By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
With polls showing little support for his proposed overhaul of the nation’s health care delivery system, President Barack Obama is now trying to pitch it as a remedy for high unemployment—the number one concern of most voters, according to most surveys.
“Those who’ve been accusing me of ignoring the unemployment problem haven’t been paying attention,” Obama contended. “Health care reform will create thousands of jobs.”
“First, we will be hiring people to scrutinize proposed treatments to determine whether the prospective patients really need it and whether society can justify the investment of scarce resources on the health of the applicants,” the President said. “There will be documents to review and statistics to compile—creating work opportunities in the clerical professions.”
“Second, we will be hiring people to track down and apprehend those who neglect to purchase the federally mandated insurance,” Obama continued. “This will open up opportunities for law-enforcement type jobs—cops, lawyers, prison guards, and the like.”
“Finally, we will be hiring people to help us raise the revenues needed to fund the program,” Obama added. “We will need more tax collectors and auditors to make sure that every dollar required is channeled to the US Treasury.”
“And, of course, all these new hires will be spending their salaries and creating the demand for other goods and services,” Obama concluded. “In turn, the increased demand from this government spending will result in the need for additional employees in the private sector.”
Ayers Denounces Afghanistan Troop Decision
Bill Ayers, former terrorist and alleged long time friend of President Barack Obama, took issue with the President’s decision to deploy more troops to fight in Afghanistan.
“I feel betrayed,” wailed a disconsolate Ayers. “I poured my heart and soul into electing this man. I thought we agreed that the real enemy was right here in America. This is where the capitalist exploiters are. Sending troops to foreign lands diverts our energy from the real mission.”
Ayers hinted that “the President’s betrayal of the progressive agenda could turn out as badly for him as JFK’s attacks against the progressive regime in Cuba were for him. If I were a young man, I’d be taking up arms like I did 40 years ago. But at this stage of my life I’ll have to settle for inciting the young to take up the burden.”
The President dismissed Ayers’ comments as “an hysterical overreaction. I am the President of the United States. Mr. Ayers is just some guy who lives in my old Chicago neighborhood. Besides, I’m taking other steps to deal with the enemy within. We’ve already tripled the federal deficit. We’re close to nationalizing the health industry. ‘Cap-and-Trade’ legislation and higher taxes are on my ‘to do list.’ Bill should ‘chill out.’”
“Real” News Media to Be Defined by Law
Concerned that “casual” and “irregular” so-called journalists are “confusing” the American people. Senators Diane Feinstein (D-Calif.) and Dick Durbin (D-Ill.) have introduced legislation that attempts to “draw the line between legitimate and illegitimate purveyors of news.”
The legislation, Senate Bill 448, would define a legitimate journalist as a person working as a salaried employee of, or independent contractor for, a recognized publisher or broadcaster of news. Those falling outside this definition would be denied the privileges granted to established news media under freedom of the press.
“The American people need to be protected from being misled by unauthorized sources,” Feinstein declared. “It is so easy and cheap these days for just about anyone to publish whatever pops into his head on the Internet. To help sort things out, we need to establish a distinction between legitimate newspersons and unvetted amateurs. This bill does that.”
As an example of the “unvetted amateurs” she has in mind, the Senator cited the undercover operation conducted by James O’Keefe and Hannah Giles. “Here we have two untrained individuals taking it upon themselves to do a so-called expose´ of an important American institution,” she said. “We can’t allow these kind of individuals to enjoy the same privileges and immunities we would accord to reporters for the New York Times or CBS News. That is a road toward the anarchy of uncontrolled content.”
O’Keefe and Giles posed as pimp and prostitute, respectively, and visited the Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now (ACORN) offices seeking advice on how to set up a brothel employing under-age, illegal immigrants. Video recordings of the helpful suggestions offered by numerous ACORN personnel in several different offices in several different states created a scandal last September.
Obama Said to Be Open to Creative Ideas for Fighting Unemployment
President Barack Obama asserted that he “will consider any and every proposal that’s put to me” in search of a way to get Americans back to work.
One idea that the President attributed to Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner would entail the Federal Reserve creating a trillion dollars of new money. This money would be placed inside an abandoned coal mine. The mine would be dynamited. The government would then accept bids from private contractors and select one to dig up the money.
“I think it’s ingenious,” the President said. “The cost to the government to implement this plan is negligible. Creating money is a snap for the Federal Reserve. Placing the money in the mine and blowing up the shaft probably won’t even cost a billion dollars.”
“The funds coming in from the successful bidder will help reduce the current budget deficit,” Obama went on. “The expenses of the digging will pump money into the economy. The wages paid to workers will trickle down to the consumer sector. Then, when the diggers get to the buried money they will report a profit. Some of that will be shared with stockholders. Some will be paid in taxes. I can’t see any negatives to this idea.”
Geithner humbly denied full credit for the idea, saying that the ploy was suggested by John Maynard Keynes in the 1930s as a way to get men back to work during the Great Depression. “I’m just a conduit for passing on the wisdom of this renowned economic sage to a new generation,” Geithner insisted.
Release of E-Mails Has Senator up in Arms
The unauthorized release of hundreds of e-mails from the British University of East Anglia’s Climate Research Unit has outraged Senator Barbara Boxer (D-Calif.). Oddly, it is not the implication in the e-mails that much of the purported climate research carried out to promote the global warming crisis is flawed, bogus, or worse that has gotten the Senator’s dander up.
“A lot of people are trying to make a big deal about the irregularities of the research,” Boxer said. “However, the more critical issue is the violation of privacy. These scientists had no expectation that their communications would be made public. Consequently, they may have been more frank in these private messages than they otherwise would’ve been. Now, they’re labeled as liars and frauds. It’s unfair.”
Boxer acknowledged that “unfortunately, we can’t undo the damage to these scientists’ reputations. We can ignore the implications. Over time, people will tend to forget who did what. Still, the humiliation stings.”
To try to prevent future incidents of this nature, Boxer recommended that “the person or persons we divulge confidential information should face criminal charges. The risk of ending up in jail will go a long way toward deterring the next whistle-blower or computer hacker from delving into matters better left private. Those of us responsible for making policy shouldn’t have to worry that interlopers will derail our agenda with untimely disclosures of confounding information.”
Gore Critiques Copenhagen Environmental Summit
Before anything has been decided by those participating in the environmental summit to be held in Copenhagen, the world’s foremost environmental expert, former US Vice-President Al Gore, criticized the efforts as “inadequate.” “Much more stringent measures are necessary if the returns on my investments in carbon offsets, alternative energy sources, and environmentally friendly technologies are to be maximized,” Gore observed.
In related news, Gore cancelled a planned appearance at the Copenhagen summit where his fans would’ve been allowed to have their pictures taken with their idol for a fee of $1200 per photo. “It wasn’t the money,” said disappointed fan, Franklin Fawner. “I would’ve gladly paid as much or more. The trouble was with the Danish Government’s refusal to let Mr. Gore use their king’s throne for a few hours. It’s this kind of selfishness that will lead the planet to its ruin.”