By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
There has been a lot of speculation that the NBA’s Cleveland Cavaliers’ MVP LeBron James will opt for free-agency and the opportunity to sign a $100 million contract with another team. President Barack Obama has expressed his hope that James’ new team will be the Chicago Bulls.
Presidential advisor David Axelrod emphasized that “the President doesn’t wish to appear to be tampering with the league’s business, but he will be very disappointed if LeBron ends up on some other team. To help broker an appropriate resolution of this matter the President wanted me to remind all parties that the IRS will be scrutinizing any transaction that takes place in order to ensure that the league’s integrity is not compromised.”
AG Defends His Criticism of Arizona Immigration Enforcement Law
US Attorney General Eric Holder fended off an inquiry from Representative Ted Poe (R-TX) challenging his objectivity in criticizing a law he admits he has not read.
“A person needn’t have to read Mein Kampf to be a critic of Hitler,” Holder pointed out. “Familiarity with the circumstances and personalities involved are sufficient for rendering a judgment.”
“First, consider that the law comes out of Arizona, one of the most backward and racist states in the nation,” Holder contended. “Second, look at who sponsored the bill—right-wing Republicans. Do we really need to know anything more? Finally, the law is opposed by every decent American.”
Holder said he plans to challenge the Arizona law’s Constitutionality before the US Supreme Court and that he “probably will get around to reading the law at some point if my schedule permits me the time.”
Legislation to Monitor Body Fat Proposed
Concerned that Americans are becoming too fat for their own good, Representative Ron Kind (D-Wis) is sponsoring “The Healthy Choices Act.” The bill would require all health care providers to track the body fat profiles of all persons between the ages of 2 and 18 years old and forward this data to a newly created National Agency for Nutritional Nurturing of Youth.
“Just because parents have the sexual tools and energy to procreate doesn’t mean we should cede responsibility for all post-womb care to them,” Kind argued. “Especially when there is ample evidence that too many of them don’t know how to raise these children. After all, parents aren’t the sole owners here. The ‘village’ also needs to have a say in how the nation’s next generation is reared.”
The bill would permit, but not mandate, the removal of children determined to be excessively overweight compared to the Agency’s standards. “We’re not saying that parents will lose custody of fat children,” Kind said. “But we’re hoping that the threat that they might will inspire them to do a better job when it comes to nutrition. I mean, the prospect that your kid may end up in foster care if you don’t feed him right ought to be a sufficient wake-up call. If it isn’t, well, maybe the kid will be better off growing up elsewhere.”
Pelosi Says Amnesty for Illegal Immigrants a “Human Rights” Issue
House of Representatives Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) insists that immigration reform, including amnesty for the estimated 12-20 million who reside in the US illegally is “the most critical human rights issue of our time.”
“Right now, too many of these immigrants are forced to accept back-breaking labor at low wages because they are afraid to apply for welfare,” Pelosi alleged. “They have no say in our government because they are afraid to vote. In short, they are blocked from full participation in our society because of an accident of birth.”
The Speaker praised “the public demonstrations on behalf of amnesty by so many of our fellow travelers on the road to a socially just society,” but contended that “angry expressions of outrage and demands for action will be insufficient if Congress doesn’t ‘close the deal’ by enacting a path to legalization for these people.”
Pelosi asked that “Catholic Bishops and other authorities in the Church to urge that all members of the faith who have been lucky enough to avoid being aborted come to the aid of our co-religionists from south of the border by writing and calling their congresspersons to press them to support immigration reform.”
In related news, Pelosi tried to bolster morale among Democrats facing tough reelection races by suggesting that they appeal to constituents’ self-interest. “It’s a simple equation,” Pelosi averred. “Do the voters in your district prefer to be the donees of wealth transferred from opponents of the Democratic program? Or would they prefer to be donors tapped for money to be used to implement this program? Given the option of being the cannibal or being the meal I think we can feel confident that they will know how to vote.”
Crist Refuses to Return GOP Donations
Now that he has left the Republican Party in order to campaign against its nominee for a US Senate seat from Florida, Governor Charlie Crist (I) has rebuffed requests that he refund money donated by Republicans to his now abandoned GOP primary race.
“Look, my view has always been caveat emptor,” Crist offered. “Everybody who follows politics knows I’ve never been a knee-jerk Republican. Those who donated in the ignorant belief that I would automatically follow the Party line have only themselves to blame for their loss.”
“In a way, you could say that I’ve liberated this money from the control of right-wing fanatics,” Crist added. “This has to be a big plus for me among voters who want a senator that has the flexibility to work with Democrats to help promote the President’s policies and programs.”
UN Official Says Israel’s Treatment of Palestinians Worse than Nazis
Ali Abdussalam Treki, President of the United Nations General Assembly, claimed in an interview aired on Syrian television, that “Israel’s oppression of the Palestinian people is worse than anything the Nazis ever did to Jews.”
“Take, for example, Israel’s refusal to allow Palestinians to freely cross the border between Israel and Gaza,” Treki said. “This creates a barrier between members of the same family. At least the Nazis kept Jewish families together when they sent them to the resettlement camps.”
“And here’s another thing,” Treki went on. “The Nazis provided food and shelter for the Jews they took into their care. In contrast, the Israelis have left the Palestinians to fend for themselves—essentially condemning them to live in slums of their own making. It is no wonder that every right thinking person wishes for the extermination of the Jewish pestilence.”
Cut in NYC Security Budget Defended
Though New York City has been a repeated target for Islamic jihadis—the recent Times Square attempted bombing being merely the latest known attack—the Obama Administration’s budget for next year shows a planned cut in security funding for the City of 27 percent.
Senator Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY) characterized the proposed cut as “a down payment on a new posture of peaceful relations between the US and Muslim nations around the world. If we show more trust by reducing our focus on anti-terrorism the chances for gaining trust in return will be increased.”
New York’s other Senator, Chuck Schumer (D) echoed Gillibrand’s remarks and contended that “critics of the President’s budget on this matter are placing short-term tactical considerations ahead of long-term strategic goals. The President’s aim is to change enemies into allies. The cut in security spending is the ‘olive branch of peace’ that we hope will achieve a meaningful change in the minds of our Muslim friends.”
For what it is worth, al-Qaeda spokesman, Abdallah Dhu-al-Bijadayn responded to Senator Schumer’s comments by vowing “we will firmly grasp this olive branch and bludgeon this moron with it.” Bijadayn also predicted that “an attack on New York using nuclear, chemical or biological weapons is just a matter of time.”
Election Officials to Bar Voluntary Showing of ID by Voters
The Wisconsin State Elections Board voted to block voters from voluntarily showing photo IDs at polling places. “Allowing those who have valid IDs to show them would intimidate those without IDs,” explained Board member Myles Blatherton. “They might be discouraged from attempting to vote. This would lower turnout and threaten the democratic process.”
Democrats Vote Down 5 Percent Rule
In a bid to stem taxpayer losses for bad loans guaranteed by federal housing agencies Fanny Mae and Freddy Mac, Senator Bob Corker (R-Tenn) proposed that borrowers be required to make a 5% down payment in order to qualify. His proposal was rejected 57-42 on a party-line vote because, as Senator Chris Dodd (D-Conn) explained, “passage of such a requirement would restrict home ownership to only those who can afford it.”
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