Monthly Archives: July 2010

Obama Position on WikiLeaks Explained

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News 

The publication of classified documents related to the Afghan War has put the lives of US troops and native Afghans who have assisted them in danger. US Defense Secretary Robert Gates fears the leak may cause huge damage. Embedded in the documents were names and places that could be used by al-Qaeda or the Taliban to carry out reprisals against specific individuals or towns.

Wikileaks spokesman, Julian Assange said he contacted the Obama Administration prior to publishing the documents. “We wanted to give them the opportunity to redact content that would endanger anyone’s life,” Assange recalled. “After getting no response we went ahead with what we had.”

Press Secretary Robert Gibbs called the lapse “a casualty of the President’s overloaded agenda. You’ve got to admit, his plate has been pretty full lately. First there was all that oil pouring into the Gulf of Mexico. Then he had to fire and unfire Shirley Sherrod. It shouldn’t be surprising that something fell through the cracks.”

Gibbs also emphasized that “most, maybe all, of these documents were written during the previous administration. Any redacting that ought to have been done seems like the responsibility of former President Bush and his minions. And as we all know, that mess was here when President Obama arrived.”

President Blames Sherrod Fiasco on Media

President Obama appeared on the TV program “The View” and explained that “I hold the media responsible for the entire Shirley Sherrod incident. When they showed tapes indicating she was a racist I panicked and had her fired. It was only later that I learned she had recanted her earlier views.”

The President opined that “if we had a better system for vetting stories before the media can run with them things like this wouldn’t happen. I think the FCC needs to take a more proactive role in reviewing and approving items intended for broadcast to help protect the public from possibly misleading information.”

Pelosi Says Bad Polls Result of Effective Legislative Session

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) attributed the Democrats’ unfavorable election prospects to “an exceptionally effective legislative session. Now that we have delivered the goods a lot of voters are satisfied that the heavy lifting is already done. They think they can rest easy come November.”

“We’ve made great strides in passing healthcare and getting the economy back on track,” Pelosi said. “But much remains to be done. There are 20 million undocumented residents we need to make citizens. We need to change lifestyles that continue to waste energy on needless private travel. And the majority of the nation’s resources are still in private hands—we need to tip the balance on that.”

“Now’s no time for Democrats to be complacent,” she warned. “The transformation is barely underway. It could easily be undone if we allow the reins to slip from our hands.”

Panel Recommends Reprimand for Rangel

A four-member panel for the House of Representatives has recommended that former Chairman of the Ways and Means Committee, Representative Charles Rangel (D-NY), be punished with a formal reprimand for a list of ethical violations he committed. The violations include tax evasion and fraudulent use of public funds.

A reprimand, in which Rangel would be publicly told he has been a “bad boy” by the Speaker of the House, is deemed a “sufficient and prudent consequence,” said Representative Gene Green (D-Texas), chairman of the ethics investigative subcommittee. “Although many others in the private sector have gone to prison for similar offenses, they did not have the stature of Representative Rangel. We felt it would be inappropriate to cast him among the ranks of common criminals. After all, he, like us, is a member of Congress. If we don’t stick up for each other we are inviting widespread disrespect for our authority.”

As part of the deal, “Representative Rangel would be forced to humiliate himself by openly apologizing to his fellow members of Congress for besmirching all of our reputations,” Green added. “Humility is not something that comes easy to people like us. I’m sure it will be an arduous and trying experience for him. This ‘pound of flesh’ extraction should serve notice to voters that we are enforcing our own standards.”

Amnesty by Executive Order under Consideration

Concerned that “a contentious and politically spineless Congress may not be able to accomplish the job,” the Department of Homeland Security’s Citizenship and Immigration Service (CIS) is looking into mechanisms by which “the President’s goal of putting undocumented residents on the path to citizenship may be accomplished.”

One possible mechanism would be for the President to issue an Executive Order mandating that “qualified individuals be granted immediate amnesty.”

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Nipplitaliano sought to downplay criticism by insisting that “this is no ‘blanket amnesty.’ Not everyone will qualify. It would be up to CIS to determine if someone doesn’t warrant it.” She also urged members of Congress to “look at the upside for themselves. If the President does this by his own authority they can all run on anti-immigration platforms this November. This should pretty effectively dilute the distinctions and lessen the impact of the Tea Party movement on election day outcomes—ensuring that Democrats retain the majority in both the House and Senate.”

Mexican Government Cheers Bolton Ruling

Mexican Foreign Minister Patricia Espinosa declared US Judge Susan Bolton’s ruling invalidating Arizona’s attempt to enforce the law against illegal immigration “a step in the right direction.”

“By rights, the territory currently going by the name of Arizona belongs to Mexico,” Espinosa contended. “It was stolen from us in 1848 by a war of aggression carried out by the US government. Governor Brewer is not a governor of our choosing. She has no moral authority to try to exclude Mexicans from freely moving about in what should be their own land.”

Espinosa said her government “looks forward to the day when this land will be peacefully restored to its rightful owners. In this regard, President Obama has assured me that if the voters of Arizona choose to repatriate the state to Mexico he will not impede the working of this democratic will.”

An envisioned second step in the right direction is “amnesty for the 20 million Mexicans living in the United States,” Espinosa suggested. “The right to vote is a human right that should not be denied because of the color of one’s skin or place of birth. On this, both we and President Obama agree. So, I am optimistic for the future.”

Crooks Entitled to Unemployment Compensation President Says

Insisting that the inclusion of Leslie Macko, a Charlottesville, Va, woman who was dismissed from her job as an aesthetician at a spa after being found guilty of prescription drug fraud at his political rally last week was not a “gaffe,” President Obama argued that “the sting of unemployment hurts, no matter who you are.”

“People are telling me that unemployment benefits were never intended to go to people who’ve lost their jobs due to crime or malfeasance,” Obama said. “But that’s not what the law says, nor how I see it. The fact is, Ms. Macko needs government assistance more than the vast majority of those who are unemployed. If you’re let go through no fault of your own there’s no stigma attached that blocks you from getting another job. But when you’ve got a criminal record employers don’t want to hire you. You could be out of work for years.”

The President suggested that “the long run solution for those convicted of criminal offenses might be to either extend their unemployment compensation indefinitely or to expunge their criminal records. Look, if a business were unaware of these records they’d have no compunctions about hiring these people.”

Lying Best Political Strategy Says Professor

Mary Frances Berry, Geraldine R. Segal Professor of American Social Thought and Professor of History at the University of Pennsylvania and former chairwoman of the United States Commission on Civil Rights during the Clinton Administration, advises Democrats to lie about Tea Partiers.

“Calling these Tea Partiers ‘racists’ is an effective strategy for Democrats,” Berry wrote. “There’s no evidence that they’re any more racist than most other white people, but levying the charge sets up a distraction that can muffle their message of smaller government and lower taxes.”

“Getting the focus shifted off the wrecked economy and high unemployment that voters may be apt to blame on the President and Democratic majority in Congress is essential if we hope to stave off an election disaster,” Berry emphasized.

As to whether consciously lying for political gain is an ethical thing for a professor to promote, Berry argued that “in war, all is fair. The consequences of losing control of the government are too great to pull any punches. Lying, cheating, stealing—whatever it takes to keep the Republicans out—is okay in my book. There is a greater good that we are fighting for. We mustn’t allow ourselves to get squeamish over petty bourgeois ethics.”

John Semmens’ Archives

MORE READING

See the New Arizona Conservative Website

Michelle Malkin: McCain Supported Everything that theTea Party Movement Stood Against

Arizona Overcome by Green Phobia

Tea Party Activist Jeff Smith Running for Arizona’s 6th Congressional District

The Case against McCain for Senate Re-Election

Hispanic Caucus Wants Illegals to Be Covered by Obamacare

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News 

The Congressional Hispanic Caucus, a group of Democratic lawmakers is insisting that the recently enacted health care law be amended to explicitly include coverage for illegal immigrants.

“Many of these immigrants have had arduous journeys across my state,” said Representative Raul Grijalva (D-Ariz). “Some have come concealed in the cargo compartments of trucks where they are packed in like sardines. Others have had to sneak across burning deserts where temperatures routinely exceed 110 degrees. Understandably, injuries and illnesses have resulted. Yet, their illegal status encourages them to shun treatment, lest they be apprehended and sent back.”

“We need to provide for these people,” Grijalva continued. “They should have the security of knowing that their health needs will be met regardless of their legal status or ability to pay. It is their human right. All we are asking is for Congress to formalize and fund that right.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) disagreed with the Hispanic Caucus’ position, saying that “special health care coverage for illegal immigrants won’t be necessary. Once we have granted them amnesty they will enjoy the full benefits extended to every legal resident of this country. Not only will they be eligible for medical treatment, but the entire array of welfare, unemployment compensation, and every other social service government has to offer will be there for them.”

Senator Defends Tax Dodge

Senator John Kerry (D-Mass) rebuffed critics’ complaints that he has dodged taxes he could easily afford to pay on his new $7 million yacht. By berthing the vessel in Rhode Island instead of his home state, Kerry avoided over $400,000 in sales taxes and an annual excise tax of $70,000.

Inasmuch as Kerry has taken the position, as do most Democrats, that the rich do not pay enough taxes—in fact, Vice-President Joe Biden has characterized efforts to avoid or minimize one’s tax burden as “unpatriotic”—his actions strike many as hypocritical.

“Not so,” says Kerry. “As a decorated Vietnam War veteran and long-time public service in the Senate, it is quite clear that I already have done my share of patriotic duty for this country. I don’t think I should be required to do more until everyone else catches up with me on what I have done so far.”

Kerry further contended that he was actually helping to illustrate the inequities among states’ tax codes. “The fact that I have the option to escape taxes by simply taking my business across the border points out one of the flaws of our system,” Kerry argued. “If my action helps to spur a drive for uniform taxes throughout the states I will have done yet another great patriotic deed for my country.”

“And let’s not forget that it is none too clear that the State of Massachusetts would make better use of my money than I am,” Kerry added. “Hardly a day goes by when we don’t hear of the questionable uses on which tax dollars are spent. So, I think most people will agree with my reluctance to fork over more of my cash.”

Feds Argue Arizona Illegal Immigrant Law “Useless”

In its lawsuit against the State of Arizona, Obama Administration Deputy Solicitor General Edwin Kneedler argued that the State’s newly enacted law aimed at cracking down on illegal immigration is “not only an infringement on federal prerogative, but fundamentally a useless undertaking.”

“Immigration is a federal issue,” Kneedler said. “The federal government’s interest overrides that of any and every state in the union. Right now, the federal government doesn’t have the resources to contend with illegal entry across our nation’s borders. Even if the Arizona law were well intended—a point we are not conceding at this time—any illegal immigrants they turn over to federal authorities would just have to be released anyway.”

U.S. District Judge Susan Bolton, seeking clarification asked “are you saying that a person discovered to be in this country illegally by Arizona police during a traffic stop or a burglary, say, and turned over to federal authorities would be let go because the federal government lacks the resources to deal with him?”

“Yes,” Kneedler replied. “So, the State arresting them would just be a big waste of time for all parties.”

Dem Says Requiring Members of Congress to Read Bills before Enacting Them “Unreasonable”

Efforts by House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio) to get Democrats to agree to a 72-hour window between compilation of a draft piece of legislation and Congress’ final vote on the measure came to naught.  

House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer (D-Md) characterized Boehner’s request as “unreasonable.” “Everybody wants a piece of a legislator’s time,” Hoyer explained. “Our calendars are full for every working hour of the day meeting with people wanting this or that. Between being harangued by protestors and cajoled by lobbyists, there isn’t any time left over to read these bills before we have to vote on them.”

Describing the bills as “behemoths—impossibly long and deathly dull—not something that you’d voluntarily read if you didn’t have to,” Hoyer said he is grateful that “we have staff to take care of that for us. They give us ‘cheat sheets’ we can get by with, just like the nerds did for us when we were in college.”

Hoyer belittled Republican contentions that voters entrust their elected representatives to know what is in a bill before they vote on it. “Voters could give a hoot,” Hoyer said. “They’ve got more exciting things to occupy their time than to keep tabs on who’s reading the bills and who’s not. The idea that they’d vote Republicans in because they’re more diligent readers is laughable. It’s who brings home the bacon that counts on election day.”

Justice Department Rebuffs Inquiry on Kagan Pay

Republican inquiries on whether Elena Kagan is on full pay since relinquishing many of her duties as Solicitor General when President Obama nominated her for the US Supreme Court have been rebuffed by the US Department of Justice.

Attorney General Eric Holder asserted that “we will not be held to ‘bean counting’ standards. The old fashion notion of a so-called ‘fair days pay for a fair day’s work’ that the GOP is trying to impose is inappropriate. Ms. Kagan is a loyal member of this Administration’s team. Whether she does any work or no work, for that matter, is at our discretion. As is whether she is paid and how much.”

“Let me remind you: elections have consequences,” Holder went on. “To the victors belong the spoils. If Republicans ever take back the presidency and they want to reinstitute the kind of ‘wage slavery’ they seem so fond of it will be their choice. Until then they ought to just be quiet.”

Jihad Theme Park opens in Lebanon

The Lebanese Shia militant group Hezbollah has opened a jihad theme park in the southern town of Mleeta near the Israeli border. The million-dollar attraction is named the “Museum for Resistance Tourism.” Thus far, exhibits include documentary videos, an aerial tramway from which visitors can view bombed out Israeli tanks left over from the last war, and several interactive displays.

Park developers hope to add more to the site in the near future—including a “game” that will allow visitors to launch Katyusha rockets into a farming village on the other side of the Lebanese/Israeli border. “We want to give tourists an authentic jihad experience,” said Park spokesman, Mohammed Asfat. “The opportunity to take out a few Jewish occupiers of Palestinian land should be a great attraction for devout Muslims around the world.”

For the time being, visitors will be limited to spraying machine gun rounds at the Israeli village, as is being done by this small boy in the arms of his proud father.

President Calls Sherrod Firing “Racist”

The firing of Shirley Sherrod by Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack was dubbed “racism, pure and simple” by an angry President Barack Obama. Sherrod rose to national attention after a video of her describing how she couldn’t bring herself to assist a white farmer seeking help from the Department during her tour of duty there for the Clinton Administration.

“Many white racists have been allowed to serve long and distinguished careers in the federal government—the late Senator Robert Byrd being among them,” the President recalled. “Singling out Ms. Sherrod as Secretary Vilsack did says we treat minority racists differently. I will not permit this as long as I am president.”

The President instructed Vilsack to “offer Ms. Sherrod another, more important job, both as recompense for her unwarranted dismissal and as a way of relieving her of potential unwanted contact with people she doesn’t like.”

Sherrod said she isn’t sure she wants to resume a post in government “as long people like Breitbart are allowed to continue to broadcast their hateful message. Until these people are silenced we can never have the kind of unity that the President has promised.”

John Semmens’ Archives

MORE READING

See the New Arizona Conservative Website

Michelle Malkin: McCain Supported Everything that theTea Party Movement Stood Against

Arizona Overcome by Green Phobia

Tea Party Activist Jeff Smith Running for Arizona’s 6th Congressional District

The Case against McCain for Senate Re-Election

Administration Denies ‘Bad Faith’ on Abortion

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News 

Despite the Executive Order President Obama issued barring federal funding of abortions, his Administration has just granted money for the purpose of covering them to three states—Maryland, Pennsylvania and New Mexico. The Executive Order was the “price” for obtaining the votes of a sufficient number of anti-abortion Democrats to achieve passage of the President’s healthcare legislation.

“The President hasn’t gone back on the deal he made with Congressman Stupak,” Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius assured. “These awards are being made on a case-by-case basis. There is no general plan that routinely authorizes federal funds to be used for abortions. Only when my Department is convinced such funding is needed will we provide it.”

Representative Bart Stupak (D-Mich) said he doesn’t blame President Obama. “The US Government is a huge and unwieldy beast,” Stupak observed. “Staffers may have been unaware of his Executive Order or may not have read it. I know I didn’t read it. Heck, I didn’t have time to read much more than a small fraction of the healthcare bill itself before we voted on it.”

Stupak acknowledged that he has received reassurances that the money slated for airport construction in his district isn’t in danger. “At least that part of the deal is still good,” said a much relieved Stupak.

Farrakhan Demands Reparations from Jews

Louis Farrakhan, the “National Representative of the Honorable Elijah Muhammad and the Nation of Islam,” is demanding that Jews make reparations to Blacks for slavery.

“Our research has shown that some of those who dealt in selling Africans into slavery were Jews,” Farrakhan asserted. “And as everyone knows, profiteering from the hardship of others has been a trait that has characterized Jews throughout history. We now call upon these Jews to make restitution for these crimes.”

The fact that no one involved in America’s former slave trade—Jew or non-Jew, White or Black—is still alive didn’t faze Farrakhan. “According to God’s law, the sins of the father are visited upon the son,” he said. “That means that every Jew is responsible for the sins of any Jew.”

Farrakhan cited the current prosperity of Jews as further proof that they should pay reparations. “When we look around we see Jews enjoying high standards of living. They own businesses. They practice professions. Our Black brethren are living lives of squalor—confined to ghettos, afflicted with unwanted pregnancies and illegitimate children, addicted to drugs and lives of crime. It is time that the ill-gotten gains of Jewish slave traders are redistributed to the progeny of their victims.”

Democrat Objects to Ads Linking Him with Pelosi

Pennsylvania senate candidate Representative Joe Sestak (D) said Chamber of Commerce ads linking him with House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) are misleading and unfair.

“Their insinuation that I fully support the leftist agenda being led by Speaker Pelosi is a gross distortion,” Sestak insisted. “Voting records show that she and I parted company on numerous occasions.”

Voting records reveal that Pelosi and Sestak voted the same way on 97% of the legislation before the House.

“Besides, I’m campaigning for the Senate,” Sestak added. “Speaker Pelosi isn’t in the Senate. She won’t be able to boss me around from her position in the House. So, charges that I was under her thumb aren’t really relevant anymore. I’ll have a new boss and new marching orders from Senator Reid (D-Nev) once I get to the Senate.”

Former Carter Advisor Appalled by Feckless Obama

Former President Jimmy Carter’s National Security Adviser Zbigniew Brzezinki says he is “sorely disappointed in President Obama. I thought the country had pretty much hit bottom when Jimmy was president. The economy was on the rocks. Our foreign policy was incoherent. It was bad news all around.”

“At least Jimmy was aware that he was failing,” Brzezinki continued. “Obama doesn’t have a clue. The unemployment rate goes down a tick because thousands of people have given up hope of finding a job and Obama hails it as a triumph in enabling more to enjoy the benefits of leisure. It’s like ‘now they can spare the time to come shoot hoops with me.’ I tell you, this is worse than malaise. It’s a nightmare.”

In related news, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) said that “lack of Presidential leadership is endangering Democrats across-the-board. I’ve risked my political career backing his initiatives. Now that they’ve put the nation in the tank voters are turning against us. Why can’t he sic the IRS on our opponents like FDR did? Now there was a President who knew what it takes to stay on top.”

Army’s “Carbon Footprint” Taints War Effort

Representative Gabrielle Giffords (D-Az) took Afghan Commander, General David Petraeus, to task for what she characterized as “willful disregard of the environmental impact of our war effort.”

“There is no policy, no plan to minimize carbon emissions in our military activities,” Giffords charged. “Bombs are dropped and bullets are fired without considering the environmental impact.”

Giffords insisted that she was “not demanding an immediate halt to current military operations in the Middle East. I’m just saying that battle plans should include an environmental impact assessment as a regular part of the process before attacks are launched.”

She also suggested that the Army “put more emphasis on less environmentally damaging methods, like stabbing or clubbing enemy forces in order to minimize the carbon output.”

President Defends Economic Policy

Determined to change the terms of debate about the lackluster performance of the economy during his Administration, a combative President Obama asked voters to remember what it was like when President Bush was in the White House.

“Under the previous Republican Administration over 95% of the labor force was forced to work for a living,” Obama reminded. “We’ve gotten that figure down to 90% and many of those are only working part time. Expanding the opportunity for leisure means more time spent with families, more opportunities to play golf or basketball, more time to do home repairs that had to be put off because the head-of-household had to punch a time clock somewhere else.”

In related news, the President directed the IRS to implement a change in the tax code that will cut trial lawyers’ tax burden by an estimated $1.6 billion per year. By making the change administratively a potentially volatile debate in Congress is averted. Press Secretary Robert Gibbs explained that “the average person might not appreciate the need for a tax break for attorneys. Republicans in Congress would likely exploit this ignorance to the detriment of a profession that has worked very hard on the President’s behalf.”

Obama Appointee Eager to Cut into Nation’s Medical Expenses

Donald Berwick, President Obama’s recess appointee to head up the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services, says he is “itching to take an axe to the nation’s medical bill.”

“The fact is, an inordinately large share of the cost of health care goes to treat a small percentage of the population,” Berwick pointed out. “Surgery, chemo, MRIs aren’t necessary for the vast majority of our health needs. If we can nip off the tail of the bell curve that requires them we’d save a bundle.”

“Bumps, bruises, and sniffles are, by far, the most common ailments for the vast majority of the population,” Berwick went on. “Yet many are denied the most basic of treatments for these ailments because they are uninsured. Sacrificing high-cost therapies for the few in order to serve the many promotes a broader, more egalitarian collective well-being for the whole country.”

Berwick said a target of 8% of GDP spent on health care (about half of what the nation currently spends) is a “reasonable goal. As the President so aptly stated, sometimes just giving a patient a pain pill may be more cost effective than trying to correct the underlying problem. After all, from a philosophic perspective, if a person can’t feel the pain does he really have a problem?”

Supreme Court Nominee Says Congress Can Control what You Eat

Under Senate Judiciary Committee questioning, President Obama’s Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan offered the opinion that Congress may legislate what you can and cannot eat. “The Constitution gives the Government the responsibility to promote the general welfare,” Kagan said. “What a person eats affects his or her welfare. With obesity running rampant in this country, it is clear that many Americans are not good judges of what they put into their mouths. So, does Congress have the authority to tell you to put down that Dorito and pick up that celery stalk? I’d have to say yes.”

John Semmens’ Archives

MORE READING

See the New Arizona Conservative Website

Michelle Malkin: McCain Supported Everything that theTea Party Movement Stood Against

Arizona Overcome by Green Phobia

Tea Party Activist Jeff Smith Running for Arizona’s 6th Congressional District

The Case against McCain for Senate Re-Election

Flashback to 2005: Republicans Denounce McCain

Five years ago this summer, many in the Arizona Republican Party base were very upset with the actions of Sen. John McCain. With the senator running for re-election this year, it’s worth a look at the issues that drew the ire of so many back in 2005, as reported by The Arizona Conservative:

Arizona Republican leaders and the party faithful at the grassroots level butted heads last year over the border invasion and Proposition 200 — and the grassroots GOP faithful won over the pandering politicians. The two groups are dueling again this year over opposition to senior U.S. Senator John McCain.

Three separate Republican grassroots entities have this summer either censured or condemned McCain for consorting with leftist politicos and ideals. While the people cry foul, the party leadership is trying to contain the political fire.

The cascade of contempt for McCain’s dismal performance began June 11th with a unanimous censure by the Arizona Republican Assembly (ARA) during its annual convention. That motion was penned by Bruce Barton, borders columnist for The Arizona Conservative and an ARA board member.

Two more measures against McCain followed, both sparked by conservative activist Rob Haney, of Paradise Valley. Haney succeeded with a motion for censure of McCain in District 11, and then he led the Maricopa County Republican Party’s Executive Guidance Committee to express its dissatisfaction with the representation of McCain. McCain, a 2008 presidential aspirant who is concerned about the dissatisfaction in his back yard, and Senator Jon Kyl sent representatives to the EGC meeting to defend the senator.

Congressman John Shadegg phoned Haney, the chairman in District 11, in opposition to his actions against McCain. Haney stood his ground and refused to back down.

First-year AZ GOP Chairman Matt Salmon is pressuring districts not to censure McCain. He claims that any further actions directed at McCain will hurt the Republican Party in the 2006 governor’s election and may adversely affect the Protect Marriage Arizona (PMA) initiative.

Some Republicans are fearful that McCain will unleash a backlash to assist Democrat Janet Napolitano in her re-election campaign next year, and that he may also work hard to defeat PMA. But McCain already works closely with liberal Democrats, has supported Arizona Democrat candidates and opposes a federal marriage amendment. These betrayals of conservative Republicanism are precisely why so many red staters oppose the radical McCain.

Democrat Poll Bad News for the President and Party

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News 

A recent poll conducted by Democracy Corps, the political consulting firm of long time Democratic partisan James Carville, brought more bad news for President Obama and his Party cohorts. In addition the president’s net negative approval ratings—more disapprove than approve of his job performance—majorities now view him as “too liberal” (56%) and a “socialist” (55%).

Perhaps even more shocking were the words poll respondents chose themselves to describe the President: “liar,” “moron,” “arrogant,” “incompetent.” The Democratic majority in Congress didn’t fare any better being described as “conniving bastards,” “worthless,” “ignorant.”

As one poll respondent put it, “I’m torn between giving them the benefit of the doubt by assuming they’re blockhead stupid or fearing the worst—that there is a more sinister implication behind the string of policy blunders emanating from Washington. Either way, the Democrats are unfit to govern.”

Carville characterized the poll results as “grim news for Democrats” and observed that “stupidity is not a monopoly of the Democratic Party. It’s pretty pervasive throughout the population. So, blunders by Republicans or bad judgment by voters could moderate the consequences for Democrats come election day.”

In related news, a Rasmussen poll revealed that three times as many voters prefer laying off government workers and cutting welfare benefits to raising taxes. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) dismissed these findings as “selfish manifestations of anti-social individualism and irrelevant to the transformation of America the President and Congress are striving to implement.”

China’s Currency Manipulation Decried

The AFL-CIO is pressing Congress to take action against the Chinese Government’s manipulation of the value of its currency—the “renminbi” also known as the “yuan.”

“It’s bad enough that the Chinese work for lower wages than us,” complained Richard Trumka, president of the AFL-CIO labor federation. “But holding down the value of their currency so the US Dollar has a higher purchasing power is a double whammy.”

Senator Charles Schumer (D-NY) is sponsoring legislation in line with the AFL-CIO’s complaint. “Not only is the Chinese Government wantonly increasing the purchasing power of the American consumer, it is undermining the US Federal Reserve’s efforts to manage the value of our money,” Schumer said. “This endangers the Administration’s plan to inflate away a large portion of the US Treasury’s outstanding debt—leaving the government with the less appealing options of paying it off in full or defaulting.”

Schumer said his bill will allow the government to counterbalance an undervalued Chinese currency “by slapping a trade duty on Chinese imports that will boost their prices up to where we think they should be. This will help save union jobs and ensure a generous payback for the Democratic Party in upcoming elections.”

Homeowner to Be Prosecuted for Shooting at Thieves

Wheat Ridge, Colorado homeowner, 82-year-old Robert Wallace, has been charged with attempted first degree murder for firing shots at two men who stole his trailer. The thieves—Damacio Torres and Alvara Cardano—have prior arrest records and are suspected of being in the country illegally.

Jefferson County District Attorney, Scott Storey called the shooting completely unjustified. “First of all, at best, Wallace was confronting persons engaged in a property crime. The appropriate response is to let the property be taken. If it can later be located and he can prove it is rightfully his he may get it back. As it turned out, Cardano will carry the scars of his bullet wound on his face the rest of his life.”

“Second, even though Torres and Cardano took the trailer it is not proven that they are thieves. Perhaps they thought it was abandoned property. This is a matter for courts, not Wallace to adjudicate and enforce.”

“Finally, in a broader social context, it’s possible that Torres and Cardano’s need for this vehicle is greater than Wallace’s claim to it. They can’t get jobs if they’re in the country illegally, yet they still need money to live. Until we have comprehensive immigration reform we will continue to be faced with such conundrums.”

Storey hinted that the charges against Wallace might be reduced if “he can work out a mutually agreeable compromise solution with Torres and Cardano. Threatening to ‘throw the book at him’ gives us leverage to encourage him to cooperate along these lines.”

Unmentioned were the statistics that affect the County’s budget for the Prosecutor’s Office. Inducing Wallace to plead to a lesser charge is recorded as a “resolved case.” Trying to prosecute illegal aliens, who likely will skip out before trial, will leave an “unresolved case.” The ratio of resolved to unresolved cases factors into the DA’s performance rating—affecting salaries and overall budget allocations for the next fiscal year.

Congressman Reintroduces Military Draft Legislation

Representative Charles Rangel (D-NY), who earlier this year was removed from his post as chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee after it was disclosed that he had failed to properly pay his taxes, has revived one of his favorite causes—the reinstatement of the military draft. Rangel’s bill would require all Americans between the ages of 18 and 42 to register for the draft.

“As it stands tight now, we don’t really have a citizen’s army,” Rangel contended. “Only those who want to serve are serving. Those who don’t like the army or who oppose our war aims aren’t required to serve. It’s clear that this kind of self-selection leads to an unrepresentative and unbalanced contingent in our armed forces.”

Rangel also expressed concern that minorities that are currently excluded from enlisting because of criminal records are being denied a valuable experience. “Restricting military experience to only those patriotic enough to volunteer ensures that oppressed sectors of our society won’t learn skills that could prove useful in confronting their oppressors after their tours of duty are over. We need to level the playing field on this.”

Restrictions on Education Grants under Consideration

Concerned that too many students are using federal grants to attend the “wrong kind of schools,” the US Department of Education is weighing new rules that would restrict grant money from being used to pay for schooling provided at for-profit institutions.

For-profit schools provide training in fields like information technology, health care, criminal justice, and automotive repair. Enrollment at these for-profit schools has increased by 20% since the recession knocked so many out of their jobs.

“Increasing enrollment in these private for-profit schools is not what the President had in mind when he expanded the grant program last year,” said Department of Education Under-Secretary Oswald Oddfellow. “These schools aren’t truly academic environments. The instructors aren’t real professors with PhDs. The curriculum is narrowly oriented toward teaching job-related skills. There is no exposure to the broader ideas of civilization like social justice or ecological consciousness. They churn out craftsmen and tradesmen, not enlightened global citizens. This is a real disappointment.”

“Whether the student is satisfied is not the relevant factor,” Oddfellow added. “This is a social undertaking using the resources of the collective society. As the representative of the collective will of society, the government has every right to decide how these funds will be used.”

Unemployment Benefits Great Stimulus to Economy Says Pelosi

According to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif), persisting high rates of unemployment aren’t the bad news a lot of doomsayers contend. That is, as long as the unemployment checks keep coming. As Pelosi sees it, the spending of these checks by the unemployed is an underappreciated stimulus to the economy.

“A working person is bogged down by having to spend up to 40 hours or more per week to get paid,” Pelosi pointed out. “Freed of this encumbrance, the recipient of unemployment benefits has many more hours to aggressively spend the money he or she receives. This robust demand is what will quickly pull the economy out of the recession.”

Further, unemployment checks are even better than paychecks because “the purchasing power of paychecks is reduced by withholding taxes while unemployment checks are largely tax-free. And while a person is apt to save part of a paycheck, the recipient of unemployment, knowing that the government is looking after him, can go ahead and spend it all.”

“In an ideal world all compensation would be distributed by the government,” Pelosi envisioned. “No one would be forced to grub for money. People who wanted to work could go to work. People who didn’t wouldn’t have to. No one would have to worry that they would starve just because they don’t want to have to punch a time clock. Working toward this ideal has been my mission since I entered public service. I believe we are closer to achieving it than we ever have been.”

John Semmens’ Archives

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