By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
A recent poll conducted by Democracy Corps, the political consulting firm of long time Democratic partisan James Carville, brought more bad news for President Obama and his Party cohorts. In addition the president’s net negative approval ratings—more disapprove than approve of his job performance—majorities now view him as “too liberal” (56%) and a “socialist” (55%).
Perhaps even more shocking were the words poll respondents chose themselves to describe the President: “liar,” “moron,” “arrogant,” “incompetent.” The Democratic majority in Congress didn’t fare any better being described as “conniving bastards,” “worthless,” “ignorant.”
As one poll respondent put it, “I’m torn between giving them the benefit of the doubt by assuming they’re blockhead stupid or fearing the worst—that there is a more sinister implication behind the string of policy blunders emanating from Washington. Either way, the Democrats are unfit to govern.”
Carville characterized the poll results as “grim news for Democrats” and observed that “stupidity is not a monopoly of the Democratic Party. It’s pretty pervasive throughout the population. So, blunders by Republicans or bad judgment by voters could moderate the consequences for Democrats come election day.”
In related news, a Rasmussen poll revealed that three times as many voters prefer laying off government workers and cutting welfare benefits to raising taxes. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) dismissed these findings as “selfish manifestations of anti-social individualism and irrelevant to the transformation of America the President and Congress are striving to implement.”
China’s Currency Manipulation Decried
The AFL-CIO is pressing Congress to take action against the Chinese Government’s manipulation of the value of its currency—the “renminbi” also known as the “yuan.”
“It’s bad enough that the Chinese work for lower wages than us,” complained Richard Trumka, president of the AFL-CIO labor federation. “But holding down the value of their currency so the US Dollar has a higher purchasing power is a double whammy.”
Senator Charles Schumer (D-NY) is sponsoring legislation in line with the AFL-CIO’s complaint. “Not only is the Chinese Government wantonly increasing the purchasing power of the American consumer, it is undermining the US Federal Reserve’s efforts to manage the value of our money,” Schumer said. “This endangers the Administration’s plan to inflate away a large portion of the US Treasury’s outstanding debt—leaving the government with the less appealing options of paying it off in full or defaulting.”
Schumer said his bill will allow the government to counterbalance an undervalued Chinese currency “by slapping a trade duty on Chinese imports that will boost their prices up to where we think they should be. This will help save union jobs and ensure a generous payback for the Democratic Party in upcoming elections.”
Homeowner to Be Prosecuted for Shooting at Thieves
Wheat Ridge, Colorado homeowner, 82-year-old Robert Wallace, has been charged with attempted first degree murder for firing shots at two men who stole his trailer. The thieves—Damacio Torres and Alvara Cardano—have prior arrest records and are suspected of being in the country illegally.
Jefferson County District Attorney, Scott Storey called the shooting completely unjustified. “First of all, at best, Wallace was confronting persons engaged in a property crime. The appropriate response is to let the property be taken. If it can later be located and he can prove it is rightfully his he may get it back. As it turned out, Cardano will carry the scars of his bullet wound on his face the rest of his life.”
“Second, even though Torres and Cardano took the trailer it is not proven that they are thieves. Perhaps they thought it was abandoned property. This is a matter for courts, not Wallace to adjudicate and enforce.”
“Finally, in a broader social context, it’s possible that Torres and Cardano’s need for this vehicle is greater than Wallace’s claim to it. They can’t get jobs if they’re in the country illegally, yet they still need money to live. Until we have comprehensive immigration reform we will continue to be faced with such conundrums.”
Storey hinted that the charges against Wallace might be reduced if “he can work out a mutually agreeable compromise solution with Torres and Cardano. Threatening to ‘throw the book at him’ gives us leverage to encourage him to cooperate along these lines.”
Unmentioned were the statistics that affect the County’s budget for the Prosecutor’s Office. Inducing Wallace to plead to a lesser charge is recorded as a “resolved case.” Trying to prosecute illegal aliens, who likely will skip out before trial, will leave an “unresolved case.” The ratio of resolved to unresolved cases factors into the DA’s performance rating—affecting salaries and overall budget allocations for the next fiscal year.
Congressman Reintroduces Military Draft Legislation
Representative Charles Rangel (D-NY), who earlier this year was removed from his post as chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee after it was disclosed that he had failed to properly pay his taxes, has revived one of his favorite causes—the reinstatement of the military draft. Rangel’s bill would require all Americans between the ages of 18 and 42 to register for the draft.
“As it stands tight now, we don’t really have a citizen’s army,” Rangel contended. “Only those who want to serve are serving. Those who don’t like the army or who oppose our war aims aren’t required to serve. It’s clear that this kind of self-selection leads to an unrepresentative and unbalanced contingent in our armed forces.”
Rangel also expressed concern that minorities that are currently excluded from enlisting because of criminal records are being denied a valuable experience. “Restricting military experience to only those patriotic enough to volunteer ensures that oppressed sectors of our society won’t learn skills that could prove useful in confronting their oppressors after their tours of duty are over. We need to level the playing field on this.”
Restrictions on Education Grants under Consideration
Concerned that too many students are using federal grants to attend the “wrong kind of schools,” the US Department of Education is weighing new rules that would restrict grant money from being used to pay for schooling provided at for-profit institutions.
For-profit schools provide training in fields like information technology, health care, criminal justice, and automotive repair. Enrollment at these for-profit schools has increased by 20% since the recession knocked so many out of their jobs.
“Increasing enrollment in these private for-profit schools is not what the President had in mind when he expanded the grant program last year,” said Department of Education Under-Secretary Oswald Oddfellow. “These schools aren’t truly academic environments. The instructors aren’t real professors with PhDs. The curriculum is narrowly oriented toward teaching job-related skills. There is no exposure to the broader ideas of civilization like social justice or ecological consciousness. They churn out craftsmen and tradesmen, not enlightened global citizens. This is a real disappointment.”
“Whether the student is satisfied is not the relevant factor,” Oddfellow added. “This is a social undertaking using the resources of the collective society. As the representative of the collective will of society, the government has every right to decide how these funds will be used.”
Unemployment Benefits Great Stimulus to Economy Says Pelosi
According to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif), persisting high rates of unemployment aren’t the bad news a lot of doomsayers contend. That is, as long as the unemployment checks keep coming. As Pelosi sees it, the spending of these checks by the unemployed is an underappreciated stimulus to the economy.
“A working person is bogged down by having to spend up to 40 hours or more per week to get paid,” Pelosi pointed out. “Freed of this encumbrance, the recipient of unemployment benefits has many more hours to aggressively spend the money he or she receives. This robust demand is what will quickly pull the economy out of the recession.”
Further, unemployment checks are even better than paychecks because “the purchasing power of paychecks is reduced by withholding taxes while unemployment checks are largely tax-free. And while a person is apt to save part of a paycheck, the recipient of unemployment, knowing that the government is looking after him, can go ahead and spend it all.”
“In an ideal world all compensation would be distributed by the government,” Pelosi envisioned. “No one would be forced to grub for money. People who wanted to work could go to work. People who didn’t wouldn’t have to. No one would have to worry that they would starve just because they don’t want to have to punch a time clock. Working toward this ideal has been my mission since I entered public service. I believe we are closer to achieving it than we ever have been.”
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