By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
President Obama rebuffed critics of his approval of military attacks on the armed forces of Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhaffi.
“Let me say first that the assertion that I should have consulted Congress prior to authorizing our military intervention is based on an incorrect premise,” the President said. “It’s true that only Congress can declare war. However, there is no war. What I have authorized is best defined as ‘Kinetic Military Action.’”
Thus far, the “Kinetic Military Action” has entailed missile attacks on the tanks, troops, and aircraft deployed by Gadhaffi’s army. Though these types of attacks are among the actions most people would normally characterize as “war,” Obama stubbornly contended “I don’t see it that way.”
The President additionally argued that “obtaining Congressional approval for these attacks was unnecessary because they had already been cleared by the United Nations, which is, I think we’d all agree, a higher level of authority than the legislature of a single nation.”
“And it’s not as if I didn’t inform Congress of what was going on,” the President pointed out. “I sent them a rather nice letter outlining the steps I had taken and indicating the funds they would need to appropriate to support the costs of the operation.”
The President also denied that there was any contradiction with his 2007 statement that the President lacked the Constitutional authority to unilaterally authorize a military attack. “In 2007 we had an untrustworthy occupant in the Oval Office,” Obama argued. “As a senator it was my duty to oppose his deployment of troops. Obviously, that situation no longer applies.”
Senator Carl Levin (D-Mich), chairman of the Senate Armed Services Committee, endorsed the President’s action saying, “not only is it a question of the need for speed, but there’s also the chance that Congress might not have approved of the attacks. That would’ve made the President look weak. That wouldn’t have been good for the country. In matters of war and peace it is vital that we stand united behind our leader.”
Not all the critics were mollified by the President’s explanation. On the right, House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) rejected the President’s contention that a UN resolution was an acceptable substitute for Congressional approval. On the left, Representative Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio) called for President Obama to be impeached for launching a war without the express approval of Congress. “I disagreed with President Bush’s war on Iraq, but at least he went through the Constitutionally required step of asking for and obtaining Congressional approval beforehand,” Kucinich recalled. “If a President can unilaterally get us in a war we are headed for tyranny.”
Senator Says Republicans Abuse Constitutional Freedoms
In a speech before a gathering at Planned Parenthood, Senator Frank Lautenberg (D-NJ) asserted that Republicans who oppose a woman’s right to choose to terminate a pregnancy “don’t deserve the freedoms that are in the Constitution!”
“The right to freedom of speech comes with an obligation to exercise it in a responsible manner,” Lautenberg insisted. “Using freedom of speech to advocate restrictions on a woman’s right to choose is an abuse that ought to be prohibited.”
While the Senator acknowledged that “prohibiting such an abuse is currently blocked by the Constitution’s First Amendment. So, for now, we’ll have to let them have that freedom. But we must not let this stop us from having government fully fund abortion, as well as the educational effort necessary to bring about the change in thinking that will secure this fundamental freedom for future generations.”
GE’s Zero Tax Liability Explained
Presidential Press Secretary Jay Carney assured a puzzled media that General Electric’s “zero tax liability is a legitimate demonstration of the positive reinforcement President Obama intends to use to inspire businesses to cooperate in the implementation of his agenda for change.”
“It would be counterproductive for the Administration to be indifferent to the diverse attitudes of the major players in our economy,” Carney continued. “There have to be incentives to distinguish between our friends and enemies when it comes to policy. Presidents going back to FDR have used the IRS and its authority over taxes to help provide the type of meaningful incentives that corporate leaders can appreciate. The power to grant exemptions, conduct audits, and impose penalties shouldn’t be forgone out of a misguided adherence to a mythical impartiality.”
G.E.’s Chief Executive Officer, Jeffrey Immelt, is reputed to be President Obama’s favorite corporate leader and is on such good terms with the Obama Administration that he has been appointed to head the President’s Council on Jobs and Competitiveness.
Border Violence a Myth Says Napolitano
Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano claims that “those citing border violence in order to criticize the President’s program of fostering a secure and prosperous flow of goods and people between the United States and Mexico are sadly mistaken.”
Though there were an estimated 13,000 Mexican murdered by drug lords last year, Napolitano pointed out that “not a single one of these victims was murdered on the border, per se. All were clearly killed within Mexico. The border itself had no fatalities—making it the safest place on Earth, as far as I’m concerned.”
The Secretary also dismissed the incidence of crimes committed in the US by illegal aliens as “an artificial statistic. First of all, these perpetrators are only ‘illegal aliens’ because of Congress’ failure to enact comprehensive immigration reform. If those who have entered the country without appropriate documents were granted amnesty the vast majority of the crimes committed by ‘illegal aliens’ would vanish.”
“Secondly, many of these ‘illegal aliens’ have been driven to lives of crime because our refusal to admit them to the country by legal means has denied them the opportunity to earn an honest living,” Napolitano added. “Who wouldn’t be tempted to smuggle drugs, commit robberies, or murder people when the alternative is working off the books for sub-minimum wages? So, really, this phenomenon is mostly our own fault.”
President Defends Aid for Brazil Offshore Oil Exploration
At the same as his Administration has imposed a ban on American firms drilling for oil off US shores, President Obama has extended $2 billion in aid to Brazil for its offshore drilling efforts—including granting permission to Petrobas, the Brazilian Government-owned oil company, to drill 100 miles off the coast of Louisiana.
“Brazil is a poor country,” Obama observed. “They need the money more than we do. By letting them get the oil we can become their customers and help them create jobs and build up their economy.”
Almost Every Federal Employee Gets a Raise
With the federal budget deeply in deficit you’d think that every effort would be made to tighten up efficiency. Well, you’d be wrong.
Despite a survey of federal workers in which the workers themselves judged over 14% of their fellow employees to be performing below reasonably expected levels, less than one-tenth of one-percent were denied raises last year. That means that more than 99.9% got raises.
“You can’t compare compensation policies of the government to those in private business,” said Presidential Press Secretary Jay Carney. “It’s a whole different animal.”
As for the notion that 99.9% would merit raises given the economy and the relatively poor performance of the government over all, Carney insisted that “the average person can’t comprehend the complexities of public finance. Only the best of the best are accepted for employment by the federal government. That any of them might fail to meet performance norms seems implausible to me given the nature of the work environment.”
Biden Says Cutting Taxes for Profitable Businesses like Paying Rapists for Violating Women
Vice-President Joe Biden launched his most strident attack on the Administration’s opponents yet.
“While millions are unemployed profiteering businesses are raping the economy,” Biden declared. “But what do we see our Republican opponents doing? They want to restrict spending on the needy and cut taxes for these pillagers. It’s like paying rapists for violating women.”
The Vice-President said he favors “financial castration for these ravagers of our economy. We need to take away their ability to extract profit from their activities. Production should be aimed at fulfilling people’s needs not funding someone’s greed.”
Biden suggested that “the President should replace greedy corporate CEOs with more guys like GE’s Jeffrey Immelt in order to ensure a more equitable distribution of the nation’s wealth.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News