By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
On the heels of the nation’s first ever credit downgrade, an angry President Obama embarked upon a campaign tour aimed at focusing voters’ wrath at what he dubbed the GOP’s “economic terrorism.”
“Opposition to my leadership imperils the very existence of the nation,” Obama asserted. “Voters must send a message to all the members of Congress that refusal to accommodate themselves to my program of transformational change won’t be tolerated.”
House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) said he would be willing to consider accommodating the President’s program if he knew what it was. “The most frustrating thing about the debt-ceiling negotiations is that the President never put forward a single new idea for reducing our nation’s debt,” Boehner complained. “Even now, after our credit rating has been downgraded, all he has to offer is more of the same wasteful spending that got us into the mess.”
House Majority Leader, Eric Cantor (R-Va) called the President’s push for higher taxes and more regulations a recipe for disaster. “Both of these policies raise the cost of doing business,” Cantor pointed out. “If it costs more to do business, less business will be done. Less business being done means fewer jobs and less tax revenue. This would only worsen the country’s economic and financial problems.”
The president warned voters “not to fall for the Republicans’ ‘siren song’ of economic growth as the answer to all our ills. Are jobs really more important than a cleaner environment? Should prosperity be preferred to a broader equality? Shouldn’t we all be willing to bear the burdens of shared sacrifice for a future that is cleaner and fairer?”
“Super Committee” Appointments May Yield Fund-Raising Bonanza
Democrats wasted no time using membership on the Joint Select Committee on Deficit Reduction (the so-called “Super Committee”) to encourage more campaign donations.
Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) defended the move citing “the urgent need to elect more Democrats to the next Congress. The recent deadlock over the debt ceiling demonstrated the difficulties of divided government. The very fact that we have to have this Super Committee with Republican members is a major setback for the President’s agenda. So, if we can use this Committee as a way to boost campaign finances for the Democratic Party, at least some good will have come of it.”
Representative Xavier Becerra (D-Calif) has cited his membership on the 12-member committee in a bid to boost attendance at a $1500/plate fund-raising dinner. “I’m no longer just one of 435 representatives,” Becerra bragged. “I’m one of an elite dozen members of Congress who will have extraordinary power to shape our nation’s destiny. Surely, it has to be worth more to my constituents to have a ‘super representative’ promoting their interests when it comes to deciding on what and where the government will spend its money.”
On the Senate side, Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) rationalized naming Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee Chairperson Senator Patty Murray (D-Wash) as one of the three Democratic senators to serve on the Super Committee. “Look, the Committee, per se, won’t accomplish anything,” Reid argued. “How could it when it has to be insanely balanced with an equal number of Republicans? But if we can use it as leverage to increase the number of Democrats in the next Congress it may not be totally useless.”
Britain’s Crackdown on Rioters, Looting Denounced
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad denounced British authorities for what he termed a “violent and unjustified suppression of freedom of expression.” The “freedom of expression” has been manifested mostly by rampaging youths looting shops and robbing passersby in a week-long protest of the government’s proposal to trim future welfare payments.
“The Godlessness of Western society has come back to bite them,” Ahmadinejad said. “Deprived of the discipline of faith, we must expect young people to lash out at those who have neglected their instruction. The secular greed of the protestors is a predictable outcome of this neglect.”
On the home front, looters professing to be “taking advances on payments owed to us” and “showing the rich that we can do whatever we want” were excused by Labour Party spokesman Rob Steele. “Inequality is an injustice that government welfare programs have been designed to mitigate,” Steele contended. “The Conservative Government’s proposed cuts to these programs tip the balance back toward injustice. Who can blame the prospective victims from taking matters into their own hands?”
Ahmadinejad encouraged the United Nations to send peace keepers to help restore order. “The British Government has proven itself incapable of maintaining a just, orderly, and pious society,” Ahmadinejad said. “External intervention to displace this oppressive regime is warranted. Iran stands ready to contribute troops to a UN-sponsored army of occupation.”
In related news, portions of London have been declared sharia law enforcement zones by local Muslims. In these zones gambling, alcohol consumption, and listening to music have been banned. Violators will be subject to appropriate punishments, which may include amputation of limbs, disfigurement, or death—depending upon the severity of the offense, the number of times it is repeated, and the whims of the attending Imam.
Poll Shows Substantial Minority See “Tea Party” as Terrorists
A Rasmussen poll showed that while a majority (55%) disagree with the statement: “members of the Tea Party are economic terrorists,” 29% say that they are.
Among this minority, Massachusetts poll respondent John was adamant in his view that “there’s no question about it. They caused the credit downgrade that will make it harder for the government to get the money it needs. Anyone who impedes government getting the funding it needs to adequately control the country is a terrorist.”
Debbie, a Florida poll respondent, echoed John’s remarks saying, “Truer words were never spoken. The Tea Party represents a graver threat to our country than al-Qaeda ever did. If we don’t take adequate measures to suppress this threat tyranny will overthrow our democracy.”
Michael, a poll respondent from Michigan, took a slightly different tack, blaming Standard & Poor and demanding that “President Obama should have the CEO of this criminal band of capitalist enablers arrested. Moneyed interests may have wealth, but the government has the guns. There is no need for Obama to kowtow to these people when he could easily just take the resources he needs for his programs.”
China Offers Deficit Reduction Advice
Considering its extensive holdings of US Treasury bonds, the Government of China has more than a passing interest in the US Government’s debt repayment capacity. To help ensure that more resources are available to pay interest and principal on this debt, the Chinese Government suggested that significant savings might be found if the US were to cut military spending.
Pointing out that China now has its own aircraft carrier, China’s official Xinhua news agency urged the US to withdraw its fleet from the western Pacific Ocean. “The US presence is redundant,” Xinhua wrote. “China now has the naval assets necessary to ensure the security of this region. By lightening its burden in this part of the world, the United States will be more able to meet its financial commitments to its lenders.”
China’s suggestion was eagerly received by Representative Barney Frank (D-Mass), senior Democrat on the House Financial Services Committee. “I’ve been saying for years that we can’t afford to waste money on national defense when there are so many domestic needs going unmet,” Frank said. “This most gracious offer from China to pick up part of the burden couldn’t have come at a better time.”
President Touts “Green Jobs” Model
In an early campaign speech touting his accomplishments, President Obama told the employees of Johnson Controls Inc., in Holland, Michigan that the company’s success is a model for how his “green jobs” initiative will revive the economy. Johnson Controls makes the batteries that power electric cars like the Chevy Volt.
“The investment we made in this company through the ‘Stimulus Program’ is conclusive proof that we are on the right track,” Obama boasted. “We have confounded the naysayers and shown how careful government intervention will triumph over capitalist ideology. Once again, ‘yes we can,’ will carry the day for those of us who believe in hope and change.”
The jobs created by the government’s stimulus at the Johnson Controls plant cost $2 million apiece. If this is a model for ending unemployment, the project amount of government stimulus required would be in the neighborhood of $28 trillion. Total federal government revenues for fiscal year 2012 are estimated at less than $3 trillion.
A Satirical Look at Recent News