By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
It is estimated that the Obama family has racked up $10 million worth of vacation expenses since Barack entered the White House. While critics have branded this as extravagant, especially in light of how poorly the economy is doing, the regime, itself, sees it differently.
“Might I remind everyone that the key to economic recovery for this country is to maintain high levels of spending,” said Press Secretary Jay Carney. “Sure, the President might garner a few ‘brownie points’ with uninformed voters by adopting a counterproductive stance of frugality, but he has courageously chosen to set an example that he hopes others will follow.”
First Lady, Michelle Obama argued that “the $10 million doesn’t get us even for all Barack and I have done for this country. With our abilities we could’ve easily made several times as much if he hadn’t been forced to become President. So, by any reasonable accounting, we’re still in the hole. People have no right to criticize the little we’ve taken in return for our sacrifices.”
Biden Warns Chinese on Downside of “One Child” Policy
In a speech at Sichuan University, US Vice-President Joe Biden told the Chinese government that its one child per family policy will “come back to bite you.”
“While the world must be grateful for your heroic efforts to control excess population via rigorous enforcement of widely available pregnancy termination services, there is also a downside,” Biden cautioned. “The decline in the younger-aged cohorts of the population will generate a severe actuarial imbalance in your social security program. This will impair your ability to fund benefits for the aging cohort. Simply put, there won’t be enough younger people working to support those who have retired.”
Biden conceded that declining birth rates in the West pose a similar problem for the United States and Europe, but warned that the “escape valves available to us don’t appear to be realistic options for a country with such a large population like China. Europeans have filled the gap by importing Muslim laborers. In America, we are blessed with a robustly growing crop of younger workers in our neighbor to the south. Where will China find the people needed to fill its youth population gap? China’s wages are too low to attract many immigrant workers.”
The vice-president speculated that “non-economic means might be China’s only recourse,” and that “an investment in a stronger military would be understandable given the unattractive alternatives. In fact, a more unified Asian co-prosperity sphere coordinated under the leadership of the dominant power in the region might be the best all around solution,” Biden concluded.
Egypt’s “Arab Spring” Starting to Pay Dividends
The ouster of Egyptian strongman Hosni Mubarak by a citizen uprising was heralded by US President Barack Obama as a harbinger of an “Arab spring”—a purported turn toward democracy and better relations between Egypt and America. Some of the fruit of this development are now coming into view.
First, the Muslim Brotherhood, expected to play a leading role in the government after upcoming elections, is demanding that Egypt abrogate its long standing peace treaty with Israel (the one brokered by Jimmy Carter when he was President). To show it is serious, the Brotherhood has threatened to kill the Israeli ambassador to Egypt if he doesn’t leave the country.
Now, Dr. Salah Sultan, a lecturer on Islamic law in Cairo University and head of the Al Quds Committee in the World Federation of Islamic Scholars, has declared that “it is the sacred duty of every Muslim who encounters a Jew to kill him.” Sultan’s call for slaying Jews came in a speech before 200 members of the Freedom and Justice Party at a rally outside of Israel’s embassy in Cairo.
The Obama Administration is “trying to remain optimistic,” but Secretary of State Hillary Clinton admitted that “this is not quite the change we were hoping for.”
In related news, inadvertent farting by US troops in Afghanistan has been blamed for several recent “friendly fire” assaults on US forces. Although belching and farting after a meal has long been deemed a compliment to the chef in this part of the world, it seems that these sorts of emanations from unbelievers are deemed offensive to our Muslim hosts. “Considering the natural ambience of this place is enough to make anyone gag, I’d’ve thought we were marginally improving the air quality,” opined an anonymous Marine now under strict orders to refrain from audible discharges when in the company of our Afghan partners.
Police Warn Against Resisting Flash Mobs
Police in Upper Darby, Pennsylvania warned residents against resisting the depredations of flash mobs bent on looting and mayhem. Several cities in Pennsylvania have recently been victimized by gangs of youths who organize and coordinate attacks on local businesses through social media. Gun sales in these areas have reportedly increased giving rise to police fears of vigilantism.
“Look, just because police are helpless against these mobs doesn’t mean people should take matters into their own hands,” Upper Darby police Captain George Rhoades said. “Thus far, the damage has been mostly confined to theft and destruction of property. The only people who’ve gotten hurt are those who tried to stop the youths from robbing them or who’ve just been in the wrong place at the wrong time.”
Rhoades acknowledged that “according to the law, the actions of these mobs are crimes, but mature adults ought to be more understanding. These kids come from bad neighborhoods. They want the same things you want. They just can’t afford to pay for them. Is inability to pay where we want to draw the line between who can and who can’t have? Do you really want to shoot someone for trying to readjust the distribution of property?”
The Police Captain urged residents to “stay away from trouble if you can. Don’t go out. Lock your doors. You’ll probably avoid getting hurt. If you do get hurt, or your place is trashed, well, that’s what insurance is for.”
New Labor Rules in the Works
Unions’ abilities to organize and carry out their political objectives are hampered by the fact that current labor laws protect their employees from the unions’ bosses’ “abuses.” That is, as employers of persons, unions are subject to the same rules that apply to other employers. Obama’s Secretary of Labor, Hilda Solis, is drafting new regulations that would exempt unions from the standards applied to other employers.
“These regulations hem-in the latitude of management by restricting what they can do when dealing with their employees,” Solis said. “While these regulations are necessary to protect workers from employer abuses, they are inappropriate when the employer is a union. By definition, a union is the friend of the employee. There is no need for the government to impose itself between a union boss and his employee. If the employee of a union thinks he’s being treated unfairly he can simply look for another job. After all, it’s a free country. No one is forced to work for any particular employer.”
Huntsman Wins Key Endorsement from Howard Dean
Former Utah Gov. John Huntsman’s campaign for the GOP presidential nomination garnered support from an unusual source when former Democratic National Chairman Howard Dean praised his candidacy.
“Huntsman is the kind of candidate that gives the Democratic Party nightmares,” Dean confided. “He’s smart, well-informed, articulate, and on the right side on most of the issues—he’d be a great candidate for the Democratic nomination. That’s why President Obama tried to keep him out of the running by appointing him ambassador to China. Unfortunately, he quit that gig and is back posing a threat. Luckily for us, though, Republican voters are too stupid to recognize his potential.”
DC Quake, Hurricane Irene Blamed for Faltering Economy
A highly unusual East Coast earthquake and a looming hurricane strike are being blamed for the nation’s economic woes by former Chairman of the Council of Economic Advisers and senior economic adviser to President Obama, Austan Goolsbee.
“No other president has had to deal with an earthquake in the nation’s capital,” Goolsbee observed. “And as we have seen, the quake has shaken the very foundations of our government and our way of life. Have you seen the pictures of the cracks in the Washington Monument?”
“Right on top of the earthquake we now have a hurricane headed straight for the Capital,” Goolsbee added. “What other President has had to face such a one-two punch of crises? Why, the president was even forced to cut short his Martha’s Vineyard vacation, negating a portion of its economically stimulating effects.”
“So, before we judge President Obama to be a failure we really need to assess the extremely difficult circumstances under which he’s had to operate,” Goolsbee argued. “To be fair, I think he deserves another term free of externally induced setbacks in order for us to get a clearer picture of his performance as President. At least, I hope voters will be generous enough to give him that chance.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News