By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
House Speaker John Boehner’s rejection of President Obama’s request to speak to Congress on September 7 became the focus of the president’s latest plea for campaign donations. Just a few hours after Boehner declined the date and suggested a September 8 alternative, the President’s campaign sent an e-mail to supporters.
“I am the leader of the free world,” Obama contended. “Being rebuffed by Congress does untold damage to my image. This can only harm my ability to effect the transformation for which I was elected to accomplish in 2008. Harming the President like this—some might call it treason.”
The president also hinted that Boehner’s action might be unconstitutional. “Not only was the Republicans’ refusal rude and insensitive—it showed that Boehner doesn’t really care about hurting my
feelings—it was also a cruel and unusual punishment. No other President has ever been treated this way. Now, as a Constitutional scholar, I know that ‘cruel and unusual punishment’ is against it.”
The e-mail recipients were asked to give generously in order “to prevent the enemies of democracy from thwarting our drive toward the social justice we pledged to wreak upon America.”
In related news, Vice-President Joe Biden rejected contentions that a long string of policy failures may indicate that President Obama lacks the smarts to handle the job. “There’s no question in my mind that Barack is the brightest guy we’ve ever had as a president,” Biden said. As proof, Biden cited “all the times he’s beaten me at ‘tic-tac-toe.’ It doesn’t matter whether he has the ‘Xs’ or ‘Os.’ He beats me every time. That’s the kind of dominating brilliance this country needs from its leadership.”
No Special Treatment for President Obama’s Illegal Immigrant Uncle
Press Secretary Jay Carney confirmed that the President’s illegal immigrant uncle, Onyango Obama, will get no special treatment. Onyango was arrested in Framingham, Massachusetts last week on a drunken driving charge.
“Like so many undocumented Americans, the President’s uncle has shown he has the ability to fit in,” Carney observed. “Despite being here illegally for nearly 20 years, he, like so many other immigrants have done, managed to obtain both a Social Security number and a driver’s license. This is the kind of ‘can do’ skill that has made this country great.”
Carney classified the drunk driving charge as “a minor offense—the sort any one of us might commit anytime we get behind the wheel” and said he doubted Onyango would be disqualified for the President’s recently announced blanket amnesty program.
President Puts EPA Regs on Hold
President Barack Obama ordered the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) to put its proposed new, tighter controls over smog emissions “on hold for the time being.” The President asserted that “while these regulations are fully warranted based on the scientific evidence, the projected negative impact on employment suggests that now is not the time to implement them.”
Observers speculate that the estimated $90 billion in compliance costs combined with the continued poor unemployment statistics pushed Obama to make this “u-turn” in his environmental program. The reaction from industry and environmental groups seems to bear this out.
Jack Gerard, president and CEO of the American Petroleum Institute called the President’s action “good news for the economy,” alleging that “the EPA’s proposed regulations would prevent the job creation that the President says is his ‘top priority.’”
In contrast, Gene Karpinski, president of the League of Conservation Voters, characterized the move as a huge win for corporate polluters and huge loss for public health.”
The president asked those concerned with environmental issues to be patient. “You know where I stand on this,” he said. “But let’s keep our priorities straight. There’s an election coming up. It’s critical that I win this election. Hitting employers with higher costs right now will reduce hiring or maybe even lead to more lay-offs. This would tend to undermine my chances. There’ll be another opportunity to enact these regulations after I’m reelected. The rules are already written. All that’s needed is the ‘go ahead.’ I can give that go ahead in 2013.”
Congressional Investigation Inspires DOJ Action on “Fast & Furious” Scandal
The Congressional investigation of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives’ (ATF) covert program to supply weapons to Mexican drug smugglers has been met by widespread delays, stonewalling, and obfuscation by the Obama Administration’s Department of Justice (DOJ). However, a recent revelation by Chairman of the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee, Representative Darrell Issa (R-Calif), that he has been comparing documents DOJ has supplied to his committee with documents he has received from “third parties” may have inspired Attorney General Eric Holder to take action.
Calling these “third party” sources referenced by Issa “a dangerous threat to national security,” Holder vowed he would “spare no effort to ferret out who is leaking this confidential information.”
Thus far, three “possible suspects”—Kenneth Melson, Dennis Burke, and Emory Hurley—have been ousted from positions that would enable them to access potentially damaging documents. “We’re not saying these people are necessarily guilty,” Holder cautioned. “We’ll see if this shake-up stems the flow of unauthorized disclosures of information or whether we need to cast a wider net.”
Holder said he does not rule out “the possibility that more severe sanctions may be needed to ensure the appropriate measure of loyalty from our personnel. The President has many enemies outside his Administration. The idea that there could be some on the inside is frightening. We will not tolerate it.”
More than 20 weapons supplied to criminals by the ATF have been found at various murder sites in Mexico. This does not include the two assault rifles used to kill US Border Patrol Agent Brian Terry or the weapons found at 11 other crime scenes in the United States.
Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY) said the scandal “reaffirms the need for comprehensive gun control legislation. It’s only because gun sales are legal in this country that the ATF was able to arm these criminals. If guns are outlawed only outlaws will have them. That will make the police’s job that much simpler—anyone with a gun would be a criminal. Getting a conviction for possession of a firearm will be a lot easier than trying to convict someone for murder. It’s a ‘no brainer.’”
Out-Sourced Qurans Filled with Errors, Iranian Government Says
A recent effort to make Qurans more affordable in Iran is proving a source of embarrassment for the regime. In a bid to cut costs, the government let a contract to print Qurans to a firm located in China. It seems that the finished product is loaded with spelling and grammatical errors.
Ahmad Haji-Sharif, director of the department of evaluation on publication of the Holy Quran, expressed outrage with the results. “Take the Quran’s command calling for Muslims to slay Jews,” Haji-Sharif offered as an example. “These Chinese dolts had the Holy book calling for Muslims to ‘sway’ the Jews. It’s blasphemy.”
Kung Pao, spokesman for China’s Anhui Publishing Group, attributed the problem to “a simple misunderstanding. It was our impression that the Quran was a book based on the sayings of a religious leader, you know, like Buddha or Jesus. Well, aren’t religious leaders trying to guide people toward the right path? Wouldn’t swaying the Jews from their erroneous thinking be a more likely thing to say?”
Trucking Firms Must Hire Alcoholics as Drivers
The Memphis District Office of Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) has filed suit against the Old Dominion Freight Line trucking company contending that its policy against hiring alcoholics to drive their trucks violates the Americans with Disabilities Act.
Katharine Kores, director of the EEOC’s Memphis District Office, maintains that “alcoholism is a disability. As such, it cannot be used as a reason for barring a person from employment.”
To counter the company’s claim that putting an alcoholic behind the wheel of a 40-ton truck would be unsafe, the EEOC’s suit argues that “there are other ways the firm can promote safety. They could use breathalyzer, ignition interlock devices, for example. But in any case, the law protects a person’s right to pursue his chosen vocation without being discriminated against because of his disability.”
Texas Sonogram Law Blocked
U.S. District Judge Sam Sparks issued an injunction against a Texas law that would require a woman seeking an abortion to receive a sonogram and hear about its results at least 24 hours prior to the procedure. “The U.S. Supreme Court has ruled that in this country any woman has the right to have an abortion at any time and for any reason,” Sparks wrote. “The intent of the Texas law is to provide information and time during which a woman might change her mind. It is an unacceptable infringement of this well-established woman’s right.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News