By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
President Obama’s widely anticipated speech before a joint session of Congress on Thursday stunned and amazed his erstwhile political opponents.
“Until I heard it from his own lips I never realized how mistaken the GOP plans to tear up all the roads and burn down all the schools were,” said House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Va). “And now that I know the President’s jobs plan is endorsed by the Teamsters’ Jimmy Hoffa and the AFL-CIO’s Richard Trumka, well, let’s just say that my eyes have really been opened.”
Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky) admitted that he was skeptical at first. “You know, in a way, we’ve been over this ground before,” McConnell pointed out. “Appropriating hundreds of billions to try to stimulate the economy has been the policy of the current Administration since it took office. Just because it hasn’t worked so far doesn’t necessarily prove it could never work. I’ve got to give him credit for consistency.”
House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) focused on the human element. “It’s one thing to get caught up in the statistics of millions without jobs—that’s bad enough,” Boehner observed. “But when I consider that the fate of one specific individual hangs in the balance I start to get all teary-eyed. If we don’t get this thing turned around, and quick, Barack himself could lose his job next year. I have to ask myself, if government action can save just one job why shouldn’t it be the President’s?”
Pelosi Demands GOP Cooperation to Pass Jobs Bill
Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) demanded that current House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) schedule an immediate vote on President Obama’s jobs plan. “The situation is too critical for us to afford any delay in passing this much needed legislation to fix our economic problems,” Pelosi contended.
The absence of a draft bill was brushed aside as “nit picking.” “The intent is plain,” the former Speaker argued. “The country needs jobs. Jobs cost money. Congress should stop trying to micromanage the issue. Just pass the required appropriation and let those with the expertise implement the specifics.”
“You know, it’s ironic to think that when we had a 2,000-page healthcare bill all I heard from the Republicans were complaints: ‘It’s too long.’ ‘It’s too complicated.’ ‘I need more time to read what’s in it.’” Pelosi reminisced. “Now that we have the opportunity to pass a one-page bill that simply appropriates $447 billion to save and create jobs they’re still complaining. Some people are impossible to please.”
In related news, a report on Obamacare prepared by Jonathan Gruber, a health policy expert at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology who helped design the program, conceded that the President’s showcase legislation will, contrary to promise, likely raise health care costs. Unfazed, Pelosi argued that the added costs “will be good for the economy. The increase in paperwork needed to comply with the regulations requires people to be employed preparing it. That means jobs. Though it might have been unforeseen, this should be considered an added plus for the legislation.”
Obama Uncle May Be Granted “Refugee” Status
President Obama’s half-uncle, Onyango Obama, an illegal immigrant recently arrested for drunk driving in Massachusetts, will apparently not face deportation. Like the President’s illegal immigrant aunt, Zeituni Polly Onyango, he will be granted asylum as a “political refugee.”
“Let’s face it, Kenya is a hell-hole unfit for normal human beings,” said U.S. Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano. “It would be inhumane for us to forcibly send him back to such an awful place.”
Napolitano denied that Onyango’s relationship to the President played any role in the decision. “If I may remind everyone, the President has declared that illegal immigrants from Mexico don’t have to go back,” the Secretary said. “And Mexico isn’t nearly as bad as Kenya is. So, it should be obvious that nepotistic favoritism was not the decisive factor in this case.”
Decline in Deficit Hailed by Geithner
News that this year’s projected federal fiscal deficit is $30 billion lower than last year’s ($1.23 trillion vs. $1.26 trillion) was cited by Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner as “a sign we’re on the right track.”
“I know it’s only a small one-year improvement, but if we can maintain this pace, the budget will reach equilibrium in only 40 years,” Geither asserted. “Of course, maintaining this pace will require both a full team effort and a little luck.”
Geithner brushed off the criticism that maintaining the current pace would add at least $25 trillion more to the nation’s debt. “Look, $25 trillion in added debt shouldn’t scare anyone who’s familiar with the government’s estimated $500 trillion in liabilities for promised pensions and medical benefits,” Geithner suggested. “Anyway, these are just numbers in a ledger somewhere. They can be erased by an act of Congress or diluted into insignificance by the Federal Reserve if necessary to protect the solvency of the government.”
Solar Firm Bankruptcy Not All Bad, Says Administration
The Obama Administration cautioned the public to not be misled by the news of bankruptcy overtaking the Solyndra LLC solar panel manufacturing firm. The company, a recipient of $535 million in taxpayers’ money, had been touted as an example of the success of President Obama’s “green stimulus” program just last year.
“While we would’ve liked to see this company grow and prosper, let’s not lose sight of what was achieved,” said Press Secretary Jay Carney. “Sure, 1100 employees are slated to lose their jobs because of the bankruptcy, but don’t forget, they got those jobs because of the government stimulus money. Keeping these people employed for two years like we did shouldn’t be scoffed at.” (Note: The taxpayers’ tab for each of the 1100 employee’s two years on the job exceeded $400,000.)
In a move aimed at preventing the President’s enemies from exploiting the bankruptcy for political gain, the Department of Justice ordered the FBI to seize company records and put them under lock and key until after the 2012 election.
Drug Addicts Can’t Be Denied Welfare, Says ACLU
A Florida law requiring welfare recipients to pass a drug test before receiving benefits is being challenged by the American Civil Liberties Union. The ACLU contends that the law is an unconstitutional “search and seizure.”
“Welfare must be made available based upon need,” explained ACLU spokesman Bertram Petty. “It cannot be made contingent upon passage of a drug test. Drug addiction is not a crime. Therefore, the state has no ‘probable cause’ for seizing anyone’s urine and subjecting it to any test.”
Petty dismissed the argument that applying for welfare benefits is a voluntary act and that no one is forced into the drug test. “Need is what forces a person into the welfare system,” Petty argued. “It has been widely accepted that drug addiction is a disabling condition that thrusts a person into a needful status. To insist that an addict is at fault for his own condition blames the victim.”
“We’re not denying that a person may contribute to his own decrepit condition,” Petty continued. “A lot of those in need got that way because they’re lazy or improvident. Yet, these people can pass the required drug test. Surely, a person who is disabled by drugs has a stronger claim on our sympathy than one who is simply lazy. For an addict to be denied benefits because of his affliction is
discriminatory. It cannot be permitted.”
9/11 Remembrances One-Sided, Says al-Jazerra
As America seeks to mark the 10th anniversary of the attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon, the al-Jazerra TV network urges us “not to forget the other lives lost on that fateful day. There were 19 young Muslim men who sacrificed themselves that day to bring glory to Allah. Though President Obama professes to be a friend to Islam he has done nothing to rectify the fact that every 9/11 event scheduled in his country slights the memory of these brave men. Shame on him.”
President Explains “Civil Discourse”
Recent Democrat attacks in which Republicans have been called “barbarians” and “terrorists” who “must be taken out” are not offensive says President Obama.
“You have to consider the source and the context,” the president maintained. “Who says something is just as important as what is said. For example, I know Joe Biden. I know his heart and mind are in the right place. If he calls someone a barbarian it is not without good reason.”
“It’s a different story, though, when the speaker is on the wrong side of the great moral divide that separates us from our enemies,” Obama went on. “Their words are more suspect because their intent is evil. Condemning evil while supporting one’s friends is the stance that every righteous person ought to take. So, far from chastising them, I’d have to say that I’m proud of my friends who have dared to speak the truth.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News