Call to Postpone 2012 Elections Gaining Momentum

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Concerned that the upcoming November 2012 elections may be interfering with the appropriate governance of the United States, two eminent Democrats have called for postponing them.

Governor Beverly Perdue (D-NC) complained that “fear of offending voters is stifling our will to govern. If those of us who hold office could be given a break from having to face voters we could more freely consider what would be best for this country.”

The governor was unfazed by the antidemocratic implications of her proposal saying that “if government by the people comes into conflict with what the government ought to do for the people, well, the choice is a ‘no brainer’ as far as I’m concerned. Most of us in government know what needs to be done. The apparent disagreement between Republicans and Democrats is just jockeying for political advantage.”

Perdue’s case for postponing the 2012 elections was seconded by President Obama’s former budget director, Peter Orszag, in an article in this week’s issue of The New Republic. Citing what he called “the baleful infringement that elections impose on policy making,” Orszag argued for “stretching out the time between solicitations of input from voters to a more reasonable interval.”

Alleging that “a lot of valuable experience is tied up in present office holders,” Orszag maintained that “simply extending their terms would be the most efficient option. I mean, what person other than Barack Obama has the experience needed to do the job of president? I suppose you could argue that Bush or Clinton might, but they are Constitutionally ineligible for another term. All of the other contenders have zero experience at the position. Logically, we’d get the most experience for the least cost by letting everyone stay in place until the national and global situations are stable enough to allow us the luxury of another election.”

In related news, former Obama Administration “Green Jobs Czar,” Van Jones vowed he will lead “a people’s offensive that will crush Tea Party opponents of the President’s agenda.” Pointing to the “Arab Spring” that toppled Egyptian president Mubarak and is now in the process of implementing sharia law in that country as his model, Jones boasted that “80% of America is with us. The enemies of progressive policies will be swept aside once and for all.”

Biden Says Obama, Not Bush, Should Get Credit for Economy

Insisting that “things are much better than most people think,” Vice-President Joe Biden said he is “comfortable with the idea of phasing former President George Bush out of the conversation when it comes to the economy.”

“A narrow focus on unemployment and deficits misses the overarching improvements we have achieved since Barack Obama took office,” Biden cautioned. “Look, if you’re among the 9% who are unemployed it’s a bummer. But if you’re one of the 91% who has a job your commute to work is easier since fewer people will be driving to jobs on the streets you use. So, I’d say the vast majority are clearly better off for this reason alone.”

Another benefit cited by Biden was the concomitant reduction in air pollution. “You know, cars are one of the main sources of noxious emissions,” Biden reminded. “With fewer of them on the road the air is cleaner. And since everyone breathes this is a gain for 100% of the population, even the minority that is unemployed.”

Biden also emphasized “the bright side of deficits,” saying that “these shortfalls have awakened the public to the need for higher taxes. When budgets are balanced it’s hard to make the case for raising taxes. But with the solvency of the nation at stake, more people are rallying to the support of their government.”

The vice-president urged voters to “not lose sight of the gains we’ve made. As the President has said, ‘we’ve achieved 80% of what we set out to do.’ Now is not the time to turn our backs on the positive strides President Obama has made. There can be no gain without pain. We need to stay the course and push through the pain in order to continue toward the promised transformation of America that the people voted for in 2010.”

In related news, former President Bill Clinton warned voters to “not be swayed by the siren song of individualism that’s being peddled by the Tea Party fanatics. So called ‘rugged individualism’ is a myth. The idea that a person can or should be expected to take care of himself or herself defies common sense. Government is, and always has been, the well-spring of human progress. To suggest that the current level of government control, direction, and regulation might be more of a hindrance than a help is pure nonsense.”

Mayor Says Government’s Highest Duty Is Ensuring a Healthy Diet

In remarks before a United Nations General Assembly summit on non-communicable diseases, New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg asserted that “a government’s highest duty is to ensure that its citizens practice ‘healthy eating.’”

Bloomberg explicitly rejected what he characterized as “‘minimalist government fantasies’ that would restrain us from taking obviously needed pro-active steps to eradicate people’s bad habits. The notion that government must stand by idly and abide self-destructive behavior in the name of ‘freedom’ is simply wrong.”

The Mayor argued that “the unalienable rights to life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness expressed in America’s Declaration of Independence are more damaged by irresponsible eating than by anything the government might do. Besides, these incitements to rebellion against England were superceded by the Constitution’s promise to ‘promote the general welfare.’ Nothing is more salient to a person’s welfare than the food he or she eats.”

While contending that “in an ideal world, all meals would be served in government-run dining halls,” Bloomberg conceded that “government control over what kinds of food are offered in grocery stores and restaurants may be all that we can accomplish in this generation. Still, we must not shirk this responsibility.”

In related news, the Obama Administration awarded the State of Oregon a $5 million bonus for signing up the most people for the food stamp program (also known as Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program or SNAP). Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack was effusive in praising Oregon for “the kind energy and enthusiasm that brings us that much closer to the day when government will ensure that every person is fed.”

President’s Jobs Bill Would Stimulate Lawsuits

A key provision of President Obama’s so-called “jobs bill” would establish the failure of any business to hire an unemployed person as a prima facie case of discrimination. Under the bill, any unemployed person who applies for a job that ultimately is filled by hiring someone else who is already employed could sue the employing firm. The firm would have to show that the suing plaintiff could not have done the job for which he wasn’t hired.

Critics contend that this provision will encourage litigation and invite nuisance lawsuits. Representative Louie Gohmert (R-Tex) said that “passage of the bill would raise the costs of doing business and further depress hiring. Whenever a job opening is filled there are typically more unsuccessful applicants than hirees. If every one of these unsuccessful candidates who is unemployed is invited to file a lawsuit a business might be discouraged from hiring anyone at all.”

Press Secretary Jay Carney called Gohmert’s perspective “myopic.” “He’s only looking at it from the viewpoint of firms that might be sued,” Carney pointed out. “Firms that play it safe and give preferential treatment to those who are unemployed will face no risk of litigation. Another overlooked plus is the employment that will be provided to lawyers who take up these cases on behalf of those being discriminated against, as well as the lawyers who would then be needed to defend the accused firms.”

Even nuisance suits—those that don’t have a case, but which are launched in the hope that a quick settlement would be more attractive to the defendant than the expense of a trial—were praised. “You always hear a lot of negatives about these nuisance suits,” Carney said. “But let’s not forget that the money paid out is injected into the economy and helps stimulate a round of spending that helps create jobs.”

Cain Called Insult to Black Community

The Reverend Jesse Jackson said that GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain’s notion that “Blacks can succeed in America without the helping hand of government is an insult to our race. I’m not saying that Cain’s life story isn’t a remarkable demonstration of perseverance and accomplishment, but it isn’t a model for others.”

Jackson labeled Cain’s rise from a childhood of poverty to a career of corporate and financial success “atypical.” “Just because Cain is the kind of person who benefited from the freedom to pursue his own dream doesn’t mean that freedom is the magic formula for everyone,” Jackson opined. “His contention that Blacks have been brainwashed into believing that voting for handouts is in their best interest is flat out wrong. Considering that the average Black person’s talents and opportunities fall far short of Cain’s, it should be clear that our voting patterns have been consistently in our interests.”

Cain’s atypical path was contrasted with what Jackson touted as “the more proven road traveled by esteemed members of the Black community like President Obama. By working with the government Barack Obama has risen to heights that Cain can only dream of. In fact, I find it kind of ironic that finally, in the twilight of his life, Mr. Cain now aspires to the role pioneered by a person he spares no effort in criticizing on a daily basis.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

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Posted on October 1, 2011, in John Semmens. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. The government is currently spending way more money than it is taking in and has been since BO took the helm. Why would anyone suggest they should be left in office to govern when all the big spenders need to be voted out?

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