By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
Contending that Congress’ failure to enact President Obama’s “Jobs Bill” amounts to “disloyalty to the duly authorized ruler of this nation,” Representative Jesse Jackson, Jr. (D-Ill) called for “extraordinary measures to restore orderly compliance with the steps the President deems necessary for the country.”
“No one can argue that these are not critical times for America,” Jackson said. “The time for disputation has passed. It is now time for action. Since Congress will not obey, the President must take the actions he thinks appropriate by using his executive powers unilaterally.”
Jackson sought to draw parallels with the secession crisis of 1861. “Just as Lincoln refused to tolerate the disobedience of the southern states, so too, must President Obama stand firm against the enemies of progressive reform.” Lincoln’s efforts to deal with secession included raising an army without Congressional approval, arresting opponents of his policies, and suppressing newspapers that editorialized against his Administration.
The specific action that Jackson urged Obama to take on the jobs issue was for the President to order that the 15 million who are unemployed be immediately hired by the federal government. The Congressman estimated that at a salary of $40,000/year, this would cost only $600 billion/year.
“The action needed is so simple and affordable that opposition can only stem from seditious motives,” Jackson insisted. Jackson dismissed objections that there would be no meaningful work for this new army of federal employees. “There’s certainly lots of things they could be doing to improve this country. They could pick up the litter that uglifies our streets and highways. They could provide domestic services like cooking and cleaning our homes. They could work in the fields planting, tending, and harvesting our crops. But even if they did nothing we’d still be injecting $600 billion of stimulus into the economy.”
Jackson wasn’t alone in casting Congressional refusal to pass the President’s jobs bill in stark terms. Representative Linda Sanchez (D-CA) called the GOP’s opposition “unpatriotic.” “They’re not concerned with our country’s economic well-being,” Sanchez maintained. “Their only goal is to defeat President Obama. They are enemies of America. The President should act accordingly.”
President Urges Egyptian Christians to Exercise Restraint
In the wake of a brutal massacre of nearly two dozen Coptic Christians by the Egyptian army, US President Barack Obama counseled the Egyptian Christian community to exercise restraint.
“I know that seeing loved ones crushed under tanks must be traumatic,” Obama acknowledged. “But you shouldn’t let the seeming transgressions of others divert you from the path decreed by your faith. Jesus taught that you should offer the other cheek to those who attack you. He also bade you to respect the authority of the government that rules over you. So, you are doubly warned against rising up against your tormenters.”
Obama also pointed out that “the means for living peaceably among your fellow Egyptians is at hand. By showing submission to their laws and paying the jizya you may deflect the penalties prescribed for unbelievers.” Even if repression is the policy against non-Muslims, Obama reminded Christians “let’s not forget that the trials and tribulations suffered by Christians under the Roman Empire allowed for a purer expression of the faith without the taint of worldly advantage.”
The president said he also wished that the Egyptian authorities would refrain from oppressing Christians, but held out little hope since “Islam encourages Muslims to slay unbelievers who won’t convert or submit to dhimmi status. I can’t really expect to persuade someone to act against his religion’s teaching.”
House Action Attempts to Block Federal Funding of Abortion
This week the House of Representatives passed a bill aimed at guaranteeing that no taxpayers’ funds will be used to pay for abortions. The 251 to 172 margin was mostly along Party lines.
Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) denounced the bill as “a death warrant for every woman in America.” “Without federal funding women who want an abortion will have to pay for it themselves,” Pelosi complained. “Those who can’t afford to pay will be forced to have children they don’t want, perform ‘do-it-yourself’ abortions, or seek cheap ‘back alley’ practitioners. The result will be ruined lives. And for what?”
Pelosi argued that “a person’s fundamental rights should not be subjected to worrying over whether she can afford it. It is government’s obligation to provide the financial means to ensure that all can enjoy the same right to terminate their pregnancies regardless of their own income status.”
The Congresswoman dismissed objections from people who assert that they shouldn’t be forced via taxes to subsidize an act they consider murder. “We cannot let selfish individuals interfere with the rights of others,” Pelosi argued. “Collectively, this nation has decided that every woman has the right to abort her own child. No individual has the right to impede this decision. The desire to avoid paying for someone else’s exercise of her right to an abortion is just pure and simple greed.”
Gore Endorses “Occupy Wall Street” Movement
Former Vice-President Al Gore heartily endorsed the “Occupy Wall Street” movement pointing out that “the implementation of its demands would go a long way toward dismantling the industrial society that is the chief culprit in the disastrous global climate change we are experiencing.”
Gore hastened to clarify that he is “not against Wall Street, per se. There are a lot of good guys working there. Many of them have been key supporters of a progressive agenda. Let’s not forget, though, that the institution itself is a mechanism for raising the capital that underpins private investment and the market system. It is this system and the economic growth it facilitates that expands industry, increases consumer income and causes the environmental degradation that is threatening the planet.”
“Let’s face it, if more people would protest instead of grubbing for a living there’d be less green house gas for us to contend with,” Gore said. “Camping out in tents is much more environmentally friendly than bulldozing the landscape to build houses for people to live in. And say what you will about living off of handouts, at least it doesn’t scar the land like farming does. So, on balance, I’d say these protestors are on the right track.”
Frank Rebuts Gingrich Criticism
In this week’s Republican presidential candidate debate, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich blamed the 2008 financial crisis on “reforms” enacted through the efforts of former chairman of the House Financial Services Committee Barney Frank (D-Mass) and former Senate Banking Chairman Christopher Dodd (D-Conn). Gingrich suggested that the two ought to go to jail for their “crimes.”
Representative Frank defended his actions in support of the legislation that compelled banks to lend to untrustworthy borrowers as “well-intended,” and insisted that any blame for any bad outcomes really belongs to former President Bush because “he let me do it. He could’ve vetoed my bill. But he didn’t. Look, I’m just one member of a 435 member body. Any power I had pales in comparison with the power he had.”
TV Journalist Says Cain “Not Authentically Black”
MSNBC news show host Lawrence O’Donnell took GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain to task for what he called being “not authentically Black.”
“Get real Herman,” O’Donnell demanded. “Your rise from poverty to corporate success is not a typical Black man’s story. In fact, it sounds suspiciously white. How can you expect normal Black people to vote for you?”
Asked to describe a “typical Black man’s story,” O’Donnell suggested that “being raised by a single mother on welfare, living in a housing project, and getting busted for drugs would be something that a larger portion of the Black community could identify with.”
O’Donnell called Cain’s idea that hard work and initiative was a viable path out of poverty for anyone “as cockeyed a notion as I’ve ever heard. The deck is stacked against Black people. Our culture is a white culture. Hard work is a white value. A Black person can’t be expected to thrive under such conditions. Democrats recognize that Government has to provide for Black people’s needs. That’s why Obama, not you, will get the Black vote if they if it comes to that choice.”
Japan Reportedly Refused Obama Apology for WW II
Leaked confidential cables reveal that the Government of Japan declined to accept an offer of an apology for World War II from President Obama.
The grounds for rejecting the offered were reportedly twofold.
On the one hand, there was the question of credibility. Obama was seen as “a person who has given so many inappropriate apologies to unworthy recipients that the value of an apology from him on this issue is dubious.”
On the other hand, there was befuddlement. “We started the war. Its unsuccessful outcome was the fruit of our own inability to carry it through to a victorious conclusion. The shame is ours. No apology is warranted.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News