By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
Expectations that her previous work in getting Obamacare passed might compel U.S. Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan to abstain from participating in the Court’s hearing of a case challenging the law were disappointed this past week.
“I have worked long and hard to see that this reform of our nation’s health care system is implemented, I am not going to sit aside as it is imperiled by the president’s enemies,” Kagan announced. “As one of the nine most powerful people in America, I would be wasting an opportunity to promote the transformation of the country toward a new paradigm of social justice if I were to neglect to exercise my power when it is most needed.”
Kagan emphasized that “Supreme Court Justices are appointed for life in order to ensure their independence from outside interference. This includes pressure from those who imagine that their notions on the role of judges ought to override my own. As long as I occupy this seat I will do as I deem fit.”
NBC “Grounds” Drummer for Bachman Misstep
Admitting that the playing of the song “Lyin’ Ass Bitch” as GOP presidential candidate Minnesota Representative Michelle Bachman made her entrance on the “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon” TV show, was a “miscalculation,” NBC executives announced that the band’s drummer would be “grounded for a week.”
“While it may seem unfair to place all the blame on one person, the offense isn’t serious enough to warrant sanctions further up the line,” said NBC Senior Vice-President Doug Vaughan. “If Ms. Bachman had been a more important person sterner measures might’ve been considered.”
The precise nature of the so-called “grounding” remains unclear. “Personnel actions are confidential,” Vaughan insisted. “But those who themselves have been grounded as punishment can grasp the gist of the penalty.”
Drummer Ahmir Thompson vows he will not take this lying down. “Since when is telling the truth a crime?” Thompson asked. He also demanded that the punishment be suspended until higher authorities are consulted. “The President is a good friend of mine and so is his wife,” Thompson maintained. “The NBC brass need to know that there’ll be consequences if I am made to suffer in any way for exercising my rights.”
Georgia Businessman May Face Federal Prosecution
Bill Looman, owner of U.S. Cranes, may have taken his opposition to Obama’s economic policies too far says Attorney General Eric Holder. Looman’s company trucks are plastered with signs saying “we are not hiring until Obama is gone.”
“I’d call this pretty overt and personal opposition to the President of the United States,” Holder declared. “I mean, President Obama has been striving mightily to create jobs. Yet, here we have a guy who is wantonly refusing to cooperate and trying to deflect the blame back on the President in a very public way.”
Holder said he is weighing charging Looman with extortion and election tampering. “There is an explicit threat right there on the sides of all his trucks,” Holder pointed out. “He’s saying that unless voters vote the way he wants he will withhold jobs from them. It’s like he’s holding these jobs for ransom. That’s extortion and an attempt to buy votes. We can’t allow our elections to be tainted by such tactics.”
Super Committee Failure Expected to Boost Democrats’ Election Chances
The so-called Super Committee composed of a dozen members of Congress failed to agree upon the required $1.2 trillion cut to planned increases in federal expenditures for the next decade. The sequestration that will now kick in will hold the increase in federal spending to $1.6 trillion dollars between 2013 and 2021.
The fact that the amount of spending will continue to expand regardless of whether the Super Committee accomplished anything was belittled by Press Secretary Jay Carney. “The impact of anything they might’ve done is minor compared to the fact that they failed to do anything,” Carney explained. “It is this appearance of failure that gives the President the opportunity to blame Congress for the lackluster state of the economy.”
“It won’t be the president’s fault that we didn’t get the tax increases we need to fight the recession,” Carney bragged. “That albatross is tied firmly around the necks of Congressional Republicans who continue to resist empowering the government to secure the larger share of resources it needs. Voters who’re fed-up with the GOP’s refusal to allow the kind of accelerated expansion of government the President has been advocating will know who to cast their ballots for next November.”
On the Congressional front, Representative Barney Frank (D-Mass) seconded the White House take on events. “The failure of the Super Committee means that taxes will automatically go up after next year when the Bush tax cuts expire,” Frank boasted. “All we Democrats have to do now is sit on our hands and the government’s take goes up. It’s Republicans who are screwed. They get tarred as the ‘do-nothings’ and we get the cash.”
President Embraces Occupy Movement
Despite being heckled and shot at by members of the Occupy protests that have sprung up in various locations around the country, President Obama says they “are the reason I ran for office.”
“I can’t dispute the view that corporate greed is what is dragging this country down,” the President said. “And I can’t really blame these protesters for their opposition to the current economic system. But I’m asking them to take a broader perspective.”
The president acknowledged that “my taking money from Wall Street for my campaign looks bad. Surely, though, this has got to be the lesser of evils if it helps me get elected. After all, the alternative is to allow those who seek to retard our progress toward a more socially just society to triumph.”
“Patience is what I urge upon my friends in the Occupy movement,” the President added. “Gutting the corporate pig to feed the 99% will take time and effort. The first task in that effort has got to be my reelection. Once that is achieved we can embark upon the next steps. Certainly, having a friend in the White House has to be an asset.”
Congresswoman Bemoans Church’s Inflexibility
House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) lashed out at the Catholic Church for “their inflexible hostility to a sensible compromise on federally funded abortions.”
“They’re placing their own prejudices ahead of the democratic will of the people,” Pelosi contended. “The people’s elected representatives—the Congress and the President—have determined that access to abortions is a vital health service that no one should be denied just because they can’t afford it. And hospitals shouldn’t be allowed to refuse to provide such services just because they are sponsored by the Church.”
Pelosi said she considered the Church’s opposition to having Obamacare fund abortion services hypocritical. “Without government assistance we’d have a situation in which the rich could get as many abortions as they want, while the poor can’t get the abortions they need,” Pelosi complained. “By opposing federal funding of abortions the Church sides with inequality and unfairness. Jesus was a champion of the poor. Yet, today’s Church hierarchy has abandoned them in this crucial issue.”
Idea that Cain Could Win a Substantial Portion of Black Vote Discounted
Washington Post columnist Jonathan Capehart pooh-poohed the idea that GOP presidential hopeful Herman Cain could win a substantial share of the Black vote in a contest against Barack Obama.
“While it may be true that Eisenhower won 41% of the Black vote in 1956, times are very different today,” Capehart wrote. “President Johnson’s Great Society War on Poverty put many more Blacks on the government teat than there were in 1956. Democrats that previously might have been seen as heirs of the Klan are now the Party of free stuff to many Blacks. As a conservative, Cain is seen as a critic of the welfare state. Blacks know that voting for him could slow the flow of the free stuff.”
Polls would seem to support Capehart’s case. While the majority of voters now disapprove of the way Obama has handled the job of President, an NBC-WSJ poll showed that a stunning 91% of Black voters approve.
Dem Pollsters Urge Hillary to Run
Calling the Obama Administration “an unmitigated disaster, the likes of which hasn’t been seen since Carter was President,” Pat Caddell, former pollster for Jimmy Carter and Doug Schoen, former pollster for Bill Clinton, urged Democrats to dump Obama and support Secretary of State Hillary Clinton as their nominee.
“Ideally, President Obama should voluntarily step down,” Caddell said. “If his policy agenda is important to him he should pass the torch to an undamaged bearer. It’s the Democratic Party’s best chance to defend the gains made over the last three years. His staying in the race only helps the enemies of progressive governance.”
“Secretary Clinton’s ability to stay aloof from the infighting that has damaged Obama combined with her unquestioned triumphs in foreign policy would make her a formidable candidate,” Schoen added.
A Satirical Look at Recent News