By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
President Obama expressed his “profound disappointment and disgust” with what he labeled “an unacceptable display of disrespect” toward him from Arizona Governor Jan Brewer (R).
“Ms. Brewer has to come to terms with her rank in the pecking order,” Obama said. “She is, after all, merely a governor of a relatively small and unimportant state. Regardless of how she feels about me, it is inappropriate for her to seem to be publicly criticizing her nation’s president.”
The President’s ire was sparked by more than the highly visual face-off the two had on the tarmac of the Williams-Gateway Airport during Obama’s recent campaign visit to Arizona. Governor Brewer also has written a book–“Scorpions for Breakfast: My Fight Against Special Interests, Liberal Media, and Cynical Politicos to Secure America’s Border”–that the President contends “scurrilously defames and discredits me.”
Obama hinted that the Justice Department’s lawsuit against the State of Arizona for its effrontery of attempting to enforce federal immigration laws could be expanded to include charges against Brewer for “defamation of character.” “It’s one thing for the state to face a lawsuit, the Governor bears no personal liability no matter how the case is decided,” Attorney General Eric Holder pointed out. “But a finding of libel against her for what she wrote in her book could be financially crushing. The cost of a legal defense itself could be daunting.”
Holder denied that the President was conducting a vendetta against Brewer. “Governor Brewer isn’t more than a tiny blip on the President’s radar,” Holder said. “It’s the principle of the thing that matters. People must be disabused of the idea that they can vilify the President without facing dire personal consequences.”
A post-election Executive Order authorizing the removal of state officials whose actions endanger national security or serve to undermine the people’s confidence in the federal government is reportedly in the works. “Arizona’s Governor Brewer isn’t the only one who’s gotten out of line,” Press Secretary Jay Carney observed. “There are some elections officials in Georgia who’ve proven supremely irritating to the President.”
State of the Union: President Says Higher Taxes, More Spending & Regulation Needed
Three years of failure failed to blunt President Obama’s enthusiasm for more of the same policies that have yet to show a positive influence on the nation’s economic health.
Despite the fact that both economic logic and historical experience argue that higher taxes discourage the investment that is essential to economic growth and the creation of jobs, President Obama vowed to push for higher levies on investors as part of his “recovery program.” “It’s not fair that some have more than others,” the President said. “All should share equally in the Earth’s bounty. It is the government’s responsibility to ensure that an equitable distribution is effected. Individual selfishness must not be allowed to triumph.”
Raising taxes on the successful was also cited as a mechanism for funding much needed “social investment.” “Private sector investment decisions are driven by profit,” Obama observed. “Public sector investments are driven by need. The more resources we can extract from the private sector to use for public projects, the more needs we will be able to fulfill. Vital public interests in green technology, transportation, and education shouldn’t have to suffer just because customers are unwilling or unable to pay for them.”
The President assailed the “anarchy of private decision-making” as “the third major obstacle we need to overcome on our march toward social justice. We can’t afford to allow the owners of so-called private property to have such a wide latitude for their actions. All property really belongs to all the people. It is up to the government to provide the guidance necessary to guarantee that all property is used in the most beneficial way.”
In related news, First Lady Michelle Obama rejected suggestions that the $2,000 dress she wore to the State of the Union Speech conflicted with her husband egalitarian political message. “Historically, the common people have always enjoyed a vicarious pleasure from the displays of opulence by their rulers,” Michelle contended. “No matter how badly things may be going for them personally, they are assured that the nation is prospering.”
Castro Denounces GOP Presidential Contenders, Urges Obama Continue in Office
Former Cuban dictator Fidel Castro characterized the Republican case for ousting President Obama in the upcoming election as “the greatest competition of idiocy and ignorance that has ever been.”
“Listening to these apologists for personal greed you’d get the impression that an individual ought to be free to do whatever he wants,” Castro complained. “Where’s their social conscience?”
Castro contrasted the “anti-social” GOP field with “President Obama’s appreciation for the collective well-being of the whole. While he may not feel confident to openly admit it, I sense that he is, at heart, a socialist. That American voters might reject him at the polls is a disaster that should not be tolerated. Hopefully, he will undertake whatever measures may be required to avert such a result.”
Gore Praises Presidents Rejection of Pipeline
Former Vice-President Al Gore heaped praise on President Obama’s decision to block construction of the Keystone Pipeline, calling it “the medicine we need to break our addiction modern civilization.”
“I know the President’s GOP critics have been harping on the negative impacts this will have on the US economy,” Gore admitted. “But they’re overlooking the very real environmental benefits of higher fuel prices and unemployment.”
“If we were to build the pipeline more oil would flow into America,” Gore pointed out. “More oil means lower prices for gasoline. Lower prices mean more driving. More driving means more pollution. Avoiding this is a major gain from the President’s decision.”
Gore also cited the broader economic impacts of the decision as a plus for the environment. “In general, cheaper energy would likely decrease unemployment,” Gore acknowledged. “What’s frequently forgotten, though, is that every time an unemployed person gets a job, that’s another car added to the stream of traffic. Let’s face it. The recession we are in has been a great boon for the environment. The longer it goes on the less pollution we emit.”
The former VP urged Obama to “look for other ways to assist in the deindustrialization that is imperative if we want to save the planet from the scourge we call human kind.”
President Hails Roe v. Wade as Crucial “Stop Gap” Measure
President Barack Obama used the 39th anniversary of the Supreme Court’s Roe v. Wade decision outlawing all limits on abortion to make the case for the measure as a crucial stop gap on the way to full equality.
“No one can deny that pregnancy places a disproportionate burden on women,” Obama asserted. “In an ideal world, men and women would take turns bearing this type of burden. We’re not there yet. In the meantime, though, we have an obligation to do whatever we can to level the playing field. By granting women an absolute right to abort unwanted offspring, Roe v. Wade has achieved a significant leveling effect. We must rebuff any and every attempt to infringe upon this court-given right.”
Since the 1973 Roe v. Wade decision an estimated 54 million pregnancies have been terminated by abortion. This is nines times the number of Jews exterminated in the Nazi Holocaust. It is approaching the estimated total of 60 million persons killed during World War II—the deadliest conflict in human history.
Hawaii Bill Would Track of All Web Site Visits
Representative John Mizuno (D-Oahu) is sponsoring a bill that would require all web sites to keep records of who visits their sites.
“The government has a right to know who is reading/viewing what,” Mizuno insisted. “A lot of the stuff on the Internet is not supportive of the government’s efforts to provide a safer and better life for the people. This could inspire mentally unbalanced persons to take dangerous actions that could interfere with these goals. We need to be able to spot this in advance if we are to avert an unwelcome turn of events.”
The bill is opposed by the U.S. Internet Service Provider Association, whose CEO, Kate Dean, cited its violation of the Constitution’s Fourth Amendment ban on unreasonable searches. “There’s no provision in this bill requiring the state to show probable cause and obtain a warrant in order to secure access,” Dean maintained. “It pretty much gives the police the authority to poke its nose into anyone’s business whenever it chooses.”
While conceding computer users concern over potential loss of privacy, Mizuno called their fears “overwrought. Look, if you’re not doing anything wrong you’ll have nothing to fear from the State. It’s only the people exhibiting wrongful intent that we’re trying to interdict.”
Mizuno defended the compilation of dossiers on “persons of interest” as “precautionary in nature. We can’t be certain from where future threats may arise. Having a file on potential troublemakers could prove invaluable. In fact, it’s possible that if people know we have the capacity to compile these dossiers that by itself may serve to deter them from getting crosswise with governing authorities.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News