By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
President Barack Obama told Air Force Academy graduates that “the world is entering a new ‘golden age’ thanks to me. I have bridged the differences that set America apart from what were our adversaries in an earlier era.”
The president cited his “reset button” policy for bringing the US and Russia closer together. “I have transformed Ronald Reagan’s ‘evil empire’ into a true partner for peace,” Obama boasted. “President Putin and I are on the same page when it comes to issues of war and peace. I can’t tell you all the details right now, but we are jointly working to fundamentally change the way our two nations interact.”
“We have also reached a new understanding with Islam,” he continued. “Their leaders have accepted the sacrifice of the renegade Osama bin-Laden as a necessary step if we are to mute anti-Islamic anxiety and achieve a more harmonious environment for cultural interchange, learning, and enlightenment. The day when every Muslim can freely practice his religion wherever he might find himself is closer than it has ever been.”
The president also tried to reassure Academy grads that “though we are cutting back on military expenditures, salaries and pensions won’t be on the chopping block. It is our weapons, not our young men and women in uniform that create fear throughout the world. As we reduce our dominance in weapons of mass destruction we will reduce the perceived threat we pose to the rest of the world. History will look back on this moment as the fountainhead of a new humanity—homo pacificus—that will usher in peace for all time.”
In related news, New York City’s PS368 has made learning Arabic mandatory. “Considering the way things are going, we deem it prudent to teach our students these critical language skills,” said Principal Nicky Kram Rosen. “Those who can’t communicate in the dominant language will be at a significant disadvantage. Look at how immigrants who don’t speak English end up at the bottom of the economic heap.”
Obama Campaign Recovers Loot from Capitalist Pirates
President Obama’s reelection campaign press secretary, Ben LaBolt rebuffed criticism that the campaign’s acceptance of donations from Bain Capital employees is hypocritical. Bain has been castigated by Obama for preying upon vulnerable businesses and looting them for selfish gain. Bain is the firm that GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney worked for before he became governor of Massachusetts.
“Those who don’t understand the President’s thinking imagine that he is inconsistently benefiting from the ill-gotten gains of those engaged in reprehensible conduct,” LaBolt said. “In reality, he is recovering this money, purifying it, and putting it to use is his crusade to transform America from a culture of greed into one of collective welfare and universal brotherhood/sisterhood for all humankind.”
LaBolt characterized the campaign’s receipt of donations from “repentant capitalists” as akin to the Catholic Church’s receipt of donations from mafia gangsters. “The ways in which the donors may have obtained the money might be depraved, but the uses to which the donations are put are considered laudable,” LaBolt insisted. “The Church claims it is saving souls. We are in a battle to save this country from the forces of darkness.”
In related news, Obama’s reelection campaign received the endorsement of Larry Flynt, the owner of the pornographic magazine Hustler and associated website. “From my perspective, President Obama has over-performed,” Flynt said. “Many of those he has liberated from the drudgery of employment now have more time to enjoy our products. Our revenues have seen a boost over the past three years. How could I not support the man who has been so good to us.”
Racism Said to Be Reason for Anti-Obama Vote in Dem Primaries
The Democratic presidential primaries in West Virginia, Arkansas, and Kentucky were all won by President Obama. Still, approximately 40% of the votes went for, respectively, an incarcerated felon, a virtual unknown, and “uncommitted.” Similar less than dominant outcomes in a few of the 1968 primaries inspired incumbent President Lyndon Johnson to withdraw from the race. No Obama withdrawal is anticipated.
Campaign adviser David Axelrod attributed the showing to “residual racism. To those who are stunned by this—after all these were Democratic primaries—I suggest they take a look at history. The three states we are talking about are all in the South. Southern Democrats have historically been racists. The defenders of slavery were all southern Democrats. The South is where the Ku Klux Klan has traditionally been most powerful. So, the fact that some rump of the Democratic Party in these states would come out and vote to try to embarrass a Black president should surprise no one.”
Axelrod said he didn’t think that these outcomes presage problems for the President’s reelection. “The anti-racist majority backing the president didn’t have much incentive to vote in these primaries,” he pointed out. “The President is already a lock for the nomination. They will come out to vote against racism in November.”
In related news, the New Black Panthers’ National Field Marshal, King Samir Shabazz, warned that “our tolerance for this kind of disrespectful voting is wearing thin. We are going to take over this country block-by-block. Crackers like these will soon find themselves in the cemetery where their future votes can be cast more responsibly and respectfully by those who really care about the Black man’s rights.”
President’s “My Sons” Reference Explained
President Obama’s campaign speech defending his healthcare policy on the grounds that “my daughters should have the same economic opportunities as my sons” has puzzled observers. Only two daughters (Malia and Sasha) have been explicitly acknowledged by the president.
Press Secretary Jay Carney explained that while “it is obvious that the president and first lady have only the two daughters currently living with them in the White House, critics shouldn’t be jumping to the conclusion that he misspoke. Statistics show that the average urban Black male fathers 3.2 children out-of-wedlock. Earlier in his life, the president was a member of this demographic. Given the roughly 50-percent chance that a child could be male, that would work out to 1.6 male offspring per urban Black male. So, statistically speaking, the president’s desire that his daughters enjoy the same rights as his sons is probably accurate.”
President Blames Deficit on “Greedy Taxpayers”
Despite running up federal deficits at a faster pace than any previous president, Obama says he is not at fault. “Deficits aren’t the result of spending alone,” the President pointed out. “Deficits occur when there is a gap between spending and revenue. If you look at the trends for both you will see that it is the revenue line that has flattened while the spending line has remained pretty much on track with prior periods.”
Of course revenues aren’t keeping up because taxpayer earnings aren’t keeping up. Business profits are down. Employees have been thrown out of work. The base upon which the tax revenue stream is founded has shrunk. Nevertheless, Obama complained that “These people are selfishly focused on their own problems. They pressure their congressmen to oppose the tax increases that are necessary to cover government expenses. When deficits inevitably soar they take no responsibility for how their own greed has caused the problem.”
Vice-President Joe Biden echoed Obama’s thinking in a speech accusing the Tea Party of “thwarting President Obama’s plan to save the economy. We’re trying to get everyone to pitch-in to help us get out of the recession. But these Tea Party guys got voters worked up using the false notion that whatever they own is theirs by right. Well, in this country, it’s the government that determines who owns what. It is our view that the government must control all our resources in order to ensure that they are used effectively and efficiently. Reelecting the President is the only way we can guarantee that this happens.”
The president also got support from Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev), who said that “Americans must get used to paying higher taxes if they want the government to continue to serve them.” Reid denounced the idea that the government might already be taxing us too much as “extremism of the worst sort. It’s not the terrorists who pose the biggest threat. It’s those who would starve government of the resources it needs.”
School Withholds Medication, Cites Rules
Deltona (Florida) High School student Michael Rudi suffered a potentially life-threatening asthma attack while attending classes. Though an inhaler prescribed by Rudi’s doctor was available, the school nurse withheld it from him because the school could not locate a signed permission form from his parents.
The school’s Director of Student Health Services, Cheryl Selesky, defended the nurse’s action saying that “it’s a matter of liability. If we allow him to medicate himself without having the proper papers filled out and he dies, the parents could sue us. If we follow our rules the blame for any ill consequences falls on the parents for their failure to complete the required paperwork in a timely manner. It’s basically a ‘no-brainer’ decision for us.”
Selesky admitted that the school’s back up policy of calling 911 was not implemented. Instead, the nurse locked Rudi in her office “to prevent other students from possibly being traumatized by seeing one of their classmates suffocate to death. I know the student’s mother and others may be second-guessing what we did, but we have a responsibility to the collective well-being of all our students. No individual’s situation, no matter how dire, can be allowed to override this responsibility.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News
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