By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
T. Christian Herren Jr., the DOJ’s lead civil rights lawyer, pointed out that “inasmuch as the vast majority of the non-citizens voting in Florida are illegal immigrants from Latin America this purging exercise would have a disproportionate impact on a protected minority. Thus, the purge violates both the 1965 Voting Rights Act and the 1993 National Voter Registration Act.”
Florida officials were warned that “failure to comply with this cease-and-desist order may require the Department of Justice to oversee and possibly put aside subsequent election results from your state until federal authorities can make the appropriate adjustments to offset the discriminatory impacts caused by the purge.”
NYC Mayor Explains Seemingly Contradictory Diet Stance
After embarking on an initiative that would ban the sale of soft drinks larger than 16 ounces in New York City, Mayor Michael Bloomberg took time out of his busy schedule to issue a proclamation honoring the 75th National Donut Day at Madison Square Park, where the largest box of Entenmann’s Donuts ever created was unveiled.
“It’s not like I’m saying that donuts are good for you while Coke is not,” Bloomberg explained. “Both are foods that the average person ought to steer clear of if he can. However, donuts are one of the mainstays of the City’s police force. Under the terms of our contract with the police union we are barred from taking any action that would impede any officer’s access to them. Signing this proclamation is meant to build good will between the City and the Union. Besides, I like donuts.”
Candidate Admits to Lie, Offers to Do “Community Service”
Massachusetts Democratic senate candidate Elizabeth Warren admitted that she falsely claimed Native American status in order to advance her academic career at Harvard Law School—a felony under current law. Warren’s admission comes after weeks of denying that she had anything to do with the school’s classification of her as a “woman of color.” Warren could be sent to prison for up to five years if convicted for her attempt to gain benefits by falsely claiming Native American status.
Warren followed this admission of guilt with a demand that her opponent, Senator Scott Brown (R), apologize for trying to take unfair advantage of a minor mistake that occurred so long ago. “This practice of picking apart a person’s words looking for every little misstep demonstrates sexism at its worst,” Warren contended. “I was young. I was battling gender bias. I didn’t do anything that any other woman wouldn’t have done.”
The candidate dubbed “Fauxcahontas” and “Lieawatha” by her detractors tried to make the case that the appropriate punishment for her felony would be a stint of community service. “I think the best way for me to do penance for my little ‘white lie’ would be to serve six years in the US Senate,” Warren suggested. “I’d be an underpaid, overworked public servant dedicated to righting the wrongs that people like Scott Brown have been perpetrating on this country since its founding.”
A planned protest by Cherokees at the Democratic State Convention in Springfield Massachusetts was labeled “misguided” by Warren. “Regardless of how they may feel about my previous claims, I think these Indians have to admit that the attention I’ve brought to the issue of Native American rights has been a big plus,” Warren argued. “More people are focused on this oppressed minority now than have been for a 100 years. I’m not getting the credit I’m due for what I’ve done for them just by being who I am.”
In related news, Warren received the endorsement of Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick, who called her “the best representative of Democratic values seen in this state since the passing of Senator Kennedy.”
Obama Apologizes for, Defends Bush Presidential Portrait
The unveiling of the official portrait of former President George W. Bush at the White House provided an occasion for current President Barack Obama to say a few words for the media.
“As we all know, former President Bush bears the lion’s share of the responsibility for the country’s current mess,” Obama declared. “His tax cuts are responsible for the humongous deficits we now face. His failure to kill bin Laden besmirched our nation’s international reputation for the entire eight years of his tenure in office. We must never forget or forgive the harm Mr. Bush has done to every human being on the planet.”
“I know there are those out there who question whether it is proper to include a portrait of such a miscreant among his many honored predecessors,” the President continued. “I share their sense of outrage. However, we must accept that the portrait of every past president—the good, the bad, and the ugly—is needed to ensure that we have a complete set. If Russia can include a portrait of the murderous Stalin next to the visionary Lenin in its array, we can certainly allow a somewhat less despicable Bush in ours.”
In related news, Obama refused to allow Lech Walesa, the Polish hero would stood up to communism and helped free his country from Soviet domination, to accept the Medal of Freedom on behalf of Jan Karski, a member of the Polish Underground during World War II who was being honored posthumously. “To allow Mr. Walesa to stand in for Karski would send the wrong message,” the President maintained. “During World War II the Soviet Union was our ally. Walesa worked against the Soviets, albeit in the 1980s. Permitting him to substitute for Karski would have insulted our Russian friends.”
Democrats Defend Sex-Selection Abortion
House Democrats voted overwhelmingly against the Prenatal Nondiscrimination Act (H.R. 3541), killing this legislation’s chances for passing in the current session of Congress. The bill would’ve barred doctors from performing abortions for the sole purpose of preventing the birth of a child of an unwanted gender.
Representative Sheila Jackson-Lee (D-Texas) characterized the bill as “yet another attempt to impose the shackles of the anti-choice lobby on the personal liberties of women. The Court gave women the right to terminate pregnancies in 1973. The Court didn’t say women could only do it for good reasons. They don’t have to give any reason. It’s their right—period! Congress has no business interfering.”
Representative Judy Chu (D-Calif) called the bill “especially insulting to women of Asian descent. A cultural or personal preference for male children is an inalienable right under our Constitution. Now that we have the technology to ascertain a baby’s gender in advance of its birth, it would be oppressive for the government to prevent women from using it in their pursuit of happiness—something our Constitution also guarantees.”
The legislation was similarly opposed by the White House. White House deputy press secretary Jamie Smith said that “admittedly, we all know that the vast majority of those aborted for this reason will be girls. As the father of two lovely daughters, the President is hurt that any prospective parent would cruelly terminate a child based solely on the knowledge that it is female. However, a woman’s right to freely choose whether to bear a child is one the he holds sacred. No law can be permitted to infringe upon this right.”
Labor Secretary Asks Media to Be More Discreet with Jobless Figures
Labor Secretary Hilda Solis called the repeated reports of high unemployment and new jobless claims “demoralizing,” and asked that the media be more discreet.
“Look, we’re fighting a war against the worst economic conditions this country has seen in 75 years,” Solis said. “Sure, there are going to be casualties in this war, but do the media have to harp on them every week? Don’t they realize that they’re undermining our efforts to win this war?”
Solis drew a parallel with how the media’s handling of the rising body-counts undermined the country’s willingness to fight to win in Vietnam. “Even though enemy casualties were ten times as high, the way that Walter Cronkite was telling it, it looked like we were losing,” Solis remembered. “That losing impression became a losing reality by sapping the public’s confidence.”
“All we’re asking is that everyone get behind the President in this battle to revive our economy,” Solis requested. “A more balanced approach in reporting on unemployment would help. I mean, a person might lose his job, but let’s not forget that he gains more leisure time. That means more time to spend with his family. More time to pursue his hobbies. It’s not a tale of unending woe. There are offsetting gains.”
The Labor Secretary suggested that “stories showing unemployed moms coaching soccer teams, or unemployed dads enjoying fly-fishing would be a tonic to public morale. Building the public’s morale is a job that the media are well-positioned to accomplish. I hope we can count on them to do it voluntarily.”
White House Insists No Apology Required for “Polish Death Camp” Remarks
Press Secretary Jay Carney said “the President will not be apologizing. The fact of the matter is that the most infamous of the death camps—Auschwitz, for one—were located in Poland. These camps may have been run by the Nazis, but the Polish Government did nothing to stop them. It’s long past the time that they should have acknowledged their role in that war atrocity.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News
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