Last week, National Organization of Women’s spokesperson Kim Gandy asserted that GOP VP nominee Governor Sarah Palin was “not an authentic woman because she doesn’t support women’s issues like abortion.” This week, the Obama campaign charges that Palin is “not a normal human being.” The charge stems from the failure of the teleprompter during Palin’s speech to the Republican Convention on Wednesday.

“Usually, a mishap like this causes at least momentary confusion,” observed Obama campaign spokesman Bill Burton. “Where were the ‘ers,’ ‘ums’ and ‘ahs’ that a normal human would utter under such stress? They were suspiciously absent from Ms. Palin’s remarks. I’d call that eerie and frightening. Do the American people want to put such an abnormal creature just a heart beat away from the presidency?”

In related news, Democratic VP candidate, Senator Joe Biden (D-Del.) requested that he be given the questions in advance of his debate with Palin next month, so he “can properly cadge lines to use in rebuttal.” “Ms. Palin is articulate, bright, clean and a good looking gal,” Biden said. “Obviously, I’m not. As the underdog here, I need the media to level the playing field if I’m to have a fair chance of winning.”

Obama Defends Executive Credentials

Senator Barack Obama took (D-Ill.) umbrage at the denigration of his reputed meager executive experience by speakers at the Republican National Convention and enumerated on the uncredited executive experience he has had.

“Let me first point out that I am the executive in charge of my own presidential campaign,” Obama said. “I’ve got 19 months of that under my belt. This is 80 times the one week of campaign experience Governor Palin has. And she isn’t even going for the top spot.”

“I was a community organizer for three years,” Obama added. “I was director of that operation. There were 13 of us—me and twelve others, just like that other famous community organizer: Jesus Christ. He was never a mayor or a governor. So, in comparison, I think our community-organizer experience easily outshines Palin’s.”

“I am also an acknowledged and respected citizen of the world,” he continued. “The people of Europe and Africa all support me. Can either Palin or McCain say the same for themselves?”

Obama also mentioned that he has been a subscriber to American Executive magazine for more than a decade. “I think this shows I have the mindset for the executive type lifestyle,” he argued. “I wear a suit and tie everyday. I’ve ridden in both a limo and an executive jet. So, I think people will see that claims that I lack important executive experience and the skills these experiences bring are overlooking the facts.”

In related news, the New York Times contrasted the “narrow” religious background of the Republican ticket (both are members of evangelical churches) with the “broader base of the Democratic ticket where there is a more balanced mixture of exposure to Catholic, Muslim and Black Liberation theologies—ensuring that bigotry will have no place in an Obama/Biden Administration.”

Open Microphone Catches Glimpse of Media Bias

Unaware that their remarks to each other were being broadcast, an unidentified pair of reporters at the Republican Convention offered their take on the Republicans “parading their children on stage.”

“After days of complaints about invasion of privacy and media smears, McCain and Palin put their children on display,” voice #1 complained. “I forget how many of the sons were supposed to have joined the army—as if this were something to be proud of. What, couldn’t they get jobs? Oh, yeah, Bush wrecked the economy.”

“How about the slutty daughter and her slack-jawed boyfriend,” voice #2 responded. “Like they’re fit to raise a baby? They’re just compounding a mistake. Maybe they deserve to be punished with a baby, but is it good for the country? Shouldn’t wiser heads have insisted on terminating this degradation of the gene pool?”

“It’s laughable,” voice #1 replied. “I can’t wait until voters send the geezer out to pasture and the rube back to Mooselvania or wherever she came from.”

At that point, one of them realized the mike was live and turned it off. As yet, no one has come forward to own up to the remarks.

In related news, the state-controlled Iranian media expressed hope for the Obama/Biden ticket. “The Republicans have nominated an absentminded old man and a female,” said an astonished Mohammad-Ali Fardanesh, political science professor at Shahid Behshti University. “In no way is this compatible with the Quran. At least with Barack Hussein Obama there is a chance. His father was Muslim. We may yet see the influence of the blood.”

UN Says US Not Doing Enough for Poor Nations

The UN report on progress towards the millennium development goals says the world's wealthiest nations are failing to deliver on their promises to give more money to the world's poorest nations.

“Many African leaders are unable to fully fund their Swiss bank accounts,” the report warned. “If deposed tyrants cannot count on maintaining a minimally acceptable standard of living in exile, they may be forced to increase the intensity of their exploitation and oppression of their own people. It is the duty of the United States and other wealthy nations to ensure that this does not happen.”

The report demanded that as a “first step,” the U.S. Congress pass the Global Poverty Act (S.2433)—legislation sponsored by Senator Barack Hussein Obama (D-Ill).

Biden Says His Experience Will Help Keep America out of War

Democratic VP nominee, Senator Joe Biden (Del) touted his past experience as a key plus in preparing him for the job of keeping this country out of war during an Obama/Biden Administration.

“I never fired a shot in anger and what I have been able to accomplish on this personal level has given me the insight that will help me keep America at peace when I’m vice-president,” Biden boasted. “Compare this to the experiences of our opponents. Not only did Senator McCain go to war, he was amazingly unsuccessful at it. He lost his plane and got captured by the enemy—all in a losing cause. As for Lt. Governor Palin, well what could she know about war and peace? Has she ever attended a legislative hearing on foreign policy? Well, I am proud to say I have sat through hundreds of hours of testimony on the topic. Let the voters mull that over when they cast their ballots.”

Biden’s ability to evade having to fire any shots was aided by his five student draft deferments during the Vietnam War and a doctor’s note attesting to his unsuitability due to asthma he had suffered when younger. Fortunately, the condition did not prevent him from playing on his high school football team.

In related news, Biden denied reports that he said Israel would have to reconcile itself to a nuclear Iran. “I said accommodate,” Biden insisted. “They are deliberately misquoting me to mislead the American voters.”

Bush, Cronies to Be Sent to Jail Under Obama/Biden Administration

Democratic vice-presidential nominee Senator Joe Biden (Del) said he and running mate Senator Obama “may be forced to put Bush and his cronies behind bars come next January.”

“George Bush stole two presidential elections, lied about weapons of mass destruction, refused to raise taxes, and committed sundry other crimes against the American people,” Biden charged. “The man and his minions must be made to pay. We’ll use an Executive Order, if that’s what it takes to preserve the rule of law.”

Putin Reassures Ukraine

After weeks of speculation that the Russian government would make the Ukraine its next target following its military action in Georgia, Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin characterized such fears as a “provocation.”

While many in Ukraine remain suspicious, Putin insisted that “no one will get hurt as long as they do as they are told.” He also denied rumors of a possible incursion into the Ukraine’s Crimean Peninsula, saying “currently, we have no plans to invade that area.”

Putin’s reassurances did not assuage Ukrainian anxiety in the face of Russian President Dmitry Medvedev’s pledge to “protect Russian citizens wherever they may be living. Those who infringe upon our people’s rights must not expect lines on a map to protect them from retribution. The Red Army will go where it needs to go to get the job done.”

In related news, Russia lauded the European Union’s decision not to impose sanctions in response to Russia’s invasion of Georgia. “They know that we will crush them like the worms they are if they interfere with our right to ensure our nation’s security,” Medvedev warned.