Professor C.A. Tuggle of the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill said former senator John Edwards' (D-N.C.) presidential campaign tried to suppress a student's video story about the campaign headquarters’ location. Tuggle reported that he received phone calls from Edwards’ campaign staffers who threatened to cut off access to Edwards to all UNC student groups if the student-run television program aired the story.

The two-and-a-half minute video focuses on Edwards' choice of the posh Southern Village shopping center for his Chapel Hill headquarters. In the video, James Dillard, a columnist for the student newspaper, said that the location seems to contradict Edwards' claim that he is the candidate who cares about the poor.

Thurston J. Howell IV, spokesman for the Edwards campaign defended the upscale location, saying, “We've got to have accommodations commensurate with the importance of our mission. We will not tolerate a smear campaign aimed at diverting attention from this mission or degrading our candidate. We will take whatever measures are necessary to quash these unwarranted attacks from right-wing extremists.”

The students’ video is available on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lb8r0XIZs7Y.

Middle School Defends Giving Birth Control Pills to Pre-Teens

King Middle School in Portland, Maine, defended its plan to make birth control pills available without parental approval to girls as young as 11. The policy was implemented when the school committee voted 7 to 2 in favor of the plan.

The school’s principal, Connie Lindquist, said critics of the plan were being short-sighted. “We take a holistic approach to learning,” Lindquist asserted. “Preparing these girls for the future requires more than just book learning.”

“As we saw from the Lewinsky episode, young women need to be prepared to deal the powerful if they want to improve their prospects for moving up in the world,” Lindquist went on. “And, I don’t think I should have to point out that not all powerful men are as willing to settle for oral sex as our former president. We’ve got to prepare these girls to go all the way. Helping them avoid unwanted pregnancies is an important adjunct to this training in life skills. So, giving them birth control pills is clearly a ‘no brainer.’”

In related news, in the United Kingdom, a foster child was taken from a couple because they refused to sign an agreement that they would “expose the child to the enriching experiences of a self-selected sexual identity.” “We don’t want these wards of the state to be stifled in a narrow ‘white-bread social environment,’” said Labour Party spokesman, Homer Phyle. “They need to see alternatives so they can choose for themselves.”

The 11 year-old boy has been sent to a hostel where, according to Phyle, “he can be shared amongst some of the older boys for a while. This should balance out the last two years he spent under the more traditional care of his foster parents.”

Advocates for Illegal Immigrants Show Poor Grasp of Freedom of Speech

Members of Latinos Unidos, McHenry County College’s Hispanic student organization, presented college President Walt Packard with a 400 signature petition protesting a presentation by the Illinois Minuteman Project. The petition also asked the college to prohibit groups “with unacceptable views” from using the facilities.

“They bring ideas that are opposite what the Latinos Unidos mission is,” said Latinos Unidos co-leader and Student Senate President Emmanuel Martinez. “The Minutemen are a group that goes against what we’ve been trying to do and build on the campus. By granting them access, the college is undermining our efforts.”

The Minuteman Project’s seminar follows a seminar conducted at the college by the McHenry County Peace Group on civil rights and the benefits of immigration.

In related news, Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean denounced Republicans for blocking the so-called American Dream Act. “The aspiration of a generation of illegal immigrants who came to this country to get an education paid for by the American taxpayers has been cruelly crushed by these paragons of selfishness,” Dean said. “Voters will reject the exclusionary policies of the rightwing and elect Democrats to open our borders and extend a welcome to the teeming masses yearning for the free education and free health care that our wealthy country owes them.”

Biden Apologizes for Insulting Democrats’ Base

Presidential candidate Senator Joe Biden (D-Del.) issued an apology for remarks demeaning one of the Party’s key constituencies.

“In an interview with the editorial board of the Washington Post I inadvertently wandered into forbidden territory,” Biden said. “While it is true that the District of Columbia schools are among the worst in the nation—inundated with the underperforming children of welfare mothers, infested with rampant drug abuse and terrorized by adolescent gang violence—my remarks implied that some of the fault might lie with the kids themselves or government programs that discourage responsible behaviors. This is not our Party’s position. It is not my position. I am deeply sorry and would like to apologize for my ill-considered statements.”

Biden said that numerous death threats left on his home answering machine helped persuade him of the seriousness of his error and he vowed to make amends by supporting legislation to increase federal benefits for unwed mothers, supply clean needles for drug addicts, and strengthen gun controls.

UK Professor Sees Need to Expand Nanny-State

Professor Julian le Grand, a former advisor to Tony Blair, has proposed that smokers be forced to apply for an annual £200 license in order to purchase tobacco products. Le Grand also suggested barring food producers from adding salt to products, mandating an exercise hour for all employees during the work day, and requiring employers to distribute free fruit in the workplace.

“People are too cavalier with their health,” le Grand complained. “Left to their own devices they are depreciating the nation’s human resources. It is imperative that government step in and guide them toward a healthier lifestyle.”

The professor cited a report from the Department of Health that revealed Britons are more likely to die from smoking related diseases, drink more alcohol, eat less fruit and vegetables, and are fatter than continental Europeans.

According to le Grand, a chief advantage of his scheme is that smokers would become "registered addicts.” “That way, if more strenuous measures became necessary we’d already have a leg up on enforcement,” le Grand observed. “And the £200 charge will help fund the necessary oversight and surveillance.”

In related news, New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced he is stepping up his fight against obesity. His latest measure would require restaurants to “make a good faith effort to persuade overweight patrons to select low calorie dishes.” To monitor compliance, the City says it will deploy a cadre of obese inspectors who will attempt to order high calorie meals at eateries around the city. “Any waiter that doesn’t spend at least five minutes trying to talk one of our inspectors out of his bad choice will be issued a citation,” Bloomberg explained. The fine for a first offense is $500.

Obama Explains National Anthem Stance

Hot on the heels of his explanation for why he no longer wears a flag pin, presidential candidate Senator Barack Obama was forced to explain why he doesn’t follow protocol when the National Anthem is played.

According to the United States Code, Title 36, Chapter 10, Sec. 171, During rendition of the national anthem when the flag is displayed, all present except those in uniform are expected to stand at attention facing the flag with the right hand over the heart.

“As I’ve said about the flag pin, I don’t want to be perceived as taking sides,” Obama said. “There are a lot of people in the world to whom the American flag is a symbol of oppression. And the anthem itself conveys a war-like message. You know, the bombs bursting in air and all. It should be swapped for something less parochial and less bellicose. I like the song ‘I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing.’ If that were our anthem, then I might salute it.”