Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean called the campaign tactics of presumptive Republican presidential nominee Senator John McCain (Ariz.) “sleazy.”

“And need I point out that McCain has been openly critical of Obama’s positions on the economy and the war,” Dean went on. “This is a negative campaign tactic, meant to undermine voters’ confidence in the Democratic nominee. It fails to acknowledge the message of hope and change that Obama is offering to America.”

Dean demanded that McCain “separate himself from the ‘brain-dead’ Republican opposition to what’s good for the country and work with us, as he has in the past, to accomplish the important objective of putting a Democrat in the White House.”

In related news, the Obama campaign rejected Senator McCain’s suggestion that the two candidates conduct a series of ten “town hall” meetings with voters, calling it “an attempt to ‘sponge off’ of Obama’s celebrity stature for political gain. Senator Obama has the money and charisma to win this thing on his own. He doesn’t need to resuscitate McCain’s senescent bid by sharing a rostrum with him.”

Actor Calls Soldiers Wimps

Rupert Everett, a British film actor, stunned fans when he referred to soldiers as “wimps.” “In my book, unless you’ve taken a hard, hot one up your bum, you’re a wimp,” Everett insisted.

The flagrantly gay actor conceded that most people wouldn’t see things his way. “Ordinary men don’t appreciate the risks we have to face on a routine basis,” he complained. “What’s getting your head blown off by a jihadi compared to a slow agonizing death from AIDS?”

Everett also lamented the fact that “while soldiers get medals, our courage goes unrecognized. There are G.I. Joes to glorify militarism, but there are no gay action figures. It’s no wonder boys are growing up warped.”

In related news, the Washington-based Human Rights Campaign (HRC), the nation's largest lesbian, gay, bi-sexual and transgender (LGBT) lobbying group, expressed its opposition to a McCain presidency, alleging that the Arizona senator “has not convinced us that he would take sufficient steps to protect our legal right to anal sex.” HRC has endorsed Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill.), calling him “a stalwart friend on this critical issue.”

Seattle Mayor to Ban Guns on City Property

Seattle mayor Greg Nickels (D) announced that henceforth weapons will be banned from all city-owned property—as a safety measure. The ban is believed to have been inspired by a shooting last month that injured three people at Seattle Center.

Nickels allowed that criminals aren’t likely to abide by the new rules, but contended, nonetheless, that safety would be enhanced because “thugs won’t have to exert as much force to get what they want. A robber won’t have to shoot if he knows his victim is unarmed. So, some money may change hands, but there’ll be no need for violence. Even an occasional murder is more tolerable than shootouts that endanger much larger numbers of innocent bystanders.”

To help set an example, police will also be unarmed. “How can we expect citizens to forego violence if, by arming our officers, we project the City’s willingness to engage in it?” Nickels asked. “Eventually, the individual bent on mayhem will see that he is the ‘odd-man-out.’ The social stigma alone will work toward peaceful change.”

Presidential candidate Senator Obama hailed Nickels’ plan as an “audacious experiment that encourages hope for a better world” and said he considers it a “potential model for an Obama Administration.”

Senator Says Government Should Determine Profits for Businesses

In an action that many are saying vaults him into the lead for a vice-presidential nomination on the Democratic ticket, Senator Christopher Dodd (Conn.) argued that the government ought to set limits on the profits businesses can make in order to ensure “fairness.”

“It’s not fair that some businesses make a large profit, while others suffer losses,” Dodd asserted. “Government has the power and, I believe, the know-how, to equalize inequitable differentials and establish a happy medium for all. Just because a business is fortunate enough to have low costs or high sales is no reason why it should hog all the benefits for itself.”

Under Dodd’s so-called “just right” profits plan, a business that has profits that are deemed “too high” would be ordered to share the excess with businesses whose profits are deemed “too low.” Dodd said his plan is modeled on a program from the 1970s in which oil companies that had low-cost sources of crude oil were required to write checks to companies that had high cost sources. “I think the plan worked well before it was jettisoned by Reagan,” Dodd contended. “It’s time to give it another try in a broader application.”

Senator Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.), a rival for the VP slot accused Dodd of stealing her idea. “This is my ‘Goldilocks’ plan under another name,” she said. “I’m the one Senator Obama should be thanking for it.”

Obama Promises Credit Crack Down

Presumptive Democratic presidential nominee, Senator Obama said one of his top priorities will be to crack down on consumer credit. “Too many people are over-spending and over-borrowing,” Obama said. “They are using funds they don’t have to buy things they don’t need. Meanwhile, vital government programs are starved for resources.”

Under Obama’s proposal, individuals would have to get government permission to obtain a credit card. “We will save Americans from running up debts and force them to be more careful on how they spend their share of the country’s resources,” Obama vowed.

Obama drew a distinction between himself and his presidential rival Senator McCain on this issue, pointing out that “McCain is tied to the tired old laissez faire policies where individuals are allowed to secure their own credit without adequate supervision by the government. My administration will bring an orderly, yet compassionate oversight into the equation—saving people from feeding their vices and frivolous impulses with easy credit.”

Venezuelan Leader Looks Forward to Obama Administration

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez said he is “fervently looking forward to working with President Obama to bring social justice to the Western Hemisphere. “Together we will strangle the capitalist oppressors of the working class,” Chavez declared.

Chavez said he is heartened by Obama’s pledge to meet with him. “I feel he is a man of progressive views,” Chavez opined. “Luckily, we don’t have to reinvent the wheel. Castro has laid out a blueprint for those of us who come after him.”

As an example, Chavez pointed out that Cuba’s national health care program covers sex-change surgery. “Under capitalism, people are forced to accept the gender assigned to them by nature’s lottery,” Chavez said. “If they don’t like it they must incur great personal expense to change things. Socialism rejects the dictatorship of DNA and frees people to determine their own destiny by providing the resources necessary for them to fulfill their dreams.”