“Senator McCain is taking my comments out of context,” Kerry complained. “When I said that, I was praising him for having the courage to turn his back on the right-wingers of his party to help shepherd Democratic-sponsored legislation through the Senate. Otherwise, I have no use for the man.”

Kerry characterized the ad and the entire McCain campaign as “misleading and sleazy.” “For him to imply that I or any of my fellow Democrats have any respect for him is a gross distortion of the truth,” Kerry said. “The voters should not let themselves be fooled by such ‘swiftboat’ tactics.”

Democratic National Committee Chairman, Howard Dean seconded Kerry’s charge. “John McCain has taken the low road,” Dean asserted. “Any praise he may have received from members of our Party in the past was totally contingent on circumstances. The usefulness of those words is long past. For him to dredge them up now for the sole purpose of opposing Senator Obama’s mission to save this country is pure evil. But then, what else should we expect from a Republican?”

Obama Campaign Announces New Media Protocol

The Obama campaign announced that from now on all media questions must be submitted in writing, in advance.

“Too many trick questions are being asked,” said Harvey Sain, deputy media specialist for the Obama campaign. “The Senator’s message is getting lost in the media’s demand for answers to trivial matters. Iraq, Iran, drilling, taxes…these petty concerns should not be allowed to distract voters from our promise of hope and change.”

Sain also questioned the motives of reporters asking such questions. “Are they shills for McCain?” Sain asked. “Or are they closet racists? Either way, we’re putting a stop to it. Nothing must be allowed to derail this train.”

In related news, campaign finance records disclosed that Obama has out-paced McCain by $33,000 to zero in contributions raised from Palestinians in Hamas-controlled Gaza. “Oppressed peoples everywhere see Senator Obama as their savior,” Sain crowed. “Even the poorest of them cannot wait to cast their bread upon his waters.”

Edwards Says His Affair Confirms “Two Americas” Thesis

Caught in an illicit sexual liaison, former Democratic presidential candidate and senator John Edwards leapt to his own defense calling himself “the real victim in this tragic turn of events.”

“As I have been saying for the last five years, there are ‘two Americas,’” Edwards alleged. “In one of these Americas I am the people’s tribune fighting for social justice. In the other, I am a conniving liar.”

Edwards blamed his “conniving liar” persona on “a closed-minded culture that demands hypocrisy from its great men.” “Men like me are under severe stress as we sacrifice our precious time and immense talents to nurture and uplift the American people,” Edwards claimed. “In earlier times, such men were granted more leeway. President Kennedy, for example, had many mistresses. He was never forced to humiliate himself before the American people. To the contrary, he got his head on the half-dollar. The way I’m being treated is so not fair.”

While admitting the affair, Edwards denied he fathered the woman’s child. “We only had ‘unconventional’ sex, so there’s no way I could be the father of that baby,” he insisted.

The former North Carolina senator also thanked his wife, Elizabeth “for taking time out of her busy chemo-therapy to help bolster my image as a family man during this last campaign.” Edwards said his wife has known about the affair since 2006, “but put aside her own needs to try to get me elected. She put the well-being of the country first. I couldn’t have gotten as far as I did without her support.”

Second in line for expressions of gratitude was Fred Baron, chairman of Edwards’ presidential campaign finance committee. “Fred paid Rielle to leave North Carolina out of his own pocket, sheltering her from nosy reporters and giving me ‘plausible deniability’ to charges that I had either an affair or a hand in her departure,” Edwards revealed. “He’s the kind of man who would’ve served a President Edwards well and faithfully. It’s a crying shame that this country won’t have the opportunity to see him in that role.”

Russian Government Takes Offense at President Bush’s Remarks

President Bush’s proclamation condemning “the evils of Soviet communism and Nazi fascism” and praising the “triumph of freedom and democracy over these tyrannies,” drew a sharp rebuke from the Russian Foreign Ministry.

“This statement is unfair,” complained Deputy Foreign Minister Ivan Brutishki. “We had a deal with Hitler to divide Poland. We kept our part of the bargain, but the Germans attacked us anyway and took our slice of Poland. We were an aggrieved party. The same cannot be said for the United States. What territory did the Nazis take from it? Luckily, things were set right at Yalta.”

The Yalta Treaty, signed by the U.S.S.R., the U.S. and Great Britain in 1945, ceded to the U.S.S.R. the Polish territory awarded to them in the infamous Molotov-Ribbentrop Treaty of 1939. This treaty is widely acknowledged to have enabled the Nazis to launch World War II by assuring them of Soviet cooperation on the eastern border of the Reich, freeing German troops for an all-out assault on Western Europe.

Brutishki also pointed out that “the vast majority of the millions killed by the Soviet Union were citizens of the Soviet Union. Surely, a sovereign nation has the right to dispose of its own citizens as necessary for the common good. Most of those killed by the Germans were foreigners. So, to lump us in with them is a grave injustice.”

California Democrats Hail Governor’s Sales Tax Hike, But Say More Is Needed

Senate President Pro Tem Don Perata (D-Oakland) said he welcomed Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s proposed 1-cent sales tax hike as “a start,” but feared it wouldn’t be enough to meet the government’s needs.

“I’m glad the governor has come around to saying publicly what we’ve known all along--that people aren’t doing enough to support us here at the state,” Perata said. “But we have to take even bolder steps to ensure we have sufficient resources to fund our programs.”

Perata said that the Democratic caucus was “looking at the vast hoard of money stashed away in savings accounts, mutual funds, and 401Ks.” “It is unconscionable that the so-called owners of these resources are selfishly withholding this money while their government is strapped for cash,” Perata charged. “Collective need should take priority over private greed.”

The Democratic leadership is looking at a plan that would transfer “excess balances” from “idle accounts” to the state treasury. “People who are working don’t need this money right now,” Perata contended. “We will use this money to cover state expenses during the crisis. Later, if these people can’t work anymore and need help, the state will take care of them. It’s a win-win solution.”

City Ordinance to Require Day Laborer Accommodations

A Los Angeles City Council committee unanimously recommended an ordinance that would require home improvement stores that are 100,000 square feet or larger, or any building with 250,000 square feet or more of warehouse floor area, to set aside space for day laborers.

The space required must include shelter from the elements, be easily accessible and equipped with drinking water, bathrooms, tables with seating, free condoms, and trash receptacles.

Bethany Leal of the Multi-Ethnic Immigrant Worker Organizing Network, urged adoption of the ordinance. “These immigrants have journeyed far from their native countries,” Leal observed. “Most have entered the United States with little more than the shirts on their backs. Many are virtually homeless. This measure merely meets minimum welfare standards.”

Leal called the proposed ordinance “good insurance for the time in the future when these immigrants will constitute a majority of the electorate.” “The kindness we show today may be repaid tomorrow when they have the upper hand,” Leal warned.