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Attempt to Morph ‘Bad Luck’ into Scandals ‘Unfair,’ Says Carney
John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
President Obama’s Press Secretary Jay Carney bristled at the suggestion the Administration is embroiled in three major scandals. “What scandals?” Carney demanded to know. “The President has been giving his utmost to this country and now people are trying to package a run of bad luck into a series of scandals? It’s unfair.”
The “run of bad luck,” as Carney sees it, is “a media that is paying undue attention to relatively minor screw-ups by low level employees. Rather than being lauded for his efforts to employ a broader range of the ‘differently- abled,’ the president is now pilloried for the missteps of a few unworthy servants. It’s the greatest miscarriage of justice I’ve ever had the displeasure of seeing.”
To bolster his case, Carney pointed to outgoing IRS Commissioner Steve Miller assessment that the targeting of conservative groups “were foolish mistakes by well-meaning staffers who independently over reacted to President Obama’s characterization of his political opponents as ‘enemies’ with ‘nefarious plans’ against this country. And let’s not forget that Commissioner Miller pointed out that targeting conservative groups for extra scrutiny and rigorous enforcement is purely a matter of discretion. There is no law that says the IRS cannot use whatever criteria it deems useful in selecting how to focus its energies.”
Carney added that a report from CBS’ Sharyl Attkisson citing undisclosed sources within the Obama Administration laid the blame for the Benghazi mess on “the idiocy of key personnel” “also lends support to the idea that the president is, perhaps, the biggest victim in this unfortunate incident. We’ll grant that others may have suffered, but he has clearly suffered more.”
The third scandal involving Administration efforts to impede freedom of the press by tapping phone lines was attributed to the Department of Justice’s “uncomprehending stupidity.” “The media are our allies in the movement for progressive causes,” Carney contended. “The President knows this. That, by itself, must exonerate him from any responsibility for any intimidation that may have resulted.”
“When you look at the big picture, it’s indisputable that no previous president has been so ill-served by those under him,” Carney complained. “President Obama has been kept in the dark by a virtual conspiracy of incompetent and possibly malicious forces. His perseverance under such circumstances can only be seen as heroic. Instead of talking about impeachment Congress ought to be creating expanded powers for him so he will have the latitude he needs to right the ship of state.”
Carney’s vision of an embattled president beset by bad luck and worse underlings was endorsed by House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) who accused the GOP of “concocting bogus allegations against the president as a means of distracting the voters from his unparralleled greatness. The ones we should be investigating are the disloyal employees who have turned on their own government for self-aggrandizement as so-called whistle blowers and the members of the media who give credence to their false narratives.”
In related news, Sarah Hall Ingram, the IRS official who ran the operation targeting conservative groups has been promoted to head up the IRS Affordable Care Act Division where she will oversee enforcement of the provisions of Obamacare. Ingram says she relishes “the opportunity to inject a much needed attention to the ‘social justice’ element as a major determinant for allocating scarce health care resources.”
Planned Parenthood Ad Campaign Breaks New Ground
Planned Parenthood’s new advertisement asserting that aborted babies will thank their would-be mothers evidences a shift to macabre honesty in the organization’s messaging.
“There’s nothing worse for a child than being unwanted,” claimed PP spokeswoman Adora Slaughter. “Add to this the burdensome tedium of motherhood and you have a formula that maximizes unhappiness. Abortion rescues all the participants from this fate.”
“Previously, we have invested almost all our energy on advising women to carefully consider the responsibilities they could avoid by aborting a potential child they don’t want,” Slaughter said. “I mean, having a baby you don’t want is like an 18-year sentence to hard labor. There’s the pain of childbirth, then the feeding, diapering, and constant supervision that tells a woman ‘your life is not your own.’ But anti-abortion agitators have been making inroads advancing a ‘benefit to the child’ line of argument. Our new campaign is taking that argument on and refuting its false logic.”
“Studies show that unwanted children are more likely to be victims of parental neglect and abuse,” Slaughter observed. “Worse yet, many of these neglected and abused children go on to lives of crime and degradation. Our new ad urges expectant mothers to weigh these negatives before being emotionally seduced into a misguided notion that going to term with an unwanted pregnancy is somehow more humane than a quick abortion. The gratitude of both a child spared an unworthy life and a society relieved of its consequences merit consideration.”
Slaughter dismissed the possible suffering of the aborted baby as “gruesome, but mercifully brief. Being dismembered in the womb is over in a matter of minutes. Even if the fetus can feel pain it is momentary compared to the full lifetime of pain that the unwanted child must face. No, abortion is the kinder choice.”
In related news, the conviction of Kermit Gosnell for murdering three babies who survived his attempt to legally abort them inspired Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) to call for more federal aid to fund abortions. “As it stands, the most remunerative fields for doctors are neurosurgery and cardiology, so that’s where the best talent goes,” Reid said. “If there were a bigger payoff for performing abortions we’d get doctors with the skills to legally kill the fetuses before they emerge from their mothers’ bodies. Then they wouldn’t have to be stabbed to death by clumsy incompetents like Gosnell.”
Key Dem Says Government Unmanageably Big
Presidential adviser David Axelrod sought to deflect blame for the scandals swirling around President Obama by pointing out that “as it stands today, government is unmanageably big. The responsibilities and scope of action are so enormous that no human being or even team of humans could possibly govern effectively.”
Axelrod hastened to clarify that “I’m not joining the ranks of the ‘smaller government’ crowd. That would be irresponsible. Government has a moral obligation to meet the needs of the people. It can’t shirk this obligation just because its attainment is impossible.”
The very impossibility of the task was held to be further proof by Axelrod that “we must maintain course. The President may be scorned, but he is the only one who can be trusted to continue to push for this agenda no matter how hopeless and to strive with his last ounce of courage no matter how unreachable the goal. I can think of no one else who could replace him.”
“Failing to achieve an impossible dream is, in my opinion, much to be preferred over succeeding in a more modest endeavor,” Axelrod argued. “A glorious failure will be remembered long after a hundred modest successes are forgotten by our historians. There is no one more suitable than President Obama if our era is to be a memorable one.”
In related news, Press Secretary Jay Carney rejected comparing Obama to Nixon. “Look, Nixon wimped out,” Carney said. “He said he didn’t want to put the country through the pain of an impeachment proceeding. President Obama will not resign no matter what. He will, like President Clinton, hang tough. With a Democratic majority in the Senate there’s no way the GOP can convict him. The idea he can be held accountable is DOA.”
New Speech Rules Expand Sexual Harassment Offenses
A new set of rules imposed on educational institutions by the US Departments of Justice and Education threaten to make every student vulnerable to charges of sexual harassment. The new rules condemn “any unwelcome conduct of a sexual nature.”
Examples of offenses include Joe asks Sue for a date. Sue regards this request as unwelcome conduct of a sexual nature. Mike overhears two classmates privately denigrating homosexual behavior. Mike regards this as unwelcome conduct of a sexual nature. Persons engaged in this unwelcome conduct are liable to be penalized.
US Secretary of Education Arne Duncan acknowledged that “such a broad net will entrap students in what most people would consider either innocent social interactions or protected free speech. If this sends a message that deters students from dating or engaging in salacious conversations is that really so bad? Students should focus on their studies. Dating detracts from that. And discussions on topics of a sexual nature should not be conducted in places where they can be overheard.”
Schools that are insufficiently zealous in enforcing these new rules may forfeit federal aid. “I know the penalties that could be levied against academic institutions sound harsh,” Duncan admitted. “But we consider the issue to be serious enough to warrant taking a stern hand in what is said and done in schools receiving our support.”
Duncan professed indifference to the negative impact this might have on the desire to attend college. “I recently read that 85% of those going to college are wasting their time and money anyway,” Duncan recalled. “So, maybe booting out a few for unwelcome conduct wouldn’t be such a tragedy. If others are discouraged by one more hassle they have to face in school maybe they’ll get jobs and start paying the taxes government needs.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News
Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and do not change the context. Thank you.
Two Boy Scouts’ Rallies in Arizona Today
Today, OnMyHonor.Net, a coalition of concerned Boy Scouts of America (BSA) parents, scoutmasters, Eagle Scouts and other scouting leaders who affirm scouting’s timeless values, announced the Rally for Scouting, a nationwide series of rallies to support the current membership policy of the BSA to take place on Friday, May 17, 2013 from noon to 1:30 pm local time. A full list of over 40 rally locations is available at: http://www.OnMyHonor.net/map.
As delegates consider a proposed change to BSA membership standards, many people with an interest in scouting are raising concerns about the risks and effects that change would have on scouting programs. The proposed resolution, to be voted on by the national council on May 23 in Grapevine, Texas, would change the membership policy to require all chartered scouting units to allow open homosexuality among boys in the organization but not adults.
Recently, OnMyHonor.Net published an open letter providing a legal and ethical analysis of the BSA resolution, giving council members 10 reasons to vote “No” in May.
Rallies will be held today in Tucson and Phoenix:
2969 North Greenfield Road, Phoenix,
Contact: Kimberly Eliot (520) 282-0390
5049 East Broadway, Suite 200, Tucson
Contact: Roy Lamb (734) 634-2102
Read the letter
President Tells Grads that Fear of Tyranny a ‘Mental Illness’
John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
In a commencement address to graduates of OhioStateUniversity, President Obama urged them to eschew “the deranged rantings of those who see growth of government as antithetical to human liberty.”
The president warned that “this particular form of mental illness can be traced back to the Founders of this country who portrayed the modest efforts of the British Government to instill some much-needed discipline into a so-called tyranny against Americans’ supposed natural rights.”
Obama alleged that “while the people of 1776 could be excused for their ignorance—after all, universal public education would not be implemented for another century or more—graduates of today’s top-of-the-line universities ought to break free of these delusions.”
The president concluded his remarks by encouraging new grads to “join my crusade to transform the ways we think about freedom in this country. It’s not enough to just have the liberty to live one’s own life if you don’t have the means to enjoy it. This is where an enlarged role for government comes into play. By wresting away the undeserved wealth from those who have more than they need, government can acquire the resources to ensure a richer and fuller life for all. By voting eagerly and often you can help make this happen.”
An indication that fear of tyranny might not be as “deranged” as President Obama would have us believe emerged when the IRS was forced to apologize for harassing Tea Party opponents of Obama’s policies. Top IRS official Lois Lerner admitted that “this invasion of privacy for purely political reasons was, of course, wrong. However, to put this into proper perspective, no one died as a result of this abuse of the agency’s authority. And in our defense the harassment was carried out at the request of high ranking members of the US Senate.”
The senators reported to have demanded that the IRS audit or otherwise harry Tea Party members included Robert Bennett (D-Utah), Charles Schumer (D-NY), Al Franken (D-Minn), Tom Udall (D-NM), Jeanne Shaheen (D-NH), Sheldon Whitehouse (D-Conn), and Jeff Merkley (D-Ore).
An unrepentant Senator Franken defiantly defended his request saying “we are at war for the conscience of America. Why shouldn’t we use every weapon at our disposal. These tea-baggers are relentless in their quest to resist their own government. We, who are the government, have every right to fight back as we see fit.”
Mothers’ Day Troop Visit Scuttled by Sequester
House minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) said she will have to cancel her traditional Mothers’ Day visit to US soldiers stationed overseas because of the budget sequester.
“As a kind of madre in loco parentis to all of our persons in uniform I’m sure my absence this year will be sorely missed,” Pelosi opined. “It is yet another cruel sacrificed to be laid at the feet of those in the GOP who are opposed to the President’s request for more revenue enhancements.”
Despite Pelosi’s statement, it is by no means clear that her traditional visits are highly desired nor that she couldn’t still make them. Pelosi has considerable personal wealth and could easily afford to pay for the trip out of her own pocket.
Queried as to why she doesn’t finance such an “important morale-building mission” out of her own ample funds, the former House Speaker asserted that “the implication that I should spend my own money is an insult. High-ranking members of the government shouldn’t have to spend their own money carrying out their public duties.”
Army Sergeant Tim Johnson, currently stationed in Afghanistan expressed mixed feelings about Pelosi’s announcement. “We’re kind of relieved that we don’t have to go through the hoops of entertaining another visit from a Washington big shot,” Johnson admitted. “It does help put things in clearer perspective, though. We can be out here everyday putting our lives on the line, but a Congresswoman can’t spend a few bucks to do what she says is her vital contribution to our mission? Oh please, give me a f*ing break.”
Amnesty the “Least We Can Do” for Illegals
Vice-President Joe Biden hit back at those criticizing the current immigration reform bill as a grant of amnesty to lawbreakers. “Considering everything these people have already suffered through, granting them amnesty is the least we ought to be doing for them,” he argued.
“Think about it,” Biden demanded. “A person in this country illegally had to cross hundreds of miles of baking desert, dodging INS officers along the way. Many had to pay Mexican criminals for the right to pass through their drug territories unscathed. Once here they had to take on menial jobs at low pay while eluding detection and deportation—often for years. These are real achievements worthy of our admiration.”
“In fact, not granting illegal immigrants the dignity of amnesty will send a chilling message to those still aspiring to come to America,” Biden added. “I mean, if in the end, all they can look forward to is, at best, a life in the shadows or worse, being sent back where they came from, why make the effort to come here?”
The Vice-President cited the Administration’s out-reach to the Mexican Government to obtain their cooperation in assisting illegal immigrants to get into the Food Stamp program as “more in tune with where we want to go on this issue. It would be best if Congress could enact an immigration reform that includes amnesty, but if they can’t the President can always use his power to pardon lawbreakers to implement the necessary changes through executive action.”
Senator Says Texting Illegals Will Remind Them to Go Home
Senator Tom Carper (D-Del) contends that “a significant share of the illegal immigration problem is inadvertent. Those who become illegal residents due to expired visas can’t really be blamed.” Carper suggested that “a program that would send text messages to those in the country on visas reminding them that their visas had or were about to expire would, in my opinion, greatly reduce the number of offenders.”
Carper said he got the idea from a similar program run by the Mexican government that texts expectant mothers reminding them of the estimated number of days they have left to cross the US border so their babies can be born US citizens.
Lies about Benghazi Attack Warranted
Now that it is clear that the Obama Administration’s story about the Benghazi attack has been a total fabrication, “Plan B” has been launched. Press Secretary Jay Carney pilot tested the new talking points late Friday.
“Let’s for purposes of argument say that the initial story about a riot over a video was incorrect,” Carney offered. “That doesn’t necessarily mean that issuing the story wasn’t the right course of action. Suppose we move our point of reference from the acknowledged tragedy of the deaths of four Americans to the bigger picture. What happened to these people is not as important as what could’ve happened had we not controlled the narrative.”
“The loss of one Ambassador, bad as this might seem at first glance, pales in comparison to the overthrow of an entire Administration,” Carney maintained. “Is there any doubt that enemies of the President would have used a publicly admitted failure to provide adequate protection or to rescue them afterward for the purposes of persuading voters to oust him from office? Isn’t protecting the head of state worth the sacrifice of a few of those sworn to serve him? Wouldn’t a chess master sacrifice a pawn to save a king?”
“Ambassador Stephens was a true believer in what President Obama is trying to achieve,” Carney went on. “I don’t think there is any question that were he to have been given a choice he would’ve acquiesced in a false narrative regarding his own demise if the payoff was to protect the President from his detractors. We could argue that stirring up the issue at this late date only undermines the cause for which Stephens gave his life.”
Representative Elijah Cummings (D-Md), ranking Democratic member of the House Oversight Committee that is holding hearings on the Benghazi attack said he found Carney’s case “persuasive. Death is part of life. I’m confident that Ambassador Stephens realized that and would be appalled if he knew how his President’s enemies are trying to take political advantage of his death.”
On the other hand, fellow House Oversight Committee member Representative William Clay (D-Mo) blamed everything on “GOP-driven budget cuts. The way they starve the government I don’t see how we could protect anyone from attack. The way I see it, every dollar withheld from government puts another life at risk.”
Dems Weigh in on Senator Cruz
Though only a Senator for a short time, Ted Cruz (R-Tex) has made a big impression on some influential Democrats.
James Carville, long time consultant to the Clintons, called Cruz “the most talented and fearless Republican I’ve seen in the last 30 years. If we don’t take him down a notch pretty soon we’ll be in big trouble down the road.”
Former New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson said he rued “the possibility that some may mistakenly view him as Hispanic. He may have the skin tone, but he definitely doesn’t have Hispanic attitudes. He would close our borders to the tens of million Hispanics who want to come here. He puts saving taxpayers’ money ahead of achieving social justice. I assure you, he is not one of us.”
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev), who has already locked horns with Cruz on several issues, characterized Cruz as “unacceptably uppity. To get along in the Senate you’ve got to kiss the right butts. It was how I rose to the top. I’m not going to let Cruz opt out of this long-standing tradition. He’ll go nowhere as long as I’m running the show.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News
Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and do not change the context. Thank you.
East Valley Tea Party Guest Speakers to Address Controversial Common Core Education Tomorrow
Attention parents and teachers: Here is an excellent opportunity for you to learn about this very controversial new K-12 program that is more about “control” than about education. An Evening with Speakers Jennifer Reynolds and Wes Harris, Experts on Common Core Education
Saturday, May 11, 2013, 7 p.m.
Clearview Cultural Center, 1355 S. Clearview, Mesa (N of US-60; E of Power Rd.; NE corner Hampton & Clearview)
Jennifer Reynolds, creator of Arizonans Against Common Core, speaks all across Arizona, educating communities and parents about the serious problems with Common Core. She also leads the Alliance for Sustainable Freedom. Her presentation is titled “Common Core Standards- Rotten to the Core!”
Ms. Reynolds will be joined by Wes Harris. Mr. Harris is the founder of the original North Phoenix Tea Party, a former CFO of a Fortune 50 Corporation, and a member of the Goldwater Institute. He has initiated a Petition of Redress of Grievances, Common Core. This event is being organized by Leah Martineau. Please email her at leah5299@hotmail.com for more details.
Giffords Raises $11 Million for Gun Control
Gabrielle Giffords and Mark Kelly’s organization Americans for Responsible Solutions (ARS) raised $11 million for gun control efforts over the past four months.
ARS says the money was raised from 53,000 different donors. What hasn’t been explained is whether the bulk of the money came from major donors like New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg and other infamous anti-gun advocates.
To date, ARS has used some of the money to run ads against Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) and Senator Kelly Ayotte (R-NH), both of whom voted against gun control in the Senate on April 17. ARS also run “thank you ads” for Sens. John McCain (R-AZ), Mary Landrieu (D-LA), Susan Collins (R-ME), and Kay Hagan (D-NC), all of whom voted for gun control.
ARS has retained the bulk of the funds it has gathered to help counter the NRA when gun control comes up for another vote.
ARS membership is 336,000. NRA membership is 5,000,000.
–AWR Hawkins, Breitbart.com
Romney Scrapped This ’3 AM’ Benghazi Ad During 2012 Campaign
According to Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus, this campaign commercial on the Benghazi scandal was ready to go last year, but Mitt Romney squelched it because he wanted to focus on the economy. A colossal mistake by Romney!
Rep. Gosar: Obama Administration’s ‘Rotten Political Spin’ on Benghazi
Congressman Paul Gosar issued this statement after participating in yesterday’s hearing on the Obama Administration’s Benghazi scandal:
“If we do not hold the Obama Administration accountable for their egregious failures, Benghazi will happen again. Today’s hearing demands further investigation into this attack; as new information shattered the Obama Administration’s lies surrounding Benghazi.”
“Today, the State Department’s Mr. Hicks told me directly that the administration’s statements and misrepresentations hurt U.S. credibility in Libya and shamed the government we are trying to support.”
Rep. Gosar continued, “I will not stop until we are confident we know all we can to prevent future tragic events similar to Benghazi and the rotten political spin that followed.”
