Author Archives: America Today

Christian Refugees to Be Deported

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThe Obama Administration has decided that Christian refugees from areas occupied by the Islamic State will be deported back to the war zone. Meanwhile, tens of thousands of Muslims fleeing the region will be given transportation to America and allowed to stay.

While not denying that these Christians are likely to face great peril, US Secretary of State John Kerry justified the policy, calling it “consistent with the President’s vision for the region. The religious composition of both the Middle East and the United States is unbalanced. In the Middle East Christians are in short supply, while in the United States they are over represented. Allowing more Christians into the US will only exacerbate this imbalance. On the other hand, Muslims are under represented in the US. So admitting more of them will work toward a more equitable distribution of members of this faith.”

It’s not as if these Christians are blameless,” Kerry pointed out. “They refused to join the anti-Assad movement on the purely selfish grounds that his secular dictatorship offered them some measure of protection against the Muslim majority. Such anti-democratic sentiments do not deserve our sympathy.”

Kerry called the persecution of Christians in Muslim lands “unfortunate,” but averred that “we mustn’t let our empathy for their suffering countermand our greater obligation to support majority rule. It it the majority’s right to establish whatever form of government it wants. If this is a ‘caliphate,’ so be it. If this means enforcement of sharia law that is their right. We have no authority to impose liberal values of tolerance and freedom on them.”

In related news, Kerry expressed his disappointment upon learning that this year’s Nobel Prize for Peace was awarded to a coalition of labor unions, businesses, lawyers and human rights activists for building a pluralistic democracy in Tunisia in the wake of the Jasmine Revolution of 2011. “I don’t want to totally discount their achievement, but the impacts are highly localized,” Kerry contended. “In contrast, the agreement I negotiated with Iran has a broader impact for peace in our time. In a just world I would have won this award.”

Obama to Use Executive Authority to Enact Gun Control

Administration insiders are hinting that President Obama has become impatient with Congressional inaction on gun control legislation in the wake of a rash of mass murder shootings and will bypass that body and enact new controls based on his own authority. The gist of his decree is said to require dealers who sell more than 50 guns a year to obtain a license from the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives and do extensive background checks on persons who want to purchase weapons from them.

Though he declined to specifically acknowledge the rumor, Press Secretary Josh Earnest attempted to make the case for executive action, saying that “it is clear to everyone with an ounce of humanity that something has got to be done. We can’t let slavish adherence to a 200-year-old Amendment block needed reform. If Congress won’t act than it seems morally imperative that the President step into the breach and disarm would-be murderers.”

Whether the Administration’s proposed action would be effective remains doubtful. In the recent killings in Oregon the shooter obtained his weapons after passing a background check, as did the shooters in most recent other high-profile massacres.

Earnest granted that “we may not be able to stop every lunatic, but if we can stop even one, that’s a gain for public safety.” The Press Secretary brushed aside approaches that would arm more law-abiding citizens as “a direction that is at odds with the President’s view of the world. The notion that arming the supposed ‘good guys’ is a civilized way to deter the supposed ‘bad guys’ is insane. We’re not living in a John Wayne movie. It’s not always easy to tell the ‘good guys’ from the ‘bad guys.’ And there is certainly no proof that the ‘good guys’ will shoot straighter than the ‘bad guys.’ Reducing the quantity of weapons out there is our best bet.”

Twenty-seven Democratic Senators surrounded by armed guards on the Capitol steps endorsed Obama’s usurpation of the legislative power. New York Sen. Charles Schumer called executive action “the only option we have left if we hope to overcome the gun lobby’s influence on Congress. The people of America demand action. It is incumbent on the President to take action irrespective of any Constitutional or legal impediments.”

In related news, President Obama rejected the request of the citizens of Rosenberg, Oregon—site of the murder of Christian students at Umpqua Community College last week—that he not use the tragedy for political grandstanding. Press Secretary Josh Earnest argued that “the wishes of a tiny minority of the aggrieved inhabitants of this rural backwater cannot supersede the prerogative of the world’s most powerful leader to exploit this opportunity to press for a more rational gun control policy.”

Candidates Call for More Regulation of Wall Street

In a bid to outflank her socialist rival contender for the Democratic presidential nomination, Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton called for more stringent government regulation of big businesses. Under her proposed policy, the federal government would order firms that were “too large and too risky to be managed effectively to reorganize, downsize, or break apart.”

That the federal government, which has not been managed effectively for many decades would possess the necessary expertise to assess the effectiveness of diverse business operations might seem dubious. Nevertheless, Clinton maintained that “the government has the right and the obligation to oversee how the nation’s collective wealth is managed. Stewardship over corporate assets is a privilege that can be revoked if it it misused or abused. Our government is a government of, by, and for the people. Any institution or organization within our society that does not serve the people, as determined by their elected officials, can be altered or abolished.”

Not to be outdone, Sanders characterized Clinton as a “faux socialist. She talks a good game on the campaign trail, but her record has been one of selling influence to the highest bidder. Why else would Wall Street be among the biggest donors to her candidacy and to her money-laundering Clinton Foundation? I will expropriate these corporate parasites and ensure that the government runs them for the benefit of all.”

Evidence from Clinton’s unsecured private email account would seem to bolster Sanders’ claim. As it turns out, Clinton’s Department of State subordinate Cheryl Mills appears to have illegally passed classified information to the Clinton Foundation in order to assist its fund-raising activities among foreign governments.

In related news, Clinton told a campaign audience that the jailing of Kentucky Clerk Kim Davis for refusing to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples was “absolutely the right thing. No one has the right to resist the lawful decisions of the government. Anyone who does should expect to be punished for such disobedience.”

Dems Demand Apology to Planned Parenthood

Reps. Chris Van Hollen (D-Md), Rosa DeLauro (D-Conn), and Louise Slaughter (D-NY) issued a letter demanding that House Republicans apologize to Planned Parenthood President Cecile Richards for their “shameful treatment of her during the committee’s hearing investigating the organization last week.”

The letter characterized the questioning of Ms. Richards “four hours of pure torture” and contended that “it is as clear a violation of the Constitution’s prohibition of cruel and unusual punishment that we have ever witnessed. The injustice of it all was egregious. Terminating pregnancies is not a crime. Selling recovered tissue is not a crime. Yet, Ms, Richards was grilled as if she were a common criminal.”

The letter also condemned the Center for Medical Progress videos that sparked the Congressional investigation as “a deceptive entrapment scheme. The representatives from this organization posed as legitimate tissue purchasers in order to lure Planned Parenthood personnel into making unguarded statements that many would interpret as callous and greedy. Such underhanded tactics merit our disgust and revulsion. We should not condone this kind of behavior. To reward it by conducting a witch hunt will only encourage more of it.”

Chairman of the Oversight Committee, Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-Utah) defended the hearings and said “the four hours of questioning Ms. Richards faced was mild in comparison with the dismemberment inflicted on the unborn at the hands of Planned Parenthood. I am far more disgusted by the murder of children and the selling of their bodies than I am that this heinous organization was caught on video admitting these atrocities. I will not apologize for shining a light on this holocaust.”

Discovery of Error Sparks Demand for Censorship

An Australian electrical engineer named Dr David Evans discovered a mathematical error in the model used to predict global warming that exaggerated the impact of carbon dioxide 10-fold. Basically, the effects of CO2 on climate are far lower than has been assumed.

While most reasonable people would find this reassuring, Philippe Sands QC, an international law specialist and Professor of Law at University College London, did not. Alleging that “the publicity given to Dr. Evans’ finding could seriously undermine efforts to mitigate climate change,” Sands argued for “the suppression of contradictory evidence and arguments that might thwart action.”

In theory, freedom of speech is a good thing,” Sands opined. “But when the fate of the planet is at stake it is a luxury humanity cannot afford.” Sands said he “would not be opposed to imprisoning climate change opponents under some circumstances.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Go Out and Protest Planned Parenthood Saturday, October 10

Defund planned parenthood protests in arizona

Saturday, October 10: 9-11 a.m.

Planned Parenthood is under investigation for potentially defrauding the taxpayers through improper billing and for illegally selling baby body parts. Planned Parenthood is being sued for not refusing to report adults who brought under-age girls for abortions after raping them, in multiple states — including Arizona. This organization must not receive another penny of your state or federal taxes.


Planned Parenthood Chandler Health Center
610 N Alma School Road, Chandler, AZ 85224 (Map)
Time: 9:00-11:00 a.m.
Sponsored by St. Mary’s Catholic Church
Contact the local leader at


Planned Parenthood Flagstaff Health Center
2500 S Woodlands Village Boulevard, Flagstaff, AZ, 86001 (Map)
Time: 9:00-11:00 a.m.
Contact the local leader at


Planned Parenthood Glendale Health Center
5771 W Eugie, Glendale, AZ 85304 (Map)
Time: 7:00 a.m to 1:00 p.m. on October 11
*NOTE: The Glendale protest will take place on Sunday, October 11
Contact the local leader at


Planned Parenthood Margaret Sanger Health Center
Protest will be held at Grant Road and Beverly Avenue, Tucson, AZ 85712 (Map)
Time: 9:00-10:00 a.m.
Sponsored by Tucson for Life
Contact the local leader at

Don’t be Fooled by Misleading Tax Claims

Dear Arizona Taxpayer:

Maricopa County Treasurer Hos Hoskins made headlines with the policy letter he included with recent property tax bills for Maricopa County residents.  (Note for those living outside of the “Great State of Maricopa”: this does apply to you, as well.)   Hoskins has re-opened an interesting policy debate about the extent to which property tax burdens have been shifted from business property taxpayers to residential property taxpayers (or vice-versa, depending on your point of view).  We have included some links below about that debate.

Setting aside the debate about the burden shift, Hoskins made a claim that is very counterproductive to the efforts of property taxpayers to fight for tax relief.   Multiple times in his letter, Hoskins made the following claim: “Voicing your opinion to anyone other than your legislators will change nothing.”

That claim is highly misleading.

Consider just a few examples from your property tax bill.  If you look closely, you will see several line-item levy amounts from several different local government taxing authorities: your K-12 school districts, your community college district, your city government, your county government, and multiple special taxing districts.  Each of those taxing districts have authority, completely independent of the state Legislature, to raise (or more rarely, lower) your property tax levy.

(Note: Always focus on the levy, which is the actual number of dollars you must pay, rather than the rate.  If local officials brag to you that they have lowered property tax rates, hold onto your wallet and ask them what is going to happen to your actual levy.)

Many Arizona school districts and municipalities have put budget override and bond measures on your November 3 ballot.  If passed by voters, those measures will increase your property tax bill.  Those measures were not placed on your ballot by the Arizona Legislature.  They are on your ballot, and driving up your tax bill, at the sole discretion of local elected officials.  Your school district board members are under no legal (or in our opinion, moral) obligation to try to push for an override.

For example, Phoenix Union school board members could have decided that spending $9,627 per student  (in current expenditures, not counting capital and other costs) is enough.  Even without the override, Phoenix Union will spend more than $9,000 per student – enough money to put two teachers in every classroom of 25 students and pay each of those teachers $75,000 per year.   Instead of trying to raise taxes via an override, the Phoenix Union board members could cut excess administration and other waste.  See our Phoenix Union flyer HERE, and contact us at if you want us to send you a flyer for your own school district.

We as citizens and taxpayers must hold the local officials in our cities, counties and school districts accountable for the dollars they choose to spend.  See AFP’s Local Government Scorecard to learn more about holding your local officials accountable.

Back to the interesting debate on the business-residential property tax levy shift…  For a defense of the shift and Proposition 117 (which passed in 2012), go here for the response of the Arizona Tax Research Association to the Hoskins letter.  Or go here for Senator Debbie Lesko’s response.

Boaz Witbeck

Arizona Policy Analyst

Americans for Prosperity

ACLU Sues Catholic Hospitals

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnCatholic hospitals’ refusal to perform birth control services that run counter to the Church’s beliefs came under fire from the American Civil Liberties Union this week as it launched a lawsuit aimed at compelling these institutions to comply with federal policy on this subject.

We’re taking a stand today to fight for pregnant women who are denied potentially life-saving care because doctors are forced to follow religious directives rather than best medical practices,” Brooke Tucker, an ACLU attorney, said. “That the Catholic Church considers abortion and sterilization intrinsically evil must not be allowed to grant them an exemption from abiding by rules laid down by the Affordable Care Act.”

Tucker dismissed First Amendment objections to the federal rules as “misguided. The First Amendment’s guarantee of religious freedom pertains to worship. The Catholic Church’s freedom to conduct religious activities is not at issue here. What is impermissible is for the Church to impose its beliefs in the field of medical services. A person seeking medical care has a right to all the benefits and procedures guaranteed by law. Every hospital must adhere to that law. If the Church cannot follow the law it should get out of the business of operating hospitals.”

In related news, claiming he is acting to implement the wishes of Pope Francis, Rep. Luis Gutiérrez (D-Ill) has introduced legislation that would guarantee Obamacare to all undocumented immigrants. “The Pope made it clear that it is our moral obligation to ensure that everyone, no matter where they were born, has a right to medical care,” the Congressman declared. In contrast, Gutierrez denied that his support of women’s abortion rights conflicted with the Pope’s position against this practice saying that, “if there is a conflict between the rights of a woman and the rights of the unborn, the woman’s rights take precedence.”

Kerry, Power Join Muslim Boycott of Netanyahu’s UN Speech

U.S. Secretary of State Kerry and the U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations Samantha Power joined representatives of Muslim nations who walked out on Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s speech. In his speech Netanyahu chastised the UN for its continued silence in the face of Iran’s repeated threat to wipe Israel off the map.

The Secretary characterized his actions as “simple common sense once you look at the numbers. Israel itself has about six million Jews. Worldwide there are maybe another six million. On the other hand, there are over a billion Muslims. Siding with the larger contingent is both the more prudent and democratic option.”

Ambassador Power seconded Kerry’s remarks and added “while it is understandable that the Israeli Prime Minister would get worked up over the prospect of his country being wiped off the map, from a broader perspective it is not such a big issue. Israel was wiped off the map by the Romans nearly 2,000 years ago and the rest of the world got along without it until 1948. So, in that sense, the world obviously doesn’t need to fret over whether the region is called Israel, Palestine, or something else.”

Iran’s Permanent Representative to the UN, Gholamali Khoshroo, praised Ambassador Power’s “incisive depiction of both the current and historical realities” and ventured that “it is a good harbinger of the benefits to be achieved through the continued cooperation between our two nations.”

Consensus for War with Russia Building

Russian intervention against opponents of the Assad government in Syria appears to have sparked a rising tide of bipartisan support for US countermeasures. Initially, Republican presidential candidate Carly Fiorina called for the US to resist the Russian initiative by force if necessary.

Determined not to be outflanked, Democratic presidential contender, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton echoed Fiorina by urging President Obama to establish a “no fly zone” over the rebel positions in order “to protect our investment in the anti-Assad rebels.”

Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) reminded everyone that “I’m the only one who has met with these rebels. Though by our standards they may not be good people, they are fighting for freedom as they see it.” McCain argued for “a subtler approach. Rather than an overt ‘no fly zone’ why don’t we just arm the rebels with Stinger missiles they could use to shoot down the Russian jets that are bombing them?”

In Congress, Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-Calif), the projected favorite to succeed Rep. John Boehner (R-Ohio) as Speaker of the House, endorsed the idea that “we’ve got to do something to counter the Russian intervention. For us to sit by idly while the President’s carefully crafted Middle East policy is disrupted will do incalculable damage to our nation’s credibility as the world’s leading superpower.”

Thus far, the only high-profile objection to going to war with Russia has come from GOP presidential contender Donald Trump who has suggested that “the Russians bombing the Islamic barbarians doesn’t seem so bad. To me, Putin seems the lesser evil. I can’t see fighting him to save fanatics who would behead you if they could.”

In related news, Jürgen Todenhöfer, a German journalist who spent 10 days living behind ISIS lines in Syria, reports that “the terrorists are eager to carry out the largest religious cleansing operation in human history. If they get their hands on nuclear weapons they will have no hesitation in using them to unleash a nuclear tsunami against the West. This is no ‘JV’ team. They are dangerous and determined.”

NYC Honors Rosenburgs

The New York City Council took the occasion of the 100th anniversary of the birth of Ethel Rosenburg to honor her and her husband Julius for demonstrating “great bravery.” The Rosenburgs were executed for treason in 1953 after they were convicted of passing atom bomb secrets to the Soviet Union.

Councilman Daniel Dromm (D-Queens) averred that “it took a lot of courage for the Rosenburgs to buck the anti-communist hysteria that was sweeping the nation during the post war period. From a parochial perspective, sharing the atom bomb appears traitorous. But from a more ecumenical standpoint it can be seen as an effort to establish a balance of power between reactionary and progressive forces.”

An American monopoly in nuclear weapons would have allowed the promulgation of reactionary social policies around the world to go unchecked,” Dromm maintained. “By assisting Stalin to obtain equivalent weapons the Rosenburgs helped to counter this US dominance. And as we can see today, history has vindicated their action. It’s time that their sacrifice gains a measure of well-deserved recognition.”

Planned Parenthood Denies Possibility of Abortion Survivors

Planned Parenthood’s chief executive officer Cecile Richards told Congressional investigators that she had never heard of such a thing as an “abortion survivor,” calling the concept “totally nonsensical.”

When a woman comes to us to terminate her pregnancy it would be a gross dereliction of duty if we were to permit a fetus to survive the procedure,” she said. “We take every conceivable precaution to ensure that this doesn’t happen.”

One precaution that Richards touted as fool proof was the harvesting of organs from the fetus. “Once the fetus has been dismembered and the organs extracted there is no chance of survival,” Richards pointed out. “So, in this regard, I think the videos made by the Center for Medical Progress would tend to confirm what I’m saying.”

The existence of apparent abortion survivors like Gianna Jessen didn’t faze Richards as she observed that “Ms. Jessen’s mother was not a patient at one of our facilities. I would argue that if the abortion were performed properly, as it would have been at Planned Parenthood, Gianna wouldn’t be going around today trying to undo the hard-won rights of women in America.”

Richards also argued that “we wouldn’t be earning over $400 million a year from abortions if we didn’t do a quality job. And an outcome in which the fetus isn’t terminated is not a quality job, in my opinion.”

U.S. to Close Last Uranium Plant

The Obama Administration has ordered the last remaining uranium processing facility in the United States to be closed. The final day of operations for the American Centrifuge project in Piketon, Ohio was September 30th.

Rep. Brad Wenstrup (R-Ohio) was aghast. “This is beyond belief,” he asserted. “While this administration is green-lighting uranium enrichment in Iran and legitimizing 6,000 Iranian centrifuges, they’re shutting down our only domestic production facility here in America.”

Secretary of State John Kerry belittled Wenstrup’s concern. “There are uranium processing facilities in Russia, France, the United Kingdom, Germany, and Holland,” Kerry said. “If we need any we could always buy it from one of these other sites.”

What the Congressman is overlooking is mollifying effect this closure will have on Iran and the world,” the Secretary added. “The urge of others to get into the nuclear arms racket has got to be dampened by our example. If we are winding down our program others may feel less threatened and may similarly turn away from such weapons.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.


Dana Loesch on ‘Criminal Protection Areas’

TheBlaze TV host Dana Loesch sounded off over President Barack Obama’s response to the Oregon college shooting on Thursday, blasting gun-free zones as “criminal protection areas.”

Loesch spoke with Fox News’ Megyn Kelly just hours after Obama delivered a statement from the White House calling for stricter gun control measures in the wake of the mass shooting at Umpqua Community College in Roseburg, Oregon, that left 10 people dead and seven more injured.

“Gun-free zones are criminal protection areas and that’s what we usually see. It’s all right there. You can’t refute numbers. You cannot refute the statistics,” Loesch said in response to the president’s remarks.

After the shooting, Obama told reporters that states with the most gun laws tend to see less gun violence, while states with fewer gun laws usually see more gun violence. The president also called for the U.S. to adopt similar gun laws as Australia and the United Kingdom — ”countries like ours.”

However, Loesch pointed out, Australia banned and even confiscated some guns after the Port Arthur shooting massacre in 1996 left 35 people dead, according to the Federalist. And in the United Kingdom, Loesch said there are still beheadings – and shootings – that take in the European country, despite its strict gun laws.

Obama in Error on Guns … again

By Alan Korwin, Author
Gun Laws of America

The president’s impassioned Oregon speech, moving as it was, missed a key point that could lead to real progress on this terrible issue of mass murder.

The 16 black Americans shot and murdered in ghettos that same day, and the day before, tragically got no news coverage.

This is stunning, unmentioned — and those lives matter.

That black-lives gunfire atrocity is repeated, daily. And will remain true tomorrow when another 16 are murdered, but get no “coverage” — 6,000 per year.

The “Graph of Death” Mr. Obama asked for is already available here:
(with gut-wrenching explanation)

ChicagoShootingsChicago murders by area, 2008

By focusing on an isolated “newsworthy” tragedy in one place, Mr. Obama unknowingly obscures the real issue, and does indeed politicize it — as he forthrightly admitted.

NOTE: Every action of this Oregon murderer is already 100 percent illegal — legal scholars know the call for new laws is superfluous and disingenuous. It is a political agenda that weakens support and the true effort to solve the problem.

The president made a repeated and critical mistake: new laws affecting all Americans will not affect the lone psychotics who commit these atrocities.

The medical community stands as the greatest obstacle in getting to the psychotics.

And the biggest ignored issue of all is: The existing background checks have stopped two million people from buying guns because they are known criminals or mentally unfit — and they are simply turned loose on the streets.

We have their names and addresses — and our government just sets them free, right after they try to buy guns.*

Mr. President, do something about that if you’re really serious.



  • Want to control as much of your life as they possibly can
  • Want to take away your freedom
  • Want to regulate your speech
  • Accept blood money from Planned Parenthood to get elected
  • Take your money and give it to Planned Parenthood
  • Say your child belong to the state
  • Want to keep your children in failing schools
  • Want to indoctrinate your children in secular humanism and encourage them to abandon your faith
  • Punish you for your beliefs and thoughts
  • Allow religious liberty for everyone but Christians
  • Raise your taxes
  • View all money as theirs to keep or to allow you to have some
  • Punish successful businesses
  • Tax your church
  • Remove accreditation from Christian colleges
  • Take away your right to defend yourself — leaving you defenseless against criminals
  • Release more prisoners from jail
  • Want Planned Parenthood to avoid punishment for allowing child rapists to go unreported
  • Want to re-write the Constitution so they can make up new “rights”
  • Want to weaken our national defense
  • Want to open the borders for drug smugglers and new Democratic voters
  • Ignore the rule of law
  • Are creating chaos so you will give up your liberty to have order
  • Are destroying America’s culture
  • Are practicing situational ethics to justify unethical behavior
  • Confiscate your money and give it to the poor, then taking credit for “helping the poor”
  • Are making you pay for the abortion slaughter of 1.2 million Americans each year
  • Are making you pay for other people’s health insurance
  • Made you pay for free golf carts for others
  • Want you to pay for other people’s college education
  • Are giving your tax dollars to America’s enemies
  • Control the media
  • Steal elections and disenfranchise you
  • Encourage activist judges to over-rule your vote
  • Are dictating your vocabulary
  • Are demonizing and marginalizing anyone who does not agree with them
  • Despise the Declaration of Independence and the U.S. Constitution
  • Are fiscally reckless and irresponsible, weakening the economy
  • Jeopardizing your social security
  • Are controlling the law schools and training godless generations of lawyers to carry out their policies
  • Are championing moral depravity
  • Are poisoning people against law enforcement
  • Are socialists

Boehner Resignation Unleashes Cascade of Caterwauling

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnHouse Speaker John Boehner’s (R-Ohio) announcement that he is resigning from Congress effective October 30th was followed by a torrent of tears in Washington. Leading the sob fest, of course, was Boehner himself who lamented that “the blood, sweat, and tears I’ve shed for this country have gone unappreciated for too long.”

As if to contradict Boehner’s lament, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) praised “Boehner’s cooperative approach to getting things done,” and expressed the hope that “a similarly motivated and compliant successor can be found.”

A glum Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest called the resignation “a serious setback for the President’s agenda. Though President Obama had his differences with the Speaker both shared a respect for the importance of governance, of keeping the doors open and the funds flowing to the nation’s multitude of clients.”

President Obama himself was a little less pessimistic, saying that “Boehner will still hold the Speaker’s gavel for another five weeks. He has been our ‘ace-in-the-hole’ for more than four years. Now that he has nothing to fear from the Tea Party wing of his party there’s an opportunity to enact some of the reforms that these right-wing extremists have been blackmailing him to oppose.”

One of the reforms Obama said he hopes can be enacted before October 30th is “for Congress to delegate appropriation authority to the Executive branch. While I have been able to use executive orders to achieve some of the goals we all share, the threat still remains that this good work can be impeded by Congressional refusal to appropriate the necessary money. If the power to appropriate funds were delegated to the president the enlightened vision of the nation’s true ruler couldn’t be blocked by Congressional squabbling.”

Boehner promised “to do my best to live up to the president’s confidence in me,” but also pointed out that “a delegation of appropriation authority to the Executive branch would require the consent of the Senate. I can certainly work out a deal with Nancy in the House, but I can’t speak for the other chamber.”

It is rumored that Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ken) is working on a bill modeled after the Corker-Cardin legislation that proved instrumental in aiding the success of the president’s Iran deal. Under McConnell’s bill Congress would be given 30 days to reject any appropriation made by the president and if the president vetoed a Congressional act rejecting an appropriation, Congress could override the veto with a two-thirds majority.

US Has Plenty of Room for Muslim Refugees, Says Albright

Former Clinton Administration Secretary of State Madeleine Albright says the United States has plenty of vacant space that could be productively allocated to refugees from the Middle East.

Even the most casual glance at the vast swaths of unoccupied space inside this country shows that we have no valid excuse for denying entry to those displaced by unrest in their native countries,” Albright declared. “Take the wide-open lands of the state of Nevada as an example. Here is a climate that approximates that of the nations the refugees are fleeing. Why not set aside this state as a sort of reservation for Muslim immigrants?”

Albright urged citizens to demand that “Congress adopt this or some other set aside location. The refugee crisis will only get worse if we don’t provide a secure refuge for these people. Once ensconced in some of America’s vacant space they could replicate their culture, elect their own people to Congress, and help reaffirm America’s commitment to succor and diversity.”

Free Stuff” Gaffe Said to Doom Bush’s Candidacy

Republican presidential candidate former Florida Governor Jeb Bush faced a firestorm of criticism from the welfare lobby for asserting that his message of opportunity would win more Black votes than Democrats’ promises of more “free stuff.”

Democratic presidential race front runner former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton gloated over what she maintained “effectively ends his run for the nation’s top job. Bush’s pledge to preserve people’s opportunity to work their way up the ladder offers them nothing they couldn’t get on their own. What we offer is something in addition to what people can earn for themselves. Democrats are the Party that guarantees that the government will take care of everyone. Republicans are the Party that would force everyone get a job and support themselves.”

Not to be outdone by his presidential rival, Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders promised to “carve up the capitalist turkey and dish out shares to everyone. Why should the masses restrain themselves from expropriating the bourgeoisie? We have the numbers and, therefore, the power to vote for the redistribution of the nation’s wealth. We have only ourselves to blame if we fail to exercise that power.”

Sanders sought to distinguish himself from his “intellectual mentor” Vladimir Lenin by eschewing the prescribed “liquidation” of the capitalist class. “I am a peaceful man,” Sanders proclaimed. “Stripped of their property, the capitalist oppressors would be powerless. My more humane approach would allow them to take their place at the back of the line and receive their fair share of the redistributed wealth.”

Afghan Sex Slaves “Internal Matter,” Says Administration

Reports that US military personnel in Afghanistan have been ordered to ignore Afghan troops’ “bachi bazi”—the ritual kidnapping, imprisonment and rape of child sex slaves was defended by the Obama Administration as “a necessary compromise in the war on terror.”

The practice of holding and abusing under-aged boys as sex slaves is an ancient tradition in Afghanistan,” US Secretary of Defense Ashton Carter observed. “It is not our place to interfere.”

The Secretary drew a parallel with this country’s alliance with the Soviet Union during World War II. “The Soviet Union was an oppressive tyranny run by a paranoid psychopath,” Carter recounted. “Millions were sent to the gulag for trivial or non-existent offenses. Thousands were executed for imaginary crimes. By any measure, this was far worse than the rape of a few hundred little boys by our Afghan allies.”

Abiding Stalin’s lesser evil in order to gain his nation’s help in fighting Hitler’s greater evil was a necessary strategic decision,” Carter contended. “Likewise, abiding the peculiar cultural practices of our Afghan allies in the war against the Taliban terrorists is a price we must be willing to pay. The squeamishness of our troops cannot be permitted to interfere with our broader strategic objectives in the region.”

Carter justified the dismissal of Sgt. Charles Martland from the Army for his actions calling attention to the child rapes. “Our troops in the region have their orders,” Carter said. “By raising an unapproved alarm over the Afghan Army’s behavior, Sgt Martland disobeyed those orders. Discipline is a fundamental component of military cohesion. Just as US troops were ordered to ignore Soviet troops’ rape of German women in the closing days of WWII, Martland was ordered to ignore the Afghan troops’ rapes. Discharging him was our only option.”

Rep. Duncan Hunter (R-Calif) labeled this “strategic compromise ‘pathetic.’ We shouldn’t be repeating history’s past mistakes. Making the world safe for pedophiles is not a cause worthy of one drop of an American soldier’s blood. We should either stand for human freedom or withdraw from this fight.”

In related news, Carter denounced Russia’s intervention in Syria saying that “sending troops to battle ISIL in the region conflicts with President Obama’s more nuanced approach. Russia’s decision to just kill the Islamic State fighters contradicts the President’s efforts to assist these forces to help overthrow the Assad dictatorship.”

School District Bans “Tag”

The Mercer Island School District in the State of Washington has barred students from playing the game of “tag” on school grounds or within eyesight of school personnel. Communications director Macy Grade described the ban as “an essential step to ensure the physical and emotional safety of all students.”

In the game of “tag,” one child is designated as “it” until he or she can tag/touch another child and pass along the “it” status. Grade characterized the game as “potentially devastating to children’s self-esteem. First of all, the person who is ‘it’ is isolated and stigmatized. Second, all the other participants are traumatized by the risk of becoming ‘it’ unless they can successfully flee. Third, the chasing and fleeing exposes the children to potential injuries from falls or collisions.”

The decree banning the game followed the school districts unsuccessful attempt to revise the rules. Grade explained, “instead of one child being singled out as ‘it’ we tried to encourage the children to play a game of ‘us’ in which every participant is designated as ‘special’ so no one has to chase or flee. But the new game didn’t catch on. The children called it ‘boring’ and continued to engage in the dangerous, traditional version of the game.”

The district also sent a letter home with each student asking parents to help police the ban during non-school hours. “We can’t afford to let our best efforts to eradicate this scourge of childhood be undermined by the unsupervised play of youngsters when they are not on school grounds,” Grade said. “It is important that parents be on board and help prevent the harm this activity can wreak.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.



Arizona’s Women Have Real Choices and Don’t Need Planned Parenthood


Scientists Urge President to Prosecute Global Warming Skeptics

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnA gaggle of university climatologists have written to President Obama and Attorney General Loretta Lynch urging them to prosecute people who continue to contradict the “scientific consensus” on climate change. Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse (D-RI) immediately endorsed the idea as “essential to our survival as a planet.”

The freedom of people able to contradict the accepted science impedes the government from taking the steps necessary to combat dangerous climate change,” Whitehouse contended. Paraphrasing a famous observation made by Supreme Court Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes for justifying suppression of free speech, the senator averred that “allowing a person to deny the truth of global warming is like allowing a person to deny there’s a fire in a crowded theater. When lives are at stake freedom must be curtailed for the common good.”

The authority Whitehouse cited for justifying the prosecution of skeptics is the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations (RICO) Act. This Act was passed in 1970 in order to give the government another tool in its war against organized crime.

Whitehouse insisted that “even though climate deniers aren’t gunning people down like mobsters do, the death toll from runaway climate change is likely to be far higher and more gruesome. In effect, those whose words are used to delay necessary government action are, in effect, enablers of mass murder and deserve to be treated as such. Hopefully, putting a few of the most ardent deniers behind bars will serve to silence others.”

Pelosi Says She Abhors Abortion

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) maintains that she abhors abortion and defended federal funding for Planned Parenthood as “the surest path toward reducing its frequency in the future.”

Each birth raises the population total,” Pelosi said. “The more babies that are aborted today, the fewer we will have to abort in the future. By holding down the population now, we avert the burden of having to fund even more abortions in the next generation.”

The Congresswoman contrasted “my long view with the short-sightedness of today’s knee-jerk opponents of sensible population control. I mean, isn’t it obvious that a future population of 600,000,000 would force us to abort twice as many babies as our current 300,000,000 population? Who’s the greater humanitarian—the person who saves one life today or the more farsighted person who sacrifices one life today in order to save two in the next generation?”

In related news, a bill to grant protection to babies that survive abortions was not passed unanimously. H.R.3504, titled the “Born-Alive Abortion Survivors Protection Act” was passed by the U.S. House of Representatives by a party line 248-177 vote. Rep. Judy Chu (D-Calif) voted against the bill saying that “it puts the interests of fetuses ahead of the interests of women. Why should the ability of a fetus to live be permitted to cancel out the wish of a woman who undergoes the procedure for the express purpose of preventing this life?”

Ex-Gov Gets Lifetime Pension for Four Months of Work

Former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey (D) was awarded a lifetime pension after only four months on the job as an attorney for Hudson County. County spokesman James Kennelly sought to abate outrage from taxpayers and other county employees who must put in years of work to qualify for much smaller pensions.

Governor McGreevey brought a unique experience — an intense commitment to the job,” Kennelly argued. “His four months on the job is worth far more than decades put in by any other county employee. So, I don’t think there are any grounds for complaints.”

Although he was unable to point to any specific accomplishment of McGreevey’s brief tenure as a county attorney, Kennelly insisted that “the intangibles of his inspirational role cannot be adequately measured nor appreciated by the average person. Frankly, in my opinion, no amount of money could be sufficient to compensate him for what he’s done.”

McConnell Rejects House Plea for Majority Rule on Iran Deal

A plea from 57 House Republicans to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) to allow the Senate majority to vote on the Iran treaty fell on deaf ears. At issue is McConnell’s refusal to bypass the filibuster of the Senate minority that is blocking a vote on the measure.

Rep. Lamar Smith (R-Texas), spokesman for the 57 GOP House members, emphasized that “voting on a matter as consequential as the Iran deal should take precedence over the preservation of a mere Senate rule.”

Although the Senate rule authorizing filibusters has no Constitutional or statutory basis, McConnell firmly rejected Smith’s arguments. “The United States Senate is the world’s greatest deliberative body,” McConnell claimed. “It didn’t get that way by simply yielding to majority sentiment. Preserving this historic role is more important than what happens on this one issue.”

It’s not as if this “historic role” hasn’t undergone occasional modifications. The threshold for shutting down a filibuster used to be two-thirds. Segregationists used the two-thirds rule to block numerous civil rights laws over many decades. In 1975, the ratio of votes required to end a filibuster was reduced to three-fifths. During former Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid’s tenure the ratio was reduced to a simple majority on one occasion.

McConnell was also unfazed by polls showing more than a two-thirds majority of Americans opposed to the Iran deal, saying that “the views held by voters cannot be expected to carry as much weight as the views of members of the Senate. Just doing what the majority wants is tantamount to mob rule. I will not acquiesce to such a desecration of the principles upon which our government operates.”

Smith was unimpressed by McConnell’s arguments and pointed out that “under our Constitution treaties are supposed to be affirmatively endorsed by two-thirds of the Senate. The Iran deal inverts that requirement. Shouldn’t Senator McConnell and all members of Congress, for that matter, put this Constitutional requirement ahead of the made-up procedures of the Senate no matter how hoary they may be?”

In related news, the Obama Administration declined to disclose the estimated number of Americans killed by Iran and its terror proxies since, according to Secretary of State John Kerry, “the only purpose this would serve is to potentially derail implementation of the deal we worked so hard to obtain. Rather than stir up points of disagreement, it’s better to let bygones be bygones.”

White House Justifies Inviting Critics of Catholic Doctrine to Meet Pope

In what some are characterizing as a breach of diplomacy, President Obama has invited several prominent critics of Catholic doctrine to his meeting with Pope Francis. Among these controversial invitees are a pro-abortion nun, a transgender woman, a homosexual Episcopal bishop, and two Catholic homosexual activists. The intent of this affront says Press Secretary Josh Earnest “is to make the point that religious doctrine, just like Constitutional law, must evolve to meet evolving social customs and beliefs. High profile leaders like Pope Francis cannot afford to resist these trends if the Church hopes to stay relevant in the 21st century.”

Obama Calls GOP Obstructionism America’s Biggest Threat

In a speech before the Business Roundtable President Obama urged corporate leaders to lobby the Republican Congress and ask their representatives to support increased budgetary authority. “Republican propaganda would cast Chinese hackers, Russian military adventures, or Islamic terror as the gravest threats to our way of life,” the president said. “Don’t fall for it. Nothing is as great a threat as the possibility that the omnibus budget won’t be approved in time to avert a government shutdown.”

While not totally dismissing these other dangers, Obama told the business leaders that “these are more distant and dissipated sources of trouble. Even if our computer security is compromised how big of a hit to your bottom line would this entail? Would a reestablished Soviet Union really be a negative outcome for your profitability? Would terrorists running amok massacring soldiers or bombing buildings really hurt your stock prices? I think upon reflection we’d all have to agree that each of these potential events would increase the need for government spending and would lead to more contracts and more income for well-positioned firms. On the other hand, a government shutdown would turn off the spigot of cash flowing from us to you.”

The president acknowledged that “it is unlikely that the anti-American right-wingers will prevail over our friends on the Republican side of the aisle,” but still advised businessmen “to not take it for granted and continue to apply pressure on wavering senators and representatives.”

Obama Blames Hillary for Syria Fiasco

The revelation that the millions the U.S. spent to train anti-Assad rebels in Syria has netted a total of five trained fighters has sparked criticism from even the most reliable of apologists for his regime: the New York Times. “By any reasonable standard, this is a pathetic return on our investment,” the Times editorialized.

The Obama Administration, however, refused to accept responsibility. U.S. Press Secretary Josh Earnest strove to deflect blame by pointing out that “the president’s preference has always been to kill our country’s enemies via drone strikes. The decision to try to train local Syrian rebels was taken in adherence to the advice of then Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. If anyone is at fault for the lack of substantive results from this training it has to be her.”

However, Hillary-for-President campaign manager Robby Mook rejected the Administration’s assessment of responsibility, saying that “it’s the president who is final decider on every policy of his Administration. Secretary Clinton merely advised him to opt for training the Syrians. It is the president who bears the ultimate responsibility for taking her advice. He can’t just shrug this off as someone else’s fault.”

Bush Stood on Tiptoes to “Level the Playing Field”

Videos showing the 6-foot, three-inch tall GOP presidential candidate Jeb Bush oddly standing on tiptoes for the group photo prior to Wednesday night’s debate has stimulated some ridicule of the candidate. This ridicule has prompted Bush campaign manager David Kochel to defend his man by claiming that “it was an effort to level the playing field. Carly Fiorina gets to boost her height by wearing high heels. Why shouldn’t Jeb try to offset her unfair advantage by similarly elevating himself?”

Muslim Migrants Demand End to Oktoberfest

Muslim immigrants living in Germany are petitioning the government for a ban on the annual Oktoberfest. The 16-day festival held in Bavaria is viewed as anti-Muslim since one of its main activities is drinking beer. “We’re not against the Christians drinking alcohol in private,” petitioner Iham Faakhir. “But these public displays are an insult to our faith.”

Faakhir portrayed his petition as “an act of restraint. For now we are abiding by the western political practice of peacefully asserting our demand. But the kafirs should not try our patience. Sharia law gives us the right to impose morality by force if necessary.”

The German government is reportedly considering whether discontinuing Oktoberfest might be necessary in order to preserve the peace. German Minister of the Interior Gerhard Erzfeigling wondered “whether trying to maintain German traditions is worth the bloodshed that is apt to occur if we do not accommodate the sensitivities of the Muslim minority.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.