Category Archives: John Semmens

A Vote for Hillary Is a Vote to Preserve Obamacare

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnSeeking to build on the momentum of last week’s Supreme Court decision upholding the Obama Administration’s executive “tweaking” of the Affordable Care Act (ACA), presidential candidate Hillary Clinton sought to reassure voters that they could count on her to preserve this law.

Clinton warned that “if the country elects a Republican as president this important advance toward universal health care could well be reversed.” She further urged voters to “ignore the siren song of individual choice that so many in the GOP are singing. Individual choice allows the ill-informed to neglect to obtain the type of coverage that experts all agree is necessary.”

The candidate contrasted the GOP’s vision of “each person doing whatever he thinks best for himself and his family” with Democrats’ “more socially responsible approach of everyone doing what society has determined is best for the collective whole. What’s good for the health of one individual may not be good for the health of the people. Stark as it may seem, sometimes the interest of the individual must be sacrificed for society’s benefit. That’s why we have to trust experts to perform the triage necessary to ensure that society’s interest is placed ahead of individual selfishness.”

As currently structured, the ACA shifts the burden toward making the young and healthy subsidize the older and less healthy. These subsidies will encourage the recipients to increase their demand for services and put further financial pressure on the system. Clinton promised to address this problem by incorporating a “value of remaining life” metric into the expert-guided triage process. “If an individual’s ‘value of remaining life’ is less than the amount required to preserve that life, the best interest of society will be allowed to prevail,” she said. “The health care system will ensure that dignified and painless exit options are provided for those whose continued presence is an unsustainable cost to society.”

In related news, the IRS has warned small employers that they will be fined up to $36,500 per employee, per year if they give these employees any aid in paying the high premiums or deductibles of their individual Obamacare policies. “Under the rules we have established, these employers must pay all or none of their employees’ health insurance costs,” said Secretary Sylvia Burwell. “We can’t let each individual or business make up some hybrid plan of their own.”

Oregon Cancels Free Speech Rights of Christian Bakers

Oregon Labor Commissioner Brad Avakian finalized his order requiring Aaron and Melissa Klein, bakers who refused to make a cake for a same-sex wedding, to pay $135,000 in emotional damages to the couple they denied service. When the Kleins attempted to defend their religious objections in a radio interview, Avakian issued a “gag order” forbidding them from speaking publicly on the topic.

Avakian dismissed the “freedom of speech” claim, insisting that “Oregon’s statute outlaws refusals to serve customers based on their sexual orientation. For them to try to continue the argument after I have already ruled against them shows contempt for the process. On top of that, their assertion that same-sex marriage violates God’s laws is hate speech. No one can prove there is a God, much less know what such an entity’s ‘laws’ might be.”

Neither did Avakian accept the contention that $135,000 might be an excessive penalty given that the couple’s desired cake could have easily been baked by any number of other willing bakeries. “Under Oregon’s law, any consumer has an absolute right to be served by the vendor of his or her choice,” he pointed out. “No customer should have to endure even the slightest inconvenience. It does not matter that there were dozens, maybe hundreds of competing bakers who could have fulfilled that order. Sure, $135,000 is far in excess of any actual damages, but by making an example of the Kleins we are warning others to not make the same mistake.”

To the Kleins’ complaint that the fine and gag order shows that “in Oregon we neither have freedom of religion or freedom of speech,” Avakian replied that “loss of civil rights is a penalty lawbreakers must expect to suffer.”

Obama Rebuffs Objections to Cuba Policy

Senator Ted Cruz’s objections that the Administration’s recent moves to recognize the communist regime in Cuba violate US law were rebuffed by President Obama. According to Title 22 of the US Code, the President must determine that Cuba has a democratically elected government in order to consider the restoration of diplomatic relations between our two countries.

According to the President, “times have changed and our laws need to change with them. The effort to try to isolate Cuba is a relic of the Cold War that is, in my judgment, no longer pertinent or necessary. Rather than go through the complicated and time-consuming charade of asking Congress to amend the statute, I am exercising my authority as Commander-in-Chief to revise this obsolete provision of our laws.”

Obama similarly brushed aside the law’s requirement that Cuba settle outstanding claims for compensation for the assets confiscated by the Castro government saying simply that “there’s no way they are going to pay. If we want to normalize relations with them we’re going to have to let this go.”

Whether riding roughshod over existing statutes will be enough to achieve the President’s objective of diplomatic recognition remains to be seen. The Government of Cuba is also demanding that the US cede the Guantánamo Bay territory and censor all US radio and television broadcasts that can be received on the island. Too many of these broadcasts contain material that the Cuban Government classifies as “counterrevolutionary.”

The fact that Cuba has not met the requirements laid out in our laws combined with their government’s demand that we aid and abet their tyranny by censoring broadcasters’ freedom of speech should give pause to the President’s rush to illegally grant concessions,” Cruz urged.

While allowing that “Cruz deserves some credit for perseverance,” President Obama expressed his confidence that “after last week’s Supreme Court decisions can there be any doubt that my adjustments to our laws will be upheld? What will it take for Cruz and his ilk to realize that it’s ‘game over.’ I’ve won. They need to live with that.”

EPA Mulling Rules against Fireworks, BBQs

The American tradition of celebrating Independence Day with fireworks and barbeques may be living on borrowed time. The Environmental Protection Agency is working on new regulations that could put a serious dent in the festivities. Strict new standards for ozone could bar most fireworks displays and some backyard BBQs.

EPA Administrator Gina McCarthy derided the idea that traditional modes of celebrating July 4th merited any special consideration. “Clean air is too important to play second-fiddle to abuses that result in needless pollution,” McCarthy contended. “Given our modern technology there are surely more environmentally-friendly ways of celebrating this annual event.”

The Administrator suggested that “electronic light shows are less polluting and, in my opinion, a more forward looking way of achieving the same end. Likewise, who really needs to barbeque on the Fourth, or any other day, for that matter? Grilling is an unhealthy way to cook for reasons beyond the air pollution it causes. Besides, people should be eating more steamed vegetables and less meat for their own health.”

Universities Strive to Stamp out Politically Incorrect Speech

The academic luminaries of the University of California and the University of Wisconsin are in the forefront of efforts to eradicate hurtful speech. Professors have been alerted to be on the lookout for phrases that the school’s have characterized as “microaggressions” that demean a person’s sense of self worth. Students or fellow faculty members using such phrases are to be reported to the school administration for disciplinary action.

Sane persons might be surprised to learn what some of these forbidden phrases are. In California, use of the phrase “America is the land of opportunity” or “everyone in this society can succeed, if they work hard enough” will get you into trouble. In Wisconsin, outlawed phrases include “I believe the most qualified person should get the job” and “there is only one race, the human race.”

Wisconsin Chancellor Bernie Patterson explained that “these seemingly innocuous words can be very hurtful. Saying that the most qualified person should get the job is anti-democratic. It implies that the one best should prevail over the larger number of less qualified persons. This is elitism.”

Likewise, lumping everyone into a single ‘human race’ would completely destroy the basis for affirmative action,” he added. “In fact, elevating the less qualified on the basis of race is the very foundation of affirmative action. But our objections go even deeper than this. Is it proper to use qualifications and performance to make any decisions? The whole idea of excellence and merit puts values derived from western societies ahead of values indigenous to other cultures. Can we justify a standard that mindlessly condemns mediocrity and idleness as inferior when the ratio of effort to reward in our society reveals these strategies to be very efficient for less capable individuals?”

Patterson went on to argue that “distributing grades and university honors to all impartially, without regard to performance, effort, or ability would be more egalitarian. If we really believe in social justice this is the ideal toward which we should be working.”

In related news, New York Mayor Bill de Blasio has banned employers from prying into a job applicant’s criminal history prior to hiring him. “It’s hard to get a job if your past mistakes can be used against you,” de Blasio said. “We need to level the playing field so former felons have a chance to go straight.” The risk that a former criminal might be a liability to the business or a danger to customers was declared “acceptable” by the Mayor. “You have to weigh the occasional theft or rape against the benefit to the thousands of ex-cons who need a way to rebuild their lives.”

Judge Blocks 24-Hour Waiting Period for Abortions

Circuit Judge Charles Dodson blocked the State of Florida’s new 24-hour waiting period for obtaining an abortion calling it “an intolerable inconvenience” that causes “irreparable harm.” The action came in response to a suit filed on behalf of 14 women who were unable to obtain abortions at the Gainesville clinic on the first day.

Forcing a woman to wait 24 hours in order to get an abortion disrespects the value of her time,” Dodson ruled. “Once a person loses a day of her life it can never be gotten back. The state has no mandate to impose this kind of irretrievable loss on its citizens in contravention of the inalienable right to an abortion granted by the US Supreme Court in 1973’s Roe vs. Wade decision.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

Release of Illegal Alien Criminals Called ‘Humanitarian’

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent NewsJohn

The Obama Administration’s release of illegal immigrants who went on to commit more than 100 murders was defended on “humanitarian” grounds by ICE Director Sarah Saldana.

These individuals all faced prison in their home countries,” Saldana said. “These foreign prisons are not like our prisons. There’s no exercise equipment and no satellite TV. Sanitation and hygiene are of the lowest sort imaginable. Sending these people to those Hellholes would have been inhumane.”

The inhumanity of the murders subsequently committed against Americans by the release of these foreign criminals was labeled “a tolerable risk” by the ICE Director. “Compared to the countries they came from, the United States has a lower crime rate,” she pointed out. “On top of that, police in the US have a better chance of apprehending suspects. The very fact that we know of the 120 murders they’ve perpetrated since their release proves that. So, from a global perspective, the burden of criminal predation has been more equitably distributed than it otherwise would’ve been if we had simply bused these foreign felons across the border.”

Saldana rejected criticisms that she characterized as “selfish and parochial. The contention that our first duty is to protect Americans is mistaken. As President Obama has made clear, we are citizens of the world first. We cannot shrug off our obligation to promote the greater good of the whole. The damage these miscreants would have done in their Third World home countries would have been far greater.”

In related news, Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton blamed Dylann Roof’s massacre of nine unarmed members of a Charleston, South Carolina church on Republican presidential aspirant Donald Trump’s anti-immigration rhetoric. “Opposition to the free flow of migrants across borders stirs up the sort of racist violence we saw in South Carolina this week,” she alleged. “Such talk shouldn’t be allowed in a free country.”

Study Shows Belgian Patients Euthanized without their Consent

Belgium passed its Euthanasia Act in 2002. A study published in this month’s Journal of Medical Ethics by Raphael Cohen-Almagor revealed that despite the law’s requirement that patients voluntarily give their consent to the procedure, many are euthanized without giving consent. The decision to euthanize was not discussed with the patient in nearly 80% of the cases of patients over 80 years old.

Dr. Pierre Tueur estimated that “I have probably performed more than 300 of these procedures on patients incapable of giving informed consent. In cases where the patient is unconscious, demented, or unreasonably frightened of death, I feel it would be against the patient’s best interest for him to be burdened by such a decision.”

Tueur maintained that the “voluntary” requirement of the law was met “when the person checks himself into the hospital. He comes to us seeking our professional expertise. When it becomes clear to us that further life would be too painful or unworthy it is our professional obligation to mercifully end it.”

Individuals who have become more of a burden than a benefit to the collective well-being of society have a moral duty to exit,” Tueur argued. “Moral obtuseness of the individual does not negate this duty. Those of us who have been trained in the science of medicine must step forward to ensure this duty is fulfilled.”

Disgraced NBC Anchorman Moves to MSNBC

Dismissed from his post at NBC’s Nightly News for making up stories, Brian Williams has been reassigned to the company’s floundering cable channel where he has vowed “to reclaim my reputation, one viewer at a time.” Whether Williams will be able to accomplish was thrown into doubt by his stubborn insistence that his on-the-air fabrications “weren’t intended to mislead people.”

Fiction isn’t inherently untrue,” Williams observed. “Many novels and movies portray deeper truths via fictional characters and events. We don’t deride Mark Twain or Steven Spielberg for making up stuff. While I don’t claim to be as good at it as them, I don’t think I’ve deserved all the negative vibes I’ve gotten.”

As an example of a “deeper truth” that his fiction helped elicit, Williams pointed to his reporting on Hurricane Katrina’s effects on New Orleans in 2005. “Admittedly, I didn’t see any bodies floating in the streets,” he acknowledged. “But it was a big flood and there could have been bodies that I didn’t see. The important point I was trying to make was that President Bush should be held accountable for the disaster.”

While Bush’s culpability might have been clear to Williams’ addled way of thinking, the reality was more complex. Yes, Bush was president when the hurricane hit the city, but Bush had no control over the path of the storm. The City’s vulnerability to flooding was decades in the making as state and local politicians squandered multiple opportunities to shore up levees.

For his part, former President Bush wished Williams “luck with his quest to restore his reputation” and allowed that “his estimate that he’ll do it one viewer at a time seems to be an accurate assessment based on the size of MSNBC’s audience.”

Rise in Sexual Harassment Cases at State Department

In 2014, under the leadership of John Kerry, 248 sexual harassment cases were filed at the US Department of State. This is considerably higher than the 88 cases filed in 2011 under the leadership of Hillary Clinton.

Kerry attributed the bulge in complaints to “employees’ misunderstanding of new training protocols I’ve introduced. It is not a scandal.”

According to the Secretary, the new protocols “involve intentionally stressful interactions carried out under my orders. If you’re going to work for the Department you must learn skills of diplomacy. Being diplomatic in circumstances where everyone behaves politely and appropriately is no challenge. It’s when someone crosses the line that the utmost test of these skills comes into play.”

In many of the countries we have to deal with women are regarded as subservient vessels for the pleasure and amusement of men,” Kerry observed. “Our female employees’ first experience with such denigration shouldn’t be after they’ve gone into the field. Likewise, in many other countries homosexuals are put to death. Homosexuals working in the State Department must be trained to conceal their sexual identities before we send them into the field to negotiate with these countries.”

Instead of complaining about the training, employees should be thankful I’m making the effort,” the Secretary asserted. “Let’s not forget that our gay Ambassador Christopher Stevens didn’t have the benefit of this training and ultimately was killed by Islamic homophobes under my predecessor’s watch.”

Leading Dems OK with Clinton Foundation Influence Peddling

Despite former Clinton administration official Robert Reich’s reservations about “the apparent impropriety of a husband of a potential future president accepting money from foreign governments and big corporations for ‘speeches’ that hardly seem worth listening to, much less paying for,” key Democrats think its okay.

Bringing money into America from a foreign government boosts our economy,” said Rep. Stephen Lynch (D-Mass). “If it’s trying to buy a policy that Hillary was going to follow anyway, well, that’s just ‘found money.’ And if it’s for a policy that Hillary doesn’t like, well, she can always welsh on the deal.”

People have a right to earn a living,” said Rep. Keith Ellison (D-Minn). “If someone is willing to pay a quarter of a million dollars to listen to a one-hour speech, well, it’s their money. They may think they’re gaining access to favors, but based on the Clintons’ track record, I think relying on such a quid-pro-quo is a long shot.”

Rep. Gene Green (D-Texas) said he is “confident that any money ending up in the hands of the Clintons will be put to good use. Even if only a tiny fraction is used for charity that’s still more than these charities might have gotten anyway. And keeping the Clintons relevant is an investment in America’s future. There may come a day when the nation sorely needs the skills that Chelsea can bring to the table.”

Rep. Dutch Ruppersberger (D-Md) blamed the public’s low trust in Hillary (57% of poll respondents don’t think she’s honest) on “the media’s right-wing bias. The vast right wing conspiracy that tried to hound Bill out of office for consensual sex with Monica are trying to block Hillary’s path to the White House now. That’s the real scandal here.”

Trump Enters Presidential Race

Real estate baron and reality TV star Donald Trump threw his hat into the ring in the race for the 2016 GOP presidential nomination this week. In his announcement in front of a crowd—many of whom were paid $50 apiece to cheer him on—Trump pledged to secure government entitlements.

With the other Republicans in the race, you never know whether they might end up cutting or privatizing Social Security, Medicare, or Medicaid,” Trump alleged. “Right here and right now I’m promising that these programs will be fully funded for as long as there is money to pay for them.”

Trump attempted to bolster the credibility of this promise by asking Oprah Winfrey to be his vice-presidential running mate. “Oprah gives away a lot of stuff to her TV audience,” Trump reminded. “It’s time we broaden the base to include every American as a recipient of her generosity.”

Trump further contrasted his “take no prisoners management style with that of President Obama’s ‘limp wristed’ inability to get Congress to bend to his will. If Congress can’t carry their weight I won’t be afraid to fire them. Everyone in America has seen me fire poor performers on The Apprentice. There should be no doubt that I’ve got what it takes to get results.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Angry Obama Vows Vengeance against Trade Bill Opponents

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnAlternating between tears and venom, a stunned President Obama ranted against members of his own Party, calling them “faithless turncoats” and alleging that “they are destroying my credibility with foreign nations,” after the House of Representatives voted 302 to 126 against the Trade Adjustment Assistance Act–a provision deemed crucial to the fate of his “fast track” trade legislation.

The vote came after a rare personal appearance of President Obama to lobby for the legislation. Erstwhile political ally, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif), led Democratic opposition to the President’s wishes. She remained unfazed by the President’s threat “to make life really hard for those who defy me.” “Even under a ‘worst case’ scenario, the President will only be in office for another 19 months,” Pelosi pointed out. “How much damage could he do?”

Press Secretary Josh Earnest advised the President’s political enemies “to not underestimate his disappointment or his determination to get his way, one way or the other. Don’t forget that he still has his pen and phone. He could bypass Congress and enact the trade legislation via executive action. He could use his phone to call on the FBI and NSA to release information that could prove embarrassing to Ms. Pelosi and others.”

Pelosi, however, wasn’t about to back down. “It’s not as if we don’t have our own sources of information that might prove embarrassing to the President,” she warned. “And if push comes to shove, there is always the option to impeach him. The prospect of elevating Joe Biden to the White House so the Party can run an incumbent for President in 2016 is looking better every day.”

In other news, Earnest brushed off revelations that the Chinese government has been hacking into secret federal databases for more than a year, saying that “this is just more proof that this Administration is the most transparent administration that this country has ever had, bone none.”

HUD Eager to Put More Public Housing into Suburban Neighborhoods

The Obama Administration’s Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) is working on new regulations that would tie federal aid to the placement of low-income public housing within white suburbs.

HUD Secretary Julian Castro explained that “ensuring diversity in every community is a key goal of this Administration. People on welfare shouldn’t be denied the right to live in nice communities just because there is no affordable housing available. Likewise, racists shouldn’t be allowed to insulate themselves from having neighbors of color merely by moving into areas with expensive housing.”

A possible fringe benefit for whites under this initiative, according to Castro is that “they wouldn’t have to go into the urban ghetto to buy recreational drugs. Public housing will bring drug vendors to their neighborhoods. This will save them the time and trouble of venturing into undesirable areas in order to purchase crack or weed.”

Castro acknowledged that “having drug dealers nearby also has its down side. There could be turf wars as gang members shoot it out to determine who will own the territory. And there may be a bump up in burglaries or robberies as addicts living in nearby public housing scrounge to obtain the funds needed to support their habits. But the Administration feels that this redistribution of crime will be more equitable in the long run.”

Boeing Innovation Increases Fliers’ Toilet Access

Concerned that the space allotted for on-board toilet facilities reduces the number of seats for passengers, the Boeing Corporation is converting all passenger seats on its 777-300ER into “potty chairs.”

Every additional passenger a plane can carry adds badly needed revenue to the airline’s bottom line,” said Boeing’s public relations specialist Anita Crapper. “We thought, if there were a way to convert the space set aside for restrooms into passenger seating it would permit airlines to earn thousands more per flight. By making every seat a ‘potty chair’ airlines can achieve that objective.”

Ms. Crapper lauded this innovation as “far superior to asking fliers to get their ‘business’ out of the way before boarding. In the old days passengers had to just ‘hold it in’ once they entered the airplane cabin. Even after on-board toilets were added, passengers’ access is sometimes impaired. Using the toilet during take-off and landing is totally barred. Other times there may be a lengthy line. With each seat being a ‘potty chair’ every passenger can go whenever he or she wants.”

On the new 777s each seat will have a retractable lid and drop-down privacy curtains. All a passenger needs to do is press a button to activate them. Any waste deposited will fall into a mini-chemical toilet under the seat. Pressing the button when finished will raise the curtain, close the lid, and release a squirt of air freshener.

We are entering a new and exciting era of flying,” Ms. Crapper boasted. “Those suffering from incontinence or loose bowels need no longer feel that flying will be an ordeal for them.”

In other news, California Governor Jerry Brown announced that he has given up bathing and drinking water to help fight that state’s prolonged drought. “Bathing is unnatural anyway,” Brown contended. “It’s a late addition to American culture and relatively uncommon in most parts of the world, including Europe.” Instead of drinking water, Brown says he will be switching to green tea “because of its added health benefits.”

Pennsylvania Teachers Attend Mosque

About 50 teachers and administrators of the Lebanon School District in Pennsylvania got paid time off to attend Islamic religious training. Teacher Lara Book called the day “amazing. Even though the rituals are different what came through loud and clear is that all religions want the same thing.”

While the ACLU is normally “johnny-on-the-spot” to protest any show of religion in a public space, especially one where taxpayer resources may be unconstitutionally used to promulgate a faith, spokesman Betram Petty found no problem with this event.

The whole separation of church and state thing is a western way of thinking,” he said. “It would be improper to hold Islam to these standards. Muhammed used the state to spread his religion, often giving individuals the choice of converting or being put to death. Using taxpayer funds to educate teachers on the fundamentals of Islam seems a lot milder than resorting to jihad. So, opening our institutions to this milder form of proselytization seems a more peaceful way of accomplishing the same goal. Objecting on the grounds that it mixes church and state could divert Muslims toward a more violent course of action.”

In related news, the ACLU is suing Gloucester High School in Virginia for denying 16-year-old Gavin Grimm, a female, access to the boys’ locker room and restrooms. “This is hurtful and stigmatizing for Ms. Grimm,” complained Petty. “The school’s effort to palm-off ‘gender-neutral’ restrooms as their solution to the transgender phenomenon falls far short of equal treatment under the law. Ms. Grimm’s inalienable right to explore her sexual identity requires that she be enabled to disrobe and shower among boys. It is key for helping her decide whether to make the full transition to male or whether she would be more comfortable keeping her female body.”

Police Shut Down Kids’ Lemonade Stand

Police in Overton, Texas ordered two sisters, Zoey (aged 7) and Andria Green (aged 8) to “cease and desist” selling lemonade in their efforts to raise money to buy a Father’s Day gift for their dad.

Selling anything in Texas without a permit is illegal,” explained rousting officer Doug Stamper. “It doesn’t matter that neighborhood lemonade stands have been a time-honored way for kids to make a buck. Under the law, they need to buy a permit if they want to sell lemonade.”

The cost of the required permit is $150. Few kids would have the funds to afford it. Few kid-run lemonade stands could net enough to cover the cost of purchasing a permit.

Every dollar these kids make is stolen from legitimate businesses that pay for permits and collect sales taxes that they remit to the government,” Stamper added. “If the loss of this legitimate revenue weren’t substantial the businesses wouldn’t have bothered to lobby for the law we’re enforcing here today.”

Stamper went on to contrast “the fundamentally selfish motive of these two girls” with “the loftier purposes to which the local government puts the revenues garnered from permit fees and taxes. A couple of kids operating a rogue business may look cute, but it’s a ‘knife between the ribs’ of legitimate businesses and the government elected to protect their interests.”

Congressman Introduces Automatic Voter Bill

Rep. David Cicilline (D-RI) has drafted legislation that he says “will greatly simplify the whole voting process in this country. Right now we have what is basically an ‘opt-in’ system. Those who want to vote have to take the initiative to register and make a periodic effort to cast a ballot. There is no question this reduces the number of ballots cast and lessens participation in our democratic process.”

Under Cicilline’s bill, every voter would be automatically registered to vote on his or her 18th birthday. A notice would be sent supplying each newly registered voter with a postage-paid reply card where they could indicate a Party preference. Once the card were received and recorded the person’s vote would automatically be cast for the Party specified in all future elections unless the individual presented a notarized affidavit changing the Party preference for a specific election.

By making one decision at the time of registration that person’s voice will continue to be heard in all subsequent elections without requiring any additional effort on their part,” Cicilline said. “People wouldn’t needlessly be forced to endure the tedium of going to the polls time-after-time. Their preference will be pre-recorded and repeated, saving them enormous amounts of time and trouble.”

Cicilline denied that his bill would usher in “mandatory voting,” saying that “a person could return the reply card asking that his or her name be stricken from the rolls.” He insisted that a better analogy would be “like those book clubs where they automatically send you the month’s selection unless you opt out. That system sells more books. My system will result in more votes. It will strengthen our democratic process.”

The legislation has been endorsed by Democratic National Committee Chairwoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz (Fla), former Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee Chairman Steve Israel (NY), and civil rights activist Rep. John Lewis (D-Ga).

Homeland Security Searching for Leaker

Last week’s news that the TSA failed to detect 95% of the weapons smuggled onto airlines in its security test has focused the Department on ways to tighten up security. Readers will be forgiven for mistakenly assuming that the tightening efforts will be on ways to interdict more smuggled weapons. In fact, the main concern, as Secretary Jeh Johnson sees it, “is finding the person who leaked these confidential test results to the media.”

The sad truth is that there is no way we can intercept more than a tiny fraction of actions hostile toward our air transportation system,” Johnson admitted. “Making sure that this truth is kept confidential was a crucial component of our ‘big bluff’ strategy. If terrorists believe they will be caught, they won’t attempt to penetrate our security. If travelers believe security is tight, they won’t be afraid to fly. This leak undermines both of these goals. We need to find out who is responsible and make an example of him.”

The Secretary dismissed the possibility that any of the 73 TSA personnel with ties to terrorist groups could have played a role in the failure to detect smuggled weapons. “Seventy-three is just a small fraction of our TSA crew,” Johnson pointed out. “The 95% failure rate is evidence of much bigger flaws in our system. There is no cause for us to embark on a witch hunt aimed at blaming the Muslims we employ.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

New Candidate for President Vows to Complete Metric Conversion

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThis week, former Rhode Island Senator and Governor Lincoln Chafee announced he is seeking the Democratic nomination for president in the 2016 election. A key factor in his decision to enter the race is “to bring the much-needed conversion of weights and measurements in this country into line with the metric system.”

“The United States is seriously out of step with the rest of the world,” Chafee contended. “When everyone else is using meters and liters it is sheer arrogance for us to be using yards and gallons. It’s like we saying ‘we’re too good to lower ourselves to your level’ to the rest of the world. It’s a ‘stick in their eye’ that breeds hostility and feeds the fires of terrorism.”

Chafee conceded that “it will seem odd to hear announcers call football games with the coin toss at the 45.72 meter line and the kick-off from the 27.432 meter line. But wouldn’t this better than having terrorists fly airplanes into our skyscrapers?”

The candidate emphasized that “I am the only one talking about this issue. Voters who want a uniform global system of measurements will have a clear choice. Do they want to cleave to an archaic and eccentric system? Or do they want to boldly conform to what every other nation is doing? Progress or peril—that’s the choice I offer.”

President Gives TSA “Vote of Confidence”

Recent field tests indicating that the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) failed to detect smuggled weapons 96% of the time did not deter President Obama from expressing his “continued confidence in the job they are doing protecting our aviation network.”

Press Secretary Josh Earnest contrasted the dismal test results with “the absence of any recent real world attacks,” saying that “I’d put more weight on what hasn’t happened than on what might’ve happened. Some are saying that we’ve just been lucky that no terrorists have tried to hijack an airline. But as baseball great Dizzy Dean once said ‘maybe it’s better to be lucky than good.’ America is fortunate it can rely on the President’s phenomenal good luck to protect it.”

Apprised of the fact that the quote he attributed to Dean was actually said by Lefty Gomez, Earnest was unfazed. “Regardless, the point is that luck beats skill,” he asserted. “The last six years proves that.”

Carter Slams White Feelings of Superiority

Former President Jimmy Carter denounced white feelings of superiority as “racist residue” during an interview with the American Association of Retired Persons.(AARP).

“Whites who use statistics indicating that Blacks are disproportionately involved in crime or on welfare are making judgments that neglect to consider valid cultural differences,” the former President said. “The notion that earning a living is more respectable than subsisting on government benefits is pure prejudice. Logically, accepting welfare rather than submitting to wage-slavery makes perfect sense. Failure to credit Blacks who have made this logical decision reflects poorly on whites.”

“As for the higher Black participation in crime, well, what could be more entrepreneurial than leading a gang that undertakes the dangerous trade of smuggling and distributing drugs?” Carter asked. “These enterprising young Blacks must accomplish these tasks without any help from the civil authorities. To the contrary, they are harassed on a regular basis. They have no recourse to the court system to enforce contractual obligations and are left to devise their own enforcement mechanisms.”

“If it weren’t for incipient racism in this country, we’d be seeing these young men on the covers of Forbes or Time Magazine instead of on wanted posters at the Post Office,” Carter complained. “At least we can be thankful that some of our nation’s leaders like Baltimore Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake and President Obama are making an effort to turn things around.”

New AG Seeks to Federalize All Elections

Contending that “it is shameful that we allow each state to determine its own qualifications for voters,” Attorney General Loretta Lynch has proposed new rules that would concentrate all authority over elections under the jurisdiction of her US Department of Justice.

“I know that the Constitution gave states the right to run their own elections, but it also gave Congress the right to alter state regulations if it so chooses,” Lynch pointed out. Lynch said she is “especially aggrieved that states get to determine who is and isn’t mentally competent to cast a ballot. By what right does any state presume to deny the right to vote based on a contention that a person is too demented? Does a person lose his civil right to participate in selecting who will govern him just because he can’t understand the issues or his choices? This seems to be a clear violation of the American with Disabilities Act.”

Lynch asserted that “anyone who wants to vote should be allowed to vote. If that person needs help filling out a ballot, well, that’s what we pay social workers for. The legislation I am proposing would permit these trained professionals to assist and, if necessary act as a proxy for those in their care, to cast ballots in any election.”

Whether Lynch’s bill will gain much traction in the Republican-controlled Congress seems dubious. Sen. Thom Tillis (R-NC) expressed skepticism that “ensuring the mentally incompetents’ access to the ballot box would improve election outcomes. I think the idea of self-government presumes that voters can act rationally. I don’t think it means that we trust social workers to cast ballots on behalf of those unable to comprehend the process.”

The AG says she doesn’t view Congressional opposition as an insuperable obstacle. “Drafting a bill is merely a courtesy,” Lynch declared. “We’re giving them an opportunity to be part of the process. If they fail to grasp this opportunity the President is prepared to proceed on his own authority as the nation’s Commander-in-Chief.”

In related news, candidate for the 2016 Democratic presidential nomination Hillary Clinton called for “the end of all restrictions on voting. A person should be able to vote whenever and wherever they want. Rules requiring registration, or short time frames when ballots may be cast, or limited locations where ballots may be cast or accumulated lower participation rates. There ought to be a free voter ‘app’ on every cell phone the government hands out.”

Senator Wants RICO Prosecution of “Climate Change Deniers”

Arguing that “the threat of global climate change is the greatest crisis we have ever faced,” Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse (D-Conn) has called for the Department of Justice (DOJ) to employ the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations (RICO) Act against those who dispute the threat.

“Can we really afford to engage in debate when the world is literally melting right before our eyes?” Whitehouse wanted to know. “Those who try to insert feigned skepticism as a barrier to action are worse than jihadi terrorists. They are shills for the corrupt industries that profiteer off Americans’ selfish addictions to comfort and mobility. They must not be allowed to hide their evil designs behind the First Amendment.”

“Aggressive action by the DOJ to freeze and seize assets will ensure that funds that could’ve been used to finance deniers’ propaganda can be redeployed for the collective benefit of the global community,” the Senator argued. “It will also give pause to anyone contemplating opposition to the steps necessary to combat climate change. Having one’s life ruined by government agents and prosecutors is a great deterrent.”

Whitehouse brushed aside concerns that crushing political opponents was outside the original intent of the RICO statute. “Arguing ‘original intent’ is a sterile exercise,” he maintained. “Repurposing a statute to meet a new threat shows creativity in evolving new ways of ruling the country. If we want vigorous government we must be flexible in how we interpret old laws.”

Congresswoman Touts Mandatory Gun Insurance

Rep. Carolyn Maloney (D-NY) has introduced the Firearm Risk Protection Act—a bill she says will “make gun violence prohibitively expensive.” The gist of Maloney’s legislation is to require that every gun owner purchase liability insurance covering any injuries or fatalities resulting from the use of their weapons.

“My bill would boost the cost of owning a gun by thousands of dollars a year,” the Congresswoman boasted. “This should price firearms out of reach for most people. No longer would owning a gun be a one-time purchase. There’d be continuing annual fees to be paid. The number of persons owning guns should drop.”

Maloney rejected arguments that criminals who do the most damage with firearms would scarcely be deterred by the legislation. “We know that trying to fight crime by directly confronting the criminals doesn’t work,” she claimed. “The point is to deter law-abiding people from buying guns. If they buy fewer guns there’ll be fewer guns for criminals to steal. Even if the law-abiding still buy guns, holding their insurers liable for the damages done by stolen guns will incentivize these companies to add more layers of regulations on gun owners.”

“Even if we don’t deter a single murder, the lower rates of gun ownership we will achieve should reduce the frequency of accidental shootings from insecurely stored weapons in the home,” Maloney said. “Since the victims of accidental shootings are more likely to be innocent victims, I think this is a good trade-off.”

In related news, in the United Kingdom it is now illegal for a victim of a crime to use any weapon in self-defense. “It’s a question of how do you stop the chain of violence,” explained Home Secretary Mark Pigeon. “If we say its okay for a person to respond to force with counter force where does it all end? It’s better to short-circuit the escalation before we add more casualties.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Court Strikes Down Idaho Abortion Limitation

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnAn Idaho statute banning abortions after the fetus reaches 20 weeks of age was struck down by the US 9th Circuit Court of Appeals as “an undue burden on a parent’s ability to get an abortion.”

The assertion that 20 weeks is the age at which the fetus is capable of feeling pain cannot be permitted to outweigh the Supreme Court’s Roe v. Wade decision that a woman’s access to abortion is a fundamental right that cannot be abridged by state action,” wrote Judge Harry Pregerson for the three-judge panel hearing the case. “First of all, a fetus is not a person under our laws and deserves no more protection against pain than a hog sent to a slaughterhouse.”

Furthermore, the legislature of the State of Idaho is unfit to meddle in this issue,” Pregerson added. “Elected bodies are notoriously influenced by the ill-informed opinions of voters who elected them. Matters of such magnitude are better left to the greater wisdom of the judiciary branch where the wisest of our species is free to rule without the distraction and interference of having to stand for election.”

Ten states currently have a similar law banning abortions after 20 weeks and legislation establishing a federal law is working its way through Congress. Pregerson predicted that “all such laws would ultimately be struck down as unconstitutional. No mere statute, either state or federal can overturn a court ruling. It would take an amendment to the US Constitution to invalidate the rights given to women by Court in the Roe v. Wade decision.”

In related news, The 2nd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals ruled that New York’s Department of Motor Vehicles acted within its discretion to reject an option for vehicle owners to have “choose life” appear on vanity plates. DMV Commissioner Barbara Fiala explained that “it is a question of public safety. New York is a majority pro-choice state. Allowing a minority to promulgate its message on a moving vehicle is a ‘stick in the eye’ that has the potential to inflame passions and possibly provoke unsafe driving.”

IRS Defiant on Data Breach

This week’s revelation that hackers stole the identities of 100,000 taxpayers from the IRS was characterized as “small potatoes” by Commissioner John Koskinen. “There are over 120 million individuals who pay federal income taxes. The 100,000 who will be victimized by this data breach represent less than one-tenth of one-percent of the total.”

Koskinen went on to boast that “we stop nearly 50% of the breaches we know about before any individual’s information can be used to defraud the government”–an effectiveness ratio that he contended “far outshines your typical performance for any other federal agency.”

The Commissioner lamented that “while the Russian hackers responsible for this latest incursion into federal databases may be beyond our jurisdiction, the individuals who leaked word of the breach to the media will be tracked down and punished. The damage done to the people’s confidence in their government from this leak far outweighs the trivial amounts that any individuals may have lost from their refunds being stolen. The vast majority of those taxpayers eligible for refunds are low-income wage earners. Our nation can easily absorb the losses inflicted on them by Russian gangsters.”

More than 20% of Americans Receive Welfare

According to the latest Census Bureau data, 21.3% of those living in America are receiving welfare benefits. This includes more than 41% of Blacks, more than 36% of Hispanics, more than 17% of Asians and more than 13% of whites.

Health and Human Services Secretary Sylvia Burwell called it “a good start on the President’s transformative agenda. Ideally, all output would be put into a common pot and doled out to individuals and families based on need. The notion that a person should be self-supporting is archaic. In another generation it will be completely replaced by an appreciation for the collective good of the whole.”

Burwell expressed faith that “robots will eventually do all the menial work that has enslaved humankind for thousands of years. The non-menial work will be performed by a dedicated minority that has placed selfishness aside in order to work for the benefit of those less able. Need will supplant greed as the primary principle by which the Earth’s bounty is distributed among the people. All will live as one big family with the President serving as the virtual ‘parent’ to each and everyone of us—allotting each an allowance appropriate to his needs, meting out extra rewards for good behavior, and punishments for willful disobedience.”

In related news, socialist candidate for the 2016 Democratic presidential nomination Sen. Bernie Sanders called for the government “to seize the resources wasted on manufacturing 23 different kinds of deodorant and 18 brands of sneakers and divert them to the production of food for starving children. The American consumer’s addiction to free choice must not be permitted to divert us from this greater purpose.”

Sanders also came out in favor of a flat tax of 90% on all income saying that “the average person has far more than he needs. Most private spending is frittered away on non-essentials like fancy cell phones, private automobiles, and entertainment. Shifting this spending over to the government will ensure a more useful deployment of society’s resources.” As for low wage earners hit with the 90% tax, the Senator said he was “confident that a package of carefully selected social welfare benefits would offset most of the pain.”

Documents Reveal State Dept Aided Rise of ISIS

The latest batch of declassified emails from former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s private server indicate that weapons used by ISIS to conquer half of Syria and Iraq were covertly supplied by the US. It appears that Ambassador Christopher Stevens was intimately involved in smuggling armaments from captured Libyan stockpiles to anti-Assad forces in Syria.

Current Secretary of State John Kerry defended the arms transfers as “based on the best intelligence we had at the time. We knew Assad was a brutal dictator who needed to be deposed. We thought relying on anti-government elements in Syria could do the job without having to risk direct US intervention. Who could’ve known that these anti-Assad rebels would turn into ISIL and misuse the weapons we gave them?”

In support of his argument, Kerry pointed out that “Sen. McCain (R-Ariz) had met with these anti-Assad rebels and pronounced them trustworthy. McCain, like me, served in Vietnam. He was even tortured by the North Vietnamese. So, I think Secretary Clinton may have given a lot of weight to his pronouncement. It only looks stupid in hindsight.”

The Secretary said “the really baffling part of all this is why Ambassador Stevens was murdered by jihadis. He was trying to help them get weapons. Killing him made no sense. I don’t think we’ll ever figure that out.”

In related news, key Senate Democrats urged President Obama to take executive action to admit more Syrian refugees into the United States. “Since it seems that our poorly conceived attempt to arm anti-Assad forces has turned their country into a total war zone, it is morally incumbent upon us to admit 65,000 displaced Syrians into our country,” wrote Senate Whip Dick Durbin (D-Ill).

Durbin discounted the risk that terrorists might hide among the refugees saying that “it’s more logical that jihadis will want to stay in the Islamic State than come here. Even if terrorists do come here, though, the damage they might do is likely to be small. We are a big country with over 300 million inhabitants. The few that might be killed by a lone wolf bombing or shooting attack would be only a pin-prick. More Americans are apt to be victims of global climate change than jihadi terrorists.”

Ferguson Rioters Demand Backpay

Hundreds of individuals who came from across the country to participate in the riots in Ferguson, Missouri after a police officer shot cigar thief Michael Brown during a physical altercation, are complaining that they are owed backpay by Missourians Organizing for Reform and Empowerment (MORE).

We were promised $5,000 a person per month for keeping that town in the news,” complained Ward Burns, one of 500 protesters bussed in from Boston, Chicago, Columbus, Detroit, Houston, Los Angeles, Nashville, Portland, Tucson, Washington, D.C., Winston-Salem, North Carolina, and other cities. “We need to get paid.”

MORE is funded by left-wing billionaire George Soros, who reportedly spent $33 million in the last year to support groups agitating in the streets of Ferguson. “I don’t know why these people haven’t been paid,” Soros said. “I certainly provided enough cash to cover the $2.5 million monthly salaries of the protesters. Maybe the MORE bank account was inadvertently looted during the confusion.”

In related news, violence in Baltimore has soared since street riots in protest of the death of Freddie Gray while in the custody of City Police were initiated a few weeks ago. Some are blaming Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake’s order that police “give protesters space to destroy property.” Others blame police reluctance to venture onto the streets after six of their colleagues were indicted for Gray’s death. The Mayor, though, taking a cue from President Obama, is blaming slavery. “If white slave traders hadn’t brought all those Africans here more than two hundred years ago there wouldn’t be all this trouble now,” she reasoned.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

Failure to Disclose $26 Million in Bribes an “Oversight” Says CEO

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnRecent revelations that the Clinton Foundation neglected to report over $26 million in payments from major corporations, universities, foreign sources and other groups was characterized as “a mere oversight” by Foundation Chief Executive Officer Donna Shalala.

The Foundation has raised more than $2 billion dollars over the years its been in existence,” Shalala pointed out. “The $26 million everyone is hyperventilating over is relative pocket change amounting to barely 1% of the total. It’s on a par with a Congressman failing to report a free vacation from a lobbyist or a waiter forgetting to report all his tip income to the IRS. It’s no big deal.”

Others aren’t so sure it isn’t a big deal. Peter Schweizer, author of the book Clinton Cash: The Untold Story of How and Why Foreign Governments and Businesses Helped Make Bill and Hillary Rich, wondered “why a Nigerian newspaper paid former president Bill Clinton $500,000 for a speech. And if it was all legit, why was this payment among the $26 million the Foundation ‘forgot’ to report?”

As everyone knows, the Clintons were flat broke when Bill’s term as president was over,” Shalala said in response. “Why should anyone begrudge him earning a little money from sharing his wisdom on the talk circuit? Isn’t it time that the harassment and persecution of one of America’s great families come to an end?”

Bush Defends Warrantless Government Surveillance

While one GOP presidential candidate filibustered legislation extending the National Security Agency’s (NSA) authority to spy on Americans, another alleges that “there’s not a shred of evidence that this surveillance has violated anyone’s civil liberties.”

GOP presidential candidate Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ken) spoke for 10 hours on the floor of the Senate contending that NSA’s warrantless violations of privacy are unconstitutional. “The Fourth Amendment was intended to protect us from unreasonable searches,” Rand argued. “It calls for government to obtain a warrant from a judge based on ‘probable cause.’ The gathering of massive amounts of private information without such warrants flies in the teeth of the Amendment’s prohibition. We should be abolishing this intrusion, not extending it.”

Prospective rival for the Republican nomination, former Florida Governor JEB Bush disagreed, calling the NSA “a virtual guardian angel watching over and protecting us. I just can’t buy the argument that we have anything to fear from our own government. They’re on our side. We need to give them all the power and tools they say they need to keep us safe.”

Bush said that “the fact that the only people killed so far based on information gathered by the NSA are enemies of our government ought to reassure everyone that as long as they behave themselves they have nothing to fear. So the government knows who you phone, email and tweet. So what, as long as you’re not doing anything wrong why should you care? I don’t find the so-called scare phrase ‘Big Brother is watching you’ particularly frightening. The whole idea behind the NSA originated with my big brother and he’s a swell guy. We should be glad that he helped develop a program to watch over us.”

Hillary Defends Benghazi Lies

Evidence that former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was informed that the assault on the Benghazi Consulate and murder of Ambassador Stevens was a planned terrorist attack before she went public with the misleading cover story of a video protest gone bad failed to dislodge her from defending it.

Sure, we knew within hours of the Ambassador’s death that the attack had been planned at least 10 days in advance, but for us to have publicly acknowledged this would have put the country into even greater danger,” Clinton maintained. “Remember, this attack occurred just two months ahead of a presidential election. Our first priority was to counteract the domestic insurgency being led by Mitt Romney. Staving off this attempt to overthrow our government was more important than adhering to some quaint notions of honesty.”

Clinton characterized the bogus video-inspired-uprising story as akin to President Roosevelt’s feigning surprise at Japan’s attack on Pearl Harbor. “Imagine the damage that would have been done to his government if he hadn’t seized control of the narrative,” she hypothesized. “By diverting attention away from our lack of preparedness and onto Japan’s treachery he was able to rally the American people and save his government. Why shouldn’t we have emulated a man most historians agree was one of our greatest presidents?”

In related news, Clinton’s presidential campaign manager disputed press claims that her motorcade reached speeds in excess of 95 mph on the way to a fund raiser in Iowa. “While the media vehicles following the motorcade may have sped, we did not,” Robbie Mook asserted, attributing the quick transit time to “our use of new technology allowing us to travel using a ‘worm hole’ through hyperspace. The confusion afflicting those still confined to normal three-dimensional space is understandable.”

Candidate Says “Everything Will Be Free When I’m President”

Self-described socialist and candidate for the 2016 Democratic presidential nomination Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders promised voters that “everything will be free when I’m president.”

In a country as rich as ours it is shameful that mere lack of money should block anyone from having all the good things of life,” Sanders said. “No one should be stigmatized by having to grovel to qualify for food stamps or be denied entry into college because they can’t afford it or don’t have good high school grades. Anyone who wants to eat should simply be permitted to take food from a grocery store or restaurant. Anyone who wants to go to college should be allowed in, no questions asked.”

Payment for all these freebies will come from a confiscatory tax on excess assets and income. “Only pure arrogance drives the notion that people who are smarter and harder-working should get more than those less well-endowed by nature or nurture,” the Senator contended. “Just because you are lucky enough to inherit intelligence or learn to be enterprising from the good example of your parents doesn’t mean you earned it. A person born to stupid and shiftless parents isn’t at fault for his lack of effort. Why then should his rewards be contingent on the exertions he doesn’t make?”

Every human being is entitled to an equal share of the Earth’s bounty,” Sanders declared. “Ensuring an equitable distribution is government’s responsibility. Voters can count on me to fulfill this responsibility.”

Pay Hike Needed to Boost Congress’ Morale

Several Democrats, including Minority Whip Steny Hoyer (Md), made the case for higher compensation this week citing “the low morale among those of us in the legislature who can only salivate at the sums being hauled in by ex-presidents and others for trifling amounts of work. As members of a body of 435 we won’t have the same name recognition. We won’t be invited to pontificate on sundry topics for piles of cash.”

Rep. Alcee Hastings (D-Fla) seconded Hoyer’s remarks saying “we need to get a bigger piece of the pie now! We pass laws doling out billions to important constituencies, yet we get dinged for accepting gratuities in exchange. It’s just not fair.”

Hastings went on to complain that “the $174,000 annual salary is barely four times the median household income in this country. It’s humiliating for members of the ruling class to have to scrape by on such a pittance. Plus, if our salaries were higher those hoping to influence policy would be encouraged to up the amounts they pay for our efforts to deliver the goods.”

Hoyer also warned of “a possible exodus of the best and brightest from public service if we don’t take action to increase the rewards. The loss of human capital from the departure of legislators who have served for decades would be catastrophic. Congress would likely degenerate into a body staffed by short-term citizen-legislators instead of long-term professionals who dedicate their lives to wielding power for the common good.”

Kerry Calls for Stricter Government Regulation of Internet

In a speech in South Korea US Secretary of State John Kerry called for government to play a bigger role in what goes on the Internet. Kerry advised that “we take a lesson from what’s going on in North Korea. Sure, there are a lot of things wrong with the way Kim is governing his country, but that doesn’t mean everything he’s doing is a mistake.”

A key positive in Kim’s policies is the government’s larger role in filtering what the citizens of North Korea can see and hear from the Internet,” the Secretary maintained. “Antisocial content that could undermine his people’s contentment is severely dealt with. Positive messages aimed at raising the people’s sense of well-being are encouraged. This helps boost the people’s faith in their government.”

There’s some good lessons we in the West can learn from Kim’s model,” Kerry argued. “Granted, we wouldn’t want to resort to executing every dissident, but there are less bloodthirsty methods of enforcing compliance with the values and practices that will help stamp out the evils of racism, hate speech, and sedition that infest the unregulated Internet that currently prevails in the United States.”

Kerry concluded his remarks with “a wish that the independent Federal Communication Commission will not let President Obama down by allowing an unwarranted respect for freedom of speech to cloud their judgment.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you

Feds Warn Lenders Not to Deny Loans to Welfare Recipients

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThe Consumer Financial Protection Bureau (CFPB) warned financial institutions that they could be prosecuted if they deny home loans to persons subsisting on welfare benefits.

CFPB Director Richard Cordray asserted that “placing ability to repay ahead of need is contrary to federal regulations. Just because a person cannot support himself or herself doesn’t mean he or she should be excluded from the benefits of home ownership. Every person has an inalienable right to own a home. Lenders have a moral obligation to help people achieve this right.”

For banks to argue that the risks of default and foreclosure should preclude certain persons from obtaining loans places profit over social justice,” Cordray said. “Those who attempt to implement such injustice will face consequences. Fines or even imprisonment await anyone who would defy us in this matter.”

Cordray went on to question “whether requiring loans to be repaid even makes sense. Housing costs would be lower across-the-board if the burden of repayment could be lifted from those unable to afford it. Banks have billions of dollars and could easily absorb the losses from non-performing loans. If they should become insolvent the Federal Reserve would, as it has in the past, just create more money to bail them out.”

In related news, the U.S. Department of Agriculture is considering eliminating in-person interviews for Food Stamp applicants. Secretary Tom Vilsack explained that “forcing applicants to meet face-to-face is unnecessarily humiliating for them. I mean, having to look a government official in the eye and ask for help is intimidating. It might deter some from even seeking aid and try to make it on their own. By allowing applicants to simply phone-in a request for Food Stamps we can better maximize the volume of aid we provide.”

Global Warming Activists Demand Media Stop Calling Unbelievers “Skeptics”

The Citizen Engagement Laboratory (CEL) wants news outlets to stop using the term “skeptics” for those who question the global climate change meme. Instead, those who fail to adhere to the accepted view are to be universally referred to as “deniers.”

CEL Director Ronald Deibert complained that “using the word ‘skeptic’ makes opposition to our theory of global climate change sound reasonable. It implies that their assertion that evidence is needed to prove that mankind is the source of climate change deserves a hearing. It implies that the science of global warming is not settled, that differing interpretations of the data are permissible. Is this something we should allow?”

If we can eliminate the term ‘skeptic’ and uniformly replace it with ‘denier’ we can cast these doubters into the ranks of those who don’t deserve to be heard,” Deibert declared. “’Denier’ connotes an air of unjustified disbelief. No one need pay attention to the rantings of ‘deniers’ like those who deny that the Holocaust ever took place. Why should those who deny the reality of man-made climate change be treated any better?”

Deibert says he fears that “if we allow unacceptable views to continue to pollute the debate it will be that much more difficult to gain broad public acquiescence for the sacrifices we all must make to combat the threat. The slightest smidgen of doubt could derail the taxes and regulations necessary to avert disaster.”

Dean Claims Jesus More Leftist than Democratic Party

This week, former Vermont Governor Howard Dean claimed that “Jesus was more to the left than the Democratic Party. Look, Jesus threw the money changers out of the temple. We Democrats are content to merely tax and regulate them.”

If you listen closely to Jesus’ words about rendering unto Caesar what is Caesar’s, it seems clear that all the money properly belongs to the government,” Dean maintained. “Democrats haven’t gone that far. We still permit people to keep some of the money they earn.”

You know, Jesus didn’t work a steady job,” Dean observed. “While he was traipsing about the desert he was living off of handouts. Yet, the so-called ‘religious right’ assails those who accept handouts as a way of life today as shiftless and parasitic. Maybe it is they who are out-of-sync with Jesus’ message.”

In related news, President Obama castigated churches, saying that “those who focus more on abortion and gay marriage than eradicating poverty are out-of-step with Jesus’ teachings. Jesus urged people to give away their wealth. If Congress would adopt more progressive taxation the government could help make this happen.”

Can we be so sure Jesus would have condemned abortion or gay rights?” Obama wondered. “It seems to me that Jesus cared a lot about women. Why wouldn’t he care about their reproductive health? And didn’t Jesus spend a lot of time in the company of the apostles—all men? He never married as would have been normal for a Jew in those days. Can we be sure that Jesus himself was not gay?”

Obama Calls for Change in How the Media Reports

Citing the “especially grievous slant that FOX gives to the news,” President Obama called for “better policing of the public airways to prevent this intellectual pollution.”

When I see how FOX is constantly undermining what I am trying to do for America by pointing out every flaw and defect of my policies I feel sorry for America,” the President said. “How can our people be joyful if their TVs are parading so-called failures in front of them in their own living rooms?”

The abuse of freedom of the press and freedom of speech for the purpose of destroying faith in government is seditious,” Obama contended. “We should not sit by and let this go out of some reverence for the outmoded ideas of America’s founders. New times require new rules if we are to promote the general welfare.”

An idea that is starting to gain some traction inside the Administration is to employ the Federal Communications Commission to “fact check” all news broadcasts. “We owe it to the American people to ensure that the news they receive is accurate,” said FCC Chairman Thomas Wheeler. “No one has the right to inject inaccurate information or disloyal opinions into the nation’s communication system. The FCC has a wide range of tools it can and should use to clean up what is broadcast, transmitted, or posted to the web. My biggest regret is that we let things go too far and had to be reminded by the President to do our duty.”

Senator Says NFL Priorities “Screwed Up”

The announcement that the New England Patriots and Quarterback Tom Brady would be penalized for cheating drove Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) into a frenzy.

I find it stunning that the NFL cares more about how much air is in a football than it cares about a racist franchise name,” Reid raved. “No one need have known about the under-inflated balls. Covertly tipping the scales is simply business-as-usual. By going public with this scandal the NFL has ‘shot itself in the foot,’ and to what end?”

The much more serious offense is the refusal of the Washington team to change its name,” Reid argued. “Correct opinion concurs that the name ‘Redskins’ is an insult to Native Americans. For the team owners to persist in swimming against the tide of history in this matter can only lead to bad results.”

Potential “bad results” that Reid claims to foresee include “massive lawsuits filed by aggrieved Native Americans, government seizing the team from the owners, and street riots like we’ve seen in Baltimore.”

Bush Would Use Obama Immigration Order to Extort Legislation from Congress

Potential candidate for president and former Governor of Florida JEB Bush told FOX News’ Megyn Kelly that “unlike some other GOP presidential contenders, I would not move to immediately undo President Obama’s executive action granting special privileges to illegal immigrants. Instead, I would refuse to revoke it until Congress passed appropriate enabling legislation. In any case, the American voter can count on me to see that legalizing those in this country illegally will go forward with or without legislation.”

Bush acknowledged the shaky legality of Obama’s executive action, but averred that “doing the right thing is more important than confining policy to narrowly circumscribed authority. I could not, in good conscience, do nothing simply because there is no statutory authority for the action I deem morally necessary.”

The candidate said he hoped “my willingness to go beyond what the law allows will help set me apart from those who would allow themselves to be limited by the constraints of immoral laws. The American people need a leader who is not afraid to stake out new ground and to chart a path that others can follow. Congress will be invited to come along if they cooperate, but I will not allow them to apply the brakes to what needs to be done.”

In related news, JEB characterized his endorsement of big brother George’s Iraq War as “basic self-preservation. When we were growing up George always used to bully me if I crossed him. It didn’t matter whether he was right or wrong. If he didn’t get what he wanted he’d beat me up.”

While it would seem that the era of big brother George beating up little brother JEB must have long passed, the younger Bush alleges that “emotional scarring led to my knee-jerk statement in support of my brother’s invasion of Iraq. I’m just hoping that every little brother who votes will understand my reaction and forgive my fumbling of this issue. For the record, knowing what we know now, it’s clear that Syria is the place we should invade.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

State Department Declines to Pursue Influence Peddling Allegations

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnSuspicion that former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton may have been involved in questionable financial transactions between foreign governments and the Clinton Foundation was brushed aside as a “matter of no interest” by Department spokesman Jeff Rathke.

Secretary Clinton has assured us that there were no improprieties,” Rathke said. “We ‘d have to have some concrete proof before we ‘d undertake any moves that could impugn her integrity. Now that her private server has been erased it doesn’t look like there could ever be any concrete proof.”

Personally, I find it hard to believe that a woman who has dedicated here life to public service could be influenced by any amount of money to deviate from pursuing the public good,” Rathke added. “Besides, the Clintons are already quite wealthy. They’d have no need to engage in anything so sordid as taking bribes in exchange for favorable policies or actions by the State Department.”

Rathke’s views appeared to conflict with those of State Department Assistant Secretary Joyce Barr who characterized Clinton’s use of a private server for official business as “not acceptable” in testimony at a Senate Judiciary hearing. Sen. John Cornyn (R-Texas) used a bit stronger language saying Clinton’s actions “amounted to a premeditated and deliberate violation of the law.”

Lawyers for Clinton rejected these allegations and contended that “the private server gave the nation an added layer of security. A government server would have been vulnerable to a ‘freedom of information’ disclosure of its contents, but her private server could be and was simply erased—protecting vital secrets from unwarranted prying.”

In related news, Hillary Clinton’s campaign declined to disclose who its major donors are. Campaign Manager Robbie Mook said “revelation of the names of key donors will remain confidential. The only reason why people demand to know names is so they can try to intimidate these donors and deny the candidate the resources she needs to fight for the rights of everyday Americans. Anonymity is an important protection with significant historical precedence. We will resist all efforts to breach this protection.”

Black Panther Leaders Say More White People Need to Get Hurt

Spokesmen for the New Black Panther Party called for actions designed to “put the hurt on white people” as a means for “addressing centuries of oppression of Black folks.”

Former national chairman of the New Black Panther Party and current national president of Black Lawyers for Justice, Malik Zulu Shabazz, urged Baltimore rioters to “strike back in self-defense against the police. The Mayor invited the victims of oppression to take revenge and reparations against the society that has harmed them. Those who stand in the way have no one to blame but themselves if they get hurt.”

New Black Panther Party, Chief of Staff Michelle Williams and King Samir Shabazz, upped the ante by calling on rioters “to firebomb nurseries so that they can kill as many white babies as possible.” Shabazz characterized this as “the most effective way to make our case. Pulling white people out of their homes, skinning them alive, and dragging them behind trucks is what they deserve, but it’s too risky. Some of these whites have guns, but none of the white babies can fight back and the deaths of these innocents will cause the most pain to our white oppressors.”

In related news, Islamic Imam Anjem Choudary claimed it is his “Constitutional right to publicly urge Muslims to murder Pamela Geller for hosting a blasphemous draw Mohammed contest. Under the US Constitution my right to practice my religion is guaranteed. My religion condemns all disrespect for the Prophet and prescribes death for anyone who violates this command. I cannot be prohibited from proclaiming this tenet of our doctrine. Neither can any Muslim be legally prohibited from slaughtering the blasphemer.”

White House Against GOP Attempts to Restrict How Iran Spends Released Funds

A component of the forthcoming agreement between the US and Iran on nuclear weapons development is the US release of Iranian funds that have been frozen in US banks. GOP critics of the agreement fear that these funds will be used to aid terrorist attacks in the Middle East and elsewhere.

Press Secretary Josh Earnest mocked these fears as “paranoid delusions. It would make no sense for the Iranians to besmirch the rapport our two countries have worked so hard to achieve by ‘stabbing us in the back’ with such a duplicitous response to our generosity.”

Earnest cited “the historic precedent set by President Franklin Roosevelt’s policy of giving Stalin everything he wanted while asking nothing in return as evidence that trusting Iran to do the right thing will work out over the long run. Stalin did everything we could have hoped for when FDR extended this trust in their intentions.”

Earnest brushed off Stalin’s initiation of the Iron Curtain and the Cold War as “a predictable reaction to Truman’s post-war anti-communist policies. It was Truman who sent aid to Europe under the Marshall Plan with the express purpose of helping these war-torn nations resist communist inroads. This direct challenge to the Soviet Union’s interests provoked Stalin’s hostility. Today’s GOP mistrust of Iran threatens to repeat Truman’s errors.”

Iranian Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei rejected the idea that any conditions could be attached to how his country spends the released funds. “We are a sovereign nation,” Khamenei said. “How we handle our funds is no one else’s business.”

Educational Standards Demanding Hard Work Called Discriminatory

California’s Pacific Educational Group (PEG) denounced educational standards that require students to study and work hard in order to graduate as “discrimination against Black students.”

PEG co-chair Kenneth K. Knowlton asserted that “Blacks are less likely to respond to fundamental ideas like working hard to achieve success, or being on time for school or work. The notion that such attitudes ought to be instilled in every student is a racist endeavor that seeks to submerge this vital subculture.”

What’s more, the contention that hard work is a key to success is belied by reality,” Knowlton maintained. “A significant segment of the Black subculture has learned to survive on government benefit programs that do not require hard work. Adapting to these programs is a viable low-energy route to reasonably comfortable subsistence in our society. In terms of return on investment or effort it is very efficient. A school’s attempt to divert students from this efficient path does them a disservice.”

A statistic bolstering Knowlton’s claims was obtained from a Department of Agriculture study indicating that 40% of the people on Food Stamps are obese—a finding that Knowlton contended “debunks the old-fashioned thinking that warns of the privation awaiting those who don’t put forth the effort to support themselves.”

In related news, British academic Adam Swift charged that “parents who read to their children are giving them an unfair advantage over children whose parents are unable or unwilling to read to their children. Evidence shows that the difference between those who get bedtime stories and those who don’t – the difference in their life chances – is bigger than the difference between those who get elite private schooling and those that don’t. For the sake of equality of opportunity we ought to figure out a way to interdict this type of selfish behavior.”

Swift lamented the improbability for success “as long as children are entrusted to the care of their own parents. If all children could be separated from their parents at an early age and raised by childcare professionals, a more uniform experience would be more easily ensured. All or none could be read to as seems most conducive to the collective well-being of society.”

ACLU Calls Surveillance of Baltimore Riots an “Invasion of Privacy”

The American Civil Liberties Union demanded an end to the use of government drone aircraft to “spy” on those looting and burning buildings in Baltimore.

Persons walking the streets should not be faced with such an intrusive violation of their privacy,” declared ACLU spokesman Bertram Petty. “Officials need to present a ‘probable cause’ case to observe a specific individual suspected of a specific crime. They have no authority for a general surveillance of an entire city.”

Petty also questioned whether the looting and burning would even qualify as crimes, per se. “The title to the property being removed from the businesses is unclear,” Petty argued. “Some of the ancestors of the current white business owners were surely slaveholders. The wealth passed down to them was obtained by the exploitation of the ancestors of some of the current looters. On top of this, any pain they may have suffered from seeing their businesses burn can’t possibly exceed the pain suffered by slaves who were whipped or worse by their white masters.”

President Obama endorsed the ACLU move. “The unrest in places like Baltimore and Ferguson are the natural consequences of white indifference to the plight of Black men,” Obama asserted. “Shut out of lucrative employment by racial discrimination Black men have no alternative but to resort to crime just to make a living. Taking the initiative to sell drugs or steal property puts them at risk of being shot by police. This perpetuates the racial injustices that have stained America’s history.”

The president issued a call for “a nationwide mobilization to reverse inequalities and redistribute the nation’s wealth more fairly among all its people. If victims of injustice could have confidence that the government would redistribute wealth they would have no need to attempt an ad hoc redistribution through looting.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

House Speaker Pleads for Hillary to Turn Over Computer Server

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnA new slew of allegations has emerged implying that the Clinton Foundation may have accepted bribes in exchange for Hillary to use her Secretary of State status to influence government policy. An example of possible influence peddling was her support for Russia’s acquisition of a major stake in American uranium mining.

It looks like she violated the law, and the idea that she was going to use her own server and do official business on it goes against every transparency issue that the President likes to tout,” House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) observed. “She should turn that server and all those documents over to the Inspector General, at the State Department.”

Boehner said he is undecided on whether he will ask the House to subpoena the server. “On the one hand, I think the American people have a right to know the facts,” Boehner said. “On the other hand, compelling the handover of this equipment might create the impression that the Clintons are criminals. They’re good people and I am reluctant to repay their long years of public service by using tactics that would be applied to ordinary suspects in a criminal case.”

White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest acknowledged that “the former Secretary appears not to have honored her agreement with the President to keep everything above board. I mean, she explicitly forswore accepting donations from foreign governments while she served as Secretary of State. Nevertheless, I can’t see any point in subpoenaing her server. She’s already assured us that it has been wiped clean. Since any potential evidence is now gone it would be pointless to continue to pursue a fruitless inquiry.”

Clinton campaign spokesman, Brian Fallon, while carefully avoiding any explicit acknowledgment of guilt, attempted to make lemonade out of the latest allegations by asserting that “the supposed incompatibility of what’s good for the Clintons and what’s good for America could be resolved by reinstalling the former First Family in the White House. If the Clintons were in charge of all of America they’d have an incentive to try to carry out policies that would enrich all of America. It is their exile from power that necessitates their aggressive pursuit of self interest. Faced with the insecurities of living as private citizens they are subject to the same temptations of greed that have dragged down so many others.”

Kerry Blasts Government’s Critics for Undermining Prosperity

Speaking Tuesday at the 45th Annual Washington Conference of the Council of the Americas, Secretary of State John Kerry blamed the Obama Administration’s critics for undermining the country’s economy.

Countries are far more likely to advance economically and socially when citizens have faith in their governments and are able to rely on them for justice and equal treatment under the law,” Kerry maintained. “Yet, day-after-day President Obama faces a raft of criticism of his policies from the likes of Senator Cruz, Governor Walker, and others. These criticisms are destroying people’s faith in the government.”

Kerry cited a recent Pew Research Center study finding that only 23% of Americans trust the federal government to do the right thing at least most of the time as “evidence of the pernicious impacts these chronic critics of progressive policies are having. If trust in government is low, people will be deterred from investing, working, and earning. If people aren’t investing, working, and earning there will be less activity that can be taxed and government will lack the resources to guarantee everyone’s prosperity.”

The Secretary expressed doubt that “there is any legal way we can prevent this costly criticism,” but held out hope that “President Obama might come up with some sort of ameliorating executive action that could at least mute the worst of some of these damaging aspersions on the wisdom, ethics, and character of the President.”

IRS Admits Taxpayer Help Was Skimpy this Year

IRS Commissioner John Koskinen acknowledged that the number of employees assigned to assist taxpayers understand and file tax returns for 2014 was “less than it could’ve been.” Statistics bear out his assessment. It is estimated than less than half of those who phoned the IRS to ask for help actually got through. And of those who did many waited on hold for more than 30 minutes before speaking to an IRS agent.

Koskinen defended the shortage of taxpayer help, saying that “we had higher priorities. For one, we had to implement the penalty enforcement phase of the Affordable Care Act. This new responsibility consumed resources that previously were allocated to the taxpayer help line.”

The reallocation of resources away from taxpayer help to enforcing Obamacare aggravated problems caused by previous years’ reallocation of resources to the investigation and prevention of conservative organizations from obtaining tax exemptions in the run up to the 2012 elections.

We can’t do everything on the limited budget we have,” Koskinen complained. “We have to decide what’s important and what isn’t. Babysitting taxpayers while they grapple with tax forms wasn’t important compared to the other needs we faced. If taxpayers find our forms too difficult—well, that’s what commercially available tax preparation services like H&R Block are for.”

GM Pushes to Make “Unauthorized” Auto Repair Illegal

Contending that modern automobiles contain computer programs that entail trade secrets and are too complex to be touched by do-it-yourself car buffs, the General Motors Corporation is urging the government to make unauthorized auto repair illegal. It won’t take an Act of Congress to accomplish this objective. A mere reinterpretation of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA) would do the trick.

GM spokesman Lee Hunsacker asserted that “letting just anyone look under the hood is archaic in our day and age. What if they mess something up? The victims of any subsequent crashes will sue us. We are the deep-pocket manufacturers of these vehicles. We ought to have the right to protect ourselves by vetting who works on our cars.”

Not wanting to be left out, the John Deere Corporation demanded that the ban on unauthorized service and repair also be extended to farm tractors. “If we don’t clamp down on who is allowed to work on our vehicles people might tamper with the computer system and use it to pirate music without paying royalties,” claimed Henry Morgan, VP for customer relations.

Newly named Attorney General Loretta Lynch is reportedly drafting an executive action memo that would apply the DMCA to motor vehicles for President Obama to sign. This would empower manufacturers to issue cease-and-desist orders to anyone suspected of attempting to repair one of their vehicles without the express permission of the manufacturer.

ACLU Says Catholic Organizations Must Be Compelled to Fund Abortions

The American Civil Liberties Union has filed suit demanding that religious organizations be compelled to provide abortions and contraception to illegal immigrants.

Whether to bear a child or not is a woman’s right under our laws,” said ACLU staff attorney Brigitte Amiri. “No religious organization has the authority to infringe on this right. For Catholic aid organizations to refuse to pay for birth control and abortions is an infringement. Forcing a woman to bear an unwanted child is, as President Obama has said, cruel and unusual punishment. It is unconstitutional and cannot be allowed.”

Rules derived from a mythical being cannot supersede rules emanating from our nation’s legal processes,” Amiri continued. “For government to sit by idly while divergent religious views lead to divergent behaviors and outcomes would be intolerable. It is government’s duty to ensure that uniform rules are applied and obeyed.”

The only way the Catholic Church can avoid its duty to provide birth control services to its clients is to cease serving them entirely,” Amiri argued. “If they want to be in the business of rescuing refugees they must abide by the rules the government has laid out for them.”

In related news, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton promised that “if I’m elected, eradicating deep seated religious and cultural beliefs that stand in the way of transforming social norms will be among my highest of priorities. Women must be freed from the bondage of unwanted motherhood and from the economic burden of having to support their children if they choose to become mothers.”

Cleveland City Council: Gun Control Needed Whether It Works or Not

Cleveland City Council President Kevin Kelley (D) urged fellow council members to pass a sweeping gun-control ordinance despite doubts that it would be effective or enforceable. “Will this measure stop gun violence?” Kelley asked. “Probably not, but it is important that we pass it as a reflection of our values.”

A key provision of the new ordinance is that it prohibits carrying a concealed deadly weapon or handgun, unless the person is a police officer or a bonafide criminal. Kelley conceded that “this provision might seem paradoxical, but we feel it greatly simplifies and clarifies the situation. If you are not a police officer, yet you still have a gun you are, ipso facto, a bonafide criminal and the police may use deadly force against you at their discretion. It would effectively abolish the concept of armed persons ever being the victims of excessive use of force by members of the Police Department. The savings on lawsuits avoided will be huge.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Bipartisan Plea for Lynch Confirmation

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnPresident Obama’s nominee for Attorney General, Loretta Lynch, received a vote of support from both media star Al Sharpton and former Florida Governor Jeb Bush this week. Her confirmation has been held up by Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ken) in protest over Obama’s executive grant of amnesty to millions of illegal immigrants.

Sharpton labeled McConnell’s actions “racist. Keeping a Black woman from rising up to take her rightful place is a continuation of the hundreds of years of oppression of African Americans in this country. They let a white woman hold this job when Bill Clinton was president. For them not to extend the same courtesy to a Black woman is just shameful.”

Bush took a more nuanced stance saying that “while I doubt that the Republican opposition to Ms. Lynch can be totally attributed to racism, it could be construed as such by the media. Rather than having this monkey on my or any Republican’s back as the GOP strives to win the 2016 presidential election, it would be much more convenient if Lynch were simply approved as AG.”

Besides, as a matter of principle, I believe that it’s the President’s prerogative to have anyone he chooses to serve in his cabinet,” Bush added. “I certainly would expect such deference to me if I were president. If you ask me, to violate this basic courtesy on the rather flimsy grounds that President Obama may have exceeded his authority on the amnesty thing isn’t the way we should be running this country. Do we really want to set a precedent of denying a president the option of bypassing Congress when circumstances warrant it? Would we want such a rigid adherence to the Constitution if a Republican was in the Oval Office?”

To help press home their seriousness on the issue Sharpton and Bush vowed to do more than just offer words of support for Lynch. Sharpton announced a partial hunger strike and swore off sushi until Lynch is confirmed. In contrast, Bush says he “will eat nothing but Mexican food, which I will cook myself—unlike a certain other public figure who has to get hers from Chipotle. I will prove that I am the authentic Hispanic presidential candidate in the 2016 race and simultaneously express my solidarity with the plight of the immigrant.”

In related news, Lynch rebuffed the idea that the Department of Justice ought to investigate former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s emails. “As I understand it, all of these emails were sent from or received on Secretary Clinton’s private server,” Lynch observed. “Well, the Fourth Amendment to the Constitution bars government from intruding into private communications. As far as I am concerned this case is closed.”

Judge Rules Cops May Seize Your Home to Use as a Fort

When a neighbor was engaged in a domestic dispute, Henderson, Nevada police demanded that Anthony Mitchell allow them to use his home as a fort and command center in order to gain a tactical advantage in their efforts to cope with the situation. Mitchell refused, but police battered down his door, pepper sprayed him, and put him in jail for the duration.

Mitchell sued contending that this home invasion by the police violated his constitutional rights under both the Third and Fourth Amendments to the US Constitution. Federal district court Judge Andrew Gordon dismissed Mitchell’s Fourth Amendment argument, saying that “the Constitution guarantees against ‘unreasonable seizure.’ In this instance, the police had a reasonable need to occupy the home. The damages they did to Mitchell’s home could’ve been avoided if he had simply obeyed the commands he was given.”

Mitchell should consider himself lucky he only had to spend one night in jail,” Gordon added. “He could’ve been shot. For all the police knew, the whole neighborhood could’ve been a terrorist enclave. Many Americans own guns and have excessive and erroneous notions about their so-called rights.”

Gordon was even harsher toward Mitchell’s Third Amendment argument. “The whole ‘troop quartering’ thing applied to British troops,” Gordon maintained. “Since no British troops were involved, Mitchell’s line of reasoning is totally irrelevant to this case.”

President Says ISIS Camp in Mexico Vindicates His Amnesty Policy

President Obama says that evidence that the Islamic State has opened a training camp in Mexico, just a few miles from El Paso on the Texas border, vindicates his decision to grant expedited amnesty to illegal immigrants from Latin America.

We’ve all seen the atrocities these terrorists are capable of,” the President observed. “Who can blame Mexicans for fleeing? To deny these refugees sanctuary would be inhumane. To deport them would be cruel and unusual punishment. To delay their integration into our society merely on the grounds that Congress has failed to enact the necessary legislation would be barbaric.”

Obama ruled out the possibility of any aggressive action aimed at neutralizing the ISIS threat near El Paso, claiming “it would be an unconscionable intrusion on Mexico’s sovereignty. We have a duty to respect Mexico’s border. We can’t just brush this aside because the presence of jihadis so close to America makes us uncomfortable. If some of those living in Texas feel unsafe they are free to move elsewhere.”

Administration Remains Undaunted by Obamacare Setbacks

The Obama Administration remained undaunted by yet another court ruling against its attempts to compel religious groups to fund abortion coverage in their health insurance plans. Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito issued an order preventing the Obama Administration from forcing religious groups in Pennsylvania to pay for abortion-causing drugs mandated by the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS). The Supreme Court had previously blocked HHS from imposing similar mandates on the Little Sisters of the Poor, Hobby Lobby, Wheaton College, and the University of Notre Dame.

That the Administration would repeatedly attempt this type of coercion caused Lori Windham, Senior Counsel for the Becket Fund for Religious Liberty, to wonder “how many times must the government lose in court before it gets the message?”

HHS Secretary Sylvia Burwell denied that her Department’s actions were as futile as Windham implied. “Every time we order an organization to comply they must obey or take us to court,” Burwell said. “Fighting us costs them time and money. Granted, some large organizations can afford to wriggle out of the trap by such means. However, many others are too small, too poor, or too intimidated to make the effort. They obey. So, inch-by-inch we are gaining ground. Eventually, all opposition to our health care reforms will crushed.”

In related news, Democratic National Committee Chair Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (Fla) assailed Republican presidential candidate Senator Rand Paul’s (R-Ken) for supporting any limitation on a woman’s right to abort her child as an “enemy of liberty” and called his pro-life stance “savage.” “Paul would place the interests of a 7-lb. unborn baby ahead of those of a living, breathing woman,” she complained. “This is not a modern way of thinking and he’s a fool if he thinks his position gives him a better chance of being elected president. Obviously, he hasn’t done the math. The women whose liberty he wants to infringe are eligible to vote. The babies he wants to save are not. He has cooked his own goose.”

Hillary Blames Rich for Ruining America

In her bid to portray herself as the champion of the average American, millionaire presidential candidate Hillary Clinton is lambasting the wealthiest 1% for the impoverishment of the other 99%. It is, she says, “outrageous that the CEO of a major corporation makes 300 times the annual salary of its lowest paid employee.”

Clinton’s argument is ironic since her hourly rate for public speaking is 16,000 times the $15 hourly rate that she says ought to be the legal minimum wage. If CEOs are overpaid, former Secretary of State Clinton would appear to be obscenely overpaid.

According to Mrs. Clinton, though, the comparison isn’t fair because “unlike corporate CEOs I haven’t spent my career grubbing for money. I’ve been engaged in governing—the highest service one human being of superior capabilities can contribute to humanity. My $250,000 speaking fees are the deferred reward of a life of public service. I earned them. They are rightfully mine.”

In any case, I want every voter to know that when I am president the inequities of capitalism will be rectified,” Clinton promised. “We will take things away from those who have too much. Selfish self-indulgence will be replaced by socially determined collective investment for the good of the whole. We can’t make everyone rich, but we can make everyone equal and finally realize the dream laid out in the Declaration of Independence.”

In related news, reports that the so-called typical Americans that Clinton is meeting on the campaign trail have been “pre-screened” before they are allowed to approach her were pooh-poohed by former Vermont Governor Howard Dean (D): “If her staff lets just anybody talk to her there is no guarantee that it will be a representative sample of typical Americans. People with atypical views could disrupt the process and take the campaign off message. By weeding out the unsuited this can be prevented.”

Dean also defended the confiscation of cameras and cell phones from those visiting with the candidate. “A person has the right to control the use of her image,” Dean said. “Anyone wanting a picture of Hillary can pay the standard $1,000 fee and the campaign will give him or her an autographed photo.”