Category Archives: John Semmens

John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) sought to absolve President Obama from any blame in the burgeoning plume of scandals surrounding his Administration by forcefully asserting that “he doesn’t necessarily know anything about any agency of the federal government.”

The Congresswoman brushed off reports that IRS Commissioner Doug Shulman visited the Obama White House 118 times over a two year period during which conservative groups were targeted as indicative of anything. “The White House is a big place,” Pelosi said. “Just because Mr. Shulman and President Obama were in the building doesn’t necessarily mean that they met. And even if they had, it doesn’t prove that they discussed tax matters. I understand Shulman says he was there for the Easter Egg roll.”

Pelosi also dismissed the idea that a chief executive has to take responsibility for the actions of his appointed minions, calling former President Truman’s famous “the buck stops here” “worthless political grandstanding. A successful chief executive always has a pre-planned escape route. It is the underling’s responsibility to step forward and take the blame. It’s like sacrificing a pawn to save the king in a game of chess. In fact, the sacrificed pawns should be grateful that they have the opportunity to play a role in advancing the President’s agenda.”

In related news, Representative Elijah Cummings (D-Md) worries that the exposure of IRS abuses may have a chilling effect on IRS bureaucrats. “People loyally trying to carry out the wishes of the President should not have to fear repercussions for doing as they are told,” Cummings asserted. “As long as they are just following orders or genuinely taking actions they believe the President would want them to take they ought to be immune from penalties or further scrutiny.”

Gitmo Inmates to Be Transferred

Seeking to dampen criticism of his handling of the War on Terror and the Internal Revenue Service’s selective intrusion into the views of his political opponents, President Obama announced that the detention center at Guantanamo would be closed and it’s inmates “redistributed as seems most appropriate.”

While it is expected that a majority of the detainees will be repatriated to the Middle Eastern Hell-holes from whence they came, those with exemplary skills are likely to be transferred to positions within the IRS.

“The fact that people are openly criticizing the IRS is the best evidence we have that it has failed in its mission,” Obama said. “Obviously, the fear of being harassed and audited is insufficient to induce the level of compliance needed. If properly armed and aimed the most fanatical of the Gitmo detainees could ramp up the pressure to levels that only the tiniest few could resist.”

The President sought to reassure that “those in full compliance with IRS directives need have no concerns for their own safety. The Gitmo detainees will be working under the close supervision of higher authorities under my control. Only those who have deviated from the required path will be targeted.”

In related news, Larry Conners, an anchorman for KMOV in St. Louis, was fired for publicly questioning whether the IRS targeted him after he asked President Obama some tough questions in an interview last year. KMOV president and general manager Mark Pimentel called the firing “a simple precautionary move. There’s no sense in us exposing everyone at KMOV to possible IRS retaliation. Better safe than sorry.”

Weiner Challenges Rivals to Be More Forthcoming

Former Congressman Anthony Weiner challenged his competitors for New York City Mayor “to put their packages out there for Voters to see. As everyone knows, I’ve gone far beyond the bounds of what a typical candidate is willing to do to inform voters about my qualifications.”

Weiner who resigned from Congress after getting caught sending lewd photos of himself to women asserted that he has “learned from that mistake. I resigned before considering the full nuances of the reaction. This time there’ll be no holding back. Rather than limit my sexting to a narrowly constrained few I will bare all for all the voters. The people of New York deserve to know what kind of man they’re getting for their mayor. With me there’ll be no secrets. Are any of my opponents willing to be as open?”

The candidate hinted that more lewd photos may come out, but did not expressly commit to a schedule for when or where they might appear saying that “my opponents can avoid humiliation by dropping out of the race.”

Kerry Says Israeli Prosperity “an Impediment to Peace”

US Secretary of State John Kerry complains that Israeli economic prosperity stands as “an impediment to achieving peace in the region.”

“On the one hand, it is a constant ‘in-your-face’ reminder to the Palestinians and their supporters that Jews are better off than they are,” Kerry explained. “It’s an insult that inspires a sense of grievance amongst the poorer Muslim and Arab communities.”

“On the other hand, it serves as a persistent temptation,” Kerry added. “The idea of killing the Jews and taking their money and property becomes an irresistible urge. Killing and robbing a Jew seems less onerous than trying to build a business, learn a trade, or work hard to make a living.”

Kerry advised the Israeli Government “to implement policies to even out the disparities. A broad redistribution of wealth would serve the dual purpose of immediately assuaging Palestian feelings of inadequacy, while simultaneously acting to moderate the recompense to historically powerful inclinations of Jewish avarice.”

Israeli President Shimon Peres rejected Kerry’s advice calling it “the kind of time-worn, run-of-the-mill anti-Semitism Jews have been battling against for more than two thousand years.”

Ohio Secretary of State Insists Vote Fraud “Not Epidemic”

Ohio Secretary of State Jon Husted tried to reassure voters that the 135 possible voter fraud cases his office is pursuing do not constitute “an epidemic.”

“We feel confident that the majority of elections are probably decided in an honest fashion,” Husted said. “To believe otherwise would lead to truly frightening conclusions. We’d rather not go there. I mean, if people lose faith in elections how will we choose who will govern? Living with a little corruption is surely better than undermining the whole premise of democracy, isn’t it?”

Criticizing Obama “Offensive” Says Aide

Daniel Pfeiffer, Senior Advisor to the President for Strategy and Communications, denounced criticism of President Obama in strident terms this past week, calling critics “uppity.”

“Here we have the leader of the free world, a Nobel Prize winner, being accosted by people unfit to lick his boots,” Pfeiffer complained. “How low has our civilization sunk that such effrontery is tolerated?”

Pfeiffer labeled inquiries about Benghazi, the IRS and phone taps of reporters “fishing expeditions. They think they’re going to find some ‘smoking gun’ linking the President to one or more of these incidents in some substantive way. Well, I’m telling you it’s not going to happen. The President has insulated himself from culpability for whatever may occur. There are strict rules about who may tell the President what that ensure he will honestly be able to disavow all knowledge of what is going on.”

“On top of this he has an enormously wide array of options for eliminating disloyal and uncooperative elements both inside and outside his Administration,” Pfeiffer pointed out. “Those chafing over getting hassled by the IRS ought to consider themselves lucky that sterner measures weren’t used against them.”

“It all comes down to whether people are going to show proper respect for the President,” Pfeiffer concluded. “We cannot sit by and allow the office and the great man who occupies it to undergo the type of heedless questioning of its authority that we have seen over the last few weeks. Rest assured that the President will do whatever it takes to assert and wield that authority. The alternative is too scary to contemplate.”

McCain Hammers GOP for Impeding Dems’ Agenda

Maverick Senator John McCain (R-Az) lashed out at his Republican colleagues in Congress for actions he says “go too far.” The tiff arose over Democrat maneuvers to raise the debt ceiling.

“It’s alright to express an opinion and have a debate, but in the end we’ve still got to let the Democrats govern,” McCain insisted. “Repeated efforts to stymie legislation we don’t like is downright uncollegial.”

The Arizona Senator discounted arguments that Democrats make no effort to be collegial from their side saying that “two wrongs don’t make a right. Didn’t your parents teach you that? Didn’t Jesus bid us to turn the other cheek? That’s all I’m suggesting here.”

“It’s not as if the substance of this issue is crucial,” McCain argued. “What difference does it really make whether we raise the debt ceiling? The Government is never going to be able to pay that money back anyway. Why get our panties in a wad over it? It’s just a lot of useless motion without result.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

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John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

President Obama’s Press Secretary Jay Carney bristled at the suggestion the Administration is embroiled in three major scandals. “What scandals?” Carney demanded to know. “The President has been giving his utmost to this country and now people are trying to package a run of bad luck into a series of scandals? It’s unfair.”

The “run of bad luck,” as Carney sees it, is “a media that is paying undue attention to relatively minor screw-ups by low level employees. Rather than being lauded for his efforts to employ a broader range of the ‘differently- abled,’ the president is now pilloried for the missteps of a few unworthy servants. It’s the greatest miscarriage of justice I’ve ever had the displeasure of seeing.”

To bolster his case, Carney pointed to outgoing IRS Commissioner Steve Miller assessment that the targeting of conservative groups “were foolish mistakes by well-meaning staffers who independently over reacted to President Obama’s characterization of his political opponents as ‘enemies’ with ‘nefarious plans’ against this country. And let’s not forget that Commissioner Miller pointed out that targeting conservative groups for extra scrutiny and rigorous enforcement is purely a matter of discretion. There is no law that says the IRS cannot use whatever criteria it deems useful in selecting how to focus its energies.”

Carney added that a report from CBS’ Sharyl Attkisson citing undisclosed sources within the Obama Administration laid the blame for the Benghazi mess on “the idiocy of key personnel” “also lends support to the idea that the president is, perhaps, the biggest victim in this unfortunate incident. We’ll grant that others may have suffered, but he has clearly suffered more.”

The third scandal involving Administration efforts to impede freedom of the press by tapping phone lines was attributed to the Department of Justice’s “uncomprehending stupidity.” “The media are our allies in the movement for progressive causes,” Carney contended. “The President knows this. That, by itself, must exonerate him from any responsibility for any intimidation that may have resulted.”

“When you look at the big picture, it’s indisputable that no previous president has been so ill-served by those under him,” Carney complained. “President Obama has been kept in the dark by a virtual conspiracy of incompetent and possibly malicious forces. His perseverance under such circumstances can only be seen as heroic. Instead of talking about impeachment Congress ought to be creating expanded powers for him so he will have the latitude he needs to right the ship of state.”

Carney’s vision of an embattled president beset by bad luck and worse underlings was endorsed by House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) who accused the GOP of “concocting bogus allegations against the president as a means of distracting the voters from his unparralleled greatness. The ones we should be investigating are the disloyal employees who have turned on their own government for self-aggrandizement as so-called whistle blowers and the members of the media who give credence to their false narratives.”

In related news, Sarah Hall Ingram, the IRS official who ran the operation targeting conservative groups has been promoted to head up the IRS Affordable Care Act Division where she will oversee enforcement of the provisions of Obamacare. Ingram says she relishes “the opportunity to inject a much needed attention to the ‘social justice’ element as a major determinant for allocating scarce health care resources.”

Planned Parenthood Ad Campaign Breaks New Ground

Planned Parenthood’s new advertisement asserting that aborted babies will thank their would-be mothers evidences a shift to macabre honesty in the organization’s messaging.

“There’s nothing worse for a child than being unwanted,” claimed PP spokeswoman Adora Slaughter. “Add to this the burdensome tedium of motherhood and you have a formula that maximizes unhappiness. Abortion rescues all the participants from this fate.”

“Previously, we have invested almost all our energy on advising women to carefully consider the responsibilities they could avoid by aborting a potential child they don’t want,” Slaughter said. “I mean, having a baby you don’t want is like an 18-year sentence to hard labor. There’s the pain of childbirth, then the feeding, diapering, and constant supervision that tells a woman ‘your life is not your own.’ But anti-abortion agitators have been making inroads advancing a ‘benefit to the child’ line of argument. Our new campaign is taking that argument on and refuting its false logic.”

“Studies show that unwanted children are more likely to be victims of parental neglect and abuse,” Slaughter observed. “Worse yet, many of these neglected and abused children go on to lives of crime and degradation. Our new ad urges expectant mothers to weigh these negatives before being emotionally seduced into a misguided notion that going to term with an unwanted pregnancy is somehow more humane than a quick abortion. The gratitude of both a child spared an unworthy life and a society relieved of its consequences merit consideration.”

Slaughter dismissed the possible suffering of the aborted baby as “gruesome, but mercifully brief. Being dismembered in the womb is over in a matter of minutes. Even if the fetus can feel pain it is momentary compared to the full lifetime of pain that the unwanted child must face. No, abortion is the kinder choice.”

In related news, the conviction of Kermit Gosnell for murdering three babies who survived his attempt to legally abort them inspired Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) to call for more federal aid to fund abortions. “As it stands, the most remunerative fields for doctors are neurosurgery and cardiology, so that’s where the best talent goes,” Reid said. “If there were a bigger payoff for performing abortions we’d get doctors with the skills to legally kill the fetuses before they emerge from their mothers’ bodies. Then they wouldn’t have to be stabbed to death by clumsy incompetents like Gosnell.”

Key Dem Says Government Unmanageably Big

Presidential adviser David Axelrod sought to deflect blame for the scandals swirling around President Obama by pointing out that “as it stands today, government is unmanageably big. The responsibilities and scope of action are so enormous that no human being or even team of humans could possibly govern effectively.”

Axelrod hastened to clarify that “I’m not joining the ranks of the ‘smaller government’ crowd. That would be irresponsible. Government has a moral obligation to meet the needs of the people. It can’t shirk this obligation just because its attainment is impossible.”

The very impossibility of the task was held to be further proof by Axelrod that “we must maintain course. The President may be scorned, but he is the only one who can be trusted to continue to push for this agenda no matter how hopeless and to strive with his last ounce of courage no matter how unreachable the goal. I can think of no one else who could replace him.”

“Failing to achieve an impossible dream is, in my opinion, much to be preferred over succeeding in a more modest endeavor,” Axelrod argued. “A glorious failure will be remembered long after a hundred modest successes are forgotten by our historians. There is no one more suitable than President Obama if our era is to be a memorable one.”

In related news, Press Secretary Jay Carney rejected comparing Obama to Nixon. “Look, Nixon wimped out,” Carney said. “He said he didn’t want to put the country through the pain of an impeachment proceeding. President Obama will not resign no matter what. He will, like President Clinton, hang tough. With a Democratic majority in the Senate there’s no way the GOP can convict him. The idea he can be held accountable is DOA.”

New Speech Rules Expand Sexual Harassment Offenses

A new set of rules imposed on educational institutions by the US Departments of Justice and Education threaten to make every student vulnerable to charges of sexual harassment. The new rules condemn “any unwelcome conduct of a sexual nature.”

Examples of offenses include Joe asks Sue for a date. Sue regards this request as unwelcome conduct of a sexual nature. Mike overhears two classmates privately denigrating homosexual behavior. Mike regards this as unwelcome conduct of a sexual nature. Persons engaged in this unwelcome conduct are liable to be penalized.

US Secretary of Education Arne Duncan acknowledged that “such a broad net will entrap students in what most people would consider either innocent social interactions or protected free speech. If this sends a message that deters students from dating or engaging in salacious conversations is that really so bad? Students should focus on their studies. Dating detracts from that. And discussions on topics of a sexual nature should not be conducted in places where they can be overheard.”

Schools that are insufficiently zealous in enforcing these new rules may forfeit federal aid. “I know the penalties that could be levied against academic institutions sound harsh,” Duncan admitted. “But we consider the issue to be serious enough to warrant taking a stern hand in what is said and done in schools receiving our support.”

Duncan professed indifference to the negative impact this might have on the desire to attend college. “I recently read that 85% of those going to college are wasting their time and money anyway,” Duncan recalled. “So, maybe booting out a few for unwelcome conduct wouldn’t be such a tragedy. If others are discouraged by one more hassle they have to face in school maybe they’ll get jobs and start paying the taxes government needs.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

Please do us a favor.  If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and do not change the context. Thank you.

John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Details on how Dr. Kermit Gosnell dispatched babies who survived late term abortions by “snipping their spinal cords” are as grisly as any contemporary “slasher film.” Unfortunately, the practice of disposing of such survivors by abortionists is not unusual.

Dr. Cesare Santangelo of Washington, D.C. was caught in an undercover video reassuring a prospective abortion procurer that “even if the fetus comes out alive we would not help it.” At Dr. Emily Women’s Health Center in New York City abortion survivors are drowned in “jars of solutions.”

National Abortion Federation President Vicki Saporta says “Gosnell’s main problem is his own incompetence. If the job is done right the fetus is killed before it gets outside the mother’s body. When there are no survivors there are no ‘gray areas’ where the appropriate actions are ambiguous.”

Planned Parenthood spokeswoman Adora Slaughter expressed consternation that “this whole Gosnell thing and now these undercover videos may muddle our thinking on this critical issue. Let’s not forget that the whole point of an abortion is to prevent a woman from giving birth to a child she does not want. That objective isn’t changed if the procedure doesn’t go as planned. Those who believe that just because a baby somehow escapes being terminated he should then be helped would inflict the burdens of rearing this child on an unwilling victim.”

Slaughter rejected contentions that abortionists are serial killers insisting instead that “they are trained professionals providing a highly desired service that is completely legal. The analogy that they are ‘hired hitmen’ is entirely inappropriate. Hitmen commit illegal killings for pay. That’s the crucial difference.”

Obamacare “Train Wreck” GOP’s Fault, Reid Says

Indications that President Obama’s Affordable Care Act (Obamacare), his signature legislative accomplishment, is turning into a fiasco of major proportions has Democrats uneasy.

A man instrumental in its enactment, Senate Finance Committee Chairman Max Baucus (D-Mont), labeled it a “train wreck. The implementation is a total shambles. It’s as if Secretary Sebelius has no idea of what she’s doing. She’s been quick to ensure that everyone is entitled to abortion coverage, but how the average person is supposed to cope with unforeseen medical contingencies is up in the air. On top of this, employers across the nation are cutting employees hours in order to evade their responsibility to pay for health insurance.”

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) laid the blame squarely on the GOP. “We did our part to create this new entitlement, it’s the Republicans’ turn to step up and vote for the funding needed to finance it,” Reid said.

That funding is needed contradicts the original script of the Democrats’ case for the legislation. It was supposed to be self-financing. It was supposed to save money. Neither of which now seems to be true. In fact, projections now show that the cost of health insurance is set to increase by 25% to 50% under the law.

While the rising costs of Obamacare is now the consensus view, the contention that it will improve health care also received some disconcerting contrary news. A study of the federal Medicaid program in Oregon revealed that while spending rose by 35% for eligible recipients, health outcomes did not improve. In the 18-month period studied, participants fared no better than non-participants.

Based on this study’s results, Avik Roy, Senior Fellow at the Manhattan Institute called it “unethical to take money from taxpayers to fund a program that doesn’t improve health outcomes.”

Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius disagreed. “Health outcomes aren’t the only metric with which we are concerned,” Sebelius asserted. “Taking money from those who have more than they need and spending it on those who have less is, in itself, a worthy goal. Just because a person is poor is no good reason for him to be denied the opportunity to have money spent on his behalf regardless of whether it does any good.”

AG Declares Kansas Gun Law “Null and Void”

In a bid to protect the state’s right to determine the laws that apply within its borders, the Kansas legislature enacted a law barring any federal intervention against Second Amendment rights in their state. Under the Kansas law, guns manufactured and sold within the state to residents who keep the guns within the state are immune to federal interference.

Not so says US Attorney General Eric Holder. “This state’s naked attempt to assert so-called Tenth Amendment prerogatives has no standing,” Holder insisted. “The notion that powers not expressly delegated to the federal government by the Constitution are somehow reserved to the states has been defunct since the Roosevelt Administration.”

“Despite what Governor Brownback and his legislature may think, federal laws and regulations override any and all state actions,” Holder continued. “Just because the manufacture, sale, and ownership of a gun may occur totally within the boundaries of a state is a meaningless distinction.”

Harvard Constitutional scholar, Professor Chester Cringely, came down strongly on Holder’s side on the issue. “While the plain language of the Constitution seems to say that powers not explicitly granted to the federal government are reserved to the states this is not how the Court has read the document,” Cringely observed. “If federal regulations can penalize a farmer for growing and consuming his crop on his own land, as the Court decided they could in Wickard v. Filburn, they certainly can penalize those involved in firearms transactions and use even if all parties and all actions take place solely within one state. As the law stands now, states can only do what the federal government allows them to do. Governors who defy the Feds do so at their own risk.”

Global Warming Will Force More Women into Prostitution

Representative Barbara Lee (D-Calif) warns that global warming will lead to an increase in sex-for-pay. As Lees sees it, higher temperatures will force women to wear skimpier clothing in an effort to endure the heat. More scantily clad women will induce more men to approach them with indecent propositions. The persistence of horny men and the lure of easy cash will be irresistible.

Lee admitted that she wasn’t sure what could be done to avert this calamity, but thought that “we ought to be looking at possible options. Do we enforce a stricter dress code like some religions do? Do we make it illegal for men to approach women who are strangers to them? Do we invest in giant cooling fans for areas with heavy pedestrian traffic? I don’t know. What I do know is that we can’t sit by and do nothing.”

Former President Bill Clinton urged that “we not go off half-cocked. The implications of warmer temperatures aren’t all bad. There are real material savings to be had if we could all dress more lightly. I don’t know if there is anything we can really do to significantly affect global climate. Maybe we should just try to acclimate ourselves to a warmer Earth. Perhaps we could decriminalize prostitution. Is there any good reason why paying for sexual services should be illegal anyway? It’s a voluntary transaction, a so-called crime, but one without a real victim.”

Congressional Inquiry into Benghazi Called a “Waste of Time”

Press Secretary Jay Carney called Congressional intentions to probe into the attack on the Benghazi Consulate a “waste of time. Whatever happened was so long ago that I doubt if anyone can clearly remember it.”

House Oversight and Foreign Affairs Committee leaders complaints that the administration is impeding their investigation were rebuffed by Secretary of State John Kerry. “I am not familiar with this notion that anybody’s been blocked from testifying,” Kerry offered. He did, however acknowledge that certain employees “may have been advised of the risks. Even if you tell the truth your reputation can still be trashed. Look what happened to Linda Tripp. Then there’s always the possibility that you could be financially ruined by legal expenses stemming from what you say. Even a successful defense can drain your bank account.”

Attorney Victoria Toensing represents a whistle-blower who’s testimony she says has been blocked by the Obama Administration. “Their contention is that knowledge of what occurred during the attack is a ‘state secret’ that I’m not cleared to hear,” Toensing complained.

“All governments have secrets that must be protected from prying eyes,” Kerry explained. “The American people have elected a President and he has installed officials who are entrusted with determining what information will be revealed and what will be withheld from public knowledge. Everyone needs to simmer down and let us do this job.”

“If people are determined to point the finger at anyone it should probably be at Woods and Smith,” Kerry suggested. “I wasn’t here at the time, but as I have been briefed, Administration officials were working behind the scenes trying to arrange a peaceful prisoner exchange when these two guys started shooting. If they hadn’t butted in we could’ve swapped Omar Abdel Rahman for Ambassador Stephens and no one would’ve died.”

California Dems Move Bill to Allow Non-citizens to Serve on Juries

The California Assembly voted out a bill that would allow resident aliens to serve on juries. “Why not?” asked sponsor Assemblyman Bob Wieckowski (D-Fremont). “We already allow them the privilege of voting. Why shouldn’t they have to bear the drudgery of jury duty?”

Critics who think the move is unConstitutional were disabused by US Attorney General Eric Holder who pointed out that “the manner of elections is a state prerogative unless the federal government chooses to intervene. I see no reason for intervention in this instance. Aliens are subject to the same laws as citizens. Playing a role in the adjudication of cases under these laws strikes me as supremely equitable.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

Please do us a favor.  If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and do not change the context. Thank you.

John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

It was recently discovered that the Obama Administration has been working jointly with the Mexican government to inform that country’s illegal migrants to the United States of their “rights to government food assistance.”

The product of this cooperative undertaking is a Spanish-language flyer supplied to the Mexican Embassy by the US Department of Agriculture. The flyer asserts that “even those who enter America illegally are still entitled to certain benefits” and explains how these “undocumented persons” may secure these benefits through the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP).

Senator Jeff Sessions (R-Ala) called the revelation “evidence of a dangerously misguided policy. We are $16 trillion in debt. Adding foreign nationals to our welfare rolls is fiscally irresponsible.”

U.S. Department of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack defended the outreach program saying “it clearly falls within the nation’s proud tradition of welcoming newcomers to our shores. Doesn’t our Statue of Liberty ask the world to give us their poor and hungry masses yearning to live free? How can we not feed them once they get here? Wouldn’t that be breach of promise?”

Vilsack hastened to point out that “our efforts aren’t confined to Mexicans. We’re very ecumenical in our outlook. One of the guys who bombed the Boston Marathon was a beneficiary of the SNAP food subsidies. We didn’t pry into his private life. We didn’t question his beliefs. To us he was a human being in need of help. That he may have been ungrateful for that help is something we can’t control. Should we let this unfortunate turn of events change who we are? Isn’t this when we’re supposed to turn the other cheek?”

Election Fraud Conviction Labeled “Irrelevant”

Former St. Joseph County Democratic party Chairman Butch Morgan, Jr. was found guilty of felony conspiracy counts to commit petition fraud and forgery, and former county Board of Elections worker Dustin Blythe was found guilty of felony forgery counts and falsely making a petition, after being accused of fabricating signatures on petitions that enabled Senator Barack Obama, to get on the presidential primary ballot in 2008. The finding means that Obama lacked sufficient valid signatures to qualify.

Obama’s 2008 campaign manager, David Plouffe, labeled the convictions “irrelevant and of no consequence. Look, we’re talking about a few hundred forged signatures in one Indiana county. In the end, 69 million votes were recorded for Barack Obama. He was clearly the choice of a majority of Americans. What’s the difference if there were a few minor irregularities in the process on his way to the presidency?”

Plouffe said hoped that “the punishment for these two longtime Democratic Party stalwarts wouldn’t be too harsh. I think we have to consider intent. Election rules can be complex and picayune. The time spent complying could be put to better use doing something else. These officials were only trying to enable the most qualified person to succeed. Since that intent was fulfilled we should forgive any missteps that occurred.”

Boston Bombing May Lead to Crackdown on Public Use of Cameras

One of the lessons the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) is taking away from the Boston Marathon bombing is the “potential for phone cameras and video recorders being used to plan these kinds of attacks.”

Secretary Janet Napolitano says DHS is “looking into the inherent threat posed by unauthorized use of these devices, especially in heavily trafficked public places. Law enforcement personnel at every level need to be on alert for people deploying these devices.”

Napolitano professed to be “especially concerned that government officers in the midst of carrying out the directives of higher authorities might be intimidated by fears that their actions are being secretly recorded.”

In related news, those who want an iconic photo of President Obama observing a moment of silence in memory of the victims of the bombing should contact Democratic National Committee headquarters (ph. 202-863-8000). Chairwoman Representative Debbie Wasserman-Schultz urged everyone “to commemorate this tragic and historic moment by obtaining this portrait of our indomitable leader and simultaneously making a donation to help ensure that the Party has the funding needed to continue promoting its agenda.”

House Report Faults Administration for Benghazi Attack

An interim report for the US House of Representatives on last September’s slaying of the US Ambassador and three other Americans laid the blame squarely on Obama Administration officials. Specifically cited was Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s approval of reduced security.

The report found “serious inconsistencies between the documentary record and Secretary Clinton’s testimony under oath to Congress” and suggested that “a prima facie case for a charge of perjury has been laid.”

Press Secretary Jay Carney scoffed at the report’s “so called evidence. The revelation of documents with Secretary Clinton’s signature on them authorizing reductions in security doesn’t mean anything. It certainly doesn’t prove that she knew what she was signing or that she even read those documents. Signing papers put in front of them is what the officers of government do. Insisting this means they bear responsibility is a stretch.”

To bolster his case, Carney recalled “Congress’ habit of passing legislation they haven’t read. It’s like the pot calling the kettle black. The US Government is such a huge operation that running it is beyond a normal person’s capability. Congress ought to be cutting us some slack instead of honing in on every little mistake we make.”

Carney gave long odds to the possibility that the perjury issue would go anywhere. “I seem to recall that there were ‘inconsistencies’ in some of former President Clinton’s statements under oath,” Carney remembered. “Was he prosecuted? No. No one had the guts to open that can of worms. Secretary Clinton will get a pass. She’s a private citizen now and should be allowed to enjoy her retirement without being dogged by accusations.”

DHS Explains Huge AMMO Needs

Congressional inquiry into the Department of Homeland Security’s huge ammunition acquisitions spurred agency officials to try to explain what is going on. At current inventory levels, DHS has four to five times as many bullets for its officers as the US Army has for our troops.

DHS training officer Humberto Medina pointed out that “the Army faces known enemies in numbers far smaller than we have to consider. I mean, Afghanistan’s population is tiny compared to that of the United States. And the Army can supplement with aerial and artillery bombardment. We don’t have that capacity at this time.”

Medina also suggested that “Army troops are better trained and more accurate shooters than the majority of those we’ve recruited for Homeland Security. So it stands to reason that we’d need to fire more rounds to hit any given target, whether it be in a training exercise or, heaven forbid, suppressing an insurrection. In a nation with over 300 million potential enemies an inventory of billions of bullets doesn’t seem unreasonable to me.”

Nick Nayak, DHS’ chief procurement officer, offered an alternative explanation for the recent surge in ammo purchases. “The notion that we are specifically targeting civilians is overwrought,” he said. “People don’t understand the way federal budgeting works. If we end the year with unspent funds that money is lost to us. Our surplus would then be used by the Administration’s enemies to argue for reduced spending in the next budget cycle. In that context, buying a billion bullets that we may never use seemed to be our best option.”

Mayor Downplays Indication that NYC Was Boston Bombers’ Next Target

A statement from captured bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev and corroborated by the terrorists’ carjack victim that New York City’s Times Square was the next target was met with surprising calm by Mayor Michael Bloomberg.

“As horrific as the Boston Marathon bombing was or that a similar attack in Times Square might’ve been, the carnage entailed cannot match that wreaked on our citizens by sugar-laden soft drinks,” Bloomberg said. “The Boston bomb claimed the lives of three innocent victims and maimed dozens more. Sugary soft drinks kill and incapacitate far more on an annual basis.”

Bloomberg insisted that “we should not be diverted from the bigger threat to our health and well-being just because a bomb is a louder and messier way to kill people. The argument that sugary soft drinks are a voluntary choice is a smokescreen meant to obscure our social obligation to be our brothers’ keepers.”

The Mayor sought to assure that his concerns about people’s unhealthy habits “is not my sole focus. I think recent events in Boston and Newtown are clear warnings that our interpretation of the rights protected by the Constitution must undergo an evolution.”

“Take, for example, the Fourth Amendment’s bar to ‘unreasonable searches and seizures,’” Bloomberg added. “Given the speed with which criminals can carry out their crimes is it truly unreasonable for police to enter any place and seize weapons or dangerous materials before they can be used? As we saw from the successful manhunt that captured the Boston bomber, citizens don’t mind warrant-less searches of their homes. So, should we really let rigid adherence to an ancient document overrule contemporary common sense?”

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Department of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano denied that the Administration’s 45% cut in the budget for bomb prevention would have made any difference. “As I have said many times before, the greatest threat comes from right-wing extremists,” Napolitano maintained. “Even at the lower funding amounts we have successfully continued to suppress this most dangerous element. We, like everyone else, were taken completely by surprise by these Muslim extremists.”

Minority Whip Representative Steny Hoyer (D-Md) blamed the bombing on the “Republican sequester.” Hoyer was unmoved by the seeming illogic of casting the sequester’s 2% decrease in spending growth as decisive. Neither was he deterred by the fact that the sequester was President Obama’s idea. “Well, the President never thought it would stick,” Hoyer retorted. “Besides, everybody now thinks it was the GOP’s idea.”

Representative Peter King (R-NY) asked that “retailers be required to report persons who buy pressure cookers, pellets, ball bearings, or nails—anything that might be used to construct a bomb—to police. I’ve been working on legislation to require beefed up background checks for gun purchases, and that’s important, but as events in Boston have shown, we may need background checks for a wider range of potentially dangerous items.”

Former Congressman Barney Frank (D-Mass) contended that “the bombing thoroughly rebuts the case for small government. I think that most people would eagerly exchange the freedom that right-wingers are saying is the American birthright for a government big enough to protect them from being blown away. A government with the manpower to search every bag and pat down every person entering any public transportation vehicle or any building that is open to the public would have the support of an overwhelming majority of voters.”

Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel saw the incident as evidence for the superiority of police surveillance over an armed citizenry for defending the country. “I would say that even if everyone in the country were armed they’d still be vulnerable to terrorist bombs,” Emanuel argued. “I’d make the case that if all the money people spend on buying guns were instead invested in more extensive surveillance government would be better prepared to apprehend the perpetrators of heinous crimes and counter any threats to existing authority.”

Former GOP Presidential candidate Mitt Romney espied a “silver lining in this terrible tragedy. We saw President Obama give a superb speech at the memorial. It was much better than I could’ve done. In hindsight, I guess I’d have to say the voters made the right decision last November.”

MSNBC’s Chris Matthews called the indication that the bombing was undertaken by Islamic jihadis “truly disappointing. If it had been a Timothy McVeigh type of guy we could’ve used that to bolster the President’s campaign for gun control. Now every redneck in the country is going to think he needs a gun to fight off alien enemies. It’s a crucial lost opportunity.”

The revelation that the attack was carried out by two ex-patriots moved Chechen President Ramzan Kadyrov to blame the crime on America’s “toxic values. The appalling depravity that is on display in every corner of the country drove these two deeply religious young men to strike a blow for decency.” Kadyrov rued the slaying of one of the bombers as a “true tragedy. America’s violent culture has claimed yet another innocent victim.”

President Endorses Rubio Immigration Legislation

President Obama heartily endorsed Florida Republican Senator Marco Rubio’s proposed 800-page immigration reform bill. “This bill would speed the normalization of life for immigrants already living here while providing the Administration with much needed flexibility in enforcement,” Obama declared.

Under the bill, all those currently living here illegally would be granted amnesty if they come forward and identify themselves. At the same time, the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) would be given five years to come up with a plan for improving border security.

“The trust Senator Rubio’s bill demonstrates for our efforts to manage the problem is impressive,” the President said. “I have been told that there are over 400 categories under which officers of the DHS would have the authority to exempt or excuse actions taken by those who have entered the country illegally. This latitude moves us from a position of rigid reliance upon written rules to one where human judgment can intervene. It makes me confident that real people rather than static words will govern the America of the future.”

Tension with North Korea Builds

Saying he was “fed up with the nutso actions of this goofball gook,” Secretary of State John Kerry threatened North Korea’s Kim Jong-un “if he continues to taunt us with his threats to launch his nuclear missile.”

The former decorated Vietnam veteran warned Kim “Don’t make me come over there. If I have to I will kill you and cut off your ears. Don’t think I won’t. I’ve done it before. In case you weren’t aware, I served in Vietnam. And if you ask those who served with me they’ll tell you I was a virtual Genghis Khan. So, don’t mess with me.”

Meanwhile, President Obama expressed his disbelief that North Korea even possesses a nuclear missile. “I don’t believe that have such a device,” Obama asserted. “I’m calling their bluff. I say go ahead and launch it.”

The words of the President and Secretary of State appeared to have little impact on Kim who vowed he would destroy the United States unless his demands are met. The demands are reported to include immediate withdrawal of all US armed forces from the Eastern Hemisphere, complete dismantling of all US intercontinental missiles, the payment of $3 trillion in reparations for the Korean War, and the appointment of former NBA basketball player Dennis Rodman as US Ambassador to Korea.

Kerry said he “would be willing to accept all of these demands except one as the basis for further discussions aimed at a peaceful resolution of our two nations’ differences. There’s no way the President can support the appointment of Dennis Rodman as ambassador to anywhere. He simply has not made a big enough donation to the Democratic Party.”

In related news, Kerry urged Congress to drop further investigation of last September’s attack on US Embassy personnel in Benghazi. “I think former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton put this issue into its proper focus when she asked, ‘at this point what difference does it make?’ We can’t revive those who were killed. And now that the person who was in charge has left the government what’s the point of trying to allocate responsibility?”

Administration Pressures Washington DOT

A series of signs critical of President Obama may cost the State of Washington its share of federal aid for highway construction. The signs are on private property but can be seen by travelers on I-5 about 90 miles south of Seattle near the town of Chehalis.

“Interstate highways are 90% funded by the federal government,” said USDOT Secretary Ray LaHood. “It is improper that they be exploited for the communication of messages opposing the government.”

The Secretary added “we’d regret having to resort to withholding funds, but when people don’t show the appropriate respect for all the President is trying to do for the country we can’t just sit back and take it. State officials aren’t going to be allowed to hide behind a ‘freedom-of-speech’ argument in order to evade taking action. We think the prospect of losing hundreds of millions of dollars in federal aid will inspire them to find a way to eliminate these affronts.”

WSDOT CEO Lynn Peterson acknowledged “feeling frustrated by the difficult position we’re in. We can’t afford to lose this money. Our contention that there is no proof the signs are having any impact was rejected by the USDOT. They say that waiting for proof would set a bad precedent.”

“We can’t just tear down the signs,” Peterson complained. “We don’t own the property they’re on. Trying to screen them from view is impractical. Any obstruction we might erect on our right-of-way could simply be avoided by moving the offending signs a few dozen yards. Our best bet might be to try to induce the locals to take action.”

The “inducement” reportedly under consideration is a threat by WSDOT to close the Chehalis on-ramp to I-5. The idea is that if drivers from the local area lose their access to the highway they may prevail upon the town council to zone these signs out. It’s also felt that fear of possible retaliation from angry neighbors might cause the owners of these signs to take them down themselves.

Dem Admits Gun Bill Wouldn’t Have Prevented Newtown Massacre

Senator Joe Manchin (D-WV), author of a just defeated gun control bill, acknowledged that “this bill wouldn’t have prevented the murder of those Sandy Hook school kids. In fact, it’s likely that nothing we could pass would impede any determined criminal from carrying out plans to kill innocent victims.”

“The point is to overcome a feeling of helplessness by giving the appearance of remedial action,” Manchin explained. “The only thing that might deter or decrease the body count in these shooting sprees would be if an armed victim or good Samaritan were to cut the spree short by returning fire. The problem with this, though, is that it would vindicate a world view that we Democrats find extraordinarily distasteful.”

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The unforeseen difficulties of implementing the Affordable Health Care Act (aka Obamacare) have key proponents scrambling for answers.

Senator Jay Rockefeller (D-WV), one of the leading writers of the Obamacare legislation, now calls the program  “complex beyond comprehension. We had hoped that somehow, someone would’ve come up with sensible procedures for how the thing is supposed to work, but no such luck. The system’s as opaque as the day we passed it. Our high hopes are crashing down around us.”

US Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius blames Republicans for the mess. “Instead of rolling up their sleeves and helping us figure out how to implement this they’re just standing aside and letting us flounder,” she complained. “In a way they could be considered traitors to the common good.”

A few of the steps Republicans could be taking according to Sebelius include “appropriating additional funding to cover the unexpectedly higher costs of the program. While it had been our hope that comprehensive health care coverage would lead to lower costs, this sadly, has not turned out to be the case. “

Especially rankling to the Secretary has been the widespread refusal of states to establish the insurance exchanges called for in the law. “The law gives states the option to set up their own exchanges,” Sebelius pointed out. “Unfortunately, the majority of states controlled by the GOP have declined to take up this option. It’s like they’re saying ‘you made your bed, now lie in it.’ I say, we’ve already done our part. We came up with the idea. Now it’s their turn to do their share to make it happen.”

Majority of Democrats Have Favorable View of Income Tax

A recent Washington Post-ABC poll revealed that a majority (53%) of Democrats have a favorable impression of the federal income tax. Inasmuch as the cost of complying with this tax exceeds $400 billion per year and amounts to more than 20% of the revenues collected, this finding is a bit surprisng.

Even the liberal leaning Brookings Institution has characterized the federal income tax code as “a hopelessly complex mess, antithetical to growth, and crammed with conflicting incentives.” Though simplifying the code would save millions of man-hours of labor and billions of dollars expended on needless paperwork each year, it would also blunt the ability of politicians to trade tax breaks for campaign donations.

The Internal Revenue Service (IRS), enforcers of the tax code, are notorious for their robust approach to squeezing every dime they can out of those they deem worthy of paying larger amounts. The IRS has asserted that they have the authority to intercept emails, tweets, and other online communications without having to obtain a warrant. The IRS contends that the Constitution’s Fourth Amendment ban on unreasonable searches makes no mention of electronic media.

As obnoxious as the IRS is to individual rights to privacy and liberty, the IRS is also perceived favorably by a majority (56%) of Democrats. As one Democratic poll respondent explained, “they only go after rich people who don’t want to share their money. What’s not to like about that?” “Every year they send me a refund check,” said another. “They’re okay in my book.”

In contrast, the poll showed only a minority of Republicans (30%) and Independents (33%) have a favorable view of the federal income tax.

President Proposes Mandatory IRAs, 401(k)s

As part of his budget proposal, President Obama is asking Congress to compel all working Americans to establish tax-deferred retirement accounts—either Individual Retirement Accounts (IRAs) or 401(k) “defined contribution plans.”

US Treasury Secretary Jacob Lew explained that “the President is trying to inject a modicum of personal responsibility into the whole retirement planning scenario. The amounts that can be provided by Social Security are limited and may not even be available to the next generation. Yet, fewer than 10% of those eligible for these special tax-deferred retirement accounts take advantage of their opportunity. By forcing them to participate we would be priming them for the idea that they should take more care for their own post-employment years.”

At the same time that workers will be required to establish these accounts they will be barred from accumulating more than $3 million in them. “No one needs more than that amount to secure a comfortable retirement,” Lew declared. “Should a taxpayer be so lucky as to see his investment grow to exceed the $3 million threshold he shouldn’t mind if the government siphons off the excess to fund other pressing needs.”

Senator’s Pitch for Liberty Fails to Move Minority Audience

Kentucky Senator Rand Paul’s efforts to sell liberty to a mostly minority audience at Howard University collided with the enticements of the entitlement mentality. His vision of “getting the government off your back” failed to resonate with students who expect the government to provide for them.

“You say you’re working to get the government to leave us alone,” said one student during the question and answer phase of Paul’s talk. “I don’t want to be left alone. I want the
government to take care of me. In your ideal world I’d be on my own. I’d have to work for everything I want. I don’t see why I should prefer that to the world President Obama is creating where the good things of life are free for the taking.”

The Senator did receive some modest applause for his suggestion that America reduce its foreign military commitments, but his hope that this would lead to lower government expenditures did not go over well. “I like the idea of cutting back on bullets and bombs,” said one student. “This is money the government could be spending on people like me. They could buy me a house and a car with the kind of cash they’re wasting trying to conquer other countries.”

Obama Calls for Federally-Funded Pre-School for Four Year Olds

Saying that too many of our children are ill-prepared for the world of the future, President Obama urged Congress to enact federal funding for pre-schools.

“We need to replace the idiosyncratic influences of our ‘do-it-yourself’ methods of child rearing with a more cohesive approach,” the President said. “Leaving so much of the responsibility on each individual family is a formula for chaos. Different parents seek to instill different value systems. The result is that clashes of these value systems impede coordinated progress toward the collective well-being of all.”

“In addition to providing an environment for the inculcation of better values, a federally-funded pre-school program would alleviate a significant amount of parental suffering,” Obama added. “Having a place to ship your four-year-old off to each day for a few hours gives the parents extra free time they can spend on more satisfying pursuits while their child is under the capable care and instruction of trained education professionals.”

Future Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) endorsed the President’s proposal pointing out that “as Melissa Harris-Perry said on TV the other day, we’ve got to get past the notion that children belong to their parents. Children belong to the community. China understands this and has been pursuing an even more aggressive intervention with its children in order to ensure that a more uniform system of rearing the young contributes to a stronger and more unified nation. We need to get moving if we are to keep pace.”

EPA Blames Sequester for Release of Personal Info on Farmers

Under criticism for handing over personal data on farmers and ranchers to environmental groups, the Environmental Protection Agency defended its actions as “cost-effective under current budget constraints.”

“Normally, we’d harry these despoilers of the environment ourselves,” said Bob Perciasepe, Acting EPA Administrator. “But with the budget being hemmed in by the sequester we have to seek other ways of achieving our objectives. We saw arming these environmental groups with potentially useful information as a way of multiplying or leveraging our forces. We thought we’d get more bang for the buck, so to speak.”

Man Faces Charges for Shooting Bear

A 76-year-old Massachusetts man is facing weapons charges for shooting a bear in his backyard. Richard Ahlstrand of Auburn Massachusetts shot the bear when the 400 lb. animal attacked him as he was tending the bird-feeders he keeps on his property.

According to Massachusetts authorities, Ahlstrand should have called animal control officers to handle the wayward bear. “The State employs professionals trained in safe animal removal,” Rufus Bustard, spokesman for Massachusetts Attorney General. “A phone call would have brought these professionals to the scene within a matter of hours.”

Bustartd dismissed Ahlstrand’s assertion that he had only seconds to defend himself as “self-serving. Even if true, the value to society of the life of a 76 year-old vs. that of the bear is by no means certain. Maybe a jury will let him off, but it is our job to represent the interests of the wildlife that may be endangered by people like him.”

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The complexities of the Affordable Health Care Act (aka Obamacare) are now being hailed as a stimulant for the economy by Secretary Kathleen Sebelius.

“The GOP has been trying to lampoon the Health Care law as a ‘Rube Goldberg’ contraption that boggles the mind,” Sebelius said. “Well, the joke’s on them. It is the very complexity of the regulations that has opened up a need for hundreds of thousands of jobs for advisers to help patients navigate these regulations.”

“In the simplistic minds of the law’s detractors, the decision to seek medical assistance is an uncomplicated one—a person feeling ill consults a physician,” Sebelius observed. “The new law has so confused a vast number of potential beneficiaries that professional guidance is now essential if one hopes to get the best result.”

The suggestion that Obamacare’s extra layers of paperwork don’t add any real value was mocked by the Secretary. “At a time of high unemployment giving people something to do is vital to restoring economic growth,” Sebelius argued. “What’s more, these jobs are environment-friendly. In contrast, the jobs that would be generated by increasing access to fossil-based energy supplies by expanding oil drilling or constructing the Keystone Pipeline would tend to lower fuel costs and encourage more driving and air pollution.”

City Defends Hiring Non-Swimming Minorities as Lifeguards

While taking some flak for doing so, City of Phoenix officials are standing by their decision to accept non-swimming minorities as pool lifeguards.

“The problem with requiring swimming proficiency as a condition of employment is that minorities would be under-represented among those we hire,” City Parks and Recreation Administrator Alfredo Zote. “The Mayor has asked us to strive for a workforce that mirrors the composition of the City’s population. We can’t do that if we impose qualifications that have a disproportionate impact on any racial or ethnic groups.”

As to whether the ability to swim might not be a crucial skill in the performance of the job, Zote demurred. “Few of the annual drownings that occur in our state are at public pools,” he pointed out. “And we can team the non-swimming minority hire with a strong-swimming white hiree. That way the non-swimmer can help spot a potential drowning victim and direct the swimmer to rescue him.”

While Zote acknowledged that he had no idea on whether the new policy would have any negative consequences for the safety of visitors to any of the City’s 23 public pools he did ask that “critics balance any undesired outcomes at the pools with the social gains of our minority hiring policy. Providing employment for disfavored groups is not without its benefits. Whether their gains in self-esteem outweigh losses in terms of injury or fatalities at our sites is, in my opinion, a judgment call.”

$400,000 Study of Duck Genitalia Defended

The citation of $400,000 of taxpayer dollars being spent on a study of duck genitalia as an example of waste was assailed by National Science Foundation spokeswoman Deborah Wing.

“I would say that the poll showing nearly 90% of respondents disapproving of this kind of outlay by the federal government bolsters my confidence that we are on the right track in our funding decisions,” Wing contended. “To the average person, this looks like a poor use of money. This is why expert opinion must overrule an uninformed general public.”

“Lost in the rush to ridicule how federal funds are disbursed are the incredibly intriguing findings of studies like this,” Wing explained. “I mean, how many of these critics were aware that duck penises are cork-screw shaped—a piece of information that might never have come to light without this study? The future value of such information is incalculable. We must never permit the quest for knowledge to be stifled by the short-sighted selfishness of taxpayers and their advocates.”

President Complains of Constitutional Constraints

In a speech at a Democratic fund-raising event President Obama told the audience that “the good I can accomplish is limited by Constitutional constraints,” and emphasized the importance of “overcoming these constraints by electing more Democrats to Congress.”

“Just imagined what we could get done if Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) were once again the Speaker of the House,” Obama urged. “Instead of having Republicans blocking my initiatives with objections that the cost is too great we’d have the votes needed to ensure that vital new programs would get through.”

In support of his argument, the President recalled that “the Affordable Health Care Act would never have gotten passed if we hadn’t had Democratic control of both Houses of Congress. It was only the courage and faith of then-Speaker Pelosi’s determination to press ahead even though no one had time to read the legislation that made the enactment of Obamacare possible. We need to recreate those salutary conditions.”

For her part, Pelosi pledged, if given another chance, to “remove the impediments to the brighter future President Obama is trying to bring to America. What this country needs is a broad ‘enabling act’ that would give the President the unconstrained authority to move forward despite possible future Congressional opposition. If we had passed such an act before we lost our majority the President could now bypass GOP obstruction and institute the transformation he promised and voters elected him to accomplish.”

Legislator Laments Uproar over Bill to Restrict Gun Ownership

State Representative Beth McCann (D-Denver) expressed disappointment over having to withdraw her bill aimed at preventing “dangerous persons” from legally acquiring firearms. Under the proposed bill, the names of persons determined to be unworthy of owning firearms could have been confidentially entered onto a national registry and thereby blocking them from purchasing these weapons.

“The beauty of my proposal is that the doctors, nurses, and counselors blacklisting these threats would be protected from potential retaliation for doing what they felt was necessary for public safety,” McCann boasted. “The nuts that would’ve been systematically barred from ever obtaining a gun would’ve never known why.”

McCann maintains that “the desire to own a gun is, by itself, a likely marker for mental illness. In a sane world, the mere act of attempting to purchase a gun would be sufficient evidence to deny a person access to it.” In the Representative’s “sane world” the government would own all firearms and only authorized personnel would be permitted to carry these weapons.

In related news, US Representative Diana DeGette (D-Colo) rebutted contentions that citizens need the right to bear arms for self-defense. “The average person isn’t competent to use firearms to defend himself,” DeGette insisted. “The professional criminal is likely far more skilled. Crime victims are better off relying on the mercy an assailant is more likely to show if they don’t resist. Also, if police show up while the crime is still in progress their task will be simpler—just shoot the one with the gun.”

White House Complains “Drudge Is Muddling Our Message”

White House senior adviser Dan Pfeiffer complained that the Drudge Report (a prominent website for news headlines) is “hurting our message.”

“If it were only Drudge we had to contend with we’d be okay,” Pfeiffer said. “The problem is other media are picking up his content and demanding to know our response. This flies in the face of the protocol we have striven to establish. We feel that the media should be getting their main thrust from us. They should not be badgering the Administration with notions originating from outside.”

Thus far, Pfeiffer’s approach toward combating this threat has been to seek to intimidate media representatives who cite Drudge as a source for questions they raise. “My first effort is to establish that mere mention of this discredited source is a reason for reporters to be embarrassed,” Pfeiffer bragged. “If this is insufficient to bring them into line, my suggestion that they may be cut off from participating in our future briefings if they don’t behave themselves usually does the trick.”

“In a perfect world irksome intrusions from pests like Drudge wouldn’t exist,” Pfeiffer added. “Getting from here to there, though, is likely to take some effort. For the time being we are going to have to swat them down whenever they rear their ugly heads. This doesn’t mean we aren’t seeking a more permanent solution.”

UN Calls for Disarming those 55 Years and Older

The recently passed UN Global Arms Trade Treaty contains a provision that would ban those over 55 years old from owning guns.

UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon explained that “most crimes are committed by gun-wielding assailants who generally are younger than their victims. If we allow those who are near the end of their lives to use guns to kill these younger assailants the human race will be losing more ‘life-years,’ on balance. Therefore, it is better that these elderly victims not be given the means to resist even if that means they will be slain by their attackers.”

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John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent

A handful of Democratic members of Congress were warned by the Party’s big donors to get in line behind President Obama’s push for gun-control legislation lest they face “dire consequences.”

“Money is the ‘mother’s milk’ of political success,” said a leading Democratic financier under promise of anonymity. “Senators from GOP leaning states may think they’ll face electoral defeat if they come out in favor of gun-control. We just want to remind them that they’ll be taken off the campaign cash teat if they don’t.”

“They should also remember there are other ways the President can punish them,” he continued. “He can cut their shares of discretionary federal outlays. He can harass their constituents by sending swarms of officers to rigorously enforce irksome regulations. And in extreme cases, he can order the use of deadly force against anyone who threatens his beneficent administration to the people’s needs.”

One of the targets, Senator Mary Landrieu (D-LA), rued what she called “heavy-handed tactics” and pleaded for “some sort of reasonable accommodation. I don’t see why we can’t be permitted to pose as defenders of the right to bear arms while being allowed to work covertly to support the President like we have on other issues.”

Another, Senator Max Baucus (D-Mont), characterized the threat as “ill-considered. These Democratic donors are already well rewarded for their efforts. Each dollar donated to elect Democrats nets donors a hundred in return from federal subsidies paid out to their businesses and organizations. They need us to put money in their pockets. They ought to be able to stand a little posturing on our part to ensure our reelection.”

Former President Clinton Doesn’t Understand How Tax Cuts Help Economy

Former President Bill Clinton castigated Republicans for their continued opposition to tax increases saying “they haven’t been able to explain to my satisfaction how low taxes are supposed to help the economy.”

“Since government is the genesis of most of the good in the world a stance that appears aimed at limiting its access to the resources it needs can only retard its role,” Clinton argued. “Cutting taxes in the hope that the aggregated selfish actions of private parties would somehow result in greater prosperity seems pretty farfetched to me.”

In support of his case, Clinton cited the robust economic growth that occurred during his term in office. “We raised taxes while I was President and we saw 100 times as many people moved out of poverty as did during the tax-cutting Reagan Administration,” Clinton bragged. “That alone ought to prove the wisdom of transferring more of the nation’s wealth to the public sector.”

The record number of people receiving food stamps under the Obama Administration’s expansion of government’s share of the GDP didn’t dent Clinton’s confidence in the curative powers of big government. “The federal government’s 25% share of GDP may be a historic high for America, but it is still far below what has been achieved in other countries,” he pointed out. “I would argue that if government could allocate 100% of the nation’s resources economic growth and distributional equity would be maximized.”

Government Has Obligation to Infringe on Freedom

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg defended his “nanny state” inclinations saying that “there are certain times we should infringe on your freedom.”

“Freedom should not be taken for granted,” Bloomberg asserted. “I know that in America it has been built up into some sort of iconic vision for society, but government needs to ensure that it isn’t abused. Too many people are frivolously using their freedom to engage in socially destructive behaviors. They may think that whether they smoke, eat poorly, or act in an undisciplined manner is their own affair. At the same time they expect society to come to their rescue with health insurance, disability benefits, and welfare payments.”

“If we’re going to have a fiscally viable social safety net government must intervene to reduce the risk to society of the consequences of ill-thought-out actions,” Bloomberg insisted. “We have the means to do this. We have comprehensive databases, surveillance, and a wide range of public agencies to accomplish our objectives.”

Bloomberg acknowledged that his approach entails a massive invasion of privacy, but argued that “there is no way we can both preserve privacy and maximize collective well-being. People could be left to do as they please or they can be protected from the effects of their folly. Looking at the election results over the generations, I think it’s pretty clear that more and more voters prefer security over freedom.”

The Mayor said he envisioned “a day when the proper lifestyle choices would be so ingrained that coercive measures are no longer necessary. In the meantime, though, we should not shy away from stern enforcement of rules that move us closer to this ideal.”

Lawmaker Explains Sending Photo of Genitals to Government Computer

Massachusetts Democratic State Representative John Fresolo complained that “people are misinterpreting the rationale behind what I did.” What he did was send a digital photo of his penis to a computer at the State House. A legislative aide who saw the photo lodged a complaint with the Ethics Committee.

Fresolo maintained that he was “pilot-testing a new element for sexual offender databases. Right now, all we have on sex offenders is facial photographs. In cases where a rapist wears a mask the victim may not be able to identify her assailant. By providing another data point we could close more cases.”

“Rather than ask someone else to post the first genital photo to the database I bravely exposed myself,” Fresolo said. “Now, instead of being lauded for putting aside personal modesty in order to promote the public welfare I’m being pilloried by my political enemies. Never has a public servant been so unjustly humiliated.”

Continuation of Lavish Lifestyle During Sequestration Defended

Press Secretary Jay Carney rebuffed critics who have suggested that President Obama and his family ought to be “sharing the pain” brought on by the federal budget sequester.

“The whole point of the ‘pain’ is to help induce people to support the tax increases the President has requested,” Carney explained. “The President already is on-board with tax increases. He doesn’t need the added stimulus of pain to get on the right side of the issue.”

As for the President’s family members who are currently in the midst of their fourth taxpayer-funded vacation trip since the start of the year, Carney argued that “penalizing the First Family for fully enjoying the perks of office would accomplish nothing. Look, the President’s family has only a limited time to squeeze every privilege they can get out of their status. Can anyone really blame them for going whole hog?”

First Daughters, Sasha and Malia Obama, are currently vacationing on the ski slopes of Sun Valley, Idaho. Earlier this week, the First Daughters were on a spring break trip in the Bahamas.

Obamacare Raises Costs & Paperwork

Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius dismissed criticism that Obamacare is leading to higher costs and more paperwork as “misplaced.”

“Since the vast majority of visits to doctors are unnecessary and often result in more harm than good, if costs for medical care rise we should expect overall health to improve,” Sebelius projected. “I mean, unless you are a trauma victim, the chances of medical intervention helping you are slim. Higher costs for treatment of other alleged ailments will deter people from exposing themselves to the risk iatrogenic complications.”

As for the estimated 111 million hours of increased paperwork spawned by the Affordable Health Care Act, Sebelius hailed it as a “jobs bill. This is millions of hours of paperwork that would not have existed without the legislation. These are relatively pleasant, indoor jobs sitting at a desk and shuffling papers or punching keys on a computer. People don’t have to break a sweat building something or harvesting a crop, or whatever. These are the kind of jobs that most people wish they had.”

Bank Seizure of Deposits Called “Wave of Future”

The resolution of the bank crisis in Cyprus by seizing depositors money and forcibly converting it into equity shares in the banks was hailed as “an innovative way out of a plethora of bad investments by bank officials” by Jeroen Dijsselbloem, the Dutch chairman of the Eurozone.

“Under the old rules, losses incurred by bad investments would fall upon the stockholders and officers of the bank,” Dijsselbloem said. “Stockholders would typically lose their money and officers their jobs—all because of an imbalance between deposits and assets. By mandating the conversion of a portion of deposits into new shares the stockholders and officers of the bank can be insulated from the consequences of their errors.”

Dijsselbloem contended that “this solution is both humane and equitable. Those who have the ability to make large deposits in banks obviously have more money than they need. By requiring them to deploy this excess wealth for the benefit of others is a policy that places collective well-being ahead of individualistic greed.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

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John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

A tearful Representative Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (D-Fla) blamed “heartless Republicans” for the “severe hardships” the sequester is imposing on members of her staff.

“Nearly half of my office staff has been forced to forgo lunch on a daily basis because of the cruel budget cuts that have been forced down our throats by the GOP,” the Congresswoman claimed.

The “toll of suffering” has been less than half because “some have been able to make do with sack lunches of leftovers or peanut butter sandwiches they bring from home,” she explained. “This is not a solution that can be applied across-the-board, though. Some simply lack the skill required to assemble their own lunches. Others feel that going out for lunch is an essential part of being a person of stature.”

Wasserman-Schultz suggested that those wanting to help preserve the dignity and health of those serving in government could make a cash donation to the “Congressional Aide Feeding Fund” and should call her office (202- 225-7931) to arrange for automatic monthly transfers from their checking accounts.

Homeland Security’s Big Ammo Purchase Raises Concerns

Congressional efforts to ascertain why the Department of Homeland Security needs over a billion rounds of ammunition and thousands of armored vehicles have been rebuffed by Secretary Janet Napolitano.

Representative Timothy Huelscamp (R-Kan) says his efforts to obtain an explanation have gone nowhere. “No one at DHS will give me any kind of response,” Huelscamp complained. “They tell me that the information I’m seeking is only given out on a ‘need to know’ basis.”

Representative Leonard Lance (R-NJ) has experienced similar difficulties in getting answers. “The contention that ‘buying in bulk’ is a cost-saving measure is suspect,” Lance argued. “At current usage rates, the 1.6 billion rounds recently purchased would last 100 years. That’s far beyond the shelf-life of the ammunition.”

Napolitano stood fast behind her Department’s refusal to go into any detail about the purchases saying that “there are many enemies who could make use of information relating to our government’s intentions. By keeping these intentions confidential we retain the element of surprise, which as anyone familiar with armed conflict knows, is a great force multiplier.”

As ever, Vice-President Joe Biden was somewhat more forthcoming. “The Government can’t take a chance of being out-gunned,” he said. “Until we have comprehensive gun-control laws, the Government needs enough firepower to take down everyone who might threaten its authority.”

Concern over the intent of these huge weapons procurements isn’t confined to President Obama’s critics on the right. Medea Benjamin, co-founder of Code Pink, a left-wing “peace and social justice movement,” called the DHS actions “troubling.” “We are upset that the media and Democratic members of Congress who would’ve been all over such behavior if it were being carried out by the Bush Administration are giving President Obama’s crew a pass,” Benjamin said. “It’s as if they’re tacitly saying a police-state run by Democrats is okay.”

In related news, Napolitano defended her decision to upgrade travelers from Saudi Arabia to “trusted traveler” status. Even though 15 of the 19 9/11 hijackers were Saudis, Napolitano insisted that “we’re not going to let a single statistical quirk outweigh the substantial bonds of friendship achieved between our two countries. President Obama has assured me that the large sums donated to his reelection by the Saudi Government have reassured him that Saudi citizens can be trusted and should not be hassled or molested by our TSA officers.”

NY Gun-Control Law a Fiasco

Before it has even gone into effect the gun-control law championed by Governor Andrew Cuomo has run into insurmountable problems. Under the law it is illegal for anyone in the state to have a weapon with a magazine that holds more than seven bullets. Aside from converting the majority of the state’s gun owners into criminals virtually overnight, hardly any seven bullet magazines are available.

Rather than admit this law is infeasible, Cuomo is pressing the legislature to amend it to allow larger magazines, but forbid anyone from loading more than seven bullets in them. Skeptics wondering how law enforcement personnel would be able to tell how many bullets were loaded in these magazines were assured by the Governor that “an energetic stop-and-frisk program would be implemented by police. Not only will we catch those who’ve loaded too many bullets, but those without permits to bear arms will also be snared.”

Under Cuomo’s proposed amended law, those who inadvertently or innocently violated the law could be pardoned by the Governor—a feature Cuomo contends will augment civil peace. “My ability to differentiate between those who are essentially good citizens who’ve made a simple mistake and those who are flouting the government’s authority is a potentially powerful tool for maintaining order,” the Governor argued. “People who pay their taxes and obey the laws will get a break. People who have a history of challenging authority can expect to bear the full penalty. The incentives for citizens to behave themselves will be strengthened.”

Another explanation for Cuomo’s reluctance to abandon his infeasible law may be the anticipated surge of revenues from fines. Turning hundreds of thousands of previously legal gun owners into criminals is seen as an equitable way of covering the state’s deficit. “If anyone deserves to pay more for the cost of state government it’s those who insist on having guns they don’t need,” the Governor declared.

Kerry Sees UN Treaty as End Run Around Second Amendment

Secretary of State John Kerry touted the United Nations Arms Trade Treaty (ATT) as “the perfect solution for bypassing the objections of gun zealots citing the Constitution’s Second Amendment as a bar to gun control.”

“Even if we accept the notion that the Second Amendment prohibits the Government from disarming the population, the Constitution provides an alternative method for accomplishing this objective,” Kerry asserted. “The Constitution’s Article VI says that treaties made by the US Government are the supreme law of the land—anything in the Constitution or laws of any state to the contrary notwithstanding.”

“All we need to do is for the President to sign and get two-thirds of the Senate to consent to a treaty to ban private possession of firearms and there wouldn’t be anything the opponents of gun-control could do about it,” Kerry bragged. “We wouldn’t need three-fourths of the states to acquiesce in amending the Constitution. State or local sheriffs couldn’t refuse to enforce gun control without running afoul of the penalties specified in the treaty. It’s the ideal checkmate for Americans who bitterly cling to their guns.”

Senate Democrats Vote to Keep White House Closed to Tourists

A GOP attempt to make a modest change to the budget in order to overturn the Administration’s decision to use the sequester as an excuse to shut down tourist access to the White House was shot down in the Democrat -controlled Senate by a 54-45 vote.

“Every sector of our society must bear its share of the pain caused by the sequester’s budget cuts,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev). “Wrecking vacations and disrupting school field trips helps convey the importance of maintaining the full measure of spending the President wants.”

As it turns out, though, not every sector of society is bearing a share of the pain. Untouched by the sequester’s budget constraint were federal subsidies of $400,000 to study the size of duck penises, $345,000 to see if snakes would attempt to eat a robot squirrel, and a $140,000 grant to China to investigate swine manure.

Reid argued that “cutting funds for more esoteric and obscure projects wouldn’t have the same impact. No one cares about such outlays. But when a busload of kids is turned away a lot more people are going to hear about it. When they do they’re going to blame stingy Republicans. Democrats shouldn’t feel obliged to rescue the GOP from the rightful outrage of their disappointed constituents.”

Biden and Pelosi Take Holy Communion in Rome

As supporters of legalized abortion, nominally Catholic politicians like Vice-President Joe Biden and House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) are not supposed to receive Holy Communion at Mass. Enforcement, though, is on the “honor system.” Biden and Pelosi skirted this honor system and took Holy Communion at the Mass of Installation for Pope Francis in Rome.

Biden viewed it as a personal triumph. “Each time you receive Communion the slate is wiped clean,” Biden boasted. “So whatever sins you might’ve committed are absolved. It doesn’t matter whether the priest unknowingly gives it to you or overlooks your support for abortion rights in order to avoid making a scene. Either way, you’re home-free.”

Pelosi saw it as more of a political statement. “Each time a proponent of choice is accepted among the ranks of the faithful draws us closer to the day when a woman’s right to choose is finally incorporated into the Church’s theology,” Pelosi predicted. “After all, Jesus was a great champion of women’s rights against an ultra-patriarchal Jewish orthodoxy. What could be more important to a woman than full control over her own body?”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

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John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Egypt’s ruling Muslim Brotherhood vehemently denounced a United Nations’ declaration on women’s rights saying it could destroy society by allowing women to travel, work, and use contraception without their husband’s permission.

“Women are creatures that Allah has given to men for their pleasure and to bear them sons,” said a spokesman for the Brotherhood. “This attempt to elevate them above the status decreed for them by the Prophet would subjugate men to the vile and unrighteous heresies of the West. It is oppression, pure and simple.”

In an effort to show that Muslim women reject the UN’s declaration, members of the Brotherhood were ordered to send their wives, daughters, mothers and sisters into the streets to demonstrate against it.

The Egyptian Government’s position on women’s rights is not expected to disrupt the Obama Administration’s award of over a billion dollars in military aid to the country. “It is not our place to interfere in the domestic policies of other countries,” explained Secretary of State John Kerry. “To insist that our notions about human rights ought to be a prerequisite for receiving aid would be arrogant and imperialistic.”

Anti-Gun Hypocrisy Denied

While campaigning vigorously against easy access to assault rifles and high-capacity magazines, Mark Kelly—husband of former Congresswoman Gabby Giffords (D-Ariz)—was spotted purchasing the very type of weapon he wants the law to prohibit.

Kelly denied he was being hypocritical, insisting that “my position that ordinary people shouldn’t be allowed to own such weapons isn’t contradicted by my actions. First of all, I am no ordinary person. I’m one of the very few humans who has been into outer space. Second, I am the husband of a member of this country’s ruling elite—one, I might add, who was nearly killed by an armed assailant.”

“The average person isn’t explicitly targeted by enemies of this country’s government,” Kelly argued. “The average person’s anonymity conveys a protection unavailable to those of us near the pinnacle of the human pyramid. The chance that he would need a gun for protection is statistically insignificant compared to us.”

Subsequent to being called out for his apparent hypocrisy a photo of Gabby Giffords holding an assault rifle has emerged. Kelly maintains that “there is no inconsistency. In fact, if Gabby had an assault rifle on the day she was attacked she might not have gotten shot. I would argue that criminals are deterred by superior firepower.”

Presidential Paranoia Hits New High

President Obama’s “wine-and-dine” offensive took an odd turn this week when he refused to partake of the comestibles for fear of being poisoned. At a working lunch with several GOP members of Congress Obama said he couldn’t eat because his official food-taster was unable to accompany him.

Senator Susan Collins (R-Maine) tried to allay his fears by pointing out that everyone was being served the same meal. Even after Obama was offered the option of exchanging plates with any of the other diners he still declined to eat and contended that “every plate could well be tainted” and that “I wouldn’t put it past the GOP to willingly sacrifice a dozen legislators for the chance to get me..”

Press Secretary Jay Carney defended the President’s caution by pointing out that “it’s possible that all of the other diners could’ve been given the antidote in advance. Let’s not forget that it was right about this time of year when Julius Caesar was killed by treacherous senators. So, I think it’s better to be safe than sorry.”

President Says Cheap Oil a Destroyer, Not Creator of Jobs

President Obama elaborated on his argument against the Keystone Pipeline project by making the case that cheaper oil would not increase jobs in America.

“Let’s just consider one example,” the President suggested. “The portion of this oil that would go into fueling transportation would clearly have a negative impact on employment. Your typical motor vehicle engine has over 100 horse-power. That means if we didn’t have the means to fuel these engines we’d have to use 100 horses to achieve the same transportation result. Is there any question that breeding, raising, feeding, and housing 100 horses would employ more people than tending to one motor vehicle?”

Obama argued that “the neglected alternatives to fossil-based fuels would all offer far more job opportunities. Besides the jobs that would be required to maintain horses, the slower travel speeds would mean more jobs for teamsters on any given haul. Then there’s wind power. Ships relying on this ultra-green source of energy require much larger crews to repeatedly adjust the sails. Couple this with the slower travel speeds and I think you can appreciate the potentially huge increase in the number of man-hours of employment there’d be.”

Representative Lee Terry (R-Neb) called the President’s remarks “disturbing. It’ looks as if he has no grasp of the concept of efficiency or economic progress. Simplistically, the President is right, it would take more time and effort—more jobs, if you will—to move goods by horse than truck. But it would also price many goods we take for granted out of reach for the average person. Taking advantage of technology, like cheaper oil via the Keystone Pipeline, is what enables today’s average person to live like the kings of bygone eras.”

Homeland Security Defends New Uniform Purchase

Revelation that the Department of Homeland Security authorized an expenditure of $50 million for new uniforms at the same time as it was releasing illegal immigrant criminals because of the budget sequester’s “cuts” has raised a few eyebrows.

“Those who are saying we should have postponed the spending on new uniforms so we could afford to keep more prisoners locked up aren’t seeing the bigger picture,” Secretary Janet Napolitano contended. “Our TSA officers are seen by millions of air travelers everyday. The few thousand prisoners we released will impact a much smaller segment of the population.”

The contrasting trade-offs were explained by the Secretary. “The new, more impressive uniforms will convey an admittedly small increment of benefit to each traveler,” Napolitano calculated. “However, the multiplication of each small benefit by millions of daily beneficiaries far outweighs the larger individual costs to the much smaller number of persons who will be harmed by the criminal acts of some of those prisoners we released. So, on a cost/benefit basis, the greater good for the greater number has prevailed.”

President Denies Debt Poses a Problem

In an interview with ABC’s George Stephanopoulos on “Good Morning America,” President Obama asserted that “there is no debt crisis in this country” and says he sees “no reason to bargain with Republicans over the budget.”

“The amusing little analogies Republicans are making about households having to make cuts when times are tough simply don’t apply to the federal government,” Obama declared. “I’ll grant that debt can be a problem for households having to cope with limited resources. But how is this relevant to the government?”

“Let’s assume we were going to pay back what we borrowed,” the President said. “In what sense are the government’s resources limited? The GDP is over $15 trillion per year. So one year’s output alone would be almost enough to pay back the whole outstanding debt. All Congress would have to do is enact the appropriate taxes to channel resources into paying debt.”

“Now let’s ask a more radical question—why should we pay back the debt?” Obama continued. “The people who lent the money did so of their own free will. The money was used for the benefit of the American people. A default on the debt would simply be a transfer from the bond buyers—most of whom are wealthy—to everyone else—most of whom are not wealthy. Would that really be so bad?”

Obama was quick to add that he wasn’t necessarily advocating default. “We don’t want to end up in court with creditors suing the government,” he said. “Even though the government is within its sovereign rights to default, litigation would be a pain. Having the Fed create enough additional money to cover all debts is probably the least troublesome way to get out from under any perceived obligation to repay.”

Tax Scofflaws Infest Federal Government

IRS figures indicate that 300,000 federal employees have evaded over $3.5 billion in federal income taxes. Forty White House employees account for over $300,000 of these unpaid levies.

While some in the media find this scandalous, US Treasury Secretary Jack Lew does not. “When you think about it, the whole idea of a federal employee having to pay taxes on pay from the federal government is kind of nonsensical,” Lew observed. “Isn’t asking them to give back part of what we paid them wasted motion?”

Lew suggested that “some sort of amnesty is probably the best way to resolve this discrepancy. Most of these people are hard-working and underpaid public servants. We shouldn’t be hassling them for their initiative aimed at reducing the inefficient two-way shuffling of money back-and-forth. A better option for the future would be to exempt all federal employees and officeholders from all federal taxes.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

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