Category Archives: John Semmens

ACLU Sues Catholic Hospitals

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnCatholic hospitals’ refusal to perform birth control services that run counter to the Church’s beliefs came under fire from the American Civil Liberties Union this week as it launched a lawsuit aimed at compelling these institutions to comply with federal policy on this subject.

We’re taking a stand today to fight for pregnant women who are denied potentially life-saving care because doctors are forced to follow religious directives rather than best medical practices,” Brooke Tucker, an ACLU attorney, said. “That the Catholic Church considers abortion and sterilization intrinsically evil must not be allowed to grant them an exemption from abiding by rules laid down by the Affordable Care Act.”

Tucker dismissed First Amendment objections to the federal rules as “misguided. The First Amendment’s guarantee of religious freedom pertains to worship. The Catholic Church’s freedom to conduct religious activities is not at issue here. What is impermissible is for the Church to impose its beliefs in the field of medical services. A person seeking medical care has a right to all the benefits and procedures guaranteed by law. Every hospital must adhere to that law. If the Church cannot follow the law it should get out of the business of operating hospitals.”

In related news, claiming he is acting to implement the wishes of Pope Francis, Rep. Luis Gutiérrez (D-Ill) has introduced legislation that would guarantee Obamacare to all undocumented immigrants. “The Pope made it clear that it is our moral obligation to ensure that everyone, no matter where they were born, has a right to medical care,” the Congressman declared. In contrast, Gutierrez denied that his support of women’s abortion rights conflicted with the Pope’s position against this practice saying that, “if there is a conflict between the rights of a woman and the rights of the unborn, the woman’s rights take precedence.”

Kerry, Power Join Muslim Boycott of Netanyahu’s UN Speech

U.S. Secretary of State Kerry and the U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations Samantha Power joined representatives of Muslim nations who walked out on Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s speech. In his speech Netanyahu chastised the UN for its continued silence in the face of Iran’s repeated threat to wipe Israel off the map.

The Secretary characterized his actions as “simple common sense once you look at the numbers. Israel itself has about six million Jews. Worldwide there are maybe another six million. On the other hand, there are over a billion Muslims. Siding with the larger contingent is both the more prudent and democratic option.”

Ambassador Power seconded Kerry’s remarks and added “while it is understandable that the Israeli Prime Minister would get worked up over the prospect of his country being wiped off the map, from a broader perspective it is not such a big issue. Israel was wiped off the map by the Romans nearly 2,000 years ago and the rest of the world got along without it until 1948. So, in that sense, the world obviously doesn’t need to fret over whether the region is called Israel, Palestine, or something else.”

Iran’s Permanent Representative to the UN, Gholamali Khoshroo, praised Ambassador Power’s “incisive depiction of both the current and historical realities” and ventured that “it is a good harbinger of the benefits to be achieved through the continued cooperation between our two nations.”

Consensus for War with Russia Building

Russian intervention against opponents of the Assad government in Syria appears to have sparked a rising tide of bipartisan support for US countermeasures. Initially, Republican presidential candidate Carly Fiorina called for the US to resist the Russian initiative by force if necessary.

Determined not to be outflanked, Democratic presidential contender, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton echoed Fiorina by urging President Obama to establish a “no fly zone” over the rebel positions in order “to protect our investment in the anti-Assad rebels.”

Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) reminded everyone that “I’m the only one who has met with these rebels. Though by our standards they may not be good people, they are fighting for freedom as they see it.” McCain argued for “a subtler approach. Rather than an overt ‘no fly zone’ why don’t we just arm the rebels with Stinger missiles they could use to shoot down the Russian jets that are bombing them?”

In Congress, Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-Calif), the projected favorite to succeed Rep. John Boehner (R-Ohio) as Speaker of the House, endorsed the idea that “we’ve got to do something to counter the Russian intervention. For us to sit by idly while the President’s carefully crafted Middle East policy is disrupted will do incalculable damage to our nation’s credibility as the world’s leading superpower.”

Thus far, the only high-profile objection to going to war with Russia has come from GOP presidential contender Donald Trump who has suggested that “the Russians bombing the Islamic barbarians doesn’t seem so bad. To me, Putin seems the lesser evil. I can’t see fighting him to save fanatics who would behead you if they could.”

In related news, Jürgen Todenhöfer, a German journalist who spent 10 days living behind ISIS lines in Syria, reports that “the terrorists are eager to carry out the largest religious cleansing operation in human history. If they get their hands on nuclear weapons they will have no hesitation in using them to unleash a nuclear tsunami against the West. This is no ‘JV’ team. They are dangerous and determined.”

NYC Honors Rosenburgs

The New York City Council took the occasion of the 100th anniversary of the birth of Ethel Rosenburg to honor her and her husband Julius for demonstrating “great bravery.” The Rosenburgs were executed for treason in 1953 after they were convicted of passing atom bomb secrets to the Soviet Union.

Councilman Daniel Dromm (D-Queens) averred that “it took a lot of courage for the Rosenburgs to buck the anti-communist hysteria that was sweeping the nation during the post war period. From a parochial perspective, sharing the atom bomb appears traitorous. But from a more ecumenical standpoint it can be seen as an effort to establish a balance of power between reactionary and progressive forces.”

An American monopoly in nuclear weapons would have allowed the promulgation of reactionary social policies around the world to go unchecked,” Dromm maintained. “By assisting Stalin to obtain equivalent weapons the Rosenburgs helped to counter this US dominance. And as we can see today, history has vindicated their action. It’s time that their sacrifice gains a measure of well-deserved recognition.”

Planned Parenthood Denies Possibility of Abortion Survivors

Planned Parenthood’s chief executive officer Cecile Richards told Congressional investigators that she had never heard of such a thing as an “abortion survivor,” calling the concept “totally nonsensical.”

When a woman comes to us to terminate her pregnancy it would be a gross dereliction of duty if we were to permit a fetus to survive the procedure,” she said. “We take every conceivable precaution to ensure that this doesn’t happen.”

One precaution that Richards touted as fool proof was the harvesting of organs from the fetus. “Once the fetus has been dismembered and the organs extracted there is no chance of survival,” Richards pointed out. “So, in this regard, I think the videos made by the Center for Medical Progress would tend to confirm what I’m saying.”

The existence of apparent abortion survivors like Gianna Jessen didn’t faze Richards as she observed that “Ms. Jessen’s mother was not a patient at one of our facilities. I would argue that if the abortion were performed properly, as it would have been at Planned Parenthood, Gianna wouldn’t be going around today trying to undo the hard-won rights of women in America.”

Richards also argued that “we wouldn’t be earning over $400 million a year from abortions if we didn’t do a quality job. And an outcome in which the fetus isn’t terminated is not a quality job, in my opinion.”

U.S. to Close Last Uranium Plant

The Obama Administration has ordered the last remaining uranium processing facility in the United States to be closed. The final day of operations for the American Centrifuge project in Piketon, Ohio was September 30th.

Rep. Brad Wenstrup (R-Ohio) was aghast. “This is beyond belief,” he asserted. “While this administration is green-lighting uranium enrichment in Iran and legitimizing 6,000 Iranian centrifuges, they’re shutting down our only domestic production facility here in America.”

Secretary of State John Kerry belittled Wenstrup’s concern. “There are uranium processing facilities in Russia, France, the United Kingdom, Germany, and Holland,” Kerry said. “If we need any we could always buy it from one of these other sites.”

What the Congressman is overlooking is mollifying effect this closure will have on Iran and the world,” the Secretary added. “The urge of others to get into the nuclear arms racket has got to be dampened by our example. If we are winding down our program others may feel less threatened and may similarly turn away from such weapons.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.


Boehner Resignation Unleashes Cascade of Caterwauling

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnHouse Speaker John Boehner’s (R-Ohio) announcement that he is resigning from Congress effective October 30th was followed by a torrent of tears in Washington. Leading the sob fest, of course, was Boehner himself who lamented that “the blood, sweat, and tears I’ve shed for this country have gone unappreciated for too long.”

As if to contradict Boehner’s lament, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) praised “Boehner’s cooperative approach to getting things done,” and expressed the hope that “a similarly motivated and compliant successor can be found.”

A glum Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest called the resignation “a serious setback for the President’s agenda. Though President Obama had his differences with the Speaker both shared a respect for the importance of governance, of keeping the doors open and the funds flowing to the nation’s multitude of clients.”

President Obama himself was a little less pessimistic, saying that “Boehner will still hold the Speaker’s gavel for another five weeks. He has been our ‘ace-in-the-hole’ for more than four years. Now that he has nothing to fear from the Tea Party wing of his party there’s an opportunity to enact some of the reforms that these right-wing extremists have been blackmailing him to oppose.”

One of the reforms Obama said he hopes can be enacted before October 30th is “for Congress to delegate appropriation authority to the Executive branch. While I have been able to use executive orders to achieve some of the goals we all share, the threat still remains that this good work can be impeded by Congressional refusal to appropriate the necessary money. If the power to appropriate funds were delegated to the president the enlightened vision of the nation’s true ruler couldn’t be blocked by Congressional squabbling.”

Boehner promised “to do my best to live up to the president’s confidence in me,” but also pointed out that “a delegation of appropriation authority to the Executive branch would require the consent of the Senate. I can certainly work out a deal with Nancy in the House, but I can’t speak for the other chamber.”

It is rumored that Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ken) is working on a bill modeled after the Corker-Cardin legislation that proved instrumental in aiding the success of the president’s Iran deal. Under McConnell’s bill Congress would be given 30 days to reject any appropriation made by the president and if the president vetoed a Congressional act rejecting an appropriation, Congress could override the veto with a two-thirds majority.

US Has Plenty of Room for Muslim Refugees, Says Albright

Former Clinton Administration Secretary of State Madeleine Albright says the United States has plenty of vacant space that could be productively allocated to refugees from the Middle East.

Even the most casual glance at the vast swaths of unoccupied space inside this country shows that we have no valid excuse for denying entry to those displaced by unrest in their native countries,” Albright declared. “Take the wide-open lands of the state of Nevada as an example. Here is a climate that approximates that of the nations the refugees are fleeing. Why not set aside this state as a sort of reservation for Muslim immigrants?”

Albright urged citizens to demand that “Congress adopt this or some other set aside location. The refugee crisis will only get worse if we don’t provide a secure refuge for these people. Once ensconced in some of America’s vacant space they could replicate their culture, elect their own people to Congress, and help reaffirm America’s commitment to succor and diversity.”

Free Stuff” Gaffe Said to Doom Bush’s Candidacy

Republican presidential candidate former Florida Governor Jeb Bush faced a firestorm of criticism from the welfare lobby for asserting that his message of opportunity would win more Black votes than Democrats’ promises of more “free stuff.”

Democratic presidential race front runner former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton gloated over what she maintained “effectively ends his run for the nation’s top job. Bush’s pledge to preserve people’s opportunity to work their way up the ladder offers them nothing they couldn’t get on their own. What we offer is something in addition to what people can earn for themselves. Democrats are the Party that guarantees that the government will take care of everyone. Republicans are the Party that would force everyone get a job and support themselves.”

Not to be outdone by his presidential rival, Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders promised to “carve up the capitalist turkey and dish out shares to everyone. Why should the masses restrain themselves from expropriating the bourgeoisie? We have the numbers and, therefore, the power to vote for the redistribution of the nation’s wealth. We have only ourselves to blame if we fail to exercise that power.”

Sanders sought to distinguish himself from his “intellectual mentor” Vladimir Lenin by eschewing the prescribed “liquidation” of the capitalist class. “I am a peaceful man,” Sanders proclaimed. “Stripped of their property, the capitalist oppressors would be powerless. My more humane approach would allow them to take their place at the back of the line and receive their fair share of the redistributed wealth.”

Afghan Sex Slaves “Internal Matter,” Says Administration

Reports that US military personnel in Afghanistan have been ordered to ignore Afghan troops’ “bachi bazi”—the ritual kidnapping, imprisonment and rape of child sex slaves was defended by the Obama Administration as “a necessary compromise in the war on terror.”

The practice of holding and abusing under-aged boys as sex slaves is an ancient tradition in Afghanistan,” US Secretary of Defense Ashton Carter observed. “It is not our place to interfere.”

The Secretary drew a parallel with this country’s alliance with the Soviet Union during World War II. “The Soviet Union was an oppressive tyranny run by a paranoid psychopath,” Carter recounted. “Millions were sent to the gulag for trivial or non-existent offenses. Thousands were executed for imaginary crimes. By any measure, this was far worse than the rape of a few hundred little boys by our Afghan allies.”

Abiding Stalin’s lesser evil in order to gain his nation’s help in fighting Hitler’s greater evil was a necessary strategic decision,” Carter contended. “Likewise, abiding the peculiar cultural practices of our Afghan allies in the war against the Taliban terrorists is a price we must be willing to pay. The squeamishness of our troops cannot be permitted to interfere with our broader strategic objectives in the region.”

Carter justified the dismissal of Sgt. Charles Martland from the Army for his actions calling attention to the child rapes. “Our troops in the region have their orders,” Carter said. “By raising an unapproved alarm over the Afghan Army’s behavior, Sgt Martland disobeyed those orders. Discipline is a fundamental component of military cohesion. Just as US troops were ordered to ignore Soviet troops’ rape of German women in the closing days of WWII, Martland was ordered to ignore the Afghan troops’ rapes. Discharging him was our only option.”

Rep. Duncan Hunter (R-Calif) labeled this “strategic compromise ‘pathetic.’ We shouldn’t be repeating history’s past mistakes. Making the world safe for pedophiles is not a cause worthy of one drop of an American soldier’s blood. We should either stand for human freedom or withdraw from this fight.”

In related news, Carter denounced Russia’s intervention in Syria saying that “sending troops to battle ISIL in the region conflicts with President Obama’s more nuanced approach. Russia’s decision to just kill the Islamic State fighters contradicts the President’s efforts to assist these forces to help overthrow the Assad dictatorship.”

School District Bans “Tag”

The Mercer Island School District in the State of Washington has barred students from playing the game of “tag” on school grounds or within eyesight of school personnel. Communications director Macy Grade described the ban as “an essential step to ensure the physical and emotional safety of all students.”

In the game of “tag,” one child is designated as “it” until he or she can tag/touch another child and pass along the “it” status. Grade characterized the game as “potentially devastating to children’s self-esteem. First of all, the person who is ‘it’ is isolated and stigmatized. Second, all the other participants are traumatized by the risk of becoming ‘it’ unless they can successfully flee. Third, the chasing and fleeing exposes the children to potential injuries from falls or collisions.”

The decree banning the game followed the school districts unsuccessful attempt to revise the rules. Grade explained, “instead of one child being singled out as ‘it’ we tried to encourage the children to play a game of ‘us’ in which every participant is designated as ‘special’ so no one has to chase or flee. But the new game didn’t catch on. The children called it ‘boring’ and continued to engage in the dangerous, traditional version of the game.”

The district also sent a letter home with each student asking parents to help police the ban during non-school hours. “We can’t afford to let our best efforts to eradicate this scourge of childhood be undermined by the unsupervised play of youngsters when they are not on school grounds,” Grade said. “It is important that parents be on board and help prevent the harm this activity can wreak.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.


Scientists Urge President to Prosecute Global Warming Skeptics

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnA gaggle of university climatologists have written to President Obama and Attorney General Loretta Lynch urging them to prosecute people who continue to contradict the “scientific consensus” on climate change. Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse (D-RI) immediately endorsed the idea as “essential to our survival as a planet.”

The freedom of people able to contradict the accepted science impedes the government from taking the steps necessary to combat dangerous climate change,” Whitehouse contended. Paraphrasing a famous observation made by Supreme Court Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes for justifying suppression of free speech, the senator averred that “allowing a person to deny the truth of global warming is like allowing a person to deny there’s a fire in a crowded theater. When lives are at stake freedom must be curtailed for the common good.”

The authority Whitehouse cited for justifying the prosecution of skeptics is the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations (RICO) Act. This Act was passed in 1970 in order to give the government another tool in its war against organized crime.

Whitehouse insisted that “even though climate deniers aren’t gunning people down like mobsters do, the death toll from runaway climate change is likely to be far higher and more gruesome. In effect, those whose words are used to delay necessary government action are, in effect, enablers of mass murder and deserve to be treated as such. Hopefully, putting a few of the most ardent deniers behind bars will serve to silence others.”

Pelosi Says She Abhors Abortion

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) maintains that she abhors abortion and defended federal funding for Planned Parenthood as “the surest path toward reducing its frequency in the future.”

Each birth raises the population total,” Pelosi said. “The more babies that are aborted today, the fewer we will have to abort in the future. By holding down the population now, we avert the burden of having to fund even more abortions in the next generation.”

The Congresswoman contrasted “my long view with the short-sightedness of today’s knee-jerk opponents of sensible population control. I mean, isn’t it obvious that a future population of 600,000,000 would force us to abort twice as many babies as our current 300,000,000 population? Who’s the greater humanitarian—the person who saves one life today or the more farsighted person who sacrifices one life today in order to save two in the next generation?”

In related news, a bill to grant protection to babies that survive abortions was not passed unanimously. H.R.3504, titled the “Born-Alive Abortion Survivors Protection Act” was passed by the U.S. House of Representatives by a party line 248-177 vote. Rep. Judy Chu (D-Calif) voted against the bill saying that “it puts the interests of fetuses ahead of the interests of women. Why should the ability of a fetus to live be permitted to cancel out the wish of a woman who undergoes the procedure for the express purpose of preventing this life?”

Ex-Gov Gets Lifetime Pension for Four Months of Work

Former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey (D) was awarded a lifetime pension after only four months on the job as an attorney for Hudson County. County spokesman James Kennelly sought to abate outrage from taxpayers and other county employees who must put in years of work to qualify for much smaller pensions.

Governor McGreevey brought a unique experience — an intense commitment to the job,” Kennelly argued. “His four months on the job is worth far more than decades put in by any other county employee. So, I don’t think there are any grounds for complaints.”

Although he was unable to point to any specific accomplishment of McGreevey’s brief tenure as a county attorney, Kennelly insisted that “the intangibles of his inspirational role cannot be adequately measured nor appreciated by the average person. Frankly, in my opinion, no amount of money could be sufficient to compensate him for what he’s done.”

McConnell Rejects House Plea for Majority Rule on Iran Deal

A plea from 57 House Republicans to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) to allow the Senate majority to vote on the Iran treaty fell on deaf ears. At issue is McConnell’s refusal to bypass the filibuster of the Senate minority that is blocking a vote on the measure.

Rep. Lamar Smith (R-Texas), spokesman for the 57 GOP House members, emphasized that “voting on a matter as consequential as the Iran deal should take precedence over the preservation of a mere Senate rule.”

Although the Senate rule authorizing filibusters has no Constitutional or statutory basis, McConnell firmly rejected Smith’s arguments. “The United States Senate is the world’s greatest deliberative body,” McConnell claimed. “It didn’t get that way by simply yielding to majority sentiment. Preserving this historic role is more important than what happens on this one issue.”

It’s not as if this “historic role” hasn’t undergone occasional modifications. The threshold for shutting down a filibuster used to be two-thirds. Segregationists used the two-thirds rule to block numerous civil rights laws over many decades. In 1975, the ratio of votes required to end a filibuster was reduced to three-fifths. During former Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid’s tenure the ratio was reduced to a simple majority on one occasion.

McConnell was also unfazed by polls showing more than a two-thirds majority of Americans opposed to the Iran deal, saying that “the views held by voters cannot be expected to carry as much weight as the views of members of the Senate. Just doing what the majority wants is tantamount to mob rule. I will not acquiesce to such a desecration of the principles upon which our government operates.”

Smith was unimpressed by McConnell’s arguments and pointed out that “under our Constitution treaties are supposed to be affirmatively endorsed by two-thirds of the Senate. The Iran deal inverts that requirement. Shouldn’t Senator McConnell and all members of Congress, for that matter, put this Constitutional requirement ahead of the made-up procedures of the Senate no matter how hoary they may be?”

In related news, the Obama Administration declined to disclose the estimated number of Americans killed by Iran and its terror proxies since, according to Secretary of State John Kerry, “the only purpose this would serve is to potentially derail implementation of the deal we worked so hard to obtain. Rather than stir up points of disagreement, it’s better to let bygones be bygones.”

White House Justifies Inviting Critics of Catholic Doctrine to Meet Pope

In what some are characterizing as a breach of diplomacy, President Obama has invited several prominent critics of Catholic doctrine to his meeting with Pope Francis. Among these controversial invitees are a pro-abortion nun, a transgender woman, a homosexual Episcopal bishop, and two Catholic homosexual activists. The intent of this affront says Press Secretary Josh Earnest “is to make the point that religious doctrine, just like Constitutional law, must evolve to meet evolving social customs and beliefs. High profile leaders like Pope Francis cannot afford to resist these trends if the Church hopes to stay relevant in the 21st century.”

Obama Calls GOP Obstructionism America’s Biggest Threat

In a speech before the Business Roundtable President Obama urged corporate leaders to lobby the Republican Congress and ask their representatives to support increased budgetary authority. “Republican propaganda would cast Chinese hackers, Russian military adventures, or Islamic terror as the gravest threats to our way of life,” the president said. “Don’t fall for it. Nothing is as great a threat as the possibility that the omnibus budget won’t be approved in time to avert a government shutdown.”

While not totally dismissing these other dangers, Obama told the business leaders that “these are more distant and dissipated sources of trouble. Even if our computer security is compromised how big of a hit to your bottom line would this entail? Would a reestablished Soviet Union really be a negative outcome for your profitability? Would terrorists running amok massacring soldiers or bombing buildings really hurt your stock prices? I think upon reflection we’d all have to agree that each of these potential events would increase the need for government spending and would lead to more contracts and more income for well-positioned firms. On the other hand, a government shutdown would turn off the spigot of cash flowing from us to you.”

The president acknowledged that “it is unlikely that the anti-American right-wingers will prevail over our friends on the Republican side of the aisle,” but still advised businessmen “to not take it for granted and continue to apply pressure on wavering senators and representatives.”

Obama Blames Hillary for Syria Fiasco

The revelation that the millions the U.S. spent to train anti-Assad rebels in Syria has netted a total of five trained fighters has sparked criticism from even the most reliable of apologists for his regime: the New York Times. “By any reasonable standard, this is a pathetic return on our investment,” the Times editorialized.

The Obama Administration, however, refused to accept responsibility. U.S. Press Secretary Josh Earnest strove to deflect blame by pointing out that “the president’s preference has always been to kill our country’s enemies via drone strikes. The decision to try to train local Syrian rebels was taken in adherence to the advice of then Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. If anyone is at fault for the lack of substantive results from this training it has to be her.”

However, Hillary-for-President campaign manager Robby Mook rejected the Administration’s assessment of responsibility, saying that “it’s the president who is final decider on every policy of his Administration. Secretary Clinton merely advised him to opt for training the Syrians. It is the president who bears the ultimate responsibility for taking her advice. He can’t just shrug this off as someone else’s fault.”

Bush Stood on Tiptoes to “Level the Playing Field”

Videos showing the 6-foot, three-inch tall GOP presidential candidate Jeb Bush oddly standing on tiptoes for the group photo prior to Wednesday night’s debate has stimulated some ridicule of the candidate. This ridicule has prompted Bush campaign manager David Kochel to defend his man by claiming that “it was an effort to level the playing field. Carly Fiorina gets to boost her height by wearing high heels. Why shouldn’t Jeb try to offset her unfair advantage by similarly elevating himself?”

Muslim Migrants Demand End to Oktoberfest

Muslim immigrants living in Germany are petitioning the government for a ban on the annual Oktoberfest. The 16-day festival held in Bavaria is viewed as anti-Muslim since one of its main activities is drinking beer. “We’re not against the Christians drinking alcohol in private,” petitioner Iham Faakhir. “But these public displays are an insult to our faith.”

Faakhir portrayed his petition as “an act of restraint. For now we are abiding by the western political practice of peacefully asserting our demand. But the kafirs should not try our patience. Sharia law gives us the right to impose morality by force if necessary.”

The German government is reportedly considering whether discontinuing Oktoberfest might be necessary in order to preserve the peace. German Minister of the Interior Gerhard Erzfeigling wondered “whether trying to maintain German traditions is worth the bloodshed that is apt to occur if we do not accommodate the sensitivities of the Muslim minority.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Administration Doctoring ISIS Intel

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnMore than 50 analysts for the Defense Intelligence Agency have complained to the Department of Defense’s Inspector General that their reports are being fraudulently altered by “higher ups.” The gist of the alterations has been to make the Administration’s war against terror appear more successful than it actually is.

For the most part our efforts against ISIS have been ineffective,” said one analyst requesting anonymity. “Despite the drone strikes and the President’s tough talk, ISIS continues to gain strength. They have seized the American-made weapons abandoned by an Iraqi Army unwilling to fight. ISIS atrocities remain unabated. There is no on-the-ground evidence for President Obama’s claim that we are degrading this organization’s abilities.”

Director of National Intelligence James Clapper defended the alterations as “within the normal bounds of executive privilege. These low-level analysts lack the vision to comprehend President Obama’s strategy. They do not grasp the point that an official stance describing ISIL as degraded is a psy-op intended to both bolster our allies and undermine the morale of ISIL’s fighters.”

Clapper went on to characterize the balky analysts as “insubordinate, at best. By going public with their objections they have damaged the President’s strategy and might well be guilty of treason. Rooting out this nest of vipers and neutralizing them has been moved to the top of my agenda.”

Gov Brings Armed Guards to Anti-Gun Rally

Virginia Governor Terry McAuliffe (D) brought his own armed guards to a Washington DC anti-gun rally sponsored by Michael Bloomberg’s anti-gun advocacy group Everytown for America. The Governor saw no irony or hypocrisy in his action.

First of all, DC is a very dangerous place with a high rate of gun related violence,” McAuliffe said. “It would be foolhardy for me to expose myself without having some sort of protection. Second, a governor is no ordinary, expendable average schmo. My elevated position of power makes me a target. I have a right to defend myself against anti-government radicals.”

McAuliffe also pointed out that “all of my bodyguards are trained professionals. There is little danger that these armed individuals will use their weapons to commit crimes or to accidentally shoot someone. These aren’t the type of people we’re trying to disarm. We are looking to keep guns out of the hands of the untrained non-professionals who might easily hurt themselves or someone else if they have access to firearms.”

The Governor laughed off the contention that outlawing private ownership of guns would disarm the law-abiding while leaving criminals free to use guns. “If trained professionals and criminals were the only ones with guns I’d call that a step forward,” he asserted. “We’d eliminate the vast majority of accidental shootings. By removing the fear that their victims might be armed we’d also eliminate the need for criminals to use deadly force against them. Without access to guns people will be more cautious about where they go and what they do. Needless trips into the bad part of town during a bad time of day would be avoided. This would save energy and reduce air pollution—two other socially beneficial outcomes.”

Tearing Babies Apart Called “Humane”

In testimony before the House Judiciary Committee, Priscilla Smith, a Director and Senior Fellow at the Program for the Study of Reproductive Justice at Yale Law School, maintained that dismemberment abortions are “humane.” The procedure entails gripping the child with medical instruments, twisting off limbs one-by-one until the baby bleeds to death and then crushing the head.

Asked by Committee Chairman Rep. Bob Goodlatte (R-Va) whether such a “humane” procedure would be an appropriate method of executing convicted murderers, Ms. Smith said “no. Even if the condemned individual were sedated tearing him apart would be horrifically barbaric and messy. Rather than having arms and legs of just a few inches in length the parts would be much larger, as would the quantity of blood spilled.”

Smith also emphasized “the fact is that the law does not permit the dismemberment of prisoners as this would be cruel and unusual—a punishment forbidden by our Constitution. In contrast, there are no legal prohibitions of the dismemberment of unwanted fetuses.”

In a fund-raising letter to donors, Democratic National Committee Chair Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz (Fla) averred that she was “pissed off by these efforts to drum up public opposition to federal funding for Planned Parenthood. Publicizing the grisly details of these medical procedures is an invasion of privacy that disgusts and nauseates me. A woman’s right to an abortion has been the law of the land since the Supreme Court enacted it in 1973. It’s long past the time that efforts to undo this law should have ceased.”

Administration Brushes Off Court Ruling

The Obama Administration brushed off U.S. District Court Judge Rosemary Collyer’s ruling that the GOP’s lawsuit against unappropriated spending for health care would proceed. In her decision, Collyer wrote that “the Constitution could not be more clear: ‘No Money shall be drawn from the Treasury but in consequence of Appropriations made by Law.’ Neither the president nor his officers can authorize appropriations; the assent of the House of Representatives is required before any public monies are spent.”

While the President is disappointed that this errant judge has aided and abetted a GOP political stunt, the ruling will have no impact on what the President will or won’t do to improve health care in this country,” Press Secretary Josh Earnest promised. “Court rulings don’t enforce themselves. It takes executive action to ensure enforcement. I assure you that there will be no executive action to comply with this ruling.”

Under our Constitution the courts have no delegated authority to order either of the other branches of government around,” Earnest added. “Each branch is free to cooperate with or to oppose whatever the courts may decide. That is the essence of separation of powers. To simply knuckle under to whatever a court says would transform our democracy into a judicial tyranny. The President cannot be expected to submit to that.”

Mid-East Refugees Reject Billionaire’s Offer

An Egyptian billionaire’s offer to buy a Mediterranean island for refugees from the war-torn Middle East region to inhabit and build a new country was not well received by the intended beneficiaries.

Building a new country is too much work,” complained Muhammad Moosheer. “Why can’t we go to countries that will give us food and houses? Why should we be denied the benefits that America or Germany grant to their people?”

US President Obama agreed, calling the job of building a new country from the ground up “daunting. Frankly, the idea makes no sense. There’s no need to reinvent the wheel. We have the resources necessary to rescue and sustain these refugees. They shouldn’t have to undertake the arduous task of providing for themselves.”

To bolster his argument, President Obama cited statistics indicating that three-fourths of the immigrants to the United States from the Middle East are now receiving welfare from the federal government. “We have shown that it is possible to obtain decent housing, sustenance, and even many of the perks of life without having to sell yourself into wage-slavery,” he boasted. “The refugees should follow the path blazed by their fellow Muslims.”

In related news, Muslim refugees in Macedonia rioted over aid packages sent by the Red Cross. “We will not accept this unclean Christian food,” shouted refugee leader, Iman Jakash. “We demand Muslim aid.” Whether there will be any Muslim aid forthcoming seems doubtful. Saudi Arabia refuses to feed these co-religionists, but has offered to fund the construction of 200 mosques in Germany provided the refugees are admitted to that country. “Simply feeding these refugees does nothing to ensure the spreading of the faith,” said Abdul Fahraud, spokesman for the Saudi Office of Religious Affairs. “Ensuring that they will have houses of worship in which to pray and associate with kindred believers is a much more vital endeavor for the spread of Islam.”

White House Says Iran Deal Will Go into Effect Next Week

Dismissing Republican objections that he has failed to comply with the Corker-Cardin law’s requirement that all portions of the deal with Iran must be disclosed to Congress, President Obama proclaimed that the agreement will be implemented next week.

At this point, whether Congress goes along is a moot issue,” Obama declared. “The UN has already approved it. A lower authority cannot overrule this higher authority. Besides, the GOP can’t even get a Senate vote on a resolution to disapprove the deal anyway. So, there’s no way they’re going to stop me.”

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell concurred, saying that “President Obama has outmaneuvered us once again. He is a political genius of a sort heretofore unseen in American history. Attempting to resist his will is futile. The best we can hope to do is try to salvage our seats and get a fair share of federal spending for our states and districts.”

In related news, Iran’s Ayatollah Ali Khamenei vowed that “thanks to our victory over the Great Satan in these negotiations we will be able to erase Israel from the map within the next 25 years and the United States within the next 50 years. This is a historic day in the march of Islam toward the achievement of a single faith for all humanity.”

DOJ Declines to Pursue Email Controversy

The Department of Justice says it will not pursue an investigation of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s use of a private email account for the transmission of classified government documents.

On paper it looks like Secretary Clinton broke the law,” Attorney General Loretta Lynch admitted. “Juxtaposed to this, however, we have to consider the fact that President Obama gave his permission for Mrs. Clinton to use her private email system. Since he is the superior and she is the subordinate she cannot be held liable for merely following orders. To do so would seriously degrade discipline, obedience, and loyalty throughout the Executive Branch of our government. That would be a greater evil than Mrs. Clinton’s nominal violation of the law.”

Lynch also declined to pursue possible charges against Clinton aide Huma Abedin despite a State Department Inspector General’s report indicating her possible embezzlement of federal funds, saying that “the amount involved appears too small to warrant the expense of further investigation. The $10,000 that was stolen would be dwarfed by the cost of further inquiry. Simply writing off the loss is the more frugal course of action.”

In related news, Clinton told a crowd at a campaign rally that she “will put employers who steal the labor of the working class behind bars. All the value of the goods and services in the economy is created by the efforts of the workers. If I’m elected president, employers who try to deny workers the full value of their labor and who try to expropriate this value for their own profit will be punished.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Democrat Says Drop Benghazi Investigation

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnMember of the House Select Committee on Benghazi Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) is calling for an end to the investigation. As Schiff sees it, “the hearings can serve no useful purpose. Closing them down will save the taxpayers’ money.”

Schiff, who has attended only one of the Committee’s 45 sessions, reasoned that “even if it is incontrovertibly proven that former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was responsible for the lapses that resulted in the death of Ambassador Stevens and several others there is no remedy Congress can implement. The dead cannot be brought back to life. And Mrs. Clinton has already resigned the post.”

The Congressman pooh-poohed the possibility that criminal liability might be shown. “Bad judgment is not a felony,” Schiff argued. “Selecting a local Muslim cadre to provide security may have been stupid. Blocking a rescue attempt may have been cowardly. Concocting a false cover story may have been dishonest, but such stories are routine tools of diplomacy.”

Bryan Pagliano, the man who set up Mrs. Clinton’s private email account announced that he will avail himself of the US Constitution’s Fifth Amendment protection against self-incrimination if he is required to appear before the Committee. Schiff cited this as “further proof that there is no smoking gun to be found by continuing the investigation.”

“At best, Congress might urge the Attorney General to press ahead with a criminal investigation, but does anyone sincerely believe a serious investigation would be undertaken?” Schiff jibed. “Isn’t it more likely that Attorney General Lynch would either decline to take up the matter or simply issue a finding of insufficient evidence? And let’s not forget that President Obama could just pardon Mrs. Clinton and spare the country further agony.”

Poor Turnout for Screening of Planned Parenthood Videos

The Susan B. Anthony List invited 2,000 Democratic Congressional staffers to a screening of the undercover videos that have been released by the Center for Medical Progress. Only ten showed up. Only three would look at any of the videos. Only two unpaid interns watched all 90 minutes of tape.

SBA President Marjorie Dannenfelser acknowledged that “viewing the horrors shown to be taking place at Planned Parenthood is difficult. Nevertheless, awareness of the enormity of the crimes being committed by this organization is an important step if we hope to end them. Abortionists in this country have murdered over 50 million children. By shining more light on some of these atrocities the Center for Medical Progress may spur the type of action needed to put a stop to the continued slaughter of innocents.”

In contrast, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) praised “the courage of our dedicated staffers for resisting this emotional appeal aimed at diverting them from aiding our Party in its pursuit of a progressive agenda. Using pictures of chopped up babies and covertly obtained tapes of Planned Parenthood officials haggling with anti-abortion activists posing as prospective buyers of these fetal tissues is reprehensible. This time they have gone too far. I am hopeful that the callous invasion of privacy perpetrated by the Center for Medical Progress and abetted by the Susan B. Anthony List won’t go unpunished now that they have exposed themselves for what they are.”

Clinton Apologizes for “People’s Confusion about My Emails”

In yet another attempt to dampen the negative implications emanating from her 2009 decision to use a private email account for official State Department business, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said she was “sorry that people are so confused by the issue.”

Clinton acknowledged that “the decision was not well thought out. I didn’t stop to think about the potential downside of using an unsecured network for the highly confidential messages my work would entail. I was too eager to dive into the much more important business of resolving the diplomatic mess left behind by the outgoing Bush Administration.”

The presidential candidate then sought to clarify matters “for voters who have been misled by Republican efforts to use this complex situation for political advantage. My decision to use a private account for public business was not an unusual one. While it may not have been in accord with statutory law, it was a common practice authorized by President Obama and was widely used within the Administration. That I am being singled out for scrutiny is a desperate ploy by the GOP to try to block my ascension to the presidency.”

While admitting that her private email account may have been hacked (this week a private hacker offered Mrs. Clinton’s 30,000 emails for sale with a $500,000 price tag), she contended that “continued prying into this past history risks exposing vital secrets to our more dangerous enemies—not the Chinese, Russians, or even the Islamic State—but the right-wing elements who have a realistic chance of undoing the progressive reforms of President Obama that my election in 2016 would preserve and build upon.”

In related news, GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump’s speculation that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s personal aide Huma Abedin may have shared her classified emails with her husband—Anthony Weiner—was labeled “absurd” by the former congressman. “These are not the kind of emails my wife and I send to each other,” Weiner said. “Anyone who knows me and knows my history with emails and sexts also knows I have no interest in such matters. Huma would never send me boring memos on ISIS or Russia. She knows my taste runs more toward the erotic.”

Judge Defends Jailing of Kentucky Clerk

Kim Davis, the Kentucky county clerk who refused to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, was led away in shackles after U.S. District Judge David Bunning ordered her to be held in jail until she agrees to comply with his orders.

Bunning justified the harsh treatment calling “contempt of court among the most serious offenses against the rule of law in this country. The humiliation of shackles and the open-ended nature of the incarceration is needed to strike fear into both Ms. Davis and others who night contemplate challenging our authority.”

The judge belittled Davis’ contention that her natural right to freedom of religion was being infringed, saying that “the idea of natural law superseding court authority would be a dangerous precedent. The US Constitution firmly establishes the courts as the ultimate arbiter of justice. Government officers at all levels—federal, state, and local—cannot refuse to carry out what a court directs them to do. Likewise, any statute or ordinance that is incompatible with a court’s ruling must be swept aside.”

Kerry Sees Lessons from WWII for Fight against Global Warming

US Secretary of State John Kerry told attendees at the Global Leadership in the Arctic conference in Alaska that global warming presents a threat every bit as severe as World War II did 75 years ago.

“World War II was the most disastrous event of the twentieth century,” Kerry said. “Over 50 million people died as a result. Global warming could easily top that toll. That is why it is imperative that the leaders of the world steel themselves for the hard choices they will have to make to combat this threat.”

An example of the kind of hard choice leaders have to steel themselves to make is “the possible internment of potentially dangerous segments of the population. Students of history recall that US President Franklin Roosevelt took the hard step of imprisoning Americans of Japanese descent. It is not too difficult to envision a future president taking a similar step to imprison global warming deniers in order to prevent them from impeding the actions necessary to stave off undesirable climate change.”

“Maybe a stint in an internment camp will aid in reeducating these misguided individuals,” Kerry hoped. “But we must be prepared for sterner measures if mere internment fails to do the job. The United States undertook some harsh actions to ensure that World War II could be won. We may have to undertake similarly harsh actions to ensure that the fight against global warming is won.”

Boehner Outraged over Mountain Name Change

This week, President Obama announced he was using his executive authority to rename the nation’s tallest peak Mount Denali. The peak was named after former President William Mckinley by Congress in 1917. McKinley’s career of public service included a stint in the US House of Representatives, a term as Governor of Ohio, and a a bit more than one term as President from 1897 until he was assassinated in 1901 after being reelected in 1900.

A red-faced House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) called President Obama’s unilateral decision to rename Mount McKinley “an outrage. It makes my blood boil. This mountain was named by an Act of Congress. President Obama has no right to change it without Congress’ consent. He has acted lawlessly.”

Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest found Boehner’s objections “amusing. There is nothing in the Constitution that gives Congress the authority to name mountains. There is nothing in the Constitution barring the President from changing the names of mountains. There is nothing that Mr. Boehner can do to undo what President Obama has done.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

EPA to Defy Judge

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnJudge Ralph Erickson of the District Court for the District of North Dakota granted plaintiffs an injunction against the Environmental Protection Agency’s implementation of new navigable waterways regulations that were set for immediate enforcement. The EPA’s new regulations would have extended its authority over every body of water within the United States including rain runoff, temporary puddles, and spillage from yard sprinklers and driveways where home owners wash their vehicles.

The Judge observed that “it seems extremely improbable that the proposed EPA authority could conceivably apply to the so-called ‘navigable waterways’ described. As such, the 13 states suing the EPA would appear likely to win based on the merits of the case. An injunction pending the outcome of their suit is the best means for limiting the damages that taxpayers will be forced to pay if the regulations are permitted to go forward.”

EPA Press Secretary Melissa Harrison said the Agency “will go forward with implementation in the 44 states that are not covered by Erickson’s decision. The Administration disagrees with the presumption that the plaintiffs will win their suit.” As evidence, Harrison cited Judge Lisa Godbey Wood of the District Court for the Southern District of Georgia’s rejection of a plea for an injunction in a suit filed by 11 other states.

What we have here is one judge attempting to impede a policy decreed by the leader of the free world,” she asserted. “Surely, the scales of justice will tip toward the greater weight represented by President Obama and the majority of judges who have accepted his rule. I mean, is there really any doubt that the US Supreme Court will eventually uphold this regulation? They’ve upheld every other major policy innovation he’s backed.”

Clinton Likens Planned Parenthood Critics to Terrorists

Seeking to divert attention from her admittedly unwise and likely illegal handling of classified material through her unsecured private email account, Democratic presidential contender Hillary Clinton sought to draw a parallel between advocates of defunding Planned Parenthood and Islamic terrorists.

Both groups relegate women to second class status,” Clinton claimed. “Both deny women the right to control their reproductive heath. Both would force women to be vessels for carrying unwanted children into the world. Both espouse out-of-date ideas about how the world should work.”

GOP presidential contender Sen. Marco Rubio (Fla) characterized Clinton’s claims “as twisted and malevolent an inversion of morality as we are likely to see from a purportedly sane person. Islamic terrorists are cutting off the heads of those who oppose their barbarism. Planned Parenthood is cutting off the heads of children and selling them as raw material for medical research. Lumping those who want to stop taxpayer funding of Planned Parenthood’s diabolical profiteering from the murder and dismemberment of innocent babies with Islamic murderers is as evil a slander as any ever perpetrated by the Nazis.”

Unfazed by Rubio’s counter, Clinton pointed out that “all of the babies aborted are unwanted. Planned Parenthood is merely aiding both the women who don’t want them and the babies themselves to avoid a life of burdens and suffering. Defraying some of the costs of this noble endeavor by recovering and selling parts that otherwise would simply be trashed helps reduce the amount of public funds we must appropriate for the organization to carry on this vital work.”

In related news, Planned Parenthood announced that a study it commissioned exonerated the organization from all charges of wrongdoing related to the videos revealing some of its chief officials discussing the sale of baby parts. “In none of these videos do we see any money changing hands,” Cecile Richards, president of Planned Parenthood Federation of America, said. “What we see is the Center for Medical Progress getting Planned Parenthood personnel drunk and eliciting giggling boasts about some of the humorous aspects of the business. While some might find such behavior distasteful, both our attorneys and representatives from the US Attorney General’s office have assured me that it is not criminal.”

Boehner Warns GOP Voters Against Cruz

House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) warned voters against falling for GOP presidential candidate Sen. Ted Cruz’s “siren song of feel-good, but politically unviable policy prescriptions.” Boehner’s remarks came at a Colorado fund-raising event.

Securing the border, defunding Planned Parenthood, killing the deal with Iran may sound good to unsophisticated ears, but they aren’t going to go anywhere,” Boehner told wealthy donors. “President Obama is going to block all of these notions. If we follow Cruz we get nothing. If we go along with the President we stand a chance of getting a piece of the action.”

The “piece of the action” Boehner is so keen to hold onto includes “ensuring that important Republican constituencies get a share of government spending thrown their way. The federal government buys lots of stuff. Seeing that it buys some of this stuff from our donors is our responsibility Sacrificing this potential cash flow for the sake of futile challenges to the President’s agenda is foolish. Cruz is a jackass for pushing them.”

Administration Makes End Run Around 2nd Amendment

In a move said to side-step Constitutional impediments to reasonable gun control, US Secretary of State John Kerry signed on to a UN agreement establishing an international gun registry and controls over the sale and transport of “small arms.”

Every sensible effort to restrict access to guns in the United States has been blocked by court rulings citing the Second Amendment’s ‘right to bear arms,’” Kerry complained. “Well, the US Constitution doesn’t apply to the UN. It is not fettered by the kind of out-of-date notions that stymie policy in this country.”

While the gun extremists at the NRA may not be satisfied, the agreement will allow individuals to own and use guns for legitimate purposes,” Kerry reassured. “Duck hunters can keep their shot guns. Elk hunters can keep their rifles. Professional bodyguards can keep their pistols. But the availability of access to firearms for use in domestic murders or by self-styled militias and vigilantes will be sharply curtailed.”

Kerry dismissed possible Senate opposition as “a non-issue. The Senate only has jurisdiction over treaties. This is not a treaty. It is an agreement among sovereigns. President Obama, as the sovereign of the United States has the absolute right to make this agreement and commit this country to abide by its provisions.”

Congresswoman Calls Fetal Parts Sales Humane and Life-Saving

Rep. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (D-Fla) waded into the Planned Parenthood controversy and insisted that carving up the unborn for spare parts is both “humane and life-saving.”

First of all, what could be more humane than putting these unwanted creatures out of their misery?” the Congresswoman wondered. Saying that “I doubt that fetuses could feel pain, but even if they could the momentary pain of a medical instrument slicing the spinal cord has got to be far less painful than a lifetime of poverty and abuse as an unwanted child.”

Second, given that the law grants a woman the unrestricted right to terminate her pregnancy, doesn’t it make sense to try to salvage the residue?” Wasserman-Schultz asked. “I have heard that a company in California transplants salvaged fetal kidneys and implants them in rats where they can be grown and later used as a transplant for someone. Those heaping criticism on Planned Parenthood never mention this life-saving repurposing of recovered biological material.”

In related news, Planned Parenthood is suing the State of Louisiana for terminating its taxpayer-funded subsidies. Planned Parenthood official Cecile Richards called the State’s action “an illegal usurpation of President Obama’s authority to determine how government funds are to be used. The federal government gives Louisiana money earmarked for Planned Parenthood. The State has no right to refuse and return it to taxpayers.”

Obama Accuses Jeter of Cheating

President Barack Obama leveled cheating charges against former Yankee great Derek Jeter as the athlete easily beat him in a round of golf.

Press Secretary Josh Earnest alleged that “the president’s prowess has been borne out in hundreds of rounds over the past six years where he has gone undefeated against every prior opponent. How likely is it that Jeter would be the only person to win against him?”

Earnest brushed aside the possibility that a skilled professional athlete of Jeter’s caliber might have genuinely been a better golfer. “Let me point out that the president has more hours of golf under his belt than Mr. Jeter has,” Earnest argued. “Mr. Jeter was a baseball player. Any contention that skills that might have worked for him in that sport could somehow translate into golf skills sufficient to best the President seems dubious.”

Jeb Slams Asian Immigration

Hectored by Latino illegal immigrants for using the term “anchor baby,” GOP presidential candidate former Florida governor Jeb Bush contended that he was referring to Asian immigrants.

China and India are the real threat,” Bush maintained. “There are over a billion of each of them. That’s enough to totally overwhelm the 300 million Americans living in this country. There are only 125 million Mexicans. Even if every one of them migrated to the United States we’d still outnumber them by a wide margin.”

The candidate went on to outline what he called “a strong plan to interdict illegal Asian immigration using the vast size of the Pacific Ocean as our first line of defense. Unlike Mexicans they can’t simply walk into this country unless they go to Mexico first. But I will work with the government of Mexico on a joint operation to prevent Asians from using this route. Those flying or sailing to the United States will, of course, be intercepted at the airports and seaports.”

Bush hastened to remind reporters that “so far I’m the only candidate with a plan targeting this threat. Asians are worse because they come here to take our high-paying jobs. Most of the Mexicans who come here take jobs mowing lawns and cleaning homes—saving many middle class families from having to do these chores.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Bush Endorses Universal Surveillance

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnIn a bid to position himself as the “Big Brother” candidate in juxtaposition to what he characterized as the “Angry Uncle” candidacy of Donald Trump, former Florida Governor Jeb Bush called for an end to “private encryption of any and every kind.”

When private individuals encrypt their communications it makes it difficult, if not impossible, for government authorities to carry out their jobs,” Bush complained. The source of the problem, according to Bush, is the resistance of communications companies to the idea of providing a covert “back door” by which government officials can discretely access an individual’s phone and email without having to go through the cumbersome process of obtaining a warrant.

The former governor dismissed fears that the government itself might misuse such access as “fanciful. The government’s only interest is to protect the people from evildoers. The idea that government might use access to everyone’s data to oppress its own people is ludicrous. We live in a democracy. Democracies don’t oppress people.”

Bush went on to claim that “people who aren’t doing anything wrong have nothing to fear from government eavesdropping. Only those engaged in communications aimed at subverting legitimate government authority, slandering public officials, uttering hate speech toward protected groups, or other questionable activities would be targeted for enforcement actions.”

While admitting that the “back door” he is demanding be open for government access might also be used by hackers to pilfer an individual’s identity, Bush insisted that “it’s worth the risk. It’s time that we draw a ‘line-in-the-sand’ between the good guys and the bad guys. It will be every person’s responsibility to decide which side of that line they want to be on—either they’re with the government or against it. Selfishly trying to protect yourself from criminals at the expense of denying the government full access puts you on the wrong side of that line.”

Iranian President Lashes out at Those Who Slander Islam

Iranian President Hassan Rouhani denounced “those who would use the murders committed by ISIS, Hamas, and kindred terrorist organizations to contradict the truth that Islam is a religion of peace” and called upon all true Muslims “to rise up and slay the defamers.”

Rouhani rejected the contention that his own endorsement of the “death to America” slogan might fuel the perception that Islam might not be a religion of peace. “America is the prime opponent of world peace,” Rouhani argued. “Crushing the infidel enemy of peace is the only sure path to the universal peace that will prevail when all the world is united under the one true faith.”

The bombings, the beheadings, and the rapes will stop once the advocates of erroneous doctrines are permanently silenced,” Rouhani promised. “Peaceful submission to the will of Allah is a path open to every person of every race. Violence is only meted out to those who resist this peaceful path.”

In related news, Secretary of State John Kerry tried to downplay the disclosure that under a secret side agreement of the deal he negotiated with Iran, Iran will have the right to choose who will and won’t be allowed to inspect suspected nuclear weapons development sites by pointing out “its cost-saving impact. By using local Iranians as the inspectors we save travel expenses that would be incurred by outsiders who would have to fly in from some other country.”

In a related cost-saving measure, it has been revealed that the Veterans’ Administration has been shredding rather than reading letters from vets. Deputy Secretary Sloan Gibson cited “the substantial reduction in hours of work and the associated costs avoided are key factors in staying within the budgetary limits imposed on the agency by Congress.”

Planned Parenthood Threats to Sue

Planned Parenthood’s executive vice president Dawn Laguens said the organization is weighing whether to sue the Center for Medical Progress, the group behind the release of videos showing that Planned Parenthood is engaged in murdering, dismembering, and selling aborted babies.

Since these videos were made secretly without Planned Parenthood’s explicit consent they constitute an egregious invasion of privacy,” Laguens maintained. “Invasion of privacy is a crime. That makes the videos the ‘fruit from the poisoned tree’ and inadmissible as evidence against Planned Parenthood for any alleged crimes depicted in the videos.”

Laguens also contested the idea that there are any grounds for prosecuting Planned Parenthood for the acts shown in the videos. She cited a letter to Congress from Jim Esquea, Assistant Secretary for Legislation for the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, asserting that “dismembering fetal tissue and selling it with or without the permission of the mother is completely legal.”

Though the videos might not be admissible in any future prosecution of Planned Parenthood, Laguens contended that “they could be used as evidence in a civil suit against the Center for Medical Progress. Not only have the reputations of the well-regarded leaders of this great American institution been besmirched, but the privacy of the specimens has also been breached. Faces and naked bodies that were meant to be kept strictly private have been blandished all over the Internet. This amounts to the promulgation of child pornography—the very crime for which former Subway spokesman Jared Fogle has been convicted.”

While Laguens acknowledged that “there probably isn’t much money to be had in the form of court-awarded damages from the Center for Medical Progress, but making an example of them could be crucial to the financial success of Planned Parenthood going forward. On the one hand, crushing this small organization may dissuade others from pursuing similar stunts aimed at derailing Planned Parenthood’s historic mission. On the other, our friends in government will be better armed to fend off attempts to cut Planned Parenthood’s access to public funds if the instigators of this scandal are being sued.”

In related news, Planned Parenthood has launched a series of political attack ads targeting members of Congress who voted to cut its federal funding. “Those seeking to parlay these scurrilous videos into a mechanism for advancing their anti-abortion agenda will pay a price for their sins,” Laguens bragged. “We’re urging voters to terminate the political careers of those pushing this war on women’s reproductive rights.”

Islamic State Charges US with War Crime

The Islamic State announced it is filing war crime charges against the United States with the International Court of Justice at The Hague in the Netherlands. The complaint alleges that the growing number of IS fighters coming down with AIDS are “victims of germ warfare originating from the nefarious labs of the American Government.” IS doesn’t deny that the infections resulted from their troops’ rape of captured women, but alleges that “the taint of AIDS is the responsibility of the United States. Raping captured women has been a right exercised by Muslim warriors for over a thousand years. The introduction of this new and deadly pathogen exploits Muslim tradition and constitutes a criminal violation of the rules of war.”

The potential impact on the Islamic State’s ability to survive is deemed substantial. “Participation in this ‘spoil of war’ is nearly universal,” said IS lawyer Weir Sqru’ud. “It’s likely only a matter of time before the infection reaches pandemic levels. Our ability to defend the Caliphate is severely compromised.”

On behalf of the Islamic State, Squ’ud is asking for the Court “to order an end to US bombing of IS targets” and for “an award of damages in amounts sufficient for the recruitment of replacement troops from among Muslim populations around the world.”

Without accepting blame, the Obama Administration agreed to send Secretary of State John Kerry to meet with IS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi or his designee to try to negotiate a settlement. “It’s a question of trying to come to some sort of reasonable compromise,” Kerry said. “Winning just because the enemy gets sick strikes me as a particularly dishonorable way to conclude our country’s interaction with ISIL. Finding a mutually agreeable means of leveling the playing field is, in my view, an attainable goal for our negotiations.”

Clinton Camp Deflects Email Scandal

The Hillary Clinton for President campaign is seeking to deflect criticism of the candidate’s handling of her email account while Secretary of State by casting her as “a passive and unwitting naif” rather than a deliberate liar and lawbreaker.

As anyone who has had to deal with government regulations knows, the rules are opaque and difficult to understand,” said Brian Fallon, a spokesman for Mrs. Clinton’s campaign. “Who hasn’t had nightmares trying to cope with IRS forms? What business hasn’t run afoul of incoherent EPA guidelines? It shouldn’t take much imagination for voters to comprehend the problems that confronted Hillary when she was appointed Secretary of State. How was she expected to know what was and wasn’t classified? We’re confident that the vast majority of voters will see her mishandling of secret material as an innocent mistake.”

Fallon further contended that “using a private server may have actually improved security. Can there be any doubt that foreign spies are constantly attempting to break into government communications? Just last week, current Secretary of State John Kerry conceded that China and Russia are probably reading the emails he sends and receives on his government provided server. By breaking the rules and conducting her communications through a server housed in a bathroom closet in Colorado, Secretary Clinton may have done a better job of keeping her emails confidential than her successor has by following the rules.”

In support of Mrs. Clinton’s innocence, Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif) suggested that “the confidential material found in Secretary Clinton’s emails may have been planted there by her political enemies. To-date, no one has conclusively proved that she was even aware of these emails. I suggest that we quiz her on the content to find out if she has even read them. If she doesn’t know what’s in these emails I think that would be pretty persuasive evidence that she neither wrote nor read any of them.”

In contrast, Representative John Yarmuth (D-Ken) was unimpressed by the effort to portray Clinton as an ignorant victim of complicated and confusing regulations, saying “if she was too naive to cope with State Department rules maybe she is too naive to be president. I mean, I have sympathy for the struggles of a person out of her depth, but can we really afford to put an innocent dupe in charge of our government?”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Carson, BLM Clash on Issues

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnGOP presidential hopeful Dr. Ben Carson and leaders of the Black Lives Matter movement clashed this week following Carson’s assertion that BLM is “creating strife.” As Carson sees it, “Blacks have been led down a dead-end road to dependency and murder via abortion by Democrat policies.”

The message that Democrats are sending by their support for the welfare state is that Blacks can’t make it on their own efforts,” Carson argued. “This is ridiculous. Blacks are as capable as whites if they apply their God-given talents to the world around them.”

The candidate was even more critical of Democrats’ unwavering support for taxpayer financed abortions, which he called “the leading cause of death in the Black community. More Black children are killed by abortion than by gang wars or cops.”

BLM co-founder Alicia Garza rejected Carson’s view. “The issue isn’t whether Blacks are capable of making their own way, but whether they should have to,” Garza said. “For centuries white plantation owners who were capable of supporting themselves depended on the labors of Black slaves. The government benefits Blacks are now receiving are a small down payment on the reparations owed for that debt.”

And Carson’s characterization of abortion as the leading cause of death for Blacks completely misses the point,” Garza continued. “All the Black babies terminated by abortion free Black women from the oppression of unwanted motherhood. These are women taking charge of their reproductive processes. These are women liberating themselves from burdens they choose not to bear. For Carson to compare these acts of self-liberation to cops shooting Blacks is shameful.”

Garza warned Carson that “he shouldn’t think himself immune to our wrath. We shut up O’Malley, we took away Sanders’ microphone, we drove Bush from the stage. We will make Carson rue the day that he chose to challenge our message.”

Court Rejects Challenge to Executive Amnesty

The U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia rejected Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s bid to halt President Obama’s executive grant of amnesty to those in the country illegally, calling the Sheriff’s reasoning “tenuous” and “unduly speculative.”

First, the argument that the grant of amnesty is imposing extra burdens on the Sheriff’s office cannot be supported by the facts,” Judge Nina Pillard wrote. “The laws against entering this country illegally are federal laws. The federal government has made it clear that it does not intend to enforce these laws. Sheriff Arpaio cannot claim his office is being burdened if he insists on doing something the feds don’t want done.”

The federal policy against enforcement renders moot the Sheriff’s contention that amnesty will attract even more illegal migrants into his state,” Pillard added. “As it stands, illegal migrants are already entitled to all the benefits available to legal residents, regardless of whether any formal amnesty is given. The lure of subsidized food, housing, education, and health care is sufficient on its own to lure illegal entry even in the absence of amnesty. Given that 80% of the illegal entrants in California are living off public assistance, it seems likely that Arizona is merely a place that these people will pass through on their way to greener pastures to the west. Therefore, the relief the plaintiff seeks is likely to be achieved by the mere passage of time.”

Obama Admin Urges Court to Block Restitution to Terror Victims

Deputy Secretary of State Tony Blinken argued against the imposition of jury-awarded damages to the victims of Palestinian terrorist attacks in 2002-2004. The jury award of more than $200 million in actual damages to ten families with three dozen injured, maimed, or killed is vigorously opposed by the Obama Administration.

Despite proclaiming its sympathy for the victims, the Administration seeks to void the damage award because, according to Blinken, “the amount represents a significant share of the Palestinian Authority’s annual budget. The loss of so large an amount would seriously infringe upon the PA’s ability to carry out its functions. Rocket attacks on Israeli civilians—the PA’s only tool to avert Zionist oppression of Palestinians—would have to be severely curtailed. Tunnel construction into the territories occupied by Israel would be dramatically impeded. Training and arming infiltrators would be brought to a standstill.”

Blinken hastened to point out that his remarks were “not an endorsement of PA policies that some might construe as ‘provocative.’ We may not agree with how the PA conducts itself, but we can take a stand in favor of the general principle that a sovereign state must have the freedom and the resources to act as it sees fit.”

In related news, Blinken refused to condemn the Islamic State’s legalization of rape and sexual slavery. “Granted, the idea of raping unbelievers and selling them as sex-slaves may seem odd to our ears,” Blinken conceded. “But if we believe in freedom of religion we ought to respect practices that differ from ours.”

Newly Released Emails Said to Exonerate Lerner

A newly released batch of emails from Lois Lerner, former IRS official in charge of denying conservative groups the same tax-free status as left-leaning groups, is said to have largely exonerated her of charges of unwarranted discrimination.

Attorney General Loretta Lynch cited email content in which Lerner referred to conservative groups as “evil and dishonest” as “fundamentally exculpatory. As a public servant, Ms. Lerner was certainly within her rights and duties to block the misuse of tax-exempt status to groups that in her mind posed a genuine danger to the government. While conservatives might be expected to disagree with her apprehension, there can be no dispute that her perception was heartfelt.”

Lynch concluded that “as far as we are concerned, there is no cause for further investigation, much less possible prosecution. Ms. Lynch was doing her duty as she saw it. In the government bureaucracy, sloth and dereliction of duty is all too common. Zeal is too rare. It is tragic enough that Ms. Lerner has been hounded out of office by right-wing extremists. It is time that the GOP hell-hounds in Congress let this woman try to rebuild her life free from further persecution.”

Obama Vetoes Planned Parenthood Defunding

Efforts by the legislatures of Louisiana and Alabama to reduce public funds allocated to Planned Parenthood this week were vetoed by President Obama. The president dismissed arguments that videos revealing PP’s participation in illegal trafficking in used baby parts warranted the states’ actions.

I learned in law school that the rule in our country is ‘innocent until proven guilty,’” Obama recalled. “Attorney General Lynch hasn’t deemed there is enough evidence to justify an investigation, much less a prosecution, trial, and verdict. These states’ attempts to inflict punishment before the judicial process has been given a fair chance to work does not live up to our standards.”

The president also ventured an opinion that “there may be nothing to this whole so-called scandal. I watch TV news every night and I don’t recall seeing any of these alleged incriminating videos. Surely, these ratings-hungry media outlets would be all over this story if it were legitimate.”

Obama appeared to be undaunted by the unprecedented action of a president vetoing a state law, citing his own authority as a constitutional scholar. “There is a clause in the US Constitution authorizing the federal government to do whatever is ‘necessary and proper.’ What could be more necessary and proper than to prevent a state legislature from penalizing an organization before it is convicted of a crime?”

David Daleiden, head of The Center for Medical Progress—the organization that released the videos, characterized the president’s stance as “willful blindness dedicated to preserving a cruel and criminal enterprise” and wondered “whether the $25 million the principal officers of Planned Parenthood have donated to the Democratic Party may have played a role in shaping his response to this organization’s continuing atrocities.”

Hillary Makes Bid for Latino Vote

Democrat presidential contender Hillary Clinton told a Spanish-language TV station Univision audience that she will make rich Americans pay the travel expenses of illegal immigrants. This is in contrast to GOP contender Donald Trump’s boast that he will make the Mexican government pay to build a border fence to keep illegal immigrants out.

Realistically, there’s no way an American president can make Mexico pay for anything,” Clinton asserted. “Why should the Mexican government pay for a fence? An open border allows their surplus population to escape to the United States where a generous slate of benefits awaits them.”

On the flip side, though, an American president has lots of leverage for extracting money from its taxpayers,” Clinton said. “With both the FBI and the NSA under the president’s control I’m sure I will have the information I need to persuade Congress to levy the necessary taxes. Or I could just issue an executive order or memo. One way or another, I’ll get the job done. People who make the arduous and dangerous trek to come to this country shouldn’t have to pay their own way.”

Illegal Immigrants Sue for Millions

Five illegal immigrants from Guatemala, Honduras, and El Salvador have filed a multi-million dollar lawsuit against the federal government. As their lawyer Andrew Free explained, “they came to this country to exercise their Constitutional right to share in its abundance. Yet, unlike the Mexicans who got here before them they’ve been denied free food, free housing, free education, and free health care. Instead, they been detained in squalid conditions as if they were common criminals.”

Free called this lawsuit “merely the opening salvo in a protracted struggle for social justice. There are thousands, maybe millions, of future plaintiffs. We will carve up the golden goose until all her eggs have been fairly distributed to the world’s poor.”

It’s not only illegal immigrants angling for a piece of the action. Retired Cuban dictator Fidel Castro says “the United States owes every one of Cuba’s 11 million people substantial damages for the cruel and vicious embargo it imposed on our country for over 50 years.” In response to Castro’s demand for money, the Obama Administration has dispatched its crack negotiator—Secretary of State John Kerry—to hammer out a settlement.

In related news, racial justice expert Al Sharpton slammed GOP presidential hopeful Sen. Rand Paul’s claim that hard work is a path to financial success. “The claim is demonstrably false,” Sharpton contended. “I’ve never worked hard, yet I’m drawing six figures just for talking on TV. From my experience, luck and knowing the right people are what really brings home the big bucks.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Russian Calls for War Crimes Inquiry into Atom Bombs Dropped by US

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnRussian legislator Sergei Naryshkin called for an international military tribunal to open an investigation of the United States’ bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki in 1945, calling the bombings “a crime against humanity.” While most historians agree that the bombings resulted in fewer Japanese casualties than would have been the case had the country been invaded, Naryshkin contended that “the use of unconventional weapons had unforeseen and irreparable consequences on both Japan and Russia.”

“Instead of being permitted to sacrifice their lives in suicidal attacks on invading US and Soviet troops, the Japanese people were forced to endure the humiliation of surrender,” Naryshkin said. “The comforts of martyrdom and oblivion were replaced by the degradation of foreign occupation by American imperialists.”

“On top of this, the Soviet Union was denied its share of the spoils of war,” Naryshkin added. “No army suffered more casualties during World War II than the Soviet Army. Yet, these gallant troops were blocked from taking the same benefits of rape and pillage they justly enjoyed over the Germans. Similarly, Japan’s hasty capitulation deprived the Soviet government of its own zone-of-occupation within Japan. This allowed the United States to hog it all for themselves and shut out the progressive influences that Soviet occupation bestowed on East Germany and other eastern and central European states.”

Retiring Comedy Central TV host Jon Stewart hailed Naryshkin’s initiative as a vindication of his assertion that former President Harry Truman “was a war criminal for authorizing those bombings” and expressed a hope that “the United States will ultimately redeem itself for that atrocity by paying reparations to Japan.”

Trump Sure Debate Helped His Candidacy

Donald Trump, the current front runner for the 2016 GOP presidential nomination, hit back at debate moderator Megyn Kelly’s implication that his insulting remarks about women might cost him votes.

“I’m just saying what everybody else is thinking,” Trump insisted. “Anyone who has eyes has got to agree that a distressingly large portion of women in our grossly overweight nation are fat slobs. Rather than keep quiet about this disgusting blight like so many other so-called opinion leaders, I have the courage to speak up. I don’t think voters will punish me for that. And only a bimbo like Kelly would try to make viewers believe otherwise.”

Trump was equally confident that his admission that he makes donations to movers and shakers in both political parties won’t be held against him. “Who knows better how to battle against the corrupt system of influence peddling than a person who has participated in it?” he asked. “For one, putting one of the major influence purchasers inside the government will, by itself, reduce the incidence of this sort of bribery. As president, I wouldn’t have to contribute to Clinton, or McConnell, or Boehner and hope they’d look out for my interests. I could look out for them myself from a position of impregnable strength. That’s why everyday Americans are supporting my candidacy.”

Trump also assailed the post-debate analysis where he took offense at Frank Luntz’s focus group report indicating that participants expressed negative reactions to the candidate’s performance. “Let’s not forget that Fox News’ ‘record-breaking’ audience for this debate was only 16% of those watching TV at that time,” Trump pointed out. “Eighty-four percent—the vast majority—didn’t even see it. Luntz is a low class slob for concealing that salient fact.”

In related news, recently recovered emails from Lois Lerner, the chief IRS persecutor of right-leaning groups, revealed a pattern of derogatory name-calling where she referred to conservatives as “crazies” and “assholes.” While Republicans on the Senate Finance Committee attributed these types of characterizations to possible political bias, Sen. Ron Wyden (D-Ore) argued that “these seem like accurate assessments of the opponents of progressive policies to me.”

Kerry Bewails Schumer Opposition to Iran Deal

Secretary of State John Kerry bewailed Sen. Charles Schumer’s (D-NY) announcement of his opposition to the Iran deal as “profoundly misguided.”

“I understand that Senator Schumer needs Jewish votes,” Kerry observed. “What he doesn’t understand is that his Jewish constituents are not the Jews Iran intends to wipe off the map. Iran has made it clear to me that it is targeting Zionists in Israel for extermination. Jews who are willing to leave Israel and Jews who live in New York are not their targets.”

Kerry admitted that he “didn’t totally disregard the possibility that some of the funds granted to Iran as part of the deal could be used to fund attacks on targets in America,” but argued that “these attacks would likely be aimed at Americans, in general,” and that “Jews would not be inordinately exposed to risks not faced by other non-Jewish inhabitants of our country.”

The Secretary also insisted that war was the only alternative to accepting the deal. “GOP members of Congress like to assert that there are other measures short of war that might be taken,” Kerry said. “But President Obama—the only person who is in a position to take action—says there is no other alternative. People should know better than to doubt this man. If he decides we go to war, we go to war. He will not wait on Congress to authorize the use of force. He didn’t wait on Congress before deciding to take out Libya’s Khadaffy. He’s aggressively used drones to eliminate this country’s enemies. So, if he says it’s this deal or war, Congress had best take him at his word.”

Obama Denounces Murder and Organ Harvesting

In the midst of a series of covertly obtained and publicly released videos of Planned Parenthood’s murder of human babies and sale of their organs, President Obama has come out strongly against the practice of killing albinos and selling their organs in Africa, telling a group of African leaders “this cruel tradition has got to stop.”

Meanwhile, the “cruel tradition” practiced by Planned Parenthood still escapes notice at the White House. Press Secretary Josh Earnest has explained that “the President refuses to watch the defamatory videos being peddled by the Center for Medical Progress” and “saw no contradiction between his stance on what is going on in Africa compared to what is going on in this country.”

“In Africa, the tissues being harvested from albino cadavers are used in superstitious rituals,” Earnest explained. “The tissues being harvested from infant cadavers at Planned Parenthood are being used for scientific research. Perhaps if we were less squeamish about this more parts could have been extracted and more research undertaken. Maybe Christopher Reeve could’ve been saved or Michael J. Fox’s Parkinsons’ symptoms eased if more fetal cadavers at more advanced stages had been available for organ harvesting.”

“Unfortunately, restrictions on third-trimester and partial-birth abortions have reduced the quantity of viable organs that have been available for post mortem extraction,” Earnest lamented. “Suppressing the supply of fetal tissue, as so many state legislatures have done by restricting the window of opportunity during which fetuses may be aborted, thwarts science’s efforts to convert the wretched refuse of unwanted lives into medical therapies that could be used to save the lives of more worthy persons.”

Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) rallied to President Obama’s side on this issue contending that “efforts to punish Planned Parenthood by cutting federal funding show that the GOP has lost its moral compass. They’re putting the interests of unwanted potential people ahead of the interests of real people—our wives, our sisters, our daughters, our granddaughters—people who will vote to determine who will and won’t retain their seats in government. The only saving grace is that these Republicans will be the instrument of their own political demise.”

Sen. Barbara Boxer (D-Calif) also waded into the controversy and called efforts to defund Planned Parenthood “a vicious attack on women’s health. The GOP would like to pose as a champion of the defenseless fetuses. At best, only half of these fetuses could have become women. But all of those getting abortions are women. Cutting funding to Planned Parenthood would force their customers to seek other places to perform their abortions—places whose commitment to progressive values may not be as clear and firm as Planned Parenthood’s.”

In related news, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) vowed that he would not allow efforts to revoke or reduce Planned Parenthood’s federal subsidies to imperil the operation of the government. “Tragic as the loss of hundreds of thousands of innocent lives at the hands of this depraved organization may be, we must not permit our emotions to overrule our heads,” he declared. “Tens of millions depend on government for their subsistence—both welfare recipients and federal employees. And a long list of corporations depend on government contracts to meet their payrolls and pay their investors. The greater good of this greater number has to take priority over the interests of the smaller number of potential persons terminated and dissected by Planned Parenthood.”

Crimes Committed by Illegals “an Acceptable Cost” Says Congressman

Rep. Luis Gutierrez (D-Ill) told Spanish channel Telemundo that “we shouldn’t overreact to a little thing like the murder of Kate Steinle” by a criminal illegal alien. Gutierrez advised that “we need to keep things in proper perspective. The thousands of crimes committed by the those who enter this country without permission should be weighed against the benefits to the tens of millions who don’t commit crimes.”

“Why should the much larger number of poor and oppressed people seeking refuge in the United States be deported and denied the food, housing, education, and medical care they so desperately need just because some of those who accompanied them in their journey turn out to be rapists and murderers?” the Congressman asked. “Are there not also rapists and murderers among those born in this country? We don’t use this as an argument against allowing the native born to receive government benefits, why should we use it against allowing the foreign born to receive government benefits?”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Kerry Insists that ‘Death to America’ Is Just Rhetoric

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnIn his continuing quest to sell Congress on what House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) labeled a “diplomatic masterpiece,” Secretary of State John Kerry tried to reassure the House Foreign Affairs Committee that Iran’s vow to take down the United States is “mere rhetoric for domestic consumption.”

Surely, members of Congress are aware that from time to time it is necessary to espouse policies that we have no real intention of implementing,” Kerry said. “I’ve lost count of the number of times that various spokesmen for the GOP have pledged to repeal Obamacare or to build a border fence. Yet, neither of these promises have gone beyond mere rhetoric. Obviously, the purpose of such rhetoric is to placate their domestic supporters. I suggest we view the infamous ‘death to America’ slogan shouted by mobs in Iran in a similar light.”

Ali Hosseini Khamenei, Supreme Leader of Iran, took issue with Kerry’s “ignorant and misguided assertion. Unlike Americans, we are not impotent mouthers of vacuous platitudes. Our battle with America will not end until the evil that it represents is exterminated. The lifting of sanctions recently approved by the United Nations is an important step toward our ultimate victory.”

In addition, Iran’s General Hossein Salami expressed confidence that “we will strike a blow that will be more shocking and more devastating than the 1941 attack on Pearl Harbor. Unlike the Japanese, we will not confine ourselves to strictly military targets. Our slaughter of the most vulnerable women and children will land a crushing and demoralizing blow from which the United States cannot recover.”

Obama Admin to Investigate Killing of Lion in Zimbabwe

Director of the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service Dan Ashe announced that his agency has opened an investigation of the “tragic killing” of Cecil the lion by American dentist Walter Palmer. Cecil was a major attraction at the Hwange National Park in Matabeleland North, Zimbabwe. Palmer reportedly paid some locals $50,000 to lure the lion outside the park. Palmer then killed the lion with an arrow.

Ashe characterized the killing as “a senseless act of cruelty against an innocent animal. It has shocked the world in a way that no other act has in recent memory. It is imperative that swift and severe repercussions be meted out lest others be emboldened to carry out similar atrocities.”

The enthusiasm with which the Administration has taken up the cause of justice for Cecil stands in stark contrast to its more blasé attitude toward recent revelations of the ghoulish activities undertaken by Planned Parenthood, where organs harvested from abortions are covertly sold.

Press Secretary Josh Earnest attempted to explain the disparity by insisting that “the President is persuaded that Planned Parenthood has always acted with the utmost integrity and compassion. This organization’s selfless concern for the welfare of women is nothing like the crass selfishness displayed by Dr. Palmer. He killed this lion for personal pleasure. Planned Parenthood repurposes unwanted human tissue for the benefit of mankind.”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) concurred in Earnest’s assessment and called efforts to defund Planned Parenthood “a distraction from the more serious matter of animal abuse exemplified by Dr. Palmer. It is essential that we do everything in our power to protect species endangered by human encroachment on their habitat. In this regard, Planned Parenthood’s termination of surplus humans must be seen as a crucial component of the battle against climate change. That some would seek to penalize this great organization by withdrawing taxpayer support just because they are seeking another revenue source by selling discarded fetuses is criminal.”

Senate Republican Mark Kirk (Illinois) called the uproar over Planned Parenthood’s trafficking in human baby parts “illogical. If an abortion is merely the exaction of unwanted tissue, how can the sale of this medical waste be wrong? I can’t really grasp why people are getting so upset about it. Any extra revenues Planned Parenthood can obtain in this manner reduces the burden we’re obliged to impose on taxpayers to fund the organization.”

In related news, Sen Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY) sent out a fund-raising email asking supporters to donate to her reelection campaign so she “can continue to battle against those who would use Planned Parenthood’s ‘good faith effort’ to secure its financial well-being through the sale of what would otherwise just be thrown in the trash. If you value the role Planned Parenthood has played in our goal of achieving a more caring community please make a contribution today.”

Rival Says Trump “Too Mean” to Be President

Presidential candidate Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) warned GOP voters against making Donald Trump the Party’s nominee for the 2016 election.

The man is too doggone mean to be president,” Graham complained. “It isn’t just the fact that he’s egregiously insulted me—a sitting senator. He’s insulting everyone. He’s insulted immigrant rapists and murderers while completely overlooking the crimes committed by native-born rapists and murderers. He’s insulted the Chinese, implying that their trade policies are unfair. This is no way to build bridges.”

Perhaps the worst offense is Trump’s lack of respect for President Obama,” the Senator continued. “The President is a decent man and a good friend of mine. Sure, he’s made a few mistakes, but his heart is in the right place. Yet, according to Mr. Trump, President Obama has been a complete disaster—lying and blundering his way toward degrading this great country.”

Graham acknowledged his below single-digit standing in the polls, but held out hope that, in time, his long record of service would come to be appreciated by voters. “Unlike Mr. Trump, I have won many elections,” he pointed out. “This demonstrated success gives me staying power for the long haul. We’ll see a year from now who’s still in the race—the loud-mouthed political novice or the well-respected senator from South Carolina.”

Planned Parenthood Says Videos Bigger Threat than Bombings

Reeling from the negative publicity generated by videos showing the organization haggling over the price of baby parts resulting from abortions, Planned Parenthood president Cecile Richards characterized the videos as “possibly worse than the spate of bombings of abortion clinics a few years back.”

The big downside of the bombings was the loss of life of doctors, nurses, and others dedicated to improving women’s health,” Richards observed. “Bad as this was, it was at least partially offset by the wave of sympathy these deaths earned for our organization. With the videos, though, there is no offset. It’s all downside. It creates the impression that we are callous toward the human remains of those proto-persons we’ve terminated.”

The challenge now is for us to try to head off an unwarranted reverence for the removed tissues,” Richards said. “People don’t get worked up when other tissues—like tumors or necroses—are removed from their human hosts. If those trying to make the case that we are murdering human infants win the day our business cannot survive.”

To try to regain control over the narrative, Planned Parenthood has circulated a memo to media outlets begging them to not air anymore videos on the grounds that “they were recorded without our consent. It was our reasonable expectation that these very sensitive discussions would be private and confidential. The Center for Medical Progress violated these expectations by covertly taping these private and confidential meetings. To air these ill-gotten videos would only serve to reward this heinous invasion of our privacy.”

Judge Rules Government Has Right to Know Who Its Opponents Are

U.S. District Judge Sidney Stein ordered Citizens United to turn over the names, addresses, and amounts of money contributed to the organization by its donors to New York Attorney General Eric Schneiderman.

It is clear that the activities of Citizen’s United, if successful, would result in a serious obstacle to the government’s interests,” Judge Stein wrote. “The government’s ability to fend off this threat is hampered by the anonymity of this organization’s supporters. If people want to oppose the government they should come out of the shadows.”

Stein dismissed fears that the government might take reprisals against its opponents as “cowardly. Did John Hancock, Thomas Jefferson, John Adams and the others try to hide behind anonymity when they signed the Declaration of Independence? No. They proclaimed their opposition to the government and took their chances. If the supporters of Citizen United are so fearful of the consequences of supporting anti-government propaganda maybe they should just be quiet and let the government run the country as it sees fit.”

Hillary’s Gap Nearly 5,000 Times as Large as Nixon’s

In the painfully slow release of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s official emails, House investigators have discovered a two-month gap. This is nearly 5,000 times the size of the famous “18 minute gap” on White House tapes during the Watergate scandal. Partly because of that 18 minute gap President Nixon ultimately resigned in 1974 to avoid being impeached.

All of Clinton’s Department of State email correspondence for May and June 2012 is missing. As chance would have it, this period coincides with a time of rising tensions in Libya during which others contend that they passed warnings up the line to the Secretary.

On May 22, the International Red Cross office was hit by rocket-propelled grenades. On June 6, an improvised explosive device was detonated outside the consulate. One would have thought these events might have generated some email traffic to and from the Secretary. It was during this period that US Ambassador Christopher Stevens is believed to have requested more security for the embassy and consulate.

On September 11, 2012, Stevens, along with three other Americans were killed by Muslim insurgents. At that time Secretary Clinton sprung into action assuring the world that these deaths were “the unfortunate byproduct of a peaceful demonstration gone wrong when local Muslims became incensed over a video mocking Mohammed”–a cover story that was later shown to be false.

For her part, the former Secretary insists that “there is no gap. As I recall, I was engaged in thinking about other issues—maybe my daughter’s wedding, or pregnancy, or something like that. All the emails relating to my private, non-governmental thoughts and issues during that time period were, naturally, deleted as a matter of personal privacy.”

Despite the Secretary’s apparent memory lapse or mental confusion, her doctor–Lisa Bardack, a physician in Mount Kisco, N.Y.–has pronounced Mrs. Clinton “fit to serve as president of the United States.”

Meanwhile, the Hillary for president campaign has released its price list for supporters wanting to interact with the candidate. A selfie with Hillary costs $2700. A picture with her autograph is $1000. A handshake and a simulated smile is $500. You can get the candidate to point at you from the podium for $100. A simple wave of her hand in your general direction can be had for the bargain rate of $25 per flap. If she looks toward where you are sitting or standing in the crowd, campaign staff will stop by later to collect $10 from you.

Obama Unimpressed with Current Roster of Presidential Candidates

In remarks at the African Union meeting in Ethiopia this week, President Obama lamented “the sorry slate of candidates seeking to succeed me. To be honest, there is no one worthy to follow the path I have blazed. I may have to consider running for reelection.”

Obama brushed aside the Constitutional provision prohibiting him from seeking another term as “a dangerous and unnecessary impediment” that might have to be altered “for the sake of humanity. You know, the guys who wrote the Constitution in 1787 didn’t see fit to limit the chief executive to any set number of terms. The Amendment restricting a person to two terms was the work of lesser men reacting to the unprecedented and awesome four terms to which Franklin Roosevelt was elected. Had FDR been limited to two terms we might never have emerged from the Great Depression or won World War II.”

The president said that while he is not yet ready to take the appropriate executive action to set aside the term limit restriction, he vowed not to hesitate if “the options available to voters continue to remain as lackluster as they currently are.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.