Category Archives: John Semmens

Roberts Says Wolf ‘too Inexperienced for Debate’

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Folder2 104Senator Pat Roberts (R-Kan) continued his refusal to debate challenger Dr. Milton Wolf prior to the upcoming August 5 primary election date on the grounds that “Wolf is not qualified to hold such a high office.”

“I’ve been in this political racket for nearly 50 years,” the 78 year-old Roberts pointed out. “I didn’t just leap into the national arena as my first venture into joining the governing elite. I served on the staff of Senator Frank Carlson and Representative Keith Sebelius for over 12 years before I ran for Congress in 1980. Then I put in 16 years in the House before I ran for the Senate.”

“Dr. Wolf wasn’t even born when I began my political career,” Roberts pointed out. “He was just a fuzzy-cheeked kid when I first started bringing home the bacon for the State of Kansas. Even as an adult Wolf made no effort to work his way into government. So he has no track record by which voters can judge his suitability to participate in ruling them. If I debate him it would lend a sheen of credibility to his candidacy that would only make it easier for every upstart outsider to gain unearned attention. This would shake the foundations of the way we do business in Washington. I won’t be a party to it.”

Arizona Anti-Abortion Law Racist Says ACLU, NAACP

The ACLU has filed suit alleging that an Arizona law that bars sex-selective and race-based abortions is racist. He suit was filed on behalf of the NAACP and the National Asian-Pacific American Women’s Forum.

Alexa Kolbi-Molinas of the ACLU insisted that “this law has a racially disparate effect as its intent. African-Americans are nearly four times as likely to opt for abortion as the end point of a pregnancy compared to whites. Consequently, the Arizona law has a chilling impact on what should be a freely taken choice.”

“The barrier to sex-selective abortions introduces a culturally insensitive affront to persons of Asian descent,” Kolbi-Molinas asserted. “In these cultures a male child is valued more highly than a female child. Seeking to block women from terminating a low-valued pregnancy would, in effect, impose a costly unwanted burden in order to mandate adherence to a largely white ideal of equality between the sexes.”

Rep. Steve Montenegro (R-Litchfield Park), sponsor of the law in its course through the Arizona Legislature, maintains that the new lawsuit against the law “reconfirms the necessity for it. The desire of a mother to abort her baby because of its race or sex is barbaric. Whether this barbarism stems from cultural pressures or individual cruelty we owe it to the innocent victims to try to deter such crimes.”

Cost to House Influx of Illegals Stuns Senators

In testimony before the Senate Budget Committee, Department of Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson shocked senators of both parties when he disclosed that it costs between $250 and $1,000 per day per person to house the illegal immigrants that have been surging across our border with Mexico.

“There was an audible gasp, a bipartisan gasp,” Senator Marco Rubio (R., Fla.) recounted. “I could take a luxurious Caribbean cruise every day of the year for a lower total cost. I cannot fathom why the spartan accommodations we are providing for these people should cost so much.”

Senate Budget Committee chairwoman Patty Murray (D-Wash) questioned the applicability of Rubio’s luxury cruise comparison. “While the amount may appear excessive to the untrained observer I’m sure there are unseen factors that we just don’t realize,” Murray presumed. “If Senator Rubio takes a cruise he makes all his own arrangements and may exert some judgment over whether the expenses are worth it. No such latitude is available for these refugees. Housing them is official government business entailing multiple layers of authority and decision making. Who are we to second guess what they do?”

Senator Jay Rockefeller (D-WV) was one of the few that weren’t shocked by the expense. “We pay upwards of $50,000 per year for each prison inmate,” he pointed out. “Let’s face it, government housing is expensive.”

Housing prisoners at $50,000 per inmate per year comes to around $140 per day—far lower than DHS’s estimate for housing the immigrants. “You’ve got to remember that the budgets for prisons aren’t arrived at in a panic situation,” Johnson said. “There’s time to reflect on what might be the most cost-effective methods. The urgency of the immigration crisis eliminates the opportunity to pursue issues of efficiency. It’s Congress’s duty to appropriate whatever amount the President has requested to handle this emergency.”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi suggested that “the high cost of housing these immigrants could be averted if we make use of the vast inventory of unused housing that exists in this country. How many American families have more room than they need? Can’t some of this space be made available on an emergency basis?”

Pelosi said she was unsure of how to make unused housing available but speculated that “President Obama could issue an Executive Order compelling home owners to provide access to their excess capacity. We could look at a home’s square footage and number of rooms, compare that to census data on who currently lives there and make a determination of which homes can take in some of the refugees.”

The United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees concurred in Pelosi’s assessment noting that “the typical American family has far more living room than the refugees that need to be accommodated. Simple equity demands that this excess be shared among these less fortunate people.”

In related news, the New York City Council announced it is prepared to grant citizenship to up to 500,000 illegal immigrants. Mayor Bill de Blasio called the passage of this ordinance “a proud day for our City. While Congress may be too indifferent to act in this time of emergency I’m pleased to see that New Yorkers have stepped in to fill the void. And with the documents we will be giving these immigrants there will be nothing to stop them from enjoying the full fruits of living in America no matter where they choose to go.”

Bill to Curb “Operation Choke Point” Introduced

Rep. Blaine Luetkemeyer (R-Mo) is sponsoring H.R. 4986, the End Operation Choke Point Act of 2014. The bill aims to stem Department of Justice abuse of legitimate businesses.

Under Operation Choke Point the DOJ working in concert with the FTC, FDIC, OCC, CFPB, and FBI has been intimidating banks in order to deny these financial resources to targeted commercial operations. While DOJ claims it is merely combating criminal activity, legal, but pariah businesses like firearms vending, marijuana dispensaries and check cashing firms have frequently been shut off from the banking system.

The Administration opposes the bill. “Even though some businesses may technically be legal their existence still poses a threat to the community,” Attorney General Eric Holder explained. “If we can take action to cut these businesses off from being able to deposit money and write checks we may be able to achieve a goal that Congress has not shown the guts to accomplish on its own.”

“Achieving a policy that Congress has declined to enact is beyond the scope of the Attorney General’s authority,” Luetkemeyer pointed out. “The role of the DOJ is to enforce the laws that exist not concoct schemes to implement laws they think should exist.”

In related news, the DOJ has opened an investigation of Dale Remmich whose float depicting an outhouse labeled “Obama Presidential Library” in a Fourth-of-July parade in Norfolk Nebraska was deemed “unacceptably disrespectful of the President.” “Freedom of speech is not a blank check,” Holder argued. “We have to draw a line. Mr Remmich needs to answer for his insult. At the very least we can make him sweat a bit.”

White House Claims President’s Appointees “Absolutely Immune”

Despite audio evidence of prohibited political activity by Obama Administration officials, White House Counsel Neil Eggleston rejected House Oversight and Government Reform Committee requests for testimony from David Simas, director of the White House Office of Political Strategy and Outreach.

“Mr Simas and, in fact, everyone working for the President is absolutely immune from any demands Congress or the Judicial branch might seek to impose,” Eggleston contended. “To hold otherwise would undermine the President’s authority to rule this country.”

“It would also be unfair to those attempting to carry out the President’s wishes if they were to be held answerable to any other center of power within the government,” Eggleston added. “Their work is difficult enough without adding the complication of worry over whether what the President has ordered them to do may be illegal or not. Obedience should be their only concern and must grant them immunity from oversight.”

House Oversight and Government Reform Committee Chairman Rep. Darrell Issa (R-Calif) characterized Eggleston’s argument as “disturbing. In effect he’s saying that none of the President’s henchmen need answer to anyone other than the President. This is not the action of a limited government as conceived by the Founding Fathers.”

Rep. Elijah Cummings (D-Md) denounced Issa’s “persecution of the servants of the President” and maintained that “only after proof of wrongdoing should we even consider asking for testimony. The only evidence that Mr. Issa has is against former Secretary of Labor Hilda Solis. Since she is no longer with the government the whole issue is, in my opinion, moot.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Administration Requests Budget Increase for Immigrant Bedding

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Folder2 104Asserting that “it would be inhumane for us to force these innocent immigrant children to sleep on substandard beds,” Health and Human Services Secretary Sylvia Burwell has requested an appropriation of “$1,000 per migrant in order to fund minimally acceptable accommodations.”

“Many of these immigrant children have already suffered from improper sleeping arrangements for most of their lives,” Burwell said. “In the countries they come from it is common for multiple children to be crammed into a single bed of straw, be slung on hammocks, or simply left to sleep on the ground.”

Burwell characterized the “military style cots and bunks we have been providing for them sends a message that says they’re not really welcome in America, that their stay here is temporary and that a good night’s sleep isn’t a right we are willing to extend to these refugees.”

While acknowledging that $1,000 is more than many Americans spend on a bed, Burwell argued that “Americans are free to decide how much to invest in their sleep arrangements, these children are not. These immigrants are desperately poor. Many are plagued with debilitating diseases. They don’t have the means or education to select proper bedding. It is our obligation to do that for them.”

President’s Texas Itinerary Defended

President Obama has faced criticism for refusing to visit sites in Texas where hordes of illegal immigrants have been flooding into the country. The criticism has been especially pointed in light of the fact that he has traveled to the state to participate in political fund raisers at the home of Austin-based filmmaker Robert Rodriguez and two other in-state locations.

Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest explained that “the President’s presence at the border would not be a good use of his time. It’s not as if anything he might see there is going to change his mind about immigration reform. The people on the ground there that he might meet—Border Patrol agents and local politicians—have a peculiarly narrow perspective. They’re going to urge him to do more to secure the border. He doesn’t need to hear this advice.”

“On top of this it has been widely reported that many of these immigrants are carriers of serious and infectious diseases,” Earnest pointed out. “It would be imprudent for the most important person in the world to be needlessly exposed to such a risk.”

“While many of those critical of the President are willing to make light of his assiduous efforts to raise funds for the Democratic Party, there can be no debating that this is an obviously higher priority for him than putting on a show of concern for a crisis he is ill-disposed to resolve,” Earnest contended. “If Democrats are under funded control of Congress could pass to Republicans. That would be a much more serious consequence for the President’s agenda than anything that might transpire from the influx of even millions of new immigrants.”

Dems Seek Legislation to Overturn Supreme Court’s Hobby Lobby Ruling

Outraged by what they characterized as the Supreme Court’s improper application of the Constitution’s freedom of religion clause in the Hobby Lobby case, Senate Democrats are drafting a bill to overturn the Court’s ruling.

Sponsor of the bill, Senator Patty Murray (D-Wash) declared that “a boss’s role in health care is confined to paying for it. He has no business deciding that he won’t pay for certain medical therapies because they offend his sense of morality. My bill restores the full authority over which medical treatments will or won’t be covered to the government where it belongs.”

Senator Charles Schumer (D-NY) sought to bolster the legislative push, saying that “the Constitution protects an individual’s right to believe and worship as he sees fit. If an individual thinks there is a conflict between his beliefs and what the law requires him to do he is free to continue to believe what he wants, but he must still obey the laws passed by Congress. The right that is protected is a mental right to hold a belief not a blank check for non-compliant behavior.”

“Where the Court went wrong was in allowing an employer’s opposition to abortion to negate his obligation to fund this medical treatment,” Schumer continued. “In America the right to an abortion is an inalienable right possessed by every woman. This means that no one can refuse to acknowledge this right or attempt to impede a woman’s exercise of this right under the procedures stipulated by statute. The Affordable Care Act says that it is the employer’s duty to pay for a woman’s exercise of this right. If this troubles the employer’s conscience, well, no one has to operate a business if the tasks assigned by government conflict with his religious beliefs.”

Hillary Clinton’s Early Legal Work Stirs Controversy

The emergence of an audio tape of a young Hillary Clinton bragging about helping a rapist get off easy has jarred her image as an advocate for women’s rights. It seems that Clinton succeeded in discrediting the rapist’s accuser even though she was convinced that he was guilty. When a panel of liberal pundits on MSNBC appeared to agree that Clinton seemed insensitive and cavalier on the tape, the aspiring 2016 presidential candidate tried her hand at damage control.

“First of all, let me remind everyone that this tape was made 40 years ago,” she pointed out. “It’s old news. The minor child who was raped is now an old woman. She survived the experience. Raking up the story at this late date could only cause her pain I’m sure she’d rather forget.”

“Secondly, let’s not lose sight of the skill I demonstrated in that case,” Clinton added. “Even the most inept lawyer can get an innocent defendant off. Getting a guilty client off, though, requires much more cunning and effort. The fate of the relatively unimportant principals in that case is of less significance than the part it played in helping me ascend to a leading role in the governance of this country in the decades that followed.”

Mexico and Guatemala Reach Accord to Expedite Transit of More Illegals to the US

This week Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto and Guatemalan President Otto Perez Molina held a joint press conference to announce they have reached an accord to cooperate in the shipment of more illegal migrants from Central America to the United States.

“This agreement is a win-win for both of our countries,” Peña boasted. “Guatemala rids itself of people they cannot adequately care for. By assuring that these migrants have guaranteed transportation through Mexico we avoid becoming the repository of these undesirables.”

Perez insisted that “we are only responding to America’s invitation to send our tired, poor, huddled masses yearning to live free. We do not have the means to enable these people to live for free in our country. America, though, is wealthy. It is long past time for them to share their wealth with our less fortunate children.”

Peña speculated that “given enough time we may inject a sufficient number of Latinos into the United States to peacefully and democratically reverse the conquest of our ancient lands by the United States in the 19th century. Many Americans are ignorant of the fact that their great President Lincoln condemned this conquest as unjust. Righting this wrong by whatever means we can is long overdue.”

Hamas Counters Israeli Efforts to Reduce Collateral Damage

Israel’s attempts to minimize collateral damage while seeking to respond to Hamas’ repeated missile launches against Israeli civilians were sternly countered by Hamas this week. While Israel has been warning Palestinian civilians of impending air strikes in order to prompt them to move out of targeted areas, Hamas has forbidden civilians from taking Israeli advice.

Hamas’ Khaled Meshaal explained that “it is every Palestinian’s duty to sacrifice himself if required to do so in our never ending battle against the Jewish occupiers. The Jews would like nothing better than to separate our fighters from the women and children who we honor by making them our shields.”

Meshaal urged Palestinian civilians “to grasp the opportunity to become a dead martyr for a glorious cause rather than accept the sordid fate of a live refugee from Jewish aggression.” Meanwhile, it has been reported that Hamas combat units have used the Israeli warnings to vacate targeted zones.

Obamacare Costs Comparisons “Unfair”

A recent report from the Manhattan Institute showing that Obamacare has raised insurance costs by 52% to 119% was rejected as an “unfair comparison” by Health and Human Services Secretary Silvia Burwell.

“Policies under the Affordable Care Act cost more because they cover more,” she maintained. “Many of the policies available before the ACA was in place didn’t cover preventive care like birth control or abortion. Virtually none of them covered gender-reassignment surgery. So of course those policies were cheaper.”

“The Manhattan Institute study overlooks the added value achieved by the ACA,” the Secretary asserted. “Their before and after analysis is, therefore, misleading. We are confident that when the American people comprehend the broader coverage we’ve given them under the ACA they’ll thank the Democratic Party at the polls in November.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Hobby Lobby Wage Boost Rankles Democrats

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Folder2 104With the liability of being forced to finance employees’ abortions taken off its back by the recent Supreme Court voiding of the Obamacare mandate, Hobby Lobby announced it is raising the minimum wage of its full-time employees to $14.50 per hour.

Aspiring presidential candidate Hillary Clinton dubbed the move “a callous and insensitive slap in the face to American women. This company went to a lot of effort to deny its responsibility to insure the reproductive health of its female employees. Now that they’ve won a totally unfair verdict in court they’re insulting these imperiled women by investing the costs averted into boosting the pay of their entire workforce. This is wrong on so many levels.”

One of these levels according to Clinton is “the attempt to destroy worker solidarity. The timing of the hike in wages conveys the message that the benefits the Government is trying to secure for women impede the pay the company is able to offer other employees. This insidiously pits one employee against another and undermines the incentive for all to band together against management for the common good.”

Another wrong cited by Clinton was “a blatant disrespect for the role Government is trying to play in raising the minimum wage across the board. The $14.50 figure exceeds the $10.10 targeted by Congressional Democrats in the Fair Minimum Wage Act (HR 1010). In effect, Hobby Lobby’s management is telling their employees that the Government’s efforts are irrelevant. If left unchecked it could create an environment where each company’s labor and management are persuaded that wages are a private rather than a public issue.”

Sponsor of HR 1010, Representative George Miller (D-Calif) lamented “the negative impact this rogue decision by an arrogant employer will have on our push to enact a federal hike of the minimum wage. Hobby Lobby has parlayed its triumph over the Government’s Affordable Care Act into an opportunity to flout its independence from our regulatory power over wages.”

Feds Say Businesses Can’t Require Employees to Speak or Understand English

The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) is suing Wisconsin Plastics, Inc. of Green Bay, Wisconsin for discriminating against non-native persons by insisting that employees must be conversant in English in order to hold jobs with the company.

Jacqueline Berrien, EEOC Chairperson dismissed the possibility that some minimal competence in the English language might be a legitimate skill required of an employee. “Whether an employee understands English is a matter of convenience for the business,”:Berrien explained. “Granted, conducting business in a single language might be more efficient. But the individual’s right to speak whatever language he chooses is a human right. And human rights take precedence over economic efficiency.”

“The employer has the option of hiring translators to act as intermediaries between workers and managers who speak different languages,” Berrien pointed out. “They can also purchase insurance to cover any damages that might occur due to mishaps springing from miscommunications rooted in language barriers.”

Berrien conceded that barring firms from requiring English comprehension among employees would raise the cost of doing business, but insisted that “this is a small price to pay for preserving individual human rights. Besides, the extra costs imposed on Wisconsin Plastics would be offset by the added employment of translators, insurance vendors, and tort lawyers.”

President Urges Israel to Exercise Restraint

This week’s discovery of the decomposing bodies of the three Israeli teenagers kidnapped and murdered by members of the Hamas terror organization last week sparked diverse reactions from key leaders.

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu vowed retribution. Hamas’s Khalad Mashaal blessed the hands of the murderers. President Obama urged Israeli leaders to “exercise restraint and not take action that would destabilize the situation.”

While admitting that “from a Western perspective the murder of innocent civilians appears an inexcusable atrocity,” President Obama cautioned that “this is not the only perspective worthy of consideration. As the Palestinians see it, all Jews living in the region are legitimate targets. Given that Hamas is too weak to directly confront the Israeli Army its tactic of striking at softer targets is understandable.”

“From a historical point of view, Jews being victimized has been pretty much the norm all over the world,” Obama recalled. “That is the stable condition. Jews striking back is abnormal and, as such, would tend to be destabilizing. I think the Israeli leaders should weigh accepting a few casualties as the price of preserving stability rather than flying off the handle and risking a greater loss of life on both sides.”

While Obama was eager to dampen down Israeli outrage over the murder of the Jewish teenagers he seemed to have no qualms about inflaming Palestinian passions over the murder of Arab teen Mohammed Abu Khdeir, calling this crime “heinous.” Secretary of State John Kerry added that “there are no words to convey adequately our condolences to the Palestinian people.”

Though Hamas, Obama, and Kerry appear to have assumed Khdeir was killed in retaliation for the murdered Jewish teens, suspicion has arisen that he may have been killed by his own family members for dishonoring them via his gay lifestyle.

Senator Suggests President “Borrow” Power to Solve Immigration Problem

Senator Dick Durbin (D-Ill) suggests that President Obama “borrow some of the unused legislative power Congress is sitting on to solve the immigration problem.”

“I know some of my Republican friends across the aisle will insist that the power to enact laws is exclusively reserved to Congress under our Constitution,” Durbin acknowledged. “However, an even older common law principle is that a right left dormant for an extended period lapses and may be taken up by a more energetic party. The need for immigration reform has been known for a long time, yet Congress has neglected to pass legislation. So it seems to me that Congress has effectively abandoned its property in legislative authority. Why shouldn’t the President borrow this authority and do what Congress has failed to do?”

House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) promised that any attempt by the President to further infringe on legislative prerogatives would be added to the lawsuit he is planning to bring against his usurpation of authority. “We may be powerless to stop this country’s slide into tyranny,” Boehner said. “But I want us to go on record as not in favor.”

Doctor/Patient Confidentiality Gains New Partner

It used to be that what transpires between a doctor and patient was considered confidential. Under the Affordable Care Act the Government has now been added as a participant in observing communications between doctor and patient.

Health and Human Services Secretary Sylvia Burwell justified the expansion of those in the know as “only prudent. The Affordable Care Act has made the federal government responsible for the health of everyone in America. We can’t adequately do that job if information on anyone’s condition is withheld from us.”

“Unenlightened individuals may think that their health is their own concern,” Burwell said. “They may think consulting a doctor is purely their own decision. But the ACA has transformed health from any individual responsibility into a social responsibility. All—patient, doctor, and Government—must cooperate in an assessment of what actions, treatments, and medications best serve the collective interests of the nation.”

“The information passed along to us by the doctor will be analyzed in order to determine what course best meets the needs of the whole,” Burwell continued. “In some cases this will entail surgery or medications. In some cases it will entail mandatory behavioral adjustments. In others benign neglect akin to that practiced by the Veterans’ Administration may be the best option for culling the weakest from the aggregate national family.”

Congressman Barred from Immigrant Holding Area

Representative Jim Bridenstine’s (R-Okla) attempt to gain some first-hand knowledge on the 1200 illegal immigrant minors housed in his Congressional District was blocked by officials of the Department of Health and Human Services.

“It’s for the Congressman’s own good,” Health and Human Services Secretary Silva Burwell insisted. “Many of these youngsters are carrying infectious diseases and parasites. We cannot allow unnecessary contact with unauthorized persons.”

Bridenstine was advised to come back after July 21. “By that time all of the children will have been placed with other families or in shelters more suitable for the longer term,” Burwell said. “It will then be safe for the Congressman to enter the facility and ask whatever questions he wants.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

President Tries to Fend Off Evidence of Incompetence

John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Folder2 104With a cascade of scandals dominating the news, a desperate President Obama pleaded with voters to “not give up hope. The mistakes of a tiny minority can easily overwhelm the good work of the many. Probably less than one percent of government workers are boneheads. The rest of us shouldn’t have to suffer because of it.”

To help illustrate his case Obama told a story about an unnamed federal employee “who foolishly put things in writing that she shouldn’t have. Despite explicit instructions that no documentary evidence be produced she negligently or maliciously, we don’t know, entrusted highly confidential material to email correspondence. Now my enemies are demanding copies of these emails. If it hadn’t been for the fortuitous crash of a number of key computers this material could’ve fallen into the wrong hands.”

Statistical experts place the odds of all these “fortuitous” crashes occurring at the same time as one in 80 billion—a long shot that Obama attributed to “the ‘Man upstairs’ looking out for our best interests.”

The President also sought to characterize recent criticism of EPA employees defecating in office hallways as “myopic. From a superficial perspective this practice looks idiotic. What many are overlooking is the fact that these excretions are perfectly natural and biodegradable. Furthermore, the health concerns raised place an inordinate value on conditions favorable to humans and totally disregard what might be beneficial to other life forms. The EPA’s mission is to preserve all creatures, even those some callously categorize as ‘germs.’”

In related news, Press Secretary Josh Earnest labeled Republican Representatives Louie Gohmert and Bill Flores’ proposed $1 million reward for any individual who can recover former IRS director Lois Lerner’s “lost” emails “an exercise in futility. Far more money is available to the Administration, if need be, to ensure that this doesn’t happen. And if money alone can’t do the job the President has the authority to take extreme measures to defend the government against all enemies, both foreign and domestic.”

President Denounces Boehner Lawsuit as “Stunt”

This week House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) announced he was going to sue President Obama for abuse of executive authority. “Time-after-time the President has acted without proper authority,” Boehner charged. “He has refused to faithfully execute laws that require his action. Worse, he has endeavored to exercise legislative authority that the Constitution relegates to Congress. We are going to ask the Court to put a stop to this.”

President Obama laughed off the lawsuit calling it “a stunt designed to cover for Congress’ failure to govern. If Congress were to do its job as pass the legislation I’ve directed them to pass I wouldn’t be forced to take matters into my own hands.”

“Aside from the substantive issues there is also the question of the appropriate procedural remedy,” the President added. “Under our Constitution it is not the Court’s job to take sides with one branch of government over another. If Congress believes that I am stepping on its prerogatives the prescribed course is for them to impeach me.”

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) concurred in the President’s analysis. “Clearly, Congress must be the guardian of its own powers,” Reid asserted. “It cannot punt the ball to the Court.” As for impeachment, Reid vowed that “the Republicans will get no cooperation from me in any effort to impede President Obama’s efforts to do what he deems necessary for the good of the country. As long as I’m running the Senate there will be no impeachment.”

Raid Characterized as “Routine Training Exercise”

A pre-dawn raid of a Florida home was characterized as “a routine training exercise” by Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson.

The raid took place on June 10 when a dozen heavily armed Department of Homeland Security troops broke into Kari Edwards home and held her and her live-in boyfriend at gun point while they searched the premises. The invading DHS officers disabled the home’s security cameras as they thoroughly trashed the premises.

“I realize that from Ms. Edwards’ perspective the incident may have been harrowing,” Johnson acknowledged. “But we mustn’t lose sight of the big picture. Inflicting momentary fear and indignities on a few individuals is a small price for the nation to pay in our quest to combat potential threats to the government.”

“The notion that we need evidence that someone has done something wrong before we can take the steps necessary to protect against possible threats confuses judicial processes with those required to ensure security,” Johnson continued. “The goal is not to punish the guilty, but to neutralize our enemies in the most efficient way we can. Besides, even if we want to consider the judicial angle, it seems to me that a surprise raid might be the most effective way to obtain evidence of wrongdoing.”

Clinton Defends $225,000 Speaking Fee

Elias Benjelloun’s, the UNLV student body president, and Daniel Waqar’s, the student government’s public relations director, protest that former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s $225,000 fee for a single speech is excessive was slapped down by the lady herself.

“Students angry that their tuition fees are being increased shouldn’t try to take it out on me,” Clinton angrily exclaimed. “I have unique credentials. I’ve been a First Lady and co-president, a United States Senator, and Secretary of State. Audiences should expect to pay more to hear me.”

Clinton compared her fee with the $230,000 per game salary paid to the NBA’s LeBron James. “Considering the relative importance of the contributions each of us has made to America I think it’s pretty clear that I’m the one being grossly underpaid,” she complained. “As skilled as LeBron may be, he’s never had to make the hard choices I have. He doesn’t have to worry that someone might die because he makes a bad decision. I did.”

Hefty speaking fees (over $100 million since 2001) have been the mainstay of the Clintons’ battle to escape poverty since leaving the White House in early 2001. The $16 million the Clinton’s have received from the federal government since 2001 has been “woefully inadequate when you consider the lifestyle we are forced to maintain,” Hillary contended. “For example, we had to pony up $3 million for our daughter’s wedding. The fact is, we can’t live like ordinary people—shopping at WalMart, eating home-cooked meals, scrimping on expenses. The people of America want us to enjoy the perks befitting the service we have rendered to the nation.”

President Offers More Flexibility for Federal Employees

President Obama is seeking to make being employed by the federal government a more pleasant experience. Along these lines he is introducing more flexible work hours.

“Analysis by the best work management experts shows that it doesn’t really matter how many hours government employees spend on the job,” Obama said. “Whether they’re at their desks or not doesn’t seem to make any difference in the output of meaningful work. So why not reduce the burden of reporting to work?”

Not being required to actually go in to work in order to earn a federal paycheck was described as “a major hike in the benefit of a government job for the employees affected” said the report referred to by the President. “The disutility of having to invest so many hours in preparing for work, traveling to work, and sitting at a desk for 8 hours a day can be significantly reduced if the number or employees required to make this investment is lower.”

Benefits for employees weren’t the only upside cited in the report: “The more federal jobs that are converted from ‘no-work’ to ‘no-show’ status the less stress will be placed on urban traffic. Those who must actually produce a product or service in order to earn a living will face less traffic congestion traveling to work.”

President Obama rejected the report’s implication that a considerable amount of expense could be avoided if the unneeded employees were terminated. “The idea that the government should simply release unneeded employees fails to take into consideration the impact that would have on our economy,” the President argued. “The money we spend on the salaries of these redundant workers is vital to sustaining our GDP. Think of all the businesses that depend upon the money federal employees spend. If they lose these customers our economy will tank.”

Constitutional Amendment to Curb Speech Pushed by Democrats

Sparked by fears that “many dedicated incumbents could be run out of office by well-financed campaigns by dangerously anti-government factions,” Senator Tom Udall (D-NM) and 42 Democratic co-sponsors have drafted a Constitutional Amendment that aims to curb free speech.

“Right now as long as a person has enough money to afford it he can take out an ad, publish a broadside, or fund a TV spot against a sitting member of the Government,” Udall pointed out. “The men and women who have devoted their lives to serving the citizens of this great republic don’t deserve this kind of treatment.”

Under Udall’s proposed Amendment freedom of speech would be subject to whatever limits Congress determines would best suit the needs of the Government. “We want competition for office,” Udall agreed. “But it must be fair competition. Congress needs to have the flexibility to make rules that will ensure fairness.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

IRS Head Says Special Prosecutor Would Be Waste of Money

John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Citing a lenFolder2 104gthy list of suspicious coincidences—including the most recent loss of critical evidence due to a narrowly focused crash of the computers used by individuals involved in the discriminatory treatment of conservative organizations—many of the Agency’s critics have called for a “Special Prosecutor.”

IRS Commissioner John Koskinen told the House Ways and Means Committee, though, that “appointing a ‘Special Prosecutor’ to investigate alleged abuses in the Agency would be a colossal waste of money. Look, we’ve thoroughly frustrated every inquiry launched thus far. Why should anyone think we wouldn’t just as easily thwart a so-called Special Prosecutor?”

Representative Dave Camp (R-Mich), chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee, characterized Koskinen’s remarks as “the kind of arrogance that reeks of tyranny. This Administration and its agents act as if the law and Constitution do not apply to them.”

Koskinen taunted Camp in his reply asserting that “if Mr. Camp and his cohorts are displeased with the way we are running the Government the Constitution has a prescribed remedy they may follow. Their reluctance to take up this remedy is a testimony to their impotence. If I am construed as being disrespectful I think I am on solid ground when I say that they’ve earned it.”

Representative Elijah Cummings (D-Maryland) strenuously objected to “Camp’s rude behavior toward this dedicated civil servant. The IRS is tasked with the crucial and difficult job of recovering the nation’s resources from individuals who would siphon them off for their own personal gain. The conservative groups that the IRS targeted are aiding and abetting greedy individuals by resisting the tax increases and spending programs that are part-and-parcel of the implementation of the President’s plan to secure social justice for all.”

CFPB Announces Broad New Powers

The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau announced in the Federal Register that it will “aggressively deploy cease and desist orders against businesses whose activities are a detriment to the nation’s well-being.” For the moment this new authority is “interim.” It is expected to become final on July 18.

“For too long the Government has sat idly by while businesses have foisted unsafe and unhealthy products on an unsuspecting public,” CFPB Director Richard Cordray charged. “Under Section 1053(c) of the Dodd-Frank Act, we are empowered to protect the general public by ordering offending businesses to cease and desist.”

Two industries that are expected to be first-in-line for a stepped up enforcement using this tool are gun manufacturers and fast food restaurants. “The sole purpose of a gun is to kill something or someone,” Cordray said. “It is an inherently unsafe product. By issuing a cease and desist order to manufacturers of these demonic devices we can bypass the inability of Congress to enact meaningful gun control laws.”

“Fast food is an even more insidious threat,” Cordray continued. “It’s probably responsible for more deaths than firearms. Yet, despite the best efforts of the First Lady businesses are still allowed to sell and consumers still allowed to buy these sickening comestibles. Well, the CFPB is going to ride to her rescue. Those who refuse to heed her request to offer healthier food choices will be shut down until they agree to comply.”

Businesses shut down by a CFPB cease and desist order could appeal the decision, but would remain closed as long as the CFPB deems warranted or until the CFPB order is overruled by a court. Either way, affected businesses could be without revenue for an extended period. Even if a court ultimately overturned a CFPB order the Agency would retain sovereign immunity for any damages suffered by shuttered businesses.

Concerned that the CFPB “may be overstepping its bounds to the detriment of both businesses and consumers,” Representative Sean Duffy (R-Wisc) has drafted legislation aimed at curbing the Agency. Whether it will go anywhere seems doubtful, though. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) denounced Duffy’s bill as “an unconstitutional infringement on the President’s right and duty to protect the American people from profiteers purveying unsafe and unhealthy products.”

In related news, First Lady Michelle Obama vowed she would “veto any legislative attempt to tamper with my school lunch program.” Schools have pressed Congress for relief from Michelle’s dietary guidelines on the grounds that students refuse to eat the food the guidelines require. The First Lady was unmoved. “Uneaten healthy food is better than eaten unhealthy food,” she argued. “Hunger will eventually bring the kids around.”

DOJ Wants to Boost Domestic Surveillance

Vowing not to allow himself to be distracted by recent events in Iraq, Attorney General Eric Holder called for increased efforts to monitor and interdict home grown threats.

“I know the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria is garnering a lot of attention beheading captured foes and pledging to use the cache of poison gas it has stumbled upon while rampaging through Iraq,” Holder said. “But this must not divert our focus from the bigger threat from those in this country who have an anti-government animus.”

“ISIS is thousands of miles away,” Holder pointed out. “Bloody as their aims may be they don’t pose a significant threat to our Government. In contrast, anti-government enemies of the President are legion and much more dangerous. There are an estimated 300 million guns in private hands in this country. That’s a lot of firepower in the hands of a population that polls show to be increasingly hostile toward the President.”

“While ISIS has no known sympathizers in Congress, those with anti-government animus do,” Holder added. “Senators and Representatives think nothing of openly criticizing the President’s programs and initiatives. Worse, they engage in active stratagems intended to block them. Unlike the ISIS, the anti-government crowd in America could bring down the Administration if we don’t take more active measures to prevent it.”

One element of the active measures the Attorney General is relying upon is the Domestic Terrorism Executive Committee. Holder urged this secretive committee “to raise our surveillance of potentially disloyal citizens another notch. We must penetrate their organizations, intercept their communications, and acquire every bit of intelligence on them that we can get our hands on so we will know who they are, where they are and when to initiate the appropriate countermeasures.”

Obama Says Iran May Be Key to Pacifying Iraq

Desperate for a way out of having to accept blame for a resumption of civil war in Iraq, President Obama welcomed the intervention of Iranian troops.

“It’s a case of fighting fire with fire,” the President explained. “The ISIS are some bad folks, but so are the Iranians. ISIS is terrorizing the Iraqi countryside, but Iran has a long history of aiding terrorist organizations like Hezbollah.”

Obama suggested that ISIS’s acquisition of Saddam Hussein’s secret stash of weapons of mass destruction could be counterbalanced by Iran’s secret nuclear weapons. “While the United States couldn’t credibly threaten ISIS with nuclear retaliation for their use of Saddam’s poison gases Iran could,” the President argued. “The regime is already on record welcoming the annihilation of the planet in the name of Allah.”

In related news, Secretary of State John Kerry wondered whether the Iraqi government’s indifference to the threat of global climate disruption may have contributed to the rise of ISIS. “Climate disruption has the potential to kill millions, maybe billions of the Earth’s inhabitants,” Kerry asserted. “I’m not surprised that many Iraqis watching their government ignore this problem were won over to the insurgency.”

Presidential Candidate Clarifies Gun Control Views

 

Aspiring 2016 presidential contender former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton sought to contrast her views on gun control with “the ineffectual dithering we’ve seen from the current Oval Office inhabitant.”

“Let me come right out and say it, the minority of private citizens with guns are terrorizing the rest of the population,” Clinton contended. “It’s got to be frightening for the average person when he realizes that his neighbor or the stranger passing him in the street may be armed and could shoot him at any moment.”

“If access to guns were limited to only those having a professional need for them—like police officers or body guards we could ratchet down the level of fear in our society,” Clinton continued. “Instead of having to worry that anyone might have a gun the number of those carrying would be reduced to a smaller pool. Awareness that the police have a virtual monopoly of firepower would tend to make everyone more compliant with police efforts to keep the peace. Stripped of the capacity to resist the only reasonable option would be obedience.”

Clinton brushed aside arguments that gun ownership is protected by the Second Amendment. “When that Amendment was written people were reacting to a fear that some despot would oppress them unless they were armed,” she said. “They had recently fought a war against the despotism of King George. In today’s America, though, there can be no despotism. Everyone gets to vote for who shall rule them. In effect, the Government is us. So our right to bear arms is preserved collectively in the hands of our elected Government. There is no longer any need for the right to bear arms to be exercised by each of us individually.”

In related news, the Clintons defended their efforts to evade estate taxes that Bill helped enact when he was President. “As persons who have donated their lives to public service we have already paid-in more than the average person, by rights we ought to be exempt,” a joint written statement read. “The scandalous absence of an explicit statutory exemption necessitated the maneuvers we have taken to right that wrong.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Cochran Gears Up for Final Campaign Push

John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Folder2 104Surprised that he is facing a run-off against State Senator Chris McDaniel to represent Mississippi in the US Senate, sitting Senator Thad Cochran (R) made an odd bid to corner the bestiality and animal cruelty vote.

With a knowing wink to his Pine Bluff audience, Cochran boasted that he’d done “all kinds of indecent things with animals” growing up in rural Mississippi.

Cochran campaign spokesman Jordan Russell downplayed Cochran’s comments contending that they were “the sorts of antics that many boys and young men engage in as youths. Let’s face it, rural Mississippi is just plain boring. Who can blame a youngster for setting a possum on fire or trying out his manhood on the family cow. It’s no big deal. I think every adult male in the state will identify with the Senator on this.”

This isn’t the only crucial voting bloc Cochran has made moves on in the last week. Senile voters also received a nod from the senator as he professed his confusion over Representative Eric Cantor’s recent primary defeat in Virginia. “I didn’t even realize that Eddie Cantor was still alive,” Cochran replied to a Fox News reporter. “Great singer and dancer, too. My favorite was ‘How Ya Gonna Keep ‘Em Down on the Farm (After They’ve Seen Paree?).’ That one really hit home with me. Sorry to hear he lost his seat in Congress.”

Coming to Cochran’s rescue is a $250,000 campaign donation from former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg who described the Senator as “a national treasure the nation can ill-afford to lose. When it comes to public policy, Senator Cochran has forgotten more than he’s ever known. His opponent can’t even come close to matching this wealth of institutional knowledge.”

Polls taken before Cochran’s recent remarks showed that McDaniel had opened up a small 3% lead in the race. The impact of Cochran’s new campaign emphasis is yet to be measured. Election day is June 24.

In related news, Representative Peter King (R-NY) lashed out at Senators Ted Cruz (R-Tex) and Rand Paul (R-Ken) for “encouraging voters to turn away from GOP leaders with years of experience and elect upstart neophytes whose single-minded notion that government can and should be curbed is simply out-of-step with modern realities. Life today is too complicated for individuals to cope with on their own. They need government help. The Democrats realize this. Until we Republicans get on-board we’ll continue to lose elections to them.”

Clinton Characterizes NPR Interviewer as “Dense” and “Unhelpful”

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton expressed her “deep-felt disappointment” with the turn her NPR interview with Terry Gross took. “Of all places I would’ve thought I’d be safe on NPR,” Clinton complained. “Is this woman dense? For her to badger me like she did is unhelpful. I mean, NPR is public radio. As a subsidiary of the federal government they ought to do a better job of helping their friends.”

The incident that sparked Clinton’s ire was a Gross question concerning when Clinton decided to support gay marriage. “During the time your husband was president it appeared that your position was opposed to gay marriage,” Gross said. “The infamous ‘Defense of Marriage Act’ defining marriage as a union of opposite sexes was passed by Congress and signed by President Clinton in 1996. Yet now, it seems that you fully support gay marriage. When did you switch sides?”

“At this point what does it matter when I switched sides,” Clinton replied. “If some want to believe that I always secretly supported gay marriage, but kept quiet for Bill’s sake, what’s wrong with that? If others want to believe that I, like so many other Americans, gradually came to the right side of the issue, what’s wrong with that?”

“I was only trying to clarify things,” Gross said. “Many brave individuals have been leaders in the fight for gay rights. Don’t voters deserve to know whether you were among them? Or is being a follower of popular trends sufficient grounds for voters to elect you president in 2016?”

The question now seems to be whether Gross will be able to hold onto her job at NPR. Paul Haaga, interim Chief Executive Officer of NPR would only say that “personnel matters are confidential. Whether any particular individual is employed by the organization is an internal matter. The complaint registered by Secretary Clinton will be taken under consideration. A decision that best serves the national will be rendered.”

In related news, Clinton is reportedly undecided on whether she will honor subpoenas to testify before Congress on Benghazi. “I do want to boost my book’s sales,” she told friends. “And some say any publicity is good publicity. But would stirring up more dust over that long ago tragedy really be in the nation’s best interest?” Hillary suggested that “if I were able to see the questions in advance and be permitted to delete those that are irrelevant then I might see my way clear to participate. Otherwise I’m not inclined to invest my time.”

NSA Says It Has No Control Over Its Data

Pressed to supply information in response to lawsuits charging that its widespread surveillance of US citizens is illegal, NSA Deputy Director Richard Ledgett contends that his agency cannot comply because “we’ve lost control over our computer system. We couldn’t retrieve the subpoenaed information if we wanted to. It’s like some kind of ‘Skynet’–alien and artificial intelligence has blocked access to all our data.”

Ledgett told US District for the Northern District of California Judge Jeffrey White “we’re as scared about this as anyone. We don’t know who’s side the computer is on. We’d like to think that since we programmed it we could count on it backing the Government and serving its interests, but we just don’t know. The fact that it currently is evading our efforts to manage it is not a good sign.”

In light of Ledgett’s response, Judge White vacated his earlier order requiring the NSA to preserve and produce the data needed to answer the lawsuits. “If the experts at NSA say they are stymied who are we to contradict them,” White reasoned. “Until NSA regains control of its system, if it ever does, I can see no alternative but to trust in their best judgment. The plaintiffs’ request for data is denied.”

Events in Iraq Have White House Mulling Options

The recent military success of the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL)–they have taken several northern cities in Iraq and are said to be advancing on Baghdad—has the White House in a tizzy. In 2011 President Obama declared Iraq had been cleared of Islamic extremists, that they’d been decimated and were on the run.

White House spokesman Josh Earnest insisted that “the administration is not accepting responsibility for these events. As the president has pointed out, Iraq was broken when he took office. The responsibility for that lies with his predecessor.”

Earnest contended that “steps the President has recently taken provide some ray of hope for a positive outcome. His release of detainees from Guantanamo should’ve earned us a reservoir of good will with the Islamic community in general and its terror arm in specific. So, we have that going for us.”

A second ray of hope cited by Earnest was the intervention of Iranian troops, which he argued “should stabilize the region. You don’t see terror attacks occurring in Iran. We need to ask ourselves why this is the case. What is their secret for averting this type of threat?”

In Earnest’s view “the positive role now being played by Iran also refutes those who say we’ve gone too easy on them. Maybe allowing Iran to join the nuclear club won’t be so bad after all. While the ISIL might doubt America’s willingness to unleash a nuclear strike on them, Iran might be perceived as having more fortitude in this regard.”

“And let’s not forget the president’s masterful deployment of drone strikes,” Earnest added, almost as an afterthought. “As he has humbly acknowledged, he’s very good at killing people with this technology. These terrorists must realize that no matter how many cities they take, no matter how many men they murder or women they rape, a drone can find them and strike them down at any time the President chooses.”

President Advises High School Grads

Speaking at a commencement ceremony at Worcester Technical High School in Worcester, Massachusetts, President Obama urged graduates to “vote Republicans out of office before they chain you to a life of sweat, toil, and unwanted personal responsibility.”

“Our country is at a crossroad,” Obama declared. “Will we continue to go forward toward a future of government-funded leisure for all? Or will the reactionaries of the GOP be permitted to drag us backward toward a lifestyle where everyone is dependent upon his or her own efforts?”

“Rugged individualism may have served our country well in the past when there was a wilderness to conquer,” the President observed. “But we are far beyond that now. We are at the dawn of the era of collective freedom. There is no longer a need for back-breaking labor to put food on the table. We have EBT cards. There is no longer a need to spend hours spinning, weaving and sewing. Inexpensive clothing can be imported from China and India. Today, putting a roof over your head is as simple as taking out a loan that can be forgiven when you stop making payments.”

“And it’s not only the bare necessities that I’m talking about,” Obama continued. “I see an America where everyone is entitled to the extras—all the good things in life. And, to paraphrase the Miranda warning, if you cannot afford them, the government will provide them for you.”

The president did task the students with “a responsibility to do the one little and easy job of electing your benefactors to office. The enemies of the new freedom won’t go away quietly. They prey upon outmoded ways of thinking to trick voters into buying their siren song. But you, as the new generation, can thwart their scheme by ensuring that Democrats hold all the levers of power at every level of government.”

Graduating senior Jamil Johnson hailed the speech as “a freeafying experience. I can’t say I understood everything he said, but it’s clear that white dudes are the ones we’ve got to bring down if we want to be free.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

President Calls Return of Bergdahl a ‘Mission of Mercy’

John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Folder2 104President Obama continued to insist that Sgt Bergdahl’s health was a major factor in his decision to negotiate the exchange with the Taliban.

“On the videos I saw he looked sick,” the President said. “And based on what I’ve been reading in the newspapers the waiting time for medical treatment for veterans is dangerously long. As it is, veterans already in this country have to wait months, possibly years, to receive critically needed care. I felt it was crucial for me to get Bergdahl back as soon as possible so he could take his place on this lengthy queue.”

The President denied that the price paid for Bergdahl’s release might’ve been too high. “There’s an old Chinese saying that it is better than a hundred guilty men go free than that one innocent man suffer,” Obama recalled. “I only let five guilty men go free, so we really got quite a bargain.”

Obama discounted the possibility that the five Gitmo prisoners he released would soon rejoin their jihad against the United States. “While it is, of course, possible that they may resume their terrorist attacks, I for one, wouldn’t bet on it,” the President declared. “Under the terms of the agreement for their release we are paying for all their expenses for an indefinite period at a five-star hotel in Qatar. If it were me there’d be no way I’d give up those kinds of perks to go into the desert or mountains to fight well-armed US troops. I mean, unlimited golf, satellite TV, fine dining vs. dodging bullets and drones. Come on, it’s a no brainer.”

Whether the President’s assessment of the odds is something to count on is dubious, though. According to a study by the RAND Corporation there has been more than a 50% increase in the number of jihadi groups and the number of jihadi fighters has tripled since Obama became President.

California Dems Aim to Pave Way for Illegal Alien Welfare Benefits

In 1994 California voters approved a ballot measure that blocks illegal aliens from receiving welfare benefits. Now State Senator Kevin de Leon (D-Los Angeles) has introduced a Senate Bill (396) that would overturn the 1994 vote and make these undocumented residents eligible for publicly-funded aid.

“These people are the poorest of the poor,” de Leon said. “They came to this country to escape the poverty of their native lands. It is inhumane for us to deny them relief at the end of their arduous treks.”

The Senator dismissed concerns that the State budget was already too strained to bear the cost of adding millions of new clients to its swollen welfare rolls. “Globally, we are a wealthy nation,” de Leon countered. “The extra taxes we are asking Californians to pay are a small price in the quest for universal social justice.”

Part of this quest for social justice “includes paying these immigrants for bearing the children American citizens are unwilling to produce,” de Leon explained. “Fertility rates among natural born citizens are below replacement level. Unless we are prepared to see our population shrink we need to subsidize those who are willing to reproduce. It’s as simple as that.”

De Leon brushed aside reports that undocumented immigrants may be contributing to a resurgence of communicable diseases. “Thanks to President Obama’s Affordable Care Act everyone, regardless of means, will be covered,” de Leon asserted. “In any case, I’m sure that the net gain from immigration will easily exceed any increase in mortality from these diseases.”

Rice Defends “Honor and Distinction” Remarks

As news emerges that newly repatriated Army Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl may have been a deserter and collaborator with the Taliban, President Barack Obama’s national security adviser Susan Rice ‘s comment that Bergdahl had served with “honor and distinction” has come under fire.

Undaunted by these unfavorable revelations, Rice insisted that her initial assessment still stands. “President Obama honored Sgt Bergdahl in his Rose Garden statement,” Rice pointed out. “You can’t ask for a higher honor than one bestowed by the President of the United States. And as for distinction, Bergdahl is now the most famous soldier to have served in Afghanistan. You can’t get any more distinct than that.”

Rice argued that “those who are lending credence to reports from Bergdahl’s former platoon mates are putting the veracity of common troops ahead of the Commander-in-Chief of the entire armed forces of the United States. Surely, the very limited perspective of these men gives them a truncated and distorted view when compared to the vastly broader and more well-informed perspective of the President.”

Deputy Assistant Secretary for Public Affairs at the U.S. Dept. of Housing and Urban Development, Brandon Friedman sought to back up Rice’s position by suggesting that these platoon mates “might be psychopaths. After all, a soldier’s job is to kill people. Anyone who would volunteer for such an occupation has got to raise red flags about his mental health. Why should we listen to them when we have the option of trusting the President?”

In related news, Noorullah Noori, one of the five Taliban terrorists released in exchange for Bergdahl says he is “eager to rejoin the fight against the American invaders” and remained optimistic that “I will get a shot at killing more of them before they are all withdrawn.”

Quebec Approves Bill Legalizing Euthanasia

The Québec National Assembly voted 94-22 to approve the so-called “dying with dignity” act. Under the provisions of this legislation any patient may request and will be granted euthanasia regardless of medical condition. Véronique Hivon, Minister for Social Services and Youth Protection, enthusiastically boasted that “we have done away with the notion that a person must be terminally ill before a merciful death can be prescribed. Now anyone who wants to end his life can simply order up the procedure.”

Alex Schadenberg, executive director of the Euthanasia Prevention Coalition characterized the legislation as “a dangerous step down the path to state-ordered killings. Prior to this legalization of killing, patients already face the risk of hospital error. It is one thing to mistakenly be given a medication intended to cure. It is quite another to mistakenly be given a drug intended to kill. A new source of anxiety has been added to one’s hospital stay.”

Hivon pooh-poohed the chances of the wrong patient being terminated as “incredibly small. One’s risk of being killed in a traffic crash are far larger. Besides, it’s not as if any potential miscue would be likely to strike down a perfectly healthy person. Those in the hospital are there because they aren’t fully healthy. So even if a person were erroneously put down it would presumably be from an already debilitated condition.”

Schadenberg was not reassured. “The casual dismissal of fears that errors could be made degrades the sanctity of human life. A life that may not matter much to the state may be precious to its owner and his loved ones. The notion that the population should be culled of the ill, the weak, the inconvenient, or the disobedient is fed by this monstrous turn toward human sacrifice.”

Senator Demands Investigation of Latest Koch Brothers Donation

News that the billionaire Koch brothers have donated $25 million to the United Negro College Fund spurred Senator Harry Reid (D-Nev) to demand an investigation.

“In the midst of a raft of phony scandals the GOP has been trying to cook up on the IRS, Benghazi, and now the terrorists traded for a POW, we see that the two most dangerous men in America are extending their tentacles into yet another sector of society,” Reid complained. “I, for one, find this latest development frightening. What sinister plan are they trying to implement?”

Reid contrasted “the very live threat represented by the Koch brothers” with what he characterized as “the dead issue of Benghazi where we see the House Republicans ginning up a completely unnecessary rehash of the events on a night long past. The people who died on that night can’t be revived, but the people who’s minds will be polluted under the guise of so-called philanthropy by the Kochs can still be saved.”

The Senator expressed some frustration with “the lack of support from my colleagues in the Senate” and some envy of President Obama “who can with the stroke of a pen order whatever he wants done to be done.”

“You’d think the IRS or the NSA would’ve already been all over the Kochs,” Reid speculated. “With all the data they’ve been gathering the NSA must by now have come across some errant comment or unseemly behavior by one of these guys. And even if there’s nothing concrete the threat of an IRS audit alone could’ve been used to bring these two into line.”

President’s Speech Commemorates D-Day Anniversary

On the 70th anniversary of D-Day, President Obama commended “the brave sacrifice of those who stormed ashore that day,” but advised that “we must temper our admiration by the realization that the combat units involved were not racially integrated, no women were among the ranks, gays were still in-the-closet, and transgenders were not yet accorded full social acceptability they deserve.”

Obama congratulated himself “for having the fortitude and initiative to move forward on these critical fronts so that we can finally glimpse the goal that the men who died here 70 years ago gave their lives to help secure.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

President Not Getting Enough Credit for Foreign Policy

John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Folder2 104State Department spokeswoman Jen Psaki lamented the perception that President Obama’s foreign policy has been plagued by incoherence and inconsistency, saying that “President Obama doesn’t give himself enough credit for what he’s done around the world.”

“Lesser minds are having difficulty comprehending the sophisticated nuances of the President’s world view,” Psaki contended. “They see the resurgence of al-Qaeda as evidence of failure in the war on terror. What they fail to understand is that if the United States is not perceived as threatening, that it is no longer their enemy, they will have no reason to attack us. And unlike during the Bush Administration, there have been no terrorist attacks on America since President Obama introduced his ‘smile turneth away wrath’ approach.”

Some members of the media found Psaki’s perspective “laughable,” however, former Vermont Governor Howard Dean came to her defense. “There is no question that there are vast differences between the mental capabilities of different people,” Dean said. “President Obama is at the pinnacle of the human pyramid. It stands to reason that persons further down would have a hard time trying to figure out his thinking.”

As an example of President Obama’s superhuman mental accomplishments Dean cited “the transformation he has wrought in Libya. For 40 years Gaddafi ruled that land with an iron fist, but with the skilled intervention carried out under President Obama’s orders a democratic and peaceful regime has supplanted his tyranny.”

According to Dean, the fact that few would be inclined to agree with his assessment “only bolsters the case for President Obama’s genius. Historically, geniuses have always stood out from the pack. Many have been pilloried and persecuted as President Obama is being pilloried and persecuted for his vision of a better world.”

In related news, Secretary of State John Kerry labeled Edward Snowden a coward for refusing to return to the United States where he faces the threat of prosecution for divulging that the US Government spies on its own citizens. “I think that a person who has objections to what his Government is doing has an obligation to air these grievances face-to-face like I did as a young naval officer in order to expose the war atrocities being committed by US troops in Vietnam,” Kerry said. The Secretary’s comparison may be inapt, though. While Kerry may have committed crimes, the Government never sought to try him—a circumstance that Kerry attributed to “both Nixon’s cowardice and the irrefutable truth of what I had to say.”

Pelosi Explains Why VA Secret Waiting List Isn’t an Obama Scandal

First of all, the contention that the Veterans Administration used secret waiting lists to conceal lengthy delays in treatments is disproved by the fact that everyone knows about them,” House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) argued. “To say it’s a secret when there are hundreds of stories in newspapers, magazines, TV and radio is just more of the same old Republican dirty tricks.”

“Then to say that somehow President Obama is at fault is simply unfair,” Pelosi continued. “As anyone who has seen his recent press conference knows he only found out about it from media reports just like the rest of us did. Just because he is the President doesn’t mean everything that goes on in his Administration is his fault. The Government is a vast enterprise that is far too big for any one person to manage.”

Confronted with the fact that Senator Obama criticized the VA when George Bush was president, Pelosi insisted that “awareness of the mistakes of others is different. The objective in 2008 was to convince voters to make a change. That goal was accomplished and reconfirmed in 2012, which, I think, shows that President Obama was able to focus on and achieve the more important task.”

“Now that President Obama has courageously and graciously accepted Shinseki’s resignation I am hopeful that we can put this ugly episode behind us,” Pelosi added. “Once again the President has been failed by a subordinate’s ineptitude. That he still continues to persevere for a country that may be unworthy of his greatness shows a strength of character beyond what anyone else in similar circumstances could have shown.”

In related news, VA officials testifying before Congress were accused of “stonewalling” by Representative Tim Huelskamp (R-Kan). Thomas Lynch, Assistant Deputy Undersecretary for Health and Clinical Operations, claimed that “disclosing Government secrets to a rogue Congress would be both insubordinate and possibly treasonous. The ulterior motive of those prying into VA affairs is to undermine our nation’s Commander-in-Chief. I cannot allow myself to become a party to this kind of disloyal and insurrectionist activity.”

Clinton Calls Benghazi Probe “Unpatriotic”

In what appears to have the character of a preemptive strike in furtherance of her anticipated 2016 presidential campaign, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton blasted GOP efforts to open a Congressional investigation of 2012′s massacre of four Americans in Benghazi as “unpatriotic.”

“For the sake of argument, let’s say that maybe some mistakes were made,” Clinton said. “Wouldn’t a public airing of these mistakes reflect poorly on the US Government? And wouldn’t making the Government look bad give aid and comfort to this country’s enemies? Isn’t this defined as treason in the US Constitution?”

“When you consider that I already conducted an investigation of this tragic event, the egregious redundancy of the GOP effort should be clear,” Clinton asserted. “My investigation showed that nothing we could say or do at this point would make any difference to the Americans who died on that day in Benghazi. I conveyed these findings in testimony to Congress last year. I answered their questions. For the Republicans to say that there are still unanswered questions merely because they refuse to accept the answers I gave is deceitful.”

Senator Refuses to Debate Opponent

Senator Thad Cochran (R-Miss) continues to decline invitations to debate his Republican primary opponent Chris McDaniel on the grounds that “this is a race for the United States Senate, not a debating society.”

“The voters of Mississippi have had 40 years to get to know my views,” Cochran pointed out. “I don’t see how a few hours of debate at this late date could provide a significant augmentation of what I’ve said and done in my service to the citizens of this fine state over this lengthy period.”

“By appearing on the same platform with my less-experienced challenger I would be elevating his stature—making him seem a viable alternative,” the Senator observed. “Why should I do that? LBJ didn’t debate Goldwater in the 1964 election and he went on to crush him winning more than 60% of the vote. I’m the sitting senator. McDaniel is the naif crying for attention. I think this contrast alone is enough to give voters a clear idea of who they should want as their senator.”

Obama Economy Continues to Under-Perform Expectations

For the 21st consecutive quarter the US economy has failed to live up to the Obama Administration’s promised improvement. The revised GDP for the January-March period of 2014 showed a 1% decline. The vaunted recovery from the “Great Recession” remains elusive.

Jason Furman, Chairman of the President’s Council of Economic Advisers, attributed the decline in GDP to “bad weather,” which he blamed on “GOP resistance to the President’s efforts to curb global climate change.”

“In one sense, bad weather can just be bad luck,” Furman suggested. “The Soviet economy was hammered year-after-year by an incredible streak of bad weather from the 1920s through the 1980s. If a country like the old USSR with a totally unified consensus on economic policy could suffer such misfortune, there ought to be more sympathy for President Obama’s frustration with an uncooperative Congress.”

“The real issue here is persistent GOP obstruction of the President’s agenda,” Furman maintained. “With each passing day the GOP’s behavior is forcing him toward taking unilateral action to bypass their blockade. While those wed to strict adherence to Constitutionally delegated powers will complain, I, for one, will welcome this bold adventure into a new form of governance for this country.”

Senator Pushes “Hate Speech” Surveillance Law

Senator Edward Markey (D-Mass) is pushing legislation (S-2219) that would empower the federal government to monitor all media to ferret out “hate speech.”

“There is a large reservoir of bigotry in our population,” Markey said. “If we are to stamp it out we need to know who is spreading these vile thoughts. While we can’t listen in on everybody at this point we can access all communications passing over the Internet and airwaves.”

The Senator denied his Bill is an invasion of privacy. “The Internet and the airwaves are in the public domain,” Markey asserted. “In effect, this means that the Government owns these mediums and has both the right and the obligation to ensure that no hateful expressions are permitted on them. A necessary step to ensuring this is to find out who is abusing our communications systems for the purpose of fomenting hatred.”

Currently, Markey has no co-sponsors for his legislation—a phenomenon he attributes to the “climate of fear that has been successfully nurtured by the purveyors of hate. If these people can intimidate members of Congress to spurn this vital legislation it should be obvious that it is needed more than ever.”

Michelle Obama Vows Veto of Changes to School Lunch Menus

First Lady Michelle Obama says she will “veto” any effort by Republicans in Congress to grant local school districts discretion to deviate from her prescribed “healthy fare” food choices. “Obesity is a serious health threat and I have worked too long and hard to allow the gains I have achieved to be undermined by people suffering from nutritional ignorance,” she declared.

School districts have sought freedom to diverge from the First Lady’s program because many of their students refuse to eat what is served. Nonetheless, Michelle sees no reason to yield or compromise. “Even if it is true that some of their students won’t eat what’s good for them, I can’t permit the substitution of unhealthy alternatives,” she insisted. “If this means that some students go without lunch, well, is that really so bad? Kids today are way too fat. Missing one meal a day would probably benefit most of them.”

Meanwhile, the lunches served to Michelle’s daughters at the posh Sidwell Friends School deviate considerably from what she has decreed must be mandatory for public schools catering to the broader population.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Kerry Says Obama Administration ‘Most Transparent and Accountable in History’

John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
Folder2 104In a lightly publicized press conference, Secretary of State John Kerry told members of the Mexican media that “I believe President Obama will go down in history as the president who has held himself and his administration accountable to the highest standards of transparency and accountability.”

While GOP critics of the Administration have repeatedly battled to try to obtain documents relating to the numerous scandals—Fast and Furious, NSA spying, IRS mistreatment of conservative groups, the Benghazi massacre, and “death-by-delay” at Veterans Administration hospitals—Kerry insisted that “the fact that people are aware of these events proves the Administration has not suppressed all information.”

“Given the vast amount of power at his disposal, the President could easily eliminate or intimidate all inquiries into the Government’s private affairs,” Kerry argued. “There are armed men standing by ready to pay a visit to anyone who displeases him. And there is no limit to the funds available for persuading witnesses to forget or manufacture whatever testimony he deems is in the nation’s best interest.”

“Yet, there’s been no ‘night of the long knives,’ no Stalin-like arrest of political opponents,” Kerry pointed out. “Senator Cruz still rants against the President. Rush Limbaugh still fills the airwaves with his criticisms. No one’s gone to jail. No one’s mysteriously disappeared. What more proof does anyone need?”

Governor Calls Fetal Pain Bill Efforts “Waste of Time”

A push for a special session to consider legislation that would address fetal pain and, thereby, place a limit on abortions was labeled a “waste of time” by West Virginia Governor Earl Ray Tomblin (D).

“As I’ve said before, legislation that would elevate concern for a fetus’s pain above that of a woman’s right to terminate her pregnancy is unconstitutional,” Tomblin reiterated. “The argument that the pain inflicted on the fetus is a violation of the Eighth Amendment’s bar against cruel or unusual punishment is unpersuasive. The Eighth Amendment protects against cruel punishment. The fetus has committed no offense and is not being punished. Therefore, it is not entitled to this protection. Neither is the pain unusual. There have been over 50 million abortions performed since 1973′s Roe vs. Wade Court decision.”

“On a more practical level, the pain inflicted is momentary,” Tomblin added. “Whether the fetus is injected with poison, has its spinal cord severed, or its brain evacuated, death is relatively quick. In contrast, the pain inflicted by an unwanted birth can last decades for the mother and a lifetime for the child. It seems to me that those trying to avert a momentary pain at the cost of one of greater duration are the true proponents of unusual cruelty.”

Obamacare Glitch Blocks Woman’s Medicine

Though she was successful signing up for one of the Affordable Care Act health insurance plans, Shelby Higdon has been unsuccessful in her quest to obtain medicine for her condition. The problem stems from a mismatch between her actual gender and what is recorded in the ACA computer files.

An ACA employee who asked to remain anonymous explained that “Shelby is a man’s name. She can’t expect us to overlook that. Her mother’s complaint is especially galling. She could’ve prevented this years ago if she’d simply named her daughter Shelly—an obvious girl’s name.”

“We’ll probably get this straightened out eventually,” the employee continued. “I mean, as I understand it, the medicine she wants is to reduce pain. That’s not a life threatening situation. She could just bear with it until we have time to correct the records. Or she could just pay the $300 a month for the drug until then. It’s not that much money. Heck, the monthly premiums are usually two to three times higher.”

In related news, the White House urged health insurance firms to delay informing policyholders of upcoming rate hikes until after the November elections “so that voters will not be confused by adding a complex issue to what they have to think about while they’re trying to concentrate on the election.”

Congressman Advocates Communism as Cure for what Ails America

Earlier this week, Representative Joe Garcia (D-FLA) said that “poverty and crime in this country could be cured if we had a communist economic system. Under communism everybody has a good government job. No one has to go without the basic necessities. No one has any need to commit crimes.”

Contrary to Garcia’s thesis, though, Washington, DC, which has a very high ratio of government jobs, also has one of the highest crime rates in the nation. As for government employees having no need to commit crimes, well, over 300,000 current and former federal workers owe more than $3 billion in unpaid income taxes.

According to Garcia, “these facts are unfair. Not everyone living in DC has a good-paying government job. Many of those who don’t have to steal from or sell illegal drugs to those who do in order to make a living. If we made everyone a government employee we could do away with this problem.”

As for the unpaid taxes, Garcia asserted that “the idea that people receiving their income from the government should have to turn back a portion of it strikes me as the height of inefficiency. It makes no sense to give out this money and then demand that part of it be paid back. It’s no wonder that some of these employees are confused about whether they should pay their taxes.”

In response to negative reactions for his embrace of communism, Garcia tried to distinguish between “the bad communism where people are arrested in the middle of the night, tortured, and shot without a trial or sent to slave labor camps and the good communism I am advocating where the government takes care of everybody.”

USDA Solicits Bids for Machine Guns

The United States Department of Agriculture has sent out a request for arms manufacturers to offer bids on supplying the agency with an unspecified number of machine guns.

Secretary Thomas Vilsack beat back incredulous inquiries skeptical of the Department’s need for this high-powered weaponry. “It goes without saying that this country’s rural population has its own armory of personally owned firearms,” Vilsack said. “Paired with their unwelcome notions of independence and self-reliance we have the makings of effective disdain for and disobedience toward the regulations, taxes, and property seizures the we may be attempting to enforce. To be blunt, the Department can’t afford to let itself be out-gunned.”

To help bolster his case, the Secretary recounted how “early in this nation’s history farmers took up arms against the Government to resist its imposition of the whiskey tax. The situation was so dire that President Washington himself had to lead troops to quell the uprising. We aim to circumvent President Obama being forced into a similar personal show of strength. If our rural population can be shown that USDA personnel have superior firepower this risky contingency can be averted before it takes place.”

NYC Announces Plan to Equalize Neighborhoods

Concerned that the City is an inhomogeneous hodgepodge with pockets of great wealth in some neighborhoods and squalor in others, newly appointed Housing Preservation and Development Commissar Vicki Been announced a plan to move 80,000 to 120,000 poorer families into middle class neighborhoods.

“This way instead of having blight and filth in every direction they might look poorer families will be within easy walking distance of a better kept neighborhood,” Been boasted. “The crimes that plague poorer sections of our City would be more evenly dispersed throughout the whole City. Victims will come from a more broadly representative subset of the City’s overall population.”

Been apologized for not being able to move at least some of these poorer families into upper class sections of the City. “Ideally, there shouldn’t be any distinctions across socioeconomic differences,” Been said. “But current budgetary constraints prevent us from taking a more aggressive approach. Resources that ought to be communally owned are still in private hands. Over the long term it is Mayor De Blasio’s hope that a fairer allocation of these economic resources by City authorities will effectively break down the class and income distinctions that continue to pollute our society.”

Hollywood Hypocrites Cry Foul

James O’Keefe’s latest video sting operation exposed Hollywood liberals willing to accept covert funding from Arab oil producers in order to make an anti-fracking movie. Now the unmasked hypocrites are demanding that the Government do something to punish him.

“The publicity that has followed from the airing of O’Keefe’s secret taping of negotiations we thought would remain private has done serious damage to our reputations,” conspirator Ed Begley lamented. “Instead of being perceived as environmentally conscious citizens we are now looked upon as paid shills for foreign oil interests.”

Begley contended that “since we were only acting to help advance the Government’s position on energy and environmental issues it is only right that the Government do something to help us. Surely there must be some unflattering information about O’Keefe in the vast files of the FBI or NSA. Couldn’t some of this be leaked to help undermine O’Keefe’s credibility? Even a mere announcement that he is being investigated by Government authorities would serve to divert attention in a favorable direction.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Industry Group Warns Prescription Costs Will Rise under Obamacare

John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Folder2 104The Pharmaceutical Research and Manufacturers of America (PhRMA) reports that a study comparing out-of-pocket costs under Affordable Care Act health insurance policies will likely exceed costs under employer sponsored plans by an estimated 130%.

John Castellani, president and CEO of PhRMA, expressed concern that “millions of Americans may be priced out of receiving the medicines they need. This completely contradicts the Administration’s promise that the Affordable Care Act would provide coverage equivalent to or better than what people had prior to the new law.”

Deputy Secretary of Health and Human Services Bill Corr disputed the implication that the health of Americans would be negatively affected. “Most of the prescription drugs people take are unnecessary,” Corr asserted. “Some are outright harmful when all of the negative side effects are taken into consideration. So if higher out-of-pocket costs reduce the consumption of these drugs not only will we save money, we will save lives.”

“If the general public had known that boosting consumers’ out-of-pocket drug costs in order to discourage consumption was an intended outcome of the President’s health care reform I doubt they would’ve supported its passage,” Castellani observed. “I certainly know our organization wouldn’t have supported it.”

“What these outsiders may have believed is not important,” Corr replied. “The key was to reform our nation’s health care system by whatever means necessary. The ACA is now the law of the land. We will carry out its provisions as the President deems appropriate. If this cuts into drug manufacturers’ profits, so be it.”

In related news, health insurance executive Marcus Merz, CEO of PreferredOne, says another accomplishment of Obamacare will be “to help people break away from the idea that they should have a range of choices when it comes to who will treat them. Choice adds to the cost of health care. The less of it there is, the more we save.”

Senator Proffers More Evidence of Encroaching Dementia

Repeated rants against the Koch brothers appear to be insufficient to calm Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev). “What’s needed,” says Reid, “is a Constitutional Amendment aimed specifically at stopping them.”

“These two men are an existential threat to America,” Reid argued. “They are, perhaps, the single biggest factor behind global warming. We cannot afford to treat them like ordinary citizens. Extraordinary measures must be taken to stave off their attacks on our Government.”

The “attacks” Reid wants to stave off are studies that contradict Administration policies and candidates that vie to unseat Democratic officeholders—both funded by donations from the Koch brothers.

“The Koch brothers are hiding behind the freedom of speech that our Constitution guarantees for true patriots,” Reid asserted. “They will continue to exploit this loophole until we take action to close it.”

The Senator contends that “a simple revision to the First Amendment that would abridge freedom of speech for only the Koch brothers would do the trick. Everyone else’s freedom would remain untouched. Only these two malefactors of great wealth would be impacted.”

“Amending the Constitution in this way would enable Congress to pass legislation aimed specifically at sanctioning the nefarious activities of the Kochs,” Reid explained. “And courts would be barred from overturning these laws because the Constitution would explicitly permit clamping down on the Kochs.”

IRS Emboldened to Resist Cooperating with Congress

Rather than cowing the IRS into cooperating with Congressional inquiries, the House’s citing former IRS official Lois Lerner with contempt seems to have emboldened further resistance. “The notion that this ‘slap-on-the-wrist’ is going to make us turn on our friends is ludicrous,” said IRS Commissioner John Koskinen.

At issue is correspondence between the IRS and high-ranking Democrats–including Sen. Schumer (D-NY), Sen. Reid (D-NV), Sen. Bennet (D-CO), Sen. Landrieu (D-LA), Sen. Pryor (D-AR), Sen. Hagan (D-NC), Sen. Begich (D-AK), Sen. Shaheen (D-NH), Sen. Mark Udall (D-CO), Sen. Franken (D-MN), Sen. Warner (D-VA), Rep. Braley (D-Iowa) and Rep. Peters (D-MI)–who are alleged to have pressured the Agency to crack down on conservative political organizations in the run up to the 2012 elections.

“We will not provide ammunition for the GOP’s efforts to denigrate these great men,” Koskinen vowed. “The Party of the Government must stick together if we are to fend off this anti-government conspiracy. Even if it weren’t the right thing to do, people can surely see that it is the sensible thing for us to do.”

“The President has the power to use deadly force against those who would act to discredit his Government,” Koskinen pointed out. “Many of those who posed such a threat are now dead on his orders. Being held in contempt by Congress is nowhere near as potent a deterrent. They even balked at sending Lois to jail, which they had the authority to do. So, I think I’ll risk defying Congress rather than disobeying the President.”

In related news, retired Gen. Michael Hayden, former Director of the NSA, admitted that the Obama Administration has been using so-called metadata as the foundation of its “assassination-by-drone program.” “Metadata absolutely tells you everything about somebody’s life,” Hayden said. “You don’t have to actually listen-in to what people are saying or read their emails or texts. As long as you know who is talking and where they are you can launch a drone strike against them.” Ironically, the Obama Administration has tried to mollify critics of its spying on Americans by assuring that it is not listening or reading, but only collecting metadata.

President Ups Pressure for Immigration Reform

Determined to maneuver Republicans in Congress into supporting immigration reform before the November elections, President Obama ordered the release of 36,000 illegal alien criminals. The crimes committed were for offenses other than entering the country illegally, including 116 homicides, 426 sexual assaults, 303 kidnappings, 1,075 aggravated assaults, 1,160 stolen vehicles, 9,187 dangerous drug possessions, and 24,822 driving under the influence of alcohol or drugs.

“By denying these undocumented immigrants legal status we force them into the shadows where they must struggle to support themselves,” the President complained. “The vast majority accept low-wage work cleaning our homes, mowing our lawns, and serving our fast food. But some can’t even get these slavery-type jobs. They are forced into lives of crime. It would be unfair to hold this against them while Congress—a virtual co-conspirator—repeatedly refuses to enact corrective legislation.”

The release of these criminals outraged Senator Jeff Sessions (R-Ala). “After pleading for latitude in dealing with so-called ‘harmless’ undocumented aliens, the Administration now goes ahead and sends dangerous criminals out into the streets of America’s cities and towns,” Sessions complained. “This goes beyond dereliction of his duty to enforce the law. It is a malicious attempt at extortion.”

Administration Official Doubts Benghazi Probe Will Get Anywhere

National Security Adviser Susan Rice says she doubts that the newly organized House of Representatives probe into the 2012 attack on the US Consulate in Benghazi will make any headway.

“Look, they can’t make us tell them anything we don’t want to tell them,” Rice bragged. “We know exactly what happened that day. They don’t. Any notion the Republicans may have that subpoenas will compel testimony we don’t want to give is totally off-base.”

“They say they want documents,” Rice said. “Well, we’ve already given them 25,000 pages of documents. What, these aren’t the documents they were requesting? So what? They say they want witnesses. We already had Secretary of State Hillary Clinton testify. She was the highest ranking person involved during the Benghazi event. There is no need for any lower ranking personnel to be called especially since the Secretary conclusively proved that at this point whatever happened that day doesn’t matter now.”

“Do they think that our show of defiance and refusal to cooperate will win them PR points?” Rice asked. “Get real. The media are on our side. The whole thing is just a colossal waste of time.”

In related news, Rice contended that “GOP opposition to Administration policies is America’s main weakness. It prevents the President from presenting a united front to our overseas adversaries. Neither China nor Russia have to face the kind of domestic cabals of disloyalty that President Obama has had to contend with. Until we find an effective way to eliminate this disloyalty the nation’s foreign policy will lack total effectiveness.”

Democrat Rallies to Defend Veterans Administration

Undaunted by recent revelations of veterans dying while waiting for treatment at VA Hospitals, Senator John Tester (D-Mont) insists that “the VA is doing a pretty darn good job.”

“What a lot of people, especially those hammering the VA, are overlooking is that while some vets died a majority lived,” Tester declared. “Obviously, and vets should know this, any operation as large as the VA is bound to have some casualties. Not everyone can be saved. Rather than become obsessed with those who aren’t saved why don’t we applaud those who are?”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

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