Category Archives: John Semmens

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

The Communist Party of the United States announced it is supporting Barack Obama’s reelection bid. “It used to be that we had to run our own candidates for public office,” recounted Sam Webb, chairman of the Communist Party USA. “In recent years, though, we’ve found a huge overlap with many of the candidates running on the Democratic ticket. Of these, President Obama is the best of the lot.”

Webb hastened to point out that “this doesn’t mean we are totally satisfied with everything he has done in his first term. The airwaves haven’t yet been cleared of fascist propaganda. Capitalists are still allowed to profiteer from meeting human needs. And property has not been fully collectivized. But we see signs of progress in all these areas and are confident that a second term will bring significant breakthroughs on all fronts.”

NARAL also proclaimed its support for a second Obama term. NARAL President Nancy Keenan said “we are proud to extend our endorsement to a man who has done more to ensure that no woman need endure an unwanted pregnancy than any of his predecessors. Under his rule no insurer will be permitted to refuse to provide whatever measure of birth control is necessary to prevent or terminate a pregnancy. He has brought us closer to the day when a more equitable distribution of child-bearing responsibilities is attained.”

County Employee Fired for Possession of Firearm

Wayne County groundskeeper John Chevilott was recently fired by County Supervisors from a job he’d held for 23 years. His offense was possession of a firearm on County property. Chevilott found a small pistol in the grass he was mowing. He turned it over to police after he completed his work shift.

“There is no question that the gun was in his possession, he admits it was,” asserted County Supervisor Leonard Prickman. “Our policy is clear. No one may carry a firearm on County property. There’s a ‘zero tolerance’ for violators. We cannot allow anyone to skirt the rules for any reason. To make an exception in this instance would be the first step on the road to total anarchy.”

As for what Chevilott should’ve done upon his chance discovery of the weapon, Prickman declined to offer an opinion. “Our policy does not cover such a contingency,” Prickman pointed out. “And we are not obligated to invent one on-the-spot just to please any amateur logicians who want to stick their noses into our affairs.”

Police Report Blames Zimmerman

A new report from the Sanford, Florida Police Department holds George Zimmerman totally responsible for the incident that resulted in the shooting death of Trayvon Martin last February. Evidence that Martin had severely beaten Zimmerman before he was shot was discounted by the report.

“The fact is, if Zimmerman had stayed home that day the confrontation would never have occurred,” the report said. “The black eyes, broken nose, and lacerated scalp he suffered would not have happened if he hadn’t ventured out into the streets and exposed himself to risk.”

That Zimmerman had taken on this risk willingly by volunteering for the neighborhood watch patrol was seen as further evidence for his culpability. “Zimmerman was aware that there had been crimes committed in the area,” the report continued. “Yet, he chose to leave the relative safety of his home in a misguided vigilante effort. He compounded his error, turning what probably would have been a routine episode of assault-and-battery into a homicide by bringing a gun along with him.”

Special Prosecutor Angela Corey promised that she will “prosecute Mr. Zimmerman to the fullest extent that I can. We need to send the message that patrolling the streets is a job best left to the police. The decision on when to use deadly force is something that must be confined to trained professionals. Citizens concerned about crime should move to safer neighborhoods and only leave their homes when absolutely necessary.”

Kenyan Birth Claim “Just a Marketing Gimmick”

The revelation that a promotional brochure produced in 1991 by Barack Obama’s literary agency touting his “Kenyan birth” was called “just a marketing gimmick” by Press Secretary Jay Carney.

“The president was trying to persuade a publisher to give him a book deal,” Carney explained. “Naturally, he wanted to make the sale, so the fact that he embellished his resume shouldn’t come as a big surprise to anyone. Come on, making yourself look bigger and better than you really are is standard procedure if you hope to survive in our competitive culture. I mean, is there anyone who hasn’t lied under similar circumstances?”

To those that might harbor suspicions that the reported Kenyan birth could be true, Carney suggested that “even if it were, I think the point is moot. The president has shown that he is fully capable of handling the job. Any deficiencies he may have had on paper have been more than offset by his on-the-job performance for the last three years. Besides, I think the statute of limitations on the whole ‘natural born citizen’ issue has expired.”

Geithner Admits “Finance Has Never Been My Strong Point”

In an interview for PBS News Hour, US Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner confessed to being “severely confused” by matters of finance.

“A few years ago I was being mocked for messing up my taxes,” Geithner complained. “But, really now, who can figure out the tax code? It’s such a mixed up pile of contradictory rules and instructions that I’d be surprised if anybody got it right.”

“This deficit stuff, what’s that all about?” Geithner wondered. “How can the government be short of money? I’ve been to the mint and it seems we can print as much as we need. If there’s a capacity problem with the presses couldn’t we just switch over from ones to hundreds?”

“And don’t get me started on this whole debt ceiling thing,” the secretary added. “I don’t get why we are borrowing money when we can print as much as we want. It seems like the Republicans are banging this drum to try to confuse voters and turn them against the president.”

As baffled as he seems on fiscal matters, Geithner claimed to have a firm grasp on the economic impacts of the Administration’s program. “More individuals have been relieved of the necessity to work under President Obama than under any of his predecessors,” he boasted. “The unemployment rate has been steadily coming down as more and more people realize they don’t have to have a job to put food on the table—that’s what food stamps are for. The president’s generosity on this alone is unparalleled in our nation’s history.”

Chaplain Bill Said to Violate Separation of Powers Clause

A House of Representative effort to enact legislation (HR 4310) that would protect military chaplains from being forced to perform same-sex “marriages” was excoriated by the White House as an unwarranted infringement on the President’s prerogatives as Commander-in-Chief.

Jeffrey Zients, Acting Director of the White House Office of Management and Budget, said the bill violates the separation of powers clause of the Constitution. “A chaplain is a member of the armed forces,” Zients observed. “The armed forces are directly under the president’s chain of command. If the President wants to order a chaplain to undertake certain designated tasks, Congress has no authority to interfere.”

The possibility that some of these designated tasks might conflict with the religious tenets of the chaplains was deemed irrelevant. “Look, service in the military is voluntary,” Zients pointed out. “If a chaplain isn’t willing to follow orders he should resign. As long as he wears the uniform, though, he, like any other soldier, is obligated to do as he is told. The president cannot allow misguided religious zealotry to interfere with his policies.”

Obama Rewrites History

Visitors to the White House website were treated to major revisions in the biographies of the Presidents. Some highlights of these revisions included:

George Washington, in an effort to create a nation that could later be ruled by Barack Obama persevered through many hardships and overcame long odds to defeat the powerful British Army and establish the United States of America in 1781.

Abraham Lincoln, anticipating the need for Barack Obama to rescue the nation from the despair of eight years of George W. Bush, issued the emancipation proclamation in 1862 declaring Blacks residing in areas outside of the control of Union armies were henceforth free. This made Obama, whose ancestors resided in Kenya at that time, eligible to become president of the United States 146 years later.

Dwight Eisenhower, realizing that there would be no opportunity for Barack Obama to become president 65 years later if the Nazis won World War II led a successful attack against the Germans in Normandy in 1944.

Ronald Reagan, foreseeing the need for massive amounts of money that could be redistributed by Barack Obama to promote social justice, used tax cuts to spark a wave of economic growth that created thousands of new millionaires.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens Archives

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By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

President Obama’s putative autobiography—Dreams from My Father—is apparently mostly “made up stuff.” Nonexistent characters and imaginary events comprise the bulk of the content. The only verified content seems to be that the President was alive during the years depicted and that he must, therefore, have had a father—even though precisely who that might have been hasn’t been confirmed.

Press Secretary Jay Carney rebuffed criticism that the President’s book is a work of fiction. “Look, the title says it all,” Carney defensively asserted. “It’s pretty tame compared to my dreams. It has no space aliens, no naked clowns, and no spankings. It could’ve been a lot more lurid. I think we ought to give the President credit for being a lot more modest liar than most of us would be under similar circumstances.”

In other circles, the autobiography’s lack of connection to reality is being hailed as another sign of Obama’s genius. “Most people would be hard pressed to write a factual account of their own lives,” declared MSNBC’s Chris Matthews. “Yet, here we have a man that was able to create an alternate reality using only the power of his own mind. Reelecting him for another four year term would fall far short of what we ought to be doing. We ought to be begging him to stay on for life to rule over us like one of Plato’s philosopher kings.”

President Warns Court on Obamacare Ruling

President Barack Obama sought to ward off the possibility of the US Supreme Court invalidating his signature health care legislation by promising “severe consequences will ensue should they make that mistake.”

One of the “severe consequences” the President said he is contemplating is “to wreak havoc on the elderly by disrupting Medicare in a way that will torment this vulnerable segment of the population.”

On a more personal level. Obama threatened to diminish the status of the sitting Justices by appointing additional members to the Court. “The Constitution doesn’t say there should by nine judges on the Supreme Court,” Obama pointed out. “Nineteen would be an equally constitutional number. How would they like to see their votes diluted? How would they like to have to share office space?”

The president was unfazed by former President Franklin Roosevelt’s failure in his attempt to expand the number of Justices during his administration. “FDR’s mistake was that he asked Congress to legislate an increase in the number of judges,” Obama said. “Even though Democrats controlled both houses, divergent views and  competing egos blocked his effort. I won’t make that mistake. I will simply issue an Executive Order expanding the size of the Court on my own authority as the duly elected ruler of this nation.”

Pelosi Calls for End to Raids on Marijuana Producers and Distributors

Taking an uncharacteristic stand in favor of “states’ rights,” House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) beseeched President Obama to put an end to federal efforts to impede the production, distribution, and use of marijuana in states where it is legal.

“I know how important it is to the President to establish the absolute supremacy of the federal government in all matters,” Pelosi conceded. “I share that goal. Nevertheless, we can’t allow ourselves to lose sight of the fact that marijuana users are a prime constituency of the Democratic Party. So, while I’d normally say ‘screw states’ rights,’ in this case I think we have a rationale for making an exception that can work in our favor.”

California voters legalized the use of marijuana for medicinal purposes in a 1996 initiative. Since then users abiding by state law have still been exposed to criminal sanctions under federal law. The Obama Administration has continued federal action to suppress marijuana use in California and other states despite a 2008 pre-election promise to end this practice. Attorney General Eric Holder explained that “those who want us to look the other way know what they’ve got to do. So far, they just haven’t held up their side of the bargain.”

Administration Wants Easier Access to Cell Phone Records

The Obama Administration is demanding Congress pass legislation granting law enforcement greater access to personal cell phone records.

“Right now we have to show probable cause to obtain a warrant for these kinds of records,” complained Deputy Assistant Attorney General Jason Weinstein. “This demands that we must present some evidence that we have reason to believe a crime has been or will be committed before we can get a judge to issue that warrant. This standard is too strict.”

Weinstein argued that “a broader, more general authority to scrutinize cell phone activity would help us uncover crimes and other undesirable behavior that we’d otherwise miss” while simultaneously downplaying fears of an invasion of privacy. “If people aren’t doing anything wrong, why should they care if law enforcement knows what they’re up to?” Weinstein asked. “Besides, cell phone calls are transmitted through the people’s airways. As the representative of the people, government has a responsibility to see that these airways are not misused. No one forces a person to use a cell phone. If he does I think he voluntarily cedes his right to privacy.”

Bid to Capture Women’s Votes Intensifies

Already leading in the polls when it comes to women’s votes, the Obama campaign laid out a bold plan to seal the deal with a short film called the “Life of Julia.” In the film, the government is portrayed as Julia’s omnipresent caregiver and overseer.

“Both psychology and our polling data indicate that the thing women want most is to be taken care of,” said Obama campaign adviser David Axelrod. “Sadly, the traditional method of achieving this objective—being part of a loving family as a daughter, wife, mother, etc.–is defective. What we’re offering is for the government to slip in and substitute for the roles that would traditionally be played by fathers and husbands.”

“Government has more resources at its disposal than any individual man could bring to his family,” Axelrod bragged. “Government is immortal and ubiquitous. A woman would never have to worry about it becoming unemployed or asking for a divorce. She wouldn’t have to cook it meals, wash its socks, or put up with tiresome demands for sex or affection. If we can effectively communicate these facts we feel confident that the vast majority of women will vote Democrat this November.”

Warren Campaign Hits Road Bump

Democrat Elizabeth Warren, candidate for the Massachusetts senate seat now held by Republican Scott Brown, saw her campaign hit rough going over her claimed Native American ancestry.

Not only is the highly diluted nature of her claim (by her own account, she is one-thirty-second Native American) dogging her, but her boast that her great-great-great grandfather killed and scalped General Custer at the Battle of the Little Big Horn in 1876 hasn’t gone over as well as she had hoped.

Warren speculated that the negative reaction stems from sexism. “When Senator Kerry cut the ears off of the Viet Cong he killed he was considered a big war hero,” Warren declared. “And everybody’s praising the President for killing bin Laden. Is it because I’m a woman that I can’t get the same kind of respect?”

Russia Weighing Preemptive Strike

Charging that NATO’s anti-missile system poses a threat to its “strategic flexibility,” Moscow says it reserves the right to initiate a preemptive attack. Russian Chief of General Staff Nikolai Makarov says he isn’t buying the United States’ contention that the system is purely defensive in nature.

“The Americans say that their anti-missiles would only be deployed against incoming missiles,” Makarov observed. “But this in itself is offensive. Russia’s security may require a surprise first strike. American efforts to blunt such an option would fundamentally undermine our strategic planning.”

Makarov’s remarks were described as “incredibly poorly timed” by the Obama Administration. “Medvedev personally assured me that he would put a lid on this kind of rhetoric until after November,” Obama complained. “I thought I’d made it clear to him that his country’s needs would be met after I secured my reelection. Coming from a place where elections are just for show, I guess he doesn’t realize the trouble this causes me.”

City Warns Victims of Vandalism

San Francisco businesses whose windows were broken by “Occupy” protesters and whose subsequently boarded-up buildings were spray-painted with graffiti by local hoodlums were advised by city officials that they would be fined $500 a day if “the facilities are not put in acceptable condition within 30 days.”

“Rules are rules,” said Otto Lawless, head of the City’s Zoning Enforcement Division. “I have to do my job. Can you imagine how decrepit and dilapidated our city would look if I didn’t.”

Lawless said the affected businesses who feel that the police could’ve done more to protect their property in the first place “should quit their whining. Vandalism is just one of the costs of doing business in the city. Those who don’t want to pay for it always have the option to get out of town.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens Archives

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) Region 6 administrator Al Armendariz apologized for boasting that the Obama Administration’s approach toward environmental enemies was to “crucify them.” Armendariz attributed his remarks to his misunderstanding of the scope of the President’s authority.

“While it is agreed that the President is empowered to kill those he deems a threat, I have been advised by the Attorney General that actually crucifying them would be construed as ‘cruel and unusual,’” Armendariz said. “Only more covert methods are currently approved.”

Armendariz acknowledged “the President’s right to impose whatever restrictions he sees fit. After all, he is our ruler. I have to think, though, that a more demonstrative display of the consequences of opposing the President’s agenda would be more effective as a deterrent. I mean, crucifixion was a very effective enforcement tool for the Romans. Since their empire lasted a thousand years I wouldn’t be so quick to disdain their methods.”

EPA Administrator Lisa Jackson further clarified Armendariz’s statement, insisting that “the crucifixion we had in mind was never a literal duplication of the Roman practice. Bankrupting the businesses and destroying the reputations of those we deem responsible for polluting the environment is as far as we intend to go at this time.”

Department of Labor Backs Down

The Department of Labor announced that it was withdrawing its proposed rule banning the employment of persons younger than 16 years of age on farms.

“There are many hazards in agricultural work,” observed Secretary of Labor Hilda Solis. “Dangerous machines, sharp tools, and large animals pose a threat to those working in this environment. Our aim was to protect children from being injured or worse. We had no idea that farm families routinely call upon their minor children to participate in undertaking the tasks of running the family business.”

An outpouring of opposition to the proposed new rule from the farming community was what persuaded the Department to reverse itself. “The message seems to be that engaging one’s own children in such dangerous work is both an economic necessity and a way to train the next generation to take over the business,” Solis acknowledged. “I suppose if we are going to have family-owned farms this is necessary. But given the hazards, we might want to think more seriously about restructuring the industry. It seems there would be considerable economies-of-scale from consolidating the current hodgepodge of individually owned farming units into larger collective or communal operations.”

First Family’s Lavish Vacations Defended

Since President Barack Obama assumed office the First Family has racked up a total of 17 vacations. This is nearly five times the number of excursions taken by a typical American family over that time span. Costs are also a sore point. One trip to Spain hit up taxpayers for almost $500,000.

The high costs are not really the Obamas’ fault explained First Lady Michelle. “It’s only because Barack is the President that the cost is so high,” she argued. “We are hostages to the office. Everywhere we go we have to be accompanied by an entourage of bodyguards and personal assistants. We can’t just book a commercial flight and rent a car like common people do. Get used to it—expensive travel comes with the territory.”

As for the seemingly large number of trips, Michelle pointed out that “a person is only President for eight years. We’re just trying to cram in as much as we can in this limited amount of time. We’d be fools not to take advantage of this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.”

Dem Says High Unemployment Will Help Party “Cruise to Victory”

The normal expectation would be that high unemployment would hurt the President and his fellow Democrats come the November elections. “Not so,” says Representative Chaka Fattah (D-PA). “Every person who’s unemployed or on welfare knows that it’s the Democrats who will look out for them.” Fattah asserted.

“The flaw in the GOP’s reasoning is the mistaken notion that putting more people to work is what voters want,” Fattah said. “What everyone wants is a paycheck. They’ll work for it if they have to. But getting one without being forced to work for it is the type of total freedom that the Democratic Party has stood for the last 80 years.”

“Freedom of speech and freedom of religion get a lot of publicity, but I would guess that freedom from toil is a benefit more prized by your average American,” Fattah contended. “Our Party is the one that recognizes that. Our Party is the one voters can trust to deliver it.”

In support of his case, Fattah credited Democrats for relieving 50% of the population from paying federal income taxes. “If we add the 8% who’re unemployed to the 50% who’re exempt from paying taxes I think we have the makings of a Democratic landslide next November.”

Congressman Groped by TSA Agent

Representative Francisco Canseco (R-Texas) took offense when a Transportation Security Administration (TSA) agent grabbed his penis during a “routine” pat down at the  San Antonio Airport. The Congressman’s effort to push the agent’s hand aside was characterized as “an assault” that “impeded security protocols” by Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano. Charges may be pending.

“Nothing must be allowed to interfere with our efforts to keep this nation secure from threats,” Napolitano said. “It is essential that everyone fully comply with the procedures of the TSA. Thorough searches of sensitive areas are essential. To put them off-limits would be to invite terrorists to conceal weapons there. Patriotic Americans would willingly put aside any notions of personal privacy for the sake of public safety.”

Napolitano denied that the State Department’s recent declaration that the war on terror is over should affect TSA procedures. “I’ve said many times that al-Qaeda is not the only threat we face,” Napolitano declared. “In my opinion, there are much greater threats coming from home-grown opponents of our government. As we speak, groups are organizing efforts to unseat the President. I think we must remain vigilant.”

DNC Chair Denies Need for Budget

It has been three years since Congressional Democrats have passed a budget. Annual efforts by the Republican-controlled House to get a budget enacted have been blocked by the Democrat-controlled Senate.

Democratic National Committee (DNC) Chairperson, Representative Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (Fla) insisted that “the absence of a budget isn’t the President’s fault. He’s given us two budgets in the last two years. He can’t be blamed if Republicans won’t go along.”

Neither of Obama’s two budgets received a single vote from any member of congress from either party. Wasserman-Schultz was unable to explain this total lack of support. She speculated that “I may have stepped out of the room when those votes were taken.”

“Anyway, budgets are unnecessary,” Wasserman-Schultz added. “The government has been running fine without one. Taxes continue to flow in. We’ve been able to spend more money than ever before. So why mess up a good thing?”

Wasserman-Schultz discounted the possibility that Republicans could use this as a winning campaign issue. “Voters aren’t interested in these kind of things,” she claimed. “As long as we keep them fed and amused why should they care about how we keep the books?”

Public School Bill Assailed by Union

The Nevada State Education Association took exception to proposed legislation aimed at improving public school teaching. In Nevada, teachers who complete one year on the job are granted tenure and are virtually immune from dismissal. Under the proposed bill (AB225) a teacher could be dismissed after three years of poor performance.

This new performance standard is a violation of teachers’ human rights says Lynn Warne, president of the Nevada State Education Association. “The expectation has been that once you clear that first year you have a secure job,” Warne said. “Teachers have planned their lives based on this expectation. To rip it away from them, ex post facto like this isn’t right.”

Warne also argued that the legislation is discriminatory. “Other government employees in Nevada have a similar tenure type system,” she maintained. “When a person can’t do the job they don’t get fired. The government just hires another person to take up the slack. Why do you think the number of employees has grown faster than the amount of actual services the state delivers? Unless they’re going to level this playing field it would be unfair to single out under-performing teachers.”

Ms. Warne declined to address the issue of the rights of students whose education might be damaged by poor teaching, saying “that is not my concern. I represent the teachers not the students. If students want representation they should form their own union.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens Archives

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

President Obama’s Press Secretary Jay Carney lashed out at the GOP for “politicizing the upcoming elections.” “They’re trying to exploit so-called scandals and policy failures for political gain,” Carney complained.

The scandals referenced by Carney included the sexploits of the Secret Service in Columbia and lavish parties thrown by the General Services Administration (GSA).

“These things aren’t the president’s fault,” Carney insisted. “Historically, the role of the Secret Service has been to cover up the president’s illicit sexual liaisons, not engage in their own. What would’ve happened to President Kennedy or Clinton if their bodyguards had been as self-serving as those assigned to President Obama?”

“As for the GSA, the biggest scandalous party didn’t even cost a million dollars,” Carney pointed out. “It didn’t amount to a hill of beans in a budget that’s over a trillion dollars in the red. Besides, abusing the expense account is one of the perks of the job. And let’s not forget that every dollar spent helps stimulate the economy. So is what they are doing really such a bad thing?”

“Even more absurd is the implication that there have been significant policy failures,” Carney added. “The premise that high unemployment, high gas prices, and high deficits are undesirable is mistaken. These are necessary steps on the path to the social transformation the President promised voters in 2008.”

Carney characterized the “negativity toward the President as disloyalty bordering on treason. It’s one thing to run for office. I mean, we wouldn’t have much of a democracy if there was only one candidate on the ballot. But tearing down what he’s trying to do goes beyond the pro forma requirements of the democratic process.”

In related news, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) urged the President’s critics to reconsider. “You know, the President has been so patient and respectful toward these people,” Pelosi contended. “They should remember that it is in his power to have them jailed or even killed if he deems them a threat to the government.”

Pundit Asks “Would Dumping the First African-American President Be Racist?”

MSNBC’s Chris Matthews wondered whether it would be racist for voters to oust Barack Obama from the presidency.

“When he was running in 2008 there was some speculation that not voting for him could be construed as racist,” Matthews remembered. “Then he was only a candidate with little political experience. Now, though, he has three plus years as president under his belt. He has the executive experience he lacked in 2008. And incumbents are generally reelected. If he gets bounced by someone who has no presidential experience wouldn’t that be even more racist?”

Matthews further suggested that “to judge him by white standards seems inappropriate. The whole notion that a person ought to excel or achieve—isn’t that what people of color call ‘acting white?’ Shouldn’t breaking this stereotype be one of the objectives of America’s first non-white Chief Executive? I mean, compared to other African-Americans hasn’t Obama done quite well? He’s not on drugs. He’s not in jail. He’s head-and-shoulders above his racial peers. Isn’t that a record deserving of a second term?”

Democrats Propose Constitutional Amendment

Convinced that unfettered freedom of speech is destroying our democracy, congressional Democrats are proposing that the First Amendment of the US Constitution be, itself, amended.

“As it stands right now, the Constitution says that Congress shall make no law abridging freedom of speech,” complained Representative Jim McGovern (D-Mass), co-sponsor of the proposed amendment. “Well, we want to make a law, we need to make a law that puts clamps on unwarranted criticism of the government.”

The proposed amendment is seen as necessary to protect the pending DISCLOSE Act from possibly being overturned by the Supreme Court. This Act would require that anyone criticizing the government be compelled to identify themselves. “Too many people think they should be able to anonymously contradict, ridicule, or otherwise contest the official policies of the government,” said amendment co-sponsor Representative Donna Edwards (D-Md). “This type of cowardly attack on authority is not what our nation’s founders envisioned.”

The proposed amendment would strike the total ban on Congressional suppression of free speech and replace it with a conditional one granting Congress the power to abridge speech “when deemed necessary.”

Governor Says Polygamist Past May Hamper Romney Presidential Bid

Montana Governor Brian Schweitzer (D) says that the fact that Mitt Romney’s father was the son of a polygamist may cause voters to question his suitability to be president.

“It’s my impression that polygamy might not be too popular with women voters,” Schweitzer mused. “Do they really want to put a man who’s only two generations removed from that abhorrent practice in the White House?”

Schweitzer dismissed the fact that President Barack Obama, Jr’s namesake—Barack Obama, Sr.—was also the son of a polygamist, calling it “irrelevant.” “Look, Obama’s father isn’t known for certain,” Schweitzer argued. “No one’s seen a genuine birth certificate. So, there’s no proof that the Obama from Kenya after whom he’s named is his actual father. And even if he is, he was the product of a much more primitive culture. So, it would be unfair to hold President Obama to the same standards we might apply to his opponents.”

Gains for Leisure Class May Boost Obama Reelection Chances

A record 5.4 million former workers and their dependents have signed up to receive federal disability payments since Obama took office. At 6% of the potential workforce now, the ratio of persons on disability has more than doubled since the Reagan Administration. Add this to the 70% increase in the number of persons getting food stamps since 2007 and it is clear that the 2008 election of Barack Obama may be ushering in some transformative changes in the way Americans live.

“The notion that people want to work is the flaw in Republican thinking,” said Obama adviser David Axelrod. “Work is a disutility. People only put up with it under the belief that it is necessary in order to live. But what if we can change that belief? The strides that the President and Congress have made toward liberating a growing portion of our population from the drudgery of slaving for a living ought to be reflected in how people vote.”

Axelrod acknowledged that “we can never liberate 100% of the population from the burdens of labor, but the closer we can get to that figure the better off we’ll be as a society. Freed of the daily grind imposed upon them by corporate taskmasters, more and more Americans will be able to reach a higher plane of self-actualization.”

President Weighing Pardon

President Obama is said to be weighing whether to pardon Amanda Clayton. Clayton was recently arrested for continuing to accept federal assistance after she won a million dollars in the Michigan state lottery.

Michigan Attorney General Bill Schuette argued that “it should be common sense that if you’ve got a million dollars you aren’t entitled to welfare. Welfare is for people who are poor.”

The president is said to consider Schuette’s actions discriminatory. “If Warren Buffett won the lottery he wouldn’t be expected to forfeit his other income,” Obama observed. “Rich as he is, he would be allowed to keep both. Why then, shouldn’t Miss Clayton be allowed to keep her other source of income?”

First Lady Touts Husband’s God-Like Quality

Searching for a persuasive theme for President Obama’s reelection campaign hasn’t been easy. First Lady Michelle Obama described her difficult quest for “a meaningful way to convey the message that we must reelect my husband as president.”

“I was listening to this radio show where a caller was asking Ted Nugent if he would be supporting my husband’s reelection,” Michelle recalled. “When I heard him say ‘Jesus Christ, Obama?’ I knew we had our strategy.”

“Think about it,” Michelle urged. “My husband has brought this country out of the dark and into the light. Isn’t that what Jesus would do? How could any good person vote against that?”

In related news, it was revealed that Mrs Obama had listed her two daughters Malia (aged 13) and Sasha (aged 10) as “senior staffers” on a $400,000 trip to South Africa and Botswana. Michelle explained, “In the sense that they are part of the First Family they are, in effect, ‘senior’ to everyone else in America. So, no, I don’t think that it was misleading of me to use that designation for the trip.”

The First Lady also dismissed critics’ complaints about the cost of the trip “In the eyes of the world, we are America,” Michelle maintained. “So, everything America has is rightfully ours to do with as we please. In this context, the $400,000 was far less than we could’ve spent. We are not getting credit for the remarkable restraint we are exercising considering.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens Archives

Additional Reading:

Grijalva, Pastor Vote for ‘Death Panel’

Planned Parenthood Sued for Cheating Taxpayers, Defrauding Government

Congressional Poll: Schweikert vs. Quayle

Arizona Congressional Poll

Democrats Tell of Obama Fraud, Strong-Arming Tactics, Rule Breaking

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) says she is confident she will regain the gavel when Democrats sweep the November elections.

“Just looking at the top of the ticket has to give every Democrat a sense of optimism,” Pelosi crowed. “On the GOP side we have Mitt Romney—a man who virtually imprisoned his own wife, kept her from seeking gainful employment and used her to breed five children—all sons, mind you. Are women going to vote for this kind of misogynist or are they going to appreciate that before he was president Senator Obama helped his wife get a $300,000 no-show job in addition to gifting her with two lovely daughters?”

“If the comparative life stories of the presidential candidates don’t sway female voters the policy differences ought to,” Pelosi argued. “Democrats have a long record of championing women’s rights. Republicans tout marriage and family as the foundation of our social structure. Democrats have freed women from this trap by ensuring that they can still have children without having to marry a man, that the financial support they need is there for the taking from the generosity of the government.”

“Free food, clothing, and shelter isn’t all we Democrats have given to women,” Pelosi went on. “Thanks to Secretary Sebelius, the government has now mandated free birth control for every woman. And President Obama has appointed two women to the Supreme Court. No other president has done that.”

Pelosi admitted to being buoyed by polls showing that Democrats are favored by 65% of female voters. “The path to government of, by, and for women is clear,” Pelosi said. “Voting for President Obama is a no-brainer. However, he can’t do it alone. We need Democratic majorities in Congress to ensure this transformation won’t be blocked. If women unite to vote their interests the Democratic Party will be running things from here on.”

In related news, according to official records, women on the White House staff are paid 18% less than men. This is okay, though, according to White House Chief of Staff Jack Lew because “most of the men have more years of experience. There’s also the issue of job performance. You can’t just make a gender to gender comparison and conclude that somebody’s getting unfair treatment.”

Ironically, the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Restoration Act passed by a Democratic majority Congress in 2009 requires exactly that comparison and conclusion. Whether this Act will be enforced in this instance is unknown.

Heroic Effort Saves Plant

Over $200,000 in federal stimulus funds were used to relocate one manzanita bush from a highway median in San Francisco. This feat was undertaken even though the normal practice is simply to bulldoze unwanted vegetation in the path of roadway expansion.

“Every life is precious,” explained Representative Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) in whose district the expenditure was made. “Just because the same plant can be bought from a commercial nursery for under $20 doesn’t mean we should wantonly kill one merely because it is unwanted. Luckily, we were able to find it an adoptive home.”

The plant’s new home will be somewhere in San Francisco’s Presidio. It’s precise location is being kept secret to prevent gawkers who want to see the $200,000 bush from possibly trampling it to death.

While some may perceive that this escapade is another in a long list of wasteful government expenditures, Pelosi pointed out that “the $200,000 in spending helped support employment in my district, which is exactly what the stimulus bill was supposed to do.”

Abortion Lobby Assails Movie

The NARAL Pro-Choice America organization lashed out at the film “October Baby” for its message and methods.

“Movie-goers need to be aware that this film is out-of-step with mainstream America,” NARAL spokesperson Adora Slaughter contended. “It implies that carrying a baby to term is THE right choice. It conceals the fact that one-in-four pregnancies is terminated by abortion. The notion that one-in-four women might be making the wrong choice flies in the face of Secretary Sebelius’ determination that women have the right to make this choice and that insurers must cover it regardless of any psuedo conscientious objections.”

“On top of the film’s heavy-handed propaganda, the producers are donating a portion of the profits to fund crisis pregnancy centers,” Slaughter added. “Cleverly named so as to attract those whose pregnancies pose a problem, rather than helping these women dispose of the problem, these crisis centers seek to divert women’s choices toward the pro-life option.”

“So, here we have an unbalanced, one-sided message in the film that portrays the choice not to abort as somehow morally superior to a decision to terminate a pregnancy—despite the fact that protecting a woman’s right to choose has been the law of the land for nearly 40 years,” Slaughter complained. “Then the proceeds from ticket sales are dishonestly compounding the offense by covertly financing a point of view with which many theater patrons may disagree.”

NYC Mayor Says Common People Unqualified to Defend Selves

Using the Trayvon Martin shooting as a springboard, New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg renewed his push for stronger gun control laws.

“If we learn nothing else from this tragedy we should at least come to grips with the fact that the average American cannot be trusted with firearms,” Bloomberg asserted. “I mean, if George Zimmerman weren’t carrying a gun would he have had the nerve to serve in the neighborhood watch? Probably not. But even if he did, isn’t it likely he would’ve kept his distance from a person he described as ‘suspicious?’”

As Bloomberg sees it, “we need to replace the antiquated and barbaric concept of ‘self-defense’ with a more civilized approach. Weapons should be restricted to trained professionals. If only the police had guns there’d be a lot fewer unwarranted shootings. Trayvon would still be alive and so probably would Zimmerman, albeit, perhaps a bit more battered and bloodied. After all, it’s not so easy to beat a person to death.”

Bloomberg dismissed charges of hypocrisy—he himself is accompanied by armed bodyguards wherever he goes—as “off target.” “I’m not saying that people don’t need protection,” Bloomberg said. “That’s what the police are for. If a person thinks he needs more protection than the police can provide he should be free to hire qualified professionals, as I have done for occasions when I’m not traveling with the bodyguards supplied by the City.”

In related news, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney said that President Obama will not be making further comments on the Trayvon Martin case. “The President has already made his views known,” Carney told reporters. “Now it is up to the Florida authorities to see to it that Zimmerman is appropriately punished. Attorney General Holder will be monitoring events to ensure that this happens.”

President and Billionaire Agree on Taxes

Both President Barack Obama and billionaire investor Warren Buffett agree that they both ought to be taxed more. Both currently have the option of paying more than they owe. However, both decline to do so.

“While it’s true that I, or any other taxpayer, for that matter, could voluntarily contribute more of his or her income to the government, that’s not the point,” the President insisted. “Voluntary contributions leave the discretion up to the individual. Whether a person paid more would be a matter of personal choice.”

“What I am trying to establish is the principle under law that certain people must be made to pay more,” Obama continued. “If Warren and I were to voluntarily fork over more money it would dilute the political pressure in support of a higher tax rate. If people see that rich guys willingly give more they may feel less enthusiastic about the need to force them to pay more.”

“When you come right down to it, we are fighting the misconception that whatever money a person may have is his to do with as he pleases,” the President added. “We are trying to build a new America where the good of the whole supersedes the interests of anarchic individualism. The notion that what one gives to society is optional contradicts our mission of transformation.”

Ease of Vote Fraud Fails to Faze Attorney General

Project Veritas’ demonstration of how easy it is to vote in someone else’s name failed to inspire concern at the Attorney General’s office. The demonstration involved sending a scruffy, young, white man to 61-year-old Eric Holder’s polling place to see if poll workers would give him Holder’s presidential primary ballot. Despite the young man’s lack of photo ID he was offered the ballot.

Holder called the demonstration “a stunt that doesn’t prove anything. No fraudulent vote was cast. The only harm that was done was to people’s confidence in the integrity of the ballot. Maintaining this confidence is the key to preserving civil order. If too many people start to doubt the legitimacy of elections we’re in for real trouble. Fortunately, Project Veritas has very little credibility with the reputable media.”

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Democrats Tell of Obama Fraud, Strong-Arming Tactics, Rule Breaking

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

In an effort to try to nudge the Supreme Court toward a favorable decision on his signature legislative accomplishment, President Obama argued that overturning the Affordable Care Act would be “unprecedented.”

“Both Congress and the Executive have already assessed the constitutionality of this law,” Obama asserted. “We wouldn’t have approved it if it were unconstitutional.”

The president said that “the fact that two branches of the government have already come down on the side of the law’s constitutionality should be enough. Frankly, I’m surprised that the Court is even bothering to take up the issue. In a best-out-of-three play-off they don’t play the third game if one side has won the first two. In fact, to have a situation where one branch can overrule the other two would be unprecedented.”

Obama discounted the Republicans’ citation of 150 previous instances in which the Court had overruled Acts of Congress. “Those were all before the Roosevelt era when the Court finally realized that its attempts to limit the power of the government to act for the general welfare were mistaken,” he said. “Since that time the practice has been for the Court to defer to the other branches except in cases like Roe vs. Wade where the other branches have failed to enact the appropriate laws.”

In related news, Attorney General Eric Holder acknowledged that “We’ve become accustomed to letting the Court have the last word on the Constitutionality of our laws. However, there is no language in the Constitution that expressly grants the Court the authority to negate an Act of Congress. Neither is there any language requiring the Executive to abide by what the Court says. So, an unfavorable ruling doesn’t mean ‘game over.’”

President Illuminates Philosophies of Government

Gearing up for what promises to be a difficult campaign, President Obama laid into his critics saying “they want you to be on your own.” He contrasted this “social darwinism” approach to his “on us” philosophy.

“The idea that Americans want to be left alone to pursue happiness on their own is clearly out-of-step with the way most Americans think,” Obama maintained. “People only go to work because they have to, not because they want to. When they’re on the job they’re watching the clock waiting for the workday to end. They look forward to the weekend, not the workweek. So my opponents’ promise of more opportunity to earn a good life through hard work misses the boat.”

The president pointed to statistics indicating that the percentage of adults in the US workforce is the lowest it has been in decades as evidence that “the difficult transition to a leisure-based society is making headway. Under my leadership millions have been able to drop out of the workforce. These people now have more time to spend with their families, enjoy hobbies, watch TV, or do the many things they previously had to forgo because they had to get to a job and punch a time clock. ” “The choice for voters this Fall will be whether they want to continue on the path I’ve laid out over the last three years or whether they want to turn back toward the dismal life of toil that my opponents offer,” Obama said. “The GOP says ‘you’re on your own.’ The Democratic Party says why struggle to pursue happiness. Let it be ‘on us.’ I’m confident that only a fool would choose to pay his own way when he could vote to live off another.”

Treasury Says Deficits Mustn’t Be Allowed to Slow Spending

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner argued against letting fears of ballooning federal government deficits interfere with increased government spending.

“The federal government’s debt and deficit are no big deal,” Geithner insisted. “It’s not like personal or corporate debt or fiscal shortfalls. It can be canceled at any time. Look, the government makes the laws. It can easily make a law absolving itself from the responsibility to repay borrowed money if it has to.”

Geithner hastened to clarify that he was “not advocating such a law at this time, but the power is there if we need it. I don’t think we will need it because the Federal Reserve has the authority to create as much money as it wants to. We owe $16 trillion. The Fed can create $16 trillion—problem solved.”

A bigger worry as Geithner sees it is that “government won’t have sufficient funds to invest if we don’t provide more stimulus spending. A key to sustaining support for the Administration is a generous supply of cash to distribute ahead of the November balloting. As Franklin Roosevelt demonstrated in winning three reelection campaigns, getting money into the right hands helps secure the votes the incumbent needs to retain his office.”

Left-wing economist Paul Krugman backed Geithner’s stance saying that “maintaining the flow of cash from the government is crucial. Congress should appropriate the funds and not worry about where the money will come from. In turn, the Fed should create as much new money as is needed to fund these outlays and not concern itself with the inflationary consequences. In fact, inflation works to the government’s benefit by allowing it to repay debt with cheaper dollars.”

Obama Critiques Media Bias

President Obama told journalists that their effort to give both sides of a story conveys unwarranted credibility to his opponents.

“Reporters may think it’s fair or balanced to juxtapose contending views on controversial issues,” the President lectured. “This creates an impression that there might be merit on both sides. But must wrong be given a platform to contend with right? Must sin be given a voice to counterbalance virtue?”

The president urged media representatives to “not shy away from your duty to report the truth nor dilute it with a dollop of lies just to attain an appearance of unbiased treatment. Truth should be allowed to stand on its own.”

“The fact of the matter is, if they were alive today both Roosevelt and Reagan would be supporting my reelection,” Obama contended. “I am the perfect blend of FDR’s compassion for the forgotten man and Reagan’s optimism for the future. This is what journalists should be writing in their coverage of the campaign.”

New Jobless Claims Understated 56 of Last 57 Weeks

Given the difficulty of estimating economic data it is common practice for government agencies to announce a preliminary number subject to later revision. Under the law of averages, estimates should balance out between being higher or lower than later revisions. Amazingly, though, the Obama Department of Labor’s preliminary estimates of new jobless claims have been lower than later revisions in 56 of the last 57 weeks. The odds of this happening by chance are infinitesimal.

This oddity was explained by Labor Secretary Hilda Solis. “We feel it is better to err on the side of optimism,” she said. “The preliminary estimate is widely reported. The subsequent revisions are rarely noticed. By adding a bit of sheen to the preliminary estimate we feel we are helping to boost morale. We believe that good morale is an important building block for positive change.”

“Making the economy look better will make people feel better,” Solis went on. “If people feel better they are more likely to support the policies of the Administration, which we feel is crucial if we are to be given the opportunity to continue on the path laid out by the President for another four years.”

Democrats Deride Ryan Budget

Wisconsin’s Republican Representative Paul Ryan’s efforts to put the federal government budget on a track to balance in the next decade was widely criticized by Democrats.

“This budget is not a statement of our national values,” said Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif). “It represents a bleak future for America,” said Minority Whip Steny Hoyer (D-Md). “It is antithetical to our entire history,” said President Obama.

Statistical analysis reveals that Ryan’s budget spends 46% more in inflation-adjusted dollars than Democratic President Bill Clinton’s last budget. It also would put federal spending at 22.2% of gross domestic output vs. the Clinton budget’s 18.2%.

Unfazed, Pelosi pointed out that “Ryan’s budget still would deny the federal government access to nearly 78% of the nation’s wealth. Too much of our resources would be left in private hands. It’s just another cynical ploy  aimed at blocking the President’s program of hope and change.”

Hoyer seconded Pelosi’s lament alleging that “It would starve the government of the funds it needs to transform our society. In many European countries the government’s share of the output is well over 50%. Under Ryan’s plan we wouldn’t even reach half that amount.”

“America has been on a march from selfish individualism toward collective solidarity for over 200 years,” Obama contended. “I have set steps in motion that would serve to accelerate the pace of this march. In this regard, Ryan’s proposal that we slow down would needlessly condemn yet another generation to alienating individualism. I say the suffering has already gone on way too long.”

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Democrats Tell of Obama Fraud, Strong-Arming Tactics, Rule Breaking

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

In what President Obama believed to be an “off-the-record” exchange, he was overheard requesting “space” from the Russians until after the November election when he would have more “flexibility.” This would-be covert conversation has raised suspicions about his intended defense policies for a prospective second term.

“Doing the right thing and doing the popular thing are not always one-and-the-same,” Obama explained. “I want to be able to do what’s right. But it will be of no avail if I’m not reelected. All I was asking of the Russians was to lay low for the next eight months to let me get this last election out of the way. There’ll be plenty of time after that to iron out the details of the relationship between our two countries.”

The Russians have been pressing for an abandonment of the United States’ missile defense system. They view this system as a threat to their nation’s security. “We have no similar capability,” Russian President Dmitry Medvedev complained. “All we are asking is for a more balanced equation. Exposure to mutual annihilation would provide that balance.”

President Obama is reportedly hoping to make the risk of mutual annihilation disappear by eliminating nuclear weapons. “For too long, nuclear weapons have held humanity hostage,” Obama said. “If we take them out of the mix others will not have to arm themselves with them as a defense against American imperialism. The world could be restored to the less threatening environment that prevailed before the first nuclear bomb was dropped.”

“Rather than make these complicated issues part of the debate in the run up to November, I’m asking that they be put aside,” Obama requested. “I think I’ve done enough to have earned the American people’s trust on defense and foreign policy. Remember, I was the one who killed bin-Laden. None of my potential opponents has done anything as impressive in the way of demonstrating their bonafides.”

In related news, the Russian newspaper Pravda endorsed President Obama’s reelection.

Kagan Confident Violation Won’t Get Her in Trouble

Supreme Court JusticeElenaKagan brushed off accusations that her participation in the Court’s hearing on Obamacare violates the law. Section 455(b)(3) of Title 28 of the U.S. Code requires judges to disqualify themselves from hearing cases when they have “served in governmental employment and in such capacity participated as counsel, adviser, or material witness concerning the proceeding or expressed an opinion concerning the merits of the particular case or controversy.” As Solicitor General, Kagan served in such a role.

“The most important job for a judge is to mete out justice,” Kagan asserted. “Mere parchment—whether it be a  Constitution or a statute—cannot be allowed to infringe upon this solemn duty. Ensuring that everyone has health care epitomizes the President’s quest for justice. I will do everything I can to aid this quest.”

“Besides, whether a person is brought up on charges for an alleged violation of the law is at the prosecutor’s discretion,” Kagan added. “Does anyone seriously believe that Attorney General Holder would press charges against me for seeking to defend the health care law from its right-wing assailants? The two of us worked long and hard to craft the Administration’s legal defense of the law. We’re on the same team.”

Kagan rounded out her case for self-confidence saying “if by some freak occurrence I were to be impeached and convicted, is there any doubt that I would be pardoned by President Obama? I assure you, I’m not worried.”

In related news, Kagan dismissed Obamacare opponents’ argument that the law is coercive. “Since when is forcing people to buy something that’s good for them ‘coercive?’” she asked Plaintiff attorney Paul Clement. “Didn’t your mother ever force you to eat your vegetables? Would you call that coercive? Or was she just looking out for your well-being? Isn’t that what the government is doing here?”

Pelosi Says There Are Other Options in Trayvon Martin Death

Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) said she is weighing “other options” in the event that Florida officials are unsuccessful in punishing George Zimmerman for shooting Trayvon Martin.

Martin was killed by neighborhood watch volunteer Zimmerman February 26. Though all the facts are not yet publicly known, demands that Zimmerman be charged with murder have been gaining momentum in certain circles. The New Black Panther Party has posted a $10,000 reward for Zimmerman’s capture and is in the process of organizing a 5,000-man posse to undertake the effort. Celebrities Spike Lee and Roseanne Barr have “tweeted” address information for different Zimmermans residing in Florida. Representative Bobby Rush (D-Ill) wore a “hoodie” sweatshirt on the floor of the House.

“If these efforts to secure justice for Trayvon don’t succeed we will have to look at what we can do to make things right,” Pelosi vowed. One of the measures Pelosi says she’s looking into is “the possibility that Congress could pass a bill declaring Zimmerman guilty and impose a reasonable penalty. Or maybe the President can declare him an enemy and have him taken out by one of those drone thingies. But the bottom line is we can’t abide racist local officials condoning the murder of a Black youth.”

In related news, Pelosi called Rush’s hoodie demonstration “the most heroic act I’ve ever witnessed.”

Democrats Press for Efforts to Combat Campaign Slander

A group of 30 Democrats called for President Obama to use an upcoming Congressional recess as an opportunity to appoint five new Federal Election Commissioners. The appointments are deemed essential to blunt the impact of the Supreme Court’s ruling in the Citizens United case.

“As it stands now, anyone can say anything he wants about any candidate without fear of repercussion,” said Minority Chief Deputy Whip Peter Welch (D-Vt). “The FEC as it is now constituted is unable to properly regulate what may be said during the very important campaign ahead. By making recess appointments the President can staff the FEC with people we can trust to put the clamps on unwarranted criticisms of the Administration’s policies and prevent voters from being misled by right-wing propaganda.”

In addition to making the requested recess appointments, the group urged the IRS to “launch investigations of all 501(c)(4) groups affiliated with super-PACs that are attacking the President or other members of the Democratic Party under the guise of so-called freedom of speech.”

“The Government must use every tool at its disposal to defend itself from those who would undermine its authority,” Welch argued. “If people know that the IRS will be on their case if they try to bring down the Government I think we’ll see them exercise more discretion in what they say or do.”

Treasury Secretary Blames Congress for Economy, Excuses Obama

The Obama Administration’s Secretary of the Treasury Timothy Geithner upheld his boss’ mantra that others are to blame for the current sorry state of the economy.

“Really, it was the guys who were in office prior to President Obama’s ascendance that are responsible,” Geithner maintained. “If any fingers are to be pointed there’s where we should look.”

When he was reminded that Obama was a member of Congress during that period, Geithner acknowledged that “some may try this ploy to shift blame to him, but the fact is, he was hardly ever present for any of the deliberations or votes in the two years he nominally served as a senator. If you’ll recall, he spent the bulk of his time campaigning for the presidency. To be fair, you have to admit his hands are clean.”

Key Democrats Warn Supreme Court on Obamacare

A handful of senate Democrats warned the Supreme Court not to overturn the Affordable Care Act—more widely known as Obamacare.

“The court commands no armies, it has no money; it depends for its power on its credibility,” Senator Richard Blumenthal (D-Conn) said. “The President is Commander-in-Chief of the most powerful army in the world. Congress has control over  more spending than any other entity in the world. The Justices need to consider whether they want to lock horns with these other branches of government.”

Senator John Kerry (D-Mass) took issue with contentions that the 2700-page health care law hasn’t been properly vetted. “I admit I didn’t have time to read it before I voted for it,” Kerry said. “But I was assured by Solicitor General Kagan that the bill was Constitutional. I’m sure that now she is on the Supreme Court she will uphold the law’s validity.”

“And let’s not forget that there have been more than 30 lower court decisions upholding the health care law,” Kerry added. “Let’s face it, the President conceived it. Congress passed it. The people want it. And fellow judges have upheld it. Do the members of the Supreme Court really want to swim against this tide?”

The possibility that President Obama might just ignore an unfavorable Court ruling cannot be discarded. “It wouldn’t be the first time something like that has happened,” Press Secretary Jay Carney observed. “President Jackson set the precedent for it back in 1832. President Obama will enforce the laws as he sees fit. The Justices should keep that in mind as they mull over their decision.”

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By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) confidently predicted that the US Supreme Court will rule that the President’s health care law is Constitutional.

“The proof is right there in the Constitution itself where it promises that the government will provide for the people’s rights to life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness,” Pelosi said. “By making sure everyone buys health insurance the law is protecting their lives. By requiring that employers cover birth control costs the law is liberating people from the risks of unwanted pregnancies. And as for pursuit of happiness—isn’t that what those who need birth control are doing?”

To further bolster her case, the former House Speaker contended that “the nation’s founding fathers would’ve written explicit health care legislation into the Constitution if insurance had been invented before they wrote it. Thomas Jefferson, the document’s primary author, could’ve benefited by avoiding the embarrassment of fathering all those children with his slave if he had had access to the kind of birth control drugs and devices now covered by the mandate issued by Secretary Sebelius.”

On top of her historical argument, Pelosi suggested that “the potential political fall-out from making martyrs of women like Sandra Fluke should give the Justices pause. Do they really want to be the ones who say ‘no the government won’t make your employer pay for your birth control?’ The men on the Court would be crucified by the media as misogynistic troglodytes if they did. So, I’m not too worried about how they’ll decide this issue.”

In related news, Representative Jan Schakowsky (D-Ill) reassured critics that the Obamacare edict requiring colleges to provide free sterilization to students “does not mean that we are promoting sterilization. While there are many cogent reasons for doing so—to reduce the human imprint on the environment, for one—there is no intent to make this mandatory at this time.”

President’s Tax Plan Targets Rich

Labeling Wisconsin Republican Representative Paul Ryan’s budget proposal “a disaster for the middle class,” President Obama offered a plan that “will make the rich pay their fair share.”

“It’s time for those who have a job, a car, a roof over their heads, and food on the table to step up and bear a bigger share of the costs of providing for those who don’t,” the President told a crowd of supporters at a campaign speech in Washington. “Those who have more than they need to live have an obligation to care for their fellow human beings. My plan helps the more fortunate to comply with this responsibility.”

The President’s plan was hailed by DC resident Jawana Johnson. “Those rich people don’t know what it’s like in the real world,” she contended. “I got four kids. One’s dad got shot last year. Another’s is in jail. The father of my youngest two only comes around to sponge off my welfare check. What’ve those rich people done to help me? I’m glad we have a President who’s taking it to them. Maybe I’ll finally get what’s mine.”

Under the President’s plan, an estimated 16% of households would end up with lower tax bills. The richest 84% would see higher levies. The 16% of households qualifying for lower taxes roughly matches the 15% of households currently living in poverty.

VP Lauds Obama’s Audacious Killing of bin-Laden

Vice-President Joe Biden praised the killing of Osama bin-Laden, calling it “the most audacious plan of the past 500 years.”

Asked about other possible contenders for “most audacious plan”–the D-Day invasion of Normandy during WWII or Washington’s Christmas Day attack on Hessian troops in 1776—Biden replied “no contest.”

“The raid that killed bin-Laden was carried out without any casualties for our side,” Biden pointed out. “The same can’t be said for any other action taken by any other president. Let’s not forget that Allied Forces had 10,000 casualties on D-Day and 2500 men were killed. That’s a bit of a blemish on that accomplishment.”

“Bin-Laden was hiding,” Biden said. “No one knew for sure where he was. Normandy was an obvious target. Everyone knew the Nazis were there. And don’t get me started about the Hessians. They were drunk from throwing a loud Christmas party. Finding them and whipping them was a cinch.”

“Taking out bin-Laden was televised to the White House,” Biden recalled. “President Obama was virtually there with the Seals as the mission unfolded. Roosevelt played a more remote part in the D-Day event. And Washington wasn’t even president when he led the Christmas raid.”

“Finally, the level of risk was incomparable,” Biden asserted. “Even if D-Day had turned into a disaster it wouldn’t have been Roosevelt’s first. Anyone remember Pearl Harbor? And Washington had a pretty mediocre war record prior to that raid. In short, neither one of them was putting a perfect record on the line. No, the reward for guts clearly has to go to President Obama. I think voters will see that and reelect him in November.”

Executive Order Authorizing Martial Law Called “Routine”

Last weekend’s issuance of an Executive Order giving the President the option of declaring an emergency and taking control over all food, energy, water, transportation and any other materials was described as “routine” by Presidential Press Secretary Jay Carney.

“The President has obligations to the American people,” Carney observed. “He would like the cooperation of Congress in his efforts to fulfill these obligations. But as we have seen, there are many in Congress who have labored to obstruct these efforts. The President needs to have latitude to act.”

“It would be best for members of Congress to consider this Executive Order as a kind of ‘heads up,’” Carney added. “There are reforms that the President has said on numerous occasions can’t wait. I assure you, he’s serious. Congress can participate as partners in shaping these reforms or they can be bypassed. It’s their choice.”

Obama Deflects Solyndra Fiasco Blame

President Obama went on the offensive against criticism of his “green” energy approach.

“There are some who would have the American people believe that the failure of the Solyndra Corporation is somehow my fault,” Obama said. “At best, it is a shared responsibility. True, the idea that we should promote clean energy was mine. Blame me for wanting to save the planet.”

“But it was Congress that appropriated the money,” Obama continued. “Without this appropriation my Department of Energy would not have had and money to hand out to firms like Solyndra. Blame Congress for enabling my Administration to climb out on a limb that got sawed off by a bad economy—an economy, I might remind everyone, that we inherited from George Bush.”

“At the same time they appropriated funding for the production of green energy products Congress neglected to mandate their purchase,” the President pointed out. “This oversight is all the more puzzling considering that they did not overlook mandating the purchase of health insurance when they passed the Affordable Care Act. Blame Congress for leaving a job half done.”

“Of course, consumers have done less than they could have to make green energy work,” Obama concluded. “Even though Congress hasn’t yet mandated the purchase of green products, consumers can still voluntarily buy them. Unfortunately, too many of them are selfishly concerned with a product’s cost or performance to make the kind of sacrifices we need to make for the sake of the environment. So, blame human greed, I guess.”

The Solyndra firm received over $500 million in government loans to subsidize its production of solar panels. Solyndra has since filed for bankruptcy and there is little prospect that any of this money will be paid back. Luckily, bonuses were able to be paid out to Solyndra’s management before the funds ran out.

Egypt Declares Israel “Number One Enemy”

The success of Egypt’s “Arab Spring” rolled on to yet another triumph as that country’s parliament renounced the possibility that it could ever be an ally of Israel. Instead, Israel was declared Egypt’s “number one enemy.” Following this development, President Obama announced the restoration of US military aid to Egypt.

“Israel is a very powerful country in that region,” Obama explained. “If Egypt is to have any chance against them it is imperative that we extend as much military assistance as we can.”

The President acknowledged that his decision “probably won’t go over well with some of Israel’s more strident advocates in Congress,” but urged “cooler heads” to “weigh the global math that argues for improved relations with Israel’s enemies.” “There are maybe 15 million Jews in the world,” Obama estimated. “There are one-and-a-half billion Muslims. Muslims out number Jews by 100 to one. Which side of this see-saw should we be on?”

Concern for public safety was another factor cited by the President. “The aid placates hostility among a very volatile segment,” he warned. “On the other hand, there is no need for us to fear potential Jewish suicide bombers. On balance, I think the majority of Americans are well served by this decision.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

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Additional Reading:

Planned Parenthood Sued for Cheating Taxpayers, Defrauding Government

Congressional Poll: Schweikert vs. Quayle

Sheriff Babeu Refuses Question about Same-Sex ‘Marriage’

Schweikert Would Make an Excellent U.S. Senator

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

While both Rush Limbaugh and HBO’s Bill Maher have used offensive language against women whose political views they oppose, Representative Shelley Berkely (D-Nev) attempted to explain why she feels one should be banned and the other not.

“First of all, there is the issue of impact,” Berkely said. “Limbaugh’s audience numbers in the millions. Maher, on the other hand, has maybe a few thousand fans. Since so few people have actually heard what Maher has said, his remarks are more along the lines of a private conversation. I mean, why ban someone that hardly anyone is listening to?”

“Second, is the issue of truth,” Berkely observed. “Limbaugh’s assertion that Sandra Fluke was a prostitute was unsubstantiated by any facts. In fact, he was forced to apologize. Inasmuch as Sarah Palin is a woman, Maher calling her a ‘c*nt’ is technically correct. There is a big difference between using the public airways to make false statements and merely speaking the truth, albeit in crude terms.”

For his part, Maher defended his denigration of Palin pointing out that “not one person ever registered disapproval of what I said about her. In fact, I haven’t heard a peep even from Sarah Palin. I think that this shows that deep down, she knows I’ve got her pegged.”

Maher further justified his line about Palin on the grounds that “it gets the biggest laughs of anything in my act. That right there is proof I’ve hit comedy ‘gold.’ As long as people pay me for what I say I’m going to continue to mine that mother lode of comedic genius.”

That Maher has donated $1 million to President Obama’s reelection campaign was deemed an ameliorating factor in Representative Berkely’s eyes. “At least we know his heart’s in the right place, even if his mouth is a little dirty,” she said. “If Limbaugh were to make a similar donation I might be willing to cut him some slack. But he’s working hard to bring down our President. We need to stop him any way we can.”

In related news, former White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel says Mitt Romney is in danger of losing Democrats’ support in his bid for the GOP presidential nomination. “Mr. Romney’s refusal to take a strong stand against Rush Limbaugh’s outrageous slurs of Sandra Fluke raises questions about his fitness,” Emanuel complained. “He had an opportunity to differentiate himself from the common sludge of the Republican Party, but he blew it. His long coveted chance to respectfully lose to President Obama in this Fall’s election may be the price he’ll have to pay if Democrats stop voting for him in the GOP’s open primary states.”

Attorney General Explains His Opposition to Voter ID Laws

Obama’s Attorney General Eric Holder continued his battle to prevent states from requiring voters to show photo identification before they are permitted to cast ballots.

That the US Supreme Court has already held that voter ID laws are Constitutional makes no difference says the AG. “I don’t need some court to tell me what’s right and what’s wrong,” Holder exclaimed. “It’s something everyone who’s grown up Black just knows by instinct.”

Holder made short shrift of arguments based on the ubiquity of requests to show photo IDs in order to buy beer, enter a public building, rent a movie, board a plane, open a bank account, or check into a motel. “None of those activities are fundamental to the functioning of our democracy,” Holder argued. “The possibility that someone might be denied the privilege of partaking in them is not a threat to our way of life.”

“Voting, on the other hand, is an essential right,” Holder continued. “It is not contingent upon a requirement that voters must identify themselves. Voters may have valid reasons for not wanting to be identified. Maybe there are warrants out. Maybe he’s behind in child support payments. Maybe he lacks documentation of his citizenship. None of these deficiencies cancel a person’s human right to vote for who will rule over him. So, I cannot standby and allow any state or any court to infringe upon anyone’s right to vote.”

Healthcare Mandate Decision Final Says White House

Press Secretary Jay Carney advised those critical of the Administration’s decision to make insurers cover birth control devices and drugs to “give it a rest.”

“Look, the President is sorry that some consider this action to be insensitive to their personal or religious beliefs,” Carney said. “But they certainly cannot expect him to subjugate his policy aims to these beliefs.”

Carney suggested that critics “may want to reexamine the issue. Does the Bible explicitly prohibit birth control, or for that matter, abortion? I don’t recall ever having read that Jesus gave any commandments on these matters. I think His wish was for us to love our neighbors. He didn’t say not to use measures to prevent or terminate unwanted pregnancies that might result from this neighborly love.”

Barring a reexamination of faith, Carney conceded that “those who are truly opposed to the President’s mandate have the option of trying to overturn it by electing someone else in November. Surely this is a less frightening task than the martyrdom endured by the earliest Christians. So, please, no more whining.”

Secret Service Granted Broad Censorship Authority

The Federal Restricted Buildings and Grounds Improvement Act of 2011 signed into law last week by President Obama allows the Secret Service to determine what kind of speech may be permitted in proximity to the President and other government officials qualified for Secret Service protection.

“Most people are probably familiar with our role as protectors of the President against would-be assassins,” said Secret Service spokesman Elroy Hood. “But assassins aren’t the only ones who pose a threat. Vocal opponents damage the image the government is trying to project and can undermine its authority every bit as much as an attempt on the President’s life.”

Hood hastened to point out that “not all speech is prohibited. Demonstrations in support of the government help advance the President’s agenda. We don’t want to discourage that.”

To be on the safe side, those wishing to avoid arrest are advised to check in with the Secret Service ahead of time to have signs and banners reviewed and approved. They are also counseled to police their members to prevent any untoward outbursts in the presence of the President or other officers of the government.

Vice-President Lauds Obama’s “Spine of Steal”

In written remarks distributed before a campaign speech to the United Auto Workers Union, Vice-President Joe Biden praised President Obama’s courage for bailing out General Motors and Chrysler.

“Where others might have been deterred by property rights or contracts, President Obama charged in, unafraid,” Biden remembered. “He put your jobs, your interests ahead of all else.”

Biden urged union members to keep this in mind come election day. “Some may put their trust in the law,” Biden said. “But I say having a guy you can trust at the wheel trumps anything that might be written down in a statute book or constitution. There is no substitute for having the right man in the right place at the right time. President Obama is that man. He’s got a spine of steal. Know that nothing can stop him from imposing his will when he feels justice demands it.”

Obama Takes Credit for Thwarting Runaway Oil Drilling

President Obama’s efforts to blunt the political disadvantage of rising gasoline prices took both a zig and a zag this past week.

In an attempt to provide a contrast with the growing popularity of the GOP’s “drill here, drill now” pitch, Obama promised he would “never allow the ‘gluttons of greed’ to drill in your back yard or your front yard, no matter how hard they push for it.”

To prevent gasoline prices from surging over the summer, as many have predicted, the President has ordered the release of oil from the nation’s strategic reserve. Conceived as insurance against the loss of access to oil due to actions by hostile governments, the reserves would be deployed to fend off possible electoral defeat.

“Threats aren’t confined to external parties,” Obama pointed out. “There are those within our borders claiming they are loyal Americans, yet determined to bring down the present government. In their hands, rising fuel prices are as potent a weapon as anything that could be mustered by the likes of Iran or al-Qaeda.”

Releases from the strategic reserve would only be required for the next eight months or so.

New Flag Being Test Marketed

Concerned that the current version of the American flag may be out-dated, Democratic Party officials have been trying out a new design in selected locations. If you would like to order one to display at your home or place of business call 678-653-5247.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens Archives

Additional Reading:

Planned Parenthood Sued for Cheating Taxpayers, Defrauding Government

Congressional Poll: Schweikert vs. Quayle

Sheriff Babeu Refuses Question about Same-Sex ‘Marriage’

Schweikert Would Make an Excellent U.S. Senator

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Davis Guggenheim’s recently completed film biography presents an unstintingly glowing portrayal of President Barack Obama. There is, to quote Guggenheim, “no downside to this man save the enmity of his enemies.”

“Only one other person in the history of the world has led a comparably exemplary life,” Guggenheim asserted. “Jesus healed the sick. Obama gave us healthcare. Jesus fed the multitudes. Obama has put more people on food stamps than any other president. The parallels between the two men’s great works are uncanny.”

Guggenheim expressed some anxiety that “like Jesus, Obama may be crucified for his efforts. Every day, right-wing fanatics stir up hatred of the President. Just as Jesus was denied mercy by mobs outside of Pilate’s palace, talk radio agitators like Rush Limbaugh urge voters to deny Obama a second term. The very idea that we could be repeating mistakes made 2000 years ago sends shivers up my spine.”

Women’s Rights May Be Sacrificed for Peace in Afghanistan 

Afghan President Hamid Karzai says that “it may be necessary for us to roll back the freedoms and privileges we extended to women if we want to persuade the Taliban to come to terms with us.”

Karzai characterized the freedoms granted to women over the last decade as “an experiment that is not working. Allowing women to go out in public uncovered and unaccompanied is a Western imposition that is out of step with our fundamental traditions. We will never have peace if we attempt to persist with such offensive alien ideas. Bringing women back under the discipline of sharia law is a small price to pay to end the war.”

The country’s women were recently instructed by the Afghan Ulema Council to “renounce the false gods of literacy and independence that have lured your Western sisters away from the path of righteousness. Allah bids you obey your husband, pleasure him, and bear him sons. Do as Allah wills and tranquility will prevail in your household. Pain, suffering, death and Hellfire await those who rebel against Allah’s will.”

Congressional Approval of Military Measures Not Required

U.S. Defense Secretary Leon Panetta told a Senate Armed Services Committee that the Obama Administration’s decision on whether to engage in military action against Syria is not contingent on Congressional approval.

“The United States is just one of many nations,” Panetta explained. “Even if our Constitution places the power to declare war with Congress this doesn’t override decisions made on a multinational basis. An agreement reached with other nations takes precedence over anything Congress may wish to do.”

The secretary cited the precedent established by the Administration’s actions in Libya. “President Obama acted with the consent of key allies in NATO,” Panetta pointed out. “Everyone agreed that intervention to depose Qaddafi was justified. That intervention was accomplished despite the lack of full Congressional authorization.”

Panetta argued that Congressional failure to impeach President Obama for bypassing its supposed authority “established the precedent that the President may deploy our military forces at his sole discretion on his own authority. Whether he uses his discretion and authority to intervene in Syria is his decision.”

Senator Demands Limbaugh Be Dropped from Armed Forces Network

Senator Carl Levin (D-Mich) demanded that the Armed Forces Network stop carrying Rush Limbaugh’s show. “Our troops shouldn’t be exposed to the barrage of criticism of their Commander-in-Chief that is spewed out by Limbaugh on a daily basis,” Levin said. “It foments disobedience and disloyalty.”

As evidence, Levin cited Marine Sergeant Gary Stein’s Facebook page called Armed Forces Tea Party Patriots. “The Tea Party is a threat to our government,” Levin maintained. “Men like Sergeant Stein may be called upon to suppress this threat. Yet, this Facebook page raises serious questions about where his loyalties may be.”

The Senator specifically took issue with Stein’s call for fellow armed service members to refuse to follow unlawful orders. “How is some grunt or jarhead supposed to know which orders are unlawful?” Levin asked. “We can’t have individual soldiers making up their own minds. They just need to obey their superiors.”

Levin was unmoved by the argument that Nazi troops who committed atrocities in World War II professed to be “just following orders.” “In war both sides engage in questionable deeds,” Levin observed. “Winners get to write the post-war rules and history. Losers can be made to pay for their crimes. The only thing our troops should be thinking about is how to make sure they are on the winning side when it’s all over.”

President Calls Oil “Fuel of the Past”

President Obama begged voters to back his vision of an oil-free future for America.

“There will come a day when we will wean ourselves from this fuel of the past,” Obama proclaimed. “Reliance on oil-based fuels has lulled us into lives of gluttony and waste. We have gotten soft because we drive when we should walk. We have gotten lazy because it’s easier to turn up the thermostat than to put on a sweater.”

“There are environmentally-friendly ways for us to live,” the president continued. “I see a future when mighty vessels powered by the wind carry goods and people to distant destinations. I see a harmonious communal lifestyle where body heat is more effectively deployed to warm our homes and work places. I see a people content to live more naturally, more humbly without the unnecessary frills we have been brainwashed to want.”

Of course, creating this utopia won’t be easy. The president acknowledged that sacrifices would have to be made. “Right now, too many of us are hooked on oil,” Obama said. “Breaking this addiction will be costly and painful. My Republican opponents are seeking to exploit your addiction by offering policies that will make oil cheaper and more plentiful. But I’m asking you to reject their siren song. Be strong. Help me build an oil-free future for our country.”

Dems Say They Have Better Offer for Women

Bolstered by polls showing women are more likely to vote Democrat than men, President Obama boasted “we have a better story to tell them.”

“The GOP is telling women to be responsible—get a job, get married—to take the so-called respectable path,” Obama asserted. “We’ve got a better offer.”

“Our healthcare plan mandates free contraception and free abortion,” Obama pointed out. “This frees women from the fear of unwanted pregnancy without impairing their sex lives.”

“Our welfare program ensures that should a woman choose to have a baby the government will provide for her and the child,” Obama added. “This frees women from being forced to marry the child’s father just to survive.” “In short, we offer women freedom,” Obama concluded. “We hope they will remember this come election day.”

Secretary Unsure of Fiscal Impact of Obamacare

Secretary of Health and Human Services (HHS) Kathleen Sebelius says she has no idea on what the fiscal impacts of Obamacare might be.

“I haven’t really approached the issue from that perspective,” Sebelius told Senator Ron Johnson (R-Wisc) at a recent hearing. “We’re just trying to make sure everyone and everything is covered.

Maybe we’ll take a look at costs later when we have more time.” Senator Johnson’s suggestion that all the requests for waivers that HHS has granted indicate a problem with cost was brushed aside by the Secretary. “First of all, I don’t know which waivers you are talking about,” she complained. “Each one is done on a case-by-case basis. Each has its own set of circumstances.” “Second, your assumption that we grant waivers when applicants’ costs are too high is incorrect,” Sebelius said. “We use a variety of factors to determine who we deem qualifies for a waiver.”

Seeing that a disproportionate share of the waivers have gone to businesses and unions that are political supporters of the Obama Administration, the “variety of factors” would appear to include a political component. What they do not include is an accommodation for matters of conscience “because that would allow individuals to put their own beliefs ahead of what has been decided to be socially beneficial,” Sebelius said.

Ayatollah Confident in Obama

While his Iran policy may have come under criticism from his GOP rivals, President Obama received a vote of confidence from Iran’s supreme leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei.

“We are encouraged by Mr. Obama’s forbearance,” Khamenei said. “We are confident that he will resist pressures from the unbelievers and that he will do the right thing.”

Khamenei favorably compared Obama to former President Jimmy Carter, who he said “had good instincts, but lacked the strength to impose his will on his enemies in Congress.”

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