Category Archives: John Semmens

Bush Endorses Universal Surveillance

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnIn a bid to position himself as the “Big Brother” candidate in juxtaposition to what he characterized as the “Angry Uncle” candidacy of Donald Trump, former Florida Governor Jeb Bush called for an end to “private encryption of any and every kind.”

When private individuals encrypt their communications it makes it difficult, if not impossible, for government authorities to carry out their jobs,” Bush complained. The source of the problem, according to Bush, is the resistance of communications companies to the idea of providing a covert “back door” by which government officials can discretely access an individual’s phone and email without having to go through the cumbersome process of obtaining a warrant.

The former governor dismissed fears that the government itself might misuse such access as “fanciful. The government’s only interest is to protect the people from evildoers. The idea that government might use access to everyone’s data to oppress its own people is ludicrous. We live in a democracy. Democracies don’t oppress people.”

Bush went on to claim that “people who aren’t doing anything wrong have nothing to fear from government eavesdropping. Only those engaged in communications aimed at subverting legitimate government authority, slandering public officials, uttering hate speech toward protected groups, or other questionable activities would be targeted for enforcement actions.”

While admitting that the “back door” he is demanding be open for government access might also be used by hackers to pilfer an individual’s identity, Bush insisted that “it’s worth the risk. It’s time that we draw a ‘line-in-the-sand’ between the good guys and the bad guys. It will be every person’s responsibility to decide which side of that line they want to be on—either they’re with the government or against it. Selfishly trying to protect yourself from criminals at the expense of denying the government full access puts you on the wrong side of that line.”

Iranian President Lashes out at Those Who Slander Islam

Iranian President Hassan Rouhani denounced “those who would use the murders committed by ISIS, Hamas, and kindred terrorist organizations to contradict the truth that Islam is a religion of peace” and called upon all true Muslims “to rise up and slay the defamers.”

Rouhani rejected the contention that his own endorsement of the “death to America” slogan might fuel the perception that Islam might not be a religion of peace. “America is the prime opponent of world peace,” Rouhani argued. “Crushing the infidel enemy of peace is the only sure path to the universal peace that will prevail when all the world is united under the one true faith.”

The bombings, the beheadings, and the rapes will stop once the advocates of erroneous doctrines are permanently silenced,” Rouhani promised. “Peaceful submission to the will of Allah is a path open to every person of every race. Violence is only meted out to those who resist this peaceful path.”

In related news, Secretary of State John Kerry tried to downplay the disclosure that under a secret side agreement of the deal he negotiated with Iran, Iran will have the right to choose who will and won’t be allowed to inspect suspected nuclear weapons development sites by pointing out “its cost-saving impact. By using local Iranians as the inspectors we save travel expenses that would be incurred by outsiders who would have to fly in from some other country.”

In a related cost-saving measure, it has been revealed that the Veterans’ Administration has been shredding rather than reading letters from vets. Deputy Secretary Sloan Gibson cited “the substantial reduction in hours of work and the associated costs avoided are key factors in staying within the budgetary limits imposed on the agency by Congress.”

Planned Parenthood Threats to Sue

Planned Parenthood’s executive vice president Dawn Laguens said the organization is weighing whether to sue the Center for Medical Progress, the group behind the release of videos showing that Planned Parenthood is engaged in murdering, dismembering, and selling aborted babies.

Since these videos were made secretly without Planned Parenthood’s explicit consent they constitute an egregious invasion of privacy,” Laguens maintained. “Invasion of privacy is a crime. That makes the videos the ‘fruit from the poisoned tree’ and inadmissible as evidence against Planned Parenthood for any alleged crimes depicted in the videos.”

Laguens also contested the idea that there are any grounds for prosecuting Planned Parenthood for the acts shown in the videos. She cited a letter to Congress from Jim Esquea, Assistant Secretary for Legislation for the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, asserting that “dismembering fetal tissue and selling it with or without the permission of the mother is completely legal.”

Though the videos might not be admissible in any future prosecution of Planned Parenthood, Laguens contended that “they could be used as evidence in a civil suit against the Center for Medical Progress. Not only have the reputations of the well-regarded leaders of this great American institution been besmirched, but the privacy of the specimens has also been breached. Faces and naked bodies that were meant to be kept strictly private have been blandished all over the Internet. This amounts to the promulgation of child pornography—the very crime for which former Subway spokesman Jared Fogle has been convicted.”

While Laguens acknowledged that “there probably isn’t much money to be had in the form of court-awarded damages from the Center for Medical Progress, but making an example of them could be crucial to the financial success of Planned Parenthood going forward. On the one hand, crushing this small organization may dissuade others from pursuing similar stunts aimed at derailing Planned Parenthood’s historic mission. On the other, our friends in government will be better armed to fend off attempts to cut Planned Parenthood’s access to public funds if the instigators of this scandal are being sued.”

In related news, Planned Parenthood has launched a series of political attack ads targeting members of Congress who voted to cut its federal funding. “Those seeking to parlay these scurrilous videos into a mechanism for advancing their anti-abortion agenda will pay a price for their sins,” Laguens bragged. “We’re urging voters to terminate the political careers of those pushing this war on women’s reproductive rights.”

Islamic State Charges US with War Crime

The Islamic State announced it is filing war crime charges against the United States with the International Court of Justice at The Hague in the Netherlands. The complaint alleges that the growing number of IS fighters coming down with AIDS are “victims of germ warfare originating from the nefarious labs of the American Government.” IS doesn’t deny that the infections resulted from their troops’ rape of captured women, but alleges that “the taint of AIDS is the responsibility of the United States. Raping captured women has been a right exercised by Muslim warriors for over a thousand years. The introduction of this new and deadly pathogen exploits Muslim tradition and constitutes a criminal violation of the rules of war.”

The potential impact on the Islamic State’s ability to survive is deemed substantial. “Participation in this ‘spoil of war’ is nearly universal,” said IS lawyer Weir Sqru’ud. “It’s likely only a matter of time before the infection reaches pandemic levels. Our ability to defend the Caliphate is severely compromised.”

On behalf of the Islamic State, Squ’ud is asking for the Court “to order an end to US bombing of IS targets” and for “an award of damages in amounts sufficient for the recruitment of replacement troops from among Muslim populations around the world.”

Without accepting blame, the Obama Administration agreed to send Secretary of State John Kerry to meet with IS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi or his designee to try to negotiate a settlement. “It’s a question of trying to come to some sort of reasonable compromise,” Kerry said. “Winning just because the enemy gets sick strikes me as a particularly dishonorable way to conclude our country’s interaction with ISIL. Finding a mutually agreeable means of leveling the playing field is, in my view, an attainable goal for our negotiations.”

Clinton Camp Deflects Email Scandal

The Hillary Clinton for President campaign is seeking to deflect criticism of the candidate’s handling of her email account while Secretary of State by casting her as “a passive and unwitting naif” rather than a deliberate liar and lawbreaker.

As anyone who has had to deal with government regulations knows, the rules are opaque and difficult to understand,” said Brian Fallon, a spokesman for Mrs. Clinton’s campaign. “Who hasn’t had nightmares trying to cope with IRS forms? What business hasn’t run afoul of incoherent EPA guidelines? It shouldn’t take much imagination for voters to comprehend the problems that confronted Hillary when she was appointed Secretary of State. How was she expected to know what was and wasn’t classified? We’re confident that the vast majority of voters will see her mishandling of secret material as an innocent mistake.”

Fallon further contended that “using a private server may have actually improved security. Can there be any doubt that foreign spies are constantly attempting to break into government communications? Just last week, current Secretary of State John Kerry conceded that China and Russia are probably reading the emails he sends and receives on his government provided server. By breaking the rules and conducting her communications through a server housed in a bathroom closet in Colorado, Secretary Clinton may have done a better job of keeping her emails confidential than her successor has by following the rules.”

In support of Mrs. Clinton’s innocence, Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif) suggested that “the confidential material found in Secretary Clinton’s emails may have been planted there by her political enemies. To-date, no one has conclusively proved that she was even aware of these emails. I suggest that we quiz her on the content to find out if she has even read them. If she doesn’t know what’s in these emails I think that would be pretty persuasive evidence that she neither wrote nor read any of them.”

In contrast, Representative John Yarmuth (D-Ken) was unimpressed by the effort to portray Clinton as an ignorant victim of complicated and confusing regulations, saying “if she was too naive to cope with State Department rules maybe she is too naive to be president. I mean, I have sympathy for the struggles of a person out of her depth, but can we really afford to put an innocent dupe in charge of our government?”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Carson, BLM Clash on Issues

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnGOP presidential hopeful Dr. Ben Carson and leaders of the Black Lives Matter movement clashed this week following Carson’s assertion that BLM is “creating strife.” As Carson sees it, “Blacks have been led down a dead-end road to dependency and murder via abortion by Democrat policies.”

The message that Democrats are sending by their support for the welfare state is that Blacks can’t make it on their own efforts,” Carson argued. “This is ridiculous. Blacks are as capable as whites if they apply their God-given talents to the world around them.”

The candidate was even more critical of Democrats’ unwavering support for taxpayer financed abortions, which he called “the leading cause of death in the Black community. More Black children are killed by abortion than by gang wars or cops.”

BLM co-founder Alicia Garza rejected Carson’s view. “The issue isn’t whether Blacks are capable of making their own way, but whether they should have to,” Garza said. “For centuries white plantation owners who were capable of supporting themselves depended on the labors of Black slaves. The government benefits Blacks are now receiving are a small down payment on the reparations owed for that debt.”

And Carson’s characterization of abortion as the leading cause of death for Blacks completely misses the point,” Garza continued. “All the Black babies terminated by abortion free Black women from the oppression of unwanted motherhood. These are women taking charge of their reproductive processes. These are women liberating themselves from burdens they choose not to bear. For Carson to compare these acts of self-liberation to cops shooting Blacks is shameful.”

Garza warned Carson that “he shouldn’t think himself immune to our wrath. We shut up O’Malley, we took away Sanders’ microphone, we drove Bush from the stage. We will make Carson rue the day that he chose to challenge our message.”

Court Rejects Challenge to Executive Amnesty

The U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia rejected Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s bid to halt President Obama’s executive grant of amnesty to those in the country illegally, calling the Sheriff’s reasoning “tenuous” and “unduly speculative.”

First, the argument that the grant of amnesty is imposing extra burdens on the Sheriff’s office cannot be supported by the facts,” Judge Nina Pillard wrote. “The laws against entering this country illegally are federal laws. The federal government has made it clear that it does not intend to enforce these laws. Sheriff Arpaio cannot claim his office is being burdened if he insists on doing something the feds don’t want done.”

The federal policy against enforcement renders moot the Sheriff’s contention that amnesty will attract even more illegal migrants into his state,” Pillard added. “As it stands, illegal migrants are already entitled to all the benefits available to legal residents, regardless of whether any formal amnesty is given. The lure of subsidized food, housing, education, and health care is sufficient on its own to lure illegal entry even in the absence of amnesty. Given that 80% of the illegal entrants in California are living off public assistance, it seems likely that Arizona is merely a place that these people will pass through on their way to greener pastures to the west. Therefore, the relief the plaintiff seeks is likely to be achieved by the mere passage of time.”

Obama Admin Urges Court to Block Restitution to Terror Victims

Deputy Secretary of State Tony Blinken argued against the imposition of jury-awarded damages to the victims of Palestinian terrorist attacks in 2002-2004. The jury award of more than $200 million in actual damages to ten families with three dozen injured, maimed, or killed is vigorously opposed by the Obama Administration.

Despite proclaiming its sympathy for the victims, the Administration seeks to void the damage award because, according to Blinken, “the amount represents a significant share of the Palestinian Authority’s annual budget. The loss of so large an amount would seriously infringe upon the PA’s ability to carry out its functions. Rocket attacks on Israeli civilians—the PA’s only tool to avert Zionist oppression of Palestinians—would have to be severely curtailed. Tunnel construction into the territories occupied by Israel would be dramatically impeded. Training and arming infiltrators would be brought to a standstill.”

Blinken hastened to point out that his remarks were “not an endorsement of PA policies that some might construe as ‘provocative.’ We may not agree with how the PA conducts itself, but we can take a stand in favor of the general principle that a sovereign state must have the freedom and the resources to act as it sees fit.”

In related news, Blinken refused to condemn the Islamic State’s legalization of rape and sexual slavery. “Granted, the idea of raping unbelievers and selling them as sex-slaves may seem odd to our ears,” Blinken conceded. “But if we believe in freedom of religion we ought to respect practices that differ from ours.”

Newly Released Emails Said to Exonerate Lerner

A newly released batch of emails from Lois Lerner, former IRS official in charge of denying conservative groups the same tax-free status as left-leaning groups, is said to have largely exonerated her of charges of unwarranted discrimination.

Attorney General Loretta Lynch cited email content in which Lerner referred to conservative groups as “evil and dishonest” as “fundamentally exculpatory. As a public servant, Ms. Lerner was certainly within her rights and duties to block the misuse of tax-exempt status to groups that in her mind posed a genuine danger to the government. While conservatives might be expected to disagree with her apprehension, there can be no dispute that her perception was heartfelt.”

Lynch concluded that “as far as we are concerned, there is no cause for further investigation, much less possible prosecution. Ms. Lynch was doing her duty as she saw it. In the government bureaucracy, sloth and dereliction of duty is all too common. Zeal is too rare. It is tragic enough that Ms. Lerner has been hounded out of office by right-wing extremists. It is time that the GOP hell-hounds in Congress let this woman try to rebuild her life free from further persecution.”

Obama Vetoes Planned Parenthood Defunding

Efforts by the legislatures of Louisiana and Alabama to reduce public funds allocated to Planned Parenthood this week were vetoed by President Obama. The president dismissed arguments that videos revealing PP’s participation in illegal trafficking in used baby parts warranted the states’ actions.

I learned in law school that the rule in our country is ‘innocent until proven guilty,’” Obama recalled. “Attorney General Lynch hasn’t deemed there is enough evidence to justify an investigation, much less a prosecution, trial, and verdict. These states’ attempts to inflict punishment before the judicial process has been given a fair chance to work does not live up to our standards.”

The president also ventured an opinion that “there may be nothing to this whole so-called scandal. I watch TV news every night and I don’t recall seeing any of these alleged incriminating videos. Surely, these ratings-hungry media outlets would be all over this story if it were legitimate.”

Obama appeared to be undaunted by the unprecedented action of a president vetoing a state law, citing his own authority as a constitutional scholar. “There is a clause in the US Constitution authorizing the federal government to do whatever is ‘necessary and proper.’ What could be more necessary and proper than to prevent a state legislature from penalizing an organization before it is convicted of a crime?”

David Daleiden, head of The Center for Medical Progress—the organization that released the videos, characterized the president’s stance as “willful blindness dedicated to preserving a cruel and criminal enterprise” and wondered “whether the $25 million the principal officers of Planned Parenthood have donated to the Democratic Party may have played a role in shaping his response to this organization’s continuing atrocities.”

Hillary Makes Bid for Latino Vote

Democrat presidential contender Hillary Clinton told a Spanish-language TV station Univision audience that she will make rich Americans pay the travel expenses of illegal immigrants. This is in contrast to GOP contender Donald Trump’s boast that he will make the Mexican government pay to build a border fence to keep illegal immigrants out.

Realistically, there’s no way an American president can make Mexico pay for anything,” Clinton asserted. “Why should the Mexican government pay for a fence? An open border allows their surplus population to escape to the United States where a generous slate of benefits awaits them.”

On the flip side, though, an American president has lots of leverage for extracting money from its taxpayers,” Clinton said. “With both the FBI and the NSA under the president’s control I’m sure I will have the information I need to persuade Congress to levy the necessary taxes. Or I could just issue an executive order or memo. One way or another, I’ll get the job done. People who make the arduous and dangerous trek to come to this country shouldn’t have to pay their own way.”

Illegal Immigrants Sue for Millions

Five illegal immigrants from Guatemala, Honduras, and El Salvador have filed a multi-million dollar lawsuit against the federal government. As their lawyer Andrew Free explained, “they came to this country to exercise their Constitutional right to share in its abundance. Yet, unlike the Mexicans who got here before them they’ve been denied free food, free housing, free education, and free health care. Instead, they been detained in squalid conditions as if they were common criminals.”

Free called this lawsuit “merely the opening salvo in a protracted struggle for social justice. There are thousands, maybe millions, of future plaintiffs. We will carve up the golden goose until all her eggs have been fairly distributed to the world’s poor.”

It’s not only illegal immigrants angling for a piece of the action. Retired Cuban dictator Fidel Castro says “the United States owes every one of Cuba’s 11 million people substantial damages for the cruel and vicious embargo it imposed on our country for over 50 years.” In response to Castro’s demand for money, the Obama Administration has dispatched its crack negotiator—Secretary of State John Kerry—to hammer out a settlement.

In related news, racial justice expert Al Sharpton slammed GOP presidential hopeful Sen. Rand Paul’s claim that hard work is a path to financial success. “The claim is demonstrably false,” Sharpton contended. “I’ve never worked hard, yet I’m drawing six figures just for talking on TV. From my experience, luck and knowing the right people are what really brings home the big bucks.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Russian Calls for War Crimes Inquiry into Atom Bombs Dropped by US

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnRussian legislator Sergei Naryshkin called for an international military tribunal to open an investigation of the United States’ bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki in 1945, calling the bombings “a crime against humanity.” While most historians agree that the bombings resulted in fewer Japanese casualties than would have been the case had the country been invaded, Naryshkin contended that “the use of unconventional weapons had unforeseen and irreparable consequences on both Japan and Russia.”

“Instead of being permitted to sacrifice their lives in suicidal attacks on invading US and Soviet troops, the Japanese people were forced to endure the humiliation of surrender,” Naryshkin said. “The comforts of martyrdom and oblivion were replaced by the degradation of foreign occupation by American imperialists.”

“On top of this, the Soviet Union was denied its share of the spoils of war,” Naryshkin added. “No army suffered more casualties during World War II than the Soviet Army. Yet, these gallant troops were blocked from taking the same benefits of rape and pillage they justly enjoyed over the Germans. Similarly, Japan’s hasty capitulation deprived the Soviet government of its own zone-of-occupation within Japan. This allowed the United States to hog it all for themselves and shut out the progressive influences that Soviet occupation bestowed on East Germany and other eastern and central European states.”

Retiring Comedy Central TV host Jon Stewart hailed Naryshkin’s initiative as a vindication of his assertion that former President Harry Truman “was a war criminal for authorizing those bombings” and expressed a hope that “the United States will ultimately redeem itself for that atrocity by paying reparations to Japan.”

Trump Sure Debate Helped His Candidacy

Donald Trump, the current front runner for the 2016 GOP presidential nomination, hit back at debate moderator Megyn Kelly’s implication that his insulting remarks about women might cost him votes.

“I’m just saying what everybody else is thinking,” Trump insisted. “Anyone who has eyes has got to agree that a distressingly large portion of women in our grossly overweight nation are fat slobs. Rather than keep quiet about this disgusting blight like so many other so-called opinion leaders, I have the courage to speak up. I don’t think voters will punish me for that. And only a bimbo like Kelly would try to make viewers believe otherwise.”

Trump was equally confident that his admission that he makes donations to movers and shakers in both political parties won’t be held against him. “Who knows better how to battle against the corrupt system of influence peddling than a person who has participated in it?” he asked. “For one, putting one of the major influence purchasers inside the government will, by itself, reduce the incidence of this sort of bribery. As president, I wouldn’t have to contribute to Clinton, or McConnell, or Boehner and hope they’d look out for my interests. I could look out for them myself from a position of impregnable strength. That’s why everyday Americans are supporting my candidacy.”

Trump also assailed the post-debate analysis where he took offense at Frank Luntz’s focus group report indicating that participants expressed negative reactions to the candidate’s performance. “Let’s not forget that Fox News’ ‘record-breaking’ audience for this debate was only 16% of those watching TV at that time,” Trump pointed out. “Eighty-four percent—the vast majority—didn’t even see it. Luntz is a low class slob for concealing that salient fact.”

In related news, recently recovered emails from Lois Lerner, the chief IRS persecutor of right-leaning groups, revealed a pattern of derogatory name-calling where she referred to conservatives as “crazies” and “assholes.” While Republicans on the Senate Finance Committee attributed these types of characterizations to possible political bias, Sen. Ron Wyden (D-Ore) argued that “these seem like accurate assessments of the opponents of progressive policies to me.”

Kerry Bewails Schumer Opposition to Iran Deal

Secretary of State John Kerry bewailed Sen. Charles Schumer’s (D-NY) announcement of his opposition to the Iran deal as “profoundly misguided.”

“I understand that Senator Schumer needs Jewish votes,” Kerry observed. “What he doesn’t understand is that his Jewish constituents are not the Jews Iran intends to wipe off the map. Iran has made it clear to me that it is targeting Zionists in Israel for extermination. Jews who are willing to leave Israel and Jews who live in New York are not their targets.”

Kerry admitted that he “didn’t totally disregard the possibility that some of the funds granted to Iran as part of the deal could be used to fund attacks on targets in America,” but argued that “these attacks would likely be aimed at Americans, in general,” and that “Jews would not be inordinately exposed to risks not faced by other non-Jewish inhabitants of our country.”

The Secretary also insisted that war was the only alternative to accepting the deal. “GOP members of Congress like to assert that there are other measures short of war that might be taken,” Kerry said. “But President Obama—the only person who is in a position to take action—says there is no other alternative. People should know better than to doubt this man. If he decides we go to war, we go to war. He will not wait on Congress to authorize the use of force. He didn’t wait on Congress before deciding to take out Libya’s Khadaffy. He’s aggressively used drones to eliminate this country’s enemies. So, if he says it’s this deal or war, Congress had best take him at his word.”

Obama Denounces Murder and Organ Harvesting

In the midst of a series of covertly obtained and publicly released videos of Planned Parenthood’s murder of human babies and sale of their organs, President Obama has come out strongly against the practice of killing albinos and selling their organs in Africa, telling a group of African leaders “this cruel tradition has got to stop.”

Meanwhile, the “cruel tradition” practiced by Planned Parenthood still escapes notice at the White House. Press Secretary Josh Earnest has explained that “the President refuses to watch the defamatory videos being peddled by the Center for Medical Progress” and “saw no contradiction between his stance on what is going on in Africa compared to what is going on in this country.”

“In Africa, the tissues being harvested from albino cadavers are used in superstitious rituals,” Earnest explained. “The tissues being harvested from infant cadavers at Planned Parenthood are being used for scientific research. Perhaps if we were less squeamish about this more parts could have been extracted and more research undertaken. Maybe Christopher Reeve could’ve been saved or Michael J. Fox’s Parkinsons’ symptoms eased if more fetal cadavers at more advanced stages had been available for organ harvesting.”

“Unfortunately, restrictions on third-trimester and partial-birth abortions have reduced the quantity of viable organs that have been available for post mortem extraction,” Earnest lamented. “Suppressing the supply of fetal tissue, as so many state legislatures have done by restricting the window of opportunity during which fetuses may be aborted, thwarts science’s efforts to convert the wretched refuse of unwanted lives into medical therapies that could be used to save the lives of more worthy persons.”

Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) rallied to President Obama’s side on this issue contending that “efforts to punish Planned Parenthood by cutting federal funding show that the GOP has lost its moral compass. They’re putting the interests of unwanted potential people ahead of the interests of real people—our wives, our sisters, our daughters, our granddaughters—people who will vote to determine who will and won’t retain their seats in government. The only saving grace is that these Republicans will be the instrument of their own political demise.”

Sen. Barbara Boxer (D-Calif) also waded into the controversy and called efforts to defund Planned Parenthood “a vicious attack on women’s health. The GOP would like to pose as a champion of the defenseless fetuses. At best, only half of these fetuses could have become women. But all of those getting abortions are women. Cutting funding to Planned Parenthood would force their customers to seek other places to perform their abortions—places whose commitment to progressive values may not be as clear and firm as Planned Parenthood’s.”

In related news, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) vowed that he would not allow efforts to revoke or reduce Planned Parenthood’s federal subsidies to imperil the operation of the government. “Tragic as the loss of hundreds of thousands of innocent lives at the hands of this depraved organization may be, we must not permit our emotions to overrule our heads,” he declared. “Tens of millions depend on government for their subsistence—both welfare recipients and federal employees. And a long list of corporations depend on government contracts to meet their payrolls and pay their investors. The greater good of this greater number has to take priority over the interests of the smaller number of potential persons terminated and dissected by Planned Parenthood.”

Crimes Committed by Illegals “an Acceptable Cost” Says Congressman

Rep. Luis Gutierrez (D-Ill) told Spanish channel Telemundo that “we shouldn’t overreact to a little thing like the murder of Kate Steinle” by a criminal illegal alien. Gutierrez advised that “we need to keep things in proper perspective. The thousands of crimes committed by the those who enter this country without permission should be weighed against the benefits to the tens of millions who don’t commit crimes.”

“Why should the much larger number of poor and oppressed people seeking refuge in the United States be deported and denied the food, housing, education, and medical care they so desperately need just because some of those who accompanied them in their journey turn out to be rapists and murderers?” the Congressman asked. “Are there not also rapists and murderers among those born in this country? We don’t use this as an argument against allowing the native born to receive government benefits, why should we use it against allowing the foreign born to receive government benefits?”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Kerry Insists that ‘Death to America’ Is Just Rhetoric

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnIn his continuing quest to sell Congress on what House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) labeled a “diplomatic masterpiece,” Secretary of State John Kerry tried to reassure the House Foreign Affairs Committee that Iran’s vow to take down the United States is “mere rhetoric for domestic consumption.”

Surely, members of Congress are aware that from time to time it is necessary to espouse policies that we have no real intention of implementing,” Kerry said. “I’ve lost count of the number of times that various spokesmen for the GOP have pledged to repeal Obamacare or to build a border fence. Yet, neither of these promises have gone beyond mere rhetoric. Obviously, the purpose of such rhetoric is to placate their domestic supporters. I suggest we view the infamous ‘death to America’ slogan shouted by mobs in Iran in a similar light.”

Ali Hosseini Khamenei, Supreme Leader of Iran, took issue with Kerry’s “ignorant and misguided assertion. Unlike Americans, we are not impotent mouthers of vacuous platitudes. Our battle with America will not end until the evil that it represents is exterminated. The lifting of sanctions recently approved by the United Nations is an important step toward our ultimate victory.”

In addition, Iran’s General Hossein Salami expressed confidence that “we will strike a blow that will be more shocking and more devastating than the 1941 attack on Pearl Harbor. Unlike the Japanese, we will not confine ourselves to strictly military targets. Our slaughter of the most vulnerable women and children will land a crushing and demoralizing blow from which the United States cannot recover.”

Obama Admin to Investigate Killing of Lion in Zimbabwe

Director of the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service Dan Ashe announced that his agency has opened an investigation of the “tragic killing” of Cecil the lion by American dentist Walter Palmer. Cecil was a major attraction at the Hwange National Park in Matabeleland North, Zimbabwe. Palmer reportedly paid some locals $50,000 to lure the lion outside the park. Palmer then killed the lion with an arrow.

Ashe characterized the killing as “a senseless act of cruelty against an innocent animal. It has shocked the world in a way that no other act has in recent memory. It is imperative that swift and severe repercussions be meted out lest others be emboldened to carry out similar atrocities.”

The enthusiasm with which the Administration has taken up the cause of justice for Cecil stands in stark contrast to its more blasé attitude toward recent revelations of the ghoulish activities undertaken by Planned Parenthood, where organs harvested from abortions are covertly sold.

Press Secretary Josh Earnest attempted to explain the disparity by insisting that “the President is persuaded that Planned Parenthood has always acted with the utmost integrity and compassion. This organization’s selfless concern for the welfare of women is nothing like the crass selfishness displayed by Dr. Palmer. He killed this lion for personal pleasure. Planned Parenthood repurposes unwanted human tissue for the benefit of mankind.”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) concurred in Earnest’s assessment and called efforts to defund Planned Parenthood “a distraction from the more serious matter of animal abuse exemplified by Dr. Palmer. It is essential that we do everything in our power to protect species endangered by human encroachment on their habitat. In this regard, Planned Parenthood’s termination of surplus humans must be seen as a crucial component of the battle against climate change. That some would seek to penalize this great organization by withdrawing taxpayer support just because they are seeking another revenue source by selling discarded fetuses is criminal.”

Senate Republican Mark Kirk (Illinois) called the uproar over Planned Parenthood’s trafficking in human baby parts “illogical. If an abortion is merely the exaction of unwanted tissue, how can the sale of this medical waste be wrong? I can’t really grasp why people are getting so upset about it. Any extra revenues Planned Parenthood can obtain in this manner reduces the burden we’re obliged to impose on taxpayers to fund the organization.”

In related news, Sen Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY) sent out a fund-raising email asking supporters to donate to her reelection campaign so she “can continue to battle against those who would use Planned Parenthood’s ‘good faith effort’ to secure its financial well-being through the sale of what would otherwise just be thrown in the trash. If you value the role Planned Parenthood has played in our goal of achieving a more caring community please make a contribution today.”

Rival Says Trump “Too Mean” to Be President

Presidential candidate Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) warned GOP voters against making Donald Trump the Party’s nominee for the 2016 election.

The man is too doggone mean to be president,” Graham complained. “It isn’t just the fact that he’s egregiously insulted me—a sitting senator. He’s insulting everyone. He’s insulted immigrant rapists and murderers while completely overlooking the crimes committed by native-born rapists and murderers. He’s insulted the Chinese, implying that their trade policies are unfair. This is no way to build bridges.”

Perhaps the worst offense is Trump’s lack of respect for President Obama,” the Senator continued. “The President is a decent man and a good friend of mine. Sure, he’s made a few mistakes, but his heart is in the right place. Yet, according to Mr. Trump, President Obama has been a complete disaster—lying and blundering his way toward degrading this great country.”

Graham acknowledged his below single-digit standing in the polls, but held out hope that, in time, his long record of service would come to be appreciated by voters. “Unlike Mr. Trump, I have won many elections,” he pointed out. “This demonstrated success gives me staying power for the long haul. We’ll see a year from now who’s still in the race—the loud-mouthed political novice or the well-respected senator from South Carolina.”

Planned Parenthood Says Videos Bigger Threat than Bombings

Reeling from the negative publicity generated by videos showing the organization haggling over the price of baby parts resulting from abortions, Planned Parenthood president Cecile Richards characterized the videos as “possibly worse than the spate of bombings of abortion clinics a few years back.”

The big downside of the bombings was the loss of life of doctors, nurses, and others dedicated to improving women’s health,” Richards observed. “Bad as this was, it was at least partially offset by the wave of sympathy these deaths earned for our organization. With the videos, though, there is no offset. It’s all downside. It creates the impression that we are callous toward the human remains of those proto-persons we’ve terminated.”

The challenge now is for us to try to head off an unwarranted reverence for the removed tissues,” Richards said. “People don’t get worked up when other tissues—like tumors or necroses—are removed from their human hosts. If those trying to make the case that we are murdering human infants win the day our business cannot survive.”

To try to regain control over the narrative, Planned Parenthood has circulated a memo to media outlets begging them to not air anymore videos on the grounds that “they were recorded without our consent. It was our reasonable expectation that these very sensitive discussions would be private and confidential. The Center for Medical Progress violated these expectations by covertly taping these private and confidential meetings. To air these ill-gotten videos would only serve to reward this heinous invasion of our privacy.”

Judge Rules Government Has Right to Know Who Its Opponents Are

U.S. District Judge Sidney Stein ordered Citizens United to turn over the names, addresses, and amounts of money contributed to the organization by its donors to New York Attorney General Eric Schneiderman.

It is clear that the activities of Citizen’s United, if successful, would result in a serious obstacle to the government’s interests,” Judge Stein wrote. “The government’s ability to fend off this threat is hampered by the anonymity of this organization’s supporters. If people want to oppose the government they should come out of the shadows.”

Stein dismissed fears that the government might take reprisals against its opponents as “cowardly. Did John Hancock, Thomas Jefferson, John Adams and the others try to hide behind anonymity when they signed the Declaration of Independence? No. They proclaimed their opposition to the government and took their chances. If the supporters of Citizen United are so fearful of the consequences of supporting anti-government propaganda maybe they should just be quiet and let the government run the country as it sees fit.”

Hillary’s Gap Nearly 5,000 Times as Large as Nixon’s

In the painfully slow release of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s official emails, House investigators have discovered a two-month gap. This is nearly 5,000 times the size of the famous “18 minute gap” on White House tapes during the Watergate scandal. Partly because of that 18 minute gap President Nixon ultimately resigned in 1974 to avoid being impeached.

All of Clinton’s Department of State email correspondence for May and June 2012 is missing. As chance would have it, this period coincides with a time of rising tensions in Libya during which others contend that they passed warnings up the line to the Secretary.

On May 22, the International Red Cross office was hit by rocket-propelled grenades. On June 6, an improvised explosive device was detonated outside the consulate. One would have thought these events might have generated some email traffic to and from the Secretary. It was during this period that US Ambassador Christopher Stevens is believed to have requested more security for the embassy and consulate.

On September 11, 2012, Stevens, along with three other Americans were killed by Muslim insurgents. At that time Secretary Clinton sprung into action assuring the world that these deaths were “the unfortunate byproduct of a peaceful demonstration gone wrong when local Muslims became incensed over a video mocking Mohammed”–a cover story that was later shown to be false.

For her part, the former Secretary insists that “there is no gap. As I recall, I was engaged in thinking about other issues—maybe my daughter’s wedding, or pregnancy, or something like that. All the emails relating to my private, non-governmental thoughts and issues during that time period were, naturally, deleted as a matter of personal privacy.”

Despite the Secretary’s apparent memory lapse or mental confusion, her doctor–Lisa Bardack, a physician in Mount Kisco, N.Y.–has pronounced Mrs. Clinton “fit to serve as president of the United States.”

Meanwhile, the Hillary for president campaign has released its price list for supporters wanting to interact with the candidate. A selfie with Hillary costs $2700. A picture with her autograph is $1000. A handshake and a simulated smile is $500. You can get the candidate to point at you from the podium for $100. A simple wave of her hand in your general direction can be had for the bargain rate of $25 per flap. If she looks toward where you are sitting or standing in the crowd, campaign staff will stop by later to collect $10 from you.

Obama Unimpressed with Current Roster of Presidential Candidates

In remarks at the African Union meeting in Ethiopia this week, President Obama lamented “the sorry slate of candidates seeking to succeed me. To be honest, there is no one worthy to follow the path I have blazed. I may have to consider running for reelection.”

Obama brushed aside the Constitutional provision prohibiting him from seeking another term as “a dangerous and unnecessary impediment” that might have to be altered “for the sake of humanity. You know, the guys who wrote the Constitution in 1787 didn’t see fit to limit the chief executive to any set number of terms. The Amendment restricting a person to two terms was the work of lesser men reacting to the unprecedented and awesome four terms to which Franklin Roosevelt was elected. Had FDR been limited to two terms we might never have emerged from the Great Depression or won World War II.”

The president said that while he is not yet ready to take the appropriate executive action to set aside the term limit restriction, he vowed not to hesitate if “the options available to voters continue to remain as lackluster as they currently are.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Administration Says Failure to Accept Iran Deal Means War

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThe Obama Administration denounced Congressional opposition to its Iranian deal, saying that failure to accept the pact would lead to war.

Secretary of State John Kerry has assured the President that agreeing to this deal is the only alternative if we want to deter Iran from attacking America,” said Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest. “Republicans agitating against this treaty weren’t in on the negotiations. They don’t know what we know.”

Critics of the deal have cited what they have characterized as serious flaws, including Iran’s refusal to allow on-site inspections of its nuclear facilities, a requirement that the US help Iran against Israel, and the immediate relaxation of sanctions. “There are absolutely, no mechanisms for ensuring that Iran upholds its part of the bargain,” complained Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas). “On top of this, the Iranian regime’s post-deal assertion of its right to acquire long range ballistic missiles in order to fulfill its goal of exterminating Israel and carrying the battle for Islamic global supremacy to our shores is, to use the words of Secretary Kerry, himself, ‘disturbing.’”

In a post-negotiation interview, Iran’s Deputy Foreign Minister Abbas Araghchi appeared to confirm some of Cruz’s worst fears, insisting that “this agreement does not impede our sovereign right to obtain whatever weapons we deem necessary to implement our obligation to carry the religion of Mohammed to every square inch of the world. To the contrary, the United States’ release of $150 billion in previously frozen Iranian assets is an explicit acknowledgment and facilitator of this right.”

Earnest described pact opponents’ expectations as “unrealistic. We can’t impose western ideas and values on these people. It is their deeply held religious belief that they must wage holy war on unbelievers in order to please Allah. If we believe in freedom of religion we must respect these beliefs and try to cope the best we can.”

As disturbing as some of the Iranian regime’s rhetoric and behavior has been since he finalized the deal, Kerry still insisted that “the treaty is essential if we are to have a semblance of peace for the next few years. Relying on Iran to self-monitor its nuclear program is our only option. They simply won’t agree to allow outsiders into their top secret facilities. If Iran cheats they will suffer serious damage to their reputation in the international community. That is a risk that we believe will deter them from covertly developing nuclear weapons.”

President Obama admitted that Iran could use the $150 billion they will receive as part of the deal to fund terrorist attacks around the world, but argued that “it’s the price we had to pay in order to get them to agree to the pact. The thousands that might be killed in such attacks are preferable to the millions that could be killed by Iranian nuclear bombs.”

Addressing Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu’s dissatisfaction with the pact, Kerry warned Israel against taking any action aimed at preempting a threatened nuclear strike by Iran. “The terms of the recently completed agreement obligate the United States to defend Iran agai8nst any external or internal threat to its nuclear facilities or its current government,” Kerry pointed out.

In related news, Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson explained that “refusing to label Islamic terrorists as ‘Islamic terrorists’ is a crucial weapon in our battle against them. By identifying the murders and bombings carried out by these people as acts of misguided or mentally ill individuals we are undermining their morale and sapping their will to fight.” Whether Johnson’s view is accurate was cast in doubt by ISIS strongman Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi’s retort: “the views of kafirs are of no concern to us. We know who we are fighting and why.”

House Passes Bill that Withholds Federal Aid from Sanctuary Cities

In a long overdue reaction to the mounting tally of victims of crimes committed by illegal aliens, the US House of Representatives enacted the “Enforce the Law for Sanctuary Cities Act.” The bill would block federal law-enforcement grants to cities that refuse to enforce federal immigration laws.

The vote for the bill was highly partisan with Republicans heavily in favor and Democrats heavily opposed. Mocking the bill as “the Donald Trump Act,” Rep. Xavier Becerra (D-Calif), the chairman of the House Democratic Caucus, called the legislation “illogical. Sanctuary cities bear a disproportionate burden of the crimes committed by undocumented inhabitants. Their need for law enforcement aid is even greater than cities that have not opened their doors to these immigrants. Cutting them off would be unfairly punitive.”

Whether the bill will do more than allow some members of Congress to vent their anger over the rising tide of felonies committed by persons who should have been deported seems improbable. President Obama has vowed to veto the legislation should it ever get past the Senate.

It is Congress’ failure to pass comprehensive immigration legislation that is the real culprit here,” Obama asserted. “If we legalize these undocumented immigrants the crime wave perpetrated by illegal immigrants would vanish. If we bring these individuals out of the shadows, sign them up to get benefits—food, clothing, shelter—we will reduce their incentive to rob, rape, and murder. If we allow them to participate in our democratic process they will be able to vote for those who support programs that meet their needs and wouldn’t have to try to take their own initiative to get what they want.”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) concurred in the President’s assessment and added that “the problem isn’t immigrant criminals, it’s guns. If all guns were removed from private hands the government’s monopoly on the use of force would be supreme. The redistribution of wealth to impoverished immigrants could be achieved through normal government programs.

In related news, the Obama Administration is putting the final touches on a policy that would grant illegal aliens permanent residency status based on what they are calling the “accrual of unlawful presence.” Under this policy, the longer an individual is able to evade being deported for illegally entering the US, the more entitled he is to remain in the country. Secretary of Homeland Security Jeh Johnson described it as “analogous to the statute of limitations for other criminal offenses. If you aren’t prosecuted or punished within a specified period of time you can never be deported.”

Democrat Says American Citizenship Is a Human Right

Former Maryland governor and current contender for the 2016 Democratic presidential nomination Martin O’Malley vowed to extend the rights of US citizenship to every alien in the country on day one of his administration.

“According to our Constitution, all men are created equal,” O’Malley maintained. “It is a crime against humanity for us to treat people unequally based on their place of birth. Humans have the right to live wherever they want. Our government has the obligation to ensure that every human who chooses to live in America receives everything to which he or she is entitled.”

As O’Malley sees it, the list of things to which every human is entitled includes “decent housing, nutritious food, health care, education and enough pocket money to have some fun once in a while.” In order to empower recent immigrants’ ability to obtain these things, O’Malley promised to issue an executive order granting citizenship to anyone who wants it, because “unless people have the right to vote they have no way of ensuring that the candidates who will guarantee them a fair share of the nation’s wealth can be elected.”

O’Malley denounced President Obama’s approach to the illegal alien situation as “excessively passive and niggardly. Restricting benefits to those strong enough and ambitious enough to make their way into the US by their own efforts leaves those too weak or lazy to make the arduous trek on the outside. Under my administration we will give bus, train, or plane fare to anyone, anywhere who wants to come to America. As with other human rights, like abortion—we can’t let inability to pay lead to exclusion.”

In related news, under orders from President Obama, the US Citizenship and Immigration Services announced it will no longer require new citizens to pledge to defend the United States as part of the Oath of Allegiance they recite at their naturalization ceremony. Immigration official Juan Osuna explained the move as “an effort to accommodate the religious objections of many immigrants. For immigrants from the Middle East, for example, their Muslim faith demands that they wage war on unbelievers. Rather than disbar such individuals from obtaining US citizenship or forcing them to lie, it is easier to just change the language of the oath.”

Left Rallies to Defense of Planned Parenthood

Video evidence that Planned Parenthood traffics in organs taken from the babies it kills has sparked a wave of revulsion across the country. This gory profiteering clashes with the organization’s attempts to portray itself as a champion of women’s health.

While Sen. Mike Lee (R-Utah) and ten other Republican senators have requested that the DOJ investigate Planned Parenthood’s body snatching business, leading Democrats want an investigation of the organization that released the videos to the media.

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) called the videos “a reprehensible invasion of privacy” and demanded that the Center for Medical Progress (the organization that made and released the videos) be investigated. “The right-wing assault on Planned Parenthood has gone on too long,” Pelosi contended. “The perpetrators of this latest atrocity need to be brought to justice.”

Reps. Jan Schakowsky (D-Ill), Zoe Lofgren (D-Calif), Jerry Nadler (D-NY), and Yvette Clarke (D-NY) have written to US Attorney General Loretta Lynch asking her to open investigations into the Center for Medical Progress. “It appears that persons working for CMP misrepresented themselves to Planned Parenthood’s leadership,” their letter read. “Instead of being legitimate purchasers of human body parts, these CMP employees cruelly duped Doctor Mary Gatter and Doctor Deborah Nucatola into trusting them with the organization’s private information.”

Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest characterized the GOP’s request for an investigation of Planned Parenthood as “a witch hunt” and scoffed at the idea the Administration would even consider questioning the government’s financial support of Planned Parenthood (over $500 million in fiscal 2014). “The President has made it quite clear that, in his view, Planned Parenthood is doing God’s work,” Earnest said. “We shouldn’t permit bleeding heart emotionalism over how the tissues of terminated fetuses are disposed of knock this great organization off course. Would the GOP really be happier if the body parts were simply thrown in the trash? After all, doesn’t salvaging some revenue from selling fetal tissue reduce the amount that the government has to pay to sustain Planned Parenthood?. Shouldn’t the GOP’s fiscal ‘hawks’ be with us on this issue?”

Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton warned that “we must not let squeamishness over the details of how Planned Parenthood goes about its business detract from the heroic history of this great organization and the essential services they have performed for so many years.” Clinton went on to decry the covertly obtained videos as “a massive invasion of privacy—the very right which 1973’s Roe vs. Wade Supreme Court decision sought to establish. And why shouldn’t Dr. Gatter have a Lamborghini. She’s worked very hard to build up the business end of the organization.”

IRS Targeting of Conservatives Blamed on “Inadequate Funding”

In addition to harassing conservative activist groups it also was discovered that the IRS has been using these groups’ donor lists to select which taxpayers will be subjected to audits.

President Obama blamed the Republican Congress for this outcome, saying that “if they weren’t so stingy with the agency’s budget this might not have had to happen. Ideally, the IRS should audit everybody’s tax returns, but this would require more employees and a bigger budget. Faced with the necessity to limit the number of returns it audits, the IRS made a reasonable decision to narrow the scope of its efforts.”

“Instead of just randomly selecting from the total pool of returns, they made an executive decision to focus on donor lists of conservative leaning organizations,” Obama continued. “There are several sound reasons why that choice makes sense. First, conservatives are more likely to have money—they have good jobs, they own businesses, they have savings and investments. Second, if these individuals are put through the wringer they’ll have less time and energy to work against my agenda. Third, there could be some positive behavior modification changes leading to less opposition to progressive social policies in future election cycles.”

“If government isn’t adequately funded it seems fair to me that those most responsible for this shortfall ought to bear the brunt of the consequences,” the President argued. “So, on balance, I believe the IRS has done a commendable job under difficult circumstances.”

DoD Stands by Its Policy of Barring Personnel from Carrying Arms

Despite the mass murder of personnel at a Chattanooga, Tennessee military recruiting office by Mohammad Youssuf Abdulazeez last week, Secretary of Defense Ash Carter rejected suggestions that on-duty armed forces members be allowed to carry guns.

“Sad as we all are for the tragic loss experienced in Tennessee, arming our soldiers and sailors is not the answer,” Carter adamantly declared. “Turning a crime scene into a war zone by arming our men escalates the situation and could lead to even greater loss of life.”

Carter also contended that having military personnel go about carrying weapons “would unduly frighten the general public. Making people feel unsafe on the streets, in the city and in their neighborhoods adds unhealthy stress to their lives. This would be too high a price to pay in order to give our troops the ability to defend themselves against the occasional crazed gunman.”

In related news, the Army has warned its recruiters to treat the gun-toting civilians who have been voluntarily standing guard at enlistment centers across the country as a security threat. As Army chief of staff Gen. Ray Odierno put it, “in the view of both the Department of Defense and the Department of Homeland Security, the millions of private citizens who own guns pose a far greater threat than the much smaller number of Islamic terrorists theses volunteers purport to be protecting us from. Military personnel at recruiting centers are advised to call on local police to disperse these ‘volunteers.’”

NY Governor Decrees Higher Minimum Wage

Professing to be “fed up” with the state legislature’s failure to enact a minimum wage he deems high enough, Governor Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) has decreed a $15 per hour minimum wage for the fast food industry in his state.

“I gave the legislature the opportunity to do the right thing, but their refusal to pass the $15 per hour wage has forced me to seize the initiative,” Cuomo said. “The voters of this state elected me to get things done. One way or another, that’s what I’m going to do. If the legislature thinks I’m treading on their turf they can try to impeach me.”

Cuomo brushed aside fears that the wage boost could drive many fast food restaurants out of business, saying “so what? Fast food is unhealthy. If this regulation drives down the consumption of this poison so much the better.”

The governor similarly dismissed concerns that the higher wage would drive up prices consumers have to pay. “If customers have to pay more for food maybe they’ll eat less of it,” he reasoned. “Americans are too damned fat as it is. They could stand to go on a diet. If that’s an outcome from the higher wage regulation, then that’s a win-win scenario as far as I’m concerned.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

A Vote for Hillary Is a Vote to Preserve Obamacare

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnSeeking to build on the momentum of last week’s Supreme Court decision upholding the Obama Administration’s executive “tweaking” of the Affordable Care Act (ACA), presidential candidate Hillary Clinton sought to reassure voters that they could count on her to preserve this law.

Clinton warned that “if the country elects a Republican as president this important advance toward universal health care could well be reversed.” She further urged voters to “ignore the siren song of individual choice that so many in the GOP are singing. Individual choice allows the ill-informed to neglect to obtain the type of coverage that experts all agree is necessary.”

The candidate contrasted the GOP’s vision of “each person doing whatever he thinks best for himself and his family” with Democrats’ “more socially responsible approach of everyone doing what society has determined is best for the collective whole. What’s good for the health of one individual may not be good for the health of the people. Stark as it may seem, sometimes the interest of the individual must be sacrificed for society’s benefit. That’s why we have to trust experts to perform the triage necessary to ensure that society’s interest is placed ahead of individual selfishness.”

As currently structured, the ACA shifts the burden toward making the young and healthy subsidize the older and less healthy. These subsidies will encourage the recipients to increase their demand for services and put further financial pressure on the system. Clinton promised to address this problem by incorporating a “value of remaining life” metric into the expert-guided triage process. “If an individual’s ‘value of remaining life’ is less than the amount required to preserve that life, the best interest of society will be allowed to prevail,” she said. “The health care system will ensure that dignified and painless exit options are provided for those whose continued presence is an unsustainable cost to society.”

In related news, the IRS has warned small employers that they will be fined up to $36,500 per employee, per year if they give these employees any aid in paying the high premiums or deductibles of their individual Obamacare policies. “Under the rules we have established, these employers must pay all or none of their employees’ health insurance costs,” said Secretary Sylvia Burwell. “We can’t let each individual or business make up some hybrid plan of their own.”

Oregon Cancels Free Speech Rights of Christian Bakers

Oregon Labor Commissioner Brad Avakian finalized his order requiring Aaron and Melissa Klein, bakers who refused to make a cake for a same-sex wedding, to pay $135,000 in emotional damages to the couple they denied service. When the Kleins attempted to defend their religious objections in a radio interview, Avakian issued a “gag order” forbidding them from speaking publicly on the topic.

Avakian dismissed the “freedom of speech” claim, insisting that “Oregon’s statute outlaws refusals to serve customers based on their sexual orientation. For them to try to continue the argument after I have already ruled against them shows contempt for the process. On top of that, their assertion that same-sex marriage violates God’s laws is hate speech. No one can prove there is a God, much less know what such an entity’s ‘laws’ might be.”

Neither did Avakian accept the contention that $135,000 might be an excessive penalty given that the couple’s desired cake could have easily been baked by any number of other willing bakeries. “Under Oregon’s law, any consumer has an absolute right to be served by the vendor of his or her choice,” he pointed out. “No customer should have to endure even the slightest inconvenience. It does not matter that there were dozens, maybe hundreds of competing bakers who could have fulfilled that order. Sure, $135,000 is far in excess of any actual damages, but by making an example of the Kleins we are warning others to not make the same mistake.”

To the Kleins’ complaint that the fine and gag order shows that “in Oregon we neither have freedom of religion or freedom of speech,” Avakian replied that “loss of civil rights is a penalty lawbreakers must expect to suffer.”

Obama Rebuffs Objections to Cuba Policy

Senator Ted Cruz’s objections that the Administration’s recent moves to recognize the communist regime in Cuba violate US law were rebuffed by President Obama. According to Title 22 of the US Code, the President must determine that Cuba has a democratically elected government in order to consider the restoration of diplomatic relations between our two countries.

According to the President, “times have changed and our laws need to change with them. The effort to try to isolate Cuba is a relic of the Cold War that is, in my judgment, no longer pertinent or necessary. Rather than go through the complicated and time-consuming charade of asking Congress to amend the statute, I am exercising my authority as Commander-in-Chief to revise this obsolete provision of our laws.”

Obama similarly brushed aside the law’s requirement that Cuba settle outstanding claims for compensation for the assets confiscated by the Castro government saying simply that “there’s no way they are going to pay. If we want to normalize relations with them we’re going to have to let this go.”

Whether riding roughshod over existing statutes will be enough to achieve the President’s objective of diplomatic recognition remains to be seen. The Government of Cuba is also demanding that the US cede the Guantánamo Bay territory and censor all US radio and television broadcasts that can be received on the island. Too many of these broadcasts contain material that the Cuban Government classifies as “counterrevolutionary.”

The fact that Cuba has not met the requirements laid out in our laws combined with their government’s demand that we aid and abet their tyranny by censoring broadcasters’ freedom of speech should give pause to the President’s rush to illegally grant concessions,” Cruz urged.

While allowing that “Cruz deserves some credit for perseverance,” President Obama expressed his confidence that “after last week’s Supreme Court decisions can there be any doubt that my adjustments to our laws will be upheld? What will it take for Cruz and his ilk to realize that it’s ‘game over.’ I’ve won. They need to live with that.”

EPA Mulling Rules against Fireworks, BBQs

The American tradition of celebrating Independence Day with fireworks and barbeques may be living on borrowed time. The Environmental Protection Agency is working on new regulations that could put a serious dent in the festivities. Strict new standards for ozone could bar most fireworks displays and some backyard BBQs.

EPA Administrator Gina McCarthy derided the idea that traditional modes of celebrating July 4th merited any special consideration. “Clean air is too important to play second-fiddle to abuses that result in needless pollution,” McCarthy contended. “Given our modern technology there are surely more environmentally-friendly ways of celebrating this annual event.”

The Administrator suggested that “electronic light shows are less polluting and, in my opinion, a more forward looking way of achieving the same end. Likewise, who really needs to barbeque on the Fourth, or any other day, for that matter? Grilling is an unhealthy way to cook for reasons beyond the air pollution it causes. Besides, people should be eating more steamed vegetables and less meat for their own health.”

Universities Strive to Stamp out Politically Incorrect Speech

The academic luminaries of the University of California and the University of Wisconsin are in the forefront of efforts to eradicate hurtful speech. Professors have been alerted to be on the lookout for phrases that the school’s have characterized as “microaggressions” that demean a person’s sense of self worth. Students or fellow faculty members using such phrases are to be reported to the school administration for disciplinary action.

Sane persons might be surprised to learn what some of these forbidden phrases are. In California, use of the phrase “America is the land of opportunity” or “everyone in this society can succeed, if they work hard enough” will get you into trouble. In Wisconsin, outlawed phrases include “I believe the most qualified person should get the job” and “there is only one race, the human race.”

Wisconsin Chancellor Bernie Patterson explained that “these seemingly innocuous words can be very hurtful. Saying that the most qualified person should get the job is anti-democratic. It implies that the one best should prevail over the larger number of less qualified persons. This is elitism.”

Likewise, lumping everyone into a single ‘human race’ would completely destroy the basis for affirmative action,” he added. “In fact, elevating the less qualified on the basis of race is the very foundation of affirmative action. But our objections go even deeper than this. Is it proper to use qualifications and performance to make any decisions? The whole idea of excellence and merit puts values derived from western societies ahead of values indigenous to other cultures. Can we justify a standard that mindlessly condemns mediocrity and idleness as inferior when the ratio of effort to reward in our society reveals these strategies to be very efficient for less capable individuals?”

Patterson went on to argue that “distributing grades and university honors to all impartially, without regard to performance, effort, or ability would be more egalitarian. If we really believe in social justice this is the ideal toward which we should be working.”

In related news, New York Mayor Bill de Blasio has banned employers from prying into a job applicant’s criminal history prior to hiring him. “It’s hard to get a job if your past mistakes can be used against you,” de Blasio said. “We need to level the playing field so former felons have a chance to go straight.” The risk that a former criminal might be a liability to the business or a danger to customers was declared “acceptable” by the Mayor. “You have to weigh the occasional theft or rape against the benefit to the thousands of ex-cons who need a way to rebuild their lives.”

Judge Blocks 24-Hour Waiting Period for Abortions

Circuit Judge Charles Dodson blocked the State of Florida’s new 24-hour waiting period for obtaining an abortion calling it “an intolerable inconvenience” that causes “irreparable harm.” The action came in response to a suit filed on behalf of 14 women who were unable to obtain abortions at the Gainesville clinic on the first day.

Forcing a woman to wait 24 hours in order to get an abortion disrespects the value of her time,” Dodson ruled. “Once a person loses a day of her life it can never be gotten back. The state has no mandate to impose this kind of irretrievable loss on its citizens in contravention of the inalienable right to an abortion granted by the US Supreme Court in 1973’s Roe vs. Wade decision.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

Release of Illegal Alien Criminals Called ‘Humanitarian’

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent NewsJohn

The Obama Administration’s release of illegal immigrants who went on to commit more than 100 murders was defended on “humanitarian” grounds by ICE Director Sarah Saldana.

These individuals all faced prison in their home countries,” Saldana said. “These foreign prisons are not like our prisons. There’s no exercise equipment and no satellite TV. Sanitation and hygiene are of the lowest sort imaginable. Sending these people to those Hellholes would have been inhumane.”

The inhumanity of the murders subsequently committed against Americans by the release of these foreign criminals was labeled “a tolerable risk” by the ICE Director. “Compared to the countries they came from, the United States has a lower crime rate,” she pointed out. “On top of that, police in the US have a better chance of apprehending suspects. The very fact that we know of the 120 murders they’ve perpetrated since their release proves that. So, from a global perspective, the burden of criminal predation has been more equitably distributed than it otherwise would’ve been if we had simply bused these foreign felons across the border.”

Saldana rejected criticisms that she characterized as “selfish and parochial. The contention that our first duty is to protect Americans is mistaken. As President Obama has made clear, we are citizens of the world first. We cannot shrug off our obligation to promote the greater good of the whole. The damage these miscreants would have done in their Third World home countries would have been far greater.”

In related news, Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton blamed Dylann Roof’s massacre of nine unarmed members of a Charleston, South Carolina church on Republican presidential aspirant Donald Trump’s anti-immigration rhetoric. “Opposition to the free flow of migrants across borders stirs up the sort of racist violence we saw in South Carolina this week,” she alleged. “Such talk shouldn’t be allowed in a free country.”

Study Shows Belgian Patients Euthanized without their Consent

Belgium passed its Euthanasia Act in 2002. A study published in this month’s Journal of Medical Ethics by Raphael Cohen-Almagor revealed that despite the law’s requirement that patients voluntarily give their consent to the procedure, many are euthanized without giving consent. The decision to euthanize was not discussed with the patient in nearly 80% of the cases of patients over 80 years old.

Dr. Pierre Tueur estimated that “I have probably performed more than 300 of these procedures on patients incapable of giving informed consent. In cases where the patient is unconscious, demented, or unreasonably frightened of death, I feel it would be against the patient’s best interest for him to be burdened by such a decision.”

Tueur maintained that the “voluntary” requirement of the law was met “when the person checks himself into the hospital. He comes to us seeking our professional expertise. When it becomes clear to us that further life would be too painful or unworthy it is our professional obligation to mercifully end it.”

Individuals who have become more of a burden than a benefit to the collective well-being of society have a moral duty to exit,” Tueur argued. “Moral obtuseness of the individual does not negate this duty. Those of us who have been trained in the science of medicine must step forward to ensure this duty is fulfilled.”

Disgraced NBC Anchorman Moves to MSNBC

Dismissed from his post at NBC’s Nightly News for making up stories, Brian Williams has been reassigned to the company’s floundering cable channel where he has vowed “to reclaim my reputation, one viewer at a time.” Whether Williams will be able to accomplish was thrown into doubt by his stubborn insistence that his on-the-air fabrications “weren’t intended to mislead people.”

Fiction isn’t inherently untrue,” Williams observed. “Many novels and movies portray deeper truths via fictional characters and events. We don’t deride Mark Twain or Steven Spielberg for making up stuff. While I don’t claim to be as good at it as them, I don’t think I’ve deserved all the negative vibes I’ve gotten.”

As an example of a “deeper truth” that his fiction helped elicit, Williams pointed to his reporting on Hurricane Katrina’s effects on New Orleans in 2005. “Admittedly, I didn’t see any bodies floating in the streets,” he acknowledged. “But it was a big flood and there could have been bodies that I didn’t see. The important point I was trying to make was that President Bush should be held accountable for the disaster.”

While Bush’s culpability might have been clear to Williams’ addled way of thinking, the reality was more complex. Yes, Bush was president when the hurricane hit the city, but Bush had no control over the path of the storm. The City’s vulnerability to flooding was decades in the making as state and local politicians squandered multiple opportunities to shore up levees.

For his part, former President Bush wished Williams “luck with his quest to restore his reputation” and allowed that “his estimate that he’ll do it one viewer at a time seems to be an accurate assessment based on the size of MSNBC’s audience.”

Rise in Sexual Harassment Cases at State Department

In 2014, under the leadership of John Kerry, 248 sexual harassment cases were filed at the US Department of State. This is considerably higher than the 88 cases filed in 2011 under the leadership of Hillary Clinton.

Kerry attributed the bulge in complaints to “employees’ misunderstanding of new training protocols I’ve introduced. It is not a scandal.”

According to the Secretary, the new protocols “involve intentionally stressful interactions carried out under my orders. If you’re going to work for the Department you must learn skills of diplomacy. Being diplomatic in circumstances where everyone behaves politely and appropriately is no challenge. It’s when someone crosses the line that the utmost test of these skills comes into play.”

In many of the countries we have to deal with women are regarded as subservient vessels for the pleasure and amusement of men,” Kerry observed. “Our female employees’ first experience with such denigration shouldn’t be after they’ve gone into the field. Likewise, in many other countries homosexuals are put to death. Homosexuals working in the State Department must be trained to conceal their sexual identities before we send them into the field to negotiate with these countries.”

Instead of complaining about the training, employees should be thankful I’m making the effort,” the Secretary asserted. “Let’s not forget that our gay Ambassador Christopher Stevens didn’t have the benefit of this training and ultimately was killed by Islamic homophobes under my predecessor’s watch.”

Leading Dems OK with Clinton Foundation Influence Peddling

Despite former Clinton administration official Robert Reich’s reservations about “the apparent impropriety of a husband of a potential future president accepting money from foreign governments and big corporations for ‘speeches’ that hardly seem worth listening to, much less paying for,” key Democrats think its okay.

Bringing money into America from a foreign government boosts our economy,” said Rep. Stephen Lynch (D-Mass). “If it’s trying to buy a policy that Hillary was going to follow anyway, well, that’s just ‘found money.’ And if it’s for a policy that Hillary doesn’t like, well, she can always welsh on the deal.”

People have a right to earn a living,” said Rep. Keith Ellison (D-Minn). “If someone is willing to pay a quarter of a million dollars to listen to a one-hour speech, well, it’s their money. They may think they’re gaining access to favors, but based on the Clintons’ track record, I think relying on such a quid-pro-quo is a long shot.”

Rep. Gene Green (D-Texas) said he is “confident that any money ending up in the hands of the Clintons will be put to good use. Even if only a tiny fraction is used for charity that’s still more than these charities might have gotten anyway. And keeping the Clintons relevant is an investment in America’s future. There may come a day when the nation sorely needs the skills that Chelsea can bring to the table.”

Rep. Dutch Ruppersberger (D-Md) blamed the public’s low trust in Hillary (57% of poll respondents don’t think she’s honest) on “the media’s right-wing bias. The vast right wing conspiracy that tried to hound Bill out of office for consensual sex with Monica are trying to block Hillary’s path to the White House now. That’s the real scandal here.”

Trump Enters Presidential Race

Real estate baron and reality TV star Donald Trump threw his hat into the ring in the race for the 2016 GOP presidential nomination this week. In his announcement in front of a crowd—many of whom were paid $50 apiece to cheer him on—Trump pledged to secure government entitlements.

With the other Republicans in the race, you never know whether they might end up cutting or privatizing Social Security, Medicare, or Medicaid,” Trump alleged. “Right here and right now I’m promising that these programs will be fully funded for as long as there is money to pay for them.”

Trump attempted to bolster the credibility of this promise by asking Oprah Winfrey to be his vice-presidential running mate. “Oprah gives away a lot of stuff to her TV audience,” Trump reminded. “It’s time we broaden the base to include every American as a recipient of her generosity.”

Trump further contrasted his “take no prisoners management style with that of President Obama’s ‘limp wristed’ inability to get Congress to bend to his will. If Congress can’t carry their weight I won’t be afraid to fire them. Everyone in America has seen me fire poor performers on The Apprentice. There should be no doubt that I’ve got what it takes to get results.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Angry Obama Vows Vengeance against Trade Bill Opponents

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnAlternating between tears and venom, a stunned President Obama ranted against members of his own Party, calling them “faithless turncoats” and alleging that “they are destroying my credibility with foreign nations,” after the House of Representatives voted 302 to 126 against the Trade Adjustment Assistance Act–a provision deemed crucial to the fate of his “fast track” trade legislation.

The vote came after a rare personal appearance of President Obama to lobby for the legislation. Erstwhile political ally, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif), led Democratic opposition to the President’s wishes. She remained unfazed by the President’s threat “to make life really hard for those who defy me.” “Even under a ‘worst case’ scenario, the President will only be in office for another 19 months,” Pelosi pointed out. “How much damage could he do?”

Press Secretary Josh Earnest advised the President’s political enemies “to not underestimate his disappointment or his determination to get his way, one way or the other. Don’t forget that he still has his pen and phone. He could bypass Congress and enact the trade legislation via executive action. He could use his phone to call on the FBI and NSA to release information that could prove embarrassing to Ms. Pelosi and others.”

Pelosi, however, wasn’t about to back down. “It’s not as if we don’t have our own sources of information that might prove embarrassing to the President,” she warned. “And if push comes to shove, there is always the option to impeach him. The prospect of elevating Joe Biden to the White House so the Party can run an incumbent for President in 2016 is looking better every day.”

In other news, Earnest brushed off revelations that the Chinese government has been hacking into secret federal databases for more than a year, saying that “this is just more proof that this Administration is the most transparent administration that this country has ever had, bone none.”

HUD Eager to Put More Public Housing into Suburban Neighborhoods

The Obama Administration’s Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) is working on new regulations that would tie federal aid to the placement of low-income public housing within white suburbs.

HUD Secretary Julian Castro explained that “ensuring diversity in every community is a key goal of this Administration. People on welfare shouldn’t be denied the right to live in nice communities just because there is no affordable housing available. Likewise, racists shouldn’t be allowed to insulate themselves from having neighbors of color merely by moving into areas with expensive housing.”

A possible fringe benefit for whites under this initiative, according to Castro is that “they wouldn’t have to go into the urban ghetto to buy recreational drugs. Public housing will bring drug vendors to their neighborhoods. This will save them the time and trouble of venturing into undesirable areas in order to purchase crack or weed.”

Castro acknowledged that “having drug dealers nearby also has its down side. There could be turf wars as gang members shoot it out to determine who will own the territory. And there may be a bump up in burglaries or robberies as addicts living in nearby public housing scrounge to obtain the funds needed to support their habits. But the Administration feels that this redistribution of crime will be more equitable in the long run.”

Boeing Innovation Increases Fliers’ Toilet Access

Concerned that the space allotted for on-board toilet facilities reduces the number of seats for passengers, the Boeing Corporation is converting all passenger seats on its 777-300ER into “potty chairs.”

Every additional passenger a plane can carry adds badly needed revenue to the airline’s bottom line,” said Boeing’s public relations specialist Anita Crapper. “We thought, if there were a way to convert the space set aside for restrooms into passenger seating it would permit airlines to earn thousands more per flight. By making every seat a ‘potty chair’ airlines can achieve that objective.”

Ms. Crapper lauded this innovation as “far superior to asking fliers to get their ‘business’ out of the way before boarding. In the old days passengers had to just ‘hold it in’ once they entered the airplane cabin. Even after on-board toilets were added, passengers’ access is sometimes impaired. Using the toilet during take-off and landing is totally barred. Other times there may be a lengthy line. With each seat being a ‘potty chair’ every passenger can go whenever he or she wants.”

On the new 777s each seat will have a retractable lid and drop-down privacy curtains. All a passenger needs to do is press a button to activate them. Any waste deposited will fall into a mini-chemical toilet under the seat. Pressing the button when finished will raise the curtain, close the lid, and release a squirt of air freshener.

We are entering a new and exciting era of flying,” Ms. Crapper boasted. “Those suffering from incontinence or loose bowels need no longer feel that flying will be an ordeal for them.”

In other news, California Governor Jerry Brown announced that he has given up bathing and drinking water to help fight that state’s prolonged drought. “Bathing is unnatural anyway,” Brown contended. “It’s a late addition to American culture and relatively uncommon in most parts of the world, including Europe.” Instead of drinking water, Brown says he will be switching to green tea “because of its added health benefits.”

Pennsylvania Teachers Attend Mosque

About 50 teachers and administrators of the Lebanon School District in Pennsylvania got paid time off to attend Islamic religious training. Teacher Lara Book called the day “amazing. Even though the rituals are different what came through loud and clear is that all religions want the same thing.”

While the ACLU is normally “johnny-on-the-spot” to protest any show of religion in a public space, especially one where taxpayer resources may be unconstitutionally used to promulgate a faith, spokesman Betram Petty found no problem with this event.

The whole separation of church and state thing is a western way of thinking,” he said. “It would be improper to hold Islam to these standards. Muhammed used the state to spread his religion, often giving individuals the choice of converting or being put to death. Using taxpayer funds to educate teachers on the fundamentals of Islam seems a lot milder than resorting to jihad. So, opening our institutions to this milder form of proselytization seems a more peaceful way of accomplishing the same goal. Objecting on the grounds that it mixes church and state could divert Muslims toward a more violent course of action.”

In related news, the ACLU is suing Gloucester High School in Virginia for denying 16-year-old Gavin Grimm, a female, access to the boys’ locker room and restrooms. “This is hurtful and stigmatizing for Ms. Grimm,” complained Petty. “The school’s effort to palm-off ‘gender-neutral’ restrooms as their solution to the transgender phenomenon falls far short of equal treatment under the law. Ms. Grimm’s inalienable right to explore her sexual identity requires that she be enabled to disrobe and shower among boys. It is key for helping her decide whether to make the full transition to male or whether she would be more comfortable keeping her female body.”

Police Shut Down Kids’ Lemonade Stand

Police in Overton, Texas ordered two sisters, Zoey (aged 7) and Andria Green (aged 8) to “cease and desist” selling lemonade in their efforts to raise money to buy a Father’s Day gift for their dad.

Selling anything in Texas without a permit is illegal,” explained rousting officer Doug Stamper. “It doesn’t matter that neighborhood lemonade stands have been a time-honored way for kids to make a buck. Under the law, they need to buy a permit if they want to sell lemonade.”

The cost of the required permit is $150. Few kids would have the funds to afford it. Few kid-run lemonade stands could net enough to cover the cost of purchasing a permit.

Every dollar these kids make is stolen from legitimate businesses that pay for permits and collect sales taxes that they remit to the government,” Stamper added. “If the loss of this legitimate revenue weren’t substantial the businesses wouldn’t have bothered to lobby for the law we’re enforcing here today.”

Stamper went on to contrast “the fundamentally selfish motive of these two girls” with “the loftier purposes to which the local government puts the revenues garnered from permit fees and taxes. A couple of kids operating a rogue business may look cute, but it’s a ‘knife between the ribs’ of legitimate businesses and the government elected to protect their interests.”

Congressman Introduces Automatic Voter Bill

Rep. David Cicilline (D-RI) has drafted legislation that he says “will greatly simplify the whole voting process in this country. Right now we have what is basically an ‘opt-in’ system. Those who want to vote have to take the initiative to register and make a periodic effort to cast a ballot. There is no question this reduces the number of ballots cast and lessens participation in our democratic process.”

Under Cicilline’s bill, every voter would be automatically registered to vote on his or her 18th birthday. A notice would be sent supplying each newly registered voter with a postage-paid reply card where they could indicate a Party preference. Once the card were received and recorded the person’s vote would automatically be cast for the Party specified in all future elections unless the individual presented a notarized affidavit changing the Party preference for a specific election.

By making one decision at the time of registration that person’s voice will continue to be heard in all subsequent elections without requiring any additional effort on their part,” Cicilline said. “People wouldn’t needlessly be forced to endure the tedium of going to the polls time-after-time. Their preference will be pre-recorded and repeated, saving them enormous amounts of time and trouble.”

Cicilline denied that his bill would usher in “mandatory voting,” saying that “a person could return the reply card asking that his or her name be stricken from the rolls.” He insisted that a better analogy would be “like those book clubs where they automatically send you the month’s selection unless you opt out. That system sells more books. My system will result in more votes. It will strengthen our democratic process.”

The legislation has been endorsed by Democratic National Committee Chairwoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz (Fla), former Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee Chairman Steve Israel (NY), and civil rights activist Rep. John Lewis (D-Ga).

Homeland Security Searching for Leaker

Last week’s news that the TSA failed to detect 95% of the weapons smuggled onto airlines in its security test has focused the Department on ways to tighten up security. Readers will be forgiven for mistakenly assuming that the tightening efforts will be on ways to interdict more smuggled weapons. In fact, the main concern, as Secretary Jeh Johnson sees it, “is finding the person who leaked these confidential test results to the media.”

The sad truth is that there is no way we can intercept more than a tiny fraction of actions hostile toward our air transportation system,” Johnson admitted. “Making sure that this truth is kept confidential was a crucial component of our ‘big bluff’ strategy. If terrorists believe they will be caught, they won’t attempt to penetrate our security. If travelers believe security is tight, they won’t be afraid to fly. This leak undermines both of these goals. We need to find out who is responsible and make an example of him.”

The Secretary dismissed the possibility that any of the 73 TSA personnel with ties to terrorist groups could have played a role in the failure to detect smuggled weapons. “Seventy-three is just a small fraction of our TSA crew,” Johnson pointed out. “The 95% failure rate is evidence of much bigger flaws in our system. There is no cause for us to embark on a witch hunt aimed at blaming the Muslims we employ.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

New Candidate for President Vows to Complete Metric Conversion

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThis week, former Rhode Island Senator and Governor Lincoln Chafee announced he is seeking the Democratic nomination for president in the 2016 election. A key factor in his decision to enter the race is “to bring the much-needed conversion of weights and measurements in this country into line with the metric system.”

“The United States is seriously out of step with the rest of the world,” Chafee contended. “When everyone else is using meters and liters it is sheer arrogance for us to be using yards and gallons. It’s like we saying ‘we’re too good to lower ourselves to your level’ to the rest of the world. It’s a ‘stick in their eye’ that breeds hostility and feeds the fires of terrorism.”

Chafee conceded that “it will seem odd to hear announcers call football games with the coin toss at the 45.72 meter line and the kick-off from the 27.432 meter line. But wouldn’t this better than having terrorists fly airplanes into our skyscrapers?”

The candidate emphasized that “I am the only one talking about this issue. Voters who want a uniform global system of measurements will have a clear choice. Do they want to cleave to an archaic and eccentric system? Or do they want to boldly conform to what every other nation is doing? Progress or peril—that’s the choice I offer.”

President Gives TSA “Vote of Confidence”

Recent field tests indicating that the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) failed to detect smuggled weapons 96% of the time did not deter President Obama from expressing his “continued confidence in the job they are doing protecting our aviation network.”

Press Secretary Josh Earnest contrasted the dismal test results with “the absence of any recent real world attacks,” saying that “I’d put more weight on what hasn’t happened than on what might’ve happened. Some are saying that we’ve just been lucky that no terrorists have tried to hijack an airline. But as baseball great Dizzy Dean once said ‘maybe it’s better to be lucky than good.’ America is fortunate it can rely on the President’s phenomenal good luck to protect it.”

Apprised of the fact that the quote he attributed to Dean was actually said by Lefty Gomez, Earnest was unfazed. “Regardless, the point is that luck beats skill,” he asserted. “The last six years proves that.”

Carter Slams White Feelings of Superiority

Former President Jimmy Carter denounced white feelings of superiority as “racist residue” during an interview with the American Association of Retired Persons.(AARP).

“Whites who use statistics indicating that Blacks are disproportionately involved in crime or on welfare are making judgments that neglect to consider valid cultural differences,” the former President said. “The notion that earning a living is more respectable than subsisting on government benefits is pure prejudice. Logically, accepting welfare rather than submitting to wage-slavery makes perfect sense. Failure to credit Blacks who have made this logical decision reflects poorly on whites.”

“As for the higher Black participation in crime, well, what could be more entrepreneurial than leading a gang that undertakes the dangerous trade of smuggling and distributing drugs?” Carter asked. “These enterprising young Blacks must accomplish these tasks without any help from the civil authorities. To the contrary, they are harassed on a regular basis. They have no recourse to the court system to enforce contractual obligations and are left to devise their own enforcement mechanisms.”

“If it weren’t for incipient racism in this country, we’d be seeing these young men on the covers of Forbes or Time Magazine instead of on wanted posters at the Post Office,” Carter complained. “At least we can be thankful that some of our nation’s leaders like Baltimore Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake and President Obama are making an effort to turn things around.”

New AG Seeks to Federalize All Elections

Contending that “it is shameful that we allow each state to determine its own qualifications for voters,” Attorney General Loretta Lynch has proposed new rules that would concentrate all authority over elections under the jurisdiction of her US Department of Justice.

“I know that the Constitution gave states the right to run their own elections, but it also gave Congress the right to alter state regulations if it so chooses,” Lynch pointed out. Lynch said she is “especially aggrieved that states get to determine who is and isn’t mentally competent to cast a ballot. By what right does any state presume to deny the right to vote based on a contention that a person is too demented? Does a person lose his civil right to participate in selecting who will govern him just because he can’t understand the issues or his choices? This seems to be a clear violation of the American with Disabilities Act.”

Lynch asserted that “anyone who wants to vote should be allowed to vote. If that person needs help filling out a ballot, well, that’s what we pay social workers for. The legislation I am proposing would permit these trained professionals to assist and, if necessary act as a proxy for those in their care, to cast ballots in any election.”

Whether Lynch’s bill will gain much traction in the Republican-controlled Congress seems dubious. Sen. Thom Tillis (R-NC) expressed skepticism that “ensuring the mentally incompetents’ access to the ballot box would improve election outcomes. I think the idea of self-government presumes that voters can act rationally. I don’t think it means that we trust social workers to cast ballots on behalf of those unable to comprehend the process.”

The AG says she doesn’t view Congressional opposition as an insuperable obstacle. “Drafting a bill is merely a courtesy,” Lynch declared. “We’re giving them an opportunity to be part of the process. If they fail to grasp this opportunity the President is prepared to proceed on his own authority as the nation’s Commander-in-Chief.”

In related news, candidate for the 2016 Democratic presidential nomination Hillary Clinton called for “the end of all restrictions on voting. A person should be able to vote whenever and wherever they want. Rules requiring registration, or short time frames when ballots may be cast, or limited locations where ballots may be cast or accumulated lower participation rates. There ought to be a free voter ‘app’ on every cell phone the government hands out.”

Senator Wants RICO Prosecution of “Climate Change Deniers”

Arguing that “the threat of global climate change is the greatest crisis we have ever faced,” Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse (D-Conn) has called for the Department of Justice (DOJ) to employ the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations (RICO) Act against those who dispute the threat.

“Can we really afford to engage in debate when the world is literally melting right before our eyes?” Whitehouse wanted to know. “Those who try to insert feigned skepticism as a barrier to action are worse than jihadi terrorists. They are shills for the corrupt industries that profiteer off Americans’ selfish addictions to comfort and mobility. They must not be allowed to hide their evil designs behind the First Amendment.”

“Aggressive action by the DOJ to freeze and seize assets will ensure that funds that could’ve been used to finance deniers’ propaganda can be redeployed for the collective benefit of the global community,” the Senator argued. “It will also give pause to anyone contemplating opposition to the steps necessary to combat climate change. Having one’s life ruined by government agents and prosecutors is a great deterrent.”

Whitehouse brushed aside concerns that crushing political opponents was outside the original intent of the RICO statute. “Arguing ‘original intent’ is a sterile exercise,” he maintained. “Repurposing a statute to meet a new threat shows creativity in evolving new ways of ruling the country. If we want vigorous government we must be flexible in how we interpret old laws.”

Congresswoman Touts Mandatory Gun Insurance

Rep. Carolyn Maloney (D-NY) has introduced the Firearm Risk Protection Act—a bill she says will “make gun violence prohibitively expensive.” The gist of Maloney’s legislation is to require that every gun owner purchase liability insurance covering any injuries or fatalities resulting from the use of their weapons.

“My bill would boost the cost of owning a gun by thousands of dollars a year,” the Congresswoman boasted. “This should price firearms out of reach for most people. No longer would owning a gun be a one-time purchase. There’d be continuing annual fees to be paid. The number of persons owning guns should drop.”

Maloney rejected arguments that criminals who do the most damage with firearms would scarcely be deterred by the legislation. “We know that trying to fight crime by directly confronting the criminals doesn’t work,” she claimed. “The point is to deter law-abiding people from buying guns. If they buy fewer guns there’ll be fewer guns for criminals to steal. Even if the law-abiding still buy guns, holding their insurers liable for the damages done by stolen guns will incentivize these companies to add more layers of regulations on gun owners.”

“Even if we don’t deter a single murder, the lower rates of gun ownership we will achieve should reduce the frequency of accidental shootings from insecurely stored weapons in the home,” Maloney said. “Since the victims of accidental shootings are more likely to be innocent victims, I think this is a good trade-off.”

In related news, in the United Kingdom it is now illegal for a victim of a crime to use any weapon in self-defense. “It’s a question of how do you stop the chain of violence,” explained Home Secretary Mark Pigeon. “If we say its okay for a person to respond to force with counter force where does it all end? It’s better to short-circuit the escalation before we add more casualties.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Court Strikes Down Idaho Abortion Limitation

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnAn Idaho statute banning abortions after the fetus reaches 20 weeks of age was struck down by the US 9th Circuit Court of Appeals as “an undue burden on a parent’s ability to get an abortion.”

The assertion that 20 weeks is the age at which the fetus is capable of feeling pain cannot be permitted to outweigh the Supreme Court’s Roe v. Wade decision that a woman’s access to abortion is a fundamental right that cannot be abridged by state action,” wrote Judge Harry Pregerson for the three-judge panel hearing the case. “First of all, a fetus is not a person under our laws and deserves no more protection against pain than a hog sent to a slaughterhouse.”

Furthermore, the legislature of the State of Idaho is unfit to meddle in this issue,” Pregerson added. “Elected bodies are notoriously influenced by the ill-informed opinions of voters who elected them. Matters of such magnitude are better left to the greater wisdom of the judiciary branch where the wisest of our species is free to rule without the distraction and interference of having to stand for election.”

Ten states currently have a similar law banning abortions after 20 weeks and legislation establishing a federal law is working its way through Congress. Pregerson predicted that “all such laws would ultimately be struck down as unconstitutional. No mere statute, either state or federal can overturn a court ruling. It would take an amendment to the US Constitution to invalidate the rights given to women by Court in the Roe v. Wade decision.”

In related news, The 2nd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals ruled that New York’s Department of Motor Vehicles acted within its discretion to reject an option for vehicle owners to have “choose life” appear on vanity plates. DMV Commissioner Barbara Fiala explained that “it is a question of public safety. New York is a majority pro-choice state. Allowing a minority to promulgate its message on a moving vehicle is a ‘stick in the eye’ that has the potential to inflame passions and possibly provoke unsafe driving.”

IRS Defiant on Data Breach

This week’s revelation that hackers stole the identities of 100,000 taxpayers from the IRS was characterized as “small potatoes” by Commissioner John Koskinen. “There are over 120 million individuals who pay federal income taxes. The 100,000 who will be victimized by this data breach represent less than one-tenth of one-percent of the total.”

Koskinen went on to boast that “we stop nearly 50% of the breaches we know about before any individual’s information can be used to defraud the government”–an effectiveness ratio that he contended “far outshines your typical performance for any other federal agency.”

The Commissioner lamented that “while the Russian hackers responsible for this latest incursion into federal databases may be beyond our jurisdiction, the individuals who leaked word of the breach to the media will be tracked down and punished. The damage done to the people’s confidence in their government from this leak far outweighs the trivial amounts that any individuals may have lost from their refunds being stolen. The vast majority of those taxpayers eligible for refunds are low-income wage earners. Our nation can easily absorb the losses inflicted on them by Russian gangsters.”

More than 20% of Americans Receive Welfare

According to the latest Census Bureau data, 21.3% of those living in America are receiving welfare benefits. This includes more than 41% of Blacks, more than 36% of Hispanics, more than 17% of Asians and more than 13% of whites.

Health and Human Services Secretary Sylvia Burwell called it “a good start on the President’s transformative agenda. Ideally, all output would be put into a common pot and doled out to individuals and families based on need. The notion that a person should be self-supporting is archaic. In another generation it will be completely replaced by an appreciation for the collective good of the whole.”

Burwell expressed faith that “robots will eventually do all the menial work that has enslaved humankind for thousands of years. The non-menial work will be performed by a dedicated minority that has placed selfishness aside in order to work for the benefit of those less able. Need will supplant greed as the primary principle by which the Earth’s bounty is distributed among the people. All will live as one big family with the President serving as the virtual ‘parent’ to each and everyone of us—allotting each an allowance appropriate to his needs, meting out extra rewards for good behavior, and punishments for willful disobedience.”

In related news, socialist candidate for the 2016 Democratic presidential nomination Sen. Bernie Sanders called for the government “to seize the resources wasted on manufacturing 23 different kinds of deodorant and 18 brands of sneakers and divert them to the production of food for starving children. The American consumer’s addiction to free choice must not be permitted to divert us from this greater purpose.”

Sanders also came out in favor of a flat tax of 90% on all income saying that “the average person has far more than he needs. Most private spending is frittered away on non-essentials like fancy cell phones, private automobiles, and entertainment. Shifting this spending over to the government will ensure a more useful deployment of society’s resources.” As for low wage earners hit with the 90% tax, the Senator said he was “confident that a package of carefully selected social welfare benefits would offset most of the pain.”

Documents Reveal State Dept Aided Rise of ISIS

The latest batch of declassified emails from former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s private server indicate that weapons used by ISIS to conquer half of Syria and Iraq were covertly supplied by the US. It appears that Ambassador Christopher Stevens was intimately involved in smuggling armaments from captured Libyan stockpiles to anti-Assad forces in Syria.

Current Secretary of State John Kerry defended the arms transfers as “based on the best intelligence we had at the time. We knew Assad was a brutal dictator who needed to be deposed. We thought relying on anti-government elements in Syria could do the job without having to risk direct US intervention. Who could’ve known that these anti-Assad rebels would turn into ISIL and misuse the weapons we gave them?”

In support of his argument, Kerry pointed out that “Sen. McCain (R-Ariz) had met with these anti-Assad rebels and pronounced them trustworthy. McCain, like me, served in Vietnam. He was even tortured by the North Vietnamese. So, I think Secretary Clinton may have given a lot of weight to his pronouncement. It only looks stupid in hindsight.”

The Secretary said “the really baffling part of all this is why Ambassador Stevens was murdered by jihadis. He was trying to help them get weapons. Killing him made no sense. I don’t think we’ll ever figure that out.”

In related news, key Senate Democrats urged President Obama to take executive action to admit more Syrian refugees into the United States. “Since it seems that our poorly conceived attempt to arm anti-Assad forces has turned their country into a total war zone, it is morally incumbent upon us to admit 65,000 displaced Syrians into our country,” wrote Senate Whip Dick Durbin (D-Ill).

Durbin discounted the risk that terrorists might hide among the refugees saying that “it’s more logical that jihadis will want to stay in the Islamic State than come here. Even if terrorists do come here, though, the damage they might do is likely to be small. We are a big country with over 300 million inhabitants. The few that might be killed by a lone wolf bombing or shooting attack would be only a pin-prick. More Americans are apt to be victims of global climate change than jihadi terrorists.”

Ferguson Rioters Demand Backpay

Hundreds of individuals who came from across the country to participate in the riots in Ferguson, Missouri after a police officer shot cigar thief Michael Brown during a physical altercation, are complaining that they are owed backpay by Missourians Organizing for Reform and Empowerment (MORE).

We were promised $5,000 a person per month for keeping that town in the news,” complained Ward Burns, one of 500 protesters bussed in from Boston, Chicago, Columbus, Detroit, Houston, Los Angeles, Nashville, Portland, Tucson, Washington, D.C., Winston-Salem, North Carolina, and other cities. “We need to get paid.”

MORE is funded by left-wing billionaire George Soros, who reportedly spent $33 million in the last year to support groups agitating in the streets of Ferguson. “I don’t know why these people haven’t been paid,” Soros said. “I certainly provided enough cash to cover the $2.5 million monthly salaries of the protesters. Maybe the MORE bank account was inadvertently looted during the confusion.”

In related news, violence in Baltimore has soared since street riots in protest of the death of Freddie Gray while in the custody of City Police were initiated a few weeks ago. Some are blaming Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake’s order that police “give protesters space to destroy property.” Others blame police reluctance to venture onto the streets after six of their colleagues were indicted for Gray’s death. The Mayor, though, taking a cue from President Obama, is blaming slavery. “If white slave traders hadn’t brought all those Africans here more than two hundred years ago there wouldn’t be all this trouble now,” she reasoned.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

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