Category Archives: John Semmens

House Speaker Pleads for Hillary to Turn Over Computer Server

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnA new slew of allegations has emerged implying that the Clinton Foundation may have accepted bribes in exchange for Hillary to use her Secretary of State status to influence government policy. An example of possible influence peddling was her support for Russia’s acquisition of a major stake in American uranium mining.

It looks like she violated the law, and the idea that she was going to use her own server and do official business on it goes against every transparency issue that the President likes to tout,” House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) observed. “She should turn that server and all those documents over to the Inspector General, at the State Department.”

Boehner said he is undecided on whether he will ask the House to subpoena the server. “On the one hand, I think the American people have a right to know the facts,” Boehner said. “On the other hand, compelling the handover of this equipment might create the impression that the Clintons are criminals. They’re good people and I am reluctant to repay their long years of public service by using tactics that would be applied to ordinary suspects in a criminal case.”

White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest acknowledged that “the former Secretary appears not to have honored her agreement with the President to keep everything above board. I mean, she explicitly forswore accepting donations from foreign governments while she served as Secretary of State. Nevertheless, I can’t see any point in subpoenaing her server. She’s already assured us that it has been wiped clean. Since any potential evidence is now gone it would be pointless to continue to pursue a fruitless inquiry.”

Clinton campaign spokesman, Brian Fallon, while carefully avoiding any explicit acknowledgment of guilt, attempted to make lemonade out of the latest allegations by asserting that “the supposed incompatibility of what’s good for the Clintons and what’s good for America could be resolved by reinstalling the former First Family in the White House. If the Clintons were in charge of all of America they’d have an incentive to try to carry out policies that would enrich all of America. It is their exile from power that necessitates their aggressive pursuit of self interest. Faced with the insecurities of living as private citizens they are subject to the same temptations of greed that have dragged down so many others.”

Kerry Blasts Government’s Critics for Undermining Prosperity

Speaking Tuesday at the 45th Annual Washington Conference of the Council of the Americas, Secretary of State John Kerry blamed the Obama Administration’s critics for undermining the country’s economy.

Countries are far more likely to advance economically and socially when citizens have faith in their governments and are able to rely on them for justice and equal treatment under the law,” Kerry maintained. “Yet, day-after-day President Obama faces a raft of criticism of his policies from the likes of Senator Cruz, Governor Walker, and others. These criticisms are destroying people’s faith in the government.”

Kerry cited a recent Pew Research Center study finding that only 23% of Americans trust the federal government to do the right thing at least most of the time as “evidence of the pernicious impacts these chronic critics of progressive policies are having. If trust in government is low, people will be deterred from investing, working, and earning. If people aren’t investing, working, and earning there will be less activity that can be taxed and government will lack the resources to guarantee everyone’s prosperity.”

The Secretary expressed doubt that “there is any legal way we can prevent this costly criticism,” but held out hope that “President Obama might come up with some sort of ameliorating executive action that could at least mute the worst of some of these damaging aspersions on the wisdom, ethics, and character of the President.”

IRS Admits Taxpayer Help Was Skimpy this Year

IRS Commissioner John Koskinen acknowledged that the number of employees assigned to assist taxpayers understand and file tax returns for 2014 was “less than it could’ve been.” Statistics bear out his assessment. It is estimated than less than half of those who phoned the IRS to ask for help actually got through. And of those who did many waited on hold for more than 30 minutes before speaking to an IRS agent.

Koskinen defended the shortage of taxpayer help, saying that “we had higher priorities. For one, we had to implement the penalty enforcement phase of the Affordable Care Act. This new responsibility consumed resources that previously were allocated to the taxpayer help line.”

The reallocation of resources away from taxpayer help to enforcing Obamacare aggravated problems caused by previous years’ reallocation of resources to the investigation and prevention of conservative organizations from obtaining tax exemptions in the run up to the 2012 elections.

We can’t do everything on the limited budget we have,” Koskinen complained. “We have to decide what’s important and what isn’t. Babysitting taxpayers while they grapple with tax forms wasn’t important compared to the other needs we faced. If taxpayers find our forms too difficult—well, that’s what commercially available tax preparation services like H&R Block are for.”

GM Pushes to Make “Unauthorized” Auto Repair Illegal

Contending that modern automobiles contain computer programs that entail trade secrets and are too complex to be touched by do-it-yourself car buffs, the General Motors Corporation is urging the government to make unauthorized auto repair illegal. It won’t take an Act of Congress to accomplish this objective. A mere reinterpretation of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA) would do the trick.

GM spokesman Lee Hunsacker asserted that “letting just anyone look under the hood is archaic in our day and age. What if they mess something up? The victims of any subsequent crashes will sue us. We are the deep-pocket manufacturers of these vehicles. We ought to have the right to protect ourselves by vetting who works on our cars.”

Not wanting to be left out, the John Deere Corporation demanded that the ban on unauthorized service and repair also be extended to farm tractors. “If we don’t clamp down on who is allowed to work on our vehicles people might tamper with the computer system and use it to pirate music without paying royalties,” claimed Henry Morgan, VP for customer relations.

Newly named Attorney General Loretta Lynch is reportedly drafting an executive action memo that would apply the DMCA to motor vehicles for President Obama to sign. This would empower manufacturers to issue cease-and-desist orders to anyone suspected of attempting to repair one of their vehicles without the express permission of the manufacturer.

ACLU Says Catholic Organizations Must Be Compelled to Fund Abortions

The American Civil Liberties Union has filed suit demanding that religious organizations be compelled to provide abortions and contraception to illegal immigrants.

Whether to bear a child or not is a woman’s right under our laws,” said ACLU staff attorney Brigitte Amiri. “No religious organization has the authority to infringe on this right. For Catholic aid organizations to refuse to pay for birth control and abortions is an infringement. Forcing a woman to bear an unwanted child is, as President Obama has said, cruel and unusual punishment. It is unconstitutional and cannot be allowed.”

Rules derived from a mythical being cannot supersede rules emanating from our nation’s legal processes,” Amiri continued. “For government to sit by idly while divergent religious views lead to divergent behaviors and outcomes would be intolerable. It is government’s duty to ensure that uniform rules are applied and obeyed.”

The only way the Catholic Church can avoid its duty to provide birth control services to its clients is to cease serving them entirely,” Amiri argued. “If they want to be in the business of rescuing refugees they must abide by the rules the government has laid out for them.”

In related news, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton promised that “if I’m elected, eradicating deep seated religious and cultural beliefs that stand in the way of transforming social norms will be among my highest of priorities. Women must be freed from the bondage of unwanted motherhood and from the economic burden of having to support their children if they choose to become mothers.”

Cleveland City Council: Gun Control Needed Whether It Works or Not

Cleveland City Council President Kevin Kelley (D) urged fellow council members to pass a sweeping gun-control ordinance despite doubts that it would be effective or enforceable. “Will this measure stop gun violence?” Kelley asked. “Probably not, but it is important that we pass it as a reflection of our values.”

A key provision of the new ordinance is that it prohibits carrying a concealed deadly weapon or handgun, unless the person is a police officer or a bonafide criminal. Kelley conceded that “this provision might seem paradoxical, but we feel it greatly simplifies and clarifies the situation. If you are not a police officer, yet you still have a gun you are, ipso facto, a bonafide criminal and the police may use deadly force against you at their discretion. It would effectively abolish the concept of armed persons ever being the victims of excessive use of force by members of the Police Department. The savings on lawsuits avoided will be huge.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Bipartisan Plea for Lynch Confirmation

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnPresident Obama’s nominee for Attorney General, Loretta Lynch, received a vote of support from both media star Al Sharpton and former Florida Governor Jeb Bush this week. Her confirmation has been held up by Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ken) in protest over Obama’s executive grant of amnesty to millions of illegal immigrants.

Sharpton labeled McConnell’s actions “racist. Keeping a Black woman from rising up to take her rightful place is a continuation of the hundreds of years of oppression of African Americans in this country. They let a white woman hold this job when Bill Clinton was president. For them not to extend the same courtesy to a Black woman is just shameful.”

Bush took a more nuanced stance saying that “while I doubt that the Republican opposition to Ms. Lynch can be totally attributed to racism, it could be construed as such by the media. Rather than having this monkey on my or any Republican’s back as the GOP strives to win the 2016 presidential election, it would be much more convenient if Lynch were simply approved as AG.”

Besides, as a matter of principle, I believe that it’s the President’s prerogative to have anyone he chooses to serve in his cabinet,” Bush added. “I certainly would expect such deference to me if I were president. If you ask me, to violate this basic courtesy on the rather flimsy grounds that President Obama may have exceeded his authority on the amnesty thing isn’t the way we should be running this country. Do we really want to set a precedent of denying a president the option of bypassing Congress when circumstances warrant it? Would we want such a rigid adherence to the Constitution if a Republican was in the Oval Office?”

To help press home their seriousness on the issue Sharpton and Bush vowed to do more than just offer words of support for Lynch. Sharpton announced a partial hunger strike and swore off sushi until Lynch is confirmed. In contrast, Bush says he “will eat nothing but Mexican food, which I will cook myself—unlike a certain other public figure who has to get hers from Chipotle. I will prove that I am the authentic Hispanic presidential candidate in the 2016 race and simultaneously express my solidarity with the plight of the immigrant.”

In related news, Lynch rebuffed the idea that the Department of Justice ought to investigate former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s emails. “As I understand it, all of these emails were sent from or received on Secretary Clinton’s private server,” Lynch observed. “Well, the Fourth Amendment to the Constitution bars government from intruding into private communications. As far as I am concerned this case is closed.”

Judge Rules Cops May Seize Your Home to Use as a Fort

When a neighbor was engaged in a domestic dispute, Henderson, Nevada police demanded that Anthony Mitchell allow them to use his home as a fort and command center in order to gain a tactical advantage in their efforts to cope with the situation. Mitchell refused, but police battered down his door, pepper sprayed him, and put him in jail for the duration.

Mitchell sued contending that this home invasion by the police violated his constitutional rights under both the Third and Fourth Amendments to the US Constitution. Federal district court Judge Andrew Gordon dismissed Mitchell’s Fourth Amendment argument, saying that “the Constitution guarantees against ‘unreasonable seizure.’ In this instance, the police had a reasonable need to occupy the home. The damages they did to Mitchell’s home could’ve been avoided if he had simply obeyed the commands he was given.”

Mitchell should consider himself lucky he only had to spend one night in jail,” Gordon added. “He could’ve been shot. For all the police knew, the whole neighborhood could’ve been a terrorist enclave. Many Americans own guns and have excessive and erroneous notions about their so-called rights.”

Gordon was even harsher toward Mitchell’s Third Amendment argument. “The whole ‘troop quartering’ thing applied to British troops,” Gordon maintained. “Since no British troops were involved, Mitchell’s line of reasoning is totally irrelevant to this case.”

President Says ISIS Camp in Mexico Vindicates His Amnesty Policy

President Obama says that evidence that the Islamic State has opened a training camp in Mexico, just a few miles from El Paso on the Texas border, vindicates his decision to grant expedited amnesty to illegal immigrants from Latin America.

We’ve all seen the atrocities these terrorists are capable of,” the President observed. “Who can blame Mexicans for fleeing? To deny these refugees sanctuary would be inhumane. To deport them would be cruel and unusual punishment. To delay their integration into our society merely on the grounds that Congress has failed to enact the necessary legislation would be barbaric.”

Obama ruled out the possibility of any aggressive action aimed at neutralizing the ISIS threat near El Paso, claiming “it would be an unconscionable intrusion on Mexico’s sovereignty. We have a duty to respect Mexico’s border. We can’t just brush this aside because the presence of jihadis so close to America makes us uncomfortable. If some of those living in Texas feel unsafe they are free to move elsewhere.”

Administration Remains Undaunted by Obamacare Setbacks

The Obama Administration remained undaunted by yet another court ruling against its attempts to compel religious groups to fund abortion coverage in their health insurance plans. Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito issued an order preventing the Obama Administration from forcing religious groups in Pennsylvania to pay for abortion-causing drugs mandated by the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS). The Supreme Court had previously blocked HHS from imposing similar mandates on the Little Sisters of the Poor, Hobby Lobby, Wheaton College, and the University of Notre Dame.

That the Administration would repeatedly attempt this type of coercion caused Lori Windham, Senior Counsel for the Becket Fund for Religious Liberty, to wonder “how many times must the government lose in court before it gets the message?”

HHS Secretary Sylvia Burwell denied that her Department’s actions were as futile as Windham implied. “Every time we order an organization to comply they must obey or take us to court,” Burwell said. “Fighting us costs them time and money. Granted, some large organizations can afford to wriggle out of the trap by such means. However, many others are too small, too poor, or too intimidated to make the effort. They obey. So, inch-by-inch we are gaining ground. Eventually, all opposition to our health care reforms will crushed.”

In related news, Democratic National Committee Chair Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (Fla) assailed Republican presidential candidate Senator Rand Paul’s (R-Ken) for supporting any limitation on a woman’s right to abort her child as an “enemy of liberty” and called his pro-life stance “savage.” “Paul would place the interests of a 7-lb. unborn baby ahead of those of a living, breathing woman,” she complained. “This is not a modern way of thinking and he’s a fool if he thinks his position gives him a better chance of being elected president. Obviously, he hasn’t done the math. The women whose liberty he wants to infringe are eligible to vote. The babies he wants to save are not. He has cooked his own goose.”

Hillary Blames Rich for Ruining America

In her bid to portray herself as the champion of the average American, millionaire presidential candidate Hillary Clinton is lambasting the wealthiest 1% for the impoverishment of the other 99%. It is, she says, “outrageous that the CEO of a major corporation makes 300 times the annual salary of its lowest paid employee.”

Clinton’s argument is ironic since her hourly rate for public speaking is 16,000 times the $15 hourly rate that she says ought to be the legal minimum wage. If CEOs are overpaid, former Secretary of State Clinton would appear to be obscenely overpaid.

According to Mrs. Clinton, though, the comparison isn’t fair because “unlike corporate CEOs I haven’t spent my career grubbing for money. I’ve been engaged in governing—the highest service one human being of superior capabilities can contribute to humanity. My $250,000 speaking fees are the deferred reward of a life of public service. I earned them. They are rightfully mine.”

In any case, I want every voter to know that when I am president the inequities of capitalism will be rectified,” Clinton promised. “We will take things away from those who have too much. Selfish self-indulgence will be replaced by socially determined collective investment for the good of the whole. We can’t make everyone rich, but we can make everyone equal and finally realize the dream laid out in the Declaration of Independence.”

In related news, reports that the so-called typical Americans that Clinton is meeting on the campaign trail have been “pre-screened” before they are allowed to approach her were pooh-poohed by former Vermont Governor Howard Dean (D): “If her staff lets just anybody talk to her there is no guarantee that it will be a representative sample of typical Americans. People with atypical views could disrupt the process and take the campaign off message. By weeding out the unsuited this can be prevented.”

Dean also defended the confiscation of cameras and cell phones from those visiting with the candidate. “A person has the right to control the use of her image,” Dean said. “Anyone wanting a picture of Hillary can pay the standard $1,000 fee and the campaign will give him or her an autographed photo.”

Work Requirement Pares Maine Food Stamp Recipients

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnEnforcement of a work requirement by Republican Governor Paul LePage’s administration has led to 9,000 former recipients being declared ineligible to receive food stamps. Under the work requirement, able-bodied food stamp recipients were asked to put in 20 hours of work per week or 24 hours of volunteer services per month.

State Rep. Scott Hamann (D-South Portland) called the work requirement “inhumane” and compared it to “indentured servitude.” “The Governor is taking the state out of the mainstream,” Hamann argued. “Other states have sought an exemption from the work requirement, but LePage is charting a course that sends a message telling people they must work in order to eat. In my view, this is a step backward.”

Maine Department of Health and Human Services Commissioner Mary Mayhew defended the Governor’s approach. “Entrenching people in a life of dependency is not a way to get them out of poverty,” Mayhew said. “It’s one thing for a person to be physically unable to support themselves. It is quite another for a person to refuse to contribute effort to sustaining himself.”

Hamann belittled “the contention that self-reliance is an appropriate ethos for a modern society. Not everyone is equally endowed with a strong work ethic or the ambition to succeed. Some inherit laziness and stupidity through no fault of their own. We shouldn’t be holding the losers in the genetic lottery to the same standards as the winners. Those who are lucky enough to be born energetic and ambitious have an obligation to society to help carry the weight of those less fortunate than themselves.”

In Kansas, a bill to ban welfare benefits from being spent on body piercings, massages, spas, tobacco, nail salons, lingerie, arcades, cruise ships or visits to psychics was denounced by state Rep. Carolyn Bridges (D-Wichta) as “an unacceptable infringement on people’s freedom to spend their own money as they see fit. As a society we have determined that these people are entitled to public support. By endeavoring to limit the uses to which they can apply thus support we are degrading their perception of self-worth and making them second class citizens. This is appalling. Freedom belongs to everyone. Poverty shouldn’t be used to limit a person’s choices.”

In stark contrast to what’s going on in Maine and Kansas, the nearly bankrupt State of California is looking to make illegal aliens fully eligible for state welfare benefits. “This nation was built by immigrants, how can we not cut them a piece of the pie?” asked state Sen. Ricardo Lara (D-Bell Gardens). Lara dismissed the state’s budgetary deficit as “an excuse, not a reason for excluding newcomers from enjoying the fruits of citizenship.”

Iranian Ayatollah Calls Obama “Lying Devil”

Ayatollah Khamenei, Iran’s supreme leader, characterized US President Barack Obama’s statements about the agreement negotiated between the two countries as “deceptive” and evidence of “devilish” intentions.

Obama’s assertion that Iran has agreed to ramp down its pursuit of nuclear weapons in exchange for a phasing out of economic sanctions is a lie,” Khamenei said. “What we have agreed to is this. First, all sanctions must be immediately ended. Once this happens we agree to refrain from engaging in any nuclear attacks until, in our judgment, circumstances for a favorable outcome warrant it. Most likely, circumstances won’t be favorable for at least a few years.”

US Secretary of State John Kerry sought to minimize any perceived discrepancy between the two sides, saying that “Khamenei’s statement is within the bounds of the framework we’ve been constructing. We could quibble over which comes first—the end of sanctions or Iran’s self-constraint as a nuclear power—or we could make the first concession as a step toward building good will.”

Right now, Iran is conceding that there will be at least a few years before they launch any nuclear strikes,” Kerry pointed out. “This should ensure that nothing drastic happens during President Obama’s remaining term. After that it will be up to his successor to devise a strategy for dealing with Iran.”

In related news, State Department spokeswoman Marie Harf dismissed warnings from former secretaries of state Henry Kissinger and George Schultz about the nuclear agreement the Obama Administration negotiated with Iran as “lots of big words that few people will understand.”

Kissinger and Schultz noted that the so-called agreement lacks any provisions for enforcement. Neither does it address Iran’s sponsorship of terrorism—a behavior that will become a bigger problem once sanctions are lifted and Iran has more funds at hand to aid these groups.

Harf insisted that “these concerns are irrelevant since Iran will not agree to inspections and reserves the sovereign right to use its resources as it deems best. For us to raise these issues would complicate the negotiations and make any agreement unlikely. We feel that it is better to have half a loaf than none.”

Administration Brushes Off Russian Hackers

Evidence that Russian computer hackers penetrated security at the White House and State Department was brushed aside by National Security Council spokesman Mark Stroh.

Since the Administration has no hostile designs on Russia we don’t consider their gaining access to confidential correspondence at the State Department or White House a threat to our security,” Stroh maintained. “In a way, this could be a good thing. They will see that we bear them no ill will. That could open up new avenues for better relations between our two countries.”

It would be far more worrisome if our correspondence had been illicitly obtained by domestic right wing groups that have long harbored a racist resentment of the President and his transformative agenda,” Stroh contended. “These groups have been working assiduously to undermine the President from day-one. They even mounted an unsuccessful effort to oust him from office in 2012. The Russians haven’t done anything as menacing as that for the whole time he’s been in office.”

President Chastises “Less than Loving” Christians

President Obama took the occasion of Easter Sunday to chastise Christians for being “less than loving.” “Over the past few months alone we’ve seen so-called Christians refuse to take photographs and bake cakes for gay weddings,” the President lamented. “This directly contradict’s Jesus’ admonition to ‘judge not lest ye be judged.’”

Obama rejected the idea that Christians might have legitimate religious objections to social policies with which they disagree. “Jesus bade his followers to turn the other cheek if they are offended,” he reminded. “Jesus allowed himself to be crucified rather than fight back against those who wronged him. Shouldn’t Christians be following this example?”

In related news, murders of Christians by Islamists in Kenya and elsewhere this month failed to elicit any comment from President Obama. Press Secretary Josh Earnest explained that “the hundred or so students murdered in Kenya is but a small fraction of the 2.2 billion Christians in the world. So, in no way can Christians be considered a ‘persecuted minority.’ Besides, from a historical perspective, didn’t Christian martyrs play a huge part in sparking the spread of Christian beliefs? Maybe these Islamist atrocities will help reinvigorate Christianity from its fading role in modern culture.”

In related news, Christiana Figueres, the Executive Secretary of the United Nations Framework Convention on Climate Change, called such massacres “a clumsy and cruel, but nevertheless effective method toward achieving the necessary and essential goal of depopulating the planet.”

White House “Gender Neutral” Restroom “Not Good Enough”

The Obama administration’s efforts to earn gratitude from the gay lobby by adding a “gender neutral” restroom to the White House came up short.

Lesbian-Gay-Bisexual-Transgender spokesperson Irma Crank called the move “not good enough. Every bathroom in every home in America is ‘gender neutral.’ Many businesses already have ‘family restrooms’ that can be used by either gender. The Administration’s attempt to curry favor with such a lame and wishy-washy measure is an insult. Frankly, we expected more from this President.”

The “more” expected by Crank “is the right of any person to use any facility—men’s room, ladies room—based on their sexual feelings of the moment. Herding individuals with uncertain or fluctuating sexual identities into a neutral space stigmatizes them. Anatomy must not be allowed to overrule a person’s mental state. An anatomically male individual must have the right to explore his feminine side whenever the urge presents itself. Likewise, an anatomically female individual must be free to express her masculine side.”

Crank also denounced “the dodge of one-occupant-at-a-time facilities that some businesses have been turning to. Urinating or defecating in a room by oneself stunts a person’s feelings of solidarity with those whose sex he or she is striving to identify with. Obviously, we are not yet at the point of full gender identity freedom in this country. We will not be satisfied with halfway compromises. We need to keep up the pressure until everyone is free to go wherever he or she pleases.”

White House spokesman Jeff Tiller expressed his disappointment with “Crank’s hasty condemnation. I think we’re all on the same page here. The gender neutral facility is for those who may be uncertain about their gender identity. Individuals who are sure may opt for the men’s or ladies’ room as they see fit. Beyond the White House, the Department of Justice will vigorously prosecute any businesses or organizations that try to restrict who may use whatever restroom facilities they provide.”

Rising Sales of US Constitution Put Department of Homeland Security on Alert

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnA surge of book sales that pushed the US Constitution into the top ten best seller list of the Conservative Book Club has caused federal officials to put the Department of Homeland Security on “full alert.”

This is just the type of abnormal behavior that should trigger a high state of vigilance,” Secretary Jeh Johnson declared. “We expect a few loud-mouthed right-wing politicians to repeatedly harp on whether some action taken by the government is constitutional. But we can’t afford to overlook tens of thousands of ordinary citizens reading such seditious literature.”

Outside of some historical interest, we can see no reason for people to cozy up to this document,” Johnson explained. “Our Courts are the mechanism for determining whether the Constitution has any bearing on modern life. Increased meddling by persons who aren’t properly trained for interpreting the document is cause for concern. Consequently, I’m ordering all our personnel to be on the lookout for any anti-government agitation inspired by uneducated interpretations of this historic relic.”

In related news, Ohio Judge Catherine Barber barred a defendant from bringing up the Constitution or the constitutionality of the law under which he is charged with a crime because “it would only serve to confuse jurors. They need to follow my instructions, not wander off into their own egocentric comprehension of this extraneous historical document.”

Kerry Disputes Comparisons Between Iran Deal and 1938 Munich Agreement

US Secretary of State John Kerry bristled under comparisons of the recently announced deal with Iran to 1938’s agreement between Britain’s Neville Chamberlain and Germany’s Adolf Hitler over the Sudetenland. Though Chamberlain proclaimed the agreement as assuring “peace for our time,” World War II erupted only a year later.

There are just too many differences to make the comparison apt,” Kerry claimed. “Hitler threatened to invade Czechoslovakia if his demands weren’t met. Iran isn’t threatening to invade anyone. Hitler had already invaded Austria. Iran hasn’t invaded anyone. Iranian troops in Iraq are there by invitation to fight against ISIL.”

There’s also the credibility issue between the two situations,” Kerry went on. “Hitler promised that the Sudetenland would be his last territorial acquisition—an implausible assertion. Iran, in contrast, has been very upfront that its intent to annihilate Israel is non-negotiable. We have to appreciate their honesty. Nevertheless, we have gotten them to agree to a ten year delay for achieving this objective. If they keep this promise that’ll be ten years of peace for Israel to enjoy before Iran moves in earnest on its designs.”

In the meantime, by lifting the sanctions on Iran there is a chance that a surge of economic prosperity may divert them from their vow to erase Israel from the map,” Kerry said. “None of the prosperous nations with nuclear weapons is a threat to Israel. Is it unreasonable for us to hope that ten years from now a nuclear-armed Iran would exhibit a similarly pacific behavior?”

French Foreign Minister Laurent Fabius, who represented France in the talks with Iran, called Kerry’s view of the agreement “a fantastical delusion.” And Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu insisted that “any deal that does not recognize my country’s right to exist is unacceptable” and refused to rule out a military option for preventing Iran from becoming a nuclear power—a sentiment that Kerry brushed off as “just as unrealistic as if the Czechs had decided to face Hitler’s Nazi war machine alone in 1938.”

In related news, the US Department of Justice filed a criminal indictment against Sen. Robert Menendez (D-NJ). A key consideration may have been the Senator’s criticism of the Administration’s Iranian nuclear policy. “Under ordinary circumstances, the offenses with which Sen. Menendez is charged might have been overlooked,” Attorney General Eric Holder admitted. “The bribes he received were relatively small—well within the norms for someone in his position. However, letting a prominent Democrat publicly assail the President’s policy on Iran could open the floodgates of opposition if an example isn’t made of him.”

IRS Chief Scoffs at Idea Agency Could Be Abolished

IRS commissioner John Koskinen laughed at the idea that Congress could abolish the IRS.

The Tea Party types may have wet dreams over the prospect of eliminating the IRS, but it’s not going to happen,” Koskinen gibed. “Too many congressmen on both sides of the aisle want the funds our agency extracts from taxpayers. One of the big attractions to holding office is the ability to dole out money to favored constituents. Hampering the IRS in any way would put a kink in that pipeline.”

The main gripe average people have with our agency is the complexity of the tax code,” the Commissioner contended. “Complexity is needed, though, to disguise the purposes for which the money is spent. Congress will never give that up. If they want to make things simpler for the taxpayers they could relieve them of the task of calculating and filing their 1040s and authorize the IRS to determine whether each taxpayer deserves a refund or must pay additional amounts. All the aggravation of trying to decipher the instructions, obtain the proper forms, fill them out and send them in would be eliminated.”

Koskinen touted the potential efficiency gains that could be achieved from his proposed reform. “Instead of investing a lot of time in inexpertly wrestling with incoherent forms and instructions, taxpayers could focus on working harder at their jobs. Their struggle to minimize tax liability would be converted to a more manageable one of maximizing their taxable earnings. It would be a win-win for both the government and the taxpayers.”

Anyway, if push comes to shove, President Obama will veto any changes he doesn’t like and enact any that he does via executive action,” Koskinen told legislators. “That kind of makes anything Congress might attempt to do a superfluous exercise in futility.”

In related news, the US Department of Justice announced that it is granting itself the authority to seize “suspicious bank accounts.” Attorney General Eric Holder explained that “it can take forever to secure these funds through the cumbersome judicial process where a person must be convicted of a crime before monetary penalties. Seizing bank accounts through administrative procedures speeds up our access to resources the government cam more effectively utilize than the previous owner could have.”

Actor Says Clinton Vouches for Accuracy of TV Show

Kevin Spacey, star of the critically acclaimed Netflix series “House of Cards,” told reporters that former President Bill Clinton confirmed that “99% of what you’ve shown in the series is essentially true.”

In the show, Spacey plays Frank Underwood, an ambitious sociopath who manipulates and murders his way to higher office. In the first season he started out as the Democratic Whip in the House of Representatives. By the end of season three he is the President of the United States with a body-count of three on his covert resume.

Spacey said that “my good friend Bill boasted that he’d cracked a few more heads on his way up than I do on the program, but still complimented me on my accurate grasp of what it takes to truly succeed in politics.”

For his own part, the actor bragged that “Bill Clinton isn’t the only president who likes the show. President Obama is also a big fan and says he wishes he could be as ruthlessly efficient as Frank Underwood. Which I take as quite a compliment since Underwood is roughly modeled on Shakespeare’s Richard III and Macbeth, but without a conscience.”

In related news, Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) announced his retirement saying he wanted to work on developing a better relationship with his exercise regimen. “As many of you know, I was recently beaten severely about the face in a December mishap,” Reid reminded. “My health requires that I devote more of my energy to solving this problem before it kills me.”

Judge Orders State to Cut Inmate’s Balls Off

US District Judge Jon Tigar ordered California’s Corrections Department to surgically remove a prisoner’s testicles. The $100,000 surgery would be performed on convicted murderer Jeffrey Bryan Norsworthy—enabling Michelle-Lael Norsworthy to emerge from 51 years of incarceration within the wrong body. The surgery is expected to be the first step in Norsworthy’s eventual release from Mule Creek State Prison in Ione.

For too long this unfortunate woman has been trapped within the body of a monster,” Tigar said. “She was forced to watch helplessly while Jeffrey murdered a person whose name no one can remember. Making Michelle endure the life sentence imposed on Jeffrey for this crime is cruel and unusual punishment. Constitutionally, it cannot be allowed to stand.”

Inasmuch as Michelle has already been imprisoned for 51 years inside an alien shell I am advising the parole board to consider commuting her sentence to ‘time served’ after the surgery is performed,” Tigar added. “We have a moral obligation to restore her to the life she would have had if not for a mistake of nature.”

The US Department of Justice hailed Tigar’s ruling as “a triumph of compassion over the narrow conception that all of the personalities residing within a single person ought to bear the consequences of the actions of any of the other personalities” and “a vindication of the Obama Administration’s commitment to protecting the interests of transgender people in this country.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Obama Exempts White House from Freedom of Information Act

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnContending that “constant prying by the enemies of this Administration are impeding my ability to smoothly rule this country,” President Obama issued a decree exempting the White House Office of Administration from further compliance with the requirements of the Freedom of Information Act (FOIA).

Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington (CREW) spokesperson Anne Weismann characterized the move as “completely out of step with the President’s supposed commitment to transparency.”

Office of Administration Director Beth Jones defended the move as “a necessary precaution against information falling into the wrong hands. This country is at war with reactionary elements who wouldn’t hesitate to abuse the freedom the law allows to embarrass and discredit the Administration. Well, President Obama isn’t about to let these rogue elements have free rein to scrutinize the inner workings of the government.”

Jones denied that the cancellation of access for persons to hostile to the president contradicts his pledge of transparency. “The windows on a home are transparent, but the owners are well-advised to draw the blinds to prevent peeping Toms from invading their privacy,” Jones asserted. “All we are doing here is drawing the blinds. The President’s friends will still be able to enjoy whatever access he deems necessary to their roles in defense of his policies.”

The Obama Administration has been the most aggressive in US history in its efforts to clamp down on information about what’s going on behind closed doors. It has prosecuted more whistle blowers and sentenced them to longer prison terms than all other presidents combined. This latest move is merely another example of its determination to conduct its business outside the view of the voters.

In related news, the Department of Justice rebuffed a subpoena for former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s emails on the grounds that “mere suspicion that the Secretary may have used her private server as a means of concealing what she was doing is not proof. Until we see proof that she actually concealed something via this stratagem we see no need to pry into her affairs.”

WV Governor Vetoes Gun Bill

West Virginia’s Democratic Gov. Earl Ray Tomblin vetoed a bipartisan bill that would have broadened the scope of concealed carry of guns by law-abiding citizens.

The notion that the citizen is the best line of defense against crimes against himself is one I can’t support,” Tomblin said. “Citizens aren’t properly trained. Allowing them to arm themselves only complicates matters for legitimate law enforcement personnel. If both the perps and their victims are armed how will the police know who to shoot when they arrive on the scene?”

The governor also expressed skepticism about the adage “that when seconds count, the police are only minutes away.” “The idea that deadly force is a victim’s best option is one I reject,” Tomblin said. “An armed victim will be tempted to start a gun fight. An unarmed victim will be forced to seek a nonviolent solution to his predicament. If the perp’s objective is robbery wouldn’t it be simpler and safer to just surrender your wallet? If the perp’s objective is rape, well that takes time and may give the police the chance to intervene before it can be fully consummated.”

The National Rifle Association is reportedly reconsidering how it vets candidates it supports in elections. “We backed this guy,” rued an NRA official requesting anonymity. “We need to do a better job of evaluating the views and intentions of candidates before we give our endorsement or financial support.”

Obama Threatens Israel

Stung by Israeli voters’ rejection of his wishes by their reelection of Prime Minister Netanyahu, US President Barack Obama ominously warned that he is weighing a change to America’s long-standing alliance with the Jewish state.

Israel is the ‘odd man out’ in the Middle East,” Obama told Netanyahu in a post-election phone call. “Six million Jews are pitted against a billion Muslims. Based on democratic principles of majority rule, I don’t see how we can continue to side with a tiny minority against the wishes of the vast majority who would like to see Israel eliminated.”

Maintaining an island of Jews in the midst of a sea of Muslims is a precarious endeavor,” Obama pointed out. “Life would be simpler and less contentious if Israel didn’t exist. For the sake of humanity I’ve got to reassess whether America’s continued efforts to resist Muslim desires to annihilate Israel are worth it.”

Standing aside while a tide of Muslim forces washes over Israel is a low-risk, low-cost option that I’ve got to consider given recent events,” Obama reminded Netanyahu. “Of course, this need not happen if you can bring your views into line with my vision for world peace. Surely, paying the jizya and submitting to Islam has to be less burdensome than trying to defend yourselves against so many enemies.”

ICE Releases Another 30,000 Illegal Alien Criminals

US Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) announced that during 2014 it released another 30,000 illegal aliens with criminal records. This follows the 36,000 it released in 2013. The crimes for which these persons were responsible include homicide, sexual assault, kidnapping, aggravated assault and more than 16,000 incidents of drunk or drugged driving. The released individuals are now free to move about the country.

In testimony before Congress, ICE Director Sarah Saldana characterized this action as “the best option we had available to us given the parameters established by President Obama. Is putting criminals back on the street bad? Yes, but what else could we do? If we deported them they’d just be roaming the streets of Mexico or some other Latin American nation.”

The people of Latin America have already suffered enough,” Saldana argued. “Their lives are marked by profound poverty leading to malnutrition, illness, and shortened lives. Rather than further intensify this suffering, it is the President’s view that our more prosperous society can more easily bear the burden of coping with these criminal elements. We have many government programs providing sustenance for those residing in the United States. We have free medical care for those unable to afford it. And most Americans have better means to protect themselves against crime. They can insure their valuables, install burglar alarms, and can carry concealed weapons—something no Latin American government permits.”

It should be obvious that global welfare will, on balance, be greater if the United States absorbs more of the depredations inflicted by the criminals in the population than if we selfishly try to isolate ourselves from the migration of underprivileged peoples seeking a fairer allocation of humanity’s collective wealth,” she concluded.

In related news, Democrats on the Senate Budget Committee blocked legislation that would prevent illegal immigrants from collecting billion of dollars in refundable tax credits to which they are not legally entitled. Sen. Debbie Stabenow (D-Mich) contested the idea that these illegal payments might be wrong. “A more important question than whether these payments are or aren’t illegal is whether they are needed,” Stabenow declared. “Illegal immigrants are among the poorest of our citizens. Their moral claim on this money should override any persnickety concerns about legality.”

Democrats Torpedo Human Trafficking Bill

Legislation aimed at deterring human trafficking (kidnapping people and selling them into slavery—especially as prostitutes) was stifled by a Democratic filibuster in the US Senate this week. The offending clause in the bill, as Democrats see it, is language that would bar federal funds being used to fund abortions.

Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif) explained that “inasmuch as unwanted pregnancy is an even worse fate than being sold as a sex slave we cannot abide placing any limits on a woman’s right to an abortion. A sex slave merely has to endure occasional interludes of undesired intercourse. A woman denied an abortion is forced to carry another human being inside her body for nine months—bearing all the risks and consequences, such as stretch marks that will disfigure her for the rest of her life.”

GOP Urged Not to Lose Sleep Over Possible Executive Tax Hikes

Press Secretary Josh Earnest advised Republicans “not to lose any sleep over the president using his executive power to raise taxes. First, it hasn’t happened yet. So why fret about something that may not occur?”

Second, and even more important, if the president does decide to raise taxes there’s nothing anybody can do to stop him,” Earnest added. “The Internal Revenue Service is subordinate to his authority. If he orders them to increase the government’s take from taxpayers they will unhesitatingly obey. They most certainly won’t be swayed by anything any member of Congress or the courts might say or do in opposition.”

In related news, prospective presidential candidate Hillary Clinton suggested that “it may be worthwhile for us to look into the possibility of establishing reeducation camps where the nation’s political leaders could be trained to cooperate for the good of the whole. Right now, too much energy goes into fruitless partisan wrangling over policies instead of into efforts to implement them.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Obama Admin May Bypass Congress, Seek UN Approval of Iran Deal

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThis week the Obama Administrationhas indicated it may bypass Congress and go directly to the United Nations to obtain international approval of its pending agreement with Iran.

US UN Ambassador Samantha Power cited “the traitorous actions of the 47 United States Senators’ who attempted to limit the president’s authority with that open letter they signed. They made it clear that their loyalty to the president is in question. Their insistence on using the Constitution as a cloak for Congressional interference has forced the Administration to seek an alternate path toward solidifying the agreement.”

The “alternate path” would be to obtain the UN’s endorsement of the deal. “Once the UN approves the agreement, Congressional participation becomes moot and unnecessary,” Power contended. “The US Constitution applies to only one nation. It’s authority is superseded by the authority of the United Nations, which is global in scope.”

GOP reactions were mixed. Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) denounced the idea saying that “The United Nations has no authority whatsoever to bind the United States of America.” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ken), though, conceded that “it looks like President Obama may have out maneuvered us again. We’ll have no alternative but to appropriate the funds needed to implement the UN-approved treaty.”

Over in the House, Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) endorsed the UN gambit saying that “the Republicans have only themselves to blame. They could’ve been part of this historic agreement if they had dutifully followed the president’s lead. By trying to stake out an independent course they have made themselves irrelevant. Senator McConnell’s 11th hour effort to try to grab a piece of the credit by offering to appropriate funds is an exercise in futility. President Obama will appropriate monies as needed via executive action.”

Driver’s Licenses for Illegals Leads to Abundance of Organ Donors

The California Transplant Donor Network hailed California’s policy of granting driver’s licenses to persons in the country illegally for boosting organs available for transplant by an estimated 30 percent.

Marcella Corona, community development liaison for the Transplant Donor Network, cited two factors she felt were “critical components of this good news. Obviously, by putting more drivers on the road there will be more potential crashes resulting in brain-dead victims—the prime source of organs for transplant. But the gains are likely to be even greater than mere numbers portend. On average, the driving skills of people from Latin America are decades behind those of native Americans. This creates a statistic probability there will be a larger ratio of crashes per vehicle-mile of travel. A larger ratio of crashes on a larger base of vehicle-miles means more organs will be available for transplant.”

The demographics of the crashes is also good news for Hispanics waiting for organs,” Corona pointed out. “With an increase in the number of persons of similar ethnic origin suffering fatal consequences on the road, the chances for a tissue match will be improved. More Hispanic lives can then be saved by timely transplants.”

In related news, migrants from Central America are demanding that the US government provide safer transportation to the US-Mexican border. “Too many compadres are being hurt or killed hopping la bestia (the name migrants have given the freight trains they ride transiting Mexico),” complained amputee Manuel Obrero. Obrero lost a leg when he fell between the cars of the train. “There needs to be a safer way for us to get here.”

The ACLU is reportedly considering filing a class action lawsuit on behalf of Obrero and others injured while making their way to the United States. “By his actions, President Obama, in effect, invited these people to come,” said ACLU spokesman Bertram Petty. “At the same time, the United States has not done enough to ensure a safe trip. In our view, these people are owed damages under the ‘attractive nuisance’ doctrine.”

Obama Administration Asks Appeals Court to Void Injunction

Lawyers for the Obama Administration filed suit in the New Orleans-based 5th Circuit U.S. Court of Appeals, asking it to overturn federal Judge Andrew Hanen’s injunction prohibiting further executive action granting additional rights and privileges to amnestied illegal aliens.

Judge Hanen’s order is unprecedented and wrong,” claimed Administration attorney Abby Lyon. “First of all, a mere district court judge lacks the standing to impede a policy ordered by the president of the United States,” Lyon said. “Second, Judge Hanen was appointed by former President Bush, who is no longer this country’s reigning chief executive. Consequently, Hanen has no mandate to interfere with the actions of the President.”

A further aggravating factor, according to Lyon, is that “Hanen’s ruling came in response to a petition by 26 states that objected to the president’s executive grant of rights to these previously undocumented Americans. The determination of who is and isn’t entitled to the rights and privileges of Americans is a federal, not a state matter. Thus, these states lack standing to appeal any actions taken by the federal government.”

In related news, the White House has refused to respond to Sen. James Lankford’s (R-OK) inquiry regarding President Obama’s threat to inflict “consequences on federal employees who heed Hanen’s injunction and continue to enforce immigration laws in contravention of my wishes.” Press Secretary Josh Earnest explained that “the president is too busy ruling this country to have time to answer criticisms from his political enemies.”

Kerry Says Admin Won’t Destroy ISIL

Secretary of State John Kerry boasted that “we have the capacity to knock out ISIL, but we’re not going to do it. Eliminating these murderous thugs is not part of the President’s vision for the transformation of America.”

By way of explanation, Kerry pointed out that “in the movies, Lex Luthor is a vile criminal, yet Superman never kills him. Why? It’s because there needs to be a balance between good and evil. The same thing can be said for how we respond to ISIL. Wiping them out risks upsetting the balance between good and evil. We need them as much as they need us to continue the cosmic battle between contending forces that we call ‘history.’”

Kerry contrasted the “simplistic call for victory over terrorism to the President’s more nuanced understanding. Those who have been paying attention will note that President Obama repeatedly calls for ‘degrading ISIL’s capabilities.’ He hasn’t called for their defeat or annihilation. He has the sophistication to grasp the truth that eludes his critics—evil will never be vanquished. It’s a fundamental part of the human condition. All we can do is try to weaken it, contain it, and learn to live with it.”

Feds Fund “Diet Choker” Technology

With the aid of a $148,000 federal grant, engineers at the University of California Los Angeles (UCLA) have developed what they call a “diet choker.” The device is a necklace that detects what and when a person is eating. This information is then communicated by phone.

Lead researcher Majid Sarrafzadeh called the device “a breakthrough for healthy eating. If it detects excessive quantities are consumed or poor food choices are made it can be programmed to call the person’s cell phone to remind them that their choice is an unhealthy one.”

If individuals prove insufficiently motivated to alter their behavior with this reminder, the device can also be programmed to alert a dietary enforcement authority,” Sarrafzadeh said. “That way, if the individual’s will power is weak, external intervention can be introduced to control what is eaten. The end result will be a happier and healthier America.”

First Lady Michelle Obama lauded the invention as “ingenious. We’ve been trying to educate people on the proper way to eat, but this choker offers a much more robust interface between dietary experts and individual consumers. If the device could be programmed to give real time feedback—say a mild electric shock when inappropriate foods or gluttonous quantities are ingested—we’ll have a powerful new weapon against obesity.”

Social Security Rolls Show 6.5 Million Centenarians

Although the worldwide population of persons older than 112 years of age is estimated to be only three dozen, an investigation by the inspector general revealed that the Social Security Administration (SSA) has active accounts for 6.5 million persons over that age.

Obviously, there aren’t really 6.5 million persons that old living in America. Obviously, many recipients who have been long dead are regularly mailed benefits checks by SSA. Obviously, millions of identities have been stolen and are being used to rack up potential benefits.

Sens. Ron Johnson (R-Wis) and Tom Carper (D-Del), who head the Senate committee that oversees the Social Security Administration, called the IG’s findings “incredible” and “a serious problem.”

Acting Commissioner Carolyn Colvin rejected the IG’s recommendation that her agency make efforts to correct its records saying that “the recommendation would create a significant manual and labor-intensive workload and provide no benefit to the administration of our programs. Our philosophy is that it is better to allow a thousand ineligible payments than to deny one that is rightfully owed. President Obama has been consulted and has confirmed this approach. We see no need to change course.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Dems Label Inquiry into Hillary’s Emails ‘Witch Hunt’

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThe revelation that former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s use of an insecure private email account for top secret communications has even liberal commentators concerned.

On MSNBC’s TV news show Morning Joe, Lawrence O’Donnell, a self-described “practical European socialist,” observed that “e-mail system was set up obviously to defy the freedom of Information Act.” Co-Host, Mika Brzezinski agreed saying “this wasn’t honest.”

On the other hand, State Department spokeswoman Marie Harf attempted to rebuff criticism by repeating Clinton’s infamous “what difference does it make at this point?” remark the then Secretary of State made in her appearance before a Congressional committee investigating the murder of US Ambassador Chris Stevens in Libya in 2012. “Even if she did have classified information on this computer there is nothing we can do now to undo any damage that theoretically might have been done,” Harf declared. “So we might as well drop the issue.”

Rep. Elijah Cummings (D-Md) echoed Harf’s view calling House Committee on Benghazi Chairman Rep. Trey Gowdy’s (R-SC) efforts to subpoena Clinton’s emails “a witch hunt and an invasion of privacy. As I understand it, Secretary Clinton used this email for everything—including planning the wedding of her daughter. Exposing such private and intimate details of this great family’s personal lives repeats the wrongs done by Kenneth Starr’s prurient interest in former President Clinton’s sex life. Isn’t it time we ended the persecution?”

Cummings also warned that “prying into these emails could have a chilling effect on the Clinton Foundation’s fund-raising. A lot of those making million dollar donations would prefer that their identities remain concealed. They don’t want some nosy Republicans sniffing out their names. Fear that this could happen acts as a disincentive to other prospective donors and stunts the rewards the Clintons can reap from their public service.”

Complicating the issue is Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s 2011 directive forbidding Department employees from using their personal email systems for government business because “personal email is more vulnerable to being hacked by foreign adversaries.” US Ambassador to Kenya Scott Gration was removed from office by Ms. Clinton for violating this directive.

In related news, Rep. Cummings may face criminal charges for his role in urging and aiding the IRS to illegally discriminate against conservative organizations in 2012. An unapologetic Cummings defended his actions as “a demonstration of my loyalty to President Obama and my willingness to ‘go the extra mile’ to protect him from his enemies.” He also boasted that “GOP efforts to get me will come to nothing. The President will veto any prosecution and if that doesn’t work he’ll pardon me if I’m ever convicted of anything.”

Controversial Imam Hired by DOJ Bureau of Prisons

Fouad El Bayly, an Egyptian-born imam who in 2007 said that Somali-born activist Ayaan Hirsi Ali should be killed, has been hired by the Department of Justice Bureau of Prisons to teach classes and provide leadership and guidance to Muslims who are in federal prison.

Bureau of Prisons Director Charles Samuels, Jr. sees no problem with hiring El Bayly, “as I understand it, Hirsi Ali is an apostate. Under the tenets of Islam she should be put to death. That El Bayly has said so merely demonstrates his bonafides as a genuine Muslim scholar. If anything, this should vindicate our selection of him to preach to fellow Muslims residing in federal prisons.”

Hirsi Ali is not only an apostate from Islam, she also wrote the script for Dutch director Theo van Gogh’s documentary–Submission—which connected so-called random acts of violence committed by Muslims with passages from Islam’s holy scripture. Van Gogh was murdered in the street by a Muslim for “insulting Islam.”

Barring a person from employment just because his religious beliefs contradict those with which Americans are more comfortable would be a violation of his Constitutional rights,” Samuels explained. “While our government may not yet be able to suppress anti-Muslim prejudices in the broader society, we can try to set an example by preventing these prejudices from interfering with how the government treats this besieged minority.”

Cruz Health Care Choice Act Labeled “Exercise in Futility”

This past week Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Tex) introduced his Health Care Choice Act. If enacted, this bill would repeal Obamacare’s insurance mandate and allow consumers to purchase a health insurance plan in any state. Cruz characterized his bill as “a true market-based reform that will make health insurance more personal and affordable, giving consumers the freedom to select plans that fit their needs from any vendor in America.”

Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest labeled the bill “an exercise in futility. We doubt he can get it past his own Party’s Congressional Leadership. The president is confident that either Senate Majority Leader McConnell or House Speaker Boehner will abort this baby before it sees the light of day. If by some freak circumstance they fail in their mission, the President will veto it.”

The title of Cruz’s bill tells you everything you need to know about why it’s wrong for America,” Earnest continued. “Choice is not the answer to this country’s health care crisis. We had choice before the Affordable Care Act was passed. That system failed because too many people chose not to buy insurance. The ACA solved that problem by making insurance compulsory.”

It is the President’s position that when people are allowed to choose they will not choose wisely,” Earnest said. “By relieving people from the burden of having to choose we are freeing them to devote their time and energy to more pleasurable pursuits. This new kind of freedom is the core goal of the President’s promised fundamental transformation of this country. He will not abide a turn backward toward out-dated concepts of freedom.”

Obama Unimpressed by Netanyahu Speech

While GOP members of Congress seemed mostly impressed by Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s speech on dealing with Iran, President Obama was not.

He didn’t say anything new,” Obama complained. “It was just the same old story about Jews being threatened with annihilation. Iranian officials may have said on several occasions that wiping Israel off the map was their goal, but I have a feeling that they’re just bluffing. Even if they aren’t I doubt that they could succeed where the much more powerful Nazi war machine did not.”

And even if the Iranians did wipe Israel off the map this doesn’t mean all of its people would necessarily perish,” the president argued. “Death is only one of three possible fates that the Jews would face. They could continue to live under Muslim rule as Jews by submitting and paying the jizya. Or they could convert. If the Jews are exterminated it will be due to their stubbornness and arrogance in continuing to occupy Muslim lands.”

From a broader perspective we should keep in mind the fact that Jews represent a very small portion of humanity—less than two-tenths of one percent, I think,” Obama added. “Even if every Jew were eliminated, natural growth of the global population would make up this loss in about two months. So, they’d scarcely be missed. In fact, the disappearance of this segment of humanity might usher in a more peaceful era. Other ancient peoples like the Hittites and Olmecs disappeared. Would it really be so bad if Jews also went extinct?”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) seconded the president’s sentiments pointing out that “there are ten times as many Iranians as there are Israelis. We shouldn’t get sucked into siding with the less populated and weaker nation. Surely the well-being of 77 million Iranians must take precedence over Israel’s six million Jews. Allowing Netanyahu to insult Iran from the podium in our Congress was a strategic mistake.”

IRS Insists Giving Tax Refunds to Illegal Aliens Is “the Least We Can Do”

The IRS has announced plans to follow up President Obama’s illegal grant of amnesty to persons in this country illegally with a program that will permit illegal aliens to receive tax refunds for taxes they never paid.

IRS Commissioner John Koskinen defended the move as “a necessary component of the President’s vision for America’s future. The vast majority of these immigrants are poor. They will need substantial help if the President’s dream of transforming our culture is to become a reality. Diverting some of America’s excess wealth to these people via tax refunds is one way of making this happen.”

Koskinen’s view was bolstered by President Obama’s speech celebrating the 50th anniversary of Martin Luther King’s Selma march. In the speech Obama said “giving amnestied illegal immigrants the same rights as citizens is a way of honoring Dr. King’s message of brotherhood and equality. President Lincoln freed the slaves from bondage, but a century of Jim Crow laws, discrimination and poverty continued to oppress African-Americans.”

Let’s not make the same mistake today,” Obama said. “I have opened the door to freedom for Latin American people oppressed by corrupt governments south of our border. Let’s not make these liberated millions live in the shadows of second-class status for a hundred years. Let’s accelerate their integration into our society by giving them the sustenance they need and the full rights of citizenship so they can be active participants in selecting the rulers who will govern us all.”

In light of the president’s recent remarks, I think everyone can agree that our plan to give them tax refunds is the least we can do,” Koskinen concluded.

In related news, the Government Accountability Office (GAO) reported that the federal government made nearly $125 billion in improper payments during fiscal year 2014. These are payments made for services not rendered, merchandise not received, and to recipients not eligible to receive the money. Nearly $18 billion in improper payments were made through the Earned Income Tax Credit (EITC)–the very mechanism by which the IRS proposes to pay tax refunds to amnestied illegal aliens.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

FCC Issues Secret Regulations for Internet

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnAnxious to rescue the Internet from what Federal Communications Chairman Tom Wheeler called a “regime of anarchy,” the FCC approved over 300 pages of new rules designed “to bring order to this disorderly segment of our society.”

Right now, pretty much anyone with access to the web can do or say whatever he wants,” Wheeler pointed out. “This is very distressing to President Obama. At his urging we have adopted rules modeled on policies laid down by our agency in the 1930s.”

While loath to go into specifics “so as not to lose the very useful element of surprise as we attack those who might abuse their liberty to deviate from what promotes the common good,” Wheeler acknowledged that “folks can be reassured that we will prohibit any and every individual or corporate action that we deem injurious to the nation’s collective well-being.”

Criticism that this move is “Obamacare for the Internet” failed to faze the FCC Chairman. “We don’t buy into the premise that Obamacare has been a failure,” he countered. “Many people who didn’t have health insurance before have it now. Those who have refused to obtain insurance are being punished. The health industry is being transformed. We’d be proud if we accomplish similar results in the field of communication.”

Senator Mike Lee (R-Utah) expressed his doubts that “subjecting what has thus far been a very dynamic feature of modern life to oversight by nameless, faceless, unelected bureaucrats will lead to good results. The pace of innovation is bound to be slowed by bureaucratic supervision. Lower quality and higher prices seem certain.”

Lower quality and higher prices are not the unmitigated evil that advocates of anarchy like Senator Lee would have everyone believe,” Wheeler contended. “If the trade-off is a fairer system, I think the average person would gladly make that exchange.”

President Takes Defiant Stand on Amnesty

President Obama announced that “we have expanded my authorities,” and bragged that “my enemies are powerless to stop me from going forward with what is right for America.”

One of the “enemies” the President cited with scorn “is that Texas judge who thinks a court order can prevail against me. If President Jackson could defy the Supreme Court why should I have to heed a mere district judge? I am Commander-in-Chief of the world’s most powerful army. The nation’s largest police force—the FBI—works for me. What resources does Judge Hanen control?”

Obama warned that “those who contradict my directives must know that they will face consequences for their disobedience. The excuse that my directives do not comply with existing statutes will not get anyone off the hook. Those who work for the federal government put their jobs at risk. Those who don’t can still be harassed by the swarms of officers I can send to eat out their substance.”

The President also dared Congress to “pass a law aimed at reining in my expanded authorities and I will veto it. My veto will not be overridden because a sufficient number of congressmen agree with the revisions I am making to existing laws. We are in concert that adherence to out-dated processes should not stand in the way of doing what is morally right. History will show that the bold leadership of one man is a simpler and more efficient way to run the country.”

In related news, the Administration cited the President’s newly expanded authorities in the disbursement of $3 billion to health insurers to help cover losses under the Obamacare program. Treasury Secretary Jack Lew explained that “an adjustment to the Affordable Care Act was necessitated by Congress’ failure to fully indemnify insurers against losses under the program.” Lew dismissed the objection that only Congress is empowered to appropriate federal money as “overly formalistic. Slavish devotion to arcane procedures shouldn’t outweigh the responsibility to do the right thing. Fortunately, we have a president who understands this.”

Departing AG Laments Difficulty of Making Case for Civil Rights Abuses

Citing the difficulties his office encountered in pursuing charges against George Zimmerman and Darren Wilson, retiring Attorney General Eric Holder urged that changes be made in order to make it easier for the government to bring and win civil rights cases.

The ‘beyond reasonable doubt’ standard is too daunting,” Holder complained. “Does anyone seriously doubt that there was an element of racial bias in the shootings of Trayvon Martin and Michael Brown? In my opinion, centuries of the oppression of minorities in this country proves that racism is deeply embedded in the culture. It would be unreasonable to presume that racism did not play a role in the deaths of these two young men.”

Holder suggested that “to better balance the ‘scales of justice’ we need to be allowed to look at the whole history of race relations in order to place recent killings of Black men into context. The long run conduct of whites toward Blacks establishes a pattern of behavior that could generally be described as criminal. Fitting the actions of Zimmerman and Wilson into this pattern proves that a lengthy criminal conspiracy by whites against Blacks is ongoing. It should have been Zimmerman’s and Wilson’s burden to conclusively prove that they are not part of this conspiracy to escape a finding that they violated the civil rights of Martin and Brown.”

In related news, Holder’s temporary grant of authority to the Director of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives (BATFE) to seize and “administratively forfeit” property was made permanent. “Having to go to court to seize property is time-consuming and tiresome,” Holder said. “Seizing property and forcing the previous owner to go to court and prove that it should not have been seized is more efficient. Many of those dispossessed will lack the resources or will to contest the seizure. Selling the seized property can provide revenue for the Agency without having to go through the cumbersome congressional appropriations process.”

Executive Action Underway to Ban Bullets

President Obama has ordered the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives (BATFE) to write a regulation banning 5.56mm ammo. This is the type of bullet used in the AR-15 style semi-automatic—the top-selling rifle in the country.

BATFE Director B. Todd Jones characterized the proposed new rule as “pure genius on the part of the President. The Second Amendment guarantees the right to bear arms. It doesn’t say anything about ammunition. By going after the bullets we skirt all the arguments the NRA uses to block government’s efforts to disarm the public.”

Chairman of the House Judiciary Committee, Rep. Bob Goodlatte (R-Va) called Jones’ reasoning “lame. It makes no sense to separate the weapon from the ammunition. For the Amendment to effectively protect the citizens’ right to self defense it must protect both the firearm and the bullets.”

Jones attempted to rebut Goodlatte’s argument by asserting that “the need for self defense in our modern society is taken care of by the police. Since the police will be exempt from the ban their ability to defend the general population will be unimpeded by the new regulation.”

The AR-15 is a particularly inappropriate weapon for ordinary citizens to own,” Jones maintained. “It is the type of firearm that is more properly within the sphere of the military. If such weapons are in the hands of the general public it conveys a notion of possible opposition to the government in a quasi-military way. It could give people the idea that using these weapons to oppose their government is a possibility. The President was emphatic about derailing such an idea by any means possible. That’s what we intend to do.”

Lawyers for Accused Boston Marathon Bomber Demand Charges Be Dropped

Lawyers for Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, the person accused of complicity in the Boston Marathon bombing, are demanding that charges against their client be dropped.

The law guarantees every person accused of a crime will be judged by a jury of his peers,” said Judith Mizner, lead attorney for the defense. “Mr. Tsarnaev’s peers are his fellow jihadis. None of them can set foot in the courtroom without fear of being arrested. Consequently, Mr. Tsarnaev’s fundamental civil right to a jury of his peers cannot be fulfilled. His indictment should be dismissed.”

The federal appeals court in Massachusetts, though, denied Mizner’s request. “Brought to its logical conclusion, the defense’s argument would insist that only criminals could sit on juries hearing criminal cases,” the Court wrote in rendering its ruling. “The ‘peers’ requirement is considered met as long as a jury can be randomly selected from a pool of citizens in the jurisdiction.”

The Court’s decision, though, was not unanimous. Judge Juan Torruella wrote in a dissent that “in light of the fact that the crime for which the defendant is being tried was a random attack in a public place, any member of the community may consider himself or herself a target. It is impossible to draw an unbiased jury from such a pool. Further, the crime is so notorious that it is unlikely that an untainted jury pool can be found within the United States. The request to dismiss the indictment and switch the venue to the Islamic State should have been granted.”

In related news, Benjamin Wagner, U.S. Attorney for California’s Eastern District, averred that “an anti-Muslim backlash is, in the Administration’s view, a greater threat than terrorism itself. Our best estimate is that about 150 Americans have joined ISIL. In contrast, there are around 300 million guns in the hands of private citizens in this country. A significant percentage of these armed citizens are likely to harbor ill will toward President Obama. Dealing with this clearly has to take precedence over worrying about the comparatively smaller risk we face from Muslim extremists.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Government Panel Calls for Measures to Upgrade Our Health

BJohn Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThe Dietary Guidelines Advisory Committee (DGAC) issued a 571 page report outlining its recommendations for transforming Americans’ health. Citing persistent high levels of overweight and obesity, the report proposed “strategies across multiple settings, including health care, communities, schools, work sites, and families.”

First Lady Michelle Obama hailed the report as “the guiding light toward a healthier and happier America. The notion that individuals can be left on their own to choose what they eat and how much to exercise has proven to be a failure. DGAC’s call for ‘trained interventionists’ to take charge is the right message at the right time.”

These “interventions” are expected to include “limiting access to high calorie foods, censoring advertisements for unhealthy choices, and punitive taxes on foods with high sugar or salt content.” The DGAC report also urged a shift toward a more vegetarian diet. “While most people have a very negative view of the role Adolf Hitler has played in human history, one thing that is repeatedly overlooked was his dedication to vegetarianism,” the report said. “His efforts to set an example that others might follow is an under appreciated aspect of his contribution toward a healthier human race—both in terms of what we put in our bodies and in the positive impact on global climate change that a shift away from meat consumption would accomplish.”

What people ingest is only part of the problem,” the First Lady pointed out. “Too many of us camp out in front of the TV and neglect to get enough exercise. We have the means now to track everything people watch and how much time they spend watching it. We can use this information to target individuals needing more external influence over their choices for how they use their leisure time.”

The DGAC report characterized personal health as “a human right that the government must guarantee to everyone, whether they want it or not. Individual deviation from healthy choices affects the collective well-being of others. Deterring this deviationism is a crucial step toward a healthier society.”

Beheadings in Libya Said to Vindicate Obama’s Warning

The Islamic State’s claim that the beheading of 21 Egyptian Christians was justified as vengeance for the Crusades was cited by US Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest “as a total vindication of the President’s speech at the National Prayer Breakfast two weeks ago.”

That a cycle of violence initiated by Christians centuries ago would come back to haunt practitioners of that faith today should not have been unexpected,” Earnest maintained. “The Crusaders killed hundreds of thousands of Muslims. The ISIL reprisals in Libya were modest and restrained in comparison. Once again, the President’s wisdom and insight have clarified what others have either failed to see or have attempted to distort.”

Earnest also chided those who have lampooned deputy spokesperson for the US Department of State, Marie Harf’s suggestion that the long run remedy for dealing with Islamic terrorism is to give them jobs. “Even if we ignore the possibility that a job might remove the incentive for violence, it should be obvious that the hours a person is working for a wage are hours that are unavailable for engaging in jihad,” Earnest argued.

Whether the Obama Administration’s plan to offer would-be jihadis jobs has any chance of success was thrown into doubt by reports from Uruguay that Gitmo detainees released to that country are refusing to accept employment. Abu Wa’el, one of the former detainees, went on TV to reject the idea that he and his comrades should join the workforce. “We are fighters for Allah,” he boasted. “We cannot waste our time laboring like kafirs. In a just world they would be serving us as our price for letting them live.”

Wa’el demands that “the Uruguayan government should bear the cost of our upkeep so that we can remain free to work toward the ultimate victory of Islam.” President of Uruguay Pepe Mujica is said to be ruing what he thought would be a humanitarian gesture of gaining these men their release from an American prison. “Their evil intent is moderated only by their sloth,” Mujica lamented. “I now fear we will never dislodge this wretched refuse from our shores.”

In related news, CNN host Carol Costello asserted that “right wing extremists are more dangerous than ISIS. As bad as ISIS might be perceived, there is no risk that they will topple our government. Despite their rhetoric, even they must understand that anyone who would succeed President Obama would be much less sympathetic to their cause. Right wingers, on the other hand, wouldn’t think twice about bringing down the Obama Administration. Clearly, they are the greater threat to our government.”

Democrat Defends Obama’s “Tough Love” for America

In the wake of his questioning of President Obama’s love for this country, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani is catching flak from Democratic National Committee chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz.

This kind of comment is unwelcome and dangerous,” Schultz said. “The President is the most powerful person on the planet. Insulting him like this is tantamount to poking a lion with a stick. What can Giuliani be thinking?”

“What people need to understand is that President Obama is not a ‘rah-rah’ or ‘God bless America’ type of patriot,” Schultz explained. “He’s just the only president to be completely honest about how bad America and its people have been to humanity. This nation’s history of slavery and discrimination have forever besmirched its reputation. No Republican would’ve had the courage to be so honest.”

“Neither would any Republican dare to assail the selfishness of the successful as forthrightly as President Obama has,” Schultz continued. “Their hesitancy to face the need for the government to seize the superfluous wealth of those lucky enough to have the energy, motivation, and intelligence to thrive in the marketplace is a mark of their cowardice.’

“The President’s love for this country is what we call ‘tough love,’” Schultz concluded. “He’s not afraid to kick our asses and demand that we be better than we want to be. For a slacker like Giuliani to show such disrespect to the President for doing what he has to do to shape us up is horrible.”

One American whose ass was kicked in a demonstration of government’s “tough love” is 71-year-old Barronelle Stutzman. Stutzman is set to lose her home and life’s savings for refusing to sell flowers to a couple for their gay wedding. Benton County Superior Court Judge Alex Ekstrom ruled that “the fact that the couple had no problem obtaining flowers from another vendor doesn’t mitigate the fact that she broke the law—which allows for no exceptions due to religious beliefs. The severity of her punishment serves as a deterrent to others who might place their own opinions ahead of the dictates of the statute.”

Vice-President Joe Biden praised Ekstrom’s ruling saying “it’s the kind of bitter medicine we must force down the throats of those who use the Bible as an excuse to defy the government’s creation of new human rights for formerly oppressed persons. It is my devout wish that the ruin inflicted on this grandmother, as well as others who espouse this kind of hate, will prompt the obedience the President is trying to instill across the land. Without obedience there can be no fundamental transformation.”

Court Ruling Won’t Impede Amnesty

U.S. District Court for the Southern District of Texas, Judge Andrew Hanen’s ruling against the Obama Administration’s unilateral rewriting of the nation’s immigration laws has Democrats incensed. Hanen demolished the Administration’s contention that President Obama’s actions were within his “prosecutorial discretion.” “It is within the President’s discretion not to prosecute individuals who have broken our laws,” the Judge said. “It is not within his discretion to create new laws without Congressional legislation.”

Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson vowed to press ahead regardless of the ruling. “The opinion of a single judge in Texas can’t overturn the decision of the President to revamp the way this country handles immigration,” Johnson decreed. “President Obama was elected by the people to be the sovereign ruler of the United States. Hanen wasn’t elected by anyone. The scope of his authority does not entitle him to scrutinize, much less void, the actions taken by the President.”

Rep. Luis Gutierrez (D-IL) predicted that “this court’s ruling will be ignored. The immigrants will continue to come and the President will provide them with the papers they need to establish themselves as full citizens. A tidal wave of their votes will sweep all amnesty opponents out of office in 2016.”

Mexico’s Foreign Minister José Antonio Meade Kuribreña denounced the court ruling calling it “a futile attempt to derail the reconquista. No one will obey it. With the assistance of President Obama, our people will reclaim the lands stolen from Mexico by President Polk and his army in 1848.”

In related news, Rep. Keith Ellison (D-MN) demanded federal legislation that would bar states from requiring voters to be registered. “Voting should be a universal human right,” Ellison claimed. “No state should be allowed to restrict any human from exercising this right. The whole process should be simple—every human who shows up at the polls should be given a ballot to cast.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Amnesty ‘Loophole’ May Allow Illegals to Vote

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnSecretaries of state from Ohio and Kansas say that the documents—driver’s licenses and Social Security numbers—being provided to the illegal immigrants granted amnesty by President Obama open a “loophole” that will make it easy for these non-citizens to vote in our elections.

Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest questioned the characterization of potential voting by these persons as a “loophole. I would say it would be more accurately described as a ‘feature’ of the President’s executive action regarding the ‘dreamers’ he is trying to aid.”

Earnest also took issue with the premise that the “dreamers” being granted these privileges are “non-citizens. The President’s intent is to bring these people out of the shadows and into the light by normalizing their status. An important part of the normalization process is having the right to exercise all the privileges extended to other Americans—including voting.”

Excluding these folks from voting would shut them out from enjoying the very basic human right of participating in the selection of those who rule them,” Earnest declared. “That would be tyranny. This country is indeed fortunate that a person able to break free of the prejudices and out-dated constraints that have hampered previous presidents has taken the bold step of decreeing a new reality.”

The Press Secretary expressed the hope that “these secretaries of state won’t take the same futile obstructionist road that the Alabama Supreme Court attempted to take on gay marriage. Voluntary cooperation in the issuance of key state documents like driver’s licenses and voter registration is preferred, but the President will not hesitate to enforce compliance if that cooperation is resisted or delayed.”

In related news, the Obama Administration has ordered U.S. Border Patrol agents to release illegals driving under the influence of alcohol or drugs. The directive signed by outgoing Attorney General Eric Holder warned agents “not to impose American standards of sobriety on persons raised in a different culture. Yankee imperialism must not spread its tentacles into places where it doesn’t belong.”

UN Official: Capitalism Must Be Destroyed for Sake of Planet

In remarks to an inner cadre of the U.N.’s Framework Convention on Climate Change, Executive Secretary Christiana Figueres, maintained that “economic progress since the Industrial Revolution has gone too far. The Earth is in danger of being overrun by unconstrained prosperity.”

Capitalists like to contend that the increased life expectancies and material well-being of billions of people is some sort of proof that the system is a good thing,” Figueres said. “But they are wrong. Billions more humans living longer lives in greater luxury is a problem, not a benefit.”

There is no objective evidence proving that people living longer is better in a collective sense for all the biota of the planet,” Figueres continued. “What about all of the other animals and plants whose lives may have been made worse off by the success of this one species?”

Nether is there any objective proof that the freedom and opportunity the market system imposes on people is a source of happiness,” Figueres argued. “Freedom and opportunity force people to make choices. If these choices don’t turn out well, people may experience guilt or regret. Failures would then be largely an individual’s own fault. If we transition to a system where the important decisions are made for people by ruling authorities we will relieve them of their feelings of guilt and regret. Their suffering wouldn’t be their own fault.”

Figueres hailed the anti-global warming movement as “an ingenious innovation in social thought. World leaders and the media have done a masterful job of elevating normal climate fluctuations into a crisis justifying stern government measures to rein-in the excesses of human achievement. This will make the necessary culling of the human herd in order to save the planet an attainable goal within the next decade or two.”

Walker’s Lack of College Degree Called “Disqualifying”

Unsuccessful presidential candidate and former Governor Howard Dean (D-Vt) assailed Wisconsin’s Republican Governor Scott Walker’s lack of a college degree as “disqualifying. Given the complex world we live in, America needs to be led by only the most highly educated men and women. The fate of the nation can’t be entrusted to a guy who couldn’t hack it and dropped out.”

Look, college in the 1980s, when Walker was a student, wasn’t that hard,” Dean argued. “Even the minimally competent could get a degree. A person would’ve had to be incredibly dumb or unmotivated not to have been able to finish. Why should voters want such a guy?”

As “proof of his dumbness,” Dean cited Walker’s unwillingness to comment on evolution. “Do we really want a president who dodges such an important issue?” Dean asked. Dean characterized Walker’s stance that the topic of evolution was not within the bounds of the legitimate authority of any government position, as “a smoke screen. The nation’s president is a moral as well as a political leader. The people have a right to know whether he accepts the common core of beliefs agreed upon by our best and brightest minds.”

Friends say Dean’s rancor toward Walker shows he is still bitter about 2004, “when the best educated person to ever seek the presidency was edged out of the Democratic nomination by a pompous ass who then turned around and lost to an ignorant Texas yokel—a sequence of events that forever shamed America.”

In related news, veteran Democratic strategist Pat Caddell castigated his Party as “dictator to the common man. They must be using Orwell’s Big Brother as their role model.”

Islamic State Files Slander Suit against Obama, Kerry

Incensed that the President Barack Obama and Secretary of State John Kerry have damaged their reputation by falsely claiming that Islam is a religion of peace, attorneys for the Islamic State have filed a defamation of character suit in the District of Columbia Federal Court.

The unrelenting attempt to portray our righteous slaughter of unbelievers and apostates as contrary to the will of Allah and the tenets of Islam is a slander of the worst kind,” insisted attorney Muhammad Baddman. “Islam is the religion of the sword. The Quran commands the faithful to make war on all who resist the Prophet’s message. We are the true adherents of his message, not the kafirs occupying the Obama Administration.”

One of the biggest lies propagated by Kerry and Obama regards the linguistic root for the word Islam,” Baddman asserted. “They claim it comes from the word salām (peace), when in actuality it comes from words meaning submission. We follow the sharia. We pray five times daily as prescribed. We strike the necks of the infidels and unbelievers. Our right to define Islam is fully supported by our obedience to scripture.”

The suit asks that the Court order Kerry and Obama to “cease and desist their campaign to misrepresent Islam and to award monetary damages in an amount sufficient to compensate the Islamic State for expenses incurred in its efforts to correct the misrepresentation—including, but not limited to the costs of acquiring, housing, and executing hostages, as well as the costs of both subjugating unbelievers and fending off interference from US Armed Forces.”

In related news, Former Clinton Administration Secretary of State Madeleine Albright denounced Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s planned speech to Congress next month as “the worse invasion of US sovereignty since the British burned the White House in 1814.” Albright expressed her approval of President Obama’s efforts to deal with the threat by sending help to Netanyahu’s political opponents. “It’s a peaceful and restrained response. The President could’ve just sent a drone to take him out. That he didn’t is further validation of the Nobel Peace Prize he won in 2009.”

FEC Mulling Plan to Limit Political Blogging

Concerned that “the low cost of Internet communications could adversely impact candidates who communicate by legitimate regulated paid media,” the Federal Elections Commission is considering regulations that would place a cap on blogs and tweets that conforms with campaign finance rules.

Under the proposed scheme, the FEC would estimate the monetary value of every political comment made on these media. Once the accumulated value of comments reached the ceiling for contributions to a candidate or ballot measure, the blogger or tweeter would be ordered to stop making any additional comments prior to election day. Failure to do so would subject the offender to triple damages.

FEC Chairwoman Ann Ravel characterized the move as “one of simple fairness. The hard work of candidates like Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush raising money for media buys shouldn’t be diluted by the cheap shots taken by unregulated bloggers and tweeters. We can’t let our election process devolve into some sort of free-for-all where anyone can say whatever he wants without limitation. It just wouldn’t be right.”

In related news, the United States dropped to 49th in the annual World Press Freedom Ranking just published by Reporters Without Borders. This is lower than countries like Malta, Niger, Burkino Faso, El Salvador, Tonga, Chile and Botswana, none of which are covered by the First Amendment to the US Constitution. Press Secretary Josh Earnest sought to downplay the news by reminding that “at least we’re still in the top 50.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.