Category Archives: John Semmens

School Board to Add Masturbation to Kindergarten Curriculum

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Folder2 104The Las Vegas School Board has drafted a new sex education curriculum that has some parents alarmed. Part of the new curriculum includes teaching kindergartners and pre-schoolers how to masturbate.

Clark County School Superintendent Pat Skorkowsky called the plan “common sense. Rather than have these students learn about this in back alleys and lavatories we’re bringing it out into the open.”

Skokowsky tried to reassure parents, telling them that “trained professionals from places like the Mustang Ranch will be brought in to conduct the demonstrations. Only the most tried and effective techniques will be displayed. Enabling our students to efficiently achieve sexual self satisfaction will better prepare them for life.”

A side benefit, according to the Superintendent “is a projected decline in unwanted pregnancies when these kids are teenagers. If they learn that they can attain orgasm without needing a partner they’re less likely to engage in dangerous liaisons with members of the opposite sex.”

Liberal Blogger Says Obamacare a “Hidden Success Story”

Ezra Klein, editor of the on-line blog Vox, maintains that “continuing reports of Obamacare failures and deficiencies are being exaggerated by the media. The reality is that the program is a roaring success.”

People who have been forced to obtain a new plan at a higher cost are overlooking the broader social gains the Affordable Care Act has brought to America,” Klein argued. “Those who focus on only their own experiences are myopically selfish in their outlook. The truth is that a vast number of people who previously lacked health insurance are now qualified for government-subsidized health care.”

Klein characterized the complaints as “mostly from individuals who are disgruntled over having to bear a fairer share of the medical costs of those less well off than themselves. If we are to secure the blessings of social justice for ourselves and posterity those who can must help those who can’t help themselves. Labeling those who can’t as lazy isn’t a valid rationale for not helping them. Some people are genetically predisposed to be energetic. Others are not. Winning the DNA lottery cannot be used as an argument for denying the losers an equitable piece of the human pie.”

We need a sort of Miranda-type policy for health care,” Klein asserted. “If the minority who find themselves in need of an attorney they can’t afford have one provided to them at government expense, then surely the much larger contingent of persons in need of medical care they can’t afford ought to have similar rights to have doctors and hospitals provided for them at government expense. In an ideal world, the government would ensure that everyone’s needs were met and that all who are able work to their utmost to fulfill these needs.”

Clinton Forecasts New Corporate Ethic

Former President Bill Clinton told a gathering of Democrats that “the phenomenon of businesses grubbing for profit will wane in the coming years. Corporate leaders with the appropriate guidance from government will turn away from the selfish pursuit of gains for stockholders and toward a role that advances social justice.”

Clinton denied that there was any hypocrisy in his stance seeing that his own estimated net worth exceeds $100 million and his fees for giving speeches are in the six to seven figure range. “It is important that those of us with a clear vision of where society needs to go are not hampered by lack of resources to get the message out,” he said. “People who truly understand our agenda wouldn’t begrudge us the means to make it happen.”

The ex-prez expressed confidence that “the American voters appreciate what we’re trying to do. I think they’ll help grant Hillary the power she needs by electing her the next president in 2016.”

Holder Resigns as AG

Eric Holder announced that he is stepping down as the nation’s Attorney General. The ingratitude of the American people and the constant criticisms of Republicans were cited as compelling reasons for quitting.

Though I’ve done more than any previous Attorney General to reshape the way our laws are enforced I am badgered by contentions that I have veered too far outside the legitimate bounds of my authority,” Holder groused. “History will show that these bounds were too narrow if true justice is to be obtained. Nevertheless, as important as this crusade for people’s justice remains, I am exhausted.”

Representative Darrel Issa (R-Calif) dismissed Holder’s complaints as “a diversion. Holder has clearly been the worst AG this nation has ever had. There is no doubt in my mind that he has been intimately involved in a variety of DOJ misdeeds and cover-ups. Had he stayed on it was just a matter of time before he’d have been compelled to testify or, like so many of his co-conspirators, take the 5th to avoid doing so.”

Racial justice expert Al Sharpton says that “while I regret that this great civil servant has been forced from office for trying to do the right thing, I will work with President Obama to select the best replacement possible.”

One potential person Sharpton said he is considering recommending is actor Jamie Foxx. “Those who saw him in Django Unchained know that he will be an uncompromising enforcer of both the written and unwritten laws the President is trying to give to America,” Sharpton declared. “He would strike fear into racists everywhere. They would know that he wouldn’t hesitate to take direct action to bring them down, that the days of white officers gunning down black men are over. We’ll see how they like it when the tables are turned.”

People Shouldn’t Want to Live Past Age 75

Dr. Ezekiel Emanuel, one of the chief architects of the Affordable Care Act, says people should want to die at age 75.

Let’s face it, the vast majority of those over age 75 have nothing positive to contribute to society,” Emanuel wrote in an essay for Atlantic. “In both physical and mental terms they’re pretty accurately described as ‘decepit.’ Their bodies and minds are just rotting in their shells.”

It would be best if they could be persuaded to exit peacefully at their own hand—perhaps with the aid of a physician-prescribed suicide drug,” Emanuel suggested. “Heaven knows this would be more humane and cost-effective than stringing out their years with expensive medical treatments that exact a heavy toll on society’s scarce resources.”

The lingering presence of humanity’s dead weight threatens to bankrupt our health care system,” the essay added. “It may be necessary to limit these oldsters’ claims on that system. Fortunately, the mechanisms in place under the Affordable Care Act already authorize the Secretary of the Department of Health and Human Services to carry out a triage process that will allocate access to medical treatments. No longer will we remain helpless slaves to an ideology that permits individual selfishness to trump the collective good of society.”

US Forrest Service to Charge for Taking Pictures of Trees

Hungry for a means to supplement is budget, the US Forrest Service is proposing new regulations that would allow it to charge visitors $1500 if they want to take pictures in wilderness areas.

Liz Close, the Forest Service’s acting wilderness director, called the new fees “essential to our mission. These wilderness areas belong to the government. Why shouldn’t we get revenue from what is our property?”

Close warned against thinking that “these areas are too vast for us to enforce collection. We are watching from both the ground and the air. Rangers randomly patrol with orders to seize any cameras used by persons who cannot show that they have paid the fee. Airborne drones can cover extensive acreage and help guide ground forces to intercept illicit photographers throughout our territory.”

For now, drone launched missiles are not part of the plan, but could be deployed in the future if needed. “It has already been established that the President has the authority to order the use of deadly force against American citizens without having to go through cumbersome judicial channels,” Close pointed out. “So, if more restrained methods prove inadequate we can always up the ante.”

President Downplays Traffic Woes Caused by His Motorcades

As usual, President Obama’s recent trip to the United Nations to give a speech sparked tremendous traffic jams in New York City. Not to worry, though, it’s not so bad.

I hear a lot of hype about New York traffic, but it didn’t look too bad to me,” the President said. “All the stories of bumper-to-bumper, stop-and-go traffic that I’ve heard showed no signs on my trip to the UN.”

While Obama did concede that his experience may have been abnormal compared to what ordinary drivers have to deal with, he insisted that “putting up with a little extra congestion when I’m in town is a price that loyal Americans should willingly pay. They recognize that my time is more valuable than their time. A million trips each taking an additional 10 minutes of a common person’s time are easily outweighed by 10 minutes of my time that is saved by barricading all the streets along my route from the airport to my destination.”

As proof of his assertion, the President reminded everyone that “New York City went heavily for me in both presidential elections. I think this shows the people of this city understand the sacrifices required of them.”

ISIS Urges Muslims to “Rise up and Kill Disbelievers”

Enraged that President Obama Secretary of State John Kerry continue to maintain that the Islamic State is not Islamic, ISIS spokesman Abu Muhammad al-Adnani called upon Muslims around the world to randomly select and slay disbelievers.

These ignorant men know nothing about Islam if they persist in uttering these slanders,” al-Adnani fumed. “They may hide behind bodyguards, bullet-proof glass, or the entire armed forces of their country, but the people who elected them cannot escape the fury of the faithful. They walk around oblivious to the knives, guns, and bombs that righteous Muslims will kill them with.”

Al-Adnani had high praise for “the heroic action of Alton Nolen who has heeded our call and attacked two unbelievers in Oklahoma. The American police can insist all they want that these are not religiously inspired executions, but everyone knows better.”

There is only one way for people to save their lives,” al-Adnani said. “There is only one path to peace. All must come over to the Islamic faith. They must cease their resistance to Allah’s will. They must lay down their arms and submit. Only then will they be safe from destruction.”

Cities Step Up Efforts to Crush Deviant Behavior

The Seattle City Council passed a new ordinance that will fine people for throwing away too much food. The concern is that this discarded food should be composted rather than just trashed.

Our growth rate for recycling has stalled,” complained Council member Sally Bagshaw. “The notion of some city residents that they need not participate in this effort is erroneous. A successful program requires the full compliance of every citizen.”

To enforce the stricter rules the City will empower trash collectors to examine a family’s discards to determine whether any items found could have been recycled. “We’ve taken voluntary obedience about as far as it can go,” Bagshaw said. “We must not shy away from using the ‘stick’ if that is what it takes to keep people in line.”

Meanwhile, in Montville, New Jersey, the town council is mulling over an ordinance that would authorize police to conduct warrant-less searches of private dwellings in a bid to curb underage drinking.

The theory that this might be an unconstitutional invasion of privacy is invalidated by the fact that cities in this state have enacted 300 similar ordinances,” Montville attorney Fred Semrau contended. “The four walls of a home should not serve to conceal illegal consumption of alcohol.”

As for any damage that might occur when police break into private teenage drinking parties, Semrau laid the responsibility on the parents. “If parents would exert proper control over their children external interventions like this wouldn’t be necessary.”

RFK Jr. Demands Censorship of Climate Skeptics

Environmental activist Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. opined that those skeptical of the dangers of climate change ought to be silenced.

I’m really tired of arguing with these people,” Kennedy complained. “It’s a drain on my energy. It takes time away from restructuring society along more socially beneficial lines.”

Kennedy suggested that “climate skeptics should be put on trial at the Hague as ‘war criminals.’ Whether people realize it or not, we are at war for the planet’s future. On one side are those who want to save the planet. On the other are people who want to stop us from saving the planet.”

If we don’t save the planet everyone will die,” Kennedy continued. “The actions that would lead to such a catastrophe are a worse crime than any committed by Hitler. So why should these climate change deniers be treated any more leniently than we would’ve treated Hitler had he not committed suicide?”

Veep Says Tea Party “Worse than Republicans”

Vice-President Joe Biden castigated the Tea Party as “worse than Republicans. Democrats have their differences with the GOP, but we all agree on the need for the strong hand of government to control things. The Tea Party, though, is just anti-government. They don’t just want to take turns in the driver’s seat. They want to dismantle the machine and turn individuals loose to fend for themselves.”

To help illustrate his point, Biden pointed out that “House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) was recently quoted saying that he is Obama’s best friend. You’ll never hear something like that from a Tea Party guy. In my book, anyone who can’t be friends with the President is a danger to this country.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Dem Operative Says Obama Planning ‘October Surprise’

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Folder2 104Long-time Democratic Party operative Bob Beckel says GOP hopes of taking control of both Houses of Congress will be thwarted by an “October surprise.”

Republicans who are counting on the President’s unpopularity to spark a vote against Congressional Democrats are in for a rude awakening,” Beckel predicted. “On Sunday, November 2nd President Obama will go on national TV and announce his resignation. Relieved of this albatross, embattled Democrats should be able to cruise to the finish line on top on November 4th.”

Then on the third day, November 5th, President Obama will rise like Jesus did, and resume his role as the country’s leader,” Beckel bragged. “The genius of the plan is that just saying you resign on TV is not an official act under our laws. It is analogous to a political promise—it has no weight and can be broken at the discretion of the promise-maker. Meanwhile, the objective of the phony resignation will have been accomplished: the Democrats retain control of the Senate and take back the majority in the House.”

Beckel conceded that a November announcement wasn’t strictly an October surprise, but argued that “it fits the spirit of the concept while employing Obama’s uniquely persuasive political talents. Remember, he got into office in 2008 by promising hope and change. Even though the changes he’s introduced have not brought hope to the majority of Americans, voters still reelected him in 2012. This ploy will enable him to turn the tables on the GOP and add dozens of Republican Congressional scalps to his belt.”

A different take on the Democrats’ election chances was offered by First Lady Michelle Obama who ventured that “once voters reflect on the real achievements Barack has made and yet may make they’ll give him the Democratic Congressional majorities he needs to finish the job.”

Among the achievements listed by Michelle were “allowing millions to permanently leave the work-a-day rat race of full time employment and enjoy more leisure time without having to worry where their next meal is coming from. More Americans than ever before are getting free food, free housing, free cell phones…you name it. And plans are underway to ensure that those who need it will get free cars. Voters can punch their tickets to this paradise by filling Congress with as many Democrats as they can.”

Student Punished for Sharing His Lunch

Weaverville Elementary School eighth grader Kyle Bradford was sent to detention for sharing his burrito with another student.

Tom Barnett, the Superintendent of the Trinity Alps Unified School District explained that “there is a district wide policy that prohibits students from exchanging the meals that the school provides. In this particular instance Mr. Bradford’s apparent act of kindness was undermining the school’s food allocation decisions.”

The student Bradford gave half of his burrito to had been “allocated” a cheese sandwich that was not to his liking. Bradford was unimpressed by the school’s rationale and undeterred regarding potential future food sharing. “If a friend wants a portion of my meal I would definitely share with him,” he said.

Barnett characterized Bradford’s stance as “an invitation to anarchy. A 13 year old is not qualified to decide who should eat what. That decision is reserved to school nutrition experts. We will not hesitate to use progressively severe sanctions if that is what it takes to attain the compliance we require. If detentions don’t get the message across there is always suspension or expulsion. Students must learn that obedience is not optional.”

In related news, Ramay Junior High School in Fayetteville, Arkansas ordered 13-year-old Chloe Rubiano to remove her “virginity rocks” t-shirt. Principal Matt Saferite, winner of Arkansas’ Principal of the Year for Secondary Schools last year, explained that “the message on the shirt is an implied criticism of students who were unable to attain that goal. It’s a sort of reverse scarlet letter that can harm some students’ self esteem.”

Female Democrat Heavyweights Assert “Congress Is out of Touch on Women’s Issues”

A roundtable discussion at the Center for American Progress agreed that “Congress is out of touch on women’s issues.” Contributors to this conclusion included former Secretary of State and aspiring Democratic presidential contender Hillary Clinton, Democratic Sens. Kirsten Gillibrand (NY) and Patty Murray (Wash), House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (Calif), and Rep. Rosa DeLauro (Conn).

Women bear nearly 100% of the physical burden of procreation, yet do not exercise 100% of the power to determine how these children shall be raised and cared for,” Clinton observed. “Women who are married have to share authority with their children’s fathers. This cultivates feelings of dependency that eat away at women’s self esteem.”

Sen. Murray pointed out that “while all children have equal needs, not all have access to equal resources. The children of fathers with good jobs can enjoy a more enriched life experience. Children whose fathers are absent, unemployed, or in jail are deprived of their rightful share of life’s bounties.”

Rep. Pelosi suggested that “a just society would even out the discrepancies. Ideally, all earnings from all fathers would be put into a common pool and be doled out based on children’s needs. Children wouldn’t be penalized because their fathers were inadequate providers. The more productive fathers’ outputs would be shared more broadly rather than be used to spoil their own offspring.”

Sen. Gillibrand warned that “we mustn’t get hung up on the idea that every woman wants to be a mother. If Congress really respected women it would fully guarantee that every one of them can obtain an abortion at her own discretion. Our only hope of bringing this fundamental principle of justice to America is to support Democrats at every level of government. We must end the obstructionism and patriarchy embodied in the Republican Party.”

Attorney General Calls for More Racial Balance in People Police Shoot

Referencing the events in Ferguson, Missouri, US Attorney General Eric Holder called for more racial balance in the people police shoot.

What we had in Ferguson was a white officer shooting a Black teenager,” Holder recounted. “When we look at over all statistics, white officers shooting African-Americans is disproportional to their representation in the population. This establishes a prima facie case that racism is playing a role in the use of deadly force.”

We need to ask some hard questions,” Holder contended. “Why isn’t there a more proportionately balanced representation of America’s population when it comes to police shootings? Why are African-Americans so frequently victimized by law enforcement? What can we do to restore a more equitable distribution of the carnage?”

The Attorney General asserted that “clearly, white officers need to undergo some form of attitude adjustment. Sensitivity training may be part of that. But I doubt that will be enough. It may be time for an affirmative action program aimed at achieving a balance that has thus far eluded us. Every police department needs to keep detailed records of the racial composition of those their officers shoot. When these records show a racial imbalance steps must be taken to rectify that.”

Not everyone was pleased with Holder’s approach. Racial justice expert Al Sharpton blamed “unduly restrictive laws. There are too many things that are illegal in this country. Take the case of Michael Brown in Ferguson. This young man’s personal efforts to collect reparations for 400 years of repression shouldn’t have resulted in him getting shot. Taking a few cigars and resisting Officer Wilson—the armed enforcer of racial subjugation for the benefit of white America—were righteous acts of rebellion. The law needs to be modified to recognize this.”

In related news, Holder issued a decree prohibiting states from adopting zoning laws that might have the effect of blocking the establishment of Mosques or Islamic culture centers in areas where they are needed. “Islam commands its adherents to spread the religion in any way that they can,” Holder said. “They need to be able to set up shop near the populations they are targeting for their proselytizing mission.”

IRS Commissioner Taunts Congress

Internal Revenue Service (IRS) commissioner John Koskinen made light of Congressional efforts to probe his agency for evidence of wrongdoing.

At a House Oversight and Government Reform subcommittee hearing Koskinen mocked committee members, saying that “hard drive crashes continue as we speak. We can erase files and destroy incriminating evidence faster than you can imagine where to look.”

Charges that IRS employees broke the law and broke file retention protocols elicited only a chuckle from the Commissioner. “Congress is not my boss,” Koskinen pointed out. “I answer to the President. Last I heard, he thinks we’re doing fine.”

Koskinen belittled any actions that might be taken against him or his agency as “the impotent frothing of an irrelevant artifact of a form of government that no longer exists in this country. If Congress censures me, so what? Should a court find me guilty the President will pardon me. Why should I worry?”

In related news, CIA Director John Brennan refused to tell lawmakers who authorized the illegal surveillance of Senate Intelligence Committee computers. “Members of Congress do not have the appropriate security clearance to be privy to that information,” Brennan claimed. “I have spent my career protecting secrets. I’m not about to turn them over to the kind of blathering loudmouths who run Congress.”

Americans Fighting for ISIS Shouldn’t Lose Passports, Congressional Candidate Says

The suggestion that Americans leaving the country to join ISIS ought to forfeit their passports was rejected by Iowa Democratic Congressional candidate Staci Appel during her televised debate with her GOP opponent David Young.

The right to travel is fundamental to what it means to be an American,” Appel maintained. “A person shouldn’t have to worry that someone else will judge the reasons for his travel as illegitimate. What if the American tries to join ISIS but is rejected for some reason? Shouldn’t he still have a home country to return to? What if he fights for ISIS for a while and needs to come back for some R&R or to visit with family? What if he tires of slaying unbelievers and wants to leave ISIS? Do we really want to bar the door to his return?”

Young added his own questions to Appel’s litany. “What if ISIS sends this American back to the United States on a mission of mayhem? Might not guarding against this possibility be a good reason to throw up a roadblock against it by revoking the passports of those known to have left the US in order to join ISIS?”

Candidate Says Illegal Immigrants Have Earned Right to Receive Welfare

Democratic gubernatorial candidate Rep. Mike Michaud (Maine) says he is opposed to the idea of curtailing the eligibility for welfare payments to illegal immigrants.

These people have undertaken a long, arduous, and often dangerous journey to get here,” Michaud said. “That took courage and determination. Welfare payments are a meager reward for enduring these treks. It would be niggardly of us to deny them after they’ve crossed the finish line.”

Under Maine law, illegal immigrants are not eligible for state funded welfare payments. Nonetheless, several cities have defied the law and paid out public funds to them. Portland disburses over $200,000 per month to ineligible illegal immigrants—a practice that Michaud promises will become legal once he is elected governor.

State Senator Eloise Vitelli (D-Augusta) said she supports Michaud’s position on the issue. “If we cut them off from benefits it’s like we’re telling them they wasted their time coming here,” Vitelli contended. “That seems a cold and unwelcoming attitude to me.”

Retiring Senator Endorses Hillary for President

Retiring Sen. Tom Harkin (D-Iowa) gave a ringing endorsement to former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s presidential ambitions.

Most people think that she is a moderate, kind of middle-of-the-road type of politician,” Harkin said. “This is way off the mark. She is much farther to the left and a lot more progressive in her thoughts and her inclination than most people may think. That’s why she has my unconditional support should she choose to run for president in 2016.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Mexican President Calls Perry Border Policy “Unneighborly”

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Folder2 104Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto castigated Texas Governor Rick Perry’s deployment of National Guard troops on the U.S.-Mexican border as “unneighborly. He’s like that Clint Eastwood character in Gran Torino telling my people to get off his lawn.”

For decades my people have become accustomed to the ability to pass freely between our two countries,” Peña said. “In our minds this clearly establishes an ‘easement’ right to travel over these roads and pathways. For Governor Perry to suddenly seek to terminate these rights is an affront.”

Peña indicated that he plans to bring the issue up before the United Nations. “America’s trampling of human rights has become a growing problem for us,” Peña complained. “While the United States may be the 800 lb. gorilla in our bilateral relationship they can’t stand against the whole of humanity represented by the UN.”

UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon promised “to give this matter serious consideration. The Earth belongs to all of humanity. The right of any individual to move about in any part of it cannot be denied by any secular power. The fact that Mexicans have been crossing the Texas border unopposed for generations would seem to have built a strong case for the easement right claimed by President Peña.”

Peña brushed off contentions that his country has also been unneighborly by continuing to imprison US Marine Sgt. Andrew Tahmooressi for inadvertently crossing into Mexico with guns in the trunk of his vehicle. “There is no right to bear arms in Mexico,” Peña pointed out. “If we let this man go it will set a bad example for others. His case is in no way comparable. First off, he is one man. The persons impacted by Governor Perry’s edict number in the tens, maybe hundreds of thousands. Few of them are armed, but even if they were, America’s Constitution guarantees their right to own and carry firearms.”

School Confiscates American Flags from Students

Woodruff High School in Spartanburg, South Carolina confiscated American flags from the vehicles of four students this past week.

The school’s principal, Aaron Fulmer, explained that “professions of patriotism do not write a ‘blank check’ for egregious behavior. Many of our undocumented students may feel intimidated by such flagrant demonstrations. And as President Obama has pointed out, the American flag, like the Confederate flag, is seen as a symbol of oppression in many parts of the world.”

Flaunting so-called American exceptionalism also contradicts the lesson of humility our school is trying to inculcate,” Fulmer said. “The United States is just one country out of hundreds. It is inappropriate for students to be acting like America is special and somehow better than anywhere else.”

Fulmer was less certain about the possibility of confiscating other flags that have been brandished around the country. “A Mexican flag may be a reassuring symbol of a far away home that an immigrant misses,” Fulmer speculated. “Who are we to take that away from them?”

As for confiscating the ISIS flags that have popped up elsewhere, Fulmer admitted that “that would be difficult. I wouldn’t know the flag if I saw it. And I wouldn’t want to risk angering some very dangerous people.”

IRS Poised to Start Taxing Employer Provided Lunches

Some employers provide employees with company-paid free lunches. The idea is to keep workers at their desks and improve productivity. The expense has normally been lumped in with other expenses as a cost of doing business. The IRS now wants to tax these lunches as income to the employees.

IRS spokesperson Jason Coveter explained that “most employees have to furnish their own lunches. Whether they go out and buy it or bring it from home, they are bearing this cost themselves. It is unfair for other employees to get a lunch paid for by their employer. We’re just trying to level the playing field.”

The “leveling” will be retroactive “to help rectify previous wrongs,” according to Coveter. “We’re going to try to go back at least a few years if we can,” he said. “Consuming free lunches is kind of a social crime and we’re using a sort of ‘statute of limitations’ model that would impose a significant penalty, but not an unlimited one.”

Some taxpayers could end up owing thousands in back taxes and penalties. Not to worry says Coveter, though. “We will have easy payment plans in place that will allow those who owe to pay in installments over the course of a year or two.”

Other employer provided amenities that are in line for future IRS scrutiny include free parking, heating/cooling, lights, and toilet facilities. “Those are all things that the employee has to pay for when he’s at home,” Coverter said. “There’s no good reason why he should be relieved of the cost of these burdens just because he’s at work.”

Germany Strikes Blow Against ISIS

The German Government has decided to strike back against the ISIS reign of terror in Iraq and Syria by revoking its access to civic amenities.

Included in the ban would be the total loss of privileges to use public facilities such as meeting rooms at libraries, ramadas at public parks, and participation in public parades. In addition, security personnel at sporting events will be instructed to deny admittance to anyone wearing Isis symbols including hats, t-shirts or other garb with the organization’s insignia.

Defense minister Thomas de Mazière, characterized the restrictions as “a measured response. We want to give them the chance to feel the bite of these penalties and see if it reforms their behavior before considering more aggressive actions.”

Holder Says Arming Mexican Drug Cartels “Our Ace in the Hole” vs. ISIL Infiltrators

While a key part of President Obama’s strategy to combat ISIL involves arming supposed enemies of that organization, a program that has previously been roundly criticized is now being bandied about as “prescient” and “visionary” by Attorney General Eric Holder. The program: “Fast and Furious.”

What the President’s critics have lambasted as wrongheaded and improvident is starting to look pretty good now that ISIL has vowed to infiltrate the United States via our southern border,” Holder bragged. “The Mexican drug cartels are very territorial about what crosses over this border. They won’t be too friendly toward ISIL actions that may threaten their smuggling profits.”

Holder hailed “the toughness of these people. As we have seen they are every bit as vicious as the thugs running ISIL. They have murdered hundreds—many by beheading. And with the huge volume of firearms we have helped them acquire they are well-prepared to defend their perceived turf against these ISIL interlopers.”

Jennifer Lasley, a senior official in the Department of Homeland Security’s intelligence and analysis office concurred in Holder’s take on the issue. “These Mexican gangs are scary. Setting them up to be our first line of defense against potential ISIL infiltration was a stroke of genius that the Administration won’t get enough credit for.”

It’s possible, though, that ISIL might use a portion of its profits from sale of oil from the wells it seized in Iraq to bribe the cartels for a truce and passage through their border fiefdoms. Should this occur, Holder vowed that “we will put our heads together to try to come up with a ‘plan B.’”

In related news, Rep. Eddie Johnson (D-Tex) argues that “the beheading of those journalists doesn’t warrant the war President Obama now seems eager to initiate. That was only two guys. As many or more are murdered every week in the President’s home town. So, is he going to launch air strikes against the gangs that are terrorizing the streets of Chicago? Aren’t they more dangerous to more Americans than ISIS?”

Senator Udall Says Debates “Not Part of My Strategy”

Sitting Senator Mark Udall (D-Colo) refuses to debate his GOP opponent Cory Gardner, saying that a proposed televised debate is “not part of my strategy for reelection.”

These live debates are such a crap shoot,” Udall groused. “You can’t carefully craft your message. You only have a few seconds to compose answers to off-the-wall questions. The risk of a misstatement is high.”

Rather than endanger the major investment his campaign has made in focus group-vetted platitudes by debating, Udall expressed satisfaction with his plan to bombard voters with dinner-time robocalls. “The beauty of these is that a candidate has total control over what is said,” he boasted. “A brief message that pushes a couple of key buttons can reach thousands of voters per hour. Why should I ruin that by stumbling through a debate?”

Press Secretary Chides Golf Clubs

The Trump National Golf Club, Winged Foot and Willow Ridge rejected requests to let President Obama play on their golf courses over the Labor Day weekend. This mightily irked Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest.

These clubs put the needs and convenience of their members ahead of the needs and convenience of the President of the United States,” Earnest charged. “It’s a clear case of misplaced priorities.”

The inconveniences to golf club members would’ve been substantial. All other golfers would’ve been barred from the course while the President played through.

Where’s their sense of patriotism?” Earnest wondered. “The President is Commander-in-Chief. Where’s their sense of social conscience? Their club members are part of the wealthiest segment of society. The President is the representative of all the people, including the lowliest among us. Where’s their sense of humanity? The President has the hardest job in the world. Surely that entitles him to some much needed relaxation. It’s just so cruel and unfair.”

To try to make amends, Donald Trump offered to allow Obama unlimited access to all of the golf courses he owns if the President would only resign from office. “His mouthpiece is asking for a sense of humanity,” Trump observed. “How about a win-win situation where Obama is relieved of his burdens while the world is rescued from his incompetence?”

Kerry Says Islamic State Is Not Islamic

US Secretary of State John Kerry challenged ISIL’s definition of itself and insisted that the self-proclaimed Islamic State is not, in fact, Islamic.

I studied Islam in college,” Kerry asserted. “None of the books I read or classes I took mentioned anything about beheading unbelievers or raping women. I’ll stack this up against the mutterings of an uneducated terrorist any day of the week.”

Palestinian-Jordanian politician Muhammad Bayoudh Al-Tamimi disagreed with Kerry and maintained that ISIL’s “actions and words stem directly from the Quran and Sunna—two of Islam’s most sacred texts.”

A spokesman for ISIL suggested that “perhaps this chattering moron, Kerry, has not read the right books or listened to the words of practicing believers. If he falls into our hands we will give him the opportunity to rectify this gap in his education. Then we will cut his head off as the Quran commands.”

IRS Chief Says “We Try to Follow the Law Whenever We Can”

IRS Commissioner John Koskinen told the House Ways and Means subcommittee that “as a general rule, we try to follow the law whenever we can.” Rep. Kevin Brady (R-Tex), who leads the subcommittee, expressed the idea that the IRS ought to always follow the law and asked for instances in which Koskinen thought breaking the law might be necessary.

Laws are such static things,” Koskinen observed. “They don’t necessarily provide for every possible contingency. If the President feels that there is a gap in the law we’re not going to allow ourselves to be stymied by the lack of legislative authorization for what needs to be done.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Kerry Says ISIS Will Be Destroyed Within Three Years

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Folder2 104U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry predicted that the Islamic State (also known as ISIS and ISIL) would be destroyed within three years. The means: “massive wrongful death lawsuits.”

“These thugs might think they’re cute filming the decapitation of their victims,” Kerry said. “But by putting their torts on record they have opened themselves to legal liability that will cost them billions in damages.”

“No country on Earth has better or more expensive lawyers than we do,” the Secretary boasted. “With skills honed from decades of tormenting corporate defendants in the courtroom, the plaintiffs’ bar will eviscerate ISIS’s defenses and use their own words and videos against them. Financial ruin and public humiliation for these goons is just a matter of time.”

Kerry invited observers “to compare our innovative and nuanced approach with the clumsy efforts of the Bush Administration’s so-called ‘war on terror.’ In our plan, instead of putting US troops at risk, all the heavy lifting will be done by lawyers filing suits and attaching liens to every asset ISIS possesses.”

According to Kerry, a side benefit of the Administration’s strategy to sue ISIS into submission is that “it allows us to conserve our resources to fight the greater threat of global warming. The massacres perpetrated by ISIS are a mere pin prick compared to the devastation that climate change will wreak on the planet. If we do not prevail in this greater fight Foley and Sotloff will be remembered as the lucky ones.”

ABC’s Good Morning America, co-host George Stephanopoulos called this “sue the bastards” strategy “amazingly ingenious. It opens an arena of conflict at which this nation excels. The skills ISIS has nurtured in beheading captives, raping women, and killing children will be completely useless against the hordes of attorneys we can deploy against them. I think the Administration has once again turned the table on its critics.”

Senator to Issue Report Absolving IRS

Sen. Carl Levin (D-Mich), chairman of the Senate’s Permanent Subcommittee on Investigations is preparing a report that will absolve the IRS and Lois Lerner of any wrongdoing in the campaign to target and harass conservative political organizations.

“Those who have alleged that Lerner and the IRS took it upon themselves to conduct a vendetta against conservative organizations have it all wrong,” Levin alleged. “Evidence has emerged that the IRS was acting upon urgent requests from highly placed members of the government. Bureaucrats being responsive to the needs of the government is behavior we should be encouraging not punishing.”

The highly placed members of the government cited by Levin included himself and fellow Senators Richard Durbin (D-Ill), Charles Schumer (D-NY), Jeanne Shaheen (D-NH), Tom Udall (D-Colo), Sheldon Whitehouse (D-RI), Al Franken (D-Minn), Michael Bennet (D-Colo), and Jeff Merkley (D-Ore).

“When a Senator is on the other end of the phone or email, a public servant’s duty must be to assist in whatever way he or she can,” Levin insisted. “These requests must be expedited, not impeded by excessive attention to  rules and regulations. It was not Ms. Lerner’s job to insert her judgment as a barrier to carrying out the wishes of the people who vote on the appropriations to fund the agency she works for.”

In addition to the procedural arguments raised in defense of the IRS, Senator Levin pointed out that “substantively, the organizations flagged by the Senators were reasonably suspected of anti-government views and activities. It was the IRS’ patriotic duty to interdict these organizations in whatever way it could in order to help thwart their attempts to undermine the President and his loyal supporters.”

UN Defends Refusal to Evacuate Non-Combatants in Gaza

In its efforts to minimize collateral damage in its campaign against Hamas terrorists who were launching rocket attacks against Israeli civilians, the Israel Defense Forces (IDF) asked UN “peace keepers” in Gaza to help Palestinian civilians evacuate the combat zone. The UN refused this request.

UN spokesperson Penelope Ironside explained that “the idea that civilians should be removed from the battle zone conflicted with the explicit strategy of one of the contending sides. For us to have assisted in their removal would have compromised the UN’s position as a neutral party.”

“The conflict between Israel and Hamas is asymmetrical,” Ironside added. “Hamas cannot effectively oppose the IDF in head-to-head combat. Embedding its weapons in the midst of Palestinian civilians impedes the IDF’s path. For us to have facilitated the removal of these persons would’ve been tantamount to taking sides.”

“Secondly, the whole notion that civilians are merely innocent bystanders is not accepted by Hamas,” Ironside continued. “What Israel insists are innocent victims of their rocket attacks, Hamas sees as legitimate targets. Jewish women and children are illegally occupying Palestinian lands. Maybe the Hamas rocket attacks will make them leave.”

Biden Says Hoarders Are Retarding Economy

Citing a paper released this week by the St. Louis Federal Reserve, Vice-President Joe Biden blamed American consumers for the sluggish economy.

“The government is doing everything it can to try to stimulate the economy,” Biden contended. “The federal government is spending every dollar it can get its hands on. The Federal Reserve is manufacturing new dollars at an unprecedented pace. But consumers are just sitting on their cash.”

“Hoarding cash makes no sense,” the Veep argued. “The dollar’s purchasing power is being diluted on a daily basis by government policies. Spending your dollars before they lose even more value is what you should do.”

Biden dismissed concerns that people might be saving out of fear of losing their jobs, saying that “there’s no need for anyone to provide their own safety net. In fact, depleting all your assets and means of subsistence makes you eligible for the maximum amount of public assistance.”

“If private hoarding continues the government may have to implement a more vigorous escheatment process in order to put these idle funds to better use,” Biden suggested. “I mean, if people are just sitting on inactive balances in savings accounts the government has the need and the right to seize these funds and inject them into the flow of commerce.”

NY Board of Elections Cracks Down on Unauthorized Speech

Concerned that “unelected persons might defame elected officials,” the New York Board of Elections has declared that no one may criticize a sitting officeholder without first forming a “political action committee.”

Executive Director Todd Valentine asserted that “the notion that everyone is free to say whatever they want about members of the government is a misunderstanding of the concept of freedom of speech. If you’re talking about or to another private citizen you can say whatever you want. But if you want to criticize the governor, mayor, or a member of the legislature or city council you need to file with us.”

Those who engage in criticisms without gaining prior approval from the Board may be fined up to $1,000 per offense. If, for example, you pass out 50 flyers opposing the reelection of your current senator—you’d be liable for a potential fine of $50,000.

Valentine was unconcerned that the regulations might discourage some citizens from participating in public debate. “People who are serious about politics will make the effort to register as a political action committee,” he contended. “Those not willing to take this minimal step have no business getting involved. The era of unregulated rogue commentaries is ended in this state. It’s the least we can do for those who govern us.”

In related news, the University of Minnesota student newspaper apologized “for any embarrassment we may have caused Senator Franken for attempting to schedule a debate between him and his Republican challenger Mike McFadden. Senator Franken has rightly pointed out that as the state’s US Senator he should not be forced to demean himself by debating a person who is merely a private citizen. We can only hope that Senator Franken will forgive our youthful indiscretion on this sensitive matter.”

Firm Punished for Verifying Employees’ Residency

The Department of Justice has fined Culinaire International $20,000 for asking a prospective hiree to provide proof of legal residence.

“Demanding that employees show proof of citizenship or legal residence in this country is discriminatory,” Attorney General Eric Holder asserted. “It explicitly contradicts the President’s expressed wishes that all applicants whether in this country legally or not be treated equal.”

Holder brushed aside state laws that penalize employers for not verifying residency status as irrelevant. “The possibility that a state may sanction an employer for not conducting such a verification is not my concern,” Holder said. “The fact is Culinare violated our Administration’s policies. We cannot allow that infraction to go unpunished.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Congressman Wants to Ban Body Armor

 

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Folder2 104Rep. Mike Honda (D-CA) has introduced legislation that would prohibit the sale, use, or possession of body armor by unauthorized persons. “Authorized persons” in Honda’s view include government law-enforcement personnel, troops, and others the government may deem worthy of such protection.

Those duly empowered to use deadly force should not have to fear that their efforts might be thwarted by the widespread availability of bullet-resistant vests or helmets,” Honda said. “The government’s capacity to suppress dangerous elements must not be diluted.”

Honda dismissed the idea that law-abiding civilians could have a legitimate need for this type of personal protection—Bullet Blocker’s bullet-proof backpacks for students, for instance. “Allowing students to acquire these items could instill a false sense of security. Worse, these backpacks could easily fall into the wrong hands and be used by those with malicious intent.”

To be most effective the firepower of government authorities must be overwhelming and irresistible,” Honda argued. “Not only should the government’s agents have a monopoly on the ownership and use of guns, they must also be able to operate freely without worrying about potential opposition.”

Existing laws that make it illegal for convicted felons to own firearms and body armor “are inadequate,” according to Honda. “There’s a big loop hole that permits those without a criminal record to obtain the means to commit crimes using firearms and body armor. Access to the means for self-defense enables people to take an antisocial path rather than cooperate with the collectively arrived at decisions of their government. People need to trust and support the authorities and not try to go it alone.”

State Department Insists US Is Not at War with ISIS

The beheading of American journalist James Foley, the massacre of thousands of Christians, Kurds, and Shiite Muslims, and ISIS’s vow that its flag will soon fly over the White House does not mean the United States is at war with them, says Deputy State Department spokesperson Marie Harf.

ISIS may think they are at war with us, but that doesn’t mean we are at war with them,” Harf insisted. “As you may have observed, President Obama sternly denounced Foley’s televised beheading. He has done his part to inspire others to take the actions needed to cope with the situation. There’s no need for him to do more.”

Harf cited the President’s immediate resumption of his golfing vacation and fund-raising as proof that “the President is fully in control of his agenda. He will not be forced into engaging in hostilities with ISIS.”

What Obama is willing to consider is “cutting back on the assistance we’ve been providing ISIS in its battle against Assad in Syria. As concerned as we are about the tyrannical abuses of the Assad government we need to reconsider whether aiding his enemies is the prudent thing to do.”

The Deputy State Department spokesperson also defended the President’s decision to reveal confidential information about a failed attempt to rescue Foley even though the revelation jeopardizes potential future attempts to rescue other hostages. “Even if a rescue were to be successful the number of lives saved would be minuscule,” Harf pointed out. “In contrast, a widespread perception that the President didn’t do enough on behalf of Foley is clearly undermining confidence in his Administration. With the off-year elections ahead that is far more damaging than the forgone hypothetical opportunity to save a few of the remaining hostages.”

DHS Says It Had to Release Murderers

Outraged over learning that the Department of Homeland Security released 154 illegal immigrants convicted of homicide in their native country, Sen. Charles Grassley (R-Iowa) demanded an explanation from DHS Secretary Jeh Johnson. He received a reply from Immigration and Customs Enforcement chief Thomas Winkowski.

In his reply, Winkowski maintained that DHS “had no choice in the matter. We should not be castigated for obeying the law.” Winkowski’s contention, though, may not be correct. While it is true that the law does not permit DHS to hold illegal immigrants indefinitely, it does allow for the retention of “dangerous immigrants.”

Just because an immigrant has been convicted of a serious crime in Mexico, say, doesn’t prove he is dangerous in America,” Winkowski suggested. “Maybe he was unjustly convicted. Or maybe he came to our country to start a new life. Until they are convicted of a crime in the United States they deserve the benefit of the doubt.”

Judge Rules Private School Vouchers Unconstitutional

North Carolina Superior Court Judge Robert Hobgood declared the state’s the Opportunity Scholarship program unconstitutional. The program provided funds for poor children to attend the same private schools attended by their financially better off peers.

Allowing these children to exit the failing public school system undermines the incentive and capability for improving the public schools,” Hobgood ruled. “It would put the good of the few ahead of the collective well-being of the whole. By preventing the few from escaping we maintain the pressure for reform of the system.”

Hobgood rejected the argument that allowing students to exit substandard schools would stimulate competition and lead to better public school performance. “Public schools are too inflexible to compete,” Hobgood said. “The only chance for them is for public outrage over poor performance to induce a major overhaul of both methods and personnel. Every parent whose child is trapped in the public school is another potential voice of outrage. Parents who are now seeking scholarships to save their own children must be turned into advocates for all of society’s children. They won’t do this unless they see their own children suffering.”

The fact that the vast majority of recipients of the Opportunity Scholarships are Black didn’t impress Hobgood. “There is an even larger contingent of Black victims left behind in awful public schools,” he observed. “Unless every child can be saved it is better that none be saved. That is the only equality we can absolutely guarantee.”

In related news, Dyer County High School senior Kendra Turner was suspend for saying “bless you” after a classmate sneezed. “Blessing has religious connotations,” explained a school spokesman. “This is a public school. We have zero tolerance for that.”

Missouri Governor Demands Vigorous Prosecution

Missouri Governor Jay Nixon (D) is saturating the air waves with his demand that Ferguson police officer Darren Wilson be “vigorously prosecuted” for shooting Michael Brown on August 9th.

We’ve all seen the Hell this community has gone through since the shooting,” Nixon recounted. “The Black citizens will burn down the entire town if we don’t give them the justice they want.”

The Governor brushed aside the possibility that the shooting might be justifiable self-defense. “Sure we could spend a lot of time and effort trying to determine whether Brown brought this on himself by attacking Wilson,” Nixon said. “Maybe Wilson feared for his life. Maybe he felt he had no alternative. But what I’m saying here is that now we have no alternative if we want to preserve the peace.”

Cooler heads need to come to grips with what must be done,” Nixon continued. “If Wilson goes free there’ll be more trouble. More people could be hurt. More businesses could be wrecked. Police officers take an oath to serve and protect. Right now, the best way for Wilson to fulfill his oath is to accept responsibility and do his time. If he won’t do that voluntarily it is up to us to see that he does. Sacrificing one to save many is the kind of hard choice that the voters of this state elected me to make.”

Nixon’s perspective was bolstered by Al Sharpton’s assertion that rioters who appropriated merchandise without paying for it were “liberators” rather than “looters.” “No amount that the white man pays could adequately compensate us for the 300 years of slavery and 450 years of racial discrimination the Black man in America has had to suffer,” Sharpton claimed. “It isn’t stealing when you reclaim what is rightfully yours.”

Texas Governor Indicted for Abuse of Power

This past week an Austin Grand Jury indicted Governor Rick Perry (R) for abuse of power. The offending act was his veto of the budget containing funds for the salary of Travis County District Attorney Rosemary Lehmberg. Perry took this action when Lehmberg refused to resign after her arrest for drunk driving.

In April 2013, Lehmberg was hauled in for DUI. Tests showed her blood alcohol level to be more than three times the legal limit. Lehmberg threatened the arresting officer and deputies at the sheriff’s office with the loss of their jobs for deigning to interrupt her travels. Thinking that an abusively drunk public prosecutor might be an inappropriate person to hold that position, Governor Perry demanded she step down.

Lehmberg doesn’t deny that her behavior was disgraceful, but contends that “at least half the state legislators are drunk half the time. Drinking is the number one past-time of half the adult population of this state. So, being drunk and disorderly can’t be a legitimate barrier to holding a public office. There’d be too many vacancies.”

The County DA was also quite pleased with her one-upmanship. “Drunk driving is only a misdemeanor, abuse of power is a felony,” Lehmberg boasted. “We’ll strip Perry of his right to carry firearms and to vote. Any aspirations he may have had to run for President are finished thanks to me.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

Ferguson Looting Said to Be Fitting Tribute to Michael Brown

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Folder2 104The emergence of a convenience store security video tape of Michael Brown roughing up the shopkeeper and stealing boxes of cigars was said to vindicate the looting rampage that followed his being shot by police.

All those stuffed shirts saying that our robbing stores was an inappropriate expression of our anger and grief were dead wrong,” asserted a self-identified looter who says her name is Jihadena. “One of the last things Michael did before he was gunned down was rob a store. We’re just doing the work he no longer can do. What could be a more fitting tribute to his memory?”

Jihadena challenged the characterization of Brown as a common thug, insisting that “he was a guerrilla for social justice. President Obama promised transformation, but where are our reparations for slavery? Where is the equal distribution of wealth? That convenience store had plenty of cigars. What’s wrong with Michael taking the initiative to redistribute a few of them?”

The image of Michael Brown as the liberator of cigars from the clutches of an Asian profiteer clashes with Al Sharpton’s allegation of “a massive conspiracy to assassinate this young man’s character. That video could’ve been photo-shopped. The witnesses to the robbery could’ve been coached. Michael’s criminal history could be fabricated. Besides, even if he did rob that store since when do we have the death penalty for stealing cigars?”

In related news, U.S. District Judge Catherine Blake ruled that Maryland may ban assault rifles. “These weapons are inappropriate for hunting and they are too cumbersome for personal self defense,” Blake asserted. “Their chief selling point seems to be that they would enable a citizen to resist government authority. As such, these weapons do not qualify for protection under the ‘right to bear arms’ clause of the Constitution.”

Kerry Makes Case for Global Warming as Mankind’s Greatest Threat

US Secretary of State John Kerry continues to baffle observers by insisting that “global warming is, by far, the greatest threat mankind faces in the 21st century.”

The reason should be obvious from the term ‘global’ warming,” Kerry said. “This means that it affects everyone. This has to put it ahead of dangers that afflict necessarily narrower categories of victims. The beheading of innocent children by ISIS in Iraq, for example, only affects thousands of people.”

The threat to wipe Israel off the map and exterminate the Jews, at worst, would entail the deaths of only a few million,” Kerry continued. “Juxtaposed to this limited atrocity, the ecological damage from global warming is vaster by an order of magnitude. Billions will be faced with excruciatingly relentless rises in temperature. Trying to stay cool will be an endless task. The cost and discomfort of attempting to cope will easily outweigh the momentary pain of being blown apart by a suicide bomber or having your throat slit by a jihadi.”

In a way it could be said that massacres serve to ameliorate the impact of global warming,” Kerry pointed out. “The fewer humans there are, the less pressure they will put on the ecosystem’s carrying power. So, while it is not their intent to fight global warming groups like ISIS and Hamas are inadvertently contributing toward a brighter future for the planet. We should not overlook this mitigating factor.”

While Kerry appears to imagine himself a great thinker able to see past the “minor skirmishes” that most see as the main concern of the nation’s chief diplomat, a recent editorial in Investors Business Daily characterized his contention that global warming is the more serious threat as “dangerously moronic.”

Kerry does appear to be at some risk of getting out of step with his boss, though. Just this week President Obama declared “conservative maximalists” to be the biggest threat. “The essence of a successful community is universal cooperation for the collective benefit of all,” the President said. “This requires compromise. Yet, there is a contingent within that continues to take the extreme position that certain so-called fundamental rights are immutable. This contingent of conservative maximalists is more dangerous than any other enemy we face.”

Hamas Extends “Gift of Martyrdom” to Tunnel Diggers

Concerned that dozens of low-wage workers who built the maze of tunnels from the Gaza strip into Israel might reveal the locations to enemy forces, the Hamas leadership ordered their execution.

Hamas spokesman Khaled Mashal justified this seemingly ungrateful reward as “a necessary precaution. There are those who would say that the measures we took to prevent these diggers’ knowledge of the tunnels’ locations ought to be sufficient. Yes, the workers were blindfolded before being led to and from where they were told to dig making it exceedingly improbable that any of them could lead an Israeli to a tunnel location. But their death makes it impossible for them to reveal any location.”

Only infidels would consider our action in this matter cruel,” Mashal maintained. “We have released these men from a harsh life of poverty—they did this backbreaking work at a wage of $1 per hour—and given them the gift of martyrdom. As we speak they are all enjoying the pleasures of copulating with virgins that Allah promised.”

Mashal did permit himself a mild chuckle as he described the miners’ last moments: “As we blindfolded them to lead them away to execution many talked excitedly of what they would buy with the wages they expected for more digging. Not one suspected the surprise we had in store. It was most amusing.”

Dems Push for Federal Funding of Abortions

Representatives Mike Honda (D-Calif), Barbara Lee (D-Calif), Jan Schakowsky (D-Ill), Louise Slaughter (D-NY), and Jackie Speier (D-Calif) are going on a 10,000 mile bus tour to drum up support for repealing the current ban on federation money being spent for abortions.

The issue is one of simple justice,” Lee argued. “Why should the option of escaping an unwanted pregnancy be denied to women who can’t afford to pay for it? Human rights shouldn’t come with a price tag. Criminals who can’t afford a lawyer get one at taxpayer expense. Why shouldn’t innocent women be treated as well?”

We should fund every abortion we can afford,” was Slaughter’s take. “Every child born is another mouth to feed. Would-be mothers who can’t afford abortions will end up giving birth to children they can’t afford. The cost of rearing a child to adulthood dwarfs the cost of an abortion. I challenge my GOP colleagues to do the math and support federal aid for abortion as the fiscally responsible thing to do.”

A “more civilized society” was Rep. Schakowsky’s goal. “Unwanted pregnancies destroy lives,” she contended. “The first victim is the mother who is burdened by a child she does not want. The second victim is the unwanted child who grows up in poverty. The third victim is the innocent bystander who is a casualty of the violent underclass peppered with individuals who would’ve been aborted if the funding had been available.”

The bus tour of these luminaries of contemporary moral philosophy began in Los Angeles, California August 9 and is expected to arrive in Washington, DC in mid September after stops in 12 cities along the way.

Hillary and Barack Hug Away Kerfuffle

This week former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton stirred up a kerfuffle in an interview published in The Atlantic magazine by implying that the Obama Administration’s foreign policy was “a directionless mess.” President Obama angrily rebuffed Clinton’s remarks as “horse shit.”

However, the soothing ambiance of a gathering at a posh Martha’s Vineyard resort has dampened down combative tempers on both sides. As a spokesman for Hillary explained, “it was a case of public perception vs. core reality. Given the President’s abysmal voter approval ratings it is imperative that any Democrat who hopes to win an upcoming distance herself from the President’s negative public image.”

There is no fundamental difference between the policies that President Obama and Secretary Clinton have pursued and the policies that a future President Hillary Clinton will pursue,” the spokesman said. “But the only chance of continuing those policies is for Hillary to prevail in the 2016 election. Once President Obama was reassured on this he acquiesced to the strategy.”

President Laments “Balkanization” of Media

The low cost of communication over the Internet has led to “a dangerous proliferation of voices” according to President Obama. “It used to be that everyone got their view of the news from major media outlets,” Obama recounted. “There was more unanimity of message. This helped bring the country together.”

Now, though, any nobody with a little free time can get a website and pontificate for all the world to see,” the President complained. “We have no way to control what is said and we lack the time and energy to refute every erroneous idea or contention that is made.”

The President’s lamentation may be answered, though. The Internet Tax Freedom Act is due to expire November 1. This law blocks states from assessing taxes on Internet use. The House of Representatives has dealt with this issue by passing the Permanent Internet Tax Freedom Act (PITFA). PITFA is currently one of 300 House-passed bills being blocked by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev).

The President isn’t the only one suffering a barrage of criticisms from pipsqueak yahoos on the web, I’ve had my share of abuse too,” Read grumbled. “We’ll see how outspoken these guys are once the states start hitting them with a couple hundred dollars a year in Internet access taxes.”

While Reid was pessimistic about ever “restoring total order to the information arena” he evinced a degree of confidence that “between state taxes and an Executive cut-off switch we can winnow out a significant number of unwelcome participants in public policy debates.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

 

Obama Eyes Emancipation Proclamation as Model for Amnesty Executive Order

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Folder2 104Insiders say that President Obama will use President Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation as the model for his anticipated Executive Order granting amnesty to millions of illegal immigrants. In 1862 Lincoln declared that all slaves in territory held by the Rebels were “forever free.” He justified it as a wartime necessity.

Those close to Obama say he views the parallels as “striking.” “As he sees it,” says an off-the-record source, “the vast majority of the illegal immigrants reside in states that are hostile to the Administration—at war with his efforts to transform the nation. Thus, as Commander-in-Chief he believes it is his right to act alone to both serve a broader justice and to weaken the strength of his political enemies.”

The beauty of it is that there’s nothing anyone can do to stop him should he decide to go ahead,” the source chortled. “He may not have the law or Constitution on his side, but he has strong support from national opinion makers. And if the GOP dares to impeach him for exceeding his authority a wave of Hispanic votes will sweep them aside in November.”

To his credit, Lincoln aware of the absence of explicit authority for his proclamation sucessfully lobbied for a Constitutional Amendment (the 13th) freeing the slaves. President Obama is reported to see no need for a similar move on his part to try to fix what he considers “a fatality flawed and essentially useless document.”

Judge Denies Plaintiff Access to IRS Emails

The quest of those victimized by the IRS’s discriminatory treatment of conservative groups hit a brick wall when U.S. District Court Judge Reggie Walton ruled that the plaintiffs failed to prove that denial of access to the emails would result in “irreparable” harm.

True the Vote,” a conservative organization dedicated to combating vote fraud, had requested that a forensic expert of the court’s choosing attempt to recover the “lost” emails of IRS official Lois Lerner. Lerner has refused to testify to Congress on the grounds that such testimony would be “self incriminating.”

Nonetheless, Judge Walton characterized the plaintiff’s suspicions as “excessively mistrustful of the government. The IRS has said that the emails in question are irretrievably lost. True the Vote has failed to produce any evidence that this is not the case.”

A spokesman for True the Vote called the ruling a “catch 22. We are denied the opportunity to probe for evidence because we don’t already have that evidence. This is despite the fact that a pattern of ‘lost emails’ amongst various government agencies is emerging. I don’t think we’re excessively mistrustful.”

Walton also ruled that “the fact that the plaintiffs are free to file lawsuits and are not languishing in some secret prison strikes me as pretty persuasive evidence that they have not suffered irreparable harm. Whether they may suffer such harm in the future is, at this point, speculative.”

In related news, House Oversight and Government Reform Committee chairman Darrell Issa (R-Calif) reports that more than 20 Obama Administration have “irretrievably lost” emails his committee has subpoenaed. Press Secretary Josh Earnest attributed this phenomenon to “extraordinary bad luck. We spend top dollar for the best computer equipment, yet this keeps happening over and over. The President is just livid about it.”

Weiner to Open Wiener Restaurant

Anthony Weiner, the former Democratic Congressman who gained wide notoriety by tweeting photos of his genitalia is ready to open a new chapter in his life. Spotting what he characterized as “an unfilled niche in the marketplace,” the ex-pol is set to embark upon a restaurant venture in the Queens borough of New York City.

The wiener, or hot dog, is an under appreciated delicacy,” Weiner maintains. “Too often it is relegated to street corner carts where it is hastily prepared, topped with pedestrian condiments, and carelessly scarfed down by the palate-challenged troglodytes who walk our streets.”

At Chez Weiner we will introduce diners to a truly gourmet experience,” Weiner boasted. “Instead of having to settle for a squirt of mustard or ketchup on their meat our patrons will have an array of classic choices with which to garnish their wieners. My own personal favorite is the foot-long dog tipped with a creamy Alfredo sauce, but we will also have Bearnaise, Béchamel, Velouté, Espagnole, Hollandaise, and tomato bisque along with ‘chef’s surprise’ toppings for special occasions.”

The menu won’t be circumscribed to solely wieners,” Weiner promised. “There will be a variety of drool-worthy bratwurst, kielbasa and other sausage-like options, we think will go down easy.”

Weiner said he expects to make heavy use of social media to promote his venture. “If I’ve learned anything from past experience it’s that whatever you put out there on Twitter goes a lot farther than you originally anticipated,” Weiner observed. “Once I show people what I’ve got I’m confident they’ll come and get it.”

Braley’s “Chickens Out” Demand Mars Senate Bid

Iowa’s Democratic nominee for the US Senate Bruce Braley’s hissy fit over a neighbor’s chickens may derail his electoral chances in this farm state. The trouble started when Braley espied a few of neighbor Pauline Hampton’s pet chickens strutting around the yard of his vacation home in the town of Brooklyn and filed a complaint with the home owners association.

In an attempt to be neighborly, Hampton proffered a gift of a dozen freshly laid eggs, but Bruce Braley would have none of it. “I can’t be bought off so cheaply,” Braley angrily asserted. “I’m a candidate for the United States Senate. I shouldn’t have to put up with unwanted fowl trespassing on my property. I deserve more respect.”

Hampton was blindsided by the vehemence of Braley’s reaction. “These are very gentle chickens,” Hampton insisted. “They don’t wander very far from home and they don’t pose a danger to anyone or anything.”

The PETA-endorsed Braley saw no irony in his demand that Hampton cage her chickens or face being sued for damages. “While I support the general concept of ‘free-range’ chickens I don’t want them on my doorstep,” the candidate said. Braley admitted that he doesn’t spend much time at his Brooklyn property, but insisted that “the very thought of these creatures invading my space even when I’m not there is an affront I can’t abide.”

Reid Says He Will Make No Apologies for Defending President’s Credibility

A big part of President Obama’s political message has been the travails he’s suffered because of a “do nothing” Congress. The fact that there are over 300 bills passed by the House that are currently being blocked by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) would seem to rebut the President’s contention. Of these House passed bills, 50% passed unanimously, 70% passed with a 2/3rds majority, and 55 were introduced by Democrat members of the House.

The House has been active trying to craft legislation to address an array of problems,” Rep. Lynn Jenkins (R-Kan) pointed out. “The charge that we are doing nothing is mendacious propaganda. It is the Senate under the leadership of Harry Reid that is failing to undertake its legislative responsibilities.”

Reid defended his inaction on these bills. “The President is engaged in a desperate struggle over who will rule this nation,” Reid contended. “Faced with the option of helping him or cooperating with the House my choice is clear. If the President is to prevail in his struggle his argument must not be undermined. By helping to ensure that nothing can get through Congress the case for unilateral executive action is bolstered.”

The Majority Leader argued that recent polls showing that Congress is held in even lower repute than the President vindicate his strategy. “The whole concept of legislative government is confusing to the average American,” Reid said. “Voters want and deserve the clarity of having the man they chose as their President do what the country needs to have done. By validating his criticism of Congress I am helping him to retain his credibility in his fight. For that I make no apologies.”

911 Protocols Explained

When she heard someone breaking into her home, 80-year-old N.J. Logan grabbed a pistol and called 911. The Holmes Beach, Florida 911 operator repeatedly insisted that Logan “put down the gun.”

This seemingly counter intuitive advice was labeled “standard protocol” by Holmes Beach Police Captain Abbie Safer. “Our first priority must be to insure the safety of our officers. Ideally, only the police would have guns. Failing that it is our presumption that anyone else with a gun is a perp deadly force will be deployed.”

If Ms. Logan is armed when the police arrive she could get shot,” Safer continued. “Even worse, she could mistakenly shoot one of our officers. If she puts the gun down the casualty totals will almost certainly be lower. Chances are those breaking into her home are not armed. Even if they are a shoot out between the victim and the criminals risks multiple lives. An unarmed victim is usually not killed by burglars or rapists. So, on balance, we feel it is better that victims not attempt do-it-yourself self-defense. Wait and let the professionals handle it.”

Logan was not persuaded by either the initial urgent demands from the 911 operator or Captain Safer’s rationale. “It took the police 20 minutes to get there, who knows what might’ve happened while I had to wait for them?” she asked. The crooks, apprised by Ms. Logan that she had a gun, ran off long before the cops arrived.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

 

CIA Strikes Penitent Pose

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Folder2 104With the escape route of deniability closed, CIA Director John Brennan grudgingly apologized to Senate intelligence committee leaders for his Agency’s covert perusal of their correspondence.

Yeah, we’re sorry,” Brennan growled. “But I still don’t see what the big deal is. We spy on everyone. Why should Senators be exempt from our efforts to protect national security? Are they somehow better than the average Americans they supposedly represent?”

Is it really implausible that Senators having access to classified information might pose a significant security risk?” Brennan continued. “I could argue that the need to keep an eye on what they say to who is even more important than monitoring what the great unwashed masses are doing.”

Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif), Chair of the Select Committee on Intelligence didn’t dispute the need for “a comprehensive surveillance of potentially dangerous communications,” but questioned whether “members of the Government ought to be ensnared in the net. After all, the role of the CIA is to protect the Government from all enemies domestic and foreign. The time and energy they wasted scrutinizing me and other Senators diverted them from their primary responsibility.”

Thus far an internal CIA investigation of itself has turned up no evidence of criminal wrongdoing. Nonetheless, Brennan has convened an internal accountability board chaired by former Sen. Evan Bayh (D-Indiana) “in order to restore confidence in the Agency’s good name. Having a respected former Senator give us a clean bill of health should help bolster the image of the CIA in the public’s eye.”

UK’s NHS Defends Investment in Boob Jobs

While the United Kingdom’s National Health Service spends more than £50 million per year subsidizing breast augmentation surgeries it refuses to pay for a drug that can help extend the survival time for cancer patients. A stark contrast between the cases of Josie Cunningham and Reece Hawley has raised eyebrows.

The buxom Ms. Cunningham’s breast enlargement was funded by the NHS back in 2009. She currently is selling pay-per-view tickets at £10,000 a pop to see her giving birth later this month. Reece Hawley is a trainee teacher.

NHS spokesman Howard Titman attempted to explain the seemingly anomalous treatment of these two individuals. “Basically, Mr. Hawley is a goner,” Titman said. “With the therapies available the prospect of him living more than a year or two is exceedingly slim. Even then the quality of life he’d experience would be pretty bad. On the other hand, a woman who has had breast augmentation is projected to live many years at a higher stage of happiness because of the procedure.”

Since the NHS has limited resources we have to make choices,” Titman went on. “It seems to us that buying many years of happiness for some easily outweighs buying a few miserable extra months for those desperately ill. As for Mr. Reece being sick through no fault of his own—well we can’t really be sure of that. We can be sure that small-breasted women are the victims of an insufficient genetic inheritance. Why shouldn’t we fix that?”

In related news, Lithuanian Health Minister Ilze Šalaševičiūte proposed that the elderly poor be compassionately euthanized both for their own good and the good of society. “Scarce resources must not be wasted on stringing out the lives of relatively useless members of the community through expensive medical treatments,” Šalaševičiūte maintained. “Those we have sustained on public assistance while they were young and health have already consumed more than their fair share. If they are old and ill it is their social duty to die. We must provide a convenient and comfortable exit for them.”

Congresswoman Says It’s Time to Stop Whining about Canceled Health Insurance

Rep. Anna Eshoo (D-Calif) says she is “tired of hearing pathetic stories from people who have been forced to find new insurance plans under the Affordable Care Act. The ACA has eliminated substandard insurance policies and guaranteed that every American will obtain superior coverage.”

Rather than be grateful that the Government is looking out for their best interests a cadre of complainers are whining that the new plans cost more than their old plans,” Eshoo complained. “Well, duh. These new plans cover more stuff. A lot of the old plans didn’t cover a number of birth control options. Virtually none of them covered sex-change surgery. To get more you’ve got to expect to pay more.”

Religious fanatics who assert that they have no need for these added coverages are putting their selfish and deluded views ahead of what the legislation has determined is in the best interest of the nation as a whole,” Eshoo contended. “I have no sympathy for their individualistic and egocentric demands.”

Rep. Bill Cassidy (R-La) whose proposed bill authorizing insurers to continue selling ACA non-compliant policies to willing buyers inspired Eschoo’s rant called her remarks “as a clear demonstration of the smirking arrogance that characterizes the thinking of so many proponents of Big Government.”

Democrat Says President Can Ignore Law If He Wants

House Democratic Whip Steny Hoyer (MD) acknowledged that “the President can’t legitimately legalize those who’ve illegally entered the country,” but suggested that “he could decline to enforce the laws against illegal entry against them.”

Hoyer argued that “it’s like the cop who decides to overlook your speeding because you’re driving your pregnant wife to the hospital. There are extenuating circumstances that make rigid enforcement of the law cruel.”

Most of those in the country illegally came here for good reasons,” Hoyer pointed out. “They come from countries where their prospects and opportunities are poor—there are no safety nets. In America they can look forward to an array of social services like free education, healthcare, and guaranteed minimum sustenance to ensure that they are fed, clothed and housed. They aren’t limited to what they can provide for themselves.”

So, while it’s clear that the President has no Constitutional or legal authority to take care of these people he may view it as his moral obligation to do so,” Hoyer said. “He’d just be being his brother’s keeper, so to speak.”

President Excuse s Hamas Tactics, Condemns Israel

President Obama condemned Israel’s attack on a UN school in Gaza as “barbaric and uncivilized.” The fact that the school housed Hamas weapons that were being used to kill Israeli civilians was considered insufficient grounds for the Israeli Army’s shelling of the building.

As former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton mentioned earlier this week, Gaza is a small country with few locations where weapons can be concealed,” Obama said. “Besides, Hamas had explicit permission from the UN to store armaments in the school’s basement. It is Israel that is acting outside the bounds of internationally agreed upon standards.”

UN Secretary General Ban Ki Moon confirmed that “the dual usage of this building was necessitated by the scarcity of space and the juxtaposition of mutually hostile peoples in this beleaguered land. If it weren’t for the unwanted presence of Jews in this formerly Muslim territory there would be no need for Hamas to store weapons designed to oust the occupiers.”

From a superficial perspective I realize that it might seem that Hamas’ attacks on Israeli civilians would be perceived as unwarranted,” Obama conjectured. “However, given the disproportion between the strengths of Israel’s armed forces and Hamas’ fighters it would be unfair for us to insist that both sides confine attacks to each other’s respective armed combatants. There is little doubt that a direct Hamas attack on Israeli soldiers would be suicidal. The only effective way Hamas can hurt Israel is to target its civilians.”

To help illustrate his argument, President Obama pointed out that “the comparative weakness of Hamas forced them to use the agreed upon 72-hour ceasefire as an opportunity to launch a surprise attack where they were able to kidnap an Israeli soldier. This would not have been possible if hostilities had been in full swing.”

In related news, Obama used the occasion of the Islamic holiday of Eid (al-Fitr) to thank Muslims for “building the very fabric of our nation.” House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) said she was “pretty sure the President is referring to those fabulous carpets, which I think are made in Persia. I have several in my houses.”

Massachusetts Cracks Down on Pro-Life Free Speech

Determined to overcome a recent 9-0 US Supreme Court ruling against the state’s “buffer zones” surrounding abortion clinics, the Massachusetts Legislature enacted a new, more severe buffer zone statute. The penalty for violating the new buffer zone is a fine of up to $50,000 and incarceration of up to three years in jail.

Governor Deval Patrick (D) praised “the courage of our legislators who have stood up against judicial tyranny. The right to an abortion is a human right. Women seeking to exercise this right should not be impeded by the unwanted messages of its opponents assaulting their ears on the way to see the doctor.”

Patrick was unmoved by the prospect that the Court would also invalidate this new law. “We can pass new laws faster than any court can overturn them,” he asserted. “The ban against pro-life harassment of women will be enforced in this state and there is nothing the Courts can do about it.”


A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

‘Despicable’ Anti-Clinton Books Should Be Banned

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Folder2 104Outraged by the surging popularity of anti-Clinton books overtaking sales of Hillary Clinton’s State Department memoir, Clinton spokesman Nick Merrill offered his opinion that “in a just world such despicable nonsense would neither be allowed nor enabled.”

The “despicable nonsense” books Merrill is saying ought to be censored include The First Family Detail by Ronald Kessler, Clinton, Inc. by Daniel Halper and Blood Feud by Ed Klein.

It is a travesty that books like these are outselling a historically important work by a major player in contemporary American history,” Merrill complained. “Their authors are comparative nobodies trying to get rich by feeding off the greatness of someone toward whom they ought to be showing greater respect. To suggest that the Clintons may have been motivated by anything other than an extraordinary commitment to public service is a libel that should not be tolerated.”

In addition to banning such books Merrill suggested that “all profits be confiscated and donated to the Clinton Foundation where they can be more meritoriously deployed for the good of the country.”

Halper said that “the virulence of the Clinton camp’s reaction to the modest success of my book serves to vindicate my thesis that the Clintons run a ruthless political machine.” Klein called “the demand for censorship a very telling confirmation that the facts I presented cannot be refuted.”

Court Ruling on Obamacare Exchanges Assailed

This past week’s D.C. Court of Appeals panel ruling that customers in the 36 states that didn’t establish their own exchange and use HealthCare.gov instead cannot be given premium tax credits was assailed by the program’s backers as “flagrant judicial activism.”

Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest promised that “this insupportable ruling will be ignored. For the Court to insist upon a literal reading of the statute at this late date would unduly hamper the President’s scope of action. He cannot and will not abide having his hands tied by this judicial interference.”

At issue is explicit statutory language in the Affordable Care Act that permits federal subsidies to only those states that set up state healthcare exchanges. Thus far only a third of the states have set up such exchanges. The Obama Administration, though, has been awarding subsidies to all states.

Millions of people have come to depend on these subsidies,” Earnest pointed out. “To cut them off now on the pretext that there is no statutory authority for the subsidies to two-thirds of the nation places legalistic formalism ahead of human rights. That’s not a legacy the President intends to leave behind.”

The original intent of legislative language limiting subsidy eligibility was to proffer an incentive for states to set up exchanges,” explained Jonathan Gruber, one of the architects of the legislation. “By dangling a ‘carrot’ of millions of dollars in federal aid in front of the states it was hoped that they’d be induced to take on the task of establishing healthcare exchanges and relieve the federal government of this burden.”

Gruber characterized the original intent as “no longer operative. Obviously, the lure failed to elicit the response desired. Since the fundamental purpose of Obamacare is to establish a comprehensive and uniform health care system a reinterpretation of the statutory history is required. The interpretation that is currently most in line with the President’s objective is that the exclusionary language was a typographical error. In light of the fact that key participants in the process openly acknowledged that they hadn’t read the bill before voting on it I think there is reasonable grounds for a conclusion that it was a typo. And we can’t let a typo impede social justice.”

The Fourth Circuit Court of Appeals ruling this week seemed to bolster Gruber’s reinterpretation. While agreeing with the DC Court that “the plain language of the statute makes a clear distinction on eligibility for federal subsidies” it refused to believe that “such an ill-conceived and stupid ploy aimed at bribing states to set up exchanges should be allowed to wreak negative impacts on the beneficiaries of government’s handouts.”

Hamas Defends Investment in Tunnels

Recent criticism from Israel that the $1.25 billion Hamas has spent constructing tunnels from Gaza into Israel has cheated Palestinians out of investments in schools or hospitals was rejected by Hamas’s political leader, Khaled Meshal.

The notion that schools or medical care should be a higher priority is a Jewish conceit,” Meshal asserted. “It presumes that Western values should supersede Islamic values. We do not contest that schools or health are important matters, but they pale in contrast to the overwhelmingly more important goal of exterminating the Jewish presence in Palestine.”

The tunnels,” Meshal argued “are a major weapon in our fight to oust the Zionist occupiers. They give us the opportunity to covertly penetrate underneath Israel’s defenses and place our fighters in the midst of vulnerable Jewish populations where they can take a deadly toll.”

An integral component of the tunnel building effort included generous aid from the United States. “The hundreds of millions of dollars the United States has given us freed up funds for the tunnel construction,” Meshal bragged. “So while the United States is nominally pro-Israel on the surface we feel confident that President Obama’s vow to stand with the Muslims is our insurance of a favorable outcome.”

A possible clue to Meshal’s confidence was revealed by the UN Human Rights Council’s 29-1 vote to investigate Israeli war crimes. UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon called the vote “a democratically arrived at truth and the only plausible option for assigning responsibility for the carnage currently wracking the region. Even if the question of Hamas war crimes were to be raised, given the composition of the Council it would be easily voted down. If by some quirk it wasn’t voted down it would simply be ignored by Hamas. Rather than descend into total irrelevance the Council did this. For that I applaud them.”

President Says We’re Better off “on Practically Every Economic Measure”

In an interview on CNBC this past week President Barack Obama boasted that his programs “have made America better off on practically every economic measure.” He contended that “the seemingly negative outcomes cited by my critics stem from false consciousness.”

From a broad perspective let’s consider the declining participation in the workforce that many in the GOP harp on,” Obama suggested. “Work, as any economist will tell you, is a disutility. People don’t work because they want to. They work because they have to. The fact that a growing number of Americans can live their lives without having to work is a positive development.”

From a narrower perspective let’s consider the rising costs of fuel and food—two items excluded from most measures of inflation,” Obama continued. “Has anyone wondered why these items are excluded? It’s because consumption of them contributes to a worsening standard of living. Burning more fuel leads to higher levels of pollution. Rising costs for gasoline helps deter unnecessary travel and reduce pollution. This is good for everyone’s health.”

The same goes for food,” the President added. “Look around you. It couldn’t be more obvious that too many Americans overeat. Rising costs for food can help discourage overeating. The result will be a thinner, trimmer population—which is healthier all around.”

Confirmation that things are a lot better than some want you to think can be found in the Stock Market where share values have reached an all-time highs during my term in office,” Obama said. “The smartest and wisest when it comes to money management are giving a big ‘thumbs up’ to my policies.”

The whining of a small minority who would place their own personal troubles ahead of these more significant collective gains shouldn’t be allowed to distort our perception,” the President concluded. “I’d really like the media to keep this in mind as they report economic news in the run up to the November elections.”

Woman in Labor Blocked by Obama Motorcade

A woman on the verge of giving birth was blocked from crossing the street to get to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center because the road was blocked in anticipation of President Obama’s motorcade passing by. The woman was told to wait on a bus stop bench while staff from the Medical Center crossed the street to her aid.

Los Angeles Police Department spokesman Hector Morales defended the seemingly unnecessary impediment to the woman’s access to health care as “routine protocol. Look, the President of the United States is the world’s most important person. Whatever he is doing must take precedence over anything being done by any person of lesser importance.”

In this particular instance it seems clear that the pregnant woman could have easily crossed the street prior to the arrival of the motorcade taking President Obama to a local fundraiser. Nonetheless, Morales was adamant that “the possible delay of the President even by a few seconds could have major detriment to this country. Suppose a potential donor to the Democratic Party gets ticked off having to wait and declines to write a check? Surely that would hurt the country more than a mother giving birth on a public bench?”

 

 

A Satirical Look at Recent News

 

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

 

Roberts Says Wolf ‘too Inexperienced for Debate’

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Folder2 104Senator Pat Roberts (R-Kan) continued his refusal to debate challenger Dr. Milton Wolf prior to the upcoming August 5 primary election date on the grounds that “Wolf is not qualified to hold such a high office.”

“I’ve been in this political racket for nearly 50 years,” the 78 year-old Roberts pointed out. “I didn’t just leap into the national arena as my first venture into joining the governing elite. I served on the staff of Senator Frank Carlson and Representative Keith Sebelius for over 12 years before I ran for Congress in 1980. Then I put in 16 years in the House before I ran for the Senate.”

“Dr. Wolf wasn’t even born when I began my political career,” Roberts pointed out. “He was just a fuzzy-cheeked kid when I first started bringing home the bacon for the State of Kansas. Even as an adult Wolf made no effort to work his way into government. So he has no track record by which voters can judge his suitability to participate in ruling them. If I debate him it would lend a sheen of credibility to his candidacy that would only make it easier for every upstart outsider to gain unearned attention. This would shake the foundations of the way we do business in Washington. I won’t be a party to it.”

Arizona Anti-Abortion Law Racist Says ACLU, NAACP

The ACLU has filed suit alleging that an Arizona law that bars sex-selective and race-based abortions is racist. He suit was filed on behalf of the NAACP and the National Asian-Pacific American Women’s Forum.

Alexa Kolbi-Molinas of the ACLU insisted that “this law has a racially disparate effect as its intent. African-Americans are nearly four times as likely to opt for abortion as the end point of a pregnancy compared to whites. Consequently, the Arizona law has a chilling impact on what should be a freely taken choice.”

“The barrier to sex-selective abortions introduces a culturally insensitive affront to persons of Asian descent,” Kolbi-Molinas asserted. “In these cultures a male child is valued more highly than a female child. Seeking to block women from terminating a low-valued pregnancy would, in effect, impose a costly unwanted burden in order to mandate adherence to a largely white ideal of equality between the sexes.”

Rep. Steve Montenegro (R-Litchfield Park), sponsor of the law in its course through the Arizona Legislature, maintains that the new lawsuit against the law “reconfirms the necessity for it. The desire of a mother to abort her baby because of its race or sex is barbaric. Whether this barbarism stems from cultural pressures or individual cruelty we owe it to the innocent victims to try to deter such crimes.”

Cost to House Influx of Illegals Stuns Senators

In testimony before the Senate Budget Committee, Department of Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson shocked senators of both parties when he disclosed that it costs between $250 and $1,000 per day per person to house the illegal immigrants that have been surging across our border with Mexico.

“There was an audible gasp, a bipartisan gasp,” Senator Marco Rubio (R., Fla.) recounted. “I could take a luxurious Caribbean cruise every day of the year for a lower total cost. I cannot fathom why the spartan accommodations we are providing for these people should cost so much.”

Senate Budget Committee chairwoman Patty Murray (D-Wash) questioned the applicability of Rubio’s luxury cruise comparison. “While the amount may appear excessive to the untrained observer I’m sure there are unseen factors that we just don’t realize,” Murray presumed. “If Senator Rubio takes a cruise he makes all his own arrangements and may exert some judgment over whether the expenses are worth it. No such latitude is available for these refugees. Housing them is official government business entailing multiple layers of authority and decision making. Who are we to second guess what they do?”

Senator Jay Rockefeller (D-WV) was one of the few that weren’t shocked by the expense. “We pay upwards of $50,000 per year for each prison inmate,” he pointed out. “Let’s face it, government housing is expensive.”

Housing prisoners at $50,000 per inmate per year comes to around $140 per day—far lower than DHS’s estimate for housing the immigrants. “You’ve got to remember that the budgets for prisons aren’t arrived at in a panic situation,” Johnson said. “There’s time to reflect on what might be the most cost-effective methods. The urgency of the immigration crisis eliminates the opportunity to pursue issues of efficiency. It’s Congress’s duty to appropriate whatever amount the President has requested to handle this emergency.”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi suggested that “the high cost of housing these immigrants could be averted if we make use of the vast inventory of unused housing that exists in this country. How many American families have more room than they need? Can’t some of this space be made available on an emergency basis?”

Pelosi said she was unsure of how to make unused housing available but speculated that “President Obama could issue an Executive Order compelling home owners to provide access to their excess capacity. We could look at a home’s square footage and number of rooms, compare that to census data on who currently lives there and make a determination of which homes can take in some of the refugees.”

The United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees concurred in Pelosi’s assessment noting that “the typical American family has far more living room than the refugees that need to be accommodated. Simple equity demands that this excess be shared among these less fortunate people.”

In related news, the New York City Council announced it is prepared to grant citizenship to up to 500,000 illegal immigrants. Mayor Bill de Blasio called the passage of this ordinance “a proud day for our City. While Congress may be too indifferent to act in this time of emergency I’m pleased to see that New Yorkers have stepped in to fill the void. And with the documents we will be giving these immigrants there will be nothing to stop them from enjoying the full fruits of living in America no matter where they choose to go.”

Bill to Curb “Operation Choke Point” Introduced

Rep. Blaine Luetkemeyer (R-Mo) is sponsoring H.R. 4986, the End Operation Choke Point Act of 2014. The bill aims to stem Department of Justice abuse of legitimate businesses.

Under Operation Choke Point the DOJ working in concert with the FTC, FDIC, OCC, CFPB, and FBI has been intimidating banks in order to deny these financial resources to targeted commercial operations. While DOJ claims it is merely combating criminal activity, legal, but pariah businesses like firearms vending, marijuana dispensaries and check cashing firms have frequently been shut off from the banking system.

The Administration opposes the bill. “Even though some businesses may technically be legal their existence still poses a threat to the community,” Attorney General Eric Holder explained. “If we can take action to cut these businesses off from being able to deposit money and write checks we may be able to achieve a goal that Congress has not shown the guts to accomplish on its own.”

“Achieving a policy that Congress has declined to enact is beyond the scope of the Attorney General’s authority,” Luetkemeyer pointed out. “The role of the DOJ is to enforce the laws that exist not concoct schemes to implement laws they think should exist.”

In related news, the DOJ has opened an investigation of Dale Remmich whose float depicting an outhouse labeled “Obama Presidential Library” in a Fourth-of-July parade in Norfolk Nebraska was deemed “unacceptably disrespectful of the President.” “Freedom of speech is not a blank check,” Holder argued. “We have to draw a line. Mr Remmich needs to answer for his insult. At the very least we can make him sweat a bit.”

White House Claims President’s Appointees “Absolutely Immune”

Despite audio evidence of prohibited political activity by Obama Administration officials, White House Counsel Neil Eggleston rejected House Oversight and Government Reform Committee requests for testimony from David Simas, director of the White House Office of Political Strategy and Outreach.

“Mr Simas and, in fact, everyone working for the President is absolutely immune from any demands Congress or the Judicial branch might seek to impose,” Eggleston contended. “To hold otherwise would undermine the President’s authority to rule this country.”

“It would also be unfair to those attempting to carry out the President’s wishes if they were to be held answerable to any other center of power within the government,” Eggleston added. “Their work is difficult enough without adding the complication of worry over whether what the President has ordered them to do may be illegal or not. Obedience should be their only concern and must grant them immunity from oversight.”

House Oversight and Government Reform Committee Chairman Rep. Darrell Issa (R-Calif) characterized Eggleston’s argument as “disturbing. In effect he’s saying that none of the President’s henchmen need answer to anyone other than the President. This is not the action of a limited government as conceived by the Founding Fathers.”

Rep. Elijah Cummings (D-Md) denounced Issa’s “persecution of the servants of the President” and maintained that “only after proof of wrongdoing should we even consider asking for testimony. The only evidence that Mr. Issa has is against former Secretary of Labor Hilda Solis. Since she is no longer with the government the whole issue is, in my opinion, moot.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 151 other followers