Category Archives: John Semmens

Obama Exempts White House from Freedom of Information Act

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnContending that “constant prying by the enemies of this Administration are impeding my ability to smoothly rule this country,” President Obama issued a decree exempting the White House Office of Administration from further compliance with the requirements of the Freedom of Information Act (FOIA).

Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington (CREW) spokesperson Anne Weismann characterized the move as “completely out of step with the President’s supposed commitment to transparency.”

Office of Administration Director Beth Jones defended the move as “a necessary precaution against information falling into the wrong hands. This country is at war with reactionary elements who wouldn’t hesitate to abuse the freedom the law allows to embarrass and discredit the Administration. Well, President Obama isn’t about to let these rogue elements have free rein to scrutinize the inner workings of the government.”

Jones denied that the cancellation of access for persons to hostile to the president contradicts his pledge of transparency. “The windows on a home are transparent, but the owners are well-advised to draw the blinds to prevent peeping Toms from invading their privacy,” Jones asserted. “All we are doing here is drawing the blinds. The President’s friends will still be able to enjoy whatever access he deems necessary to their roles in defense of his policies.”

The Obama Administration has been the most aggressive in US history in its efforts to clamp down on information about what’s going on behind closed doors. It has prosecuted more whistle blowers and sentenced them to longer prison terms than all other presidents combined. This latest move is merely another example of its determination to conduct its business outside the view of the voters.

In related news, the Department of Justice rebuffed a subpoena for former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s emails on the grounds that “mere suspicion that the Secretary may have used her private server as a means of concealing what she was doing is not proof. Until we see proof that she actually concealed something via this stratagem we see no need to pry into her affairs.”

WV Governor Vetoes Gun Bill

West Virginia’s Democratic Gov. Earl Ray Tomblin vetoed a bipartisan bill that would have broadened the scope of concealed carry of guns by law-abiding citizens.

The notion that the citizen is the best line of defense against crimes against himself is one I can’t support,” Tomblin said. “Citizens aren’t properly trained. Allowing them to arm themselves only complicates matters for legitimate law enforcement personnel. If both the perps and their victims are armed how will the police know who to shoot when they arrive on the scene?”

The governor also expressed skepticism about the adage “that when seconds count, the police are only minutes away.” “The idea that deadly force is a victim’s best option is one I reject,” Tomblin said. “An armed victim will be tempted to start a gun fight. An unarmed victim will be forced to seek a nonviolent solution to his predicament. If the perp’s objective is robbery wouldn’t it be simpler and safer to just surrender your wallet? If the perp’s objective is rape, well that takes time and may give the police the chance to intervene before it can be fully consummated.”

The National Rifle Association is reportedly reconsidering how it vets candidates it supports in elections. “We backed this guy,” rued an NRA official requesting anonymity. “We need to do a better job of evaluating the views and intentions of candidates before we give our endorsement or financial support.”

Obama Threatens Israel

Stung by Israeli voters’ rejection of his wishes by their reelection of Prime Minister Netanyahu, US President Barack Obama ominously warned that he is weighing a change to America’s long-standing alliance with the Jewish state.

Israel is the ‘odd man out’ in the Middle East,” Obama told Netanyahu in a post-election phone call. “Six million Jews are pitted against a billion Muslims. Based on democratic principles of majority rule, I don’t see how we can continue to side with a tiny minority against the wishes of the vast majority who would like to see Israel eliminated.”

Maintaining an island of Jews in the midst of a sea of Muslims is a precarious endeavor,” Obama pointed out. “Life would be simpler and less contentious if Israel didn’t exist. For the sake of humanity I’ve got to reassess whether America’s continued efforts to resist Muslim desires to annihilate Israel are worth it.”

Standing aside while a tide of Muslim forces washes over Israel is a low-risk, low-cost option that I’ve got to consider given recent events,” Obama reminded Netanyahu. “Of course, this need not happen if you can bring your views into line with my vision for world peace. Surely, paying the jizya and submitting to Islam has to be less burdensome than trying to defend yourselves against so many enemies.”

ICE Releases Another 30,000 Illegal Alien Criminals

US Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) announced that during 2014 it released another 30,000 illegal aliens with criminal records. This follows the 36,000 it released in 2013. The crimes for which these persons were responsible include homicide, sexual assault, kidnapping, aggravated assault and more than 16,000 incidents of drunk or drugged driving. The released individuals are now free to move about the country.

In testimony before Congress, ICE Director Sarah Saldana characterized this action as “the best option we had available to us given the parameters established by President Obama. Is putting criminals back on the street bad? Yes, but what else could we do? If we deported them they’d just be roaming the streets of Mexico or some other Latin American nation.”

The people of Latin America have already suffered enough,” Saldana argued. “Their lives are marked by profound poverty leading to malnutrition, illness, and shortened lives. Rather than further intensify this suffering, it is the President’s view that our more prosperous society can more easily bear the burden of coping with these criminal elements. We have many government programs providing sustenance for those residing in the United States. We have free medical care for those unable to afford it. And most Americans have better means to protect themselves against crime. They can insure their valuables, install burglar alarms, and can carry concealed weapons—something no Latin American government permits.”

It should be obvious that global welfare will, on balance, be greater if the United States absorbs more of the depredations inflicted by the criminals in the population than if we selfishly try to isolate ourselves from the migration of underprivileged peoples seeking a fairer allocation of humanity’s collective wealth,” she concluded.

In related news, Democrats on the Senate Budget Committee blocked legislation that would prevent illegal immigrants from collecting billion of dollars in refundable tax credits to which they are not legally entitled. Sen. Debbie Stabenow (D-Mich) contested the idea that these illegal payments might be wrong. “A more important question than whether these payments are or aren’t illegal is whether they are needed,” Stabenow declared. “Illegal immigrants are among the poorest of our citizens. Their moral claim on this money should override any persnickety concerns about legality.”

Democrats Torpedo Human Trafficking Bill

Legislation aimed at deterring human trafficking (kidnapping people and selling them into slavery—especially as prostitutes) was stifled by a Democratic filibuster in the US Senate this week. The offending clause in the bill, as Democrats see it, is language that would bar federal funds being used to fund abortions.

Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif) explained that “inasmuch as unwanted pregnancy is an even worse fate than being sold as a sex slave we cannot abide placing any limits on a woman’s right to an abortion. A sex slave merely has to endure occasional interludes of undesired intercourse. A woman denied an abortion is forced to carry another human being inside her body for nine months—bearing all the risks and consequences, such as stretch marks that will disfigure her for the rest of her life.”

GOP Urged Not to Lose Sleep Over Possible Executive Tax Hikes

Press Secretary Josh Earnest advised Republicans “not to lose any sleep over the president using his executive power to raise taxes. First, it hasn’t happened yet. So why fret about something that may not occur?”

Second, and even more important, if the president does decide to raise taxes there’s nothing anybody can do to stop him,” Earnest added. “The Internal Revenue Service is subordinate to his authority. If he orders them to increase the government’s take from taxpayers they will unhesitatingly obey. They most certainly won’t be swayed by anything any member of Congress or the courts might say or do in opposition.”

In related news, prospective presidential candidate Hillary Clinton suggested that “it may be worthwhile for us to look into the possibility of establishing reeducation camps where the nation’s political leaders could be trained to cooperate for the good of the whole. Right now, too much energy goes into fruitless partisan wrangling over policies instead of into efforts to implement them.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Obama Admin May Bypass Congress, Seek UN Approval of Iran Deal

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThis week the Obama Administrationhas indicated it may bypass Congress and go directly to the United Nations to obtain international approval of its pending agreement with Iran.

US UN Ambassador Samantha Power cited “the traitorous actions of the 47 United States Senators’ who attempted to limit the president’s authority with that open letter they signed. They made it clear that their loyalty to the president is in question. Their insistence on using the Constitution as a cloak for Congressional interference has forced the Administration to seek an alternate path toward solidifying the agreement.”

The “alternate path” would be to obtain the UN’s endorsement of the deal. “Once the UN approves the agreement, Congressional participation becomes moot and unnecessary,” Power contended. “The US Constitution applies to only one nation. It’s authority is superseded by the authority of the United Nations, which is global in scope.”

GOP reactions were mixed. Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) denounced the idea saying that “The United Nations has no authority whatsoever to bind the United States of America.” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ken), though, conceded that “it looks like President Obama may have out maneuvered us again. We’ll have no alternative but to appropriate the funds needed to implement the UN-approved treaty.”

Over in the House, Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) endorsed the UN gambit saying that “the Republicans have only themselves to blame. They could’ve been part of this historic agreement if they had dutifully followed the president’s lead. By trying to stake out an independent course they have made themselves irrelevant. Senator McConnell’s 11th hour effort to try to grab a piece of the credit by offering to appropriate funds is an exercise in futility. President Obama will appropriate monies as needed via executive action.”

Driver’s Licenses for Illegals Leads to Abundance of Organ Donors

The California Transplant Donor Network hailed California’s policy of granting driver’s licenses to persons in the country illegally for boosting organs available for transplant by an estimated 30 percent.

Marcella Corona, community development liaison for the Transplant Donor Network, cited two factors she felt were “critical components of this good news. Obviously, by putting more drivers on the road there will be more potential crashes resulting in brain-dead victims—the prime source of organs for transplant. But the gains are likely to be even greater than mere numbers portend. On average, the driving skills of people from Latin America are decades behind those of native Americans. This creates a statistic probability there will be a larger ratio of crashes per vehicle-mile of travel. A larger ratio of crashes on a larger base of vehicle-miles means more organs will be available for transplant.”

The demographics of the crashes is also good news for Hispanics waiting for organs,” Corona pointed out. “With an increase in the number of persons of similar ethnic origin suffering fatal consequences on the road, the chances for a tissue match will be improved. More Hispanic lives can then be saved by timely transplants.”

In related news, migrants from Central America are demanding that the US government provide safer transportation to the US-Mexican border. “Too many compadres are being hurt or killed hopping la bestia (the name migrants have given the freight trains they ride transiting Mexico),” complained amputee Manuel Obrero. Obrero lost a leg when he fell between the cars of the train. “There needs to be a safer way for us to get here.”

The ACLU is reportedly considering filing a class action lawsuit on behalf of Obrero and others injured while making their way to the United States. “By his actions, President Obama, in effect, invited these people to come,” said ACLU spokesman Bertram Petty. “At the same time, the United States has not done enough to ensure a safe trip. In our view, these people are owed damages under the ‘attractive nuisance’ doctrine.”

Obama Administration Asks Appeals Court to Void Injunction

Lawyers for the Obama Administration filed suit in the New Orleans-based 5th Circuit U.S. Court of Appeals, asking it to overturn federal Judge Andrew Hanen’s injunction prohibiting further executive action granting additional rights and privileges to amnestied illegal aliens.

Judge Hanen’s order is unprecedented and wrong,” claimed Administration attorney Abby Lyon. “First of all, a mere district court judge lacks the standing to impede a policy ordered by the president of the United States,” Lyon said. “Second, Judge Hanen was appointed by former President Bush, who is no longer this country’s reigning chief executive. Consequently, Hanen has no mandate to interfere with the actions of the President.”

A further aggravating factor, according to Lyon, is that “Hanen’s ruling came in response to a petition by 26 states that objected to the president’s executive grant of rights to these previously undocumented Americans. The determination of who is and isn’t entitled to the rights and privileges of Americans is a federal, not a state matter. Thus, these states lack standing to appeal any actions taken by the federal government.”

In related news, the White House has refused to respond to Sen. James Lankford’s (R-OK) inquiry regarding President Obama’s threat to inflict “consequences on federal employees who heed Hanen’s injunction and continue to enforce immigration laws in contravention of my wishes.” Press Secretary Josh Earnest explained that “the president is too busy ruling this country to have time to answer criticisms from his political enemies.”

Kerry Says Admin Won’t Destroy ISIL

Secretary of State John Kerry boasted that “we have the capacity to knock out ISIL, but we’re not going to do it. Eliminating these murderous thugs is not part of the President’s vision for the transformation of America.”

By way of explanation, Kerry pointed out that “in the movies, Lex Luthor is a vile criminal, yet Superman never kills him. Why? It’s because there needs to be a balance between good and evil. The same thing can be said for how we respond to ISIL. Wiping them out risks upsetting the balance between good and evil. We need them as much as they need us to continue the cosmic battle between contending forces that we call ‘history.’”

Kerry contrasted the “simplistic call for victory over terrorism to the President’s more nuanced understanding. Those who have been paying attention will note that President Obama repeatedly calls for ‘degrading ISIL’s capabilities.’ He hasn’t called for their defeat or annihilation. He has the sophistication to grasp the truth that eludes his critics—evil will never be vanquished. It’s a fundamental part of the human condition. All we can do is try to weaken it, contain it, and learn to live with it.”

Feds Fund “Diet Choker” Technology

With the aid of a $148,000 federal grant, engineers at the University of California Los Angeles (UCLA) have developed what they call a “diet choker.” The device is a necklace that detects what and when a person is eating. This information is then communicated by phone.

Lead researcher Majid Sarrafzadeh called the device “a breakthrough for healthy eating. If it detects excessive quantities are consumed or poor food choices are made it can be programmed to call the person’s cell phone to remind them that their choice is an unhealthy one.”

If individuals prove insufficiently motivated to alter their behavior with this reminder, the device can also be programmed to alert a dietary enforcement authority,” Sarrafzadeh said. “That way, if the individual’s will power is weak, external intervention can be introduced to control what is eaten. The end result will be a happier and healthier America.”

First Lady Michelle Obama lauded the invention as “ingenious. We’ve been trying to educate people on the proper way to eat, but this choker offers a much more robust interface between dietary experts and individual consumers. If the device could be programmed to give real time feedback—say a mild electric shock when inappropriate foods or gluttonous quantities are ingested—we’ll have a powerful new weapon against obesity.”

Social Security Rolls Show 6.5 Million Centenarians

Although the worldwide population of persons older than 112 years of age is estimated to be only three dozen, an investigation by the inspector general revealed that the Social Security Administration (SSA) has active accounts for 6.5 million persons over that age.

Obviously, there aren’t really 6.5 million persons that old living in America. Obviously, many recipients who have been long dead are regularly mailed benefits checks by SSA. Obviously, millions of identities have been stolen and are being used to rack up potential benefits.

Sens. Ron Johnson (R-Wis) and Tom Carper (D-Del), who head the Senate committee that oversees the Social Security Administration, called the IG’s findings “incredible” and “a serious problem.”

Acting Commissioner Carolyn Colvin rejected the IG’s recommendation that her agency make efforts to correct its records saying that “the recommendation would create a significant manual and labor-intensive workload and provide no benefit to the administration of our programs. Our philosophy is that it is better to allow a thousand ineligible payments than to deny one that is rightfully owed. President Obama has been consulted and has confirmed this approach. We see no need to change course.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Dems Label Inquiry into Hillary’s Emails ‘Witch Hunt’

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThe revelation that former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s use of an insecure private email account for top secret communications has even liberal commentators concerned.

On MSNBC’s TV news show Morning Joe, Lawrence O’Donnell, a self-described “practical European socialist,” observed that “e-mail system was set up obviously to defy the freedom of Information Act.” Co-Host, Mika Brzezinski agreed saying “this wasn’t honest.”

On the other hand, State Department spokeswoman Marie Harf attempted to rebuff criticism by repeating Clinton’s infamous “what difference does it make at this point?” remark the then Secretary of State made in her appearance before a Congressional committee investigating the murder of US Ambassador Chris Stevens in Libya in 2012. “Even if she did have classified information on this computer there is nothing we can do now to undo any damage that theoretically might have been done,” Harf declared. “So we might as well drop the issue.”

Rep. Elijah Cummings (D-Md) echoed Harf’s view calling House Committee on Benghazi Chairman Rep. Trey Gowdy’s (R-SC) efforts to subpoena Clinton’s emails “a witch hunt and an invasion of privacy. As I understand it, Secretary Clinton used this email for everything—including planning the wedding of her daughter. Exposing such private and intimate details of this great family’s personal lives repeats the wrongs done by Kenneth Starr’s prurient interest in former President Clinton’s sex life. Isn’t it time we ended the persecution?”

Cummings also warned that “prying into these emails could have a chilling effect on the Clinton Foundation’s fund-raising. A lot of those making million dollar donations would prefer that their identities remain concealed. They don’t want some nosy Republicans sniffing out their names. Fear that this could happen acts as a disincentive to other prospective donors and stunts the rewards the Clintons can reap from their public service.”

Complicating the issue is Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s 2011 directive forbidding Department employees from using their personal email systems for government business because “personal email is more vulnerable to being hacked by foreign adversaries.” US Ambassador to Kenya Scott Gration was removed from office by Ms. Clinton for violating this directive.

In related news, Rep. Cummings may face criminal charges for his role in urging and aiding the IRS to illegally discriminate against conservative organizations in 2012. An unapologetic Cummings defended his actions as “a demonstration of my loyalty to President Obama and my willingness to ‘go the extra mile’ to protect him from his enemies.” He also boasted that “GOP efforts to get me will come to nothing. The President will veto any prosecution and if that doesn’t work he’ll pardon me if I’m ever convicted of anything.”

Controversial Imam Hired by DOJ Bureau of Prisons

Fouad El Bayly, an Egyptian-born imam who in 2007 said that Somali-born activist Ayaan Hirsi Ali should be killed, has been hired by the Department of Justice Bureau of Prisons to teach classes and provide leadership and guidance to Muslims who are in federal prison.

Bureau of Prisons Director Charles Samuels, Jr. sees no problem with hiring El Bayly, “as I understand it, Hirsi Ali is an apostate. Under the tenets of Islam she should be put to death. That El Bayly has said so merely demonstrates his bonafides as a genuine Muslim scholar. If anything, this should vindicate our selection of him to preach to fellow Muslims residing in federal prisons.”

Hirsi Ali is not only an apostate from Islam, she also wrote the script for Dutch director Theo van Gogh’s documentary–Submission—which connected so-called random acts of violence committed by Muslims with passages from Islam’s holy scripture. Van Gogh was murdered in the street by a Muslim for “insulting Islam.”

Barring a person from employment just because his religious beliefs contradict those with which Americans are more comfortable would be a violation of his Constitutional rights,” Samuels explained. “While our government may not yet be able to suppress anti-Muslim prejudices in the broader society, we can try to set an example by preventing these prejudices from interfering with how the government treats this besieged minority.”

Cruz Health Care Choice Act Labeled “Exercise in Futility”

This past week Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Tex) introduced his Health Care Choice Act. If enacted, this bill would repeal Obamacare’s insurance mandate and allow consumers to purchase a health insurance plan in any state. Cruz characterized his bill as “a true market-based reform that will make health insurance more personal and affordable, giving consumers the freedom to select plans that fit their needs from any vendor in America.”

Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest labeled the bill “an exercise in futility. We doubt he can get it past his own Party’s Congressional Leadership. The president is confident that either Senate Majority Leader McConnell or House Speaker Boehner will abort this baby before it sees the light of day. If by some freak circumstance they fail in their mission, the President will veto it.”

The title of Cruz’s bill tells you everything you need to know about why it’s wrong for America,” Earnest continued. “Choice is not the answer to this country’s health care crisis. We had choice before the Affordable Care Act was passed. That system failed because too many people chose not to buy insurance. The ACA solved that problem by making insurance compulsory.”

It is the President’s position that when people are allowed to choose they will not choose wisely,” Earnest said. “By relieving people from the burden of having to choose we are freeing them to devote their time and energy to more pleasurable pursuits. This new kind of freedom is the core goal of the President’s promised fundamental transformation of this country. He will not abide a turn backward toward out-dated concepts of freedom.”

Obama Unimpressed by Netanyahu Speech

While GOP members of Congress seemed mostly impressed by Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s speech on dealing with Iran, President Obama was not.

He didn’t say anything new,” Obama complained. “It was just the same old story about Jews being threatened with annihilation. Iranian officials may have said on several occasions that wiping Israel off the map was their goal, but I have a feeling that they’re just bluffing. Even if they aren’t I doubt that they could succeed where the much more powerful Nazi war machine did not.”

And even if the Iranians did wipe Israel off the map this doesn’t mean all of its people would necessarily perish,” the president argued. “Death is only one of three possible fates that the Jews would face. They could continue to live under Muslim rule as Jews by submitting and paying the jizya. Or they could convert. If the Jews are exterminated it will be due to their stubbornness and arrogance in continuing to occupy Muslim lands.”

From a broader perspective we should keep in mind the fact that Jews represent a very small portion of humanity—less than two-tenths of one percent, I think,” Obama added. “Even if every Jew were eliminated, natural growth of the global population would make up this loss in about two months. So, they’d scarcely be missed. In fact, the disappearance of this segment of humanity might usher in a more peaceful era. Other ancient peoples like the Hittites and Olmecs disappeared. Would it really be so bad if Jews also went extinct?”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) seconded the president’s sentiments pointing out that “there are ten times as many Iranians as there are Israelis. We shouldn’t get sucked into siding with the less populated and weaker nation. Surely the well-being of 77 million Iranians must take precedence over Israel’s six million Jews. Allowing Netanyahu to insult Iran from the podium in our Congress was a strategic mistake.”

IRS Insists Giving Tax Refunds to Illegal Aliens Is “the Least We Can Do”

The IRS has announced plans to follow up President Obama’s illegal grant of amnesty to persons in this country illegally with a program that will permit illegal aliens to receive tax refunds for taxes they never paid.

IRS Commissioner John Koskinen defended the move as “a necessary component of the President’s vision for America’s future. The vast majority of these immigrants are poor. They will need substantial help if the President’s dream of transforming our culture is to become a reality. Diverting some of America’s excess wealth to these people via tax refunds is one way of making this happen.”

Koskinen’s view was bolstered by President Obama’s speech celebrating the 50th anniversary of Martin Luther King’s Selma march. In the speech Obama said “giving amnestied illegal immigrants the same rights as citizens is a way of honoring Dr. King’s message of brotherhood and equality. President Lincoln freed the slaves from bondage, but a century of Jim Crow laws, discrimination and poverty continued to oppress African-Americans.”

Let’s not make the same mistake today,” Obama said. “I have opened the door to freedom for Latin American people oppressed by corrupt governments south of our border. Let’s not make these liberated millions live in the shadows of second-class status for a hundred years. Let’s accelerate their integration into our society by giving them the sustenance they need and the full rights of citizenship so they can be active participants in selecting the rulers who will govern us all.”

In light of the president’s recent remarks, I think everyone can agree that our plan to give them tax refunds is the least we can do,” Koskinen concluded.

In related news, the Government Accountability Office (GAO) reported that the federal government made nearly $125 billion in improper payments during fiscal year 2014. These are payments made for services not rendered, merchandise not received, and to recipients not eligible to receive the money. Nearly $18 billion in improper payments were made through the Earned Income Tax Credit (EITC)–the very mechanism by which the IRS proposes to pay tax refunds to amnestied illegal aliens.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

FCC Issues Secret Regulations for Internet

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnAnxious to rescue the Internet from what Federal Communications Chairman Tom Wheeler called a “regime of anarchy,” the FCC approved over 300 pages of new rules designed “to bring order to this disorderly segment of our society.”

Right now, pretty much anyone with access to the web can do or say whatever he wants,” Wheeler pointed out. “This is very distressing to President Obama. At his urging we have adopted rules modeled on policies laid down by our agency in the 1930s.”

While loath to go into specifics “so as not to lose the very useful element of surprise as we attack those who might abuse their liberty to deviate from what promotes the common good,” Wheeler acknowledged that “folks can be reassured that we will prohibit any and every individual or corporate action that we deem injurious to the nation’s collective well-being.”

Criticism that this move is “Obamacare for the Internet” failed to faze the FCC Chairman. “We don’t buy into the premise that Obamacare has been a failure,” he countered. “Many people who didn’t have health insurance before have it now. Those who have refused to obtain insurance are being punished. The health industry is being transformed. We’d be proud if we accomplish similar results in the field of communication.”

Senator Mike Lee (R-Utah) expressed his doubts that “subjecting what has thus far been a very dynamic feature of modern life to oversight by nameless, faceless, unelected bureaucrats will lead to good results. The pace of innovation is bound to be slowed by bureaucratic supervision. Lower quality and higher prices seem certain.”

Lower quality and higher prices are not the unmitigated evil that advocates of anarchy like Senator Lee would have everyone believe,” Wheeler contended. “If the trade-off is a fairer system, I think the average person would gladly make that exchange.”

President Takes Defiant Stand on Amnesty

President Obama announced that “we have expanded my authorities,” and bragged that “my enemies are powerless to stop me from going forward with what is right for America.”

One of the “enemies” the President cited with scorn “is that Texas judge who thinks a court order can prevail against me. If President Jackson could defy the Supreme Court why should I have to heed a mere district judge? I am Commander-in-Chief of the world’s most powerful army. The nation’s largest police force—the FBI—works for me. What resources does Judge Hanen control?”

Obama warned that “those who contradict my directives must know that they will face consequences for their disobedience. The excuse that my directives do not comply with existing statutes will not get anyone off the hook. Those who work for the federal government put their jobs at risk. Those who don’t can still be harassed by the swarms of officers I can send to eat out their substance.”

The President also dared Congress to “pass a law aimed at reining in my expanded authorities and I will veto it. My veto will not be overridden because a sufficient number of congressmen agree with the revisions I am making to existing laws. We are in concert that adherence to out-dated processes should not stand in the way of doing what is morally right. History will show that the bold leadership of one man is a simpler and more efficient way to run the country.”

In related news, the Administration cited the President’s newly expanded authorities in the disbursement of $3 billion to health insurers to help cover losses under the Obamacare program. Treasury Secretary Jack Lew explained that “an adjustment to the Affordable Care Act was necessitated by Congress’ failure to fully indemnify insurers against losses under the program.” Lew dismissed the objection that only Congress is empowered to appropriate federal money as “overly formalistic. Slavish devotion to arcane procedures shouldn’t outweigh the responsibility to do the right thing. Fortunately, we have a president who understands this.”

Departing AG Laments Difficulty of Making Case for Civil Rights Abuses

Citing the difficulties his office encountered in pursuing charges against George Zimmerman and Darren Wilson, retiring Attorney General Eric Holder urged that changes be made in order to make it easier for the government to bring and win civil rights cases.

The ‘beyond reasonable doubt’ standard is too daunting,” Holder complained. “Does anyone seriously doubt that there was an element of racial bias in the shootings of Trayvon Martin and Michael Brown? In my opinion, centuries of the oppression of minorities in this country proves that racism is deeply embedded in the culture. It would be unreasonable to presume that racism did not play a role in the deaths of these two young men.”

Holder suggested that “to better balance the ‘scales of justice’ we need to be allowed to look at the whole history of race relations in order to place recent killings of Black men into context. The long run conduct of whites toward Blacks establishes a pattern of behavior that could generally be described as criminal. Fitting the actions of Zimmerman and Wilson into this pattern proves that a lengthy criminal conspiracy by whites against Blacks is ongoing. It should have been Zimmerman’s and Wilson’s burden to conclusively prove that they are not part of this conspiracy to escape a finding that they violated the civil rights of Martin and Brown.”

In related news, Holder’s temporary grant of authority to the Director of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives (BATFE) to seize and “administratively forfeit” property was made permanent. “Having to go to court to seize property is time-consuming and tiresome,” Holder said. “Seizing property and forcing the previous owner to go to court and prove that it should not have been seized is more efficient. Many of those dispossessed will lack the resources or will to contest the seizure. Selling the seized property can provide revenue for the Agency without having to go through the cumbersome congressional appropriations process.”

Executive Action Underway to Ban Bullets

President Obama has ordered the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives (BATFE) to write a regulation banning 5.56mm ammo. This is the type of bullet used in the AR-15 style semi-automatic—the top-selling rifle in the country.

BATFE Director B. Todd Jones characterized the proposed new rule as “pure genius on the part of the President. The Second Amendment guarantees the right to bear arms. It doesn’t say anything about ammunition. By going after the bullets we skirt all the arguments the NRA uses to block government’s efforts to disarm the public.”

Chairman of the House Judiciary Committee, Rep. Bob Goodlatte (R-Va) called Jones’ reasoning “lame. It makes no sense to separate the weapon from the ammunition. For the Amendment to effectively protect the citizens’ right to self defense it must protect both the firearm and the bullets.”

Jones attempted to rebut Goodlatte’s argument by asserting that “the need for self defense in our modern society is taken care of by the police. Since the police will be exempt from the ban their ability to defend the general population will be unimpeded by the new regulation.”

The AR-15 is a particularly inappropriate weapon for ordinary citizens to own,” Jones maintained. “It is the type of firearm that is more properly within the sphere of the military. If such weapons are in the hands of the general public it conveys a notion of possible opposition to the government in a quasi-military way. It could give people the idea that using these weapons to oppose their government is a possibility. The President was emphatic about derailing such an idea by any means possible. That’s what we intend to do.”

Lawyers for Accused Boston Marathon Bomber Demand Charges Be Dropped

Lawyers for Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, the person accused of complicity in the Boston Marathon bombing, are demanding that charges against their client be dropped.

The law guarantees every person accused of a crime will be judged by a jury of his peers,” said Judith Mizner, lead attorney for the defense. “Mr. Tsarnaev’s peers are his fellow jihadis. None of them can set foot in the courtroom without fear of being arrested. Consequently, Mr. Tsarnaev’s fundamental civil right to a jury of his peers cannot be fulfilled. His indictment should be dismissed.”

The federal appeals court in Massachusetts, though, denied Mizner’s request. “Brought to its logical conclusion, the defense’s argument would insist that only criminals could sit on juries hearing criminal cases,” the Court wrote in rendering its ruling. “The ‘peers’ requirement is considered met as long as a jury can be randomly selected from a pool of citizens in the jurisdiction.”

The Court’s decision, though, was not unanimous. Judge Juan Torruella wrote in a dissent that “in light of the fact that the crime for which the defendant is being tried was a random attack in a public place, any member of the community may consider himself or herself a target. It is impossible to draw an unbiased jury from such a pool. Further, the crime is so notorious that it is unlikely that an untainted jury pool can be found within the United States. The request to dismiss the indictment and switch the venue to the Islamic State should have been granted.”

In related news, Benjamin Wagner, U.S. Attorney for California’s Eastern District, averred that “an anti-Muslim backlash is, in the Administration’s view, a greater threat than terrorism itself. Our best estimate is that about 150 Americans have joined ISIL. In contrast, there are around 300 million guns in the hands of private citizens in this country. A significant percentage of these armed citizens are likely to harbor ill will toward President Obama. Dealing with this clearly has to take precedence over worrying about the comparatively smaller risk we face from Muslim extremists.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Government Panel Calls for Measures to Upgrade Our Health

BJohn Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThe Dietary Guidelines Advisory Committee (DGAC) issued a 571 page report outlining its recommendations for transforming Americans’ health. Citing persistent high levels of overweight and obesity, the report proposed “strategies across multiple settings, including health care, communities, schools, work sites, and families.”

First Lady Michelle Obama hailed the report as “the guiding light toward a healthier and happier America. The notion that individuals can be left on their own to choose what they eat and how much to exercise has proven to be a failure. DGAC’s call for ‘trained interventionists’ to take charge is the right message at the right time.”

These “interventions” are expected to include “limiting access to high calorie foods, censoring advertisements for unhealthy choices, and punitive taxes on foods with high sugar or salt content.” The DGAC report also urged a shift toward a more vegetarian diet. “While most people have a very negative view of the role Adolf Hitler has played in human history, one thing that is repeatedly overlooked was his dedication to vegetarianism,” the report said. “His efforts to set an example that others might follow is an under appreciated aspect of his contribution toward a healthier human race—both in terms of what we put in our bodies and in the positive impact on global climate change that a shift away from meat consumption would accomplish.”

What people ingest is only part of the problem,” the First Lady pointed out. “Too many of us camp out in front of the TV and neglect to get enough exercise. We have the means now to track everything people watch and how much time they spend watching it. We can use this information to target individuals needing more external influence over their choices for how they use their leisure time.”

The DGAC report characterized personal health as “a human right that the government must guarantee to everyone, whether they want it or not. Individual deviation from healthy choices affects the collective well-being of others. Deterring this deviationism is a crucial step toward a healthier society.”

Beheadings in Libya Said to Vindicate Obama’s Warning

The Islamic State’s claim that the beheading of 21 Egyptian Christians was justified as vengeance for the Crusades was cited by US Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest “as a total vindication of the President’s speech at the National Prayer Breakfast two weeks ago.”

That a cycle of violence initiated by Christians centuries ago would come back to haunt practitioners of that faith today should not have been unexpected,” Earnest maintained. “The Crusaders killed hundreds of thousands of Muslims. The ISIL reprisals in Libya were modest and restrained in comparison. Once again, the President’s wisdom and insight have clarified what others have either failed to see or have attempted to distort.”

Earnest also chided those who have lampooned deputy spokesperson for the US Department of State, Marie Harf’s suggestion that the long run remedy for dealing with Islamic terrorism is to give them jobs. “Even if we ignore the possibility that a job might remove the incentive for violence, it should be obvious that the hours a person is working for a wage are hours that are unavailable for engaging in jihad,” Earnest argued.

Whether the Obama Administration’s plan to offer would-be jihadis jobs has any chance of success was thrown into doubt by reports from Uruguay that Gitmo detainees released to that country are refusing to accept employment. Abu Wa’el, one of the former detainees, went on TV to reject the idea that he and his comrades should join the workforce. “We are fighters for Allah,” he boasted. “We cannot waste our time laboring like kafirs. In a just world they would be serving us as our price for letting them live.”

Wa’el demands that “the Uruguayan government should bear the cost of our upkeep so that we can remain free to work toward the ultimate victory of Islam.” President of Uruguay Pepe Mujica is said to be ruing what he thought would be a humanitarian gesture of gaining these men their release from an American prison. “Their evil intent is moderated only by their sloth,” Mujica lamented. “I now fear we will never dislodge this wretched refuse from our shores.”

In related news, CNN host Carol Costello asserted that “right wing extremists are more dangerous than ISIS. As bad as ISIS might be perceived, there is no risk that they will topple our government. Despite their rhetoric, even they must understand that anyone who would succeed President Obama would be much less sympathetic to their cause. Right wingers, on the other hand, wouldn’t think twice about bringing down the Obama Administration. Clearly, they are the greater threat to our government.”

Democrat Defends Obama’s “Tough Love” for America

In the wake of his questioning of President Obama’s love for this country, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani is catching flak from Democratic National Committee chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz.

This kind of comment is unwelcome and dangerous,” Schultz said. “The President is the most powerful person on the planet. Insulting him like this is tantamount to poking a lion with a stick. What can Giuliani be thinking?”

“What people need to understand is that President Obama is not a ‘rah-rah’ or ‘God bless America’ type of patriot,” Schultz explained. “He’s just the only president to be completely honest about how bad America and its people have been to humanity. This nation’s history of slavery and discrimination have forever besmirched its reputation. No Republican would’ve had the courage to be so honest.”

“Neither would any Republican dare to assail the selfishness of the successful as forthrightly as President Obama has,” Schultz continued. “Their hesitancy to face the need for the government to seize the superfluous wealth of those lucky enough to have the energy, motivation, and intelligence to thrive in the marketplace is a mark of their cowardice.’

“The President’s love for this country is what we call ‘tough love,’” Schultz concluded. “He’s not afraid to kick our asses and demand that we be better than we want to be. For a slacker like Giuliani to show such disrespect to the President for doing what he has to do to shape us up is horrible.”

One American whose ass was kicked in a demonstration of government’s “tough love” is 71-year-old Barronelle Stutzman. Stutzman is set to lose her home and life’s savings for refusing to sell flowers to a couple for their gay wedding. Benton County Superior Court Judge Alex Ekstrom ruled that “the fact that the couple had no problem obtaining flowers from another vendor doesn’t mitigate the fact that she broke the law—which allows for no exceptions due to religious beliefs. The severity of her punishment serves as a deterrent to others who might place their own opinions ahead of the dictates of the statute.”

Vice-President Joe Biden praised Ekstrom’s ruling saying “it’s the kind of bitter medicine we must force down the throats of those who use the Bible as an excuse to defy the government’s creation of new human rights for formerly oppressed persons. It is my devout wish that the ruin inflicted on this grandmother, as well as others who espouse this kind of hate, will prompt the obedience the President is trying to instill across the land. Without obedience there can be no fundamental transformation.”

Court Ruling Won’t Impede Amnesty

U.S. District Court for the Southern District of Texas, Judge Andrew Hanen’s ruling against the Obama Administration’s unilateral rewriting of the nation’s immigration laws has Democrats incensed. Hanen demolished the Administration’s contention that President Obama’s actions were within his “prosecutorial discretion.” “It is within the President’s discretion not to prosecute individuals who have broken our laws,” the Judge said. “It is not within his discretion to create new laws without Congressional legislation.”

Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson vowed to press ahead regardless of the ruling. “The opinion of a single judge in Texas can’t overturn the decision of the President to revamp the way this country handles immigration,” Johnson decreed. “President Obama was elected by the people to be the sovereign ruler of the United States. Hanen wasn’t elected by anyone. The scope of his authority does not entitle him to scrutinize, much less void, the actions taken by the President.”

Rep. Luis Gutierrez (D-IL) predicted that “this court’s ruling will be ignored. The immigrants will continue to come and the President will provide them with the papers they need to establish themselves as full citizens. A tidal wave of their votes will sweep all amnesty opponents out of office in 2016.”

Mexico’s Foreign Minister José Antonio Meade Kuribreña denounced the court ruling calling it “a futile attempt to derail the reconquista. No one will obey it. With the assistance of President Obama, our people will reclaim the lands stolen from Mexico by President Polk and his army in 1848.”

In related news, Rep. Keith Ellison (D-MN) demanded federal legislation that would bar states from requiring voters to be registered. “Voting should be a universal human right,” Ellison claimed. “No state should be allowed to restrict any human from exercising this right. The whole process should be simple—every human who shows up at the polls should be given a ballot to cast.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Amnesty ‘Loophole’ May Allow Illegals to Vote

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnSecretaries of state from Ohio and Kansas say that the documents—driver’s licenses and Social Security numbers—being provided to the illegal immigrants granted amnesty by President Obama open a “loophole” that will make it easy for these non-citizens to vote in our elections.

Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest questioned the characterization of potential voting by these persons as a “loophole. I would say it would be more accurately described as a ‘feature’ of the President’s executive action regarding the ‘dreamers’ he is trying to aid.”

Earnest also took issue with the premise that the “dreamers” being granted these privileges are “non-citizens. The President’s intent is to bring these people out of the shadows and into the light by normalizing their status. An important part of the normalization process is having the right to exercise all the privileges extended to other Americans—including voting.”

Excluding these folks from voting would shut them out from enjoying the very basic human right of participating in the selection of those who rule them,” Earnest declared. “That would be tyranny. This country is indeed fortunate that a person able to break free of the prejudices and out-dated constraints that have hampered previous presidents has taken the bold step of decreeing a new reality.”

The Press Secretary expressed the hope that “these secretaries of state won’t take the same futile obstructionist road that the Alabama Supreme Court attempted to take on gay marriage. Voluntary cooperation in the issuance of key state documents like driver’s licenses and voter registration is preferred, but the President will not hesitate to enforce compliance if that cooperation is resisted or delayed.”

In related news, the Obama Administration has ordered U.S. Border Patrol agents to release illegals driving under the influence of alcohol or drugs. The directive signed by outgoing Attorney General Eric Holder warned agents “not to impose American standards of sobriety on persons raised in a different culture. Yankee imperialism must not spread its tentacles into places where it doesn’t belong.”

UN Official: Capitalism Must Be Destroyed for Sake of Planet

In remarks to an inner cadre of the U.N.’s Framework Convention on Climate Change, Executive Secretary Christiana Figueres, maintained that “economic progress since the Industrial Revolution has gone too far. The Earth is in danger of being overrun by unconstrained prosperity.”

Capitalists like to contend that the increased life expectancies and material well-being of billions of people is some sort of proof that the system is a good thing,” Figueres said. “But they are wrong. Billions more humans living longer lives in greater luxury is a problem, not a benefit.”

There is no objective evidence proving that people living longer is better in a collective sense for all the biota of the planet,” Figueres continued. “What about all of the other animals and plants whose lives may have been made worse off by the success of this one species?”

Nether is there any objective proof that the freedom and opportunity the market system imposes on people is a source of happiness,” Figueres argued. “Freedom and opportunity force people to make choices. If these choices don’t turn out well, people may experience guilt or regret. Failures would then be largely an individual’s own fault. If we transition to a system where the important decisions are made for people by ruling authorities we will relieve them of their feelings of guilt and regret. Their suffering wouldn’t be their own fault.”

Figueres hailed the anti-global warming movement as “an ingenious innovation in social thought. World leaders and the media have done a masterful job of elevating normal climate fluctuations into a crisis justifying stern government measures to rein-in the excesses of human achievement. This will make the necessary culling of the human herd in order to save the planet an attainable goal within the next decade or two.”

Walker’s Lack of College Degree Called “Disqualifying”

Unsuccessful presidential candidate and former Governor Howard Dean (D-Vt) assailed Wisconsin’s Republican Governor Scott Walker’s lack of a college degree as “disqualifying. Given the complex world we live in, America needs to be led by only the most highly educated men and women. The fate of the nation can’t be entrusted to a guy who couldn’t hack it and dropped out.”

Look, college in the 1980s, when Walker was a student, wasn’t that hard,” Dean argued. “Even the minimally competent could get a degree. A person would’ve had to be incredibly dumb or unmotivated not to have been able to finish. Why should voters want such a guy?”

As “proof of his dumbness,” Dean cited Walker’s unwillingness to comment on evolution. “Do we really want a president who dodges such an important issue?” Dean asked. Dean characterized Walker’s stance that the topic of evolution was not within the bounds of the legitimate authority of any government position, as “a smoke screen. The nation’s president is a moral as well as a political leader. The people have a right to know whether he accepts the common core of beliefs agreed upon by our best and brightest minds.”

Friends say Dean’s rancor toward Walker shows he is still bitter about 2004, “when the best educated person to ever seek the presidency was edged out of the Democratic nomination by a pompous ass who then turned around and lost to an ignorant Texas yokel—a sequence of events that forever shamed America.”

In related news, veteran Democratic strategist Pat Caddell castigated his Party as “dictator to the common man. They must be using Orwell’s Big Brother as their role model.”

Islamic State Files Slander Suit against Obama, Kerry

Incensed that the President Barack Obama and Secretary of State John Kerry have damaged their reputation by falsely claiming that Islam is a religion of peace, attorneys for the Islamic State have filed a defamation of character suit in the District of Columbia Federal Court.

The unrelenting attempt to portray our righteous slaughter of unbelievers and apostates as contrary to the will of Allah and the tenets of Islam is a slander of the worst kind,” insisted attorney Muhammad Baddman. “Islam is the religion of the sword. The Quran commands the faithful to make war on all who resist the Prophet’s message. We are the true adherents of his message, not the kafirs occupying the Obama Administration.”

One of the biggest lies propagated by Kerry and Obama regards the linguistic root for the word Islam,” Baddman asserted. “They claim it comes from the word salām (peace), when in actuality it comes from words meaning submission. We follow the sharia. We pray five times daily as prescribed. We strike the necks of the infidels and unbelievers. Our right to define Islam is fully supported by our obedience to scripture.”

The suit asks that the Court order Kerry and Obama to “cease and desist their campaign to misrepresent Islam and to award monetary damages in an amount sufficient to compensate the Islamic State for expenses incurred in its efforts to correct the misrepresentation—including, but not limited to the costs of acquiring, housing, and executing hostages, as well as the costs of both subjugating unbelievers and fending off interference from US Armed Forces.”

In related news, Former Clinton Administration Secretary of State Madeleine Albright denounced Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s planned speech to Congress next month as “the worse invasion of US sovereignty since the British burned the White House in 1814.” Albright expressed her approval of President Obama’s efforts to deal with the threat by sending help to Netanyahu’s political opponents. “It’s a peaceful and restrained response. The President could’ve just sent a drone to take him out. That he didn’t is further validation of the Nobel Peace Prize he won in 2009.”

FEC Mulling Plan to Limit Political Blogging

Concerned that “the low cost of Internet communications could adversely impact candidates who communicate by legitimate regulated paid media,” the Federal Elections Commission is considering regulations that would place a cap on blogs and tweets that conforms with campaign finance rules.

Under the proposed scheme, the FEC would estimate the monetary value of every political comment made on these media. Once the accumulated value of comments reached the ceiling for contributions to a candidate or ballot measure, the blogger or tweeter would be ordered to stop making any additional comments prior to election day. Failure to do so would subject the offender to triple damages.

FEC Chairwoman Ann Ravel characterized the move as “one of simple fairness. The hard work of candidates like Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush raising money for media buys shouldn’t be diluted by the cheap shots taken by unregulated bloggers and tweeters. We can’t let our election process devolve into some sort of free-for-all where anyone can say whatever he wants without limitation. It just wouldn’t be right.”

In related news, the United States dropped to 49th in the annual World Press Freedom Ranking just published by Reporters Without Borders. This is lower than countries like Malta, Niger, Burkino Faso, El Salvador, Tonga, Chile and Botswana, none of which are covered by the First Amendment to the US Constitution. Press Secretary Josh Earnest sought to downplay the news by reminding that “at least we’re still in the top 50.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Congressman Says Media Not Pushing Amnesty Hard Enough

BJohn Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnRep. Luis Gutierrez (D-IL) castigated the media for its “lackadaisical support of the President’s innovative solution to this chronic problem.”

As Gutierrez sees it, “the vilification of amnesty opponents and the glorification of illegal immigrants the media have been doing is too mild. They still go through the motions of pretending that there is another side to this issue rather than accepting that the President has laid down a new law.”

The Congressman warned that “President Obama may have to institute strict controls over what is reported if the media doesn’t fall in line. Their job is to help the President achieve the transformation of America. They do not have the option of sitting on the fence or only giving limp lip service to his agenda.”

Getting these immigrants documented, funded, and voting are crucial if we are to permanently reshape the way this country thinks and operates,” Gutierrez said. “Falling short because of a misplaced affection for an illusory even-handedness would be a tragedy. If necessary, the President should not balk at taking harsh measures to ensure the triumph of his vision.”

IRS Needs 9,000 More Employees to Enforce Obamacare Tax

President Obama’s $4 trillion budget proposal calls for a $2 billion boost in IRS spending in order to hire 9,000 new employees. The task of these new employees will be to track down persons who have failed to enroll in a health insurance plan and extract monetary penalties from them.

The era of individual choice in healthcare is drawing to a close,” IRS Commissioner John Koskinen declared. “The law requires everyone to purchase a federally approved health insurance policy. Those who think that they know what’s best for themselves are free to do what they want, but they still have to purchase insurance or pay the government if they neglect to do so.”

The fact that we have to resort to coercion is regrettable,” Koskinen lamented. “Ideally, everyone should have gotten into step with what’s good for the collective whole of society. Sadly, out-dated philosophies preaching individualism have encouraged some to resist what the government has prescribed for them. We hope that by hammering them with progressively larger financial punishments year-by-year they will be brought to heel.”

For this coercion to be most effective it must be adequately staffed and funded,” the Commissioner demanded. “There are an estimated six million Americans we must crack down on. Two billion is the absolute minimum needed if we are to successfully carry out the mission the President has assigned to us.”

Koskinen admitted that this year’s higher penalties combined with the need to reconcile heath care subsidies received under Obamacare “will be difficult and confusing to a lot of taxpayers, both insured and uninsured. Luckily, there are major tax-preparation firms ready to assist. The fees these firms will earn will boost the economy, as well as provide compensation to the owners of these firms’ for their support of the Affordable Care Act.”

In related news, the IRS has launched an outreach program to assist illegal immigrants granted amnesty by President Obama to receive tax refunds. “These people have undertaken lengthy, arduous, and dangerous journeys to reach this country,” Koskinen said. “It’s only fair that we find some way to compensate them for the time, trouble, and risks they have endured to get here.”

President Urges More Understanding for Islamic State Atrocities

With videos of beheadings, stonings, and incineration of helpless victims by the Islamic State flooding the media, President Obama took the occasion of his address to the National Prayer Breakfast this week as an opportunity to try to dampen the anger of partisans of civilized behavior.

Let’s not forget that 800 years ago Christians committed horrendous crimes against peaceful Muslims during the so-called Crusades,” Obama reminded. “Whole populations were massacred—men, women, and children—all in the name of Christ. Five hundred years ago, the Inquisition sent thousands of heretics and apostates to be burned at the stake. From a historical perspective, we can see that the followers of the cross are not blameless when it comes to cruelty and inhumanity. Rather than be so quick to point the finger of blame at Islam, perhaps we should credit them for their patience in waiting so long to try to even the score.”

The President rejected contentions that the Crusades might have been seen as a legitimate response to prior Muslim aggression against, and oppression of, Christians. “If people keep trying to reverse previous conquests there’ll be no end to bloodshed,” Obama warned. “At some point someone must put an end to the tit-for-tat. It seems to me that Christians have the best chance of doing that. It was Jesus who bade his followers to turn the other cheek. It was Mohammed who bade his followers to fight for Islam. Christians can give up the fight and still be true to their faith. Muslims do not have this option. What I am urging here today is that there is a way out of the conflict if both religions simply hew to the tenets of their faiths. If Christians would simply submit and pay the jizya there could be peace and an end to the bloodshed.”

NBC Anchor Admits to Lying about Iraq War Experience

NBC’S Brian Williams finally admitted that after 12 years of bragging about how he faced death while reporting on the Iraq War in 2003 that he had lied. Real soldiers flying in the helicopter transporting Williams to the war zone unanimously attested that, contrary to Williams’ heroic story, the aircraft was not hit and landed safely.

Williams characterized his lie as “a mistake made in good faith. It was my way of bonding with the men and women who risked their lives in the battle against Saddam Hussein. It was also an attempt to make the war seem more real to my TV audience. If someone as important as a major network figure like me could come so close to dying for the sake of reporting the news, well, wouldn’t that make the news more credible?”

The unveiling of this long-running falsehood has had mixed results among media luminaries. Former CBS anchor Dan Rather counseled that “we ought not to be too hard on Brian. His story might have been fake, but was it really so inaccurate? Thousands of helicopter sorties came under fire in Iraq. Couldn’t his fib have served the more important purpose of showing how Bush’s war could’ve cost the life of an eminent journalist?”

Williams’ contention that what he said “was no worse than President Obama’s promise that those who liked their health plans could keep them under the Affordable Care Act. He misled tens of millions of voters and was rewarded with reelection. All I did was puff up my resume a little bit in front of the camera.”

Former NBC anchor Tom Brokaw dismissed Williams’ analogy to what President Obama did as “unworthy of our profession. We can’t use the chronic dishonesty of politicians as our standard for what is allowed to come out of our mouths when we’re on the air.”

Former Pro-Life Democrat Evolves

Rep. Tim Ryan (D-Ohio) announced he was switching sides in the pro-life vs. pro-choice debate. The former pro-life Democrat claimed he had an epiphany persuading him that abortion is a woman’s right and that no government had the authority to intervene for any reason.

It is the Congressman’s position that it is not for anyone else to judge whether or when an abortion should or shouldn’t be permitted,” Ryan’s chief of staff Ron Grimes maintained. “And yes, this means up until the moment of birth and for whatever reason the woman finds meaningful, including the sex of the fetus.”

Grimes rebuffed an abortion survivor’s argument against the Congressman’s new position as “irrelevant. Her existence is a fluke. She shouldn’t even be here haranguing the Congressman for exercising his judgment on this human rights issue. The Congressman finds this sort of emotional appeal outrageous and offensive. He has no time to listen to it.”

AG Nominee Calls Civil Forfeiture “Wonderful Tool”

President Obama’s nominee for Attorney General Loretta Lynch followed up her stunning defense a president’s “right to summarily execute enemies of the state” with fulsome praise for government’s controversial practice of seizing the property and money of people before they are found guilty of a crime, calling it “a wonderful tool.”

It is difficult to prove someone guilty of a crime under our laws,” Lynch pointed out. “The evidence required is substantial. The ‘beyond reasonable doubt’ standard is daunting. Under Civil Forfeiture, though, there is more leeway. Under this statute, the property or money is accused of illegal actions. Since property and money have no civil rights the government’s chances of success are higher. The burden of proof is on the person trying to reclaim the assets. He must prove to the court’s satisfaction that no crime was committed.”

The fact that the majority of cash circulating in America has traces of cocaine on it makes proving that this money was not obtained illegally nearly impossible,” Lynch bragged. “The best thing about Civil Forfeiture is that it gives government access to sorely needed resources without having to get an appropriation through the legislature. This increases the amount of funds available for socially beneficial uses by transferring them out of the hands of selfish individuals and into the hands of those dedicated to the collective welfare of all. It’s a win-win situation all around.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Congressional Democrats May Boycott Netanyahu Speech

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnWhile a number of key Democrats were still wondering whether attending Netanyahu’s speech to Congress in February would be proper, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) was adamant that “it sends the wrong signal. Congress acting in contradiction to the wishes of the President undermines his authority. If his Congressional subordinates can defy him without consequence, what will foreign leaders think?”

A second consideration weighing on Pelosi’s mind was “the unfairness of the United States appearing to endorse Netanyahu in his upcoming March election campaign. For Congress to interfere with another country’s electoral process is just not right.”

As for interfering with another country’s elections, though, it would seem that the arrival of Obama’s former campaign aides to assist those campaigning against Netanyahu is okay. “It is the President’s duty to protect our country’s vital interests and prevent individuals who may be hostile to him from gaining or retaining political control in foreign countries,” Pelosi contended. The former House Speaker cited President Obama’s efforts to oust former Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak as “an instance in which our influence was pivotal in helping the Muslim Brotherhood to bring true democracy to that nation.”

The Muslim Brotherhood has since been deposed by General Abdel Fattah el-Sisi. Since taking power Sisi has caused a stir by urging Muslims to turn away from violence as a means of propagating Islam. Pelosi called this turn of events “regrettable,” but insisted that “it should not be blamed on President Obama. He did the best he could, but cannot yet control everything that happens around the world.”

Ironically, news of Obama’s hostility toward Netanyahu seems to have boosted the Israeli Prime Minister in the polls. As one poll respondent put it, “Obama is an enabler of antisemitism and jihad. If he’s against Bibi, then every Jew who hopes to avoid extermination should be for him.”

University Bans Use of Sexist Salutations

Contending that “Mr., Mrs., and Ms” are hurtful and offensive to those with nontraditional gender identification, City University of New York wants its employees—professors and staff—to stop using these greetings.

Dean of Students Peter Beaver explained that “for us to assume that because a person looks male we should address him as ‘mister’ overlooks the possibility that inwardly that person may identify as female. The situation for those who look female is even more complex, as ‘miss’ and ‘missus’ inject a marital status into the equation.”

The appropriate form of salutation will be situational,” Beaver said. “If a university employee knows the person’s first or last name the employee should simply use that in addressing the person. If the individual is unknown to the employee he should use the term ‘student’ if the person being addressed is known to be a student. If that information is not known a non-sexist term like ‘hey,’ ‘hello,’ ‘you’, or ‘comrade’ should be used. Under no circumstances shall the terms ‘sir’ or ma’am’ be used.”

Biden Says Everything Ought to Be Free

In what some are saying may be a move to lock up progressive support for a possible 2016 presidential run, Vice-President Joe Biden declared that if he were running this country everything would be free.

You know how we’ve all heard that the best things in life are free, well, that clearly hasn’t been the case,” Biden observed. “Almost everything people want costs money. And a lot of people just don’t have enough money to fully partake of this nation’s abundance.”

Biden criticized past efforts to try to solve the problem by handing out government benefits to the poor. “No matter how energetic we are there’ll always be some who fall through the cracks,” Biden lamented. “Then there’s the stigma of having to flash an EBT card or cash a welfare check. We have clearly fallen short of our ideals.”

As Biden would have it, “if the government were to abolish prices, if everyone were simply enabled to take as much as they need from wherever they could find it, no one would go without anything merely because he has no money. No one would be embarrassed by coming up short.”

The Veep attributed our nation’s failure to implement an “everything is free” policy to “pure spite. The haves are content to feather their own nests and ignore their moral obligation to be their brothers’ keeper. It’s time we turned this around and held their feet to the fire. Let them work off their debt to society.”

While a snap poll showed nearly two-thirds of adults responding favorably to Biden’s rhetoric, economists questioned the feasibility of his plan. “If everything is supposed to be free why would anyone undertake the tiresome task of working for a living?” asked George Mason University Professor, Walter Williams. “If history is any guide, Biden’s idea will be a colossal failure characterized by a widespread dearth of material goods and a brutishly coercive state apparatus. The world has already been there and done that. It’s called communism.”

Biden’s lunge to the left was praised by Communist Party, USA Chairman John Bachtell. “We are pleased to see that the ideas we have been pushing so long and hard have taken such a firm hold on the Democratic Party,” Bachtell crowed. “All those right-wing intellectuals who predicted that communism would never take root in America have been decisively proven wrong. It’s just a matter of time before progressive policies are the only policies tolerated in this country thanks to the efforts of men like Biden and Obama.”

Castro Makes Demands

Saying that President Obama’s apology for 50 years of aggression, discrimination, and abuse of his country by the United States government “was a good start,” current Cuban dictator Raul Castro demanded further concessions as the price for normalizing relations between Cuba and the US.

First on Castro’s list was compensation for the economic damage done to Cuba by the US trade embargo. “Prior to this embargo Cubans had the highest standard of living in Latin America,” Castro pointed out. “Now, Cubans are worse off than any country in the western hemisphere.”

Castro called upon President Obama to “use his executive powers to seize the undeserved wealth hoarded by American capitalists and use it to make reparations for the wrongs committed by his predecessors.”

A second grievance cited by Castro was the US policy of admitting Cuban refugees into the United States. “Cubans belong to Cuba,” Castro maintained. “They have obligations to the collective well-being of their countrymen. They have no right to evade these obligations. Their escape to America is selfish. The United States government has the responsibility to return these refugees and their offspring to Cuba so they may begin making amends for their sins.”

A third grievance was Castro’s objection to his country’s inclusion on a list of nations sponsoring terrorists. “We sponsor those fighting on behalf of the revolution,” Castro argued. “The enemies of the revolution are powerful. Directly confronting the armed forces of the United States would invite annihilation. This forces revolutionaries to select soft targets. They should not be labeled ‘terrorists’ for sensibly targeting unarmed civilians.”

US Secretary of State John Kerry acknowledged that “the Cuban government has made a persuasive case. There is no doubt in my mind that the people of Cuba have been grievously wronged by US policy over the years. I can’t say that we can grant all the demands President Castro has made, but we do promise to look into what form of compensation we may be able to make to help indemnify them for the suffering we imposed.”

Venezuelan Army Authorized to Execute Protesters

The Venezuelan Ministry of Defense has authorized the Army to shoot any protesters that do not obey orders to disperse. Minister of Defense, General Vladimir Padrino López defended the decree as both “necessary and proper. In this time of crisis everyone should be working together in support of the government. Public complaints alleging that the government has not fulfilled its promises encourages people to oppose the government’s measures to deal with the crisis. Such disloyalty cannot be tolerated.”

There is also a pragmatic aspect to the policy. According to the General, “to the extent that shortages of food and other necessities have provoked the crisis, the physical elimination of anti-government individuals helps to close the gap between supply and demand. This will decrease the number of shares into which limited supplies must be divided and leave more for those loyal to President Maduro.”

María Esperanza Hermida, leader of some of the protests, called the authorization “a violation of both the Venezuelan Constitution and the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. The Ministry of Defense cannot legally issue such a policy. Shooting people for publicly expressing their grievances against the government is a gross violation of civilized behavior. It is analogous to the terroristic threat to behead those who insult Islam. Imitating the policies of those barbarians is not a direction our country’s officials ought to be taking us.”

AG Nominee Makes Case for Summary Executions on President’s Order

In Senate hearings designed to vet Loretta Lynch, President Obama’s nominee for Attorney General, the question of whether it is constitutional for the government to use extrajudicial lethal force on an American citizen on American soil failed to elicit the obvious “NO” that should be expected from someone aiming to become the nation’s top law enforcer.

As Lynch sees it, “it all depends on who gives the order. If it’s someone trustworthy like President Obama, I think we give him the benefit of the doubt. We can’t allow ourselves to get tied in knots over ‘due process’ concepts originating more than 200 years ago. It is essential that our nation’s ruler have the flexibility to carry out whatever actions are needed to protect the government elected by voters.”

Lynch’s answer provoked startling divergent responses from key Republicans. Senator Ted Cruz (Texas) called her answer “absolutely disqualifying. Every attorney is an officer of the court and bound by ethics to pursue justice. Lynch seems more suited to the role of consigliere to a mob boss than chief legal adviser to a president.”

Senator Orrin Hatch (Utah), though, expressed admiration for Lynch’s “intellectual dexterity. The ability to create new legal standards on the fly is an invaluable talent. The only prudent course for us is to approve her elevation to the post, lest we ourselves be perceived as threats and get added to the President’s list of targets.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

White House Outraged over Boehner Invitation to Netanyahu

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThe invitation House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) issued to Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to address a joint session of Congress has the Obama Administration in a state of apoplexy.

The Speaker did not have President Obama’s permission to issue such an invitation,” complained Press Secretary Josh Earnest. “Prime Minister Netanyahu did not have the President’s permission to accept the invitation. It’s a major breach of protocol that undermines Executive Supremacy.”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) characterized Boehner’s move as “a critical blunder. I wouldn’t be surprised if the President were to use this as an excuse to disband Congress.”

Confidential sources inside the White House report the President’s anger as “unconstrained. There no telling what he might do to levy an appropriate punishment for this disobedience. When subordinates spit in the President’s face, as Boehner and Netanyahu have done, it calls for harsh retaliatory measures. He can’t just let it go.” Ideas said to be under consideration include assisting Hamas in reprisals against Israeli civilians, tacitly acquiescing in Iran’s efforts to wipe Israel off the map, and strategically leaking embarrassing information contained in Boehner’s FBI files.

Secretary of State John Kerry professed to be confused by the unfolding events. “The Israeli Prime Minister already met with President Obama last October, I don’t see the point of his proposed speech to Congress,” Kerry said. “There is nothing that Congress could do for him that the President wouldn’t veto. Netanyahu is foolishly betting on the wrong horse. In the process he has angered the world’s most powerful man. This cannot turn out well for him or his people. The only hope for the voters of Israel is to elect someone more in tune with President Obama’s wishes. Their country’s very survival is at stake.”

In related news, Kerry continued his campaign to clarify Islamic doctrine by insisting that those committing atrocities in the name of Allah are not Islamic. “We reject the notion that violence aimed at reigniting the holy war of Islam against unbelievers is a genuine form of the religion,” Kerry maintained. “Making war for religious reasons is not a 21st century way of thinking. It has no credibility in our modern society.”

Kerry contended that “it would be more accurate to characterize these barbarians as ‘Islamish’ rather than Islamic. Mere mimicry of the actions taken by Muslims 1400 years ago cannot be the behavior of a truly civilized person. It simply cannot succeed.”

Bush/Romney Political Wedding Falls Through

Hopes that a political wedding between former governors Jeb Bush (R-Fla) and Mitt Romney (R-Mass)–both potential Republican contenders for the presidency—would sweep aside other rivals fell through this week. While both the Bush and Romney camps were loath to release many details, insiders say the chief sticking point was who would be on top.

Romney spokesman Richard Butz laid the blame on what he termed “Bush dynastic aspirations. It was our feeling that Mitt ought to be the one at the top of the ticket. Our polling shows that a substantial number of voters wish they had voted for Mitt in 2012. Giving them a second chance—to kind of right the wrong they’d done—would be the stronger ticket, in our opinion.”

The Bush people, though, felt that people really miss the fact that the United States has no royal family, so to speak, and that the previous electoral success of Jeb’s father and brother had erected the beginnings of a foundation for a quasi royal family,” Butz said.

The two are now expected to go their separate ways. Romney seems likely to focus his bid for the GOP presidential nomination on a theme of completing former President Johnson’s unfinished war on poverty and combating global warming. Bush, in contrast, looks to remind GOP voters of the good times that prevailed when his father and brother led the fight for a kinder, gentler future through military interventions in the Mid East.

In related news, expected Democratic presidential contender former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, has vowed to crush all opponents under a massive wad of campaign cash. Clinton donor Don Peebles boasted that “we will raise enough money to overwhelm anyone who would think of trying to deny Hillary the nomination and the presidency. Early projections point to a war chest in excess of $1.5 billion. The smart money, the big money is all behind Hillary. The ‘grassroots’ will be mowed down and mulched. It’s that simple.”

Reid Can’t Read

Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) acknowledged that injuries to his eye sustained in an exercise apparatus mishap last month prevent him from reading. Rather than being an impediment to his legislative performance, though, Reid insists that it will be an asset.

The premise that a lawmaker needs to read the words he is enacting into law is erroneous,” Reid asserted. “Attempting to read the 1000 page bills we are asked to act upon is time consuming and, ultimately, unnecessary. Even when I could read I couldn’t bring myself to wade through the 2000 pages of the Affordable Care Act. But as everyone knows, we passed it anyway. And now millions of people are enjoying the health insurance it mandates.”

More important than undertaking the tedious task of reading the fine print of pending legislation according to Reid, “is knowing the answer to one simple question: ‘what does President Obama want us to do.’ As long as we act to carry out his will I’m confident that we’ll be on the right track.”

President Issues Statement Commemorating 42nd Anniversary of Roe vs Wade

President Obama hailed the 42nd anniversary of 1973’s Supreme Court decision legalizing abortion at any time for any reason throughout a woman’s pregnancy.

Since 1973 over 50 million unwanted births have been prevented,” Obama pointed out. “That’s 50 million mothers spared the toils and troubles of rearing children they did not want. That’s 50 million individuals spared the indignity of being an unwanted child.”

The President also took this anniversary as an opportunity to call for “continued vigilance against those who would have us backtrack on this vital human right.” Two instances of “backtracking” as the President sees it are HR36 (the Pain-Capable Unborn Child Protection Act) and HR7 (No Taxpayer Funding for Abortion Act).

As Obama sees it “the evil of HR36 is that it would elevate an undue concern for the momentary pain suffered by a late term aborted fetus to a level that could neutralize the right given to all women by the 1973 Supreme Court decision.”

The equally pernicious HR7 would relieve taxpayers from bearing their fair share of the burden of financing abortions,” the President added. “Once a right has been decreed it is everyone’s responsibility to support its full implementation. No woman should have to pay an out-of-pocket expense in order to exercise her right to an abortion. No person should be allowed to cite discredited moral objections in an effort to avoid paying for it.”

In related news, Sens. Richard Blumenthal (D-Conn) and Tammy Baldwin (D-Wis) have introduced a bill aimed at “preventing states from getting out of step with national policy on abortion.” “Abortion is too crucial an issue for us to allow individual states to deviate from the path set by our President,” Blumenthal argued. “If the Supreme Court has ruled that any woman is entitled to an abortion for any reason how can we sit back and allow states to chip away at that right? Contentions that restrictions are intended to spare the fetus pain have no standing. The Court didn’t provide for an exception in the case of pain to the fetus. We must not allow states to try to sneak restrictions on abortion into their laws via an illegitimate concern for fetuses’ so-called rights.”

President Touts Expansion of Welfare State to Boost “Middle Class”

In his 2015 State-of-the Union address, President Obama lamented the unfairness of a society where only the few do spectacularly well. He proposed to rectify this injustice by expanding government programs that would offer pittances to a broader number of people who comply with specified behaviors. One stark example was the President’s proposal to penalize individuals who set aside money for their own children’s education with higher taxes that would be used to partially fund community college for all.

Why should those who have the means to finance their own children’s college be permitted to do so when the children of others have to forgo college because they can’t afford it?” Obama asked. “The decision on who goes to college and who doesn’t should be made using a collective benefit calculus. The government, as the representative of the collective will of the people, has the moral authority to decide who will and who won’t best serve society by being further educated. My plan will move us closer to realizing this ideal.”

The President made a similar case against individuals profiting from their own efforts to save and invest. “Investing society’s scarce resources is too important to be left to the anarchy of private choices,” Obama contended. “Individuals are narrowly focused on how profitable an investment might be. We need to shift away from a system that leaves the bulk of our financial resources in private hands to one where the major part of the money and decision making are in the hands of the government. Only the government has the scope of expertise to determine the rightful allocation of resources and benefits for all the people.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Obama Says Armed Response to Muslim Terrorism Wrong Approach

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnWhile attempting not appear to condone the murder of the Hebdo staff and the Jewish hostages at a kosher supermarket in Paris last week, President Obama blamed France’s failure to integrate Muslims into their society.

The fact is, Europe has done a poor job of making Muslim immigrants feel welcome,” Obama said. “In country after country Muslims are isolated in ghetto-like conditions rather than dispersed among the general population like they are in the United States.”

The President dismissed contentions that the concentration of Muslims into enclaves was by choice. “The Muslim way of life has very specific requirements,” Obama asserted. “Practitioners need to be free to drop down wherever they are to answer the five daily calls to prayer. Men need to be free to walk the streets without being lured into raping uncovered women or being assaulted by the aroma of roasting pork. They need to be secure from insults to their faith. General European societies do not meet these requirements. So Muslims are forced to try to insulate themselves from a depraved environment.”

Tracking down and arresting or killing the perpetrators of attacks like those we saw in Paris is too little, too late,” the President contended. “A proactive policy of accommodating the needs of the Muslim faith would interdict the sources of animosity before they explode into violence. If communities could provide convenient sites for prayer so that Muslims wouldn’t have to block streets, if women were more fully clothed in public, if only halal foods were offered, Muslims would feel more at home and have less cause for anger.”

An important component of the President’s vision of a “proactive policy” is “the prevention of offensive journalism.” “A responsible media would not engage in the dissemination of words or pictures that disturb Islamic jihadis,” Press Secretary Josh Earnest alleged. “Americans can be assured that the President will take the steps he deems necessary to see that this doesn’t happen here.”

In related news, Secretary of State John Kerry defended the Administration’s decision to send James Taylor to France to sing one of his hit songs–”You’ve Got a Friend”–in lieu of joining other heads-of-state who marched for press freedom and against Islamic extremism. “The march conveyed an ‘us vs. them’ image that President Obama feels undermines his efforts to find common ground with Muslims driven to violence,” Kerry explained. “We both believe that ‘music has charms to soothe a savage breast.’ A song about friendship will do more to abate anger on both sides than an ‘in-your-face’ defense of the free speech rights of purveyors of blasphemy. Even the Pope is in agreement with us on this.”

Kerry has also offered to “give a big hug” to anyone in Paris who wants one. Thus far there have been no takers.

Hebdo Attackers “Smeared” by Child Porn Revelations

Radical imam Anjem Choudary characterized investigators’ disclosure that Cherif Kouachi and Amedy Coulibaly—murderers of the Hebdo cartoonists—were frequent visitors to websites featuring child pornography as “a smear of their reputations.”

French detectives found five child porn photos on Coulibaly’s laptop and 37 on Kouachi’s PC. Kouachi’s “favorites” folder included lurid pictures of young boys and girls involved in sexual acts with adults.

Just because Western culture declares relationships between adult men and pre-teens to be illicit doesn’t make it so,” Choudary complained. “The Prophet’s (may peace be upon him) favorite wife married him when she was only six years old and consummated the marriage when she was nine. To hold that young Muslim men seeking to emulate the perfect man are deviant is an insult.”

In related news, celebrations hailing the Hebdo gunmen as “heroes” have taken place in Afghanistan, Pakistan, Turkey and the Islamic State. Pir Muhammad Chishti, a Muslim cleric in Pakistan, insisted that “they weren’t terrorists—they did this for all Muslims, killing the criminals responsible for insulting the Messenger of Allah.”

President Calls for Government to Takeover Broad Band Service

Lambasting what he termed “a confusing cacophony of competing private providers,” President Obama called for government “to step in and simplify everything by consolidating all broad band service under one umbrella.”

Right now, consumers face the continuous burden of choosing which plan to purchase,” the President pointed out. “There’s always a fear of choosing unwisely. If we eliminate this necessity to choose, consumers will be freed from this task. Instead of being faced with a difficult dilemma of what to do if their current provider is unsatisfactory, all consumers will be enrolled in a standard, uniform service. No one would have to worry that they might’ve gotten better service with another provider. All would be assured that they are getting the best that is available.”

Obama compared his proposal to British Prime Minister David Cameron’s inferior plan to ban all encrypted communications. “If the government becomes the only provider of broad band communications it can easily block any encrypted content,” he argued. “This is simpler and more effective than trying to outlaw private parties using encryption. I think all sensible people can agree that there are no good reasons why anyone’s conversation needs to be hidden from the government. Government is the protector of people’s rights. The more power it has, the more able it will be to do the best job possible.”

Rep. Marsha Blackburn (R-Tenn) disagreed, “One might have thought that after the Obamacare debacle that the notion that trying to bring everyone into a government plan would be seen as an improbable cure for whatever shortcomings might be perceived in any sector of our economy. The President’s faith that more government is what this country needs is stunningly out of step with the American people.”

President Urges Sounder Business Practices for Small Businesses

On Thursday, President Obama issued a Presidential Memorandum, directing all federal agencies to give federal workers six weeks of paid leave for parents with a new child. The President is expected to call for Congress to pass similar legislation compelling all American companies to offer the same six weeks of paid paternal leave.

Small business owners are worried about the cost of this new entitlement. The President’s Council of Economic Advisers has estimated that the cost of this new perk for federal employees will run to $250 million per year.

Press Secretary Josh Earnest downplayed these small business fears as “short-sighted and selfish. A narrow focus on the bottom line overlooks the broader impacts on society as a whole. Granted, some specific firms may go under as a result of this new policy, but a much larger number of employees will gain valuable new benefits. As the President sees it, sacrificing the few for the sake of the many is sound policy.”

Houston Mayor Says Jury Trial Unnecessary

Critics of Houston Mayor Annise Parker’s new protections for transgenders (allowing them to use whichever restroom they desire regardless of their anatomy) saw their petitions aimed at getting Mayor’s policy on the ballot arbitrarily declared invalid.

The Mayor now wants these critics to be judged by a “Special Master” for “attempting to overturn simple justice through improper utilization of the petition process.” Those accused of this made-up crime have demanded a jury trial, a demand for something that Parker calls “ludicrous and unnecessary.”

The role of a jury is to determine the facts of a case,” Parker lectured. “In this case there are no facts in dispute. Fact number one: there is a new policy extending restroom rights to transgenders. Fact number two: those accused have admitted that they are opposed to this policy. There is nothing for a jury to rule on. All that is needed is for the Special Master to decide what penalty should be meted out to these offenders.”

However, another fact is that Judge Robert Schaffer in the Harris County District Court, rejected Parker’s Special Master protocol—a move that Parker says she will simply veto. “The voters of this city chose me as their ruler, not Judge Schaffer,” she argued. “The will of the people cannot be set aside by an unelected judge.”

Canned Goods to Provide Security at Alabama School

Huntsville, Alabama’s W.F. Burns Middle School Principal Priscilla Holley sent a letter home with students asking the parents of each of them to equip their child with 8 ounces of canned goods that the student would use as a weapon against armed intruders. The idea is that the possibility of being hit by a can of beans would deter gunmen from harming the children.

A key feature of this plan, according to Holley, is “the element of surprise. We believe that a barrage of cans thrown by our 12 and 13 year-old students would be a formidable response.”

The Principal maintained that tossing cans at armed intruders was “the best compromise option. Some argued for a civil disobedience approach where all the children would simply go limp. Some suggested adopting a Biblical ‘smile turneth away wrath’ approach, but our district has a zero tolerance for anything relating to religion. Others suggested hiring a retired police officer as an armed on campus counter measure, but our Board felt this would be an endorsement of the kind of violence we need to eradicate in our society.”

Holley said she hopes the can defense is never put to the test, but remains confident of its over all efficacy.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.