Category Archives: John Semmens

Ferguson Looting Said to Be Fitting Tribute to Michael Brown

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Folder2 104The emergence of a convenience store security video tape of Michael Brown roughing up the shopkeeper and stealing boxes of cigars was said to vindicate the looting rampage that followed his being shot by police.

All those stuffed shirts saying that our robbing stores was an inappropriate expression of our anger and grief were dead wrong,” asserted a self-identified looter who says her name is Jihadena. “One of the last things Michael did before he was gunned down was rob a store. We’re just doing the work he no longer can do. What could be a more fitting tribute to his memory?”

Jihadena challenged the characterization of Brown as a common thug, insisting that “he was a guerrilla for social justice. President Obama promised transformation, but where are our reparations for slavery? Where is the equal distribution of wealth? That convenience store had plenty of cigars. What’s wrong with Michael taking the initiative to redistribute a few of them?”

The image of Michael Brown as the liberator of cigars from the clutches of an Asian profiteer clashes with Al Sharpton’s allegation of “a massive conspiracy to assassinate this young man’s character. That video could’ve been photo-shopped. The witnesses to the robbery could’ve been coached. Michael’s criminal history could be fabricated. Besides, even if he did rob that store since when do we have the death penalty for stealing cigars?”

In related news, U.S. District Judge Catherine Blake ruled that Maryland may ban assault rifles. “These weapons are inappropriate for hunting and they are too cumbersome for personal self defense,” Blake asserted. “Their chief selling point seems to be that they would enable a citizen to resist government authority. As such, these weapons do not qualify for protection under the ‘right to bear arms’ clause of the Constitution.”

Kerry Makes Case for Global Warming as Mankind’s Greatest Threat

US Secretary of State John Kerry continues to baffle observers by insisting that “global warming is, by far, the greatest threat mankind faces in the 21st century.”

The reason should be obvious from the term ‘global’ warming,” Kerry said. “This means that it affects everyone. This has to put it ahead of dangers that afflict necessarily narrower categories of victims. The beheading of innocent children by ISIS in Iraq, for example, only affects thousands of people.”

The threat to wipe Israel off the map and exterminate the Jews, at worst, would entail the deaths of only a few million,” Kerry continued. “Juxtaposed to this limited atrocity, the ecological damage from global warming is vaster by an order of magnitude. Billions will be faced with excruciatingly relentless rises in temperature. Trying to stay cool will be an endless task. The cost and discomfort of attempting to cope will easily outweigh the momentary pain of being blown apart by a suicide bomber or having your throat slit by a jihadi.”

In a way it could be said that massacres serve to ameliorate the impact of global warming,” Kerry pointed out. “The fewer humans there are, the less pressure they will put on the ecosystem’s carrying power. So, while it is not their intent to fight global warming groups like ISIS and Hamas are inadvertently contributing toward a brighter future for the planet. We should not overlook this mitigating factor.”

While Kerry appears to imagine himself a great thinker able to see past the “minor skirmishes” that most see as the main concern of the nation’s chief diplomat, a recent editorial in Investors Business Daily characterized his contention that global warming is the more serious threat as “dangerously moronic.”

Kerry does appear to be at some risk of getting out of step with his boss, though. Just this week President Obama declared “conservative maximalists” to be the biggest threat. “The essence of a successful community is universal cooperation for the collective benefit of all,” the President said. “This requires compromise. Yet, there is a contingent within that continues to take the extreme position that certain so-called fundamental rights are immutable. This contingent of conservative maximalists is more dangerous than any other enemy we face.”

Hamas Extends “Gift of Martyrdom” to Tunnel Diggers

Concerned that dozens of low-wage workers who built the maze of tunnels from the Gaza strip into Israel might reveal the locations to enemy forces, the Hamas leadership ordered their execution.

Hamas spokesman Khaled Mashal justified this seemingly ungrateful reward as “a necessary precaution. There are those who would say that the measures we took to prevent these diggers’ knowledge of the tunnels’ locations ought to be sufficient. Yes, the workers were blindfolded before being led to and from where they were told to dig making it exceedingly improbable that any of them could lead an Israeli to a tunnel location. But their death makes it impossible for them to reveal any location.”

Only infidels would consider our action in this matter cruel,” Mashal maintained. “We have released these men from a harsh life of poverty—they did this backbreaking work at a wage of $1 per hour—and given them the gift of martyrdom. As we speak they are all enjoying the pleasures of copulating with virgins that Allah promised.”

Mashal did permit himself a mild chuckle as he described the miners’ last moments: “As we blindfolded them to lead them away to execution many talked excitedly of what they would buy with the wages they expected for more digging. Not one suspected the surprise we had in store. It was most amusing.”

Dems Push for Federal Funding of Abortions

Representatives Mike Honda (D-Calif), Barbara Lee (D-Calif), Jan Schakowsky (D-Ill), Louise Slaughter (D-NY), and Jackie Speier (D-Calif) are going on a 10,000 mile bus tour to drum up support for repealing the current ban on federation money being spent for abortions.

The issue is one of simple justice,” Lee argued. “Why should the option of escaping an unwanted pregnancy be denied to women who can’t afford to pay for it? Human rights shouldn’t come with a price tag. Criminals who can’t afford a lawyer get one at taxpayer expense. Why shouldn’t innocent women be treated as well?”

We should fund every abortion we can afford,” was Slaughter’s take. “Every child born is another mouth to feed. Would-be mothers who can’t afford abortions will end up giving birth to children they can’t afford. The cost of rearing a child to adulthood dwarfs the cost of an abortion. I challenge my GOP colleagues to do the math and support federal aid for abortion as the fiscally responsible thing to do.”

A “more civilized society” was Rep. Schakowsky’s goal. “Unwanted pregnancies destroy lives,” she contended. “The first victim is the mother who is burdened by a child she does not want. The second victim is the unwanted child who grows up in poverty. The third victim is the innocent bystander who is a casualty of the violent underclass peppered with individuals who would’ve been aborted if the funding had been available.”

The bus tour of these luminaries of contemporary moral philosophy began in Los Angeles, California August 9 and is expected to arrive in Washington, DC in mid September after stops in 12 cities along the way.

Hillary and Barack Hug Away Kerfuffle

This week former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton stirred up a kerfuffle in an interview published in The Atlantic magazine by implying that the Obama Administration’s foreign policy was “a directionless mess.” President Obama angrily rebuffed Clinton’s remarks as “horse shit.”

However, the soothing ambiance of a gathering at a posh Martha’s Vineyard resort has dampened down combative tempers on both sides. As a spokesman for Hillary explained, “it was a case of public perception vs. core reality. Given the President’s abysmal voter approval ratings it is imperative that any Democrat who hopes to win an upcoming distance herself from the President’s negative public image.”

There is no fundamental difference between the policies that President Obama and Secretary Clinton have pursued and the policies that a future President Hillary Clinton will pursue,” the spokesman said. “But the only chance of continuing those policies is for Hillary to prevail in the 2016 election. Once President Obama was reassured on this he acquiesced to the strategy.”

President Laments “Balkanization” of Media

The low cost of communication over the Internet has led to “a dangerous proliferation of voices” according to President Obama. “It used to be that everyone got their view of the news from major media outlets,” Obama recounted. “There was more unanimity of message. This helped bring the country together.”

Now, though, any nobody with a little free time can get a website and pontificate for all the world to see,” the President complained. “We have no way to control what is said and we lack the time and energy to refute every erroneous idea or contention that is made.”

The President’s lamentation may be answered, though. The Internet Tax Freedom Act is due to expire November 1. This law blocks states from assessing taxes on Internet use. The House of Representatives has dealt with this issue by passing the Permanent Internet Tax Freedom Act (PITFA). PITFA is currently one of 300 House-passed bills being blocked by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev).

The President isn’t the only one suffering a barrage of criticisms from pipsqueak yahoos on the web, I’ve had my share of abuse too,” Read grumbled. “We’ll see how outspoken these guys are once the states start hitting them with a couple hundred dollars a year in Internet access taxes.”

While Reid was pessimistic about ever “restoring total order to the information arena” he evinced a degree of confidence that “between state taxes and an Executive cut-off switch we can winnow out a significant number of unwelcome participants in public policy debates.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

 

Obama Eyes Emancipation Proclamation as Model for Amnesty Executive Order

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Folder2 104Insiders say that President Obama will use President Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation as the model for his anticipated Executive Order granting amnesty to millions of illegal immigrants. In 1862 Lincoln declared that all slaves in territory held by the Rebels were “forever free.” He justified it as a wartime necessity.

Those close to Obama say he views the parallels as “striking.” “As he sees it,” says an off-the-record source, “the vast majority of the illegal immigrants reside in states that are hostile to the Administration—at war with his efforts to transform the nation. Thus, as Commander-in-Chief he believes it is his right to act alone to both serve a broader justice and to weaken the strength of his political enemies.”

The beauty of it is that there’s nothing anyone can do to stop him should he decide to go ahead,” the source chortled. “He may not have the law or Constitution on his side, but he has strong support from national opinion makers. And if the GOP dares to impeach him for exceeding his authority a wave of Hispanic votes will sweep them aside in November.”

To his credit, Lincoln aware of the absence of explicit authority for his proclamation sucessfully lobbied for a Constitutional Amendment (the 13th) freeing the slaves. President Obama is reported to see no need for a similar move on his part to try to fix what he considers “a fatality flawed and essentially useless document.”

Judge Denies Plaintiff Access to IRS Emails

The quest of those victimized by the IRS’s discriminatory treatment of conservative groups hit a brick wall when U.S. District Court Judge Reggie Walton ruled that the plaintiffs failed to prove that denial of access to the emails would result in “irreparable” harm.

True the Vote,” a conservative organization dedicated to combating vote fraud, had requested that a forensic expert of the court’s choosing attempt to recover the “lost” emails of IRS official Lois Lerner. Lerner has refused to testify to Congress on the grounds that such testimony would be “self incriminating.”

Nonetheless, Judge Walton characterized the plaintiff’s suspicions as “excessively mistrustful of the government. The IRS has said that the emails in question are irretrievably lost. True the Vote has failed to produce any evidence that this is not the case.”

A spokesman for True the Vote called the ruling a “catch 22. We are denied the opportunity to probe for evidence because we don’t already have that evidence. This is despite the fact that a pattern of ‘lost emails’ amongst various government agencies is emerging. I don’t think we’re excessively mistrustful.”

Walton also ruled that “the fact that the plaintiffs are free to file lawsuits and are not languishing in some secret prison strikes me as pretty persuasive evidence that they have not suffered irreparable harm. Whether they may suffer such harm in the future is, at this point, speculative.”

In related news, House Oversight and Government Reform Committee chairman Darrell Issa (R-Calif) reports that more than 20 Obama Administration have “irretrievably lost” emails his committee has subpoenaed. Press Secretary Josh Earnest attributed this phenomenon to “extraordinary bad luck. We spend top dollar for the best computer equipment, yet this keeps happening over and over. The President is just livid about it.”

Weiner to Open Wiener Restaurant

Anthony Weiner, the former Democratic Congressman who gained wide notoriety by tweeting photos of his genitalia is ready to open a new chapter in his life. Spotting what he characterized as “an unfilled niche in the marketplace,” the ex-pol is set to embark upon a restaurant venture in the Queens borough of New York City.

The wiener, or hot dog, is an under appreciated delicacy,” Weiner maintains. “Too often it is relegated to street corner carts where it is hastily prepared, topped with pedestrian condiments, and carelessly scarfed down by the palate-challenged troglodytes who walk our streets.”

At Chez Weiner we will introduce diners to a truly gourmet experience,” Weiner boasted. “Instead of having to settle for a squirt of mustard or ketchup on their meat our patrons will have an array of classic choices with which to garnish their wieners. My own personal favorite is the foot-long dog tipped with a creamy Alfredo sauce, but we will also have Bearnaise, Béchamel, Velouté, Espagnole, Hollandaise, and tomato bisque along with ‘chef’s surprise’ toppings for special occasions.”

The menu won’t be circumscribed to solely wieners,” Weiner promised. “There will be a variety of drool-worthy bratwurst, kielbasa and other sausage-like options, we think will go down easy.”

Weiner said he expects to make heavy use of social media to promote his venture. “If I’ve learned anything from past experience it’s that whatever you put out there on Twitter goes a lot farther than you originally anticipated,” Weiner observed. “Once I show people what I’ve got I’m confident they’ll come and get it.”

Braley’s “Chickens Out” Demand Mars Senate Bid

Iowa’s Democratic nominee for the US Senate Bruce Braley’s hissy fit over a neighbor’s chickens may derail his electoral chances in this farm state. The trouble started when Braley espied a few of neighbor Pauline Hampton’s pet chickens strutting around the yard of his vacation home in the town of Brooklyn and filed a complaint with the home owners association.

In an attempt to be neighborly, Hampton proffered a gift of a dozen freshly laid eggs, but Bruce Braley would have none of it. “I can’t be bought off so cheaply,” Braley angrily asserted. “I’m a candidate for the United States Senate. I shouldn’t have to put up with unwanted fowl trespassing on my property. I deserve more respect.”

Hampton was blindsided by the vehemence of Braley’s reaction. “These are very gentle chickens,” Hampton insisted. “They don’t wander very far from home and they don’t pose a danger to anyone or anything.”

The PETA-endorsed Braley saw no irony in his demand that Hampton cage her chickens or face being sued for damages. “While I support the general concept of ‘free-range’ chickens I don’t want them on my doorstep,” the candidate said. Braley admitted that he doesn’t spend much time at his Brooklyn property, but insisted that “the very thought of these creatures invading my space even when I’m not there is an affront I can’t abide.”

Reid Says He Will Make No Apologies for Defending President’s Credibility

A big part of President Obama’s political message has been the travails he’s suffered because of a “do nothing” Congress. The fact that there are over 300 bills passed by the House that are currently being blocked by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) would seem to rebut the President’s contention. Of these House passed bills, 50% passed unanimously, 70% passed with a 2/3rds majority, and 55 were introduced by Democrat members of the House.

The House has been active trying to craft legislation to address an array of problems,” Rep. Lynn Jenkins (R-Kan) pointed out. “The charge that we are doing nothing is mendacious propaganda. It is the Senate under the leadership of Harry Reid that is failing to undertake its legislative responsibilities.”

Reid defended his inaction on these bills. “The President is engaged in a desperate struggle over who will rule this nation,” Reid contended. “Faced with the option of helping him or cooperating with the House my choice is clear. If the President is to prevail in his struggle his argument must not be undermined. By helping to ensure that nothing can get through Congress the case for unilateral executive action is bolstered.”

The Majority Leader argued that recent polls showing that Congress is held in even lower repute than the President vindicate his strategy. “The whole concept of legislative government is confusing to the average American,” Reid said. “Voters want and deserve the clarity of having the man they chose as their President do what the country needs to have done. By validating his criticism of Congress I am helping him to retain his credibility in his fight. For that I make no apologies.”

911 Protocols Explained

When she heard someone breaking into her home, 80-year-old N.J. Logan grabbed a pistol and called 911. The Holmes Beach, Florida 911 operator repeatedly insisted that Logan “put down the gun.”

This seemingly counter intuitive advice was labeled “standard protocol” by Holmes Beach Police Captain Abbie Safer. “Our first priority must be to insure the safety of our officers. Ideally, only the police would have guns. Failing that it is our presumption that anyone else with a gun is a perp deadly force will be deployed.”

If Ms. Logan is armed when the police arrive she could get shot,” Safer continued. “Even worse, she could mistakenly shoot one of our officers. If she puts the gun down the casualty totals will almost certainly be lower. Chances are those breaking into her home are not armed. Even if they are a shoot out between the victim and the criminals risks multiple lives. An unarmed victim is usually not killed by burglars or rapists. So, on balance, we feel it is better that victims not attempt do-it-yourself self-defense. Wait and let the professionals handle it.”

Logan was not persuaded by either the initial urgent demands from the 911 operator or Captain Safer’s rationale. “It took the police 20 minutes to get there, who knows what might’ve happened while I had to wait for them?” she asked. The crooks, apprised by Ms. Logan that she had a gun, ran off long before the cops arrived.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

 

CIA Strikes Penitent Pose

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Folder2 104With the escape route of deniability closed, CIA Director John Brennan grudgingly apologized to Senate intelligence committee leaders for his Agency’s covert perusal of their correspondence.

Yeah, we’re sorry,” Brennan growled. “But I still don’t see what the big deal is. We spy on everyone. Why should Senators be exempt from our efforts to protect national security? Are they somehow better than the average Americans they supposedly represent?”

Is it really implausible that Senators having access to classified information might pose a significant security risk?” Brennan continued. “I could argue that the need to keep an eye on what they say to who is even more important than monitoring what the great unwashed masses are doing.”

Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif), Chair of the Select Committee on Intelligence didn’t dispute the need for “a comprehensive surveillance of potentially dangerous communications,” but questioned whether “members of the Government ought to be ensnared in the net. After all, the role of the CIA is to protect the Government from all enemies domestic and foreign. The time and energy they wasted scrutinizing me and other Senators diverted them from their primary responsibility.”

Thus far an internal CIA investigation of itself has turned up no evidence of criminal wrongdoing. Nonetheless, Brennan has convened an internal accountability board chaired by former Sen. Evan Bayh (D-Indiana) “in order to restore confidence in the Agency’s good name. Having a respected former Senator give us a clean bill of health should help bolster the image of the CIA in the public’s eye.”

UK’s NHS Defends Investment in Boob Jobs

While the United Kingdom’s National Health Service spends more than £50 million per year subsidizing breast augmentation surgeries it refuses to pay for a drug that can help extend the survival time for cancer patients. A stark contrast between the cases of Josie Cunningham and Reece Hawley has raised eyebrows.

The buxom Ms. Cunningham’s breast enlargement was funded by the NHS back in 2009. She currently is selling pay-per-view tickets at £10,000 a pop to see her giving birth later this month. Reece Hawley is a trainee teacher.

NHS spokesman Howard Titman attempted to explain the seemingly anomalous treatment of these two individuals. “Basically, Mr. Hawley is a goner,” Titman said. “With the therapies available the prospect of him living more than a year or two is exceedingly slim. Even then the quality of life he’d experience would be pretty bad. On the other hand, a woman who has had breast augmentation is projected to live many years at a higher stage of happiness because of the procedure.”

Since the NHS has limited resources we have to make choices,” Titman went on. “It seems to us that buying many years of happiness for some easily outweighs buying a few miserable extra months for those desperately ill. As for Mr. Reece being sick through no fault of his own—well we can’t really be sure of that. We can be sure that small-breasted women are the victims of an insufficient genetic inheritance. Why shouldn’t we fix that?”

In related news, Lithuanian Health Minister Ilze Šalaševičiūte proposed that the elderly poor be compassionately euthanized both for their own good and the good of society. “Scarce resources must not be wasted on stringing out the lives of relatively useless members of the community through expensive medical treatments,” Šalaševičiūte maintained. “Those we have sustained on public assistance while they were young and health have already consumed more than their fair share. If they are old and ill it is their social duty to die. We must provide a convenient and comfortable exit for them.”

Congresswoman Says It’s Time to Stop Whining about Canceled Health Insurance

Rep. Anna Eshoo (D-Calif) says she is “tired of hearing pathetic stories from people who have been forced to find new insurance plans under the Affordable Care Act. The ACA has eliminated substandard insurance policies and guaranteed that every American will obtain superior coverage.”

Rather than be grateful that the Government is looking out for their best interests a cadre of complainers are whining that the new plans cost more than their old plans,” Eshoo complained. “Well, duh. These new plans cover more stuff. A lot of the old plans didn’t cover a number of birth control options. Virtually none of them covered sex-change surgery. To get more you’ve got to expect to pay more.”

Religious fanatics who assert that they have no need for these added coverages are putting their selfish and deluded views ahead of what the legislation has determined is in the best interest of the nation as a whole,” Eshoo contended. “I have no sympathy for their individualistic and egocentric demands.”

Rep. Bill Cassidy (R-La) whose proposed bill authorizing insurers to continue selling ACA non-compliant policies to willing buyers inspired Eschoo’s rant called her remarks “as a clear demonstration of the smirking arrogance that characterizes the thinking of so many proponents of Big Government.”

Democrat Says President Can Ignore Law If He Wants

House Democratic Whip Steny Hoyer (MD) acknowledged that “the President can’t legitimately legalize those who’ve illegally entered the country,” but suggested that “he could decline to enforce the laws against illegal entry against them.”

Hoyer argued that “it’s like the cop who decides to overlook your speeding because you’re driving your pregnant wife to the hospital. There are extenuating circumstances that make rigid enforcement of the law cruel.”

Most of those in the country illegally came here for good reasons,” Hoyer pointed out. “They come from countries where their prospects and opportunities are poor—there are no safety nets. In America they can look forward to an array of social services like free education, healthcare, and guaranteed minimum sustenance to ensure that they are fed, clothed and housed. They aren’t limited to what they can provide for themselves.”

So, while it’s clear that the President has no Constitutional or legal authority to take care of these people he may view it as his moral obligation to do so,” Hoyer said. “He’d just be being his brother’s keeper, so to speak.”

President Excuse s Hamas Tactics, Condemns Israel

President Obama condemned Israel’s attack on a UN school in Gaza as “barbaric and uncivilized.” The fact that the school housed Hamas weapons that were being used to kill Israeli civilians was considered insufficient grounds for the Israeli Army’s shelling of the building.

As former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton mentioned earlier this week, Gaza is a small country with few locations where weapons can be concealed,” Obama said. “Besides, Hamas had explicit permission from the UN to store armaments in the school’s basement. It is Israel that is acting outside the bounds of internationally agreed upon standards.”

UN Secretary General Ban Ki Moon confirmed that “the dual usage of this building was necessitated by the scarcity of space and the juxtaposition of mutually hostile peoples in this beleaguered land. If it weren’t for the unwanted presence of Jews in this formerly Muslim territory there would be no need for Hamas to store weapons designed to oust the occupiers.”

From a superficial perspective I realize that it might seem that Hamas’ attacks on Israeli civilians would be perceived as unwarranted,” Obama conjectured. “However, given the disproportion between the strengths of Israel’s armed forces and Hamas’ fighters it would be unfair for us to insist that both sides confine attacks to each other’s respective armed combatants. There is little doubt that a direct Hamas attack on Israeli soldiers would be suicidal. The only effective way Hamas can hurt Israel is to target its civilians.”

To help illustrate his argument, President Obama pointed out that “the comparative weakness of Hamas forced them to use the agreed upon 72-hour ceasefire as an opportunity to launch a surprise attack where they were able to kidnap an Israeli soldier. This would not have been possible if hostilities had been in full swing.”

In related news, Obama used the occasion of the Islamic holiday of Eid (al-Fitr) to thank Muslims for “building the very fabric of our nation.” House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) said she was “pretty sure the President is referring to those fabulous carpets, which I think are made in Persia. I have several in my houses.”

Massachusetts Cracks Down on Pro-Life Free Speech

Determined to overcome a recent 9-0 US Supreme Court ruling against the state’s “buffer zones” surrounding abortion clinics, the Massachusetts Legislature enacted a new, more severe buffer zone statute. The penalty for violating the new buffer zone is a fine of up to $50,000 and incarceration of up to three years in jail.

Governor Deval Patrick (D) praised “the courage of our legislators who have stood up against judicial tyranny. The right to an abortion is a human right. Women seeking to exercise this right should not be impeded by the unwanted messages of its opponents assaulting their ears on the way to see the doctor.”

Patrick was unmoved by the prospect that the Court would also invalidate this new law. “We can pass new laws faster than any court can overturn them,” he asserted. “The ban against pro-life harassment of women will be enforced in this state and there is nothing the Courts can do about it.”


A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

‘Despicable’ Anti-Clinton Books Should Be Banned

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Folder2 104Outraged by the surging popularity of anti-Clinton books overtaking sales of Hillary Clinton’s State Department memoir, Clinton spokesman Nick Merrill offered his opinion that “in a just world such despicable nonsense would neither be allowed nor enabled.”

The “despicable nonsense” books Merrill is saying ought to be censored include The First Family Detail by Ronald Kessler, Clinton, Inc. by Daniel Halper and Blood Feud by Ed Klein.

It is a travesty that books like these are outselling a historically important work by a major player in contemporary American history,” Merrill complained. “Their authors are comparative nobodies trying to get rich by feeding off the greatness of someone toward whom they ought to be showing greater respect. To suggest that the Clintons may have been motivated by anything other than an extraordinary commitment to public service is a libel that should not be tolerated.”

In addition to banning such books Merrill suggested that “all profits be confiscated and donated to the Clinton Foundation where they can be more meritoriously deployed for the good of the country.”

Halper said that “the virulence of the Clinton camp’s reaction to the modest success of my book serves to vindicate my thesis that the Clintons run a ruthless political machine.” Klein called “the demand for censorship a very telling confirmation that the facts I presented cannot be refuted.”

Court Ruling on Obamacare Exchanges Assailed

This past week’s D.C. Court of Appeals panel ruling that customers in the 36 states that didn’t establish their own exchange and use HealthCare.gov instead cannot be given premium tax credits was assailed by the program’s backers as “flagrant judicial activism.”

Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest promised that “this insupportable ruling will be ignored. For the Court to insist upon a literal reading of the statute at this late date would unduly hamper the President’s scope of action. He cannot and will not abide having his hands tied by this judicial interference.”

At issue is explicit statutory language in the Affordable Care Act that permits federal subsidies to only those states that set up state healthcare exchanges. Thus far only a third of the states have set up such exchanges. The Obama Administration, though, has been awarding subsidies to all states.

Millions of people have come to depend on these subsidies,” Earnest pointed out. “To cut them off now on the pretext that there is no statutory authority for the subsidies to two-thirds of the nation places legalistic formalism ahead of human rights. That’s not a legacy the President intends to leave behind.”

The original intent of legislative language limiting subsidy eligibility was to proffer an incentive for states to set up exchanges,” explained Jonathan Gruber, one of the architects of the legislation. “By dangling a ‘carrot’ of millions of dollars in federal aid in front of the states it was hoped that they’d be induced to take on the task of establishing healthcare exchanges and relieve the federal government of this burden.”

Gruber characterized the original intent as “no longer operative. Obviously, the lure failed to elicit the response desired. Since the fundamental purpose of Obamacare is to establish a comprehensive and uniform health care system a reinterpretation of the statutory history is required. The interpretation that is currently most in line with the President’s objective is that the exclusionary language was a typographical error. In light of the fact that key participants in the process openly acknowledged that they hadn’t read the bill before voting on it I think there is reasonable grounds for a conclusion that it was a typo. And we can’t let a typo impede social justice.”

The Fourth Circuit Court of Appeals ruling this week seemed to bolster Gruber’s reinterpretation. While agreeing with the DC Court that “the plain language of the statute makes a clear distinction on eligibility for federal subsidies” it refused to believe that “such an ill-conceived and stupid ploy aimed at bribing states to set up exchanges should be allowed to wreak negative impacts on the beneficiaries of government’s handouts.”

Hamas Defends Investment in Tunnels

Recent criticism from Israel that the $1.25 billion Hamas has spent constructing tunnels from Gaza into Israel has cheated Palestinians out of investments in schools or hospitals was rejected by Hamas’s political leader, Khaled Meshal.

The notion that schools or medical care should be a higher priority is a Jewish conceit,” Meshal asserted. “It presumes that Western values should supersede Islamic values. We do not contest that schools or health are important matters, but they pale in contrast to the overwhelmingly more important goal of exterminating the Jewish presence in Palestine.”

The tunnels,” Meshal argued “are a major weapon in our fight to oust the Zionist occupiers. They give us the opportunity to covertly penetrate underneath Israel’s defenses and place our fighters in the midst of vulnerable Jewish populations where they can take a deadly toll.”

An integral component of the tunnel building effort included generous aid from the United States. “The hundreds of millions of dollars the United States has given us freed up funds for the tunnel construction,” Meshal bragged. “So while the United States is nominally pro-Israel on the surface we feel confident that President Obama’s vow to stand with the Muslims is our insurance of a favorable outcome.”

A possible clue to Meshal’s confidence was revealed by the UN Human Rights Council’s 29-1 vote to investigate Israeli war crimes. UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon called the vote “a democratically arrived at truth and the only plausible option for assigning responsibility for the carnage currently wracking the region. Even if the question of Hamas war crimes were to be raised, given the composition of the Council it would be easily voted down. If by some quirk it wasn’t voted down it would simply be ignored by Hamas. Rather than descend into total irrelevance the Council did this. For that I applaud them.”

President Says We’re Better off “on Practically Every Economic Measure”

In an interview on CNBC this past week President Barack Obama boasted that his programs “have made America better off on practically every economic measure.” He contended that “the seemingly negative outcomes cited by my critics stem from false consciousness.”

From a broad perspective let’s consider the declining participation in the workforce that many in the GOP harp on,” Obama suggested. “Work, as any economist will tell you, is a disutility. People don’t work because they want to. They work because they have to. The fact that a growing number of Americans can live their lives without having to work is a positive development.”

From a narrower perspective let’s consider the rising costs of fuel and food—two items excluded from most measures of inflation,” Obama continued. “Has anyone wondered why these items are excluded? It’s because consumption of them contributes to a worsening standard of living. Burning more fuel leads to higher levels of pollution. Rising costs for gasoline helps deter unnecessary travel and reduce pollution. This is good for everyone’s health.”

The same goes for food,” the President added. “Look around you. It couldn’t be more obvious that too many Americans overeat. Rising costs for food can help discourage overeating. The result will be a thinner, trimmer population—which is healthier all around.”

Confirmation that things are a lot better than some want you to think can be found in the Stock Market where share values have reached an all-time highs during my term in office,” Obama said. “The smartest and wisest when it comes to money management are giving a big ‘thumbs up’ to my policies.”

The whining of a small minority who would place their own personal troubles ahead of these more significant collective gains shouldn’t be allowed to distort our perception,” the President concluded. “I’d really like the media to keep this in mind as they report economic news in the run up to the November elections.”

Woman in Labor Blocked by Obama Motorcade

A woman on the verge of giving birth was blocked from crossing the street to get to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center because the road was blocked in anticipation of President Obama’s motorcade passing by. The woman was told to wait on a bus stop bench while staff from the Medical Center crossed the street to her aid.

Los Angeles Police Department spokesman Hector Morales defended the seemingly unnecessary impediment to the woman’s access to health care as “routine protocol. Look, the President of the United States is the world’s most important person. Whatever he is doing must take precedence over anything being done by any person of lesser importance.”

In this particular instance it seems clear that the pregnant woman could have easily crossed the street prior to the arrival of the motorcade taking President Obama to a local fundraiser. Nonetheless, Morales was adamant that “the possible delay of the President even by a few seconds could have major detriment to this country. Suppose a potential donor to the Democratic Party gets ticked off having to wait and declines to write a check? Surely that would hurt the country more than a mother giving birth on a public bench?”

 

 

A Satirical Look at Recent News

 

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

 

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

 

Roberts Says Wolf ‘too Inexperienced for Debate’

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Folder2 104Senator Pat Roberts (R-Kan) continued his refusal to debate challenger Dr. Milton Wolf prior to the upcoming August 5 primary election date on the grounds that “Wolf is not qualified to hold such a high office.”

“I’ve been in this political racket for nearly 50 years,” the 78 year-old Roberts pointed out. “I didn’t just leap into the national arena as my first venture into joining the governing elite. I served on the staff of Senator Frank Carlson and Representative Keith Sebelius for over 12 years before I ran for Congress in 1980. Then I put in 16 years in the House before I ran for the Senate.”

“Dr. Wolf wasn’t even born when I began my political career,” Roberts pointed out. “He was just a fuzzy-cheeked kid when I first started bringing home the bacon for the State of Kansas. Even as an adult Wolf made no effort to work his way into government. So he has no track record by which voters can judge his suitability to participate in ruling them. If I debate him it would lend a sheen of credibility to his candidacy that would only make it easier for every upstart outsider to gain unearned attention. This would shake the foundations of the way we do business in Washington. I won’t be a party to it.”

Arizona Anti-Abortion Law Racist Says ACLU, NAACP

The ACLU has filed suit alleging that an Arizona law that bars sex-selective and race-based abortions is racist. He suit was filed on behalf of the NAACP and the National Asian-Pacific American Women’s Forum.

Alexa Kolbi-Molinas of the ACLU insisted that “this law has a racially disparate effect as its intent. African-Americans are nearly four times as likely to opt for abortion as the end point of a pregnancy compared to whites. Consequently, the Arizona law has a chilling impact on what should be a freely taken choice.”

“The barrier to sex-selective abortions introduces a culturally insensitive affront to persons of Asian descent,” Kolbi-Molinas asserted. “In these cultures a male child is valued more highly than a female child. Seeking to block women from terminating a low-valued pregnancy would, in effect, impose a costly unwanted burden in order to mandate adherence to a largely white ideal of equality between the sexes.”

Rep. Steve Montenegro (R-Litchfield Park), sponsor of the law in its course through the Arizona Legislature, maintains that the new lawsuit against the law “reconfirms the necessity for it. The desire of a mother to abort her baby because of its race or sex is barbaric. Whether this barbarism stems from cultural pressures or individual cruelty we owe it to the innocent victims to try to deter such crimes.”

Cost to House Influx of Illegals Stuns Senators

In testimony before the Senate Budget Committee, Department of Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson shocked senators of both parties when he disclosed that it costs between $250 and $1,000 per day per person to house the illegal immigrants that have been surging across our border with Mexico.

“There was an audible gasp, a bipartisan gasp,” Senator Marco Rubio (R., Fla.) recounted. “I could take a luxurious Caribbean cruise every day of the year for a lower total cost. I cannot fathom why the spartan accommodations we are providing for these people should cost so much.”

Senate Budget Committee chairwoman Patty Murray (D-Wash) questioned the applicability of Rubio’s luxury cruise comparison. “While the amount may appear excessive to the untrained observer I’m sure there are unseen factors that we just don’t realize,” Murray presumed. “If Senator Rubio takes a cruise he makes all his own arrangements and may exert some judgment over whether the expenses are worth it. No such latitude is available for these refugees. Housing them is official government business entailing multiple layers of authority and decision making. Who are we to second guess what they do?”

Senator Jay Rockefeller (D-WV) was one of the few that weren’t shocked by the expense. “We pay upwards of $50,000 per year for each prison inmate,” he pointed out. “Let’s face it, government housing is expensive.”

Housing prisoners at $50,000 per inmate per year comes to around $140 per day—far lower than DHS’s estimate for housing the immigrants. “You’ve got to remember that the budgets for prisons aren’t arrived at in a panic situation,” Johnson said. “There’s time to reflect on what might be the most cost-effective methods. The urgency of the immigration crisis eliminates the opportunity to pursue issues of efficiency. It’s Congress’s duty to appropriate whatever amount the President has requested to handle this emergency.”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi suggested that “the high cost of housing these immigrants could be averted if we make use of the vast inventory of unused housing that exists in this country. How many American families have more room than they need? Can’t some of this space be made available on an emergency basis?”

Pelosi said she was unsure of how to make unused housing available but speculated that “President Obama could issue an Executive Order compelling home owners to provide access to their excess capacity. We could look at a home’s square footage and number of rooms, compare that to census data on who currently lives there and make a determination of which homes can take in some of the refugees.”

The United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees concurred in Pelosi’s assessment noting that “the typical American family has far more living room than the refugees that need to be accommodated. Simple equity demands that this excess be shared among these less fortunate people.”

In related news, the New York City Council announced it is prepared to grant citizenship to up to 500,000 illegal immigrants. Mayor Bill de Blasio called the passage of this ordinance “a proud day for our City. While Congress may be too indifferent to act in this time of emergency I’m pleased to see that New Yorkers have stepped in to fill the void. And with the documents we will be giving these immigrants there will be nothing to stop them from enjoying the full fruits of living in America no matter where they choose to go.”

Bill to Curb “Operation Choke Point” Introduced

Rep. Blaine Luetkemeyer (R-Mo) is sponsoring H.R. 4986, the End Operation Choke Point Act of 2014. The bill aims to stem Department of Justice abuse of legitimate businesses.

Under Operation Choke Point the DOJ working in concert with the FTC, FDIC, OCC, CFPB, and FBI has been intimidating banks in order to deny these financial resources to targeted commercial operations. While DOJ claims it is merely combating criminal activity, legal, but pariah businesses like firearms vending, marijuana dispensaries and check cashing firms have frequently been shut off from the banking system.

The Administration opposes the bill. “Even though some businesses may technically be legal their existence still poses a threat to the community,” Attorney General Eric Holder explained. “If we can take action to cut these businesses off from being able to deposit money and write checks we may be able to achieve a goal that Congress has not shown the guts to accomplish on its own.”

“Achieving a policy that Congress has declined to enact is beyond the scope of the Attorney General’s authority,” Luetkemeyer pointed out. “The role of the DOJ is to enforce the laws that exist not concoct schemes to implement laws they think should exist.”

In related news, the DOJ has opened an investigation of Dale Remmich whose float depicting an outhouse labeled “Obama Presidential Library” in a Fourth-of-July parade in Norfolk Nebraska was deemed “unacceptably disrespectful of the President.” “Freedom of speech is not a blank check,” Holder argued. “We have to draw a line. Mr Remmich needs to answer for his insult. At the very least we can make him sweat a bit.”

White House Claims President’s Appointees “Absolutely Immune”

Despite audio evidence of prohibited political activity by Obama Administration officials, White House Counsel Neil Eggleston rejected House Oversight and Government Reform Committee requests for testimony from David Simas, director of the White House Office of Political Strategy and Outreach.

“Mr Simas and, in fact, everyone working for the President is absolutely immune from any demands Congress or the Judicial branch might seek to impose,” Eggleston contended. “To hold otherwise would undermine the President’s authority to rule this country.”

“It would also be unfair to those attempting to carry out the President’s wishes if they were to be held answerable to any other center of power within the government,” Eggleston added. “Their work is difficult enough without adding the complication of worry over whether what the President has ordered them to do may be illegal or not. Obedience should be their only concern and must grant them immunity from oversight.”

House Oversight and Government Reform Committee Chairman Rep. Darrell Issa (R-Calif) characterized Eggleston’s argument as “disturbing. In effect he’s saying that none of the President’s henchmen need answer to anyone other than the President. This is not the action of a limited government as conceived by the Founding Fathers.”

Rep. Elijah Cummings (D-Md) denounced Issa’s “persecution of the servants of the President” and maintained that “only after proof of wrongdoing should we even consider asking for testimony. The only evidence that Mr. Issa has is against former Secretary of Labor Hilda Solis. Since she is no longer with the government the whole issue is, in my opinion, moot.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Administration Requests Budget Increase for Immigrant Bedding

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Folder2 104Asserting that “it would be inhumane for us to force these innocent immigrant children to sleep on substandard beds,” Health and Human Services Secretary Sylvia Burwell has requested an appropriation of “$1,000 per migrant in order to fund minimally acceptable accommodations.”

“Many of these immigrant children have already suffered from improper sleeping arrangements for most of their lives,” Burwell said. “In the countries they come from it is common for multiple children to be crammed into a single bed of straw, be slung on hammocks, or simply left to sleep on the ground.”

Burwell characterized the “military style cots and bunks we have been providing for them sends a message that says they’re not really welcome in America, that their stay here is temporary and that a good night’s sleep isn’t a right we are willing to extend to these refugees.”

While acknowledging that $1,000 is more than many Americans spend on a bed, Burwell argued that “Americans are free to decide how much to invest in their sleep arrangements, these children are not. These immigrants are desperately poor. Many are plagued with debilitating diseases. They don’t have the means or education to select proper bedding. It is our obligation to do that for them.”

President’s Texas Itinerary Defended

President Obama has faced criticism for refusing to visit sites in Texas where hordes of illegal immigrants have been flooding into the country. The criticism has been especially pointed in light of the fact that he has traveled to the state to participate in political fund raisers at the home of Austin-based filmmaker Robert Rodriguez and two other in-state locations.

Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest explained that “the President’s presence at the border would not be a good use of his time. It’s not as if anything he might see there is going to change his mind about immigration reform. The people on the ground there that he might meet—Border Patrol agents and local politicians—have a peculiarly narrow perspective. They’re going to urge him to do more to secure the border. He doesn’t need to hear this advice.”

“On top of this it has been widely reported that many of these immigrants are carriers of serious and infectious diseases,” Earnest pointed out. “It would be imprudent for the most important person in the world to be needlessly exposed to such a risk.”

“While many of those critical of the President are willing to make light of his assiduous efforts to raise funds for the Democratic Party, there can be no debating that this is an obviously higher priority for him than putting on a show of concern for a crisis he is ill-disposed to resolve,” Earnest contended. “If Democrats are under funded control of Congress could pass to Republicans. That would be a much more serious consequence for the President’s agenda than anything that might transpire from the influx of even millions of new immigrants.”

Dems Seek Legislation to Overturn Supreme Court’s Hobby Lobby Ruling

Outraged by what they characterized as the Supreme Court’s improper application of the Constitution’s freedom of religion clause in the Hobby Lobby case, Senate Democrats are drafting a bill to overturn the Court’s ruling.

Sponsor of the bill, Senator Patty Murray (D-Wash) declared that “a boss’s role in health care is confined to paying for it. He has no business deciding that he won’t pay for certain medical therapies because they offend his sense of morality. My bill restores the full authority over which medical treatments will or won’t be covered to the government where it belongs.”

Senator Charles Schumer (D-NY) sought to bolster the legislative push, saying that “the Constitution protects an individual’s right to believe and worship as he sees fit. If an individual thinks there is a conflict between his beliefs and what the law requires him to do he is free to continue to believe what he wants, but he must still obey the laws passed by Congress. The right that is protected is a mental right to hold a belief not a blank check for non-compliant behavior.”

“Where the Court went wrong was in allowing an employer’s opposition to abortion to negate his obligation to fund this medical treatment,” Schumer continued. “In America the right to an abortion is an inalienable right possessed by every woman. This means that no one can refuse to acknowledge this right or attempt to impede a woman’s exercise of this right under the procedures stipulated by statute. The Affordable Care Act says that it is the employer’s duty to pay for a woman’s exercise of this right. If this troubles the employer’s conscience, well, no one has to operate a business if the tasks assigned by government conflict with his religious beliefs.”

Hillary Clinton’s Early Legal Work Stirs Controversy

The emergence of an audio tape of a young Hillary Clinton bragging about helping a rapist get off easy has jarred her image as an advocate for women’s rights. It seems that Clinton succeeded in discrediting the rapist’s accuser even though she was convinced that he was guilty. When a panel of liberal pundits on MSNBC appeared to agree that Clinton seemed insensitive and cavalier on the tape, the aspiring 2016 presidential candidate tried her hand at damage control.

“First of all, let me remind everyone that this tape was made 40 years ago,” she pointed out. “It’s old news. The minor child who was raped is now an old woman. She survived the experience. Raking up the story at this late date could only cause her pain I’m sure she’d rather forget.”

“Secondly, let’s not lose sight of the skill I demonstrated in that case,” Clinton added. “Even the most inept lawyer can get an innocent defendant off. Getting a guilty client off, though, requires much more cunning and effort. The fate of the relatively unimportant principals in that case is of less significance than the part it played in helping me ascend to a leading role in the governance of this country in the decades that followed.”

Mexico and Guatemala Reach Accord to Expedite Transit of More Illegals to the US

This week Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto and Guatemalan President Otto Perez Molina held a joint press conference to announce they have reached an accord to cooperate in the shipment of more illegal migrants from Central America to the United States.

“This agreement is a win-win for both of our countries,” Peña boasted. “Guatemala rids itself of people they cannot adequately care for. By assuring that these migrants have guaranteed transportation through Mexico we avoid becoming the repository of these undesirables.”

Perez insisted that “we are only responding to America’s invitation to send our tired, poor, huddled masses yearning to live free. We do not have the means to enable these people to live for free in our country. America, though, is wealthy. It is long past time for them to share their wealth with our less fortunate children.”

Peña speculated that “given enough time we may inject a sufficient number of Latinos into the United States to peacefully and democratically reverse the conquest of our ancient lands by the United States in the 19th century. Many Americans are ignorant of the fact that their great President Lincoln condemned this conquest as unjust. Righting this wrong by whatever means we can is long overdue.”

Hamas Counters Israeli Efforts to Reduce Collateral Damage

Israel’s attempts to minimize collateral damage while seeking to respond to Hamas’ repeated missile launches against Israeli civilians were sternly countered by Hamas this week. While Israel has been warning Palestinian civilians of impending air strikes in order to prompt them to move out of targeted areas, Hamas has forbidden civilians from taking Israeli advice.

Hamas’ Khaled Meshaal explained that “it is every Palestinian’s duty to sacrifice himself if required to do so in our never ending battle against the Jewish occupiers. The Jews would like nothing better than to separate our fighters from the women and children who we honor by making them our shields.”

Meshaal urged Palestinian civilians “to grasp the opportunity to become a dead martyr for a glorious cause rather than accept the sordid fate of a live refugee from Jewish aggression.” Meanwhile, it has been reported that Hamas combat units have used the Israeli warnings to vacate targeted zones.

Obamacare Costs Comparisons “Unfair”

A recent report from the Manhattan Institute showing that Obamacare has raised insurance costs by 52% to 119% was rejected as an “unfair comparison” by Health and Human Services Secretary Silvia Burwell.

“Policies under the Affordable Care Act cost more because they cover more,” she maintained. “Many of the policies available before the ACA was in place didn’t cover preventive care like birth control or abortion. Virtually none of them covered gender-reassignment surgery. So of course those policies were cheaper.”

“The Manhattan Institute study overlooks the added value achieved by the ACA,” the Secretary asserted. “Their before and after analysis is, therefore, misleading. We are confident that when the American people comprehend the broader coverage we’ve given them under the ACA they’ll thank the Democratic Party at the polls in November.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Hobby Lobby Wage Boost Rankles Democrats

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Folder2 104With the liability of being forced to finance employees’ abortions taken off its back by the recent Supreme Court voiding of the Obamacare mandate, Hobby Lobby announced it is raising the minimum wage of its full-time employees to $14.50 per hour.

Aspiring presidential candidate Hillary Clinton dubbed the move “a callous and insensitive slap in the face to American women. This company went to a lot of effort to deny its responsibility to insure the reproductive health of its female employees. Now that they’ve won a totally unfair verdict in court they’re insulting these imperiled women by investing the costs averted into boosting the pay of their entire workforce. This is wrong on so many levels.”

One of these levels according to Clinton is “the attempt to destroy worker solidarity. The timing of the hike in wages conveys the message that the benefits the Government is trying to secure for women impede the pay the company is able to offer other employees. This insidiously pits one employee against another and undermines the incentive for all to band together against management for the common good.”

Another wrong cited by Clinton was “a blatant disrespect for the role Government is trying to play in raising the minimum wage across the board. The $14.50 figure exceeds the $10.10 targeted by Congressional Democrats in the Fair Minimum Wage Act (HR 1010). In effect, Hobby Lobby’s management is telling their employees that the Government’s efforts are irrelevant. If left unchecked it could create an environment where each company’s labor and management are persuaded that wages are a private rather than a public issue.”

Sponsor of HR 1010, Representative George Miller (D-Calif) lamented “the negative impact this rogue decision by an arrogant employer will have on our push to enact a federal hike of the minimum wage. Hobby Lobby has parlayed its triumph over the Government’s Affordable Care Act into an opportunity to flout its independence from our regulatory power over wages.”

Feds Say Businesses Can’t Require Employees to Speak or Understand English

The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) is suing Wisconsin Plastics, Inc. of Green Bay, Wisconsin for discriminating against non-native persons by insisting that employees must be conversant in English in order to hold jobs with the company.

Jacqueline Berrien, EEOC Chairperson dismissed the possibility that some minimal competence in the English language might be a legitimate skill required of an employee. “Whether an employee understands English is a matter of convenience for the business,”:Berrien explained. “Granted, conducting business in a single language might be more efficient. But the individual’s right to speak whatever language he chooses is a human right. And human rights take precedence over economic efficiency.”

“The employer has the option of hiring translators to act as intermediaries between workers and managers who speak different languages,” Berrien pointed out. “They can also purchase insurance to cover any damages that might occur due to mishaps springing from miscommunications rooted in language barriers.”

Berrien conceded that barring firms from requiring English comprehension among employees would raise the cost of doing business, but insisted that “this is a small price to pay for preserving individual human rights. Besides, the extra costs imposed on Wisconsin Plastics would be offset by the added employment of translators, insurance vendors, and tort lawyers.”

President Urges Israel to Exercise Restraint

This week’s discovery of the decomposing bodies of the three Israeli teenagers kidnapped and murdered by members of the Hamas terror organization last week sparked diverse reactions from key leaders.

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu vowed retribution. Hamas’s Khalad Mashaal blessed the hands of the murderers. President Obama urged Israeli leaders to “exercise restraint and not take action that would destabilize the situation.”

While admitting that “from a Western perspective the murder of innocent civilians appears an inexcusable atrocity,” President Obama cautioned that “this is not the only perspective worthy of consideration. As the Palestinians see it, all Jews living in the region are legitimate targets. Given that Hamas is too weak to directly confront the Israeli Army its tactic of striking at softer targets is understandable.”

“From a historical point of view, Jews being victimized has been pretty much the norm all over the world,” Obama recalled. “That is the stable condition. Jews striking back is abnormal and, as such, would tend to be destabilizing. I think the Israeli leaders should weigh accepting a few casualties as the price of preserving stability rather than flying off the handle and risking a greater loss of life on both sides.”

While Obama was eager to dampen down Israeli outrage over the murder of the Jewish teenagers he seemed to have no qualms about inflaming Palestinian passions over the murder of Arab teen Mohammed Abu Khdeir, calling this crime “heinous.” Secretary of State John Kerry added that “there are no words to convey adequately our condolences to the Palestinian people.”

Though Hamas, Obama, and Kerry appear to have assumed Khdeir was killed in retaliation for the murdered Jewish teens, suspicion has arisen that he may have been killed by his own family members for dishonoring them via his gay lifestyle.

Senator Suggests President “Borrow” Power to Solve Immigration Problem

Senator Dick Durbin (D-Ill) suggests that President Obama “borrow some of the unused legislative power Congress is sitting on to solve the immigration problem.”

“I know some of my Republican friends across the aisle will insist that the power to enact laws is exclusively reserved to Congress under our Constitution,” Durbin acknowledged. “However, an even older common law principle is that a right left dormant for an extended period lapses and may be taken up by a more energetic party. The need for immigration reform has been known for a long time, yet Congress has neglected to pass legislation. So it seems to me that Congress has effectively abandoned its property in legislative authority. Why shouldn’t the President borrow this authority and do what Congress has failed to do?”

House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) promised that any attempt by the President to further infringe on legislative prerogatives would be added to the lawsuit he is planning to bring against his usurpation of authority. “We may be powerless to stop this country’s slide into tyranny,” Boehner said. “But I want us to go on record as not in favor.”

Doctor/Patient Confidentiality Gains New Partner

It used to be that what transpires between a doctor and patient was considered confidential. Under the Affordable Care Act the Government has now been added as a participant in observing communications between doctor and patient.

Health and Human Services Secretary Sylvia Burwell justified the expansion of those in the know as “only prudent. The Affordable Care Act has made the federal government responsible for the health of everyone in America. We can’t adequately do that job if information on anyone’s condition is withheld from us.”

“Unenlightened individuals may think that their health is their own concern,” Burwell said. “They may think consulting a doctor is purely their own decision. But the ACA has transformed health from any individual responsibility into a social responsibility. All—patient, doctor, and Government—must cooperate in an assessment of what actions, treatments, and medications best serve the collective interests of the nation.”

“The information passed along to us by the doctor will be analyzed in order to determine what course best meets the needs of the whole,” Burwell continued. “In some cases this will entail surgery or medications. In some cases it will entail mandatory behavioral adjustments. In others benign neglect akin to that practiced by the Veterans’ Administration may be the best option for culling the weakest from the aggregate national family.”

Congressman Barred from Immigrant Holding Area

Representative Jim Bridenstine’s (R-Okla) attempt to gain some first-hand knowledge on the 1200 illegal immigrant minors housed in his Congressional District was blocked by officials of the Department of Health and Human Services.

“It’s for the Congressman’s own good,” Health and Human Services Secretary Silva Burwell insisted. “Many of these youngsters are carrying infectious diseases and parasites. We cannot allow unnecessary contact with unauthorized persons.”

Bridenstine was advised to come back after July 21. “By that time all of the children will have been placed with other families or in shelters more suitable for the longer term,” Burwell said. “It will then be safe for the Congressman to enter the facility and ask whatever questions he wants.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

President Tries to Fend Off Evidence of Incompetence

John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Folder2 104With a cascade of scandals dominating the news, a desperate President Obama pleaded with voters to “not give up hope. The mistakes of a tiny minority can easily overwhelm the good work of the many. Probably less than one percent of government workers are boneheads. The rest of us shouldn’t have to suffer because of it.”

To help illustrate his case Obama told a story about an unnamed federal employee “who foolishly put things in writing that she shouldn’t have. Despite explicit instructions that no documentary evidence be produced she negligently or maliciously, we don’t know, entrusted highly confidential material to email correspondence. Now my enemies are demanding copies of these emails. If it hadn’t been for the fortuitous crash of a number of key computers this material could’ve fallen into the wrong hands.”

Statistical experts place the odds of all these “fortuitous” crashes occurring at the same time as one in 80 billion—a long shot that Obama attributed to “the ‘Man upstairs’ looking out for our best interests.”

The President also sought to characterize recent criticism of EPA employees defecating in office hallways as “myopic. From a superficial perspective this practice looks idiotic. What many are overlooking is the fact that these excretions are perfectly natural and biodegradable. Furthermore, the health concerns raised place an inordinate value on conditions favorable to humans and totally disregard what might be beneficial to other life forms. The EPA’s mission is to preserve all creatures, even those some callously categorize as ‘germs.’”

In related news, Press Secretary Josh Earnest labeled Republican Representatives Louie Gohmert and Bill Flores’ proposed $1 million reward for any individual who can recover former IRS director Lois Lerner’s “lost” emails “an exercise in futility. Far more money is available to the Administration, if need be, to ensure that this doesn’t happen. And if money alone can’t do the job the President has the authority to take extreme measures to defend the government against all enemies, both foreign and domestic.”

President Denounces Boehner Lawsuit as “Stunt”

This week House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) announced he was going to sue President Obama for abuse of executive authority. “Time-after-time the President has acted without proper authority,” Boehner charged. “He has refused to faithfully execute laws that require his action. Worse, he has endeavored to exercise legislative authority that the Constitution relegates to Congress. We are going to ask the Court to put a stop to this.”

President Obama laughed off the lawsuit calling it “a stunt designed to cover for Congress’ failure to govern. If Congress were to do its job as pass the legislation I’ve directed them to pass I wouldn’t be forced to take matters into my own hands.”

“Aside from the substantive issues there is also the question of the appropriate procedural remedy,” the President added. “Under our Constitution it is not the Court’s job to take sides with one branch of government over another. If Congress believes that I am stepping on its prerogatives the prescribed course is for them to impeach me.”

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) concurred in the President’s analysis. “Clearly, Congress must be the guardian of its own powers,” Reid asserted. “It cannot punt the ball to the Court.” As for impeachment, Reid vowed that “the Republicans will get no cooperation from me in any effort to impede President Obama’s efforts to do what he deems necessary for the good of the country. As long as I’m running the Senate there will be no impeachment.”

Raid Characterized as “Routine Training Exercise”

A pre-dawn raid of a Florida home was characterized as “a routine training exercise” by Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson.

The raid took place on June 10 when a dozen heavily armed Department of Homeland Security troops broke into Kari Edwards home and held her and her live-in boyfriend at gun point while they searched the premises. The invading DHS officers disabled the home’s security cameras as they thoroughly trashed the premises.

“I realize that from Ms. Edwards’ perspective the incident may have been harrowing,” Johnson acknowledged. “But we mustn’t lose sight of the big picture. Inflicting momentary fear and indignities on a few individuals is a small price for the nation to pay in our quest to combat potential threats to the government.”

“The notion that we need evidence that someone has done something wrong before we can take the steps necessary to protect against possible threats confuses judicial processes with those required to ensure security,” Johnson continued. “The goal is not to punish the guilty, but to neutralize our enemies in the most efficient way we can. Besides, even if we want to consider the judicial angle, it seems to me that a surprise raid might be the most effective way to obtain evidence of wrongdoing.”

Clinton Defends $225,000 Speaking Fee

Elias Benjelloun’s, the UNLV student body president, and Daniel Waqar’s, the student government’s public relations director, protest that former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s $225,000 fee for a single speech is excessive was slapped down by the lady herself.

“Students angry that their tuition fees are being increased shouldn’t try to take it out on me,” Clinton angrily exclaimed. “I have unique credentials. I’ve been a First Lady and co-president, a United States Senator, and Secretary of State. Audiences should expect to pay more to hear me.”

Clinton compared her fee with the $230,000 per game salary paid to the NBA’s LeBron James. “Considering the relative importance of the contributions each of us has made to America I think it’s pretty clear that I’m the one being grossly underpaid,” she complained. “As skilled as LeBron may be, he’s never had to make the hard choices I have. He doesn’t have to worry that someone might die because he makes a bad decision. I did.”

Hefty speaking fees (over $100 million since 2001) have been the mainstay of the Clintons’ battle to escape poverty since leaving the White House in early 2001. The $16 million the Clinton’s have received from the federal government since 2001 has been “woefully inadequate when you consider the lifestyle we are forced to maintain,” Hillary contended. “For example, we had to pony up $3 million for our daughter’s wedding. The fact is, we can’t live like ordinary people—shopping at WalMart, eating home-cooked meals, scrimping on expenses. The people of America want us to enjoy the perks befitting the service we have rendered to the nation.”

President Offers More Flexibility for Federal Employees

President Obama is seeking to make being employed by the federal government a more pleasant experience. Along these lines he is introducing more flexible work hours.

“Analysis by the best work management experts shows that it doesn’t really matter how many hours government employees spend on the job,” Obama said. “Whether they’re at their desks or not doesn’t seem to make any difference in the output of meaningful work. So why not reduce the burden of reporting to work?”

Not being required to actually go in to work in order to earn a federal paycheck was described as “a major hike in the benefit of a government job for the employees affected” said the report referred to by the President. “The disutility of having to invest so many hours in preparing for work, traveling to work, and sitting at a desk for 8 hours a day can be significantly reduced if the number or employees required to make this investment is lower.”

Benefits for employees weren’t the only upside cited in the report: “The more federal jobs that are converted from ‘no-work’ to ‘no-show’ status the less stress will be placed on urban traffic. Those who must actually produce a product or service in order to earn a living will face less traffic congestion traveling to work.”

President Obama rejected the report’s implication that a considerable amount of expense could be avoided if the unneeded employees were terminated. “The idea that the government should simply release unneeded employees fails to take into consideration the impact that would have on our economy,” the President argued. “The money we spend on the salaries of these redundant workers is vital to sustaining our GDP. Think of all the businesses that depend upon the money federal employees spend. If they lose these customers our economy will tank.”

Constitutional Amendment to Curb Speech Pushed by Democrats

Sparked by fears that “many dedicated incumbents could be run out of office by well-financed campaigns by dangerously anti-government factions,” Senator Tom Udall (D-NM) and 42 Democratic co-sponsors have drafted a Constitutional Amendment that aims to curb free speech.

“Right now as long as a person has enough money to afford it he can take out an ad, publish a broadside, or fund a TV spot against a sitting member of the Government,” Udall pointed out. “The men and women who have devoted their lives to serving the citizens of this great republic don’t deserve this kind of treatment.”

Under Udall’s proposed Amendment freedom of speech would be subject to whatever limits Congress determines would best suit the needs of the Government. “We want competition for office,” Udall agreed. “But it must be fair competition. Congress needs to have the flexibility to make rules that will ensure fairness.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

IRS Head Says Special Prosecutor Would Be Waste of Money

John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Citing a lenFolder2 104gthy list of suspicious coincidences—including the most recent loss of critical evidence due to a narrowly focused crash of the computers used by individuals involved in the discriminatory treatment of conservative organizations—many of the Agency’s critics have called for a “Special Prosecutor.”

IRS Commissioner John Koskinen told the House Ways and Means Committee, though, that “appointing a ‘Special Prosecutor’ to investigate alleged abuses in the Agency would be a colossal waste of money. Look, we’ve thoroughly frustrated every inquiry launched thus far. Why should anyone think we wouldn’t just as easily thwart a so-called Special Prosecutor?”

Representative Dave Camp (R-Mich), chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee, characterized Koskinen’s remarks as “the kind of arrogance that reeks of tyranny. This Administration and its agents act as if the law and Constitution do not apply to them.”

Koskinen taunted Camp in his reply asserting that “if Mr. Camp and his cohorts are displeased with the way we are running the Government the Constitution has a prescribed remedy they may follow. Their reluctance to take up this remedy is a testimony to their impotence. If I am construed as being disrespectful I think I am on solid ground when I say that they’ve earned it.”

Representative Elijah Cummings (D-Maryland) strenuously objected to “Camp’s rude behavior toward this dedicated civil servant. The IRS is tasked with the crucial and difficult job of recovering the nation’s resources from individuals who would siphon them off for their own personal gain. The conservative groups that the IRS targeted are aiding and abetting greedy individuals by resisting the tax increases and spending programs that are part-and-parcel of the implementation of the President’s plan to secure social justice for all.”

CFPB Announces Broad New Powers

The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau announced in the Federal Register that it will “aggressively deploy cease and desist orders against businesses whose activities are a detriment to the nation’s well-being.” For the moment this new authority is “interim.” It is expected to become final on July 18.

“For too long the Government has sat idly by while businesses have foisted unsafe and unhealthy products on an unsuspecting public,” CFPB Director Richard Cordray charged. “Under Section 1053(c) of the Dodd-Frank Act, we are empowered to protect the general public by ordering offending businesses to cease and desist.”

Two industries that are expected to be first-in-line for a stepped up enforcement using this tool are gun manufacturers and fast food restaurants. “The sole purpose of a gun is to kill something or someone,” Cordray said. “It is an inherently unsafe product. By issuing a cease and desist order to manufacturers of these demonic devices we can bypass the inability of Congress to enact meaningful gun control laws.”

“Fast food is an even more insidious threat,” Cordray continued. “It’s probably responsible for more deaths than firearms. Yet, despite the best efforts of the First Lady businesses are still allowed to sell and consumers still allowed to buy these sickening comestibles. Well, the CFPB is going to ride to her rescue. Those who refuse to heed her request to offer healthier food choices will be shut down until they agree to comply.”

Businesses shut down by a CFPB cease and desist order could appeal the decision, but would remain closed as long as the CFPB deems warranted or until the CFPB order is overruled by a court. Either way, affected businesses could be without revenue for an extended period. Even if a court ultimately overturned a CFPB order the Agency would retain sovereign immunity for any damages suffered by shuttered businesses.

Concerned that the CFPB “may be overstepping its bounds to the detriment of both businesses and consumers,” Representative Sean Duffy (R-Wisc) has drafted legislation aimed at curbing the Agency. Whether it will go anywhere seems doubtful, though. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) denounced Duffy’s bill as “an unconstitutional infringement on the President’s right and duty to protect the American people from profiteers purveying unsafe and unhealthy products.”

In related news, First Lady Michelle Obama vowed she would “veto any legislative attempt to tamper with my school lunch program.” Schools have pressed Congress for relief from Michelle’s dietary guidelines on the grounds that students refuse to eat the food the guidelines require. The First Lady was unmoved. “Uneaten healthy food is better than eaten unhealthy food,” she argued. “Hunger will eventually bring the kids around.”

DOJ Wants to Boost Domestic Surveillance

Vowing not to allow himself to be distracted by recent events in Iraq, Attorney General Eric Holder called for increased efforts to monitor and interdict home grown threats.

“I know the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria is garnering a lot of attention beheading captured foes and pledging to use the cache of poison gas it has stumbled upon while rampaging through Iraq,” Holder said. “But this must not divert our focus from the bigger threat from those in this country who have an anti-government animus.”

“ISIS is thousands of miles away,” Holder pointed out. “Bloody as their aims may be they don’t pose a significant threat to our Government. In contrast, anti-government enemies of the President are legion and much more dangerous. There are an estimated 300 million guns in private hands in this country. That’s a lot of firepower in the hands of a population that polls show to be increasingly hostile toward the President.”

“While ISIS has no known sympathizers in Congress, those with anti-government animus do,” Holder added. “Senators and Representatives think nothing of openly criticizing the President’s programs and initiatives. Worse, they engage in active stratagems intended to block them. Unlike the ISIS, the anti-government crowd in America could bring down the Administration if we don’t take more active measures to prevent it.”

One element of the active measures the Attorney General is relying upon is the Domestic Terrorism Executive Committee. Holder urged this secretive committee “to raise our surveillance of potentially disloyal citizens another notch. We must penetrate their organizations, intercept their communications, and acquire every bit of intelligence on them that we can get our hands on so we will know who they are, where they are and when to initiate the appropriate countermeasures.”

Obama Says Iran May Be Key to Pacifying Iraq

Desperate for a way out of having to accept blame for a resumption of civil war in Iraq, President Obama welcomed the intervention of Iranian troops.

“It’s a case of fighting fire with fire,” the President explained. “The ISIS are some bad folks, but so are the Iranians. ISIS is terrorizing the Iraqi countryside, but Iran has a long history of aiding terrorist organizations like Hezbollah.”

Obama suggested that ISIS’s acquisition of Saddam Hussein’s secret stash of weapons of mass destruction could be counterbalanced by Iran’s secret nuclear weapons. “While the United States couldn’t credibly threaten ISIS with nuclear retaliation for their use of Saddam’s poison gases Iran could,” the President argued. “The regime is already on record welcoming the annihilation of the planet in the name of Allah.”

In related news, Secretary of State John Kerry wondered whether the Iraqi government’s indifference to the threat of global climate disruption may have contributed to the rise of ISIS. “Climate disruption has the potential to kill millions, maybe billions of the Earth’s inhabitants,” Kerry asserted. “I’m not surprised that many Iraqis watching their government ignore this problem were won over to the insurgency.”

Presidential Candidate Clarifies Gun Control Views

 

Aspiring 2016 presidential contender former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton sought to contrast her views on gun control with “the ineffectual dithering we’ve seen from the current Oval Office inhabitant.”

“Let me come right out and say it, the minority of private citizens with guns are terrorizing the rest of the population,” Clinton contended. “It’s got to be frightening for the average person when he realizes that his neighbor or the stranger passing him in the street may be armed and could shoot him at any moment.”

“If access to guns were limited to only those having a professional need for them—like police officers or body guards we could ratchet down the level of fear in our society,” Clinton continued. “Instead of having to worry that anyone might have a gun the number of those carrying would be reduced to a smaller pool. Awareness that the police have a virtual monopoly of firepower would tend to make everyone more compliant with police efforts to keep the peace. Stripped of the capacity to resist the only reasonable option would be obedience.”

Clinton brushed aside arguments that gun ownership is protected by the Second Amendment. “When that Amendment was written people were reacting to a fear that some despot would oppress them unless they were armed,” she said. “They had recently fought a war against the despotism of King George. In today’s America, though, there can be no despotism. Everyone gets to vote for who shall rule them. In effect, the Government is us. So our right to bear arms is preserved collectively in the hands of our elected Government. There is no longer any need for the right to bear arms to be exercised by each of us individually.”

In related news, the Clintons defended their efforts to evade estate taxes that Bill helped enact when he was President. “As persons who have donated their lives to public service we have already paid-in more than the average person, by rights we ought to be exempt,” a joint written statement read. “The scandalous absence of an explicit statutory exemption necessitated the maneuvers we have taken to right that wrong.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Cochran Gears Up for Final Campaign Push

John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Folder2 104Surprised that he is facing a run-off against State Senator Chris McDaniel to represent Mississippi in the US Senate, sitting Senator Thad Cochran (R) made an odd bid to corner the bestiality and animal cruelty vote.

With a knowing wink to his Pine Bluff audience, Cochran boasted that he’d done “all kinds of indecent things with animals” growing up in rural Mississippi.

Cochran campaign spokesman Jordan Russell downplayed Cochran’s comments contending that they were “the sorts of antics that many boys and young men engage in as youths. Let’s face it, rural Mississippi is just plain boring. Who can blame a youngster for setting a possum on fire or trying out his manhood on the family cow. It’s no big deal. I think every adult male in the state will identify with the Senator on this.”

This isn’t the only crucial voting bloc Cochran has made moves on in the last week. Senile voters also received a nod from the senator as he professed his confusion over Representative Eric Cantor’s recent primary defeat in Virginia. “I didn’t even realize that Eddie Cantor was still alive,” Cochran replied to a Fox News reporter. “Great singer and dancer, too. My favorite was ‘How Ya Gonna Keep ‘Em Down on the Farm (After They’ve Seen Paree?).’ That one really hit home with me. Sorry to hear he lost his seat in Congress.”

Coming to Cochran’s rescue is a $250,000 campaign donation from former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg who described the Senator as “a national treasure the nation can ill-afford to lose. When it comes to public policy, Senator Cochran has forgotten more than he’s ever known. His opponent can’t even come close to matching this wealth of institutional knowledge.”

Polls taken before Cochran’s recent remarks showed that McDaniel had opened up a small 3% lead in the race. The impact of Cochran’s new campaign emphasis is yet to be measured. Election day is June 24.

In related news, Representative Peter King (R-NY) lashed out at Senators Ted Cruz (R-Tex) and Rand Paul (R-Ken) for “encouraging voters to turn away from GOP leaders with years of experience and elect upstart neophytes whose single-minded notion that government can and should be curbed is simply out-of-step with modern realities. Life today is too complicated for individuals to cope with on their own. They need government help. The Democrats realize this. Until we Republicans get on-board we’ll continue to lose elections to them.”

Clinton Characterizes NPR Interviewer as “Dense” and “Unhelpful”

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton expressed her “deep-felt disappointment” with the turn her NPR interview with Terry Gross took. “Of all places I would’ve thought I’d be safe on NPR,” Clinton complained. “Is this woman dense? For her to badger me like she did is unhelpful. I mean, NPR is public radio. As a subsidiary of the federal government they ought to do a better job of helping their friends.”

The incident that sparked Clinton’s ire was a Gross question concerning when Clinton decided to support gay marriage. “During the time your husband was president it appeared that your position was opposed to gay marriage,” Gross said. “The infamous ‘Defense of Marriage Act’ defining marriage as a union of opposite sexes was passed by Congress and signed by President Clinton in 1996. Yet now, it seems that you fully support gay marriage. When did you switch sides?”

“At this point what does it matter when I switched sides,” Clinton replied. “If some want to believe that I always secretly supported gay marriage, but kept quiet for Bill’s sake, what’s wrong with that? If others want to believe that I, like so many other Americans, gradually came to the right side of the issue, what’s wrong with that?”

“I was only trying to clarify things,” Gross said. “Many brave individuals have been leaders in the fight for gay rights. Don’t voters deserve to know whether you were among them? Or is being a follower of popular trends sufficient grounds for voters to elect you president in 2016?”

The question now seems to be whether Gross will be able to hold onto her job at NPR. Paul Haaga, interim Chief Executive Officer of NPR would only say that “personnel matters are confidential. Whether any particular individual is employed by the organization is an internal matter. The complaint registered by Secretary Clinton will be taken under consideration. A decision that best serves the national will be rendered.”

In related news, Clinton is reportedly undecided on whether she will honor subpoenas to testify before Congress on Benghazi. “I do want to boost my book’s sales,” she told friends. “And some say any publicity is good publicity. But would stirring up more dust over that long ago tragedy really be in the nation’s best interest?” Hillary suggested that “if I were able to see the questions in advance and be permitted to delete those that are irrelevant then I might see my way clear to participate. Otherwise I’m not inclined to invest my time.”

NSA Says It Has No Control Over Its Data

Pressed to supply information in response to lawsuits charging that its widespread surveillance of US citizens is illegal, NSA Deputy Director Richard Ledgett contends that his agency cannot comply because “we’ve lost control over our computer system. We couldn’t retrieve the subpoenaed information if we wanted to. It’s like some kind of ‘Skynet’–alien and artificial intelligence has blocked access to all our data.”

Ledgett told US District for the Northern District of California Judge Jeffrey White “we’re as scared about this as anyone. We don’t know who’s side the computer is on. We’d like to think that since we programmed it we could count on it backing the Government and serving its interests, but we just don’t know. The fact that it currently is evading our efforts to manage it is not a good sign.”

In light of Ledgett’s response, Judge White vacated his earlier order requiring the NSA to preserve and produce the data needed to answer the lawsuits. “If the experts at NSA say they are stymied who are we to contradict them,” White reasoned. “Until NSA regains control of its system, if it ever does, I can see no alternative but to trust in their best judgment. The plaintiffs’ request for data is denied.”

Events in Iraq Have White House Mulling Options

The recent military success of the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL)–they have taken several northern cities in Iraq and are said to be advancing on Baghdad—has the White House in a tizzy. In 2011 President Obama declared Iraq had been cleared of Islamic extremists, that they’d been decimated and were on the run.

White House spokesman Josh Earnest insisted that “the administration is not accepting responsibility for these events. As the president has pointed out, Iraq was broken when he took office. The responsibility for that lies with his predecessor.”

Earnest contended that “steps the President has recently taken provide some ray of hope for a positive outcome. His release of detainees from Guantanamo should’ve earned us a reservoir of good will with the Islamic community in general and its terror arm in specific. So, we have that going for us.”

A second ray of hope cited by Earnest was the intervention of Iranian troops, which he argued “should stabilize the region. You don’t see terror attacks occurring in Iran. We need to ask ourselves why this is the case. What is their secret for averting this type of threat?”

In Earnest’s view “the positive role now being played by Iran also refutes those who say we’ve gone too easy on them. Maybe allowing Iran to join the nuclear club won’t be so bad after all. While the ISIL might doubt America’s willingness to unleash a nuclear strike on them, Iran might be perceived as having more fortitude in this regard.”

“And let’s not forget the president’s masterful deployment of drone strikes,” Earnest added, almost as an afterthought. “As he has humbly acknowledged, he’s very good at killing people with this technology. These terrorists must realize that no matter how many cities they take, no matter how many men they murder or women they rape, a drone can find them and strike them down at any time the President chooses.”

President Advises High School Grads

Speaking at a commencement ceremony at Worcester Technical High School in Worcester, Massachusetts, President Obama urged graduates to “vote Republicans out of office before they chain you to a life of sweat, toil, and unwanted personal responsibility.”

“Our country is at a crossroad,” Obama declared. “Will we continue to go forward toward a future of government-funded leisure for all? Or will the reactionaries of the GOP be permitted to drag us backward toward a lifestyle where everyone is dependent upon his or her own efforts?”

“Rugged individualism may have served our country well in the past when there was a wilderness to conquer,” the President observed. “But we are far beyond that now. We are at the dawn of the era of collective freedom. There is no longer a need for back-breaking labor to put food on the table. We have EBT cards. There is no longer a need to spend hours spinning, weaving and sewing. Inexpensive clothing can be imported from China and India. Today, putting a roof over your head is as simple as taking out a loan that can be forgiven when you stop making payments.”

“And it’s not only the bare necessities that I’m talking about,” Obama continued. “I see an America where everyone is entitled to the extras—all the good things in life. And, to paraphrase the Miranda warning, if you cannot afford them, the government will provide them for you.”

The president did task the students with “a responsibility to do the one little and easy job of electing your benefactors to office. The enemies of the new freedom won’t go away quietly. They prey upon outmoded ways of thinking to trick voters into buying their siren song. But you, as the new generation, can thwart their scheme by ensuring that Democrats hold all the levers of power at every level of government.”

Graduating senior Jamil Johnson hailed the speech as “a freeafying experience. I can’t say I understood everything he said, but it’s clear that white dudes are the ones we’ve got to bring down if we want to be free.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

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