Category Archives: John Semmens

Troops Being Deployed to Ebola Zone Get Skimpy Training

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Folder2 104The U.S. troops President Obama has ordered into West Africa to help in the battle against Ebola are receiving a scant 4 hours of training about the virus. Soldiers who have had the training have characterized it as “frightening.” “We will be exposed with minimal protective gear.” “If you get it you’ll probably die a horrible death.” “It’s far worse than getting shot or even blown up.”

United States Army Medical Research Institute of Infectious Diseases (USAMRIID) spokeswoman Caree Vander-Linden insisted that the skimpy training was “appropriate for the mission. We’re basically trying to warn the troops to be cautious, to not take undue risks. It’s not that much different than the more typical training teaching them how to avoid being a casualty of enemy attacks.”

Of course, the typical training related to enemy action is usually measured in months rather than hours and is more inherently connected to the normal military mission. Nevertheless, Vander-Linden asserted that “the ability of our armed forces to cope with emerging non-traditional threats is part of President Obama’s planned transformation of America. This projected battle against Ebola will serve as good experience for troops when they are asked to take on the even greater threat of global climate change.”

The inadequate training being given to the troops didn’t dissuade a trio of Democratic Representatives from urging that these troops give direct care to Ebola patients. Reps. Keith Ellison (Minn), Karen Bass (Calif), and Barbara Lee (Calif) contend that “only by putting US troops on the front line of danger can our nation begin to make a down payment on the reparations we owe for slavery. A key byproduct of the exposure to our troops will be an enhanced incentive to increase funding for the CDC to help find a cure. As long as the vast majority of the victims are Africans the American people can afford to remain relatively indifferent. But when their sons and daughters are suffering and dying from this virus their attitudes will change.”

President Dispatches Seasoned Political Operatives to Stem Ebola Crisis

President Obama took decisive action on the growing Ebola crisis this week by appointing two well-traveled political operatives to key roles. On the national front, he named Ron Klain his special Ebola Czar. At the same time, he tabbed Adrian Saenz to manage events on the ground in Dallas—site of America’s “patient zero.”

The fact that neither man has any expertise in any medical field, much less in infectious diseases, took many observers by surprise. Republican Senator Jerry Moran of Kansas called the appointments “puzzling. When I called for the naming of an Ebola czar I thought the fact that a person selected should have the appropriate medical background would go without saying. Boy was I wrong. The President has chosen to address this grave health situation by deploying a pair of Democrat political hacks. I fail to see how this will help.”

Klain has most recently been Chief-of-Staff for Vice-President Biden. He also has experience as a lobbyist and was instrumental in securing a half-billion dollar government subsidy for the failed Solyndra solar panel company. Saenz has most recently served as Special Assistant to the President and Deputy Director of Intergovernmental Affairs and has also worked for numerous Democratic Congressional candidates.

Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest attempted to bridge the credibility gap by emphasizing that “the medical issues are a minor technical aspect of the larger picture. What the President and the country needs even more desperately is someone who can work to restore the people’s faith in their government. These men are skilled in crafting messages that resonate with average Americans, as is amply demonstrated in their previous success in helping elect Democrats to office.”

In related news, Earnest tried to explain Center for Disease Control Director Tom Frieden’s seemingly incoherent assertion that a person can’t get Ebola from riding on a bus, but could give it to someone else on a bus. “Getting people to use public transit is critical to our policy of diverting people from driving their own cars.” Earnest said. “Reassuring bus riders is a crucial part of stemming a stampede out of public transit. The odds of an uninfected person encountering an Ebola carrier on a bus are small. So a person shouldn’t shun using a bus out of an irrational fear. On the other hand, a person who is infected shouldn’t wantonly expose others. So, yeah, if you suspect you may have Ebola, don’t use public transit. It makes perfect sense to me.”

Houston Persists in Effort to Stifle Speech

Though the City of Houston has backed off its demand for local area ministers to submit copies of their Sunday sermons to the City’s attorneys, it is now demanding copies of any non-sermon speeches they may have made.

Mayor Annise Parker, Houston’s first openly lesbian mayor, defended this blatant invasion of freedom of speech, arguing that “Houston Equal Rights Ordinance (HERO) is the law of this land. No one is entitled to speak out against the law, especially not church leaders.”

Churches have special exemptions from government taxes,” Parker pointed out. “As a quid-pro-quo for this benefit they ought to respect and teach respect for the duly enacted laws of the community—you know ‘render unto Caesar’ and all that. The City has a right to ferret out those who have violated this quid-pro-quo so that targeted corrective action to revoke these special exemptions may be undertaken where warranted. The requested copies of speeches will help the City distinguish which churches have violated their obligations under these exemptions.”

First Lady Frustrated in Efforts to Motivate Democrat Voters

First Lady Michelle Obama showed signs of increasing impatience with the Democrats’ voter base in her efforts to drum up enthusiasm for the Party’s candidates. “Too many of the voters who helped put Barack in office seem to be asleep at the wheel for these mid-term races,” she complained.

Michelle speculated that “poor diet may play an even bigger role than we thought. I mean, if a person is overweight feasting on junk food, getting up to go to the polls and vote may be too daunting a task. We’ve done all we could to try to eliminate impediments to voting. More voters than ever had been freed from having their time taken up having to go to a job to earn a living. We give them public housing, food stamps, even free cell phones. Why can’t they make the minimal effort to give Democrats their vote?”

In related news, another court struck down another state’s voter ID requirement. In this case, the Arkansas Supreme Court negated a state law requiring voters to show a photo ID at the polls. “It is hard enough to get the indolent segment of the population to make the effort to vote,” the court ruled. “Requiring them to show the same type of ID they must show to purchase liquor is an intolerable and unnecessary burden. Not taking the voter’s word that he is who he claims to be is an unconstitutional infringement on the right to vote.”

Guatemalan President Blames US for Illegal Immigration from His Country

Guatemalan President Otto Perez says the recent influx of illegal immigration to the US from Central American nations is America’s fault.

Look, Guatemala, Honduras, El Salvadore are veritable cesspools,” Perez admitted. “Who wouldn’t want to leave? Compare this to welfare obtainable in the United States if you are poor and you have a strong motivation to try to get there. With President Obama’s open border policies its practically an invitation to make the arduous journey north.”

As an alternative to mass migration, Perez suggested that “more generous foreign aid to our counties in the south could dampen the need for us to export our excess poor. First, if there are meaningful financial rewards for our government officials the incentive to take steps to discourage this traffic will be enhanced. Second, if we distribute a small share of the foreign aid in the form of benefits to our impoverished citizens perhaps they will see less need to try to escape the deploring conditions in our countries.”

The ball is in your court Mr. Obama,” Perez taunted. “Pay us now or bear the consequences later.”

US War on ISIL Gets Name

After several weeks of debate on what the US bombing campaign against ISIL ought to be called, the Obama Administration has settled on “Operation Inherent Resolve.”

Joint Chiefs of Staff General Martin Dempsey explained that “though the phrase has been dubbed ‘squishy’ by some, it embodies a basic truth about the campaign. We are trying to tread a fine line here. Those favoring the annihilation of these terrorists are urging us to go outside the bounds of the President’s thinking. The President wants an accommodation with Islam. The fear is that if we annihilate these jihadis we will alienate a billion Muslims around the globe.”

The aim, as President Obama has clearly stated on numerous occasions, is to ‘degrade’ ISIL, not destroy it,” Dempsey declared. “If ISIL were destroyed there would be no authority left with which we could reach an accommodation. A plan to destroy ISIL could have been described as ‘explicit resolve.’ However, the more complex objective of holding back our response to keep it within the parameters of the President’s philosophy implies a sort of resolve. So, the ‘inherent resolve’ is the best compromise moniker we could come up with.””

Colorado Governor Plays “Extortion Card” in Bid for Reelection

Unfavorable trends in recent polls have spurred Colorado’s Governor John Hickenlooper (D) to threaten to release mass murderer Nathan Dunlap from prison if he is defeated in the November 4th election. Nathan Dunlap killed four people at an Aurora Chuck E Cheese restaurant in 1993.

If I am reelected I’ll be too busy with other work to have the time to commute his sentence and let him out of prison, “Hickenlooper said. “Should voters turn me out, though, well, I probably won’t be too busy to consider commuting the sentences of Dunlap and other long-suffering inmates of our state prison system.”

University Officials Crack Down on Free Speech

University officials at Southern Oregon University (SOU) threatened students with disciplinary action for having the temerity to pass out copies of the US Constitution on campus last week.

Freedom of speech is not without limits in our society,” according to SOU Director of Student Housing, Tim Robitz. “If the students who want to hand out copies of the Constitution would only read the document they’d see that it is Congress that shall make no law abridging freedom of speech. There is no mention of the SOU administration in that document. So we are not similarly prohibited from abridging this freedom if we deem it necessary.”

The fact that the University has set aside a special free speech zone in a designated location on campus shows that we have done more than we have to to facilitate the rantings of the discontented,” Robitz contended. “Complaints from malcontents that the designated space is small and inconveniently off the main pathway demonstrate a lack of gratitude for the privileges we have extended to them.”

Robitz also criticized “the arrogance of those who assume that right is on their side. Not everyone is a fan of free speech. Many students have come to me to express their fear of being confronted with discomforting political points of view. Don’t they have an equal right to be protected from having to listen?”

NIH Deflects Criticism of Spending Priorities

GOP critics of government priorities in how tax dollars are spent have latched onto the National Institutes of Health investment in studying why lesbians are fat as a sign of the agency’s poor judgment.

Rep. Michael McCaul (R-Tex) says “the more we learn about the decisions made by this Administration, the worse it sounds. Back in 2008 the incoming Obama Administration was advised that it should take stronger measures against a possible Ebola pandemic. Instead, they divert scarce resources to studies like this.”

NIH Director Dr. Francis Collins defended the allocation of resources. “The number of obese lesbians in this country easily exceeds the number of Ebola patients,” Collins observed. “Using our limited resources toward efforts to serve this larger cohort doesn’t seem out of line to me.”

On top of this, let’s not forget that even for those who have contracted the Ebola virus the suffering is relatively brief,” Collins asserted. “On the other hand, obesity is often a lifelong problem that can produce decades of mental anguish and physical and emotional pain. So, no, I don’t think the NIH’s priorities are out of whack and I deplore the political opportunism of those who would like to make it appear as if they are.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Former Obama Press Secretary Says GOP Unfairly Exploiting Administration’s Failures

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Folder2 104The incoherence of President Obama’s foreign policy and the cascade of domestic policy scandals are being unfairly exploited for political gain according to former Obama Press Secretary Robert Gibbs.

Hitting a man when he is down is just plain dirty,” Gibbs maintained. “It’s disloyal and unpatriotic. Rather than criticize the President, Republicans should be looking for ways to help him recover from the battering he is taking in the media. That would be the decent thing to do.”

Gibbs was especially outraged that “the GOP hasn’t given the President enough credit for what he has accomplished. President Obama came into office with less executive experience than any other president in American history, with the possible exception of Lincoln. Yet, despite this handicap he was able to pass landmark health care reform and win reelection by a sound margin.”

The former Press Secretary expressed “hope that voters will look past the scurrilous attacks narrowly focused on so-called performance and remember why they voted for the President in the first place. There can be no question that his efforts to make government ‘cool’ have changed the way Americans think about how they want to be governed. Voting for the Democrats on their ballots in November will help him stay the course.”

State Department Praises Hamas-Fatah Alliance

A thawing of the rivalry between Hamas and Fatah was hailed by State Department spokesperson Jen Psaki as “a positive step toward resolving the issue of Zionist occupation of Palestinian lands. This helps thwart Israel’s attempt to drive a wedge between Muslims.”

From a broader perspective anything that stops Muslims from fighting amongst themselves is an encouraging development,” Psaki said. “Different sects of Islam have been warring against one another for centuries. Jihad is a noble endeavor that should not be frittered away on internal disagreements. This needlessly siphons off energy that could be more productively employed for the good of all Muslims. We look forward to the day when all Muslims are united in one ummah, not just in Palestine, but worldwide.”

In related news, the US State Department declined to condemn ISIS’s trafficking in slavery. As part of its reign of terror in Syria and Iraq, ISIS has kidnapped and sold an estimated 2500 Christian women as sex slaves for their jihadi warriors. “As I understand it, these transactions fall under the guidance of the Quran,” Psaki observed. “Condemning the sales just because they contradict western values would insensitively disregard the deeply held religious beliefs of over a billion Muslims. I mean, Muhammad, the Prophet of Islam, held slaves. How could we justify criticizing his followers for emulating his model?”

CDC Clarifies Obama Statement on Ebola

President Obama’s attempt to reassure people that “you can’t get Ebola from sitting next to someone on a bus” directly contradicted the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) advice for people who have returned from Ebola infested west African nations to avoid taking public transportation.

The President seems to have misunderstood what we told him,” CDC Director Tom Frieden explained. “Of course, the President would never have to worry about catching Ebola from a fellow bus passenger because he never rides on public transportation. How he generalized this into a notion that no one could catch Ebola from close proximity to a carrier in a public place is a mystery to us.”

As for the question foremost in the minds of every American, let me alleviate everyone’s worst fears: your President is in no imminent danger of contracting this deadly ailment,” Frieden promised. “You may all go about your daily lives knowing that every measure, no matter how costly, will be undertaken to insure that he remains safe.”

In related news, Frieden nixed the idea of a travel ban, calling it “unnecessary. There are simpler ways for us to insulate the President from exposure to Ebola than banning travel from west Africa to the United States. There is no need for us to negate the fundamental human right of individuals to travel wherever they wish. In fact, it is logical that a person who suspects he has Ebola would want to come to this country where he could expect to face better odds of recovering than if he were confined within the borders of the African Hell-hole he lives in. Blocking his efforts to escape would be cruel and inhumane.”

Frieden also mused that “the possible upside of allowing Ebola to spread to the United States is that it would inspire Congress to approve desperately needed increases to the CDC’s operating budget. Senators and Congressmen are frequent users of public transportation—taxis to the airport, commercial airlines back to the home state. I expect that self-preservation would push them to boost our budget once Ebola gains a foothold in this country.”

Kentucky Candidate Rebuffs Ballot Question

The Democratic candidate for the US Senate in Kentucky, Alison Grimes refused repeated queries as to whether she voted for Obama in either 2008 or 2012.

People may think they have a right to know, but they don’t,” Grimes forcefully asserted. “In this country we have a secret ballot. No one has the right to demand to know how I cast that ballot.”

Louisville Courier-Journal editor Pam Platt defended asking the question when Grimes appeared at the paper’s editorial board meeting to seek its endorsement in her race to unseat Republican Senator Mitch McConnell. “The secret ballot is meant to protect the private citizen from potential government harassment for voting the ‘wrong way.’” Platt said. “But Grimes is seeking to become a member of the federal government. Knowing whether she voted for President Obama would give our readers some insight into what policies she might support if she is elected.”

Grimes stubbornly tried to cast her refusal to answer as a mark of personal integrity. “I could’ve just lied and said I voted for McCain and Romney, but I didn’t,” Grimes argued. “I’m bigger than that. If people want to know where I stand on the issues they can go to my campaign website to find out.”

Whether Grimes’ campaign statements are a valid reflection of where she stands, though, was thrown into doubt by a recent covertly obtained video in which Juanita Rodriguez, a Grimes campaign supporter, admitted that Grimes’ claimed backing of Kentucky coal miners was bogus.

Obama’s Attempt to Cast GOP as “Party of Billionaires” Muddled by Fund-Raising Event

President Obama’s efforts to try to differentiate Democrats from “billionaire Republicans” was undercut by his own participation in a posh fund-raiser sponsored by billionaire Rich Richman.

Though the entry fee for the event ranged from $1,000 to $32,000, the President insisted that “it was an opportunity for the middle class to have a say in the electoral process” contending that “the $1,000 minimum fee was less than half the annual $2500 savings in health insurance premiums that each middle class family has experienced under the Affordable Care Act.”

As for billionaire host Rich Richman, the President asserted that “there are some great Americans—Richman, Soros, Buffett, to name a few—who haven’t had their values warped by money. These aren’t evil billionaires using the free market to amass wealth for selfish purposes. These are men who are aligned with progressive policies, who are cooperating with our effort to promote the collective welfare of those the government has taken under its wing.”

Maryland Governor Declares WiFi a Human Right

In what some project to be the opening gambit of a potential 2016 presidential campaign, Maryland’s Governor Martin O’Malley (D) declared that access to WiFi is a human right.

I’m not saying that people should merely be free to purchase and use WiFi at their own expense,” O’Malley clarified. “Doing what you please and paying for it out of your own pocket is an archaic conception of basic human rights. It may have been fine for our nation’s Founding Fathers because they didn’t know any better. Fortunately, we’ve made significant advances in our thinking since then.”

A key phrase that O’Malley thinks ought to guide modern thinking is one that appears in the standard “Miranda warning” that police give to arrestees regarding their right to an attorney: “if you cannot afford one, one will be provided for you at government expense.”

People can’t really be said to be free if their resources are insufficient to fulfill their needs,” O’Malley contended. “WiFi has become such an ingrained part of modern life that everyone must be entitled to participate. After all, man does not live by bread alone. If we can justify feeding, clothing, and housing the poor how can we draw a line that bars them from enjoying the abundance available to their better off peers?”

Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass), a projected rival for the 2016 Democratic presidential nomination called O’Malley’s declaration “an interesting opening to a whole new philosophy of freedom in this country. My only criticism is that we must go further than just universal free WiFi. No person in America should have to go without anything that anyone else has merely because of insufficient funds. We must evolve out of the anarchic individualized distribution of wealth in this country toward one where government plays the main role in guaranteeing a more equal allocation to all.”

Colorado Senator Opposes Any Limit to Abortions

In a debate with Rep. Cory Gardner, his Republican opponent for the state’s US Senate seat up for election in November, Senator Mark Udall (D-Colo) took a strong stand against any limits on abortion.

I know that it might sound cruel to say that a fetus on the verge of birth might have to be aborted because that is the mother’s decision, but the alternative is just so abhorrent that this seeming cruelty must be seen as the lesser evil,” Udall proclaimed. “For the government to step in at any stage of the pregnancy to stop its termination is the equivalent of saying that the woman is a slave to the fetus and must place its interests ahead of her own.”

This country fought a bloody war to abolish slavery,” the Senator reminded. “To allow this inhuman practice to creep back into our laws under the guise of protecting innocent lives would be the ultimate betrayal. The women of this state, and America for that matter, need to know that their government has their back and will not shy away from the hard choices they have to make about life or death and how they will use their own bodies.”

Despite some gasps from the audience, Udall said he remains confident that his seemingly callous attitude won’t hurt him with the broader electorate. “Right now my refusal to allow these debates to be televised is looking pretty damned smart,” he boasted. “By the time what I said is filtered through the media I’ll look like the second coming of the Great Emancipator.”

Senator Minimizes Concern for Those Who Lost Health Care Insurance

In a debate with GOP opponent Ed Gillespie, Senator Mark Warner (D-Va) expressed little concern over the reported 250,000 Virginians who lost their health care insurance coverage due to Obamacare.

Look, every battle has casualties,” Warner blandly commented. “What we need to do is weigh these against the gains achieved by the Affordable Care Act, of which I believe there were many.”

Among the gains cited by Warner were coverage for preexisting conditions, equal prices for men and women, and keeping children on parents’ plans until age 26. As good as these provisions may sound to Obamacare advocates, they yield no benefit to the 250,000 Virginians who lost coverage due to the ACA.

Warner blamed “penny-pinching business owners for putting profit ahead of the public policy that all be insured. Saying that the costs of the ACA would bankrupt them is no excuse. They should have faith that the government would eventually cover their losses if that becomes necessary for the nation’s overall well-being.”

In related news, Logan Clements, producer of the film “Sick and Sicker: ObamaCare Canadian Style,” has been hit with an IRS audit. IRS Commissioner John Koskinen insisted that “the selection of Clements for audit was completely random. Unfortunately, the documents verifying this were among those lost due to one of the many computer crashes that have plagued our agency.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

School Board to Add Masturbation to Kindergarten Curriculum

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Folder2 104The Las Vegas School Board has drafted a new sex education curriculum that has some parents alarmed. Part of the new curriculum includes teaching kindergartners and pre-schoolers how to masturbate.

Clark County School Superintendent Pat Skorkowsky called the plan “common sense. Rather than have these students learn about this in back alleys and lavatories we’re bringing it out into the open.”

Skokowsky tried to reassure parents, telling them that “trained professionals from places like the Mustang Ranch will be brought in to conduct the demonstrations. Only the most tried and effective techniques will be displayed. Enabling our students to efficiently achieve sexual self satisfaction will better prepare them for life.”

A side benefit, according to the Superintendent “is a projected decline in unwanted pregnancies when these kids are teenagers. If they learn that they can attain orgasm without needing a partner they’re less likely to engage in dangerous liaisons with members of the opposite sex.”

Liberal Blogger Says Obamacare a “Hidden Success Story”

Ezra Klein, editor of the on-line blog Vox, maintains that “continuing reports of Obamacare failures and deficiencies are being exaggerated by the media. The reality is that the program is a roaring success.”

People who have been forced to obtain a new plan at a higher cost are overlooking the broader social gains the Affordable Care Act has brought to America,” Klein argued. “Those who focus on only their own experiences are myopically selfish in their outlook. The truth is that a vast number of people who previously lacked health insurance are now qualified for government-subsidized health care.”

Klein characterized the complaints as “mostly from individuals who are disgruntled over having to bear a fairer share of the medical costs of those less well off than themselves. If we are to secure the blessings of social justice for ourselves and posterity those who can must help those who can’t help themselves. Labeling those who can’t as lazy isn’t a valid rationale for not helping them. Some people are genetically predisposed to be energetic. Others are not. Winning the DNA lottery cannot be used as an argument for denying the losers an equitable piece of the human pie.”

We need a sort of Miranda-type policy for health care,” Klein asserted. “If the minority who find themselves in need of an attorney they can’t afford have one provided to them at government expense, then surely the much larger contingent of persons in need of medical care they can’t afford ought to have similar rights to have doctors and hospitals provided for them at government expense. In an ideal world, the government would ensure that everyone’s needs were met and that all who are able work to their utmost to fulfill these needs.”

Clinton Forecasts New Corporate Ethic

Former President Bill Clinton told a gathering of Democrats that “the phenomenon of businesses grubbing for profit will wane in the coming years. Corporate leaders with the appropriate guidance from government will turn away from the selfish pursuit of gains for stockholders and toward a role that advances social justice.”

Clinton denied that there was any hypocrisy in his stance seeing that his own estimated net worth exceeds $100 million and his fees for giving speeches are in the six to seven figure range. “It is important that those of us with a clear vision of where society needs to go are not hampered by lack of resources to get the message out,” he said. “People who truly understand our agenda wouldn’t begrudge us the means to make it happen.”

The ex-prez expressed confidence that “the American voters appreciate what we’re trying to do. I think they’ll help grant Hillary the power she needs by electing her the next president in 2016.”

Holder Resigns as AG

Eric Holder announced that he is stepping down as the nation’s Attorney General. The ingratitude of the American people and the constant criticisms of Republicans were cited as compelling reasons for quitting.

Though I’ve done more than any previous Attorney General to reshape the way our laws are enforced I am badgered by contentions that I have veered too far outside the legitimate bounds of my authority,” Holder groused. “History will show that these bounds were too narrow if true justice is to be obtained. Nevertheless, as important as this crusade for people’s justice remains, I am exhausted.”

Representative Darrel Issa (R-Calif) dismissed Holder’s complaints as “a diversion. Holder has clearly been the worst AG this nation has ever had. There is no doubt in my mind that he has been intimately involved in a variety of DOJ misdeeds and cover-ups. Had he stayed on it was just a matter of time before he’d have been compelled to testify or, like so many of his co-conspirators, take the 5th to avoid doing so.”

Racial justice expert Al Sharpton says that “while I regret that this great civil servant has been forced from office for trying to do the right thing, I will work with President Obama to select the best replacement possible.”

One potential person Sharpton said he is considering recommending is actor Jamie Foxx. “Those who saw him in Django Unchained know that he will be an uncompromising enforcer of both the written and unwritten laws the President is trying to give to America,” Sharpton declared. “He would strike fear into racists everywhere. They would know that he wouldn’t hesitate to take direct action to bring them down, that the days of white officers gunning down black men are over. We’ll see how they like it when the tables are turned.”

People Shouldn’t Want to Live Past Age 75

Dr. Ezekiel Emanuel, one of the chief architects of the Affordable Care Act, says people should want to die at age 75.

Let’s face it, the vast majority of those over age 75 have nothing positive to contribute to society,” Emanuel wrote in an essay for Atlantic. “In both physical and mental terms they’re pretty accurately described as ‘decepit.’ Their bodies and minds are just rotting in their shells.”

It would be best if they could be persuaded to exit peacefully at their own hand—perhaps with the aid of a physician-prescribed suicide drug,” Emanuel suggested. “Heaven knows this would be more humane and cost-effective than stringing out their years with expensive medical treatments that exact a heavy toll on society’s scarce resources.”

The lingering presence of humanity’s dead weight threatens to bankrupt our health care system,” the essay added. “It may be necessary to limit these oldsters’ claims on that system. Fortunately, the mechanisms in place under the Affordable Care Act already authorize the Secretary of the Department of Health and Human Services to carry out a triage process that will allocate access to medical treatments. No longer will we remain helpless slaves to an ideology that permits individual selfishness to trump the collective good of society.”

US Forrest Service to Charge for Taking Pictures of Trees

Hungry for a means to supplement is budget, the US Forrest Service is proposing new regulations that would allow it to charge visitors $1500 if they want to take pictures in wilderness areas.

Liz Close, the Forest Service’s acting wilderness director, called the new fees “essential to our mission. These wilderness areas belong to the government. Why shouldn’t we get revenue from what is our property?”

Close warned against thinking that “these areas are too vast for us to enforce collection. We are watching from both the ground and the air. Rangers randomly patrol with orders to seize any cameras used by persons who cannot show that they have paid the fee. Airborne drones can cover extensive acreage and help guide ground forces to intercept illicit photographers throughout our territory.”

For now, drone launched missiles are not part of the plan, but could be deployed in the future if needed. “It has already been established that the President has the authority to order the use of deadly force against American citizens without having to go through cumbersome judicial channels,” Close pointed out. “So, if more restrained methods prove inadequate we can always up the ante.”

President Downplays Traffic Woes Caused by His Motorcades

As usual, President Obama’s recent trip to the United Nations to give a speech sparked tremendous traffic jams in New York City. Not to worry, though, it’s not so bad.

I hear a lot of hype about New York traffic, but it didn’t look too bad to me,” the President said. “All the stories of bumper-to-bumper, stop-and-go traffic that I’ve heard showed no signs on my trip to the UN.”

While Obama did concede that his experience may have been abnormal compared to what ordinary drivers have to deal with, he insisted that “putting up with a little extra congestion when I’m in town is a price that loyal Americans should willingly pay. They recognize that my time is more valuable than their time. A million trips each taking an additional 10 minutes of a common person’s time are easily outweighed by 10 minutes of my time that is saved by barricading all the streets along my route from the airport to my destination.”

As proof of his assertion, the President reminded everyone that “New York City went heavily for me in both presidential elections. I think this shows the people of this city understand the sacrifices required of them.”

ISIS Urges Muslims to “Rise up and Kill Disbelievers”

Enraged that President Obama Secretary of State John Kerry continue to maintain that the Islamic State is not Islamic, ISIS spokesman Abu Muhammad al-Adnani called upon Muslims around the world to randomly select and slay disbelievers.

These ignorant men know nothing about Islam if they persist in uttering these slanders,” al-Adnani fumed. “They may hide behind bodyguards, bullet-proof glass, or the entire armed forces of their country, but the people who elected them cannot escape the fury of the faithful. They walk around oblivious to the knives, guns, and bombs that righteous Muslims will kill them with.”

Al-Adnani had high praise for “the heroic action of Alton Nolen who has heeded our call and attacked two unbelievers in Oklahoma. The American police can insist all they want that these are not religiously inspired executions, but everyone knows better.”

There is only one way for people to save their lives,” al-Adnani said. “There is only one path to peace. All must come over to the Islamic faith. They must cease their resistance to Allah’s will. They must lay down their arms and submit. Only then will they be safe from destruction.”

Cities Step Up Efforts to Crush Deviant Behavior

The Seattle City Council passed a new ordinance that will fine people for throwing away too much food. The concern is that this discarded food should be composted rather than just trashed.

Our growth rate for recycling has stalled,” complained Council member Sally Bagshaw. “The notion of some city residents that they need not participate in this effort is erroneous. A successful program requires the full compliance of every citizen.”

To enforce the stricter rules the City will empower trash collectors to examine a family’s discards to determine whether any items found could have been recycled. “We’ve taken voluntary obedience about as far as it can go,” Bagshaw said. “We must not shy away from using the ‘stick’ if that is what it takes to keep people in line.”

Meanwhile, in Montville, New Jersey, the town council is mulling over an ordinance that would authorize police to conduct warrant-less searches of private dwellings in a bid to curb underage drinking.

The theory that this might be an unconstitutional invasion of privacy is invalidated by the fact that cities in this state have enacted 300 similar ordinances,” Montville attorney Fred Semrau contended. “The four walls of a home should not serve to conceal illegal consumption of alcohol.”

As for any damage that might occur when police break into private teenage drinking parties, Semrau laid the responsibility on the parents. “If parents would exert proper control over their children external interventions like this wouldn’t be necessary.”

RFK Jr. Demands Censorship of Climate Skeptics

Environmental activist Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. opined that those skeptical of the dangers of climate change ought to be silenced.

I’m really tired of arguing with these people,” Kennedy complained. “It’s a drain on my energy. It takes time away from restructuring society along more socially beneficial lines.”

Kennedy suggested that “climate skeptics should be put on trial at the Hague as ‘war criminals.’ Whether people realize it or not, we are at war for the planet’s future. On one side are those who want to save the planet. On the other are people who want to stop us from saving the planet.”

If we don’t save the planet everyone will die,” Kennedy continued. “The actions that would lead to such a catastrophe are a worse crime than any committed by Hitler. So why should these climate change deniers be treated any more leniently than we would’ve treated Hitler had he not committed suicide?”

Veep Says Tea Party “Worse than Republicans”

Vice-President Joe Biden castigated the Tea Party as “worse than Republicans. Democrats have their differences with the GOP, but we all agree on the need for the strong hand of government to control things. The Tea Party, though, is just anti-government. They don’t just want to take turns in the driver’s seat. They want to dismantle the machine and turn individuals loose to fend for themselves.”

To help illustrate his point, Biden pointed out that “House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) was recently quoted saying that he is Obama’s best friend. You’ll never hear something like that from a Tea Party guy. In my book, anyone who can’t be friends with the President is a danger to this country.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Dem Operative Says Obama Planning ‘October Surprise’

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Folder2 104Long-time Democratic Party operative Bob Beckel says GOP hopes of taking control of both Houses of Congress will be thwarted by an “October surprise.”

Republicans who are counting on the President’s unpopularity to spark a vote against Congressional Democrats are in for a rude awakening,” Beckel predicted. “On Sunday, November 2nd President Obama will go on national TV and announce his resignation. Relieved of this albatross, embattled Democrats should be able to cruise to the finish line on top on November 4th.”

Then on the third day, November 5th, President Obama will rise like Jesus did, and resume his role as the country’s leader,” Beckel bragged. “The genius of the plan is that just saying you resign on TV is not an official act under our laws. It is analogous to a political promise—it has no weight and can be broken at the discretion of the promise-maker. Meanwhile, the objective of the phony resignation will have been accomplished: the Democrats retain control of the Senate and take back the majority in the House.”

Beckel conceded that a November announcement wasn’t strictly an October surprise, but argued that “it fits the spirit of the concept while employing Obama’s uniquely persuasive political talents. Remember, he got into office in 2008 by promising hope and change. Even though the changes he’s introduced have not brought hope to the majority of Americans, voters still reelected him in 2012. This ploy will enable him to turn the tables on the GOP and add dozens of Republican Congressional scalps to his belt.”

A different take on the Democrats’ election chances was offered by First Lady Michelle Obama who ventured that “once voters reflect on the real achievements Barack has made and yet may make they’ll give him the Democratic Congressional majorities he needs to finish the job.”

Among the achievements listed by Michelle were “allowing millions to permanently leave the work-a-day rat race of full time employment and enjoy more leisure time without having to worry where their next meal is coming from. More Americans than ever before are getting free food, free housing, free cell phones…you name it. And plans are underway to ensure that those who need it will get free cars. Voters can punch their tickets to this paradise by filling Congress with as many Democrats as they can.”

Student Punished for Sharing His Lunch

Weaverville Elementary School eighth grader Kyle Bradford was sent to detention for sharing his burrito with another student.

Tom Barnett, the Superintendent of the Trinity Alps Unified School District explained that “there is a district wide policy that prohibits students from exchanging the meals that the school provides. In this particular instance Mr. Bradford’s apparent act of kindness was undermining the school’s food allocation decisions.”

The student Bradford gave half of his burrito to had been “allocated” a cheese sandwich that was not to his liking. Bradford was unimpressed by the school’s rationale and undeterred regarding potential future food sharing. “If a friend wants a portion of my meal I would definitely share with him,” he said.

Barnett characterized Bradford’s stance as “an invitation to anarchy. A 13 year old is not qualified to decide who should eat what. That decision is reserved to school nutrition experts. We will not hesitate to use progressively severe sanctions if that is what it takes to attain the compliance we require. If detentions don’t get the message across there is always suspension or expulsion. Students must learn that obedience is not optional.”

In related news, Ramay Junior High School in Fayetteville, Arkansas ordered 13-year-old Chloe Rubiano to remove her “virginity rocks” t-shirt. Principal Matt Saferite, winner of Arkansas’ Principal of the Year for Secondary Schools last year, explained that “the message on the shirt is an implied criticism of students who were unable to attain that goal. It’s a sort of reverse scarlet letter that can harm some students’ self esteem.”

Female Democrat Heavyweights Assert “Congress Is out of Touch on Women’s Issues”

A roundtable discussion at the Center for American Progress agreed that “Congress is out of touch on women’s issues.” Contributors to this conclusion included former Secretary of State and aspiring Democratic presidential contender Hillary Clinton, Democratic Sens. Kirsten Gillibrand (NY) and Patty Murray (Wash), House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (Calif), and Rep. Rosa DeLauro (Conn).

Women bear nearly 100% of the physical burden of procreation, yet do not exercise 100% of the power to determine how these children shall be raised and cared for,” Clinton observed. “Women who are married have to share authority with their children’s fathers. This cultivates feelings of dependency that eat away at women’s self esteem.”

Sen. Murray pointed out that “while all children have equal needs, not all have access to equal resources. The children of fathers with good jobs can enjoy a more enriched life experience. Children whose fathers are absent, unemployed, or in jail are deprived of their rightful share of life’s bounties.”

Rep. Pelosi suggested that “a just society would even out the discrepancies. Ideally, all earnings from all fathers would be put into a common pool and be doled out based on children’s needs. Children wouldn’t be penalized because their fathers were inadequate providers. The more productive fathers’ outputs would be shared more broadly rather than be used to spoil their own offspring.”

Sen. Gillibrand warned that “we mustn’t get hung up on the idea that every woman wants to be a mother. If Congress really respected women it would fully guarantee that every one of them can obtain an abortion at her own discretion. Our only hope of bringing this fundamental principle of justice to America is to support Democrats at every level of government. We must end the obstructionism and patriarchy embodied in the Republican Party.”

Attorney General Calls for More Racial Balance in People Police Shoot

Referencing the events in Ferguson, Missouri, US Attorney General Eric Holder called for more racial balance in the people police shoot.

What we had in Ferguson was a white officer shooting a Black teenager,” Holder recounted. “When we look at over all statistics, white officers shooting African-Americans is disproportional to their representation in the population. This establishes a prima facie case that racism is playing a role in the use of deadly force.”

We need to ask some hard questions,” Holder contended. “Why isn’t there a more proportionately balanced representation of America’s population when it comes to police shootings? Why are African-Americans so frequently victimized by law enforcement? What can we do to restore a more equitable distribution of the carnage?”

The Attorney General asserted that “clearly, white officers need to undergo some form of attitude adjustment. Sensitivity training may be part of that. But I doubt that will be enough. It may be time for an affirmative action program aimed at achieving a balance that has thus far eluded us. Every police department needs to keep detailed records of the racial composition of those their officers shoot. When these records show a racial imbalance steps must be taken to rectify that.”

Not everyone was pleased with Holder’s approach. Racial justice expert Al Sharpton blamed “unduly restrictive laws. There are too many things that are illegal in this country. Take the case of Michael Brown in Ferguson. This young man’s personal efforts to collect reparations for 400 years of repression shouldn’t have resulted in him getting shot. Taking a few cigars and resisting Officer Wilson—the armed enforcer of racial subjugation for the benefit of white America—were righteous acts of rebellion. The law needs to be modified to recognize this.”

In related news, Holder issued a decree prohibiting states from adopting zoning laws that might have the effect of blocking the establishment of Mosques or Islamic culture centers in areas where they are needed. “Islam commands its adherents to spread the religion in any way that they can,” Holder said. “They need to be able to set up shop near the populations they are targeting for their proselytizing mission.”

IRS Commissioner Taunts Congress

Internal Revenue Service (IRS) commissioner John Koskinen made light of Congressional efforts to probe his agency for evidence of wrongdoing.

At a House Oversight and Government Reform subcommittee hearing Koskinen mocked committee members, saying that “hard drive crashes continue as we speak. We can erase files and destroy incriminating evidence faster than you can imagine where to look.”

Charges that IRS employees broke the law and broke file retention protocols elicited only a chuckle from the Commissioner. “Congress is not my boss,” Koskinen pointed out. “I answer to the President. Last I heard, he thinks we’re doing fine.”

Koskinen belittled any actions that might be taken against him or his agency as “the impotent frothing of an irrelevant artifact of a form of government that no longer exists in this country. If Congress censures me, so what? Should a court find me guilty the President will pardon me. Why should I worry?”

In related news, CIA Director John Brennan refused to tell lawmakers who authorized the illegal surveillance of Senate Intelligence Committee computers. “Members of Congress do not have the appropriate security clearance to be privy to that information,” Brennan claimed. “I have spent my career protecting secrets. I’m not about to turn them over to the kind of blathering loudmouths who run Congress.”

Americans Fighting for ISIS Shouldn’t Lose Passports, Congressional Candidate Says

The suggestion that Americans leaving the country to join ISIS ought to forfeit their passports was rejected by Iowa Democratic Congressional candidate Staci Appel during her televised debate with her GOP opponent David Young.

The right to travel is fundamental to what it means to be an American,” Appel maintained. “A person shouldn’t have to worry that someone else will judge the reasons for his travel as illegitimate. What if the American tries to join ISIS but is rejected for some reason? Shouldn’t he still have a home country to return to? What if he fights for ISIS for a while and needs to come back for some R&R or to visit with family? What if he tires of slaying unbelievers and wants to leave ISIS? Do we really want to bar the door to his return?”

Young added his own questions to Appel’s litany. “What if ISIS sends this American back to the United States on a mission of mayhem? Might not guarding against this possibility be a good reason to throw up a roadblock against it by revoking the passports of those known to have left the US in order to join ISIS?”

Candidate Says Illegal Immigrants Have Earned Right to Receive Welfare

Democratic gubernatorial candidate Rep. Mike Michaud (Maine) says he is opposed to the idea of curtailing the eligibility for welfare payments to illegal immigrants.

These people have undertaken a long, arduous, and often dangerous journey to get here,” Michaud said. “That took courage and determination. Welfare payments are a meager reward for enduring these treks. It would be niggardly of us to deny them after they’ve crossed the finish line.”

Under Maine law, illegal immigrants are not eligible for state funded welfare payments. Nonetheless, several cities have defied the law and paid out public funds to them. Portland disburses over $200,000 per month to ineligible illegal immigrants—a practice that Michaud promises will become legal once he is elected governor.

State Senator Eloise Vitelli (D-Augusta) said she supports Michaud’s position on the issue. “If we cut them off from benefits it’s like we’re telling them they wasted their time coming here,” Vitelli contended. “That seems a cold and unwelcoming attitude to me.”

Retiring Senator Endorses Hillary for President

Retiring Sen. Tom Harkin (D-Iowa) gave a ringing endorsement to former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s presidential ambitions.

Most people think that she is a moderate, kind of middle-of-the-road type of politician,” Harkin said. “This is way off the mark. She is much farther to the left and a lot more progressive in her thoughts and her inclination than most people may think. That’s why she has my unconditional support should she choose to run for president in 2016.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Mexican President Calls Perry Border Policy “Unneighborly”

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Folder2 104Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto castigated Texas Governor Rick Perry’s deployment of National Guard troops on the U.S.-Mexican border as “unneighborly. He’s like that Clint Eastwood character in Gran Torino telling my people to get off his lawn.”

For decades my people have become accustomed to the ability to pass freely between our two countries,” Peña said. “In our minds this clearly establishes an ‘easement’ right to travel over these roads and pathways. For Governor Perry to suddenly seek to terminate these rights is an affront.”

Peña indicated that he plans to bring the issue up before the United Nations. “America’s trampling of human rights has become a growing problem for us,” Peña complained. “While the United States may be the 800 lb. gorilla in our bilateral relationship they can’t stand against the whole of humanity represented by the UN.”

UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon promised “to give this matter serious consideration. The Earth belongs to all of humanity. The right of any individual to move about in any part of it cannot be denied by any secular power. The fact that Mexicans have been crossing the Texas border unopposed for generations would seem to have built a strong case for the easement right claimed by President Peña.”

Peña brushed off contentions that his country has also been unneighborly by continuing to imprison US Marine Sgt. Andrew Tahmooressi for inadvertently crossing into Mexico with guns in the trunk of his vehicle. “There is no right to bear arms in Mexico,” Peña pointed out. “If we let this man go it will set a bad example for others. His case is in no way comparable. First off, he is one man. The persons impacted by Governor Perry’s edict number in the tens, maybe hundreds of thousands. Few of them are armed, but even if they were, America’s Constitution guarantees their right to own and carry firearms.”

School Confiscates American Flags from Students

Woodruff High School in Spartanburg, South Carolina confiscated American flags from the vehicles of four students this past week.

The school’s principal, Aaron Fulmer, explained that “professions of patriotism do not write a ‘blank check’ for egregious behavior. Many of our undocumented students may feel intimidated by such flagrant demonstrations. And as President Obama has pointed out, the American flag, like the Confederate flag, is seen as a symbol of oppression in many parts of the world.”

Flaunting so-called American exceptionalism also contradicts the lesson of humility our school is trying to inculcate,” Fulmer said. “The United States is just one country out of hundreds. It is inappropriate for students to be acting like America is special and somehow better than anywhere else.”

Fulmer was less certain about the possibility of confiscating other flags that have been brandished around the country. “A Mexican flag may be a reassuring symbol of a far away home that an immigrant misses,” Fulmer speculated. “Who are we to take that away from them?”

As for confiscating the ISIS flags that have popped up elsewhere, Fulmer admitted that “that would be difficult. I wouldn’t know the flag if I saw it. And I wouldn’t want to risk angering some very dangerous people.”

IRS Poised to Start Taxing Employer Provided Lunches

Some employers provide employees with company-paid free lunches. The idea is to keep workers at their desks and improve productivity. The expense has normally been lumped in with other expenses as a cost of doing business. The IRS now wants to tax these lunches as income to the employees.

IRS spokesperson Jason Coveter explained that “most employees have to furnish their own lunches. Whether they go out and buy it or bring it from home, they are bearing this cost themselves. It is unfair for other employees to get a lunch paid for by their employer. We’re just trying to level the playing field.”

The “leveling” will be retroactive “to help rectify previous wrongs,” according to Coveter. “We’re going to try to go back at least a few years if we can,” he said. “Consuming free lunches is kind of a social crime and we’re using a sort of ‘statute of limitations’ model that would impose a significant penalty, but not an unlimited one.”

Some taxpayers could end up owing thousands in back taxes and penalties. Not to worry says Coveter, though. “We will have easy payment plans in place that will allow those who owe to pay in installments over the course of a year or two.”

Other employer provided amenities that are in line for future IRS scrutiny include free parking, heating/cooling, lights, and toilet facilities. “Those are all things that the employee has to pay for when he’s at home,” Coverter said. “There’s no good reason why he should be relieved of the cost of these burdens just because he’s at work.”

Germany Strikes Blow Against ISIS

The German Government has decided to strike back against the ISIS reign of terror in Iraq and Syria by revoking its access to civic amenities.

Included in the ban would be the total loss of privileges to use public facilities such as meeting rooms at libraries, ramadas at public parks, and participation in public parades. In addition, security personnel at sporting events will be instructed to deny admittance to anyone wearing Isis symbols including hats, t-shirts or other garb with the organization’s insignia.

Defense minister Thomas de Mazière, characterized the restrictions as “a measured response. We want to give them the chance to feel the bite of these penalties and see if it reforms their behavior before considering more aggressive actions.”

Holder Says Arming Mexican Drug Cartels “Our Ace in the Hole” vs. ISIL Infiltrators

While a key part of President Obama’s strategy to combat ISIL involves arming supposed enemies of that organization, a program that has previously been roundly criticized is now being bandied about as “prescient” and “visionary” by Attorney General Eric Holder. The program: “Fast and Furious.”

What the President’s critics have lambasted as wrongheaded and improvident is starting to look pretty good now that ISIL has vowed to infiltrate the United States via our southern border,” Holder bragged. “The Mexican drug cartels are very territorial about what crosses over this border. They won’t be too friendly toward ISIL actions that may threaten their smuggling profits.”

Holder hailed “the toughness of these people. As we have seen they are every bit as vicious as the thugs running ISIL. They have murdered hundreds—many by beheading. And with the huge volume of firearms we have helped them acquire they are well-prepared to defend their perceived turf against these ISIL interlopers.”

Jennifer Lasley, a senior official in the Department of Homeland Security’s intelligence and analysis office concurred in Holder’s take on the issue. “These Mexican gangs are scary. Setting them up to be our first line of defense against potential ISIL infiltration was a stroke of genius that the Administration won’t get enough credit for.”

It’s possible, though, that ISIL might use a portion of its profits from sale of oil from the wells it seized in Iraq to bribe the cartels for a truce and passage through their border fiefdoms. Should this occur, Holder vowed that “we will put our heads together to try to come up with a ‘plan B.’”

In related news, Rep. Eddie Johnson (D-Tex) argues that “the beheading of those journalists doesn’t warrant the war President Obama now seems eager to initiate. That was only two guys. As many or more are murdered every week in the President’s home town. So, is he going to launch air strikes against the gangs that are terrorizing the streets of Chicago? Aren’t they more dangerous to more Americans than ISIS?”

Senator Udall Says Debates “Not Part of My Strategy”

Sitting Senator Mark Udall (D-Colo) refuses to debate his GOP opponent Cory Gardner, saying that a proposed televised debate is “not part of my strategy for reelection.”

These live debates are such a crap shoot,” Udall groused. “You can’t carefully craft your message. You only have a few seconds to compose answers to off-the-wall questions. The risk of a misstatement is high.”

Rather than endanger the major investment his campaign has made in focus group-vetted platitudes by debating, Udall expressed satisfaction with his plan to bombard voters with dinner-time robocalls. “The beauty of these is that a candidate has total control over what is said,” he boasted. “A brief message that pushes a couple of key buttons can reach thousands of voters per hour. Why should I ruin that by stumbling through a debate?”

Press Secretary Chides Golf Clubs

The Trump National Golf Club, Winged Foot and Willow Ridge rejected requests to let President Obama play on their golf courses over the Labor Day weekend. This mightily irked Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest.

These clubs put the needs and convenience of their members ahead of the needs and convenience of the President of the United States,” Earnest charged. “It’s a clear case of misplaced priorities.”

The inconveniences to golf club members would’ve been substantial. All other golfers would’ve been barred from the course while the President played through.

Where’s their sense of patriotism?” Earnest wondered. “The President is Commander-in-Chief. Where’s their sense of social conscience? Their club members are part of the wealthiest segment of society. The President is the representative of all the people, including the lowliest among us. Where’s their sense of humanity? The President has the hardest job in the world. Surely that entitles him to some much needed relaxation. It’s just so cruel and unfair.”

To try to make amends, Donald Trump offered to allow Obama unlimited access to all of the golf courses he owns if the President would only resign from office. “His mouthpiece is asking for a sense of humanity,” Trump observed. “How about a win-win situation where Obama is relieved of his burdens while the world is rescued from his incompetence?”

Kerry Says Islamic State Is Not Islamic

US Secretary of State John Kerry challenged ISIL’s definition of itself and insisted that the self-proclaimed Islamic State is not, in fact, Islamic.

I studied Islam in college,” Kerry asserted. “None of the books I read or classes I took mentioned anything about beheading unbelievers or raping women. I’ll stack this up against the mutterings of an uneducated terrorist any day of the week.”

Palestinian-Jordanian politician Muhammad Bayoudh Al-Tamimi disagreed with Kerry and maintained that ISIL’s “actions and words stem directly from the Quran and Sunna—two of Islam’s most sacred texts.”

A spokesman for ISIL suggested that “perhaps this chattering moron, Kerry, has not read the right books or listened to the words of practicing believers. If he falls into our hands we will give him the opportunity to rectify this gap in his education. Then we will cut his head off as the Quran commands.”

IRS Chief Says “We Try to Follow the Law Whenever We Can”

IRS Commissioner John Koskinen told the House Ways and Means subcommittee that “as a general rule, we try to follow the law whenever we can.” Rep. Kevin Brady (R-Tex), who leads the subcommittee, expressed the idea that the IRS ought to always follow the law and asked for instances in which Koskinen thought breaking the law might be necessary.

Laws are such static things,” Koskinen observed. “They don’t necessarily provide for every possible contingency. If the President feels that there is a gap in the law we’re not going to allow ourselves to be stymied by the lack of legislative authorization for what needs to be done.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Kerry Says ISIS Will Be Destroyed Within Three Years

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Folder2 104U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry predicted that the Islamic State (also known as ISIS and ISIL) would be destroyed within three years. The means: “massive wrongful death lawsuits.”

“These thugs might think they’re cute filming the decapitation of their victims,” Kerry said. “But by putting their torts on record they have opened themselves to legal liability that will cost them billions in damages.”

“No country on Earth has better or more expensive lawyers than we do,” the Secretary boasted. “With skills honed from decades of tormenting corporate defendants in the courtroom, the plaintiffs’ bar will eviscerate ISIS’s defenses and use their own words and videos against them. Financial ruin and public humiliation for these goons is just a matter of time.”

Kerry invited observers “to compare our innovative and nuanced approach with the clumsy efforts of the Bush Administration’s so-called ‘war on terror.’ In our plan, instead of putting US troops at risk, all the heavy lifting will be done by lawyers filing suits and attaching liens to every asset ISIS possesses.”

According to Kerry, a side benefit of the Administration’s strategy to sue ISIS into submission is that “it allows us to conserve our resources to fight the greater threat of global warming. The massacres perpetrated by ISIS are a mere pin prick compared to the devastation that climate change will wreak on the planet. If we do not prevail in this greater fight Foley and Sotloff will be remembered as the lucky ones.”

ABC’s Good Morning America, co-host George Stephanopoulos called this “sue the bastards” strategy “amazingly ingenious. It opens an arena of conflict at which this nation excels. The skills ISIS has nurtured in beheading captives, raping women, and killing children will be completely useless against the hordes of attorneys we can deploy against them. I think the Administration has once again turned the table on its critics.”

Senator to Issue Report Absolving IRS

Sen. Carl Levin (D-Mich), chairman of the Senate’s Permanent Subcommittee on Investigations is preparing a report that will absolve the IRS and Lois Lerner of any wrongdoing in the campaign to target and harass conservative political organizations.

“Those who have alleged that Lerner and the IRS took it upon themselves to conduct a vendetta against conservative organizations have it all wrong,” Levin alleged. “Evidence has emerged that the IRS was acting upon urgent requests from highly placed members of the government. Bureaucrats being responsive to the needs of the government is behavior we should be encouraging not punishing.”

The highly placed members of the government cited by Levin included himself and fellow Senators Richard Durbin (D-Ill), Charles Schumer (D-NY), Jeanne Shaheen (D-NH), Tom Udall (D-Colo), Sheldon Whitehouse (D-RI), Al Franken (D-Minn), Michael Bennet (D-Colo), and Jeff Merkley (D-Ore).

“When a Senator is on the other end of the phone or email, a public servant’s duty must be to assist in whatever way he or she can,” Levin insisted. “These requests must be expedited, not impeded by excessive attention to  rules and regulations. It was not Ms. Lerner’s job to insert her judgment as a barrier to carrying out the wishes of the people who vote on the appropriations to fund the agency she works for.”

In addition to the procedural arguments raised in defense of the IRS, Senator Levin pointed out that “substantively, the organizations flagged by the Senators were reasonably suspected of anti-government views and activities. It was the IRS’ patriotic duty to interdict these organizations in whatever way it could in order to help thwart their attempts to undermine the President and his loyal supporters.”

UN Defends Refusal to Evacuate Non-Combatants in Gaza

In its efforts to minimize collateral damage in its campaign against Hamas terrorists who were launching rocket attacks against Israeli civilians, the Israel Defense Forces (IDF) asked UN “peace keepers” in Gaza to help Palestinian civilians evacuate the combat zone. The UN refused this request.

UN spokesperson Penelope Ironside explained that “the idea that civilians should be removed from the battle zone conflicted with the explicit strategy of one of the contending sides. For us to have assisted in their removal would have compromised the UN’s position as a neutral party.”

“The conflict between Israel and Hamas is asymmetrical,” Ironside added. “Hamas cannot effectively oppose the IDF in head-to-head combat. Embedding its weapons in the midst of Palestinian civilians impedes the IDF’s path. For us to have facilitated the removal of these persons would’ve been tantamount to taking sides.”

“Secondly, the whole notion that civilians are merely innocent bystanders is not accepted by Hamas,” Ironside continued. “What Israel insists are innocent victims of their rocket attacks, Hamas sees as legitimate targets. Jewish women and children are illegally occupying Palestinian lands. Maybe the Hamas rocket attacks will make them leave.”

Biden Says Hoarders Are Retarding Economy

Citing a paper released this week by the St. Louis Federal Reserve, Vice-President Joe Biden blamed American consumers for the sluggish economy.

“The government is doing everything it can to try to stimulate the economy,” Biden contended. “The federal government is spending every dollar it can get its hands on. The Federal Reserve is manufacturing new dollars at an unprecedented pace. But consumers are just sitting on their cash.”

“Hoarding cash makes no sense,” the Veep argued. “The dollar’s purchasing power is being diluted on a daily basis by government policies. Spending your dollars before they lose even more value is what you should do.”

Biden dismissed concerns that people might be saving out of fear of losing their jobs, saying that “there’s no need for anyone to provide their own safety net. In fact, depleting all your assets and means of subsistence makes you eligible for the maximum amount of public assistance.”

“If private hoarding continues the government may have to implement a more vigorous escheatment process in order to put these idle funds to better use,” Biden suggested. “I mean, if people are just sitting on inactive balances in savings accounts the government has the need and the right to seize these funds and inject them into the flow of commerce.”

NY Board of Elections Cracks Down on Unauthorized Speech

Concerned that “unelected persons might defame elected officials,” the New York Board of Elections has declared that no one may criticize a sitting officeholder without first forming a “political action committee.”

Executive Director Todd Valentine asserted that “the notion that everyone is free to say whatever they want about members of the government is a misunderstanding of the concept of freedom of speech. If you’re talking about or to another private citizen you can say whatever you want. But if you want to criticize the governor, mayor, or a member of the legislature or city council you need to file with us.”

Those who engage in criticisms without gaining prior approval from the Board may be fined up to $1,000 per offense. If, for example, you pass out 50 flyers opposing the reelection of your current senator—you’d be liable for a potential fine of $50,000.

Valentine was unconcerned that the regulations might discourage some citizens from participating in public debate. “People who are serious about politics will make the effort to register as a political action committee,” he contended. “Those not willing to take this minimal step have no business getting involved. The era of unregulated rogue commentaries is ended in this state. It’s the least we can do for those who govern us.”

In related news, the University of Minnesota student newspaper apologized “for any embarrassment we may have caused Senator Franken for attempting to schedule a debate between him and his Republican challenger Mike McFadden. Senator Franken has rightly pointed out that as the state’s US Senator he should not be forced to demean himself by debating a person who is merely a private citizen. We can only hope that Senator Franken will forgive our youthful indiscretion on this sensitive matter.”

Firm Punished for Verifying Employees’ Residency

The Department of Justice has fined Culinaire International $20,000 for asking a prospective hiree to provide proof of legal residence.

“Demanding that employees show proof of citizenship or legal residence in this country is discriminatory,” Attorney General Eric Holder asserted. “It explicitly contradicts the President’s expressed wishes that all applicants whether in this country legally or not be treated equal.”

Holder brushed aside state laws that penalize employers for not verifying residency status as irrelevant. “The possibility that a state may sanction an employer for not conducting such a verification is not my concern,” Holder said. “The fact is Culinare violated our Administration’s policies. We cannot allow that infraction to go unpunished.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Congressman Wants to Ban Body Armor

 

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Folder2 104Rep. Mike Honda (D-CA) has introduced legislation that would prohibit the sale, use, or possession of body armor by unauthorized persons. “Authorized persons” in Honda’s view include government law-enforcement personnel, troops, and others the government may deem worthy of such protection.

Those duly empowered to use deadly force should not have to fear that their efforts might be thwarted by the widespread availability of bullet-resistant vests or helmets,” Honda said. “The government’s capacity to suppress dangerous elements must not be diluted.”

Honda dismissed the idea that law-abiding civilians could have a legitimate need for this type of personal protection—Bullet Blocker’s bullet-proof backpacks for students, for instance. “Allowing students to acquire these items could instill a false sense of security. Worse, these backpacks could easily fall into the wrong hands and be used by those with malicious intent.”

To be most effective the firepower of government authorities must be overwhelming and irresistible,” Honda argued. “Not only should the government’s agents have a monopoly on the ownership and use of guns, they must also be able to operate freely without worrying about potential opposition.”

Existing laws that make it illegal for convicted felons to own firearms and body armor “are inadequate,” according to Honda. “There’s a big loop hole that permits those without a criminal record to obtain the means to commit crimes using firearms and body armor. Access to the means for self-defense enables people to take an antisocial path rather than cooperate with the collectively arrived at decisions of their government. People need to trust and support the authorities and not try to go it alone.”

State Department Insists US Is Not at War with ISIS

The beheading of American journalist James Foley, the massacre of thousands of Christians, Kurds, and Shiite Muslims, and ISIS’s vow that its flag will soon fly over the White House does not mean the United States is at war with them, says Deputy State Department spokesperson Marie Harf.

ISIS may think they are at war with us, but that doesn’t mean we are at war with them,” Harf insisted. “As you may have observed, President Obama sternly denounced Foley’s televised beheading. He has done his part to inspire others to take the actions needed to cope with the situation. There’s no need for him to do more.”

Harf cited the President’s immediate resumption of his golfing vacation and fund-raising as proof that “the President is fully in control of his agenda. He will not be forced into engaging in hostilities with ISIS.”

What Obama is willing to consider is “cutting back on the assistance we’ve been providing ISIS in its battle against Assad in Syria. As concerned as we are about the tyrannical abuses of the Assad government we need to reconsider whether aiding his enemies is the prudent thing to do.”

The Deputy State Department spokesperson also defended the President’s decision to reveal confidential information about a failed attempt to rescue Foley even though the revelation jeopardizes potential future attempts to rescue other hostages. “Even if a rescue were to be successful the number of lives saved would be minuscule,” Harf pointed out. “In contrast, a widespread perception that the President didn’t do enough on behalf of Foley is clearly undermining confidence in his Administration. With the off-year elections ahead that is far more damaging than the forgone hypothetical opportunity to save a few of the remaining hostages.”

DHS Says It Had to Release Murderers

Outraged over learning that the Department of Homeland Security released 154 illegal immigrants convicted of homicide in their native country, Sen. Charles Grassley (R-Iowa) demanded an explanation from DHS Secretary Jeh Johnson. He received a reply from Immigration and Customs Enforcement chief Thomas Winkowski.

In his reply, Winkowski maintained that DHS “had no choice in the matter. We should not be castigated for obeying the law.” Winkowski’s contention, though, may not be correct. While it is true that the law does not permit DHS to hold illegal immigrants indefinitely, it does allow for the retention of “dangerous immigrants.”

Just because an immigrant has been convicted of a serious crime in Mexico, say, doesn’t prove he is dangerous in America,” Winkowski suggested. “Maybe he was unjustly convicted. Or maybe he came to our country to start a new life. Until they are convicted of a crime in the United States they deserve the benefit of the doubt.”

Judge Rules Private School Vouchers Unconstitutional

North Carolina Superior Court Judge Robert Hobgood declared the state’s the Opportunity Scholarship program unconstitutional. The program provided funds for poor children to attend the same private schools attended by their financially better off peers.

Allowing these children to exit the failing public school system undermines the incentive and capability for improving the public schools,” Hobgood ruled. “It would put the good of the few ahead of the collective well-being of the whole. By preventing the few from escaping we maintain the pressure for reform of the system.”

Hobgood rejected the argument that allowing students to exit substandard schools would stimulate competition and lead to better public school performance. “Public schools are too inflexible to compete,” Hobgood said. “The only chance for them is for public outrage over poor performance to induce a major overhaul of both methods and personnel. Every parent whose child is trapped in the public school is another potential voice of outrage. Parents who are now seeking scholarships to save their own children must be turned into advocates for all of society’s children. They won’t do this unless they see their own children suffering.”

The fact that the vast majority of recipients of the Opportunity Scholarships are Black didn’t impress Hobgood. “There is an even larger contingent of Black victims left behind in awful public schools,” he observed. “Unless every child can be saved it is better that none be saved. That is the only equality we can absolutely guarantee.”

In related news, Dyer County High School senior Kendra Turner was suspend for saying “bless you” after a classmate sneezed. “Blessing has religious connotations,” explained a school spokesman. “This is a public school. We have zero tolerance for that.”

Missouri Governor Demands Vigorous Prosecution

Missouri Governor Jay Nixon (D) is saturating the air waves with his demand that Ferguson police officer Darren Wilson be “vigorously prosecuted” for shooting Michael Brown on August 9th.

We’ve all seen the Hell this community has gone through since the shooting,” Nixon recounted. “The Black citizens will burn down the entire town if we don’t give them the justice they want.”

The Governor brushed aside the possibility that the shooting might be justifiable self-defense. “Sure we could spend a lot of time and effort trying to determine whether Brown brought this on himself by attacking Wilson,” Nixon said. “Maybe Wilson feared for his life. Maybe he felt he had no alternative. But what I’m saying here is that now we have no alternative if we want to preserve the peace.”

Cooler heads need to come to grips with what must be done,” Nixon continued. “If Wilson goes free there’ll be more trouble. More people could be hurt. More businesses could be wrecked. Police officers take an oath to serve and protect. Right now, the best way for Wilson to fulfill his oath is to accept responsibility and do his time. If he won’t do that voluntarily it is up to us to see that he does. Sacrificing one to save many is the kind of hard choice that the voters of this state elected me to make.”

Nixon’s perspective was bolstered by Al Sharpton’s assertion that rioters who appropriated merchandise without paying for it were “liberators” rather than “looters.” “No amount that the white man pays could adequately compensate us for the 300 years of slavery and 450 years of racial discrimination the Black man in America has had to suffer,” Sharpton claimed. “It isn’t stealing when you reclaim what is rightfully yours.”

Texas Governor Indicted for Abuse of Power

This past week an Austin Grand Jury indicted Governor Rick Perry (R) for abuse of power. The offending act was his veto of the budget containing funds for the salary of Travis County District Attorney Rosemary Lehmberg. Perry took this action when Lehmberg refused to resign after her arrest for drunk driving.

In April 2013, Lehmberg was hauled in for DUI. Tests showed her blood alcohol level to be more than three times the legal limit. Lehmberg threatened the arresting officer and deputies at the sheriff’s office with the loss of their jobs for deigning to interrupt her travels. Thinking that an abusively drunk public prosecutor might be an inappropriate person to hold that position, Governor Perry demanded she step down.

Lehmberg doesn’t deny that her behavior was disgraceful, but contends that “at least half the state legislators are drunk half the time. Drinking is the number one past-time of half the adult population of this state. So, being drunk and disorderly can’t be a legitimate barrier to holding a public office. There’d be too many vacancies.”

The County DA was also quite pleased with her one-upmanship. “Drunk driving is only a misdemeanor, abuse of power is a felony,” Lehmberg boasted. “We’ll strip Perry of his right to carry firearms and to vote. Any aspirations he may have had to run for President are finished thanks to me.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

Ferguson Looting Said to Be Fitting Tribute to Michael Brown

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Folder2 104The emergence of a convenience store security video tape of Michael Brown roughing up the shopkeeper and stealing boxes of cigars was said to vindicate the looting rampage that followed his being shot by police.

All those stuffed shirts saying that our robbing stores was an inappropriate expression of our anger and grief were dead wrong,” asserted a self-identified looter who says her name is Jihadena. “One of the last things Michael did before he was gunned down was rob a store. We’re just doing the work he no longer can do. What could be a more fitting tribute to his memory?”

Jihadena challenged the characterization of Brown as a common thug, insisting that “he was a guerrilla for social justice. President Obama promised transformation, but where are our reparations for slavery? Where is the equal distribution of wealth? That convenience store had plenty of cigars. What’s wrong with Michael taking the initiative to redistribute a few of them?”

The image of Michael Brown as the liberator of cigars from the clutches of an Asian profiteer clashes with Al Sharpton’s allegation of “a massive conspiracy to assassinate this young man’s character. That video could’ve been photo-shopped. The witnesses to the robbery could’ve been coached. Michael’s criminal history could be fabricated. Besides, even if he did rob that store since when do we have the death penalty for stealing cigars?”

In related news, U.S. District Judge Catherine Blake ruled that Maryland may ban assault rifles. “These weapons are inappropriate for hunting and they are too cumbersome for personal self defense,” Blake asserted. “Their chief selling point seems to be that they would enable a citizen to resist government authority. As such, these weapons do not qualify for protection under the ‘right to bear arms’ clause of the Constitution.”

Kerry Makes Case for Global Warming as Mankind’s Greatest Threat

US Secretary of State John Kerry continues to baffle observers by insisting that “global warming is, by far, the greatest threat mankind faces in the 21st century.”

The reason should be obvious from the term ‘global’ warming,” Kerry said. “This means that it affects everyone. This has to put it ahead of dangers that afflict necessarily narrower categories of victims. The beheading of innocent children by ISIS in Iraq, for example, only affects thousands of people.”

The threat to wipe Israel off the map and exterminate the Jews, at worst, would entail the deaths of only a few million,” Kerry continued. “Juxtaposed to this limited atrocity, the ecological damage from global warming is vaster by an order of magnitude. Billions will be faced with excruciatingly relentless rises in temperature. Trying to stay cool will be an endless task. The cost and discomfort of attempting to cope will easily outweigh the momentary pain of being blown apart by a suicide bomber or having your throat slit by a jihadi.”

In a way it could be said that massacres serve to ameliorate the impact of global warming,” Kerry pointed out. “The fewer humans there are, the less pressure they will put on the ecosystem’s carrying power. So, while it is not their intent to fight global warming groups like ISIS and Hamas are inadvertently contributing toward a brighter future for the planet. We should not overlook this mitigating factor.”

While Kerry appears to imagine himself a great thinker able to see past the “minor skirmishes” that most see as the main concern of the nation’s chief diplomat, a recent editorial in Investors Business Daily characterized his contention that global warming is the more serious threat as “dangerously moronic.”

Kerry does appear to be at some risk of getting out of step with his boss, though. Just this week President Obama declared “conservative maximalists” to be the biggest threat. “The essence of a successful community is universal cooperation for the collective benefit of all,” the President said. “This requires compromise. Yet, there is a contingent within that continues to take the extreme position that certain so-called fundamental rights are immutable. This contingent of conservative maximalists is more dangerous than any other enemy we face.”

Hamas Extends “Gift of Martyrdom” to Tunnel Diggers

Concerned that dozens of low-wage workers who built the maze of tunnels from the Gaza strip into Israel might reveal the locations to enemy forces, the Hamas leadership ordered their execution.

Hamas spokesman Khaled Mashal justified this seemingly ungrateful reward as “a necessary precaution. There are those who would say that the measures we took to prevent these diggers’ knowledge of the tunnels’ locations ought to be sufficient. Yes, the workers were blindfolded before being led to and from where they were told to dig making it exceedingly improbable that any of them could lead an Israeli to a tunnel location. But their death makes it impossible for them to reveal any location.”

Only infidels would consider our action in this matter cruel,” Mashal maintained. “We have released these men from a harsh life of poverty—they did this backbreaking work at a wage of $1 per hour—and given them the gift of martyrdom. As we speak they are all enjoying the pleasures of copulating with virgins that Allah promised.”

Mashal did permit himself a mild chuckle as he described the miners’ last moments: “As we blindfolded them to lead them away to execution many talked excitedly of what they would buy with the wages they expected for more digging. Not one suspected the surprise we had in store. It was most amusing.”

Dems Push for Federal Funding of Abortions

Representatives Mike Honda (D-Calif), Barbara Lee (D-Calif), Jan Schakowsky (D-Ill), Louise Slaughter (D-NY), and Jackie Speier (D-Calif) are going on a 10,000 mile bus tour to drum up support for repealing the current ban on federation money being spent for abortions.

The issue is one of simple justice,” Lee argued. “Why should the option of escaping an unwanted pregnancy be denied to women who can’t afford to pay for it? Human rights shouldn’t come with a price tag. Criminals who can’t afford a lawyer get one at taxpayer expense. Why shouldn’t innocent women be treated as well?”

We should fund every abortion we can afford,” was Slaughter’s take. “Every child born is another mouth to feed. Would-be mothers who can’t afford abortions will end up giving birth to children they can’t afford. The cost of rearing a child to adulthood dwarfs the cost of an abortion. I challenge my GOP colleagues to do the math and support federal aid for abortion as the fiscally responsible thing to do.”

A “more civilized society” was Rep. Schakowsky’s goal. “Unwanted pregnancies destroy lives,” she contended. “The first victim is the mother who is burdened by a child she does not want. The second victim is the unwanted child who grows up in poverty. The third victim is the innocent bystander who is a casualty of the violent underclass peppered with individuals who would’ve been aborted if the funding had been available.”

The bus tour of these luminaries of contemporary moral philosophy began in Los Angeles, California August 9 and is expected to arrive in Washington, DC in mid September after stops in 12 cities along the way.

Hillary and Barack Hug Away Kerfuffle

This week former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton stirred up a kerfuffle in an interview published in The Atlantic magazine by implying that the Obama Administration’s foreign policy was “a directionless mess.” President Obama angrily rebuffed Clinton’s remarks as “horse shit.”

However, the soothing ambiance of a gathering at a posh Martha’s Vineyard resort has dampened down combative tempers on both sides. As a spokesman for Hillary explained, “it was a case of public perception vs. core reality. Given the President’s abysmal voter approval ratings it is imperative that any Democrat who hopes to win an upcoming distance herself from the President’s negative public image.”

There is no fundamental difference between the policies that President Obama and Secretary Clinton have pursued and the policies that a future President Hillary Clinton will pursue,” the spokesman said. “But the only chance of continuing those policies is for Hillary to prevail in the 2016 election. Once President Obama was reassured on this he acquiesced to the strategy.”

President Laments “Balkanization” of Media

The low cost of communication over the Internet has led to “a dangerous proliferation of voices” according to President Obama. “It used to be that everyone got their view of the news from major media outlets,” Obama recounted. “There was more unanimity of message. This helped bring the country together.”

Now, though, any nobody with a little free time can get a website and pontificate for all the world to see,” the President complained. “We have no way to control what is said and we lack the time and energy to refute every erroneous idea or contention that is made.”

The President’s lamentation may be answered, though. The Internet Tax Freedom Act is due to expire November 1. This law blocks states from assessing taxes on Internet use. The House of Representatives has dealt with this issue by passing the Permanent Internet Tax Freedom Act (PITFA). PITFA is currently one of 300 House-passed bills being blocked by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev).

The President isn’t the only one suffering a barrage of criticisms from pipsqueak yahoos on the web, I’ve had my share of abuse too,” Read grumbled. “We’ll see how outspoken these guys are once the states start hitting them with a couple hundred dollars a year in Internet access taxes.”

While Reid was pessimistic about ever “restoring total order to the information arena” he evinced a degree of confidence that “between state taxes and an Executive cut-off switch we can winnow out a significant number of unwelcome participants in public policy debates.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

 

Obama Eyes Emancipation Proclamation as Model for Amnesty Executive Order

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Folder2 104Insiders say that President Obama will use President Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation as the model for his anticipated Executive Order granting amnesty to millions of illegal immigrants. In 1862 Lincoln declared that all slaves in territory held by the Rebels were “forever free.” He justified it as a wartime necessity.

Those close to Obama say he views the parallels as “striking.” “As he sees it,” says an off-the-record source, “the vast majority of the illegal immigrants reside in states that are hostile to the Administration—at war with his efforts to transform the nation. Thus, as Commander-in-Chief he believes it is his right to act alone to both serve a broader justice and to weaken the strength of his political enemies.”

The beauty of it is that there’s nothing anyone can do to stop him should he decide to go ahead,” the source chortled. “He may not have the law or Constitution on his side, but he has strong support from national opinion makers. And if the GOP dares to impeach him for exceeding his authority a wave of Hispanic votes will sweep them aside in November.”

To his credit, Lincoln aware of the absence of explicit authority for his proclamation sucessfully lobbied for a Constitutional Amendment (the 13th) freeing the slaves. President Obama is reported to see no need for a similar move on his part to try to fix what he considers “a fatality flawed and essentially useless document.”

Judge Denies Plaintiff Access to IRS Emails

The quest of those victimized by the IRS’s discriminatory treatment of conservative groups hit a brick wall when U.S. District Court Judge Reggie Walton ruled that the plaintiffs failed to prove that denial of access to the emails would result in “irreparable” harm.

True the Vote,” a conservative organization dedicated to combating vote fraud, had requested that a forensic expert of the court’s choosing attempt to recover the “lost” emails of IRS official Lois Lerner. Lerner has refused to testify to Congress on the grounds that such testimony would be “self incriminating.”

Nonetheless, Judge Walton characterized the plaintiff’s suspicions as “excessively mistrustful of the government. The IRS has said that the emails in question are irretrievably lost. True the Vote has failed to produce any evidence that this is not the case.”

A spokesman for True the Vote called the ruling a “catch 22. We are denied the opportunity to probe for evidence because we don’t already have that evidence. This is despite the fact that a pattern of ‘lost emails’ amongst various government agencies is emerging. I don’t think we’re excessively mistrustful.”

Walton also ruled that “the fact that the plaintiffs are free to file lawsuits and are not languishing in some secret prison strikes me as pretty persuasive evidence that they have not suffered irreparable harm. Whether they may suffer such harm in the future is, at this point, speculative.”

In related news, House Oversight and Government Reform Committee chairman Darrell Issa (R-Calif) reports that more than 20 Obama Administration have “irretrievably lost” emails his committee has subpoenaed. Press Secretary Josh Earnest attributed this phenomenon to “extraordinary bad luck. We spend top dollar for the best computer equipment, yet this keeps happening over and over. The President is just livid about it.”

Weiner to Open Wiener Restaurant

Anthony Weiner, the former Democratic Congressman who gained wide notoriety by tweeting photos of his genitalia is ready to open a new chapter in his life. Spotting what he characterized as “an unfilled niche in the marketplace,” the ex-pol is set to embark upon a restaurant venture in the Queens borough of New York City.

The wiener, or hot dog, is an under appreciated delicacy,” Weiner maintains. “Too often it is relegated to street corner carts where it is hastily prepared, topped with pedestrian condiments, and carelessly scarfed down by the palate-challenged troglodytes who walk our streets.”

At Chez Weiner we will introduce diners to a truly gourmet experience,” Weiner boasted. “Instead of having to settle for a squirt of mustard or ketchup on their meat our patrons will have an array of classic choices with which to garnish their wieners. My own personal favorite is the foot-long dog tipped with a creamy Alfredo sauce, but we will also have Bearnaise, Béchamel, Velouté, Espagnole, Hollandaise, and tomato bisque along with ‘chef’s surprise’ toppings for special occasions.”

The menu won’t be circumscribed to solely wieners,” Weiner promised. “There will be a variety of drool-worthy bratwurst, kielbasa and other sausage-like options, we think will go down easy.”

Weiner said he expects to make heavy use of social media to promote his venture. “If I’ve learned anything from past experience it’s that whatever you put out there on Twitter goes a lot farther than you originally anticipated,” Weiner observed. “Once I show people what I’ve got I’m confident they’ll come and get it.”

Braley’s “Chickens Out” Demand Mars Senate Bid

Iowa’s Democratic nominee for the US Senate Bruce Braley’s hissy fit over a neighbor’s chickens may derail his electoral chances in this farm state. The trouble started when Braley espied a few of neighbor Pauline Hampton’s pet chickens strutting around the yard of his vacation home in the town of Brooklyn and filed a complaint with the home owners association.

In an attempt to be neighborly, Hampton proffered a gift of a dozen freshly laid eggs, but Bruce Braley would have none of it. “I can’t be bought off so cheaply,” Braley angrily asserted. “I’m a candidate for the United States Senate. I shouldn’t have to put up with unwanted fowl trespassing on my property. I deserve more respect.”

Hampton was blindsided by the vehemence of Braley’s reaction. “These are very gentle chickens,” Hampton insisted. “They don’t wander very far from home and they don’t pose a danger to anyone or anything.”

The PETA-endorsed Braley saw no irony in his demand that Hampton cage her chickens or face being sued for damages. “While I support the general concept of ‘free-range’ chickens I don’t want them on my doorstep,” the candidate said. Braley admitted that he doesn’t spend much time at his Brooklyn property, but insisted that “the very thought of these creatures invading my space even when I’m not there is an affront I can’t abide.”

Reid Says He Will Make No Apologies for Defending President’s Credibility

A big part of President Obama’s political message has been the travails he’s suffered because of a “do nothing” Congress. The fact that there are over 300 bills passed by the House that are currently being blocked by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) would seem to rebut the President’s contention. Of these House passed bills, 50% passed unanimously, 70% passed with a 2/3rds majority, and 55 were introduced by Democrat members of the House.

The House has been active trying to craft legislation to address an array of problems,” Rep. Lynn Jenkins (R-Kan) pointed out. “The charge that we are doing nothing is mendacious propaganda. It is the Senate under the leadership of Harry Reid that is failing to undertake its legislative responsibilities.”

Reid defended his inaction on these bills. “The President is engaged in a desperate struggle over who will rule this nation,” Reid contended. “Faced with the option of helping him or cooperating with the House my choice is clear. If the President is to prevail in his struggle his argument must not be undermined. By helping to ensure that nothing can get through Congress the case for unilateral executive action is bolstered.”

The Majority Leader argued that recent polls showing that Congress is held in even lower repute than the President vindicate his strategy. “The whole concept of legislative government is confusing to the average American,” Reid said. “Voters want and deserve the clarity of having the man they chose as their President do what the country needs to have done. By validating his criticism of Congress I am helping him to retain his credibility in his fight. For that I make no apologies.”

911 Protocols Explained

When she heard someone breaking into her home, 80-year-old N.J. Logan grabbed a pistol and called 911. The Holmes Beach, Florida 911 operator repeatedly insisted that Logan “put down the gun.”

This seemingly counter intuitive advice was labeled “standard protocol” by Holmes Beach Police Captain Abbie Safer. “Our first priority must be to insure the safety of our officers. Ideally, only the police would have guns. Failing that it is our presumption that anyone else with a gun is a perp deadly force will be deployed.”

If Ms. Logan is armed when the police arrive she could get shot,” Safer continued. “Even worse, she could mistakenly shoot one of our officers. If she puts the gun down the casualty totals will almost certainly be lower. Chances are those breaking into her home are not armed. Even if they are a shoot out between the victim and the criminals risks multiple lives. An unarmed victim is usually not killed by burglars or rapists. So, on balance, we feel it is better that victims not attempt do-it-yourself self-defense. Wait and let the professionals handle it.”

Logan was not persuaded by either the initial urgent demands from the 911 operator or Captain Safer’s rationale. “It took the police 20 minutes to get there, who knows what might’ve happened while I had to wait for them?” she asked. The crooks, apprised by Ms. Logan that she had a gun, ran off long before the cops arrived.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

 

CIA Strikes Penitent Pose

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Folder2 104With the escape route of deniability closed, CIA Director John Brennan grudgingly apologized to Senate intelligence committee leaders for his Agency’s covert perusal of their correspondence.

Yeah, we’re sorry,” Brennan growled. “But I still don’t see what the big deal is. We spy on everyone. Why should Senators be exempt from our efforts to protect national security? Are they somehow better than the average Americans they supposedly represent?”

Is it really implausible that Senators having access to classified information might pose a significant security risk?” Brennan continued. “I could argue that the need to keep an eye on what they say to who is even more important than monitoring what the great unwashed masses are doing.”

Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif), Chair of the Select Committee on Intelligence didn’t dispute the need for “a comprehensive surveillance of potentially dangerous communications,” but questioned whether “members of the Government ought to be ensnared in the net. After all, the role of the CIA is to protect the Government from all enemies domestic and foreign. The time and energy they wasted scrutinizing me and other Senators diverted them from their primary responsibility.”

Thus far an internal CIA investigation of itself has turned up no evidence of criminal wrongdoing. Nonetheless, Brennan has convened an internal accountability board chaired by former Sen. Evan Bayh (D-Indiana) “in order to restore confidence in the Agency’s good name. Having a respected former Senator give us a clean bill of health should help bolster the image of the CIA in the public’s eye.”

UK’s NHS Defends Investment in Boob Jobs

While the United Kingdom’s National Health Service spends more than £50 million per year subsidizing breast augmentation surgeries it refuses to pay for a drug that can help extend the survival time for cancer patients. A stark contrast between the cases of Josie Cunningham and Reece Hawley has raised eyebrows.

The buxom Ms. Cunningham’s breast enlargement was funded by the NHS back in 2009. She currently is selling pay-per-view tickets at £10,000 a pop to see her giving birth later this month. Reece Hawley is a trainee teacher.

NHS spokesman Howard Titman attempted to explain the seemingly anomalous treatment of these two individuals. “Basically, Mr. Hawley is a goner,” Titman said. “With the therapies available the prospect of him living more than a year or two is exceedingly slim. Even then the quality of life he’d experience would be pretty bad. On the other hand, a woman who has had breast augmentation is projected to live many years at a higher stage of happiness because of the procedure.”

Since the NHS has limited resources we have to make choices,” Titman went on. “It seems to us that buying many years of happiness for some easily outweighs buying a few miserable extra months for those desperately ill. As for Mr. Reece being sick through no fault of his own—well we can’t really be sure of that. We can be sure that small-breasted women are the victims of an insufficient genetic inheritance. Why shouldn’t we fix that?”

In related news, Lithuanian Health Minister Ilze Šalaševičiūte proposed that the elderly poor be compassionately euthanized both for their own good and the good of society. “Scarce resources must not be wasted on stringing out the lives of relatively useless members of the community through expensive medical treatments,” Šalaševičiūte maintained. “Those we have sustained on public assistance while they were young and health have already consumed more than their fair share. If they are old and ill it is their social duty to die. We must provide a convenient and comfortable exit for them.”

Congresswoman Says It’s Time to Stop Whining about Canceled Health Insurance

Rep. Anna Eshoo (D-Calif) says she is “tired of hearing pathetic stories from people who have been forced to find new insurance plans under the Affordable Care Act. The ACA has eliminated substandard insurance policies and guaranteed that every American will obtain superior coverage.”

Rather than be grateful that the Government is looking out for their best interests a cadre of complainers are whining that the new plans cost more than their old plans,” Eshoo complained. “Well, duh. These new plans cover more stuff. A lot of the old plans didn’t cover a number of birth control options. Virtually none of them covered sex-change surgery. To get more you’ve got to expect to pay more.”

Religious fanatics who assert that they have no need for these added coverages are putting their selfish and deluded views ahead of what the legislation has determined is in the best interest of the nation as a whole,” Eshoo contended. “I have no sympathy for their individualistic and egocentric demands.”

Rep. Bill Cassidy (R-La) whose proposed bill authorizing insurers to continue selling ACA non-compliant policies to willing buyers inspired Eschoo’s rant called her remarks “as a clear demonstration of the smirking arrogance that characterizes the thinking of so many proponents of Big Government.”

Democrat Says President Can Ignore Law If He Wants

House Democratic Whip Steny Hoyer (MD) acknowledged that “the President can’t legitimately legalize those who’ve illegally entered the country,” but suggested that “he could decline to enforce the laws against illegal entry against them.”

Hoyer argued that “it’s like the cop who decides to overlook your speeding because you’re driving your pregnant wife to the hospital. There are extenuating circumstances that make rigid enforcement of the law cruel.”

Most of those in the country illegally came here for good reasons,” Hoyer pointed out. “They come from countries where their prospects and opportunities are poor—there are no safety nets. In America they can look forward to an array of social services like free education, healthcare, and guaranteed minimum sustenance to ensure that they are fed, clothed and housed. They aren’t limited to what they can provide for themselves.”

So, while it’s clear that the President has no Constitutional or legal authority to take care of these people he may view it as his moral obligation to do so,” Hoyer said. “He’d just be being his brother’s keeper, so to speak.”

President Excuse s Hamas Tactics, Condemns Israel

President Obama condemned Israel’s attack on a UN school in Gaza as “barbaric and uncivilized.” The fact that the school housed Hamas weapons that were being used to kill Israeli civilians was considered insufficient grounds for the Israeli Army’s shelling of the building.

As former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton mentioned earlier this week, Gaza is a small country with few locations where weapons can be concealed,” Obama said. “Besides, Hamas had explicit permission from the UN to store armaments in the school’s basement. It is Israel that is acting outside the bounds of internationally agreed upon standards.”

UN Secretary General Ban Ki Moon confirmed that “the dual usage of this building was necessitated by the scarcity of space and the juxtaposition of mutually hostile peoples in this beleaguered land. If it weren’t for the unwanted presence of Jews in this formerly Muslim territory there would be no need for Hamas to store weapons designed to oust the occupiers.”

From a superficial perspective I realize that it might seem that Hamas’ attacks on Israeli civilians would be perceived as unwarranted,” Obama conjectured. “However, given the disproportion between the strengths of Israel’s armed forces and Hamas’ fighters it would be unfair for us to insist that both sides confine attacks to each other’s respective armed combatants. There is little doubt that a direct Hamas attack on Israeli soldiers would be suicidal. The only effective way Hamas can hurt Israel is to target its civilians.”

To help illustrate his argument, President Obama pointed out that “the comparative weakness of Hamas forced them to use the agreed upon 72-hour ceasefire as an opportunity to launch a surprise attack where they were able to kidnap an Israeli soldier. This would not have been possible if hostilities had been in full swing.”

In related news, Obama used the occasion of the Islamic holiday of Eid (al-Fitr) to thank Muslims for “building the very fabric of our nation.” House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) said she was “pretty sure the President is referring to those fabulous carpets, which I think are made in Persia. I have several in my houses.”

Massachusetts Cracks Down on Pro-Life Free Speech

Determined to overcome a recent 9-0 US Supreme Court ruling against the state’s “buffer zones” surrounding abortion clinics, the Massachusetts Legislature enacted a new, more severe buffer zone statute. The penalty for violating the new buffer zone is a fine of up to $50,000 and incarceration of up to three years in jail.

Governor Deval Patrick (D) praised “the courage of our legislators who have stood up against judicial tyranny. The right to an abortion is a human right. Women seeking to exercise this right should not be impeded by the unwanted messages of its opponents assaulting their ears on the way to see the doctor.”

Patrick was unmoved by the prospect that the Court would also invalidate this new law. “We can pass new laws faster than any court can overturn them,” he asserted. “The ban against pro-life harassment of women will be enforced in this state and there is nothing the Courts can do about it.”


A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

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