Category Archives: John Semmens

Obama Blames Media for Perception that Islamic Terror Is a Problem

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Folder2 104Frustrated by the growing exasperation of Americans with his feckless foreign policy, President Obama told members of his inner circle of advisers that he blames the media for “creating the widespread perception that Islamic terror is a serious problem. The number of persons killed by Islamists in the United States in any given year is tiny. The number of persons killed by home-grown criminals is over 15,000 per year. Yet, wall-to-wall coverage of an isolated outbreak in Paris earlier this month has vaulted this one category of violence to the forefront.”

Even worse, the attention incites more violence by its uniformly negative characterization of attacks that many of the Muslim faith see as justifiable obedience to the commands of Islam’s prophet Mohamed,” Obama contended. “This can only serve to diminish the opportunity for compromise and peaceful resolution of our differences. Perhaps if we made a greater effort to understand the grievances that provoke these violent outbursts of religious fervor we could see a path toward a resolution.”

The President contrasted the media’s undesirable response to that of the U.S. Central Command (CENTCOM) whose reports on the Islamic State were revised to comply with the Administration’s directives. “Admittedly, we have more direct control over this government agency,” Obama agreed. “But still, on an ideological basis I would have anticipated a much broader area of conformity of world view between me and the media.”

As a result of one-sided media coverage, I see a lot of knee-jerk opposition to the claim that sharia law might be forced on the American people,” the President continued. “The premise is that such law would be bad. But is it really? In a society inundated by pornography, what would be so bad about implementing more modest clothing for our women? In this era of growing godlessness, what would be so bad about incentivizing faith by levying a tax on unbelievers and greater privileges for those who observe prescribed religious rites?”

The President then conjectured that “since Islam is the largest faith in the world its universal implementation would be compatible with our devotion to the democratic principle of majority rule. Unfortunately, the unmitigated negative treatment of jihadis by our media drives us further away from what seems to me to be the most logical solution available.”

In related news, Obama voiced the hope that “the upcoming Paris meeting on global climate might help convey a message of good will to our Islamic brothers. No one suffers more from the unrelenting global warming than the people living in the Middle East. The West’s refusal to take measures against this warming is an act of aggression toward these long-suffering people. If we can show that we are willing to cripple our economies and sacrifice our prosperity to try to alleviate this warming we will extend the olive branch of peace to our enemies.”

Candidate’s Funding Solicitation Labeled Possible “Phishing Scam”

Contender for the Democratic presidential nomination, Sen. Bernie Sanders’ (S-Vt) effort to solicit donations via an email request hit a snag when the Google gmail software identified the request as a “phishing scam.” Apparently, the Sanders’ campaign promises of “free college” and “low cost prescriptions” were classified as indicators of “possible fraud.”

Sanders’ campaign manager Jeff Weaver blamed “Google’s limited understanding of the difference between real scams and legitimate political policies. The crook’s objective is to rob the unwary individual by proffering benefits that can never be attained. Bernie’s objective is to persuade voters to elect him so he can legally confiscate the undeserved wealth of the minority in order to redistribute it to the majority. Those who support Bernie are not targeted victims, but co-participants in the transfer of money.”

Presidential rival Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) disagreed with Weaver’s “attempt to disguise the inherent fraud of socialist economics as a legitimate political policy. Inviting his supporters to participate in securing loot by offering them a share of the ill-gotten gains doesn’t magically transform theft into an ethical action. Voting to help oneself to the earnings of another is still a criminal act. Using the government as an intermediary cannot cleanse it of its immoral character.”

Democratic Presidential Rivals Court Illegal Immigrant Vote

Democratic presidential aspirant Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) vowed to readmit illegal immigrants who were previously deported if he is elected president. “The notion that persons who have committed felonies in their country of origin cannot be allowed into the United States is unAmerican,” Sanders asserted. “Many of those who came to America in the early years were individuals given the choice of emigration or execution. That same choice needs to be made available to those facing imprisonment or execution in their home countries today.”

Sanders maintained his confidence that “only a minority of the readmitted felons are likely to repeat their crimes in our country. Our social safety net will ensure that their needs are met. They will not have to commit crimes to survive. For the tiny fraction who cannot be weaned from predatory criminal behavior our healthier and wealthier population can more readily abide and recover from the robberies, rapes, assaults and murders that may occur than their more destitute victims south of the border.”

Not to be outdone, Sanders’ main rival for the 2016 Democratic presidential nomination, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, promised to outlaw the phrase “illegal immigrant” if she becomes president. “While I have mistakenly used this phrase in the past myself, I now realize that it unfairly stigmatizes those whose fervent aspiration is to come to America,” Clinton said. “But we need to go beyond the narrowly circumscribed ‘felons’ that Senator Sanders seeks to champion. Jihadis are an even more oppressed group. They aren’t merely facing local law enforcement perils. They’re being bombed are massacred by the Russians. They need to know that they can find refuge in the United States. I will provide this refuge if I am successful in next November’s election.”

Holiday Surveillance Shows Need for More Executive Action

Despite urging from a variety of left-wing luminaries, discussions in most households over the Thanksgiving holiday did not pan out as hoped. Early summations of conversations picked up from eavesdropping by “smart TVs” revealed that the vast majority leaned toward right-wing views.

The President asked Americans to talk about gun control,” Press Secretary Josh Earnest said. “They did, but the gist of the sentiment was that more people wanted to arm themselves. Likewise, conversations about immigration evinced a preference for less of it. And practically no one seemed concerned about global climate change. Obviously, American opinion is not where it should be at this stage of the President’s term.”

Given the short time left until he leaves office, the President’s only recourse is to step up the pace of executive action if we want to make progress on his key priorities,” Earnest surmised. “As Commander-in-Chief of the United States, he believes he has the legal authority to order the confiscation of unneeded firearms, to grant the admission of as many immigrants as he deems warranted, and to institute whatever climate control regulations that may be required.”

Support for autocratic presidential action was rapidly vocalized by a cadre of 24 Senate Democrats led by Sen. Richard Blumenthal (Conn). “There is no hope of obtaining Congressional approval of legislation to restrict citizens’ access to firearms,” Blumenthal lamented. “Our more cowardly colleagues cite the Second Amendment and the wrath of voters in their home states as excuses for their inaction on this sorely needed regulation.”

Blumenthal urged the President “to save the nation from the impasse of misguided allegiance to an out-dated document and then ignorant prejudices of too many voters. Off-the-record, a clear majority of Congress is with us on the merits. If you could take the heat for overriding these obstacles you would be acting in the best interests of those who have dedicated their careers to governing this nation.”

Lord’s Prayer Ad Rejected by UK Movie Theaters

A 60-second video featuring various Christians reciting the Lord’s Prayer was rejected by Digital Cinema Media (DCM). The short advertisement was produced by the Church of England and intended for airing in front of the new Star Wars movie as part of the Church’s campaign to broadcast religious values to a broader audience.

DCM spokesman Christopher Kirk cited “a clash of values” as the reason for rejecting the ad. “Anyone who has been following trends in the film industry cannot fail to note that the message contained in this prayer is at odds with the major themes of the entertainment industry,” Kirk maintained. “I mean, the ‘lead us not into temptation’ phrase in the prayer is a blanket condemnation of everything we stand for.”

Kirk made a bid to reassure movie fans that “our profitability won’t be hurt. The 60-seconds has been sold for a short tribute to ‘Woman of the Year’ Caitlyn Jenner.”

In related news, French Ambassador to the United States Gerard Araud ridiculed GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump’s assertion that if some of the French victims of the recent ISIS attack had been armed lives could have been saved, saying that “Monsieur Trump has been unduly influenced by John Wayne movies. France is not the ‘wild west.’ We would rather be shot than engage in uncivilized gun-play. It is better to die with dignity than stoop to such barbaric behavior.” An unimpressed Trump tweeted “I suppose we owe France an apology for the ‘barbaric’ American troops’ ‘gun-play’ that liberated them from the Nazis.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.


Reid and Obama Vow to Block Bill on Refugee Vetting

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnSenate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) and President Obama vowed they would block a House-passed measure to increase scrutiny of refugees from Syria and Iraq. Concern that terrorists might be hiding among those seeking to escape the war zone led to a veto-proof 289-137 bipartisan majority favoring the bill. Under the bill, the Department of Homeland Security, FBI and director of National Intelligence would have to certify a refugee posed no security threat before he or she could be admitted into the United States.

Only a tiny minority of the Syrians who come to this country are likely to be terrorists,” Obama pointed out. “The damage they might do pales in comparison to the stain on our nation’s honor that would ensue if we close our border to them. The number of people who might be killed by any terrorists we let in is small in comparison to the number of people shot in my home town of Chicago each year.”

A contrasting view of the risks was posited by Syrian Ambassador Riad Abbas who estimated that “20% of the refugees have ties to ISIS. President Obama’s characterization of these refugees as widows and orphans is far off the mark. The vast majority are unattached young men. Many have openly declared that their motivation is to take advantage of the West’s generous welfare programs. But as we have seen in Europe, many of these young men bring civil unrest and violent impulses with them. And last year, terrorists killed over 30,000 people worldwide. Perhaps the United States should exercise more caution concerning who it invites into its borders.”

Meanwhile, in Turkey eight ISIS terrorists posing as Syrian refugees were arrested. The Islamic State called the arrests “a minor setback. The infidels may congratulate themselves for striking us with this pinprick, but this cell is just the tip of a huge iceberg of more than 4,000 covert operatives that have made it into western nations hidden among refugees. This iceberg will sink their decadent societies.”

While the President promised to veto any bill that reaches his desk, Reid reassured him that “it won’t come to that. We will protect the President and filibuster the bill to prevent the Senate from voting on it. The GOP is using the fear of being murdered by terrorists to divert voters from the greater threat posed by the Republican Party’s attempt to undermine the authority of America’s duly elected ruler. No amount of bombings or shootings by terrorists could thwart President Obama’s authority to rule this country. Clearly, they are the lesser enemy.”

Attorney General Loretta Lynch, called the proposed screening “impractical and impossible. All of our resources are already committed to higher priorities. Right-wing opponents of the President’s efforts to transform the nation are a much greater danger. Their propaganda has a majority of voters thinking that ‘all lives matter’ in direct opposition to the social justice movement’s struggle to obtain recognition for the slogan ‘black lives matter.’ Now is not the time to reallocate our attention toward this so-called terrorist danger.”

In related news, the Obama Administration announced a shift in budgeted funds: cutting money to the Veterans’ Administration by $2.6 billion and boosting money to facilitate Syrian immigration by $4.5 billion. Press Secretary Josh Earnest characterized the move as “common sense. Veterans are a declining group that represents America’s past. Syrian immigrants are a rapidly breeding cohort that represents this country’s future.”

Sanders Explains Democratic Socialism

Contender for the Democratic presidential nomination Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) made an effort to define democratic socialism in a speech to Georgetown University students this week.

Unlike the socialism imposed by Lenin or Mao, democratic socialism allows voters to select who will rule over them,” Sanders said. “With the backing of the electorate, these rulers will redress the inequities stemming from inequalities that are no fault of the individual.”

Sanders asserted “the notion that a person’s hard work might entitle him to a disproportionate share of the world’s wealth is just plain wrong. A person’s ability to work hard is an inheritance that he did not earn. Likewise, a person’s inability to work hard is also an inheritance he did nothing to deserve. Democratic socialism places the well-being of the much larger number of persons unsuited to hard work ahead of the minority unfairly gifted with this ability. It uses democratic means for seizing the outputs of those with greater ability and redistributing them for the benefit of those with greater need.”

In a family, the parents distribute the benefits of food, clothing, housing, and everything else to all their children,” Sanders argued. “They don’t allow some to prosper while others are neglected. Democratic socialism merely extends the concept of family to everyone under the regime’s jurisdiction. Government assumes the role of the parent and metes out a fair share to all its children.”

Sanders acknowledged the possibility that “some of the state’s children might need to be disciplined for selfish behavior. It will be the government’s job to ascertain the abilities of all and ensure that those who are capable are assigned an appropriate share of the chores of sustaining the national family. The collective good of the whole cannot be allowed to suffer due to shirking by the capable.”

The success of my campaign will show whether America is ready for democratic socialism,” Sanders said. “My guess is that the needy outnumber the able by a considerable margin. Convincing this huge majority to vote for a system that will empower them to confiscate the surplus produced by the able is my biggest challenge.”

Paris Terror Attack Spurs Call for Gun Control

Despite the fact that France has some of the strictest gun-control laws in the world, the massacre of over 100 people in Paris by gun and bomb wielding Islamic terrorists has inspired Rep. Jan Schakowsky (D-Ill) to call for more stringent gun-control regulations in America.

I don’t mean to belittle the grief felt by so many after the tragic events in Paris, but I shudder to think how much worse it would have been if the victims had been armed,” Schakowsky said. “Bullets could have been coming from every direction. Police would have been confused over who were the perpetrators.”

If a similar attack were to take place in America it is likely that a significant number of intended victims would, due to our lax gun-control laws, be carrying concealed weapons,” Schakowsky lamented. “There would have been complete chaos. Who knows how many may have fallen victim to friendly fire.”

If we want to be a civilized society we must give up the idea of an individual right of self-defense,” the Congresswoman contended. “We must place our trust in collective-defense even if this means that in a given situation an individual may be helpless in a confrontation with an armed assailant. I don’t think it’s asking too much for our citizens to lay down their lives in pursuit of the goal of a more civilized society.”

In related news, US Secretary of State John Kerry denounced the Paris terror attack as “completely unjustified” and contrasted it with the more “legitimate murder” of the editorial staff of Charlie Hebdo earlier this year. “Killing people at a restaurant and theater was just unfocused violence,” Kerry said. “What is the message? Don’t go out to eat? Don’t attend a concert? Killing the editors at the magazine made more sense. People know what to do to stay safe—don’t mock Islam. President Obama has been urging people to not mock Islam for some time now. So, the victims at Charlie Hebdo can’t say they weren’t warned.”

California Governor Hails Transformation of State’s Economy

A report indicating that 9,000 businesses have relocated headquarters and other operating units outside of California in the last seven years was hailed by Governor Jerry Brown (D) as “encouraging news.” According to the report prepared by Joseph Vranich, a site selection consultant and president of Irvine, California-based Spectrum Location Solutions, the exiting companies experienced cost-savings of 20-35%.

Some will try to characterize this as a loss for the state, but I don’t see it that way,” Brown said. “Wage-slavery is one the greatest infringements on personal freedom in our time. By inducing 9,000 exploiters to leave we are reducing this scourge for all Californians.”

Brown suggested that Californians who lost jobs as a result of the corporate migration “will have more free time to enjoy life. Our state’s social safety net will provide a livable income for most. Others may find joining an agrarian commune a more rewarding lifestyle.”

And let’s not forget the positive environmental impacts,” Brown added. “Workers driving to jobs are major contributors to air pollution. With 9,000 fewer employers and a million fewer jobs traffic on our states roads is way down. Everyone is breathing cleaner air. That’s probably having a bigger impact on health in our state than Obamacare.”

Government Steals More than Burglars

Data for 2014—the latest year available—indicates that burglars absconded with $3.9 billion worth of victims’ property. At the same time, “civil forfeiture” made off with $4.5 billion worth.

The civil forfeiture statute was initially sold as a tool for coping with organized crime. It has morphed into crime wave in which police seize cash from individuals on the slimmest of pretexts and dare the owner to try to get it back through cumbersome and costly procedures.

A favored tactic is to assert that any cash that a person may be carrying was obtained via criminal activity. As proof, police cite the traces of cocaine that can be found on most currency. Washington DC Chief of Police Robyn Moore bragged that “this law is a godsend for police departments everywhere. We don’t have to sit back and wait for a city council to appropriate funds. We can just go out and take it from suspicious characters on the street. With the cocaine traces we have a prima facie case against the cash. It is then up to the claimant to prove that the money wasn’t involved in any illegal activities. Few are up to that task.”

A class action suit has been filed against the DC Police Department whose officers have been instructed to seize amounts of cash as small as $100. Moore remained confident that her agency would prevail in the case because “we have debit cards now. No honest person has a need for that much cash.”

Every Child Has Potential, Says Planned Parenthood

During last weekend’s Democratic debate, Planned Parenthood tweeted that “every child deserves the opportunity to live up to their God given potential.” The tweet was intended to support presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, who has been a stalwart backer of the organization.

Inasmuch as Planned Parenthood has accounted for the termination of the lives of tens of millions of children since 1973’s Roe vs. Wade Supreme Court decision, many found the tweet ironic. “Not so,” insisted President Cecile Richards. “When you look at the home environments that would have awaited the vast majority of those aborted it should be clear that a role as a parts supplier for medical research is probably the highest potential for these ill-begotten offspring. Exchanging that for a life of crime, poverty, and suffering is, I think, a net gain for humanity.”

In related news, the disclosure of an email in which Hillary Clinton confidante Huma Abedin described the former Secretary of State as “often confused” was made into lemonade by her presidential campaign manager Robby Mook. “You know, the average American is often confused,” Mook observed. “I think the voters will see Secretary Clinton as a kindred spirit.” Mook did aver that a possible downside is that “Sanders may be seen as even more confused. Hopefully, we will have enough money to overcome that obstacle.”


A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

University Students Rally for Tyranny

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThe protests at the University of Missouri that resulted in the ouster of President Tim Wolfe and Chancellor R. Bowen Loftin have reinvigorated student movements against freedom of speech across the nation.

Brenda Smith-Lezama, vice president of the Missouri Students Association, took pride in the rising groundswell of support for censorship saying “it’s about time the youth of this nation take a stand against the verbal pollution that hides behind the First Amendment. Social justice shouldn’t be thwarted by slavish devotion to the out-dated idea that everyone has the right to speak his mind regardless of the consequences.”

Smith-Lezama hailed the intimidation of student journalist Tim Tai as “an example of the will of the people triumphing over the sterile notion that the press should be free to oppose progressive values. The people have a right to decide what will be written about. So-called journalists can have no right to independently determine what will or won’t be covered if it contradicts the aims of social justice.”

At Amherst College student activists have given the administration 48 hours to comply with its list of nonnegotiable demands. Alleging that “freedom of speech is part of this nation’s historic legacy of oppression,” the activists demanded that students demonstrating for “free speech” and insulting progressives with banners proclaiming “all lives matter,” be “warned that statements offensive to social justice will not be tolerated” and that “disciplinary action against future offenders be made a school policy.”

At the University of Massachusetts, student protesters vowed “there will be no peace until all university tuition and fees are waived and outstanding student debt is canceled.” Chrissy Dasco, of the Center for Educational Policy and Advocacy, argued that “forcing students to pay for their own college education violates the Constitution’s guarantees of liberty and pursuit of happiness. A person can’t truly be free or happy if he or she is burdened with having to pay for an education. It is the government’s obligation to provide a college education to anyone who deserves it. Even the citizens of North Korea have that right.”

At Claremont McKenna College in California, Dean of Students Mary Spellman resigned in the face of a threatened hunger-strike by students alleging “lack of support for students of color.” The hunger-strikers contend that “the administration’s refusal to assign white students to do the work of minority students reneges on the responsibility of the white race to atone for the hundreds of years of slavery imposed on blacks in America. The only way for the scales of social justice to be balanced is for whites to be forced to labor on behalf of blacks, just as blacks were forced to labor on behalf of whites before the Civil War.”

President Obama praised the rising tide of student activism calling it “a vindication of my faith in the political wisdom and energy of this country’s younger generation. They are breaking free of the traditional constraints of our society and creating new realities with new rules for a new future.”

Swedish Court Rules Medical Personnel Have No Right to Opt out of Abortions

While acknowledging that the law requiring medical practitioners to conduct abortions may violate the moral objections of some individuals, a Swedish court ruled that “a citizen’s legal obligation to obey the law takes precedence over a private right of conscience.”

The case arose when nurse Ellinor Grimmark sought to be excused from assisting in abortion procedures. “I did not seek to impose my will upon the patients seeking these procedures,” Grimmark said. “I only sought to avoid complicity in this crime against the human rights of the little children.”

Judge Lief Niflheim was not entirely unsympathetic to Grimmark’s position, but averred that “membership in civil society carries the obligation to submit to its laws, heinous as they may appear from one’s personal perspective. An appeal to a so-called higher morality has no legal weight if the country’s law makers have decided otherwise. Order would devolve into chaos if every individual’s pangs of conscience had to be taken into consideration. Until such a time as the envisioned ‘higher morality’ has a mechanism to compel compliance each member of society is expected to obey the laws decreed by their government.”

Grimmark now cannot work as a nurse in Swden and has had to leave the country and find employment in Norway.

In America, Planned Parenthood president and CEO Cecile Richards defended the practice of harvesting baby parts from aborted children as “fiscally sound. Look, mothers have the legal right to terminate unwanted pregnancies. Once the termination has been effected the baby is already dead. Refusing to sell the parts won’t bring it back to life. All that blocking us from selling the parts does is deny us critical financial resources that could be used to continue and expand our services to women.”

Police Dept Nixes Fitness Tests

Yielding to a protest by 12 obese female officers, the Colorado Springs Police Department has agreed to discontinue the required annual fitness tests it had been mandating for all personnel.

Chief of Police Peter Carey defended the move as “prudent. Granted, an over-weight, out-of-shape officer might have a hard time chasing down and subduing a suspect, but realistically, that activity consumes a relatively minor share of each officer’s duties. A law enforcement officer typically spends far more time filling out paperwork,than he or she does apprehending criminals.”

If we tried to fight this thing we’d be tied up in court for who knows how long,” Carey added. “Besides, we don’t have the budget for it. The number of perps who might be caught even by the most fit officers is vanishingly small. If a few more escape because our force is too fat or weak to run them down, well, that’s a price the community will have to pay.”

Whether residents of Colorado Springs will be as blasé about the change remains to be seen. Resident Mary Jo Piccin, characterized elimination of the fitness test as “a mistake. The police need to be able to chase down criminals. Isn’t that what we pay them to do? Maybe if they just ate fewer doughnuts they could run a little bit.”

Trump Deportation Plan Blasted as “Voter Suppression” Ploy

Democratic presidential front runner Hillary Clinton blasted GOP front runner Donald Trump’s plan to deport those in the country illegally as “another absurd Republican attempt to suppress Democratic votes. If these immigrants weren’t the kind going on welfare, if they were self-supporting owners of businesses or skilled workers—in other words, likely Republican voters—he’d be singing a different tune.”

Deporting people is inhumane and un-American,” Clinton contended. “We have no practical experience with such a large and complicated operation. We do have a wealth of experience, however, with providing, food and shelter for the tens of millions who cannot provide for themselves. So, let’s do the job we know how to do. Let’s do the charitable thing and help those less well off than ourselves. If it means the taxpayers have to each work a little harder or do with a little less, well, we can afford it.”

Republican presidential candidate and Texas Senator Ted Cruz called Clinton’s position “unsustainable. There is no way America can support everyone who wants to come here to subsist on our welfare programs. The argument that opposition to the American worker becoming host to a growing influx of parasites is inhumane is bogus. The importation of more welfare recipients will ensure the collapse of our economy and the impoverishment of the vast majority of those living in the United States.”

In related news, demonstrators in Louisiana predicted starvation if Governor Bobby Jindal’s proposal to require food-assistance recipients to work a 20-hour week in exchange for receiving benefits. Louisiana Budget Project Director Jan Moller decried Jindal’s move saying “some people are just not designed for work. They’re physically, mentally, or emotionally unsuited for it. The Constitution is supposed to protect everyone’s general welfare. It doesn’t say they have to earn it by working.”

MSNBC Talking Head Questions GOP Presidential Candidates’ Ethnicity

MSNBC’s Hard Ball host Chris Matthews questioned whether GOP presidential contenders Sen. Ted Cruz (Tx) and Sen. Marco Rubio (Fla) are entitled to consider themselves Hispanic.

From what I can tell, neither of them fits the mold of a true Hispanic,” Matthews argued. “Their skin isn’t all that dark. They’re both opponents of social justice. They both insist that people ought to strive to be self-sufficient. Isn’t that some sort of Calvinist concept? They both seem to be pretty white to me.”

And then there’s Ben Carson,” Matthews went on. “Can we really be sure he’s black? When I hear him speak he doesn’t sound black. His story about being violent when he was young is, I think, an attempt to make him appear black to the unsophisticated voters. But the policies he advocates seem every bit as white as those of the rest of the GOP field.”

It isn’t right that these men can claim whatever ethnic identity they like,” Matthews maintained. “If they’re going to deviate from the mainstream thinking of leading opinion makers from the black and Hispanic communities they shouldn’t be allowed to pose as members of those ethnic groups.”

In related news, Democratic presidential hopeful, former Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley made a bid for the illegal immigrant vote by announcing he will be dining with with the Ramirez family in Austin, Texas. “Others may talk a good game, but none of them has shown the initiative to meet these immigrants face-to-face on their home turf,” O’Malley bragged. “I’m looking forward to chowing down on some homemade tacoritos, enchilupas, and Hispanic rice. Let it be shown that I am leading where my opponents fear to go.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Hillary Boasts ‘I Am Unstoppable’

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnIn an appearance on Jimmy Kimmel’s late night talk show, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton proclaimed her election next year as “inevitable. Nominally, Bernie Sanders is still in the race, but since he virtually endorsed me at the debate I think he’s seen the writing on the wall and will soon follow Webb and Chafee to the exit.”

She was even more dismissive of the Republican candidates calling them “an assortment of nuts oblivious to what it takes to govern. If we are to believe the polls, GOP voters are rejecting the one candidate who has a successful record of governing the State of Florida. Even at that, none of them have had to make the hard choice to put people in harms’ way for the good of the country. They are all neophytes with clean hands.”

So confident is the former Secretary of State that she averred that not even her husband could beat her in an election. “He would run again if he could,” Hillary said. “But he wouldn’t stand a chance in a race against me. He is a skirt-chaser in an era when the American voter is yearning for a skirt-wearer. I am that unstoppable skirt-wearer.”

Candidate Seeks to Regain Senate Seat with Promise of Higher Taxes

Convinced that Americans are grossly under taxed, former Wisconsin Senator Russ Feingold is on a crusade to regain the seat he lost to current Republican Senator Ron Johnson in 2010.

The evidence is overwhelming,” Feingold asserted. “Americans are suffering from a surfeit of income that they are squandering on purchases that are detrimental to their well-being. They are over-eating and over-drinking. They are living in single-family homes when they should be living in high-density apartments. They are driving cars when they should be riding public transit. The list of obnoxious and self-indulgent expenditures is lengthy and nauseating.”

Feingold touted his credentials as a tax-hiker during his 18-year tenure in the US Senate from 1993 to 2011 as proof he is the man to help Americans break their spending habits. “In the years I represented Wisconsin in the Senate I voted for higher taxes on nearly 300 separate occasions,” the ex-senator bragged. “Since Johnson took over he has been largely an enabler of private selfishness—resisting numerous efforts by the President and the Democratic Party to relieve taxpayers from the temptations of excessive wealth.”

According to Feingold, the need to oust Johnson in 2016 is made more urgent by his support for a Constitutional amendment that would require a two-thirds majority before tax increases could be enacted. “This is the exact opposite of what we should be doing,” Feingold insisted. “We need to get beyond the simplistic notion that the money a person earns is his to do with as he pleases. All income, all wealth ought to be the common property of all. Government, as the representative of all ought to control how money is spent. If I am elected this is what I’ll strive to do.”

PLO Assails Cruz Hearing on Terrorism

The Palestine Liberation Organization (PLO) took issue with how Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) handled a hearing on Middle East terrorism. The hearing entitled, “Justice Forsaken: How the Federal Government Fails the American Victims of Iranian and Palestinian Terrorism,” featured witnesses describing attacks by Palestinian suicide bombers against innocent victims.

PLO spokesman Haikil Juze complained that “these hearings are one-sided and biased. Contrary to the propaganda spouted by Cruz and his witnesses, Jews are not innocent. The Quran makes that clear. It is every Muslim’s sacred duty to strike down these minions of Satan wherever, whenever, and however they can.”

Juze condemned “Cruz’s failure to mention the provocations committed by the Israelis. First of all, the mere presence of Jews in lands conquered for Allah more than a thousand years ago is an intolerable affront. Second, Jewish whores parade around the streets with their faces and limbs uncovered inducing irresistible lust among innocent Muslim men. Third, the Quran expressly prohibits non-Muslims from owning weapons. Yet, Jews walk the streets with firearms in their hands, over their shoulders, or on their hips. Rage and revenge is our only honorable option. Cruz’s aim to deny us this option violates our religious freedom.”

Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest called Cruz’s efforts “unhelpful. The President, who is a great admirer of Lincoln, urged me to convey the message that if he could achieve peace in the region without harming any Jews he would do it, and if he could achieve peace by harming all the Jews he would do it; and if he could achieve peace by harming some and leaving others alone he would also do that.”

Congresswoman Urges Limits to Freedom of Speech

Incensed that Donald Trump might be permitted to host Saturday Night Live, Rep. Loretta Sanchez (D-Calif) says “the government needs to step in and prohibit the kind of racist and anti-social remarks that Trump and his ilk are inflicting on this country.”

Freedom of speech is not a privilege that we should allow people to abuse,” Sanchez opined. “Too many have died fighting for freedom of speech for us to sit by while those unworthy of the privilege pollute the airwaves with anti-government rhetoric. Disagreement that goes beyond acceptable bounds must be curtailed. Persons who cannot politely engage in convivial interactions should be restrained for the common good. It is long past time that the government establish and enforce guidelines for what is permissible and what is not.”

The danger of unrestrained free speech was recently brought home by the savage beating of an Hispanic man in Boston by a white thug who admitted that Donald Trump said it was okay,” Sanchez argued. “How many more Hispanics, Blacks, and Muslims will have to suffer before we silence inciters like Trump?”

DOJ Abolishes Term: “Juvenile Delinquent”

US Attorney General Loretta Lynch has decreed that the Department of Justice will no longer use the term “juvenile delinquent” to describe youthful lawbreakers. The new term to be used is “justice involved youth.”

Juvenile delinquent has too negative a connotation,” Lynch said. “Both words are demeaning. The word ‘juvenile’ is frequently used to convey an impression of immaturity. To call someone juvenile is, by itself, insulting. Similarly, the word ‘delinquent’ is judgmental. It communicates a message of wrongful behavior.”

The new terminology is more positive sounding,” she continued. “A justice involved youth does not stigmatize an individual. It just says that a young person is linked in some way with the justice system just like judges and attorneys are linked to the justice system. The phrase itself could be taken to mean that the youth may be an intern or aide rather than a criminal.”

Just because a young person may have broken some laws doesn’t prove he is bad,” Lynch contended. “He could have good reasons for his behavior. Maybe he comes from a broken home. Maybe he is poor. Maybe his need for what he stole is greater than that of the person he stole from. Maybe being a member of a gang is normal in his neighborhood. Maybe killing members of rival gangs or witnesses is self-defense. Maybe we need to be more understanding and not as quick to condemn behavior we don’t fully understand.”

Brown Defends Asking State Experts to Report on His Land

California Governor Jerry Brown insisted that “there’s nothing wrong with what I did.” What he did was ask employees of the California Division of Oil, Gas and Geothermal Resources—a state agency—to tell him whether there is oil on his private property.

I didn’t ask for any special treatment,” Brown asserted. “I did what any citizen of the state might have done.”

Well, I suppose that any citizen could’ve asked for the same thing,” an employee said in an “off-the-record” interview. “But we wouldn’t have prepared that citizen a 51 page report. When the Governor ‘asks’ you hop to if you want to keep your job.”

Brown contrasted “the trifling amount of money involved” with former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s performance of favors for foreign governments that made donations to the Clinton Foundation. “Bill and Hillary raked in tens of millions of dollars using the leverage she had as this county’s head diplomat. At most, the report I got cost tens of thousands. I think those of us engaged in public service—presidents, secretaries, governors, senators, etc are entitled to a few perqs considering all the sacrifices we make for those we serve.”

Billionaire Says Socialism Needed to Stem Climate Disaster

Microsoft multi-billionaire Bill Gates averred that freedom and democracy will need to be sacrificed if we are to avert climate disaster. “Left to their own devices, common people don’t see the need for action to prevent global warming,” Gates lamented. “They are too prone to place having a job, food on the table, and a comfortable home ahead of working against global warming.”

Gates advised “a top down imposition of socialism to overcome individual resistance to the measures deemed essential for taming runaway climate change. Only socialism can stifle prosperity sufficiently to achieve the reductions in human activities that contribute to warming. The elimination of conveniences like electricity, running water, and personal transportation for all but the world’s most important persons is the price our species must be willing to pay to save the planet. History has shown that socialist regimes are the most effective at attaining the type of economy required to shrink the human footprint.”

In support of his argument, Gates pointed to socialist Venezuela as a preview of what is possible. “It is in Venezuela that a pack of french fries at McDonald’s now costs $130,” Gates observed. “This will dramatically cut back consumption. No free market capitalistic system could achieve as much in so short a period of time. It is only by bringing an end to widely available and inexpensive consumer goods and services that we can save the Earth. For this socialism is essential.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Senators Question IRS Spying

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnSenate Judiciary Committee Chairman Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa) and ranking member Patrick Leahy (D-Vt) sent a letter to Treasury Secretary Jacob Lew demanding to know why the IRS is using secret cellphone tracking systems to spy on Americans.

This warrant-less eavesdropping appears to be a blatant invasion of privacy,” Grassley complained. “It’s precisely the kind of overbearing intrusiveness that our Constitution sought to prevent.”

IRS Commissioner John Koskinen admitted the spying, but justified it as “necessary. We can’t allow a claim of privacy to deter us from gathering evidence against persons harboring anti-government animus or attempting to deny us access to funds the government needs.”

Koskinen argued that the IRS “is obligated to rise above a simplistic servitude to a 200 year-old clause in a mostly out-dated document and use every bit of modern technology to carry out its mission to ensure the financial security of the government. When people know that we are watching their every move and that we have the capacity to listen in on every phone conversation they will be more compliant.”

Secretary Lew characterized the senators’ concern as “overly paranoid. We’re not talking about foreign enemies obtaining state secrets for nefarious purposes here. The IRS agents listening it on cell phone conversations are loyal employees of the federal government. As fellow members of the government the senators should know that they have nothing to fear.”

In related news, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton came out against abolishing the death penalty, averring that “there are some crimes—treason, insurrection, attacks on government officials or policies—for which the threat of this ultimate sanction is needed to deter dangerous disobedience.”

Obama to Order Troops to Syria

Despite concrete promises to never send ground troops into Syria, President Obama announced that a contingent of Special Forces would be sent to the war-torn country.

Press Secretary Josh Earnest attempted to maintain that “the President didn’t break a promise. Unforeseen circumstances have altered the realities upon which the initial ban on boots-on-the-ground was decreed. First of all, there is a new player in the game—Russia. Its intervention in Syria changes everything. Our careful plan to degrade terrorist forces is endangered by Russia’s unbridled intention to destroy them. This could upset the balance of power in the region.”

Second, the original promise was not to send combat troops,” Earnest said. “We are sending military advisers. They won’t even have any bullets. So, they cannot engage in combat. Their role will be twofold. First, they will advise moderate Muslim opponents of the Assad Government on how to fight back against the Russian invaders of their country. Second, they will serve as human shields that will help deter Russian attacks.”

Secretary of State John Kerry defended the new intervention, saying that “the Middle East today is the home of populations that are energetic, youthful, and forward-looking. It is in them that we place our faith. In my mind, no price would be too high to pay if just one Muslim life could be saved by our efforts.”

Republicans held mixed views over the decision. Sen. John McCain (R-Az) praised it as “a necessary step to fulfill our solemn obligation to the Syrian people. Russia has been our country’s primary adversary for 70 years. We cannot turn aside from confronting this latest attempt to embarrass us.” Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ken) labeled the move as “a risky venture with no obvious upside. Syria is a mess that the United States has no business jumping into. Getting more deeply involved makes no sense.”

Alabama “Teacher of the Year” Unqualified

2014-2015 Alabama Teacher of the Year and 2015 National Teacher of the Year finalist Ann Marie Corgill was judged “unqualified” to teach in Birmingham’s schools due to lack of specified state credentials. Corgill holds National Board Certification to teach children ages 7-12 and has been teaching in grades 1-6 for 21 years.

Kennita Allen, an education administrator with the Alabama Department of Education insisted that “neither demonstrated success in the classroom nor a national certification can substitute for the required state-issued certificate. Regulations are regulations. They cannot be waived for anyone no matter how competent they may have shown themselves to be.” Allen also said that “Ms. Corgill’s resignation wasn’t necessary. We would have granted her probation and given her an opportunity to take the classes she needed to earned the state certificate.”

Corgill challenged the utility and validity of the classwork demanded for state certification. “I would think that two decades of award-winning success might carry more weight than yet another layer of bureaucratic hoops that I would be compelled to jump through,” she speculated. “Skill and passion are what is needed to inspire students to learn, not more paperwork to placate the education establishment.”

In related news, the 2015 National Assessment of Educational Progress found that only 4% of Detroit public school eighth graders are proficient in math and only 7% in reading. This compared unfavorably with nationwide figures of 33% and 32%, respectively. Detroit Public Schools Superintendent Karen Ridgeway questioned the significance of the findings, declaring that “math and reading are skills no longer required in our modern society. We have computers to do the math and videos to provide a superior format for information over the written word.”

Sanders Vows End to Islamophobia

Presidential candidate Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) told voters that he will “bring an end to the Islamophobia that has stained our country. Americans’ fear of terrorism is excessive. Muslims in this country aren’t massacring people. There is no cause for anyone to be apprehensive or mistrustful toward them. Suppressing such irrational fears will be a major emphasis in my administration.”

The possibility that fear of Muslim immigrants might be warranted escaped Sanders’ purview. For example, since opening its borders to a surge of Muslim immigration, Sweden has experienced a 1400% increase in rapes and now ranks second in the world in this crime category.

The problem is that under Islamic law, Muslim women serve little more purpose than catering to their husbands’ sexual demands. The “uncovered whores,” i.e., Western women who do not comply with sharia law, are considered legitimate targets for rape by Muslim men.

The Swedish government’s approach to this problem has been to crack down on Islamophobia. Nevertheless, an unfazed Sanders reaffirmed his belief that “the Scandinavian countries provide a model we should emulate.”

NYC to Ban Smoking in Public Housing

A new ordinance sponsored by New York City Councilman Donovan Richards (D-Queens) would bar tenants of government-subsidized housing from smoking in their apartments. The rule would apply to an estimated 178,000 units controlled by the City’s Housing Authority.

Richards maintained that “as hard as it may be on some of the tenants, the measure is for their own good. The fact that a person lives in subsidized housing is a pretty good indication of a basic lack of competence to make good decisions,” he said. “Inability to support yourself imposes this burden on someone else. Whenever that someone else is the government we have the right and the duty to impose better choices on these people. Discouraging them from smoking is one of those better choices.”

The Councilman hastened to point out that “New York isn’t the only city to take such a step. Los Angeles, Phoenix and San Diego have similar prohibitions. Looking out for the welfare of the people isn’t simply a matter of giving them what they want. Sometimes we have to determine what they need and don’t need. Cigarettes are something they don’t need. It is our job to try to prevent them from indulging in this pernicious vice.”

In related news, City Council Speaker Melissa Mark-Viverito (D-Harlem) called for President Obama to bypass Congress and seize the funds needed to save Puerto Rico from bankruptcy. “That Congress would balk at spending money we don’t have for the great humanitarian purpose of rescuing Puerto Rico from the consequences of spending money they didn’t have is the height of hypocrisy,” she charged. “President Obama needs to rise above the limitations of law and do the right thing.”

French Mathematicians Question Global Climate Hysteria

A recent report authored by a team of mathematicians from the Société de Calcul Mathématique SA challenged what it concluded is “a costly and pointless crusade against a naturally variable climate. The forces driving change are huge and beyond human control. The contribution to climate change that can be traced to human activity is tiny. The measures touted to combat climate change would be both expensive and ineffectual.”

Global climate expert Al Gore denounced the report as “detrimental to our efforts to unite humanity in this crucial battle to save the planet. I’m not a math whiz, but I know if we do nothing we can’t accomplish anything. Rather than sit by while the world burns wouldn’t it be better to try everything we can?”

Gore brushed aside the fact that the planet has endured climates far warmer before the human species ever rubbed two sticks together, asserting that “just because we can’t have an effect on the major factors behind climate change doesn’t mean we shouldn’t go all out to control the minor factors. That way, whether we end up sweating or shivering we’ll know that it isn’t our fault. The value of such knowledge would be priceless.”

Gaёlle Tournié, one of the authors of the report, professed “it is difficult for me to decide whether Monsieur Gore is insane or idiotic. That he would gladly bankrupt humanity in an essentially futile endeavor to achieve a minuscule impact of doubtful success would support either assessment.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Clinton Blames Stevens for Own Death

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnIn testimony before the House Committee on Benghazi former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton laid the blame for the Benghazi debacle squarely on slain Ambassador Christopher Stevens. “He was the person on-the-ground in Libya, I was thousands of miles away,” she pointed out. “He should have taken better care of his own safety.”

Clinton brushed off evidence of several emails from Stevens expressing concerns about inadequate security for diplomatic personnel in Libya, alleging that “I never saw any of those 600 emails” and that “Ambassador Stevens didn’t even have my private email address, which, I think, shows a lack of initiative on his part.”

The former Secretary also speculated that Stevens’ emails “may have been a joke. Chris was legendary for his sense of humor. Inasmuch as he was an integral actor in a scheme to smuggle weapons through Libya and into Syria it is understandable that the Department personnel who did receive his emails on this matter may have dismissed them as just another demonstration of his rapier wit.”

As to why she didn’t support sending a rescue team in response to requests for aide during the attack, Clinton asserted that the absence of the key code word “cornhole” in the desperate messages from those under attack raised doubts as to the source of the pleas. “Without this code word we had no way of authenticating who was asking for intervention,” Clinton said. “It could have been a ruse deployed by our enemies.”

Tragic as the deaths of the four Americans killed in the raid on the Consular compound may have been to the families involved, we shouldn’t lose sight of the greater tragedy avoided by the actions we took that day and in the immediate aftermath,” she continued. “September 11, 2012 was less than two months prior to an election that would determine who would lead this country for the next four years. The dissimulation that the Administration’s enemies are so worked up about now was essential for fending off the bigger threat represented by Mitt Romney and the Republicans who sought to topple our government.”

Finally, Clinton challenged the need for further investigation, claiming that “I already took responsibility for what happened in Benghazi. That should have ended the matter. Continuing to probe into those long-ago events is an unprecedented violation of common courtesy. Once a government official acknowledges responsibility there is no need to further belabor the issue. It’s time to move on.”

Sanders Says Despotism May Be Fair Trade-off for Free Health Care

The discovery of a 1985 video in which Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) praised the “progressive” policies of Cuban dictator Fidel Castro failed to dent the candidate for the Democratic presidential nomination’s enthusiasm for socialism.

The right wing in this country likes to emphasize the bad side of the Castro regime—the suppression of dissent, the imprisonment and execution of counterrevolutionaries—but they totally ignore the benefits it provided for the common people.”

Chief among these benefits, according to Sanders, is “universal free health care. Unlike the complex and discriminatory system we have here in the United States, the Cuban system gives the same level of care to everyone free of charge. No one has to struggle with sorting out confusing options within a time-constrained ‘open enrollment’ period. All are granted the same coverage without having to lift a finger.”

While I personally can’t endorse the oppression the Castro government meted out to its opponents, let’s not lose our perspective,” Sanders added. “The persons affected by this oppression numbered in the thousands. Those affected by the free health care numbered in the millions. From the standpoint of the average Cuban I think this has to be seen as a worthwhile trade-off.”

Sanders speculated that “it is not out of the question that a similar mathematical ratio might be applicable in our country. Far more people would be benefited by a government-run universal health care system than would be hurt by the suppression of anti-government agitators. The 2016 elections will show whether voters agree with me and the other Democrats on this issue.”

In related news, citing the inadequacy of current public education, Sanders called for making college free for all. “The fact is that too many of those graduating from our high schools are functionally illiterate,” he declared. “Clearly, twelve years of schooling are not enough to prepare our children for the modern world. By making college available to all we not only grant a four-year reprieve from the cruelties of the work-a-day world, but we also introduce another layer of academic credentials for a larger share of our population.”

Pelosi Claims Pope Sides with Democrats

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) denounced renewed GOP efforts to defund Planned Parenthood and claimed to have Pope Francis on her side.

Pope Francis urged that political leaders shun dogmatic rigidity and make pragmatic compromises for the good of the whole,” Pelosi contended. The “compromise” she suggested the Pope would support would be “to allow women to preserve their health by accessing the services of organizations like Planned Parenthood and to pursue the Catholic reverence for innocent life by sustaining those who cannot support themselves.”

If you pay attention to what Jesus actually said, you’ll find numerous mention of the need to care for the poor,” Pelosi observed. “You won’t find a single word denouncing abortion. The fact is, we don’t have any documentation of God’s opposition to this medical procedure. The GOP’s attempt to insinuate some sort of anti-abortion commandment into Christian theology is pure fabrication.”

Pelosi also said “the hysteria over videos exposing the sale of aborted fetus tissue is blind to the important role these tissues can play in extending and improving the lives of those afflicted by serious medical conditions. Is ending the life of an unwanted child really too high a price to pay for extending the life or easing the suffering of those we love? I’m confident the Pope would say no.”

In related news, Planned Parenthood spokesperson Sari Stevens maintained that “the refusal of the major media outlets to cover the Center for Medical Progress videos vindicates our contention that these videos are an unreliable source of information on a very complex topic. Rather than being given an opportunity to confront our accusers, Planned Parenthood employees were ambushed by undercover operatives covertly taping private conversations. The media’s rejection of this so-called evidence validates its illegitimacy.”

Democrats Block Vote on “Kate’s Law”

Senate Democrats filibustered a vote on a law that would have increased penalties for dangerous illegal immigrants. The measure nick-named “Kate’s law” after Kate Steinle—a murder victim of a violent illegal immigrant—was torpedoed when a cloture vote failed to garner the necessary 60 votes.

Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) condemned the Democrats “for choosing to stand with convicted felons like the murderer of Kate Steinle rather than with the American people.”

Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) characterized the measure as “profoundly undemocratic. The victims of crimes committed by those in the country illegally are a tiny minority that is vastly outnumbered by the undocumented population of this country who are denied the right to vote for who shall govern them. We cannot allow the interests of the lesser number to trump the interests of the greater number.”

In related news, Reid vowed to similarly block a GOP effort to impose penalties on so-called “sanctuary cities” that eschew compliance with federal law mandating the deportation of illegal aliens convicted of felonies. “To deny these cities access to federal aid is an attempt to use extortion to induce them to comply with laws with which they disagree,” Reid complained. “This is as blatant a tyranny as I have ever seen.”

The Senator sought to differentiate this proposed law from a plethora of measures attaching conditions for receiving federal aid, saying that “using financial incentives to prompt states and cities to comply with warranted federal guidelines and preferences is an entirely different thing. If policies and programs are good there is nothing wrong with deploying coercive sanctions to ensure obedience.”

Kerry Urges Israelis to “Take the High Road”

US Secretary of State John Kerry implored Israeli civilians to refrain from shooting knife-wielding Palestinian assassins. “I know from an individual perspective the temptation to save one’s own life by deploying superior firepower is hard to resist, but the bigger picture needs to be considered,” Kerry argued.

The whole world was sympathetic when the suffering of the Jews under the Nazis was revealed after World War II,” the Secretary said. “Their status as unadulterated victims won them virtually universal respect and empathy. The Jews in Israel are endangering that universal respect and empathy by outgunning their attackers.”

Kerry maintained that “losing the status of helpless victim could have incalculable costs over the long run. Already, we have seen sympathy shifting toward the Palestinians slain by the Israelis’ extreme self-defense measures. The few Jewish lives saved by these measures don’t strike me as a worthwhile gain in a broader historical context.”

In a similar vein, Kerry also condemned British Prime Minister David Cameron’s new “Counter-Extremism Strategy,” calling it “a dangerous escalation. It’s certainly unfortunate that Islamic extremists are inculcating hatred toward non-Muslims, but trying to counter this by characterizing it as hateful puts the British government down in the gutter with those it is trying to distinguish itself from. I think people will find this confusing. I find it confusing. We in the West ought to set a better example.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.


Germany Struggles to Make Immigrants Feel Welcome

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnGermany is taking some extraordinary steps to try to accommodate an estimated 1.5 million Muslim immigrants that will enter the country this year.

In a number of locations German students have been assigned to perform domestic chores—including doing laundry, preparing meals and cleaning up after the immigrants. These tasks have been made more arduous and risky by the obnoxious behavior of some of the beneficiaries, which includes throwing their trash out the windows of the apartments provided for them and raping the females entering the premises to clean..

Inhabitants of small towns being inundated by swarms of migrants have been advised by the German government to move if they don’t like it. Refugee Coordinator Detlef Placzek waved off any possible objections, blithely asserting that “the decision to welcome these people comes from the highest level. It is every German’s duty to obey the decrees ordered by their government.”

Twenty migrants have shown their “gratitude” by filing a lawsuit. Abu Sirh, spokesman for the litigants, complained that “the Berlin State Office for Health and Social Affairs has been too slow in delivering the expected bundle of welfare benefits. To make us wait more than a week before receiving what we came so far to get is intolerable. We are Allah’s chosen people. It is the kafirs‘ obligation to serve us.”

Sirh blamed the delay in the distribution of benefits for a spate of prostitution among the daughters and wives of some of the migrants. “Without the benefits promised to us, many men have been forced to rent out their daughters and wives to get money to buy cigarettes and other necessities,” Sirh charged.

In a bizarre bid to placate these religious fanatics, the German government has lifted the ban on the publication of Hitler’s anti-semitic screed Mein Kampf. Spokesman for the Merkel government Heine Douchefangen asked his countrymen “to be more accepting of the culture of the newcomers. This book is a perennial best seller in the places the immigrants come from. Making it available in our book stores will help them feel more at home.”

In related news, Minnesota Governor Mark Dayton labeled residents who questioned his decision to invite thousands of Muslim immigrants to the state racists and suggested they should move out. “That terrorists might be hiding with the immigrant community is a risk I’m willing to take,” Dayton said. “We can’t yank away America’s historic ‘welcome mat’ out of exaggerated fear. The number of Minnesotans who might be harmed is small compared to sustaining the bigger principle of open-borders.”

US State Dept Slams Israel’s Disproportionate Response to Palestinian Attacks

Palestinian terrorists have launched a series of knife-wielding assassins upon innocent Israeli citizens. So far eight Jews have been killed and more injured. A few of the assassins have been shot for their efforts. State Department spokesman John Kirby criticized the shootings, calling them “disproportionate responses that can only escalate the terror.”

Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Tex) called Kirby’s remarks “idiotic and unacceptable” and demanded that Secretary John Kerry disavow Kirby’s comments. “The fact that some of the intended victims of these ambushes had the foresight to arm themselves ahead of time and were prepared to defend themselves against unprovoked attacks is not an escalation,” Cruz argued. “It is the kind of prudent measure that cautious individuals take. The presence of armed bodyguards is the first line of defense for public figures like Secretary Kerry.”

Shooting down a would-be assassin doesn’t escalate terror,” Cruz added. “It deters it. If more innocent victims were armed, terrorists would be less apt to strike. This is the whole philosophy behind the President’s Secret Service protection and our country’s Armed Forces. For the State Department to criticize Israelis for imitating what we do is hypocritical nonsense.”

Kerry declined to criticize his subordinate. Instead, he claimed that “Senator Cruz’s siding with Israel and against his own country’s Department of State confirms his disloyalty to the President and his government. If President Obama weren’t so magnanimous and merciful Sen. Cruz would have cause to really rue his remarks.”

In support of Kirby’s escalation claim, Kerry cited an incident where over a hundred Palestinians set fire to Joseph’s Tomb in the West Bank town of Nablus. “This site honoring a Biblical hero of the Jews that stood for thousands of years was destroyed in retaliation for Israelis disproportionate responses to the knife attacks,” Kerry intoned. “I think that validates Mr. Kirby’s analysis of the situation.”

Obama Rebuffs FBI over Clinton Emails

President Obama’s dismissal of security concerns about former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s unsecured personal email has rankled the FBI. “For the President to flatly say that these unsecured emails posed no security problem is a judgment rendered in the absence of facts,” complained an FBI official requesting anonymity. “Clearly, the matter merits an investigation as to whether any damage might have been done.”

Irked that an agency under the Executive branch would contradict him, Obama reminded everyone that “I am the nation’s chief enforcer of the law. If I don’t think there is anything to prosecute on an issue it is insubordination for anyone within the government to contest my determination.”

The fact of the matter is that I can order a halt to any investigation carried out by any agency of the federal government,” the President boasted. “I can pardon anyone convicted by any prosecution that is conducted by any judicial body in the country. Likewise, I can order any agency under my control to prosecute anyone on any charge I deem warranted. And if prosecution is unworkable I can order the execution of any person that poses a threat to this country or its government.”

New DOJ Unit to Focus on Eradicating “Anti-Government Views”

This week the US Department of Justice announced the formation of a new “enforcement unit” to combat domestic terrorism. According to Assistant Attorney General John Carlin, “the focus of this new agency will be the eradication of anti-government views, racism, bigotry and anarchy, and other despicable beliefs.”

While the media has been sensationalizing the so-called threat from Islamic terrorists, it is the Administration’s view that domestic right-wing political groups pose a much more insidious danger,” Carlin contended. “With the public’s attention diverted to distant shores, home-grown opponents of our government have been free to work on their evil plans undisturbed. This new unit will home in on these groups and exterminate them.”

Evidence of the pervasiveness of the right-wing threat cited by Carlin included “the disproportionate representation of minorities among America’s prison population, arrests, and confrontations with law-enforcement personnel. The pattern suggests that domestic terrorists have successfully infiltrated police departments, prosecutors’ offices, and state legislatures. Rooting them out will require effort, determination, and in many cases, extreme measures.”

Carlin urged citizens to help support the Administration new push by reporting likely suspects to the new agency. “Key ‘red flags’ for incipient enemies include assertions that current government policies may be unconstitutional, that the President is a tyrant, or that citizens ought to obtain firearms,” Carlin said. “Anyone who suspects neighbors, fellow employees, or even strangers of harboring such opinions has a moral and legal obligation to report this behavior to federal authorities. Anonymous ‘tip lines’ will be provided for this purpose.”

Dem Candidates Promise New Freedom

This week’s debate among Democrats vying for their Party’s presidential nomination inspired a bidding war as to which of them could promise more “free stuff” to voters.

Sen Bernie Sanders (Vt) vowed to eliminate the need for money. “Too many people are barred from having what they want by the fact that they lack the money to purchase it,” Sanders lamented. “Billionaires like Donald Trump never have to face such deprivation. Why should poorer Americans be denied the same rights? When I’m president all merchandise will be free.”

Rival candidate Hillary Clinton averred that “while I agree with Senator Sanders in principle, I’m not sure doing away with money is feasible. I believe a more practical approach would be for the government to simply provide money to those who need it. That way we can maintain the traditional mechanisms of our society. Whether this money is confiscated from the rich or whether it is created by the Federal Reserve is a question to be answered by experts at a later date.”

Former Maryland Gov. Martin O’Malley insisted that he “would have come up with a similarly brilliant idea if I had gotten the chance to speak first. Since I wasn’t given that opportunity I’m stuck with saying ‘me too.’”

Former Rhode Island Gov. Lincoln Chafee pointed out that “unlike any of the other candidates in either Party, I am named after Abraham Lincoln—the Great Emancipator. I think this establishes a modicum of credibility that I could achieve the emancipation of wage-slavery that the American people really need.”

Former Virginia Sen. Jim Webb was widely booed by the audience when he admitted that “I don’t have the facts and figures to refute what everyone else is saying, but it makes me a bit uneasy. Is it really possible to give everyone everything he wants without him having to lift a finger?”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Christian Refugees to Be Deported

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThe Obama Administration has decided that Christian refugees from areas occupied by the Islamic State will be deported back to the war zone. Meanwhile, tens of thousands of Muslims fleeing the region will be given transportation to America and allowed to stay.

While not denying that these Christians are likely to face great peril, US Secretary of State John Kerry justified the policy, calling it “consistent with the President’s vision for the region. The religious composition of both the Middle East and the United States is unbalanced. In the Middle East Christians are in short supply, while in the United States they are over represented. Allowing more Christians into the US will only exacerbate this imbalance. On the other hand, Muslims are under represented in the US. So admitting more of them will work toward a more equitable distribution of members of this faith.”

It’s not as if these Christians are blameless,” Kerry pointed out. “They refused to join the anti-Assad movement on the purely selfish grounds that his secular dictatorship offered them some measure of protection against the Muslim majority. Such anti-democratic sentiments do not deserve our sympathy.”

Kerry called the persecution of Christians in Muslim lands “unfortunate,” but averred that “we mustn’t let our empathy for their suffering countermand our greater obligation to support majority rule. It it the majority’s right to establish whatever form of government it wants. If this is a ‘caliphate,’ so be it. If this means enforcement of sharia law that is their right. We have no authority to impose liberal values of tolerance and freedom on them.”

In related news, Kerry expressed his disappointment upon learning that this year’s Nobel Prize for Peace was awarded to a coalition of labor unions, businesses, lawyers and human rights activists for building a pluralistic democracy in Tunisia in the wake of the Jasmine Revolution of 2011. “I don’t want to totally discount their achievement, but the impacts are highly localized,” Kerry contended. “In contrast, the agreement I negotiated with Iran has a broader impact for peace in our time. In a just world I would have won this award.”

Obama to Use Executive Authority to Enact Gun Control

Administration insiders are hinting that President Obama has become impatient with Congressional inaction on gun control legislation in the wake of a rash of mass murder shootings and will bypass that body and enact new controls based on his own authority. The gist of his decree is said to require dealers who sell more than 50 guns a year to obtain a license from the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives and do extensive background checks on persons who want to purchase weapons from them.

Though he declined to specifically acknowledge the rumor, Press Secretary Josh Earnest attempted to make the case for executive action, saying that “it is clear to everyone with an ounce of humanity that something has got to be done. We can’t let slavish adherence to a 200-year-old Amendment block needed reform. If Congress won’t act than it seems morally imperative that the President step into the breach and disarm would-be murderers.”

Whether the Administration’s proposed action would be effective remains doubtful. In the recent killings in Oregon the shooter obtained his weapons after passing a background check, as did the shooters in most recent other high-profile massacres.

Earnest granted that “we may not be able to stop every lunatic, but if we can stop even one, that’s a gain for public safety.” The Press Secretary brushed aside approaches that would arm more law-abiding citizens as “a direction that is at odds with the President’s view of the world. The notion that arming the supposed ‘good guys’ is a civilized way to deter the supposed ‘bad guys’ is insane. We’re not living in a John Wayne movie. It’s not always easy to tell the ‘good guys’ from the ‘bad guys.’ And there is certainly no proof that the ‘good guys’ will shoot straighter than the ‘bad guys.’ Reducing the quantity of weapons out there is our best bet.”

Twenty-seven Democratic Senators surrounded by armed guards on the Capitol steps endorsed Obama’s usurpation of the legislative power. New York Sen. Charles Schumer called executive action “the only option we have left if we hope to overcome the gun lobby’s influence on Congress. The people of America demand action. It is incumbent on the President to take action irrespective of any Constitutional or legal impediments.”

In related news, President Obama rejected the request of the citizens of Rosenberg, Oregon—site of the murder of Christian students at Umpqua Community College last week—that he not use the tragedy for political grandstanding. Press Secretary Josh Earnest argued that “the wishes of a tiny minority of the aggrieved inhabitants of this rural backwater cannot supersede the prerogative of the world’s most powerful leader to exploit this opportunity to press for a more rational gun control policy.”

Candidates Call for More Regulation of Wall Street

In a bid to outflank her socialist rival contender for the Democratic presidential nomination, Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton called for more stringent government regulation of big businesses. Under her proposed policy, the federal government would order firms that were “too large and too risky to be managed effectively to reorganize, downsize, or break apart.”

That the federal government, which has not been managed effectively for many decades would possess the necessary expertise to assess the effectiveness of diverse business operations might seem dubious. Nevertheless, Clinton maintained that “the government has the right and the obligation to oversee how the nation’s collective wealth is managed. Stewardship over corporate assets is a privilege that can be revoked if it it misused or abused. Our government is a government of, by, and for the people. Any institution or organization within our society that does not serve the people, as determined by their elected officials, can be altered or abolished.”

Not to be outdone, Sanders characterized Clinton as a “faux socialist. She talks a good game on the campaign trail, but her record has been one of selling influence to the highest bidder. Why else would Wall Street be among the biggest donors to her candidacy and to her money-laundering Clinton Foundation? I will expropriate these corporate parasites and ensure that the government runs them for the benefit of all.”

Evidence from Clinton’s unsecured private email account would seem to bolster Sanders’ claim. As it turns out, Clinton’s Department of State subordinate Cheryl Mills appears to have illegally passed classified information to the Clinton Foundation in order to assist its fund-raising activities among foreign governments.

In related news, Clinton told a campaign audience that the jailing of Kentucky Clerk Kim Davis for refusing to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples was “absolutely the right thing. No one has the right to resist the lawful decisions of the government. Anyone who does should expect to be punished for such disobedience.”

Dems Demand Apology to Planned Parenthood

Reps. Chris Van Hollen (D-Md), Rosa DeLauro (D-Conn), and Louise Slaughter (D-NY) issued a letter demanding that House Republicans apologize to Planned Parenthood President Cecile Richards for their “shameful treatment of her during the committee’s hearing investigating the organization last week.”

The letter characterized the questioning of Ms. Richards “four hours of pure torture” and contended that “it is as clear a violation of the Constitution’s prohibition of cruel and unusual punishment that we have ever witnessed. The injustice of it all was egregious. Terminating pregnancies is not a crime. Selling recovered tissue is not a crime. Yet, Ms, Richards was grilled as if she were a common criminal.”

The letter also condemned the Center for Medical Progress videos that sparked the Congressional investigation as “a deceptive entrapment scheme. The representatives from this organization posed as legitimate tissue purchasers in order to lure Planned Parenthood personnel into making unguarded statements that many would interpret as callous and greedy. Such underhanded tactics merit our disgust and revulsion. We should not condone this kind of behavior. To reward it by conducting a witch hunt will only encourage more of it.”

Chairman of the Oversight Committee, Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-Utah) defended the hearings and said “the four hours of questioning Ms. Richards faced was mild in comparison with the dismemberment inflicted on the unborn at the hands of Planned Parenthood. I am far more disgusted by the murder of children and the selling of their bodies than I am that this heinous organization was caught on video admitting these atrocities. I will not apologize for shining a light on this holocaust.”

Discovery of Error Sparks Demand for Censorship

An Australian electrical engineer named Dr David Evans discovered a mathematical error in the model used to predict global warming that exaggerated the impact of carbon dioxide 10-fold. Basically, the effects of CO2 on climate are far lower than has been assumed.

While most reasonable people would find this reassuring, Philippe Sands QC, an international law specialist and Professor of Law at University College London, did not. Alleging that “the publicity given to Dr. Evans’ finding could seriously undermine efforts to mitigate climate change,” Sands argued for “the suppression of contradictory evidence and arguments that might thwart action.”

In theory, freedom of speech is a good thing,” Sands opined. “But when the fate of the planet is at stake it is a luxury humanity cannot afford.” Sands said he “would not be opposed to imprisoning climate change opponents under some circumstances.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

ACLU Sues Catholic Hospitals

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnCatholic hospitals’ refusal to perform birth control services that run counter to the Church’s beliefs came under fire from the American Civil Liberties Union this week as it launched a lawsuit aimed at compelling these institutions to comply with federal policy on this subject.

We’re taking a stand today to fight for pregnant women who are denied potentially life-saving care because doctors are forced to follow religious directives rather than best medical practices,” Brooke Tucker, an ACLU attorney, said. “That the Catholic Church considers abortion and sterilization intrinsically evil must not be allowed to grant them an exemption from abiding by rules laid down by the Affordable Care Act.”

Tucker dismissed First Amendment objections to the federal rules as “misguided. The First Amendment’s guarantee of religious freedom pertains to worship. The Catholic Church’s freedom to conduct religious activities is not at issue here. What is impermissible is for the Church to impose its beliefs in the field of medical services. A person seeking medical care has a right to all the benefits and procedures guaranteed by law. Every hospital must adhere to that law. If the Church cannot follow the law it should get out of the business of operating hospitals.”

In related news, claiming he is acting to implement the wishes of Pope Francis, Rep. Luis Gutiérrez (D-Ill) has introduced legislation that would guarantee Obamacare to all undocumented immigrants. “The Pope made it clear that it is our moral obligation to ensure that everyone, no matter where they were born, has a right to medical care,” the Congressman declared. In contrast, Gutierrez denied that his support of women’s abortion rights conflicted with the Pope’s position against this practice saying that, “if there is a conflict between the rights of a woman and the rights of the unborn, the woman’s rights take precedence.”

Kerry, Power Join Muslim Boycott of Netanyahu’s UN Speech

U.S. Secretary of State Kerry and the U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations Samantha Power joined representatives of Muslim nations who walked out on Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s speech. In his speech Netanyahu chastised the UN for its continued silence in the face of Iran’s repeated threat to wipe Israel off the map.

The Secretary characterized his actions as “simple common sense once you look at the numbers. Israel itself has about six million Jews. Worldwide there are maybe another six million. On the other hand, there are over a billion Muslims. Siding with the larger contingent is both the more prudent and democratic option.”

Ambassador Power seconded Kerry’s remarks and added “while it is understandable that the Israeli Prime Minister would get worked up over the prospect of his country being wiped off the map, from a broader perspective it is not such a big issue. Israel was wiped off the map by the Romans nearly 2,000 years ago and the rest of the world got along without it until 1948. So, in that sense, the world obviously doesn’t need to fret over whether the region is called Israel, Palestine, or something else.”

Iran’s Permanent Representative to the UN, Gholamali Khoshroo, praised Ambassador Power’s “incisive depiction of both the current and historical realities” and ventured that “it is a good harbinger of the benefits to be achieved through the continued cooperation between our two nations.”

Consensus for War with Russia Building

Russian intervention against opponents of the Assad government in Syria appears to have sparked a rising tide of bipartisan support for US countermeasures. Initially, Republican presidential candidate Carly Fiorina called for the US to resist the Russian initiative by force if necessary.

Determined not to be outflanked, Democratic presidential contender, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton echoed Fiorina by urging President Obama to establish a “no fly zone” over the rebel positions in order “to protect our investment in the anti-Assad rebels.”

Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) reminded everyone that “I’m the only one who has met with these rebels. Though by our standards they may not be good people, they are fighting for freedom as they see it.” McCain argued for “a subtler approach. Rather than an overt ‘no fly zone’ why don’t we just arm the rebels with Stinger missiles they could use to shoot down the Russian jets that are bombing them?”

In Congress, Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-Calif), the projected favorite to succeed Rep. John Boehner (R-Ohio) as Speaker of the House, endorsed the idea that “we’ve got to do something to counter the Russian intervention. For us to sit by idly while the President’s carefully crafted Middle East policy is disrupted will do incalculable damage to our nation’s credibility as the world’s leading superpower.”

Thus far, the only high-profile objection to going to war with Russia has come from GOP presidential contender Donald Trump who has suggested that “the Russians bombing the Islamic barbarians doesn’t seem so bad. To me, Putin seems the lesser evil. I can’t see fighting him to save fanatics who would behead you if they could.”

In related news, Jürgen Todenhöfer, a German journalist who spent 10 days living behind ISIS lines in Syria, reports that “the terrorists are eager to carry out the largest religious cleansing operation in human history. If they get their hands on nuclear weapons they will have no hesitation in using them to unleash a nuclear tsunami against the West. This is no ‘JV’ team. They are dangerous and determined.”

NYC Honors Rosenburgs

The New York City Council took the occasion of the 100th anniversary of the birth of Ethel Rosenburg to honor her and her husband Julius for demonstrating “great bravery.” The Rosenburgs were executed for treason in 1953 after they were convicted of passing atom bomb secrets to the Soviet Union.

Councilman Daniel Dromm (D-Queens) averred that “it took a lot of courage for the Rosenburgs to buck the anti-communist hysteria that was sweeping the nation during the post war period. From a parochial perspective, sharing the atom bomb appears traitorous. But from a more ecumenical standpoint it can be seen as an effort to establish a balance of power between reactionary and progressive forces.”

An American monopoly in nuclear weapons would have allowed the promulgation of reactionary social policies around the world to go unchecked,” Dromm maintained. “By assisting Stalin to obtain equivalent weapons the Rosenburgs helped to counter this US dominance. And as we can see today, history has vindicated their action. It’s time that their sacrifice gains a measure of well-deserved recognition.”

Planned Parenthood Denies Possibility of Abortion Survivors

Planned Parenthood’s chief executive officer Cecile Richards told Congressional investigators that she had never heard of such a thing as an “abortion survivor,” calling the concept “totally nonsensical.”

When a woman comes to us to terminate her pregnancy it would be a gross dereliction of duty if we were to permit a fetus to survive the procedure,” she said. “We take every conceivable precaution to ensure that this doesn’t happen.”

One precaution that Richards touted as fool proof was the harvesting of organs from the fetus. “Once the fetus has been dismembered and the organs extracted there is no chance of survival,” Richards pointed out. “So, in this regard, I think the videos made by the Center for Medical Progress would tend to confirm what I’m saying.”

The existence of apparent abortion survivors like Gianna Jessen didn’t faze Richards as she observed that “Ms. Jessen’s mother was not a patient at one of our facilities. I would argue that if the abortion were performed properly, as it would have been at Planned Parenthood, Gianna wouldn’t be going around today trying to undo the hard-won rights of women in America.”

Richards also argued that “we wouldn’t be earning over $400 million a year from abortions if we didn’t do a quality job. And an outcome in which the fetus isn’t terminated is not a quality job, in my opinion.”

U.S. to Close Last Uranium Plant

The Obama Administration has ordered the last remaining uranium processing facility in the United States to be closed. The final day of operations for the American Centrifuge project in Piketon, Ohio was September 30th.

Rep. Brad Wenstrup (R-Ohio) was aghast. “This is beyond belief,” he asserted. “While this administration is green-lighting uranium enrichment in Iran and legitimizing 6,000 Iranian centrifuges, they’re shutting down our only domestic production facility here in America.”

Secretary of State John Kerry belittled Wenstrup’s concern. “There are uranium processing facilities in Russia, France, the United Kingdom, Germany, and Holland,” Kerry said. “If we need any we could always buy it from one of these other sites.”

What the Congressman is overlooking is mollifying effect this closure will have on Iran and the world,” the Secretary added. “The urge of others to get into the nuclear arms racket has got to be dampened by our example. If we are winding down our program others may feel less threatened and may similarly turn away from such weapons.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.


Boehner Resignation Unleashes Cascade of Caterwauling

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnHouse Speaker John Boehner’s (R-Ohio) announcement that he is resigning from Congress effective October 30th was followed by a torrent of tears in Washington. Leading the sob fest, of course, was Boehner himself who lamented that “the blood, sweat, and tears I’ve shed for this country have gone unappreciated for too long.”

As if to contradict Boehner’s lament, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) praised “Boehner’s cooperative approach to getting things done,” and expressed the hope that “a similarly motivated and compliant successor can be found.”

A glum Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest called the resignation “a serious setback for the President’s agenda. Though President Obama had his differences with the Speaker both shared a respect for the importance of governance, of keeping the doors open and the funds flowing to the nation’s multitude of clients.”

President Obama himself was a little less pessimistic, saying that “Boehner will still hold the Speaker’s gavel for another five weeks. He has been our ‘ace-in-the-hole’ for more than four years. Now that he has nothing to fear from the Tea Party wing of his party there’s an opportunity to enact some of the reforms that these right-wing extremists have been blackmailing him to oppose.”

One of the reforms Obama said he hopes can be enacted before October 30th is “for Congress to delegate appropriation authority to the Executive branch. While I have been able to use executive orders to achieve some of the goals we all share, the threat still remains that this good work can be impeded by Congressional refusal to appropriate the necessary money. If the power to appropriate funds were delegated to the president the enlightened vision of the nation’s true ruler couldn’t be blocked by Congressional squabbling.”

Boehner promised “to do my best to live up to the president’s confidence in me,” but also pointed out that “a delegation of appropriation authority to the Executive branch would require the consent of the Senate. I can certainly work out a deal with Nancy in the House, but I can’t speak for the other chamber.”

It is rumored that Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ken) is working on a bill modeled after the Corker-Cardin legislation that proved instrumental in aiding the success of the president’s Iran deal. Under McConnell’s bill Congress would be given 30 days to reject any appropriation made by the president and if the president vetoed a Congressional act rejecting an appropriation, Congress could override the veto with a two-thirds majority.

US Has Plenty of Room for Muslim Refugees, Says Albright

Former Clinton Administration Secretary of State Madeleine Albright says the United States has plenty of vacant space that could be productively allocated to refugees from the Middle East.

Even the most casual glance at the vast swaths of unoccupied space inside this country shows that we have no valid excuse for denying entry to those displaced by unrest in their native countries,” Albright declared. “Take the wide-open lands of the state of Nevada as an example. Here is a climate that approximates that of the nations the refugees are fleeing. Why not set aside this state as a sort of reservation for Muslim immigrants?”

Albright urged citizens to demand that “Congress adopt this or some other set aside location. The refugee crisis will only get worse if we don’t provide a secure refuge for these people. Once ensconced in some of America’s vacant space they could replicate their culture, elect their own people to Congress, and help reaffirm America’s commitment to succor and diversity.”

Free Stuff” Gaffe Said to Doom Bush’s Candidacy

Republican presidential candidate former Florida Governor Jeb Bush faced a firestorm of criticism from the welfare lobby for asserting that his message of opportunity would win more Black votes than Democrats’ promises of more “free stuff.”

Democratic presidential race front runner former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton gloated over what she maintained “effectively ends his run for the nation’s top job. Bush’s pledge to preserve people’s opportunity to work their way up the ladder offers them nothing they couldn’t get on their own. What we offer is something in addition to what people can earn for themselves. Democrats are the Party that guarantees that the government will take care of everyone. Republicans are the Party that would force everyone get a job and support themselves.”

Not to be outdone by his presidential rival, Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders promised to “carve up the capitalist turkey and dish out shares to everyone. Why should the masses restrain themselves from expropriating the bourgeoisie? We have the numbers and, therefore, the power to vote for the redistribution of the nation’s wealth. We have only ourselves to blame if we fail to exercise that power.”

Sanders sought to distinguish himself from his “intellectual mentor” Vladimir Lenin by eschewing the prescribed “liquidation” of the capitalist class. “I am a peaceful man,” Sanders proclaimed. “Stripped of their property, the capitalist oppressors would be powerless. My more humane approach would allow them to take their place at the back of the line and receive their fair share of the redistributed wealth.”

Afghan Sex Slaves “Internal Matter,” Says Administration

Reports that US military personnel in Afghanistan have been ordered to ignore Afghan troops’ “bachi bazi”—the ritual kidnapping, imprisonment and rape of child sex slaves was defended by the Obama Administration as “a necessary compromise in the war on terror.”

The practice of holding and abusing under-aged boys as sex slaves is an ancient tradition in Afghanistan,” US Secretary of Defense Ashton Carter observed. “It is not our place to interfere.”

The Secretary drew a parallel with this country’s alliance with the Soviet Union during World War II. “The Soviet Union was an oppressive tyranny run by a paranoid psychopath,” Carter recounted. “Millions were sent to the gulag for trivial or non-existent offenses. Thousands were executed for imaginary crimes. By any measure, this was far worse than the rape of a few hundred little boys by our Afghan allies.”

Abiding Stalin’s lesser evil in order to gain his nation’s help in fighting Hitler’s greater evil was a necessary strategic decision,” Carter contended. “Likewise, abiding the peculiar cultural practices of our Afghan allies in the war against the Taliban terrorists is a price we must be willing to pay. The squeamishness of our troops cannot be permitted to interfere with our broader strategic objectives in the region.”

Carter justified the dismissal of Sgt. Charles Martland from the Army for his actions calling attention to the child rapes. “Our troops in the region have their orders,” Carter said. “By raising an unapproved alarm over the Afghan Army’s behavior, Sgt Martland disobeyed those orders. Discipline is a fundamental component of military cohesion. Just as US troops were ordered to ignore Soviet troops’ rape of German women in the closing days of WWII, Martland was ordered to ignore the Afghan troops’ rapes. Discharging him was our only option.”

Rep. Duncan Hunter (R-Calif) labeled this “strategic compromise ‘pathetic.’ We shouldn’t be repeating history’s past mistakes. Making the world safe for pedophiles is not a cause worthy of one drop of an American soldier’s blood. We should either stand for human freedom or withdraw from this fight.”

In related news, Carter denounced Russia’s intervention in Syria saying that “sending troops to battle ISIL in the region conflicts with President Obama’s more nuanced approach. Russia’s decision to just kill the Islamic State fighters contradicts the President’s efforts to assist these forces to help overthrow the Assad dictatorship.”

School District Bans “Tag”

The Mercer Island School District in the State of Washington has barred students from playing the game of “tag” on school grounds or within eyesight of school personnel. Communications director Macy Grade described the ban as “an essential step to ensure the physical and emotional safety of all students.”

In the game of “tag,” one child is designated as “it” until he or she can tag/touch another child and pass along the “it” status. Grade characterized the game as “potentially devastating to children’s self-esteem. First of all, the person who is ‘it’ is isolated and stigmatized. Second, all the other participants are traumatized by the risk of becoming ‘it’ unless they can successfully flee. Third, the chasing and fleeing exposes the children to potential injuries from falls or collisions.”

The decree banning the game followed the school districts unsuccessful attempt to revise the rules. Grade explained, “instead of one child being singled out as ‘it’ we tried to encourage the children to play a game of ‘us’ in which every participant is designated as ‘special’ so no one has to chase or flee. But the new game didn’t catch on. The children called it ‘boring’ and continued to engage in the dangerous, traditional version of the game.”

The district also sent a letter home with each student asking parents to help police the ban during non-school hours. “We can’t afford to let our best efforts to eradicate this scourge of childhood be undermined by the unsupervised play of youngsters when they are not on school grounds,” Grade said. “It is important that parents be on board and help prevent the harm this activity can wreak.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.