Category Archives: John Semmens

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

President Barack Obama waded into the controversy sparked by Sandra Fluke’s testimony before a congressional committee hearing on the mandate requiring all insurers to provide reproductive services—including birth control pills, condoms, and abortafacients—free of charge. At issue is Fluke’s contention that she shouldn’t be forced to pay for these services out of her own pocket.

Radio commentator Rush Limbaugh lampooned Fluke’s claim that she couldn’t afford to pay. “Ms. Fluke makes no case that her participation in sexual activity is involuntary,” Limbaugh said. “Her need for birth control or an abortion is within her sphere of discretion. She seems to be saying that taxpayers, employers, or insurers—anyone besides herself—must be compelled to finance her recreational sex.”

President Obama responded, saying, “I am appalled by Limbaugh’s harsh treatment of this young woman. Limbaugh and his right-wing cabal are attacking Ms. Fluke’s human rights, insisting that she must bear the consequences of her own actions at her own expense. This is pure selfishness on display.”

“I believe our nation is at a crossroad where we need to decide whether personal freedom or individual greed will prevail,” Obama continued. “Should a person’s freedom be curtailed by fear of the possible financial cost of choices he or she might make? Or should society pitch in and liberate us all from such fears? I think everyone knows where I stand on this issue and I’m confident that voters will recognize me as the kind of champion of human rights they want wielding all the powers the Presidency offers in this cause.”

In related news, the National Organization for Women (NOW) demanded that Limbaugh be banned from the airwaves for this latest assault on women’s rights. “For years Limbaugh has belittled those of us standing up for women as ‘feminazis,’” asserted NOW President Terry O’Neill. “This latest escapade is part of a pattern of abuse that must be silenced once and for all. We call upon his sponsors—Clear Channel Communications—to pull the plug on Limbaugh before the FCC (Federal Communications Commission) is forced to take action.”

Congresswoman Looking into Broader Health Mandate

Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) says the furor over the President’s declaration that all insurers must offer birth control coverage free-of-charge is “helping highlight a broader divide between those who really care about the welfare of people and those who don’t.”

“Look, 90% of Catholic women use birth control,” Pelosi maintained. “This is a huge majority. In our form of government the majority rules. The President’s executive order requiring insurers to cover the cost of birth control meets the needs of this majority. Those who oppose this are placing the rights of the 10% minority ahead of the rights of the majority. That isn’t right.”

“You know, there is even a bigger majority of the population that eats,” Pelosi pointed out. “Everyone—100%–needs food. Yet, a person’s access to food is contingent upon their ability to pay for it. Even worse, segments of our society exploit this need for profit. Now that we have established the legitimacy of mandating free birth control I think it may be time to look into a similar mandate requiring the producers of food to make it available to all at no out-of-pocket charge. A good diet is every bit as important a health benefit as birth control.”

Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius called Pelosi’s suggestion “intriguing.” “In fact, the two mandates could be mutually interactive. The birth control mandate will lead to a reduction in the number of human beings we have to contend with. More contraception, more abortions means fewer mouths to feed. With a smaller pool of recipients, mandating free access to food would be a more manageable proposition.”

President Admits Wife Controls His TV Watching

Though he may be the “most powerful leader in the world,” President Barack Obama’s access to television is strictly controlled by his wife.

“Sports is all I’m allowed to watch on TV,” Obama told reporters. “Even then, I’m limited to an hour or two here and there. Watching a whole game is a rare treat. Michelle doesn’t want me to be distracted from my mission.”

The President admitted that he chafes under the restriction and occasionally “sneaks an extra peek when Michelle is not around,” but asked that it be kept secret lest “I lose what privileges she allows me now.”

Investigation of Obama’s Credentials Called Racist

Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s six-month long investigation into the authenticity of President Obama’s birth certificate recently concluded with a finding of “probable cause” to believe this document is a forgery.

Arpaio said that “forensics experts were able to determine that the birth certificate released by the White House was a computer-generated collage, not a genuine copy of an actual document. The President may or may not have been born in Hawaii. The documents he has provided to-date do not serve as proof that he is eligible for the office he now holds.”

While declining to address any of Arpaio’s substantive claims, Press Secretary Jay Carney characterized the Sheriff’s efforts as “racism, pure and simple. Arpaio’s been sheriff for what, 20 years now? Did he ever investigate the eligibility of either of the George Bushes or Bill Clinton? But now that a Black man holds the office he’s out beating the bushes to try to dig up dirt. I think we see a pattern here and an ugly one at that.”

Carney insisted that “these racist attacks won’t work. The media won’t cooperate in spreading them. Voters won’t be swayed by them. In the end, they will backfire when the President is reelected and has the opportunity to impose consequences on those who tried to depose him.”

Rising Gas Prices Won’t Hurt Prez, Campaign Says

The prospect of gasoline prices rising to $5 per gallon or more before election day in November isn’t fazing the Obama campaign.

“Voters understand that higher gas prices are necessary if we’re to wean ourselves off of fossil fuels,” said Stephanie Cutter, the president’s deputy campaign manager. “The average person wants to do the right thing, but that’s hard when gasoline is cheap. I mean who’s going to buy a Chevy Volt when its cheaper to own and operate a conventional car? Who’s going to suffer the inconveniences of public transit when driving his own car is affordable?”

“The President’s push to level the playing field so that making the right choice isn’t any more expensive than making the wrong choice is an assist that I think most people will appreciate,” Cutter argued. “It’s like your Mom letting you have desert if you eat your peas first. Or Dad boosting your allowance if you keep your grades up. It’s a pain, but it’s for your own good. We’re confident that voters will appreciate the President’s interest in and efforts to improve their behavior.”

Congresswoman Says Constitution Shouldn’t Block Necessary Legislation

At a “town hall” style meeting in her district, Representative Kathy Hochul (D-NY) told constituents that First Amendment guarantees in the US Constitution “mustn’t be allowed to override Congress’ scope of action.”

Asked what part of the Constitution allows government to dictate what citizens must buy in the way of health insurance, Hochul explained that “We’re not looking to the Constitution on that aspect. Remember, the Constitution is a 200-year-old document. Those who wrote it could not have anticipated all of the changes that would transpire in the future. So, those of us who are governing in the present must sometimes deviate from what the Constitution says.”

“Basically, the decision has been made by this Congress that all Americans must have health care insurance whether they want it or not,” Hochul added. “No one can be excused from paying for it. We cannot allow professions of conscientious objections under the guise of religious freedom or personal beliefs to deter us from imposing this requirement.”

Perhaps more shocking than the Representative’s breezy dismissal of Constitutional issues was the round of applause and cheers from most of the members of her audience.

Republican Efforts to Hold the Line on Bureaucrats’ Pay Assailed

Key Democrats objected to GOP efforts to trim the budget deficit by requiring federal employees to make bigger contributions to their own pensions. This comes despite statistics indicating that government employees’ pensions are far more generous than those of their peers in the private sector.

“What my GOP colleagues consistently overlook is the complexity and importance of government work compared to the private sector,” complained Minority Whip, Representative Steny Hoyer (D-Md). “Producing food, clothing, and shelter are the relatively simple tasks we entrust to the private sector. Regulating these tasks is more complicated, difficult, and important. Those charged with these responsibilities deserve more respect.”

The GOP proposal raising Hoyer’s ire would boost employee contributions to 3.1%, up from the current 2.3%.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens Archives

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

U.S. Secretary of Energy Steven Chu vigorously assailed what he labeled “the GOP’s simplistic approach to energy policy. They are fixated on the notion that increased supplies are the answer. They would have the American people believe that increased supplies will improve availability of gasoline. Well, I’ve got news for them. Americans aren’t as stupid as they think.”

Chu mocked Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich’s promise to roll back gasoline prices to $2.50 per gallon, calling it “an attempt to turn back to the failed policies of the past. The crux of this Administration’s efforts on the energy front have been aimed at dampening demand for fossil fuels. If we can get the price of a gallon of gas up to the $7 or $8 level that has been attained in Europe I’m confident that demand will fall to more manageable levels in this country.”

Fuel price trends seem to indicate that the Obama Administration’s efforts to boost the cost of burning fossil fuels has been at least partially successful. The price of a gallon of gasoline averaged $1.80 when Obama took office in January of 2009. Recently, the price per gallon has reached nearly double that amount. Administration experts say that a price of $5 per gallon by Labor Day is achievable if present policies can be maintained.

“It’s not as if we haven’t been trying to provide options,” Chu added. “For the near term, we’re subsidizing the Volt so people can drive responsibly. And for the long term, we’re investing in high-speed rail and public transit. Ultimately, the need to own and operate one’s own vehicle will become a thing of the past.”

The Secretary expressed confidence that “voters would appreciate the President’s vision of a future where unnecessary travel is brought to a minimum and the vast majority of Americans will rely on safe and environmentally friendly public carriers for the trips they absolutely have to make.”

Chu’s confidence was echoed by Democratic National Committee Chairwoman, Representative Debbie Wasserman Schultz (Fla). “All the Republicans have to offer is more drilling,” she pointed out. “The abundance of supplies and low prices that they preach are out-of-step with our long-term goal of weaning this nation off of fossil fuels and the unnecessary travel they enable.”

Over a Million US Families Living on Less than $2 a Day

A US Census Bureau study indicated that an estimated 1.46 million families in the United States are now living on less than $2 per day. This is more than twice as many as the estimated 636,000 families that were living at a like standard in 1996.

Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius hailed the report as “a tribute to the affirmative steps taken by this Administration to lower the cost of living. Critics have been quick to harp on the negatives of high unemployment, declining wages, and falling home values as if that were the total picture. We’re hoping that this study opens peoples’ eyes to the other side of the equation.”

“Also, let’s not discount the environmental benefits of living on less,” Sebelius urged. “The more people we can get to live like this the less our economy will have to produce. That means fewer smoke-belching factories and less road traffic. A lower need for materials means we can stop raping nature and return more land to a wilderness status. And let’s not forget the gains in leisure time attained by every person that no longer has to work to produce the excessive amount of unnecessary stuff that a so-called affluent society demands.”

That minorities make up a disproportionately large fraction of those living so parsimoniously was held to be encouraging by the Secretary. “These are the fastest growing segments of the population,” she pointed out. “The trend foretells of a future where the majority will live as frugally as only a minority does now.”

PA Judge Rules Muslims Have Right to Assault those Who Offend Islam

A Pennsylvania man walking in a parade dressed as a zombie Muhammad next to a man dressed as a zombie Pope was physically assaulted by a recent Muslim immigrant for insulting Islam. Instead of facing jail time or being assessed for damages, the attacker was absolved by Judge Mark Martin.

Martin, himself a Muslim, brushed aside the victim’s First Amendment rights asserting that “freedom of speech does not entitle anyone to commit blasphemy against another’s religious beliefs. I am quite familiar with the Koran. Nowhere does it state that Muhammad arose and walked among the dead. For him to be portrayed that way, especially in jest, is a grave insult to members of the Islamic faith.”

The victim was informed that “he got off easy. According to sharia law the assailant was within his rights to kill the blasphemer. Consequently, his claim to recompense to cover his medical bills is unwarranted.”

Presidential Apology Fails

President Obama’s apology for the burning of Korans by US troops stationed in Afghanistan failed to stem riots that have already claimed numerous lives, including two US soldiers.

“The burning was inadvertent,” Obama insisted. “Troops ignorant of the document’s demands that Muslims have a religious obligation to kill Jews, apostates, and unbelievers thought they were burning terrorist propaganda. We have been trying to reeducate our servicemen, but it is difficult to break through to people raised to believe that ‘turning the other cheek’ represents a religious ideal. They cannot conceive that a holy book might command the faithful to slay those who offend their beliefs.”

A spokesman for the Taliban called the apology “totally inadequate. The Koran is the word of God. No one may desecrate it. The act of these unbelievers is punishable by death. We call upon all Muslims everywhere to attack, kill, or capture any American who is within their grasp in retaliation for this outrage.”

“Taxes Are what You Pay for the Privilege of Being an American” Says Geithner

US Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner advised taxpayers to “quit complaining, taxes are what you pay for the privilege of being an American.”

“You know, there are places in the world where the government can take everything you have,” Geithner observed. “The fact that you get to keep anything here ought to inspire a greater appreciation for your own government’s forbearance.”

The Secretary warned those he called the “one-percenters,” that “government is the only thing preventing the other 99% from murdering you and looting your property. The protection we offer ought to be worth whatever it costs. Quibbling over the price of this protection may be an unwise course.”

DC Resident Fined for Not Recycling Newspapers

D.C. resident Patricia White has received fines, totaling $2000 for not recycling old newspapers. The Department of Public Works levied the fines after rooting through her trash and finding old newspapers in it.

White tried explaining that she didn’t recycle the papers because she had used them in her cat’s litter box. “It’s not that I don’t support the idea of recycling,” White said. “I recycle plenty of other stuff. But I thought who wants to sort through cat sh*t. For health reasons alone I figured it would be better to just trash the newspapers I used in the litter box.”

Judge Audrey Jenkins denied White’s appeal of the fines. “Ms. White’s notions as to what might be healthy have no bearing,” Jenkins insisted. “The law says newspapers go in the recycle bin. It is her duty to get them there. Her selfish desire to save money by creating her own kitty litter is denying legitimate businesses the right to sell her commercially appropriate kitty litter. And the fines help fund the city’s trash inspection system.”

Lest Ms. White opt to start dumping her cat’s litter box full of shredded newspapers into the recycle bin in an effort to comply, the Judge cautioned her that “it is Ms. White’s obligation to separate out any non-recyclable components. She must not allow any cat feces to make it into the recycle bin. Inspectors will be watching.”

White House Refuses to Comply with Another Subpoena

Citing what it called a key precedent recently established by a Georgia case, the Obama Administration declined to submit documents subpoenaed by the House Energy and Commerce Committee investigating the loss of over $500 million of taxpayers’ money on the Administration’s Solyndra loan guarantee.

“If you will recall,” Press Secretary Jay Carney told Committee Chairman Representative Fred Upton (R-Mich), “the Administration’s refusal to provide documents or even to appear in answer to a subpoena was upheld by Judge Milihi’s decision in the President’s favor.”

“It’s a separation of powers issue,” Carney explained. “The president was independently elected by the American people. He is answerable only to the American people. No judge, no congressman, no one, has the standing to challenge anything he does unless he deigns to acquiesce in the inquiry. If Mr. Upton isn’t satisfied he can try to convince his peers to use the only Constitutional option available to Congress and impeach the President. Then the President might respond.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens Archives

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

The recent flap over the Obama Administration’s edict that all employers must provide birth control, including abortifacients, as part of heath insurance benefits for employees has given us a “teaching moment,” says representative Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (D-Fla.).

“We have established the fundamental principle that employers may not force their views on employees by refusing to cover the costs of birth control measures,” Wasserman-Schultz crowed. “The days of employer oppression of employees are over. The government has stepped in to defend the working class.”

The Congresswoman dismissed complaints that the Obama Administration’s move wrongfully violates individuals’ rights to act in accord with their own consciences. “We had an election in 2008,” she pointed out. “Obama won that election. He has a mandate from voters that overrides the supposed individual right to freedom of conscience. This is what democracy is all about.”

“In contrast, employers have no mandate to decide what they will or won’t pay for if elected authorities say otherwise,” she continued. “Obligations to invisible deities or claims of purported ‘inalienable rights’ cannot be used to set aside one’s responsibility to obey the laws laid down by our President.”

In related news, a quartet of Senate Democrats denounced a Republican initiative aimed at protecting the “right of conscience” to not be forced to participate in a government program that they believe to be morally wrong. “We can’t have people deciding for themselves whether they ought to be required to participate in funding someone else’s birth control or abortion rights,” declared California Senator Barbara Boxer. “This would put anarchic individualism ahead of social welfare. It would set the country back 200 years.”

Ironically, it was a little over 200 years ago that the First Amendment to the Constitution barred the government from interfering with an individual’s right of conscience.

Capitol Police Arrest Pro-Life Demonstrators Near White House

Six pro-life demonstrators were arrested for holding a prayer vigil on the sidewalk outside the White House earlier this week. All were released after paying a ransom of $100 apiece.

One of the arrestees, Fr. Denis Wilde, the Associate Director of Priests for Life, pointed out the disparities  between how his small protest was handled when compared to the police response to the Occupy Wall Street protest. “Occupy Wall Street protesters have been occupying federal property for months, but when we kneel in prayer, the police are called in and we are arrested,” Father Wilde complained.

Spokesman for the Capitol Police, Amir Kalid, maintained that “there is no animus against these people. We don’t hate Catholics. But let me point out that they have their own places of worship they can use to pray. They have no inherent right to pray on the sidewalks. The sidewalks are public places and there is a separation of church and state in this country. Keeping them clear of unwarranted activities is our duty.”

“As far as any claimed disparities between these and other protesters goes, officers were merely following orders,” Kalid added. “We can only speculate as to the reasons why some are allowed and others are not.”

Former President Jimmy Carter attempted to answer Kalid’s speculation, by pointing out that “Catholics are clearly a minority, while Occupy Wall Street represents 99% of the population. Perhaps this is a sufficient explanation for how Capitol Police are instructed to handle these different groups.”

Obama Recovery Plan a Great Success, Says Biden

Vice-President Joe Biden gives President Obama high grades when it comes to his handling of the economy. As he sees it, the bailouts and stimulus spending have been a “great success.”

“Statistical nerds are saying that the economy has lost construction and manufacturing jobs since the President’s program was adopted, but I don’t know any of these people,” Biden said. “Everybody I know has a job. Why should I believe the numbers the CBO (Congressional Budget Office) trolls are reporting?”

Biden admitted that “occasionally I’m approached by somebody who says he’s unemployed and would like some help. But how do I know it’s not just some sort of hustle? Voters have got to immunize themselves against GOP propaganda. The key question they should ask themselves is whether they are better off than they were four years ago. Once they focus on that there’s no doubt in my mind that they will reelect the President.”

Battle over School Lunches Shaping up

The government’s effort to force feed America’s youth with nutritionally approved food raised its ugly head in a North Carolina pre-school this past week. The issue gained notoriety when a mother complained that school officials declared the sack-lunch of a turkey sandwich, fruit, chips, and apple juice she had prepared for her daughter was substandard and gave the child a school meal composed of chicken nuggets, milk, and a vegetable. In the end, the girl ate only the chicken nuggets.

The principal of West Hoke Elementary, Jackie Samuels, defended the program as “a crucial step toward ensuring that all children are properly fed. The lunches parents send vary considerably in their nutritional content. Some are down right awful. It is apparent that too many parents are either ignorant of or indifferent to their child’s nutritional needs. The question is whether we are going to tolerate this ignorance and indifference or take measures to insert expert guidance into the process.”

The inspection of students’ bagged lunches was characterized as a “more moderate intervention than authorized by law. We are within our rights to forbid lunches brought from home,” Samuels asserted. “If all food consumed at school were prepared by the school a more balanced and standardized nutritional offering could be put in front of every child. No child would be left to the mercy of the possibly ill-informed efforts of a parent.”

Parents who might be dissatisfied with the program were reminded that “this is a publicly funded school. As such, it will be governed by state standards. Those who can’t abide these standards are free to send there children elsewhere or home-school them if they are so inclined.”

Whether Obamacare Is a Tax Depends on Venue Aide Says

A key argument of the Obama Administration’s legal defense of the President’s signature health care legislation was called into question by acting White House budget director Jeff Zients’ testimony before the House Budget  Committee. Zients was arguing that the penalty assessed by Obamacare on a person who fails to purchase insurance is NOT a tax.

On the other hand, Obama’s lawyers have been arguing that the penalty IS a tax. This argument is necessitated in order for the Obamacare law to appear to be Constitutional. While Congress lacks the authority to require a person to purchase a product—heath insurance being such an item—it does have the authority to impose a tax.

Zients attempted to finesse the issue by contending that offering contradictory arguments in different venues is okay. “Look, from the legal perspective it is imperative that the penalty be classified as a tax,” Zients told Representative Scott Garrett (R-NJ). “So, that’s what the lawyers say it is. But from a political perspective it is important that the President not be perceived as reneging on his promise not to raise taxes on those making under $250,000 a year. So, that’s why I’m telling you it is not a tax.”

Congresswoman Vows to Silence Key Republicans If Dems Take Back Majority

Representative Maxine Waters (D-Calif.) called Republicans John Boehner (R-Ohio) and Eric Cantor (R-Va) “demons,” and vowed that “once I am at the head of the Financial Services Committee these men will never be seen or heard from again.”

While chairing a Congressional committee is a powerful position with many perks and privileges, it has yet to authorize the complete silencing of political opponents. Perhaps this is about to change because as Ms. Waters argues, “these men are out to destroy President Obama. The good of the country demands that we Democrats not shy away from the stern measures needed to protect his mission to transform America.”

DOJ Refuses to Enforce Voter Registration Act

The Obama Administration Department of Justice is refusing to carry out provisions of the National Voter Registration Act (NVRA) requiring that the names of voters known to be deceased be purged from registration rolls. The rationale for this failure to execute the laws of this country was explained by a DOJ attorney: “removing dead people from the rolls doesn’t increase turnout. It stops people from voting.”

“We’d rather err on the side of inclusiveness,” explained Attorney General Eric Holder. “How do we know for sure a person is dead? I mean, unless I’ve seen the body how can I rule out the possibility that the voter’s so-called death might be a mere clerical error? We can’t take the chance that a person be disenfranchised by a clerical error. This would be a monstrous injustice. I’d rather risk a 1,000 bogus ballots than deny one person his human right to cast a vote for who will rule over him. This human right is fundamental to our democracy.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens Archives

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

In a bid to capture the evangelical vote, President Obama boldly asserted that his programs are based on the teachings of Jesus and that “if he were alive, Jesus would vote for me.” Obama’s remarks were made this past week at the National Prayer Breakfast in Washington.

“Jesus instructed his followers to render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s,” Obama recalled. “What could more clearly be Caesar’s than money. Money is issued by the government. Both in Jesus’ time and now, money has been adorned with the likenesses of governing officials. God’s will is plain: money and its distribution is the within the scope of government’s authority. Opposition to this is what is ungodly.”

Not only is government control over the distribution of money in accord with God’s commandments, it also aids in the salvation of those it dispossesses the President contended. “Look, Jesus told us that it would be easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to get into heaven,” Obama said. “So, by relieving the wealthy of their excess money, the government would also be helping them get into heaven.”

“Jesus also said that to whom much is given, much shall be required,” Obama remembered. “A society in which everyone does what he is able to do and in return receives what he needs would implement this ideal. Turning this ideal into a reality is my ambition for America.”

The president’s supporters in Wisconsin sought to assure him that Jesus would, in fact, be voting for him in their  come November. Bolstering their confidence was the appearance of Jesus’ signature on multiple copies of the petition to recall Republican Governor Scott Walker.

In related news, saying that the $16 trillion national debt is “hampering the government’s fiscal flexibility,” President Obama suggested “privatization might prove a way out from under this load.”

Under the plan, each person in America would be issued a prorated share of the debt (about $49,000 apiece). “Those that could afford to pay would pay,” Obama said. “Those who couldn’t would file for bankruptcy and have the debt expunged. The government would have a debt-free balance sheet for the first time in our nation’s history.”

Komen Foundation Will Continue to Fund Planned Parenthood

Under pressure from leading abortion advocates, the Komen Foundation for the Cure of Breast Cancer reversed an earlier decision to discontinue its annual grant to Planned Parenthood.

“It has been pointed out to us that our decision to cease funding Planned Parenthood was based on some miscalculations,” said Komen CEO Nancy Brinker. “First, many of those who have supported our efforts to fight breast cancer are ardent about the work of Planned Parenthood. Our decision to end funding for that organization was taken as an insult and could have longer term negative impacts on our main mission.”

“Second, every abortion provided by Planned Parenthood is provided to a woman,” Brinker observed. “Women’s rights and women’s health are clearly important to that organization. Even if we were to consider the effects on the aborted fetuses only about half of them would’ve eventually become women. The health of actual women has got to take precedence over the health of potential women.”

Brinker downplayed evidence that having an abortion increases a woman’s risk for coming down with breast cancer, calling it “unproven.” “Not every woman who has an abortion gets breast cancer,” Brinker asserted. “Many who have never had an abortion still get breast cancer. So, those who contend that our support of Planned Parenthood might contradict our central purpose do not have a conclusive case.”

AG Denies DOJ Has Anything to Hide on “Fast and Furious”

Attorney General Eric Holder took issue with Congressional investigators of the so-called “Fast and Furious” gun-running scandal.

“Accusations that this Administration has been engaged in a cover up are totally unfounded,” Holder argued. “If we had been engaged in a cover up, I assure you I wouldn’t be here testifying today. No one would’ve known anything about it. No one would’ve known what questions to ask. The fact that we are here today, conducting this hearing is proof that there has been no cover up. When you’ve done nothing wrong, there’s no need for it.”

In support of his argument, Holder cited a report by House Democrats absolving the Obama Administration of any blame in the gun-running scandal. “As Representative Cummings (D-Md) pointed out, you have no proof that I knew anything about this program,” Holder maintained. “No one has ‘fingered’ me or the President. You’ve got nothing on either of us.”

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano characterized the GOP investigation as “misguided.” “For all their talk about securing the border, Representative Issa and his cohorts are overlooking the fact that these guns have been instrumental in interdicting more illegal crossings than our own border guards have,” Napolitano said. “The tens of thousands of Mexican nations that have been killed by Mexican gangsters using ‘fast and furious’ guns has enabled the Obama Administration to make more serious inroads against illegal immigration than any previous Administration.”

While the number of illegal immigrants making their way into the US from Mexico may have slowed, the quantity of illegal drugs being smuggled across this border has not. The National Drug Intelligence Center estimates that Mexican drug cartels now account for most of the heroin, marijuana, and methamphetamine available in the United States and that production appears to be increasing.

GOP Move to Block Welfare Money from Being Spent at Strip Clubs Assailed

A Republican bill that would bar welfare benefits from being spent at strip clubs, casinos, and liquor stores was assailed by Melissa Boteach, of the liberal Center for American Progress.

“This is wrong on so many levels,” Boteach claimed. “Right off, it’s an invasion of privacy. The government has no business telling people how to spend their money. These aren’t children we’re dealing with. They’re adults with adult urges and needs. They have a right to meet these needs as they see fit.”

“Besides, being poor is depressing,” Boteach added. “These people may have more than an average need for the diversions provided by these types of businesses.”

“Likewise, the businesses targeted in the bill have every right to solicit customers from all classes of society,” Boteach continued. “Patronage shouldn’t be restricted by government intervention.”

“And let’s not overlook the macroeconomic effects the bill would impose,” Boteach reminded. “The president has emphasized again and again how important it is to maintain spending if the economy is to grow. Few businesses can burn through a bankroll as rapidly as strip clubs, casinos, and liquor stores. Dampening the customer traffic at these places would be out-of-step with the President’s plan.”

Criticism of President Dangerous, Says Jackson

Former presidential candidate Reverend Jesse Jackson averred that criticism of President Obama has gotten dangerously out of hand.

“The constant barrage of right-wing criticism leveled at the president by his enemies has reached unacceptably perilous magnitude,” Jackson insisted. “When a governor is allowed to point her finger at him or a member of Congress is permitted to get away with calling him a liar we must acknowledge that rhetoric has gone too far.”

Jackson cited history to bolster his concern. “President John Kennedy was vilified by right-wingers,” Jackson asserted. “This created an atmosphere conducive to violence. The next we knew, he was shot and killed. We must do what we can to eliminate today’s attacks on President Obama before the same thing happens to him.”

The role that any so-called right-wing criticism of Kennedy’s policies might have played in his assassination is unclear. Lee Harvey Oswald, the man who shot Kennedy, was a communist sympathizer whose grievance against the President appeared related to Kennedy’s opposition to Cuba’s communist regime.

Pelosi Calls President’s Moves against Catholic Theology “Courageous”

The Obama Administration’s decision to force Catholic institutions to provide birth control, including so-called “morning after” pills that induce abortions, got a vote-of-confidence from House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif).

Pelosi, who claims to be a practicing Catholic, took issue with what she termed “the Church’s idiosyncratic opposition to the will of the people. Voters of this country, including, I might add, the majority of Catholic voters, have, by electing Obama President, determined that access to birth control may not be restricted. Neither the whims of the Church’s hierarchy nor the strictures of out-dated dogma can stand against this decision.”

“Given the Church’s long history of persecuting those they deem guilty of heresy, I must commend the President on his decision,” Pelosi added. “Not since Britain’s King Henry VIII have we seen such such a bold and  courageous act of resistance by a nation’s ruler to Papal oppression.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens Archives

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

President Obama expressed his “profound disappointment and disgust” with what he labeled “an unacceptable display of disrespect” toward him from Arizona Governor Jan Brewer (R).

“Ms. Brewer has to come to terms with her rank in the pecking order,” Obama said. “She is, after all, merely a governor of a relatively small and unimportant state. Regardless of how she feels about me, it is inappropriate for her to seem to be publicly criticizing her nation’s president.”

The President’s ire was sparked by more than the highly visual face-off the two had on the tarmac of the Williams-Gateway Airport during Obama’s recent campaign visit to Arizona. Governor Brewer also has written a book–“Scorpions for Breakfast: My Fight Against Special Interests, Liberal Media, and Cynical Politicos to Secure America’s Border”–that the President contends “scurrilously defames and discredits me.”

Obama hinted that the Justice Department’s lawsuit against the State of Arizona for its effrontery of attempting to enforce federal immigration laws could be expanded to include charges against Brewer for “defamation of character.” “It’s one thing for the state to face a lawsuit, the Governor bears no personal liability no matter how the case is decided,” Attorney General Eric Holder pointed out. “But a finding of libel against her for what she wrote in her book could be financially crushing. The cost of a legal defense itself could be daunting.”

Holder denied that the President was conducting a vendetta against Brewer. “Governor Brewer isn’t more than a tiny blip on the President’s radar,” Holder said. “It’s the principle of the thing that matters. People must be disabused of the idea that they can vilify the President without facing dire personal consequences.”

A post-election Executive Order authorizing the removal of state officials whose actions endanger national security or serve to undermine the people’s confidence in the federal government is reportedly in the works. “Arizona’s Governor Brewer isn’t the only one who’s gotten out of line,” Press Secretary Jay Carney observed. “There are some elections officials in Georgia who’ve proven supremely irritating to the President.”

State of the Union: President Says Higher Taxes, More Spending & Regulation Needed

Three years of failure failed to blunt President Obama’s enthusiasm for more of the same policies that have yet to show a positive influence on the nation’s economic health.

Despite the fact that both economic logic and historical experience argue that higher taxes discourage the investment that is essential to economic growth and the creation of jobs, President Obama vowed to push for higher levies on investors as part of his “recovery program.” “It’s not fair that some have more than others,” the President said. “All should share equally in the Earth’s bounty. It is the government’s responsibility to ensure that an equitable distribution is effected. Individual selfishness must not be allowed to triumph.”

Raising taxes on the successful was also cited as a mechanism for funding much needed “social investment.” “Private sector investment decisions are driven by profit,” Obama observed. “Public sector investments are driven by need. The more resources we can extract from the private sector to use for public projects, the more needs we will be able to fulfill. Vital public interests in green technology, transportation, and education shouldn’t have to suffer just because customers are unwilling or unable to pay for them.”

The President assailed the “anarchy of private decision-making” as “the third major obstacle we need to overcome on our march toward social justice. We can’t afford to allow the owners of so-called private property to have such a wide latitude for their actions. All property really belongs to all the people. It is up to the government to provide the guidance necessary to guarantee that all property is used in the most beneficial way.”

In related news, First Lady Michelle Obama rejected suggestions that the $2,000 dress she wore to the State of the Union Speech conflicted with her husband egalitarian political message. “Historically, the common people have always enjoyed a vicarious pleasure from the displays of opulence by their rulers,” Michelle contended. “No matter how badly things may be going for them personally, they are assured that the nation is prospering.”

Castro Denounces GOP Presidential Contenders, Urges Obama Continue in Office

Former Cuban dictator Fidel Castro characterized the Republican case for ousting President Obama in the upcoming election as “the greatest competition of idiocy and ignorance that has ever been.”

“Listening to these apologists for personal greed you’d get the impression that an individual ought to be free to do whatever he wants,” Castro complained. “Where’s their social conscience?”

Castro contrasted the “anti-social” GOP field with “President Obama’s appreciation for the collective well-being of the whole. While he may not feel confident to openly admit it, I sense that he is, at heart, a socialist. That American voters might reject him at the polls is a disaster that should not be tolerated. Hopefully, he will undertake whatever measures may be required to avert such a result.”

Gore Praises Presidents Rejection of Pipeline

Former Vice-President Al Gore heaped praise on President Obama’s decision to block construction of the Keystone Pipeline, calling it “the medicine we need to break our addiction modern civilization.”

“I know the President’s GOP critics have been harping on the negative impacts this will have on the US economy,” Gore admitted. “But they’re overlooking the very real environmental benefits of higher fuel prices and unemployment.”

“If we were to build the pipeline more oil would flow into America,” Gore pointed out. “More oil means lower prices for gasoline. Lower prices mean more driving. More driving means more pollution. Avoiding this is a major gain from the President’s decision.”

Gore also cited the broader economic impacts of the decision as a plus for the environment. “In general, cheaper energy would likely decrease unemployment,” Gore acknowledged. “What’s frequently forgotten, though, is that every time an unemployed person gets a job, that’s another car added to the stream of traffic. Let’s face it. The recession we are in has been a great boon for the environment. The longer it goes on the less pollution we emit.”

The former VP urged Obama to “look for other ways to assist in the deindustrialization that is imperative if we want to save the planet from the scourge we call human kind.”

President Hails Roe v. Wade as Crucial “Stop Gap” Measure

President Barack Obama used the 39^th anniversary of the Supreme Court’s Roe v. Wade decision outlawing all limits on abortion to make the case for the measure as a crucial stop gap on the way to full equality.

“No one can deny that pregnancy places a disproportionate burden on women,” Obama asserted. “In an ideal world, men and women would take turns bearing this type of burden. We’re not there yet. In the meantime, though, we have an obligation to do whatever we can to level the playing field. By granting women an absolute right to abort unwanted offspring, Roe v. Wade has achieved a significant leveling effect. We must rebuff any and every attempt to infringe upon this court-given right.”

Since the 1973 Roe v. Wade decision an estimated 54 million pregnancies have been terminated by abortion. This is nines times the number of Jews exterminated in the Nazi Holocaust. It is approaching the estimated total of 60 million persons killed during World War II—the deadliest conflict in human history.

Hawaii Bill Would Track of All Web Site Visits

Representative John Mizuno (D-Oahu) is sponsoring a bill that would require all web sites to keep records of who visits their sites.

“The government has a right to know who is reading/viewing what,” Mizuno insisted. “A lot of the stuff on the Internet is not supportive of the government’s efforts to provide a safer and better life for the people. This could inspire mentally unbalanced persons to take dangerous actions that could interfere with these goals. We need to be able to spot this in advance if we are to avert an unwelcome turn of events.”

The bill is opposed by the U.S. Internet Service Provider Association, whose CEO, Kate Dean, cited its violation of the Constitution’s Fourth Amendment ban on unreasonable searches. “There’s no provision in this bill requiring the state to show probable cause and obtain a warrant in order to secure access,” Dean maintained. “It pretty much gives the police the authority to poke its nose into anyone’s business whenever it chooses.”

While conceding computer users concern over potential loss of privacy, Mizuno called their fears “overwrought. Look, if you’re not doing anything wrong you’ll have nothing to fear from the State. It’s only the people exhibiting wrongful intent that we’re trying to interdict.”

Mizuno defended the compilation of dossiers on “persons of interest” as “precautionary in nature. We can’t be certain from where future threats may arise. Having a file on potential troublemakers could prove invaluable. In fact, it’s possible that if people know we have the capacity to compile these dossiers that by itself may serve to deter them from getting crosswise with governing authorities.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens Archives

Georgia Judge Michael Malihi’s refusal to accept President Obama’s lawyers’ demand that he be excused from responding to a subpoenato testify in a hearing questioning his eligibility to appear on that state’s presidential ballot was denounced by Edward Toady, lead attorney for the president on this case.

“The president is the sovereign ruler of this country,” Toady asserted. “Where he goes and what he does is solely at his discretion. He does not have to answer to the demands of lower ranking authorities. He has what is called ‘sovereign immunity.’”

“On top of this, there is the simple lack of time in the president’s busy schedule,” Toady added. “The president isn’t like ordinary people. He doesn’t have a free moment to spare. Every waking hour is already allocated to activities of higher priority. Satisfying some plaintiff’s curiosity as to whether he is qualified as a ‘natural born citizen’ is an unwarranted intrusion on this man’s privacy and tries his patience.”

Judge Malihi dismissed Toady’s claims as “unsupported by any evidence or cited legal authority. I’m not saying that the contention that a president may not be compelled to attend a court hearing is necessarily incorrect. However, Mr. Toady’s contention that the President’s status of ‘acknowledged leader of the free world’ makes him immune is an argument without substantive legal foundation. Further, the argument that the President has no time to spare would seem to be refuted by his widely reported indulgences in elective recreational activities. Surely, the resolution of this legal issue could take precedence over another round of golf.”

The president’s lawyers say they will appeal Malihi’s decision to a higher authority. “Under our legal system a person has the right to be judged by his peers,” Toady observed. “ Judge Malihi is merely a state court judge. As such, he lacks the stature to sit in judgment of the President. In fact, it is our contention that the President sits on the pinnacle of American government and is without peer. As the highest authority in our government he is the only person who can judge himself. As long as he holds that post  no one may presume to tell him what to do.”

Administration Warm to Pipeline Compromise Proposal

A proposal to build the US portion of the Keystone Pipeline without connecting it to the Canadian source of oil may be a compromise the Obama Administration can approve.

“The President’s main objection has always been his opposition to increasing the supply of fossil fuels in America,” said Press Secretary Jay Carney. “Building a pipeline that doesn’t connect to any source of oil seems like a ‘win-win’ solution. We could create thousands of jobs constructing the pipeline without incurring the negative environmental impacts of actually transporting, refining, and distributing any gasoline.”

Obama’s Presidential Campaign adviser, David Axelrod, characterized the construction of a line that will never be used as “a stroke of genius. The unions will be happy because they’ll get jobs building the line. The environmentalists will be happy because the President will still block the cross-border connection to Canadian oil sources. This compromise means that votes from both these groups will go solidly for the President.”

Axelrod brushed aside criticism that building a pipeline that won’t be used might be seen as wasteful. “The pipeline will be built underground,” he pointed out. “It won’t be seen as anything. Meanwhile, union workers will be bringing home paychecks. The economy will be stimulated. The President will be reelected.”

The compromise was likened to the strategy used by FDR in winning three reelection campaigns. “The spend, spend, spend and elect, elect, elect approach is a tried and true strategy,” Axelrod bragged. “Voters aren’t thinking about the long term. They’re not competent to assess the functionality of how taxes are spent. As long as the President can be seen to be doing something, anything, he’ll win them over.”

President to Give Advanced Missile Technology to Russians

Saying that he didn’t want members of Congress to take his decision not to follow their advice personally, President Obama, nonetheless went ahead and initiated the transfer of sensitive missile technology information to the Russian government.

“I know that there are those who disagree with me on this,” the President acknowledged. “But I have to do what I think is right. That’s why the American people elected me. I can’t let them down.”

What the president referred to as “advice” came in the form of a law prohibiting the sharing of this missile technology with any foreign government. Though President Obama signed this law, he said he reserves “the right to deviate from any of its provisions that I deem conflict with my broader responsibilities as President.”

“US military superiority is a source of fear in many parts of the world,” Obama said. “Our advanced weapons technology contributes to this fear. Other nations may not be willing or able to carry out their own independent policies out of the apprehension that a conflict with America would of necessity be a losing proposition. This is unfair. Sharing our technology will help level the playing field.”

Though his decision to share the technology may have put him at odds with Congress, President Obama was quick to point to the favorable responses of foreign governments in rebuttal. “I have already received word from Prime Minister Putin expressing his gratitude,” Obama boasted. “Others—including China, Pakistan, and Venezuela—have sent messages asking if they might also gain access to this information. The prospect of cultivating closer relations with other governments around the world seem favorable.”

President Blames Media for Bad Image

President Obama laid the blame for impressions that he is “cold and aloof” at the feat of what he called “a largely hostile media.”

“It’s lonely at the top,” Obama complained. “The average person has plenty of equally situated people who share similar day-to-day experiences. But who shares what I go through on a daily basis? I’m one-of-a-kind. No one is my equal. I can’t hang out with anyone without having to reach down to a lower social strata.”

“Instead of praising my magnificence, though, the media foments criticism and complaints,” Obama continued. “A person reading a newspaper or watching TV is given the impression that pretty much anyone has the right to criticize anything I’ve done or might do. I’m not saying that everyone has to like what I do, but if they can’t say something nice, why say anything at all? Where have people’s manners gone? Where’s the civility of discourse and show of deference to one’s betters that leaders used to be able to count on from those they rule?”

In related news, the BLT Restaurant chain used the occasion of a visit by the First Family to add an entree called the “Obama Burger” to its menu. The burger is a Kobe beef patty served with bacon and cheese at a price of $28. The chain characterized it as a “burger fit for a king.” Both the President and First Lady bypassed the burger and ordered an $81 steak. “Why would a king eat a burger when he could have a steak?” Michelle asked.

Dems Float “Reasonable Profits Board” Idea

A half-dozen House Democrats led by Representative Dennis Kucinich (Ohio) introduced a bill that would establish a new government agency aimed at insuring that no one makes an unreasonable amount of profit. The bill—the Gas Price Spike Act, H.R. 3784—is initially focused on excessive profits from oil and gas production.

“It’s not that the oil and gas industry is the only one ripping us off,” Kucinich said. “It’s just that we had to start somewhere. Right now, we think there’s enough anger and envy toward this industry that people will more readily accept the idea of a government bureau to control their profits.”

Kucinich maintained that “ideally, the amount of money anyone should be allowed to take from the common pool of society’s wealth should be subject to government oversight. Just because a person is luckier, smarter, or more ambitious doesn’t mean he has the right to take more than everyone else thinks is his fair share. The common good requires that everyone contribute to the best of his ability so there will be sufficient output to meet everyone’s needs. We are our brother’s keeper. It is government’s duty to enforce this moral obligation.”

As written, the bill would impose taxes of up to 100% on all “surplus earnings.” The bill’s co-sponsors include  Democratic Representatives John Conyers (Mich), Bob Filner (Calif.), Marcia Fudge (Ohio), Jim Langevin (R.I.), and Lynn Woolsey (Calif).

Campaign Ad Touts President’s Energy Policy

The first TV ad of President Obama’s reelection campaign boasts that “for the first time in 13 years, our dependence on foreign oil has dropped below 50%.”

The ad goes on to say that “the president’s two-pronged approach of reducing demand by boosting prices and diminishing economic activity is helping America break free of its addiction to energy consumption. Every car that remains parked in its garage because its owner is unemployed or can’t afford the higher gas prices the President has engineered means less pollution will be put into our air.”

The ad urges voters “to reward the President with reelection lest these dual coups of reduced vulnerability to foreign oil sources and cleaner air be undone by Republican efforts to line the pockets of greedy oil barons.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens Archives

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

President Obama’s refusal to acknowledge the Senate’s pro forma sessions as an impediment to his authority to make recess appointments was upheld by his Department of Justice last week.

“This country needs to be governed 24/7,” said Attorney General Eric Holder. “Things can’t be brought to a standstill just because the legislature isn’t in session. If the Senate won’t confirm the president’s actions when it is in session he is perfectly within his rights to act when they are out-of-session.”

Holder contended that “the President’s recess appointment authority applies to any and every smidgen of time that the Senate is not doing business—including overnight or even ‘bathroom breaks.’ The fact that previous Presidents may have allowed themselves to be stymied by pro forma ruses has no bearing on the legality of President Obama’s decision to go forward with his right to rule this country.”

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) who used pro forma sessions to block some of former President Bush’s nominees concurred with Holder’s assessment. “Just because Bush was cowed by our bluff doesn’t mean President Obama has to,” Reid bragged. “In fact, his governing vigor has set a new standard for all time.”

Court Voids Oklahoma Ban on Sharia Law

The three-member U.S. Tenth Circuit Court of Appeals overturned the voter-passed initiative blocking state courts from using Muslim sharia law to decide cases . The Court held that the initiative impeded plaintiff Muneer Awad’s right to fully practice his faith.

“U.S. secular law does not recognize concepts like ‘honor killings,’ ‘fatwas,‘ and the suppression of blasphemy that are fundamental to the Islamic faith,” the Court said. “Consequently, if the initiative were allowed to stand, Mr. Awad might be prosecuted for acts that his faith commands him to commit. This interferes with his right to religious freedom under theUnited   States’ Constitution.”

Non-Muslims were urged to protect themselves and avoid conflict by “staying out of Muslim areas, refraining from insensitive remarks, and showing a modicum of respect for Muslim values and practices. For example, so-called ‘honor killings’ are only carried out against Muslim women and girls. Non-Muslims aren’t at risk. So there is no danger that a person of differing religious beliefs would be harmed if sharia law is allowed to prevail within the Muslim community on this issue.”

Pepsi Pays Fine for Not Hiring Criminals

The Pepsi Beverages Co. paid a $3.1 million fine to settle federal charges of racial discrimination in its hiring. The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) assessed the fine, declaring that “screening job applicants for prior criminal records disproportionately affects blacks and Hispanics.”

“Everyone knows that minorities are more likely to be criminals than whites are,” said EEOC spokesman Clem Clodpate. “Consequently, screening for previous criminal history is, ipso facto, discriminatory.”

“Besides, Pepsi failed to demonstrate a business need for excluding criminals from being hired,” Clodpate added. “Who’s to say that a person with a criminal record couldn’t adequately perform the kind of mind-numbing and repetitive tasks associated with bottling, transporting, and selling beverages?”

Administration to Create Internet ID for Every American

White House Cybersecurity Coordinator Howard Schmidt announced that plans are underway to create an Internet ID for everyone in the country.

“Right now anyone can access the Internet, obtain information, disseminate opinions, and pretty much do whatever they want without the government knowing who they are and where they live,” Schmidt complained. “This is tantamount to anarchy. We have put up with it for far too long.”

Under the ID plan, the US Department of Commerce would compel all Internet service providers to give it access to all user accounts, names, and passwords. “We’re not saying that the days of anonymous postings are totally over,” Schmidt observed. “Identities will still be concealed from the general public if posters wish to use pseudonyms or screen names. It is not our intent to introduce a broad program of censorship. Only those who we perceive pose a threat will be interdicted.”

Schmidt admitted that the plan does entail some loss of privacy, but argued that “the sacrifice of this little bit of liberty needs to be weighed against the government’s responsibility to guarantee the security of the nation. Isn’t having the government poking around into your private affairs better than letting some nutjob attack our whole way of life?”

DOJ to Investigate Project Veritas

The latest venture of James O’Keefe’s Project Veritas may have gotten Attorney General Eric Holder’s attention. In an effort to prove how easy it might be to fraudulently cast a ballot on behalf a dead voter, Veritas volunteers entered precincts inNew Hampshire, gave the name of recently deceased persons, and were handed ballots.

Though no ballots were actually cast by any of the volunteers, the ease with which they could have been revealed the vulnerability of the system to vote fraud. Volunteers’ offers to show ID were mostly waved off as “unnecessary” by poll workers.

Calling the Project Veritas expose “an unauthorized invasion of our sacred voting process,” Attorney General Eric Holder vowed to “spare no effort in purging our system of these unwanted escapades. The responsibility for policing voting practices belongs to Party officials and law-enforcement agencies like the Department of Justice. We can’t allow publicity seeking outsiders to taint the process.”

Holder characterized the threat that unscrupulous persons might use the methods tested by Project Veritas to influence the outcome of any given election as minuscule. “Most elections are decided by margins of thousands of votes,” Holder pointed out. “Project Veritas only got a handful of undeserved ballots.”

The attorney general also said he wasn’t convinced that a person casting a ballot for a recently deceased voter was necessarily a bad thing. “We carry out the wishes of the dead all the time,” Holder asserted. “Who’s to say that a person casting a ballot for a departed loved one is wrong to do so? Maybe casting that vote is part of the grieving process. Should we really be so eager to attribute criminal intent?”

TSA Confiscates Cupcake

Those mocking the Transportation Security Administration for recently confiscating a passenger’s cupcake are missing the point says Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano.

“It’s not that we’re saying that a cupcake, per se, is a dangerous weapon,” Napolitano explained. “But the risk of a random confiscation of any item is a way of throwing a monkey-wrench into a potential terrorist’s plot.”

Napolitano also cited the collateral benefit to the TSA from “foraging off the land. You know,Sherman’s march to the sea wouldn’t have been possible if his troops didn’t take opportunities to seize supplies from the inhabitants ofGeorgiaandSouth Carolina. Seizing passengers’ property helps supplement the TSA’s resources and enables us to accomplish our mission under existing budget constraints.”

Million of Former Workers Join Leisure Class under Obama

The “improving” unemployment statistics being touted by the Obama Administration have been helped along by the nearly one million people who have left the workforce. The ballyhooed 8.5% unemployment rate would’ve been 9.1% if these people weren’t so discouraged that they’ve given up on the idea of ever finding a job.

“While I would never expect the Republicans to admit this, the fact is that Democratic policies are enabling a growing segment of our society to join the ranks of the leisure class,” boasted Democratic Nation Committee Chairperson, Representative Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (Fla). “It’s not as if everyone who has a job wants to work. I mean, having to eke out a living is an unpleasant chore for most people. Liberating a substantial number from this necessity is a major achievement of the Obama Administration.”

“Of course, the downside of not having a job is not having the wage that goes with it,” Wasserman-Schultz continued. “We’ve helped offset this with repeated extensions of unemployment compensation. If we can just eliminate the eligibility restrictions and make access to this compensation a permanent right we’ll be one step closer to the utopian dream where no one is forced to endure wage slavery just to put food on the table.”

A key task between now and November, according to Wasserman-Schultz, will be to try to convince enough additional out-of-work individuals to cease looking for jobs. “If we can get just another 6 million, or so, to drop out of the workforce we can get the unemployment statistic down below 5%,” she projected. “With numbers like that the President’s reelection and a Democratic majority in Congress would be assured.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens Archives

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Frustrated by his inability to get portions of his agenda passed by Congress, President Barack Obama has forged ahead making appointments and enacting programs without the Constitutionally required consent of the legislature.

The appointment of Richard Cordray to head the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau attracted the most attention. The appointment of Richard Griffin, Sharon Block and Terence Flynn to be on the National Labor Relations Board (NLRB) garnered less attention, but appears equally unconstitutional. The President also initiated a summer youths jobs program that Congress previously rejected.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky) criticized the appointments and single-handed enactment of the rejected youth program as “affronts to Congress’ Constitution role as a check on excessive Executive power.”

House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) pointed out that Obama’s own Department of Justice has argued before the Supreme Court that the “recess appointment authority claimed by the President does not suit these cases.”

Obama dismissed GOP complaints as “wailing in the wind. I can’t sit around and let important work languish just because some others may be opposed. The people ofAmericaelected me as their ruler and expect me to get things done. Obstructionists in Congress can’t seriously think I will be deterred by their whining If they want to try to do anything about it, well, the ball is in their court.”

McConnell admitted that he was not sanguine about Congress’ options for opposing this power grab. “Inasmuch as Congress recently approve sweeping Executive authority to detain anyone the President deems a threat, I don’t see that we have much latitude for action,” McConnell said. “None of us wants to end up in Gitmo.”

First Lady Requests to Be Addressed as “Your Excellency”

First Lady Michelle Obama expressed a desire that heretofore, those wishing to speak to her address her as “Your Excellency.” Apprised that the nation’s first president, George Washington rebuffed attempts to address him as “Your Excellency” in favor of the simpler band more modest “Mr. President,” the First Lady responded that “since Washington didn’t rank among our top presidents maybe he didn’t feel so excellent.”

It was just a few weeks ago that Michelle’s husband, President Barack Obama, ranked himself as the nation’s fourth best President—behind only Lyndon Johnson, Franklin Roosevelt, and Abraham Lincoln. George Washington didn’t even qualify for an “honorable mention.”

Pro Football Players’ Union Opposes Indiana Right-to-Work Law

The National Football League’s Players’ Association (NFLPA) warnedIndianalegislators not to pass a “right-to-work” law in their state. The proposed legislation would bar making union membership a requirement for holding a job.

Despite statistical data indicating that economic growth rates and per capita income growth is faster in states that have right-to-work laws, the NFLPA assailed such laws as “the wrong priority for Indiana. These laws undermine the incentive to place teamwork ahead of personal success. They reward selfishness rather than the  solidarity and sacrifice that has helped make the NFL the glue that holds our civilization together.”

While acknowledging that “the average working man could not hope to reap the kind of rewards from the kind of compulsory unionization that has so richly benefited the members of our organization, he can still be a team player by urging his elected representative to vote against this legislation,” the NFLPA statement read. “We need to stand on principle here and recognize that when it comes right down to it, a person’s right to be a member of a union, whether he wants to or not, must not be restricted.”

President Makes Top Ten List

President Barack Obama made Judicial Watch’s list of 2011′s “Ten Most Corrupt” politicians. Judicial Watch is a public policy organization that focuses on malfeasance, misfeasance, influence peddling and graft among government officials (www.judicialwatch.org). It is the fifth straight year that Obama has made the list.

The key accomplishment for the President’s ascendancy this past year was the $500 million flop of the Solyndra Corp. The Obama Administration reversed a Bush Administration decision and awarded tax dollars to this poorly run company as payback to a major Obama campaign donor named George Kaiser.

Undeterred by the sordid facts, Obama continues to insist that the waste of taxpayer money “was a noble experiment aimed at a better future for our planet.”

Additional achievements contributing to the President’s place on the list included under-the-table funding for ACORN despite a Congressional ban and abusing NLRB authority in an effort to reward Democratic Party-backing unions by impeding Boeing from opening a plant in a right-to-work state.

Prison sentences handed out to Obama’sChicagoassociates Tony Rezko and former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich add additional luster to the President’s ranking among others on the top ten list.

Top Ten Most Corrupt co-list member Representative Maxine Waters (D-CA) cautioned observers to realize that the list is arranged alphabetically. “The only reason why the President shows up ahead of me is because his name—Obama—comes before mine—Waters—in the alphabet,” Waters pointed out. “It doesn’t mean that he’s better than me or has done more than I have to warrant his spot on this list.”

The President said, “I detect a slight aroma of ‘sour grapes’ in Maxine’s remarks. Let’s not overlook the fact that Attorney General Eric Holder also made the list. Inasmuch as he works for me, I don’t think it’s out of line for me to claim some of the credit for his inclusion on the list. Clearly, reasonable people will have to conclude that were the list to be in order of merit I would most certainly place ahead of her.”

Chevy Volt among Worst Product Flops of 2011

Pitched to the American voter as the vanguard of a “greener” future, the heavily subsidized Chevy Volt was dubbed one of the worst product flops of 2011 by Yahoo Finance’s 24/7 Wall Street site. The low sales volume—an estimated 8,000 vehicles for 2011 (all of which are currently under recall notices to correct defects)–has made the effective unit cost for each car amount to around $250,000.

Representative Hansen Clarke (D-Mich) insists that “despite the reluctance of the American driver to buy these cars we must not falter in our efforts to make them understand the necessity for government’s role in ensuring the Volt’s survival. Its not just about dollars and cents. Sure there are cars that get better mileage and have superior performance characteristics, but our government is backing the Volt. If we want to be good citizens and patriotic Americans we need to put the government’s choice ahead of our own selfish preferences.”

United Autoworkers Local 22 President, George McGregor, argued that “people who are loyal to the President will put the good of the country ahead of their own private interests. Just because you can buy a better car for less money shouldn’t deter you from getting behind the President’s push for the Volt. Jobs are at stake. Isn’t that more important than whether your personal vehicle is the best value?”

Whether increased sales of the Volt would have a significant impact on jobs within theUSis in doubt. General Motors is reportedly planning on moving production of the vehicle toChina.

Agency Says High School Diploma May Not Be Used as Hiring Requirement

The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) is warning employers that requiring new hires to have a high school diploma violates federal law.

“The deplorable performance and almost total lack of standards exhibited by the nation’s public schools cast a pall of considerable doubt over the equity and utility of using high school graduation as a criteria for employing a person,” declared Daniel Blunt, spokesman for the EEOC.

“Supposing a person has a diploma, what does this signify?” Blunt asked. “Standardized tests reveal that a remarkably large percentage of high school graduates are distressingly stupid. Even if graduates are less stupid than non-graduates as a general rule, using a diploma as a purported screening device is still suspect.”

“Supposing a person lacks a diploma, does this mean he or she doesn’t need a job?” Blunt continued. “I’d argue that those without diplomas are among the most needy. Employers have no right to reject these people just because it might cost them money if they hire an incompetent person. It should be clear by now that this Administration will not allow pursuit of profit, performance, or efficiency to trample human rights.”

In place of using a high school diploma as a guide to hiring practices, the EEOC advised employers to develop “job-related” criteria. Whether an employer’s adopted criteria is adequately job-related is a judgment that the EEOC reserves the right to make on a case-by-case basis. Employers are cautioned against assuming they can simply copy criteria the EEOC has previously approved for similarly situated firms.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens Archives

Reading of Constitution in House Assailed

Jan 9

The new Republican majority’s insistence on an oral reading of the US Constitution in the House of Representatives was assailed by outspoken Democrats as “a colossal waste of our precious time.”

“Get real,” demanded Representative Jerrold Nadler (D-NY). “We don’t even have the time to read the bills we pass much less this ancient screed that no one takes serious anymore. Our job is to give the American people the government they need. We shouldn’t be limited by the quaint notions of men who died 200 years ago.”

Leftist loon of the TV show “The View,” Joy Behar wondered if “this reverence for an archaic scrap of paper is getting out of hand. The real agenda of these tea party Republicans is to use this document to handcuff Congress. Instead of just letting Congress and the President do what’s needed for this country, they want to restrict them to what is authorized in some hoary old piece of writing.”

Arizona Sheriff Defends Actions

Jan 16

Pima County Sheriff Clarence Dupnik rejected the argument that his office might bear more responsibility for the assassination attempt on Representative Gabrielle Giffords (D-Az) than Sarah Palin or Rush Limbaugh.

“There are those who say that considering the numerous death threats Jared Loughner has made against various persons over the last year my office should have taken action against him before his Tucsonshooting spree,” Dupnik said. “But these threats were against unimportant people and therefore of admittedly narrow scope.

The broader threat was, and continues to be, that of right-wing extremism. Palin and Limbaugh are the foremost proponents of this extremism. As such, they are a bigger danger than one lone gunman.”

“Even though people are saying that there is no evidence that Loughner took inspiration from talk radio, that he never listened to Limbaugh’s show, that he doesn’t even know who Sarah Palin is doesn’t change the fact that the poisonous atmosphere spewing from the right is undermining support for the current Administration,” Dupnik continued. “Why, just last November the negative impact of these enemies of the President resulted in Republicans seizing control of the House of Representatives.

This will do more to thwart his agenda than a 100 Jared Loughners ever could.”

Constitution Mandates Health Care Say Representatives

Jan 23

In the midst of the Republican move to repeal last year’s health care legislation, several Democratic members of Congress advanced their case for the Constitutionality of the legislation.

Representative John Lewis (D-Georgia) sought to rebut the Republican case for repealing the law by arguing that “the right to health care is mandated by the Constitution.” As Lewis sees it, “The Constitution’s 14th Amendment guarantees equal protection under the law. That means if one person has health insurance then it is the government’s responsibility to make sure everyone has it.”

The Congressman rejected the GOP claim that forcing a person to purchase a product he may not want infringes on his liberty. “The concept of liberty is too vague to really be enforceable,” Lewis argued. “As I understand what the GOP is saying, liberty appears to mean that the government’s authority ought to be restricted in some way. I don’t see how the government can be expected to enforce restrictions on itself. I could also point out that the Constitution’s Preamble, where the word ‘liberty’ appears, has been superseded by the 14th Amendment’s subsequent guarantee of equality.”

Bolstering Lewis’ point, Representative Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex) maintained that “health care is a right that the government has the power to enforce whether people like it or not. We can’t let people pick and choose which rights they want to exercise and which they don’t. Forcing everyone to enjoy the same rights is the only way we can ensure equality for all.”

Meanwhile, Representative John Conyers (D-Mich) insisted that “the Constitution’s ‘good and welfare’ clause is all the justification we need to support the Constitutionality of the health care law. We force people to do things all the time. We force them to pay for Social Security. We force them to undergo x-ray screening at airports. If the government decides a citizen’s welfare requires him to pay for health care insurance he must pay for it. We are the law makers. Citizens must do what the laws we make tell them to do.”

Internet “Kill Switch” Legislation Introduced Again

Feb 6

One of the ways in which the Mubarak regime tried to quell opposition was to shut down the Internet in Egypt. The idea was to block anti-government forces from communicating with one another. While this action has been widely viewed as an illegitimate attempt to interfere with freedom of speech, legislation conveying a similar authority to the President of the United Stateshas been reintroduced by Senator Susan Collins (R-Maine).

The bill—“The Protecting Cyberspace as a National Asset Act of 2010” (S.3480)—was originally introduced last year by Senator Joe Lieberman (D-Conn). It would give the President the power to declare an emergency and take control over the Internet in the US in order to block all unauthorized use.

Dems Oppose Blocking Federal Funding of Abortion

Feb 13

Key Democrats came out against legislation (H.R. 3 and H.R. 358) sponsored by Representatives Chris Smith (R-NJ) and Joe Pitts (R-Penn) that would block the use of federal money to pay for abortions and would protect health care providers who are morally opposed to abortion from being forced to provide it.

Speaking at a press conference to announce opposition to the legislation, Representative Diana DeGette (D-Col) vowed her “implacable resistance to any attempt to place limits on abortion. Women must not be denied this fundamental right because of their inability to pay for it out of their own pocket.”

DeGette rejected the suggestion that pro-choice proponents establish a fund to cover the costs of those unable to pay, stating that “it is unfair to compel a portion of the population to bear the whole burden of our collective responsibility to assist the less fortunate. A person should not have to rely on charity to secure her rights.”

Representative Anthony Weiner (D-NY) also attacked the bills. “We are a pro-choice country,” he declared. “Women have a Constitutional right to abortion. Impeding this right in any way is a virtual a declaration of war against women. In this war I stand with women and against those who would subjugate them.”

Weiner adamantly assailed “the idea that health care providers should be permitted to insert their own moral values into the equation. If the law declares that medical practitioners must provide pregnancy termination services as a condition of licensing then no nonconforming scruples can be allowed to interfere.”

Obama Administration Won’t Cooperate with Congressional Inquiries

Feb 20

A request by Representative Darrell Issa (R-Calif), Chairman of the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform, for testimony on the President’s “stimulus package” was rejected by the White House. At issue was the so-called Romer-Bernstein report (authored by Jared Bernstein, Vice President Joe Biden’s top economic adviser, and Christina Romer, the former head of the White House Council of Economic Advisors). The report portrays the stimulus package as a great success.
The White House has cleared Romer and Bernstein to appear on television to discuss it.

“If they can go on TV why can’t they testify in Congress?” asked Issa spokesman Kurt Bardella. “With unemployment at 9%, home foreclosures at distressingly high levels, and government budgets at all levels bleeding red ink we’d like to hear more about the reasoning behind the idea that the package was a success.”

Obama spokesman Reid Cherlin explained that “it is the GOP’s persistently hostile attitude toward the President’s agenda that is blocking the requested testimony. Why should Romer or Bernstein be thrown into the ‘lion’s den’ at a Republican hearing when we can still get our message out through a more friendly medium?”

President Defends Stimulus Cost

Feb 27

After the Congressional Budget Office issued estimates that the jobs “created” or “saved” by the federal stimulus program cost between $200,000 and $500,000 apiece, President Obama stoutly defended it.

“Those figures are just averages,” Obama argued. “The implication that every job was this costly is an unfair inference. Many of the jobs created were in the low income range, but the average was ballooned upward by the necessity to save expensive jobs on Wall Street and in corporate management. Over all, we provided opportunities across a wide spectrum of social classes, not just for the ‘six-figure’ guys.”

“And let’s not forget that not all of the money went to wages and salary,” Obama added. “Parceling out large sums of money isn’t easy. There’s overhead, handling, and vigorish that have to be paid, as well.”

Prez Says “Tea Party” Movement Racist

Mar 6

In a new book—Family of Freedom: Presidents and African Americans in the White House, by Newsweek reporter Kenneth Walsh—President Barack Obama is said to have characterized the so-called Tea Party movement as “racist.”

At a White House dinner party for political supporters the President pointed out that “the preceding 43 white presidents never had to face the kind of opposition I’ve had to face with these tea baggers. I find it very telling that such a movement only came to life after the first Black man took control of the government.”

“I mean, there have been some inept white men running the show,” the President continued. “I wouldn’t expect these right-wingers to go after guys like Reagan or Bush. But what about Jimmy Carter? Stagflation, gas lines, hostages—they were all on his watch. But he got a pass because he’s white. I think if we look closely at the facts the only coherent explanation we can come up with is racism.”

Feds Say They Can Strip-Search Anyone, Anytime

Mar 13

In response to a legal challenge to their warrant-less searches of air travelers, the Department of Homeland Security advanced the argument that it is authorized to conduct whatever searches it wants, whenever it wants, and wherever it wants.

“Our mandate under the Patriot Act is to keep this country safe,” said Secretary Janet Napolitano. “We cannot shy away from this duty out of misplaced concern for privacy lest the enemies of our government exploit such a weakness for their own malicious ends.”

Napolitano asserted that “air travelers or anyone venturing into any public place is assumed to have given implied consent to any measure we deem appropriate for carrying out our mandate. Being ogled, stripped, or probed are minor inconveniences compared to being blown to bits in a man-caused disaster.”

Dems Say More Domestic Oil Will Decrease Employment

Mar 20

Representatives Rob Andrews (D-NJ) and Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (D-Fla) warned that GOP efforts to open moreUSterritory for oil drilling will decrease job opportunities.

“We can’t let ourselves panic over high fuel prices,” said Andrews. “On the surface, the high costs of driving look like they’d be bad for our economy. But when you really think about it, restricting access to cheap energy will actually help the economy grow.”

“If gasoline costs more people will be forced to buy more fuel-efficient cars like the Chevy Volt,” Andrews pointed out. “This creates jobs for General Motors. On top of that, we will need to build more electric charging stations to refill the batteries. Since recharging batteries takes considerably longer than refilling a gas tank drivers will need to kill time waiting. This will create a demand for something to do while waiting. This also will mean jobs for restaurants near recharging stations, video game manufacturers and the like.”

Representative Wasserman-Schultz seconded Andrews comments adding that “we need to consider the longer term outlook. Our current way of living is unsustainable. Oil is a finite resource. We need to move toward an economy based on infinite resources like wind and solar power. We’ve barely tapped these sources. Building windmills and solar collectors will employ millions.”

President Justifies Bypassing Congress on Libyan Attack

Mar 27

President Obama rebuffed critics of his approval of military attacks on the armed forces of Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhaffi.

“Let me say first that the assertion that I should have consulted Congress prior to authorizing our military intervention is based on an incorrect premise,” the President said. “It’s true that only Congress can declare war. However, there is no war. What I have authorized is best defined as ‘Kinetic Military Action.’”

Thus far, the “Kinetic Military Action” has entailed missile attacks on the tanks, troops, and aircraft deployed by Gadhaffi’s army. Though these types of attacks are among the actions most people would normally characterize as “war,” Obama stubbornly contended “I don’t see it that way.”

The president additionally argued that “obtaining Congressional approval for these attacks was unnecessary because they had already been cleared by the United Nations, which is, I think we’d all agree, a higher level of authority than the legislature of a single nation.”

“And it’s not as if I didn’t inform Congress of what was going on,” the president pointed out. “I sent them a rather nice letter outlining the steps I had taken and indicating the funds they would need to appropriate to support the costs of the operation.”

The president also denied that there was any contradiction with his 2007 statement that the President lacked the Constitutional authority to unilaterally authorize a military attack. “In 2007 we had an untrustworthy occupant in the Oval Office,” Obama argued.

“As a senator it was my duty to oppose his deployment of troops. Obviously, that situation no longer applies.”

Senator Carl Levin (D-Mich), chairman of the Senate Armed Services Committee, endorsed the President’s action saying, “not only is it a question of the need for speed, but there’s also the chance that Congress might not have approved of the attacks. That would’ve made the President look weak. That wouldn’t have been good for the country. In matters of war and peace it is vital that we stand united behind our leader.”

Dems to Play “Hard Ball” on Government Shutdown

Apr 3

Undaunted by polls showing a majority of Americans aren’t opposed to a partial shutdown of the federal government if that’s what it takes to get deeper cuts in the deficit, leaders of the Democratic Party vowed to “make any shutdown as painful as we have to.”

President Obama asserted that “what many people don’t realize is that government spending is the vital fluid of our nation’s prosperity. Cutting it back by even one percent would be like putting a tourniquet around the economy’s neck. I can’t allow Congress to take such a dangerous course. If I have to I will use my authority as Commander-in-Chief to ensure that this doesn’t happen.”

“Voters should be careful of what they wish for,” added Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev). “They imagine that the President will put some bureaucrats on furlough for a couple of days a month or that programs they see as nonessential, like federal funding of the arts, will take the hit. Let’s see how they like it when their Social Security checks stop coming or the public schools are closed.”

In federal government “shutdowns” during the Reagan, Bush and Clinton Administrations furloughing nonessential bureaucrats was the main cost-saving step taken. Care was taken to continue spending for programs considered necessary for the nation’s safety and well-being. These included, among other things, law enforcement, national defense and Social Security payments. However, these were discretionary decisions made by nation’s Chief Executive. President Obama is under no legal obligation to adhere to this precedent.

President Urges Consumers to “Get used to Higher Gas Prices”

Apr 10

Calling higher prices “a key incentive for conserving,” President Obama told an audience of 500 employees at the Gamesa Technology Corp., a wind turbine manufacturing plant in Pennsylvania, that “we need to get used to higher gas prices for the sake of our environment.”

“There is no gain without at least a little pain,” the President argued. “Paying a few dollars more at the pump will encourage people to cut back on unnecessary trips and use public transit when they have to travel. If we’re going to save the planet we all have to make sacrifices.”

As an example of what a person could do, the president cited the fact that “I work from a home office. I’m not driving to work, burning hydrocarbons, adding to traffic congestion and air pollution. And when I find I do have to go out I never drive alone. I always carpool with a couple of bodyguards. If others would just do the same even if only for one or two days a week we’d make a significant contribution to solving our environmental problems. So, just think of higher fuel prices as kind of a ‘stick’ to help persuade more people to make the changes in their behavior that are required to clean the air.”

“Of course, the upside for you here at Gamesa is that when people can’t afford the high cost of fossil fuels they’ll be buying your products,” Obama pointed out. “That’ll mean more jobs and more profits for you.”

Obama Says Failure to Raise Debt Ceiling Will Wreck Global Economy

Apr 17

President Obama issued a dire prediction of global economic catastrophe should Congress fail to raise the federal government’s debt ceiling.

“This is no time for fooling around or playing politics on this critical issue,” Obama declared. “USGovernment spending is the driving force of global prosperity. Without it businesses and individuals would be forced to make their own decisions on what to produce, how to produce it, and where to sell it. We need government to ensure that resources are used wisely and distributed equitably to avert the chaos of unfettered capitalism.”

A few examples of capitalistic chaos were cited by the President. “Left to its own devices, the free market is profiteering on the production of ‘gas-guzzling’ cars, big-screen TVs, and fat-laden diets,” Obama complained. “This is not my vision for how we win the future. We need ‘green’ vehicles like the Volt, or better yet, high-speed passenger rail to effect the kind of transformation I have promised to the American people. And we’ve got to get more control over what people put in their mouths. Government needs to have the funds it requires to carry out the mission I’ve laid out for it.”

The president explained that “Because Congress refuses to increase taxes more borrowing is the only way we can keep the spending flowing,” the President continued. “Ideally, we ought to eliminate the idea of placing a ceiling on government borrowing. But at a minimum Congress must provide the leeway needed by raising the ceiling high enough to accommodate the extra trillions we will need to spend during my time in office.”

The president’s current position on the debt ceiling is a reversal of the stand he took in 2006 when, as a Senator, he voted against increasing it because “raising the amount that the government is allowed to borrow rewards the undisciplined profligacy of a runaway deficit.” Obama reconciled his changed stance by saying that “Bush’s deficit was caused by wasting the country’s resources on tax cuts. Mine is the result of desperately needed investments inAmerica’s future.”

Not everyone in government sees the situation as dire. Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke agreed that “while it would be easier to inflate the money supply by continuing to buy Government debt, that isn’t our only option. Should reaching the debt ceiling prohibit the Treasury from issuing more bonds we could still create new money and just deposit it into their accounts so they could continue to fund all existing programs. Of course, this would make the Fed’s debasement of the currency more obvious, but it’s still doable.”

America Is Not “Broke” Says Credit Suisse

Apr 24

While Standard & Poor’s reclassification of the US Federal Government’s debt situation from “stable” to “negative” shook financial markets around the globe, Credit Suisse offered a contrary perspective.

“If you confine your analysis to the resources currently available to the US Government things do, indeed, look perilous,” observed Credit Suisse spokesman Pierre Petit. “Default seems inevitable. However, there is more than sufficient wealth in private hands to cover the outstanding obligations.”

Petit laid out the “math.” “Outstanding debt is in the $14 trillion range,” he pointed out. “There is no way this can be serviced, much less paid off under existing tax rates. But who says tax rates cannot be changed? Right now, there is an estimated $57 trillion worth of assets in private hands in theUnited   States. A 25% capital levy on these assets would net the Government about $14 trillion—enough to wipe out all of the current debt.”

The Credit Suisse input was warmly welcomed by President Obama. “It supports what I’ve been saying and polls have been confirming, the rich aren’t paying their fair share,” the Present asserted. “A one-time levy of 25% on everyone’s net worth would wipe out the debt and give us a fresh start.”

President Campaigns against a “Shrunken America”

May 1

President Obama highlighted what is likely to be one of the major themes of his bid for another term as the nation’s chief executive.

“Republicans are the Party for a ‘shrunken America,’” the President claimed. “They want to shrink the size of government. They demand that we shrink the amount government is investing in our future. They envision a shrunken federal labor force. They place fiscal restraint ahead of my program of hope and change.”

The president predicted that “voters will see through Republican contentions that there are limits to what can be achieved by an aggressive public sector. We have shown that with the backing of the Federal Reserve there need be no cap on what the government can spend to promote the general welfare. There is no need to hold back out of an irrational fear that there won’t be enough money. We can create as much as we need.”

President Almost Single-Handedly Kills bin Laden

May 8

Osama bin Laden, al-Qaeda mastermind of the 9-11 attack onAmerica, was slain at his hideout inPakistanlast weekend by the incredibly brave and gutsyUSPresident Barack Obama’s timely action.

Admittedly, others may have played minor supporting roles. Interrogators working under former President George Bush may have extracted vital information from captured terrorists using now forbidden techniques. Military experts may have used this information to craft an assault plan. An elite team of Navy Seals may have successfully carried out the assault plan using stealth technology that enabled them to penetrate Pakistani territory without being detected. But none of this would have been possible without the President’s key vote of “present” when it came time to give the go ahead.

“The president could’ve easily said ‘no,’” Presidential Press Secretary Jay Carney pointed out. “That would’ve brought everything to a halt. Allowing others to proceed by voting ‘present’ was the critical component of the operation. For this the President is owed the eternal gratitude of everyone on the planet.”

The government ofPakistanchallenged theUStake on the operation asserting that “if it hadn’t been for our policy of coddling bin Laden within our country for so many years he wouldn’t have become so complacent and, thus, such an easy target for the Americans. They have us to thank for the lack of resistance on bin Laden’s part and the absence of casualties among the invading forces.”

Court Rules Police May Enter Any Home Anytime

May 15

In a stunning reversal of nearly 800 years of common law, the Indiana Supreme Court ruled 3-2 that homeowners have no right to refuse entry to police at any time for any reason.

Writing for the majority, Justice Steven David asserted that “if a police officer wants to enter a home for any reason, or for no reason, the homeowner is not entitled to refuse, resist, or in any manner impede that entry. A right to resist an unlawful police entry into a home is against public policy and is incompatible with modern Fourth Amendment jurisprudence. The proper course for a homeowner who feels that an officer has acted illegally is to file a civil suit after the alleged improper entry has taken place.”

Justice David argued that “the archaic notion that a person’s home is his castle is an invitation to escalation. A situation in which police have executed a ‘no knock’ break-in into a home is already fraught with danger. If inhabitants think they have a right to resist, police may be compelled to deploy deadly force against what may turn out to be innocent parties. A uniform policy of obedience toward the police at all times would avoid this.”

The Court was unmoved by evidence that in some home invasion robberies criminals pretend to be the police to help gain entry. “In such rare instances the victims could subsequently call the real police for assistance,” David wrote. “On balance, though, it is clear that in most instances cooperation with whoever is breaking into your home—whether it be criminals or the police—seems likely to be the safest option.”

Legislation May Restrict Investors’ Access to 401(k)s

May 22

Concerned that “short term desires to put food on the table may interfere with the Government’s ability to adequately control the nation’s resources,” legislation that would limit people access to their 401(k) funds has been introduced in Congress.

A Bill titled the Savings Enhancement by Alleviating Leakage in 401(k)s Act, otherwise known as the SEAL Act, was jointly introduced by Senators Herb Kohl (D-Wis) and Mike Enzi (R-Wyo). The legislation aims to reduce the number of loans a person can take out using his 401(k) as security.

“There is a risk that too many people will put personal needs ahead of the national interest,” Kohl warned. “The Government allowed 401(k)s in order to encourage workers to put aside money for the future. The notion that this is solely for the benefit of the individual is erroneous. The Government needs to be able to get its hands on this money in case of an emergency. It won’t be able to do that if the funds are depleted by their owners.”

UK National Health Service Dangerous for Elderly

May 29

Denial of treatment for those deemed “too old to invest in” isn’t the only hazard faced by those entrusted to the United Kingdom’s National Health Service (NHS). Dehydration and starvation also take a toll. A recent study by the Care Quality Commission (CQC) indicated that dehydration contributes to 800 deaths and malnutrition to 300 deaths per year among those housed in NHS hospitals.

Spokesperson for the Hospital Workers Union, Mildred Ratched, placed the blame primarily on the doctors. “Our people are just following orders,” Ratched said. “If the doctors wanted these patients to have food and water they should have prescribed it.”

A secondary factor cited by Ms. Ratched was the patients themselves. “Even when we do bring food a lot of them don’t eat it,” she said. “How is that our fault?”

CQC criticized the NHS procedure of simply dumping off food while a patient was asleep and taking away the untouched meal a short while later while the patient was still asleep. Ratched defended the procedure as “part of our negotiated work rules. There has to be a schedule. If we have to accommodate different dining times for different patients we should get extra pay.”

Congressman Unsure on Lewd Photo

June 5

The scandal involving the transmission of a lewd photograph to 21 year-old college student Gennette Cordova via his “Twitter” account has Representative Anthony Weiner (D-NY) wondering what happened.

In response to the question of whether he is the person in the photo, Weiner replied, “You know, I’m not sure. Like any normal guy, I’ve fooled around with my camera—including taking pictures of myself. So, I guess it could be me in the photo, but I don’t remember sending it to that girl in Washington. That’s why I think my account must have been hacked.”

Weiner said it is unlikely that he will be calling for an investigation of the alleged hacking because “after all, who was hurt? Regardless of who sent the picture, it’s no big thing. I’m sure college girls see guys in their underwear, or less, a lot. I mean, isn’t it at colleges where streaking is done? I think just dropping the whole thing would be the best course for me and for America. Besides, all the attention to this is upsetting my wife.”

Fellow New Yorker, Senator Charles Schumer (D), agreed, “The media is making a mountain out of a molehill. If it’s okay for a President to get a blow job from an intern, why is a photo of a congressman in his underwear a federal case? Let’s not lose our perspective. It’s only a small peccadillo. We need to move on.”

Homeland Security Urges More Citizens to Spy on Neighbors

June 12

Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano warned Americans not to take the slaying of Osama bin-Laden as a cue to ease up on our vigilance. “Al-Qaeda is not the only threat to our government,” Napolitano said. “Enemies are everywhere.”

Because enemies are everywhere Napolitano urged everyone to keep an eye out for signs of trouble. “If you know of people in your neighborhood who have guns let us know,” the Secretary requested. “If you overhear conversations that are critical of government policies or programs give us a call.”

Napolitano counseled against “letting hazy conceptions about Constitutional rights deter anyone from reporting suspicious activity. An attitude of ‘zero tolerance’ should be everyone’s ‘rule-of-thumb.’ Don’t hold anything back. Let the courts decide who’s guilty. That’s their job, not yours. You shouldn’t try to judge for yourself whether what you see or hear may be innocent behavior.”

Administration Weighing Whether to Invade Belgium

June 19

Giddy with its success in fending off Congressional interference with its Libyan intervention, the Obama Administration is said to be assessing whether to take similar steps toward Belgium.

“For more than a year now Belgium has had no government,” Secretary of State Hillary Clinton observed. “There hasn’t been any panic yet, but how long can we rely upon the traditional lethargy of the Belgians to keep things from getting out of hand?”

It’s not as if everything has come to a halt in Belgium. Shops are open. Factories continue to manufacture goods. Even government offices and officers are still on the job. The problem is there is no parliament to pass new laws and no recognized prime minister with which leaders of other nations can confer.

“It’s a situation fraught with peril,” Clinton insisted. “Without a government no new initiatives can be undertaken to deal with emerging crises. People will be left to themselves to figure out how to solve problems. It’s a humanitarian disaster waiting to happen.”

Treasury Secretary Makes Case for Higher Taxes

June 26

In testimony before a House of Representatives Committee, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner argued that higher taxes are needed “to forestall a potentially disastrous shrinkage of government.”

Representative Renee Ellmers (R-NC) challenged Geithner’s assertion pointing out that “government spending in this country now consumes almost two-thirds of the income generated by the private sector—the most ever in our history. This is hardly a shrinkage of government.”

“I didn’t say government was shrinking,” Geithner replied. “I was warning that it could shrink if we don’t find more revenue to feed it. A lot of people don’t understand that government is the crucial entity in our society. Unless it has the resources it needs to channel behavior toward socially beneficial purposes there’ll be no direction for our economy. My point is, why let the nation’s dwindling resources be squandered by an anarchic private sector when we can salvage them for the public good through targeted tax hikes?”

Senator Blames Voters for Current Mess in Government

July 3

Former presidential candidate Senator John Kerry (D-Mass) laid the blame for the nation’s current troubles at the feet of the American electorate.

“Look, if voters had elected me instead of Bush we wouldn’t be in the mess we’re in right now,” Kerry maintained. “The obvious benefit, of course, is that Bush would’ve been sent to early retirement. But let’s not overlook the likelihood that we’d now be in the midst of my second term instead of suffering under the incompetent ministrations of the current Administration. At worst, Barack Obama would now be a junior senator from Illinois. That’d have to be better than where we are now.”

To bolster his point, Senator Kerry referenced recent data on President Obama’s work schedule. “The guy’s working less than four hours a day,” Kerry pointed out. “That’s a lot of slacking off for the supposed most powerful man on the planet. I mean, he’s played more golf in two years than Bush did in eight, for crying out loud. The American people aren’t getting their money’s worth if you ask me.”

Council of Economic Advisers Hails Success of Stimulus Program

July 10

The president’s Council of Economic Advisers announced that President Obama’s $800 billion stimulus program saved up to 3.6 million jobs at a cost of “only $278,000” apiece.

“It’s really a remarkable accomplishment given the dire state of the economy when he took office,” Austan Goolsbee, Chairman of the Council of Economic Advisers concluded. “A great catastrophe was surely averted by the President’s heroic action.”

A little math might lead to a different appraisal of the President’s program. The average household income in America is less than $50,000 per year. Mailing a check for that amount to each of the 3.6 million who got the saved jobs would’ve cost only $180 billion. Where did the other $620 billion of the President’s stimulus spending go?

According to Goolsbee, “the situation is more complicated than the typical American can comprehend. We couldn’t just write a check to every unemployed person. There had to be planning and oversight. That costs money. On top of this there are commissions, finders’ fees and overhead. That doesn’t come cheap. Finally, there’s also a certain amount of ‘shrinkage’ involved in any business transaction—money that just disappears and can’t be accounted for. In my opinion, a net of one $50,000 job for each $278,000 in federal outlays is not a bad rate of return for a government project of this magnitude.”

Meanwhile, the Canadian economy, which mirrored our recession until early 2009, is doing considerably better today. Canadian unemployment is down to 7.4%–all without a “stimulus” program of its own.

Federal Election Commission May Be Asked to Bar Candidates from Displaying Flag

July 24

A research paper published in Psychological Science has spurred concern among leading Democrats that Republicans may gain an unfair advantage when the American flag is displayed at campaign events. The study—“A Single Exposure to the American Flag Shifts Support Toward Republicanism up to 8 Months Later”—confirmed a recent Harvard professor’s finding that children attending Fourth of July celebrations were more likely to favor Republicans later in life.

Democratic Nation Committee Chairperson, Representative Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (D-Fla) is reportedly weighing whether to ask the Federal Election Commission (FEC) to step in. “It is important that we have a ‘level playing field’ for all Parties,” she asserted. “Allowing one Party to benefit from voters’ visceral patriotism conveys an unfair advantage to Republican candidates.”

Wasserman-Schultz maintained that “the simplest solution would be to prohibit the display of the American flag at campaign events. I’m not talking about just the candidates’ rallies. The ban should include so-called independent gatherings of groups like the Tea Party or others that would be apt to want to show the flag. I mean, it’s not like using the flag is essential. Candidates can develop their own attractive logos like President Obama did for his 2008 campaign.”

President Mulling Amnesty Proclamation

July 31

In a speech before the National Council of La Raza, an organization dedicated to promoting the interests of the Latino “race,” President Obama commiserated with the “pain” of illegal immigrants and shared his frustration with what he called a “do nothing” Congress.

Obama said “the idea of bypassing Congress is very tempting. Getting a hundred senators and 400 representatives to take action on anything is like herding cats. Everybody’s got their own notions of where we ought to go. On top of this, many serve constituencies comprised of rednecks and rubes. So even if their hearts are in the right place they can’t risk alienating voters in their states.”

The president said he has been studying President Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation as a possible model for a potential “Amnesty Proclamation” he might issue. “There’s actually more leeway for a declaration of amnesty for undocumented residents than there was for Lincoln to free the slaves,” Obama argued. “The Constitution specifically provided for slavery. The Constitution says nothing about prohibiting immigration. In fact, up until the 1920s anyone who wanted to could come into America.”

“An Executive Order declaring that every undocumented immigrant presently in the country shall be granted the full rights and privileges of US citizenship would cancel the inaction of Congress and make a significant stride toward the expansion of human rights for an oppressed people,” the President told the audience. “I mean, how long should a respect for so-called enumerated powers be allowed to impede such a righteous cause?”

State Senator Apologizes for Mafia Slur

Aug 7

Saying that she wasn’t too proud to admit a mistake, New York State Senator Diane Savino (D-North Shore/Brooklyn) apologized for calling the Tea Party “the new mafia.”

“Since my remarks a lot of people have told me that my comparison was unfair,” Savino said. “The mafia has made some positive contributions to our society that they don’t get enough credit for. They provide services and products that others are afraid to provide because they’re illegal. They stimulate the employment of police officers as well as help supplement the incomes of our men in blue.”

Britain’s Crackdown on Rioters, Looting Denounced

Aug 14

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad denounced British authorities for what he termed a “violent and unjustified suppression of freedom of expression.” The “freedom of expression” has been manifested mostly by rampaging youths looting shops and robbing passersby in a week-long protest of the government’s proposal to trim future welfare payments.

“The Godlessness of Western society has come back to bite them,” Ahmadinejad said. “Deprived of the discipline of faith, we must expect young people to lash out at those who have neglected their instruction. The secular greed of the protestors is a predictable outcome of this neglect.”

On the home front, looters professing to be “taking advances on payments owed to us” and “showing the rich that we can do whatever we want” were excused by Labour Party spokesman Rob Steele. “Inequality is an injustice that government welfare programs have been designed to mitigate,” Steele contended. “The Conservative Government’s proposed cuts to these programs tip the balance back toward injustice. Who can blame the prospective victims from taking matters into their own hands?”

Ahmadinejad encouraged the United Nations to send peace keepers to help restore order. “The British Government has proven itself incapable of maintaining a just, orderly, and pious society,” Ahmadinejad said. “External intervention to displace this oppressive regime is warranted. Iran stands ready to contribute troops to a UN-sponsored army of occupation.”

Food Stamp Record Hailed as Triumph

Aug 21

While most economists would see the record number of Americans currently receiving food stamps as a bad sign, the Obama Administration’s Secretary of Agriculture, Tom Vilsack, is touting it as a triumph for the President’s policies.

“The idea that people depending on the government to get fed is a bad thing reflects archaic thinking,” Vilsack maintained. “Our analysis shows that for every dollar we pay out in food stamp benefits, an additional $1.84 in economic activity is generated. From this it should be clear that the problem isn’t that too many are on food stamps. The problem is that there are too few. If we had 300 million recipients instead of only 45 million the economy would be in a lot better shape.”

Police Warn Against Resisting Flash Mobs

Aug 28

Police in Upper Darby, Pennsylvania warned residents against resisting the depredations of flash mobs bent on looting and mayhem. Several cities in Pennsylvania have recently been victimized by gangs of youths who organize and coordinate attacks on local businesses through social media. Gun sales in these areas have reportedly increased giving rise to police fears of vigilantism.

“Look, just because police are helpless against these mobs doesn’t mean people should take matters into their own hands,” Upper Darby police Captain George Rhoades said. “Thus far, the damage has been mostly confined to theft and destruction of property. The only people who’ve gotten hurt are those who tried to stop the youths from robbing them or who’ve just been in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

Rhoades acknowledged that “according to the law, the actions of these mobs are crimes, but mature adults ought to be more understanding. These kids come from bad neighborhoods. They want the same things you want. They just can’t afford to pay for them. Is inability to pay where we want to draw the line between who can and who can’t have? Do you really want to shoot someone for trying to readjust the distribution of property?”

Obama Miffed over Date Rebuff

Sep 4

House Speaker John Boehner’s rejection of President Obama’s request to speak to Congress on September 7 became the focus of the President’s latest plea for campaign donations. Just a few hours after Boehner declined the date and suggested a September 8 alternative, the President’s campaign sent an e-mail to supporters.

“I am the leader of the free world,” Obama contended. “Being rebuffed by Congress does untold damage to my image. This can only harm my ability to effect the transformation for which I was elected to accomplish in 2008. Harming the President like this—some might call it treason.”

The president also hinted that Boehner’s action might be unconstitutional. “Not only was the Republicans’ refusal rude and insensitive—it showed that Boehner doesn’t really care about hurting my feelings—it was also a cruel and unusual punishment. No other President has ever been treated this way. Now, as a Constitutional scholar, I know that ‘cruel and unusual punishment’ is against it.”

The e-mail recipients were asked to give generously in order “to prevent the enemies of democracy from thwarting our drive toward the social justice we pledged to wreak upon America.”

President’s Jobs Speech Wows Congress

Sep 11

President Obama’s widely anticipated speech before a joint session of Congress on Thursday stunned and amazed his erstwhile political opponents.

“Until I heard it from his own lips I never realized how mistaken the GOP plans to tear up all the roads and burn down all the schools were,” said House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Va). “And now that I know the President’s jobs plan is endorsed by the Teamsters’ Jimmy Hoffa and the AFL-CIO’s Richard Trumka, well, let’s just say that my eyes have really been opened.”

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky) admitted that he was skeptical at first. “You know, in a way, we’ve been over this ground before,” McConnell pointed out. “Appropriating hundreds of billions to try to stimulate the economy has been the policy of the current Administration since it took office. Just because it hasn’t worked so far doesn’t necessarily prove it could never work. I’ve got to give him credit for consistency.”

Dems Push Bill for Unlimited Debt

Sep 18

Contending that “the very idea of a debt ceiling for federal borrowing places unacceptable restraints upon government,” three Democratic Representatives—Jim Moran (VA), Hank Johnson (GA) and Jerry Nadler (NY)—have introduced legislation that would bar any limits on the amount that could be borrowed.

“We should never permit a lack of money to prevent the government from taking whatever action may be needed for the betterment of our society,” Moran argued. “If the money isn’t already in-hand or can’t be obtained due to mindless opposition to higher taxes, the option of borrowing must not be infringed.”

Moran maintained that “the notion that there ought to be some sort of upper limit on the amount of resources the government has access to is archaic and inappropriate under a democratic Constitution. In America, the government is the people. There is no need for the people to hamper itself with this kind of constraint.”

“The mere existence of a debt ceiling allows the enemies of progressive policies to periodically divert voters’ attention away from the benefits of those policies by focusing an unwarranted emphasis on the costs,” Nadler said in support of the bill. “It encourages miserly, penny-pinching behavior that can only slow the pace of our nation’s transformation toward the attainment of social justice.”

President too Nice to His Enemies, Congresswoman Says

Sep 25

Representative Maxine Waters (D-Calif) took President Obama to task for “being too nice to his enemies.”

“We are at war for the soul of this country,” Waters argued. “Yet, the President insists on treating those who oppose him as if they are just friends who disagree. I mean, playing golf with Boehner, inviting the boys over to watch the Super Bowl and drink beer—this is ‘pussyfooting.’”

Waters called on Obama to “show an iron fist” and “to crush the opposition under the heel of his boot.” “These people are trying to kill him,” Waters ranted. “He’s got to get them before they get him. It’s as simple as that.”

The Congresswoman said she was generally pleased with the President’s “jobs bill,” but that there were still some unanswered questions about it. “I love the President,” Waters said, “But I still need to know where’s my money in his bill? He shouldn’t be taking the support of fellow Democrats for granted. We need to get paid.”

Call to Postpone 2012 Elections Gaining Momentum

Oct 2

Concerned that the upcoming November 2012 elections may be interfering with the appropriate governance of the United States, two eminent Democrats have called for postponing them.

Governor Beverly Perdue (D-NC) complained that “fear of offending voters is stifling our will to govern. If those of us who hold office could be given a break from having to face voters we could more freely consider what would be best for this country.”

The governor was unfazed by the antidemocratic implications of her proposal saying that “if government by the people comes into conflict with what the government ought to do for the people, well, the choice is a ‘no brainer’ as far as I’m concerned. Most of us in government know what needs to be done. The apparent disagreement between Republicans and Democrats is just jockeying for political advantage.”

Perdue’s case for postponing the 2012 elections was seconded by President Obama’s former budget director, Peter Orszag, in an article in this week’s issue of The New Republic. Citing what he called “the baleful infringement that elections impose on policy making,” Orszag argued for “stretching out the time between solicitations of input from voters to a more reasonable interval.”

Alleging that “a lot of valuable experience is tied up in present office holders,” Orszag maintained that “simply extending their terms would be the most efficient option. I mean, what person other than Barack Obama has the experience needed to do the job of president? I suppose you could argue that Bush or Clinton might, but they are Constitutionally ineligible for another term. All of the other contenders have zero experience at the position. Logically, we’d get the most experience for the least cost by letting everyone stay in place until the national and global situations are stable enough to allow us the luxury of another election.”

President Praises “Occupy Wall Street” Protest

Oct 9

As the “Occupy Wall Street” protest entered its fourth week it received a ringing endorsement from President Obama who contrasted the protesters’ “sincerity” and “selflessness” with the “hypocrisy” and “self-serving greed” exhibited by the so-called “Tea Party.”

“The Wall Street protesters have put their whole selves into the fight for social justice,” Obama declared. “They’re not just showing up when it can be conveniently scheduled between working hours and tending to the kids like the right-wing opponents of my policies. They’re here day and night, rain or shine. Their dedication is a model of what it will take to transform America.”

It wasn’t only the methods of the protesters that the President found to his liking. Some of their specific policy prescriptions also met with his approval.

“As admirable as their tactics have been, let’s not overlook their refreshingly innovative ideas,” Obama urged. “A lot of them parallel what we’ve been trying to do with our stimulus program. Their call for a trillion dollars in additional infrastructure spending and another trillion in ‘green’ spending confirm that I’m on the right track.”

“Even better, their suggestion that the link between work and income be severed is a bold stride toward an ideal I thought was still off in the distant future,” the President enthused. “I mean, the biggest infringement on a person’s freedom is usually the hours he has to work to put food on the table and a roof over his head. If government were to ensure that these needs would be met a new era in human liberty could be reached.”

The president reserved his highest praise for the protesters’ demand that all outstanding debts be cancelled. “I realize that we in government have been thinking too small,” Obama said. “Our squabbling over how high to raise the debt ceiling is petty and bourgeois. All we’re doing is postponing the resolution of the problem. If we cancel all outstanding financial obligations we would eradicate the oppressive burden of debt that is hampering our ability to govern. It is an ingenious remedy for our current and potential future fiscal problems.”

Congressman Calls for Executive Action to Suppress Congressional Rebellion

Oct 16

Contending that Congress’ failure to enact President Obama’s “Jobs Bill” amounts to “disloyalty to the duly authorized ruler of this nation,” Representative Jesse Jackson, Jr. (D-Ill) called for “extraordinary measures to restore orderly compliance with the steps the President deems necessary for the country.”

“No one can argue that these are not critical times for America,” Jackson said. “The time for disputation has passed. It is now time for action. Since Congress will not obey, the President must take the actions he thinks appropriate by using his executive powers unilaterally.”

Jackson sought to draw parallels with the secession crisis of 1861. “Just as Lincoln refused to tolerate the disobedience of the southern states, so too, must President Obama stand firm against the enemies of progressive reform.” Lincoln’s efforts to deal with secession included raising an army without Congressional approval, arresting opponents of his policies, and suppressing newspapers that editorialized against his Administration.

The specific action that Jackson urged Obama to take on the jobs issue was for the president to order that the 15 million who are unemployed be immediately hired by the federal government. The Congressman estimated that at a salary of $40,000/year, this would cost only $600 billion/year.

“The action needed is so simple and affordable that opposition can only stem from seditious motives,” Jackson insisted. Jackson dismissed objections that there would be no meaningful work for this new army of federal employees. “There’s certainly lots of things they could be doing to improve this country. They could pick up the litter that uglifies our streets and highways. They could provide domestic services like cooking and cleaning our homes. They could work in the fields planting, tending, and harvesting our crops. But even if they did nothing we’d still be injecting $600 billion of stimulus into the economy.”

President Proud of Mistake-Free First Three Years

Oct 23

President Obama says he’s feeling pretty upbeat about his reelection chances despite the worst economy since the 1930s and polls showing that two-thirds of Americans disapprove of how he’s handled his job.

“On the surface things look bad,” Obama admitted. “But if voters dig deeper they’ll realize that I’ve really done a remarkable job. They’ll see that all the choices I’ve made have been the right ones.”

One of the right choices the President chose to mention was Obamacare, which he called “absolutely the right thing to do. Look, left to their own devices, too many people are neglecting to make the right decisions about their health. They’re eating poorly, not exercising enough, and aren’t going to the doctor when they should. This has to change and the legislation we passed is step one on the road to a healthier America.”

The president also defended his economic policies, insisting that “those who’re focusing on the unemployment rate are missing the big picture. Government can’t and shouldn’t try to ensure prosperity. Booms and busts are just things that happen. No one can control them. What government can do, though, is try to ensure that everybody gets their fair share of the pie. Those who have more than their fair share must give back some so that others can enjoy a better life. My policy on this has been consistent.”

“I’m proud of what we’ve accomplished and I’m confident that voters will appreciate what I’ve done for them,” Obama concluded.

Dems Dismayed by Poll Results

Oct 30

A Gallup poll showing 64% of American voters blaming the federal government for the poor state of the economy vs. only 30% blaming Wall Street has leading Democrats in a tizzy. Possibly even more shocking was the finding that more Democrats blame Washington than Wall Street (49% to 46%). The only segment of voters to blame Wall Street more were those in sympathy with the Occupy Wall Street protest (54% to 44%).

Democratic National Committee Chairwoman Representative Debbie Wassserman-Schultz (Fla) called the voters’ responses “insane.” “The government didn’t layoff all those unemployed, private employers did,” she asserted. “It’s the private sector that continues to refuse to hire people despite the government’s best efforts to stimulate the economy. What can these people be thinking?”

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) was similarly befuddled. “Look at what the government has done over the last three years,” Reid urged. “We’ve enacted new health benefits for the uninsured. We’ve extended unemployment compensation to 99 weeks. We’ve boosted federal outlays for infrastructure and other items by over a trillion dollars. Meanwhile, businesses are selfishly cutting back their hiring because they say more workers aren’t needed or that they’re unaffordable. They’re not being ‘team players’ in the president’s ‘game plan’ to revive America. Why can’t voters see that?”

Presidential Press Secretary Jay Carney pointed a finger at the media for “making it seem like everything is the President’s fault. I mean, he’s been trying to follow the Constitution and get Congress involved, but Republicans have blocked every initiative. Why should he have to take the blame for their inaction?”

Carney held out hope that Obama’s recent moves to bypass Congress by enacting needed measures via Executive Orders would turn things around. “If the normal ways aren’t open, then new paths must be explored,” Carney suggested. “The President isn’t going to allow mere formalism to prevent him from doing what he thinks is necessary. Maybe voters will come to appreciate his flexibility and innovation in the only poll that matters come November of next year.”

House Leader Opposes Voter ID Laws in All 50 States

Nov 6

House Minority Whip Representative Steny Hoyer (D-Md) sent letters to the secretaries of state in all 50 states asking them to take action against “any and all attempts to limit the right to vote by requiring those wishing to cast ballots to show identification.”

“It’s supposed to be a secret ballot, but how can it be if voters must reveal their identities?” Hoyer wrote. “Voters may have good reasons for not wanting to disclose personal information about themselves. Creditors might link names and addresses and harass these people with demands for debts to be paid. Police could use such information to serve outstanding warrants.”

“Besides, a system that confines voting to only those registered is fatally flawed,” Hoyer’s letter continued. “Is a person any less of a person because he is unable or unwilling to register to vote? Aren’t all ‘men’ created equal? Shouldn’t all ‘men’ have the right to vote?”

Hoyer urged the secretaries of state to use a simplified protocol. “Anyone who takes the trouble to walk into a polling booth ought to be given a ballot,” Hoyer suggested. “The process would be more efficient. People wouldn’t be delayed by needless reference to registration lists. They could just vote and move on.”

The risk that unscrupulous persons might defraud Hoyer’s proposed system by voting multiple times was deemed “inconsequentially small” by Hoyer. “The chances of any single vote determining the outcome is tiny,” Hoyer pointed out. “From a logical perspective, it doesn’t make sense to vote even once, much less repeatedly. In my opinion, the fear of multiple votes from a single person is way overblown.”

The House Democrat admitted that it was unlikely that many states would formally adopt his recommended approach. “The important thing was to get this idea out there,” Hoyer maintained. “Even if my suggestions only inspire an irregular tendency to occasionally overlook a rigorous adherence to ID rules it will still be a step toward a fairer and more universal franchise for all who live in this country.”

Reid Demands GOP Abandon Partisanship

Nov 13

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) used Veteran’s Day as the occasion to demand that the GOP drop its partisan opposition to the President’s efforts to “save the country.”

“As we pay our annual tribute to those in uniform let us take the opportunity to compare the selfless obedience of our troops with the obstructionism posed by the Republican Party,” Reid said. “The ‘yes sir’ and ‘aye sir’ of our soldiers and sailors stands in stark contrast with the repeated nay-saying of the GOP members of Congress.”

“Whether it be the killing of bin Laden or the bombing of Libya, our troops have the appropriate ‘can do’ attitude,” Reid observed. “They don’t balk saying it might be too costly. They don’t oppose the revenue enhancements that are needed to fulfill the President’s vision for this country. They are totally loyal.”

Reid contended that the GOP’s stance “is insubordinate, at best, and possibly disloyal. The President is this country’s Commander-in-Chief. Every genuine American is bound to follow his orders. Failure to do so threatens the health, safety, and prosperity of the nation. Protecting America from these kinds of threats—both foreign and domestic—is the President’s sacred obligation.”

Perry Proposal for Part-time Congress Called Ludicrous

Nov 20

GOP presidential candidate Texas GovernorRickPerry’s suggestion that the country would be better off with a part-time Congress was assailed by House Minority Whip Steny Hoyer (D-Md).

“Mr. Perry’s notion that America could get along with less government is ludicrous,” Hoyer asserted. “If we only spend half the time governing this country, we’d only be able to do half as much. That would mean half the spending, half the taxing, and half the regulating. I don’t think the American people would stand for that.”

Hoyer’s assessment was backed by House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif). “Governor Perry doesn’t understand the importance of our work if he thinks we can do it in half the time,” Pelosi argued. “If he had his way, people would be cut adrift from the nurturing and guidance government provides and left to fend for themselves. Taking care of Americans is a full time job. To think otherwise is just nuts.”

Georgia Businessman May Face Federal Prosecution

Nov 27

Bill Looman, owner of U.S. Cranes, may have taken his opposition to Obama’s economic policies too far says Attorney General Eric Holder. Looman’s company trucks are plastered with signs saying “we are not hiring until Obama is gone.”

“I’d call this pretty overt and personal opposition to the President of the United States,” Holder declared. “I mean, President Obama has been striving mightily to create jobs. Yet, here we have a guy who is wantonly refusing to cooperate and trying to deflect the blame back on the President in a very public way.”

Catholic Church Lobbying Called Improper

Dec 4

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) denounced efforts by the Catholic Church to persuade the Department of Health and Human Services to rescind new regulations that will force Catholics to engage in activities that violate their faith. The regulations would require all Americans to purchase coverage for services—like abortion—that are banned by Catholic tenets. The regulations also require all health service providers to offer these services regardless of any personal, religious, or ethical objections.

“The Church’s attempt to meddle with affairs of state is offensive to our system of government,” Pelosi contended. “We don’t live in a theocracy. In America, we have separation of church and state. It’s not their job to criticize our laws. Didn’t Jesus instruct his followers to render unto Caesar? Why isn’t the Church hierarchy obeying this divine guidance?”

“Besides, what they’re asking for is special treatment,” Pelosi went on. “We can’t have different rules for Catholics than for everyone else. The law has to apply to all. There can be no exceptions.”

Attorney General Defends Misleading Congress

Dec 11

Attorney General Eric Holder rebutted accusations that he lied to Congress about his Department’s gun smuggling scheme, insisting that he has merely been “misleading” them.

“A lie is when an evil person deliberately twists the truth,” Holder maintained. “However, there are situations in which a person may be forced to twist the truth in order to prevent an evil outcome. Misleading ones enemies for the good of the nation is a higher form of patriotism.”

Holder pointed out that “misleading Congress is one of the milder options that an Administration may use to protect itself. Let’s not forget that President Lincoln suspended habeas corpus, jailed members of a state legislature, and deported a sitting member of Congress in order to save the nation. History has vindicated his usurpations of Constitutional authority. Who’s to say that President Obama should place the petty vanities of today’s Congress ahead of what he regards as his historical mission to transform this country.”

Feds Report that Half the Country’s Families Fall in the Bottom 50% of Income

Dec 18

In a press release issued by former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif), federal data indicates that fully half of the population falls into the bottom 50% of the income distribution.

“It is heartrending that anyone should have to try to get by on less than an average income, but to have to put up with half the country—many of them children and minorities—suffering in this way is intolerable,” Pelosi said.

As a step toward eradicating this travesty, the former Speaker demanded that Congress extend unemployment benefits yet again. “In an ideal world, no one would have to subsist on a below average income,” she opined. “Until we get there, though, we’ve got to do everything we can to help those who are unable or unwilling to help themselves. Putting money into the pockets of those without jobs is the safest and surest way to do that.”

By her calculations, “extending unemployment compensation will immediately add 600,000 jobs to our economy. Recipients would rush out and buy stuff causing employment to soar. If we were smart enough to make the extension permanent and unlimited we could add an untold number of new jobs—probably billions within a very short period of time.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens Archives

More John Semmens’ Archives