Category Archives: Uncategorized

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

President Barack Obama told Air Force Academy graduates that “the world is entering a new ‘golden age’ thanks to me. I have bridged the differences that set America apart from what were our adversaries in an earlier era.”

The president cited his “reset button” policy for bringing the US and Russia closer together. “I have transformed Ronald Reagan’s ‘evil empire’ into a true partner for peace,” Obama boasted. “President Putin and I are on the same page when it comes to issues of war and peace. I can’t tell you all the details right now, but we are jointly working to fundamentally change the way our two nations interact.”

“We have also reached a new understanding with Islam,” he continued. “Their leaders have accepted the sacrifice of the renegade Osama bin-Laden as a necessary step if we are to mute anti-Islamic anxiety and achieve a more harmonious environment for cultural interchange, learning, and enlightenment. The day when every Muslim can freely practice his religion wherever he might find himself is closer than it has ever been.”

The president also tried to reassure Academy grads that “though we are cutting back on military expenditures, salaries and pensions won’t be on the chopping block. It is our weapons, not our young men and women in uniform that create fear throughout the world. As we reduce our dominance in weapons of mass destruction we will reduce the perceived threat we pose to the rest of the world. History will look back on this moment as the fountainhead of a new humanity—homo pacificus—that will usher in peace for all time.”

In related news, New York City’s PS368 has made learning Arabic mandatory. “Considering the way things are going, we deem it prudent to teach our students these critical language skills,” said Principal Nicky Kram Rosen. “Those who can’t communicate in the dominant language will be at a significant disadvantage. Look at how immigrants who don’t speak English end up at the bottom of the economic heap.”

Obama Campaign Recovers Loot from Capitalist Pirates

President Obama’s reelection campaign press secretary, Ben LaBolt rebuffed criticism that the campaign’s acceptance of donations from Bain Capital employees is hypocritical. Bain has been castigated by Obama for preying upon vulnerable businesses and looting them for selfish gain. Bain is the firm that GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney worked for before he became governor of Massachusetts.

“Those who don’t understand the President’s thinking imagine that he is inconsistently benefiting from the ill-gotten gains of those engaged in reprehensible conduct,” LaBolt said. “In reality, he is recovering this money, purifying it, and putting it to use is his crusade to transform America from a culture of greed into one of collective welfare and universal brotherhood/sisterhood for all humankind.”

LaBolt characterized the campaign’s receipt of donations from “repentant capitalists” as akin to the Catholic Church’s receipt of donations from mafia gangsters. “The ways in which the donors may have obtained the money might be depraved, but the uses to which the donations are put are considered laudable,” LaBolt insisted. “The Church claims it is saving souls. We are in a battle to save this country from the forces of darkness.”

In related news, Obama’s reelection campaign received the endorsement of Larry Flynt, the owner of the pornographic magazine Hustler and associated website. “From my perspective, President Obama has over-performed,” Flynt said. “Many of those he has liberated from the drudgery of employment now have more time to enjoy our products. Our revenues have seen a boost over the past three years. How could I not support the man who has been so good to us.”

Racism Said to Be Reason for Anti-Obama Vote in Dem Primaries

The Democratic presidential primaries in West Virginia, Arkansas, and Kentucky were all won by President Obama. Still, approximately 40% of the votes went for, respectively, an incarcerated felon, a virtual unknown, and “uncommitted.” Similar less than dominant outcomes in a few of the 1968 primaries inspired incumbent President Lyndon Johnson to withdraw from the race. No Obama withdrawal is anticipated.

Campaign adviser David Axelrod attributed the showing to “residual racism. To those who are stunned by this—after all these were Democratic primaries—I suggest they take a look at history. The three states we are talking about are all in the South. Southern Democrats have historically been racists. The defenders of slavery were all southern Democrats. The South is where the Ku Klux Klan has traditionally been most powerful. So, the fact that some rump of the Democratic Party in these states would come out and vote to try to embarrass a Black president should surprise no one.”

Axelrod said he didn’t think that these outcomes presage problems for the President’s reelection. “The anti-racist majority backing the president didn’t have much incentive to vote in these primaries,” he pointed out. “The President is already a lock for the nomination. They will come out to vote against racism in November.”

In related news, the New Black Panthers’ National Field Marshal, King Samir Shabazz, warned that “our tolerance for this kind of disrespectful voting is wearing thin. We are going to take over this country block-by-block. Crackers like these will soon find themselves in the cemetery where their future votes can be cast more responsibly and respectfully by those who really care about the Black man’s rights.”

President’s “My Sons” Reference Explained

President Obama’s campaign speech defending his healthcare policy on the grounds that “my daughters should have the same economic opportunities as my sons” has puzzled observers. Only two daughters (Malia and Sasha) have been explicitly acknowledged by the president.

Press Secretary Jay Carney explained that while “it is obvious that the president and first lady have only the two daughters currently living with them in the White House, critics shouldn’t be jumping to the conclusion that he misspoke. Statistics show that the average urban Black male fathers 3.2 children out-of-wedlock. Earlier in his life, the president was a member of this demographic. Given the roughly 50-percent chance that a child could be male, that would work out to 1.6 male offspring per urban Black male. So, statistically speaking, the president’s desire that his daughters enjoy the same rights as his sons is probably accurate.”

President Blames Deficit on “Greedy Taxpayers”

Despite running up federal deficits at a faster pace than any previous president, Obama says he is not at fault. “Deficits aren’t the result of spending alone,” the President pointed out. “Deficits occur when there is a gap between spending and revenue. If you look at the trends for both you will see that it is the revenue line that has flattened while the spending line has remained pretty much on track with prior periods.”

Of course revenues aren’t keeping up because taxpayer earnings aren’t keeping up. Business profits are down. Employees have been thrown out of work. The base upon which the tax revenue stream is founded has shrunk. Nevertheless, Obama complained that “These people are selfishly focused on their own problems. They pressure their congressmen to oppose the tax increases that are necessary to cover government expenses. When deficits inevitably soar they take no responsibility for how their own greed has caused the problem.”

Vice-President Joe Biden echoed Obama’s thinking in a speech accusing the Tea Party of “thwarting President Obama’s plan to save the economy. We’re trying to get everyone to pitch-in to help us get out of the recession. But these Tea Party guys got voters worked up using the false notion that whatever they own is theirs by right. Well, in this country, it’s the government that determines who owns what. It is our view that the government  must control all our resources in order to ensure that they are used effectively and efficiently. Reelecting the President is the only way we can guarantee that this happens.”

The president also got support from Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev), who said that “Americans must get used to paying higher taxes if they want the government to continue to serve them.” Reid denounced the idea that the government might already be taxing us too much as “extremism of the worst sort. It’s not the terrorists who pose the biggest threat. It’s those who would starve government of the resources it needs.”

School Withholds Medication, Cites Rules

Deltona (Florida) High School student Michael Rudi suffered a potentially life-threatening asthma attack while attending classes. Though an inhaler prescribed by Rudi’s doctor was available, the school nurse withheld it from him because the school could not locate a signed permission form from his parents.

The school’s Director of Student Health Services, Cheryl Selesky, defended the nurse’s action saying that “it’s a matter of liability. If we allow him to medicate himself without having the proper papers filled out and he dies, the parents could sue us. If we follow our rules the blame for any ill consequences falls on the parents for their failure to complete the required paperwork in a timely manner. It’s basically a ‘no-brainer’ decision for us.”

Selesky admitted that the school’s back up policy of calling 911 was not implemented. Instead, the nurse locked Rudi in her office “to prevent other students from possibly being traumatized by seeing one of their classmates suffocate to death. I know the student’s mother and others may be second-guessing what we did, but we have a responsibility to the collective well-being of all our students. No individual’s situation, no matter how dire, can be allowed to override this responsibility.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

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By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

President Obama asked voters to forgive him if he sometimes fails to feel their pain over lost employment, foreclosed homes, and mounting personal debt.

“I’ve led kind of a sheltered life,” the president admitted. “I went to private schools when I was young. I had a scholarship to go to college. I never really had to worry about working to pay my own way. Now, of course, as president, I live in a big house with dozens of servants. I have my own jumbo jet to fly me wherever I want. So, you can see how it might be hard for me to relate to the common people.”

Obama said he hoped that voters wouldn’t forget that “the recession is not my fault. It started before I got here. I’ve done everything I could to try to correct the problem. What other president has spent as much to try to heal the economy? I mean, how much more generous could I have been?”

Obama’s Aunt Complains of Abuse in Autobiography

President Obama’s aunt Zeituni Onyango has recently published a memoir of her time in America. The book is titled Tears of Abuse. It alleges that her time in this country has been nothing but torment.

Residing in the United States illegally from 2002 until she was granted asylum by the Obama Administration in 2010, Zeituni’s book complains of the “shabby accommodations” and “meager sustenance” she was forced to suffer through while on public assistance during that period. “I had to live in public housing amidst an agglomeration of the common riffraff,” Zeituni wrote. “There was no one to prepare my meals. I was given food stamps and told I had to fetch my own food and cook my own meals. I felt humiliated.”

Obama’s aunt attributed her treatment to “America’s racist mindset. My nephew was an important figure in the government—first a state senator, later a US senator, and finally the president. Still, I was denied the status befitting someone whose family member was part of the ruling class. This wouldn’t have happened to me if I were white.”

Thus far, the book’s sales have been weak—a phenomenon Zeituni says further bolsters her case that she has “been the victim of racial discrimination from the first day I set foot in this God forsaken land.”

Question about Secrets on Third Grade Test Defended

New Jersey third-grade public school students were asked to disclose a secret about their lives and discuss why it’s hard to keep. Parents who raised objections over what possible relevance such a question could have for assessing a child’s academic progress were said to be “overreacting” by school authorities.

“First of all, the answers to this question aren’t graded, per se,” explained Elinor Schnoop, spokesperson for the New Jersey Department of Education. “A student can’t fail the test no matter what answer he or she gives. That’s not the purpose for asking this question.”

The purpose is apparently “more socially oriented.” “Let’s say the secret is that the child is being abused at home,” Schnoop said. “Wouldn’t that be important information for the school to know? Or what if the student is gay or masturbates? The school could take steps to reassure the student that this is perfectly normal.”

Safety was another rationale offered. “What if the secret is that the parents have a gun in the home?” the Schnoop asked. “What if the parents have deviant political views, belong to a militia, or are anti-immigrant? Teasing this kind of information out of students could help promote national security.”

Democrats Make Same-Sex “Marriage” a Major Political Issue

President Obama announced that his thinking has evolved to the point where he now supports the idea that persons of the same sex are entitled to marry one another. “Look, Jesus spent his career in the company of men,” Obama pointed out. “He never married. I think we have a pretty good indication that it was only the prejudice of the religious and secular authorities that prevented him hooking up with one of the Apostles—perhaps the famous ‘beloved apostle.’ I say it’s time that prejudice and repression of homosexuals come to an end.”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) said she is hoping that the president’s endorsement of gay marriage will persuade voters “to look past economic disappointments and reward the President and his Party for this momentous achievement. The president’s courageous decision is a reminder to us all that petty concerns over paychecks and jobs pale in comparison to the need to establish equal rights for all. President Obama filled my heart with joy. I think his action here fulfills Jesus’ message of universal love.”

Representative Barney Frank (D-Mass) predicted that this open endorsement of gay rights will be a winning issue for Democrats in November because “it gives America’s homosexual majority the incentive to come out in force to reelect the President. I would advise every Democrat to get on this bandwagon while they can.” The first wave of Democrats taking Frank’s advice included Representatives Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (Fla), Nita Lowey (NY), Jim Himes (Conn), Jared Polis (Colo), Peter Welch (Vt), Xavier Becerra (Calif) and Jackie Speier (Calif).

In related news, a bill that would make it a crime to try to dissuade children from choosing a homosexual lifestyle is expected to pass in that state’s heavily Democratic legislature. California Senate Bill 1172 would make it illegal for therapists, psychologists, counselors and parents to engage in any kind of “sexual orientation change efforts” for children 18 and younger. The bill’s sponsor, Senator Ted Lieu (D-Torrance), maintained that “a person’s sexual orientation is in his genes. Anyone who attempts to divert a person from his or her gay destiny is committing a crime against human nature.”

President to Crack Down on Obesity in Second Term

Contending that obesity is a bigger threat than Islamic terror, White House chef and food initiative coordinator Sam Kass says that combating this threat will be a major focus of the president’s second term.

“Let’s face it, too many of us are too darn fat,” Kass observed. “Given the opportunity to freely choose their own diets a distressingly large percentage consistently make the wrong choices. Preventing these wrong choices is crucial to the collective health and well-being of our society.”

Of course, preventing wrong choices is a daunting task in a free country. Kass hinted that indoctrinating youth would be one way to make this happen. “In the First Lady’s ‘Let’s Move’ program I’ve seen kids dancing and cheering for vegetables,” Kass remembered. “Getting adults to join in is the next step.” For those skeptical about the prospect of adults dancing and cheering for vegetables, Kass pointed out that “they do it in China.”

Kass declined to speculate on whether a so-called “fat tax” might be enacted, but argued that it could be very persuasive. “If you’ve got to pay more for every pound of blubber you add you’ll think twice about having a cheese burger or a dessert,” Kass maintained. “In my opinion, issuing an Executive Order imposing such a tax is something President Obama should consider.”

NAACP Flunks GOP Legislators

The latest National Association for the Advancement of Colored People annual Civil Rights Legislative Report Card gives every Republican member of the U.S. House and Senate a failing grade.

NAACP President, Benjamin Jealous, explained the grades saying “the GOP has consistently opposed advancing the interests of African Americans. Their argument that they want a ‘color blind’ rule of law explicitly rejects the idea of special help for our people. Equal opportunity is not enough to compensate us for centuries of slavery and oppression.”

Jealous suggested that the GOP might improve future grades by helping pass reparations legislation. “Incalculable harm was done to our ancestors,” Jealous said. “If we took every last dime a white man earned in his lifetime it wouldn’t repay the damages caused by his ancestors. Many generations would need to toil to pay off this debt. Voting to get started on retiring this debt might move the GOP up to a grade of ‘D.’”

Bin Laden Alibi Memo Called “No Big Deal”

Revelation that CIA Director Leon Panetta drafted a memo that would’ve been used to absolve President Obama of blame had the mission to kill Osama bin Laden failed was labeled “no big deal” by Presidential Press Secretary Jay Carney. Targeted to take the fall was Naval Special Operations Commander Adm. Bill McRaven.

“Protecting the president is ‘job #1′ for everyone working for the federal government,” Carney contended. “The president is the essential man in our government. Everyone else is expendable. I mean, who’s ever heard of McRaven? Would it be the end of the world if he were made a scapegoat?”

“Realistically, sacrificing one man’s career is a small price to pay for preserving the president’s credibility,” Carney added. “Taking the blame for your Commander-in-Chief is an obligation that any soldier or sailor should be proud of. He could’ve been asked for a lot more. After all, Secret Service agents are routinely expected to take a bullet for the president. Next to that, being designated a fool or blunderer for a botched mission should be considered a walk in the park.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens Archives

Special Primary – Congressional District 8 (replacing the retired Gabby Giffords)

Republican Primary: 312 of 352 precincts partially reporting/7 precincts completely reported

Jesse Kelly — 21,171 (38.92%) [Leads in Pima County]

Martha McSally — 12,908 (23.73%) [leads in Cochise County]

Frank Antenori — 10,847 (19.94%)

Dave Sitton – 9,219 (16.95%)

Write-ins — 246 (0.47%)

Voter turnout — 94,073

GOP Votes: 54,399

Dem: 39,298

Green: 109

Special Election June 12

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

President Obama issued a dire prediction of global economic catastrophe should Congress fail to raise the federal government’s debt ceiling.

“This is no time for fooling around or playing politics on this critical issue,” Obama declared. “USGovernment spending is the driving force of global prosperity. Without it businesses and individuals would be forced to make their own decisions on what to produce, how to produce it, and where to sell it. We need government to ensure that resources are used wisely and distributed equitably to avert the chaos of unfettered capitalism.”

A few examples of capitalistic chaos were cited by the President. “Left to its own devices, the free market is profiteering on the production of ‘gas-guzzling’ cars, big-screen TVs, and fat-laden diets,” Obama complained. “This is not my vision for how we win the future. We need ‘green’ vehicles like the Volt, or better yet, high-speed passenger rail to effect the kind of transformation I have promised to the American people. And we’ve got to get more control over what people put in their mouths. Government needs to have the funds it requires to carry out the mission I’ve laid out for it.”

The President explained that “Because Congress refuses to increase taxes more borrowing is the only way we can keep the spending flowing,” the President continued. “Ideally, we ought to eliminate the idea of placing a ceiling on government borrowing. But at a minimum Congress must provide the leeway needed by raising the ceiling high enough to accommodate the extra trillions we will need to spend during my time in office.”

The President’s current position on the debt ceiling is a reversal of the stand he took in 2006 when, as a Senator, he voted against increasing it because “raising the amount that the government is allowed to borrow rewards the undisciplined profligacy of a runaway deficit.” Obama reconciled his changed stance by saying that “Bush’s deficit was caused by wasting the country’s resources on tax cuts. Mine is the result of desperately needed investments inAmerica’s future.”

Not everyone in government sees the situation as dire. Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke agreed that “while it would be easier to inflate the money supply by continuing to buy Government debt, that isn’t our only option. Should reaching the debt ceiling prohibit the Treasury from issuing more bonds we could still create new money and just deposit it into their accounts so they could continue to fund all existing programs. Of course, this would make the Fed’s debasement of the currency more obvious, but it’s still doable.”

In related news, US Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner warned key Democrats that lack of an expeditious increase in the debt ceiling would put ‘friendly’ Wall Street investment banks at risk. “These banks rely on the arbitrage profits from buying and selling US Government debt to sustain their institutions and reward their top bond traders with incentive bonuses,” Geithner pointed out. “The turmoil caused by a delay in raising the ceiling, or worse, a failure to raise the ceiling at all, would hit these pillars of our economy hard. Their ability to make donations to the President’s reelection campaign would be negatively impacted.”

President Warns against GOP Budget

President Obama stridently attacked the Republican budget passed by the House of Representatives as “anti-American” and warned “it will turn this country into a ‘Third-World’ nation.”

“In the ‘Third-World’ countries there are no comprehensive social safety nets,” the President contended. “People must work long and hard to make a living. I’m proud to say that my vision forAmericagoes in the opposite direction. People shouldn’t be forced to take demeaning jobs. We are a rich enough country to be able to free our citizens from this type of wage bondage.”

In support of his case, Obama cited statistics indicating that currently only 45% of American adults have jobs. “What other society could afford to have a majority of its population living lives of leisure?” the President asked. “My initiatives have put this country on the right path. Now’s not the time to turn back.”

“If the Republicans have their way, though, we’d lose the gains we’ve made since the Roosevelt Administration,” Obama maintained. “Americans wouldn’t be able to count on the government relieving them of the tiresome burdens of life. Drudgery would become the universal bane of the working class. Voters will have the opportunity to prevent this by returning a solidly Democratic government in the 2012 election.”

Both the GOP and President Obama’s budgets project deficits and annual increases in spending, albeit at different rates: 2.8% per year for the GOP budget and 4.7% per year for the President’s budget.

Gaps in White House Visitor Log Explained

Despite pledges that his Administration would be “the most transparent in history,” logs of who comes and goes to confer with the President and his staff at the White House have glaring omissions.

Presidential Press Secretary Jay Carney attributed the incomplete record to “efforts to serve conflicting objectives. On the one hand, we want to be as open as possible. On the other, we want to respect an individual’s right to privacy. So, we tried to compromise by allowing those who preferred that their visits not be acknowledged to opt out of having their names recorded.”

Concerns that the selective reporting of who visits with the President could undermine trust in the Administration was taken in stride by Carney. “It basically boils down to whether you have faith in the honesty of the President,” Carney said. “If you do, you accept that some things must remain private. If you don’t, you’re going to be demanding documentary proof of everything just like the ‘birthers’ are about where the President was born. Is having to produce papers to verify stuff the kind of country we want to live in? I think not. I believe the American people trust the President to tell them what they need to know for the good of the country.”

Higher Gas Prices Save Lives

Revelation that highway fatalities decrease by 2.3% for every 10 cent per gallon increase in the price of fuel has US Secretary of Transportation Ray LaHood fired up.

“For all the carping I have to listen to over high gas prices I’m happy to be able to point to a silver lining,” boasted a bubbly LaHood. “Driving their own cars is the most dangerous thing most people do. The more we can discourage this, the more lives we can save. Based on this latest study it looks like if we can get the price of gasoline up to around $9 a gallon we could virtually eliminate traffic fatalities.”

“I’m thinking that at $9 a gallon there’d be a lot less driving,” the Secretary ventured. “Cars and trucks would be so scarce on the roads that their chances of colliding with each other would be nil. There’d also be fewer motor vehicles for trains to hit on the grade crossings. Air pollution would be way down. That’d save lives too.”

LaHood professed himself “a strong supporter of the President’s ban on offshore drilling, carbon taxes, and the ‘cap-and-trade’ emissions bill—anything that will help get prices up to where they need to be to change people’s decisions. A person driving himself wherever he wants whenever he want is both inefficient and unsafe. The sooner we can do away with such anti-social behavior the better off this country will be.”

Former Speaker Torn over Importance of Elections

Former Speaker of the House of Representatives Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) admitted to mixed feelings over the role elections will play in the future of America.

“I know that as a Democrat I’m expected to support democracy,” Pelosi said. “But is democracy an end in itself or merely a means to an end? I mean, it was important that we elected President Obama to rule this country. Now that he is President, though, what further gains could there be from the electoral process? Might not future elections even serve to undermine the changes he’s already implemented?”

Pelosi proclaimed herself extremely distressed over what she termed “the dangerous influence of the Tea Party on our governing processes. These people are outsiders who don’t really share the values of those of us who’ve been engaged in the task of governing this country for so many years. If those of us in the permanent majority—both Republicans and Democrats—can’t stand together against this intrusion Congress may lose its purpose.”

Al-Qaeda Calls for Arab Invasion to Topple Libyan Dictator

Osama bin-Laden underling, Ayman al-Zawahiri, urged the leaders of other Muslim states to send troops toLibyain order “to finish the job of ousting the satanic Gaddafi from his position atop the country.”

“Brother Obama has made a good start by hitting Gaddafi’s troops with air strikes,” Zawahiri said. “But he cannot be expected to do it all by himself. The sinister forces of Zionism still carry too much weight in the American government. Muslim armies must heed Allah’s call if we are to complete the encirclement ofIsrael.”

Councilman Argues for Hiring More Ex-Cons

Pittsburgh City Councilman Ricky Burgess introduced legislation that would make it easier for persons with a criminal record to be hired by the city. “Most of those with a criminal record are Democrats,” Burgess observed. “Should we really be penalizing our own constituency by excluding them from working for the city?”

A Satirical Look at Recent News  

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By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News  

The latest statistics show that the official unemployment rate edged up to 9.6% in September. This 14th consecutive month with an unemployment rate of 9.5% or higher is the longest since the 1930s.

President Obama cautioned that “these figures look worse than they really are because they don’t properly account for the leisure that has simultaneously been gained. If we just concern ourselves with the loss of hours worked we’re only seeing one side of the equation. An hour not on the job is an hour freed up for other uses. This leisure the nation has gained has a value that is not reported in the official data.”

“Studies show that leisure helps relieve stress,” the president added. “In contrast, work is cited as a major source of stress. So, there are some significant health benefits that are being overlooked by just focusing on the jobless numbers.”

The president also tried to allay fears about his own well-being by pointing out that “I want to assure those who have supported me to know that my own situation is not currently at risk. Barring anything weird happening, I’mset for another two years, at least. And I’m guarding against on-the-job stress by pacing myself and taking frequent breaks. So the American people needn’t add worry about me to their list of problems.”

In related news, the president asserted that “Muslims have a higher education status and make more money than your average American. So, converting may be an option that has some economic benefits for a large segment of the nation’s population.”

Microsoft Exec Urges Government to Take Control of the Internet

Scott Charney, Microsoft vice president of Trustworthy Computing, urged governments of the world to take control of the Internet “before something really bad happens.”

“Governments wouldn’t stand idly by and allow human viruses to proliferate,” Charney argued. “They’d be taking steps to quarantine the infected before they passed germs on to others. They should do the same thing to protect the Internet from infection by computer viruses.”

Charney contended that “too many people are using inferior software, much of it home-made. We can’t let this go on. We need rules in place that restrict access to the Internet so that only those who are equipped with approved software products can get on it.”

In addition to setting standards for acceptable software, Charney said “Governments must also have unfettered access to every computer that connects to the web so they can continually search for malignant content and  eradicate it before it can take root in the global network. Sites that governments have identified as a threat should be sealed off and blocked from logging on to the Internet.”

The idea that government ought to control the Internet has also been praised by the New York Times as “no worse than government controlling access to our highways by insisting that all drivers have licenses.” The Times blog pooh-poohed the fear that government control might lead to censorship of those who challenge the ruling regime, writing that “The regulatory scheme would surely contain provisions barring the government from cutting off access to the Internet by recognized journalistic entities.”

Senator Asks Voters for Same Mandate They Gave Kennedy and Byrd

In the midst of a tight race to retain his seat, Senator Harry Reid (D-Nev) said he takes his example of what a senator can be “from two of the greatest men to ever have served in the US Senate.”

“Both these men overcame adversity and held their seats for decades,” Reid recalled. “Senator Byrd (D-W. Va) rose from scandalous beginnings as an Exalted Cyclops for the Ku Klux Klan to serve in the senate for more than 50 years. Senator Kennedy (D-Mass) killed a young woman in a drunk driving accident but was still reelected seven more times and served almost 50 years in the senate. I’ve never done anything as bad as either of those guys. If voters could overlook their mistakes why can’t they overlook mine?”

Reid conceded that “life isn’t always fair. I mean Kennedy had the advantage of having two brothers assassinated on TV. I never got a break like that. And Byrd brought more ‘pork’ home to his state than any other senator ever has. I am trying to emulate his example, but I’ve only been in the Senate for 30 years. If I get another three terms as Majority Leader of the Senate I’m sure I could bring a lot more home to Nevada.”

As an example, Reid touted the $13 million in federal aid he “brought home” from the Small Business Jobs Act. “Every small business owner I’ve talked to says that a shortage of capital is the biggest problem,” Reid said. “With the recession we’re having banks and investors are too scared to provide capital. The market is failing. This legislation bypasses that failure by extracting funds from taxpayers and turning it over to those businesses.”

The aid secured by Senator Reid’s efforts amounts to only $5 for every inhabitant of Nevada, a statistic Reid brushed aside. “If we were to share this money with everyone it wouldn’t amount to much,” Reid admitted. “But we aren’t going to share it equally. Only those that the government feels will spend it in cooperation with the president’s economic recovery plan will get some. It’s this potential for behavior modification that’s the key.”

Currently, the unemployment rate in Nevada is over 14%. This is the highest for any state in the nation and is more than three times as high as the rate was in 2006—before the Democrats took control of the Senate and named Harry Reid Majority Leader.

AG to Investigate Foreclosures

U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder announced that his office will be “taking a closer look at this foreclosure thing.”

“Information that has reached me indicates that many minorities are being forced out of their homes based solely on a failure to consistently make monthly payments,” Holder said. “This raises the possibility that discriminatory treatment is in play.”

As Holder sees it, “It is important to assure that the ratios of minorities who are dispossessed aren’t out of line with their representation in the population. Basically, we need to know whether there are more minorities being penalized than is warranted based on their share of the population. If they are then there is a prima facie case that racial discrimination is taking place.”

Holder explained that “the decision to dispossess must be a balanced one. Failure to make payments is just one of a multitude of factors that must be weighed before legal action can be taken. Without a balanced approach all the homes end up in the hands of those willing and able to pay the costs of home ownership. This would tend to   exclude those who are worthy in other respects, like need, from participating in this benefit. Doing away with this type of exclusionary policy is one of the changes the president is determined to bring to America.”

Congressman Declares National Debt a “Myth”

Representative Phil Hare (D-Ill) called Republican campaign ads that focus on the huge deficits and the additions they are making to the national debt “bogus” and a “scare tactic.”

“The claim that our children will be burdened with this debt is a lie,” Hare charged. “The federal government has the power to declare a moratorium on paying this debt at any time. It also has the power to print up as much money as it needs to pay off this debt should it choose to do so. So, our children are at risk only if we insist on honoring this obligation in the traditional way. If we just let those who bought government bonds absorb the loss our children will be off the hook.”

In related news, Vice-President Joe Biden vowed he would “strangle the next Republican I hear complain about the deficit. I mean, where do they come off? Everybody in government runs a deficit. They did it when they ran the government. They’re just jealous because ours is bigger. In the end, what does it matter? We’re never going to pay it back and neither are they.”

Democrat Aims to Outlaw “Right-to-Work”

Representative Brad Sherman (D-Calif) has introduced legislation that would eliminate state Right to Work laws. The bill, H.R. 6384, would prohibit states from allowing workers to decline becoming union members as a condition of employment. Currently, 22 states allow workers to refuse to become union members.

“For too long we have allowed business interests to persuade state legislatures to pass laws permitting employees to refuse to participate in the unions that are representing the workers’ interests,” Sherman said. “This ‘divide-and-conquer’ strategy pits individual interests against the solidarity needed to effectively pressure management into meeting union demands.”

An effect of right-to-work laws is to encourage employers to seek out right-to-work states for expanding their business. “These states are typically ‘red’ states,” Sherman complained. “Building up the economies and population of these states hurts the Democratic Party. My bill will level the playing field.”

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