Category Archives: Uncategorized

Scottsdale Councilwoman Virginia Korte: Here’s a Little Message Just Between You and Me

Scottsdale City Councilwoman Virginia Korte keeps pushing her fellow council members to pass one of those radical and unnecessary bathroom bills. This is a special message just for the kind council lady. It was written by Tony Perkins, president of the Family Research Council. Councilwoman, I think you will find it enlightening:

Liberal activists enjoyed quite a few years of slipping gender identity measures through city councils without people noticing. They don’t have that luxury now, especially not after firestorms like Houston’s. In the past several months, voters are wide-awake to the challenges on the local level and turning out en masse to stop the charge. After the landslide win in Houston, other states — including ones as extreme as Massachusetts — had second thoughts about the political perils of forcing the issue.

As part of the march toward bathroom extremism, the Bay State tried to follow in the radical footsteps of cities like Fayetteville, which decided that it was a perfectly reasonable idea to let grown men into the women’s bathrooms, and visa-versa, just because they didn’t feel like their gender! The bill would have added gender identity to the state’s nondiscrimination code, which already includes sexual orientation as a protected class. FRC’s Peter Sprigg flew to the State House to testify against the bill, which faced enough opposition to take local leaders by surprise.

It turns out that Peter’s argument, along with those of parents, pastors, and concerned citizens, was enough to sink the measure in the current term. The Massachusetts House recessed from its final session of the calendar year without so much as taking up the bathroom ordinance! As Andrew Beckwith from the Massachusetts Family Institute pointed out, “This is huge win” — not just for the safety and privacy in our bathrooms, but for the continued momentum of common sense. “Transgender activists have been putting incredible pressure on legislators for weeks now.” But because concerned citizens “flooded the State House with phone calls… we started hearing that the vote would be delayed until today and then, finally, postponed until sometime in 2016.”

Although the issue will almost certainly rear its ugly head next year, this is powerful example of what can be accomplished when we make our voices heard!

Reid and Obama Vow to Block Bill on Refugee Vetting

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnSenate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) and President Obama vowed they would block a House-passed measure to increase scrutiny of refugees from Syria and Iraq. Concern that terrorists might be hiding among those seeking to escape the war zone led to a veto-proof 289-137 bipartisan majority favoring the bill. Under the bill, the Department of Homeland Security, FBI and director of National Intelligence would have to certify a refugee posed no security threat before he or she could be admitted into the United States.

Only a tiny minority of the Syrians who come to this country are likely to be terrorists,” Obama pointed out. “The damage they might do pales in comparison to the stain on our nation’s honor that would ensue if we close our border to them. The number of people who might be killed by any terrorists we let in is small in comparison to the number of people shot in my home town of Chicago each year.”

A contrasting view of the risks was posited by Syrian Ambassador Riad Abbas who estimated that “20% of the refugees have ties to ISIS. President Obama’s characterization of these refugees as widows and orphans is far off the mark. The vast majority are unattached young men. Many have openly declared that their motivation is to take advantage of the West’s generous welfare programs. But as we have seen in Europe, many of these young men bring civil unrest and violent impulses with them. And last year, terrorists killed over 30,000 people worldwide. Perhaps the United States should exercise more caution concerning who it invites into its borders.”

Meanwhile, in Turkey eight ISIS terrorists posing as Syrian refugees were arrested. The Islamic State called the arrests “a minor setback. The infidels may congratulate themselves for striking us with this pinprick, but this cell is just the tip of a huge iceberg of more than 4,000 covert operatives that have made it into western nations hidden among refugees. This iceberg will sink their decadent societies.”

While the President promised to veto any bill that reaches his desk, Reid reassured him that “it won’t come to that. We will protect the President and filibuster the bill to prevent the Senate from voting on it. The GOP is using the fear of being murdered by terrorists to divert voters from the greater threat posed by the Republican Party’s attempt to undermine the authority of America’s duly elected ruler. No amount of bombings or shootings by terrorists could thwart President Obama’s authority to rule this country. Clearly, they are the lesser enemy.”

Attorney General Loretta Lynch, called the proposed screening “impractical and impossible. All of our resources are already committed to higher priorities. Right-wing opponents of the President’s efforts to transform the nation are a much greater danger. Their propaganda has a majority of voters thinking that ‘all lives matter’ in direct opposition to the social justice movement’s struggle to obtain recognition for the slogan ‘black lives matter.’ Now is not the time to reallocate our attention toward this so-called terrorist danger.”

In related news, the Obama Administration announced a shift in budgeted funds: cutting money to the Veterans’ Administration by $2.6 billion and boosting money to facilitate Syrian immigration by $4.5 billion. Press Secretary Josh Earnest characterized the move as “common sense. Veterans are a declining group that represents America’s past. Syrian immigrants are a rapidly breeding cohort that represents this country’s future.”

Sanders Explains Democratic Socialism

Contender for the Democratic presidential nomination Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) made an effort to define democratic socialism in a speech to Georgetown University students this week.

Unlike the socialism imposed by Lenin or Mao, democratic socialism allows voters to select who will rule over them,” Sanders said. “With the backing of the electorate, these rulers will redress the inequities stemming from inequalities that are no fault of the individual.”

Sanders asserted “the notion that a person’s hard work might entitle him to a disproportionate share of the world’s wealth is just plain wrong. A person’s ability to work hard is an inheritance that he did not earn. Likewise, a person’s inability to work hard is also an inheritance he did nothing to deserve. Democratic socialism places the well-being of the much larger number of persons unsuited to hard work ahead of the minority unfairly gifted with this ability. It uses democratic means for seizing the outputs of those with greater ability and redistributing them for the benefit of those with greater need.”

In a family, the parents distribute the benefits of food, clothing, housing, and everything else to all their children,” Sanders argued. “They don’t allow some to prosper while others are neglected. Democratic socialism merely extends the concept of family to everyone under the regime’s jurisdiction. Government assumes the role of the parent and metes out a fair share to all its children.”

Sanders acknowledged the possibility that “some of the state’s children might need to be disciplined for selfish behavior. It will be the government’s job to ascertain the abilities of all and ensure that those who are capable are assigned an appropriate share of the chores of sustaining the national family. The collective good of the whole cannot be allowed to suffer due to shirking by the capable.”

The success of my campaign will show whether America is ready for democratic socialism,” Sanders said. “My guess is that the needy outnumber the able by a considerable margin. Convincing this huge majority to vote for a system that will empower them to confiscate the surplus produced by the able is my biggest challenge.”

Paris Terror Attack Spurs Call for Gun Control

Despite the fact that France has some of the strictest gun-control laws in the world, the massacre of over 100 people in Paris by gun and bomb wielding Islamic terrorists has inspired Rep. Jan Schakowsky (D-Ill) to call for more stringent gun-control regulations in America.

I don’t mean to belittle the grief felt by so many after the tragic events in Paris, but I shudder to think how much worse it would have been if the victims had been armed,” Schakowsky said. “Bullets could have been coming from every direction. Police would have been confused over who were the perpetrators.”

If a similar attack were to take place in America it is likely that a significant number of intended victims would, due to our lax gun-control laws, be carrying concealed weapons,” Schakowsky lamented. “There would have been complete chaos. Who knows how many may have fallen victim to friendly fire.”

If we want to be a civilized society we must give up the idea of an individual right of self-defense,” the Congresswoman contended. “We must place our trust in collective-defense even if this means that in a given situation an individual may be helpless in a confrontation with an armed assailant. I don’t think it’s asking too much for our citizens to lay down their lives in pursuit of the goal of a more civilized society.”

In related news, US Secretary of State John Kerry denounced the Paris terror attack as “completely unjustified” and contrasted it with the more “legitimate murder” of the editorial staff of Charlie Hebdo earlier this year. “Killing people at a restaurant and theater was just unfocused violence,” Kerry said. “What is the message? Don’t go out to eat? Don’t attend a concert? Killing the editors at the magazine made more sense. People know what to do to stay safe—don’t mock Islam. President Obama has been urging people to not mock Islam for some time now. So, the victims at Charlie Hebdo can’t say they weren’t warned.”

California Governor Hails Transformation of State’s Economy

A report indicating that 9,000 businesses have relocated headquarters and other operating units outside of California in the last seven years was hailed by Governor Jerry Brown (D) as “encouraging news.” According to the report prepared by Joseph Vranich, a site selection consultant and president of Irvine, California-based Spectrum Location Solutions, the exiting companies experienced cost-savings of 20-35%.

Some will try to characterize this as a loss for the state, but I don’t see it that way,” Brown said. “Wage-slavery is one the greatest infringements on personal freedom in our time. By inducing 9,000 exploiters to leave we are reducing this scourge for all Californians.”

Brown suggested that Californians who lost jobs as a result of the corporate migration “will have more free time to enjoy life. Our state’s social safety net will provide a livable income for most. Others may find joining an agrarian commune a more rewarding lifestyle.”

And let’s not forget the positive environmental impacts,” Brown added. “Workers driving to jobs are major contributors to air pollution. With 9,000 fewer employers and a million fewer jobs traffic on our states roads is way down. Everyone is breathing cleaner air. That’s probably having a bigger impact on health in our state than Obamacare.”

Government Steals More than Burglars

Data for 2014—the latest year available—indicates that burglars absconded with $3.9 billion worth of victims’ property. At the same time, “civil forfeiture” made off with $4.5 billion worth.

The civil forfeiture statute was initially sold as a tool for coping with organized crime. It has morphed into crime wave in which police seize cash from individuals on the slimmest of pretexts and dare the owner to try to get it back through cumbersome and costly procedures.

A favored tactic is to assert that any cash that a person may be carrying was obtained via criminal activity. As proof, police cite the traces of cocaine that can be found on most currency. Washington DC Chief of Police Robyn Moore bragged that “this law is a godsend for police departments everywhere. We don’t have to sit back and wait for a city council to appropriate funds. We can just go out and take it from suspicious characters on the street. With the cocaine traces we have a prima facie case against the cash. It is then up to the claimant to prove that the money wasn’t involved in any illegal activities. Few are up to that task.”

A class action suit has been filed against the DC Police Department whose officers have been instructed to seize amounts of cash as small as $100. Moore remained confident that her agency would prevail in the case because “we have debit cards now. No honest person has a need for that much cash.”

Every Child Has Potential, Says Planned Parenthood

During last weekend’s Democratic debate, Planned Parenthood tweeted that “every child deserves the opportunity to live up to their God given potential.” The tweet was intended to support presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, who has been a stalwart backer of the organization.

Inasmuch as Planned Parenthood has accounted for the termination of the lives of tens of millions of children since 1973’s Roe vs. Wade Supreme Court decision, many found the tweet ironic. “Not so,” insisted President Cecile Richards. “When you look at the home environments that would have awaited the vast majority of those aborted it should be clear that a role as a parts supplier for medical research is probably the highest potential for these ill-begotten offspring. Exchanging that for a life of crime, poverty, and suffering is, I think, a net gain for humanity.”

In related news, the disclosure of an email in which Hillary Clinton confidante Huma Abedin described the former Secretary of State as “often confused” was made into lemonade by her presidential campaign manager Robby Mook. “You know, the average American is often confused,” Mook observed. “I think the voters will see Secretary Clinton as a kindred spirit.” Mook did aver that a possible downside is that “Sanders may be seen as even more confused. Hopefully, we will have enough money to overcome that obstacle.”


A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Should Congress Vote to De-fund Planned Parenthood?

Supreme Court Rewrites Obamacare

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnAcknowledging that the original Affordable Care Act “was so poorly written as to be utterly infeasible in its implementation,” Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts took “the liberty of rewriting it to correct its deficiencies.”

If we were to confine ourselves to the plain language of the statute, subsidies would be available to only those states that established their own health care exchanges,” Roberts wrote. “In hindsight, relying upon the statutory text would doom the plan because only a minority of states established the required exchanges. Rather than allow Congress’ inability to accurately forecast state behavior to undermine this signature accomplishment of President Obama’s transformative agenda for America I am, herewith, reinterpreting the statutory language.”

Roberts brushed aside substantial evidence that the language restricting subsidies to states setting up their own exchanges was intentional, saying that “obviously, this traditional reliance on the ‘carrot’ of federal money failed to elicit the expected response. Since ‘plan A’ didn’t work we need to institute a ‘plan B.’ This Court’s reinterpretation takes its place along side of the dozens of reinterpretations that the Obama Administration has previously made to correct flaws in the original law.”

Neither did the apparent discrepancy between his majority opinion in favor of upholding Obamacare and his dissent against the Court’s decision declaring a nationwide right to same-sex marriage cause the Justice any difficulty. “There was no federal statute needing repair in the same-sex marriage case,” Roberts pointed out. “There are 50 different state laws. The Court has no Constitutional authority to rewrite 50 state laws. Its powers are limited to rewriting the laws crafted by Congress at the national level.”

President Obama praised the Court’s decision “for putting the good of the people ahead of a rigid reliance upon the so-called ‘separation of powers’ that right-wing enemies of social justice would use to hamstring progress. So Congress made a few mistakes in how it wrote the law. Why should we let that prevent us from making improvements? Isn’t everyone working together for the common good better than each branch of government jealously guarding the ‘turf’ laid out for it in the Constitution?”

Following the announcement of the decision, stock prices for the nation’s largest health insurance corporations saw a $3 billion boost in a single day. “This decision ensures that the flow of federal subsidies to these firms will be uninterrupted,” Press Secretary Josh Earnest boasted. “Republicans masquerade as the Party of big business, but it is Democrat-backed legislation that delivers the cash that feeds their bottom line.”

In related health news, the Obama Administration is pressuring doctors to discuss global warming with their patients. U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy reminded that “President Obama has declared global warming to be the greatest danger to health that humanity faces. Doctors are not merely private citizens. They are licensed by government. They have an obligation to convey the government’s views to their patients. Failure to do so should have consequences.”

Crazed Gunman Sparks Anti-Confederate Groundswell

While Dylan Roof may have wanted to see his murder of nine members of a South Carolina church Bible studies session inspire a race war, the aftermath has taken a different turn. Photos of Roof holding a Confederate flag have led to calls for the removal of this “odious symbol of oppression” from American life.

All over the South, Confederate flags are being taken down from state houses, public parks, and memorials. At the Gettysburg National Historic Park all Confederate symbols have been taken down. Park Director Thomas Jackson asserted that “for too long we’ve accorded the treasonous rabble that opposed our government too much credit. They may have worn uniforms and carried flags, but they were outlaws. It’s about time we treated them as such.”

Jackson, who assured members of the media that he is “no relation to Civil War General Stonewall Jackson, explained that “henceforth, the opposing sides of the Battle of Gettysburg will be described as the ‘US Army’ vs. the ‘rebels.’” The director attributed a lot of the blame for the elevated status of these rebels to “the unwarranted magnanimity of President Lincoln. His ‘malice toward none,’ was, in my opinion, a mistake.”

Meanwhile, in Baltimore, Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake is pushing to rename a park honoring Confederate General Robert E. Lee. “We should not be honoring the memory of a slave-owning traitor,” she argued. “Instead, we should be creating a memorial to Freddy Gray—a modern day victim of the same racism that moved Mr. Lee and his henchmen to take up arms against the government.”

IRS Destroys More Evidence

In what IRS officials are calling a one-in-a-million fluke, the precise emails subpoenaed by Congress in its investigation of IRS discrimination against the President’s political opponents were exactly the ones inadvertently erased by IRS employees. Lost are over 400 back-up tapes containing 24,000 emails to and from Lois Lerner—the IRS employee believed to have orchestrated the discriminatory treatment.

Commissioner John Koskinen speculated that “our rather lengthy chain-of-command provided multiple opportunities for miscommunication somewhere along the line. It is not inconceivable that an instruction to ‘not erase’ may have been forwarded as ‘erase.’ The rest is, as we say, history. Nothing can be done about it now.”

Not everyone is persuaded that nothing can be done, though. Rep. Mark Meadows (R-NC) observed that “Any civil officer is liable to be impeached. If the Inspector General reports that evidence has been destroyed deliberately, that would be clearly a misdemeanor.”

In testimony before a Congressional committee, Inspector General J. Russell George told committee members that IRS officials literally put Lerner’s computer hard drive through a shredder after determining that efforts to recover the content “wouldn’t be worth the expense.”

Meadows said that “while I’m personally convinced that the IRS is obstructing justice I have been unable to make much headway with the House leadership on how we go forward from here. All the Speaker will tell me is ‘you don’t want to tangle with the IRS, they’ll make our lives miserable if we go after them.’”

In related news, EPA Administrator Gina McCarthy told an audience at a White House meeting that “climate deniers are not normal people. They remind me of the kooks pushing shopping carts full of trash and ranting about who knows what. They ought to be medicated or institutionalized, not given access to the media.”

Court Rules that Disparate Outcomes Equal Discrimination

In a 5-4 decision, the US Supreme Court ruled that “victims of discrimination need not prove intent, disparate outcomes alone are evidence of illegal discrimination.”

In a case where lending practices of banks were being contested, Justice Anthony Kennedy swept aside any need to show conscious intent to discriminate. “A bank may assert that ability to repay a loan is an objective criterion for making a loan, and so it would seem on the surface. But what if the ability to repay is unequally distributed along racial lines? That would mean that more whites than Blacks would receive loans. That’s discrimination.”

Kennedy acknowledged that “forcing banks to make loans that are unlikely to be repaid means that other customers will need to be charged more to cover the losses,” but concluded that this would be acceptable “because the beneficiaries of ‘white privilege’ must bear the burden of carrying along those less privileged.”

The Justice invited further litigation against “the entire market system whose emphasis on merit and effort unfairly discriminates against persons with less energy and ambition. The principle that initiative, hard work and good luck ought to determine one’s rewards in life is out-of-step with social justice. Government must not stand aside when by the mere act of redistributing the surplus of output generated by society’s more productive elements a greater overall equality could be achieved.”

Judge Blocks Ban on Dismemberment Abortions

In Kansas, Shawnee County District Court Judge Larry Hendricks issued an order blocking that state’s ban on abortions carried out by tearing the baby limb-from-limb while still in the womb. The Judge’s order came in response to a lawsuit filed by the New York-based Center for Reproductive Rights on behalf of Dr. Herbert Hodes and Dr. Traci Nauser—a father-daughter team of abortionists.

To allow this law to go into effect while the matter is being litigated would deprive the plaintiffs of their livelihood,” Hendricks said. “It would inflict irreparable harm and injury to their recognized right to ply their trade.” Hendricks contrasted this “recognized right” with “the speculative contention that the fetuses subjected to this procedure might endure excruciating pain or other significant losses.”

In 1973, the highest authority in the land decreed that women have a right to obtain an abortion,” Hendricks observed. “It is bad enough that subordinate jurisdictions have repeatedly tried to legislate restrictions to this right, but to permit any limits during litigation would elevate the lesser authority over the supreme authority.”

Hendricks dismissed arguments that women in dire need of this procedure could, in the interim, travel to less restrictive states as “cruel and unduly burdensome on the patients and economically devastating to the plaintiffs. Why should a woman be inconvenienced in any way in the exercise of this fundamental right? Why should two doctors have to lose a single dollar of income while awaiting a court’s decision to void this law?”

Dr. Hodes called Hendricks’ ruling “a victory for women against the insidious invasion of their bodies by unwanted tissue.”

In related news, a group of Satan worshipers are suing the State of Missouri over its abortion restrictions. Specifically, they are contesting the state requirement that women be informed of the fetus’ ability to feel pain at 22 weeks. “We do not recognize the fetus as a separate living entity,” declared Sybil Hagman, attorney for the “Jane Doe” plaintiff. “A state law asserting that the fetus might suffer pain directly contradicts our plaintiff’s religious beliefs. It violates her freedom of religion.” Hagman offered to drop the lawsuit if Satan worshipers were exempted from this provision of the law.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.


This is What Progress Looks Like

By Cathi Herrod, President, Center for Arizona Policy

The country took a significant step forward yesterday when the U.S. House of Representatives passed HR 36 – the Pain-Capable Unborn Child Protection Act. On a 242-184 vote, the House approved legislation sponsored by Arizona’s Rep. Trent Franks that would prohibit most abortions after 20 weeks of pregnancy.

Following the vote, CAP’s General Counsel & Vice President of Policy spoke with the Arizona Republic about this historic vote:

“‘Allowing abortions at that stage is inhumane,’ said Josh Kredit, vice president of policy for Center for Arizona Policy, a conservative social-issues group that supported the bill.

‘This is a great day for America and Arizonans,’ he said, noting a report from the Arizona Department of Health Services that 137 abortions were performed after 20 weeks of pregnancy in Arizona in 2013. ‘This law will literally save lives.’”

The Pain-Capable Unborn Child Protection Act prohibits abortion after 20 weeks because of the overwhelming evidence that preborn children can feel pain at this age. What’s more, abortion at this stage of a pregnancy presents serious risks to the health and safety of women.

The bill now heads to the Senate, where it faces stiff opposition. No matter what happens though, the significance of this bill passing out of the House cannot be overstated. The pro-life movement is making great progress in D.C. and in states throughout the country.

I want to thank all of you who took action and contacted your representative in support of this bill. Below is how Arizona’s delegation voted on this bill. If your representative voted for HR 36, please send them a note thanking them. If they voted no, I encourage you to send them a message letting them know you support life and this common sense legislation.

Justice Suggests Allowing Same-sex Marriage May Not Go Far Enough

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnIn oral arguments over whether states should be compelled to recognize same-sex marriages, Justice Sonia Sotomayor wondered “whether merely permitting gays to marry would be sufficient. The universe of homosexuals is fairly narrow. Why should they be shut out from the larger pool of heterosexuals as potential mates?”

How is a person rebuffing the marital advances of a person of the same sex any different from a baker refusing to cater a same-sex wedding?” Sotomayor asked. “Both are based on prejudicial attitudes towards different lifestyles. Doesn’t government have an obligation to ensure that one person’s rejection of another’s proposal isn’t solely based on an unfounded objection to wedding a person of the same sex?”

While Sotomayor stopped short of suggesting that a person could be legally required to marry a person of the same sex, she averred that “there could be grounds for the payment of monetary damages if the rejection of the proposal were to be based only on the fact that the proposer was of the same sex. Such a rejection would insult the dignity of the proposer and cause mental anguish. Under our jurisprudence, actions which inflict mental anguish on another person are grounds for compensation.”

In related news, Obama Administration Solicitor General Donald Verrilli contends that a Supreme Court ruling forcing states to recognize same-sex marriages would effectively eliminate religious institutions’ tax exemption. “A mandate saying that every state must recognize same-sex marriages would convert the issue from one of religious tenets to one of political rights,” Verrilli argued. “Any further church statements or practices after such a ruling would be political rather than theological. Political activities, unlike religious activities, are not qualified for tax-exemption.”

Filmmaker Demands Police Be Disarmed

Documentary filmmaker Michael Moore issued a statement demanding that police officers in America be barred from carrying firearms and that all imprisoned African Americans be released.

Moore says he sees this “as a long term balancing of the scales. For hundreds of years in this country Blacks were enslaved and at the mercy of white overlords. Cosmic justice cries out for a reversal of this tyranny of white over Black. Let’s see how the white man fares under racial oppression.”

The looting of white-owned businesses in Baltimore was characterized by Moore as “long overdue reparations for slavery” and the random beatings of whites as “no worse than the routine whippings meted out to slaves by white masters. Why shouldn’t whites have a taste of the brutality and fear that Blacks had to endure.”

The filmmaker said that he, personally, will continue to employ armed bodyguards because “I have never been a slave owner and bear no moral culpability for the abuses dished out by whites to Blacks. I have an absolute right to protect myself. All of my bodyguards are professionally trained and licensed. In no way can they be compared to the amateurs who assert their so-called right to bear arms.”

President Censors Film Coverage of Outing

President Barack Obama’s surprise visit to the Teaism Cafe near the White House inspired Time Magazine reporter Zeke Miller to video tape the event. However, the president didn’t want to be taped and ordered Miller to put away his camera. Miller meekly complied.

Press Secretary Josh Earnest explained that “certainly, as the most powerful man on the planet, President Obama has the right to decide which of his activities will or won’t be recorded. He is under no obligation to permit random observations and disclosures of his activities if it doesn’t please him to do so.”

A disappointed Miller rued a lost opportunity, but defended the waiving of his press freedom as “an act of self-preservation. The president can have people audited, harassed, or even killed if he wants. Ignoring his wishes in order to record a few minutes of innocuous interaction with cafe customers just didn’t seem worth the risk.”

Baltimore Mayor Apologizes for Calling Rioters “Thugs”

Baltimore Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake, whose infamous order to police to “give protestors space to destroy,” sheepishly apologized to residents who participated in looting stores, burning buildings, and assaulting passersby for using the term “thugs” to describe their behavior.

My use of the word ‘thugs’ implied that these people were engaged in criminal acts,” she said. “I have since been informed that stealing toilet paper, trashing the businesses of owners who had nothing to do with the death of Mr. Gray, and beating up white people foolish enough to venture into the streets were acts of righteous rage.”

The mayor maintained that “my first instinct to allow people to vent their anger as they saw fit was the correct one. While it may be true that none of the individual victims of the rioting were directly responsible for the crowd’s rage, by being white alone, they were collectively guilty for centuries of Black oppression. I should not have besmirched those who showed the initiative to go outside the customary constraints concocted by white civilization by using racially derogatory terms like ‘thug’ or ‘criminal.’ That I did shows that even those of us most advanced members of the government can be brainwashed by social norms we ought to reject.”

In related news, President Obama justified his refusal to visit riot-torn Baltimore because “to do so would endorse the idea that the City is in crisis when all we’re really seeing is a rough implementation of a redistribution of wealth that has been long overdue.”

Hillary Calls for Restoring Faith in Government

Former Secretary of State and current candidate for president Hillary Clinton bemoaned “the erosion of people’s faith in government” and alleged that “it undermines the ability of those of us who are trying to lead.”

Clinton brushed aside widely perceived impressions that government has done a bad job by pointing out the early history of Christianity’s failures. “Jesus’ performance compares quite unfavorably with what modern government has been able to deliver,” she said. “His people—the Christians—faced centuries of persecution. They were crucified. They were torn apart and devoured by wild animals for the amusement of spectators in the arenas of Rome and elsewhere.”

Contrast that with what modern government has done for its people,” Clinton advised. “We’ve given people the means to survive—subsidized housing, subsidized food. Why, today a single mother with two children qualifies for $35,000 in government benefits. No one is crucified. No one is thrown to the lions. Government has delivered the goods. It should have more than earned the faith of the people.”

The fact that all these government benefits can be had without the burdens of toil demonstrates who the true miracle worker is,” Clinton concluded. “I only hope that voters realize this when they go to the polls.”

In related news, Clinton denounced what she called “an undeniable pattern in police-involved deaths” and called for “a more racially balanced distribution of persons shot by police. It is unacceptable that the ratio of African-American victims of police violence exceeds their proportion of the population. Redressing this imbalance is going to be a top priority of my administration when I’m elected president.”

Kerry Wishes US Had Its Own Ayatollah

Admitting that he’s feeling some frustration over possible Congressional interference with the agreement with Iran that he’s been working on for most of this year, Secretary of State John Kerry avowed that “it would be a lot easier if we had our own Ayatollah—someone whose say so was the final word.”

It’s an uneven playing field,” Kerry complained. “Iran’s supreme leader can just issue an edict and everyone in the Iranian government has to go along. President Obama doesn’t have this luxury. He can issue an edict, but still has to put up with the possibility that Congress will tamper with it by trying to amend the terms or restrict the appropriations that may be necessary to implement it.”

Archaic procedures initiated over 200 years ago inserted multiple levels of authority into the US Constitution,” Kerry observed. “These checks on the President’s authority make our government less efficient. Rather than enabling one person to smoothly set the course for our nation’s policies, multiple contending, and sometimes disagreeable voices are allowed to have a say on matters of the utmost delicacy.”

The Secretary held out the hope that “President Obama may proceed on his own authority as sovereign” and that “Congress will not complicate the issue by insisting on cumbersome procedures that are, quite frankly, an unnecessary bother in our fast-moving world.”

In related news, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ken) assured President Obama that “I am doing my best to stifle unwanted Congressional interference with the Iranian negotiations, but I cannot guarantee success. Perhaps someone from the FBI or IRS could contact some of the Senate’s less pliant members and persuade them of the importance of supporting our joint efforts.”

Jeb Bush Contends He Is “a Latino Trapped Inside an Anglo Body”

In a speech in Puerto Rico, former Florida Governor Jeb Bush (R) told the audience that “I am a Latino trapped inside an Anglo body.” Bush lamented that “there is no ethnic reassignment protocol like there is gender reassignment therapy for a woman trapped inside a man’s body. Nevertheless, I feel as if I am an illegal immigrant and want to do what I can to secure the rights of all my compatriots to enjoy the fruits of US citizenship.”

Homosexual Hotelier Apologizes for Listening to Senator Cruz

Ian Reisner, one of the two gay hoteliers who invited presidential candidate Senator Ted Cruz (R-Tex) to speak at a private party, has, after threats from the gay lobby to destroy his business, apologized for his “insensitivity.”

I had mistakenly believed that my sexual orientation was not the sum total of who I am,” Reisner said. “I had delusions that I could entertain other beliefs about politics that had nothing to do with homosexual rights. But I have been told that listening to Senator Cruz is akin to listening to Satan. It cannot be permitted. It can only lead me into deviation from the correct way of thinking.”

There is no assurance that Reisner’s apology will give him any respite from the LGBT lobby. Horace Hindman, spokesman for Men Who Love Men, asserted that “consorting with Cruz is no minor transgression. Reisner has cast serious doubt on his bonafides as a true member of the gay community. Whether he can ever be forgiven remains to be seen.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Bergdahl Didn’t Desert, Lawyer Says

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnWhile the Army has decided to charge Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl with desertion and “misbehaving before the enemy,” his lawyer, Eugene Fidell, contends that Bergdahl never intended to desert.

“Sgt Bergdahl had serious concerns about the lack of discipline in his unit,” Fidell contended. “Rather than engaging in idle griping, he took the initiative to try to resolve the problem by conducting an independent inspection of the standards and practices of the Taliban. It was his hope that what he learned could help reform the way US troops behaved while in the field.”

“His plan was thwarted when the Taliban refused to let him return to his unit,” Fidell said. “Instead, they held him captive, forced him to convert to Islam, and enlisted his aid in their operations against US troops. This turn of events was a complete surprise to my client. He now regrets his naivete. It would be cruel for him to be punished after he already has suffered enough at the hands of his captors.”

State Department spokesperson Jen Psaki declared that “these new revelations vindicate the President’s decision to make the exchange that brought Sgt Bergdahl back home. We should wish that more of our soldiers were as earnest as he was. It would be tragic if this nation were to repay his service by sending him to prison.”

UN Human Rights Official Says Islamic State More Open to Diversity than West

UN human rights chief Zeid Raad al-Hussein told the Security Council that “the Islamic State is more accepting of ethnic diversity than the western governments that are making war on them.”

“Islam is open to persons of every race, color, or ethnicity,” Zeid pointed out. “It doesn’t matter if a person is black or white. As long as he accepts Allah as his master he can be a full member of the umma. This stands in contrast to a long history in which western governments have oppressed and even enslaved persons because of the color of their skin.”

In support of his contentions, Zeid cited a recent UN Commission on the Status of Women (CSW) condemnation of Israel for violating the rights of Palestinian women. “Israel—a state with western values—is the only one of 193 nations receiving such a rebuke from the UN,” Zeid said. “This is very revealing.”

Unlike some other countries in the region, Israel does not bar Palestinian women from driving a car or being out in public unaccompanied by a male relative. Neither does Israel mutilate their genitals or stone them to death for marital infidelity after they have been raped.

“Women of any race or ethnicity can enjoy the full benefits allotted to them under the Quran,” Zeid boasted. “Their modesty is protected by rigorous enforcement of appropriate clothing. They are insulated from foolishness by strict adherence to the guidance provided for them by their husbands, fathers, and brothers.”

Mayor Suggests that Chicago Airports Be Renamed

In an unexpectedly difficult reelection campaign, Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel sought to rally support by promising to rename the City’s two airports in honor of President and Michelle Obama. The two airports are currently named in honor of World War II Navy pilot Edward “Butch” O’Hare and the 1942 Battle of Midway—an upset US victory over Japan that many historians view as the turning point of the war in the Pacific.

“I don’t mean to denigrate these earlier historic events, but they pale in significance to the impact that President Obama has had on this country,” Emanuel explained. “O’Hare was just one of thousands of pilots who served in the war and Midway was just one battle among dozens. President Obama is America’s first minority president. His innovative approach to governing by executive action has transformed the way we do business without having to go through the cumbersome process of amending our Constitution.”

“And let’s not forget what we all owe to the First Lady,” Emanuel added. “From her soapbox she has broadcast a message of healthier eating that reverberates across the nation. People’s lives are being saved on a daily basis. Surely, this merits greater accolades than whatever Butch O’Hare did—if in fact, he did anything worthy of note. I, for one, am unaware of what that might have been.”

In related news, Emanuel pulled out of a previously scheduled joint appearance with challenger Jesus “Chuy” Garcia saying “I’m the one with name recognition. I’m the one with the huge funding advantage. Why should I help boost my opposition by appearing on the same stage with him?”

President Says Critics Overreacting to Iran’s “Death to America” Rhetoric

President Obama insists that Iran’s “death to America” rhetoric is nothing to get worked up about.

“First of all, it’s just a slogan—like Burger King’s ‘have it your way,'” Obama argued. “It doesn’t really mean anything.”

“Second, it’s not all that negative,” the President continued. “In Islam’s theology, death is the gateway to paradise. For the devout Muslim, hastening the entry into paradise is much to be desired. Granted, unbelievers face eternal torment, but that could easily be remedied by submitting to Allah’s will. So, it is only Americans’ refusal to heed Mohammed’s message that casts an unpleasant pall over the fate of death.”

Clinton Wipes Server, Cites Right Against Self-Incrimination

In what her backers are calling the “perfect checkmate” move, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has sought to blunt all further inquiries into her activities while at the Department of State by completely reformatting the server used for her email correspondence while she was in office.

“Those who are trying to prove that I’m guilty of violating the law will have to do it without access to documents formerly on my own private server,” Clinton announced. “They may grouse that since I used this server for all my official correspondence as Secretary of State that I had no right to destroy these documents. That is mere assertion. I contend that the Constitutional guarantee against self-incrimination gives me every right to withhold evidence that could be used against me.”

It’s not only State Department correspondence that has gone missing. Records relating to the Clinton Foundation’s dubious solicitation of donations from questionable sources was also believed to be on the computer server that Hillary wiped clean.

Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC), Chairman of the House’s Select Committee on Benghazi, saw Clinton’s actions as “obstruction of justice.” Nevertheless, Clinton dared the Republican to make something of it. “I doubt the GOP has the stomach for it,” Hillary taunted. “Even if they could prove obstruction, it’s still a minor irritation compared to what I could’ve faced if I had surrendered the server.”

Congressman Faces Backlash

After calling newly announced GOP presidential candidate Sen. Ted Cruz a “big mouth” and a “failure,” Rep Peter King (R-NY) was shocked to receive feedback in-kind from Cruz supporters.

“People have been phoning my office belittling my accomplishments and asserting that I am all talk,” King complained. “This is disrespectful. No member of Government should have to put up with such abuse.”

King rebutted assertions that his inelegant way of expressing his disagreement with Sen. Cruz may have invited equally inelegant retorts. “I am a member of Congress, the Constitution explicitly protects my right to speak on any matter without fear of being accosted by the rabble,” King maintained. “Ordinary people shouldn’t be misusing the privilege of freedom of speech for intemperate attacks on those who govern them.”

Administration Reveals Secret Israeli Nuclear Weapons Program

The Obama Administration has declassified a top secret file disclosing the details of Israel’s nuclear weapons program.

Press Secretary Josh Earnest characterized the move as “payback for Netanyahu’s deviation from the path laid out for Israel by President Obama. People have got to learn that their actions have consequences. When you defy the world’s most powerful man you can’t expect to get away unscathed.”

Earnest also argued that “it may help level the playing field in the Middle East. Even without nuclear weapons Israel has consistently defeated efforts to annihilate it. By publicly releasing this previously secret information the President hopes it will stimulate Israel’s Muslim adversaries to similarly arm themselves.”

“Geographically, Israel is a very small country,” Earnest observed. “A few dozen well-place nuclear bombs could effectively wipe it off the map. If its neighbors acquire enough such bombs Israel will have no alternative to seeking the protection of the United States’ nuclear umbrella. Of course, that will come at the price of complying with the policies the President has determined they must follow.”

In related news, a recent poll of Palestinians found that 68 percent support Hamas’ rocket attacks on Israeli civilians. “We can’t defeat their army, but if we make life miserable enough with the threat of being blown up an everyday occurrence, maybe they’ll see that the only peace to be had is the peace of death or evacuation,” said one respondent.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

McSally Pads Lead by 28 Votes, Leads by 161

This just in: conservative Martha McSally, a freedom candidate for Congress in Southern Arizona, has stretched her lead to 161 votes against incumbent Ron Barber, a socialist from the party that wants to completely CONTROL your life.

McSally has 109,704 votes. Barber has 109,543 votes.

Oddly enough, 1,007 voters cast write-in votes that would come in pretty handy for each of the party’s candidates if they had received them.

This district has never been well represented. It’s never sent a conservative to Washington.

Stay tuned to the never-ending saga.

*   *   *

On another election-related front, sore-loser socialists are calling for a recall vote of newly elected state Superintendent of Public Instruction Diane Douglas, a conservative. Their false narrative is that she lacks the credentials for the position, though she is well educated and has a great deal of experience in education. The party of CONTROL never met an election of a conservative it didn’t want to overturn or find some activist judge to throw out.

Ebola Czar Said to Be ‘Leading by Example’

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Folder2 104Since he was appointed as President Obama’s “Ebola Czar,” Ron Klain has disappeared from sight. Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest tried to reassure the media, saying that “I recognize that all of you have not had a chance to see him and talk to him every day, but the president certainly has.”

Klain’s exceptionally “low profile” is “all according to plan,” Earnest said. “Ron is leading by example. The best way not to get the disease is by scrupulously avoiding contact with anyone who might be infected. By staying out of sight and not venturing forth to meet anyone for any reason he is keeping himself safe from infection.”

We are hoping that this exemplary self-discipline will serve as a model for voluntary compliance with the President’s desire that people take precautions on their own,” Earnest added. “The fact that Ron can do this by himself demonstrates that we do not need a quarantine on travelers from the west African nations currently being ravaged by the disease.”

Let me close by assuring the American people that their worst fear regarding this deadly disease has virtually no chance of coming about,” Earnest promised. “The president is, and will be, protected at all times. No one who has any prospect of carrying this infection will be permitted within spitting or sneezing range. The Secret Service has been instructed to use lethal force, if necessary, to insure his safety.”

NY Dems Warn Voters

The New York State Democratic Committee (NYSDC) has sent out letters to registered Party members warning them that they are being watched to see if they vote in this election. While the letter tried to assure the recipients that their ballots would be secret, it emphasized that “whether you vote is a matter of public record.”

NYSDC Chairman, former New York Governor David Patrick, characterized the note as a “friendly reminder. The Democratic Party has done its part to secure a lot of benefits for these people. It’s only fair that they do their share to help keep the cash flowing into the welfare programs.”

Patrick denied that the letters might be perceived as threats. “They’re no more threatening than having your big brother point out the importance of good behavior. We’re all one big happy family. Each member has got to do his or her part.”

Rep. Charles Rangel (D-NY) argued that “the minimal effort we are asking pales in comparison to the fate that awaits Democratic voters if Republicans win, namely, a return to virtual slavery, as programs are slashed and people are forced to take jobs in order to support themselves.”

Rangel also suggested that “if the registered voter is unable or unwilling to cast a ballot himself, he at least owes it to the Party to give us advance notice so we can send a proxy to sub for him at the polls. He shouldn’t just let this opportunity to help elect Democrats go to waste.”

In related news, Senator Mary Landrieu (D-La) blamed her sagging poll numbers on “racism and sexism. I am truly ashamed that the citizens of my state are putting their prejudices ahead of their loyalty to me and the President. I’ve done everything I could to back President Obama’s program for America. Instead of thanks I’m getting the heave-ho because of the same kind of bigotry that has long stained Louisiana history.”

Republicans Manipulating Statistics for Political Gain

In remarks this week, former President Bill Clinton denounced GOP attempts to “cash-in” on people’s “misery” under Democratic policies and programs for “political gain.”

Republicans want voters to focus on the lack of economic growth and the huge number of people who can’t get jobs since Democrats took control of the federal government,” Clinton complained. “They want voters to overlook the flip side of this coin. Expansion of benefit programs have made work unnecessary for a growing segment of the population. The increased amount of leisure time our policies have made possible doesn’t show up in the statistics Republicans like to cite.”

Clinton expressed a hope that “the outmoded ‘work ethic’ of previous generations will be seen for what it really is—a sentence to ‘hard labor’ for minimal profit. Once voters realize that there is no shame in living a life free from drudgery, that their needs can be easily met through the generosity of government, they’ll come to their senses and vote Democrat. Ideally, this will happen sooner rather than later.”

While the former president exuded a barely concealed pessimism about this year’s elections, he was far more optimistic about 2016 “when the albatross of the ‘Obama brand’ is removed from around the neck of the Democratic Party. The same policies under a more competent Democratic leadership will, I think, be just the ticket for success at the polls two years from now.”

In related news, the New Mexico Center for Law and Poverty has filed suit to block a state law that would require childless adults to work, search for a job, or participate in community service or job training in order to qualify for government food stamps. Center Director Kim Posich insists that “the work requirement is the very same ‘involuntary servitude’ that was outlawed by the 13th Amendment to the US Constitution. If people don’t want to work that is their unalienable right. For the government to threaten to withhold subsistence as a method of coercing them to work is extortion, pure and simple.”

Administration Bureaucrat Says Canceled Health Insurance an “Invitation”

As more and more people are bounced out of health insurance plans they liked, Health and Human Services Regional Director Joanne Grossie insisted on calling the cancellations “invitations to obtain better plans.”

A lot of times people will lapse into being satisfied with an inferior product or service out of pure inertia,” Grossie maintained. “By outlawing substandard policies the Affordable Care Act forces people to upgrade to better plans.”

Grossie rejected the idea that a person might genuinely prefer a so-called substandard policy. “A single man might think he has no need to pay for coverage of gynecological services, maternity leave, or abortion, but our experts have determined that this is shortsighted and selfish,” Grossie said. “Every man is potentially capable of contributing to a woman’s need for such services and shouldn’t be allowed to shirk his responsibility to share in the cost of delivering them.”

The claim that a gay man has no need to pay for this type of coverage is another false argument,” she contended. “Unless he is castrated he still has the capacity to cause a pregnancy. To guard against this possibility he must have coverage.”

Reports that premiums are soaring for the “better plans” was characterized as a “phony controversy” by Grossie. “To get more, you have to expect to pay more. You may have thought you were happy driving a Chevy, but when the government upgrades you to a Cadillac you shouldn’t gripe that it costs more.”

DOJ Declines to Investigate Emerging Evidence of Vote Fraud

Recent reports of non-citizens voting, multiple voter registrations in different states for the same person, ballots cast by dead voters, and voting machines that flip votes from Republicans to Democrats are unworthy of further investigation, says US Attorney General Eric Holder.

First of all, there could be very good reasons why all of these alleged violations are bogus,” Holder declared. “For example, the notion that non-citizens shouldn’t be allowed to vote is, arguably, a human rights violation. Non-citizens are impacted by government policies. Why shouldn’t they have the right to participate in the selection of those who will make and implement these policies?”

Likewise, a person may own properties in several states and have a keen interest in policies that can affect the value of these properties in each of these states,” Holder pointed out. “Striking such a person from multiple voter registration rolls would deny him the opportunity to defend his property rights at the ballot box.”

Finally, everyone agrees that whatever voting irregularities might exist, they can only change outcomes when the voting is pretty evenly split between contenders,” the AG continued. “It’s not like a decisive margin for a particular candidate is going to be undone by any of these controversial voting practices. If voters are virtually split down the middle, I don’t see how it can be judged a serious disenfranchisement if either candidate is the one who ultimately takes office. Given this tiny impact I don’t believe investing effort to try to ferret out so-called cheating would be worthwhile or a good use of taxpayers’ dollars.”

Philadelphia Cracks Down on UberX

Lee Rudakewich’s car was impounded and held for $1,000 ransom by the Philadelphia Parking Authority. His crime: offering to drive a willing customer to his chosen destination.

Vince Fenerty, the Philadelphia Parking Authority’s Director, rejected the argument that the provided transportation occurring between consenting adults was no business of the City government. “In this city it is not sufficient that private individuals are satisfied with a transaction of this sort,” Fenerty said. “How a person uses his own car is within the purview of our authority. We do not approve of these unregulated uses.”

Fenerty contended that “the privilege of accepting money for giving a person a ride is not available to just anyone. The taxi companies in this city have paid a hefty sum for the exclusive right to provide such service. It is our duty to protect their monopoly as a quid pro quo.”

Neither was Fenerty impressed with the potential for innovations like UberX to help reduce traffic congestion and air pollution, which are “not part of the Authority’s mission. Let’s not forget that traffic congestion helps boost gasoline consumption and the tax revenues associated with that. As far as I’m concerned, people like Rudakewich represent a menace to the City’s revenue stream. There is no need for us to show him any mercy.”

Top Democrat Says Republicans Scarier than Ebola, ISIS

Democratic National Committee Woman, Rep. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (Fla), agreed with CNN host Candy Crowley that Republicans are scarier than either the deadly Ebola virus or the ISIS terrorist army.

Bad as Ebola and ISIS, or ISIL as the President calls it, may be they have the saving grace of representing a nondiscriminatory threat to all Americans,” Wasserman-Schultz contended. “The depredations of the GOP are exclusively targeted against Democratic candidates and Democratic constituencies. If Republicans are successful in selling their message to the voters it will exclusively be Democrats who are turned out of office. It will be exclusively Democratic clienteles who will lose their champions of a wide array of government benefits and subsidies.”

So, my message to Democratic voters is not to be diverted from the very explicit threat to their way of life that a Republican victory on November 4th would impose on them,” the DNC Chair advised. “If you like free stuff and free time, if you don’t want to be harangued into taking a dreary dead end job, get out and vote for every Democrat you can.”

Kerry May Be on Way Out at State

Senator Richard Blumenthal (D-CT) hints that Secretary of State John Kerry may be ousted sometime after the November elections are over. “At best, his performance at this job has been underwhelming,” Blumenthal asserted. “Many of his public statements evince a poor and almost dimwitted perception of the issues. He has grievously embarrassed both himself and President Obama.”

Anonymous White House officials complain that “Kerry is out of sync with the Administration. It’s not so much a case of being wrong about the President’s policies as it is too openly expressing them. On issue after issue Kerry’s candor is repeatedly disclosing matters that should have remained confidential.”

Kerry’s lack of discretion was contrasted to former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s “instinctive understanding of her role in this regard. Her bold, in-your-face ‘what difference does it make’ testimony before Congress on the Benghazi massacre effectively deflected GOP intrusion into the foreign policy prerogatives of the President. Kerry, on the other hand, has been drawing unwanted attention to the President’s intentions before they can become irreversibly solidified.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Obama Nixes Ebola Travel Restrictions

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Folder2 104Despite numerous urgings, President Obama remains determined not to block entry into the United States by persons who may have been exposed to the deadly Ebola virus.

White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest explained that “the President emphatically believes that we are all citizens of the world. This ideal cannot flourish if we bar our doors to fellow citizens. We would do more damage to our image as leaders of a global community if out of fear of contagion we sealed our borders to those wishing to enter.”

Earnest also cited “humanitarian reasons” for not blocking travel to the US from regions known to be infested with the virus. “Suppose it is some afflicted person’s dying wish to visit America before he succumbs, should the President cruelly deny that wish?” Earnest queried. “Besides, it is entirely possible that innovations made by the Affordable Care Act will prove a crucial weapon in the battle against this disease. Is it not part of our obligation to share this benefit with those who are less fortunate?”

David Quammen, author of Ebola and Spillover—books on infectious diseases—argued in support of the Administration’s policy saying that “America’s legacy of slavery demands that it bear the burden of succor to ailing Africans. Many of those suffering from Ebola are ancestors of former slaves sent to Liberia by the American government. If this endangers Americans, well, just consider that part of the reparations they owe for that ancient crime.”

GOP Refusal to Extend Unemployment Benefits Leads to Job Growth

A study published by the New York Federal Reserve found that the number of job openings rose by an estimated 20% in the six months following the lapse of the federal government’s extended unemployment benefits. The lapse occurred because the Republican controlled House refused to vote to extend the benefits.

Fatih Karahan, one of the authors of the study, cited the “mutually reinforcing effects of decreasing the burden on businesses to fund the benefits and decreasing the incentives of recipients to shun employment. If your tax burden of supporting benefits declines you can afford to hire more workers. Similarly, if the reward for idleness is taken away your need to seek and accept employment rises.”

Jason Furman, Chairman of the President’s Council of Economic Advisers didn’t dispute the economic logic of the study’s findings, but suggested that “certain intangible factors may have escaped the authors’ attention. The lapse of the extended benefits may have sent more people back to work, but the study failed to calculate the loss in leisure time experienced by those compelled to take jobs in order to feed themselves and their families.”

A person receiving unemployment benefits is relieved of some of the stress of making a living,” Furman pointed out. “Being forced into the work-a-day rat race will have long term negative health consequences. So too will the loss of extra time to spend with one’s family—both for the employed individual and his children.”

The fact that four out of five new jobs added this past month were in the low wage sector bolstered Furman’s concern that “more may have been lost than gained. When all factors are considered is a low wage job really better than unemployment payments from an individual’s perspective?”

Obama Calls November Elections “Referendum on My Policies”

Miffed that so many Democrats running for reelection have shunned his endorsement and declined to appear in public with him, President Obama sought to take control of the narrative by insisting that “though I’m not on the ballot this November my policies certainly are.” Mortified Democrats raced to microphones across the nation to dispute the President’s assertion.

Senator Kay Hagan (D-NC) called the President’s words “very discouraging and a ‘stab in the back.’ We supported his programs. He needs us in the Senate if he hopes to push ahead with his transformation. We’re on-board with that, but we can’t get there if voters know where we stand. It’s discouraging that his need to be the center of attention has caused him to forget his obligation to his fellow Democrats.”

Senator Mary Landrieu (D-Louisiana) expressed her own frustration, saying “doesn’t he realize how unpopular he and his ideas are with the voters? Obamacare irritates more people each day as they see their insurance premiums rise and find the roster of doctors willing to treat them shrink. The open borders have let in illegal immigrants by the hundreds of thousands. It was bad enough when the biggest risk was exploding costs for welfare to feed, clothe, and house these indigents, but now they appear to be vectors for diseases that may kill untold numbers of Americans.”

Kentucky Democratic Senate candidate Alison Grimes was especially aggrieved. “I wasn’t in Congress,” Grimes fretted. “I didn’t vote for any of the President’s programs. Now, with his latest statements I may never have the chance to help him transform America. It’s just stupid. I thought he’d be a lot smarter than it appears he is.”

A possible rationale for the President’s pitch of a “referendum” theme may be his disappointment that “the gains for the economy have not been broadly shared. People who make investments or who have jobs are reaping a disproportionate share of the nation’s collective wealth. Voters dependent on government for their sustenance need to realize that their votes are needed to ensure the continuation of federal benefits. It is crucial that this key constituency understand that this election is a referendum on my policies.”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) sort of backed the President’s view. “Republicans might win this year, but when voters start seeing their benefits cutback and are herded into jobs they’d rather not have by Republican policies they’ll be champing at the bit to restore Democrats to control both Houses and the Presidency in the 2016 elections,” she predicted.

GOP Criticism over Obama Missing Intel Briefings Panned

Revelations that the ISIS grew while President Obama skipped nearly 60% of his scheduled intelligence briefings has sparked harsh criticism from mostly GOP sources. Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY) characterized the missed briefings as “disturbing and possibly irresponsible. Is ignorance of what’s going on in the world behind what appears to be this Administration’s feckless foreign policy?”

Former Vermont Governor and Democratic presidential aspirant Howard Dean dismissed the criticisms as “baseless. The erroneous premise is that any information that the President might have gleaned from any briefings would have altered his policy decisions. People who know the President are confident that no quantity of intel would have changed his policies in any significant way.”

President Obama is a once-in-a-life-time transformational figure in world history,” Dean said. “He has insights and inspirations that go beyond what more ordinary men can conceive. The chattering of supposed intelligence experts are just distractions that could only deflect him from his destined course of action. Should such a giant fritter away his time listening to the ill-conceived notions of others? I believe ‘no’ is the obvious answer.”

UK Bans Bomb-Sniffing Dogs

Protests from Muslims that dogs are “unclean” has prompted United Kingdom Transport officials to ban the use of dogs to sniff out explosives that terrorists might attempt to smuggle onto transportation vehicles.

Secretary of State for Transport Patrick McLoughlin explained that “for Muslims contact with a dog or even being in the presence of a dog is a certain and serious defilement. Since this is a religious belief rather than just a personal quirk it ought to merit the full protection of the law. I mean, we can’t trample this right merely on the theoretical possibility that without these dogs explosives might make their way onto a plane or train.”

Muslim spokesman Ayatollya Ibombu praised the decision as “a true victory for Allah. Protecting the faithful from being tainted is vital for their ultimate salvation. Even if they are blown to bits their clean status assures that they will enter paradise. This same assurance is available to unbelievers who convert to Islam.”

Reporter “Creeped Out” by Michelle Obama Campaign Rally

Meg Kissinger, a long-time reporter for the politically liberal Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, attempted to cover a Milwaukee campaign speech by First Lady Michelle Obama. She was stunned to discover that she was prohibited from talking to members of the audience.

Michelle’s aide Mary Burke explained that “it is important that the message the First Lady is trying to communicate not be confounded by inappropriate crowd comments to any reporters. This is, after all, her event. She has a right to control how it is perceived and reported.”

To say that I was creeped out is an understatement,” Kissinger said. “We members of the press have been very friendly toward the Obamas. By now I would think we could be trusted not to portray their message in any negative way despite whatever feedback the audience might have given us. For me to get the ‘Potemkin Village’ treatment was a disheartening insult.”

In related news, conservative commentator Dinesh D’Souza was sentenced to reeducation camp in order to undergo therapeutic counseling by Judge Richard Berman of the Federal District Court in Manhattan. “Mr. D’Souza’s contention that others, including President Obama, who have committed a similar offense were not subject to a similar punishment is irrelevant,” Berman ruled. “He holds no government office or related position that would entitle him to the exemption he requests. The very fact that he would ask demonstrates a serious lack of understanding of how the campaign finance laws work.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.