Category Archives: Uncategorized

John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

In a commencement address to graduates of OhioStateUniversity, President Obama urged them to eschew “the deranged rantings of those who see growth of government as antithetical to human liberty.”

The president warned that “this particular form of mental illness can be traced back to the Founders of this country who portrayed the modest efforts of the British Government to instill some much-needed discipline into a so-called tyranny against Americans’ supposed natural rights.”

Obama alleged that “while the people of 1776 could be excused for their ignorance—after all, universal public education would not be implemented for another century or more—graduates of today’s top-of-the-line universities ought to break free of these delusions.”

The president concluded his remarks by encouraging new grads to “join my crusade to transform the ways we think about freedom in this country. It’s not enough to just have the liberty to live one’s own life if you don’t have the means to enjoy it. This is where an enlarged role for government comes into play. By wresting away the undeserved wealth from those who have more than they need, government can acquire the resources to ensure a richer and fuller life for all. By voting eagerly and often you can help make this happen.”

An indication that fear of tyranny might not be as “deranged” as President Obama would have us believe emerged when the IRS was forced to apologize for harassing Tea Party opponents of Obama’s policies. Top IRS official Lois Lerner admitted that “this invasion of privacy for purely political reasons was, of course, wrong. However, to put this into proper perspective, no one died as a result of this abuse of the agency’s authority. And in our defense the harassment was carried out at the request of high ranking members of the US Senate.”

The senators reported to have demanded that the IRS audit or otherwise harry Tea Party members included Robert Bennett (D-Utah), Charles Schumer (D-NY), Al Franken (D-Minn), Tom Udall (D-NM), Jeanne Shaheen (D-NH), Sheldon Whitehouse (D-Conn), and Jeff Merkley (D-Ore).

An unrepentant Senator Franken defiantly defended his request saying “we are at war for the conscience of America. Why shouldn’t we use every weapon at our disposal. These tea-baggers are relentless in their quest to resist their own government. We, who are the government, have every right to fight back as we see fit.”

Mothers’ Day Troop Visit Scuttled by Sequester

House minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) said she will have to cancel her traditional Mothers’ Day visit to US soldiers stationed overseas because of the budget sequester.

“As a kind of madre in loco parentis to all of our persons in uniform I’m sure my absence this year will be sorely missed,” Pelosi opined. “It is yet another cruel sacrificed to be laid at the feet of those in the GOP who are opposed to the President’s request for more revenue enhancements.”

Despite Pelosi’s statement, it is by no means clear that her traditional visits are highly desired nor that she couldn’t still make them. Pelosi has considerable personal wealth and could easily afford to pay for the trip out of her own pocket.

Queried as to why she doesn’t finance such an “important morale-building mission” out of her own ample funds, the former House Speaker asserted that “the implication that I should spend my own money is an insult. High-ranking members of the government shouldn’t have to spend their own money carrying out their public duties.”

Army Sergeant Tim Johnson, currently stationed in Afghanistan expressed mixed feelings about Pelosi’s announcement. “We’re kind of relieved that we don’t have to go through the hoops of entertaining another visit from a Washington big shot,” Johnson admitted. “It does help put things in clearer perspective, though. We can be out here everyday putting our lives on the line, but a Congresswoman can’t spend a few bucks to do what she says is her vital contribution to our mission? Oh please, give me a f*ing break.”

Amnesty the “Least We Can Do” for Illegals

Vice-President Joe Biden hit back at those criticizing the current immigration reform bill as a grant of amnesty to lawbreakers. “Considering everything these people have already suffered through, granting them amnesty is the least we ought to be doing for them,” he argued.

“Think about it,” Biden demanded. “A person in this country illegally had to cross hundreds of miles of baking desert, dodging INS officers along the way. Many had to pay Mexican criminals for the right to pass through their drug territories unscathed. Once here they had to take on menial jobs at low pay while eluding detection and deportation—often for years. These are real achievements worthy of our admiration.”

“In fact, not granting illegal immigrants the dignity of amnesty will send a chilling message to those still aspiring to come to America,” Biden added. “I mean, if in the end, all they can look forward to is, at best, a life in the shadows or worse, being sent back where they came from, why make the effort to come here?”

The Vice-President cited the Administration’s out-reach to the Mexican Government to obtain their cooperation in assisting illegal immigrants to get into the Food Stamp program as “more in tune with where we want to go on this issue. It would be best if Congress could enact an immigration reform that includes amnesty, but if they can’t the President can always use his power to pardon lawbreakers to implement the necessary changes through executive action.”

Senator Says Texting Illegals Will Remind Them to Go Home

Senator Tom Carper (D-Del) contends that “a significant share of the illegal immigration problem is inadvertent. Those who become illegal residents due to expired visas can’t really be blamed.” Carper suggested that “a program that would send text messages to those in the country on visas reminding them that their visas had or were about to expire would, in my opinion, greatly reduce the number of offenders.”

Carper said he got the idea from a similar program run by the Mexican government that texts expectant mothers reminding them of the estimated number of days they have left to cross the US border so their babies can be born US citizens.

Lies about Benghazi Attack Warranted

Now that it is clear that the Obama Administration’s story about the Benghazi attack has been a total fabrication, “Plan B” has been launched. Press Secretary Jay Carney pilot tested the new talking points late Friday.

“Let’s for purposes of argument say that the initial story about a riot over a video was incorrect,” Carney offered. “That doesn’t necessarily mean that issuing the story wasn’t the right course of action. Suppose we move our point of reference from the acknowledged tragedy of the deaths of four Americans to the bigger picture. What happened to these people is not as important as what could’ve happened had we not controlled the narrative.”

“The loss of one Ambassador, bad as this might seem at first glance, pales in comparison to the overthrow of an entire Administration,” Carney maintained. “Is there any doubt that enemies of the President would have used a publicly admitted failure to provide adequate protection or to rescue them afterward for the purposes of persuading voters to oust him from office? Isn’t protecting the head of state worth the sacrifice of a few of those sworn to serve him? Wouldn’t a chess master sacrifice a pawn to save a king?”

“Ambassador Stephens was a true believer in what President Obama is trying to achieve,” Carney went on. “I don’t think there is any question that were he to have been given a choice he would’ve acquiesced in a false narrative regarding his own demise if the payoff was to protect the President from his detractors. We could argue that stirring up the issue at this late date only undermines the cause for which Stephens gave his life.”

Representative Elijah Cummings (D-Md), ranking Democratic member of the House Oversight Committee that is holding hearings on the Benghazi attack said he found Carney’s case “persuasive. Death is part of life. I’m confident that Ambassador Stephens realized that and would be appalled if he knew how his President’s enemies are trying to take political advantage of his death.”

On the other hand, fellow House Oversight Committee member Representative William Clay (D-Mo) blamed everything on “GOP-driven budget cuts. The way they starve the government I don’t see how we could protect anyone from attack. The way I see  it, every dollar withheld from government puts another life at risk.”

Dems Weigh in on Senator Cruz

Though only a Senator for a short time, Ted Cruz (R-Tex) has made a big impression on some influential Democrats.

James Carville, long time consultant to the Clintons, called Cruz “the most talented and fearless Republican I’ve seen in the last 30 years. If we don’t take him down a notch pretty soon we’ll be in big trouble down the road.”

Former New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson said he rued “the possibility that some may mistakenly view him as Hispanic. He may have the skin tone, but he definitely doesn’t have Hispanic attitudes. He would close our borders to the tens of million Hispanics who want to come here. He puts saving taxpayers’ money ahead of achieving social justice. I assure you, he is not one of us.”

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev), who has already locked horns with Cruz on several issues, characterized Cruz as “unacceptably uppity. To get along in the Senate you’ve got to kiss the right butts. It was how I rose to the top. I’m not going to let Cruz opt out of this long-standing tradition. He’ll go nowhere as long as I’m running the show.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

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From the congressional hearing underway on the Obama Administration cover-up of the September 11, 2012 terrorist attack on the Benghazi, Libya compound …

Arizona Congressman Paul Gosar (Republican) asks Gregory Hicks, the No. 2 man at the Benghazi compound in Libya, to respond to Hillary Clinton’s angry outburst “what does it matter?” Clinton, former secretary of state, made those angry remarks in stonewalling a previous congressional hearing into the Obama Administration’s refusal to acknowledge the terrorist attack and its insistence that the attack resulted from an anti-Muslim video.

Hicks said it does matter, contradicting Clinton’s outrageous claim. Another congressman who spoke to the families of the murdered Americans said it matters strongly to them.

Three whistleblowers are testifying on what happened during the terrorist attack, despite Obama Administration lawyers telling them not to cooperate with Congress. They have been subjected to attacks on their job performance, by the Obama Administration, since they came out as whistleblowers. Hicks was demoted in defiance of federal laws protecting whistleblowers.

Hicks also said special forces personnel were “furious”  over being told to stand down during the attack.

Republican congressmen are attempting to find out from the whistleblowers what happened. Democrats are trying to detour the inquiry by complaining about funding issues. These assertions have been sufficiently refuted.

Breitbart.com reports 5 top take-aways:

1. . Two “stand-down” orders were given while the Benghazi attacks were in progress.

2. The “protest” about a YouTube video was a complete fabrication by the Obama administration.

3. Cheryl Mills, Clinton’s lawyer at the State Department, told witnesses not to speak to House investigators.

4. The diplomatic personnel on the ground acted with incredible, unheralded heroism.

5. Democrats came to rebut the eyewitnesses with talking points.

John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

President Barack Obama tabbed Senator John Kerry (D-Mass) as the person he wants to succeed the ailing Hillary Clinton as the nation’s Secretary of State. While the move was not unexpected, the President said “it is imperative that the transition be accelerated before Secretary Clinton’s memory loss becomes too severe and the  encroaching dementia of an elderly woman erases or muddles vital knowledge that needs to be passed on.”

The President also cited the recently released report critical of massive dereliction of duty by key State Department personnel in the September terrorist attack on the Benghazi Consulate as a spur to action. “The forced resignations of Eric Boswell, the assistant secretary of state for diplomatic security, and Charlene Lamb, the deputy assistant secretary responsible for embassy security demonstrate a failure of leadership in this important function of government,” he said. “I cannot stand down from my responsibility to restore Americans’ faith in the ability of their government to perform at the highest possible level of competency.”

As for Clinton’s replacement, Obama observed that “Senator Kerry isn’t just a fresh face. He brings foreign policy experience to the job. This experience began in his youth where after bravely enduring the grievous wounds that earned him three Purple Hearts during his service in the Vietnam War he immediately embarked upon efforts to end that conflict. That these efforts were successful is a testament to his vision and ability.”

Kerry announced that the President has agreed that the top priority in his new position will be to achieve a treaty combating global warming, which he says represents the greatest existential threat to the planet. “The dangers posed by hostile nations and terrorist attacks are puny compared to the damage that will be done by global warming,” Kerry contended. “The people killed by bullets and the buildings blown up by bombs can all be replaced. But once the climate is irreversibly changed there will be no recourse.”

“In fact, inasmuch as a ‘smaller human footprint’ would be a positive step toward averting or ameliorating global climate change, the activities of so-called oppressive governments and terrorist organizations that occasion a reduction in the size of this footprint can be said to have a ‘silver lining,’” Kerry argued.

Democrats Reject Need to Compromise with GOP on “Fiscal Cliff”

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) rejected the need to reach an agreement with House Republicans on taxes and spending. “It doesn’t matter what bills they send over to us,” Reid assured. “We don’t need to do anything. We are not going to do anything.”

Reid dismissed the fact that voters gave Republicans a majority in the House at the same time that they elected a Democratic majority in the Senate and a Democratic President Obama as unmeaningful. “We cannot let a little voter confusion at the polls to derail us from the correct policy,” Reid maintained. “The President is the representative of all the people. Senators are representatives of all the people in their states. Members of the House represent much smaller constituencies. That’s why they’re the ‘lower house’ of Congress.”

“What a lot of people forget is that the expiration of the Bush tax cuts that the GOP is so desperate to avoid is a problem of their own making,” Reid gloated. “The GOP controlled both houses when these tax cuts were passed. If they didn’t want them to expire why’d they give them an expiration date?”

“Reasonable people all agree that Americans need to pay more taxes,” Reid claimed. “Americans spend too much money on stuff they don’t need—big screen TVs, celebrity-endorsed clothes, dining out, fancy vacations, you name it. Meanwhile government is starving for revenue. The President’s compromise, our Party’s compromise is to let the lower income class off the hook. If the Republicans can’t accept that then everyone’s taxes will go up. That’s an outcome we can live with.”

In related news, President Obama suggested that “the Newtown massacre ought to inspire Republicans to give up their futile opposition to higher taxes so we can devote our energies to the more vital task of enacting more stringent controls on the types of guns allowed and the persons who can be entrusted with them.”

NRA Call for Armed School Guards “Reckless,” Says Senator

Maintaining that laws banning guns are ineffective at deterring criminals, National Rifle Association CEO Wayne LaPierre urged that we “harden potential targets. The placement of trained and armed security guards in vulnerable locations would be a more potent defensive measure than the placement of signs declaring these locations ‘gun-free zones.’”

LaPierre pointed out that “Connecticut’s law banning assault weapons had no impact on the madman who killed 20 school children. Government officials themselves don’t place their trust in gun control laws. The President has armed guards to protect him. Many members of Congress have concealed carry permits. They put their trust in self defense. Why shouldn’t our children have a similar protection?”

Senator Frank Lautenberg (D-NJ) called LaPierre’s plan “reckless. How can more guns be the answer? What if the armed security guard turns out to be a madman? The NRA proposal would, in effect, allow armed lunatics to infiltrate our schools and be perfectly placed to carry out their evil agendas.”

In further support of his position, the Senator reminded that “the DOJ’s plan to arm the Mexican drug cartels should have dispelled all illusions that simply increasing the number of guns would be a good strategy. Many of those guns have been used to murder hundreds of people.”

Representative Jim Himes (D-Conn) went even further saying that “those who use the Second Amendment to block the government from confiscating all unauthorized firearms have blood on their hands. There is no question in my mind that public safety requires the elimination of all privately owned guns. Laws making it illegal for private citizens to own guns would greatly simplify law enforcement.”

Himes pooh-poohed the notion that an armed citizenry might be a barrier to tyranny. “First of all, we have free elections, so tyranny is not a realistic possibility in America,”  Himes insisted. “Even if it were, does anyone doubt that the firepower the government could muster would easily outgun civilian resistance? In a worst case scenario, I think most would agree that the potential risk of government oppression with gun control is preferable to the proven risk of random violence when the general population is allowed to have weapons.”

House Ethics Committee Dismisses Charge against Meeks

The House Ethics Committee cleared Representative Gregory Meeks (D-NY) of wrongdoing in connection with his secret acceptance of a $40,000 payment from Edul Ahmad, an individual who subsequently pleaded guilty in a multi-million-dollar mortgage fraud scheme.

While the Ethics in Government Act requires members of Congress to disclose payments received from private parties, Meeks argued that the $40,000 was a “loan” rather than a “gift” and, therefore, exempt from the reporting requirement. Unfortunately, Meeks was unable to document his claim as he says he “misplaced” the relevant papers.

The Ethics Committee report found that “while Congressman Meeks’ excuse for his inability to verify his version of events is ‘lame,’ his word as a member of Congress must be held above that of an admitted felon. Further, the absence of corroboration by members of Congress in such instances is not unusual and, as such, should not be held as conclusive evidence of improper behavior.”

“Congressman Meeks’ contention that he is under no obligation now to repay the loan to ‘an admitted crook’ has merit,” the report continued. “The Congressman’s assertion that the $40,000 is safer in his hands than in Mr. Ahmad’s is persuasive. Members of government are under the scrutiny of voters and can be turned out of office if deemed to be excessively corrupt.”

“Finally, Congressman Meeks’ assertion that others owing far larger amounts have gotten away with not repaying loans is indubitably correct,” the report concluded. “The example he cited of the Solyndra Corporation ‘stiffing the government for over $500 million’ is irrefutable. Lest we set a precedent that works to the disadvantage of every member of Congress, we must absolve Representative Meeks in this case.”

Lawmaker Pleads Guilty to Vote Fraud

Massachusetts State Representative Stephen Smith (D-Everett) agreed to plead guilty to vote fraud in order to avoid a jail sentence. The plea agreement includes resigning from his seat in the state legislature and refraining from running for elective office for the next five years.

Smith’s scam involved casting absentee ballots for ineligible voters as well as casting votes in the names of eligible voters without their knowledge. The scheme was aided by unnamed government officials who helped Smith intercept absentee ballots before they could be mailed to the intended recipients.

Mild as the sanctions on Smith appear to be, US Attorney General Eric Holder expressed concern that “the publicity surrounding this misdemeanor offense could add to the already serious problem of vote suppression in this country. Smith’s crime was one of exuberance. He did not aim to stop anyone from voting. He merely sought to act on behalf of some who were disenfranchised by overly restrictive voter registration rules or other registered voters who may not have had the time or inclination to cast ballots.”

Holder said he may ask President Obama to issue a pardon in order to “avert an anti-democratic bias result.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens Archives

Please do us a favor.  If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and do not change the context. Thank you.

It’s undeniable. The more extreme the Democrat, the higher they rise in politics. And now Kyrsten Sinema, the most radical politician in Arizona history, is going to Washington to represent nearly 200,000 Arizona citizens. This ain’t your grandpappy’s Democrat Party anymore.

At first blush: ouch!

At second … it only fits.

Sinema only fits in with the rest of the Democrats’ D.C. zoo. She’ll blend right in with the zany sit-com cast of VP Joe Biden, Dem chairman Debbie Wasserman Schultz, Henry Waxman, Nancy Pelosi, Al Franken, Hank Johnson (he thought the presence of our military on Guam might cause the island to capsize), the retiring Barney Frank, and many others … without making a ripple.

Meanwhile, more normal American Democrats like Ben Nelson and Bart Stupak are gone.

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Secretary Janet Napolitano told a Senate committee that the Administration is drafting an Executive Order that would grant her Department of Homeland Security “sweeping new powers over the Internet.”

“As we saw this past week, irresponsible use of the Internet by anti-Islamic bigots spawned riots against US embassies throughout the Muslim world,” Napolitano explained. “The Administration needs the authority to interdict inflammatory and dangerous messages before they can cause trouble.”

Napolitano told Senators that “the Executive Order is necessary because Congress has neglected its responsibility to pass appropriate enabling legislation. The President isn’t going to sit by and allow threats to our interests to have unrestrained access to this very potent means of communication just because Congress can’t get its act together.”

The Secretary rejected arguments that restricting access to the Internet violates the Constitution’s First Amendment. “If you read the document carefully you see that the First Amendment bars Congress from making a law abridging freedom of speech,” Napolitano pointed out. “It places no such prohibition on the President. In fact, it could be argued that as the nation’s Commander-in-Chief he has the obligation to take this action.”

Judge Blocks Purge of Dead Voters

State District Judge Tim Sulak issued an order to Texas Secretary of State Hope Andrade to cease and desist in her office’s efforts to remove deceased voters from the rolls.

In his ruling, Sulak said that “the Secretary has failed to demonstrate sufficient grounds for excluding these voters. Just because a person is deceased does not mean that person has no interest in the election’s outcome. Has a deceased parent no concern for the well-being of his children? Of course he does. To arbitrarily deny this interest is discriminatory and, therefore, illegal.”

The Judge rejected the Secretary’s argument that it is impossible to know how a deceased person would vote saying that “friends and relatives acquainted with the views the person expressed while alive may serve as good proxies for casting votes on behalf of the deceased.”

State officials sent notices to the last known addresses of 80,000 voters who the Social Security Administration (SSA) says had died. Those failing to reply with proof they are alive were to be stricken from the rolls.

However, Sulak discounted the SSA as “an unreliable source. Every year this agency pays out billions of dollars on bogus claims. And that’s not counting the billions ‘legitimately’ paid to those who’ve disabled themselves through drug addiction. Using anything from this agency as a basis for any action is highly suspect.”

In related news, a statistical analysis of Ohio’s voting rolls indicates that at least 20% of the registrations appear to be phony. In two counties the number of people registered to vote exceeds the voting age population. The national average is for 70% of the voting age population to be registered to vote. Nevertheless, US Attorney General Eric Holder insists that vote fraud is not a serious problem and warned the Ohio Secretary of State “to refrain from taking any action that may be construed as an attempt to reduce voter turnout.”

President Assures Letterman that National Debt Isn’t Important

Unable to answer a simple question regarding the size of the national debt during an interview on David Letterman’s talk show, President Obama tried to assure viewers that it isn’t important.

“I can’t put my finger on the precise amount,” Obama said. “How about a ‘ballpark’ estimate?” Letterman asked.

“Well, I don’t know, but it doesn’t really matter,” the President replied. “You see, mostly this is money we owe ourselves. I mean, Americans owe the debt and Americans own the debt. In effect, paying the debt is like taking money out of your right pocket and putting it into your left pocket. It’s a wash transaction. We could eliminate most of the debt by simply canceling this shuffle.”

In related news, the United States fell to 18^th place in the annual Economic Freedom of the World report. Chairman of the President’s Council of Economic Advisers Alan Krueger dismissed the report’s importance  saying “it is overly reliant on outmoded ideas that put individual rights ahead of the collective benefits.”

President Sees No Need to Address Mid-East Crisis

Obama campaign spokesman Ben LaBolt said President Obama sees no need for him to brief the American people on the Mid-East crisis.

“How would this benefit him?” LaBolt asked. “The media have already moved on to other issues that are working in his favor. There is no outcry from voters demanding answers as to how this happened. The only people who want him to speak out about it are his opponents. So, I think keeping quite is the smart thing to do.”

Despite the President’s reluctance to speak to the American people, he and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton have invested $70,000 in TV ads in Pakistan. In the ads both make appearances to express their apologies for the “Innocence of Muslims” video held to be a contributor to the recent riots in several Islamic countries.

Obama kicked off the ad saying, “We reject all efforts to denigrate religious beliefs of others.” Clinton followed up by reminding that “the United States Government has absolutely nothing to do with this video,” and urging that “your anger should be focused elsewhere.”

Another placating move under consideration is the possible release of Omar Abdel-Rahman, who is currently serving a life sentence for his role in a plot to conduct assassinations and destroy bridges, tunnels and other landmarks in New York City. Clinton defended the move as one motivated by compassion. “The man is, after all, blind,” she explained. “He’s been in jail for nearly two decades. Releasing him is unlikely to harm us and could go a long way toward mollifying those threatening violence unless he is released.”

President Says He Can’t Change Washington from the Inside

In a gaffe that some are calling “Bidenesque,” President Obama sought to divert attention from his broken promises by claiming impotence.

“The most important lesson I’ve learned is you can’t change Washington from the inside,” he told the audience at at a forum hosted by the Spanish-language TV channel Univision. “You can only change it from the outside.”

A nonplussed host inquired, “If you can’t change it from inside why are you running for reelection?”

“As frustrating and unrewarding as being the president may be, I feel it is my duty to occupy that chair in order to prevent malevolent forces from taking over the country,” Obama answered. “As we have seen, my opponent has great animus against the 47% who rely on government for their living. Allowing him to be elected would be seen as a validation of the notion that people should be expected to fend for themselves.”

“It’s taken us about three generations to get to that 47% level,” the President continued. “That’s a lot of progress, but we can’t let ourselves be satisfied with only half a loaf. While we can probably never get to 100%, I hope that reaching 98% or 99% might be attained during my lifetime. I’m confident that with another term we can reach the tipping-point where a clear majority is aligned with our program. Once that happens the transformation I envision for America will never be undone.”

In related news, Presidential Press Secretary Jay Carney maintained that “Romney’s ’47%’ remarks may effectively disqualify him from serving as president. His disdain for dependency puts him out-of-step with the moral mainstream of our society. Those who rely on government to meet their basic needs shouldn’t have to live with the fear that they might be forced to enter the workforce against their will. Romney’s made a thinly veiled attack on a way of life that I think voters will soundly reject come November.”

Blasphemous Video May Lead to Extraditions

The Egyptian Government has issued arrest warrants for seven Egyptian Coptic Christians and American pastor Terry Jones on charges of “harming national unity, insulting Islam, and spreading false information.” The charges stem from the belief that these persons are linked to the “Innocence of Muslims” video.

Egyptian President Mohammed Morsi is expected to demand their extradition when he meets with President Obama in New York and Washington this week. The US State Department and Department of Justice are reported to be reviewing the case.

“It’s an interesting question,” mused Attorney General Eric Holder. “Normally, we’d think it’s a freedom of speech issue. If the impacts were strictly confined within our own borders the First Amendment might be deemed decisive. However, since the impacts have mainly been felt outside our borders it may not apply.”

According to UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon, the US Constitution’s protection of freedom of speech does not apply when someone’s values and beliefs are offended. “Freedom of expression should be and must be guaranteed and protected, when they are used for common justice and common purpose,” Ban said. “However, those who insist upon being disagreeable must not be allowed to claim the privilege of free speech.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens Archives

Please do us a favor.  If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and do not change the context. Thank you.

Tonight, Bill O’Reilly’s email list included this from Bryan Smith of Marana, Arizona:

“Bill, do you really think every protest movement is full of drugs? Did you sleep through the Team Party demonstrations?”

To which O’Reilly replied:

“Lots of Bayer aspirin on display there, Bryan. I should have said ‘left-wing protests.’”

Let’s check the Arizona Tea Party photo file and see if we can find evidence of drug use:

Congressman David Schweikert defeats Congressman Ben Quayle. Schweikert says Quayle was “very gracious” in his concession call, and it was “big boy politics.”

Former Cong. Matt Salmon defeats former Arizona Speaker of the House Kirk Adams in another contentious congressional race.

Former Cong. Jeff Flake smashes Wil Cardon in the GOP Senate primary to replace retiring Jon Kyl.

Kyl and Sen. John McCain lose two of three races congressional endorsements. Kyl had said “It’s time to turn things over to Ben Quayle” and “to Kirk Adams.” Voters had the final say over Kyl’s attempt to call the shots.

* Denotes Candidates Endorsed by The Arizona Conservative

• Denotes Winners

ARIZONA SENATE (Contested Races)

ARIZONA HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES (Contested Races)

ARIZONA CORPORATION COMMISSION

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

The Obama campaign rejected an offer from Cardinal Timothy Dolan to deliver a prayer at the Democratic National Convention in September. As head of the Archdiocese of New York and president of the Conference of Catholic Bishops, Dolan is considered the top Catholic official in the U.S.

The offer was refused because “this nation is in a desperate struggle between good and evil,” said Obama campaign spokesman Adam Fetcher. “It is imperative that those who care about the outcome take a credible stand. We can no longer tolerate the type of amoral straddle Dolan is trying to pull off.”

The “straddle” appears to be Dolan’s agreement to deliver a prayer at the Republican National Convention next week. Dolan’s spokesman, Joseph Zwilling, explained that the Cardinal’s offer was “an assurance that his role at the Republican convention is not intended to be partisan.”

Fetcher wasn’t buying Zwilling’s explanation. “An even-handed willingness to pray for this country’s enemies sends voters the wrong message,” Fetcher argued. “We cannot allow Dolan’s fundamentally seditious actions to undermine the essential truth of the Democratic Party’s crusade to save America.”

As an example of the Cardinal’s “seditious actions,” Fetcher cited his prayer that Hurricane Isaac not disrupt the Republican convention. “We need to do everything we can to ensure that evil doesn’t win,” Fetcher insisted. “Bad weather in Tampa would be helpful in that regard. As we can see, though, Dolan’s not on the same page.”

Chicago Planning to Whip Employees into Shape

Employees of the City of Chicago are being given the opportunity to voluntarily sign up for a new “wellness” program. Those who don’t sign up will be assessed a $600/year penalty—a protocol remarkably similar to the “tax” levied by the IRS on those who fail to purchase insurance under Obamacare.

Mayor Rahm Emanuel praised the program saying “it will change lives. Left on their own, too many people degenerate into massive blobs of flab. It is our job to see that this doesn’t happen.”

The program will require employees to go through a physical and mental health assessment, comply with mandatory annual check-ups and immunizations, and participate in a prescribed exercise regimen.

Emanuel characterized the program as “a first step. Ideally, everyone, not just City employees, should participate. This will give us an opportunity to pilot test a new, healthier lifestyle for all.”

The program’s resemblance to military boot camp is not coincidental. “Those opposed to good health are deriding this program as some sort of ‘boot camp,’” Emanuel said. “I say so what? In the Army, out-of-shape weaklings are turned into physically fit fighting machines. Recruits may chafe under the training, but is there any question they’re better off for it?”

Inasmuch as the death toll from shootings in Chicago exceeds that for US troops in AfghanistanmaybeCity residents should be trained for combat.

McCaskill Urges Akin to Stay in Race

Embattled GOP senatorial candidate Todd Akin received some words of encouragement from his opponent, sitting Senator Claire McCaskill (D-Mo).

“I know a lot of people have been urging him to bow out,” McCaskill observed. “But really, why should he? Look, he’s obviously confused about biology. As the President said, he must have missed science class. But there are worse things to be confused about.”

“A worse thing to be confused about is ethics,” McCaskill went on. “President Obama, for example, opposes giving aid to aborted babies that survive the procedure. I mean, once the child is outside the mother how does it harm her health to save its life? I think the President is on pretty weak ethical ground here. Yet, I don’t hear anyone calling for him to bow out of the presidential race.”

McCaskill suggested that “voters might want to consider splitting their ballots. They could do the ethical thing by voting against the President’s reelection and the smart thing by denying the intellectually challenged Akin’s bid to unseat me.”

DOJ Seeks to Hire More People with Mental Problems

The Department of Justice, responding to an Executive Order issued by President Obama, issued a memo to all sections encouraging them to hire more persons with “targeted disabilities.” Among the disabilities targeted are people with “severe intellectual disability,” “psychiatric disability” and other “current severe physical, intellectual or mental conditions.”

Attorney General Eric Holder defended the Order saying that “the President doesn’t just talk the talk, he also walks the walk. From his selection of Joe Biden to be his running mate President Obama has taken a strong stand on behalf of the rights of the mentally disabled. It is his belief that for a democracy to be truly representative it has to draw from every segment of the population. Does this mean that the deranged and the stupid must be given their fair share of the responsibilities of governing the nation? Yes, it does.”

For his part, Biden embraced his role as “poster boy” for the mentally impaired, boasting that “the President be puttin’ us all back in chairs.”

In related news, Vice-President Biden blamed Republicans for mortgage foreclosures. According to Biden, Republicans in Congress are blocking the Administration’s plan to forgive all mortgage debt. “Here we have a cost-free solution to provide free homes to everyone, but can’t get cooperation from the GOP,” Biden complained. “Our message to the middle class is simple, if you’re tired of having to pay your mortgage vote Democrat.” Biden said he was confident that “a reelected President Obama would have the mandate to bypass Congress and enact mortgage forgiveness by Executive Order.”

Jesse Jackson Lambastes Republican Class Warfare

The Reverend Jesse Jackson laid into the GOP for “fomenting class warfare,” insisting that the “Romney/Ryan idea that people should be allowed to keep what they earn is divisive.”

“The way to unite all classes is to put everything into a common pot and dole out shares based on need,” Jackson maintained. “This is the basic Democratic plan. This election, voters are facing the biggest choice of their lifetimes. Do we go backward toward a selfish, every man for himself system as the Republicans want? Or do we move forward toward a new tomorrow of equality and sharing as President Obama wants?”

Jackson argued that “Romney wants to run this country like a business. Feasibility, affordability, and return on investment are his litmus tests. Obama wants to run this country like a family. Love is his litmus test.”

“The question voters should be asking themselves is do they want a ‘boss’ who demands that they go to work, evaluates their performance, and only gives rewards to those who do their jobs?” Jackson asked. “Or do they want a ‘dad’ who lets them have another piece of pie and stay up late to watch their favorite TV show because he loves them? We’ll know in November.”

Book Barometer Misleading Says Obama Campaign

Statistics on book sales at Amazon show that conservative titles are out-selling liberal titles by a 56% to 44% margin. Fearing that this may create the impression that conservative ideas are winning, Obama campaign adviser David Axelrod cautioned that “we not leap to unwarranted conclusions based on these numbers.”

“Reading is an activity favored by intellectually curious and verbally oriented people,” Axelrod argued. “This is neither a majority of the population nor a strong Democratic demographic. It does not represent the sizable contingent of persons who respond emotively to more pictographic stimuli.”

Axelrod pointed out that “since the more viscerally inclined segments of the population that have been the foundation of the Democratic Party’s base do not buy or read books we are not surprised by the Amazon data. We are confident that come election day this vastly larger cohort will overwhelm the much smaller group of GOP eggheads represented by these statistics.”

DHS Stocking up Ammo

This year the Department of Homeland Security has purchased a reported 750 million rounds of hollow-point bullets. To help put this in perspective, US troops fighting in Iraq used about 70 million rounds/year.

In an effort to quell apprehensions as to the intent of her agency, Secretary Janet Napolitano emphasized that “it is important that the government not be out-gunned by its enemies. We must have the firepower to suppress anyone who may rise against us.”

Napolitano also cited the lack of skill of the forces under her command compared to potential enemies. “The extra rounds are needed to offset the larger ratio of misses we anticipate may occur should we have to face opponents trained by the NRA or similarly able terrorist-related organizations.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

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Please do us a favor.  If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and do not change the context. Thank you.

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

President Barack Obama told Air Force Academy graduates that “the world is entering a new ‘golden age’ thanks to me. I have bridged the differences that set America apart from what were our adversaries in an earlier era.”

The president cited his “reset button” policy for bringing the US and Russia closer together. “I have transformed Ronald Reagan’s ‘evil empire’ into a true partner for peace,” Obama boasted. “President Putin and I are on the same page when it comes to issues of war and peace. I can’t tell you all the details right now, but we are jointly working to fundamentally change the way our two nations interact.”

“We have also reached a new understanding with Islam,” he continued. “Their leaders have accepted the sacrifice of the renegade Osama bin-Laden as a necessary step if we are to mute anti-Islamic anxiety and achieve a more harmonious environment for cultural interchange, learning, and enlightenment. The day when every Muslim can freely practice his religion wherever he might find himself is closer than it has ever been.”

The president also tried to reassure Academy grads that “though we are cutting back on military expenditures, salaries and pensions won’t be on the chopping block. It is our weapons, not our young men and women in uniform that create fear throughout the world. As we reduce our dominance in weapons of mass destruction we will reduce the perceived threat we pose to the rest of the world. History will look back on this moment as the fountainhead of a new humanity—homo pacificus—that will usher in peace for all time.”

In related news, New York City’s PS368 has made learning Arabic mandatory. “Considering the way things are going, we deem it prudent to teach our students these critical language skills,” said Principal Nicky Kram Rosen. “Those who can’t communicate in the dominant language will be at a significant disadvantage. Look at how immigrants who don’t speak English end up at the bottom of the economic heap.”

Obama Campaign Recovers Loot from Capitalist Pirates

President Obama’s reelection campaign press secretary, Ben LaBolt rebuffed criticism that the campaign’s acceptance of donations from Bain Capital employees is hypocritical. Bain has been castigated by Obama for preying upon vulnerable businesses and looting them for selfish gain. Bain is the firm that GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney worked for before he became governor of Massachusetts.

“Those who don’t understand the President’s thinking imagine that he is inconsistently benefiting from the ill-gotten gains of those engaged in reprehensible conduct,” LaBolt said. “In reality, he is recovering this money, purifying it, and putting it to use is his crusade to transform America from a culture of greed into one of collective welfare and universal brotherhood/sisterhood for all humankind.”

LaBolt characterized the campaign’s receipt of donations from “repentant capitalists” as akin to the Catholic Church’s receipt of donations from mafia gangsters. “The ways in which the donors may have obtained the money might be depraved, but the uses to which the donations are put are considered laudable,” LaBolt insisted. “The Church claims it is saving souls. We are in a battle to save this country from the forces of darkness.”

In related news, Obama’s reelection campaign received the endorsement of Larry Flynt, the owner of the pornographic magazine Hustler and associated website. “From my perspective, President Obama has over-performed,” Flynt said. “Many of those he has liberated from the drudgery of employment now have more time to enjoy our products. Our revenues have seen a boost over the past three years. How could I not support the man who has been so good to us.”

Racism Said to Be Reason for Anti-Obama Vote in Dem Primaries

The Democratic presidential primaries in West Virginia, Arkansas, and Kentucky were all won by President Obama. Still, approximately 40% of the votes went for, respectively, an incarcerated felon, a virtual unknown, and “uncommitted.” Similar less than dominant outcomes in a few of the 1968 primaries inspired incumbent President Lyndon Johnson to withdraw from the race. No Obama withdrawal is anticipated.

Campaign adviser David Axelrod attributed the showing to “residual racism. To those who are stunned by this—after all these were Democratic primaries—I suggest they take a look at history. The three states we are talking about are all in the South. Southern Democrats have historically been racists. The defenders of slavery were all southern Democrats. The South is where the Ku Klux Klan has traditionally been most powerful. So, the fact that some rump of the Democratic Party in these states would come out and vote to try to embarrass a Black president should surprise no one.”

Axelrod said he didn’t think that these outcomes presage problems for the President’s reelection. “The anti-racist majority backing the president didn’t have much incentive to vote in these primaries,” he pointed out. “The President is already a lock for the nomination. They will come out to vote against racism in November.”

In related news, the New Black Panthers’ National Field Marshal, King Samir Shabazz, warned that “our tolerance for this kind of disrespectful voting is wearing thin. We are going to take over this country block-by-block. Crackers like these will soon find themselves in the cemetery where their future votes can be cast more responsibly and respectfully by those who really care about the Black man’s rights.”

President’s “My Sons” Reference Explained

President Obama’s campaign speech defending his healthcare policy on the grounds that “my daughters should have the same economic opportunities as my sons” has puzzled observers. Only two daughters (Malia and Sasha) have been explicitly acknowledged by the president.

Press Secretary Jay Carney explained that while “it is obvious that the president and first lady have only the two daughters currently living with them in the White House, critics shouldn’t be jumping to the conclusion that he misspoke. Statistics show that the average urban Black male fathers 3.2 children out-of-wedlock. Earlier in his life, the president was a member of this demographic. Given the roughly 50-percent chance that a child could be male, that would work out to 1.6 male offspring per urban Black male. So, statistically speaking, the president’s desire that his daughters enjoy the same rights as his sons is probably accurate.”

President Blames Deficit on “Greedy Taxpayers”

Despite running up federal deficits at a faster pace than any previous president, Obama says he is not at fault. “Deficits aren’t the result of spending alone,” the President pointed out. “Deficits occur when there is a gap between spending and revenue. If you look at the trends for both you will see that it is the revenue line that has flattened while the spending line has remained pretty much on track with prior periods.”

Of course revenues aren’t keeping up because taxpayer earnings aren’t keeping up. Business profits are down. Employees have been thrown out of work. The base upon which the tax revenue stream is founded has shrunk. Nevertheless, Obama complained that “These people are selfishly focused on their own problems. They pressure their congressmen to oppose the tax increases that are necessary to cover government expenses. When deficits inevitably soar they take no responsibility for how their own greed has caused the problem.”

Vice-President Joe Biden echoed Obama’s thinking in a speech accusing the Tea Party of “thwarting President Obama’s plan to save the economy. We’re trying to get everyone to pitch-in to help us get out of the recession. But these Tea Party guys got voters worked up using the false notion that whatever they own is theirs by right. Well, in this country, it’s the government that determines who owns what. It is our view that the government  must control all our resources in order to ensure that they are used effectively and efficiently. Reelecting the President is the only way we can guarantee that this happens.”

The president also got support from Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev), who said that “Americans must get used to paying higher taxes if they want the government to continue to serve them.” Reid denounced the idea that the government might already be taxing us too much as “extremism of the worst sort. It’s not the terrorists who pose the biggest threat. It’s those who would starve government of the resources it needs.”

School Withholds Medication, Cites Rules

Deltona (Florida) High School student Michael Rudi suffered a potentially life-threatening asthma attack while attending classes. Though an inhaler prescribed by Rudi’s doctor was available, the school nurse withheld it from him because the school could not locate a signed permission form from his parents.

The school’s Director of Student Health Services, Cheryl Selesky, defended the nurse’s action saying that “it’s a matter of liability. If we allow him to medicate himself without having the proper papers filled out and he dies, the parents could sue us. If we follow our rules the blame for any ill consequences falls on the parents for their failure to complete the required paperwork in a timely manner. It’s basically a ‘no-brainer’ decision for us.”

Selesky admitted that the school’s back up policy of calling 911 was not implemented. Instead, the nurse locked Rudi in her office “to prevent other students from possibly being traumatized by seeing one of their classmates suffocate to death. I know the student’s mother and others may be second-guessing what we did, but we have a responsibility to the collective well-being of all our students. No individual’s situation, no matter how dire, can be allowed to override this responsibility.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

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Please do us a favor.  If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and do not change the context. Thank you.

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

President Obama asked voters to forgive him if he sometimes fails to feel their pain over lost employment, foreclosed homes, and mounting personal debt.

“I’ve led kind of a sheltered life,” the president admitted. “I went to private schools when I was young. I had a scholarship to go to college. I never really had to worry about working to pay my own way. Now, of course, as president, I live in a big house with dozens of servants. I have my own jumbo jet to fly me wherever I want. So, you can see how it might be hard for me to relate to the common people.”

Obama said he hoped that voters wouldn’t forget that “the recession is not my fault. It started before I got here. I’ve done everything I could to try to correct the problem. What other president has spent as much to try to heal the economy? I mean, how much more generous could I have been?”

Obama’s Aunt Complains of Abuse in Autobiography

President Obama’s aunt Zeituni Onyango has recently published a memoir of her time in America. The book is titled Tears of Abuse. It alleges that her time in this country has been nothing but torment.

Residing in the United States illegally from 2002 until she was granted asylum by the Obama Administration in 2010, Zeituni’s book complains of the “shabby accommodations” and “meager sustenance” she was forced to suffer through while on public assistance during that period. “I had to live in public housing amidst an agglomeration of the common riffraff,” Zeituni wrote. “There was no one to prepare my meals. I was given food stamps and told I had to fetch my own food and cook my own meals. I felt humiliated.”

Obama’s aunt attributed her treatment to “America’s racist mindset. My nephew was an important figure in the government—first a state senator, later a US senator, and finally the president. Still, I was denied the status befitting someone whose family member was part of the ruling class. This wouldn’t have happened to me if I were white.”

Thus far, the book’s sales have been weak—a phenomenon Zeituni says further bolsters her case that she has “been the victim of racial discrimination from the first day I set foot in this God forsaken land.”

Question about Secrets on Third Grade Test Defended

New Jersey third-grade public school students were asked to disclose a secret about their lives and discuss why it’s hard to keep. Parents who raised objections over what possible relevance such a question could have for assessing a child’s academic progress were said to be “overreacting” by school authorities.

“First of all, the answers to this question aren’t graded, per se,” explained Elinor Schnoop, spokesperson for the New Jersey Department of Education. “A student can’t fail the test no matter what answer he or she gives. That’s not the purpose for asking this question.”

The purpose is apparently “more socially oriented.” “Let’s say the secret is that the child is being abused at home,” Schnoop said. “Wouldn’t that be important information for the school to know? Or what if the student is gay or masturbates? The school could take steps to reassure the student that this is perfectly normal.”

Safety was another rationale offered. “What if the secret is that the parents have a gun in the home?” the Schnoop asked. “What if the parents have deviant political views, belong to a militia, or are anti-immigrant? Teasing this kind of information out of students could help promote national security.”

Democrats Make Same-Sex “Marriage” a Major Political Issue

President Obama announced that his thinking has evolved to the point where he now supports the idea that persons of the same sex are entitled to marry one another. “Look, Jesus spent his career in the company of men,” Obama pointed out. “He never married. I think we have a pretty good indication that it was only the prejudice of the religious and secular authorities that prevented him hooking up with one of the Apostles—perhaps the famous ‘beloved apostle.’ I say it’s time that prejudice and repression of homosexuals come to an end.”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) said she is hoping that the president’s endorsement of gay marriage will persuade voters “to look past economic disappointments and reward the President and his Party for this momentous achievement. The president’s courageous decision is a reminder to us all that petty concerns over paychecks and jobs pale in comparison to the need to establish equal rights for all. President Obama filled my heart with joy. I think his action here fulfills Jesus’ message of universal love.”

Representative Barney Frank (D-Mass) predicted that this open endorsement of gay rights will be a winning issue for Democrats in November because “it gives America’s homosexual majority the incentive to come out in force to reelect the President. I would advise every Democrat to get on this bandwagon while they can.” The first wave of Democrats taking Frank’s advice included Representatives Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (Fla), Nita Lowey (NY), Jim Himes (Conn), Jared Polis (Colo), Peter Welch (Vt), Xavier Becerra (Calif) and Jackie Speier (Calif).

In related news, a bill that would make it a crime to try to dissuade children from choosing a homosexual lifestyle is expected to pass in that state’s heavily Democratic legislature. California Senate Bill 1172 would make it illegal for therapists, psychologists, counselors and parents to engage in any kind of “sexual orientation change efforts” for children 18 and younger. The bill’s sponsor, Senator Ted Lieu (D-Torrance), maintained that “a person’s sexual orientation is in his genes. Anyone who attempts to divert a person from his or her gay destiny is committing a crime against human nature.”

President to Crack Down on Obesity in Second Term

Contending that obesity is a bigger threat than Islamic terror, White House chef and food initiative coordinator Sam Kass says that combating this threat will be a major focus of the president’s second term.

“Let’s face it, too many of us are too darn fat,” Kass observed. “Given the opportunity to freely choose their own diets a distressingly large percentage consistently make the wrong choices. Preventing these wrong choices is crucial to the collective health and well-being of our society.”

Of course, preventing wrong choices is a daunting task in a free country. Kass hinted that indoctrinating youth would be one way to make this happen. “In the First Lady’s ‘Let’s Move’ program I’ve seen kids dancing and cheering for vegetables,” Kass remembered. “Getting adults to join in is the next step.” For those skeptical about the prospect of adults dancing and cheering for vegetables, Kass pointed out that “they do it in China.”

Kass declined to speculate on whether a so-called “fat tax” might be enacted, but argued that it could be very persuasive. “If you’ve got to pay more for every pound of blubber you add you’ll think twice about having a cheese burger or a dessert,” Kass maintained. “In my opinion, issuing an Executive Order imposing such a tax is something President Obama should consider.”

NAACP Flunks GOP Legislators

The latest National Association for the Advancement of Colored People annual Civil Rights Legislative Report Card gives every Republican member of the U.S. House and Senate a failing grade.

NAACP President, Benjamin Jealous, explained the grades saying “the GOP has consistently opposed advancing the interests of African Americans. Their argument that they want a ‘color blind’ rule of law explicitly rejects the idea of special help for our people. Equal opportunity is not enough to compensate us for centuries of slavery and oppression.”

Jealous suggested that the GOP might improve future grades by helping pass reparations legislation. “Incalculable harm was done to our ancestors,” Jealous said. “If we took every last dime a white man earned in his lifetime it wouldn’t repay the damages caused by his ancestors. Many generations would need to toil to pay off this debt. Voting to get started on retiring this debt might move the GOP up to a grade of ‘D.’”

Bin Laden Alibi Memo Called “No Big Deal”

Revelation that CIA Director Leon Panetta drafted a memo that would’ve been used to absolve President Obama of blame had the mission to kill Osama bin Laden failed was labeled “no big deal” by Presidential Press Secretary Jay Carney. Targeted to take the fall was Naval Special Operations Commander Adm. Bill McRaven.

“Protecting the president is ‘job #1′ for everyone working for the federal government,” Carney contended. “The president is the essential man in our government. Everyone else is expendable. I mean, who’s ever heard of McRaven? Would it be the end of the world if he were made a scapegoat?”

“Realistically, sacrificing one man’s career is a small price to pay for preserving the president’s credibility,” Carney added. “Taking the blame for your Commander-in-Chief is an obligation that any soldier or sailor should be proud of. He could’ve been asked for a lot more. After all, Secret Service agents are routinely expected to take a bullet for the president. Next to that, being designated a fool or blunderer for a botched mission should be considered a walk in the park.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens Archives