New Clinton Defense on Email Scandal: ‘Everybody Did It’

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnA recent discovery that former Secretaries of State Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice may have received a handful of classified emails on their private computers prompted Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton to claim she’s been exonerated.

The vast right-wing conspiracy trying to derail my campaign has been rebutted by this new evidence,” Hillary contended. “Singling me out when the use of private computers for transmitting classified government communications was standard practice reveals the baseless hypocrisy of their charges.”

Rep. Darrell Issa (R-Calif) says “Clinton’s ‘everybody did it’ argument is a gross distortion of reality. It’s akin to a notorious drunk driver with numerous moving violations endangering the lives of many asserting that she is no different from the law-breaker once cited for overstaying at a parking meter. Clinton’s unsecured private server was explicitly intended to hide her communications from scrutiny. More than a thousand classified documents were found on it. Several were more sensitive than ‘top secret.’ Clearly, she intentionally flouted the law and, as a result, needlessly endangered national security.”

Clinton rejected Issa’s stance as “a bean-counter’s approach to justice. Either having classified material on a private computer is right or it is wrong. If it is right, the number of times it occurs is irrelevant. If it is wrong, then all—including former Republican Secretaries of State—need to face the same charges.”

Ironically, the candidate concluded her attempted exculpatory argument by pledging to make cybersecurity a top priority in her administration as president. “The Hell I’ve had to go through over emails I thought were securely deleted was a tough, but important lesson,” she maintained. “No government official of cabinet rank or above should have to fear that his or her secrets can’t be kept secret. Therefore, I am promising the American people that if they elect me to rule them I will protect these public servants from intrusions on their privacy and will use any means necessary to do so.”

In related news, Hillary outlined her litmus test for future Supreme Court appointments in her upcoming administration. “Anyone I nominate will have to embrace progressive values,” she told attendees at a New Hampshire rally. “This includes a commitment to support a woman’s unconstrained right to an abortion, full recognition of gay marriage, and the enforcement of the rights of everyone to choose their own gender identity and receive the universal acceptance and accommodation to which they are entitled by law.”

DC to Pay Criminals to Refrain from Crime

Washington, DC Councilman Kenyan McDuffie proposed and the City Council unanimously adopted a measure that will pay criminals to refrain from committing crimes. Under the plan, residents with a sufficiently impressive rap-sheet will be paid up to $9,000 in cash per year for each year they aren’t convicted of a crime.

This is not some lame-brained scheme that any smart aleck can game,” McDuffie boasted. “Only those who can document their criminal behavior will be eligible for the stipend. By paying the ‘worst-of-the-worst’ members of our community to cool it we will have a greater impact than if we put more cops on the street.”

The move met with an enthusiastic reception on the streets. A local community leader known only by his street moniker: “The Big Banger,” averred that “we are always looking for ways to expand our cash flow. I think most of my guys have the reps to qualify for the payouts. Those few that don’t could still crack a few heads or boost some merchandise if that’s what it takes to get in on this.”

Apprised of “Banger’s” comments, McDuffie said he was encouraged. “I’m confident that if we partner with the people who really control the streets we can transform the social structure of our City. We’ve already got feelers out to both the Clinton and Sanders’ campaigns to see if either will commit to this new way of restoring order to our society. It would be great to have a broader impact than just in DC.”

In related news, some DC welfare moms are unhappy with the free accommodations the City is providing. Due to a shortage of public housing 730 families are being housed in area hotels. The amenities include prepared meals, cable TV, internet WiFi access, and maid service. Tiera Williams complains that the two-room suite they gave her is “too small, there aren’t enough choices of food, the TV is only basic cable, and the maid wakes me up too early. The paying customers at the hotel get room service with a bigger menu and pay-per-view TV. Giving us less is discrimination. I thought Obama was supposed to transform America. Or do I have to wait for Sanders before everything is free for all.”

ISIS Recruits Assert “Combat Immunity” Defense

Five Minnesota men currently facing charges of criminal conspiracy after being caught preparing to go to Syria to fight for the Islamic State are demanding that charges be dismissed.

Moosli Krahp, attorney for the five, stipulated that “the Islamic State has engaged in acts the rest of the world holds to be atrocious. However, these terror tactics are forced upon them by the superior firepower of their enemies. The West and its puppet allies can strike from the air. Civilians may be killed, but are quickly labeled ‘collateral damage.’ Well, the beheadings, torture, and similar actions carried out by the Islamic State are a necessary part asymmetric warfare. They are sanctioned by the government of the Islamic State and the soldiers who carry them out are not criminals. They are lawful combatants under the Geneva Conventions.”

If the actual troops of the Islamic State are lawful combatants, then these five men, none of whom has yet to engage in combat, are merely future combatants, at best,” Krahp said. “Their apprehension inside the United States before they have had the opportunity to participate in the alleged atrocities is premature.”

Minnesota prosecutor Lars Hammarskjold rejected Krahp’s arguments, but added “even if we were to entertain the notion that these men are bonafide Islamic State combatants, they were caught outside of enemy lines and out of uniform. Under the Geneva Conventions that would make them spies subject to summary execution.”

In related news, legislation that would bar terrorists from receiving food stamps was introduced by Rep. Bruce Poliquin (R-Maine). Poliquin’s bill isn’t expected to succeed in becoming law. President Obama has already promised to veto it if it reaches his desk. “The type of discrimination this legislation would institutionalize is an insult to our obligation to ensure the blessings of liberty are secured for all of our people,” the President declared.

Former President Carter Endorses Trump

Former Democratic President Jimmy Carter says his favorite GOP candidate for president is Donald Trump. He explained the surprising endorsement by pointing out “Trump is completely malleable. I don’t think he has any fixed positions. From my perspective this is more preferable than a far right wing ideologue like Ted Cruz.”

Cruz would clearly be an enemy of the progressive policies Obama has implemented,” Carter continued. “He’d try to undo them and would shut down the government if he felt it necessary to achieve his goals. With Trump I think we could be confident that wouldn’t happen. Trump has been a good friend of the Democratic Party over the years. I think he would work with Democrats to try to improve upon and extend the gains already made.”

Trump expressed his gratification “that a man who has held the office has made a wise choice” and suggested that “I’d be willing to consider former President Carter as a possible running mate. Putting someone with actual experience in the on-deck circle could make for a powerful combination. And the former president, unlike some in this race, is a natural born citizen.”

Carter said he was “flattered to be considered by Mr. Trump, but he needs to understand, my view is merely that he is the least objectionable of the Republicans. I will, of course, support the Democratic Party’s nominee.”

Perhaps a more significant boost to Trump’s candidacy came via a survey indicating that 14% of federal employees say they will quit if he is elected president. Trump Campaign Manager Corey Lewandowski applauded the finding: “While other candidates have to wrack their brains looking for ways to make government more efficient, Donald has already inspired a significant number of bureaucrats to declare they will ‘self-deport’ from the federal payroll once he’s president. I’d say this gives Donald a leg up over the competition.”

Hillary Defends Huge Speaking Fees

Under a constant barrage of criticism from Democratic presidential rival Sen. Bernie Sanders for her cozy relationship with Wall Street, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton contended that she was just being polite in accepting $200,000 per hour for speeches she gave at Wall Street’s request.

Look, this is what they offered me,” she explained. “Was I supposed to have bargained for lower rates? If I had, would Senator Sanders now be accusing me of favoritism toward those firms? Let’s not forget, in some instances I got even bigger speaking fees from universities. How could I, in good conscience, take less from the bankers than I took from the students?”

As much as Bernie hates Wall Street shouldn’t he be congratulating me from imposing a ‘tax’ on them and liberating that money from their greedy hands so the Clinton Foundation could put it to more socially beneficial purposes?” Hillary speculated. I mean, how much money has he liberated from these corporate pirates?”

Meanwhile, despite Sanders’ political demand that the government force every employer to pay every employee no less than $15 per hour, low level members of his staff receive only $12 per hour. Sanders sees no hypocrisy. “I’m well within my rights,” he insisted. “Currently, there is no law that says I must pay them more. Besides, my beef is with the commercial segment of our society. A businessman’s selfish desire to maximize profits is not protected under our Constitution. My right as a candidate for office to minimize my campaign expenses is.”

In related news, Clinton called an unlikely series of winning coin flips in all six Iowa caucus precincts that showed an equal number of votes for her and Sanders “proof that God wants me to be president.” The mathematical odds of such an outcome: one in 64.

Obama Pitches Muslim TV Shows

Appalled by the over-representation of Muslims as terrorists in national security themed TV shows, President Obama called for broadcasters to air a more varied array of programs featuring Muslim characters.

One idea I came up with is a family comedy,” the President said. “There’s this daughter who refuses to marry the nephew her father has chosen for her. So, the father and nephew shoot her and dump the body in a river. But she comes back as a ghost or zombie and haunts them with a series of weekly pranks. In one episode the daughter disguises herself as salesperson in a supermarket and tricks her brother into eating a fried pork rind by telling him it’s dry-roasted goat intestine. The father finds out and cuts the boy’s tongue out as a punishment. The daughter returns and reveals herself. The father tries to kill her, but she’s already dead, so he can’t. Hilarity ensues.”

Another idea I had is modeled on ‘The Bachelor,’” Obama exclaimed. “Each week a young Muslim man will be asked to choose between a ten-year-old girl, boy, or donkey. He will be allowed to ask questions, grope the options, and use a ‘lifeline’ to the imam of his choice. After he makes his selection, the newly wed couple will be escorted to a small tent on the stage to consummate the marriage while the studio audience cheers them on.”

These are just a couple of ideas off the top of my head,” Obama admitted. “I’m sure if Hollywood were to put its mind to it we could come up with more.”

In related news, the President blamed “inexcusable political rhetoric for giving Americans a distorted impression of Muslims” and “are largely responsible for violent retaliation like we saw in San Bernardino last year. We need to end the cycle of violence by passing House Resolution 569 and outlaw, once and for all, the unnecessary and offensive disparagement of the Islamic faith in our country.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

Arizona Champion of Life has Gone to the Ages

Just saw this posted on Facebook by John Jacubczyk, past board president of Arizona Right to Life:

Carolyn Gerster M.D. passed into her eternal rest today. Dr. Gerster was involved in the pro-life movement for over 40 years. She was a founder and president of Arizona Right to Life. She was one of the founders of the National Right to Life Committee. She served as president of NRLC. Her amazing skills were known throughout the country and later throughout the world. She spoke in over 48 States and on six continents. Please join me in praying for her soul and praying for her family.

Gov. Ducey Wants Arizona Out of the Ninth Circuit

By Cathi Herrod, President, Center for Arizona Policy

Today, Arizona Governor Doug Ducey issued a call for the U.S. Congress to establish another federal circuit court of appeals that removes Arizona from the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals.

In his call, Gov. Ducey stated, “…due to its voluminous caseload and disproportionate size, the Ninth Circuit has an abysmal turnaround time of over 15 months for an average ruling… Arizonans deserve better than this from the people in power, and that includes a judicial process that is judicious in nature. It’s time that Congress takes overdue action to resolve this crisis in our courts.” Ducey further pointed out that the Ninth Circuit is consistently overturned with a 77 percent reversal rate.

Arizona Attorney General Mark Brnovich joined in stating: “The Ninth Circuit is overloaded and it’s bringing on new cases faster than it can resolve old ones. Reform in this area is long overdue.”

Read the full press release here as well as Governor Ducey’s letter to Congress here.

Action Needed:

  • Urge your U.S. Senator and Congressman to make this much needed change!
  • Forward this email to a friend! It is crucial that Arizona’s Congressional Delegation hear from the citizens in their state.
  • Thank Governor Ducey! Send an email to the Governor to thank him for seeking this much needed change in our judicial process.
  • Pray! Pray that Arizona’s U.S. Senators and Representatives will stand boldly and seek a judicious legal process for the citizens they represent.

The Arizona Conservative says: Bravo to the governor’s efforts! And to CAP for supporting this measure. They took the high road and didn’t say this … but we will say it: in 99.9 percent of the social issues cases going up to the Ninth Circuit, this controversial court will rule against conservatives. The deck is stacked in San Francisco, in favor of judicial activism. And it isn’t fair.

Rep. Schweikert will not tangle with mud-slinging McCain in this year’s primary

Arizona superstar conservative Congressman David Schweikert confirmed he is not planning to run against entrenched U.S. Senator John McCain in this year’s Republican Primary.

We have long recommended Schweikert for a Senate run, but we know it will be extremely difficult to get the RINO out of the Senate. Too many people have been wasting their vote on a veteran and former POW to give him the boot. That’s a sad, but true, fact of life in Arizona.

It will be left to Arizona Senator Dr. Kelli Ward to brawl with McCain, who does two things every time he’s up for election:

First, he claims to be a conservative.

Second, he destroys any conservative who gets in his way.

McCain lacks the temperament and the principle to be a good Senator. His career is one of complacency and under-performing. We deserve better representation.

Senator Jeff Flake is a McCain puppet, and we strongly recommend Schweikert go after his Senate seat at the first opportunity. Again, Arizonans deserve better representation than we are getting from this McCain shadow.

NY Dems Demand Conservatives Leave State

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnWhile at odds over whether the state or the city should get to expropriate citizens’ wealth, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo (D) and New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio (D) both agree that “there is no place in the state for ‘conservative extremists.’”

The extreme views deemed by Cuomo to be “not who New Yorkers are,” include “opposition to abortion, refusal to accept gay marriage as the law of the land, and an anachronistic attachment to the notion that access to guns for self-defense can be tolerated in today’s world.”

These extreme views go beyond the bounds of civil disagreement and create a schism that endangers the very fabric of society,” Cuomo contended. “It would be best if those holding unacceptable political positions were to remove themselves from the state before something awful happens.”

We all understand there’s a right to free speech,” de Blasio said. “But the Governor is right. As chief executives of our respective jurisdictions we have a duty to protect citizens from having to listen to ‘hateful words.’ Those who characterize abortion as ‘infanticide’ hurt the feelings of the millions of New Yorkers who support this therapy for unwanted pregnancies. The fact that many who make such a characterization also support private ownership of firearms poses a threat to New Yorkers’ values that government has an obligation to suppress.”

Obama Rejects Idea that Women Should Arm Themselves

When a rape victim queried President Obama at his recent town hall meeting to promote his latest set of executive actions impeding acquisition of firearms by law-abiding citizens he rejected her notion that having a gun for her own protection was her best option.

I’m sorry you were raped,” the president told Kimberly Corban, “but fortunately you weren’t killed. Most rape victims are not killed If we allow you to have a weapon, though, the risk of someone getting killed jumps up to an unacceptable level. You acknowledge that your assailant was unarmed. You both came away from the encounter alive and without life-threatening injuries. I call that a ‘win-win’ outcome compared to what might have happened if you had pulled a gun to try to prevent the rape.”

Corban, who has struggled with depression, PTSD and stress-related seizures since she was raped was neither persuaded nor mollified by the President’s response or his reasoning. “The restrictions President Obama is adding make it harder for me to own a gun or harder for me to take that where I need to be is actually just making my kids and I less safe,” she asserted. “His fear that I might accidentally shoot myself or, as he put it, ‘unjustly impose a death penalty on my attacker’ conveys a total lack of sympathy or understanding.”

In related news, MSNBC decided not to do an interview with Juanita Broaddrick, a woman who says Bill Clinton raped her in 1978, “because, as it turns out it’s just old news. The alleged rape took place nearly 40 years ago. The statute of limitations expired long ago,” said network spokesman Moe Lester. “Even though it is candidate Hillary Clinton’s position that ‘every survivor of sexual assault deserves to be heard, believed, and supported,’ we do not believe the current campaign should be diverted from more pressing issues by listening to an aged rape victim’s accusations.”

German Government Urges Non-Muslims to Stay off Streets “for Own Safety”

The German government’s inability to cope with the flood of refugees Chancellor Angela Merkel invited into the country took an even more distressing turn when all non-Muslims were urged to stay off the streets for their own safety. Reports that police have been ordered not to interfere with unruly mobs of Muslim men out of fear that arresting these lawbreakers would be perceived as “racist” has left citizens and police uneasy.

We thought we were letting in women and orphans as a humanitarian gesture, but 95 percent of the refugees appear to be footloose young men with no manners and no respect for the law,” complained a frightened Berliner. “It’s the worst things have been in Germany been since Soviet troops ravaged our cities and our women in 1945.”

Frustrated police claim they are under pressure to falsify reports in order to make crimes seem less serious. “One refugee tried to cut another’s throat,” an officer requesting anonymity explained. “Normally, we’d write this up as ‘attempted murder.’ But the higher-ups told us to classify this as ‘a minor scuffle with slight injuries.’ Our basic rule of thumb is it’s better to just let the perps run away.”

Dept of Health and Human Services Hails Gains in Able-Bodied Adults on Food Stamps

Since President Obama took office the number of able-bodied-without-dependents who are receiving government food subsidies has soared by 370 percent. This increase in participation by persons who in another era would have been expected to fend for themselves was hailed as “great progress on the President’s goal of transforming America,” by Secretary of Health and Human Services Sylvia Burwell. “Relieved of the burden of feeding themselves, these individuals are free to pursue goals higher on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.”

One of the favorite “higher goals” of this segment of the population is smoking. Fully 50% of the subsidized beneficiaries are smokers and spend about $111 per month on the habit.

Unfazed by the food subsidy’s enabling recipients to indulge in unhealthy behavior, Burwell boasted that “we also have a vigorous anti-smoking educational campaign to try to offset this unfortunate byproduct of what everyone recognizes as an essential humanitarian undertaking. And if our education efforts fail, fiscal hawks ought to appreciate the budgetary advantages of earlier mortality among those who do smoke.”

Planned Parenthood Sues Anti-Abortion Group

Planned Parenthood (PP) has filed suit against the Center for Medical Progress (CMP) alleging that “CMP has callously and covertly exposed us to suspicion and ridicule by airing private negotiations for the illegal sale of body parts salvaged from terminated fetuses.”

The suit alleged irreparable harm including “loss of taxpayer funding of abortions in some states, a decline in donations from benefactors horrified by the videos’ portrayal of dismembered fetuses, insensitive Planned Parenthood officials and their rampant enthusiasm for turning unwanted human waste into useful items like expensive cars and bonuses for Planned Parenthood personnel.”

Congresswoman Diane Black (R-Tenn) labeled the suit “an attempt to intimidate Planned Parenthood’s critics. Most of America was appalled to learn of the crass and cruel practices going on at Planned Parenthood. Most of America is opposed to forcing taxpayers to subsidize the human sacrifice taking place behind closed doors of this manager of abattoirs for the most helpless of our species.”

Cecile Richards, president of Planned Parenthood Federation of America argued that “regardless of whether the activities disclosed in the videos is criminal, there is a proper procedure for going forward. That procedure requires that a warrant be obtained before any taping is done. This procedure protects the rights of mafia racketeers and it also protects the private dealings of Planned Parenthood. The so-called evidence obtained by CMP was not undertaken after a judge-approved warrant. It is, therefore ‘fruit from the tainted tree’ and inadmissible as evidence of any wrongdoing by Planned Parenthood. At the same time, it is irrefutable proof that CMP has grossly invaded Planned Parenthood’s privacy.”

The suit demands that “all of CMP’s videos be erased, all its assets be seized and confiscated, and that all the principals at CMP be punished to the maximum extent permitted by law.”

In related news, Hillary Clinton vowed to make abortions free if she is elected president later this year. “Rich people who can afford to pay can have all the abortions they want,” Clinton pointed out. “Poor people shouldn’t have fewer rights just because they can’t afford to pay for their abortions. It is government’s obligation to ensure equal rights for all. I will guarantee that abortion is a right that no one has to pay for when I’m president.”

Sanders Refuses to Explain How He will Pay for All the Free Stuff He’s Promising

Socialist candidate for the Democratic presidential nomination Sen. Bernie Sanders refused to answer any questions about how his Administration will pay for the plethora of taxpayer-subsidized loot he is promising to voters, saying that “it would spoil the surprise.”

Does anyone demand that Santa Claus lay out a budget for all the gifts he gives?” Sanders wanted to know. “On one level, it would be rude to look a gift horse in the mouth. From a more practical standpoint, if I tip my hand ahead of time the people I’m going to ask to bear the expense may try to move their property out of my reach.”

The candidate contended that “it should be enough for voters to know that I will be taking from those who have more than they should in order to give to those who have less than they should. People should have faith that their government can be trusted to do the right thing. I am the candidate who will restore that faith.”

Pelosi Justifies $150 Billion Payout to Iran

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) acknowledged that “Iran may do bad things with the $150 billion that will be released to them as part of the deal negotiated by the Obama Administration.

Will they fund terrorist cells?” Pelosi asked. “Undoubtedly, but these terrorists will only kill thousands. A nuclear weapon could kill millions. Under this premise, paying billions that would enable terrorists to kill thousands seems a worthwhile trade off.”

Sometimes you’ve got to make a deal with the devil,” she added. “For example, look at the deal Chamberlain made with Hitler in 1938. A small sliver of land in Czechoslovakia was ceded to Germany. Did Germany do bad things to the people living in this land? Yes, but the deal bought almost a year’s worth of peace before the start of World War II. In the Iran deal we’re buying ten year’s worth of peace at the risk of a few thousand casualties. It’s clear to me that we’re making a good purchase.”

Obama Blames Economic Stagnation on Republicans Behaving Selfishly

Rather than consider the possibility that the sluggish performance of the economy during his presidency may have something to do with his policies, President Obama blamed everything on “the GOP’s selfish unwillingness to accept the will of the people and support my agenda.”

It is difficult to grasp the president’s logic, though, since Congress, both before and after the GOP had the majority, has essentially acquiesced in every one of the President’s budget requests and has failed to block any of the Administration’s regulatory initiatives or executive actions.

The GOP leadership in Congress may have funded the programs, but they refused to silence their party’s extremists who continually railed against what they called tyranny,” Obama complained. “This undermined the faith of the people in their government and bred a fatal skepticism that questioned the wisdom of an expansive, humane, and nurturing state.”

The president acknowledged that “I didn’t exploit all of my options to the fullest extent. We let the IRS intimidate conservative opponents of my agenda, but we could’ve gone further. The FBI has a rich lode of embarrassing information that we did not use as assiduously as we might have. And there were options that I, as Commander-in-Chief could have ordered our military to carry out against these domestic enemies.”

In related news, Obama vowed he would veto legislation introduced by House Oversight Committee Chairman Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-Utah) that would reduce presidential pensions for those making more than $400,000 per year after leaving office. “Cutting my pension based on the premise that the millions I expect to earn from books and speeches means I don’t need the money is unfair,” Obama complained. “I earned that pension from eight years of selfless public service. It is not the government’s role to supplant the rewards I’m owed for my effort by redistributing public funds due me based on someone else’s arbitrary notion about what I don’t need. That’s socialism. I won’t stand for it.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.