Yes on Prop 122

Americans for Prosperity’s Arizona chapter has recommended a YES vote on Arizona Proposition 122: Rejection of Unconstitutional Federal Actions, stating Prop 122 will provide Arizonans with a way to protect themselves from overreaching and harmful federal policies.  AFP-Arizona strongly endorses Prop 122.  

Taxpayer Watchdog Group: YES on Phoenix Proposition 487

By Tom Jenney, President
Americans for Prosperity, Arizona Chapter

YES on City of Phoenix Proposition 487 -- Prop 487 would solve the City’s nearly $1.5 billion unfunded pension liability problem by moving new employees to a plan similar to the 401k plans that are common in the private sector.   Prop 487 would fix the City’s scandalous $190 million pension spiking problem by limiting the excess pension benefits given to current employees.

Former Obama Press Secretary Says GOP Unfairly Exploiting Administration’s Failures

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Folder2 104The incoherence of President Obama’s foreign policy and the cascade of domestic policy scandals are being unfairly exploited for political gain according to former Obama Press Secretary Robert Gibbs.

Hitting a man when he is down is just plain dirty,” Gibbs maintained. “It’s disloyal and unpatriotic. Rather than criticize the President, Republicans should be looking for ways to help him recover from the battering he is taking in the media. That would be the decent thing to do.”

Gibbs was especially outraged that “the GOP hasn’t given the President enough credit for what he has accomplished. President Obama came into office with less executive experience than any other president in American history, with the possible exception of Lincoln. Yet, despite this handicap he was able to pass landmark health care reform and win reelection by a sound margin.”

The former Press Secretary expressed “hope that voters will look past the scurrilous attacks narrowly focused on so-called performance and remember why they voted for the President in the first place. There can be no question that his efforts to make government ‘cool’ have changed the way Americans think about how they want to be governed. Voting for the Democrats on their ballots in November will help him stay the course.”

State Department Praises Hamas-Fatah Alliance

A thawing of the rivalry between Hamas and Fatah was hailed by State Department spokesperson Jen Psaki as “a positive step toward resolving the issue of Zionist occupation of Palestinian lands. This helps thwart Israel’s attempt to drive a wedge between Muslims.”

From a broader perspective anything that stops Muslims from fighting amongst themselves is an encouraging development,” Psaki said. “Different sects of Islam have been warring against one another for centuries. Jihad is a noble endeavor that should not be frittered away on internal disagreements. This needlessly siphons off energy that could be more productively employed for the good of all Muslims. We look forward to the day when all Muslims are united in one ummah, not just in Palestine, but worldwide.”

In related news, the US State Department declined to condemn ISIS’s trafficking in slavery. As part of its reign of terror in Syria and Iraq, ISIS has kidnapped and sold an estimated 2500 Christian women as sex slaves for their jihadi warriors. “As I understand it, these transactions fall under the guidance of the Quran,” Psaki observed. “Condemning the sales just because they contradict western values would insensitively disregard the deeply held religious beliefs of over a billion Muslims. I mean, Muhammad, the Prophet of Islam, held slaves. How could we justify criticizing his followers for emulating his model?”

CDC Clarifies Obama Statement on Ebola

President Obama’s attempt to reassure people that “you can’t get Ebola from sitting next to someone on a bus” directly contradicted the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) advice for people who have returned from Ebola infested west African nations to avoid taking public transportation.

The President seems to have misunderstood what we told him,” CDC Director Tom Frieden explained. “Of course, the President would never have to worry about catching Ebola from a fellow bus passenger because he never rides on public transportation. How he generalized this into a notion that no one could catch Ebola from close proximity to a carrier in a public place is a mystery to us.”

As for the question foremost in the minds of every American, let me alleviate everyone’s worst fears: your President is in no imminent danger of contracting this deadly ailment,” Frieden promised. “You may all go about your daily lives knowing that every measure, no matter how costly, will be undertaken to insure that he remains safe.”

In related news, Frieden nixed the idea of a travel ban, calling it “unnecessary. There are simpler ways for us to insulate the President from exposure to Ebola than banning travel from west Africa to the United States. There is no need for us to negate the fundamental human right of individuals to travel wherever they wish. In fact, it is logical that a person who suspects he has Ebola would want to come to this country where he could expect to face better odds of recovering than if he were confined within the borders of the African Hell-hole he lives in. Blocking his efforts to escape would be cruel and inhumane.”

Frieden also mused that “the possible upside of allowing Ebola to spread to the United States is that it would inspire Congress to approve desperately needed increases to the CDC’s operating budget. Senators and Congressmen are frequent users of public transportation—taxis to the airport, commercial airlines back to the home state. I expect that self-preservation would push them to boost our budget once Ebola gains a foothold in this country.”

Kentucky Candidate Rebuffs Ballot Question

The Democratic candidate for the US Senate in Kentucky, Alison Grimes refused repeated queries as to whether she voted for Obama in either 2008 or 2012.

People may think they have a right to know, but they don’t,” Grimes forcefully asserted. “In this country we have a secret ballot. No one has the right to demand to know how I cast that ballot.”

Louisville Courier-Journal editor Pam Platt defended asking the question when Grimes appeared at the paper’s editorial board meeting to seek its endorsement in her race to unseat Republican Senator Mitch McConnell. “The secret ballot is meant to protect the private citizen from potential government harassment for voting the ‘wrong way.’” Platt said. “But Grimes is seeking to become a member of the federal government. Knowing whether she voted for President Obama would give our readers some insight into what policies she might support if she is elected.”

Grimes stubbornly tried to cast her refusal to answer as a mark of personal integrity. “I could’ve just lied and said I voted for McCain and Romney, but I didn’t,” Grimes argued. “I’m bigger than that. If people want to know where I stand on the issues they can go to my campaign website to find out.”

Whether Grimes’ campaign statements are a valid reflection of where she stands, though, was thrown into doubt by a recent covertly obtained video in which Juanita Rodriguez, a Grimes campaign supporter, admitted that Grimes’ claimed backing of Kentucky coal miners was bogus.

Obama’s Attempt to Cast GOP as “Party of Billionaires” Muddled by Fund-Raising Event

President Obama’s efforts to try to differentiate Democrats from “billionaire Republicans” was undercut by his own participation in a posh fund-raiser sponsored by billionaire Rich Richman.

Though the entry fee for the event ranged from $1,000 to $32,000, the President insisted that “it was an opportunity for the middle class to have a say in the electoral process” contending that “the $1,000 minimum fee was less than half the annual $2500 savings in health insurance premiums that each middle class family has experienced under the Affordable Care Act.”

As for billionaire host Rich Richman, the President asserted that “there are some great Americans—Richman, Soros, Buffett, to name a few—who haven’t had their values warped by money. These aren’t evil billionaires using the free market to amass wealth for selfish purposes. These are men who are aligned with progressive policies, who are cooperating with our effort to promote the collective welfare of those the government has taken under its wing.”

Maryland Governor Declares WiFi a Human Right

In what some project to be the opening gambit of a potential 2016 presidential campaign, Maryland’s Governor Martin O’Malley (D) declared that access to WiFi is a human right.

I’m not saying that people should merely be free to purchase and use WiFi at their own expense,” O’Malley clarified. “Doing what you please and paying for it out of your own pocket is an archaic conception of basic human rights. It may have been fine for our nation’s Founding Fathers because they didn’t know any better. Fortunately, we’ve made significant advances in our thinking since then.”

A key phrase that O’Malley thinks ought to guide modern thinking is one that appears in the standard “Miranda warning” that police give to arrestees regarding their right to an attorney: “if you cannot afford one, one will be provided for you at government expense.”

People can’t really be said to be free if their resources are insufficient to fulfill their needs,” O’Malley contended. “WiFi has become such an ingrained part of modern life that everyone must be entitled to participate. After all, man does not live by bread alone. If we can justify feeding, clothing, and housing the poor how can we draw a line that bars them from enjoying the abundance available to their better off peers?”

Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass), a projected rival for the 2016 Democratic presidential nomination called O’Malley’s declaration “an interesting opening to a whole new philosophy of freedom in this country. My only criticism is that we must go further than just universal free WiFi. No person in America should have to go without anything that anyone else has merely because of insufficient funds. We must evolve out of the anarchic individualized distribution of wealth in this country toward one where government plays the main role in guaranteeing a more equal allocation to all.”

Colorado Senator Opposes Any Limit to Abortions

In a debate with Rep. Cory Gardner, his Republican opponent for the state’s US Senate seat up for election in November, Senator Mark Udall (D-Colo) took a strong stand against any limits on abortion.

I know that it might sound cruel to say that a fetus on the verge of birth might have to be aborted because that is the mother’s decision, but the alternative is just so abhorrent that this seeming cruelty must be seen as the lesser evil,” Udall proclaimed. “For the government to step in at any stage of the pregnancy to stop its termination is the equivalent of saying that the woman is a slave to the fetus and must place its interests ahead of her own.”

This country fought a bloody war to abolish slavery,” the Senator reminded. “To allow this inhuman practice to creep back into our laws under the guise of protecting innocent lives would be the ultimate betrayal. The women of this state, and America for that matter, need to know that their government has their back and will not shy away from the hard choices they have to make about life or death and how they will use their own bodies.”

Despite some gasps from the audience, Udall said he remains confident that his seemingly callous attitude won’t hurt him with the broader electorate. “Right now my refusal to allow these debates to be televised is looking pretty damned smart,” he boasted. “By the time what I said is filtered through the media I’ll look like the second coming of the Great Emancipator.”

Senator Minimizes Concern for Those Who Lost Health Care Insurance

In a debate with GOP opponent Ed Gillespie, Senator Mark Warner (D-Va) expressed little concern over the reported 250,000 Virginians who lost their health care insurance coverage due to Obamacare.

Look, every battle has casualties,” Warner blandly commented. “What we need to do is weigh these against the gains achieved by the Affordable Care Act, of which I believe there were many.”

Among the gains cited by Warner were coverage for preexisting conditions, equal prices for men and women, and keeping children on parents’ plans until age 26. As good as these provisions may sound to Obamacare advocates, they yield no benefit to the 250,000 Virginians who lost coverage due to the ACA.

Warner blamed “penny-pinching business owners for putting profit ahead of the public policy that all be insured. Saying that the costs of the ACA would bankrupt them is no excuse. They should have faith that the government would eventually cover their losses if that becomes necessary for the nation’s overall well-being.”

In related news, Logan Clements, producer of the film “Sick and Sicker: ObamaCare Canadian Style,” has been hit with an IRS audit. IRS Commissioner John Koskinen insisted that “the selection of Clements for audit was completely random. Unfortunately, the documents verifying this were among those lost due to one of the many computer crashes that have plagued our agency.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Terry Goddard Distorts the Facts on Voting

Outgoing Arizona Secretary of State Ken Bennett issued a news release today taking Terry Goddard, the liberal Democrat running for secretary of state, to task for blatant distortions in a debate …

Candidates often make inflammatory statements as a tactic to provoke a sense of mistreatment to curry favor with voters.  However, blatant mischaracterizations about Arizona’s system of elections must be corrected.  With less than three weeks before the General Election, current Secretary of State Ken Bennett believes it’s necessary to clear up inaccurate information being presented by Terry Goddard over the past few months.

The latest examples occurred during the Clean Elections Debate, hosted by Arizona PBS.  During the broadcast, Mr. Goddard made two statements that were either terribly ignorant or deliberate misrepresentations of the truth for political gain.

“I’m confused where Mr. Goddard came up with amount of $2 million to implement the so-called Dual Track, or bifurcated system of voting in the primary,” said Secretary Bennett.  Truth is, our counties will spend about $500,000 for both the primary and general elections.  This system—one that I’ve repeatedly said is not ideal for election officials—was developed in response to two conflicting directives.  One from Arizona’s voters, (Prop. 200) and the U.S. Supreme Court (Arizona v. Inter Tribal Council of Ariz., Inc.)  As I’ve publically said before, and I’ll ask Mr. Goddard, which directive should we ignore; Arizona’s voters or the Supreme Court?

“In addition, I’m troubled by Mr. Goddard’s characterization that students, ‘who have to vote a federal ballot, are treated as second class citizens,’ which is patently false and simply absurd.  College students do not have to vote a federal form.  Those voting a federal ballot are simply doing so because they haven’t provided proof-of-citizenship to our County Recorders, a requirement approved by voters in 2004.  Election officials around the state are committed to treating each voter equally and for Mr. Goddard to assume otherwise is offensive to elections officials statewide.

“Combined with his conspiratorial accusation of voter suppression when he declared ‘independent voters get only one chance to cast a ballot,’ I question Mr. Goddard’s fundamental understanding of how elections work in Arizona. While I certainly appreciate Mr. Goddard’s compliment about my singing voice during the debate, I would ask he either learn the songs or stop making up the lyrics.”

 

Obama Nixes Ebola Travel Restrictions

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Folder2 104Despite numerous urgings, President Obama remains determined not to block entry into the United States by persons who may have been exposed to the deadly Ebola virus.

White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest explained that “the President emphatically believes that we are all citizens of the world. This ideal cannot flourish if we bar our doors to fellow citizens. We would do more damage to our image as leaders of a global community if out of fear of contagion we sealed our borders to those wishing to enter.”

Earnest also cited “humanitarian reasons” for not blocking travel to the US from regions known to be infested with the virus. “Suppose it is some afflicted person’s dying wish to visit America before he succumbs, should the President cruelly deny that wish?” Earnest queried. “Besides, it is entirely possible that innovations made by the Affordable Care Act will prove a crucial weapon in the battle against this disease. Is it not part of our obligation to share this benefit with those who are less fortunate?”

David Quammen, author of Ebola and Spillover—books on infectious diseases—argued in support of the Administration’s policy saying that “America’s legacy of slavery demands that it bear the burden of succor to ailing Africans. Many of those suffering from Ebola are ancestors of former slaves sent to Liberia by the American government. If this endangers Americans, well, just consider that part of the reparations they owe for that ancient crime.”

GOP Refusal to Extend Unemployment Benefits Leads to Job Growth

A study published by the New York Federal Reserve found that the number of job openings rose by an estimated 20% in the six months following the lapse of the federal government’s extended unemployment benefits. The lapse occurred because the Republican controlled House refused to vote to extend the benefits.

Fatih Karahan, one of the authors of the study, cited the “mutually reinforcing effects of decreasing the burden on businesses to fund the benefits and decreasing the incentives of recipients to shun employment. If your tax burden of supporting benefits declines you can afford to hire more workers. Similarly, if the reward for idleness is taken away your need to seek and accept employment rises.”

Jason Furman, Chairman of the President’s Council of Economic Advisers didn’t dispute the economic logic of the study’s findings, but suggested that “certain intangible factors may have escaped the authors’ attention. The lapse of the extended benefits may have sent more people back to work, but the study failed to calculate the loss in leisure time experienced by those compelled to take jobs in order to feed themselves and their families.”

A person receiving unemployment benefits is relieved of some of the stress of making a living,” Furman pointed out. “Being forced into the work-a-day rat race will have long term negative health consequences. So too will the loss of extra time to spend with one’s family—both for the employed individual and his children.”

The fact that four out of five new jobs added this past month were in the low wage sector bolstered Furman’s concern that “more may have been lost than gained. When all factors are considered is a low wage job really better than unemployment payments from an individual’s perspective?”

Obama Calls November Elections “Referendum on My Policies”

Miffed that so many Democrats running for reelection have shunned his endorsement and declined to appear in public with him, President Obama sought to take control of the narrative by insisting that “though I’m not on the ballot this November my policies certainly are.” Mortified Democrats raced to microphones across the nation to dispute the President’s assertion.

Senator Kay Hagan (D-NC) called the President’s words “very discouraging and a ‘stab in the back.’ We supported his programs. He needs us in the Senate if he hopes to push ahead with his transformation. We’re on-board with that, but we can’t get there if voters know where we stand. It’s discouraging that his need to be the center of attention has caused him to forget his obligation to his fellow Democrats.”

Senator Mary Landrieu (D-Louisiana) expressed her own frustration, saying “doesn’t he realize how unpopular he and his ideas are with the voters? Obamacare irritates more people each day as they see their insurance premiums rise and find the roster of doctors willing to treat them shrink. The open borders have let in illegal immigrants by the hundreds of thousands. It was bad enough when the biggest risk was exploding costs for welfare to feed, clothe, and house these indigents, but now they appear to be vectors for diseases that may kill untold numbers of Americans.”

Kentucky Democratic Senate candidate Alison Grimes was especially aggrieved. “I wasn’t in Congress,” Grimes fretted. “I didn’t vote for any of the President’s programs. Now, with his latest statements I may never have the chance to help him transform America. It’s just stupid. I thought he’d be a lot smarter than it appears he is.”

A possible rationale for the President’s pitch of a “referendum” theme may be his disappointment that “the gains for the economy have not been broadly shared. People who make investments or who have jobs are reaping a disproportionate share of the nation’s collective wealth. Voters dependent on government for their sustenance need to realize that their votes are needed to ensure the continuation of federal benefits. It is crucial that this key constituency understand that this election is a referendum on my policies.”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) sort of backed the President’s view. “Republicans might win this year, but when voters start seeing their benefits cutback and are herded into jobs they’d rather not have by Republican policies they’ll be champing at the bit to restore Democrats to control both Houses and the Presidency in the 2016 elections,” she predicted.

GOP Criticism over Obama Missing Intel Briefings Panned

Revelations that the ISIS grew while President Obama skipped nearly 60% of his scheduled intelligence briefings has sparked harsh criticism from mostly GOP sources. Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY) characterized the missed briefings as “disturbing and possibly irresponsible. Is ignorance of what’s going on in the world behind what appears to be this Administration’s feckless foreign policy?”

Former Vermont Governor and Democratic presidential aspirant Howard Dean dismissed the criticisms as “baseless. The erroneous premise is that any information that the President might have gleaned from any briefings would have altered his policy decisions. People who know the President are confident that no quantity of intel would have changed his policies in any significant way.”

President Obama is a once-in-a-life-time transformational figure in world history,” Dean said. “He has insights and inspirations that go beyond what more ordinary men can conceive. The chattering of supposed intelligence experts are just distractions that could only deflect him from his destined course of action. Should such a giant fritter away his time listening to the ill-conceived notions of others? I believe ‘no’ is the obvious answer.”

UK Bans Bomb-Sniffing Dogs

Protests from Muslims that dogs are “unclean” has prompted United Kingdom Transport officials to ban the use of dogs to sniff out explosives that terrorists might attempt to smuggle onto transportation vehicles.

Secretary of State for Transport Patrick McLoughlin explained that “for Muslims contact with a dog or even being in the presence of a dog is a certain and serious defilement. Since this is a religious belief rather than just a personal quirk it ought to merit the full protection of the law. I mean, we can’t trample this right merely on the theoretical possibility that without these dogs explosives might make their way onto a plane or train.”

Muslim spokesman Ayatollya Ibombu praised the decision as “a true victory for Allah. Protecting the faithful from being tainted is vital for their ultimate salvation. Even if they are blown to bits their clean status assures that they will enter paradise. This same assurance is available to unbelievers who convert to Islam.”

Reporter “Creeped Out” by Michelle Obama Campaign Rally

Meg Kissinger, a long-time reporter for the politically liberal Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, attempted to cover a Milwaukee campaign speech by First Lady Michelle Obama. She was stunned to discover that she was prohibited from talking to members of the audience.

Michelle’s aide Mary Burke explained that “it is important that the message the First Lady is trying to communicate not be confounded by inappropriate crowd comments to any reporters. This is, after all, her event. She has a right to control how it is perceived and reported.”

To say that I was creeped out is an understatement,” Kissinger said. “We members of the press have been very friendly toward the Obamas. By now I would think we could be trusted not to portray their message in any negative way despite whatever feedback the audience might have given us. For me to get the ‘Potemkin Village’ treatment was a disheartening insult.”

In related news, conservative commentator Dinesh D’Souza was sentenced to reeducation camp in order to undergo therapeutic counseling by Judge Richard Berman of the Federal District Court in Manhattan. “Mr. D’Souza’s contention that others, including President Obama, who have committed a similar offense were not subject to a similar punishment is irrelevant,” Berman ruled. “He holds no government office or related position that would entitle him to the exemption he requests. The very fact that he would ask demonstrates a serious lack of understanding of how the campaign finance laws work.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

School Board to Add Masturbation to Kindergarten Curriculum

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Folder2 104The Las Vegas School Board has drafted a new sex education curriculum that has some parents alarmed. Part of the new curriculum includes teaching kindergartners and pre-schoolers how to masturbate.

Clark County School Superintendent Pat Skorkowsky called the plan “common sense. Rather than have these students learn about this in back alleys and lavatories we’re bringing it out into the open.”

Skokowsky tried to reassure parents, telling them that “trained professionals from places like the Mustang Ranch will be brought in to conduct the demonstrations. Only the most tried and effective techniques will be displayed. Enabling our students to efficiently achieve sexual self satisfaction will better prepare them for life.”

A side benefit, according to the Superintendent “is a projected decline in unwanted pregnancies when these kids are teenagers. If they learn that they can attain orgasm without needing a partner they’re less likely to engage in dangerous liaisons with members of the opposite sex.”

Liberal Blogger Says Obamacare a “Hidden Success Story”

Ezra Klein, editor of the on-line blog Vox, maintains that “continuing reports of Obamacare failures and deficiencies are being exaggerated by the media. The reality is that the program is a roaring success.”

People who have been forced to obtain a new plan at a higher cost are overlooking the broader social gains the Affordable Care Act has brought to America,” Klein argued. “Those who focus on only their own experiences are myopically selfish in their outlook. The truth is that a vast number of people who previously lacked health insurance are now qualified for government-subsidized health care.”

Klein characterized the complaints as “mostly from individuals who are disgruntled over having to bear a fairer share of the medical costs of those less well off than themselves. If we are to secure the blessings of social justice for ourselves and posterity those who can must help those who can’t help themselves. Labeling those who can’t as lazy isn’t a valid rationale for not helping them. Some people are genetically predisposed to be energetic. Others are not. Winning the DNA lottery cannot be used as an argument for denying the losers an equitable piece of the human pie.”

We need a sort of Miranda-type policy for health care,” Klein asserted. “If the minority who find themselves in need of an attorney they can’t afford have one provided to them at government expense, then surely the much larger contingent of persons in need of medical care they can’t afford ought to have similar rights to have doctors and hospitals provided for them at government expense. In an ideal world, the government would ensure that everyone’s needs were met and that all who are able work to their utmost to fulfill these needs.”

Clinton Forecasts New Corporate Ethic

Former President Bill Clinton told a gathering of Democrats that “the phenomenon of businesses grubbing for profit will wane in the coming years. Corporate leaders with the appropriate guidance from government will turn away from the selfish pursuit of gains for stockholders and toward a role that advances social justice.”

Clinton denied that there was any hypocrisy in his stance seeing that his own estimated net worth exceeds $100 million and his fees for giving speeches are in the six to seven figure range. “It is important that those of us with a clear vision of where society needs to go are not hampered by lack of resources to get the message out,” he said. “People who truly understand our agenda wouldn’t begrudge us the means to make it happen.”

The ex-prez expressed confidence that “the American voters appreciate what we’re trying to do. I think they’ll help grant Hillary the power she needs by electing her the next president in 2016.”

Holder Resigns as AG

Eric Holder announced that he is stepping down as the nation’s Attorney General. The ingratitude of the American people and the constant criticisms of Republicans were cited as compelling reasons for quitting.

Though I’ve done more than any previous Attorney General to reshape the way our laws are enforced I am badgered by contentions that I have veered too far outside the legitimate bounds of my authority,” Holder groused. “History will show that these bounds were too narrow if true justice is to be obtained. Nevertheless, as important as this crusade for people’s justice remains, I am exhausted.”

Representative Darrel Issa (R-Calif) dismissed Holder’s complaints as “a diversion. Holder has clearly been the worst AG this nation has ever had. There is no doubt in my mind that he has been intimately involved in a variety of DOJ misdeeds and cover-ups. Had he stayed on it was just a matter of time before he’d have been compelled to testify or, like so many of his co-conspirators, take the 5th to avoid doing so.”

Racial justice expert Al Sharpton says that “while I regret that this great civil servant has been forced from office for trying to do the right thing, I will work with President Obama to select the best replacement possible.”

One potential person Sharpton said he is considering recommending is actor Jamie Foxx. “Those who saw him in Django Unchained know that he will be an uncompromising enforcer of both the written and unwritten laws the President is trying to give to America,” Sharpton declared. “He would strike fear into racists everywhere. They would know that he wouldn’t hesitate to take direct action to bring them down, that the days of white officers gunning down black men are over. We’ll see how they like it when the tables are turned.”

People Shouldn’t Want to Live Past Age 75

Dr. Ezekiel Emanuel, one of the chief architects of the Affordable Care Act, says people should want to die at age 75.

Let’s face it, the vast majority of those over age 75 have nothing positive to contribute to society,” Emanuel wrote in an essay for Atlantic. “In both physical and mental terms they’re pretty accurately described as ‘decepit.’ Their bodies and minds are just rotting in their shells.”

It would be best if they could be persuaded to exit peacefully at their own hand—perhaps with the aid of a physician-prescribed suicide drug,” Emanuel suggested. “Heaven knows this would be more humane and cost-effective than stringing out their years with expensive medical treatments that exact a heavy toll on society’s scarce resources.”

The lingering presence of humanity’s dead weight threatens to bankrupt our health care system,” the essay added. “It may be necessary to limit these oldsters’ claims on that system. Fortunately, the mechanisms in place under the Affordable Care Act already authorize the Secretary of the Department of Health and Human Services to carry out a triage process that will allocate access to medical treatments. No longer will we remain helpless slaves to an ideology that permits individual selfishness to trump the collective good of society.”

US Forrest Service to Charge for Taking Pictures of Trees

Hungry for a means to supplement is budget, the US Forrest Service is proposing new regulations that would allow it to charge visitors $1500 if they want to take pictures in wilderness areas.

Liz Close, the Forest Service’s acting wilderness director, called the new fees “essential to our mission. These wilderness areas belong to the government. Why shouldn’t we get revenue from what is our property?”

Close warned against thinking that “these areas are too vast for us to enforce collection. We are watching from both the ground and the air. Rangers randomly patrol with orders to seize any cameras used by persons who cannot show that they have paid the fee. Airborne drones can cover extensive acreage and help guide ground forces to intercept illicit photographers throughout our territory.”

For now, drone launched missiles are not part of the plan, but could be deployed in the future if needed. “It has already been established that the President has the authority to order the use of deadly force against American citizens without having to go through cumbersome judicial channels,” Close pointed out. “So, if more restrained methods prove inadequate we can always up the ante.”

President Downplays Traffic Woes Caused by His Motorcades

As usual, President Obama’s recent trip to the United Nations to give a speech sparked tremendous traffic jams in New York City. Not to worry, though, it’s not so bad.

I hear a lot of hype about New York traffic, but it didn’t look too bad to me,” the President said. “All the stories of bumper-to-bumper, stop-and-go traffic that I’ve heard showed no signs on my trip to the UN.”

While Obama did concede that his experience may have been abnormal compared to what ordinary drivers have to deal with, he insisted that “putting up with a little extra congestion when I’m in town is a price that loyal Americans should willingly pay. They recognize that my time is more valuable than their time. A million trips each taking an additional 10 minutes of a common person’s time are easily outweighed by 10 minutes of my time that is saved by barricading all the streets along my route from the airport to my destination.”

As proof of his assertion, the President reminded everyone that “New York City went heavily for me in both presidential elections. I think this shows the people of this city understand the sacrifices required of them.”

ISIS Urges Muslims to “Rise up and Kill Disbelievers”

Enraged that President Obama Secretary of State John Kerry continue to maintain that the Islamic State is not Islamic, ISIS spokesman Abu Muhammad al-Adnani called upon Muslims around the world to randomly select and slay disbelievers.

These ignorant men know nothing about Islam if they persist in uttering these slanders,” al-Adnani fumed. “They may hide behind bodyguards, bullet-proof glass, or the entire armed forces of their country, but the people who elected them cannot escape the fury of the faithful. They walk around oblivious to the knives, guns, and bombs that righteous Muslims will kill them with.”

Al-Adnani had high praise for “the heroic action of Alton Nolen who has heeded our call and attacked two unbelievers in Oklahoma. The American police can insist all they want that these are not religiously inspired executions, but everyone knows better.”

There is only one way for people to save their lives,” al-Adnani said. “There is only one path to peace. All must come over to the Islamic faith. They must cease their resistance to Allah’s will. They must lay down their arms and submit. Only then will they be safe from destruction.”

Cities Step Up Efforts to Crush Deviant Behavior

The Seattle City Council passed a new ordinance that will fine people for throwing away too much food. The concern is that this discarded food should be composted rather than just trashed.

Our growth rate for recycling has stalled,” complained Council member Sally Bagshaw. “The notion of some city residents that they need not participate in this effort is erroneous. A successful program requires the full compliance of every citizen.”

To enforce the stricter rules the City will empower trash collectors to examine a family’s discards to determine whether any items found could have been recycled. “We’ve taken voluntary obedience about as far as it can go,” Bagshaw said. “We must not shy away from using the ‘stick’ if that is what it takes to keep people in line.”

Meanwhile, in Montville, New Jersey, the town council is mulling over an ordinance that would authorize police to conduct warrant-less searches of private dwellings in a bid to curb underage drinking.

The theory that this might be an unconstitutional invasion of privacy is invalidated by the fact that cities in this state have enacted 300 similar ordinances,” Montville attorney Fred Semrau contended. “The four walls of a home should not serve to conceal illegal consumption of alcohol.”

As for any damage that might occur when police break into private teenage drinking parties, Semrau laid the responsibility on the parents. “If parents would exert proper control over their children external interventions like this wouldn’t be necessary.”

RFK Jr. Demands Censorship of Climate Skeptics

Environmental activist Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. opined that those skeptical of the dangers of climate change ought to be silenced.

I’m really tired of arguing with these people,” Kennedy complained. “It’s a drain on my energy. It takes time away from restructuring society along more socially beneficial lines.”

Kennedy suggested that “climate skeptics should be put on trial at the Hague as ‘war criminals.’ Whether people realize it or not, we are at war for the planet’s future. On one side are those who want to save the planet. On the other are people who want to stop us from saving the planet.”

If we don’t save the planet everyone will die,” Kennedy continued. “The actions that would lead to such a catastrophe are a worse crime than any committed by Hitler. So why should these climate change deniers be treated any more leniently than we would’ve treated Hitler had he not committed suicide?”

Veep Says Tea Party “Worse than Republicans”

Vice-President Joe Biden castigated the Tea Party as “worse than Republicans. Democrats have their differences with the GOP, but we all agree on the need for the strong hand of government to control things. The Tea Party, though, is just anti-government. They don’t just want to take turns in the driver’s seat. They want to dismantle the machine and turn individuals loose to fend for themselves.”

To help illustrate his point, Biden pointed out that “House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) was recently quoted saying that he is Obama’s best friend. You’ll never hear something like that from a Tea Party guy. In my book, anyone who can’t be friends with the President is a danger to this country.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Tea Party Takes Aim at Conservatives’ Nemesis — Sen. McCain

Since losing the presidential election in 2008, Senator John McCain has labored long and hard to undermine conservatives. Now the tables are turning, and the Tea Party is after McCain’s Senate seat. McCain is all for amnesty, the radical homosexual centerpiece ENDA, destructive embryonic stem cell research, and his bad temper indicates he needs to be fired by the voters. We have previously stated that Congressman David Schweikert is well suited to take McCain’s seat, and now a Washington Times story suggests the same:

– The Washington Times – Thursday, September 25, 2014

Sen. John McCain, 78, is starting to make moves that he’s interested in a sixth term — but tea party types are saying not so fast, that if he runs he can expect some stiff competition from the limited government crowd.

“I’m leaning toward it,” Mr. McCain said, when asked about his thoughts for a re-election, The Hill reported. That’s a notable switch from a month ago when he told The Wrap that he wasn’t sure about another Senate term — that he didn’t “want to be one of these old guys that should’ve shoved off.”

Nowadays, the Arizona senator says he’s “doing all the things necessary” for another political campaign, including raising money, attending meetings and “talking to a lot of people in the state,” The Hill reported.

But the tea party is mobilizing.

Rep. David Schweikert, backed by the tea party crowd, said he’s mulling a run against Mr. McCain. And a couple of different polls — one from the Citizens United Political Victory Fund and another from Public Policy Polling — taken in recent months show a less-than-satisfactory rating for Mr. McCain among Republican voters.

“Speaking for myself and every other Republican I know and every other tea party person I know, we’re sick to death of him and we will move,” Wes Harris, founder of the Original North Phoenix Tea Party, said in The Hill.

Tucson Schools Deny Religious Freedom, Fire Coach

From Mad World News:

Gary Weiss, formerly a volunteer coach at Catalina Foothills High School in Tucson, said he was cut from his position after school officials gave him an ultimatum: tell players to stop praying or lose his position. Choosing prayer, Weiss lost his job, according to local NBC news affiliate KVOA-TV.

“My concern is the rights of the kids to do what is their right to do,” Weiss told the outlet.

Although voluntary invocation is permitted at the school, staff members are prohibited from promoting or facilitating student’s prayer, a district administrator told the affiliate.

Weiss denies administrator’s allegations that he organized and supported prayer among the team members with his claim that no adults led the student’s invocations. Weiss added to his claim that prayers were inclusive, KVOA reported.

“The prayers of the freshmen team have been recited by Muslim kids, Jewish kids, and Christian kids,” Weiss said in an interview with the affiliate.

This is a disgusting attack on the First Amendment… remember that amendment? Freedom of speech and freedom of religion? It is unlawful for a person to be fired protecting individuals Bill of Rights. Here are some of the students tweets below.

Twitter Christian coach fired

Twitter Christian coach fired school shamed

Dem Operative Says Obama Planning ‘October Surprise’

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Folder2 104Long-time Democratic Party operative Bob Beckel says GOP hopes of taking control of both Houses of Congress will be thwarted by an “October surprise.”

Republicans who are counting on the President’s unpopularity to spark a vote against Congressional Democrats are in for a rude awakening,” Beckel predicted. “On Sunday, November 2nd President Obama will go on national TV and announce his resignation. Relieved of this albatross, embattled Democrats should be able to cruise to the finish line on top on November 4th.”

Then on the third day, November 5th, President Obama will rise like Jesus did, and resume his role as the country’s leader,” Beckel bragged. “The genius of the plan is that just saying you resign on TV is not an official act under our laws. It is analogous to a political promise—it has no weight and can be broken at the discretion of the promise-maker. Meanwhile, the objective of the phony resignation will have been accomplished: the Democrats retain control of the Senate and take back the majority in the House.”

Beckel conceded that a November announcement wasn’t strictly an October surprise, but argued that “it fits the spirit of the concept while employing Obama’s uniquely persuasive political talents. Remember, he got into office in 2008 by promising hope and change. Even though the changes he’s introduced have not brought hope to the majority of Americans, voters still reelected him in 2012. This ploy will enable him to turn the tables on the GOP and add dozens of Republican Congressional scalps to his belt.”

A different take on the Democrats’ election chances was offered by First Lady Michelle Obama who ventured that “once voters reflect on the real achievements Barack has made and yet may make they’ll give him the Democratic Congressional majorities he needs to finish the job.”

Among the achievements listed by Michelle were “allowing millions to permanently leave the work-a-day rat race of full time employment and enjoy more leisure time without having to worry where their next meal is coming from. More Americans than ever before are getting free food, free housing, free cell phones…you name it. And plans are underway to ensure that those who need it will get free cars. Voters can punch their tickets to this paradise by filling Congress with as many Democrats as they can.”

Student Punished for Sharing His Lunch

Weaverville Elementary School eighth grader Kyle Bradford was sent to detention for sharing his burrito with another student.

Tom Barnett, the Superintendent of the Trinity Alps Unified School District explained that “there is a district wide policy that prohibits students from exchanging the meals that the school provides. In this particular instance Mr. Bradford’s apparent act of kindness was undermining the school’s food allocation decisions.”

The student Bradford gave half of his burrito to had been “allocated” a cheese sandwich that was not to his liking. Bradford was unimpressed by the school’s rationale and undeterred regarding potential future food sharing. “If a friend wants a portion of my meal I would definitely share with him,” he said.

Barnett characterized Bradford’s stance as “an invitation to anarchy. A 13 year old is not qualified to decide who should eat what. That decision is reserved to school nutrition experts. We will not hesitate to use progressively severe sanctions if that is what it takes to attain the compliance we require. If detentions don’t get the message across there is always suspension or expulsion. Students must learn that obedience is not optional.”

In related news, Ramay Junior High School in Fayetteville, Arkansas ordered 13-year-old Chloe Rubiano to remove her “virginity rocks” t-shirt. Principal Matt Saferite, winner of Arkansas’ Principal of the Year for Secondary Schools last year, explained that “the message on the shirt is an implied criticism of students who were unable to attain that goal. It’s a sort of reverse scarlet letter that can harm some students’ self esteem.”

Female Democrat Heavyweights Assert “Congress Is out of Touch on Women’s Issues”

A roundtable discussion at the Center for American Progress agreed that “Congress is out of touch on women’s issues.” Contributors to this conclusion included former Secretary of State and aspiring Democratic presidential contender Hillary Clinton, Democratic Sens. Kirsten Gillibrand (NY) and Patty Murray (Wash), House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (Calif), and Rep. Rosa DeLauro (Conn).

Women bear nearly 100% of the physical burden of procreation, yet do not exercise 100% of the power to determine how these children shall be raised and cared for,” Clinton observed. “Women who are married have to share authority with their children’s fathers. This cultivates feelings of dependency that eat away at women’s self esteem.”

Sen. Murray pointed out that “while all children have equal needs, not all have access to equal resources. The children of fathers with good jobs can enjoy a more enriched life experience. Children whose fathers are absent, unemployed, or in jail are deprived of their rightful share of life’s bounties.”

Rep. Pelosi suggested that “a just society would even out the discrepancies. Ideally, all earnings from all fathers would be put into a common pool and be doled out based on children’s needs. Children wouldn’t be penalized because their fathers were inadequate providers. The more productive fathers’ outputs would be shared more broadly rather than be used to spoil their own offspring.”

Sen. Gillibrand warned that “we mustn’t get hung up on the idea that every woman wants to be a mother. If Congress really respected women it would fully guarantee that every one of them can obtain an abortion at her own discretion. Our only hope of bringing this fundamental principle of justice to America is to support Democrats at every level of government. We must end the obstructionism and patriarchy embodied in the Republican Party.”

Attorney General Calls for More Racial Balance in People Police Shoot

Referencing the events in Ferguson, Missouri, US Attorney General Eric Holder called for more racial balance in the people police shoot.

What we had in Ferguson was a white officer shooting a Black teenager,” Holder recounted. “When we look at over all statistics, white officers shooting African-Americans is disproportional to their representation in the population. This establishes a prima facie case that racism is playing a role in the use of deadly force.”

We need to ask some hard questions,” Holder contended. “Why isn’t there a more proportionately balanced representation of America’s population when it comes to police shootings? Why are African-Americans so frequently victimized by law enforcement? What can we do to restore a more equitable distribution of the carnage?”

The Attorney General asserted that “clearly, white officers need to undergo some form of attitude adjustment. Sensitivity training may be part of that. But I doubt that will be enough. It may be time for an affirmative action program aimed at achieving a balance that has thus far eluded us. Every police department needs to keep detailed records of the racial composition of those their officers shoot. When these records show a racial imbalance steps must be taken to rectify that.”

Not everyone was pleased with Holder’s approach. Racial justice expert Al Sharpton blamed “unduly restrictive laws. There are too many things that are illegal in this country. Take the case of Michael Brown in Ferguson. This young man’s personal efforts to collect reparations for 400 years of repression shouldn’t have resulted in him getting shot. Taking a few cigars and resisting Officer Wilson—the armed enforcer of racial subjugation for the benefit of white America—were righteous acts of rebellion. The law needs to be modified to recognize this.”

In related news, Holder issued a decree prohibiting states from adopting zoning laws that might have the effect of blocking the establishment of Mosques or Islamic culture centers in areas where they are needed. “Islam commands its adherents to spread the religion in any way that they can,” Holder said. “They need to be able to set up shop near the populations they are targeting for their proselytizing mission.”

IRS Commissioner Taunts Congress

Internal Revenue Service (IRS) commissioner John Koskinen made light of Congressional efforts to probe his agency for evidence of wrongdoing.

At a House Oversight and Government Reform subcommittee hearing Koskinen mocked committee members, saying that “hard drive crashes continue as we speak. We can erase files and destroy incriminating evidence faster than you can imagine where to look.”

Charges that IRS employees broke the law and broke file retention protocols elicited only a chuckle from the Commissioner. “Congress is not my boss,” Koskinen pointed out. “I answer to the President. Last I heard, he thinks we’re doing fine.”

Koskinen belittled any actions that might be taken against him or his agency as “the impotent frothing of an irrelevant artifact of a form of government that no longer exists in this country. If Congress censures me, so what? Should a court find me guilty the President will pardon me. Why should I worry?”

In related news, CIA Director John Brennan refused to tell lawmakers who authorized the illegal surveillance of Senate Intelligence Committee computers. “Members of Congress do not have the appropriate security clearance to be privy to that information,” Brennan claimed. “I have spent my career protecting secrets. I’m not about to turn them over to the kind of blathering loudmouths who run Congress.”

Americans Fighting for ISIS Shouldn’t Lose Passports, Congressional Candidate Says

The suggestion that Americans leaving the country to join ISIS ought to forfeit their passports was rejected by Iowa Democratic Congressional candidate Staci Appel during her televised debate with her GOP opponent David Young.

The right to travel is fundamental to what it means to be an American,” Appel maintained. “A person shouldn’t have to worry that someone else will judge the reasons for his travel as illegitimate. What if the American tries to join ISIS but is rejected for some reason? Shouldn’t he still have a home country to return to? What if he fights for ISIS for a while and needs to come back for some R&R or to visit with family? What if he tires of slaying unbelievers and wants to leave ISIS? Do we really want to bar the door to his return?”

Young added his own questions to Appel’s litany. “What if ISIS sends this American back to the United States on a mission of mayhem? Might not guarding against this possibility be a good reason to throw up a roadblock against it by revoking the passports of those known to have left the US in order to join ISIS?”

Candidate Says Illegal Immigrants Have Earned Right to Receive Welfare

Democratic gubernatorial candidate Rep. Mike Michaud (Maine) says he is opposed to the idea of curtailing the eligibility for welfare payments to illegal immigrants.

These people have undertaken a long, arduous, and often dangerous journey to get here,” Michaud said. “That took courage and determination. Welfare payments are a meager reward for enduring these treks. It would be niggardly of us to deny them after they’ve crossed the finish line.”

Under Maine law, illegal immigrants are not eligible for state funded welfare payments. Nonetheless, several cities have defied the law and paid out public funds to them. Portland disburses over $200,000 per month to ineligible illegal immigrants—a practice that Michaud promises will become legal once he is elected governor.

State Senator Eloise Vitelli (D-Augusta) said she supports Michaud’s position on the issue. “If we cut them off from benefits it’s like we’re telling them they wasted their time coming here,” Vitelli contended. “That seems a cold and unwelcoming attitude to me.”

Retiring Senator Endorses Hillary for President

Retiring Sen. Tom Harkin (D-Iowa) gave a ringing endorsement to former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s presidential ambitions.

Most people think that she is a moderate, kind of middle-of-the-road type of politician,” Harkin said. “This is way off the mark. She is much farther to the left and a lot more progressive in her thoughts and her inclination than most people may think. That’s why she has my unconditional support should she choose to run for president in 2016.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

General Election 2014: Vote No on These Judges

All four of the following judges were appointed by former Governor Janet Napolitano, a hard-Left ideologue. Anyone appointed by a radical leftist is much more apt to consider Constitutions as “living documents” and far less likely to rule from a point of originalism. Therefore, we recommend NO votes against the following judges and justices in the November election.

Scott Bales, Justice of the Arizona Supreme Court

Diane Johnsen, Judge Of The Court Of Appeals, Division I (Maricopa County)

Patricia Orozco, Judge Of The Court Of Appeals, Division I (Apache, Coconino, La Paz, Mohave, Navajo, Yavapai, Yuma counties)

Garye Vasquez, Judge Of The Court Of Appeals, Division II (Cochise, Gila, Graham, Greenlee, Pinal, Santa Cruz counties)

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