Supreme Court Rewrites Obamacare

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnAcknowledging that the original Affordable Care Act “was so poorly written as to be utterly infeasible in its implementation,” Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts took “the liberty of rewriting it to correct its deficiencies.”

If we were to confine ourselves to the plain language of the statute, subsidies would be available to only those states that established their own health care exchanges,” Roberts wrote. “In hindsight, relying upon the statutory text would doom the plan because only a minority of states established the required exchanges. Rather than allow Congress’ inability to accurately forecast state behavior to undermine this signature accomplishment of President Obama’s transformative agenda for America I am, herewith, reinterpreting the statutory language.”

Roberts brushed aside substantial evidence that the language restricting subsidies to states setting up their own exchanges was intentional, saying that “obviously, this traditional reliance on the ‘carrot’ of federal money failed to elicit the expected response. Since ‘plan A’ didn’t work we need to institute a ‘plan B.’ This Court’s reinterpretation takes its place along side of the dozens of reinterpretations that the Obama Administration has previously made to correct flaws in the original law.”

Neither did the apparent discrepancy between his majority opinion in favor of upholding Obamacare and his dissent against the Court’s decision declaring a nationwide right to same-sex marriage cause the Justice any difficulty. “There was no federal statute needing repair in the same-sex marriage case,” Roberts pointed out. “There are 50 different state laws. The Court has no Constitutional authority to rewrite 50 state laws. Its powers are limited to rewriting the laws crafted by Congress at the national level.”

President Obama praised the Court’s decision “for putting the good of the people ahead of a rigid reliance upon the so-called ‘separation of powers’ that right-wing enemies of social justice would use to hamstring progress. So Congress made a few mistakes in how it wrote the law. Why should we let that prevent us from making improvements? Isn’t everyone working together for the common good better than each branch of government jealously guarding the ‘turf’ laid out for it in the Constitution?”

Following the announcement of the decision, stock prices for the nation’s largest health insurance corporations saw a $3 billion boost in a single day. “This decision ensures that the flow of federal subsidies to these firms will be uninterrupted,” Press Secretary Josh Earnest boasted. “Republicans masquerade as the Party of big business, but it is Democrat-backed legislation that delivers the cash that feeds their bottom line.”

In related health news, the Obama Administration is pressuring doctors to discuss global warming with their patients. U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy reminded that “President Obama has declared global warming to be the greatest danger to health that humanity faces. Doctors are not merely private citizens. They are licensed by government. They have an obligation to convey the government’s views to their patients. Failure to do so should have consequences.”

Crazed Gunman Sparks Anti-Confederate Groundswell

While Dylan Roof may have wanted to see his murder of nine members of a South Carolina church Bible studies session inspire a race war, the aftermath has taken a different turn. Photos of Roof holding a Confederate flag have led to calls for the removal of this “odious symbol of oppression” from American life.

All over the South, Confederate flags are being taken down from state houses, public parks, and memorials. At the Gettysburg National Historic Park all Confederate symbols have been taken down. Park Director Thomas Jackson asserted that “for too long we’ve accorded the treasonous rabble that opposed our government too much credit. They may have worn uniforms and carried flags, but they were outlaws. It’s about time we treated them as such.”

Jackson, who assured members of the media that he is “no relation to Civil War General Stonewall Jackson, explained that “henceforth, the opposing sides of the Battle of Gettysburg will be described as the ‘US Army’ vs. the ‘rebels.’” The director attributed a lot of the blame for the elevated status of these rebels to “the unwarranted magnanimity of President Lincoln. His ‘malice toward none,’ was, in my opinion, a mistake.”

Meanwhile, in Baltimore, Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake is pushing to rename a park honoring Confederate General Robert E. Lee. “We should not be honoring the memory of a slave-owning traitor,” she argued. “Instead, we should be creating a memorial to Freddy Gray—a modern day victim of the same racism that moved Mr. Lee and his henchmen to take up arms against the government.”

IRS Destroys More Evidence

In what IRS officials are calling a one-in-a-million fluke, the precise emails subpoenaed by Congress in its investigation of IRS discrimination against the President’s political opponents were exactly the ones inadvertently erased by IRS employees. Lost are over 400 back-up tapes containing 24,000 emails to and from Lois Lerner—the IRS employee believed to have orchestrated the discriminatory treatment.

Commissioner John Koskinen speculated that “our rather lengthy chain-of-command provided multiple opportunities for miscommunication somewhere along the line. It is not inconceivable that an instruction to ‘not erase’ may have been forwarded as ‘erase.’ The rest is, as we say, history. Nothing can be done about it now.”

Not everyone is persuaded that nothing can be done, though. Rep. Mark Meadows (R-NC) observed that “Any civil officer is liable to be impeached. If the Inspector General reports that evidence has been destroyed deliberately, that would be clearly a misdemeanor.”

In testimony before a Congressional committee, Inspector General J. Russell George told committee members that IRS officials literally put Lerner’s computer hard drive through a shredder after determining that efforts to recover the content “wouldn’t be worth the expense.”

Meadows said that “while I’m personally convinced that the IRS is obstructing justice I have been unable to make much headway with the House leadership on how we go forward from here. All the Speaker will tell me is ‘you don’t want to tangle with the IRS, they’ll make our lives miserable if we go after them.’”

In related news, EPA Administrator Gina McCarthy told an audience at a White House meeting that “climate deniers are not normal people. They remind me of the kooks pushing shopping carts full of trash and ranting about who knows what. They ought to be medicated or institutionalized, not given access to the media.”

Court Rules that Disparate Outcomes Equal Discrimination

In a 5-4 decision, the US Supreme Court ruled that “victims of discrimination need not prove intent, disparate outcomes alone are evidence of illegal discrimination.”

In a case where lending practices of banks were being contested, Justice Anthony Kennedy swept aside any need to show conscious intent to discriminate. “A bank may assert that ability to repay a loan is an objective criterion for making a loan, and so it would seem on the surface. But what if the ability to repay is unequally distributed along racial lines? That would mean that more whites than Blacks would receive loans. That’s discrimination.”

Kennedy acknowledged that “forcing banks to make loans that are unlikely to be repaid means that other customers will need to be charged more to cover the losses,” but concluded that this would be acceptable “because the beneficiaries of ‘white privilege’ must bear the burden of carrying along those less privileged.”

The Justice invited further litigation against “the entire market system whose emphasis on merit and effort unfairly discriminates against persons with less energy and ambition. The principle that initiative, hard work and good luck ought to determine one’s rewards in life is out-of-step with social justice. Government must not stand aside when by the mere act of redistributing the surplus of output generated by society’s more productive elements a greater overall equality could be achieved.”

Judge Blocks Ban on Dismemberment Abortions

In Kansas, Shawnee County District Court Judge Larry Hendricks issued an order blocking that state’s ban on abortions carried out by tearing the baby limb-from-limb while still in the womb. The Judge’s order came in response to a lawsuit filed by the New York-based Center for Reproductive Rights on behalf of Dr. Herbert Hodes and Dr. Traci Nauser—a father-daughter team of abortionists.

To allow this law to go into effect while the matter is being litigated would deprive the plaintiffs of their livelihood,” Hendricks said. “It would inflict irreparable harm and injury to their recognized right to ply their trade.” Hendricks contrasted this “recognized right” with “the speculative contention that the fetuses subjected to this procedure might endure excruciating pain or other significant losses.”

In 1973, the highest authority in the land decreed that women have a right to obtain an abortion,” Hendricks observed. “It is bad enough that subordinate jurisdictions have repeatedly tried to legislate restrictions to this right, but to permit any limits during litigation would elevate the lesser authority over the supreme authority.”

Hendricks dismissed arguments that women in dire need of this procedure could, in the interim, travel to less restrictive states as “cruel and unduly burdensome on the patients and economically devastating to the plaintiffs. Why should a woman be inconvenienced in any way in the exercise of this fundamental right? Why should two doctors have to lose a single dollar of income while awaiting a court’s decision to void this law?”

Dr. Hodes called Hendricks’ ruling “a victory for women against the insidious invasion of their bodies by unwanted tissue.”

In related news, a group of Satan worshipers are suing the State of Missouri over its abortion restrictions. Specifically, they are contesting the state requirement that women be informed of the fetus’ ability to feel pain at 22 weeks. “We do not recognize the fetus as a separate living entity,” declared Sybil Hagman, attorney for the “Jane Doe” plaintiff. “A state law asserting that the fetus might suffer pain directly contradicts our plaintiff’s religious beliefs. It violates her freedom of religion.” Hagman offered to drop the lawsuit if Satan worshipers were exempted from this provision of the law.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

Supreme Court’s Outrageous Over-reach Not in Best Interests of America or Homosexuals

Today’s U.S. Supreme Court ruling legalizing same-sex “marriage” — at odds with Supreme Court precedent — will not help people with same-sex attraction. It will not empower them; it will not enhance their lives.

It will expose their most pressing need: to overcome same-sex attraction.

This decision, imposed by judicial fiat and not by the people through their elected representatives, will demonstrate the many problems fraught by same-sex dynamics – namely short-lasting, unstable, and risky relationships, high rates of domestic violence, higher rates of drug and alcohol abuse.

And most sadly, the children trapped in homes without their father or their mother will become a living testimony to developmental deficits forced upon them by adults.

Furthermore, only small percentages of same-sex attracted people are even interested in getting married. The institution of marriage is at odds with their libertine view of relationships and sexual activity.

Same-sex marriage is now to be on full display, and it cannot match the timeless union of one man and one woman as the gold standard for men, women, children, communities and society.

This decision does not move America forward. It is a societal setback rubberstamped by over-reaching judicial activists.

This is not progress. It is a digression which will have serious, negative long-term consequences.

Militant homosexuals need to heed this call: do not persecute, do not punish those who disagree with you. You will only prove the threats we raised against same-sex marriage are on full display and are ringing true. No matter how much you deny it.

Stop the vandalism. Stop the harassment. Stop the fascism. And stop the hate.

Respect the consciences of those who don’t agree with you. Don’t force anyone to participate in something they consider immoral. You can find others who do agree with you and who will participate in your ceremonies.

Be as respectful to others as you wish them to be to you. Those of you considered leaders of homosexual pressure groups must call for civility and restraint from those among you who are now emboldened to lash out against us.

America is watching you now. You are getting what you wanted, but not what you need.

You are selling yourselves short of something that is so much better for you, so much more fulfilling and wholesome. You can overcome same-sex attraction with counseling. And with prayer and the support of your family and friends. It is available to you today. Here in Arizona and elsewhere. Accept it. Embrace it. Seek what is best for you, not what others, not what homosexual pressure groups guided by a profit motive tell you that you need.

Arizona Republican Assembly Scores Arizona Lawmakers

The Arizona Republican Assembly has posted its ratings of all the Republicans in the state legislature. The criteria is based on whether or not office holders …

1) Support the U.S. Constitution; 2) Support Republican Party Platform; 3) Support individual / private sector empowerment over government empowerment; 4) Support national security (including illegal alien issues); 5) Their actions reduce government spending; 6) Their actions reduce tax rates in general; 7) and will have a significant impact.

Here’s a list of ratings of Republican members of the Arizona House of Representatives, as calculated by the Arizona Republican Assembly:

2015 Final Scorecard

passing grades

NAME                          Dist.              Score

Kelly Townsend          16               87.89

Bob Thorpe                    6              86.21

Anthony Kern              20               85.85

Vince Leach                 11              85.83

Mark Finchem              11              85.78

Justin Olson                 25              85.43

Steve Montenegro       13              85.35

Jeff Weninger              17               85.21

“Rusty” Bowers              25              84.90

Darin Mitchell                13               84.43

Brenda Barton                6               84.32

Warren H. Petersen      12               84.30

David W. Stevens         14               84.30

Phil Lovas                     22               84.24

Edwin Farnsworth         12               83.50

Sonny Borrelli                 5               83.26

David Livingston           22               83.21

Rick Gray                      21               83.01

David M. Gowan Sr.     14               82.99

“J.D.” Mesnard             17               82.78

Karen Fann                    1               82.56

Noel W. Campbell          1               82.33

Jay Lawrence               23               82.05

Jill Norgaard                 18               81.89

Tony Rivero                  21               80.57

Thomas Shope               8               80.12

FAILING GRADES

John M. Allen               15               78.78

Doug Coleman             16               78.39

Paul Boyer                   20               76.82

Regina Cobb                  5               76.44

John Ackerley                 2               75.63

Michelle R. Ugenti        23               74.73

Franklin M. Pratt             8               71.56

Bob Robson                  18               71.18

Kate Brophy McGee      28               69.58

Heather Carter              15               64.85

SENATE

PASSING GRADES

NAME                          Dist.              Score

David Farnsworth       16               86.01

Gail Griffin                   14               85.77

Judy Burges               22               85.33

Andy Biggs                 12               85.14

Steve Smith                  11               84.85

Steve Yarbrough          17               83.64

Kimberly Yee                20               83.43

Kelli Ward                       5               81.97

Sylvia Allen                    6                80.94

John Kavanagh            23               80.16

Debbie Lesko               21               80.10

FAILING GRADES

Bob Worsley                25               78.66

Adam Driggs                28               78.23

Nancy Barto                 15               78.22

Don Shooter                 13               77.80

Jeff Dial                        18               72.15

Steve Pierce                  1               53.54

Release of Illegal Alien Criminals Called ‘Humanitarian’

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent NewsJohn

The Obama Administration’s release of illegal immigrants who went on to commit more than 100 murders was defended on “humanitarian” grounds by ICE Director Sarah Saldana.

These individuals all faced prison in their home countries,” Saldana said. “These foreign prisons are not like our prisons. There’s no exercise equipment and no satellite TV. Sanitation and hygiene are of the lowest sort imaginable. Sending these people to those Hellholes would have been inhumane.”

The inhumanity of the murders subsequently committed against Americans by the release of these foreign criminals was labeled “a tolerable risk” by the ICE Director. “Compared to the countries they came from, the United States has a lower crime rate,” she pointed out. “On top of that, police in the US have a better chance of apprehending suspects. The very fact that we know of the 120 murders they’ve perpetrated since their release proves that. So, from a global perspective, the burden of criminal predation has been more equitably distributed than it otherwise would’ve been if we had simply bused these foreign felons across the border.”

Saldana rejected criticisms that she characterized as “selfish and parochial. The contention that our first duty is to protect Americans is mistaken. As President Obama has made clear, we are citizens of the world first. We cannot shrug off our obligation to promote the greater good of the whole. The damage these miscreants would have done in their Third World home countries would have been far greater.”

In related news, Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton blamed Dylann Roof’s massacre of nine unarmed members of a Charleston, South Carolina church on Republican presidential aspirant Donald Trump’s anti-immigration rhetoric. “Opposition to the free flow of migrants across borders stirs up the sort of racist violence we saw in South Carolina this week,” she alleged. “Such talk shouldn’t be allowed in a free country.”

Study Shows Belgian Patients Euthanized without their Consent

Belgium passed its Euthanasia Act in 2002. A study published in this month’s Journal of Medical Ethics by Raphael Cohen-Almagor revealed that despite the law’s requirement that patients voluntarily give their consent to the procedure, many are euthanized without giving consent. The decision to euthanize was not discussed with the patient in nearly 80% of the cases of patients over 80 years old.

Dr. Pierre Tueur estimated that “I have probably performed more than 300 of these procedures on patients incapable of giving informed consent. In cases where the patient is unconscious, demented, or unreasonably frightened of death, I feel it would be against the patient’s best interest for him to be burdened by such a decision.”

Tueur maintained that the “voluntary” requirement of the law was met “when the person checks himself into the hospital. He comes to us seeking our professional expertise. When it becomes clear to us that further life would be too painful or unworthy it is our professional obligation to mercifully end it.”

Individuals who have become more of a burden than a benefit to the collective well-being of society have a moral duty to exit,” Tueur argued. “Moral obtuseness of the individual does not negate this duty. Those of us who have been trained in the science of medicine must step forward to ensure this duty is fulfilled.”

Disgraced NBC Anchorman Moves to MSNBC

Dismissed from his post at NBC’s Nightly News for making up stories, Brian Williams has been reassigned to the company’s floundering cable channel where he has vowed “to reclaim my reputation, one viewer at a time.” Whether Williams will be able to accomplish was thrown into doubt by his stubborn insistence that his on-the-air fabrications “weren’t intended to mislead people.”

Fiction isn’t inherently untrue,” Williams observed. “Many novels and movies portray deeper truths via fictional characters and events. We don’t deride Mark Twain or Steven Spielberg for making up stuff. While I don’t claim to be as good at it as them, I don’t think I’ve deserved all the negative vibes I’ve gotten.”

As an example of a “deeper truth” that his fiction helped elicit, Williams pointed to his reporting on Hurricane Katrina’s effects on New Orleans in 2005. “Admittedly, I didn’t see any bodies floating in the streets,” he acknowledged. “But it was a big flood and there could have been bodies that I didn’t see. The important point I was trying to make was that President Bush should be held accountable for the disaster.”

While Bush’s culpability might have been clear to Williams’ addled way of thinking, the reality was more complex. Yes, Bush was president when the hurricane hit the city, but Bush had no control over the path of the storm. The City’s vulnerability to flooding was decades in the making as state and local politicians squandered multiple opportunities to shore up levees.

For his part, former President Bush wished Williams “luck with his quest to restore his reputation” and allowed that “his estimate that he’ll do it one viewer at a time seems to be an accurate assessment based on the size of MSNBC’s audience.”

Rise in Sexual Harassment Cases at State Department

In 2014, under the leadership of John Kerry, 248 sexual harassment cases were filed at the US Department of State. This is considerably higher than the 88 cases filed in 2011 under the leadership of Hillary Clinton.

Kerry attributed the bulge in complaints to “employees’ misunderstanding of new training protocols I’ve introduced. It is not a scandal.”

According to the Secretary, the new protocols “involve intentionally stressful interactions carried out under my orders. If you’re going to work for the Department you must learn skills of diplomacy. Being diplomatic in circumstances where everyone behaves politely and appropriately is no challenge. It’s when someone crosses the line that the utmost test of these skills comes into play.”

In many of the countries we have to deal with women are regarded as subservient vessels for the pleasure and amusement of men,” Kerry observed. “Our female employees’ first experience with such denigration shouldn’t be after they’ve gone into the field. Likewise, in many other countries homosexuals are put to death. Homosexuals working in the State Department must be trained to conceal their sexual identities before we send them into the field to negotiate with these countries.”

Instead of complaining about the training, employees should be thankful I’m making the effort,” the Secretary asserted. “Let’s not forget that our gay Ambassador Christopher Stevens didn’t have the benefit of this training and ultimately was killed by Islamic homophobes under my predecessor’s watch.”

Leading Dems OK with Clinton Foundation Influence Peddling

Despite former Clinton administration official Robert Reich’s reservations about “the apparent impropriety of a husband of a potential future president accepting money from foreign governments and big corporations for ‘speeches’ that hardly seem worth listening to, much less paying for,” key Democrats think its okay.

Bringing money into America from a foreign government boosts our economy,” said Rep. Stephen Lynch (D-Mass). “If it’s trying to buy a policy that Hillary was going to follow anyway, well, that’s just ‘found money.’ And if it’s for a policy that Hillary doesn’t like, well, she can always welsh on the deal.”

People have a right to earn a living,” said Rep. Keith Ellison (D-Minn). “If someone is willing to pay a quarter of a million dollars to listen to a one-hour speech, well, it’s their money. They may think they’re gaining access to favors, but based on the Clintons’ track record, I think relying on such a quid-pro-quo is a long shot.”

Rep. Gene Green (D-Texas) said he is “confident that any money ending up in the hands of the Clintons will be put to good use. Even if only a tiny fraction is used for charity that’s still more than these charities might have gotten anyway. And keeping the Clintons relevant is an investment in America’s future. There may come a day when the nation sorely needs the skills that Chelsea can bring to the table.”

Rep. Dutch Ruppersberger (D-Md) blamed the public’s low trust in Hillary (57% of poll respondents don’t think she’s honest) on “the media’s right-wing bias. The vast right wing conspiracy that tried to hound Bill out of office for consensual sex with Monica are trying to block Hillary’s path to the White House now. That’s the real scandal here.”

Trump Enters Presidential Race

Real estate baron and reality TV star Donald Trump threw his hat into the ring in the race for the 2016 GOP presidential nomination this week. In his announcement in front of a crowd—many of whom were paid $50 apiece to cheer him on—Trump pledged to secure government entitlements.

With the other Republicans in the race, you never know whether they might end up cutting or privatizing Social Security, Medicare, or Medicaid,” Trump alleged. “Right here and right now I’m promising that these programs will be fully funded for as long as there is money to pay for them.”

Trump attempted to bolster the credibility of this promise by asking Oprah Winfrey to be his vice-presidential running mate. “Oprah gives away a lot of stuff to her TV audience,” Trump reminded. “It’s time we broaden the base to include every American as a recipient of her generosity.”

Trump further contrasted his “take no prisoners management style with that of President Obama’s ‘limp wristed’ inability to get Congress to bend to his will. If Congress can’t carry their weight I won’t be afraid to fire them. Everyone in America has seen me fire poor performers on The Apprentice. There should be no doubt that I’ve got what it takes to get results.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Tiny Gilbert Church Wins Supreme Court Victory in Battle of David vs. Goliath

Ending a 10-year legal battle with the Town of Gilbert, Good News Community Church today won a 9-0 victory at the U.S. Supreme Court for free speech.

The U.S. Supreme Court gave churches everywhere a free speech victory today when it ruled that religious signs must be given the same treatment as other messages posted on street corners.

The court unanimously ruled the town of Gilbert, Arizona had discriminated against churches by passing an ordinance barring corner signs advertising services, but allowing other types of signs to be displayed.

The decision overturns a previous ruling by the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals — the most overturned court in America.

“In today’s secular climate, government increasingly views the free speech rights of churches as less valuable than other types of speech,” said Bruce Hausknecht with Focus on the Family. “That attitude – whether intentional or not – carries over into unconstitutional restrictions on speech such as the Town of Gilbert’s sign code in this case. It is gratifying to see the Supreme Court issue a unanimous decision in favor of the church, especially when two lower federal courts got it horribly wrong.”

Gilbert’s lawyer made that very point in oral arguments at the Supreme Court. In a shocking disregard for the First Amendment, he said church speech isn’t as important as the speech of others. The Town of Gilbert got smacked down for that callous disregard of free speech.

The Alliance Defending Freedom (headquartered in Scottsdale) represented Good News Community Church and its 82-year-old pastor, Clyde Reed, in the lawsuit.

“The Supreme Court’s unanimous ruling is a victory for everyone’s freedom of speech,” said ADF attorney David Cortman, who argued the case for the Supreme Court earlier this year. “Speech discrimination is wrong regardless of whether the government intended to violate the First Amendment or not, and it doesn’t matter if the government thinks its discrimination was well-intended. It’s still government playing favorites, and that’s unconstitutional.

“The Supreme Court’s unanimous ruling is a victory for everyone’s freedom of speech,” Cortman said. “Speech discrimination is wrong regardless of whether the government intended to violate the First Amendment or not, and it doesn’t matter if the government thinks its discrimination was well-intended.

Justice Clarence Thomas, writing for the court, said that was an impermissible content-based regulation.

“The First Amendment … prohibits enactment of laws ‘abridging the freedom of speech,’’’ Thomas wrote. “Under that clause, a government, including a municipal government vested with state authority has no power to restrict expression because of its message, its ideas, its subject matter, or its content.”

In a rare display for fairness, the left-stream media outlet Arizona Central/Arizona Republic turned in the best line of the day on the victory for free speech:

The U.S. Supreme Court preached a bit of gospel — from the Greek word meaning “good news” — for a small Gilbert Presbyterian church on Thursday.

The Blaze reported …

The U.S. Supreme Court handed down a major victory to a small Arizona church on Thursday, ruling that local officials cannot restrict messages on signage based on “how worthy the government thinks [they are],” according to the conservative legal firm that represented the house of worship.

CitizenLink contributed to the report

Angry Obama Vows Vengeance against Trade Bill Opponents

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnAlternating between tears and venom, a stunned President Obama ranted against members of his own Party, calling them “faithless turncoats” and alleging that “they are destroying my credibility with foreign nations,” after the House of Representatives voted 302 to 126 against the Trade Adjustment Assistance Act–a provision deemed crucial to the fate of his “fast track” trade legislation.

The vote came after a rare personal appearance of President Obama to lobby for the legislation. Erstwhile political ally, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif), led Democratic opposition to the President’s wishes. She remained unfazed by the President’s threat “to make life really hard for those who defy me.” “Even under a ‘worst case’ scenario, the President will only be in office for another 19 months,” Pelosi pointed out. “How much damage could he do?”

Press Secretary Josh Earnest advised the President’s political enemies “to not underestimate his disappointment or his determination to get his way, one way or the other. Don’t forget that he still has his pen and phone. He could bypass Congress and enact the trade legislation via executive action. He could use his phone to call on the FBI and NSA to release information that could prove embarrassing to Ms. Pelosi and others.”

Pelosi, however, wasn’t about to back down. “It’s not as if we don’t have our own sources of information that might prove embarrassing to the President,” she warned. “And if push comes to shove, there is always the option to impeach him. The prospect of elevating Joe Biden to the White House so the Party can run an incumbent for President in 2016 is looking better every day.”

In other news, Earnest brushed off revelations that the Chinese government has been hacking into secret federal databases for more than a year, saying that “this is just more proof that this Administration is the most transparent administration that this country has ever had, bone none.”

HUD Eager to Put More Public Housing into Suburban Neighborhoods

The Obama Administration’s Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) is working on new regulations that would tie federal aid to the placement of low-income public housing within white suburbs.

HUD Secretary Julian Castro explained that “ensuring diversity in every community is a key goal of this Administration. People on welfare shouldn’t be denied the right to live in nice communities just because there is no affordable housing available. Likewise, racists shouldn’t be allowed to insulate themselves from having neighbors of color merely by moving into areas with expensive housing.”

A possible fringe benefit for whites under this initiative, according to Castro is that “they wouldn’t have to go into the urban ghetto to buy recreational drugs. Public housing will bring drug vendors to their neighborhoods. This will save them the time and trouble of venturing into undesirable areas in order to purchase crack or weed.”

Castro acknowledged that “having drug dealers nearby also has its down side. There could be turf wars as gang members shoot it out to determine who will own the territory. And there may be a bump up in burglaries or robberies as addicts living in nearby public housing scrounge to obtain the funds needed to support their habits. But the Administration feels that this redistribution of crime will be more equitable in the long run.”

Boeing Innovation Increases Fliers’ Toilet Access

Concerned that the space allotted for on-board toilet facilities reduces the number of seats for passengers, the Boeing Corporation is converting all passenger seats on its 777-300ER into “potty chairs.”

Every additional passenger a plane can carry adds badly needed revenue to the airline’s bottom line,” said Boeing’s public relations specialist Anita Crapper. “We thought, if there were a way to convert the space set aside for restrooms into passenger seating it would permit airlines to earn thousands more per flight. By making every seat a ‘potty chair’ airlines can achieve that objective.”

Ms. Crapper lauded this innovation as “far superior to asking fliers to get their ‘business’ out of the way before boarding. In the old days passengers had to just ‘hold it in’ once they entered the airplane cabin. Even after on-board toilets were added, passengers’ access is sometimes impaired. Using the toilet during take-off and landing is totally barred. Other times there may be a lengthy line. With each seat being a ‘potty chair’ every passenger can go whenever he or she wants.”

On the new 777s each seat will have a retractable lid and drop-down privacy curtains. All a passenger needs to do is press a button to activate them. Any waste deposited will fall into a mini-chemical toilet under the seat. Pressing the button when finished will raise the curtain, close the lid, and release a squirt of air freshener.

We are entering a new and exciting era of flying,” Ms. Crapper boasted. “Those suffering from incontinence or loose bowels need no longer feel that flying will be an ordeal for them.”

In other news, California Governor Jerry Brown announced that he has given up bathing and drinking water to help fight that state’s prolonged drought. “Bathing is unnatural anyway,” Brown contended. “It’s a late addition to American culture and relatively uncommon in most parts of the world, including Europe.” Instead of drinking water, Brown says he will be switching to green tea “because of its added health benefits.”

Pennsylvania Teachers Attend Mosque

About 50 teachers and administrators of the Lebanon School District in Pennsylvania got paid time off to attend Islamic religious training. Teacher Lara Book called the day “amazing. Even though the rituals are different what came through loud and clear is that all religions want the same thing.”

While the ACLU is normally “johnny-on-the-spot” to protest any show of religion in a public space, especially one where taxpayer resources may be unconstitutionally used to promulgate a faith, spokesman Betram Petty found no problem with this event.

The whole separation of church and state thing is a western way of thinking,” he said. “It would be improper to hold Islam to these standards. Muhammed used the state to spread his religion, often giving individuals the choice of converting or being put to death. Using taxpayer funds to educate teachers on the fundamentals of Islam seems a lot milder than resorting to jihad. So, opening our institutions to this milder form of proselytization seems a more peaceful way of accomplishing the same goal. Objecting on the grounds that it mixes church and state could divert Muslims toward a more violent course of action.”

In related news, the ACLU is suing Gloucester High School in Virginia for denying 16-year-old Gavin Grimm, a female, access to the boys’ locker room and restrooms. “This is hurtful and stigmatizing for Ms. Grimm,” complained Petty. “The school’s effort to palm-off ‘gender-neutral’ restrooms as their solution to the transgender phenomenon falls far short of equal treatment under the law. Ms. Grimm’s inalienable right to explore her sexual identity requires that she be enabled to disrobe and shower among boys. It is key for helping her decide whether to make the full transition to male or whether she would be more comfortable keeping her female body.”

Police Shut Down Kids’ Lemonade Stand

Police in Overton, Texas ordered two sisters, Zoey (aged 7) and Andria Green (aged 8) to “cease and desist” selling lemonade in their efforts to raise money to buy a Father’s Day gift for their dad.

Selling anything in Texas without a permit is illegal,” explained rousting officer Doug Stamper. “It doesn’t matter that neighborhood lemonade stands have been a time-honored way for kids to make a buck. Under the law, they need to buy a permit if they want to sell lemonade.”

The cost of the required permit is $150. Few kids would have the funds to afford it. Few kid-run lemonade stands could net enough to cover the cost of purchasing a permit.

Every dollar these kids make is stolen from legitimate businesses that pay for permits and collect sales taxes that they remit to the government,” Stamper added. “If the loss of this legitimate revenue weren’t substantial the businesses wouldn’t have bothered to lobby for the law we’re enforcing here today.”

Stamper went on to contrast “the fundamentally selfish motive of these two girls” with “the loftier purposes to which the local government puts the revenues garnered from permit fees and taxes. A couple of kids operating a rogue business may look cute, but it’s a ‘knife between the ribs’ of legitimate businesses and the government elected to protect their interests.”

Congressman Introduces Automatic Voter Bill

Rep. David Cicilline (D-RI) has drafted legislation that he says “will greatly simplify the whole voting process in this country. Right now we have what is basically an ‘opt-in’ system. Those who want to vote have to take the initiative to register and make a periodic effort to cast a ballot. There is no question this reduces the number of ballots cast and lessens participation in our democratic process.”

Under Cicilline’s bill, every voter would be automatically registered to vote on his or her 18th birthday. A notice would be sent supplying each newly registered voter with a postage-paid reply card where they could indicate a Party preference. Once the card were received and recorded the person’s vote would automatically be cast for the Party specified in all future elections unless the individual presented a notarized affidavit changing the Party preference for a specific election.

By making one decision at the time of registration that person’s voice will continue to be heard in all subsequent elections without requiring any additional effort on their part,” Cicilline said. “People wouldn’t needlessly be forced to endure the tedium of going to the polls time-after-time. Their preference will be pre-recorded and repeated, saving them enormous amounts of time and trouble.”

Cicilline denied that his bill would usher in “mandatory voting,” saying that “a person could return the reply card asking that his or her name be stricken from the rolls.” He insisted that a better analogy would be “like those book clubs where they automatically send you the month’s selection unless you opt out. That system sells more books. My system will result in more votes. It will strengthen our democratic process.”

The legislation has been endorsed by Democratic National Committee Chairwoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz (Fla), former Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee Chairman Steve Israel (NY), and civil rights activist Rep. John Lewis (D-Ga).

Homeland Security Searching for Leaker

Last week’s news that the TSA failed to detect 95% of the weapons smuggled onto airlines in its security test has focused the Department on ways to tighten up security. Readers will be forgiven for mistakenly assuming that the tightening efforts will be on ways to interdict more smuggled weapons. In fact, the main concern, as Secretary Jeh Johnson sees it, “is finding the person who leaked these confidential test results to the media.”

The sad truth is that there is no way we can intercept more than a tiny fraction of actions hostile toward our air transportation system,” Johnson admitted. “Making sure that this truth is kept confidential was a crucial component of our ‘big bluff’ strategy. If terrorists believe they will be caught, they won’t attempt to penetrate our security. If travelers believe security is tight, they won’t be afraid to fly. This leak undermines both of these goals. We need to find out who is responsible and make an example of him.”

The Secretary dismissed the possibility that any of the 73 TSA personnel with ties to terrorist groups could have played a role in the failure to detect smuggled weapons. “Seventy-three is just a small fraction of our TSA crew,” Johnson pointed out. “The 95% failure rate is evidence of much bigger flaws in our system. There is no cause for us to embark on a witch hunt aimed at blaming the Muslims we employ.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

State Senator Farnsworth Wins Goldwater Legislator of Year Award

By Tom Jenney, President of American For Prosperity-Arizona

Arizona State Senator David Farnsworth is the highest-scoring legislator on this year’s Americans For Prosperity-Arizona’s 2015 Legislative Scorecard, and will receive AFP-Arizona’s Barry M. Goldwater Legislator of the Year Award.

The scorecard assigns weights to over 300 bills according to their projected dollar impact to Arizona taxpayers, consumers and producers, with $1 million equaling one point on the scorecard. AFP-Arizona’s 2015 Legislative Scorecard assigns the heaviest weight to the budget bill crafted by Governor Doug Ducey and legislative leaders.

The budget passed March 7 is in many ways the most fiscally conservative state budget we’ve seen in at least two decades. By making over $300 million in spending reductions, Gov. Ducey and the legislators who voted for the budget have put the state on track to achieve a structurally balanced budget by 2017, so that government will be made to live within its means – just like our families and small businesses do.

Perhaps most importantly, the budget is designed to eliminate administrative waste in school districts and focus more money into our classrooms to help teachers and students boost academic achievement.

First-year Governor Ducey earned the designation of “Friend of the Taxpayer” on the 2015 Scorecard – the first time a governor has earned a good rating from the group since the Arizona chapter of AFP launched in 2007.

Also heavily weighted on the Scorecard are bills that will bar state agencies from using personnel or resources to enforce ObamaCare, attempt to reform abuses in the state’s Medicaid program, put roadblocks in front of the EPA’s efforts to hurt affordable energy generation in Arizona, expand school choice scholarships for children, remove burdensome regulations on ridesharing services, abolish the state’s “Inflation Tax,” and allow patients to order lab tests directly without having to have them prescribed by physicians. As it has done in past years, AFP-Arizona also grades legislators and the governor on missed opportunities: important reform bills that are prevented from reaching floor votes in the House or Senate.

Of course, many special interest groups are not happy with this year’s budget and legislative session:

  • The school district bureaucrats who steal money from the students and front-line teachers in our classrooms hate the fact that the budget reduces spending on administrative bureaucracy – even though the budget provides a net increase in K-12 classroom spending. The bureaucrats don’t want you to know that our school system in Arizona already spends over $9,400 per student each year, or that there has been a nearly 20-percent increase in general fund spending in K-12 since 2010. Your school district officials also don’t want you to know that on average they have routinely failed to put more than 53 percent of available dollars into classrooms (and even that figure is inflated).
  • The educrats who waste taxpayer money and student tuition dollars at our community colleges and universities are screaming about the $100 million in reductions to higher education budgets – even though the cuts reduce total university revenue by only two percent.
  • The corporate crony capitalists are going to miss the $75 million that has been taken away from the Arizona Commerce Authority’s corporate-welfare slush fund.

In the coming months, the big spenders will continue to wail and moan and spread false information to you and your neighbors. And some of your neighbors will complain to their elected officials. That is yet another reason why you need to thank your elected officials for supporting the responsible budget.

Hero of the Taxpayer Award Winners

Sen. David Farnsworth, Score: 93

Sen. Judy Burges, 93

Sen. Sylvia Allen, 92

Sen. Steve Smith, 91

Rep. Warren Petersen, 91

Rep. Eddie Farnsworth, 91

Rep. Steve Montenegro, 90

Rep. Anthony Kern, 90

Rep. Darin Mitchell, 90

Sen. Debbie Lesko, 90

All the top 10 lawmakers are Republicans. Not a single Democrat earned anything remotely close to a “friend of the taxpayer” honor. Virtually every Democrat in the legislature ranked as “Needs Improvement,” “Friend of Big Government,” or “Champion of Big Government.”

State Sen. Bob Worsley is one of the least friendly Republicans to taxpayers and ranks cumulatively as a “Friend of Big Government,” though he did better this year.

New Candidate for President Vows to Complete Metric Conversion

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnThis week, former Rhode Island Senator and Governor Lincoln Chafee announced he is seeking the Democratic nomination for president in the 2016 election. A key factor in his decision to enter the race is “to bring the much-needed conversion of weights and measurements in this country into line with the metric system.”

“The United States is seriously out of step with the rest of the world,” Chafee contended. “When everyone else is using meters and liters it is sheer arrogance for us to be using yards and gallons. It’s like we saying ‘we’re too good to lower ourselves to your level’ to the rest of the world. It’s a ‘stick in their eye’ that breeds hostility and feeds the fires of terrorism.”

Chafee conceded that “it will seem odd to hear announcers call football games with the coin toss at the 45.72 meter line and the kick-off from the 27.432 meter line. But wouldn’t this better than having terrorists fly airplanes into our skyscrapers?”

The candidate emphasized that “I am the only one talking about this issue. Voters who want a uniform global system of measurements will have a clear choice. Do they want to cleave to an archaic and eccentric system? Or do they want to boldly conform to what every other nation is doing? Progress or peril—that’s the choice I offer.”

President Gives TSA “Vote of Confidence”

Recent field tests indicating that the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) failed to detect smuggled weapons 96% of the time did not deter President Obama from expressing his “continued confidence in the job they are doing protecting our aviation network.”

Press Secretary Josh Earnest contrasted the dismal test results with “the absence of any recent real world attacks,” saying that “I’d put more weight on what hasn’t happened than on what might’ve happened. Some are saying that we’ve just been lucky that no terrorists have tried to hijack an airline. But as baseball great Dizzy Dean once said ‘maybe it’s better to be lucky than good.’ America is fortunate it can rely on the President’s phenomenal good luck to protect it.”

Apprised of the fact that the quote he attributed to Dean was actually said by Lefty Gomez, Earnest was unfazed. “Regardless, the point is that luck beats skill,” he asserted. “The last six years proves that.”

Carter Slams White Feelings of Superiority

Former President Jimmy Carter denounced white feelings of superiority as “racist residue” during an interview with the American Association of Retired Persons.(AARP).

“Whites who use statistics indicating that Blacks are disproportionately involved in crime or on welfare are making judgments that neglect to consider valid cultural differences,” the former President said. “The notion that earning a living is more respectable than subsisting on government benefits is pure prejudice. Logically, accepting welfare rather than submitting to wage-slavery makes perfect sense. Failure to credit Blacks who have made this logical decision reflects poorly on whites.”

“As for the higher Black participation in crime, well, what could be more entrepreneurial than leading a gang that undertakes the dangerous trade of smuggling and distributing drugs?” Carter asked. “These enterprising young Blacks must accomplish these tasks without any help from the civil authorities. To the contrary, they are harassed on a regular basis. They have no recourse to the court system to enforce contractual obligations and are left to devise their own enforcement mechanisms.”

“If it weren’t for incipient racism in this country, we’d be seeing these young men on the covers of Forbes or Time Magazine instead of on wanted posters at the Post Office,” Carter complained. “At least we can be thankful that some of our nation’s leaders like Baltimore Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake and President Obama are making an effort to turn things around.”

New AG Seeks to Federalize All Elections

Contending that “it is shameful that we allow each state to determine its own qualifications for voters,” Attorney General Loretta Lynch has proposed new rules that would concentrate all authority over elections under the jurisdiction of her US Department of Justice.

“I know that the Constitution gave states the right to run their own elections, but it also gave Congress the right to alter state regulations if it so chooses,” Lynch pointed out. Lynch said she is “especially aggrieved that states get to determine who is and isn’t mentally competent to cast a ballot. By what right does any state presume to deny the right to vote based on a contention that a person is too demented? Does a person lose his civil right to participate in selecting who will govern him just because he can’t understand the issues or his choices? This seems to be a clear violation of the American with Disabilities Act.”

Lynch asserted that “anyone who wants to vote should be allowed to vote. If that person needs help filling out a ballot, well, that’s what we pay social workers for. The legislation I am proposing would permit these trained professionals to assist and, if necessary act as a proxy for those in their care, to cast ballots in any election.”

Whether Lynch’s bill will gain much traction in the Republican-controlled Congress seems dubious. Sen. Thom Tillis (R-NC) expressed skepticism that “ensuring the mentally incompetents’ access to the ballot box would improve election outcomes. I think the idea of self-government presumes that voters can act rationally. I don’t think it means that we trust social workers to cast ballots on behalf of those unable to comprehend the process.”

The AG says she doesn’t view Congressional opposition as an insuperable obstacle. “Drafting a bill is merely a courtesy,” Lynch declared. “We’re giving them an opportunity to be part of the process. If they fail to grasp this opportunity the President is prepared to proceed on his own authority as the nation’s Commander-in-Chief.”

In related news, candidate for the 2016 Democratic presidential nomination Hillary Clinton called for “the end of all restrictions on voting. A person should be able to vote whenever and wherever they want. Rules requiring registration, or short time frames when ballots may be cast, or limited locations where ballots may be cast or accumulated lower participation rates. There ought to be a free voter ‘app’ on every cell phone the government hands out.”

Senator Wants RICO Prosecution of “Climate Change Deniers”

Arguing that “the threat of global climate change is the greatest crisis we have ever faced,” Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse (D-Conn) has called for the Department of Justice (DOJ) to employ the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations (RICO) Act against those who dispute the threat.

“Can we really afford to engage in debate when the world is literally melting right before our eyes?” Whitehouse wanted to know. “Those who try to insert feigned skepticism as a barrier to action are worse than jihadi terrorists. They are shills for the corrupt industries that profiteer off Americans’ selfish addictions to comfort and mobility. They must not be allowed to hide their evil designs behind the First Amendment.”

“Aggressive action by the DOJ to freeze and seize assets will ensure that funds that could’ve been used to finance deniers’ propaganda can be redeployed for the collective benefit of the global community,” the Senator argued. “It will also give pause to anyone contemplating opposition to the steps necessary to combat climate change. Having one’s life ruined by government agents and prosecutors is a great deterrent.”

Whitehouse brushed aside concerns that crushing political opponents was outside the original intent of the RICO statute. “Arguing ‘original intent’ is a sterile exercise,” he maintained. “Repurposing a statute to meet a new threat shows creativity in evolving new ways of ruling the country. If we want vigorous government we must be flexible in how we interpret old laws.”

Congresswoman Touts Mandatory Gun Insurance

Rep. Carolyn Maloney (D-NY) has introduced the Firearm Risk Protection Act—a bill she says will “make gun violence prohibitively expensive.” The gist of Maloney’s legislation is to require that every gun owner purchase liability insurance covering any injuries or fatalities resulting from the use of their weapons.

“My bill would boost the cost of owning a gun by thousands of dollars a year,” the Congresswoman boasted. “This should price firearms out of reach for most people. No longer would owning a gun be a one-time purchase. There’d be continuing annual fees to be paid. The number of persons owning guns should drop.”

Maloney rejected arguments that criminals who do the most damage with firearms would scarcely be deterred by the legislation. “We know that trying to fight crime by directly confronting the criminals doesn’t work,” she claimed. “The point is to deter law-abiding people from buying guns. If they buy fewer guns there’ll be fewer guns for criminals to steal. Even if the law-abiding still buy guns, holding their insurers liable for the damages done by stolen guns will incentivize these companies to add more layers of regulations on gun owners.”

“Even if we don’t deter a single murder, the lower rates of gun ownership we will achieve should reduce the frequency of accidental shootings from insecurely stored weapons in the home,” Maloney said. “Since the victims of accidental shootings are more likely to be innocent victims, I think this is a good trade-off.”

In related news, in the United Kingdom it is now illegal for a victim of a crime to use any weapon in self-defense. “It’s a question of how do you stop the chain of violence,” explained Home Secretary Mark Pigeon. “If we say its okay for a person to respond to force with counter force where does it all end? It’s better to short-circuit the escalation before we add more casualties.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

Court Strikes Down Idaho Abortion Limitation

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

JohnAn Idaho statute banning abortions after the fetus reaches 20 weeks of age was struck down by the US 9th Circuit Court of Appeals as “an undue burden on a parent’s ability to get an abortion.”

The assertion that 20 weeks is the age at which the fetus is capable of feeling pain cannot be permitted to outweigh the Supreme Court’s Roe v. Wade decision that a woman’s access to abortion is a fundamental right that cannot be abridged by state action,” wrote Judge Harry Pregerson for the three-judge panel hearing the case. “First of all, a fetus is not a person under our laws and deserves no more protection against pain than a hog sent to a slaughterhouse.”

Furthermore, the legislature of the State of Idaho is unfit to meddle in this issue,” Pregerson added. “Elected bodies are notoriously influenced by the ill-informed opinions of voters who elected them. Matters of such magnitude are better left to the greater wisdom of the judiciary branch where the wisest of our species is free to rule without the distraction and interference of having to stand for election.”

Ten states currently have a similar law banning abortions after 20 weeks and legislation establishing a federal law is working its way through Congress. Pregerson predicted that “all such laws would ultimately be struck down as unconstitutional. No mere statute, either state or federal can overturn a court ruling. It would take an amendment to the US Constitution to invalidate the rights given to women by Court in the Roe v. Wade decision.”

In related news, The 2nd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals ruled that New York’s Department of Motor Vehicles acted within its discretion to reject an option for vehicle owners to have “choose life” appear on vanity plates. DMV Commissioner Barbara Fiala explained that “it is a question of public safety. New York is a majority pro-choice state. Allowing a minority to promulgate its message on a moving vehicle is a ‘stick in the eye’ that has the potential to inflame passions and possibly provoke unsafe driving.”

IRS Defiant on Data Breach

This week’s revelation that hackers stole the identities of 100,000 taxpayers from the IRS was characterized as “small potatoes” by Commissioner John Koskinen. “There are over 120 million individuals who pay federal income taxes. The 100,000 who will be victimized by this data breach represent less than one-tenth of one-percent of the total.”

Koskinen went on to boast that “we stop nearly 50% of the breaches we know about before any individual’s information can be used to defraud the government”–an effectiveness ratio that he contended “far outshines your typical performance for any other federal agency.”

The Commissioner lamented that “while the Russian hackers responsible for this latest incursion into federal databases may be beyond our jurisdiction, the individuals who leaked word of the breach to the media will be tracked down and punished. The damage done to the people’s confidence in their government from this leak far outweighs the trivial amounts that any individuals may have lost from their refunds being stolen. The vast majority of those taxpayers eligible for refunds are low-income wage earners. Our nation can easily absorb the losses inflicted on them by Russian gangsters.”

More than 20% of Americans Receive Welfare

According to the latest Census Bureau data, 21.3% of those living in America are receiving welfare benefits. This includes more than 41% of Blacks, more than 36% of Hispanics, more than 17% of Asians and more than 13% of whites.

Health and Human Services Secretary Sylvia Burwell called it “a good start on the President’s transformative agenda. Ideally, all output would be put into a common pot and doled out to individuals and families based on need. The notion that a person should be self-supporting is archaic. In another generation it will be completely replaced by an appreciation for the collective good of the whole.”

Burwell expressed faith that “robots will eventually do all the menial work that has enslaved humankind for thousands of years. The non-menial work will be performed by a dedicated minority that has placed selfishness aside in order to work for the benefit of those less able. Need will supplant greed as the primary principle by which the Earth’s bounty is distributed among the people. All will live as one big family with the President serving as the virtual ‘parent’ to each and everyone of us—allotting each an allowance appropriate to his needs, meting out extra rewards for good behavior, and punishments for willful disobedience.”

In related news, socialist candidate for the 2016 Democratic presidential nomination Sen. Bernie Sanders called for the government “to seize the resources wasted on manufacturing 23 different kinds of deodorant and 18 brands of sneakers and divert them to the production of food for starving children. The American consumer’s addiction to free choice must not be permitted to divert us from this greater purpose.”

Sanders also came out in favor of a flat tax of 90% on all income saying that “the average person has far more than he needs. Most private spending is frittered away on non-essentials like fancy cell phones, private automobiles, and entertainment. Shifting this spending over to the government will ensure a more useful deployment of society’s resources.” As for low wage earners hit with the 90% tax, the Senator said he was “confident that a package of carefully selected social welfare benefits would offset most of the pain.”

Documents Reveal State Dept Aided Rise of ISIS

The latest batch of declassified emails from former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s private server indicate that weapons used by ISIS to conquer half of Syria and Iraq were covertly supplied by the US. It appears that Ambassador Christopher Stevens was intimately involved in smuggling armaments from captured Libyan stockpiles to anti-Assad forces in Syria.

Current Secretary of State John Kerry defended the arms transfers as “based on the best intelligence we had at the time. We knew Assad was a brutal dictator who needed to be deposed. We thought relying on anti-government elements in Syria could do the job without having to risk direct US intervention. Who could’ve known that these anti-Assad rebels would turn into ISIL and misuse the weapons we gave them?”

In support of his argument, Kerry pointed out that “Sen. McCain (R-Ariz) had met with these anti-Assad rebels and pronounced them trustworthy. McCain, like me, served in Vietnam. He was even tortured by the North Vietnamese. So, I think Secretary Clinton may have given a lot of weight to his pronouncement. It only looks stupid in hindsight.”

The Secretary said “the really baffling part of all this is why Ambassador Stevens was murdered by jihadis. He was trying to help them get weapons. Killing him made no sense. I don’t think we’ll ever figure that out.”

In related news, key Senate Democrats urged President Obama to take executive action to admit more Syrian refugees into the United States. “Since it seems that our poorly conceived attempt to arm anti-Assad forces has turned their country into a total war zone, it is morally incumbent upon us to admit 65,000 displaced Syrians into our country,” wrote Senate Whip Dick Durbin (D-Ill).

Durbin discounted the risk that terrorists might hide among the refugees saying that “it’s more logical that jihadis will want to stay in the Islamic State than come here. Even if terrorists do come here, though, the damage they might do is likely to be small. We are a big country with over 300 million inhabitants. The few that might be killed by a lone wolf bombing or shooting attack would be only a pin-prick. More Americans are apt to be victims of global climate change than jihadi terrorists.”

Ferguson Rioters Demand Backpay

Hundreds of individuals who came from across the country to participate in the riots in Ferguson, Missouri after a police officer shot cigar thief Michael Brown during a physical altercation, are complaining that they are owed backpay by Missourians Organizing for Reform and Empowerment (MORE).

We were promised $5,000 a person per month for keeping that town in the news,” complained Ward Burns, one of 500 protesters bussed in from Boston, Chicago, Columbus, Detroit, Houston, Los Angeles, Nashville, Portland, Tucson, Washington, D.C., Winston-Salem, North Carolina, and other cities. “We need to get paid.”

MORE is funded by left-wing billionaire George Soros, who reportedly spent $33 million in the last year to support groups agitating in the streets of Ferguson. “I don’t know why these people haven’t been paid,” Soros said. “I certainly provided enough cash to cover the $2.5 million monthly salaries of the protesters. Maybe the MORE bank account was inadvertently looted during the confusion.”

In related news, violence in Baltimore has soared since street riots in protest of the death of Freddie Gray while in the custody of City Police were initiated a few weeks ago. Some are blaming Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake’s order that police “give protesters space to destroy property.” Others blame police reluctance to venture onto the streets after six of their colleagues were indicted for Gray’s death. The Mayor, though, taking a cue from President Obama, is blaming slavery. “If white slave traders hadn’t brought all those Africans here more than two hundred years ago there wouldn’t be all this trouble now,” she reasoned.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect. 

Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

 

Poll: 2016 U.S. Senate Election in Arizona