By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Federal Reserve (Fed) Chairman Ben Bernanke warned that congressional enactment of Representative Ron Paul’s (R-Texas) bill mandating that the Federal Reserve be audited “could destroy our way of life.” The legislation (H.R. 1207) has been garnering significant bipartisan support that may give it a good chance of passing.

“Secrecy is essential for the Fed to operate properly,” Bernanke insisted. “The kind of disclosure that would accompany an audit would impede our ability to manage the money supply. Individuals would be armed with information enabling them to take actions that could thwart our objectives.”

As an example, the Federal Reserve Chairman cited a process known as “monetizing the debt.” “With the federal government deficit in excess of a trillion dollars it is crucial that the Fed create additional dollars to help cover this debt,” Bernanke said. “If this process were widely understood, as might happen during the course of an audit, private citizens might try to protect the value of their assets by switching out of dollar-denominated assets.”

The problem with people trying to protect their assets, according to Bernanke, is that it allows the individual to place his own interests ahead of what the Fed has determined is the collective interests of the nation. “The bankruptcy of the government would be a far greater calamity than the bankruptcy of private individuals,” he argued. “It is better that the progressive transfer of wealth from individuals to the government by the policies of the Federal Reserve not be sacrificed because of a fetish for individual liberty.”

Congressional Probe of ACORN Scuttled

House Judiciary Committee Chairman John Conyers Jr. (D-Mich.) announced that his planned investigation into allegations of vote fraud committed by the Association of Community Organization for Reform Now (ACORN) has been canceled by “the powers that be.”

“The President has advised me that it would not be in my best interest to press ahead with what he called ‘a witch hunt,’” Conyers said. “He says enemies of the Party would use evidence from my hearings to fan the flames of seditious resistance to the legitimacy of his administration.”

Conyers said he was told that “failure to nip this in the bud could ultimately lead to the kind of street unrest that is currently threatening the government of Iran. Such unrest would be far more dangerous in the United States because of the widespread ownership of firearms in this country compared to Iran. Unlike Iranians, angry Americans won’t be confined to shouting slogans, burning effigies and tossing rocks.”

“So, to be on the safe side, I decided to call off my investigation,” Conyers concluded.

A dozen lawsuits alleging voter fraud in the 2008 election have been filed against ACORN and its affiliates.

In related news, in a bid to improve its image and reduce its visibility on the web, ACORN has announced a change in the organization’s name to Community Reform Activist Movement (CRAM). “The name ACORN has become tarnished beyond repair,” said spokesman Ivy Chicane. “In many people’s minds it is synonymous with ‘corrupt.’ A new name will help us build a new image and shuck the bad vibes.”

Funding for Iranian Democracy Cut

In a move characterized as “a major step toward restoring fiscal responsibility to the federal budget, the Obama Administration has “zeroed out” funds earmarked to promote democracy in Iran. The funding began in 2004 with an appropriation of $1.5 million. More recently, around $60 million was appropriated, mostly to fund Persian language broadcasting services at Voice of America (VOA) and Radio Free Europe/Radio Liberty.

“This relic of the Bush Administration is both dangerous and unnecessary,” contended White House chief-of-staff Rahm Emanuel. “At a time of turmoil in Iran, the US Government should not be seen as taking sides. This foments instability. I mean, how would we like it if Iran were funding English language broadcasts urging Americans to join the Islamic jihad?”

Emanuel argued that such broadcasts by the VOA are no longer necessary. “The President’s speech in Cairo supplants all lesser efforts,” Emanuel boasted. “Its timeless eloquence made it a self-sustaining beacon for all mankind’s aspirations for a better world. Further statements by the Voice of America or others dilute the President’s message and waste resources that could be better used elsewhere.”

Despite the President cutting this program, Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad still called Obama a “meddler” for not discouraging questions about the Iranian election. “When Mr. Obama was elected president I sent my congratulations,” Ahmadinejad recounted. “I did not attempt to undermine his regime by harping on the widespread allegations of vote fraud leveled by his opponents. Why can he not return the favor?”

In related news, families of those slain by the Iranian government during protests related to the recent election have begun receiving invoices for the cost of the bullets used to kill their loved ones. Even though the cost of the bullets that actually killed the individuals in question is low, the invoice amount per victim is the equivalent of $3,000 in US currency. Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei explained, “it is insufficient to recover only the cost of the ‘hits.’ We must also replace the ammunition that missed the targets. Imposing these costs on the families of the troublemakers reinforces our message.”

President Won’t Confine His Family to Options Covered under His Health Care Plan

President Obama’s health care TV special turned out to be more revealing than he intended. When asked whether he would accept the limitations on care prescribed by a government run health plan like Medicare when it came to members of his own family, the President responded: “no.”

“A national health care plan is aimed at ensuring a minimum standard of care for ordinary people who don’t have the resources for better care,” the President explained. “People with missions critical to the survival and prosperity of the nation—like the president, cabinet, members of congress and the like—will, naturally, need to receive the best care possible.”

The President explained that a cost/benefit calculus will be applied in decisions made under his plan. “We can’t just throw money around,” Obama said. “Persons of higher value to the nation will qualify for more expensive efforts to preserve their lives and health. It’s like a baseball team investing more in the health of a superstar than they do in a bench-jockey or minor-leaguer.”

The President further assured Americans that “those who are willing to spend their own money—like I would if it’s my wife, if it’s my children—can pay for their own care. We won’t outlaw private purchase of services like they do in Canada’s ‘single-payer’ system.”

Cheerios to Be Available by Prescription Only

Citing the cereal’s claim that incorporating Cheerios into a daily diet could lower cholesterol by up to 4% within 6 weeks, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has announced proposed regulations that would require buyers to obtain a doctor’s prescription before they would be allowed to purchase the product.

“Lowering cholesterol is a medical outcome,” FDA spokesperson, Susan Cruzan pointed out. “As such, it comes under our jurisdiction. Other makers of cholesterol-lowering drugs must get FDA approval before marketing their products. To allow General Mills to skate on this would give them an unfair advantage.”

Cruzan contended that “requiring consumers to obtain a doctor’s prescription is a relatively lenient standard. We could have insisted that the product be taken off the market until clinical testing could verify the claimed benefits. Such testing, I might point out, normally takes several years.”

More rigorous control over health claims for foods is “just one blade of the scissors the FDA will be using to help cut out unhealthy lifestyles. The really bad foods loaded with fat or sugar will soon feel the hand of government steering their manufacturers and purveyors toward more nutritious options.”

Vote on Same-Sex “Marriage” Called Essential

Calling it the most crucial issue for this generation, Governor David Paterson (D-N.Y.) said he will not permit the legislature to adjourn for the summer recess until it votes to legalize same-sex “marriage” in the state.

“For too long we have suppressed a fundamental human right to wed the individual of our choice if that choice deviates from the heterosexual normativity that has straight-jacketed our society,” Paterson complained. “This channels homosexual love into dangerous promiscuity. Legalizing same-sex “marriage” will bring the stability of family to these relationships. It has got to be our top priority.”

Paterson brushed aside critics’ contentions that the state’s fiscal crisis ought to be the top priority—calling it “just an argument about money that could easily be handled with a tax increase.”

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By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

President Barack Obama defended his firing of Inspector General Gerald Walpin after concerns surfaced that his action violated a law he co-sponsored when he was a senator. Under that law, the President is required to give congress a 30-day advance notice and a detailed explanation of the reasons for the termination—neither of which the President did.

“First, let me point out that the law in question was aimed at reining-in a rogue Bush Administration,” Norman Eisen, the White House Special Counsel to the President for Ethics and Government Reform asserted. “It is not explicitly applicable anymore. Second, the law itself is flawed in that there is no provision for an emergency situation. Mr. Walpin’s public criticism of the brokered compromise that allowed for the New Hope Academy to repay most of the fraudulently spent money was endangering the reputation of a rising young political star of the African-American community. Averting this irreparable harm required that the President bypass the advance notice provision of the statute.”

Eisen also contended that “the President’s initial reluctance to give a detailed explanation was out of consideration for the feelings of Mr. Walpin. He didn’t think Mr. Walpin would want his dementia put on display.” Asked for evidence of Walpin’s alleged dementia, Eisen pointed out that “he rejected a confidential request that he just drop the issue. I mean, when the President of the United States, the most powerful man in the world, asks you to do something, only someone of diminished mental capacity would refuse.”

“The bottom line is that all appointees serve at the pleasure of the President,” Eisen said. “Quite frankly, Mr. Walpin failed to pleasure the President. It’s that simple. No further questions need be asked or answered. Case closed.”

New Financial Consumer Agency to Prevent Unwise Spending

The cascade of foreclosures, bankruptcies and bad debt that has rocked the market and sent the economy into a downward spiral has inspired the Obama Administration to propose a radical remedy: government oversight of consumer credit.

“Too many households are spending money they don’t have and incurring debt they can’t repay,” said US Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner. “This is a formula for fiscal disaster. It has to stop.”

Under the President’s plan, a new Financial Consumer Agency (FCA) would be created within the US Treasury Department. The FCA would be empowered to scrutinize all forms of consumer credit. If it were determined that an individual wasn’t using credit wisely, the government would put a “freeze” on all his or her accounts.

“We’re not saying that persons who come under the FCA’s authority would necessarily be totally cutoff,” Geithner explained. “If we are persuaded that a consumer’s need is genuine, the government will stand in as a sort of ‘cosigner’ for the loan.”

Geithner downplayed fears that the federal government itself might be in too precarious fiscal condition to absorb another open-ended burden of “cosigning” for consumer loans. “We will be using the same rigorous evaluation of the proposed spending as we do with the federal budget to ensure against wasteful outlays,” he promised. “But even if we err, the Federal Reserve can create any additional money that may be necessary.”

“No War Crimes” Opinion Sparks Outrage

Former chief international war crimes prosecutor and international law expert Richard Goldstone’s statement that “nothing the US did in Iraq could ever constitute a war crime that could be prosecuted by the International Criminal Court,” sparked expressions of outrage from several sources.

Representative John Murtha (D-Penn) was most vociferous in denouncing Goldstone. “This attempt to whitewash the crimes committed by US troops is unconscionable,” Murtha exclaimed. “I have already declared our troops to be cold-blooded killers.” Murtha called Goldstone “a publicity seeker willing to smear my reputation in order to gain personal notoriety for himself.”

“I’ve dedicated my career to exposing the atrocities committed by the US military,” Senator John Kerry (D-Mass) boasted. “We already know that the Bush Administration waged a campaign to terrorize women and children in Iraq. Goldstone’s belated attempt to exonerate a criminal regime casts aspersions on my life’s work. It is unwelcome, untimely and unseemly.”

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) warned “if the right wing thinks they can use this to excuse the actions of the Bush Administration, they’d better think twice. We were prepared to be magnanimous and forgiving, but if Bush or Chenney believe these kinds of statements absolve them of guilt, the gloves are coming off.” Reid hinted that war crimes hearings could be convened once congress has finished dealing with the economic crisis and advised the former president that “a simple admission of guilt would be the least painful way for him to avoid a more lurid public exposure of his crimes.”

White House Explains Need to Insure Illegal Aliens

Inasmuch as the “46 million uninsured” figure cited by President Obama’s Council of Economic Advisers (CEA) includes an estimated 10 million persons in this country illegally, the White House hastened to explain why American taxpayers must insure even those here illegally.

“It’s a simple question of personal responsibility,” said CEA chairperson Christina Romer. “Under our current laws, if a burglar breaks into your home and is injured on the premises, you are liable for his injuries. The same basic principle applies to those who have ‘broken into the United States,’ so to speak.”

The President’s position received support from the New York Times’ editors who wrote “the desperate plight of these strangers in a strange land is a moral obligation that we must not shun due to xenophobia or racism.”

Senator Objects to Being Addressed as “Ma’am”

Senator Barbara Boxer (D-Calif) took offense when Brigadier General Michael Walsh used the phrase “yes, ma’am” in response to one of her questions during a Senate Foreign Relations Committee hearing, calling it a “typical demonstration of the military’s inherent disrespect for women.”

“They want us to accept it as a term of respect,” Boxer said. “Bit it’s a code word for what they’re really thinking—‘broad,’ ‘bitch,’ or something even more derogatory. After all, ‘ma’am’ is a contraction for ‘madam’—a term used to describe the head prostitute in a whorehouse.”

Boxer said that “the proper way for a so-called officer and gentleman, which these men claim to be, to address someone like myself would be ‘Senator Boxer,’ ‘the Honorable Barbara Boxer,’ or ‘sir’—terms that wouldn’t demean me by calling attention to my provocative breasts or moist and inviting genitalia.”

The Senator was further offended when the senate refused to pass a “motion of censure” chastising General Walsh. “I’m not surprised,” exclaimed an exasperated Boxer. “A majority of senators, like most men, are pigs.”

President Kills Fly

Demonstrating what the media is calling “skills beyond those of any previous American president,” President Barack Obama swatted a fly during a recent press conference. Lest anyone present miss the significance of the deed, Obama himself pronounced it “impressive.”

On the Today Show (NBC), substitute-host David Gregory praised the President’s “super-human concentration and precision,” and added, “there’s no way that a President McCain could’ve done this. America’s voters obviously chose wisely last November.”

On The Early Show (CBS), Chris Wragge mused that Obama “must have had some ninja training.” Wragge speculated that the President’s reluctance to reveal this background to America’s enemies “is the logical explanation for why his educational records are kept confidential.”

On Good Morning America (ABC), Chris Cuomo provided a frame-by-frame analysis of the video that captured the President’s “rare talent” and decreed that “the President’s words at the moment of his triumph are beyond eloquent. Future school children will be asked to memorize them for their inspirational meaning.”

Obama’s words as he accomplished this wondrous feat were: “Hey! Get out of here,” which Cuomo called a gallant and chivalrous warning comparable to “engarde.” And after killing the fly, “I got the sucker,” which Cuomo insisted “ranks right up there with the final lines of Shakespeare’s Hamlet.”

Not everyone was so pleased by the President’s skill. PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) decried the “unnecessary bloodshed.” “He should have given consideration to a peaceful resolution of differences, instead of turning to violence as a first resort,” argued PETA President Ingrid E. Newkirk. Newkirk said the President aggravated his “offense against nature” by “gloating over the death of an innocent creature.”

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By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Many cities in the US’s so-called “rust belt” have been in decline for years—losing both jobs and population. Dan Kildee, treasurer of Genesee County, Michigan has proposed leveling portions of these cities in order to reach a more optimal balance between living accommodations and needs.

“The idea is that rather than continuing to waste society’s resources maintaining unnecessary housing, we demolish the surplus units and move people closer together to gain economies of scale,” Kildee said.

While Kildee’s focus is on cities already in a decaying state, the Obama Administration’s Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, Shaun Donovan, sees a much wider potential application for the idea. “Americans’ consumption of housing far exceeds that of other countries,” Donovan pointed out. “On top of this there are redundancies in the way we configure living space. Too much of the space is only used on a part time basis.”

The Secretary suggested that “a college dormitory style configuration would be the most efficient housing arrangement. Sleeping quarters could certainly be individualized. But dining, bathroom, and recreation facilities could be shared.”

“A side benefit of these more efficient living arrangements would be the boost in community solidarity and camaraderie,” Donovan added. “Instead of the lonely, isolated existences promoted by our current dispersed and atomized lifestyles, we’d have more togetherness.”

Donovan hastened to clarify that individualized accommodations would not be outlawed. Private dwellings would still be available, but at a “premium price.”

The demolition activities are expected to provide employment that will stimulate the economy. The demolished areas will provide much prized “open space” for our urban regions.

Chavez Threatens to Silence Critics

Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez says he is just “inches away from pulling the plug on Globovision.” Globovision is a TV network that has aired programming that the Chavez regime has determined to be excessively critical of the government.

“I am trying to build socialism in my country,” Chavez complained. “It is hard enough without the constant second-guessing spewing forth from an intransigent right wing. Unless they reform their opinions, they won’t be on the air much longer.”

The move was assessed as “understandable under the circumstances” by MSNBC’s Chris Matthews. “Things go more smoothly for a country when everyone is on the same page,” he said. “Constant criticism like that exhibited by Fox News in this country runs the risk of undermining the people’s faith in their government. So, yes, sometimes people should just shut up and let the government govern. If they can’t or won’t do this on their own, I don’t think it is unreasonable for the government to take steps to encourage more cooperation.”

In related news, Chavez’s decision to ban “Coke Zero” from being imported into Venezuela was praised as “courageous” by U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius. “This product has no nutritional value,” Sebelius asserted. “No one needs to consume it. It’s good to see that someone in a leadership position has taken action. I hope we can be as bold in the not too distant future.”

Polls Show Voters Want Tax and Spending Cuts

New Polls showing that a majority of voters favor cuts in both government spending and taxes are on a collision course with Obama Administration policy, where massive increases in spending are purportedly needed to “stimulate” the economy, while a huge tax increase styled as a “cap-and-trade” environmental measure is projected to add thousands of dollars of costs to every household’s annual budget.

Presidential Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs attempted to minimize the poll results. “This Administration has a sound plan for change and will not be driven off track by poll responses,” Gibbs said. “Every dollar the government spends becomes someone’s income. So, the more we spend, the more we are boosting people’s incomes. And I am pleased to remind you that the ‘stimulus’ package is just a down payment on what we intend to spend to get the economy moving.”

Gibbs also rejected the contention that the “cap-and-trade” measure is, in fact, a tax increase. “As the owner of all the air in the United States, the government has every right to charge people for its use,” Gibbs argued. “You can minimize the amount you pay by minimizing the amount of air you use and by patronizing businesses that use the least amount of it.”

“I could also point out that simply following what the majority says they want ignores minority rights,” Gibbs interjected. “The less than 50% that say they want higher taxes and spending have a right to have their views heard and implemented if the government deems it would be best.”

General Services Administration Explains Auto Purchases

One might think that with the federal government being the major shareholder in General Motors (GM) that it would buy most of its vehicles from this company. However, figures recently released by the General Services Administration (GSA) show that more were purchased from the Ford Motor Company.

Spokesperson for the GSA, Anne Biguosz, explained that “the agency has a lower level of confidence in GM products under the new management.” “When you get right down to it, government isn’t exactly known for quality workmanship,” Biguosz said. “I mean, government-owned automobile factories in other countries turn out some pretty marginal products. So, it’s only prudent for us to shift more of our buying to the sole American manufacturer not on the federal payroll.”

U.S. Treasury Bond Sales Not Going Well

Fears of insolvency, inflation, or both have scared investors away from U.S. Treasury securities. This has pushed the interest rate that the government must pay to bond buyers higher—adding more to the deficit and threatening the government’s economic “stimulus” program.

An option under consideration is to require financial institutions that have received bailout money to use the funds to buy U.S. Treasury bonds. “We gave these banks that bailout money,” said Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner. “They ought to use it to help us cover the deficit.”

Geithner said he expects the President to be making a few phone calls this week to make sure this happens. “There is a saying that he who pays the piper calls the tune,” Geithner observed. “As the savior of the banking industry, the President has every right to call the tune on this. And I think that tune will be ‘buy our bonds or the music will stop.’”

In related news, President Obama announced he will be giving the government of Zimbabwe an aid package totaling over $70 million. “Zimbabwe’s innovative experiment with monetary policy cannot be allowed to die due to our indifference,” Obama said. Most economists hold Zimbabwe’s “innovative” monetary policy responsible for that country’s million percent inflation rate.

House Blocks Effort to Bar Illegals from “Stimulus” Jobs

Two Republican-sponsored amendments to a FY 2010 appropriations bill were rejected by the Democratic majority. The amendments would have required firms bidding on federal aid projects to verify whether persons hired for the work were legal residents of the United States.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) characterized the amendments as “partisan and racist.” “We need to get people working as quickly as possible if we are to get the economy back on track,” Pelosi said. “Demanding that prospective jobholders provide proof of legal residency would only add bureaucratic delay to the process and unfairly burden a non-English speaking minority, which, I might add, is a key Democratic constituency.”

President May Release Gitmo Prisoners in the U.S.

Having notable difficulties in persuading foreign governments to take prisoners from Gitmo when it is closed, President Barack Obama is laying the groundwork for releasing some of them within the United States.

“Look, it’s been years since any of these prisoners has killed anyone, how do we know they’re ‘too dangerous’ to go free?” the President asked. “These years of good behavior behind bars shouldn’t go unrewarded. Besides, maybe releasing them in the United States will be the gesture of reconciliation that will change the tenor of our relationship with the Muslim world.”

The President is reported to be considering turning prisoners over to the custody of the Council on American-Islamic Relations (CAIR) if that organization is willing vouch for them.

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By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

The shooting death of Dr. George Tiller, the nation’s foremost provider of late term abortions, inspired an uncharacteristic outburst of anger from President Barack Obama.

“I am shocked and outraged by the murder of Dr. George Tiller as he attended church services,” the President fulminated. “For a life to be ended so abruptly and without warning to the victim is truly a heinous act of violence.”

The president lauded Tiller’s work and described him as “an angel of mercy who relieved distraught women of the unwanted burdens of motherhood while simultaneously weeding the ‘garden of life’ of potentially harmful overgrowth. His services will be sorely missed by so many future beneficiaries.”

National Organization for Women President Kim Gandy echoed the president’s sentiments. “Dr. Tiller was the last escape option for women who were within days, hours, or in some cases just minutes of an unwanted motherhood,” Gandy said. “His cold blooded murder will doubtless send a chilling message to other defenders of reproductive rights. Who can say how many women will have their pregnancies forced to term if doctors fear to intervene? It is a tragedy I shudder to contemplate.”

“It’s so scary and unfair,” complained a staff member at an Austin reproductive clinic. “Dr. Tiller was unarmed and defenseless. He didn’t even know the guy that killed him. What kind of a world do we live in when such things can happen?”

Calling the reproductive services provided by Dr. Tiller and his peers “vital to our way of life,” US Attorney General Eric Holder ordered federal officers to increase security for abortion clinics throughout the nation.

Obama Administration Overturns Georgia Voter Verification Process

The U.S. Department of Justice (DOJ) has ruled that the State of Georgia may not use driver’s license photo ids or Social Security numbers to verify the eligibility of those casting ballots in that state.

Loretta King, acting assistant attorney general of the Justice Department’s civil rights division, said that “requiring prospective voters to submit to such scrutiny at the polls would be humiliating and tend to reduce voter turnout—contravening the Administration’s policy of ensuring that all have access to the right to vote.”

King went on to cite the “disproportionate impact on those without easy access to these forms of documentation. Those who cannot read may not be able to obtain driver’s licenses because they can’t pass the written exam. Those who cannot show a valid birth certificate can’t obtain a valid Social Security number.”

The need for such close scrutiny was challenged as “excessively burdensome” by the DOJ. “We don’t require this level of documentation to be elected president,” King observed. “Why should the lesser task of merely voting for president be subjected to a rigorous standard?”

President’s Claim that the U.S. Is “One of the Largest Muslim Countries” Disputed

President Obama’s effort to curry favor with the Muslim world by proclaiming the United States to be “one of the largest Muslim countries” in the world may have backfired. Even the nominally friendly Saudi Arabian government took issue with the proclamation.

“Putting aside the possibly irrelevant fact that only a tiny minority of Americans are Muslim, what evidence might there be to substantiate President Obama’s case?” asked Saudi Minister of Religious Affairs, Sheik Abdul bin Qaat. “Americans may have elected a Muslim president, but has he implemented Sharia Law? Do unbelievers pay the jizya?”

“I have been to America in the months since Obama’s ascension to the presidency, and I can assure you that Christians and Jews are still permitted to publicly flaunt their obscene and erroneous religious delusions,” Qaat continued. “There are Christian evangelists promulgating their inane doctrines on television and radio. There was even a Bible in many of the hotel rooms in which I stayed. There were no Qurans in any of them.”

“President Obama has much to do before he can claim the honor of declaring his country a Muslim country,” Qaat concluded.

Iran’s Ayatollah Ali Khamenei offered a similar evaluation of the President’s claim, adding, “if the American President truly wants a new beginning with us he can start by wiping Israel off the map. Can he not see that this nation of invading Jews is the seed of all discord in the region? Instead, he visits Buchenwald to commemorate the so-called Holocaust. This is why Muslims will continue to hate America.”

Homeless Entrepreneur Hassled by City Bureaucrats

Larry Moore has been attempting to earn his way off the streets of San Francisco by shining shoes. He used to be one of the homeless drunkards bumming change from pedestrians up until about a year ago when he decided to try to pull himself up by the bootstraps, so to speak.

While he still sleeps under the Bay Bridge, for the last 11 months he’s cleaned up his act—stopped drinking, bathes everyday, dresses neatly and works diligently at his trade. He’s been saving money to rent a room so he can get out of the ranks of the homeless. However, a newspaper story about his efforts to better himself drew the attention of city bureaucrats who are demanding he fork over $500 for a sidewalk vendor permit.

Christine Falvey, spokeswoman for the City, said the demand that Moore pay for a vendor’s permit was “intended to be educational.” “If he were just sleeping, urinating, or begging on the streets we wouldn’t be bothering him,” she pointed out. “But if he’s trying to profit we want a piece of that.”

Falvey argued that Moore wasn’t being singled out. “Anytime anyone tries to make any money in the city they need to cut us in,” Falvey said. “That is the lesson we intend to teach Mr. Moore. If he doesn’t want to play by our rules he can go back to begging and drinking away whatever money he gets.”

White House Rebuffs Criticism of President’s Lavish Lifestyle

In the midst of an economic crisis that has seen major U.S. companies go bankrupt and unemployment soar to nearly 10% of the workforce, a $30,000 “date” for President Obama and his wife for dinner and a Broadway show last week and a family vacation in Paris this week has rankled some of the President’s critics.

Presidential Press Secretary Robert Gibbs brushed aside all criticism, calling it “sour grapes.” “They’re making a big deal over nothing,” Gibbs contended. “The personal frugality the Obamas exhibited on the campaign trail last year should not be construed as some sort of commitment to a post-election lifestyle.”

“You’ve got to remember, last year, he was just one of 100 senators,” Gibbs went on. “A senator’s access to the nation’s resources is much more limited than a president’s. Senators have smaller expense accounts and a coterie of jealous peers to rein them in. But the president, as the single ruler of the entire nation, can pretty much do whatever he wants.”

In related news, President Obama caused a bit of a stir in Egypt when he insisted that a 3,000 year old hieroglyphic on a tomb depicted him. “Pharaoh in a past life, ruler of the free world today,” Obama observed. “Some of us are just destined to greatness throughout recorded history.”

Jewish Birthrate Called Impediment to Peace in Palestine

Citing what she called an “abnormally high birthrate for Jews,” U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton bemoaned its impact on the Middle East “peace process.”

“If Israeli Jews reproduced at rates similar to American Jews, demographics alone would resolve the issue in a couple of generations,” Clinton asserted. “At current Jewish birthrates, though, we’ll see Jewish control of the Israeli government stretching out for centuries to come.”

Clinton suggested that “stepped up birth control measures among the Jews and opening the borders to Palestinian immigrants would help expedite a peaceful political settlement of the issue. It is the Jewishness of the Israeli state that is an anomaly and an offense to the dominant Muslim culture of the entire region. Once this is ended, Jews could live peaceably as a minority as they do in other Middle Eastern nations.”

Muslim birthrates in Israel still exceed those of Jews by 3.31 children per Muslim woman to 2.77 per Jewish woman. Since Israeli Muslims do have the right to vote, it is only a matter of time before they will constitute a majority in that country’s elections.

In related news, President Obama blamed the continued construction of Jewish homes in disputed areas of Israel for heightening tensions. “If the Jews would stop building these settlements Hamas and Hezbolah wouldn’t have to keep launching rockets to try to destroy or deter them,” Obama contended.

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