By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
Federal Reserve (Fed) Chairman Ben Bernanke warned that congressional enactment of Representative Ron Paul’s (R-Texas) bill mandating that the Federal Reserve be audited “could destroy our way of life.” The legislation (H.R. 1207) has been garnering significant bipartisan support that may give it a good chance of passing.
“Secrecy is essential for the Fed to operate properly,” Bernanke insisted. “The kind of disclosure that would accompany an audit would impede our ability to manage the money supply. Individuals would be armed with information enabling them to take actions that could thwart our objectives.”
As an example, the Federal Reserve Chairman cited a process known as “monetizing the debt.” “With the federal government deficit in excess of a trillion dollars it is crucial that the Fed create additional dollars to help cover this debt,” Bernanke said. “If this process were widely understood, as might happen during the course of an audit, private citizens might try to protect the value of their assets by switching out of dollar-denominated assets.”
The problem with people trying to protect their assets, according to Bernanke, is that it allows the individual to place his own interests ahead of what the Fed has determined is the collective interests of the nation. “The bankruptcy of the government would be a far greater calamity than the bankruptcy of private individuals,” he argued. “It is better that the progressive transfer of wealth from individuals to the government by the policies of the Federal Reserve not be sacrificed because of a fetish for individual liberty.”
Congressional Probe of ACORN Scuttled
House Judiciary Committee Chairman John Conyers Jr. (D-Mich.) announced that his planned investigation into allegations of vote fraud committed by the Association of Community Organization for Reform Now (ACORN) has been canceled by “the powers that be.”
“The President has advised me that it would not be in my best interest to press ahead with what he called ‘a witch hunt,’” Conyers said. “He says enemies of the Party would use evidence from my hearings to fan the flames of seditious resistance to the legitimacy of his administration.”
Conyers said he was told that “failure to nip this in the bud could ultimately lead to the kind of street unrest that is currently threatening the government of Iran. Such unrest would be far more dangerous in the United States because of the widespread ownership of firearms in this country compared to Iran. Unlike Iranians, angry Americans won’t be confined to shouting slogans, burning effigies and tossing rocks.”
“So, to be on the safe side, I decided to call off my investigation,” Conyers concluded.
A dozen lawsuits alleging voter fraud in the 2008 election have been filed against ACORN and its affiliates.
In related news, in a bid to improve its image and reduce its visibility on the web, ACORN has announced a change in the organization’s name to Community Reform Activist Movement (CRAM). “The name ACORN has become tarnished beyond repair,” said spokesman Ivy Chicane. “In many people’s minds it is synonymous with ‘corrupt.’ A new name will help us build a new image and shuck the bad vibes.”
Funding for Iranian Democracy Cut
In a move characterized as “a major step toward restoring fiscal responsibility to the federal budget, the Obama Administration has “zeroed out” funds earmarked to promote democracy in Iran. The funding began in 2004 with an appropriation of $1.5 million. More recently, around $60 million was appropriated, mostly to fund Persian language broadcasting services at Voice of America (VOA) and Radio Free Europe/Radio Liberty.
“This relic of the Bush Administration is both dangerous and unnecessary,” contended White House chief-of-staff Rahm Emanuel. “At a time of turmoil in Iran, the US Government should not be seen as taking sides. This foments instability. I mean, how would we like it if Iran were funding English language broadcasts urging Americans to join the Islamic jihad?”
Emanuel argued that such broadcasts by the VOA are no longer necessary. “The President’s speech in Cairo supplants all lesser efforts,” Emanuel boasted. “Its timeless eloquence made it a self-sustaining beacon for all mankind’s aspirations for a better world. Further statements by the Voice of America or others dilute the President’s message and waste resources that could be better used elsewhere.”
Despite the President cutting this program, Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad still called Obama a “meddler” for not discouraging questions about the Iranian election. “When Mr. Obama was elected president I sent my congratulations,” Ahmadinejad recounted. “I did not attempt to undermine his regime by harping on the widespread allegations of vote fraud leveled by his opponents. Why can he not return the favor?”
In related news, families of those slain by the Iranian government during protests related to the recent election have begun receiving invoices for the cost of the bullets used to kill their loved ones. Even though the cost of the bullets that actually killed the individuals in question is low, the invoice amount per victim is the equivalent of $3,000 in US currency. Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei explained, “it is insufficient to recover only the cost of the ‘hits.’ We must also replace the ammunition that missed the targets. Imposing these costs on the families of the troublemakers reinforces our message.”
President Won’t Confine His Family to Options Covered under His Health Care Plan
President Obama’s health care TV special turned out to be more revealing than he intended. When asked whether he would accept the limitations on care prescribed by a government run health plan like Medicare when it came to members of his own family, the President responded: “no.”
“A national health care plan is aimed at ensuring a minimum standard of care for ordinary people who don’t have the resources for better care,” the President explained. “People with missions critical to the survival and prosperity of the nation—like the president, cabinet, members of congress and the like—will, naturally, need to receive the best care possible.”
The President explained that a cost/benefit calculus will be applied in decisions made under his plan. “We can’t just throw money around,” Obama said. “Persons of higher value to the nation will qualify for more expensive efforts to preserve their lives and health. It’s like a baseball team investing more in the health of a superstar than they do in a bench-jockey or minor-leaguer.”
The President further assured Americans that “those who are willing to spend their own money—like I would if it’s my wife, if it’s my children—can pay for their own care. We won’t outlaw private purchase of services like they do in Canada’s ‘single-payer’ system.”
Cheerios to Be Available by Prescription Only
Citing the cereal’s claim that incorporating Cheerios into a daily diet could lower cholesterol by up to 4% within 6 weeks, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has announced proposed regulations that would require buyers to obtain a doctor’s prescription before they would be allowed to purchase the product.
“Lowering cholesterol is a medical outcome,” FDA spokesperson, Susan Cruzan pointed out. “As such, it comes under our jurisdiction. Other makers of cholesterol-lowering drugs must get FDA approval before marketing their products. To allow General Mills to skate on this would give them an unfair advantage.”
Cruzan contended that “requiring consumers to obtain a doctor’s prescription is a relatively lenient standard. We could have insisted that the product be taken off the market until clinical testing could verify the claimed benefits. Such testing, I might point out, normally takes several years.”
More rigorous control over health claims for foods is “just one blade of the scissors the FDA will be using to help cut out unhealthy lifestyles. The really bad foods loaded with fat or sugar will soon feel the hand of government steering their manufacturers and purveyors toward more nutritious options.”
Vote on Same-Sex “Marriage” Called Essential
Calling it the most crucial issue for this generation, Governor David Paterson (D-N.Y.) said he will not permit the legislature to adjourn for the summer recess until it votes to legalize same-sex “marriage” in the state.
“For too long we have suppressed a fundamental human right to wed the individual of our choice if that choice deviates from the heterosexual normativity that has straight-jacketed our society,” Paterson complained. “This channels homosexual love into dangerous promiscuity. Legalizing same-sex “marriage” will bring the stability of family to these relationships. It has got to be our top priority.”
Paterson brushed aside critics’ contentions that the state’s fiscal crisis ought to be the top priority—calling it “just an argument about money that could easily be handled with a tax increase.”