By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
The shooting death of Dr. George Tiller, the nation’s foremost provider of late term abortions, inspired an uncharacteristic outburst of anger from President Barack Obama.
“I am shocked and outraged by the murder of Dr. George Tiller as he attended church services,” the President fulminated. “For a life to be ended so abruptly and without warning to the victim is truly a heinous act of violence.”
The president lauded Tiller’s work and described him as “an angel of mercy who relieved distraught women of the unwanted burdens of motherhood while simultaneously weeding the ‘garden of life’ of potentially harmful overgrowth. His services will be sorely missed by so many future beneficiaries.”
National Organization for Women President Kim Gandy echoed the president’s sentiments. “Dr. Tiller was the last escape option for women who were within days, hours, or in some cases just minutes of an unwanted motherhood,” Gandy said. “His cold blooded murder will doubtless send a chilling message to other defenders of reproductive rights. Who can say how many women will have their pregnancies forced to term if doctors fear to intervene? It is a tragedy I shudder to contemplate.”
“It’s so scary and unfair,” complained a staff member at an Austin reproductive clinic. “Dr. Tiller was unarmed and defenseless. He didn’t even know the guy that killed him. What kind of a world do we live in when such things can happen?”
Calling the reproductive services provided by Dr. Tiller and his peers “vital to our way of life,” US Attorney General Eric Holder ordered federal officers to increase security for abortion clinics throughout the nation.
Obama Administration Overturns Georgia Voter Verification Process
The U.S. Department of Justice (DOJ) has ruled that the State of Georgia may not use driver’s license photo ids or Social Security numbers to verify the eligibility of those casting ballots in that state.
Loretta King, acting assistant attorney general of the Justice Department’s civil rights division, said that “requiring prospective voters to submit to such scrutiny at the polls would be humiliating and tend to reduce voter turnout—contravening the Administration’s policy of ensuring that all have access to the right to vote.”
King went on to cite the “disproportionate impact on those without easy access to these forms of documentation. Those who cannot read may not be able to obtain driver’s licenses because they can’t pass the written exam. Those who cannot show a valid birth certificate can’t obtain a valid Social Security number.”
The need for such close scrutiny was challenged as “excessively burdensome” by the DOJ. “We don’t require this level of documentation to be elected president,” King observed. “Why should the lesser task of merely voting for president be subjected to a rigorous standard?”
President’s Claim that the U.S. Is “One of the Largest Muslim Countries” Disputed
President Obama’s effort to curry favor with the Muslim world by proclaiming the United States to be “one of the largest Muslim countries” in the world may have backfired. Even the nominally friendly Saudi Arabian government took issue with the proclamation.
“Putting aside the possibly irrelevant fact that only a tiny minority of Americans are Muslim, what evidence might there be to substantiate President Obama’s case?” asked Saudi Minister of Religious Affairs, Sheik Abdul bin Qaat. “Americans may have elected a Muslim president, but has he implemented Sharia Law? Do unbelievers pay the jizya?”
“I have been to America in the months since Obama’s ascension to the presidency, and I can assure you that Christians and Jews are still permitted to publicly flaunt their obscene and erroneous religious delusions,” Qaat continued. “There are Christian evangelists promulgating their inane doctrines on television and radio. There was even a Bible in many of the hotel rooms in which I stayed. There were no Qurans in any of them.”
“President Obama has much to do before he can claim the honor of declaring his country a Muslim country,” Qaat concluded.
Iran’s Ayatollah Ali Khamenei offered a similar evaluation of the President’s claim, adding, “if the American President truly wants a new beginning with us he can start by wiping Israel off the map. Can he not see that this nation of invading Jews is the seed of all discord in the region? Instead, he visits Buchenwald to commemorate the so-called Holocaust. This is why Muslims will continue to hate America.”
Homeless Entrepreneur Hassled by City Bureaucrats
Larry Moore has been attempting to earn his way off the streets of San Francisco by shining shoes. He used to be one of the homeless drunkards bumming change from pedestrians up until about a year ago when he decided to try to pull himself up by the bootstraps, so to speak.
While he still sleeps under the Bay Bridge, for the last 11 months he’s cleaned up his act—stopped drinking, bathes everyday, dresses neatly and works diligently at his trade. He’s been saving money to rent a room so he can get out of the ranks of the homeless. However, a newspaper story about his efforts to better himself drew the attention of city bureaucrats who are demanding he fork over $500 for a sidewalk vendor permit.
Christine Falvey, spokeswoman for the City, said the demand that Moore pay for a vendor’s permit was “intended to be educational.” “If he were just sleeping, urinating, or begging on the streets we wouldn’t be bothering him,” she pointed out. “But if he’s trying to profit we want a piece of that.”
Falvey argued that Moore wasn’t being singled out. “Anytime anyone tries to make any money in the city they need to cut us in,” Falvey said. “That is the lesson we intend to teach Mr. Moore. If he doesn’t want to play by our rules he can go back to begging and drinking away whatever money he gets.”
White House Rebuffs Criticism of President’s Lavish Lifestyle
In the midst of an economic crisis that has seen major U.S. companies go bankrupt and unemployment soar to nearly 10% of the workforce, a $30,000 “date” for President Obama and his wife for dinner and a Broadway show last week and a family vacation in Paris this week has rankled some of the President’s critics.
Presidential Press Secretary Robert Gibbs brushed aside all criticism, calling it “sour grapes.” “They’re making a big deal over nothing,” Gibbs contended. “The personal frugality the Obamas exhibited on the campaign trail last year should not be construed as some sort of commitment to a post-election lifestyle.”
“You’ve got to remember, last year, he was just one of 100 senators,” Gibbs went on. “A senator’s access to the nation’s resources is much more limited than a president’s. Senators have smaller expense accounts and a coterie of jealous peers to rein them in. But the president, as the single ruler of the entire nation, can pretty much do whatever he wants.”
In related news, President Obama caused a bit of a stir in Egypt when he insisted that a 3,000 year old hieroglyphic on a tomb depicted him. “Pharaoh in a past life, ruler of the free world today,” Obama observed. “Some of us are just destined to greatness throughout recorded history.”
Jewish Birthrate Called Impediment to Peace in Palestine
Citing what she called an “abnormally high birthrate for Jews,” U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton bemoaned its impact on the Middle East “peace process.”
“If Israeli Jews reproduced at rates similar to American Jews, demographics alone would resolve the issue in a couple of generations,” Clinton asserted. “At current Jewish birthrates, though, we’ll see Jewish control of the Israeli government stretching out for centuries to come.”
Clinton suggested that “stepped up birth control measures among the Jews and opening the borders to Palestinian immigrants would help expedite a peaceful political settlement of the issue. It is the Jewishness of the Israeli state that is an anomaly and an offense to the dominant Muslim culture of the entire region. Once this is ended, Jews could live peaceably as a minority as they do in other Middle Eastern nations.”
Muslim birthrates in Israel still exceed those of Jews by 3.31 children per Muslim woman to 2.77 per Jewish woman. Since Israeli Muslims do have the right to vote, it is only a matter of time before they will constitute a majority in that country’s elections.
In related news, President Obama blamed the continued construction of Jewish homes in disputed areas of Israel for heightening tensions. “If the Jews would stop building these settlements Hamas and Hezbolah wouldn’t have to keep launching rockets to try to destroy or deter them,” Obama contended.