By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
President Barack Obama defended his firing of Inspector General Gerald Walpin after concerns surfaced that his action violated a law he co-sponsored when he was a senator. Under that law, the President is required to give congress a 30-day advance notice and a detailed explanation of the reasons for the termination—neither of which the President did.
“First, let me point out that the law in question was aimed at reining-in a rogue Bush Administration,” Norman Eisen, the White House Special Counsel to the President for Ethics and Government Reform asserted. “It is not explicitly applicable anymore. Second, the law itself is flawed in that there is no provision for an emergency situation. Mr. Walpin’s public criticism of the brokered compromise that allowed for the New Hope Academy to repay most of the fraudulently spent money was endangering the reputation of a rising young political star of the African-American community. Averting this irreparable harm required that the President bypass the advance notice provision of the statute.”
Eisen also contended that “the President’s initial reluctance to give a detailed explanation was out of consideration for the feelings of Mr. Walpin. He didn’t think Mr. Walpin would want his dementia put on display.” Asked for evidence of Walpin’s alleged dementia, Eisen pointed out that “he rejected a confidential request that he just drop the issue. I mean, when the President of the United States, the most powerful man in the world, asks you to do something, only someone of diminished mental capacity would refuse.”
“The bottom line is that all appointees serve at the pleasure of the President,” Eisen said. “Quite frankly, Mr. Walpin failed to pleasure the President. It’s that simple. No further questions need be asked or answered. Case closed.”
New Financial Consumer Agency to Prevent Unwise Spending
The cascade of foreclosures, bankruptcies and bad debt that has rocked the market and sent the economy into a downward spiral has inspired the Obama Administration to propose a radical remedy: government oversight of consumer credit.
“Too many households are spending money they don’t have and incurring debt they can’t repay,” said US Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner. “This is a formula for fiscal disaster. It has to stop.”
Under the President’s plan, a new Financial Consumer Agency (FCA) would be created within the US Treasury Department. The FCA would be empowered to scrutinize all forms of consumer credit. If it were determined that an individual wasn’t using credit wisely, the government would put a “freeze” on all his or her accounts.
“We’re not saying that persons who come under the FCA’s authority would necessarily be totally cutoff,” Geithner explained. “If we are persuaded that a consumer’s need is genuine, the government will stand in as a sort of ‘cosigner’ for the loan.”
Geithner downplayed fears that the federal government itself might be in too precarious fiscal condition to absorb another open-ended burden of “cosigning” for consumer loans. “We will be using the same rigorous evaluation of the proposed spending as we do with the federal budget to ensure against wasteful outlays,” he promised. “But even if we err, the Federal Reserve can create any additional money that may be necessary.”
“No War Crimes” Opinion Sparks Outrage
Former chief international war crimes prosecutor and international law expert Richard Goldstone’s statement that “nothing the US did in Iraq could ever constitute a war crime that could be prosecuted by the International Criminal Court,” sparked expressions of outrage from several sources.
Representative John Murtha (D-Penn) was most vociferous in denouncing Goldstone. “This attempt to whitewash the crimes committed by US troops is unconscionable,” Murtha exclaimed. “I have already declared our troops to be cold-blooded killers.” Murtha called Goldstone “a publicity seeker willing to smear my reputation in order to gain personal notoriety for himself.”
“I’ve dedicated my career to exposing the atrocities committed by the US military,” Senator John Kerry (D-Mass) boasted. “We already know that the Bush Administration waged a campaign to terrorize women and children in Iraq. Goldstone’s belated attempt to exonerate a criminal regime casts aspersions on my life’s work. It is unwelcome, untimely and unseemly.”
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) warned “if the right wing thinks they can use this to excuse the actions of the Bush Administration, they’d better think twice. We were prepared to be magnanimous and forgiving, but if Bush or Chenney believe these kinds of statements absolve them of guilt, the gloves are coming off.” Reid hinted that war crimes hearings could be convened once congress has finished dealing with the economic crisis and advised the former president that “a simple admission of guilt would be the least painful way for him to avoid a more lurid public exposure of his crimes.”
White House Explains Need to Insure Illegal Aliens
Inasmuch as the “46 million uninsured” figure cited by President Obama’s Council of Economic Advisers (CEA) includes an estimated 10 million persons in this country illegally, the White House hastened to explain why American taxpayers must insure even those here illegally.
“It’s a simple question of personal responsibility,” said CEA chairperson Christina Romer. “Under our current laws, if a burglar breaks into your home and is injured on the premises, you are liable for his injuries. The same basic principle applies to those who have ‘broken into the United States,’ so to speak.”
The President’s position received support from the New York Times’ editors who wrote “the desperate plight of these strangers in a strange land is a moral obligation that we must not shun due to xenophobia or racism.”
Senator Objects to Being Addressed as “Ma’am”
Senator Barbara Boxer (D-Calif) took offense when Brigadier General Michael Walsh used the phrase “yes, ma’am” in response to one of her questions during a Senate Foreign Relations Committee hearing, calling it a “typical demonstration of the military’s inherent disrespect for women.”
“They want us to accept it as a term of respect,” Boxer said. “Bit it’s a code word for what they’re really thinking—‘broad,’ ‘bitch,’ or something even more derogatory. After all, ‘ma’am’ is a contraction for ‘madam’—a term used to describe the head prostitute in a whorehouse.”
Boxer said that “the proper way for a so-called officer and gentleman, which these men claim to be, to address someone like myself would be ‘Senator Boxer,’ ‘the Honorable Barbara Boxer,’ or ‘sir’—terms that wouldn’t demean me by calling attention to my provocative breasts or moist and inviting genitalia.”
The Senator was further offended when the senate refused to pass a “motion of censure” chastising General Walsh. “I’m not surprised,” exclaimed an exasperated Boxer. “A majority of senators, like most men, are pigs.”
President Kills Fly
Demonstrating what the media is calling “skills beyond those of any previous American president,” President Barack Obama swatted a fly during a recent press conference. Lest anyone present miss the significance of the deed, Obama himself pronounced it “impressive.”
On the Today Show (NBC), substitute-host David Gregory praised the President’s “super-human concentration and precision,” and added, “there’s no way that a President McCain could’ve done this. America’s voters obviously chose wisely last November.”
On The Early Show (CBS), Chris Wragge mused that Obama “must have had some ninja training.” Wragge speculated that the President’s reluctance to reveal this background to America’s enemies “is the logical explanation for why his educational records are kept confidential.”
On Good Morning America (ABC), Chris Cuomo provided a frame-by-frame analysis of the video that captured the President’s “rare talent” and decreed that “the President’s words at the moment of his triumph are beyond eloquent. Future school children will be asked to memorize them for their inspirational meaning.”
Obama’s words as he accomplished this wondrous feat were: “Hey! Get out of here,” which Cuomo called a gallant and chivalrous warning comparable to “engarde.” And after killing the fly, “I got the sucker,” which Cuomo insisted “ranks right up there with the final lines of Shakespeare’s Hamlet.”
Not everyone was so pleased by the President’s skill. PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) decried the “unnecessary bloodshed.” “He should have given consideration to a peaceful resolution of differences, instead of turning to violence as a first resort,” argued PETA President Ingrid E. Newkirk. Newkirk said the President aggravated his “offense against nature” by “gloating over the death of an innocent creature.”