Bill Granting President Authority to Shutdown Internet Advances

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Legislation that would grant President Obama the authority to selectively shutdown Internet sites is advancing in the senate. The “Cybersecurity Act of 2009” would allow the President to “declare a cybersecurity emergency” relating to “non-governmental” computer networks and do whatever he feels is necessary to respond to the threat.

Author of the bill, Senator Jay Rockefeller (D-WV), declared that “recent events surrounding ‘town hall’ meetings on the President’s health care plan emphasize the need for this legislation. As we saw, access to the Internet enabled rightwing fanatics to quickly and inexpensively alert cadres of sympathizers who turned out to disrupt public forums held by members of congress to explain the plan. As a result, important reform of our health care system has been impeded.”

“If the President had been authorized to take preventive measures, these anti-government agitators could have been thwarted before they even got started,” Rockefeller added. “It’s clear that the Internet is too precious a resource for us to allow it to be abused by the enemies of change.”

The 55-page bill includes a provision restricting the operation of Internet services to “professionals” who would be licensed by the government. “The inept, the unwholesome, and the disloyal must not be allowed to continue to run rampant through the nation’s cyberspace,” Rockefeller said. “The Internet must be reserved for uses compatible with the needs of a progressive society. My bill will ensure that this happens.”

Government Considering Harsh Measures to Deal with Flu Pandemic

Fear that the coming flu season will be deadly has inspired several extreme measures aimed at controlling the spread of the virus.

The senate of Massachusetts has passed the so-called “Pandemic Response Bill.” Under the bill’s provisions, persons suspected of being infected may be interrogated and, if necessary, quarantined by state authorities “as they deem most conducive to protecting the collective health of the state’s inhabitants.”

The Massachusetts bill would also establish mandatory vaccinations and would impose fines of $1,000 per day and/or possible imprisonment for anyone who refuses to submit or to follow orders given by state-licensed law enforcement or medical personnel. Criticism that this bill tramples individual rights drew a sharp rebuke from sponsor, Senator Richard Moore. “No individual has the right to endanger the public’s health by refusing medications deemed necessary to protect that health,” Moore asserted. “If the government orders you to be inoculated, you will be inoculated, by force if necessary.”

At the national level, the President’s Council of Advisers on Science and Technology warns that “as many as 90,000 of the sickest and most susceptible Americans may need to be aseptically euthanized in order to prevent these disease carriers from initiating a more widespread pandemic that could kill millions. Optimally, this would be carried out under the reforms written into the current health care bill. But the situation is so dire that a Presidential Executive Order may have to suffice until such authority is legislatively granted.”

Kennedy Request to Be Buried at Sea Blocked by EPA

The late Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Mass) had requested that he be buried at sea. While such requests normally are honored, this one was vetoed by the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA).

The key sticking point was the Senators request that his “coffin” be a “1967 Oldsmobile Delmont 88.” Those familiar with the Chappaquiddick incident may recognize this as the car that the Senator drove off a bridge in 1969 on the way to an extramarital tryst with a young campaign volunteer named Mary Jo Kopechne in the car with him. Ms. Kopechne was trapped in the submerged car for several hours and died of suffocation while Senator Kennedy took steps trying to build a false alibi and conferring with lawyers and political advisors.

“Of course, it was the nation’s great loss when the Chappaquiddick incident was exploited by the Senator’s political opponents to deny him his presidential destiny. And while granting this burial request would seem the least we could do for this outstanding American, we cannot permit the negative environmental impact that would result if it were carried out as presently conceived,” said EPA Administrator Lisa Jackson. “Instead of contributing to polluting the ocean, we recommend that the Senator be ‘composted’ and returned to the soil as fertilizer. That way he can go out on a high note.”

Castro Throws Weight Behind Obama’s Health Care Bill

The Obama Administration received political support from an unexpected source when retired Cuban dictator Fidel Castro denounced the “rightwing racists opposing this visionary leader” and urged all Americans with “progressive values to rally behind their new President.”

While many Democratic Party leaders were uncertain that this endorsement would necessarily be advantageous, Representative Diane Watson (D-Calif) had no doubts. “President Castro is one of the brightest leaders I’ve ever met,” Watson said. “He gave his country a great health care system. If there’s anyone’s advice we should be taking on this issue it’s his.”

Watson argued that “Fidel’s support coming on top of Hugo’s gives us a potent one-two punch in our fight against the reactionaries trying to mount a counterrevolution against our President. We must stamp out selfish individualism and transform our country to be more socially conscious like Cuba and Venezuela.”

Democrat Explains Why Tort Reform Isn’t in Health Care Legislation

Even though it is widely acknowledged that lawsuits are a major factor in the escalation of health care costs over the last few decades, no attempt to rein-in lawsuit abuse is included in the 1000+ page health care reform bill. Former Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean explains why.

“First, the bill is already long enough,” Dean argued. “Adding even one more page would make it unreadable.”

“Second, lawyers are America’s heroes,” Dean contended. “You can’t turn on TV without seeing a lawyer fighting crime, ensuring justice, or rescuing the weak. Voters wouldn’t stand for a bill scapegoating this noble profession.”

“And, let’s face it, lawyers have got America by the short hairs,” Dean confessed. “The mere threat of litigation can destroy a person’s finances and peace-of-mind. Can we really afford to piss these guys off by trying to restrict their income? They have so many legislators in their pocket that any such effort could well backfire and make us worse off than if we did nothing.”

Dems May Initiate Steps to Remove Reagan’s Name from DC Airport

The Metropolitan Washington Airports Authority Board is said to be considering removing former president Ronald Reagan’s name from the City’s airport.

“National monuments should reflect an accurate picture of a society’s character and core values,” said Board Chairman H.R. Crawford. “Reagan symbolized a kind of ‘cowboy individualism’ that ran counter to the mainstream of American history. His political ascendancy was an aberration, a detour, so to speak, on the nation’s road to greater social consciousness. We shouldn’t be exaggerating that detour by having the City’s airport named after him.”

Crawford suggested that “if we have to personalize it, LBJ or FDR would be better namesakes for the airport. But even this still exaggerates the importance of selected individuals. In my opinion, a more fitting name for the facility would be ‘People’s Airport.’”

Kennedy’s Massachusetts Senate Seat to Be Made Hereditary

Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick (D) says he will sign legislation making the senate seat held by the late Senator Kennedy “hereditary.” “Look, the seat has been held by one Kennedy or another, come Hell or high water, for over 50 years,” Patrick observed. “The people of this state obviously want a Kennedy, need a Kennedy in this position. Making the seat hereditary is the simplest way of guaranteeing this.”

Under the draft legislation, the Massachusetts senate seat would pass to his son Patrick Kennedy. Patrick Kennedy is currently a Democratic member of congress from the State of Rhode Island.

The Governor dismissed charges that having the seat pass to a non-resident was “carpetbagging.” “Senator Kennedy’s son is more native to our state than Hillary Clinton was to New York,” the Governor pointed out. “He was born and raised here. And he has the Kennedy blood.”

Governor Patrick cited Representative Kennedy’s DUI and rehab session as “pretty conclusive proof that this apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree.”

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Homosexual Pressure Group Turns up Heat on Mesa for Domestic Partner Benefits

Equality Arizona continues to push its radical agenda onto the citizens of Mesa, one of the nation’s more conservative communities.

Earlier this summer, Equality Arizona encouraged homosexuals to move to Mesa, and now it is campaigning for domestic partner benefits with city officials there. This is nothing more than an effort to undermine marriage and family.

What’s more, this group is asking its members call or email members of the Mesa City Council, Mayor Scott Smith and the Human Relations Advisory Board “to let them know you support a process to explore relationship recognition that that will provide opportunities for unmarried people to take care of each other.”

Equality Arizona is attempting to drag public municipalities into people’s bedrooms in order to gain taxpayer-funded benefits.

Only one percent of Arizona’s population is homosexual, and the homosexual agenda is vastly out of step with the state’s mainstream. Mesa and the East Valley are strongholds of marriage and family.

The extension of spousal benefits to domestic partners erodes the status of marriage, reduces the well-being of children and increases taxpayer costs while reducing worker productivity and economic progress.

Whether heterosexual or homosexual, cohabitation is a huge drainer of taxpayer-funded social services. A plethora of social science studies reveals a whole host of horrors related to households headed by unmarried adults:

  • U.S. and Canadian women in cohabiting relationships were nine times more likely to be killed by their partner than women in marital relationships.
  • The Family Violence Research Program at the University of New Hampshire found that cohabiters were much more violent than married couples, that the overall rates of violence among cohabiting couples was double that of married couples and “severe” violence was five times as high for cohabiters.
  • Three times as many cohabiters admitted “hitting, shoving, and throwing things at their partners in the past year,” compared to married couples. Cohabiters are also more likely to exhibit depression and drunkenness than married couples.
  • Aggression was at least twice as common among cohabiters as it is among married partners. During a one-year period, 35 out of every 100 cohabiting couples experienced physical aggression, compared to 15 out of every 100 married couples.
  • Half of all cohabiting couples either broke up or married within two years, and after five years, only 10-percent of cohabiting couples stayed together. In contrast, 55-percent of first marriages lasted a lifetime.
  • U.S. couples that cohabited before marriage had a 46-percent greater risk of divorce than couples that did not live together before marriage.
  • Children in cohabiting households demonstrated more emotional and behavioral problems, such as not getting along with peers, experiencing difficulty in concentration and feeling sad or depressed. Among adolescents ages 12-17, the percentage of those exhibiting emotional and behavioral problems was six times greater in cohabiting stepfamilies than in married biological-parent families. Negative school engagement was also more common among children in cohabiting families.
  • Unmarried parents were five times more likely to break up than married parents.
  • Cohabiters had a “significantly higher” risk of suicide than married people.
  • Cohabitants tolerated behavior in their partners that husbands and wives would discourage – particularly smoking, alcohol and substance abuse.

The logical question is why the City of Mesa would even entertain the thought of promoting and celebrating aberrant behavior.

In the mid-1990s, Phoenix was named the world’s best-run city. Since offering benefits for cohabiting employees, it has not approached that lofty status.

Typically, less than one percent of the work force benefits from domestic partner benefits, so why go there, Mesa? Why go there, Mayor Smith and city council members?

Cohabitating adults are already able to take care of each other, and this pressure by Equality Arizona is merely a ploy to undermine families and gain municipal and taxpayer endorsement for alternative lifestyles. It is also out of step with the strong family values evident throughout the history of Mesa.

By far, the best way for Mesa and other Arizona cities to promote social well-being is to encourage strong and vital marriages, rather than forcing taxpayers to pick up the costs related to cohabitation. Councilman Alex Finter has already vowed not to support domestic partner benefits.

Obama Administration Tells Wounded Soldiers to Call the Hemlock Society

The Left’s pretense of compassion is over. And now Team Obama is issuing a book — “Your Life, Your Choices” — to wounded veterans to consider calling the Hemlock Society and commit suicide. These wounded men and women are apparently too big a burden for Obama to bear during his economic recovery efforts.

This is Obama’s idea of gratitude for the courageous men and women who risk life and limb in defense of liberty.

America’s outrage at this is hardly surprising. Obama has done  everything he can, sent every signal, to cheapen respect for human life. It’s no secret.

Returning home from war with horrible, debilitating injuries should merit much more respect from the commander in chief.

If anything could send a strong message to these heroes – and to would-be recruits – that their efforts are not noble and are not respected, this is surely it. The book, titled “,” asks wounded vets to ask themselves if they are too big a burden, and it suggests that they consider contacting the Hemlock Society and poison themselves to death.

Can any outrage to this be too strong?

Sen. Arlen Specter has called for hearings to scrutinize the book for veterans’ end-of-life care, which has been characterized as a “hurry-up-and-die” message to injured troops. President George W. Bush found out about this book during his administration and ordered distribution halted.

Skip the hearings!

Burn it! Burn every copy!

Then, President Obama, apologize to our amazing veterans. This time, get out the champagne.

Deletion of ‘Death Panels’ from Health Care Bill Decried

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann expressed disappointment that the US Senate has decided to delete “end-of-life counseling” from their version of the President’s health care bill.

“Now a frightened or lonely elderly man or woman won’t get the benefit of friendly advice on how to end their pain,” Olbermann complained. “They’ll be left to go it alone, unaware that the government is willing to provide assisted suicide at little or no expense to them.”

Worse still, according to Olbermann, “society will have to continue to bear the burdens of costly medical treatment for many who really have nothing much to live for.”

Olbermann blamed “right-wing fanatics” like former Governor Sarah Palin, “whose own selfishness prevented her from saving her own son from a useless life as a retard,” for “stirring up opposition to this merciful provision” of the proposed legislation.

Dr. Ezekiel Emanuel, the President’s health-policy adviser in the Office of Management and Budget, seconded Olbermann’s complaint. “As the President himself pointed out, sometimes it’s better for a person to just take a pill than try to continue to hold onto a deteriorated quality of life,” Emanuel said. “I, myself, have given similar advice to many of my patients. All this bill would’ve done is encourage other doctors to do the same by providing a monetary incentive for such end-of-life counseling. People who are irreversibly prevented from being or becoming participating citizens need this counseling.”

The absence of an incentive for such counseling “will prolong the agony of the suffering and increase the financial burden to extend lives not worth the investment of society’s scarce resources,” Emanuel argued. “Physicians must break out of their narrow focus on each single patient and consider the effects on the collective well-being of society. The government offering them compensation for doing so seems, to me, a cost-effective way of achieving this.”

Health Care Rationing to Be Brought Under “Social Control”

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid says he is determined to wrest control over health care from the insurance industry and bring it under what he called “social control.”

“There is no question that health care costs must be contained and that rationing is the most sensible way to do this,” Reid said. “The issue is whether this rationing will continue to be in the hands of profiteers or whether the government will step in and take it over for the good of the whole.”

Reid characterized the arguments of opponents of the health care bill as “disingenuous.” “They’d have voters believe that the choice is between a free market and the government,” Reid said. “Well, the free market in medical services was destroyed long ago. What we have now is a heavily regulated public-private partnership. The President’s bill just tries to clarify who is the ‘senior partner’ in the relationship.”

The Senator rejected arguments that aim at restoring a greater measure of individual control over health care decision-making, saying that the average person “lacks the knowledge to make an informed choice and is apt to be too self-centered to consider the ‘big picture.’”

“Everyone agrees that we wouldn’t let a child decide whether to go to a doctor or to take the prescribed medicine,” Reid contended. “So how could we allow an ill-informed population to make such crucial choices? A healthy community requires a coordinated plan where the good of the whole guides how resources are spent and who gets treated and who doesn’t.”

“Cash for Clunkers” Program Raises Cost of Used Cars

The highly touted “success” of the government’s program to pay individuals up to $4500 to trade in old cars for newer, more fuel efficient cars has reduced the quantity of older cars available and boosted their price. Inasmuch as older cars are the only vehicles that low income earners can afford, this segment of society has been negatively affected by the program.

Presidential Press Secretary Robert Gibbs dismissed criticism that the “poor” are bearing a disproportionate impact. “The government has poured billions into urban transit systems to serve the poor,” Gibbs argued. “They should be happy riding the bus, not out polluting the air by driving around in cheap jalopies.”

Clinton Says US Elections Just as Corrupt as those in Africa

In a bid to break new ground with governments that have previously come under suspicion for rigged elections, US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton asserted that “things aren’t necessarily any different in America.”

As examples, the Secretary of State suggested that George Bush’s 2000 victory over Al Gore in the presidential election and Barack Obama’s victory over her in the 2008 primary each showed significant evidence of tampering.

“In the 2000 election we had George Bush’s brother, Governor Jeb Bush pulling strings for him,” Clinton claimed. “Complex ballot design in one county resulted in the moron vote—a key Democratic constituency—mistakenly going for Pat Buchanan. In other counties, ballot counters were barred from punching through dimpled chads of incomplete ballots in strongly Democratic precincts.”

“In 2008, a man of little experience and even fewer accomplishments was able to pack Democratic caucuses with crowds of unidentified people and intimidate others into voting for him,” she continued. “So, I think you can see that our countries are not that different. It is our hope that from this common ground we can build a more lasting friendship.”

“Town Hall” Protests Irk Governing Elite

Continued outpouring of opposition to the President’s health care legislation at so-called “town hall” meetings being held around the country by members of congress is fraying tempers among the governing class.

In an op ed penned for publication in the USA Today newspaper, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) and House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer (D-Maryland) declared that opposition to the bill is “un-American.” “Great Americans from Presidents Lyndon Johnson to Bill Clinton have supported health care reform,” they wrote. “Three House Committees have passed the current bill out of their committees. The American Medical Association supports this bill. The American Trial Lawyers Association supports this bill. The American pharmaceutical industry supports this bill. American unions support this bill. If all these Americans are behind this reform, who can be against it but unAmericans?

Harry Reid characterized the legislation’s opponents as “evil mongers.” “Instead of supporting our efforts to improve the health care system, these people are badgering the government’s representatives in city after city across the land,” Reid complained. “Instead of listening to their own elected representatives they’re trying to tell us what to do. This is pure evil in my mind.”

White House Aide Linda Douglass called Administration opponents’ tactics reprehensible. “They have dredged up videos of what the President said in 2006 when he was a senator trying to use his own words to impeach his veracity,” Douglass said. “It’s like they’re saying he’s two-faced and can’t be trusted. This is disrespectful of the President. It shouldn’t be permitted in a free country.”

Former Democratic National Chairman, Governor Howard Dean, said that “such open and vociferous opposition is inciting violence.” The only violence to-date at the town halls has come from supporters of the President’s bill roughing up a few opponents. This, says Dean, makes his point. “People can’t be allowed to say whatever they want without taking responsibility for how this affects others,” Dean contended. “The protesters are making the good people of this country mad. Any blood shed will be on their hands.”

New FCC Appointee Proposes Innovative Approach to Balanced Programming

Mark Lloyd, a former senior fellow at the George Soros-funded Center for American Progress, who has been named the FCC’s new “chief diversity officer” has proposed that talk radio “use the profits made from airing right-wing programs to support an equal quantity of opposing views.” Under his proposal, the FCC would assess talk radio stations a fee equal to their profits. This money would then be turned over to the Corporation for Public Broadcasting.

Lloyd admitted that the money spent on alternative views wouldn’t guarantee an equivalent audience. “We can air counter-programming, but we can’t make people listen, at least yet,” Lloyd conceded.

A likely outcome as Lloyd sees it would be a shift away from the talk radio format. “Faced with heavy fees, many stations will switch to other formats like music or sports,” Lloyd predicted. “This should have a more calming influence on the general public. And, let’s face it, a more agreeable disposition and a less contentious way of life will be healthier all around.”

John Semmens’ Archives

President Says He will Sacrifice Second Term for Health Care Reform

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

In a bid to stiffen the resolve of wavering congressional Democrats, President Barack Obama boasted that he will put his reelection on the line if that is what it takes to get a bill passed and not “cower from confrontation like a former occupant of this office did when faced with similar opposition.”

The “cowering” predecessor would be former President Bill Clinton who backed off from his administration’s health care legislation as opposition poured in from voters across the nation.

Press Secretary Robert Gibbs explained that “as far as the President is concerned, his most important accomplishment—being the first African-American elected to the office—has already been attained. Everything from here on is pure gravy.”

In related news, House Energy and Commerce Committee Chairman Henry Waxman (D-Calif) warned Republican members of congress that trying to stop the health care bill would be “a serious mistake.” “We have the votes to pass it without any Republican support,” he reminded. “We can write the bill anyway we want.” Waxman’s remarks are believed to refer to a provision that would strip those who vote “no” of their special congressional health care insurance and force them into the “public option” insurance category that would be established under the proposed legislation.

President Denounces “Disinformation” Campaign against His Health Care Proposal

President Barack Obama came out swinging against the “wee-weed up” opponents of his health care bill, claiming that contentions it will lead to runaway government spending are unfounded.

“Using past cost overruns in Medicare and Medicaid as a forecast for my reform is misleading,” Obama declared. “My bill has provisions that will prevent irresponsible spending.”

“First, my reform will ensure that any woman who wants an abortion will get an abortion,” Obama pointed out. “This simple procedure will save the government a lifetime of medical expenses that would otherwise be incurred tending to the needs of these unwanted children.”

“Second, my reform calls for careful cost-benefit analysis that will avoid expenditures on low-yield outcomes,” he continued. “Statistics show that the majority of medical spending occurs in the last few years of people’s lives. This only prolongs the agony of the feeble. It would be more prudent and merciful to cull these individuals from the herd by implementing a well-funded and robust ‘end-of-life’ counseling program.”

“Third, my reform will cut spending on unnecessary frills,” Obama said. One of the “frills” targeted for reduced spending is anesthesia. The idea is that it will make surgeons work faster—saving both on the lower expenses for anesthesia and fewer physicians’ hours that have to be compensated.

“So, it should be clear that those contending my plan will lead to bankruptcy are misleading people,” he concluded. “We are in the process of gathering information that will hold these false witnesses accountable.”

Press Secretary Robert Gibbs explained that the unfamiliar phrase of “wee-weed up” used by the President meant that, “essentially, he’s calling his opponents a bunch of bed-wetters.”

Senator Kennedy Demands Right to Name Own Successor

Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Mass) has asked the state legislature to change the law so he can name his own replacement in the US Senate. A spokesman for the ailing senator said “the Senator is concerned that he may not live long enough to cast his vote for the current health care bill and ensure that America is on the path to realizing his life long dream for a single-payer national health system.”

Kennedy has couched his request as a cost-saving measure. In a letter to the Massachusetts state legislature the Senator wrote, “I have held this seat for four decades. Despite scandalous allegations that may have felled a lesser man, I’ve been returned to office repeatedly by wide margins. Rather than force voters to choose a replacement as current law requires, I feel it would be more cost-effective for me to name my own successor.”

State Republican Party Vice-Chairman, Casper Meek said his Party was “not necessarily opposed to Kennedy’s idea.” “Look, voters in this state are ‘whacked,’” Meek observed. “A Democrat could commit murder and still get elected. Our Party is just banging its head against a wall contesting these elections. So, why not save us the trouble?”

In addition to repeatedly reelecting Ted (The Swimmer) Kennedy to the US Senate, at the state level, Democrats outnumber Republicans in the lower house by 6 to one and in the senate by 8 to one. “They might as well make the position hereditary,” Meek said. “The state would have better odds for a decent and respectable senator from a genetic mutation than we would with Massachusetts voters making the decision.”

In related news, Representative Barney Frank (D-Mass) characterized his constituents who attended his “town hall” meeting to oppose Obama’s health care bill as “excessively anal in the worst sense of the word—picking over every detail of the bill.” “How can you elect me, yet oppose what I stand for?” Frank shouted at the crowd. “What’s wrong with you?”

Obama Says God Supports His Health Care Plan

In a conference call to over 1,000 religious leaders, President Barack Obama revealed what he called his “hole card” in the battle for passage of his health care reform.

“Opponents of my legislation may have the rich, the racists, the evil-mongers, and the ‘unAmericans’ on their side,” Obama contended. “But I have God on my side.”

The President asserted that “unlike our opponents who shy away from the tough issue of life and death, God and I have ‘partnered’ on this crucial issue. Who shall live and who shall die will be a joint decision.”

Obama cautioned against “letting the scaremongers deflect us from the righteous path. When the highest heavenly authority and the highest earthly authority are united, only those on the side of the devil will oppose us.”

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) said he was “glad the President finally went public with what we’ve intuitively known all along” and that “in this titanic battle between good and evil we are justified in doing whatever it takes to ensure that this bill is passed.”

Restrict Gun Rights to Protect Government Officials Says Congresswoman

Representative Eleanor Holmes Norton (D-DC) called on U.S. Department of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano to restrict the carrying of weapons openly or concealed near areas where the President or other government officials may be located.

The congresswoman called the display of firearms in such locations “a showing of disrespect and potential disobedience toward the government and its agents.” “Government officials shouldn’t have to fear the people,” Norton said. “We need to be confident that no matter what we do, no matter how unpopular we may be, we will still be safe.”

Norton acknowledged that the President and government officials have armed bodyguards accompanying them wherever they go, but that this might not be sufficient. “These bodyguards are government employees, and as we all know, government employees aren’t always diligent or effective,” Norton pointed out. “A disarmed and supine population would be much more reassuring from our perspective.”

In related news, MSNBC defended the “racist” slant of it’s coverage of weapons carried by some of the attendees to a “town hall” meeting in Arizona. “The President is black, what more do we need to know in order to see the inherent racism of those who oppose him?” asked MSNBC spokesman Lyle Longley. “Should we just stand by and let a racist ‘lynch mob’ take him down?” Video showing the face revealed that the gun toting individual featured in the MSNBC broadcast was black.

ABC News Anchor Demands Sheehan Cease Anti-War Protests

ABC News’ Charles Gibson said he was confident that he was speaking for all Americans when he suggested that long-time anti-war protester Cindy Sheehan “give it a rest.”

“Look, as far we are concerned, Sheehan’s antics have served their purpose,” Gibson declared. “Bush is gone. We have a new president. We should all be supporting him in the difficult job of managing the country’s war effort. We should not be tearing him down and aiding the nation’s enemies.”

Gibson insisted he meant no disrespect for Ms. Sheehan. “She did a marvelous job when it was needed,” Gibson said. “Her time in the spotlight is over. Enough is enough. When a player’s part is over it’s time to leave the stage.”  

John Semmens’ Archives

President’s Critics Criticized

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Rising public expressions of dissatisfaction with the President’s proposed healthcare reforms have sparked a harsh push-back from the Administration and its allies.

President Obama himself characterized those questioning his plan as “enemies of progressive policies” and, in effect told them to sit down and shut up. “A year ago such debate was warranted,” Obama said. “We were in the midst of electing a leader for this country. That election is over. I won. It’s time for everyone to pull together under my direction to solve this problem.”

“I am the President,” he continued. “The American people need to listen to me and help me accomplish my objectives. The harassment of members of congress who are endeavoring to enact the legislation necessary to implement my plan must cease. I have authorized measures designed to ensure that this happens.”

The “harassment” to which the president apparently was referring comes from the throngs of angry constituents packing “town hall” meetings called by members of congress to hear comments from voters. The “measures” appear to be the posting of Service Employees International Union guards to “weed out potential trouble makers and ensure proper decorum and respect for government representatives is maintained at all times.”

Senator Blanche Lincoln (D-Ark.) echoed the President’s concern calling the opposition “un-American.” “Disrespecting our President is like children disrespecting their parents,” Lincoln contended. “We should accept that the President, like our parents, is wiser than us and is only trying to do what’s best for all of us.”

Senator Barbara Boxer (D-Calif.) labeled the protests “bogus.” “These people are too neatly dressed, bathed and shaved to be my real constituents,” she claimed. “On top of this, they use correct English. They can’t be my voters. Why should I take the time to listen to them?”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) went even further, castigating those protesting Obamacare as “Nazi-like.” “Some of them were carrying flags and singing songs about Hitler,” Pelosi charged. However, a review of Pelosi’s calendar revealed that she had attended a showing of the musical, “The Producers,” in which a parody of the Nazis plays a major role in the plot.

House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer (D-Md.) announced that the public meetings in his district will, henceforth, be closed to the public. Only those explicitly invited by the congressman will be permitted to attend. “Why should I cater to those who would preach obstruction and disobedience?” Hoyer asked. “It’s time that the loyal citizens get a chance to be heard.” Hoyer suggested that his invitation-only format could “serve as a model for my colleagues and the media on how to conduct publicity for the program.”

Senator Claire McCaskill (D-Missouri) canceled her scheduled “town hall” to “prevent it from becoming a platform for opponents of the President’s program.” “The purpose of these meetings is to allow us to explain what’s going on in Washington,” she said. “We cannot let them be hijacked by people trying to influence policy for their own selfish reasons.”

In support of McCaskill’s position, St. Louis City Circuit Attorney Jennifer Joyce and St. Louis County Circuit Attorney Bob McCulloch have promised to prosecute the President’s critics. “Since the President is a member of a protected minority, any derogatory statement about his motives or intelligence qualifies as a ‘hate crime’ and will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law,” Joyce declared.

President Asserts that American People Are to Blame for Healthcare Crisis

President Barack Obama said that a key source of his frustration with public criticism of his health care plan is that “the people who created this mess aren’t qualified to critique my solution.”

“Look, the average American is an over-weight slob,” Obama asserted. “He eats too much of the wrong foods. He doesn’t get enough exercise. He engages in dangerous activities like smoking and driving. This is driving health care costs through the roof. Opposing my reforms would let these same behaviors continue unchecked.”

The President argued that the evidence supports a “transfer of control over health issues from those who have abused freedom of choice to those who will base decisions on sound science and a devotion to the collective well-being of the whole population. Resistance to this reform is a manifestation of ignorance and the selfish indulgence of personal vices.”

Press Secretary Denies President Is Compiling “Enemies List”

The Obama Administration’s call for its supporters to take down names and addresses of those speaking out against the President’s health care legislation has sparked fears that he is compiling an “enemies list” for future retaliation.

“Not so,” says Robert Gibbs, the President’s Press Secretary. “An ‘enemies list’ implies that we would seek to harm those whose names fall into our hands. Nothing could be further from the truth.”

Gibbs insisted that the list would only be used for constructive purposes. “There’s a lot of misinformation about the President’s program floating around out there,” he contended. “Getting the correct information out is a difficult task. Having a list of those who are already victims of this misinformation will enable us to better target our remedial efforts.”

A remedial effort under consideration is how best to “reeducate” the misinformed. “For example, these people could be scheduled to listen to an exposition of the truth from well-informed government officials,” Gibbs offered. “An all stations simulcast TV briefing by the President and selected experts would be an obvious first option. More intensive formats for conveying the correct view of the plan could be conducted for the ‘hard-to-persuade’ later, if needed.”

Family Surveillance Being Pilot Tested

The United Kingdom government has set aside £400million to pilot test a family surveillance program that advocates are calling a “path-breaking step toward stamping out social pathologies.”

Under the program, 20,000 “problem families” will be subject to 24-hour closed circuit TV observation in their homes for the next two-years. The program, labeled “sin bins” by the media, is intended to discourage bad behavior.

“People are more likely to conform to socially beneficial behaviors when they know they’re being watched,” said the Government’s Children’s Secretary Ed Balls.

For now, the focus is mainly on the behavior of the children. “We’re going to make sure they do their home work and eat right,” Balls said. “Parents will be directed to discipline their children to make sure these objectives are met.”

Balls called the program a prototype for the “caring community” of the future. “In the old days, social pressure helped keep everyone in the village in line,” Balls observed. “Our modern urban environment has dissipated this by providing an anti-social anonymity for everyone. If we can move to universal monitoring we’ll recapture the social pressure advantages we’ve lost through modernization. I’m excited.”

Treasury Secretary Goes on Tirade

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner chewed out fellow top federal regulatory authorities Federal Reserve chairman Ben S. Bernanke, Securities and Exchange Commission chairwoman Mary Schapiro and Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation Chairwoman Sheila Bair last week. The tirade laced with profanities erupted over Geithner’s demand that President Obama’s picture and/or signature appear on newly issued currency.

“The President is torqued because my signature is on the money,” Geithner screamed. “He says I’m advertising myself when I should be advertising him. After all, he’s the f***ing President. He’s the one that will have to stand for reelection, not me. I shouldn’t have to be in the position of looking more important than him.”

By law, no living person’s picture may appear on US currency. This law was passed two centuries ago to differentiate the United States from the practice common under monarchies of having the current king’s face appear on the nation’s money.

Emanuel’s “Strong Arm” Tactics Deplored

Representative Darrell Issa (R-Calif.) sent a letter of complaint against White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel’s “mob-like” threats against Administration opponents.

“Telling governors and legislators that ‘bad things’ might happen to those who ‘don’t play ball’ with the Administration is dialog right out of a gangster movie,” Issa wrote. “It has no place in a free society.”

John Semmens’ Archives

Maricopa County’s Top Republican Opposes Rep. McComish on Sanctuary Cities Bill

State Rep. John McComish (Legislative District 20) is one of several Republicans who refused to vote in favor of a bill calling for an end to the “sanctuary city” policy whereby cities refuse to go after illegal aliens. That led to an exchange with Rob Haney, the chairman of the Maricopa County GOP and an advocate of the bill to outlaw sanctuary status. Today, Haney made public a letter he sent to McComish:

Dear Representative McComish,

I was elected as Maricopa County Republican Chairman by conservative precinct committeemen who wanted someone to speak out clearly within the party to represent their opinions.  These PCs believed they were being ignored by most of Arizona’s congressional delegation who were advocating for amnesty and other liberal agenda items, such as closing gun shows and Campaign Finance Reform.  They also believed that too many Republican state legislators sided with former Governor Napolitano to pass Democrat budgets and legislation and were not representing the conservative beliefs of the PCs. 

Your comments in defense of those Republicans who opposed Sen. Pearce’s bill to end sanctuary cities have been addressed previously by Sen. Pearce here.

Your position on my job responsibilities echos the comment of Senator Kyl after the defeat of the amnesty bill he championed.  The bill was defeated through the leadership of party officials and Republican activists who publicly opposed the bill.  I was proud to be one of those officials.  Senator Kyl stated that the party had exceeded its role.  He further stated that the party exists to get Republicans elected, not declare positions on issues.  Sen. Kyl’s position is a common misconception by many party incumbents.

I disagree with both of you.  The party does exist to elect Republicans, raise money, provide volunteers & resources, etc.  But the party must first be guided by our Constitution and the party platform, otherwise our existence is unjustified.  Too many Republican officials have supported incumbents who have shown themselves to be unworthy of the Republican name.  This has led to disastrous election results in 2006 and 2008.  I cite Senator Specter and “Jumpin” Jim Jeffords as only two examples of many. 

Republican activists and party leaders must oppose legislation which is unconstitutional, and support legislation which is critical to the very survival of our party and country.  Certainly, the Democrats will not.  They are advocating for the same legislation as these wayward Republicans.  Only party activists prevented passage of the amnesty bill.  Only party activists gave us Prop 200 over the objections of our entire congressional delegation.  Only party activists gave us employer sanctions over the objections from members of our state and federal delegation.   Only party activists stopped the attempt to close the gun shows, and fought against the loss of Constitutionally guaranteed free speech which occurred because of the Campaign Finance Reform bill.  This egregious bill was introduced by a Republican Senator, passed by a Republican congress and signed by a Republican president.  There are many more examples of party officials and activists finding it necessary to speak out against Republicans who stray from Constitutional and platform principles.  Here is a famous party official you will recognize. Tom DeLay: “John McCain has done the most to hurt the GOP”

I would not meet my responsibility as a party leader if I were to ignore the Constitution and platform for the benefit of someone with an “R” after their name who fails to advance a Republican agenda.  I will continue to give voice to Republican activists who feel their elected officials have let them down and no longer represent them.  

I will not offer an apology where none is warranted, and certainly I will not resign as you request.  Instead, I would urge you and others who did not support Sen. Pearce’s bill to realize that the illegal alien invasion has a massive detrimental effect on a myriad of issues.  To grant wholesale citizenship to those who would swell the ranks of the Democrat party is political suicide.  I urge you to make anti-sanctuary legislation a top priority next session. 

Maricopa County Sheriff Arpaio, County Attorney Thomas and all the law enforcement agencies which are on record as supporting Sen. Pearce’s bill deserve nothing less than our commitment to achieve these objectives.

You state that you believe the “County Party has some rules regarding endorsements that require 60% approval of the EGC.” You also believe that as a result of these rules, I should obtain 60% approval before I publicly take sides in a policy dispute.

The bylaw to which you refer requires a 60% approval by the EGC members in order for the EGC to endorse a candidate in a primary election.  There is no bylaw which restricts the Chairman’s freedom of political speech.  In any case, I was representing my own beliefs and not those of the EGC. 

A third point you make is that as county party leader I have voluntarily placed restrictions on my free speech.  Again, I must disagree.  It is wholly inconsistent to believe that I have less freedom to speak after my election than I had before my election.  I am confident that our Founders drafted their First Amendment, contemplating that this freedom of speech protection would apply to all citizens, including Republican Party Officials. 

My hope is that in the coming session, Republican State legislators will back strong anti-illegal immigration legislation so that party officials will not feel compelled to speak out in opposition.  I believe that you can play a positive role in advancing that legislation as we move forward– focused on passing laws in support of the Constitution and the Republican Platform.

Respectfully,

Rob Haney, Phoenix, Chairman, Maricopa County Republican Party

Who Leads the Largest Socialist Group in Congress? Southern Arizona’s Grijalva

No less than four radical Socialist organizations have taken over the United States House of Representatives. Sitting at the head of the largest of them is none other than Raul Grijalva, the Socialist representative from Arizona Congressional District 7 (Southern Arizona).

Grijalva and California Cong. Lynn Woolsey co-chair the Congressional Progressive Caucus (CPC). This radical group holds 74 seats in the U.S. House, almost a third of the Democratic membership. Until 1999, their website was hosted by Democratic Socialists of America, a group founded by Karl Marx himself, among others.

Next in line among Socialist power groups is the Congressional Black Caucus (43 members), followed by the Progressive Democrats of America (six members), and the Democratic Socialists of America.

The latter group believes “We cannot allow all radicalism to be dismissed as ‘Communist.’” And: “In the short term we can’t eliminate private corporations, but we can bring them under greater democratic control.” It’s their version of “democratic control” that we should be concerned about.

Grijalva’s group lists all members on its website, but some of the others do not. That could be due to embarrassment or the lack of an impressive membership.

Ed Pastor and Gabrielle Giffords, congressmen from Arizona districts 3 and 8 respectively, also belong to Grijalva’s radical group. Ann Kirkpatrick, AZ District 1, does not.

The CPC considers commonsense conservatives to be “extremists.” Probably because they’re diametrically opposed to conservatism and America’s founding roots.

Here’s a short list of their red flags, some of their more ardent positions :

  • To eliminate environmental threat posed by global warming and ensuring that America does our part to advance an effective global problem-solving approach.
  • To expand energy-efficient transportation choices by increasing investment in synthesized networks, including bicycle, local bus and rail transit, regional high-speed rail and magnetic levitation rail projects.
  • To preserve prudent public interest regulations that encourage sustainable growth and investment, ensure energy diversity and system reliability, protect workers and the environment, reward consumer conservation, and support an expanding marketplace that rewards the commercialization of energy-efficient technologies.
  • Support the DREAM Act or legislation that would restores states’ rights to offer in-state tuition to non-citizen students residing in their state and that would provide a path to citizenship for hardworking non-citizen youth who want to contribute fully to our society.
  • Support immigration equality for permanent partners (UAFA/PPIA) or legislation that would remove the HIV bar.
  • Eliminate retroactivity of deportation laws.
  • Eliminate mandatory and indefinite detention of non-citizens.
  • Eliminate the harsh bars to admission, particularly the 3 and 10-year bars for those who have been in the U.S. unlawfully.
  • Minimize the militarization of our border communities and respects local residents that live along the border.
  • Oppose the use of state and local police for immigration law enforcement.
  • Oppose ICE raids that unfairly target particular ethnic groups, violate basic due process principles, and negatively impact U.S. citizen children.

Grijalva runs far, far to the left of mainstream America, and the site “On the Issues.org” rates him as such. He strongly opposes unlimited Second Amendment rights, school vouchers for under-privileged children, and law enforcement against drug use. He supports the barbaric practice of partial-birth abortion (infanticide), a fast track to citizenship for illegal aliens, and domestic partner benefits for same-sex partners. Grijalva has received 100-percent ratings from two of the most extremely radical pressure groups in America – the National Abortion Rights Action League and the Human Rights Campaign (homosexual agenda).

District 7 ranks next to last among Arizona’s eight congressional districts in the rate of poverty rate, high school graduations and non-English speaking population.