By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
Rising public expressions of dissatisfaction with the President’s proposed healthcare reforms have sparked a harsh push-back from the Administration and its allies.
President Obama himself characterized those questioning his plan as “enemies of progressive policies” and, in effect told them to sit down and shut up. “A year ago such debate was warranted,” Obama said. “We were in the midst of electing a leader for this country. That election is over. I won. It’s time for everyone to pull together under my direction to solve this problem.”
“I am the President,” he continued. “The American people need to listen to me and help me accomplish my objectives. The harassment of members of congress who are endeavoring to enact the legislation necessary to implement my plan must cease. I have authorized measures designed to ensure that this happens.”
The “harassment” to which the president apparently was referring comes from the throngs of angry constituents packing “town hall” meetings called by members of congress to hear comments from voters. The “measures” appear to be the posting of Service Employees International Union guards to “weed out potential trouble makers and ensure proper decorum and respect for government representatives is maintained at all times.”
Senator Blanche Lincoln (D-Ark.) echoed the President’s concern calling the opposition “un-American.” “Disrespecting our President is like children disrespecting their parents,” Lincoln contended. “We should accept that the President, like our parents, is wiser than us and is only trying to do what’s best for all of us.”
Senator Barbara Boxer (D-Calif.) labeled the protests “bogus.” “These people are too neatly dressed, bathed and shaved to be my real constituents,” she claimed. “On top of this, they use correct English. They can’t be my voters. Why should I take the time to listen to them?”
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) went even further, castigating those protesting Obamacare as “Nazi-like.” “Some of them were carrying flags and singing songs about Hitler,” Pelosi charged. However, a review of Pelosi’s calendar revealed that she had attended a showing of the musical, “The Producers,” in which a parody of the Nazis plays a major role in the plot.
House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer (D-Md.) announced that the public meetings in his district will, henceforth, be closed to the public. Only those explicitly invited by the congressman will be permitted to attend. “Why should I cater to those who would preach obstruction and disobedience?” Hoyer asked. “It’s time that the loyal citizens get a chance to be heard.” Hoyer suggested that his invitation-only format could “serve as a model for my colleagues and the media on how to conduct publicity for the program.”
Senator Claire McCaskill (D-Missouri) canceled her scheduled “town hall” to “prevent it from becoming a platform for opponents of the President’s program.” “The purpose of these meetings is to allow us to explain what’s going on in Washington,” she said. “We cannot let them be hijacked by people trying to influence policy for their own selfish reasons.”
In support of McCaskill’s position, St. Louis City Circuit Attorney Jennifer Joyce and St. Louis County Circuit Attorney Bob McCulloch have promised to prosecute the President’s critics. “Since the President is a member of a protected minority, any derogatory statement about his motives or intelligence qualifies as a ‘hate crime’ and will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law,” Joyce declared.
President Asserts that American People Are to Blame for Healthcare Crisis
President Barack Obama said that a key source of his frustration with public criticism of his health care plan is that “the people who created this mess aren’t qualified to critique my solution.”
“Look, the average American is an over-weight slob,” Obama asserted. “He eats too much of the wrong foods. He doesn’t get enough exercise. He engages in dangerous activities like smoking and driving. This is driving health care costs through the roof. Opposing my reforms would let these same behaviors continue unchecked.”
The President argued that the evidence supports a “transfer of control over health issues from those who have abused freedom of choice to those who will base decisions on sound science and a devotion to the collective well-being of the whole population. Resistance to this reform is a manifestation of ignorance and the selfish indulgence of personal vices.”
Press Secretary Denies President Is Compiling “Enemies List”
The Obama Administration’s call for its supporters to take down names and addresses of those speaking out against the President’s health care legislation has sparked fears that he is compiling an “enemies list” for future retaliation.
“Not so,” says Robert Gibbs, the President’s Press Secretary. “An ‘enemies list’ implies that we would seek to harm those whose names fall into our hands. Nothing could be further from the truth.”
Gibbs insisted that the list would only be used for constructive purposes. “There’s a lot of misinformation about the President’s program floating around out there,” he contended. “Getting the correct information out is a difficult task. Having a list of those who are already victims of this misinformation will enable us to better target our remedial efforts.”
A remedial effort under consideration is how best to “reeducate” the misinformed. “For example, these people could be scheduled to listen to an exposition of the truth from well-informed government officials,” Gibbs offered. “An all stations simulcast TV briefing by the President and selected experts would be an obvious first option. More intensive formats for conveying the correct view of the plan could be conducted for the ‘hard-to-persuade’ later, if needed.”
Family Surveillance Being Pilot Tested
The United Kingdom government has set aside £400million to pilot test a family surveillance program that advocates are calling a “path-breaking step toward stamping out social pathologies.”
Under the program, 20,000 “problem families” will be subject to 24-hour closed circuit TV observation in their homes for the next two-years. The program, labeled “sin bins” by the media, is intended to discourage bad behavior.
“People are more likely to conform to socially beneficial behaviors when they know they’re being watched,” said the Government’s Children’s Secretary Ed Balls.
For now, the focus is mainly on the behavior of the children. “We’re going to make sure they do their home work and eat right,” Balls said. “Parents will be directed to discipline their children to make sure these objectives are met.”
Balls called the program a prototype for the “caring community” of the future. “In the old days, social pressure helped keep everyone in the village in line,” Balls observed. “Our modern urban environment has dissipated this by providing an anti-social anonymity for everyone. If we can move to universal monitoring we’ll recapture the social pressure advantages we’ve lost through modernization. I’m excited.”
Treasury Secretary Goes on Tirade
Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner chewed out fellow top federal regulatory authorities Federal Reserve chairman Ben S. Bernanke, Securities and Exchange Commission chairwoman Mary Schapiro and Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation Chairwoman Sheila Bair last week. The tirade laced with profanities erupted over Geithner’s demand that President Obama’s picture and/or signature appear on newly issued currency.
“The President is torqued because my signature is on the money,” Geithner screamed. “He says I’m advertising myself when I should be advertising him. After all, he’s the f***ing President. He’s the one that will have to stand for reelection, not me. I shouldn’t have to be in the position of looking more important than him.”
By law, no living person’s picture may appear on US currency. This law was passed two centuries ago to differentiate the United States from the practice common under monarchies of having the current king’s face appear on the nation’s money.
Emanuel’s “Strong Arm” Tactics Deplored
Representative Darrell Issa (R-Calif.) sent a letter of complaint against White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel’s “mob-like” threats against Administration opponents.
“Telling governors and legislators that ‘bad things’ might happen to those who ‘don’t play ball’ with the Administration is dialog right out of a gangster movie,” Issa wrote. “It has no place in a free society.”