By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Architect of the so-called compromise health care bill, Senator Max Baucus (D-Mont) defended a controversial provision in the legislation that would send those who refuse to pay for mandated insurance to prison.

“Look, our goal is 100% compliance,” Baucus explained. “’Carrots’ aren’t enough to motivate those ideologically resistant to this goal. So, we’ve got to have the option of using the ‘stick.’”

The Senator rejected the idea that those who don’t want to buy insurance are “innocent.” “Collectively, society has determined that everyone needs to be insured,” Baucus argued. “We cannot allow individuals to selfishly opt out. Such open rebellion against the government would undermine its authority to promote the general welfare.”

Neither would Baucus accept that some might have religious reasons for wanting to opt out. “Requiring someone to buy insurance doesn’t force them to receive services,” he pointed out. “If they have religious reasons for not using the services they won’t have to unless the President declares an emergency and orders mass inoculations or other treatments.”

Baucus said he didn’t expect refusal to pay to be widespread. “The prospect of having to bunk with the lowlifes occupying our jails should minimize disobedience,” he asserted.

Under Baucus’ bill, the minimum payment for insurance is set at $1900. Those who neglect to comply may be sentenced to fines up to $25,000 and/or prison terms of up to one year.

In related news, Jonathan Blum, acting director at the federal government’s Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services issued a “gag order” barring “any and all health-related businesses or associations from commenting on the Senator’s bill.” “This is a critical junction in the debate,” Blum said. “Voters don’t need to be confused by those contradicting the President, especially firms whose expertise in the field could lend credibility to his critics. It’s time for all good corporate ‘citizens’ to pull together behind him and get the job done.”

Questions Arise over Terrorist Access to Credit

It turns out that Najibullah Zazi, the person arrested in connection in with a suspected New York City subway bomb plot, was able to obtain over $50,000 in loans from the Bank of America, Chase, Capital One, Discover and Citibank despite having no assets to pledge nor a steady work history.

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner acknowledged that “some banks may have been a little lax in vetting borrowers, but let me remind you, we’re in a recession and it is the Administration’s policy to encourage banks to push the money the government lent them out the door as fast as possible.”

Geithner called critics “hasty and judgmental.” “Withholding credit from Mr. Zazi would’ve constituted illegal ‘ethnic profiling’ of the worst sort,” Geithner contended. “Besides, it’s a knee-jerk reaction to assume that even if Mr. Zazi had succeeded in blowing up the New York subway it would’ve been all bad. Having to rebuild would’ve created thousands of jobs. And that’s exactly what we need to get the economy moving again.”

Green Car Gets Government Subsidy

Fisker Automotive will receive a $529 million subsidy from the US government to build hybrid cars for the US market. This follows a previous subsidy award of $465 million to Tesla Motors to build electric cars. Both awards were made on the recommendation of international climate genius, former vice-president Al Gore.

The models may seem a bit pricey for the average motorist with the Fisker vehicle going for an estimated $89,000 each and the Tesla for $109,000.

Gore touted the subsidy as a “first step toward a completely green automotive future. While these vehicles may look expensive, they are really a moderately priced contribution to saving the planet. Those who insist on owning their own transportation should be willing to pay this price. Those unable or unwilling to pay the price for their own vehicle should contribute by using public transit. No one has the right to pollute the planet just for the sake of their own freedom to drive wherever they want at a price they can afford.”

The former vice-president suggested that “buyer reluctance might be overcome by targeted efforts like the recent ‘cash for clunkers’ program or by federal regulations forcing all manufacturers to match the performance standards of these ‘green cars’ and the phasing out noncompliant models.”

In related news, in his speech to the “We Media Conference” Gore declared that “American democracy is in grave danger from unconstrained criticism of the government by ‘right-wing fanatics.’ They are abusing the very Internet I invented with their screeds against the President and his efforts to engineer an orderly transition to a new society of communal caring.”

UN Flu Warning

Health ministers around the globe were sent a warning that “unless we receive £900 million by next Friday millions will die.” The message from a group calling itself the WHO, was composed of letters cut out of a newspaper (likely the New York Times, experts say), and specified that the money “must be in small, unmarked, non-consecutively numbered bills.”

The message directed the ministers to await further instructions regarding the “drop location” and warned that “any attempt to contact the police will have dire consequences.”

The surprisingly sparse media coverage of the incident was explained by former US UN Ambassador John Bolton’s observation that “this is pretty normal for the UN. Hysteria, threats and extortion are not abnormal procedures when this gang has its eye on someone else’s money.”

President Urges Governor to Drop Reelection Bid

President Barack Obama has requested that Governor David Paterson (D-NY) discontinue his bid to be reelected. The President’s request comes amidst polls showing that Paterson is likely to fare poorly.

“In these troubled times extraordinary leadership is required at all levels of government,” Obama declared. “From what has transpired since his elevation to the governorship, it seems clear that Paterson lacks the vision needed to provide that leadership. It would be best for all concerned if he were to step aside.”

The President expressed his hope that Paterson would “leave gracefully and voluntarily,” but said he wouldn’t hesitate to take sterner measures if necessary in order “to resolve the succession issue.” “If need be, I will appoint the next governor if that is what it takes ensure appropriate leadership for the state,” he promised.

Insiders say that Representative Gregory W. Meeks (D-NY) may be the “appropriate leader” in Obama’s eyes.

Presidential Advisor Recommends US Attack on Israel

Zbigniew Brzezinski, foreign policy adviser to former President Jimmy Carter and current President Barack Obama, is urging a radical change in US Mid-East policy.

“Our long term alliance with Israel has brought us nothing but headaches,” Brzezinski opined. “Jews have been a sore spot in the region since the days of the Roman Empire. Eliminating their presence there would solve a lot of problems.”

Brzezinski conceded that his proposed change would not be easy, but suggested that a possible Israeli air strike against Iran’s nuclear capabilities might offer an opening. “Say we have US forces shoot down the aircraft involved in Israel’s planned operation,” he conjectured. “We’d be coming to the aid of a Muslim victim of Jewish aggression. The payoff in our relations with most of the nations of the world could be huge.”

Not to be totally heartless, Brzezinski added that “the tiny minority of the world’s Jews currently living in Israel could be easily accommodated in the United States. A not to be overlooked byproduct, of course, would be a significant increase in Democratic voters in the states that receive the Jewish refugees. It’d be a ‘twofer’—there’d be both less conflict in the Middle East and a stronger constituency for social legislation here at home.”

ACORN Files Lawsuit

Stung by the prospect of withdrawal of federal aid following the airing of video evidence of its corruption, the Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now (ACORN) has filed a suit against filmmakers James O’Keefe and Hannah Giles.

ACORN attorney Jack Cozener argued that “real damage has been done here. The ACORN organization is losing millions in government money. Justice requires compensation for this wrong.”

Cozener said he will be demanding that “100% of the profits that O’Keefe and Giles reap from this effort—from the films, any books or other media—be turned over to my clients. After all, it is ACORN’s staff members that provide the stars for their video. O’Keefe and Giles couldn’t have done it with them.”

 

John Semmens’ Archives

Additional Reading For Your Interest:

Obama       

Tea Parties | Videos

Rush Limbaugh

The Democratic Socialists            

GOP    

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

The Obama Administration took another blow to its credibility when it was revealed that the Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now (ACORN) was caught on film advising clients on how to engage in illegal activities. In an undercover operation, conservative activists James O’Keefe and Hannah Giles, posed as a pimp and prostitute seeking ACORN’s assistance in setting up a brothel.

O’Keefe says much to his surprise, he wasn’t thrown out of ACOTN offices in Baltimore, New York, San Diego and Washington DC. “Here I was, clownishly dressed like a cartoon version of a pimp, asking for their help with my prostitution ‘business,’” O’Keefe recounted. “Not only did they tell me how to avoid scrutiny by classifying my prostitutes as ‘performance artists,’ they also suggested I could claim my underage, illegal alien sex-workers as dependents and lessen my tax liability.”

In an unsigned press release, officials of ACORN claimed that O’Keefe’s film “misrepresents our organization. He’s not so quick to admit that he tried this stunt in four of our other offices without success. So, it’s unfair to characterize us as a corrupt organization when only half the apples in the sample barrel are bad.”

Bertha Lewis, Chief Executive Officer for ACORN labeled the public’s revulsion “overreaction of the worst sort. In many of our poorer communities, prostitution is the best option for earning a living. Advising a would-be entrepreneur on how to secure a place of business, recruit employees and minimize taxes is all part of making the American dream work for even the least well-off among us—especially undocumented immigrants from impoverished Latin American countries like El Salvador.”

State’s Attorney for Baltimore, Patricia Jessamy, called O’keefe’s film “a shocking invasion of privacy. Here we have an organization entrusted by the federal government to help stimulate the economy being invaded by persons determined to expose what might be regarded as proprietary practices without the proper prior disclosures.”

Jessamy further promised that “Mr. O’Keefe’s nightmare is just beginning. On top of the invasion of privacy charge, I can see a possible trademark infringement and interference with an agency authorized to carry out official government policy. Even if he doesn’t end up in jail we can still bankrupt him with legal expenses.”

ACORN Spokesman Scott Levenson called O’Keefe’s film “manufactured news. If this were a real story we’d have seen a major news source like ABC or the New York Times take the lead. The fact that no such reputable news agency undertook the investigation speaks for itself—there’s nothing newsworthy to see here.”

In confirmation of Levenson’s view, ABC News’ Charles Gibson professed himself “totally ignorant” of the “so-called scandal.” “I don’t really follow the news that much,” Gibson elaborated. “I just read what our staff writers hand me. I don’t even try to make sense of what I read on TV much less try to get a handle on something that’s going on outside my world.”

Given his long and intimate ties to the organization, President Obama was reported to have been stunned by the revelations. “This is not the ACORN that I knew,” the President confided to aides.

Cash-strapped, ACORN has requested an added $6 million in federal aid “to avoid having to interrupt service.”

Over 200 California Schools Add Homosexual Studies to Curriculum

Many parents of school aged children were shocked to discover that hundreds of California schools have signed-on for a controversial new line of studies. The study’s course materials are being distributed by Youth in Motion, a partnership between the Gay-Straight Alliance Network and the LGBT media group Frameline.

“I’m not saying that the topic can’t be covered in an appropriate context,” said angry parent Chuck Upton. “But some of this sounds like propaganda or pornography.”

Some of the titles of films and lesson plans—“The Pleasures of Anal Penetration,” “Any Port in a Storm of Sexual Experimentation,” “Coming out of/or in the Closet: Having Fun with Where You Do It”—would appear to lend credence to parental anxiety over the new course of study.

“Our goal is to give student activists and teachers new tools to educate their peers about the fun side of being lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgendered,” explained Youth in Motion Pubic Relations Director, Perry Morton. “We believe that an inclusive curriculum like ours would’ve prevented the Prop 8 tragedy.”

Prop 8 was the ballot measure in which California voters disapproved legalizing gay marriage.

Administration Denies It Is Compiling “Enemies List”

The Obama Administration rejected concerns that it is collecting information from the Internet for the purpose of compiling an “enemies list.”

“Granted, we are gathering information—names, addresses, and the like—from those who have posted comments critical of the Administration’s policies,” admitted White House spokesman Nicholas Shapiro. “But our purpose is to better target future educational efforts.”

Shapiro contended that “so much of the opposition to the President and his program is based on ignorance and erroneous information that it should be obvious to any sound thinking person that many in our country need a significant amount of reeducation. Rather than just randomly splash this effort around, keeping a list of those most in need will be conducive to ensuring that the right people get the right message.”

California Looking to Ban Big Screen TVs

Citing environmental and energy-conservation rationales, the California Energy Commission has served notice that it will ban big screen televisions beginning in the year 2011.

“These large screen TVs consume an inordinate amount of energy,” said Commission Chairwoman Karen Douglas. “No one needs their own personal big screen. Generations of Americans got along fine with smaller TVs. In fact, while many alive today may find it hard to believe, there were no TVs in American homes 70 years ago. So, I think our action is far less draconian than it might have been.”

Douglas pointed out that “those who still need their big screen ‘fix’ can go to the movie theaters like their parents did. This will help restore the sense of community that the dispersed consumption of entertainment in private homes has been destroying.”

McCain Rates the Presidents

In a recent radio interview, Senator John McCain (R-Ariz.) was asked to respond to former President Jimmy Carter’s accusation that a lot of the opposition to the President Obama’s health care bill was rooted in racism.

The Senator rejected the racism allegation and characterized Carter as “the worst president of the 20^th Century.” Of course, in order to present a balanced perspective, as is his wont, McCain added that in his opinion, “President Barack Obama is, so far, the second best president of the 21^st century.”

Obama Czar Urges Redistribution of America’s Wealth

Cass Sunstein, President Barack Obama’s regulatory “czar,” contends that “most Americans are too wealthy for their own good. They are hogging more than a fair share of the world’s resources and becoming fat and lazy in the process.”

Sunstein suggested that “penalties for this country’s contribution to global warming would be an effective and efficient mechanism for achieving the transfer. Who can argue against saving the planet? And if it means American families couldn’t afford that second car or have to eat less meat, they’ll learn to walk more and eat their vegetables—boosting their own health along the way.”

The President’s czar, whose own wealth is far above the global per capita average, declined to lead by example, arguing that “those of us in the vanguard of change need to be amply rewarded for our contributions toward a better world.”

President Rejects Afghanistan/Vietnam Analogy

Amid mounting evidence that US troops are getting bogged down fighting al-Qaeda in Afghanistan, many are starting to make comparisons with America’s long and losing war in Vietnam. President Barack Obama rejected the comparison as inapt.

“You have to learn lessons from history,” Obama observed. “Vietnam was all junglish and damp. Afghanistan is barren and dry. Very different. In Vietnam, we misguidedly sided against the agrarian reformers. But Afghanistan is the war I promised we’d win in my campaign. Another important difference. Finally, you can never step in the same river twice. In fact, I don’t know if Afghanistan even has any rivers. So, I’d have to say, weighing these relevant factors, the two wars are nothing alike.”

John Semmens’ Archives

Additional Reading For Your Interest:

Obama       

Tea Parties | Videos

Rush Limbaugh

The Democratic Socialists            

GOP    

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

President Barack Obama took to the airwaves to dispel what he called “a barrage of lies and fear thrown up by the forces of evil incarnate.” The President went on to insist that “contrary to what my enemies are saying, not a single person will be made worse off by the reforms I have proposed.”

“The sick will get the care they need,” Obama promised. “My bill calls for panels of experts to determine the best practices for every illness. No longer will patients be at the mercy of a single doctor. A communal scope for decision making will ensure that maximal aggregate health outcomes are achieved.”

“The healthy will be able to rest assured that the ill will no longer be allowed to refuse treatment that experts decide is necessary to protect the community’s over all health,” the President continued. “Carriers of contagion will be dealt with before they can spread germs to others.”

“Costs will be contained by vigorous use of preventive measures,” Obama reassured. “Behaviors that undermine good health will be discouraged or banned. Exercise and good diet will be encouraged or mandated. If you’re obese or lazy and lack the will power to change, we will apply the will power externally. Dangerous pastimes will be regulated or outlawed. If we control behavior we can control costs.”

The President said “the lifestyle of a person in training for the Olympics will be our ‘gold standard’ for reforming the health of the nation. When all who can adopt it do, the few who cannot because of illness or disability will be a small enough contingent left for the government to deal with.”

The President expressed his optimism that “most of these objectives can be accomplished on an ‘outpatient’ basis, but provisions for dealing with ‘hard cases’ with a ‘residency-based’ approach will be included. No one will be permitted to selfishly ‘opt out.’ Everyone must cooperate for the good of the whole.”

President’s Lie Corrected, Accuser to Be Sanctioned

During President Barack Obama’s address on his health care bill, Representative Joe Wilson (R-SC) shouted “you lie” following the President’s assertion that his bill does not allow illegal aliens to participate in receiving benefits. The Democratic Party leadership is now planning to censure Wilson.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) called Wilson’s remark “shockingly disrespectful and unacceptable.” “While it is true that the President called his opponents liars, this does not grant others the right to respond in kind. The President represents the entire nation. He speaks for every American. Mr. Wilson’s small, red-neck constituency doesn’t give him the right to challenge the President.”

Pelosi dismissed comparisons with similar outbursts by Democrats—including then Senator Obama (D-Ill)—during one of President Bush’s addresses to congress as irrelevant. “Wilson is a minority of one,” Pelosi pointed out. “Dozens shouted over Bush’s words. Besides, the phrase ‘Bush lied, people died’ is so widely accepted that a spontaneous rejection of that man’s lies was to be expected.”

As for the planned sanction of Representative Wilson, Pelosi has already rejected as “inadequate” Wilson’s apology. “Mere rudeness is not our concern,” Pelosi said. “There’s plenty of that going around on a regular basis in congress. Neither is the accuracy of Wilson’s charge a defense as far as we are concerned. Unless Wilson publicly admits he was in error he will be officially rebuked by the majority.”

Representative John Murtha (D-Penn) was adamant in insisting that Wilson meet Pelosi’s demand. “Calling the President a liar impugns the integrity of a great man,” Murtha contended. “It slanders his reputation and drags his name through the mud. No one should be allowed to get away with such an irresponsible charge. Without a clear acknowledgment that he was wrong in every way about this, Wilson deserves our utmost contempt.”

As it turns out, Wilson was correct that Obama’s bill would have allowed illegal aliens to participate. It was subsequent to his outburst that the US Senate inserted language into the bill that would block such participation.

In related news, the Speaker brushed aside suggestions that Representative Charles Rangel (D-NY) should face any sort of sanction for repeatedly falsifying his financial disclosure documents. Pelosi characterized Rangel’s transgressions as “minor clerical errors fomented by complex tax and regulatory laws. We’ve all done it at one time or another. His service to the nation is too valuable to be undermined by mere technicalities.”

Poll Shows Voters Don’t Want Schilling to Run for Massachusetts Senator

A poll of Massachusetts voters showed a hefty majority (56%) opposed to a bid by former Red Sox pitcher and World Series hero Curt Schilling for the US Senate seat vacated by the death of Ted Kennedy. Only 21% said they favored a run by Schilling.

“He’s not a Kennedy,” said one poll respondent. “Nor is he a Democrat. He doesn’t even have a DUI or sex scandal to his name. He just doesn’t seem to have the kind of life experience we look for in a senator for our state. Maybe if it could be shown that he used steroids or other performance enhancing drugs as a ballplayer I’d give him a second look. But he still wouldn’t be a Kennedy or a Democrat. So, I’d have to say I don’t think he can win here. It would be stupid of him to waste his time trying.”

In related news, President Barack Obama has issued an Executive Order mandating a change in Massachusetts law that would authorize Governor Deval Patrick to appoint a person to fill the vacant senate seat. “Waiting until January to elect a replacement for Kennedy is unacceptable,” the Order stated. “Critical issues in congress will be taken up between now and then. We need a reliable Democratic vote and we need it now. So, under the powers vested in me as supreme commander of the United States, I am hereby instructing the Massachusetts Legislature to enact the appropriate statute to enable the Governor to appoint an immediate replacement.”

Governor Defers Budget Resolution until After Election

Illinois Governor Pat Quinn (D) has postponed balancing his state’s budget until after the February 2010 primary election. The Governor’s action contradicts the state’s constitution and threatens the availability of funding for the state’s vast network of social subsidies to targeted beneficiaries.

Quinn called the breach of the state’s constitution “tolerable.” “Obviously, we’ll need a tax increase to cover the hole in the state budget,” Quinn alleged. “But I don’t need to be hammered by my political enemies for advocating that before the election. There’ll be time enough to take that stand after I’m reelected.”

The Governor also discounted the possible consequences of disrupting the payments made to the state’s large welfare population. “These people know who fills the teat they’re sucking. They aren’t going to vote Republican no matter what I do. It’s the taxpayers I’ve got to wary of.”

President Gets Boost from CPUSA

Battered from an August filled with taxpayer protests of his health care bill and a rising wave of skepticism about his agenda, President Barack Obama received a flood of praise from the Communist Party of the United States (CPUSA).

In an article titled “The Impossible is Now Possible: Assessing the Obama Presidency,” executive vice chair of the Party, Jarvis Tyner hailed the President’s “drive to the left.” “The health care bill, the stimulus package, the cap-and-trade bill, the elimination of secret elections for union representation—it’s a program we dared not dream possible only a year ago,” Tyner wrote. “But now it’s on the verge of becoming the new blueprint for a truly socialist America.”

Echoing most media assessments, Tyner described Obama’s political opponents as “racist jackals” and “greedy capitalist pigs.”

Tyner urged all good communists to “support President Obama in his battle against right wing reactionaries. The President is our friend. We can trust him to take us where we all want the country to go.”

Obama Advisor Baffled by Weak Economy

National Economic Council Director Larry Summers, considered by many to be President Obama’s top economic advisor, said he is “profoundly puzzled by the persistence of the negative trends in output and employment.”

“We’ve bailed out the mismanaged companies. We’ve spent money we don’t have. We’ve put business on notice that the government is watching their every move and will step in to counter any missteps. We’ve extended unemployment benefits. We’ve done just about everything called for by the Keynesian Model. Yet, the economy is getting worse. Why won’t businesses invest? Why aren’t consumers buying?” Summers asked.

Summers said the Administration is considering some “targeted tax increases to get resources out of the hands of those who aren’t using them wisely. Once the government has more revenue we will be able to more effectively boost economic performance across the board.”

 

John Semmens’ Archives

Additional Reading For Your Interest:

Obama       

Tea Parties | Videos

Rush Limbaugh

The Democratic Socialists            

GOP    

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Amidst widespread concern among parents that the President’s address to school children this coming week is an attempt at indoctrination, the President’s Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, derided them as “silly.”

“The President is all about the future,” Gibbs said. “It’s imperative that he reach young minds before they are calcified by the ideas of their parents. The speech and accompanying lesson plan are aimed at avoiding this calcification and energizing the momentum for change in the upcoming generation.”

Critics contend that their concern isn’t over the speech itself. President Bush addressed school children in 1991. It’s the “accompanying lesson plan” that has raised eyebrows. One of the exercises in the lesson plan asks students to make a list of things they can do to “serve President Obama.”

Gibbs defended the personalization in the lesson plan. “Kids can’t be expected to grasp an abstract concept like ‘serving the nation,’” Gibbs argued. “Asking them to serve the President puts the ideas into a framework they can understand. It’s like a parent asking a child to help with household chores. The child trusts the parent to have his best interests at heart and has faith that the parent will look out for him. Conveying the message that the President is the ‘father of the American family’ is an analogy that will help facilitate the needed compliance on the part of the students.”

The Press Secretary countered the observation that this sort of “personality cult” resembles that used by tyrants. “Why should we leave this powerful tool to the sole use of the world’s bad guys?” Gibbs asked. “Doesn’t it make sense to build a strong sense of loyalty toward the leader of the free world in our own children?”

In related news, ABC News journalist and former Democratic Party apparatchik, George Stephanopoulos urged President Obama “to use this address to intimidate his opponents. The President’s enemies must be made to understand that opposition will have consequences they won’t like.”

Obama “Czar” Advocates “Social Decision Framework” for Organ Donation

President Barack Obama’s nominee to head the Office of Information and Regulatory Affairs (OIRA), Cass Sunstein, says that organs for transplant shortages could be averted by reforming the protocol that determines when organs may be harvested from donors.

Currently, persons wishing to donate organs must sign permission documents in advance. Many do not. The number of organs available for transplant would be larger if explicit permission were not required. “Just because a person is born with an organ doesn’t mean he is entitled to keep it if a greater need could be served by a different disposition of this asset,” Sunstein contended.

“Since scientific advances have enabled organs to be repositioned we should be more open minded about how we view ownership,” Sunstein urged. “I mean, humanity used to blindly accept that titles of nobility and all its privileges were owned by accident of birth. We’ve outgrown that quaint way of thinking. Maybe it’s time to ‘think-outside-the-box’ about organ ownership.”

Sunstein suggested that a “social decision framework” replace the “selfish hereditary” model. “All of society’s assets should be allocated where they are most needed for the good of the whole,” Sunstein maintained. “Reallocation of the organs of the deceased is a ‘no brainer.’ I can see no valid rationale for any impediment. Reallocation of the organs of the living, however, raises trickier issues.”

“People can live with only one kidney or one lung,” Sunstein observed. “Can we really justify anyone withholding a surplus kidney or lung when it is a matter of life and death to another?”

“Then there is the case of dire need by persons of great value to the community,” he added. “Should the life of a genius or crucial community leader be allowed to expire when replacement organs are available? Should a lesser person’s current possession of a needed organ be allowed to stand in the way? If we can ask that soldiers or police give their lives for the greater good, why can’t we ask every citizen to be ready to give theirs if they are a match and the need is urgent?”

China to Foreclose on White House

As owners of a major portion of the United States’ national debt, the government of China has exercised its option to foreclose on the White House. The foreclosure is scheduled for September 20^th. This shocking turn of events follows from the extraordinary explosion of debt since the start of this year.

“Look, title to the White House, per se, is largely symbolic,” said US Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner. “We have received no indication that the President and his family will necessarily be evicted. But even if they are there are still many who will take them in. After all, the President can do a lot of favors for those who help him out.”

Geithner insisted that “there is a silver lining to this. China’s purchase of US Treasury bonds has enabled us to fund the stimulus package. Without this the President’s reelection would be far less certain.”

With the projected federal deficit expected to grow by $9 billion over the next decade, Geithner said “deeds to other landmarks may be thrown into the mix in order to keep Chinese cash flowing to us.”

Kennedy Memoir Apologizes for Chappaquiddick Incident

It is being reported that the late Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Mass) apologized for his role in the Chappaquiddick “incident” in his memoir. In the book, Kennedy acknowledged that “in some small way not entirely clear to me even 40 years later, I may have contributed to the death of Mary Jo Kopechne.”

The memoir defended the late Senator’s “deferral of admission of responsibility” as “a necessary sacrifice for the national interest. My political enemies would have gladly used it to divert me from my mission to succor the indigent, the improvident, and the irresponsible during my long career of public service.”

Kennedy contrasted the “inestimable harm that would have transpired if I had not been able to continue my work with the relatively minor loss of one young woman of questionable character. Mary Jo was a person willing to have a one-night stand with a married man. She took advantage of my inebriated condition to seduce me. I could’ve been killed, but with God’s help, I was able to swim free.”

CBS News’ Bob Schieffer concurred with the late Senator’s take, calling him “a classic American hero.” “No ordinary man would have been able to so quickly assess the situation and recognize the comparable values of the two lives involved,” Schieffer said. “Instead of risking drowning in a futile attempt to rescue Ms. Kopechne, Senator Kennedy put the good of the country first. For that we must be truly grateful.”

In related news, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) boasted that “we will milk Senator Kennedy’s timely demise for as many sympathy votes as we can for the KennedyCare health reform bill. Of course, it would’ve been better if he’d been shot like his brothers, but we’ll make the best we can of his death.”

Press Secretary Apologizes for “War on Terror” Slip

President Barack Obama’s press secretary, Robert Gibbs, apologized for using the phrase “war on terror” at a recent press briefing.

“I apologize for my insensitivity toward the religion of peace,” Gibbs said. “As we all know. It is the President’s position that there is no such war, there is no jihad. What I should have said is that our government will continue to strive to mitigate the effects of man-caused disasters.”

Grandson Sues to Clear Stalin’s Name

Yevgeny Dzhugashvili, grandson of the former doctor of the Soviet Union, Joseph Stalin, has filed a lawsuit demanding damages of $300,000 for what he termed “the slander of my late grandfather by Novaya Gazeta.”

The newspaper, as have most historians, attributed millions of murders to the regime headed by Stalin from the mid 1920s to his death in 1953. It is Dzhugashvili’s contention that every single one of these homicides “was in self-defense, not only of my grandfather’s own person, but of the entire nation.”

The absence of evidence for the claim of self defense “is due to my grandfather’s great sense of modesty and perspicacity,” Dzhugashvili argued. “The contention that he sent innocents to their deaths does not take into account my grandfather’s ability to spot plots for sabotage and assassination long before others could see a thing. He knew the future crimes that the enemies of socialism would commit. Saving the nation from those crimes was clearly an act of self defense.”

The $300,000 sought by Dzhugashvili in his lawsuit was characterized as “the minimum needed to compensate me for having to go by the family’s less well-known and ridiculous sounding name—“Dzhugashvili”—rather than the cooler and more macho “Stalin.”

John Semmens’ Archives

Additional Reading For Your Interest:

Obama       

Tea Parties | Videos

Rush Limbaugh

The Democratic Socialists            

GOP