Parents’ Concern over President’s Address to Schools Called ‘Silly’

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Amidst widespread concern among parents that the President’s address to school children this coming week is an attempt at indoctrination, the President’s Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, derided them as “silly.”

“The President is all about the future,” Gibbs said. “It’s imperative that he reach young minds before they are calcified by the ideas of their parents. The speech and accompanying lesson plan are aimed at avoiding this calcification and energizing the momentum for change in the upcoming generation.”

Critics contend that their concern isn’t over the speech itself. President Bush addressed school children in 1991. It’s the “accompanying lesson plan” that has raised eyebrows. One of the exercises in the lesson plan asks students to make a list of things they can do to “serve President Obama.”

Gibbs defended the personalization in the lesson plan. “Kids can’t be expected to grasp an abstract concept like ‘serving the nation,’” Gibbs argued. “Asking them to serve the President puts the ideas into a framework they can understand. It’s like a parent asking a child to help with household chores. The child trusts the parent to have his best interests at heart and has faith that the parent will look out for him. Conveying the message that the President is the ‘father of the American family’ is an analogy that will help facilitate the needed compliance on the part of the students.”

The Press Secretary countered the observation that this sort of “personality cult” resembles that used by tyrants. “Why should we leave this powerful tool to the sole use of the world’s bad guys?” Gibbs asked. “Doesn’t it make sense to build a strong sense of loyalty toward the leader of the free world in our own children?”

In related news, ABC News journalist and former Democratic Party apparatchik, George Stephanopoulos urged President Obama “to use this address to intimidate his opponents. The President’s enemies must be made to understand that opposition will have consequences they won’t like.”

Obama “Czar” Advocates “Social Decision Framework” for Organ Donation

President Barack Obama’s nominee to head the Office of Information and Regulatory Affairs (OIRA), Cass Sunstein, says that organs for transplant shortages could be averted by reforming the protocol that determines when organs may be harvested from donors.

Currently, persons wishing to donate organs must sign permission documents in advance. Many do not. The number of organs available for transplant would be larger if explicit permission were not required. “Just because a person is born with an organ doesn’t mean he is entitled to keep it if a greater need could be served by a different disposition of this asset,” Sunstein contended.

“Since scientific advances have enabled organs to be repositioned we should be more open minded about how we view ownership,” Sunstein urged. “I mean, humanity used to blindly accept that titles of nobility and all its privileges were owned by accident of birth. We’ve outgrown that quaint way of thinking. Maybe it’s time to ‘think-outside-the-box’ about organ ownership.”

Sunstein suggested that a “social decision framework” replace the “selfish hereditary” model. “All of society’s assets should be allocated where they are most needed for the good of the whole,” Sunstein maintained. “Reallocation of the organs of the deceased is a ‘no brainer.’ I can see no valid rationale for any impediment. Reallocation of the organs of the living, however, raises trickier issues.”

“People can live with only one kidney or one lung,” Sunstein observed. “Can we really justify anyone withholding a surplus kidney or lung when it is a matter of life and death to another?”

“Then there is the case of dire need by persons of great value to the community,” he added. “Should the life of a genius or crucial community leader be allowed to expire when replacement organs are available? Should a lesser person’s current possession of a needed organ be allowed to stand in the way? If we can ask that soldiers or police give their lives for the greater good, why can’t we ask every citizen to be ready to give theirs if they are a match and the need is urgent?”

China to Foreclose on White House

As owners of a major portion of the United States’ national debt, the government of China has exercised its option to foreclose on the White House. The foreclosure is scheduled for September 20th. This shocking turn of events follows from the extraordinary explosion of debt since the start of this year.

“Look, title to the White House, per se, is largely symbolic,” said US Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner. “We have received no indication that the President and his family will necessarily be evicted. But even if they are there are still many who will take them in. After all, the President can do a lot of favors for those who help him out.”

Geithner insisted that “there is a silver lining to this. China’s purchase of US Treasury bonds has enabled us to fund the stimulus package. Without this the President’s reelection would be far less certain.”

With the projected federal deficit expected to grow by $9 billion over the next decade, Geithner said “deeds to other landmarks may be thrown into the mix in order to keep Chinese cash flowing to us.”

Kennedy Memoir Apologizes for Chappaquiddick Incident

It is being reported that the late Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Mass) apologized for his role in the Chappaquiddick “incident” in his memoir. In the book, Kennedy acknowledged that “in some small way not entirely clear to me even 40 years later, I may have contributed to the death of Mary Jo Kopechne.”

The memoir defended the late Senator’s “deferral of admission of responsibility” as “a necessary sacrifice for the national interest. My political enemies would have gladly used it to divert me from my mission to succor the indigent, the improvident, and the irresponsible during my long career of public service.”

Kennedy contrasted the “inestimable harm that would have transpired if I had not been able to continue my work with the relatively minor loss of one young woman of questionable character. Mary Jo was a person willing to have a one-night stand with a married man. She took advantage of my inebriated condition to seduce me. I could’ve been killed, but with God’s help, I was able to swim free.”

CBS News’ Bob Schieffer concurred with the late Senator’s take, calling him “a classic American hero.” “No ordinary man would have been able to so quickly assess the situation and recognize the comparable values of the two lives involved,” Schieffer said. “Instead of risking drowning in a futile attempt to rescue Ms. Kopechne, Senator Kennedy put the good of the country first. For that we must be truly grateful.”

In related news, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) boasted that “we will milk Senator Kennedy’s timely demise for as many sympathy votes as we can for the KennedyCare health reform bill. Of course, it would’ve been better if he’d been shot like his brothers, but we’ll make the best we can of his death.”

Press Secretary Apologizes for “War on Terror” Slip

President Barack Obama’s press secretary, Robert Gibbs, apologized for using the phrase “war on terror” at a recent press briefing.

“I apologize for my insensitivity toward the religion of peace,” Gibbs said. “As we all know. It is the President’s position that there is no such war, there is no jihad. What I should have said is that our government will continue to strive to mitigate the effects of man-caused disasters.”

Grandson Sues to Clear Stalin’s Name

Yevgeny Dzhugashvili, grandson of the former doctor of the Soviet Union, Joseph Stalin, has filed a lawsuit demanding damages of $300,000 for what he termed “the slander of my late grandfather by Novaya Gazeta.”

The newspaper, as have most historians, attributed millions of murders to the regime headed by Stalin from the mid 1920s to his death in 1953. It is Dzhugashvili’s contention that every single one of these homicides “was in self-defense, not only of my grandfather’s own person, but of the entire nation.”

The absence of evidence for the claim of self defense “is due to my grandfather’s great sense of modesty and perspicacity,” Dzhugashvili argued. “The contention that he sent innocents to their deaths does not take into account my grandfather’s ability to spot plots for sabotage and assassination long before others could see a thing. He knew the future crimes that the enemies of socialism would commit. Saving the nation from those crimes was clearly an act of self defense.”

The $300,000 sought by Dzhugashvili in his lawsuit was characterized as “the minimum needed to compensate me for having to go by the family’s less well-known and ridiculous sounding name—“Dzhugashvili”—rather than the cooler and more macho “Stalin.”

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One thought on “Parents’ Concern over President’s Address to Schools Called ‘Silly’

  1. Wow, and here i thought that it was MY job to raise my kids. Now I will have so much more time in my day. Don’t have to go to school for lunch and plays and field trips, etc. Now I can spend more time playing online poker.

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