By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
President Barack Obama took to the airwaves to dispel what he called “a barrage of lies and fear thrown up by the forces of evil incarnate.” The President went on to insist that “contrary to what my enemies are saying, not a single person will be made worse off by the reforms I have proposed.”
“The sick will get the care they need,” Obama promised. “My bill calls for panels of experts to determine the best practices for every illness. No longer will patients be at the mercy of a single doctor. A communal scope for decision making will ensure that maximal aggregate health outcomes are achieved.”
“The healthy will be able to rest assured that the ill will no longer be allowed to refuse treatment that experts decide is necessary to protect the community’s over all health,” the President continued. “Carriers of contagion will be dealt with before they can spread germs to others.”
“Costs will be contained by vigorous use of preventive measures,” Obama reassured. “Behaviors that undermine good health will be discouraged or banned. Exercise and good diet will be encouraged or mandated. If you’re obese or lazy and lack the will power to change, we will apply the will power externally. Dangerous pastimes will be regulated or outlawed. If we control behavior we can control costs.”
The President said “the lifestyle of a person in training for the Olympics will be our ‘gold standard’ for reforming the health of the nation. When all who can adopt it do, the few who cannot because of illness or disability will be a small enough contingent left for the government to deal with.”
The President expressed his optimism that “most of these objectives can be accomplished on an ‘outpatient’ basis, but provisions for dealing with ‘hard cases’ with a ‘residency-based’ approach will be included. No one will be permitted to selfishly ‘opt out.’ Everyone must cooperate for the good of the whole.”
President’s Lie Corrected, Accuser to Be Sanctioned
During President Barack Obama’s address on his health care bill, Representative Joe Wilson (R-SC) shouted “you lie” following the President’s assertion that his bill does not allow illegal aliens to participate in receiving benefits. The Democratic Party leadership is now planning to censure Wilson.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) called Wilson’s remark “shockingly disrespectful and unacceptable.” “While it is true that the President called his opponents liars, this does not grant others the right to respond in kind. The President represents the entire nation. He speaks for every American. Mr. Wilson’s small, red-neck constituency doesn’t give him the right to challenge the President.”
Pelosi dismissed comparisons with similar outbursts by Democrats—including then Senator Obama (D-Ill)—during one of President Bush’s addresses to congress as irrelevant. “Wilson is a minority of one,” Pelosi pointed out. “Dozens shouted over Bush’s words. Besides, the phrase ‘Bush lied, people died’ is so widely accepted that a spontaneous rejection of that man’s lies was to be expected.”
As for the planned sanction of Representative Wilson, Pelosi has already rejected as “inadequate” Wilson’s apology. “Mere rudeness is not our concern,” Pelosi said. “There’s plenty of that going around on a regular basis in congress. Neither is the accuracy of Wilson’s charge a defense as far as we are concerned. Unless Wilson publicly admits he was in error he will be officially rebuked by the majority.”
Representative John Murtha (D-Penn) was adamant in insisting that Wilson meet Pelosi’s demand. “Calling the President a liar impugns the integrity of a great man,” Murtha contended. “It slanders his reputation and drags his name through the mud. No one should be allowed to get away with such an irresponsible charge. Without a clear acknowledgment that he was wrong in every way about this, Wilson deserves our utmost contempt.”
As it turns out, Wilson was correct that Obama’s bill would have allowed illegal aliens to participate. It was subsequent to his outburst that the US Senate inserted language into the bill that would block such participation.
In related news, the Speaker brushed aside suggestions that Representative Charles Rangel (D-NY) should face any sort of sanction for repeatedly falsifying his financial disclosure documents. Pelosi characterized Rangel’s transgressions as “minor clerical errors fomented by complex tax and regulatory laws. We’ve all done it at one time or another. His service to the nation is too valuable to be undermined by mere technicalities.”
Poll Shows Voters Don’t Want Schilling to Run for Massachusetts Senator
A poll of Massachusetts voters showed a hefty majority (56%) opposed to a bid by former Red Sox pitcher and World Series hero Curt Schilling for the US Senate seat vacated by the death of Ted Kennedy. Only 21% said they favored a run by Schilling.
“He’s not a Kennedy,” said one poll respondent. “Nor is he a Democrat. He doesn’t even have a DUI or sex scandal to his name. He just doesn’t seem to have the kind of life experience we look for in a senator for our state. Maybe if it could be shown that he used steroids or other performance enhancing drugs as a ballplayer I’d give him a second look. But he still wouldn’t be a Kennedy or a Democrat. So, I’d have to say I don’t think he can win here. It would be stupid of him to waste his time trying.”
In related news, President Barack Obama has issued an Executive Order mandating a change in Massachusetts law that would authorize Governor Deval Patrick to appoint a person to fill the vacant senate seat. “Waiting until January to elect a replacement for Kennedy is unacceptable,” the Order stated. “Critical issues in congress will be taken up between now and then. We need a reliable Democratic vote and we need it now. So, under the powers vested in me as supreme commander of the United States, I am hereby instructing the Massachusetts Legislature to enact the appropriate statute to enable the Governor to appoint an immediate replacement.”
Governor Defers Budget Resolution until After Election
Illinois Governor Pat Quinn (D) has postponed balancing his state’s budget until after the February 2010 primary election. The Governor’s action contradicts the state’s constitution and threatens the availability of funding for the state’s vast network of social subsidies to targeted beneficiaries.
Quinn called the breach of the state’s constitution “tolerable.” “Obviously, we’ll need a tax increase to cover the hole in the state budget,” Quinn alleged. “But I don’t need to be hammered by my political enemies for advocating that before the election. There’ll be time enough to take that stand after I’m reelected.”
The Governor also discounted the possible consequences of disrupting the payments made to the state’s large welfare population. “These people know who fills the teat they’re sucking. They aren’t going to vote Republican no matter what I do. It’s the taxpayers I’ve got to wary of.”
President Gets Boost from CPUSA
Battered from an August filled with taxpayer protests of his health care bill and a rising wave of skepticism about his agenda, President Barack Obama received a flood of praise from the Communist Party of the United States (CPUSA).
In an article titled “The Impossible is Now Possible: Assessing the Obama Presidency,” executive vice chair of the Party, Jarvis Tyner hailed the President’s “drive to the left.” “The health care bill, the stimulus package, the cap-and-trade bill, the elimination of secret elections for union representation—it’s a program we dared not dream possible only a year ago,” Tyner wrote. “But now it’s on the verge of becoming the new blueprint for a truly socialist America.”
Echoing most media assessments, Tyner described Obama’s political opponents as “racist jackals” and “greedy capitalist pigs.”
Tyner urged all good communists to “support President Obama in his battle against right wing reactionaries. The President is our friend. We can trust him to take us where we all want the country to go.”
Obama Advisor Baffled by Weak Economy
National Economic Council Director Larry Summers, considered by many to be President Obama’s top economic advisor, said he is “profoundly puzzled by the persistence of the negative trends in output and employment.”
“We’ve bailed out the mismanaged companies. We’ve spent money we don’t have. We’ve put business on notice that the government is watching their every move and will step in to counter any missteps. We’ve extended unemployment benefits. We’ve done just about everything called for by the Keynesian Model. Yet, the economy is getting worse. Why won’t businesses invest? Why aren’t consumers buying?” Summers asked.
Summers said the Administration is considering some “targeted tax increases to get resources out of the hands of those who aren’t using them wisely. Once the government has more revenue we will be able to more effectively boost economic performance across the board.”
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