By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
The Obama Administration took another blow to its credibility when it was revealed that the Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now (ACORN) was caught on film advising clients on how to engage in illegal activities. In an undercover operation, conservative activists James O’Keefe and Hannah Giles, posed as a pimp and prostitute seeking ACORN’s assistance in setting up a brothel.
O’Keefe says much to his surprise, he wasn’t thrown out of ACOTN offices in Baltimore, New York, San Diego and Washington DC. “Here I was, clownishly dressed like a cartoon version of a pimp, asking for their help with my prostitution ‘business,’” O’Keefe recounted. “Not only did they tell me how to avoid scrutiny by classifying my prostitutes as ‘performance artists,’ they also suggested I could claim my underage, illegal alien sex-workers as dependents and lessen my tax liability.”
In an unsigned press release, officials of ACORN claimed that O’Keefe’s film “misrepresents our organization. He’s not so quick to admit that he tried this stunt in four of our other offices without success. So, it’s unfair to characterize us as a corrupt organization when only half the apples in the sample barrel are bad.”
Bertha Lewis, Chief Executive Officer for ACORN labeled the public’s revulsion “overreaction of the worst sort. In many of our poorer communities, prostitution is the best option for earning a living. Advising a would-be entrepreneur on how to secure a place of business, recruit employees and minimize taxes is all part of making the American dream work for even the least well-off among us—especially undocumented immigrants from impoverished Latin American countries like El Salvador.”
State’s Attorney for Baltimore, Patricia Jessamy, called O’keefe’s film “a shocking invasion of privacy. Here we have an organization entrusted by the federal government to help stimulate the economy being invaded by persons determined to expose what might be regarded as proprietary practices without the proper prior disclosures.”
Jessamy further promised that “Mr. O’Keefe’s nightmare is just beginning. On top of the invasion of privacy charge, I can see a possible trademark infringement and interference with an agency authorized to carry out official government policy. Even if he doesn’t end up in jail we can still bankrupt him with legal expenses.”
ACORN Spokesman Scott Levenson called O’Keefe’s film “manufactured news. If this were a real story we’d have seen a major news source like ABC or the New York Times take the lead. The fact that no such reputable news agency undertook the investigation speaks for itself—there’s nothing newsworthy to see here.”
In confirmation of Levenson’s view, ABC News’ Charles Gibson professed himself “totally ignorant” of the “so-called scandal.” “I don’t really follow the news that much,” Gibson elaborated. “I just read what our staff writers hand me. I don’t even try to make sense of what I read on TV much less try to get a handle on something that’s going on outside my world.”
Given his long and intimate ties to the organization, President Obama was reported to have been stunned by the revelations. “This is not the ACORN that I knew,” the President confided to aides.
Cash-strapped, ACORN has requested an added $6 million in federal aid “to avoid having to interrupt service.”
Over 200 California Schools Add Homosexual Studies to Curriculum
Many parents of school aged children were shocked to discover that hundreds of California schools have signed-on for a controversial new line of studies. The study’s course materials are being distributed by Youth in Motion, a partnership between the Gay-Straight Alliance Network and the LGBT media group Frameline.
“I’m not saying that the topic can’t be covered in an appropriate context,” said angry parent Chuck Upton. “But some of this sounds like propaganda or pornography.”
Some of the titles of films and lesson plans—“The Pleasures of Anal Penetration,” “Any Port in a Storm of Sexual Experimentation,” “Coming out of/or in the Closet: Having Fun with Where You Do It”—would appear to lend credence to parental anxiety over the new course of study.
“Our goal is to give student activists and teachers new tools to educate their peers about the fun side of being lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgendered,” explained Youth in Motion Pubic Relations Director, Perry Morton. “We believe that an inclusive curriculum like ours would’ve prevented the Prop 8 tragedy.”
Prop 8 was the ballot measure in which California voters disapproved legalizing gay marriage.
Administration Denies It Is Compiling “Enemies List”
The Obama Administration rejected concerns that it is collecting information from the Internet for the purpose of compiling an “enemies list.”
“Granted, we are gathering information—names, addresses, and the like—from those who have posted comments critical of the Administration’s policies,” admitted White House spokesman Nicholas Shapiro. “But our purpose is to better target future educational efforts.”
Shapiro contended that “so much of the opposition to the President and his program is based on ignorance and erroneous information that it should be obvious to any sound thinking person that many in our country need a significant amount of reeducation. Rather than just randomly splash this effort around, keeping a list of those most in need will be conducive to ensuring that the right people get the right message.”
California Looking to Ban Big Screen TVs
Citing environmental and energy-conservation rationales, the California Energy Commission has served notice that it will ban big screen televisions beginning in the year 2011.
“These large screen TVs consume an inordinate amount of energy,” said Commission Chairwoman Karen Douglas. “No one needs their own personal big screen. Generations of Americans got along fine with smaller TVs. In fact, while many alive today may find it hard to believe, there were no TVs in American homes 70 years ago. So, I think our action is far less draconian than it might have been.”
Douglas pointed out that “those who still need their big screen ‘fix’ can go to the movie theaters like their parents did. This will help restore the sense of community that the dispersed consumption of entertainment in private homes has been destroying.”
McCain Rates the Presidents
In a recent radio interview, Senator John McCain (R-Ariz.) was asked to respond to former President Jimmy Carter’s accusation that a lot of the opposition to the President Obama’s health care bill was rooted in racism.
The Senator rejected the racism allegation and characterized Carter as “the worst president of the 20th Century.” Of course, in order to present a balanced perspective, as is his wont, McCain added that in his opinion, “President Barack Obama is, so far, the second best president of the 21st century.”
Obama Czar Urges Redistribution of America’s Wealth
Cass Sunstein, President Barack Obama’s regulatory “czar,” contends that “most Americans are too wealthy for their own good. They are hogging more than a fair share of the world’s resources and becoming fat and lazy in the process.”
Sunstein suggested that “penalties for this country’s contribution to global warming would be an effective and efficient mechanism for achieving the transfer. Who can argue against saving the planet? And if it means American families couldn’t afford that second car or have to eat less meat, they’ll learn to walk more and eat their vegetables—boosting their own health along the way.”
The President’s czar, whose own wealth is far above the global per capita average, declined to lead by example, arguing that “those of us in the vanguard of change need to be amply rewarded for our contributions toward a better world.”
President Rejects Afghanistan/Vietnam Analogy
Amid mounting evidence that US troops are getting bogged down fighting al-Qaeda in Afghanistan, many are starting to make comparisons with America’s long and losing war in Vietnam. President Barack Obama rejected the comparison as inapt.
“You have to learn lessons from history,” Obama observed. “Vietnam was all junglish and damp. Afghanistan is barren and dry. Very different. In Vietnam, we misguidedly sided against the agrarian reformers. But Afghanistan is the war I promised we’d win in my campaign. Another important difference. Finally, you can never step in the same river twice. In fact, I don’t know if Afghanistan even has any rivers. So, I’d have to say, weighing these relevant factors, the two wars are nothing alike.”
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