CBS Warned by Obama Administration

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

CBS News skepticism regarding the number of jobs saved by the Obama Administration’s stimulus legislation raised ire at the White House. CBS News reporter Chip Reid aired a report revealing that many of the Administration’s claimed “job saved or created” totals were either exaggerated or false.

Separately, CBS investigative reporter Stephen Stock worked undercover to expose a pattern of fraud at medical clinics operating in South Florida. This is part of an estimated annual $60 billion worth of fraud perpetrated in the government’s Medicare and Medicaid programs.

“We’re putting CBS on notice,” said Barack Obama’s Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel. “It’s basically a question of loyalty. We expect this kind of nonsense from Fox News. By imitating Fox, though, CBS is undermining its credibility with the Administration. They need to know that no good can come of such behavior.”

Emanuel indicated that CBS, like Fox, might be put off limits for Administration officials. “Access to those inside the Obama Administration is by invitation and permission only,” Emanuel reminded. “We can’t stop our enemies from attending events open to the public, but we don’t have to let them into our own house.”

CBS, along with other recognized news outlets, recently thwarted Administration efforts to exclude Fox News from participating in a “pooled-media” interview with Obama’s “pay czar,” Kenneth Feinberg.

Dems Warn that Too Much Ballot Scrutiny Will Disenfranchise Disadvantaged

The Democratic Party of New Jersey is pressuring the Secretary of State to ignore discrepancies on the signatures that are supposed to verify absentee ballots. Under state law, anyone can cast an absentee ballot for any reason.

Paul P. Josephson, a lawyer representing the New Jersey Democratic State Committee, declared “this level of scrutiny is unwarranted and discriminatory. Just because a signature contains misspellings, or a different address or name than the registered voter is insufficient reason for disqualifying the vote. Many Democratic voters are poorly educated, illiterate, or worse. Cracking down on these ‘errors’ will disproportionately depress the votes for Democratic candidates.”

“Obviously, the ballot has to be filled out by a real person,” Josephson continued. “That person, whoever he or she may be, is entitled to participate in our great system of democratic self-government.”

Josephson denigrated the idea that checking signatures was an important safeguard against fraud. “Look, if they were serious about combating fraud every voter would be required to show positive proof of identity before casting a ballot. Once you allow unlimited absentee voting, though, that’s impossible. Throwing out the few percent of ballots that are crude fakes is unfair when the more competently done forgeries can sneak through.”

In other New Jersey news, that state’s appeals court ruled that citizens do not have a right to possess hand guns. “It is inconceivable that an Amendment written in 1787, when only muzzle-loading muskets were available, can be stretched to cover modern weaponry,” Judge Stephen Skillman wrote on behalf of a unanimous three-judge panel. “To rule otherwise would enable a private civilian arms race that could put the government’s ability to control the population at risk.”

Obama Administration Rebuts Criticism of “Cash for Clinkers” Program

Recent disclosure that the so-called “cash for clunkers” government program that paid new car buyers up to $4500 each for the trade-in of qualifying vehicles actually cost taxpayers an average of over $24,000 per trade-in due to government “red tape,” prompted a scathing response on the web site.

“Quibbling over the cost to taxpayers is both untimely and unseemly,” wrote an anonymous White House staffer. “The important objective is to pump money into the economy. It wouldn’t have mattered if we simply threw currency from the windows of a moving car. In this case, the government employees who processed the paperwork had jobs. So, one man’s waste turned out to be another man’s wages. This is the core of the Obama recovery plan. We mustn’t allow petty notions of fiscal frugality to derail it.”

Forcing People to Buy Health Insurance President’s Prerogative, Says Gibbs

White House Spokesman Robert Gibbs dismissed arguments that there is no Constitutional mandate for requiring people to purchase health insurance.

“The President’s opponents are tying themselves in knots over arcane notions of ‘enumerated powers’ and ‘rights supposedly reserved to the people’ when the issue is as simple as can be,” Gibbs asserted. “I’m no Constitutional scholar, but as I read the document, President Obama is the nation’s Supreme Commander. And if the Supreme Commander gives an order, everyone is obliged to obey it—’game over.’”

Gibb’s statement was backed up by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) who maintains that the issue of whether there is a Constitutional mandate for compelling people to buy health insurance is “not a serious question. We are a sovereign government. That means we can make laws and the people must comply.”

Pelosi added “I don’t see any difference between taxing people to fund a government delivered service and requiring them to go out and buy that service from a private firm. We already force people to fund Social Security. We forced people to pay bailouts to private banks. We force them to pay for innumerable special projects in every appropriations bill. Why are the so-called conservatives belatedly raising a Constitutional issue over health care when that horse left the barn long ago?”

President Obama Surpasses Bush Administration on Golf Course

CBS’ Mark Knoller reports that the Obama Administration is on pace to more than triple the output of rounds of golf played by a president while in office. In his first nine months in office, President Barack Obama has played 24 rounds of golf. It took President Bush 34 months to play as many holes.

The President’s Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, attributed the feat to “the superior dynamism of an agenda focused on hope and change. The faster pace set by the President is emblematic of the energy he has brought into the White House. It should bolster confidence in his ability to take on the challenges of the job.”

Gibbs contrasted the upbeat message sent by President Obama compared to President Bush at the same point in their respective terms. “When Bush was president nearly 3,000 Americans were killed in a terrorist attack by this point in his reign,” Gibbs said. “Fear and anxiety gripped the nation. Under President Obama, America has been free from attack and the President has won a Nobel Peace Prize. Which America would you rather live in?”

Key Dems Order Suppression of Report on Honduras

The chairmen of the House and Senate foreign relations committees—Representative Howard Berman (D-Calif) and Senator John Kerry (D-Mass), respectively—are demanding the librarians at the Law Library of Congress to suppress a report on the Honduran crisis. The problem with the report is that it concludes that the removal of former Honduran President Manuel Zelaya was carried out in accordance with that country’s constitution.

“This report directly contradicts the President’s position on this crisis,” Berman pointed out. “It creates an air of confusion regarding US policy on this matter. On matters of foreign policy, this nation must speak with one voice and that voice belongs to the President.”

Berman suggested that “as a general rule, a government library should not be a repository for documents contradicting the President’s policies. If the librarians hope to keep their jobs we expect them to enforce this without our having to point out their responsibility.”

Kerry Warns McChrystal’s Call for Additional Troops Goes “Too Far, Too Fast”

The chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, Senator John Kerry (D-Mass) labeled General Stanley McChrystal’s proposal to send 40,000 additional U.S. combat troops to Afghanistan “ill-considered.”

“This kind of blind blustering and saber-rattling might have sold in the Bush era, but it’s a new day under Democratic leadership,” Kerry boasted. “A more cautious and deliberate approach must guide us.”

In support of his position, the Senator cited a resolution passed unanimously by the Berkeley City Council calling for “an end to the United States’ barbarous ravaging of Afghanistan with cowardly remote attacks.” “At least the so-called jihadis have the good taste to blow themselves to bits when launching their suicide missions against American troops,” said Councilmember Max Anderson. “Their willingness to give their own lives offsets the collateral damage they inflict on innocent bystanders.”

Kerry recommended that rather than meet General McChrystal’s request, “we, instead, send a smaller number of troops a shorter distance.” “An expeditionary force of 10,000 US troops to Honduras to back the reinstatement of President Zelaya would be more in keeping with the new direction and attitude President Obama is trying to implement for American foreign policy,” Kerry contended.

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Democrats Reject Cheney Criticism of Afghan Policy

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Former Vice-President Dick Chenney’s comment accusing the Obama Administration of “dithering” on the decision whether to send more troops to Afghanistan drew sharp rebukes from key Democrats.

Administration Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs dismissed Chenney’s comments as “off-base.” “Where Mr. Chenney sees dithering, the reality is that we are pursuing a conscious policy of aggressive equivocation,” Gibbs said. “The aim is to keep America’s enemies off-balance. Not knowing whether more US troops are on the way will undermine their planning.”

Defense Secretary Robert Gates echoed Gibbs’ take on the issue, explaining that “postponing a decision on deployment throws a monkey wrench into the al-Qaeda machinery. They don’t know whether it will be weeks, months, years, or never before more US troops hit the battlefield. The blow to their morale is substantial.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) called Chenney’s remarks “undignified.” “To publicly criticize the President when the nation is at war can only embolden our enemies,” she declared. “Besides, Mr. Chenney is overlooking the strategic value of ambiguity. Keeping our adversaries guessing preserves the element of surprise for whatever action is ultimately taken.”

In related news, Gates refused to consider negotiations with Japan for the withdrawal of US troops that have been stationed in that country since the end of World War II. “I hope I don’t have to remind too many people that less than 70 years ago, Japan launched an unprovoked attack on the United States,” Gates said. “This isn’t the time for us to be letting down our guard.”

NPR Reporter Says Right Wing Has Sullied ACORN’s Image

National Public Radio’s Kevin Whitelaw blames “right wing ideologues” for destroying the reputation of the Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now, more commonly known by its acronym—ACORN.

“By relentlessly focusing on ACORN’s election fraud, mismanagement, embezzlement and other criminal activities, right wing fanatics are overshadowing the significant accomplishments of this great organization,” Whitelaw contends. “They’ve gotten millions enrolled for welfare. They got millions to vote for Obama.”

Whitelaw characterized recent revelations that ACORN employees advised applicants on how to set up an illegal prostitution business as “misguided zealotry.” “It’s easy for those who earn an honest living to ridicule the lifestyles of the underclass,” he said. “But prostitution may be the only reasonable opportunity for upward mobility for high school drop-outs, substance abusers, and welfare recipients.”

“I think if we balance the pluses and minuses, ACORN clearly benefits the country,” Whitelaw added. “It is a key proponent of the kind of change the President has promised for America.”

Obama Nominee Sees Traditional Marriage as Threat to Planet

President Barack Obama’s nominee to the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC), Chai Feldblum, has rankled many by calling the promotion of traditional marriage “wrongheaded.”

“The idea that two-parent families are a positive force for good is mistaken,” Feldblum argued. “In fact, its touted key strength—that it is best for children—is its greatest weakness. The Earth is already overpopulated. Adding more children can only worsen this problem.”

Feldblum contrasted traditional heterosexual marriage with the gay lifestyle, calling it a comparison that does not bode favorably for so-called traditional values. “The great virtue of homosexual relationships is that they don’t produce more children,” Feldblum pointed out. “Sexual needs can be gratified without risking polluting the planet with more humans. So, going gay is a significant step toward going green.”

Key Democrat Expounds on Constitution’s “General Welfare” Clause

House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer (D-Md) rebutted claims that a government mandate compelling everyone to buy health insurance would be unconstitutional.

“As I read the Constitution, the government has the right to enact any requirement it deems serves the general welfare of the nation,” Hoyer asserted. “If we feel that the nation’s general welfare would be served by requiring everyone to purchase health insurance, we will do so. If we feel that the general welfare would be served by forcing everyone to get a flu shot, then everyone will have to get a shot.”

Hoyer maintained that “the idea that individuals have rights that supercede the general welfare is flat out wrong. Letting people decide for themselves is the road to anarchy. Individual prerogatives are a privilege that must be closely monitored by the government. If any of these privileges clash with the general welfare they are null and void. Congress will take whatever steps to suppress them whenever it deems it necessary to do so.”

Next Round of Federal Spending Won’t Be Called a “Stimulus Package”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) said while the Democratic Leadership is concocting a second dose of federal spending to stimulate the economy, it won’t be called a “stimulus package.”

“There’s been too much bad publicity for the first stimulus package,” Pelosi said. “People are mocking us because unemployment is now higher than what we said it would be if we didn’t pass the first stimulus package. People say we just made things worse. This is undermining faith in the government.”

Pelosi downplayed criticisms that the first stimulus package served mainly to bailout blundering financial institutions, instigate corruption, and promote waste. “The key thing was to get money injected into the economy,” Pelosi argued. “Money the government paid out to Wall Street bankers is, in turn, spent by them.”

The Speaker also defended abuses of the mortgage subsidy program—in which speculators are buying homes in the names of infant children in order to qualify for the “first-time buyer” payout. “Even if these people seem like crooks, the fact is that the federal money we give them is also, in turn, spent by them.”

By keeping a lower profile for the next round of stimulus spending, Pelosi expressed the hope that “the seeming inequities and misappropriations will be more dispersed and less visible. We will still be able to keep pumping money into the economy, but without as much attention being paid to the so-called negative aspects of it.”

Obama Administration Challenges Fox Status

Obama Administration advisor David Axelrod said his analysis of Fox News broadcasts confirms that “it is not really a news station and should not be treated as such. The President has requested that the Federal Communications Commission “review Fox’s broadcasts and determine whether its license should be revoked.”

Two key charges against Fox are pending. One is that “its on-air personnel are insufficiently diversified.” “We feel fairly certain that the racial and ethnic composition of the on-air staff does not reflect a proportionate balance with the composition of the nation’s population,” Axelrod said. “This is a violation of the Equal Employment Opportunity statutes.”

The second charge is that “Fox’s program content is excessively critical of the Administration.” “Objectivity is essential for news broadcasts,” Axelrod insisted. “When we have Fox deviating from what every other news outlet is saying, real questions about the accuracy of its reporting are raised. Is it really believable that everyone else but Fox is blind or dishonest?”

Axelrod maintained that “broadcasters are granted a license on the contingency that they will serve the public interest. They do not have the right to use the people’s airwaves to spew venomous lies about the president and his policies. If they cannot fall in line, their broadcast license should be taken away.”

President Declines Invitation to Anniversary of Fall of Communism

President Barack Obama declined to participate in a celebration of the 20th anniversary of fall of Communism in Europe, saying he has “mixed feelings” about the event and “too little time to spare.”

“On the one hand, Communism did some brutal things,” Obama acknowledged. “On the other hand, they had some noble goals and made some important progress toward achieving them.”

Among the noble goals achieved according to the President were “the provision of universal health care, free college education, and the elimination of capitalistic greed. We can only hope to do as well in our country.”

The president cited his need “to work to transform America rather than spending my time gallivanting around the globe giving speeches. You may have noticed that things aren’t so great in our country. Capitalistic greed still runs rampant and has thrown many Americans out of work.”

“Besides, as my friend Ron Bloom says, ‘the free market is nonsense,’” Obama recalled. “So, I don’t think we should be gloating over Communism’s misfortunes.” (Note: Ron Bloom is Obama’s “Manufacturing Czar.”)

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Parents’ Concern over President’s Address to Schools Called ‘Silly’

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Amidst widespread concern among parents that the President’s address to school children this coming week is an attempt at indoctrination, the President’s Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, derided them as “silly.”

“The President is all about the future,” Gibbs said. “It’s imperative that he reach young minds before they are calcified by the ideas of their parents. The speech and accompanying lesson plan are aimed at avoiding this calcification and energizing the momentum for change in the upcoming generation.”

Critics contend that their concern isn’t over the speech itself. President Bush addressed school children in 1991. It’s the “accompanying lesson plan” that has raised eyebrows. One of the exercises in the lesson plan asks students to make a list of things they can do to “serve President Obama.”

Gibbs defended the personalization in the lesson plan. “Kids can’t be expected to grasp an abstract concept like ‘serving the nation,’” Gibbs argued. “Asking them to serve the President puts the ideas into a framework they can understand. It’s like a parent asking a child to help with household chores. The child trusts the parent to have his best interests at heart and has faith that the parent will look out for him. Conveying the message that the President is the ‘father of the American family’ is an analogy that will help facilitate the needed compliance on the part of the students.”

The Press Secretary countered the observation that this sort of “personality cult” resembles that used by tyrants. “Why should we leave this powerful tool to the sole use of the world’s bad guys?” Gibbs asked. “Doesn’t it make sense to build a strong sense of loyalty toward the leader of the free world in our own children?”

In related news, ABC News journalist and former Democratic Party apparatchik, George Stephanopoulos urged President Obama “to use this address to intimidate his opponents. The President’s enemies must be made to understand that opposition will have consequences they won’t like.”

Obama “Czar” Advocates “Social Decision Framework” for Organ Donation

President Barack Obama’s nominee to head the Office of Information and Regulatory Affairs (OIRA), Cass Sunstein, says that organs for transplant shortages could be averted by reforming the protocol that determines when organs may be harvested from donors.

Currently, persons wishing to donate organs must sign permission documents in advance. Many do not. The number of organs available for transplant would be larger if explicit permission were not required. “Just because a person is born with an organ doesn’t mean he is entitled to keep it if a greater need could be served by a different disposition of this asset,” Sunstein contended.

“Since scientific advances have enabled organs to be repositioned we should be more open minded about how we view ownership,” Sunstein urged. “I mean, humanity used to blindly accept that titles of nobility and all its privileges were owned by accident of birth. We’ve outgrown that quaint way of thinking. Maybe it’s time to ‘think-outside-the-box’ about organ ownership.”

Sunstein suggested that a “social decision framework” replace the “selfish hereditary” model. “All of society’s assets should be allocated where they are most needed for the good of the whole,” Sunstein maintained. “Reallocation of the organs of the deceased is a ‘no brainer.’ I can see no valid rationale for any impediment. Reallocation of the organs of the living, however, raises trickier issues.”

“People can live with only one kidney or one lung,” Sunstein observed. “Can we really justify anyone withholding a surplus kidney or lung when it is a matter of life and death to another?”

“Then there is the case of dire need by persons of great value to the community,” he added. “Should the life of a genius or crucial community leader be allowed to expire when replacement organs are available? Should a lesser person’s current possession of a needed organ be allowed to stand in the way? If we can ask that soldiers or police give their lives for the greater good, why can’t we ask every citizen to be ready to give theirs if they are a match and the need is urgent?”

China to Foreclose on White House

As owners of a major portion of the United States’ national debt, the government of China has exercised its option to foreclose on the White House. The foreclosure is scheduled for September 20th. This shocking turn of events follows from the extraordinary explosion of debt since the start of this year.

“Look, title to the White House, per se, is largely symbolic,” said US Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner. “We have received no indication that the President and his family will necessarily be evicted. But even if they are there are still many who will take them in. After all, the President can do a lot of favors for those who help him out.”

Geithner insisted that “there is a silver lining to this. China’s purchase of US Treasury bonds has enabled us to fund the stimulus package. Without this the President’s reelection would be far less certain.”

With the projected federal deficit expected to grow by $9 billion over the next decade, Geithner said “deeds to other landmarks may be thrown into the mix in order to keep Chinese cash flowing to us.”

Kennedy Memoir Apologizes for Chappaquiddick Incident

It is being reported that the late Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Mass) apologized for his role in the Chappaquiddick “incident” in his memoir. In the book, Kennedy acknowledged that “in some small way not entirely clear to me even 40 years later, I may have contributed to the death of Mary Jo Kopechne.”

The memoir defended the late Senator’s “deferral of admission of responsibility” as “a necessary sacrifice for the national interest. My political enemies would have gladly used it to divert me from my mission to succor the indigent, the improvident, and the irresponsible during my long career of public service.”

Kennedy contrasted the “inestimable harm that would have transpired if I had not been able to continue my work with the relatively minor loss of one young woman of questionable character. Mary Jo was a person willing to have a one-night stand with a married man. She took advantage of my inebriated condition to seduce me. I could’ve been killed, but with God’s help, I was able to swim free.”

CBS News’ Bob Schieffer concurred with the late Senator’s take, calling him “a classic American hero.” “No ordinary man would have been able to so quickly assess the situation and recognize the comparable values of the two lives involved,” Schieffer said. “Instead of risking drowning in a futile attempt to rescue Ms. Kopechne, Senator Kennedy put the good of the country first. For that we must be truly grateful.”

In related news, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) boasted that “we will milk Senator Kennedy’s timely demise for as many sympathy votes as we can for the KennedyCare health reform bill. Of course, it would’ve been better if he’d been shot like his brothers, but we’ll make the best we can of his death.”

Press Secretary Apologizes for “War on Terror” Slip

President Barack Obama’s press secretary, Robert Gibbs, apologized for using the phrase “war on terror” at a recent press briefing.

“I apologize for my insensitivity toward the religion of peace,” Gibbs said. “As we all know. It is the President’s position that there is no such war, there is no jihad. What I should have said is that our government will continue to strive to mitigate the effects of man-caused disasters.”

Grandson Sues to Clear Stalin’s Name

Yevgeny Dzhugashvili, grandson of the former doctor of the Soviet Union, Joseph Stalin, has filed a lawsuit demanding damages of $300,000 for what he termed “the slander of my late grandfather by Novaya Gazeta.”

The newspaper, as have most historians, attributed millions of murders to the regime headed by Stalin from the mid 1920s to his death in 1953. It is Dzhugashvili’s contention that every single one of these homicides “was in self-defense, not only of my grandfather’s own person, but of the entire nation.”

The absence of evidence for the claim of self defense “is due to my grandfather’s great sense of modesty and perspicacity,” Dzhugashvili argued. “The contention that he sent innocents to their deaths does not take into account my grandfather’s ability to spot plots for sabotage and assassination long before others could see a thing. He knew the future crimes that the enemies of socialism would commit. Saving the nation from those crimes was clearly an act of self defense.”

The $300,000 sought by Dzhugashvili in his lawsuit was characterized as “the minimum needed to compensate me for having to go by the family’s less well-known and ridiculous sounding name—“Dzhugashvili”—rather than the cooler and more macho “Stalin.”

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Senate Majority Leader Rejects Tort Reform’s Cost Savings as “Insignificant”

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) rejected the idea of incorporating tort reform into the health care legislation now under consideration. The issue arose when the Congressional Budget Office estimated that tort reform could reduce health care costs by $54 billion over the next decade.

“Look, $54 billion is a drop in the bucket for a program that will cost at least $2 trillion over the same period,” Reid observed. “The impact on the taxpayers will be inconsequential.”

Reid contrasted the “minuscule savings for taxpayers with the devastating impact that reducing tort costs would have on trial lawyers. The benefit for the average taxpayer would be less than $400. But the loss in income for the average trial lawyer would be in the hundreds of thousands, or more.”

The Senator contended that “the shock to those who have become accustomed to earning their livings through lawsuits would impose severe lifestyle changes on members of the legal profession. Requiring the few to suffer so much for the tiny gains of the many would, in my mind, be a gross inequity.”

White House Praises Congress for Vote on Gitmo Detainees

Congress’ vote to allow the illegal enemy combatants currently imprisoned at the Guantanamo Bay military base to be moved to the United States was applauded by the White House.

Calling the vote “an important reversal of the hysteria fomented by the Bush Administration,” a White House senior official speaking “off the record,” hailed it as “a crucial first step toward normalizing our relationship with these so-called jihadis.”

The “second step” entails a plan modeled on the foreign exchange student program. “American families will be asked to volunteer to house these former detainees and familiarize them with our culture,” the official said. “Later, they will be returned to their countries of origin as ambassadors for peace.”

“Of course, it is important that both sides participate in this exercise,” he continued. “While we haven’t yet reached an agreement with al-Qaeda, we are taking the names of young Americans who would be willing to spend a year living abroad in one of that organization’s many camps to both learn from them and to teach them the benefits of peaceful interactions with our country.”

The official pronounced himself “very excited with the President’s inspirational and innovative approach toward a new paradigm for easing global tensions.”

Two Potential “Blood Baths” Narrowly Averted by School Officials

Two separate incidents of potential school yard mayhem were narrowly averted by decisive action on the part of public school officials in New York and Delaware.

In Delaware’s Christina School District, 1st grade student Zachary Christie was spotted eating lunch with an unauthorized Boy Scout mess kit tool—a combination knife/fork/spoon. Disaster was avoided when the vice-principal quickly disarmed and immobilized the child. The school’s “zero tolerance” policy calls for the offending 6-year old student to be sentenced to 45 days in reform school.

School officials rebuffed arguments that the child’s age and the circumstances should be taken into consideration. “This student was wielding a knife within inches of other students,” said George Evans, the school district board’s president. “Are we supposed to wait until blood is spurting from someone before we act? It is better to act too soon than too late. And I categorically reject the notion that the punishment is excessive. Making an example of this one misguided boy will serve as a warning to others.”

In New York’s Lansingburgh Central School District, 17-year-old Eagle Scout, Matthew Whalen was suspended for 20 days after it was discovered that he kept a knife in a car parked in the school lot. The 2-inch pocketknife was part of a survival kit Whalen kept in his car. Other items in the kit included a sleeping bag, water, and a ready-to-eat meal.

District Superintendent George Goodwin defended the school’s action. “The fact that Mr. Whalen never brandished the weapon is irrelevant,” Goodwin contended. “Keeping it hidden in his car with other ‘survivalist’ gear is a clear ‘red flag.’ The Columbine murderers transported their weapons in a car. Neither am I impressed that Mr. Whalen is a Boy Scout. Timothy McVeigh was a Boy Scout. These are precisely the paramilitary types we’ve been warned about by Homeland Security Secretary Janet Nipplitaliano.”

Obama Administration Positions Itself to the Left of the UN on Honduran Crisis

Despite a United Nations’ report finding that Honduras acted within the parameters of its constitution in removing sitting President Manuel Zelaya, the Obama Administration remained firm in its demand that Zelaya be restored to power.

“While we certainly respect the UN’s right to a different point of view, we must insist on the reestablishment of the Zelaya Government,” said President Barack Obama. “His removal was founded on an adherence to formalistic procedures rather than a true expression of the people’s will.”

“It is our belief that the popular referendum President Zelaya sought is fully compatible with the core democratic principles our nation has stood for since its founding over 200 years ago,” Obama asserted. “Maintaining these core principles is more important than enforcement of an ancient scrap of paper.”

Zelaya was removed from office earlier this year when the Honduran Supreme Court, with the concurrence of the nation’s legislature, determined that his call for a referendum to extend his term of office was unconstitutional.

In related news, Senate Foreign Relations Committee Chairman John Kerry (D-Mass) vetoed a proposed fact finding trip to Honduras by several Republican senators on the grounds that “it can only generate a perception of disunity and disagreement over a policy matter that is the prerogative of the Executive Branch. It is harmful to America’s interests if members of the opposition Party are permitted to go abroad and criticize, or appear to criticize, the President’s policies.”

Obama Aide Defends Favorite Philosopher

Ridiculed by right-wing commentators for remarks indicating that Mao Tse-tung was her favorite philosopher, White House communications director Anita Dunn fired back at her critics, saying that “racial prejudice and ideological blinders shouldn’t keep us from acknowledging greatness wherever we find it.”

“Mao rescued his country from centuries of feudalism,” Dunn claimed. “The person that could accomplish such a feat is worthy of both admiration and emulation.”

Dunn said Mao’s detractors “make too much of the so-called brutality of his methods. The masses of China were largely illiterate—like most of the world’s people. There was no time for squeamish notions of democracy or human rights. Landlords and counterrevolutionaries had to be contended with in a rough and ready way.”

“He was also cute in a roly-poly kind of way,” Dunn added. “And I understand his sexual prowess was legendary.”

Historians estimate that Mao’s regime murdered 35 million to 65 million inhabitants of China. He is also rumored to have “seduced” over 1,000 women.

President Obama belittled Dunn’s critics pointing out that “many of FDR’s appointees were Communist sympathizers too. Yet, his was one of the most successful Administrations in US history. So, I definitely think there is a lot to be said for keeping an open mind on this topic.”

U.S. State Department on a Roll

A week of hard negotiations between the United States and Russia netted what Secretary of State Hillary Clinton classified as “significant breakthroughs in our two countries’ relationship.”

Among the breakthroughs cited by Secretary Clinton—Russia will be allowed to inspect US nuclear weapons sites, Russia retains the right to preemptive, first-strike use of nuclear weapons, and Russia will not assist the United States in seeking sanctions against Iran’s acquisition of nuclear warheads.

“By acceding to their demands we are showing them that we do not pose a threat to their interests,” Clinton explained. “A gesture of submission on our part eases tension in Moscow and brings our two nations closer.” “Should there be a preemptive strike, of course, we may have to renegotiate some of the terms,” she admitted.

“Let me point out that we have reached more agreements in the past week than any previous Administration ever has,” Clinton boasted. “Our two countries are on the best terms since the Yalta Conference of 1945.”


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Nobel Committee Explains Peace Prize Award

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

To the surprise of nearly everyone, the Norwegian Nobel Committee has awarded its 2009 Peace Prize to US President Barack Obama. Committee Chairman Thorbjørn Jagland said that “a number of key factors went into our decision.”

“First, President Obama is more for peace than any other person on the planet,” Jagland asserted. “Such earnest enthusiasm for an ideal merits special recognition.” Jagland observed that a similar standard led the Committee to award the Peace Prize to former US Vice-President Al Gore in 2007. “If we are giving Mr. Gore the Prize for his earnest enthusiasm on behalf of global warming, failure to do something similar for Mr. Obama might be construed as latent racism,” Jagland argued.

“Second, we felt that the award could serve as a sort of consolation prize for the snubbing of Mr. Obama by the International Olympic Committee when they rejected his entreaties to grant the 2016 Olympic games to Chicago,” Jagland continued. “While we recognize that the financial gain Mr. Obama could have reaped from the Olympic award to his hometown dwarf those of our Prize, we felt it might ease his pain.”

“Finally, the barrage of criticism from the right-wing media in America—most notably the recent lampooning of Mr. Obama by the Saturday Night Live television program—is undermining his progressive agenda,” Jagland concluded. “It is our hope that our award will offset, if not silence, this criticism.”

Presidential advisor David Axelrod characterized the award as “game changing.” “Enemies of the President have made a big show of popular opposition with these so-called ‘tea parties,’” Axelrod said. “Now that the President’s genius has been internationally proclaimed it will be harder for them to gain traction.”

In related news, 2007 Peace Prize recipient Al Gore congratulated President Obama, but reminded everyone that “I also received an Oscar. So, I’m still ahead as far as the awarding of major awards go.”

White House Seeks Peace Deal with Taliban

In an effort to extract U.S. armed forces from Afghanistan, the Obama Administration has sent out peace feelers to the Taliban contingent upon their disentanglement of themselves from al-Qaeda.

Press Secretary Robert Gibbs sought to clarify the difference between Taliban and al-Qaeda. “Al-Qaeda has carried out terrorist strikes around the world,” Gibbs pointed out. “The Taliban have confined their murders and oppression to those within the borders of Afghanistan. The President is confident he can live with that.”

Taliban leader, Mullah Mohammed Omar is said to have welcomed “the offer of surrender from the ‘Great Satan,’” expressed his willingness “to accommodate a brief truce to allow infidel armies to withdraw from our land,” and vowed a “righteous retribution against all who collaborated with the occupiers.”

Kennedy Book Chapter Boasts of Sexual Conquests

In a draft chapter that failed to make the final editor’s cut, the late Senator Ted Kennedy boasted that he had slept with more than 1,000 women during his life. The Senator also recounted that he was quite pleased that it only cost him a total of $10 million in hush money.

“In a way, the drowning of Mary Jo helped keep down the costs,” Kennedy wrote. “My ability to skate on that convinced many of my subsequent conquests to be reasonable in their demands lest a similar fate befall them.”

The chapter also expressed some regret over the Kopechne incident. “Sad to say, I can’t count Mary Jo in my list of conquests since she died before I could consummate our union,” he wrote. “So, in a very real way, I, too, was a big loser on that tragic evening.”

Ousted Honduran President Sees Widespread Conspiracy

Former Honduran president Manuel Zelaya complained that a “broad coalition of conspirators collaborated in ousting me from my post.” The conspirators are alleged to include US right-wing politicians, the international Zionist cabal, and extraterrestrials.

“The hand of these nefarious agents can be seen in the manner of both my removal from office and in the continuing humiliation I am forced to endure,” Zelaya argued. “Rather than just having me shot by a military junta as is the time-honored custom in our part of the world, the conspiracy invoked constitutional procedures jointly endorsed by the court and legislature. Now I must endure the jeers of my countrymen instead of enjoying a heroic martyrdom.”

In addition to the jeers of his countrymen, Zelaya is said to be suffering from brain-melting Israeli death rays relayed via an alien spacecraft orbiting the Earth. “My only hope is that the great, wise and merciful Obama will rescue me from my misery,” Zelaya wailed.

The scope of the hoped for succor remains to be seen. President Obama has ordered the Honduran government to reinstate Zelaya as president. Thus far, the post-Zelaya government refuses to recognize President Obama’s authority in the matter. Whether the award of the Nobel Peace Prize to Obama will be sufficient to generate the desired obedience to his will is unknown.

House Speaker Touts Value Added Tax

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) says it’s time we “got in step with the civilized nations and adopted our own value added tax.” A value added tax assesses each producer of output for the increment of additional value he/she contributes to the making of goods or services. This type of tax is common in Europe.

“This nation is desperately in need of more revenue to support government programs,” Pelosi asserted. “We need to tap new sources. A huge untapped source is the activity of creating value in the products sold.”

The Speaker maintained that “simple equity and environmental justice argue for such a tax. People who can add value to anything are obviously able to create wealth. It’s only fair to those who are unable to do the same be supported by those who are. There’s also the issue of environmental impact to consider. Those adding value are exploiting our natural resources. It’s only right that they pay an added fee for the privilege.”

Pelosi characterized a value added tax as “the third leg of a well-balance stool of public finance. We’ve got the progressive income tax to penalize those who earn too much. We’ve got the capital gains tax to penalize those who invest too much. It’s only fitting that we take a piece out of those who are creating value.”

NAACP Pushes Drive to Get Out Prison Vote

The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) is working assiduously to get prisoners registered to vote in the state of Maine. Maine is one of only two states in which it is legal for prison inmates to vote. Vermont is the other.

Rachel Talbot Ross, president of the Portland chapter of the NAACP said “it is time to bring prisoner voting into the mainstream. A growing proportion of our population is comprised of criminals who are behind bars. Denying this segment of society the right to participate in self-government is a taint on our democracy.”

Ross pointed out that “not all criminals are in jail. Those able to avoid going to prison are allowed to vote. Why should those who are paying their debt to society be singled out for discriminatory treatment? And do I need to mention the fact that some of the most corrupt and dishonest among us are the ones making our laws? I mean, not only is tax-cheat Representative Charles Rangel (D-NY) not behind bars, he’s chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee. So, when you think about it, we’re not asking for much.”

In related news, House Democrats beat back an attempt by Republicans calling for Rangel to step down from his post as chairman of the Ways and Means Committee. “Who better to ferret out hidden sources of wealth that can be taxed than a man who has hidden some of his own,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif), explaining why the Democratic Party rejected replacing Rangel as chairman of the committee.

Senator Says Comparison Unfair

Illinois Senator Dick Durbin (D) said those criticizing the healthcare bill because of its length (over 1,000 pages) compared to the Ten Commandments of the Bible aren’t being fair.

“Look, first off, God was dealing with simpler issues in simpler times,” Durbin complained. “We live in more complex times. It’s to be expected that we’d need more words to deal with these more complex issues.”

“Besides, has the brevity of the Ten Commandments really done the job?” Durbin asked. “It seems that many didn’t get the message. If God had been a little more verbose maybe the world wouldn’t be such a mess.”

Durbin contended that “lengthy provisions specifying penalties for infractions and providing for government oversight make the healthcare bill a vastly superior document. In my view, accuracy and thoroughness are more important than pithy sloganeering.”


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Signs of the Times

Health care reform “will raise taxes on American families by $400 billion,” according to Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell: 

78 percent of all jobs lost during this recession were held by men

The presence of homosexual characters on broadcast TV has sharply increased. 

The British National Health Service comprises 20 percent of all government spending.

Former UN ambassador John Bolton says a “military strike on Iran” is now “very likely.”

Glenn Beck says the decision by Arizona State University to withhold an honorary degree from rookie president Obama now stands in stark contrast to the Nobel Peace Prize committee’s decision.

The recession is hurting Planned Parenthood, the ACLU, and the Vegas gambling scene.

This Sunday in Washington, thousands of homosexuals will hold a big rally in favor of special rights. On the same day in Phoenix, thousands will walk or run a 5-kilometer course to raise money for Planned Parenthood and its best friend, the Susan G. Komen Foundation.

Fred Barnes of the Weekly Standard estimates that Republicans will win 15 to 25 House seats in the 2010 election – not enough to regain control, but putting them well on their way.

Illegitimate births in the U.S. are 40 times higher than in South Korea.

Since Obama became prez, the U.S. is surrendering control of the Internet, and the dollar is on the verge of being replaced as the worldwide currency standard for the first time in 60 years.

President Fails to Medal in Olympic Bid

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

A stunned media was left speechless when President Barack Obama’s personal sales pitch on behalf of Chicago’s bid to host the 2016 Summer Games failed to sway the International Olympic Committee (IOC). Of the four contending bids, Chicago’s was the first to be rejected—giving it a last place finish in the event.

MSNBC’s Ed Schultz called the outcome “fishy.” “When the most persuasive man on the planet can’t sell a bunch of Eurostiffs on the benefits of a great city like Chicago, something ugly and obscene is going on,” Schultz opined. “One can only wonder if the racism fomented by right wing talk radio isn’t at work here.”

White House adviser David Axelrod blamed “dishonest backroom politics for rigging the decision. We thought it was all set. There’s no way we would’ve let the President and First Lady expose themselves to such an overtly public show if we didn’t think it was already a done deal. We’ve been double-crossed. We won’t forget.”

Axelrod said the Obama’s trip to Denmark to make the pitch wasn’t a total loss. “Anytime you can get a free trip to Europe it’s a plus,” he said. “It’s one of the perks that the Obama’s highly prize. It takes some of the sting out of the appearance of impotence in the sales effort.”

Appointed Senator Rowland Burris (D-Ill) blamed the failure on former president George Bush. “I wouldn’t be where I am today without absorbing the important political lesson that everything that has gone wrong for America in this century is Bush’s fault,” Burris asserted. The Senator dismissed the possibility that Chicago’s high murder rates could have been a factor as “most of these occur in venues that would not be frequented by the Olympic athletes, officials or sports fans.”

In an effort to offset the negative economic consequences to Chicago from the failed bid, the President promised he will direct that “stimulus” funds be used to “build the facilities that would have been required to host the games. Many Chicagoans have already made investments in anticipation of getting the games. We can’t leave them holding the bag. Nor need we forego the benefits from condemning property, tearing down buildings and erecting new structures just because the Olympics won’t be coming to Chicago.”

Police Order Home Security System Dismantled

A retired policeman, Ralph Harvey, in the town of Saltash (United Kingdom) was ordered to take down the electrified wires he installed to protect his home from break-ins. Harvey constructed the system after burglars had stolen all his wife’s jewelry. Local police have been unable to solve the case or to prevent frequent episodes of vandalism against Harvey’s property.

Saltash Police spokesman, Andy Dunstan said that “While I’m not entirely unsympathetic, what with Mr. Harvey being a former policeman and all. But we can’t abide the risk to potential thieves from this fence.”

The electrified fence is only 12 volts—not enough to do serious harm, but sufficient to earn a miscreant an unpleasant jolt. It also has warning signs prominently displayed on all sides of the property.

“The signs don’t make it alright,” Dunstan said. “The sad fact is many criminals are not good readers. A growing number don’t even speak English. We can’t afford these unfortunates getting injured and suing the city for not protecting them from Mr. Harvey’s homemade trap. Our advice to homeowners is let the thieves take what they want. It’s safer all around that way.”

Kennedy Says Right Wing Opposition to President May Lead to Violence

Representative Patrick Kennedy (D-R.I.) warned of the dangers of “unconstrained opposition to the President’s policies.” “We don’t want to see a repeat of the 1960s when the same sort of vitriolic rhetoric led to the assassinations of my two uncles.” Kennedy urged we “put a damper on this type of rhetoric before we have cause to regret it.”

Kennedy said that the kind of vitriolic rhetoric he feels has gone too far includes “statements implying that the President’s health care bill will lead to rationing of care or that federal deficits will lead to bankruptcy or tax increases.”

“Just consider, the ‘Tea Party’ acronym stands for ‘Taxed Enough Already,’” Kennedy continued. “It’s not for these unelected rabble rousers to determine whether they are taxed enough. The Constitution gives congress the power to decide whether people are sufficiently taxed. This kind of open rebellion against duly constituted authority fosters the kind of disrespect for the government that could lead to violence. It must be stopped.”

Representative Kennedy’s uncle, President John Kennedy, was shot by Lee Harvey Oswald, a communist sympathizer, in 1963. His uncle, Senator Robert Kennedy (D-NY), was shot by Sirhan Sirhan, a Palestinian militant, in 1968. How these previous murders relate to “right wing” opposition to past or current policies wasn’t made clear by the Representative.

Filmmaker Says Capitalism Has Wrecked His Life

Though he has profited by over $50 million selling his product in the marketplace, left-wing filmmaker Michael Moore contends that capitalism hasn’t done him any good. “If I made all that money, where is it?” Moore asked.

While wags may jibe that there is ample evidence that Moore has put a large portion of his profits into augmenting his personal girth, Moore contended that “a system that allows a person to frivolously spend on items that endanger their health, like America does, victimizes people.”

Moore argued that “a socialist government like Cuba would’ve still let me make movies, but would also have provided the external discipline to save me from my vices. I’d have been able to become a big man politically without being allowed to become a big man physically.”

Democrats Refuse to Post Text of Health Care Bill

Senator Thomas Carper (D-Del), a member of the Senate Finance Committee, lauded his Party’s decision not to post the content of the pending health care legislation on the Internet.

“The claim that people need to read this before congress takes action on it is bogus,” Carper argued. “The bill is a massive and confusing mess. I don’t see how reading it could help anyone understand it. I know it won’t help me. I’m not reading this monster. So, posting it on the Internet would just be a waste of precious time.”

Carper rejected the idea that passing a law without reading it was a dereliction of his duty as a legislator. “It would be different if I were the odd man out on this,” Carper said. “But I’m not. In fact, I don’t know anyone who’s voting for the bill that has read it. Those demanding that we publish it are the ones out of step.”

The Senator said he was confident that “between the Department of Health and Human Services and the Courts there’ll be someone who can make sense out of it after it’s passed. And if problems arise, congress can revisit the issue and fix them at a later date. What’s important is that we get something done by year’s end.”

Czar Calls for Fines on False Rumors

Regulatory Czar Cass Sunstein has suggested that “rumor mongering could be discouraged by levying fines on the perpetrators. Those who spread false rumors may be inspired to hold their tongues if the financial consequences are severe enough.”

Among the “false rumors” cited by Sunstein were “continued accusations that the ‘stimulus’ isn’t working, that abortion is murder and that taxes are too high.” “We’re not saying that people can’t disagree on some of these issues,” Sunstein said. “But the disagreement mustn’t cross the line or show disrespect for authority.”

Sunstein illustrated his point by rephrasing the above statements into “an acceptable tone.” “While most experts agree that the ‘stimulus’ is working, naysayers persist in creating doubt,” Sunstein offered. “While abortion is a legally protected civil right, extremists seek to curtail it. While taxpayers complain that taxes are too high, the proper process for assessing this lies in congress.”

“Those who make their case in a moderate and respectful manner will have nothing to fear,” Sunstein added. “But those who insist on strident, uncompromising statements should not be allowed to do so with impunity.”


A Michigan man has filed suit against the Lansing office of the Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now (ACORN) seeking damages for “bad business advice.”

Rodney Mack, a would-be whorehouse entrepreneur, says that local ACORN representatives “did not adequately advise me of all the risks that I would be exposed to when I set up my ‘performance art’ business. I got the loan from the bank like they said I would and I was able to bring in the undocumented workers. But a business rival stole my money and beat up my ‘hos. I lost everything.”

The suit is asking that monetary and punitive damages be assessed against ACORN and its officers.


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