President Fails to Medal in Olympic Bid

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

A stunned media was left speechless when President Barack Obama’s personal sales pitch on behalf of Chicago’s bid to host the 2016 Summer Games failed to sway the International Olympic Committee (IOC). Of the four contending bids, Chicago’s was the first to be rejected—giving it a last place finish in the event.

MSNBC’s Ed Schultz called the outcome “fishy.” “When the most persuasive man on the planet can’t sell a bunch of Eurostiffs on the benefits of a great city like Chicago, something ugly and obscene is going on,” Schultz opined. “One can only wonder if the racism fomented by right wing talk radio isn’t at work here.”

White House adviser David Axelrod blamed “dishonest backroom politics for rigging the decision. We thought it was all set. There’s no way we would’ve let the President and First Lady expose themselves to such an overtly public show if we didn’t think it was already a done deal. We’ve been double-crossed. We won’t forget.”

Axelrod said the Obama’s trip to Denmark to make the pitch wasn’t a total loss. “Anytime you can get a free trip to Europe it’s a plus,” he said. “It’s one of the perks that the Obama’s highly prize. It takes some of the sting out of the appearance of impotence in the sales effort.”

Appointed Senator Rowland Burris (D-Ill) blamed the failure on former president George Bush. “I wouldn’t be where I am today without absorbing the important political lesson that everything that has gone wrong for America in this century is Bush’s fault,” Burris asserted. The Senator dismissed the possibility that Chicago’s high murder rates could have been a factor as “most of these occur in venues that would not be frequented by the Olympic athletes, officials or sports fans.”

In an effort to offset the negative economic consequences to Chicago from the failed bid, the President promised he will direct that “stimulus” funds be used to “build the facilities that would have been required to host the games. Many Chicagoans have already made investments in anticipation of getting the games. We can’t leave them holding the bag. Nor need we forego the benefits from condemning property, tearing down buildings and erecting new structures just because the Olympics won’t be coming to Chicago.”

Police Order Home Security System Dismantled

A retired policeman, Ralph Harvey, in the town of Saltash (United Kingdom) was ordered to take down the electrified wires he installed to protect his home from break-ins. Harvey constructed the system after burglars had stolen all his wife’s jewelry. Local police have been unable to solve the case or to prevent frequent episodes of vandalism against Harvey’s property.

Saltash Police spokesman, Andy Dunstan said that “While I’m not entirely unsympathetic, what with Mr. Harvey being a former policeman and all. But we can’t abide the risk to potential thieves from this fence.”

The electrified fence is only 12 volts—not enough to do serious harm, but sufficient to earn a miscreant an unpleasant jolt. It also has warning signs prominently displayed on all sides of the property.

“The signs don’t make it alright,” Dunstan said. “The sad fact is many criminals are not good readers. A growing number don’t even speak English. We can’t afford these unfortunates getting injured and suing the city for not protecting them from Mr. Harvey’s homemade trap. Our advice to homeowners is let the thieves take what they want. It’s safer all around that way.”

Kennedy Says Right Wing Opposition to President May Lead to Violence

Representative Patrick Kennedy (D-R.I.) warned of the dangers of “unconstrained opposition to the President’s policies.” “We don’t want to see a repeat of the 1960s when the same sort of vitriolic rhetoric led to the assassinations of my two uncles.” Kennedy urged we “put a damper on this type of rhetoric before we have cause to regret it.”

Kennedy said that the kind of vitriolic rhetoric he feels has gone too far includes “statements implying that the President’s health care bill will lead to rationing of care or that federal deficits will lead to bankruptcy or tax increases.”

“Just consider, the ‘Tea Party’ acronym stands for ‘Taxed Enough Already,’” Kennedy continued. “It’s not for these unelected rabble rousers to determine whether they are taxed enough. The Constitution gives congress the power to decide whether people are sufficiently taxed. This kind of open rebellion against duly constituted authority fosters the kind of disrespect for the government that could lead to violence. It must be stopped.”

Representative Kennedy’s uncle, President John Kennedy, was shot by Lee Harvey Oswald, a communist sympathizer, in 1963. His uncle, Senator Robert Kennedy (D-NY), was shot by Sirhan Sirhan, a Palestinian militant, in 1968. How these previous murders relate to “right wing” opposition to past or current policies wasn’t made clear by the Representative.

Filmmaker Says Capitalism Has Wrecked His Life

Though he has profited by over $50 million selling his product in the marketplace, left-wing filmmaker Michael Moore contends that capitalism hasn’t done him any good. “If I made all that money, where is it?” Moore asked.

While wags may jibe that there is ample evidence that Moore has put a large portion of his profits into augmenting his personal girth, Moore contended that “a system that allows a person to frivolously spend on items that endanger their health, like America does, victimizes people.”

Moore argued that “a socialist government like Cuba would’ve still let me make movies, but would also have provided the external discipline to save me from my vices. I’d have been able to become a big man politically without being allowed to become a big man physically.”

Democrats Refuse to Post Text of Health Care Bill

Senator Thomas Carper (D-Del), a member of the Senate Finance Committee, lauded his Party’s decision not to post the content of the pending health care legislation on the Internet.

“The claim that people need to read this before congress takes action on it is bogus,” Carper argued. “The bill is a massive and confusing mess. I don’t see how reading it could help anyone understand it. I know it won’t help me. I’m not reading this monster. So, posting it on the Internet would just be a waste of precious time.”

Carper rejected the idea that passing a law without reading it was a dereliction of his duty as a legislator. “It would be different if I were the odd man out on this,” Carper said. “But I’m not. In fact, I don’t know anyone who’s voting for the bill that has read it. Those demanding that we publish it are the ones out of step.”

The Senator said he was confident that “between the Department of Health and Human Services and the Courts there’ll be someone who can make sense out of it after it’s passed. And if problems arise, congress can revisit the issue and fix them at a later date. What’s important is that we get something done by year’s end.”

Czar Calls for Fines on False Rumors

Regulatory Czar Cass Sunstein has suggested that “rumor mongering could be discouraged by levying fines on the perpetrators. Those who spread false rumors may be inspired to hold their tongues if the financial consequences are severe enough.”

Among the “false rumors” cited by Sunstein were “continued accusations that the ‘stimulus’ isn’t working, that abortion is murder and that taxes are too high.” “We’re not saying that people can’t disagree on some of these issues,” Sunstein said. “But the disagreement mustn’t cross the line or show disrespect for authority.”

Sunstein illustrated his point by rephrasing the above statements into “an acceptable tone.” “While most experts agree that the ‘stimulus’ is working, naysayers persist in creating doubt,” Sunstein offered. “While abortion is a legally protected civil right, extremists seek to curtail it. While taxpayers complain that taxes are too high, the proper process for assessing this lies in congress.”

“Those who make their case in a moderate and respectful manner will have nothing to fear,” Sunstein added. “But those who insist on strident, uncompromising statements should not be allowed to do so with impunity.”


A Michigan man has filed suit against the Lansing office of the Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now (ACORN) seeking damages for “bad business advice.”

Rodney Mack, a would-be whorehouse entrepreneur, says that local ACORN representatives “did not adequately advise me of all the risks that I would be exposed to when I set up my ‘performance art’ business. I got the loan from the bank like they said I would and I was able to bring in the undocumented workers. But a business rival stole my money and beat up my ‘hos. I lost everything.”

The suit is asking that monetary and punitive damages be assessed against ACORN and its officers.


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