Democrats Reject Cheney Criticism of Afghan Policy

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Former Vice-President Dick Chenney’s comment accusing the Obama Administration of “dithering” on the decision whether to send more troops to Afghanistan drew sharp rebukes from key Democrats.

Administration Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs dismissed Chenney’s comments as “off-base.” “Where Mr. Chenney sees dithering, the reality is that we are pursuing a conscious policy of aggressive equivocation,” Gibbs said. “The aim is to keep America’s enemies off-balance. Not knowing whether more US troops are on the way will undermine their planning.”

Defense Secretary Robert Gates echoed Gibbs’ take on the issue, explaining that “postponing a decision on deployment throws a monkey wrench into the al-Qaeda machinery. They don’t know whether it will be weeks, months, years, or never before more US troops hit the battlefield. The blow to their morale is substantial.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) called Chenney’s remarks “undignified.” “To publicly criticize the President when the nation is at war can only embolden our enemies,” she declared. “Besides, Mr. Chenney is overlooking the strategic value of ambiguity. Keeping our adversaries guessing preserves the element of surprise for whatever action is ultimately taken.”

In related news, Gates refused to consider negotiations with Japan for the withdrawal of US troops that have been stationed in that country since the end of World War II. “I hope I don’t have to remind too many people that less than 70 years ago, Japan launched an unprovoked attack on the United States,” Gates said. “This isn’t the time for us to be letting down our guard.”

NPR Reporter Says Right Wing Has Sullied ACORN’s Image

National Public Radio’s Kevin Whitelaw blames “right wing ideologues” for destroying the reputation of the Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now, more commonly known by its acronym—ACORN.

“By relentlessly focusing on ACORN’s election fraud, mismanagement, embezzlement and other criminal activities, right wing fanatics are overshadowing the significant accomplishments of this great organization,” Whitelaw contends. “They’ve gotten millions enrolled for welfare. They got millions to vote for Obama.”

Whitelaw characterized recent revelations that ACORN employees advised applicants on how to set up an illegal prostitution business as “misguided zealotry.” “It’s easy for those who earn an honest living to ridicule the lifestyles of the underclass,” he said. “But prostitution may be the only reasonable opportunity for upward mobility for high school drop-outs, substance abusers, and welfare recipients.”

“I think if we balance the pluses and minuses, ACORN clearly benefits the country,” Whitelaw added. “It is a key proponent of the kind of change the President has promised for America.”

Obama Nominee Sees Traditional Marriage as Threat to Planet

President Barack Obama’s nominee to the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC), Chai Feldblum, has rankled many by calling the promotion of traditional marriage “wrongheaded.”

“The idea that two-parent families are a positive force for good is mistaken,” Feldblum argued. “In fact, its touted key strength—that it is best for children—is its greatest weakness. The Earth is already overpopulated. Adding more children can only worsen this problem.”

Feldblum contrasted traditional heterosexual marriage with the gay lifestyle, calling it a comparison that does not bode favorably for so-called traditional values. “The great virtue of homosexual relationships is that they don’t produce more children,” Feldblum pointed out. “Sexual needs can be gratified without risking polluting the planet with more humans. So, going gay is a significant step toward going green.”

Key Democrat Expounds on Constitution’s “General Welfare” Clause

House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer (D-Md) rebutted claims that a government mandate compelling everyone to buy health insurance would be unconstitutional.

“As I read the Constitution, the government has the right to enact any requirement it deems serves the general welfare of the nation,” Hoyer asserted. “If we feel that the nation’s general welfare would be served by requiring everyone to purchase health insurance, we will do so. If we feel that the general welfare would be served by forcing everyone to get a flu shot, then everyone will have to get a shot.”

Hoyer maintained that “the idea that individuals have rights that supercede the general welfare is flat out wrong. Letting people decide for themselves is the road to anarchy. Individual prerogatives are a privilege that must be closely monitored by the government. If any of these privileges clash with the general welfare they are null and void. Congress will take whatever steps to suppress them whenever it deems it necessary to do so.”

Next Round of Federal Spending Won’t Be Called a “Stimulus Package”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) said while the Democratic Leadership is concocting a second dose of federal spending to stimulate the economy, it won’t be called a “stimulus package.”

“There’s been too much bad publicity for the first stimulus package,” Pelosi said. “People are mocking us because unemployment is now higher than what we said it would be if we didn’t pass the first stimulus package. People say we just made things worse. This is undermining faith in the government.”

Pelosi downplayed criticisms that the first stimulus package served mainly to bailout blundering financial institutions, instigate corruption, and promote waste. “The key thing was to get money injected into the economy,” Pelosi argued. “Money the government paid out to Wall Street bankers is, in turn, spent by them.”

The Speaker also defended abuses of the mortgage subsidy program—in which speculators are buying homes in the names of infant children in order to qualify for the “first-time buyer” payout. “Even if these people seem like crooks, the fact is that the federal money we give them is also, in turn, spent by them.”

By keeping a lower profile for the next round of stimulus spending, Pelosi expressed the hope that “the seeming inequities and misappropriations will be more dispersed and less visible. We will still be able to keep pumping money into the economy, but without as much attention being paid to the so-called negative aspects of it.”

Obama Administration Challenges Fox Status

Obama Administration advisor David Axelrod said his analysis of Fox News broadcasts confirms that “it is not really a news station and should not be treated as such. The President has requested that the Federal Communications Commission “review Fox’s broadcasts and determine whether its license should be revoked.”

Two key charges against Fox are pending. One is that “its on-air personnel are insufficiently diversified.” “We feel fairly certain that the racial and ethnic composition of the on-air staff does not reflect a proportionate balance with the composition of the nation’s population,” Axelrod said. “This is a violation of the Equal Employment Opportunity statutes.”

The second charge is that “Fox’s program content is excessively critical of the Administration.” “Objectivity is essential for news broadcasts,” Axelrod insisted. “When we have Fox deviating from what every other news outlet is saying, real questions about the accuracy of its reporting are raised. Is it really believable that everyone else but Fox is blind or dishonest?”

Axelrod maintained that “broadcasters are granted a license on the contingency that they will serve the public interest. They do not have the right to use the people’s airwaves to spew venomous lies about the president and his policies. If they cannot fall in line, their broadcast license should be taken away.”

President Declines Invitation to Anniversary of Fall of Communism

President Barack Obama declined to participate in a celebration of the 20th anniversary of fall of Communism in Europe, saying he has “mixed feelings” about the event and “too little time to spare.”

“On the one hand, Communism did some brutal things,” Obama acknowledged. “On the other hand, they had some noble goals and made some important progress toward achieving them.”

Among the noble goals achieved according to the President were “the provision of universal health care, free college education, and the elimination of capitalistic greed. We can only hope to do as well in our country.”

The president cited his need “to work to transform America rather than spending my time gallivanting around the globe giving speeches. You may have noticed that things aren’t so great in our country. Capitalistic greed still runs rampant and has thrown many Americans out of work.”

“Besides, as my friend Ron Bloom says, ‘the free market is nonsense,’” Obama recalled. “So, I don’t think we should be gloating over Communism’s misfortunes.” (Note: Ron Bloom is Obama’s “Manufacturing Czar.”)

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3 thoughts on “Democrats Reject Cheney Criticism of Afghan Policy

  1. Jennifer

    Hi John ~
    I was just wondering … do you have a point of origination for the below info? I don’t mean to discredit you but I do like to fact check before I actually believe that something is said. I hope you’re not offended.

    Thankyou!

    Obama Administration Challenges Fox Status

    Obama Administration advisor David Axelrod said his analysis of Fox News broadcasts confirms that “it is not really a news station and should not be treated as such. The President has requested that the Federal Communications Commission “review Fox’s broadcasts and determine whether its license should be revoked.”

    Two key charges against Fox are pending. One is that “its on-air personnel are insufficiently diversified.” “We feel fairly certain that the racial and ethnic composition of the on-air staff does not reflect a proportionate balance with the composition of the nation’s population,” Axelrod said. “This is a violation of the Equal Employment Opportunity statutes.”

    The second charge is that “Fox’s program content is excessively critical of the Administration.” “Objectivity is essential for news broadcasts,” Axelrod insisted. “When we have Fox deviating from what every other news outlet is saying, real questions about the accuracy of its reporting are raised. Is it really believable that everyone else but Fox is blind or dishonest?”

    Axelrod maintained that “broadcasters are granted a license on the contingency that they will serve the public interest. They do not have the right to use the people’s airwaves to spew venomous lies about the president and his policies. If they cannot fall in line, their broadcast license should be taken away.”

  2. Pingback: Steney Hoyer Interperets the General Welfare Clause « The Patriots Pen

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