By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News 

Despite the fact that Congress enacted a law barring any more government funds—including funds authorized by previous legislation—from going to the Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now (ACORN), the Obama Administration’s Department of Justice has determined that payments can be made to ACORN under contracts signed prior to the ban.

David Barron, the acting assistant attorney general for the Department of Justice’s Office of Legal Counsel pointed out that “these pre-existing contracts are open-ended. They can be extended and re-loaded with money for as long and as much as the Administration deems warranted. Though congress has blocked any new contracts, this does not touch our ability to make continuing payments under the old contracts.”

Barron defended the Administration’s position as “a simple matter of justice. First, while individuals associated with ACORN may have violated a few laws, this must not be used to tar the whole organization. Second, even the laws allegedly violated are, arguably, unjust. Who is to say that the registration of phantom voters is not an equitable offset to over a hundred years of discrimination against minorities when it comes to elections?”

Palin a “Boring” and “Dangerous” Person Says Stewart

Famed domestic diva Martha Stewart took a few minutes off from her quest to beautify American households to broadcast a warning that we should all beware of Sarah Palin.

“Ms. Palin doesn’t know diddly about home décor,” Stewart asserted. “Why, she even has animal hides in her living room. And she boasts about killing them herself. It’s no way for a civilized person to live.”

Stewart went on to label Palin’s autobiography “boring.” “How could it be otherwise?” Stewart rhetorically asked. “Does it have decorating tips? Does it have recipes? No, it’s just the typical right wing blather about freedom. What good is freedom if it’s wasted on the kind of life she’s led?”

Although she admitted she hadn’t read Palin’s book and vowed that she “couldn’t be paid enough to do so,” Stewart contended that “the throngs of mindless fans slavishly hanging on Palin’s every word represent a real danger to this country. Yes, Sarah Palin is a dangerous person and we can only hope that President Obama will take steps to save America from her baleful influence.”

Carter Calls Obama “Best President in My Lifetime”

In an interview for Nation magazine, former President Jimmy Carter says that current President Barack Obama is “the best in my lifetime, maybe the best this country has ever had.”

Key to the high praise was Carter’s assessment that “President Obama is the most brilliant man to ever have held the office. He is wise beyond the boundaries we normally observe for human beings. That is probably why his Administration is our nation’s most unprecedented in history.”

“Of course, being the first black man to be elected president has to rank as the most unprecedented accomplishment ever achieved by anyone in this country,” Carter opined. “No one else has ever done it. That he has cements the success of his Administration. If he does nothing else he will still rank among the greats.”

“Perhaps the most significant of his successes so far have been in foreign policy,” Carter went on. “He has humbled this country before foreign leaders in ways that none of his predecessors could ever dream of. It’s like he’s saying to the world, ‘America is ready to take a seat on the back of the bus.’ Which is kind of ironic, him being a black man and all. But still, he’s representing an essentially white nation and his bowing down before colored peoples is very symbolic and very encouraging. It’s not surprising he won the Nobel Peace Prize.”

“And let’s not forget the unprecedented trillions in deficit spending he has initiated,” Carter continued. “No predecessor would’ve dared be so profligate. Such a bold and dynamic step is pure genius.”

Carter concluded by urging that the Constitution be amended so that “the gift of Obama will keep on giving to future generations. It would be tragic for our laws to limit us to only eight years of rule by this superior being.”

Seals to Be Punished, Captive Released Says Obama Spokesman

Three US Navy Seals who effected the capture of a highly sought terrorist suspect are headed for court-martial. Meanwhile, the suspect, Ahmed Hashim Abed may have to be released under new Obama Administration guidelines for dealing with perpetrators of the inaptly renamed “man-caused disasters.”

The bizarre turn of events was set in motion by what Administration officials termed the “unnecessary roughness” displayed by the Seals during Abed’s capture last September. It appears that one of the Seals may have punched Abed and bloodied his lip.

“We have rules governing this sort of thing,” said Secretary of Defense Robert Gates. “Without rules there would be chaos and anarchy.”

Gates tried using an analogy to explain the otherwise inexplicable course mandated by the Administration’s rules. “It’s like having a football play nullified by an unnecessary roughness penalty,” Gates contended. “To let the apprehension stand would be condoning this type of behavior. It doesn’t take much imagination to see that this would only serve to escalate the level of violence on both sides.”

“It shouldn’t come as such a shock,” Gates observed. “Letting perps walk when the so-called ‘good guys’ break the rules is the way our society reins-in excessive zeal in law enforcement. We are merely extending this time-honored law enforcement model to our efforts to suppress the criminals we call terrorists. And getting a smack on the wrist will also remind the Seals to mind their manners during future operations.”

Pelosi Hints another Stimulus Bill on the Way

The anemic results of the first government “stimulus” bill are said to be inspiring talk of another one.

“There are nearly 16 million unemployed Americans,” complained House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif). “And this is after we approved a spending bill of over $700 billion. Every economist I’ve talked to says the problem is that the first stimulus package was too small.”

Pelosi cited the estimated cost per job created to bolster her case for an expanded stimulus package. “With a cost of nearly $500,000 per new job created, it should be obvious that $700 billion won’t get us very far toward our goal of full employment,” Pelosi said. “Even a more modest goal of halving the unemployment rate looks like it would require stimulus spending of around $4 trillion. So, I’d say we’ve got a lot of work to do in congress to get this economy moving again.”

The Speaker rejected suggestions that tax cuts along the lines pushed by President Reagan in the early 1980s might be a better option for growing the economy. “Cutting taxes leaves too much control in the hands of businesses,” Pelosi argued. “Only products and services that earn a profit would be able to expand. Those producing things that consumers don’t want would be left to the cruelty of the marketplace. This is not the kind of society the Democratic Party wants for America. Prosperity shouldn’t be narrowly restricted to those who are productive. That’s a warped and elitist perspective.”

Muslim Group Demands Right to Pray in School

The Council on American-Islamic Relations (CAIR) is demanding that the Lewiston (Maine) School District allow seventh-grader Nasra Aden to pray in school at the regularly designated times for Islamic daily prayers and in the regularly prescribed prostrated posture. The District has not been accommodating in-school prayers under the apprehension that prayers are not permitted in public schools.

CAIR said it cannot accept the District’s insistence that any praying be done silently and unobtrusively. “Islam is a very vocal faith,” CAIR spokesman, Runha Amuk said. “God commands that we praise him frequently and openly. To demand silence is an insult to every Muslim.”

Neither would CAIR be mollified by the District allowing the student to be picked up by her mother and taken off school grounds to pray. “Why should the Muslim be the one inconvenienced?” Amuk asked. “It may be cold or raining outside the school. If anyone should be shunted out of doors it should be the unbelievers whose very presence pollutes the school environment.”

Amuk further explained CAIR’s demand for special treatment not accorded to other religions was justified because “Islam is the one true faith. It is no offense to God that false faiths are rendered silent by school rules. But the suppression of Islamic prayer is forbidden. Muslims must rise up against these enemies of God and smite their necks.”

In order to avert potential violence, District officials are considering a compromise that would set aside a special prayer room where Ms. Aden could pray without the interference of other students.

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By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News 

In direct contradiction to accusations that it is “dithering” or “wishy-washy,” the Obama Administration has acted forcefully to counter what it calls “the most serious and credible threat we face at this time.” It turns out that it is the rising popularity of former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, as evidenced in record-breaking sales of her autobiographical book and the massive crowds that have attended her book-signing appearances, that has spurred a concerted effort at countermeasures from the Obama Administration.

While Ms. Palin will still be permitted to go through with an appearance at the Army’s Fort Bragg in North Carolina, she will not be allowed to pose with any soldiers for photographs or to add personal messages when signing copies of her book. In addition, the media will be barred from covering the event.

Fort Bragg spokesman Tom McCollum explained that Garrison Commander Colonel Stephen J. Sicinski was “under strict orders from the President to ensure that our enemies do not exploit this event to the detriment of the Administration’s policies and positions.”

“We appreciate that many of our troops might relish a souvenir photo with the author, and ordinarily it would be okay, but this is a special case, calling for special measures,” McCollum said. “The President believes it is Ms. Palin’s intent to undermine and overthrow his government. It would be inappropriate for a soldier in uniform to have his or her picture taken with such a person. It’d be like having a photo taken with bin Laden.”

McCollum said policing the photo restriction would be simple, “cameras will not be permitted. Smuggled cameras will be seized. As for personalized messages accompanying the autograph, we will be inspecting all books on the way out. Those with offending messages will be confiscated and offending soldiers disciplined.”

“We’re going to nip this in the bud,” McCollum insisted. “We cannot allow a cadre of soldiers who might potentially be disloyal to the Commander-in-Chief to be recruited right under our noses. The stakes are just too high.”

Meanwhile, Mitch Stewart, director of Barack Obama’s Organizing for America sent out a plea for donations to help fund countermeasures to the Palin threat. “Sarah Palin may be the most dangerous threat that President Obama will face during his term in office,” Stewart wrote. “She has effectively rallied voters to oppose his policies and now is embarked on an unfortunately successful tour promoting her book. She must be stopped. Your donation will help the President beat back this threat and achieve his agenda for change.”

Global Climate May Cool, then Warm, or Vice Versa, Says Scientist

In a speech before 1,500 of the world’s top climate scientists, Mojib Latif of the Leibniz Institute of Marine Sciences at Kiel University, Germany warned that “the recent cooling trend should not be allowed to divert attention from our main purpose. Temperatures rise, temperatures fall, sometimes catastrophically. Amidst these fluctuations, though, it is imperative that funding for climate research be maintained.”

“Many governments are looking for ways to reduce expenditures during the current recession,” Latif ominously observed. “Consequently, a perception that climatic dangers may be easing or that there may be plenty of time to respond to trends that take millennia to evolve must not be permitted to gain a foothold.”

Latif emphasized that his remarks come at a critical time and praised “the efforts of earnest amateurs, like Nobel Laureate Al Gore, who are helping to create the sense of urgency needed to ensure an uninterrupted cash flow. But we cannot leave all the heavy work to others. We, too, must keep up the pressure. The value of dire prognostications from prestigious academic institutes and renowned members of the scientific establishment must not be underestimated.”

Embattled Treasury Secretary Blames Reagan for Country’s Economic Woes

Seeking to deflect a rising frequency of calls for his resignation, U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner suggested that “the root source of our current troubles can be traced back to the Reagan Administration. Remember, it was the tax cuts and deregulation pushed by President Reagan that unleashed an abnormal expansion of economic growth. The American people became accustomed to an unhealthy pace of increasing material prosperity that is incompatible with the more socially conscious restraint President Obama is trying to bring to this country.”

“Rising home values, rising investment values, rising salaries all stimulate a sense of greed that is at odds with the type of new nation Obama is trying to build,” Geithner said. “This country was already on the path to learning to live with reduced expectations under President Carter until Reagan took us off the track.”

Geithner insisted that “those who criticize what we’re doing now to get back on track are deluded by an unrealistic optimism about the future. In most of the rest of the world people are much poorer than even Americans who are out of work. Accommodating to lower expectations and living standards is the path that the President has chosen for this country. The sooner people get with the program the easier it will be for all.”

Credit Card Oversight Bill Advances

Representative Barney Frank (D-Mass.) has gotten the Consumer Financial Protection Act through his House Financial Services Committee. This bill will create a new federal agency to oversee consumer credit.

“Too many people are frivolously abusing credit,” Frank alleged. “They’re buying things they don’t need with money they don’t have. This is a recipe for bankruptcy. We have to stop it.”

Under the legislation, a Consumer Financial Protection Agency (CFPA) would review all current credit cards, as well as applications for new cards, to determine whether the cards are, or would be, used appropriately. Cards intended for uses that don’t meet CFPA standards would be revoked or denied.

Frank acknowledged that the new oversight might be characterized as “intrusive,” but argued that “intrusion is what we need right now. Most people are using these cards selfishly for their own material benefit. Few give any consideration to the social needs of the community. I see nothing wrong with inserting some control over this behavior. It’s like a dad taking a card away from his teenage daughter. It’s for the good of the whole.”

President Dismisses Worries that Stimulus Money Has Been Squandered or Stolen

Reports that some federal stimulus payments apparently may have been stolen or squandered failed to dent President Barack Obama’s confidence that his program is working. Questions arose when a number of supposed recipients of the federal money turned out to be fictitious.

The President urged people to “stop nitpicking every detail of my program. I am trying to deal with the worst national crisis since 1933. A few crumbs falling through the cracks is no big deal.” Some of the “crumbs,” for example, seem to have fallen into a nonexistent “crack” the Administration’s web site (Recovery.gov) labeled “Arizona Congressional District 15.” Arizona only has eight congressional districts.

“Accounting for where this money went is far less of a concern than the fact that it was spent,” the President asserted. “Even if it turns out to be true that funds were misappropriated, the key objective was to inject money into the economy. After all, even a thief spends his loot. This spending helps stimulate the economy.”

Nipplitaliano Denies Rumors

Secretary of Homeland Security, Janet Nipplitaliano, denied rumors that Major Nidal Hasan was working undercover for her agency when he went on his shooting spree at Fort Hood in Texas two weeks ago.

“Yes, it’s true that Major Hasan participated in a presidential transition task force last year,” Nipplitaliano admitted. “But I am disavowing all knowledge of his actions regarding the shootings at Fort Hood.”

Nipplitaliano suggested that “Hasan may have misinterpreted our warning about the dangers of gun-toting military veterans and taken it upon himself to act unilaterally to try to reduce this threat by culling potential recruits to right wing terror organizations in this country.”

AG Guarantees Conviction in NYC Terror Trial

U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder sought to allay fears that the pending trial of the 9-11 terrorists scheduled for New York City might go wrong.

“Look, I guarantee these suspects will be found guilty,” Holder adamantly assured senators during a committee hearing. “We aren’t going into this unprepared. It’s like the “Red Queen” said, verdict first, then the trial.”

“However, in the event we get an “OJ-type jury,” they won’t escape consequences,” holder continued. “There are other options. They could be rendered over to another government. And, of course, we can’t guard against every possible misfortune that might befall these men should they be acquitted and released in New York City. The important thing is that we maintain this country’s tradition of the appearance of due process.”

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By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

With the official unemployment rate topping 10 percent and the “unofficial” rate approaching 20%, President Barack Obama has sought to reverse his plunging job approval numbers by launching what he calls a “domestic employment initiative.”

“I am calling on the wealthiest 10% of Americans to help out the 10 percent who are unemployed by hiring them as domestic servants or personal aides,” Obama announced. “Even in these hard times, the upper crust of our society has more money than they need and lives in bigger houses than necessary. So, the means and infrastructure to support my initiative are already present. All that’s required is the will to make it happen.”

The President pointed out that “my wife has, herself, hired over two dozen personal assistants. And I am happy to report that she now wonders how she ever got along without them. I am confident that others will likely experience a similar epiphany once they have someone on their payrolls to cook, clean and run errands.”

Obama said he hoped the initiative would spark sufficient voluntary participation, but would consider a more forceful approach if necessary. “If the kind of carefree life Michelle has enjoyed through her acts of generosity isn’t inspiring enough we can look into other types of inducements,” he said.

Among the “other inducements” receiving some play in the Obama Administration is a “surtax” on incomes over $250,000 per year for households that do not hire at least one more domestic servant/aide—the funds from which would be used to hire servants and aides for families earning less than $250,000 per year.

President Brokers Deficit Reduction Deal

Indications that American voters are becoming concerned with ballooning federal deficits is building pressure on the President to come up with a solution. A leak from a well-placed Administration official says a “blockbuster” deal is in the works.

The deal is said to involve a massive “payment-in-kind” to the nation’s largest creditor—the Government of China. Concerned that its holding of a trillion dollars in US Treasury debt might be wiped out by a collapse in the value of the US currency, the Government of China has reached tentative agreement with the Obama Administration for the debt to be cancelled in return for a trillion dollars worth of military hardware.

“It really makes a lot of sense when you think about it,” said the leaking official. “The Chinese Army has manpower, but is short on sophisticated equipment like aircraft carriers, long-range missiles, and high-performance airplanes. In contrast, we have far more than we need. Not only would transferring these military assets reduce the debt, it would also save us the expense of maintaining and manning these assets.”

The prospective deal is also deemed likely to reduce tensions between the two nations. “Look, tensions between the United States and the Soviet Union were greatly reduced when we supplied them with weapons during World War II,” said the official. “Why shouldn’t we expect a similar outcome here?”

ACORN Sues Federal Government

The Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now, better known by its acronym—ACORN—has filed suit against the federal government over the cut to its funding passed by Congress. The suit alleges that the cuts are both “inequitable” and “unconstitutional.”

“First of all, the extensive history of government payments to our organization has created a financial dependency that it is the government’s obligation to sustain,” claimed ACORN CEO Bertha Lewis. “Cutting us off is just as wrong as cutting off the benefits to a welfare mother whose income-earning skills have atrophied while she has been on the dole. Those who depend on that dole—mother and children alike—would be irreparably harmed. Those who depend on ACORN—both its offices and clients will be irreparably harmed.”

“Second, ACORN was a vital participant in the electoral process that brought the current Administration into power and ensured a Democratic majority in Congress,” Lewis continued. “They owe us. Cutting us off is like defaulting on a debt. It’s just wrong.”

ACORN maintains that in addition to being unfair, the cut in funding violates the “ex post facto,” “bill of attainder,” and “cruel and unusual punishment” prohibitions in the Constitution. “Advising someone on how to set up a business, even an illegal one, has never been prosecuted before,” Lewis contended. “I mean, lawyers do it all the time. Cracking down on ACORN comes after-the-fact and singles us out for cruel and unusual punishment. Certainly, this is not the ‘change’ the President intended for his Administration.”

Congress Exempts Self from Health Care Bill

While the health care legislation recently passed by congress is deemed worthy enough to merit universal application to ordinary folks—in fact there are fines and prison sentences in store for those who would dare to refuse to participate—it apparently is not good enough for members of the federal government. Despite being given eleven different opportunities to amend the bill to include mandatory participation by members of congress, the Democratic majority voted every one of the amendments down.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi explained that “the President said that people who are satisfied with their current health insurance don’t have to change. We in congress are satisfied with our insurance and, to be blunt, are in a position to ensure that we don’t have to change, because we make the laws.”

The health insurance coverage enjoyed by members of congress has long been considered the “gold standard” for its extensive and generous benefits. Suggestions that it be used as a model for a national health care system for all Americans has been repeatedly rejected as infeasible due to its high cost.

“It’s possible to cover a small minority, like congress, with the kind of benefits we all long for,” Pelosi said. “But it would be far too costly to try to provide it for everyone. It is essential to ensure that those who govern this great nation be kept in the best of health. To try to do the same for all is a luxury we cannot afford. Sometimes people just have to settle for less than they might want.”

One-Man Jihad Should Not Deflect Us from Main Danger

U.S. Secretary of Homeland Security, Janet Nipplitaliano, warned Americans to “not let the actions of one troubled individual obscure a more serious threat.” The “troubled individual,” of course is Nidal Malik Hasan, the would-be jihadi who went on a shooting spree that killed 14 people at Fort Hood in Texas.

“Many will cite this individual’s rants and affiliations with radical Islamist groups to divert attention from the fact that there are amongst us millions of military veterans and gun nuts who vastly outnumber the few thousand Muslim fanatics who would take up arms against unbelievers,” Nipplitaliano asserted. “Clearly, we must counter the easy availability of guns and the prejudicial attitudes that pose the more alarming threat.”

Nipplitaliano said “law-abiding Americans can also take comfort that their President is working with international organizations and other nations to implement treaties that will severely curtail access to firearms. A Congress influenced by NRA (National Rifle Association) lobbying may balk at measures aimed at getting control of guns, but there is a way around this impediment. Few realize that according to the Constitution, treaties take precedence over mere statutes or Constitutional Amendments. If the President signs onto international agreements restricting gun ownership, NRA lobbying will be nullified.”

In related news, President Obama urged the nation “not to be too hard on the alleged assailant at Fort Hood. Longstanding racial prejudice inflicts deep wounds on the victims. Rage is the natural consequence. I, myself, have felt rage against the white man. I wrote about it in my book. If I hadn’t been able to channel that rage into obtaining power through legal means, I, too, might very easily have taken up arms against my oppressors.”

Global Recovery Will Not Be Driven by U.S. Consumer

President Barack Obama is expected to inform Asian leaders that they should not count on American consumers to supply the demand that will help pull the global economy out of its current recession.

“The era of material greed must come to an end,” Obama declared. “I can’t directly affect the phenomenon of avarice in other countries, but I can try to set an example in my own.”

The President acknowledged that the unemployment rate in the United States “has already taken a bite out of the consumer gluttony traditionally manifested in American life. But we must not lose what we have gained by returning to old ways. Getting people to learn to live with less is one of the fundamental changes I’m making to the American way of life.”

“My pay czar has already begun the process of sopping up excess purchasing power from those who don’t need it,” Obama said. “And our cap-and-trade energy bill will siphon off more unneeded income. The frugal America I am building won’t be able to buy the unnecessary gadgets Asian economies are manufacturing.” The President recommended that Asian nations “shift toward producing more environmentally friendly ‘green goods.’”

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By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Analysis of the pending Obama Administration health care bill indicates that most taxpayers will end up paying more, yet get less medical care than they currently do under preexisting plans. This, however, is not a bad thing according to an Obama Administration spokesperson.

“An estimated 90% of visits to the doctor are unnecessary,” observed Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius. “By eliminating as many of these visits as we can, we will hold down the cost of care. We will also be reducing the frequency with which patients are injured by doctors. Most people aren’t aware that being treated by a doctor is the nation’s third leading cause of death. Only heart disease and cancer kill more people. By keeping more people out of this high risk zone through rationing, more lives will be saved.”

“At the same time, by levying higher taxes on the general population we will reduce the funds available for expenditures on items detrimental to their health,” she continued. “For example, if you have less money in your pocket you won’t be buying unnecessary food. Since the majority of our population is overweight, buying less food will improve their health.”

Sebelius pointed out that “studies of lab rats put on near starvation diets show that life expectancies actually increase. So, there’s a solid argument for trying to move Americans closer to this experimental ideal. If we can accomplish this by taxing people more we shouldn’t hesitate to take that bold step.”

In related news, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) characterized claims that the pending bill would authorize taxpayer funding for abortion as “false.” “The bill does not explicitly allocate any funding for abortion,” Pelosi said. “The bill merely empowers the Secretary of Health and Human Services to make that determination. The only abortions that will be funded are those that the Secretary approves.”

Geithner Defends Giving Wall Street Priority in Swine Flu Vaccinations

With less than half the doses estimated to be needed likely to actually be available, the government has set rules aimed at directing short supplies to those deemed most vulnerable. As expected, children and pregnant women top the publicized priority list. Unexpectedly, though, it has been disclosed that Wall Street bankers and brokers have also been allocated a share of the scarce supply.

U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner explained that “ordinary people can’t be expected to understand the strategic need for us to keep Wall Street up and running. Missing a single day’s trading because of the flu could cost a man millions and his firm billions in profits. These are not your average ‘Joe-six-pack’ guys making a couple hundred dollars a day that’s covered by sick leave. There’s real pain involved.”

“Besides, these Wall Street guys don’t necessarily get to keep all that money anyway,” Geithner added. “The ‘pay czar’ may be confiscating a large chunk of it. So, keeping these guys going nets more for the US Treasury.”

Zelaya Asks for U.S. Troops to Reinstate Him

Honduras’ deposed would-be “strongman,” Manuel Zelaya called on US President Obama to send troops to help him regain control of the Honduran government. Zelaya was president of Honduras until he was removed from office earlier this year by joint action of the country’s supreme court and legislature.

“Micheletti has pissed on the agreement we made to restore my power,” Zelaya angrily alleged. “He is going ahead with the scheduled elections without my approval. He has refused to include my proposed constitutional amendment to extend my term of office. A new government will be formed without my consent.”

Acting President Roberto Micheletti insists that Zelaya was asked to submit names of persons he would like to serve in the interim cabinet being formed to oversee the regularly scheduled election later this month. As for restoring Zelaya to power, Micheletti says “the congress has declined to approve this option—as is its prerogative under the agreement signed by Señor Zelaya.”

Zelaya argues that “I granted them no such prerogative. Even if the agreement seems to leave them that option, our unwritten understanding was that I would be placed back in charge of the government.”

To prevent what he called “the people’s republic from going down the drain,” Zelaya called upon “my good friend Barack Obama to send military forces to suppress this uprising against my authority.”

Ironically, the “uprising” is being carried out by Zelaya’s own Liberal Party—of which both he and Micheletti are members.

MSNBC Commentator Calls for End to Voter Terror

Left-wing news commentator for MSNBC Keith Olbermann declared voter demonstrations against the Administration’s health care bill “terrifying” and urged that “they be stopped in some way.” The remarks came in response to a massive rally in Washington this past Thursday by opponents of the health care bill originally slated for a vote in the House of Representatives on Saturday.

“Here are our duly elected members of Congress trying to do their job, trying to fix a broken health care system, when mobs of ignorant yahoos descend on them,” Olbermann complained. “How can we expect to govern the people of America when rabble rousers like Bachmann and Palin are allowed to stir up opposition like this?”

Representative Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.) had encouraged voters to “make a House call” to try to persuade their elected representatives to vote against the bill. Former Governor Sarah Palin (R-Alaska) has been an active Internet critic of the Obama health care plan.

Olbermann suggested that “active opposition to government policies could be confined to a more manageable ‘window’ within 60 days of an election—as called for by the campaign laws. I mean, what good are these laws if they can’t reduce criticism to tolerable levels? Whether we slap fines on these people or call out the troops, something’s got to be done to put and end to this type of terroristic tactic against the government.”

In related news, Senator Michael Bennet (D-Colo.) had several constituents arrested when they came to his office to offer their views on the health care bill. “This is not the proper venue for citizen input,” Bennet said. “The voters’ job is to elect the right man on election day. That job has already been done. Now it’s time for that right man—in this case, me—to do his job and vote for this legislation.” Bennet also offered the opinion that “as a senator I have the right to have anyone I want arrested for hampering me in the performance of my duties.”

Dems May Discipline Lieberman

Now that Senator Joe Lieberman (ID-Conn) has indicated he may vote against the President’s health care legislation his Democratic colleagues in the Senate are contemplating how to persuade him to come back into line with the Democratic Party’s position on the issue.

Senator Tom Harkin (D-Iowa) warned Lieberman that “bad things may happen to him if he can’t fully support the Democratic Party’s agenda. If he’s raising supposed ‘matters of conscience’ or placing his notion of duty to his constituents or the good of the nation ahead of loyalty to the Democratic Party, he should have to pay a price. Look, we have to draw the line somewhere if we hope to maintain control over policy.”

Possible sanctions that could be imposed on Lieberman are said to include stripping him of his chairmanship of the Senate Committee on Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs and rejecting any earmarks he submits.

“He only has the chair of that committee by our permission,” Harkins pointed out. “And he can’t expect to share in the distribution of pork-barrel spending if he won’t vote with us on important issues. Senator Lieberman is risking a whole array of senatorial privileges that he seems to take for granted.”

Labour Party’s Support for More Muslim Immigration May Have Bad End

Great Britain’s Labour (Socialist) Party program to ease restrictions on immigration from Pakistan may end up bringing more trouble than the government bargained for. While Party insiders saw the program as a way of ultimately boosting votes for the Party, some of these immigrants are agitating for the imposition of Islamic law on a society-wide basis.

Former Labour Home Secretary Jack Straw admitted “we sure didn’t see this coming. We thought these immigrants would eventually become citizens and, in gratitude for what we’d done for them, vote Socialist. The demand that sharia become the law of the land totally blindsided us.”

At first the Government hoped that granting Muslims the option of choosing to have sharia law applied to civil disputes among members of the Islamic faith would be sufficient to meet Muslim demands. But the demands have escalated to an insistence on its universal application.

“British society is depraved and ungodly,” said Muslim leader, Anjem Choudary. “The despicable behavior of the unbelievers is polluting the environment for the faithful. All must be cleansed.” Choudary has suggested that “the Queen set a good example by wearing the burkha when out in public.”

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