By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
Despite the fact that Congress enacted a law barring any more government funds—including funds authorized by previous legislation—from going to the Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now (ACORN), the Obama Administration’s Department of Justice has determined that payments can be made to ACORN under contracts signed prior to the ban.
David Barron, the acting assistant attorney general for the Department of Justice’s Office of Legal Counsel pointed out that “these pre-existing contracts are open-ended. They can be extended and re-loaded with money for as long and as much as the Administration deems warranted. Though congress has blocked any new contracts, this does not touch our ability to make continuing payments under the old contracts.”
Barron defended the Administration’s position as “a simple matter of justice. First, while individuals associated with ACORN may have violated a few laws, this must not be used to tar the whole organization. Second, even the laws allegedly violated are, arguably, unjust. Who is to say that the registration of phantom voters is not an equitable offset to over a hundred years of discrimination against minorities when it comes to elections?”
Palin a “Boring” and “Dangerous” Person Says Stewart
Famed domestic diva Martha Stewart took a few minutes off from her quest to beautify American households to broadcast a warning that we should all beware of Sarah Palin.
“Ms. Palin doesn’t know diddly about home décor,” Stewart asserted. “Why, she even has animal hides in her living room. And she boasts about killing them herself. It’s no way for a civilized person to live.”
Stewart went on to label Palin’s autobiography “boring.” “How could it be otherwise?” Stewart rhetorically asked. “Does it have decorating tips? Does it have recipes? No, it’s just the typical right wing blather about freedom. What good is freedom if it’s wasted on the kind of life she’s led?”
Although she admitted she hadn’t read Palin’s book and vowed that she “couldn’t be paid enough to do so,” Stewart contended that “the throngs of mindless fans slavishly hanging on Palin’s every word represent a real danger to this country. Yes, Sarah Palin is a dangerous person and we can only hope that President Obama will take steps to save America from her baleful influence.”
Carter Calls Obama “Best President in My Lifetime”
In an interview for Nation magazine, former President Jimmy Carter says that current President Barack Obama is “the best in my lifetime, maybe the best this country has ever had.”
Key to the high praise was Carter’s assessment that “President Obama is the most brilliant man to ever have held the office. He is wise beyond the boundaries we normally observe for human beings. That is probably why his Administration is our nation’s most unprecedented in history.”
“Of course, being the first black man to be elected president has to rank as the most unprecedented accomplishment ever achieved by anyone in this country,” Carter opined. “No one else has ever done it. That he has cements the success of his Administration. If he does nothing else he will still rank among the greats.”
“Perhaps the most significant of his successes so far have been in foreign policy,” Carter went on. “He has humbled this country before foreign leaders in ways that none of his predecessors could ever dream of. It’s like he’s saying to the world, ‘America is ready to take a seat on the back of the bus.’ Which is kind of ironic, him being a black man and all. But still, he’s representing an essentially white nation and his bowing down before colored peoples is very symbolic and very encouraging. It’s not surprising he won the Nobel Peace Prize.”
“And let’s not forget the unprecedented trillions in deficit spending he has initiated,” Carter continued. “No predecessor would’ve dared be so profligate. Such a bold and dynamic step is pure genius.”
Carter concluded by urging that the Constitution be amended so that “the gift of Obama will keep on giving to future generations. It would be tragic for our laws to limit us to only eight years of rule by this superior being.”
Seals to Be Punished, Captive Released Says Obama Spokesman
Three US Navy Seals who effected the capture of a highly sought terrorist suspect are headed for court-martial. Meanwhile, the suspect, Ahmed Hashim Abed may have to be released under new Obama Administration guidelines for dealing with perpetrators of the inaptly renamed “man-caused disasters.”
The bizarre turn of events was set in motion by what Administration officials termed the “unnecessary roughness” displayed by the Seals during Abed’s capture last September. It appears that one of the Seals may have punched Abed and bloodied his lip.
“We have rules governing this sort of thing,” said Secretary of Defense Robert Gates. “Without rules there would be chaos and anarchy.”
Gates tried using an analogy to explain the otherwise inexplicable course mandated by the Administration’s rules. “It’s like having a football play nullified by an unnecessary roughness penalty,” Gates contended. “To let the apprehension stand would be condoning this type of behavior. It doesn’t take much imagination to see that this would only serve to escalate the level of violence on both sides.”
“It shouldn’t come as such a shock,” Gates observed. “Letting perps walk when the so-called ‘good guys’ break the rules is the way our society reins-in excessive zeal in law enforcement. We are merely extending this time-honored law enforcement model to our efforts to suppress the criminals we call terrorists. And getting a smack on the wrist will also remind the Seals to mind their manners during future operations.”
Pelosi Hints another Stimulus Bill on the Way
The anemic results of the first government “stimulus” bill are said to be inspiring talk of another one.
“There are nearly 16 million unemployed Americans,” complained House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif). “And this is after we approved a spending bill of over $700 billion. Every economist I’ve talked to says the problem is that the first stimulus package was too small.”
Pelosi cited the estimated cost per job created to bolster her case for an expanded stimulus package. “With a cost of nearly $500,000 per new job created, it should be obvious that $700 billion won’t get us very far toward our goal of full employment,” Pelosi said. “Even a more modest goal of halving the unemployment rate looks like it would require stimulus spending of around $4 trillion. So, I’d say we’ve got a lot of work to do in congress to get this economy moving again.”
The Speaker rejected suggestions that tax cuts along the lines pushed by President Reagan in the early 1980s might be a better option for growing the economy. “Cutting taxes leaves too much control in the hands of businesses,” Pelosi argued. “Only products and services that earn a profit would be able to expand. Those producing things that consumers don’t want would be left to the cruelty of the marketplace. This is not the kind of society the Democratic Party wants for America. Prosperity shouldn’t be narrowly restricted to those who are productive. That’s a warped and elitist perspective.”
Muslim Group Demands Right to Pray in School
The Council on American-Islamic Relations (CAIR) is demanding that the Lewiston (Maine) School District allow seventh-grader Nasra Aden to pray in school at the regularly designated times for Islamic daily prayers and in the regularly prescribed prostrated posture. The District has not been accommodating in-school prayers under the apprehension that prayers are not permitted in public schools.
CAIR said it cannot accept the District’s insistence that any praying be done silently and unobtrusively. “Islam is a very vocal faith,” CAIR spokesman, Runha Amuk said. “God commands that we praise him frequently and openly. To demand silence is an insult to every Muslim.”
Neither would CAIR be mollified by the District allowing the student to be picked up by her mother and taken off school grounds to pray. “Why should the Muslim be the one inconvenienced?” Amuk asked. “It may be cold or raining outside the school. If anyone should be shunted out of doors it should be the unbelievers whose very presence pollutes the school environment.”
Amuk further explained CAIR’s demand for special treatment not accorded to other religions was justified because “Islam is the one true faith. It is no offense to God that false faiths are rendered silent by school rules. But the suppression of Islamic prayer is forbidden. Muslims must rise up against these enemies of God and smite their necks.”
In order to avert potential violence, District officials are considering a compromise that would set aside a special prayer room where Ms. Aden could pray without the interference of other students.