By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
Analysis of the pending Obama Administration health care bill indicates that most taxpayers will end up paying more, yet get less medical care than they currently do under preexisting plans. This, however, is not a bad thing according to an Obama Administration spokesperson.
“An estimated 90% of visits to the doctor are unnecessary,” observed Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius. “By eliminating as many of these visits as we can, we will hold down the cost of care. We will also be reducing the frequency with which patients are injured by doctors. Most people aren’t aware that being treated by a doctor is the nation’s third leading cause of death. Only heart disease and cancer kill more people. By keeping more people out of this high risk zone through rationing, more lives will be saved.”
“At the same time, by levying higher taxes on the general population we will reduce the funds available for expenditures on items detrimental to their health,” she continued. “For example, if you have less money in your pocket you won’t be buying unnecessary food. Since the majority of our population is overweight, buying less food will improve their health.”
Sebelius pointed out that “studies of lab rats put on near starvation diets show that life expectancies actually increase. So, there’s a solid argument for trying to move Americans closer to this experimental ideal. If we can accomplish this by taxing people more we shouldn’t hesitate to take that bold step.”
In related news, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) characterized claims that the pending bill would authorize taxpayer funding for abortion as “false.” “The bill does not explicitly allocate any funding for abortion,” Pelosi said. “The bill merely empowers the Secretary of Health and Human Services to make that determination. The only abortions that will be funded are those that the Secretary approves.”
Geithner Defends Giving Wall Street Priority in Swine Flu Vaccinations
With less than half the doses estimated to be needed likely to actually be available, the government has set rules aimed at directing short supplies to those deemed most vulnerable. As expected, children and pregnant women top the publicized priority list. Unexpectedly, though, it has been disclosed that Wall Street bankers and brokers have also been allocated a share of the scarce supply.
U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner explained that “ordinary people can’t be expected to understand the strategic need for us to keep Wall Street up and running. Missing a single day’s trading because of the flu could cost a man millions and his firm billions in profits. These are not your average ‘Joe-six-pack’ guys making a couple hundred dollars a day that’s covered by sick leave. There’s real pain involved.”
“Besides, these Wall Street guys don’t necessarily get to keep all that money anyway,” Geithner added. “The ‘pay czar’ may be confiscating a large chunk of it. So, keeping these guys going nets more for the US Treasury.”
Zelaya Asks for U.S. Troops to Reinstate Him
Honduras’ deposed would-be “strongman,” Manuel Zelaya called on US President Obama to send troops to help him regain control of the Honduran government. Zelaya was president of Honduras until he was removed from office earlier this year by joint action of the country’s supreme court and legislature.
“Micheletti has pissed on the agreement we made to restore my power,” Zelaya angrily alleged. “He is going ahead with the scheduled elections without my approval. He has refused to include my proposed constitutional amendment to extend my term of office. A new government will be formed without my consent.”
Acting President Roberto Micheletti insists that Zelaya was asked to submit names of persons he would like to serve in the interim cabinet being formed to oversee the regularly scheduled election later this month. As for restoring Zelaya to power, Micheletti says “the congress has declined to approve this option—as is its prerogative under the agreement signed by Señor Zelaya.”
Zelaya argues that “I granted them no such prerogative. Even if the agreement seems to leave them that option, our unwritten understanding was that I would be placed back in charge of the government.”
To prevent what he called “the people’s republic from going down the drain,” Zelaya called upon “my good friend Barack Obama to send military forces to suppress this uprising against my authority.”
Ironically, the “uprising” is being carried out by Zelaya’s own Liberal Party—of which both he and Micheletti are members.
MSNBC Commentator Calls for End to Voter Terror
Left-wing news commentator for MSNBC Keith Olbermann declared voter demonstrations against the Administration’s health care bill “terrifying” and urged that “they be stopped in some way.” The remarks came in response to a massive rally in Washington this past Thursday by opponents of the health care bill originally slated for a vote in the House of Representatives on Saturday.
“Here are our duly elected members of Congress trying to do their job, trying to fix a broken health care system, when mobs of ignorant yahoos descend on them,” Olbermann complained. “How can we expect to govern the people of America when rabble rousers like Bachmann and Palin are allowed to stir up opposition like this?”
Representative Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.) had encouraged voters to “make a House call” to try to persuade their elected representatives to vote against the bill. Former Governor Sarah Palin (R-Alaska) has been an active Internet critic of the Obama health care plan.
Olbermann suggested that “active opposition to government policies could be confined to a more manageable ‘window’ within 60 days of an election—as called for by the campaign laws. I mean, what good are these laws if they can’t reduce criticism to tolerable levels? Whether we slap fines on these people or call out the troops, something’s got to be done to put and end to this type of terroristic tactic against the government.”
In related news, Senator Michael Bennet (D-Colo.) had several constituents arrested when they came to his office to offer their views on the health care bill. “This is not the proper venue for citizen input,” Bennet said. “The voters’ job is to elect the right man on election day. That job has already been done. Now it’s time for that right man—in this case, me—to do his job and vote for this legislation.” Bennet also offered the opinion that “as a senator I have the right to have anyone I want arrested for hampering me in the performance of my duties.”
Dems May Discipline Lieberman
Now that Senator Joe Lieberman (ID-Conn) has indicated he may vote against the President’s health care legislation his Democratic colleagues in the Senate are contemplating how to persuade him to come back into line with the Democratic Party’s position on the issue.
Senator Tom Harkin (D-Iowa) warned Lieberman that “bad things may happen to him if he can’t fully support the Democratic Party’s agenda. If he’s raising supposed ‘matters of conscience’ or placing his notion of duty to his constituents or the good of the nation ahead of loyalty to the Democratic Party, he should have to pay a price. Look, we have to draw the line somewhere if we hope to maintain control over policy.”
Possible sanctions that could be imposed on Lieberman are said to include stripping him of his chairmanship of the Senate Committee on Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs and rejecting any earmarks he submits.
“He only has the chair of that committee by our permission,” Harkins pointed out. “And he can’t expect to share in the distribution of pork-barrel spending if he won’t vote with us on important issues. Senator Lieberman is risking a whole array of senatorial privileges that he seems to take for granted.”
Labour Party’s Support for More Muslim Immigration May Have Bad End
Great Britain’s Labour (Socialist) Party program to ease restrictions on immigration from Pakistan may end up bringing more trouble than the government bargained for. While Party insiders saw the program as a way of ultimately boosting votes for the Party, some of these immigrants are agitating for the imposition of Islamic law on a society-wide basis.
Former Labour Home Secretary Jack Straw admitted “we sure didn’t see this coming. We thought these immigrants would eventually become citizens and, in gratitude for what we’d done for them, vote Socialist. The demand that sharia become the law of the land totally blindsided us.”
At first the Government hoped that granting Muslims the option of choosing to have sharia law applied to civil disputes among members of the Islamic faith would be sufficient to meet Muslim demands. But the demands have escalated to an insistence on its universal application.
“British society is depraved and ungodly,” said Muslim leader, Anjem Choudary. “The despicable behavior of the unbelievers is polluting the environment for the faithful. All must be cleansed.” Choudary has suggested that “the Queen set a good example by wearing the burkha when out in public.”
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