By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
Representative Alan Grayson (D-Fla) has filed a complaint with U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder demanding that a pesky critic of his be prosecuted. The critic is one Angie Langley—originator of a web site called “mycongressmanisnuts.com.”
“It’s a sad day for America when a nobody like Ms. Langley can harass a member of congress with impunity,” Grayson complained. “People should be taught respect for those of us who govern them. We shouldn’t have to endure the kind of round-the-clock mockery being dished out by the people who live under us.”
The basis for Grayson’s contention that Langley ought to go to jail is the fact that she does not live in his congressional district. “Calling her web site ‘mycongressmanisnuts’ is untrue and misleading,” Grayson complained. “She doesn’t even live in my district. Those who don’t live in the district shouldn’t be allowed to mislead the real constituents who do.”
Grayson insisted that his acceptance of campaign donations from persons who don’t live in the district is different. “Every legitimate candidate for office gets financial help from outside the district,” Grayson contended. “This is a normal part of the political process. But Langley is a rogue operating beyond the bounds of established procedures.”
The congressman insisted that only recognized candidates be permitted to criticize incumbent officeholders. “I can deal with opposing candidates on a level playing field,” Grayson said. “I can’t hit back at a non-candidate like Langley. She has nothing to gain. She’s invulnerable to anything I might throw at her. That’s unfair.”
GOP Request that Legislation Be Read Called “Obstructionist”
The idea that pending legislation ought to be read at least once before being enacted into law doesn’t seem too unreasonable. Nevertheless, a Republican request that a 700+ page amendment to the pending health care bill be read before the Senate votes on it was labeled “obstructionist” and blocked by the Democratic leadership.
“The size of the bills we are dealing with precludes this seemingly reasonable step,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev). “The amendment is over 700 pages. The main bill is over 2,000 pages. It would take days of our precious time to read these measures before we enact them.”
Reid emphasized that “it’s not as if no one is reading these things before we act on them. Key members of the Democratic staff and the lobbyists that write the bills we pass have read them. We need to have faith in their work and trust their judgment. Besides, it’s not as if Congress has the final say on any of this. Ultimately, the lawyers and the courts will tell us what we’ve passed after-the-fact.”
Iran Long Range Missile Test Successful
Ahmad Vahidi, Iran’s Minister of Defense, announced that the latest test of its Sajjil-2 missile was “a complete success. We will now be able to deliver the outputs of our peaceful nuclear development program to locations as far as 1900 kilometers away in a matter of minutes.”
Vahidi noted that “this should serve as a warning to the Zionist terrorists that their days are numbered. The continued Jewish occupation of Palestine is now untenable. Withdrawal or annihilation are the only remaining options for them.”
The Minister dismissed the possibility of an Israeli strike against Iran. “Muslims are not afraid of death,” Vahidi declared. “Paradise awaits all Muslims who fall in the battle against Satan. It is the Jew who must fear death. His shekels will do him no good in Hell.”
Bernanke Named Time Magazine’s “Person of the Year” for 2009
Time Magazine’s Managing Editor Richard Stengel announced that Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke has been named Time’s “Person of the Year” for 2009. Stengel cautioned that “this should not be considered an endorsement of either the man or his policies. After all, Time has previously named such dubious characters as Ronald Reagan and George Bush as its ‘person of the year.’” Even more dubious awards have gone to Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, and Ayatollah Khomeini.
Prof Says “Deniers” Distort Climate Memos
In a Washington Post op ed, Penn State University Professor Michael Mann insisted that “Palin and other global warming deniers have distorted the content” of the e-mails from the British University of East Anglia’s Climate Research Unit.
“Ms. Palin and her ilk are pulling words out of context to create the impression that global warming is a hoax,” Mann said. “She is merely broadcasting her ignorance of scientific terminology in pursuit of a political agenda bent on preventing governments from exercising the necessary control to avert climate catastrophe.”
Among the “scientific terms” Governor Palin is said to have misconstrued are the words “bogus,” “misleading,” and “cooked” numbers. “These are very valid terms in the proper context,” Mann argued. “Those who aren’t scientists cannot be expected to understand that these words may describe techniques that have been widely accepted in the academic community as necessary in the struggle to obtain grant funding.”
“Confounding or contradictory data could prove deadly to the fate of a funding request,” Mann continued. “Cooking the numbers, suppressing nonconforming evidence and misleading prospective donors are minor transgressions compared to the alternative of tapped-out funding.”
Federal Stimulus Spending Favors Democrats
An analysis performed by the Mercatus Center at George Mason University in Virginia found that funds from the “stimulus legislation” bore no correlation to economic need. That is, sections of the country with the highest unemployment weren’t favored over sections that are relatively better off.
The analysis indicated that a better predictor of where federal money would be spent was whether the location had a Democrat representing it in Congress. Congressional districts that elected a Democrat received twice as much stimulus money as districts electing a Republican.
White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel defended the discrepancy as “good politics.” “You know elections have consequences,” Emanuel asserted. “It needs to be clear to voters that who they vote for will affect their future. They need to remember this whenever they go into the voting booth.”
Emanuel also pointed out that “there’s historical precedent for distributing spending based on political considerations. Under FDR, government aid was channeled to areas where ensuring support for the Democratic Party was most strategically beneficial. What may seem unfair based on a concept of need actually serves the greater long term good of bolstering the political security of the Administration.”
Arkansas Senator Advances Her Theory of Governance
In response to questions about the Constitutional authorization for requiring Americans to purchase health insurance, Senator Blanche Lincoln (D-Ark) advanced an in loco parentis concept of the role of government.
“It is our government’s responsibility to safeguard the health and welfare of its citizens,” Lincoln explained. “I like to think that America is like one big family. We in congress are like the parents who are charged with looking out for all the members of this family.”
The Senator compared complaints about the proposed health care legislation to children’s objections to being told to eat their vegetables, to brush their teeth, or to go to bed. “You may not like being told what to do, but it’s for your own good,” Lincoln said. “Like your parents, government is smarter and more knowledgeable than you are. It just makes sense to let these wiser heads tend to the needs of all.”
Franken Justifies Slighting Lieberman
Newly seated Senator Al Franken (D-Minn) caused a stir in Congress’ upper chamber when, as temporary presiding officer, he denied Senator Joe Lieberman (I-Conn) an additional 30 seconds to complete his remarks in a speech before the body. Granting small amounts of added time is considered part of the normal senatorial courtesy the members accord one another.
Franken said the decision to get tough with Lieberman came from Senate Majority Harry Reid (D-Nev). “Harry told me that Lieberman has been a pain in the ass for too long,” Franken alleged. “He didn’t back the Democratic Party’s nominee for president. Now that he’s balking over the health care bill he’s totally useless.”
The decision to get petty may have backfired, though. Lieberman had announced that he was ready to support the health care bill, but suddenly left town to escape being trapped in DC by a blizzard heading into the city.
Reid attributed this turn of events to “the amateurish stupidity of a freshman senator. I suppose it’s my fault for letting a comedian hold the gavel, even if it was only for a few minutes while I used the rest room.”