By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News 

The plan to place a pro-life ad amongst the parade of beer commercials that traditionally have dominated the advertising sponsors of the televised Super Bowl has stirred supporters of abortion to oppose its broadcast. In the ad, Heisman Trophy-winning college quarterback, Tim Tebow tells the story of how his mother chose to give him life after doctors advised her to abort him. 

Feminist lawyer Gloria Allred has urged Les Moonves, President and Chief Executive Officer of CBS, to block the because it is “misleading.” “The implication that any fetus saved from being aborted will grow up to be a valuable person is about as far from the truth as you can get,” Allred asserted. “The vast majority of abortions prevent unwanted births that would otherwise ruin the lives of everyone involved. The vast majority of women contemplating an abortion should not be allowed to be dissuaded by such blatantly biased propaganda.”

Allred’s take was buttressed by Joy Behar on the ABC TV show, The View. Behar belittled Tebow’s pitch for life, characterizing his story as “improbable.” “Any woman who foregoes an abortion on the chance that her child would live a worthwhile life is bucking the odds,” Behar contended. “It’s more likely the child would grow up a racist or pedophile. We shouldn’t be promoting advertisements that distort this reality.”

Jehmu Greene, President of Women’s Media Center, called the proposed ad “a thinly veiled attempt to subjugate women to a patriarchal agenda. They’re saying that being a mother is a better choice than having an abortion. Well, being a mother exposes a woman to a lifetime of obligations that an abortion would avert. Pressuring women to accept these obligations with a high-profile ad is a manifestation of the kind of male-dominated culture our organization has been fighting. The fact that the ad is slated for a football game—a male-centered form of entertainment—reveals, I think, their true objective.”

A statement from the National Organization for Women (NOW) reminded that “we shouldn’t allow women to be influenced by this one exceptional case. There’s a greater chance that a woman could end up the mother of a severely handicapped child, like former Republican vice-presidential candidate and Alaska governor, Sarah Palin did. The proposed ad conceals this truth. It is unfit for TV.”

Homeland Security Announces Major Arrest

Department of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Nappertaliano announced that “our efforts against terror have taken a significant step forward with the arrest of James O’Keefe and his accomplices in Louisiana this past week.”

O’Keefe is the journalist who gained notoriety last September for exposing corruption in the offices of Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now (ACORN). He and three associates were arrested in the Louisiana office of Senator Mary Landrieu (D-La) and accused of attempting to “bug” the Senator’s phone lines.

“Based on his past activities, it is clear that Mr. O’Keefe represents a real threat to the government of the United States,” Nappertaliano said. “His defamation of ACORN, an organization of crucial importance to the success of President Obama’s agenda and continuation in office, helped put him on our Department’s radar screen. Now that we actually have him in custody, I think we can all rest a lot easier.”

The Secretary gave a public demonstration of the reassuring comfort the arrest has provided as she was observed dozing in her seat at President Obama’s “State of the Union” speech on Wednesday.

Senator Calls for Censure of Supreme Court Justice

Senator Russ Feingold (D-Wis.) called for a sharp rebuke of Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito’s behavior at the “State of the Union” address given by President Barack Obama. During the President’s remarks characterizing a recent Supreme Court decision as a threat to democracy, Justice Alito was observed to be shaking his head and silently mouthing the words “not true.”

“President Obama is the one who was elected by the people to rule this country,” Feingold said. “Obstructing the governance of this country through bad judicial decisions or by letting himself be seen publicly disagreeing with the president is the type of thing my legislation was devised to control.”

Feingold admitted that “we don’t have the votes to impeach Alito. That takes a two-thirds vote of the Senate and Republicans are sure to block that.” But held that “a censure vote only requires a majority.” The Senator said he hoped that “the public condemnation of a censure would give average people the moral support they need in order to carry out the President’s call for them to ‘get in the faces of those who oppose my agenda for change and let them know they won’t get away with it.’”

Senator Feingold’s feelings on this issue run strong. It was the McCain-Feingold Bill’s ban on independent advocacy expenditures that the Supreme Court decision invalidated. “Because of Alito and others on the Court, anyone can say anything about any public official whenever they want,” Feingold complained. “Candidates now will have no protection from unauthorized criticisms in the key weeks running up to election day. We’ve lost control of the election process. It’s a sad day for America.”

In related news, fresh from a private briefing with President Obama, international investor and major lobbyist/financier for liberal political causes, George Soros, announced that he would head up efforts “to bury the opponents of President Obama with a blizzard of campaign dollars, just like we did in the 2008 election. Let’s see if the Court’s ruling will enable the so-called ‘independent’ enemies of the President can match us.”

New York Times Chides Sarkozy

The editors of the New York Times newspaper chastised French President Nicolas Sarkozy for sponsoring legislation that would outlaw facial coverings in public. Sarkozy’s ban has been applauded by some French Muslim women, but has been criticized by Muslim leaders, who say it could provoke Muslim men to violence.

The Times editors derided Sarkozy’s measure as “intolerant and insensitive.” “Covering the female body is an essential tenet of devout Islamic belief,” the editors wrote. “Prohibiting it tramples on the freedom to practice one’s religion as one sees fit. It is just as wrong as banning female circumcision or arresting Muslim men for disciplining their wives. We cannot rightfully impose Western values on the rest of the world. We must respect the right of others to live as they please.”

The editors explicitly rejected arguments based on “the imagined oppression of women said to be taking place under Islamic law. From what we hear, most of the women who wear burqas express gratitude to their husbands for enforcing the Islamic laws that ensure women’s purity.”

Neither should we accept that public safety warrants the ban, say the editors. “We acknowledge that the burqa may be used to conceal weapons or explosives that are then smuggle into public places for intended violent actions,” the editors conceded. “But just as covering women is sacred to Islam, so, too, is making war on infidels. Tolerating these beliefs is a price we must be willing to pay to preserve our belief in freedom of religion.”

Jesse Jackson Offers Plan to Revive Economy

Saying that President Obama hasn’t been audacious enough, a dark-skinned former presidential aspirant with a distinctively Negro dialect, Jesse Jackson, proffered what he called “a simple plan for a free man.”

Jackson’s simple plan urged the President to “forget about the deficit. It’s just a number. The real solution is for people to have enough money to buy what they need. The government is uniquely empowered to supply this money.”

The gist of Jackson’s proposal is for the government to create money and give it out to those who are unemployed. “If a man has money in his pocket being unemployed won’t hurt,” Jackson argued. “He could buy food, pay the rent, and have something left over for fun.”

A byproduct of his plan, according to Jackson, is that it would help reduce health care costs. “Working is a source of stress,” Jackson observed. “Traveling to work also exposes a person to risk of a crash. If people could be assured of an income without having to work these causes of medical expenses would be eliminated.”

“If everyone currently unemployed were given the median income—about $40,000/year—the cost of my plan would only be $600 billion a year,” Jackson estimated. “This is less than we’re spending on the various stimulus packages right now. So, it’s definitely doable.”

Jackson said “if my plan goes well it could eventually be expanded to cover everyone in America. Then everyone would be ensured of a decent standard of living AND have a lot more free time to spend with family and friends once the need to go to a daily job is eliminated. I think this is the change President Obama intended and one that everyone who voted for him believed in.”

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By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News 

After declaring that “being President can drive you crazy,” Barack Obama is determined to return to what he says he does best—campaign for office. His first stop was in Ohio.

In a speech to cheering supporters, Obama alternately blamed former President George Bush and Congress for the failure of his proposed government overhaul of the health industry. “Mr. Bush made the country sick, but Drs. Pelosi and Reid couldn’t get their act together behind my cure,” Obama complained. Despite these difficulties, he pledged to “stay the course for hope and change.”

One idea said to be under consideration is for the President to enact healthcare reform by Executive Order. The need for Congressional approval of funding would be bypassed by using as yet unspent “stimulus” money. “Where there’s a will, there’s a way,” Obama declared. “If Congress lacks the will to act on this crucial matter, as Commander-in-Chief, I shall direct my Secretary of Health and Human Services to move forward using the stimulus funds, which, I am told by my legal advisors, can be spent on anything we want.”

The President also urged voters not to forget the significant progress already made on the economy. “The transformation of our economy from one that is under the thumb of private greed to one that is under the guidance of social conscience is well underway,” Obama boasted. “We are making government the senior partner in deciding how resources are allocated in the financial and automotive industries. Pursuit of profit will have to take a backseat to serving the human needs outlined by my Administration.”

The impact of the Obama Administration’s efforts to institute more social control over the economy in Ohio are not promising. Ohio’s unemployment rate is nearly 11% and almost 14% have incomes below the federal poverty level.

In related news, for the first time since the index of economic freedom was devised, the US has dropped from the top tier (free) to the second tier (mostly free). Dragging down the US score were poor results in government spending, fiscal freedom, and corruption. Obama’s Press Secretary Robert Gibbs denigrated the significance of the results saying “economic freedom isn’t something we monitor. It’s not on the President’s ‘to do’ list.”

Supreme Court Decision on Free Speech Denounced

The US Supreme Court’s 5-4 ruling that the government may not restrict what or when individuals and organizations may spend to voice their opinions was roundly denounced by leading Democrats. The decision came in a case in which the producers of a film critical of Hillary Clinton had been barred from showing the film during the period before the 2008 election.

President Obama charged that “the Court’s decision is an invitation to unconstrained criticism of candidates for public office. The measured give-and-take of candidates debating each other over how to govern will now be polluted by heckling from outsiders who have no direct role in our government.”

Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY) rued that “it will be open season on those of us trying to run this country. Candidates can rebut opposing candidates, but how do you hit back at a private citizen who isn’t even running for office?”

Schumer dismissed contentions that existing libel and slander laws should be sufficient to deter unwarranted attacks on candidates. “Libel and slander laws only penalize the making of false statements that damage another person,” Schumer said. “True statements can be even more damaging if their disclosure is inopportunely timed—as would’ve been the case with the Hillary Clinton film that was the basis of this case. Those of us who have put ourselves on the line as public servants need more protection than these laws can provide.”

President Asks Media to Leave Meeting with Mayors

Members of the media that were videotaping the President’s meeting with a group of mayors at the White House were asked to leave after President Barack Obama had completed his prepared remarks.

“Giving scripted remarks is one thing,” the President said. “The give-and-take of the Q & A portion of the meeting is entirely different. People may say things that they’d prefer not be transmitted to the general public.”

The President contended that “we can’t really expect honesty from these mayors if they have to worry that their words may reach an unintended audience. And while we are confident that reporters who write about the meeting can be trusted to be discreet, it is harder to control the slant in an actual video of the event.”

Nude Pose May Yet Block Brown from Taking Senate Seat

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) is reportedly “very uncomfortable” with the idea of newly elected Senator Scott Brown (R-Mass) “sitting amongst us in the Senate.” The reason: in 1982, Brown posed nude for Cosmo magazine.

“The people expect that Senators will exhibit only the highest levels of decorum and integrity,” Reid said. “I’m not sure that Scott Brown lives up to this expectation.”

Reid pointed out that “each chamber of Congress is responsible for deciding whether a person shall be accepted into the body. So, we could vote not to seat Brown if we feel that doing so would diminish the respect voters have for all of us.”

The Majority leader brushed aside criticisms that Congress has accepted tax cheats among its ranks and as appointees to the Executive Branch. “Everybody cheats on their taxes,” Reid argued. “Why should we single out those who get caught and exclude them from government?”

Reid also rejected the late Senator Ted Kennedy’s questionable behavior in the death of Mary Jo Kopechne being used as a standard of reference for how low the body might stoop regarding the quality of its membership, calling such comparisons “unfair and unkind considering the illustrious legislative record Senator Kennedy compiled in the years following that unfortunate tragedy.”

In related news, MSNBC pundit Keith Olbermann urged that the special election vote for Brown be overturned due to its implicitly racist overtones. “Here we have America’s first African-American President politely asking Massachusetts voters to send Martha Coakley to the Senate to help him pass healthcare,” Olbermann said. “But exit polls showed that the majority of Massachusetts’ white voters dissed the President’s request. We can’t let white voters in one state impede the policies of a black man elected by a majority of the voters in America.”

Chavez Says Haiti Earthquake a Result of US Attack

Venezuelan leader and noted loony, Hugo Chavez is claiming that the earthquake that devastated Haiti was caused by a United States attack using a new secret weapon called a “cavitron.” Chavez said he learned of this weapon when his intelligence service secured a copy of a secret report revealing its existence.

“This attack on innocent people is further evidence of the diabolical motives of the United States,” Chavez maintained. “There are even reports that American Red Cross workers now in Haiti are armed with hand-held cavitrons with which to further subdue the survivors.” Chavez called for “the progressive forces of the world to unite against this great Satan before its evil plan for world domination can be implemented.”

The “report” the Venezuelan Secret Service purloined for Chavez is actually a novel called State of Fear by Michael Crichton. In the novel, eco-terrorists use a “cavitron” to cause an underwater earthquake and tidal wave. In real life, a cavitron is a device used by dentists to clean teeth.

Iraq‘s ‘Chemical Ali’ Sentence to Death for Forth Time

Ali Hassan al-Majid, the infamous Saddam Hussein henchman known as “chemical Ali” for his favorite method of murdering people, was sentenced to death by an Iraqi court. This is the forth such death sentence he has received since the fall of Hussein’s government in 2003.

The death sentence left Ali unfazed. “It was Saddam’s misfortune to commit one big crime,” he wryly observed. “I have committed so many individual and discrete murders at so many different times and places that I think I’ll probably die of old age before they can convict me of all of them.”

He may be right as many charges against him are still in the Iraqi court’s pipeline.

White House Parties to Boost Morale, Says Gibbs

Press Secretary Robert Gibbs defended the White House’s heavy schedule of entertainment as a “morale booster for the American people.” There have been over 100 parties so far. Far more than any previous Administration.

“Look, even if times are tough on a lot of people it can be reassuring for them to know that their President is still able to maintain a robust schedule of affairs at the White House,” Gibbs asserted. “Historically, citizens have always lived vicariously through their leaders. Perhaps even more importantly, though, this spending is helping to stimulate demand during the economic slowdown. Ultimately, this will benefit everyone.”

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By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News 

Massachusetts’ largest newspaper, the Boston Globe, urged voters to elect Attorney General Martha Coakley (D) to the senate seat vacated by the death of Senator Ted Kennedy last Fall.

The paper characterized the Republican candidate for the seat, state senator Scott Brown, as “an enemy of the Obama Administration and, by inference, an enemy of the hope and change themes of our newly elected President. The challenging times in which we live call for audacity, a quality possessed in great measure by the late Senator Kennedy.”

“While it is true that Attorney General Coakley, unlike like Senator Kennedy, hasn’t had to sacrifice anyone’s life, she has helped subject an innocent man to nearly two decades of imprisonment for a crime he did not commit,” the editors wrote. “This demonstrates a willingness and ability—the audacity, if we may say so—to do a difficult deed in order to attain the power necessary to promote a progressive agenda. Mr. Brown has nothing in his background indicating he would live up to this Kennedy legacy.”

Charles Pierce, writing for the Boston Globe Magazine, sought to remind voters that “the drowning death of Mary Jo Kopechne transformed Senator Kennedy from an irresponsible playboy into a champion for the underclasses. There is no doubt in my mind that Ms. Kopechne would be proud that the sacrifice of her life enabled Senator Kennedy to craft legislation that would have comforted her in her old age, had she lived.”

Cape Cod Today derided Brown as “an anti-candidate.” “We know what he’s against,” the editors wrote. “He’s against wasteful spending. He’s against higher taxes. He’s against the Islamic terrorists. He’s against social control of healthcare. But what is he for?”

“In contrast to Brown’s knee-jerk anti-government approach, Ms. Coakley keeps a more open mind on these same issues,” the editors pointed out. “She’s willing to consider whether deficit spending and high taxes may be needed to alleviate the maldistribution of society’s wealth. She’s willing to contemplate whether the focus on Islamic terrorists is a racist diversion from the much larger threat of right-wing terror from gun-nuts and anti-abortionists. And, perhaps most importantly, especially at this juncture, she stands with President Obama in his bid to wrest control over healthcare from an anarchic status quo and place it under social control.”

Obama Press Secretary Discounts Possibility of Brown Win in Massachusetts

Obama’s Press Secretary Robert Gibbs says his boss isn’t worried about polls showing that voters favor the Republican candidate, Scott Brown, over his Democratic opponent, Martha Coakley, for the Massachusetts senate seat formerly held by Ted Kennedy.

“Polls don’t decide anything,” Gibbs declared. “It is those who count the votes who decide the outcome.”

Gibbs pointed out that “having a Democrat in charge of overseeing the tabulation of the votes will ensure that the late Senator Kennedy’s seat will not be stolen by underhanded Republican trickery. In fact, the President will meet with key Democrats in Massachusetts on Sunday to help make sure they don’t forget this.”

Chavez Calls on Citizens to “Expropriate the Expropriators”

Venezuela announced a devaluation of its currency ranging from 17% to 50% depending on a complex formula to be determined by the government. The lowered purchasing power of the currency will make replacement of existing business inventories more expensive and effectively expropriates a portion of all fixed dollar assets, like savings accounts, annuities, bonds, and pensions.

Following his announced devaluation of his nation’s currency, Venezuela President Hugo Chavez warned businesses that “any attempt to adjust prices to prevent losses from the devaluation are forbidden.” To help enforce his policy, Chavez asked citizens to “monitor businesses and take action to punish those who attempt to undermine my authority.” “We will expropriate the expropriators,” Chavez boasted.

“We will rely on vigilante justice as our first line of defense,” Chavez said. “Those who would thwart the will of the people by raising prices forfeit all claim to the goods in their possession. Citizens are empowered to seize the goods of the offending businesses and distribute them as socialist principles decree. Physical resistance may be met by such force as deemed necessary by those carrying out the seizures.”

NYC Mayor Proposes Blocking Consumer Access to Salt

Arguing that “a loving parent wouldn’t allow her child to eat asbestos or smoke cigarettes, so why should she allow him to eat salt?” New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg is proposing banning consumer access to salt in restaurants.

“Doctors all agree that salt is bad for us,” Bloomberg contended. “Yet, like disobedient children, too many of us can’t resist reaching for the salt shaker. For our own good, this has to be stopped.”

Admitting that “control over household use of salt is beyond our grasp given current technology,” Bloomberg said his plan is to “focus on food consumed in public places and served by licensed professionals.”

Under Bloomberg’s proposed plan, restaurants would be prohibited from allowing customers to apply salt on their own. “This means no salt shakers on the tables and no salt packets in bins at fast food joints,” he said. “Only chefs will be permitted to apply a closely regulated quantity that is deemed essential for food preparation. Pop inspections and paid informants will be deployed to make certain regulated limits are not breached.”

“Once we get restaurant consumption under control, we can think about ways to deal with home consumption,” Bloomberg added. “Whether that involves pop inspections and informants or a ban on the retail sale of salt is still up in the air.”

Reid Defends Accuracy of Remarks, Refuses General Apology

Under fire in some quarters for remarks many consider to have been racially insensitive, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) refused to make a general apology and defended the accuracy of what he said.

“Look, events have borne out the astuteness of my observation,” Reid argued. “Barack, a light-skinned African-American with no Negro dialect was elected president. Darker-skinned men with buffoonish dialects were not. I think that pretty well substantiates how on-target my observations were.”

It is believed that the darker-skinned individuals to whom Senator Reid was referring include Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson. Both men unsuccessfully sought the presidency.

Reid insisted that he has “already apologized to the only person who matters. I mean, I could’ve cost him the election if this news had come out when I originally made the comment. Thankfully, the media withheld it until the danger had passed.”

Last weekend, Reid apologized to President Obama. The president accepted the apology.

China Mulls Options for Dealing with Gender Imbalance

The Chinese government’s one-child per family policy has produced an imbalance between the sexes born over the last generation. Chinese culture heavily favors male offspring. This has resulted in the abortion of over 20 million female fetuses. It is now projected that over 20 million Chinese men of the upcoming generation will be unable to find wives. Government officials are now pondering remedies.

Outlawing abortions is not considered a viable option since the government needs to use abortions to enforce the one-child policy. It also would fail to address the existing imbalance. Discussion has focused on two alternate approaches that have been dubbed “liberal” and “traditional.”

Under the liberal option, Chinese men would be encouraged to seek out “unconventional” sex partners. Advocate of the liberal approach, Minister of Education Gai Manchu urges that “alternative lifestyles could form the foundation for resolving the disparity. Destigmatizing homosexuality would enable male-to-male attachments that could meet sexual needs in the face of the shortage of females. Further, the lack of offspring from these attachments would amplify the effectiveness of our population control efforts.”

The traditional option rejects homosexuality as “an affront to China’s cultural heritage.” “The imbalance would be better handled by castrating the surplus males,” argued Minister of Defense No Dong-Now. “Eunuchs have a long and storied history in our country. Some of our fiercest warriors have been eunuchs. Unlike the liberal option, the threat of sexually transmitted diseases would be nonexistent. And the detached biological material can be reprocessed for fertilizer—boosting our agricultural output.”

The Chinese government’s Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao sagely observed that “the resolution of our dilemma does not require one all-or-nothing choice. Both the liberal and traditional approaches can be implemented simultaneously. We do, after all, have more than 20 million units of human resource to work with.”

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By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News 

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Nipplitaliano says that her agency’s ability to protect Americans from “man-caused disasters” is being hampered by “an unexpected display of fanaticism and determination by the al-Qaeda organization. We’ve offered leniency, monetary incentives—the types of things that have traditionally worked for prosecutors dealing with even the most hardened of criminals—without success. It’s like these people would rather blow themselves up than make a deal with us.”

The Obama Administration’s “law enforcement” approach to dealing with Muslim terrorists looks like it will be more complicated than anticipated. Umar Farouk AbdulMutallab, the individual caught in the act of allegedly attempting to set off a bomb during a Christmas Day flight to Detroit, has pled “not guilty.” AbdulMutallab’s lawyers are now claiming their client is an innocent victim.

“Mr. AbdulMutallab was duped,” said his attorney, Adlai Forcash. “He had a particularly severe case of jock itch and was told that the balm he was given to put in his underwear would be more effective if he applied heat. He was engaged in an effort to apply heat when he was assaulted by a fellow passenger and sustained serious injury to his testicles. These damages, as well as the slanderous allegations that he is a terrorist will form the basis of a multimillion dollar lawsuit against Northwest Airlines, his assailant, and the media that have completely misrepresented the event.”

Attorney General Eric Holder belittled the threat of a lawsuit and expressed confidence that his office would be “successful in whittling down the amount we have to pay Mr. AbdulMutallab for his losses.”

Press Secretary Rebuffs “Nosy” Media

Complaints from CBS News’ Mark Knoller that President Obama hasn’t taken any questions from the media since July of 2009 sparked a sharp rebuke from Press Secretary Robert Gibbs.

“The President doesn’t really have to answer anyone’s questions, Mr. Knoller,” Gibbs asserted. “He is, after all, the ruler of this country at least until January of 2013. I think he’s been quite generous with his time for the media. You’ve seen him golfing, you’ve seen him surfing, you’ve seen him play basketball—all within the past two weeks—what more do you need?”

“If there’s anything that the President feels you need to know, he’ll tell you,” Gibbs added. “I mean, you’ve got to admit that he knows more about what you need to know than you do. Patience is what’s called for, not nosy prying into matters beyond the media’s or the voters’ expertise.”

In related news, C-Span was denied permission to provide coverage of the House/Senate reconciliation negotiations on the healthcare legislation. “There’s already been too much coverage,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif). “Voters are getting stirred up the enemies of progressive change. More exposure at this stage could sabotage the bill’s chances.”

Dems Say More Jobs on the Way

In an effort to offset December’s uninspiring employment numbers—more jobs lost than gained, unemployment still at 10% (officially) and 17% (unofficially: counting those who’ve given up looking for work)—key Democrats announced plans to boost employment.

President Barack Obama boasted that his “green jobs” initiative is expected to create up to 17,000 jobs at a cost of “only” $2.3 billion. “We are putting people back to work in an environmentally friendly way,” he said. “This is the path to a brighter future for us all.”

The viability of the President’s plan was cast into doubt by the $135,000 cost per job. There are currently over 15 million officially unemployed (about 25 million if we add in the unofficially unemployed). At “green job” rates, it would cost more than $2 trillion to absorb the officially unemployed and more than $3 trillion if we include the unofficially unemployed.

Obama brushed off the daunting fiscal calculations as “excessively anal. This isn’t about numbers. It’s about saving the planet and helping people. We should be willing to spend whatever it takes.”

Meanwhile, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) projected that “passage of the heathcare bill will create up to 400,000 new jobs every year for the next decade. There will be jobs devising the new forms that have to be prepared. There will be jobs filling out the new forms. There will be jobs reviewing the forms and deciding whether the proposed treatments are warranted. There will be jobs on panels set up to hear appeals from decisions made regarding treatments requested on the forms. There will be jobs at the IRS collecting the new fees and taxes. There will be jobs prosecuting those who fail to comply with the new rules. And there will be jobs for those who must guard those sent to prison by the courts for refusing to comply. So, aside from the health benefits, passage of our bill will also stimulate the economy.”

Air Security System to Be Tightened Further

Though the air security system allowed an Islamic terrorist to board a plane and nearly succeed in blowing it up over Detroit on Christmas Day, Obama Administration officials say it is basically sound. White House counterterrorism chief John Brennan emphasized that “only one flight on one day was endangered. Over 99% of flights were safe. I’d call that a pretty good record.”

The fact Umar Farouk AbdulMutallab slipped past several barriers already in place—he was on the terrorist watch list, he had no passport, he had no luggage, he paid cash for his ticket, and was not scanned at either of two airports he passed through—the Administration is going ahead with the creation of new barriers. Scanners that penetrate clothing will be installed at more airports. On top of this “random” body-cavity searches will be performed at the discretion of TSA officers.

“Too many travelers have been mocking our inspection of lotions and complaining about having to take off their shoes,” Brennan said. “Let’s see how bold people are when they realize they can be disrobed and probed if TSA officers on the scene order it. I think this will mute a lot of the on-site criticism that’s been directed at our procedures by airline passengers.”

In related news, the Department of Homeland Security announced that in the event of a biological attack, the distribution of antidotes and antitoxins would be handled by the US Post Office. To help ensure that these antidotes and antitoxins don’t fall into the wrong hands, delivery will be via Certified Mail—requiring addressees to sign for the packages.

Reid Warns Massachusetts Voters against Sending Brown to Senate

Worried by polls indicating that the Republican candidate for the seat previously held by the late Senator Ted Kennedy might win the January 19^th special election, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) strongly urged Massachusetts voters to “think twice before they make such a big mistake.”

“It would be unconscionable for the seat held for 40 years by the inestimable Senator Kennedy to be allowed to pass to an enemy of everything he stood for,” Reid declared. “Massachusetts is a progressive state, always has been, always will be. Scott Brown is the antithesis of a progressive. He has no business running in this state. His election would be an insult to Kennedy’s memory.”

Reid held forth the prospect that the Senate could refuse to seat Brown in the unlikely event that voters give him the nod. “Each House of Congress is Constitutionally empowered to be the judge of the qualifications for all of its members,” Reid pointed out. “Brown is too conservative to be qualified to represent a state like Massachusetts. Democrats hold the majority in the Senate. We could vote not to seat him.”

In the event that Reid and the Democrats were to carry out the threat not to seat Brown, “Massachusetts would continue to be represented by Governor Deval Patrick’s appointee, Paul Kirk, until such a time as the voters elect a satisfactory replacement,” Reid suggested.

Obama Official Defends Diverting CIA Resources from Terrorists to Track Global Warming

Despite the narrowly averted murder of 300 airline passengers by a Muslim terrorist on Christmas, CIA Director Leon Panetta defended the Obama Administration shift of CIA assets to tracking global warming.

“As Al Gore has pointed out, global warming is a greater danger to humanity than any actions terrorists might take,” Panetta said. “Terrorists might kill thousands or even millions, but global warming could kill billions.”

Panetta admitted that “terrorists might succeed in overthrowing our way of life, but we could always learn to adapt to a different way of life. Everyone agrees that Islam is a religion of peace. Maybe it is our resistance to it that is responsible for the violence. Once that issue is resolved, the violence should abate.”

“However, we won’t have a chance to adapt to a new way of life if we allow global warming to destroy the Earth,” Panetta continued. “To help try to prevent this disaster, I agree with the President that it is appropriate that we reallocate the CIA’s efforts.”

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