By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
After declaring that “being President can drive you crazy,” Barack Obama is determined to return to what he says he does best—campaign for office. His first stop was in Ohio.
In a speech to cheering supporters, Obama alternately blamed former President George Bush and Congress for the failure of his proposed government overhaul of the health industry. “Mr. Bush made the country sick, but Drs. Pelosi and Reid couldn’t get their act together behind my cure,” Obama complained. Despite these difficulties, he pledged to “stay the course for hope and change.”
One idea said to be under consideration is for the President to enact healthcare reform by Executive Order. The need for Congressional approval of funding would be bypassed by using as yet unspent “stimulus” money. “Where there’s a will, there’s a way,” Obama declared. “If Congress lacks the will to act on this crucial matter, as Commander-in-Chief, I shall direct my Secretary of Health and Human Services to move forward using the stimulus funds, which, I am told by my legal advisors, can be spent on anything we want.”
The President also urged voters not to forget the significant progress already made on the economy. “The transformation of our economy from one that is under the thumb of private greed to one that is under the guidance of social conscience is well underway,” Obama boasted. “We are making government the senior partner in deciding how resources are allocated in the financial and automotive industries. Pursuit of profit will have to take a backseat to serving the human needs outlined by my Administration.”
The impact of the Obama Administration’s efforts to institute more social control over the economy in Ohio are not promising. Ohio’s unemployment rate is nearly 11% and almost 14% have incomes below the federal poverty level.
In related news, for the first time since the index of economic freedom was devised, the US has dropped from the top tier (free) to the second tier (mostly free). Dragging down the US score were poor results in government spending, fiscal freedom, and corruption. Obama’s Press Secretary Robert Gibbs denigrated the significance of the results saying “economic freedom isn’t something we monitor. It’s not on the President’s ‘to do’ list.”
Supreme Court Decision on Free Speech Denounced
The US Supreme Court’s 5-4 ruling that the government may not restrict what or when individuals and organizations may spend to voice their opinions was roundly denounced by leading Democrats. The decision came in a case in which the producers of a film critical of Hillary Clinton had been barred from showing the film during the period before the 2008 election.
President Obama charged that “the Court’s decision is an invitation to unconstrained criticism of candidates for public office. The measured give-and-take of candidates debating each other over how to govern will now be polluted by heckling from outsiders who have no direct role in our government.”
Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY) rued that “it will be open season on those of us trying to run this country. Candidates can rebut opposing candidates, but how do you hit back at a private citizen who isn’t even running for office?”
Schumer dismissed contentions that existing libel and slander laws should be sufficient to deter unwarranted attacks on candidates. “Libel and slander laws only penalize the making of false statements that damage another person,” Schumer said. “True statements can be even more damaging if their disclosure is inopportunely timed—as would’ve been the case with the Hillary Clinton film that was the basis of this case. Those of us who have put ourselves on the line as public servants need more protection than these laws can provide.”
President Asks Media to Leave Meeting with Mayors
Members of the media that were videotaping the President’s meeting with a group of mayors at the White House were asked to leave after President Barack Obama had completed his prepared remarks.
“Giving scripted remarks is one thing,” the President said. “The give-and-take of the Q & A portion of the meeting is entirely different. People may say things that they’d prefer not be transmitted to the general public.”
The President contended that “we can’t really expect honesty from these mayors if they have to worry that their words may reach an unintended audience. And while we are confident that reporters who write about the meeting can be trusted to be discreet, it is harder to control the slant in an actual video of the event.”
Nude Pose May Yet Block Brown from Taking Senate Seat
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) is reportedly “very uncomfortable” with the idea of newly elected Senator Scott Brown (R-Mass) “sitting amongst us in the Senate.” The reason: in 1982, Brown posed nude for Cosmo magazine.
“The people expect that Senators will exhibit only the highest levels of decorum and integrity,” Reid said. “I’m not sure that Scott Brown lives up to this expectation.”
Reid pointed out that “each chamber of Congress is responsible for deciding whether a person shall be accepted into the body. So, we could vote not to seat Brown if we feel that doing so would diminish the respect voters have for all of us.”
The Majority leader brushed aside criticisms that Congress has accepted tax cheats among its ranks and as appointees to the Executive Branch. “Everybody cheats on their taxes,” Reid argued. “Why should we single out those who get caught and exclude them from government?”
Reid also rejected the late Senator Ted Kennedy’s questionable behavior in the death of Mary Jo Kopechne being used as a standard of reference for how low the body might stoop regarding the quality of its membership, calling such comparisons “unfair and unkind considering the illustrious legislative record Senator Kennedy compiled in the years following that unfortunate tragedy.”
In related news, MSNBC pundit Keith Olbermann urged that the special election vote for Brown be overturned due to its implicitly racist overtones. “Here we have America’s first African-American President politely asking Massachusetts voters to send Martha Coakley to the Senate to help him pass healthcare,” Olbermann said. “But exit polls showed that the majority of Massachusetts’ white voters dissed the President’s request. We can’t let white voters in one state impede the policies of a black man elected by a majority of the voters in America.”
Chavez Says Haiti Earthquake a Result of US Attack
Venezuelan leader and noted loony, Hugo Chavez is claiming that the earthquake that devastated Haiti was caused by a United States attack using a new secret weapon called a “cavitron.” Chavez said he learned of this weapon when his intelligence service secured a copy of a secret report revealing its existence.
“This attack on innocent people is further evidence of the diabolical motives of the United States,” Chavez maintained. “There are even reports that American Red Cross workers now in Haiti are armed with hand-held cavitrons with which to further subdue the survivors.” Chavez called for “the progressive forces of the world to unite against this great Satan before its evil plan for world domination can be implemented.”
The “report” the Venezuelan Secret Service purloined for Chavez is actually a novel called State of Fear by Michael Crichton. In the novel, eco-terrorists use a “cavitron” to cause an underwater earthquake and tidal wave. In real life, a cavitron is a device used by dentists to clean teeth.
Iraq‘s ‘Chemical Ali’ Sentence to Death for Forth Time
Ali Hassan al-Majid, the infamous Saddam Hussein henchman known as “chemical Ali” for his favorite method of murdering people, was sentenced to death by an Iraqi court. This is the forth such death sentence he has received since the fall of Hussein’s government in 2003.
The death sentence left Ali unfazed. “It was Saddam’s misfortune to commit one big crime,” he wryly observed. “I have committed so many individual and discrete murders at so many different times and places that I think I’ll probably die of old age before they can convict me of all of them.”
He may be right as many charges against him are still in the Iraqi court’s pipeline.
White House Parties to Boost Morale, Says Gibbs
Press Secretary Robert Gibbs defended the White House’s heavy schedule of entertainment as a “morale booster for the American people.” There have been over 100 parties so far. Far more than any previous Administration.
“Look, even if times are tough on a lot of people it can be reassuring for them to know that their President is still able to maintain a robust schedule of affairs at the White House,” Gibbs asserted. “Historically, citizens have always lived vicariously through their leaders. Perhaps even more importantly, though, this spending is helping to stimulate demand during the economic slowdown. Ultimately, this will benefit everyone.”