By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News 

President Barack Obama brushed aside the argument that polls showing that a substantial majority of American voters oppose the healthcare legislation under consideration in Congress should play any role in the outcome.

“It doesn’t matter if a poll shows 75 percent  are opposed,” Obama said. “As I see it, the only ‘poll’ that counts is the one represented by the election of 2008. Voters who aren’t satisfied with what the Democratic Party does with the mandate they granted us back then can vote against us in the next election.”

The president rejected arguments from Senator John McCain (R-Ariz.) that “the lack of promised transparency and the buying of votes via unsavory deals has so tainted the current legislation that we ought to start over with a clean slate.”

“What? Was Senator McCain born yesterday?” Obama mocked. “Breaking promises and buying votes have been integral parts of our political process for generations. It’s how we get things done in government. Expecting congressmen to just do what is right without hope of a personal or political payback is a child’s perspective. It’s a point of view unworthy of someone of McCain’s experience.”

Treasury Secretary Defends Excluding Unfunded Obligations from Budget

US Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner defended federal budget protocols that exclude Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac promises to back mortgage loans.

“Just because we’ve said the government will stand behind these loans doesn’t mean we actually have to,” Geithner said. “I mean, the government has the right to ‘walk away’ from debts it is unable or unwilling to pay.”

The Secretary was put on the spot by accusations from Representative Jeb Hensarling (R-Texas) that “the Obama administration is using accounting gimmicks in its budget that would make an Enron accountant blush. Enron went bankrupt and several key officers of the firm were sent to prison for the kind of manipulation we’re seeing under Obama.”

Geithner insisted that “the comparison to Enron or any private corporation, for that matter, is inapt. The federal government has what is called ‘sovereign immunity.’ That means no one can take us to court and force us to pay our debts. And you can forget about anyone in the government going to jail. No judge in his right mind would ever contemplate such a foolhardy move.”

Representative Spencer Bachus (R-Alaska), the ranking member of the House Financial Services Committee, has estimated that the unfunded liabilities of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac exceed $5 trillion. “Secretary Geithner may feel confident that the government can welsh on this obligation, but the potential impact on financial markets cannot be so easily ignored,” Bachus warned.

President Scolds Republicans for Complicating Healthcare Debate

President Obama scolded the televised “Healthcare Summit” attendee Representative Eric Cantor (R-Va) for bringing a copy of the current 2400-page bill to the meeting and placing it on the table where it would be easily visible to the television audience.

“The point of televising the meeting was to try to give the American people a simple message—that we’re all here working on legislation that will take of them,” Obama said. “Putting a copy of the bill where it could be seen by TV viewers introduces an unwanted element of complexity that dilutes this simple message.”

“The simple rationale behind healthcare reform that has been sold to voters is the need to cover the uninsured and to find a way to restrain runaway costs,” Cantor countered. “Instead of forthrightly addressing this, the Democrats have crafted thousands of pages of new regulations that complicate access to healthcare and promise to push costs even higher. And despite its length, the current bill does nothing to rein-in tort abuses and the frivolous lawsuits that result in billions of dollars in higher costs for all.”

The President contended that “review panels established by the proposed legislation would help hold down costs by prohibiting expenditures on treatments with poor cost/benefit profiles. Without my legislation, resources will continue to be squandered on investments in treating people whose useful lives are essentially over. Critics of my bill conveniently overlook the potential savings from eliminating these expenditures when they portray it as a budget buster.

President Tells Business Leaders He’s No Socialist

In an address to leading corporate executives at the annual “Business Roundtable” meeting in Washington, President Barack Obama made a bid to persuade them that he is no foe of the free market.

“Contrary to the socialist picture of me painted by my political enemies, I believe in a strictly circumscribed government,” Obama said. “Government should be restrained to three main functions: taxing, spending, and regulating. It must not be allowed to venture outside of these limits. I oppose socialism that nationalizes businesses because it is unnecessary and would interfere with these three main functions.”

“Nationalizing businesses would shrink the tax-base,” Obama pointed out. “This would diminish the government’s ability to carry out its second key function of spending. It is also unnecessary because the third function of government—regulating—can easily achieve the proper control over businesses without the government having to bear the direct responsibility for managing them.”

“The free market would be free to deal with everything else,” Obama explained. “Of course, businesses couldn’t tax anyone. That would infringe on government’s prerogative. But they will be asked to pay taxes and, in some cases, collect taxes on the government’s behalf.”

“Businesses will also be permitted some latitude in how they spend the resources that come into their hands,” Obama continued. “Government will only step in when needed to ensure that socially responsible parameters are maintained. If need be, government can always redirect business spending with regulations or by taxing the excess profits away and using them for higher priority needs.”

The President hastened to remind business leaders that “the government’s role won’t be all ‘stick.’ There will also be ‘carrots.’ Firms that show appropriate ‘social consciousness’ may expect to receive direct payments from government and their corporate leaders may use these monies to reward key officers of the firms.”

“We’re all in this together—business, unions, and government,” Obama concluded. “We must all work cooperatively to promote the general welfare of the nation.”

Nipplitaliano Discovers Islamic Threat

U.S. Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Nipplitaliano held a press conference to reveal information about what she called “a carefully concealed threat to this nation.”

“Hard work by department staff has uncovered information on a group of extremists that few suspected may have existed,” Nipplitaliano said. “This group appears to follow the teachings a ‘Prophet Muhammed’ and may be responsible for carrying out acts of violence against what are termed ‘infidels’ and ‘unbelievers.’”

Nipplitaliano characterized this group as “extremely secretive.” “It is only through the virtually super-human efforts of my dedicated, but under-manned and under-funded staff, that we are able to gain the few scraps of information we have to-date,” she said. “It’s possible that this group may have played a role in previously unexplained tragedies such as occurred at the World Trade Center in 2001, the attack on the USS Cole in Yemen in 2000, and the bombing of the U.S. Embassies in Tanzania and Kenya in 1998.”

The Secretary concluded the press conference by requesting that “an additional $100 billion be added to the Homeland Security budget to enable us to thoroughly research and define this emerging threat.”

AG Adds Former Jihad Lawyers to His Staff

U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder stood behind his decision to pack the Department of Justice with attorneys formerly employed to represent terrorists interned at Gitmo, calling it a coup.

“It’s like an NBA team signing an opponent’s star players,” Holder boasted. “We’re adding talent and denying that same talent to our opponents.”

Holder also maintained that “incorporating former foes into our lineup may moderate the intensity of our opponent’s antagonism toward us. The more like each other we become, the less ground there is for hostility. We’re trying to move from a ‘deadly enemies’ to a ‘respected rivals’ way of thinking on this.”

Reid Reelection Campaign Takes Ugly Turn

Contending that men who lose their jobs are more prone to abuse their wives, Senator Harry Reid (D-Nev.) urged his state’s voters to return him to the senate in November’s balloting “for the sake of my wife’s health and well-being.”

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By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News 

A reported 10-percent decline in the crime rate for last year has sparked a heated disagreement over the cause.

On the right, the surge in purchases of guns of all sorts since the ascension of Barack Obama to the presidency is hailed as proof that a well-armed citizenry deters crime. “The more likely it is that a law-abiding citizen is armed, the riskier it is for a criminal to attempt to rob or assault him,” said National Rifle Association Executive Vice-President Wayne LaPierre. “Those who wrote the Second Amendment knew this. Maybe this latest data will demonstrate this truth to a modern audience.”

The data, though, isn’t demonstrating any such truth to die-hard gun-control advocates. The Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence attributes the decrease in reported crime rates to the economic recession. “With so many people out of work, there is simply less for criminals to steal,” said spokesman Brayon Tripper. “So, in a way, the bad economy is leaving thieves unemployed, as well.”

Vice-President Joe Biden credits increased government hand-outs for the decline in crime. “With trillions in stimulus money floating around, there’s less need for ordinary robberies,” Biden reasoned. “I mean, why take the risk of illegally trying to get into someone else’s pocket when there’s a legal way to get the same result?”

Biden argued that “President Obama and Congress—or at least the Democrats in Congress—don’t get a fair share of the credit for what they’ve done to help lower the crime rate. Without the programs they’ve enacted, many people would be forced to initiate their own poorly-conceived heists and a lot more people would get hurt.”

President Endorses Reid’s Reelection

President Obama traveled to a Nevada “town hall” meeting to publicly endorse the reelection of that state’s Senator Harry Reid (D) and urge voters to “reject the anti-government message of our right wing opponents.”

“It would’ve been easy for Senator Reid to read the polls and turn his back on the reforms I have planned for this country,” Obama told the audience. “But he put loyalty ahead of popularity and stood by me. I’m here today to return the favor.”

The President also reminded Nevada voters that he did not come empty-handed. “Sticking with me doesn’t just earn my lip service—valuable as that may be,” Obama bragged. “There’s also a tidy sum of federal cash that is headed to those states whose senators and representatives have helped push my program in congress.”

Obama defended using federal money to help boost the reelection prospects of men like Senator Reid. “We’re in a mighty struggle to transform this nation,” he pointed out. “We must use every means at our disposal to ensure that the troops fighting for this transformation receive all the support possible. Just as we would never deny America’s soldiers the money for bullets to defeat this country’s foreign enemies, we must not deny our political allies the money for ballots to defeat the domestic enemies of our progressive program for change.”

Saying that “as much as I’d like to take credit for this strategic use of the nation’s public resources, I’m forced to admit that I cadged it from former President Franklin Roosevelt,” Obama admitted. “Nevertheless, I’m proud to be able to say I’m big enough to have learned a trick or two from America’s greatest past president.”

McCain Bill Would Limit Access to Nutritional Supplements

In a bid to forge yet another bridge across the aisle, Senator John McCain (R-Ariz) has joined forces with fellow Senator Byron Dorgan (D-ND) to introduce Senate Bill 3002, the Dietary Supplement Safety Act. The bill would grant the federal government’s Food and Drug Administration (FDA) broad new authority to control the nutritional supplements available to American consumers.

“What we have now is a chaotic, every-man-for-himself kind of approach when it comes to nutritional supplements,” McCain said. “Anyone can decide for himself what to take, when to take it, and for whatever reason he wants. Government has minimal control. All it can do is pull misbranded, fraudulent, or contaminated products off the market.” The Senator contrasted this with the FDA’s authority “to absolutely bar access to drugs until the government is convinced they are both safe and effective.”

“Not only are these substances outside of the FDA’s purview, they don’t even require a doctor’s prescription,” McCain complained. “A person’s health is being left in his own uninformed hands instead of being overseen by those trained in the field. Government has an obligation to save such a person from his own folly.”

The new powers for the FDA in McCain’s bill are modeled on those of the European Food Safety Authority. Under this Authority, nutritional supplements are much harder to obtain and are more expensive per unit of potency.

McCain characterized his bill as “a first step in a more comprehensive plan to upgrade the nation’s health. We’ve already taken steps to assert government oversight of the drugs that a person puts into his body. Gaining a firmer grip on the food he puts into it is the next logical move. Ideally, all of a citizen’s food and drug needs would be handled like they were for me when I was in the Navy.”

President Apologizes for Meeting with Dalai Lama

A letter leaked from an internal Administration source indicated that President Barack Obama apologized to the Chinese government for what he termed a “politically necessary” and “pro forma” meeting with the Dalai Lama.

“I hope the Chinese government will understand that, for political reasons in America, I must appear to sympathize with Tibet’s quest for religious freedom,” Obama wrote. “Inviting Tenzin Gyatso for tea at the White House enabled me to fulfill this need. But the meeting was strictly pro forma and should not be interpreted as being, in any way, critical of China’s subjugation of the Tibetan people.”

In an effort to prove his sincerity to the Chinese government, the President’s letter pointed out that “we barred the media from photographing or recording the meeting—minimizing the meeting’s value as potential propaganda for China’s enemies. Mr. Gyatso was also required to use the side service entrance to help diminish the perceived importance of the meeting.”

The letter concluded with the President’s plea for the Chinese government’s “sympathy and cooperation in our efforts to fend off reactionary challenges to the progressive goals our two governments share.”

Microsoft Officer Calls for Licensing Users of the Internet

Citing the need to take stronger measures against cyber warfare, Craig Mundie, chief research and strategy officer for Microsoft, demanded that access to the Internet be restricted to “licensed drivers.”

“We wouldn’t let a person get behind the wheel of a car without a license, so why should we allow just anyone with a computer to cruise the web?” Mundie asked.

Mundie contended that by screening those who want to use the Internet, “governments could dramatically reduce the incidence of hostile actions against them. Making those who want to use the web prove they are no threat to the government before they are allowed onto it is a common-sense security procedure.”

The prospect that those with malevolent intentions toward governments or anyone else might fraudulently obtain Internet user’s licenses or simply hack onto the web without a license “is something we haven’t yet gotten a handle on,” Mundie admitted. “The out-and-out criminal or saboteur is a tough one, kind of like the convicted felon who can’t legally own a gun, but manages to commit a crime with one anyway. Nevertheless, we’ve got to start cracking down somewhere.”

U.S. Political System “Sucks” Says Podesta

John Podesta, Democratic Party operative and former advisor to President Bill Clinton, says the nation’s political system “sucks.”

“Major reforms are being stifled by an archaic reliance on a worn out idea called ‘checks-and-balances,’” Podesta complained. “I mean, President Obama has some exciting ideas, but they are being blocked by Republicans who refuse to go along. Instead of supporting a transformational change of American institutions, the leadership of the Republican Party seems bent on opposing the President.”

Podesta conceded that “with Democrats holding a majority in both the House and Senate, as well as the presidency, the average person might conclude that any failure to take action belongs with the Democrats. However, this is an unsophisticated view. Passing legislation on a straight party line vote makes it a partisan undertaking. Republicans may have been willing to risk doing this when they were passing popular legislation like tax cuts, but it is asking too much of Democrats to expect them to do the same with unpopular legislation like health care reform.”

Podesta did assign a small portion of the blame to President Obama for not using the media enough, even though Obama has made three times as many appearances on TV as his predecessor.

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By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News 

A decade of declining global temperatures combined with some of the worst winter weather ever seen in the nation’s capital has inspire President Obama to create a Climate Service Line Office to “combat the damage this weather has done to our campaign against global warming.” Obama Administration’s Commerce Secretary Gary Locke has been charged with responsibility for setting up the office.

“It is difficult to keep people focused on the need to fight global warming when they’re digging out from three feet of snow,” Locke observed. “How can we hope to convince them they should pay higher taxes or higher energy prices to help keep the temperature down when they’re trying to stay warm?”

Locke pointed out that “in this kind of environment, the need for our counterfactual message is greater than ever. That’s why we’ve got to establish this Climate Service Line. Rather than having to settle for home-made conclusions based on what’s going on around them, people can call our office and get the approved official position on what’s going on with the climate.”

Dean Denounces Rise of Anti-Science Attitudes

Former Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean called the mocking construction of an igloo labeled as “Al Gore’s new home” by Republicans “a demonstration of the worst form of anti-science I’ve seen in my lifetime.” The inspiration for the igloo was the worst snowstorm ever recorded in Washington DC.

“Ignorant people may think that they can look out the window or read a thermometer and know what the weather is,” Dean said. “They think that because they see it getting colder that it isn’t getting warmer. They are trusting their own observations over the research of eminent climate scientologists who’ve had years of training and billions of dollars in grant money to study the phenomenon and build the case for global warming.”

Dean blamed Republicans for “exploiting this ignorance for political gain. The notion that individuals can trust their own judgment over that of their scientific betters is an invitation to anarchy at a time when we all need to have faith in the scientists so we can pull together behind a common plan to save the planet.”

Air American CEO Blames Freedom for Censoring Liberal Talk Radio

Dane Rohrvig, former Chief Executive Officer (CEO) of Air America, has cited “an attitude of unfettered and anarchic freedom” for causing the demise of his network of liberal talk radio programming.

“Use of the radio’s educational potential is undermined when people can listen to whatever they want with no requirement that they get a ‘balanced diet’ of viewpoints,” Rohrvig complained. Drawing a parallel with our public schools, Rohrvig argued that, “our schools would be derelict in their duties if they didn’t insist that students be exposed to a broad range of viewpoints in their reading assignments. They wouldn’t allow students a ‘diet’ comprised solely of comic books. Yet, that’s what the FCC (Federal Communication Commission) has allowed to happen with talk radio.”

Rohrvig suggested that the government take a stronger role in ensuring a balanced perspective. “The FCC could make an effort to see that right wing radio doesn’t monopolize the air waves by funding opposing views. That way, we wouldn’t have to be bogged down by the need to sell our product in order to stay on the air.”

Obama Advisor Says Higher Taxes Needed to Fuel Economic Growth

Larry Summers, President Obama’s chief economic advisor, defended the President’s willingness to break his pledge not to raise taxes on those earning less than $250,000 per year, saying that “current tax rates are too low to revive the economy.”

“Nobody works harder than those on the bottom end of the income scale,” Summers asserted. “The small distance between health a starvation at those wage levels forces them to work long and hard.”

“At higher income levels, people have a surplus of money they don’t really need,” Summers contended. “So their incentive to work is diluted. If government were to raise taxes on these earners they’d have less of a surplus and be forced to work longer hours in order to continue to afford their current lifestyle.”

According to Summers, “compressing the income tiers downward toward the subsistence level would give the government a two-edged sword in dealing with the recession. One edge would be rescuing more resources from the sterile hands of individuals and placing them at the government’s disposal. The other would be the motivating incentive imparted to those who need to feed a family and pay a mortgage. It’s a win-win scenario.”

In related news, President Obama said his campaign against the “malefactors of great wealth” doesn’t include people like Jamie Dimon (J.P. Morgan) Lloyd Blankfein (Goldman Sachs), recipients, respectively, of bonuses of $17 million and $9 million last year, despite the fact that their firms had to be saved from bankruptcy by government subsidies. “I know these men,” Obama said. “They’re not just money grubbers. They’re my friends. They’ve got a social conscience.” The “social consciences” and friendship of these men may have been demonstrated by the donations each made to the Obama for President campaign in 2008.

White House Says Palin Palm Writing Demonstrates Unfitness to Lead

The Obama Administration’s Press Secretary Robert Gibbs pounced on former Governor Sarah Palin’s use of a few words written on the palm of her hand during her 45-minute “Tea Party” speech last week as “the clearest evidence yet that she is unfit to lead this nation.”

“It’s too unstructured and off-the-cuff for the kind of complex challenges we face,” Gibbs argued. Do we really want to put this kind of person in power? The risk to the nation would, I think, be incalculable.”

“A true leader is better prepared,” Gibbs continued. “He takes his time mulling things over. He hires the best experts to explain the issues and to script well-reasoned remarks that can be used to help inspire citizens’ confidence that he has matters under control.”

“Sticking to a prepared script shows the kind of discipline that cannot be duplicated by the free-wheeling style exhibited by Ms. Palin,” Gibbs maintained. Gibbs dismissed contentions that the President’s mispronunciation of words in his prepared remarks was evidence of a deficiency, arguing that “it shows that the President has confidence in his staff to put together the right words, even if he can’t pronounce them.”

Treasury Secretary Not Worried about Bond Rating

The prospect of trillion-dollar budget deficits as far as the eye can see and the near failure of the most recent US Treasury Bond auction have spooked securities markets. There is fear that the US Government’s heretofore AAA credit rating may fall. These fears were brushed aside by a confident Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner.

“No matter what happens, the people over at Moody’s and Standard & Poor’s bond rating division have got to know better than to threaten a downgrade of the Government’s bonds,” Geithner said. “I mean, the IRS is under my jurisdiction. We have all of these guys’ tax records. They’re asking for a lot of grief if they cross us on this.”

“All I’m proposing is a simple quid-pro-quo,” Geithner said. “They give us a good bond rating and the IRS gives each of them a a pass on an audit. That way nobody gets hurt.”

Vice-Presidents Discounts Possibility of another 9/11 Attack

Vice-President Joe Biden says the prospects for another 9/11 style attack on the US are “slim and none.”

“The credit has to go to Barack,” Biden claimed. “He’s reached out to Muslims and convinced them that he sympathizes with their cause. He’s seen as one of them, so to speak. I mean, Obama and Osama, there’s only one letter of difference between them. That’s got to establish some kind of bond. So, I don’t think bin Laden will be ordering any attacks on America for this reason.”

Biden dismissed the Christmas Day bombing attempt and the Fort Hood shooting as “acts of freelancing lunatics, rather than the kind of carefully planned blows we saw on 9/11. These people may be able to kill a few people at a time, but they don’t have the strategic vision of a bin Laden.”

In related news, Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Nipplitaliano says she will consider a request by the Council on American-Islamic Relations (CAIR) to exempt Muslims from the full body scans being deployed at the nation’s busiest airports. “These types of scans are very offensive to Muslims,” Nipplitaliano conceded. “They violate sharia principles of modesty and privacy. As such, forcing Muslims to submit to them could be construed as religious persecution.”

Nippitaliano’s staff is reportedly working on a process that will permit Muslims to bypass the scans if they are willing to sign a notarized affidavit in which they renounce any intent to do harm during the flight for which they are boarding. “This way, we’ll have the added deterrent of being able to append a charge of ‘filing a false affidavit’ to the list of crimes we can prosecute in the event that the signers renege,” Nippitaliano said.

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By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News 

With polls showing increasing voter dissatisfaction with President Obama’s agenda, some Democratic members of Congress have been urging him to move toward the ideological center. The President has rejected this strategy as “unworthy and out-of-step with our Party’s aim to transform America.”

One of the most visible of the imperiled Democrats, Senator Blanche Lincoln (Ark), begged the President to “ease off the massive deficits that are sowing uncertainty and deterring businesses from expanding and hiring. If government is going to have to borrow trillions to cover these deficits, what will be left for businesses? According to the President, it appears to be higher taxes. Democrats can’t win with this kind of program.”

Instead of shifting course, though, the President urged fellow Democrats to “seize the power we already have to remake the nation into a place where social conscience rules over individualistic selfishness. Rather than just do what voters say they want, we have the opportunity to give them what we know they really need.”

Obama argued that fears among Democrats that they may lose their seats in the House and Senate are “overblown.” “Look, we can’t let ourselves get spooked by polls,” Obama said. “And even if we lose our majority, all is not lost. I can veto any Republican bills that try to undermine the reforms we enact before the election. Or better still, Congress can pass special enabling legislation that grants me the power to take action without having to get specific congressional authorization for each new law.”

To further bolster their courage, the President promised to appoint any loyal Democrat who loses his election next November to a job in the Executive branch. “Another federal teat will be offered to any Democrat who loses his seat,” Obama said, using a Negro dialect when he wanted to.

President Blames Aides for Mispronunciation

President Barack Obama’s flub of the pronunciation of the word “corpsman” in a speech at the National Prayer Breakfast sparked titters among listeners. Corpsman is the term used for Navy and Marine personnel who perform battlefield medical aid to the wounded. It is pronounced “core-man.” In his speech, Obama twice used the term “corpse man.”

“If you sound out the letters it looks like ‘corpse man’ is the correct pronunciation,” Obama observed. “How was I to know that the ‘p’ and ‘s’ were supposed to be silent?” The President said that “inasmuch as the word was to be part of a spoken rather than written communication, whoever put the script on the teleprompter should’ve used a phonetic spelling.”

The President brushed aside the contention that the nation’s Commander-in-Chief ought to be familiar with the pronunciation of this military term. “I’ve never been in the Navy or Marines,” Obama reminded. “So, I’ve never followed or paid much attention to army jargon. How would I be expected to know such things?”

Leftist Economist Says Bankruptcy Fears “Overwrought”

New York Times columnist and left-wing economist, Paul Krugman called fears that the multi-trillion dollar deficits being racked up by the Obama Administration would bankrupt the country “overwrought.”

“An individual, a business, or even a state or local government can go bankrupt, but not the federal government,” Krugman wrote in a recent editorial. “The federal government has weapons for avoiding bankruptcy. First, it has the power to tax and/or seize whatever money it needs to pay its obligations. No private individual or firm has the right or power to withhold resources that the government needs to preserve itself.”

“Second, were Congress to balk at approving the necessary tax increases, the Federal Reserve Bank has an unlimited authority to create new money with which the federal government can pay its bills,” Krugman continued. “While individuals or business firms might be blocked from spending when their bank accounts are registering ‘empty,’ the federal government’s account can always be refilled by the ‘stroke of a pen.’”

“Finally, if push comes to shove, the government could always repudiate its debt,” Krugman added. “This option has been used before by governments far less powerful than ours. Should the President decide that it would be in the government’s best interest to get out from under these financial burdens, who would have the strength to challenge his decision? No one inside or outside the country could force our government to pay.”

“So, the average citizen can stop worrying,” Krugman concluded. “His government is safe and will survive any attempt by right-wing critics to block its progress by raising the specter of bankruptcy.”

Prince Charles Pitches Green Lifestyle

The United Kingdom’s Prince Charles lashed out at his critics in an impassioned defense of his environmental views. “I have been the victim of unbelievable abuse for my efforts to promote a better environment,” he said.

According to the Prince, “too many people are living too lavishly for the good of the planet. They consume too much in every phase of their lives—too much housing, too much food, too much travel, too much entertainment, you name it.”

Charles asserted that “technology is destroying man’s contact with nature. Rather than living simply, the average man now expects science to intervene to save him from the nasty, brutish, and short existence that is more in tune with what is natural. This may seem good in the short run to the short-sighted person, but it is bad for the planet.”

The Prince vowed to take his crusade “to every corner of the world” and “spare no expense in a cause too vital to be turned aside by the squawking of the ignorant masses.” In line with this vow, the Prince’s aides are negotiating with agents of former US Vice-President Al Gore for a joint, five-continent tour “to urge the common people to lead more frugal lives for the sake of the environment.”

Senator Defends “Bribe” and Mocks “Feeble” Peers

In response to the characterization of her decision to support the President’s healthcare legislation as “the Louisiana Purchase,” Senator Mary Landrieu (D-La) defended her state’s special treatment (Louisiana is awarded an extra $300 million) under the bill.

“Is it my fault that others sold their votes so cheaply?” the Senator asked. And she called complaints by her peers “sour grapes.” “They all had the same opportunity to try to get the most they could in return for their votes. Any of them who claims he was voting on principle is a liar or a fool. That’s not the way we do business here in Washington. Any member of Congress who settles for less than he has to is a pretty feeble agent for the people of his state or district.”

Landrieu reserved her harshest criticism for Senator Ben Nelson (D-Neb) whose “attempts to weasel out of his deal are besmirching all our reputations. I mean, who could possibly believe his so-called ‘bargaining chip’ claim? It’s like he’s trying to imply that those of us who have the ‘balls’ to stick to our hard-won gains are crooks when the truth is that Ben is a wimp.”

President and AG Disagree on Miranda Rights for Jihadis

President Barack Obama and his Attorney General Eric Holder issued conflicting statements on how captured Islamic terrorists should be treated.

Holder insisted that those like the Christmas day bomber will be handled under existing criminal statutes. This includes advising them of their right to remain silent. “We cannot sacrifice the rights of the accused to the notion that the safety of innocent victims takes precedence,” Holder said. “Saving lives may seem important to some, but preserving our system of jurisprudence has got to be a higher priority.”

On the other hand, President Obama asserted that “the idea that we can treat these people like common criminals is unwarranted. They are warriors who are merely conforming to their religious beliefs. Granted, the belief that one may kill unbelievers seems extreme to many Americans. Nevertheless, we must not allow ourselves to be narrow-minded about this. We must work toward a better understanding of our differences. Tolerance is the high road. It’s the road I am seeking to take in atonement for our country’s past transgressions.”

Murtha Health Crisis

Representative John Murtha (D-Pa.) was hospitalized in the intensive care ward of the Virginia Hospital Center in Arlington last week. Murtha spokesman, Matthew Mazonkey, explained that “the Congressman’s long period of public service has depleted his body’s reserves of gall. Feeding at the public trough is not without its price. There’s constant criticism from naive ‘good government’ types who demand unreasonable standards of openness and equity. This has helped wear the Congressman down.”

Mazonkey stressed that “Congressman Murtha’s ‘earmarks for donations’ program will still be in effect while he’s hospitalized. Those wanting his favors should continue to follow the normal process.”

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