By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
With polls showing increasing voter dissatisfaction with President Obama’s agenda, some Democratic members of Congress have been urging him to move toward the ideological center. The President has rejected this strategy as “unworthy and out-of-step with our Party’s aim to transform America.”
One of the most visible of the imperiled Democrats, Senator Blanche Lincoln (Ark), begged the President to “ease off the massive deficits that are sowing uncertainty and deterring businesses from expanding and hiring. If government is going to have to borrow trillions to cover these deficits, what will be left for businesses? According to the President, it appears to be higher taxes. Democrats can’t win with this kind of program.”
Instead of shifting course, though, the President urged fellow Democrats to “seize the power we already have to remake the nation into a place where social conscience rules over individualistic selfishness. Rather than just do what voters say they want, we have the opportunity to give them what we know they really need.”
Obama argued that fears among Democrats that they may lose their seats in the House and Senate are “overblown.” “Look, we can’t let ourselves get spooked by polls,” Obama said. “And even if we lose our majority, all is not lost. I can veto any Republican bills that try to undermine the reforms we enact before the election. Or better still, Congress can pass special enabling legislation that grants me the power to take action without having to get specific congressional authorization for each new law.”
To further bolster their courage, the President promised to appoint any loyal Democrat who loses his election next November to a job in the Executive branch. “Another federal teat will be offered to any Democrat who loses his seat,” Obama said, using a Negro dialect when he wanted to.
President Blames Aides for Mispronunciation
President Barack Obama’s flub of the pronunciation of the word “corpsman” in a speech at the National Prayer Breakfast sparked titters among listeners. Corpsman is the term used for Navy and Marine personnel who perform battlefield medical aid to the wounded. It is pronounced “core-man.” In his speech, Obama twice used the term “corpse man.”
“If you sound out the letters it looks like ‘corpse man’ is the correct pronunciation,” Obama observed. “How was I to know that the ‘p’ and ‘s’ were supposed to be silent?” The President said that “inasmuch as the word was to be part of a spoken rather than written communication, whoever put the script on the teleprompter should’ve used a phonetic spelling.”
The President brushed aside the contention that the nation’s Commander-in-Chief ought to be familiar with the pronunciation of this military term. “I’ve never been in the Navy or Marines,” Obama reminded. “So, I’ve never followed or paid much attention to army jargon. How would I be expected to know such things?”
Leftist Economist Says Bankruptcy Fears “Overwrought”
New York Times columnist and left-wing economist, Paul Krugman called fears that the multi-trillion dollar deficits being racked up by the Obama Administration would bankrupt the country “overwrought.”
“An individual, a business, or even a state or local government can go bankrupt, but not the federal government,” Krugman wrote in a recent editorial. “The federal government has weapons for avoiding bankruptcy. First, it has the power to tax and/or seize whatever money it needs to pay its obligations. No private individual or firm has the right or power to withhold resources that the government needs to preserve itself.”
“Second, were Congress to balk at approving the necessary tax increases, the Federal Reserve Bank has an unlimited authority to create new money with which the federal government can pay its bills,” Krugman continued. “While individuals or business firms might be blocked from spending when their bank accounts are registering ‘empty,’ the federal government’s account can always be refilled by the ‘stroke of a pen.’”
“Finally, if push comes to shove, the government could always repudiate its debt,” Krugman added. “This option has been used before by governments far less powerful than ours. Should the President decide that it would be in the government’s best interest to get out from under these financial burdens, who would have the strength to challenge his decision? No one inside or outside the country could force our government to pay.”
“So, the average citizen can stop worrying,” Krugman concluded. “His government is safe and will survive any attempt by right-wing critics to block its progress by raising the specter of bankruptcy.”
Prince Charles Pitches Green Lifestyle
The United Kingdom’s Prince Charles lashed out at his critics in an impassioned defense of his environmental views. “I have been the victim of unbelievable abuse for my efforts to promote a better environment,” he said.
According to the Prince, “too many people are living too lavishly for the good of the planet. They consume too much in every phase of their lives—too much housing, too much food, too much travel, too much entertainment, you name it.”
Charles asserted that “technology is destroying man’s contact with nature. Rather than living simply, the average man now expects science to intervene to save him from the nasty, brutish, and short existence that is more in tune with what is natural. This may seem good in the short run to the short-sighted person, but it is bad for the planet.”
The Prince vowed to take his crusade “to every corner of the world” and “spare no expense in a cause too vital to be turned aside by the squawking of the ignorant masses.” In line with this vow, the Prince’s aides are negotiating with agents of former US Vice-President Al Gore for a joint, five-continent tour “to urge the common people to lead more frugal lives for the sake of the environment.”
Senator Defends “Bribe” and Mocks “Feeble” Peers
In response to the characterization of her decision to support the President’s healthcare legislation as “the Louisiana Purchase,” Senator Mary Landrieu (D-La) defended her state’s special treatment (Louisiana is awarded an extra $300 million) under the bill.
“Is it my fault that others sold their votes so cheaply?” the Senator asked. And she called complaints by her peers “sour grapes.” “They all had the same opportunity to try to get the most they could in return for their votes. Any of them who claims he was voting on principle is a liar or a fool. That’s not the way we do business here in Washington. Any member of Congress who settles for less than he has to is a pretty feeble agent for the people of his state or district.”
Landrieu reserved her harshest criticism for Senator Ben Nelson (D-Neb) whose “attempts to weasel out of his deal are besmirching all our reputations. I mean, who could possibly believe his so-called ‘bargaining chip’ claim? It’s like he’s trying to imply that those of us who have the ‘balls’ to stick to our hard-won gains are crooks when the truth is that Ben is a wimp.”
President and AG Disagree on Miranda Rights for Jihadis
President Barack Obama and his Attorney General Eric Holder issued conflicting statements on how captured Islamic terrorists should be treated.
Holder insisted that those like the Christmas day bomber will be handled under existing criminal statutes. This includes advising them of their right to remain silent. “We cannot sacrifice the rights of the accused to the notion that the safety of innocent victims takes precedence,” Holder said. “Saving lives may seem important to some, but preserving our system of jurisprudence has got to be a higher priority.”
On the other hand, President Obama asserted that “the idea that we can treat these people like common criminals is unwarranted. They are warriors who are merely conforming to their religious beliefs. Granted, the belief that one may kill unbelievers seems extreme to many Americans. Nevertheless, we must not allow ourselves to be narrow-minded about this. We must work toward a better understanding of our differences. Tolerance is the high road. It’s the road I am seeking to take in atonement for our country’s past transgressions.”
Murtha Health Crisis
Representative John Murtha (D-Pa.) was hospitalized in the intensive care ward of the Virginia Hospital Center in Arlington last week. Murtha spokesman, Matthew Mazonkey, explained that “the Congressman’s long period of public service has depleted his body’s reserves of gall. Feeding at the public trough is not without its price. There’s constant criticism from naive ‘good government’ types who demand unreasonable standards of openness and equity. This has helped wear the Congressman down.”
Mazonkey stressed that “Congressman Murtha’s ‘earmarks for donations’ program will still be in effect while he’s hospitalized. Those wanting his favors should continue to follow the normal process.”