By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
President Obama contends that Americans have acquired a distrust in government that “endangers the future of the country.” He vowed to “do whatever it takes to reverse this trend and restore the kind of faith in government we saw during World War II.”
“During World War II, every American was joined in a common purpose,” Obama said. “Everyone did their part. Everyone had faith that following the leadership of the Roosevelt Administration would be best for all. There wasn’t all this quibbling over individual rights and personal prerogatives.”
The President acknowledged that “the scope of government control during the war was immense, but this very immensity of scope is what assured everyone that the common good would prevail over selfish individualism. People accepted that if the government needed them to do a job, they should do it. People accepted that their own personal consumption could be rationed for the greater good. It was like we were all part of one collective organism, each person doing his part for the good of the whole.”
“Today, there are too many separate and discrete decision-making entities,” Obama argued. “My program for change is aimed at consolidating decision-making so that one entity overseeing all can ensure that everyone pulls together toward a common end. When a single entity is empowered to take care that everyone’s needs are fulfilled, then faith in this entity will be the only option that makes sense.”
President Explains His Policy on Fraud and Waste in Healthcare
In the seemingly endless parade of “final pushes” for his healthcare legislation President Barack Obama attempted to explain why the bill is needed to fight fraud and waste in the government’s Medicare program.
“Right now, unscrupulous doctors are over billing the government for services that were never rendered,” Obama admitted. “Theoretically, we could make efforts to crack down on this without passing the healthcare bill. However, there are several key arguments against doing that.”
“First, calling attention to this fraud at this time would raise doubts about the proposed reform,” Obama said. “Many will think that if we have such a huge problem with fraud under existing government health programs, why wouldn’t these problems continue under the new legislation? A campaign to fight fraud now would tend to feed these negative thoughts and imperil the chances of getting the new legislation passed.”
“Second, if we make our efforts against fraud conditional upon passage of the new bill that will give fiscally-minded members of congress an incentive to support my bill,” Obama continued. “If my Administration were to combat this fraud before passage of my bill, their incentive to vote for it would be diluted.”
“Finally, a large part of the waste comes from investing scarce resources in perpetuating the longevity of persons with severe health problems,” Obama added. “My new bill forcefully addresses this waste by establishing government oversight of treatment protocols. This will relieve physicians of the responsibility for making the kind of life-and-death decisions that are more properly made in a social context.”
Vice-President Defends Rude Behavior
Vice-President Joe Biden dismissed criticism that his behavior during his visit to Israel was “improperly rude.”
The visit may have been doomed from the moment Biden selected MSNBC’s Chris Matthews to accompany him. Matthews put Israeli hackles up by characterizing Israelis’ higher opinion of former President Bush compared to President Obama as “racism, pure and simple” during a TV interview of New York Times reporter Ethan Bronner.
Not to be outdone by his traveling companion, Biden denounced the Israeli Government’s plans to build 1600 new homes in east Jerusalem as “the kind of lebensraum mentality we had to put down during World War II. It evinces a sense of permanence for a Jewish presence that will only make it harder for us to reach a final solution to the problem that has been plaguing this region since the 1940s.”
Frustrated by what he termed Israeli “inflexibility,” Biden and his wife showed up 90 minutes late for an official state dinner in his honor. “A vice-president has so little formal authority that being rude is about all I can do to get my point across,” Biden explained. “Besides, if they had been willing to honor my culinary request maybe we would’ve shown up on time.”
Reportedly, Biden’s “culinary request” was that the dinner have a “Hawaiian luau” theme that included roast pork as the main entrée. “I mean, not letting the supposed guest-of-honor choose his own meal is the kind of arrogance that has earned Jews the bad reputation they’ve enjoyed throughout history,” Biden claimed.
Legislator Proposes Banning Salt in Restaurant Food
New York Assemblyman Felix Ortiz (D-Brooklyn) has introduced a bill that would prohibit restaurants from adding salt to any food served to customers. The legislation calls for fines of up to $1,000 for each individual addition of salt by restaurant staff.
“Ideally, we ought to be eliminating salt from our diets,” Ortiz asserted. “It’s a dangerous, unhealthy, and unnecessary additive. Customers shouldn’t have it forced down their throats by restaurant owners trying to boost profits by trying to make their meals more palatable.”
Ortiz rejected the idea that the option that he himself uses whenever he eats out should suffice for other restaurant patrons. “Whenever I eat out, I ask if a dish has salt added,” Ortiz bragged. “If it does, I simply order something else that doesn’t.” Asked why this wasn’t good enough for others, Ortiz contended that “your average patron doesn’t have the presence of mind or the good sense to check. My legislation will protect these people from being victimized by their own ignorance or indolence.”
Critics of the legislation have pointed out that foods Ortiz says he frequently orders—ham, cheese, and bread—require salt in their manufacture. Ortiz characterized this revelation as “a scare tactic aimed squarely at the health of the American people,” and vowed he would “not be deterred from pursuing the public good by such unsubstantiated and outrageous propaganda.”
Offshore Drilling Ban to Be Extended for Length of Obama Presidency
Obama Administration Department of the Interior Secretary Ken Salazar announced that offshore exploration for oil will be blocked “for as long as the President remains in office.” The action came despite an Obama campaign pledge to consider every option for meeting the nation’s energy needs.
Secretary Salazar explained that “opening up offshore sites would tend to increase supplies of energy. This would, in-turn, lead to lower prices and more consumption. These outcomes run counter to the fundamental policy aims of the Administration to reduce the unnecessary mobility that is enabled by cheaper gasoline.”
“Expensive fuel encourages people to ration their travel,” Salazar pointed out. “Cheap fuel allows them to waste precious resources on automobile trips that should be made on public transit. Right now, public transit is operating far below capacity. Day-after-day, billions of empty seat-miles are hauled around cities across the country. It would be more fuel-efficient if we filled these seats. Making it more costly to drive oneself is the most viable means for forcing more people to ride what would otherwise be mostly empty buses and trains.”
Election Tampering Allegations “Overblown” Says Gibbs
Representative Joe Sestak (D-Pa.) says that the Obama Administration offered him a “cushy job” if he would withdraw from challenging Senator Arlen Specter in the upcoming primary. Representative Darrell Issa (R-Calif.) said that such an offer violates a federal statute which makes it a crime for a government employee to use his authority for the purpose of interfering with, or affecting, the nomination or the election of any candidate.
Obama Press Secretary urged Representative Issa “not to get carried away. These kinds of deals are normal within the context of how this country is governed. The only abnormal thing is that Representative Sestak openly admitted receiving the offer. That is the big faux pas here. It will be up to the President and Speaker Pelosi (D-Calif.) to determine what disciplinary action will need to be taken against him.”
As to the illegality of the offer, Gibbs dared Representative Issa to make an issue of it. “Even if he thinks this is illegal, the President can’t be hauled into court over it unless he’s impeached and convicted first,” Gibbs reminded. “With Democrats in control in both the House and Senate, I think even the dimmest of Republicans has to realize that this isn’t going to happen. Shutting up is the smartest option for them right now.”
Reid Defends Job Shift
Criticism that data on unemployment statistics don’t properly account for people being shifted from full-time to part-time jobs was brushed off by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev). “What these critics fail to consider is the fact that part-time jobs offer more leisure time,” Reid countered. “This extra leisure is a benefit that the Democratic Party has bestowed upon an overworked population. We don’t get proper credit for that.”