By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
The American Medical Association (AMA)—the chief lobbying organization for America’s doctors—threw its support behind President Obama’s health care legislation.
James Rohack, president of the AMA, said that “while the pending legislation isn’t perfect, we have to acknowledge that the previous government intervention in health care to establish medicare and Medicaid led to an explosion of spending for doctors’ services. The prospect that something similar will happen with this bill has got to benefit the members of our Association.”
A key factor cited by Rohack is “simple logic. The insurance package that the government mandates under this bill is estimated to cost the typical family of four a minimum of $12,000 per year in premiums. A lot of that cash will be coming back to our members as patients try to gain some benefit for what they’ll be paying.”
“Further, if surveys showing that a third or more of currently practicing physicians will quit if the bill passes are true, the increased pool of money will be split among fewer recipients.” Rohack observed. “So, what’s not to like about a bill that simultaneously induces more people to consume services while also decreasing the number of doctors competing for a share of the bounty?”
Barbara Walters Takes Exception to Joke about Castro
While former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright got big laughs at the “Women in the World” summit with a joke about Fidel Castro being a “dinosaur,” TV journalist Barbara Walters took umbrage at the remark.
“President Castro is one of the giants of the 20th century,” Walters asserted. “He not only liberated Cuba from capitalist oppression, but he gave it the kind of universal health care that President Obama is struggling so mightily to bring to this country. He shouldn’t be made the butt of a cruel joke from this hideous crone.”
Walters insisted that her unusually ardent outburst “has nothing to do with the fact that Fidel made sweet love to me when I was nearly 50-years old in 1977. If every man were as sensitive and sensual the world would be a much better place.”
Arab World Faith in Obama Said to Be Dimming
Despite a surge in criticism of Israel by key members of the Obama Administration, Muslims throughout the Middle East say they are losing confidence in the “change” promised by President Obama in his Cairo speech.
“Merely insulting Jews, even if done in a very flamboyant and public way, falls far short of our expectations,” said Ayal Khutnutz, spokesman for the United Arab League. “For all his talk, Obama has yet to kill a single Jew. His promise of a new dawn in US-Muslim relations is an empty one.”
Khutnutz called for the United States government to “put an end to the Zionist occupation of Palestine. If they will not drive the occupier Jews into the sea themselves, then they should give us the same nuclear weapons they have given them and we will do it ourselves.”
In related news, the Council on American-Islamic Relations (CAIR) lodged a complaint against the World of Islam textbooks by Mason Crest Publishing saying that “these books take the Quran’s admonition to slay Jews wherever they may be found out of context. They make no mention of the fact that throughout history Jews have ritually murdered and eaten Muslim children.” CAIR demanded that “instead of being used to warp the minds of Pennsylvania’s school children, these books and their authors ought to be burned in a public place.”
Congressman Says Citizens Have Only Selves to Blame for Government Corruption
Brazenly frank, Representative Tom Perriello (D-Va) put the blame for government corruption squarely on the shoulders of the voters.
“Look, the temptations of office are immense,” Perriello said. “The amounts of money we control are enormous. The fact that we write the laws means that we can legalize whatever distribution of this money we want. So, who can blame us for succumbing to the temptations to over spend and reward ourselves and those who are supportive of our careers?”
“If voters were really opposed to this they’d put a stop to it,” Perriello argued. “They could vote for guys who’d cut spending. But they don’t. Voters like their share of the goodies we dispense. We’re all on the government teat together. No one wants to be weaned. That’s why government has grown bigger over the last 100 years.”
Perriello said he remains confident that government will continue to grow because “we offer escape from responsibility. That is worth more to the average American than an abstract concept like freedom will ever be.”
Study Finds “Greens” More Likely to Be Dishonest
A study carried out by University of Toronto psychologists found that test subjects who characterize themselves as “green” or environmentally concerned were more likely to steal than test subjects who are not environmentalists. Specifically, green consumers were more likely to cheat merchants and took more than their fair share when asked to withdraw money from envelopes entrusted to them.
“Green” test participant Holly Gaia defended her larcenous actions by pointing out that “I was transferring resources from people who are raping the planet to someone—me—who would put these resources to more environmentally-friendly uses. So, in a way I was helping Mother Earth.”
Fellow test subject Justin Treehumper gave a similar rationale, saying “We need every advantage we can get if we’re going to save the planet. Taking funds away from the polluting majority and putting them into the hands of the friends of the environment is an important tool for us to use.”
Obama’s Press Secretary Denies Transparency Hypocrisy
When it comes to denying Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) requests, the Obama Administration has outdone the “secretive” Bush Administration by a large margin. In its first year, the Obama Administration has rejected citizen requests for information about government activities 150% as often as the Bush crowd did.
Press Secretary Robert Gibbs dismissed charges of hypocrisy and defended the increase in denials as “warranted and proper.” “Bush was working against the interests of the American people,” Gibbs contended. “Blocking access to its nefarious schemes interfered with the people’s right to fight against these schemes.”
“On the other hand, we are working for the best interests of the American people,” Gibbs continued. “Blocking the access of enemies of our progressive agenda to information about our plans and actions is sound strategy. I mean, FDR wouldn’t have allowed the Nazis to peek in on his plans. We are merely following his example.”
Ceding US Offshore Oil to Foreign Firms OK Says Chu
US Secretary of Energy Steven Chu says he is not troubled by the prospect that potential sources of energy near US coastal waters may be tapped by foreign firms from China and Russia.
“The joke is on them,” Chu insisted. “They will remain hooked on oil with all its downsides. While they’re polluting their air burning gasoline and diesel we will be shifting to clean wind and solar power.”
Chu maintains that the prospect of oil shortages and higher prices for fuel will be “positives for our nation’s future. We will learn to do with less, weaning ourselves from the materialism that has poisoned our culture. We will live more in tune with nature. When it is cold outside we will huddle together inside. When it is hot outside we will shed our clothing and allow our bodies to be cooled by evaporating perspiration. We will be forced to refrain from frivolous travel. I see no negatives from our decision to forego any claim on offshore deposits.”
Chavez Critic to Face Prosecution
Venezuela’s government is filing charges against regime critic former Governor Oswaldo Alvarez Paz. The move comes after Alvarez said on a television program that “the country has become a haven for drug trafficking.” For these remarks Alvarez is being charged with “spreading false information and publicly inciting disrespect for duly elected authorities.”
The fact that Venezuela has no law, per se, against criticizing the government is not expected to deter Chavez from going after Alvarez. “The law cannot anticipate all contingencies,” Chavez explained. “Sometimes we discover that a wrong has been committed before we have made a law against it. To allow the wrongdoer to escape punishment because of such an oversight is a threat to order that we cannot abide.”
U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder is reported to be “following this case closely to see if it has any potential application to similar problems we are having here with extremists who are defaming the President with their unwanted commentary. This defamation is undermining the President’s program and ability to govern.”