By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
Representative Debbie Wasserman Schultz (D-Fla.) insists that the recently enacted Obamacare law “does not require anyone to purchase health insurance. Republicans who say the law forces people to buy insurance are lying for political gain.”
“The law gives people several options,” Schultz pointed out. “First, and of course, most recommended, is that they may buy insurance coverage. A second option is that they may pay a fine. And the third option is that they may go to prison. So, those who maintain that we have eliminated choice are just plain wrong.”
Romneycare Preview of Obamacare?
A possible preview of what is to come from Obamacare was observed in Massachusetts this past week. The state’s mandatory health insurance law (dubbed Romneycare, in honor of the former governor who championed it, by many) ran into a snag when insurers halted writing new policies. The refusal to write new policies followed the state government’s rejection of proposed rate increases.
Insurance Commissioner Joseph Murphy denounced the industry’s response saying that “they are putting profits ahead of the public interest. The state government has declared that everyone must be insured. It is the duty of every company, every individual to comply regardless of cost.”
Murphy brushed aside fears of bankrupting insurers. “Most of these insurers are in the ‘too-big-to-fail’ category,” he said. “The government can be counted on to step in and bail them out. As for others, maybe they shouldn’t be in a business they can’t handle.”
Brian Rosman, research director at Health Care for All, seconded Murphy’s perspective declaring that “the universal availability of insurance is the fundamental principle of health care reform in Massachusetts. The law does not permit anyone to place profit or personal preference ahead of this principle. The state has decreed that all must have health insurance. Financial infeasibility is not recognized as an excuse for not complying with this mandate. All must obey no matter what the cost.”
Veronica Turner, vice president of Local 1199 of the Service Employees International Union United Healthcare Workers East characterized the insurers’ action as “an illegal strike against the public interest. They are arrogating to themselves a privilege that state law reserves for unions.”
Greenspan Says Congress to Blame for Financial Meltdown
Former Federal Reserve (Fed) Chairman Alan Greenspan rebuffed contentions that the Federal Reserve was to blame for the nation’s current financial problems. In testimony before the Financial Crisis Inquiry Commission in Congress, Greenspan bluntly asserted that “moronic policies put in place by congress guaranteed there’d be financial disaster somewhere down the road.”
While admitting that the Fed may have erred in trying to offset the blunders of others, Greenspan honed-in on the actions of Senator Christopher Dodd (D-Ct.) and Representative Barney Frank (D-Mass) for “tipping the country into a toboggan ride down the slope of fiscal insolvency. Policies that extended housing loans to borrowers who plainly could not repay them created the ‘toxic assets’ that bankrupted so many banks. It was stupidity compounded by corruption. Sadly, there is no sign that we’ve learned anything in the process.”
It is estimated that the government’s subsidized loan guarantee firms Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac are responsible for over $5 trillion in debts that will not be repaid by borrowers.
Consequently, Chairman of the president’s Economic Recovery Advisory Board, Paul Volker, recommended the U.S. adopt European-style value-added taxes. “The recipients of these loans can’t repay them, they don’t have the money,” Volker observed. “So, we’ve got to get it out of people who do have money. People who can afford to buy stuff obviously have money. Making them pay these debts is our only option.”
IRS Announces Plan to Target and Eliminate “High Wealth Individuals”
The Internal Revenue Service (IRS) announced that it has launched a new global program to target and eliminate what it calls “high wealth individuals.”
IRS Commissioner Douglas Shulman said “the plan is a key objective in the Administration’s battle against the enemies of equality. For too long we’ve looked the other way while a money-grubbing minority has taken more that a fair share of the nation’s wealth. Now we say ‘no more.’”
Under the IRS plan, “a ‘game-changing,’ robust enforcement program will ferret out wealth wherever people may try to hide it and reclaim it for redistribution by the federal government,” Shulman bragged. “We will not be deterred by the fallacious notion that this wealth has somehow been ‘earned’ by its recipients. The allocation of the Earth’s bounty should be and must be a social decision founded on need rather than left to the anarchy of individualistic greed.”
Shulman said that “tax agencies around the world, including those in Japan, Germany, the UK, Canada and Australia, have agreed to cooperate with our effort.”
Duke Unveils New Sexual Misconduct Code
Duke, the university that pioneered the concept that status outweighs evidence in the 2006 case against the school’s lacrosse team, is at it again with a new campus policy declaring that “in cases where there are perceived power differentials, a student may be deemed guilty of sexual misconduct even when evidence of so-called voluntary consent is present.”
Women’s Center Director Ada Gregory hailed the new policy. “Men must not be allowed to use their superior intellect, achievement, or looks to seduce women into having sex with them,” Gregory said. “This is predatory behavior akin to forcible rape. It needs to be treated as the same offense.”
Gregory pooh-poohed the use of “mutual consent” as a potential defense against a charge of rape. “How is a coed assenting to sex with a member of the football team any different from a woman yielding to a man who threatens her with violence?” Gregory asked. “She knows that the football player can easily overpower her. She knows she is powerless to enforce an answer of ‘no.’ Acquiescence under this type of duress cannot be permitted to exonerate the accused.”
Homely, powerless males shouldn’t take comfort in the new rules either. Their very “unattractiveness may be deemed to create a presumption that any sexual activity they engage in must have been achieved via coercion or deception.” It appears that at Duke, the only safe sex under the new rules would be masturbation.
Gun Registration Law Pushed
California Assemblyman Mike Feuer (D-West Hollywood) is proposing a new law requiring all the state’s residents to register their shotguns and rifles. Those who don’t would face possible prison sentences.
“In this time of rising public opposition to government like we’ve seen with these so-called ‘Tea Parties,’ it is important that authorities know where all the weapons are,” Feuer said. “That way, in case of emergency they can all be seized before things get too far out of hand. As I see it, no one should have the means to resist the duly authorized arms of the government.”
While several states (New York, Maryland, California, New Jersey, and Massachusetts) have mandatory registration of hand guns, under the premise that such registration will help law enforcement prevent gun-related crimes, none, thus far, require registration of rifles or shotguns.
A hearing on Fueur’s bill is scheduled before the California State Assembly’s Committee on Public Safety for April 13 in Sacramento.
Reid Confident of Reelection
Despite unfavorable polls and a disconcertingly small turnout at a recent campaign rally (100 showed up vs. an estimated 10,000 at an anti-Reid rally the same week), Senator Harry Reid (D-Nev) expressed confidence that he would be reelected come November.
“Those opposing me can offer only vague concepts like liberty, freedom and the Constitution,” Reid boasted. “The average voter has no idea what they’re talking about. I, on the other hand, have a solid record of leadership and service. I have been instrumental in passing the President’s economic stimulus package that has helped put money into the hands of crucial businesses and helped shift the burden of debt from those who can’t pay to those who can.”
“I also stood strong in the successful fight to give everyone free healthcare,” Reid added. “No greater benefit has been granted to the American people by its government. Surely, this must weigh more heavily in voters’ minds than some ethereal vapors like liberty and freedom. I mean, liberty and freedom don’t pay the bills. And that, I think, will be what voters remember when they’re in the voting booth.”