By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
In an interview with The New York Times, former President Bill Clinton blasted the Tea Party protestors last week, calling them “a bigger threat to the government than al-Qaeda ever could be.”
“No matter how many millions of Americans al-Qaeda might kill, unless President Obama and Congress are among the victims these Islamists will never bring down the United States Government,” Clinton insisted. “The Tea Partiers, on the other hand, represent a very real threat. It is conceivable that they could overturn the Democratic majority in Congress this November and might even succeed in defeating the President’s bid for a second term. This is the threat I would advise the President to concentrate his energies on.”
Clinton praised Obama’s initiative aimed at gaining control over the Internet. “This new, inexpensive means of obtaining and sharing information is undermining the Administration’s ability to control the policy debate,” Clinton warned. “It is essential that it be managed to prevent the Administration’s enemies from exploiting it to rouse widespread opposition.”
The former president belittled charges that Obama’s government is using “gangster tactics” to thwart the will of the people. “The president and members of Congress were freely elected,” Clinton pointed out. “Voters granted them the power to make the laws. So, whatever is done is perfectly legal. No gangster has such authority.”
FBI Director Robert Mueller echoed Clinton’s remarks in testimony before a Senate Committee. “Not since the Oklahoma City bombing has the danger from domestic terrorists been greater,” Mueller said in support of a request for an added $8.3 billion in funding for his agency. “There is a vast reservoir of popular support for right wing opponents of the Administration. Millions on the right openly flaunt their animosity to the President and his supporters in Congress.”
Mueller cited the widespread demonstrations of April 15 as proof that “the greater threat comes from the right. Many ordinary citizens stand ready to provide moral and material backing to those on the right who would depose the President. There is no comparable popular base for Islamic terrorists.”
CAIR Complaint Nets Censorship
Following a complaint from the South Florida Council on American-Islamic Relations, the Miami-Dade Transit Authority removed ads sponsored by Stop the Islamization of America, a New York-based religious freedom group, from 10 of its buses. The ad text—“Fatwa on your head? Is your family or community threatening you? Leaving Islam? Got questions? Get answers!”—was deemed defamatory toward the Muslim religion.
A spokesman for the Transit Authority asking that his name not be published for what he called “personal safety reasons,” apologized profusely for “approving the ad without prior consultation with Muslim authorities. I allowed my personal prejudice in favor of free speech to cloud my judgment.”
The Transit Authority did reject demands that the employee who approved the ad be publicly flogged, “as it would reveal his identity and expose him to risk of retaliation. But we are open to sanctions that may be carried out in a more discreet manner.”
“Superpower” Debate Heats Up
President Barack Obama’s remark that “whether we like it or not, we remain a dominant military superpower”—sparked a retort from former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin that “most Americans do like it.” Determined not let what he characterized as “an out-of-office rube from the Great White North” have the last word, Obama elaborated on his vision of what most Americans like.
“I shouldn’t have to point this out, but when voters had the chance to put Ms. Palin into the vice-presidency they declined to do so,” Obama observed. “Instead, they voted for me. As I see it, that says they agree with me more than they do with her.”
“You know, being a so-called superpower isn’t so great,” Obama added. “I mean, you can’t just vote ‘present’ and coast along with the group. Others make demands on you insisting that you stand for freedom and against tyranny. But who is to say that promoting freedom is the right thing to do? Strange as it may seem to people like Ms. Palin, not everyone shares her preferences. Other cultures may have other values that they prize more highly. Respecting these other values, even those that at first blush may seem tyrannical to Ms. Palin, is a key foundation for the way I aim to govern this country.”
Florida Governor Vetoes Teacher “Pay-for-Performance” Bill
Florida Governor Charlie Crist (R) vetoed legislation that would’ve linked teacher retention and salaries to student performance. The bill passed by the Republican majority in the state’s legislature was aimed at weeding out ineffective teachers and rewarding those who excel at instruction.
According to Governor Crist, “this bill would disrupt the existing public school system by subjecting its employees to standards that have never before been expected. No one in the public sector is held to such a high criterion for keeping his or her job or advancing in the system. Imposing a performance requirement in the public schools is sure to raise the question of why we don’t take a similar approach in other departments under my administration. This would open the path to an uncertainty that voters wouldn’t tolerate.”
Potential Palin Presidential Bid Gets Boost from Comedian
The prospect for Sarah Palin becoming President Palin was dramatically increased last week when comedian George Lopez promised to lead all the illegal immigrants out of the country if voters put her in the Oval Office.
The promise came during an interview on the Larry King Show, with Lopez saying that “if la cabrona is elected President all we Latinos will go back to Mexico.” La cabrona is a Mexican slur that literally translated means “goat.” It is roughly equivalent to calling a woman a “bitch” in America.
Lopez’s remark has Obama advisor Rahm Emmanuel incensed. “This Lopez a**hole’s comment only helps the worst of the right wing extremists who oppose President Obama,” Emmanuel complained to several confidantes during their weekly skinny-dip in the White House pool. “The good thing is the morons who make up the majority of the voting population have short memories. It’s likely Lopez’s promise will be forgotten long before it can affect the outcome of the 2012 election.”
Gas Tax Bill Pushed
Legislation to impose an additional tax of 15 cents per gallon on gasoline is being championed by a tri-partisan trio of senators—Lindsey Graham (R-SC), Joe Lieberman (I-Conn) and John Kerry (D-Mass). Revenue from the tax would be earmarked to fund programs aimed at lowering industrial emissions and boosting wind and solar power installations by electric utilities.
Senator Lieberman boasted that “the timing is right for this action. The impact on working people will be minimized by virtue of the fact that so many of them are currently unemployed. When you don’t have to drive to work you don’t use as much gasoline. So, even with the tax hike the amount the nation is paying for gasoline in a given week will still be lower than when the economy was closer to full employment.”
Senator Kerry heralded the tax hike as “an extra incentive for people to use mass transit. We’ve been urging drivers to park there cars and take a bus or train to work. Putting a higher tax on gasoline will give this argument more teeth. If we make driving less affordable riding transit will be more attractive.”
Senator Graham emphasized his pleasure for “the opportunity to work across the aisle with my good friends in the Democratic Party. Getting behind a tax increase is the easiest way to forge a cooperative effort. It’s a simple idea that I’m sure will find a well of support from my Democratic colleagues.”
The bill is also supported by several oil companies, including Shell, British Petroleum and ConocoPhillips.
Poll Results Dismissed
Obama Press Secretary Robert Gibbs dismissed recent polls showing substantial majorities feel they are over taxed. Particularly galling was a Rasmussen survey indicating that 66 percent of respondents said they were over taxed while only 25% disagreed. The other 9 percent were unsure.
“Look, these figures are unbelievable,” Gibbs argued. “Statistics show that 47 percent of Americans pay no income tax at all. Maybe the 53 percent of those who do could argue that they are comparatively over taxed, but not 66 percent.”
“Besides, these polls don’t account for the offsetting benefits that are provided in exchange for the taxes we pay,” Gibbs continued. “The government is employing people, disbursing welfare checks, putting a roof over peoples’ heads—these benefits are quickly forgotten by those who criticize our tax rates.”
“It’s a simple matter of equity,” Gibbs concluded. “Taxes take money from those who can afford to pay and spends it on what society needs. This is fairer than letting those who have money squander it on themselves.”