By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News 

There has been a lot of speculation that the NBA’s Cleveland Cavaliers’ MVP LeBron James will opt for free-agency and the opportunity to sign a $100 million contract with another team. President Barack Obama has expressed his hope that James’ new team will be the Chicago Bulls.

Presidential advisor David Axelrod emphasized that “the President doesn’t wish to appear to be tampering with the league’s business, but he will be very disappointed if LeBron ends up on some other team. To help broker an appropriate resolution of this matter the President wanted me to remind all parties that the IRS will be scrutinizing any transaction that takes place in order to ensure that the league’s integrity is not compromised.”

AG Defends His Criticism of Arizona Immigration Enforcement Law

US Attorney General Eric Holder fended off an inquiry from Representative Ted Poe (R-TX) challenging his objectivity in criticizing a law he admits he has not read.

“A person needn’t have to read Mein Kampf to be a critic of Hitler,” Holder pointed out. “Familiarity with the circumstances and personalities involved are sufficient for rendering a judgment.”

“First, consider that the law comes out of Arizona, one of the most backward and racist states in the nation,” Holder contended. “Second, look at who sponsored the bill—right-wing Republicans. Do we really need to know anything more? Finally, the law is opposed by every decent American.”

Holder said he plans to challenge the Arizona law’s Constitutionality before the US Supreme Court and that he “probably will get around to reading the law at some point if my schedule permits me the time.”

Legislation to Monitor Body Fat Proposed

Concerned that Americans are becoming too fat for their own good, Representative Ron Kind (D-Wis) is sponsoring “The Healthy Choices Act.” The bill would require all health care providers to track the body fat profiles of all persons between the ages of 2 and 18 years old and forward this data to a newly created National Agency for Nutritional Nurturing of Youth.

“Just because parents have the sexual tools and energy to procreate doesn’t mean we should cede responsibility for all post-womb care to them,” Kind argued. “Especially when there is ample evidence that too many of them don’t know how to raise these children. After all, parents aren’t the sole owners here. The ‘village’ also needs to have a say in how the nation’s next generation is reared.”

The bill would permit, but not mandate, the removal of children determined to be excessively overweight compared to the Agency’s standards. “We’re not saying that parents will lose custody of fat children,” Kind said. “But we’re hoping that the threat that they might will inspire them to do a better job when it comes to nutrition. I mean, the prospect that your kid may end up in foster care if you don’t feed him right ought to be a sufficient wake-up call. If it isn’t, well, maybe the kid will be better off growing up elsewhere.”

Pelosi Says Amnesty for Illegal Immigrants a “Human Rights” Issue

House of Representatives Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) insists that immigration reform, including amnesty for the estimated 12-20 million who reside in the US illegally is “the most critical human rights issue of our time.”

“Right now, too many of these immigrants are forced to accept back-breaking labor at low wages because they are afraid to apply for welfare,” Pelosi alleged. “They have no say in our government because they are afraid to vote. In short, they are blocked from full participation in our society because of an accident of birth.”

The Speaker praised “the public demonstrations on behalf of amnesty by so many of our fellow travelers on the road to a socially just society,” but contended that “angry expressions of outrage and demands for action will be insufficient if Congress doesn’t ‘close the deal’ by enacting a path to legalization for these people.”

Pelosi asked that “Catholic Bishops and other authorities in the Church to urge that all members of the faith who have been lucky enough to avoid being aborted come to the aid of our co-religionists from south of the border by writing and calling their congresspersons to press them to support immigration reform.”

In related news, Pelosi tried to bolster morale among Democrats facing tough reelection races by suggesting that they appeal to constituents’ self-interest. “It’s a simple equation,” Pelosi averred. “Do the voters in your district prefer to be the donees of wealth transferred from opponents of the Democratic program? Or would they prefer to be donors tapped for money to be used to implement this program? Given the option of being the cannibal or being the meal I think we can feel confident that they will know how to vote.”

Crist Refuses to Return GOP Donations

Now that he has left the Republican Party in order to campaign against its nominee for a US Senate seat from Florida, Governor Charlie Crist (I) has rebuffed requests that he refund money donated by Republicans to his now abandoned GOP primary race.

“Look, my view has always been caveat emptor,” Crist offered. “Everybody who follows politics knows I’ve never been a knee-jerk Republican. Those who donated in the ignorant belief that I would automatically follow the Party line have only themselves to blame for their loss.”

“In a way, you could say that I’ve liberated this money from the control of right-wing fanatics,” Crist added. “This has to be a big plus for me among voters who want a senator that has the flexibility to work with Democrats to help promote the President’s policies and programs.”

UN Official Says Israel’s Treatment of Palestinians Worse than Nazis

Ali Abdussalam Treki, President of the United Nations General Assembly, claimed in an interview aired on Syrian television, that “Israel’s oppression of the Palestinian people is worse than anything the Nazis ever did to Jews.”

“Take, for example, Israel’s refusal to allow Palestinians to freely cross the border between Israel and Gaza,” Treki said. “This creates a barrier between members of the same family. At least the Nazis kept Jewish families together when they sent them to the resettlement camps.”

“And here’s another thing,” Treki went on. “The Nazis provided food and shelter for the Jews they took into their care. In contrast, the Israelis have left the Palestinians to fend for themselves—essentially condemning them to live in slums of their own making. It is no wonder that every right thinking person wishes for the extermination of the Jewish pestilence.”

Cut in NYC Security Budget Defended

Though New York City has been a repeated target for Islamic jihadis—the recent Times Square attempted bombing being merely the latest known attack—the Obama Administration’s budget for next year shows a planned cut in security funding for the City of 27 percent.

Senator Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY) characterized the proposed cut as “a down payment on a new posture of peaceful relations between the US and Muslim nations around the world. If we show more trust by reducing our focus on anti-terrorism the chances for gaining trust in return will be increased.”

New York’s other Senator, Chuck Schumer (D) echoed Gillibrand’s remarks and contended that “critics of the President’s budget on this matter are placing short-term tactical considerations ahead of long-term strategic goals. The President’s aim is to change enemies into allies. The cut in security spending is the ‘olive branch of peace’ that we hope will achieve a meaningful change in the minds of our Muslim friends.”

For what it is worth, al-Qaeda spokesman, Abdallah Dhu-al-Bijadayn responded to Senator Schumer’s comments by vowing “we will firmly grasp this olive branch and bludgeon this moron with it.” Bijadayn also predicted that “an attack on New York using nuclear, chemical or biological weapons is just a matter of time.”

Election Officials to Bar Voluntary Showing of ID by Voters

The Wisconsin State Elections Board voted to block voters from voluntarily showing photo IDs at polling places. “Allowing those who have valid IDs to show them would intimidate those without IDs,” explained Board member Myles Blatherton. “They might be discouraged from attempting to vote. This would lower turnout and threaten the democratic process.”

Democrats Vote Down 5 Percent Rule

In a bid to stem taxpayer losses for bad loans guaranteed by federal housing agencies Fanny Mae and Freddy Mac, Senator Bob Corker (R-Tenn) proposed that borrowers be required to make a 5% down payment in order to qualify. His proposal was rejected 57-42 on a party-line vote because, as Senator Chris Dodd (D-Conn) explained, “passage of such a requirement would restrict home ownership to only those who can afford it.”

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By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News 

A group of 200 mostly Latino students from Live Oak High School skipped class in Morgan Hill, California over an incident they alleged showed a “lack of respect for us and our heritage.” The protestors marched through neighborhoods shouting slogans and carrying signs.

The “incident” that provoked the outburst occurred when five other students had the effrontery to wear American flag tee shirts to school on May 5^th. Even though school administrators sent these students home to change their shirts “to show the proper respect for our Latino student body members,” the protestors insisted “this wasn’t enough of a punishment for their mocking our sacred day.”

“It is bad enough that Cinco de Mayo isn’t a recognized holiday,” complained one of the protestors. “But to be taunted by the Anglo oppressors of the Mexican people is too much to bear. They should be expelled.”

“Immature students may think their ‘American-flag-waving’ stunt is patriotic,” said Live Oak High School Assistant Principal Walter Wussman. “But patriotism doesn’t give a person the right to inflict emotional pain on others. As for the claim that the First Amendment protects the right to express opinions that are offensive to others, well that doesn’t apply on school grounds. The Administration has the authority to impose whatever restrictions it deems warranted in order to promote what we consider an appropriate learning environment.”

In related news, New York’s Governor David Paterson (D) announced the creation of a program to assist criminal immigrants to avoid deportation. “Immigrant felons make up an important segment of our state’s criminal class,” Paterson observed. “If we deport them the need for police, prosecutors, prison guards and the like will be diminished. These public employees have families to feed. We can’t let them suffer because of some knee-jerk notion that we should rid ourselves of so-called undesirable foreigners.”

Times Square Bomber Denounces Efforts to Psychoanalyze His Motives

Faisal Shahzad, the prime suspect in the unsuccessful attempt to set off a bomb in Times Square, New York, says he objects to speculation that possible stress over his financial difficulties is what drove him to action.

“The foreclosure on a house is as nothing compared to the foreclosure on my soul should I neglect to obey the Quran’s command to fight for Islam,” Shahzad explained. “Until the world is ruled by Islam, it is every Muslim’s duty to wage war on the unbelievers.”

The Times Square location for the intended bombing was selected, Shahzad said, “because where else can one find such a heavy concentration of decadence. There you are surrounded by pornographic entertainment, bare-faced women, Jews—it is a target-rich environment. Striking a blow against these agents of Satan would greatly please Allah.”

In related news, MSNBC host Contessa Brewer expressed her disappointment that the bombing suspect turned out to be a Muslim. “Muslims crashing planes into buildings. Muslims bombing embassies. Muslims shooting soldiers. The repetition is so boring. Worse, it tends to vindicate the arguments of people on the right who are trying to tear down President Obama. Why couldn’t it have been an ex-GI like McVeigh who set the bomb?”

NHS Rules Cancer Drug “Not Cost-Effective”

The United Kingdom’s National Health Service (NHS) has ruled that a so-called “miracle drug” called Avastin will not be provided to the nation’s cancer patients because it is “not cost-effective.” Avastin is widely used in other countries and in the UK for patients who can afford to pay or who have supplemental private insurance. It is said to prolong the lives of persons suffering from advanced stages of bowel cancer by up to two years.

Spokesman for the NHS, Mortimer Sepelible, defended the decision as “simple economics. Look, the government is hemorrhaging red ink. We’ve got to make cuts somewhere. So, it’s hard to justify laying out scarce public resources just to extend a few people’s lives by a year or two.”

Sepelible suggested that “people should try to be more philosophic about this. I mean, everybody dies sooner or later. Most of those with this type of cancer are near the end of their lives anyway. They’re usually pretty broken down by the time they need this drug. They don’t have that much left to offer for the benefit of society at that point. The best they can do for their country is to stop whining and go peacefully rather than demand expenditures the government can’t afford right now.”

“The fact that those who can afford to pay their own way for Avastin are treated differently is a sore spot,” Sepelible conceded. “They are wasting resources that could be put to better use by the government. If we are to have true social justice we must put an end to private expenditures for medical care.”

Administration Insists that BP’s Exemption from Environmental Requirement Warranted

In the aftermath of one of the worst off-shore oil spills, the revelation that British Petroleum (BP) was granted a waiver of the requirement that an environmental impact study be performed prior to drilling by the Obama Administration has raised questions.

Jon Carson, Chief of Staff at the White House Council on Environmental Quality, argued that “given BP’s prior support for the most environmentally-conscious President this nation has ever had, the waiver seemed warranted. We want to establish incentives for firms that cooperate with Administration policy. Excusing BP from having to undertake a costly and time-consuming study looked like a ‘no brainer’ to us.”

Whether an environmental impact study would’ve uncovered information that could’ve averted the spill is unknown. BP’s “prior support” appears to have consisted of donations to Obama’s campaign for president.

Democrats Assail 401ks

Top members of the Obama Administration have launched a campaign to federalize 401k accounts. The 401k accounts are tax-deferred retirement plans that individuals may set up in cooperation with their employers. Under the plans, employees may elect to have up to 15% of their pay placed in qualified investments. No taxes are due on this money and any gains earned by the investments until it is withdrawn during retirement.

Labor Secretary Hilda Solis and Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner jointly voiced their concern that “as currently structured, the 401k program places an enormous sum of money outside the control of the government. Individuals have too wide of a latitude to determine how the funds are invested. Government has too little say in the matter. Likewise, other than requiring withdrawals to begin when the account holder reaches the age of 70, government has too little control over the ultimate disbursement of the funds.”

Solis and Geithner urged that “we consider restructuring the program to provide a better balance between individual prerogatives and social need.” Vice-President Joe Biden seconded this recommendation saying that “anyone who can afford to put 15% of his salary away is probably overpaid. To allow that guy to freely dispose of this excess income isn’t fair to those who can’t afford to put aside money for retirement.”

A framework for restructuring the 401k program that is being considered would make the 15% contributions mandatory while increasing the regulations applied to distributions. “With a mandatory contribution we would be able to build up a substantial fund to pay retirement benefits,” Solis argued. “By adding a consideration of need to determining the distributions we could assure that more equality is attained.”

Geithner focused his separate comments on the issue of how the funds would be invested. “Currently, people are forced to make difficult choices between stocks, bonds and other forms of investment,” Geithner pointed out. “Most people are ill-qualified to make these choices. Those who choose unwisely will fare worse than others. If we put all of the contributions into one fund managed by the government we can guarantee uniformity of outcome and eliminate the risks inherent in the current program.”

Obama Panel to Propose “Pro-Growth” Tax Hikes

President Obama’s National Commission on Fiscal Responsibility and Reform is working on a plan for what it is calling “pro-growth” tax increases. The Commission is comprised of 18 members. Most are aged political hacks or washed-up bureaucrats.

“Critics of government insist that taxes hurt growth,” said Alice Rivlin, a former White House budget director for President Jimmy Carter. “But we’re not convinced this is necessarily true. For example, every family has routine bills it must pay—groceries, rent, transportation. These costs don’t go down just because increased taxes have lowered a person’s take-home pay. It could be that a carefully constructed tax hike would force wage earners to work longer hours or take a second job in order to be able to pay unavoidable expenses. Inducing the workforce to labor longer would make the economy grow.”

Erskine Bowles, former White House chief of staff to President Clinton, suggested that “imposing a ‘value-added tax’ could have a similar impact from the other side. By making the things people have to buy more costly, this type of tax will encourage them to work harder just to make ends meet. This will also grow the economy.”

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By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News 

The “Restoring American Financial Stability Act” sponsored by Senator Chris Dodd (D-Conn) would, among other things, require banks to monitor every transaction processed through their systems and forward this information to a newly created federal Consumer Financial Protection Agency (CFPA).

Senator Dodd defended the surveillance, calling it “a crucial weapon for combating irresponsible consumer spending. Too many people can’t seem to manage their appetite for spending. They’ll overdraw their bank accounts and pile up credit card debt to buy things they don’t really need and can’t afford. If we’re to stop this behavior government needs to monitor transactions so it can intervene to prevent this squandering of the nation’s wealth.”

To guard against excessive consumer spending the CFPA would be empowered to order banks to freeze the accounts and credit cards of individuals and businesses the agency determines are not using their funds wisely.

Court Rules Terrorists’ Wives Entitled to Government Benefits

The European Court of Justice ordered the government of the United Kingdom to rescind rules that prevent the wives of terrorists from receiving welfare payments.

In its ruling the Court wrote: “Once a government has undertaken a program to guarantee a minimum of income to all of its people, it cannot presume to judge the lifestyles that are chosen and use that judgment to deny benefits to those who it alleges have not chosen approved behaviors. If a man cannot provide for his family because he is a drunkard, criminal or terrorist, it is the duty of government to assume this responsibility.”

According to the Court, “the wife of a terrorist is an especially worthy recipient. Her husband may be forced into hiding while plotting his activities. Under such circumstances, holding a job may be difficult or impossible. Further, he may face an elevated risk of being killed either inadvertently in the process of making a bomb, intentionally as a suicide bomber, or by the hostile actions of others during shoot-outs with police. It should be obvious that the needs of the spouses of individuals engaged in such activities are beyond contention.”

The Court explicitly rejected the argument that funds paid to terrorists’ dependents could end up aiding the propagation of terror. “The amounts contemplated are modest. Even if they did end up being forwarded to the husbands they would be tiny compared to the funds available from traditional sources like al-Qaeda or Hizbullah. This pittance is the price that must be paid if we are to have a socially just society.”

Mexico Denounces Arizona Immigration Law

The Mexican government verbally lambasted Arizona Governor Jan Brewer and the State Legislature for the enactment of a law that authorizes state and local police to check the immigration status of persons contacted during law enforcement actions. Mexican President Felipe Calderon said the new law “opens the door to intolerance, hate and discrimination. We won’t stand for it.”

Calderon’s harsh assessment of the Arizona law seems a bit hypocritical considering that Mexican law declares illegal immigrants to be felons and liable for two years in prison followed by deportation. Second offenders are liable for a ten-year prison sentence.

President Calderon insists that a comparison of his country’s immigration laws with those enacted in the United States is inapt. “First, our laws are made by and for Latinos,” Calderon pointed out. “The Arizona law is made by Anglos and imposed on Latinos.”

“Second, we are protecting our country from encroachment by outsiders,” Calderon added. “Arizona is encroaching on land that was stolen from Mexico. Trying to exclude Mexicans from territory that should, by right, belong to Mexico perpetuates the original offense.”

Law to Require Automobile “Black Boxes” Mulled

In a bid to save Americans from unsafe vehicles, Congress is proposing legislation to require all new cars sold in this country to come equipped with the same kind of “black box” technology now used on airliners. The spur to action was the recent problem with sticky accelerators in some Toyota models this past year.

Chairman of the House Commerce Committee, Representative Henry Waxman (D-Calif), called the bill “essential if we are to avoid the sort of problems we’ve seen in the automobile marketplace and on our streets. Right now, we are totally dependent on drivers responding to recall notices. This leaves too much up to individuals who may not appropriately respond. Government needs a means of stepping in to assure optimal social control. It’s a matter of public safety.”

A feature of the proposed technology that Secretary of Transportation Ray LaHood called “absolutely critical” in testimony supporting the bill would be the capacity to remotely disable affected vehicles. “Contrary to our advice, many owners of the possibly defective Toyotas continued to drive these vehicles,” LaHood complained. “If the new technology were part of every vehicle we could have remotely shut them down and assured against further risk.”

LaHood discounted the potential danger of disabling vehicles that may be operating in traffic. “The technology will tell us where every vehicle is at any given moment and whether it is or isn’t in motion,” LaHood explained. “Shut-down signals wouldn’t be sent unless the vehicle isn’t moving.”

The potential inconvenience to motorists stranded because the government has disabled their vehicles is deemed “a small price to be paid to prevent potential crashes due to faulty equipment,” LaHood said. “Besides, most of the trips taken in automobiles aren’t strictly necessary anyway. For trips that are, people can take public transportation. There is no essential destination that isn’t served by a bus or train.”

President Says Americans May Be Making Too Much Money

President Barack Obama sought to deflect concerns over lingering high unemployment by suggesting that “people’s obsession with prosperity has gone too far in this country. I mean, there’s a point where a person has to realize that he’s got too much money.”

“Getting Americans to overcome this obsession is a difficult undertaking,” the President observed. “They’re going to need our help. Maybe it’ll take something like a value-added tax to sop up some of the excess funds that people are encumbered with. Plus, by transferring a greater share of the nation’s wealth from selfish individuals to the government we can simultaneously combat mammonism while providing more generous financing of socially needed investments like high-speed rail.”

Iranian Government Targets Tanned Women

The Iranian government announced a crackdown on sun-tanned women. Tehran police chief Hossien Sajedinia warned that “all women who appear to be tanned will be arrested. Tanning is one of the ways women use to seduce men into sexual acts. It will not be tolerated.”

The move to stamp out tan females was said to be inspored by an Imam’s recent warning that “immodest women increase the frequency of earthquakes.”

In related news, the United Nations (UN) announced that Iran has been elected to the UN’s Commission on the Status of Women. Haseeh Noheval, spokeswoman for the U.N.’s Department of Economic and Social Affairs, brushed off criticism alleging that the Iranian government is a major abuser of women’s rights in that country. “Iran is a place where the government takes a serious interest in women,” she said. “That’s more than can be said for a lot of other countries.”

Food Police Strike at Home and Abroad

Overseas, the US Army has banned Burger King, Pizza Hut and Subway food vendors from serving troops stationed in Afghanistan. General Stanley McChrystal characterized the new policy as “aimed at preserving the lives and health of our men in uniform. The cholesterol and salt in the foods served by these vendors are as deadly as the IEDs our soldiers have to face on a daily basis. What good will it do a soldier to dodge the bullets and bombs in Afghanistan only to be felled 40 or 50 years later by heart failure?”

The General dismissed some soldiers’ contentions that “these friendly reminders of home are a real morale booster after a hard day of fighting.” “We can’t put the immature cravings of people barely out of their teens ahead of the advice of nutritional experts,” McChrystal asserted. “Teaching good dietary discipline is every bit as important as anything else we could teach our troops.”

At home, the Santa Clara County Board of Supervisors passed an ordinance prohibiting the inclusion of toys in fast food restaurants’ “Kids’ Meals.”

Board member, Liz Kniss, called the move “a necessary offset to poor parental judgment. Too many parents are failing to demonstrate adequate parenting skills when they let their children consume unhealthy products. This makes it necessary for government to intervene to correct their errors.”

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