Democrat Says Republicans ‘Unfit to Rule America’

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News 

One-term Representative Alan Grayson (D-Fla) argued against voters putting Republicans in the majority position in the upcoming November election because “Republicans don’t know how to govern.”

“The right-wing in American politics is deluded by idealistic notions that individuals ought to be free to chart their own lives,” Grayson asserted. “The fact is most people haven’t the foggiest idea on how to run their own lives. So, if the government is just going to leave these people alone what good is it?”

“The great benefit of government is that it can give most people more than they deserve,” Grayson contended. “It is the perception of this truth that leads voters to elect Democrats. They know that we won’t leave them on their own. They know that we can reach into pockets that they can’t. They know we’ll be seeing to their needs even if it means getting tough with those who refuse to help their fellow man.”

Feds Won’t Process Illegals Apprehended by Arizona Police

John Morton, assistant secretary of homeland security for U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement announced that “we won’t be accepting the transfer of any illegal immigrants from Arizona law enforcement.”

“What better way to make our point and nullify state efforts to take matters into their own hands than to guarantee that no one they arrest for being in this country illegally will be detained or deported by this office?” Morton asked. “They may as well just let them go because that’s what we’ll do if they’re handed over to us.”

Morton said the policy was laid down by Homeland Security Secretary Janet Nipplitaliano and characterized it as “simply defending our turf. Immigration is a federal responsibility. It is up to us to handle it, or not handle it for that matter, as we see fit.”

“The Secretary has been absolutely consistent on this point,” Morton added. “When she was Governor of Arizona she refrained from taking action that would infringe on federal turf. So, stopping the current governor of Arizona and her minions from infringing on federal prerogatives is a ‘no-brainer’ for her.”

“My recommendation is that all state officials confine themselves to the role of urging the federal government to take action,” Morton said. “It’s a no-lose option. You can sound tough, but you don’t actually have to take responsibility for results. It worked for Governor Nipplitaliano. It’s political ‘gold.’”

Dems Defend Lying Colleague

The revelation that Democratic senate hopeful, Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal, has grossly misrepresented his military record—claiming to have been a Vietnam War combat veteran when, in fact, he wasn’t—did not deter fellow Party members from rallying to his defense.

Connecticut’s Democratic Representatives Jim Himes, John Larson, Chris Murphy, Rosa DeLauro and Joe Courtney stood steadfast behind Blumenthal as “the best man for the job.”

“Look, the events he misrepresented happened a long time ago,” Murphy said. “Why is that relevant now?”

“Vietnam was a war we never should’ve been in,” said Courtney. “I’m kind of relieved to find out that he wasn’t really a part of it.”

“He lied about things nobody cares about anymore,” said DeLauro. “Besides, if push comes to shove I’d rather have a lying Democrat in the Senate than any so-called honest Republican. The key issue is what policies we want. Connecticut has always favored Democrats when it comes to policy. There’s no need to change now.”

Chicago Mayor Unfazed by Supreme Court Ruling on Guns

Chicago Mayor Richard Daley says it doesn’t matter what the US Supreme Court decides on the City’s current gun control ordinance, “we will do what we think is right no matter what.”

“Whatever direction they take, we can outflank them,” Daley boasted. “We’ll just pass a new, slightly different ordinance. That ordinance will be in effect while any new challenge is dragging through the courts. If this new ordinance is ultimately overruled we’ll just pass another and another.”

“Anyone who lets some judge or gang of judges tell him how to govern is a fool or a coward,” Daley went on. “As Alexander Hamilton said in The Federalist, the real force behind government are armed men. In Chicago that’s the police and they answer to me.”

Mexican President Wants US to Open Border

In his speech before a joint session of the Congress, Mexican President Felipe Calderón urged US lawmakers to “ease the migration of people desperately seeking relief from the Hell-hole my country has become.”

According to Calderón, “in addition to being a beacon of opportunity, entry into the United States is a vital escape route for people fleeing the murderous gangs that rule many areas of Mexico. Blocking this route and sending those who have used it back condemns these escapees to almost certain harm. Common decency requires that they be given sanctuary and sustenance in your country.”

In support of his plea, Calderón admitted that “an estimated 23,000 persons have been murdered by these gangs since I became president. If the border had been open, many of these lives could’ve been saved.”

While conceding that he is unable to maintain law and order along the US-Mexican border, Calderón laid the bulk of the blame on the United States for being “an attractive nuisance. Even at your minimum wage an immigrant from my country can earn many times what he can if he stays home. If he is unable or unwilling to work you offer generous welfare assistance. You educate his children. You tend to his health. Can you blame these people for choosing as they do?”

Democratic members of Congress gave Calderón a standing ovation at the conclusion of his speech. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) praised his remarks saying “the case for immigration reform is irrefutable. It will save lives. It will ensure that the jobs Americans won’t do will get done. It’s time we pass it.”

In related news, the president of the Mexican senate, Carlos Navarrete Ruiz, urged Hispanic voters in the US to “deliver a triumphant victory to the Democratic party in the upcoming election. This is the surest path toward an immigration reform that will both open the border in the future and grant amnesty and voting rights to those who were forced to enter illegally under the oppressive restrictions currently in place.”

Response to North Korean Sinking of South Korean Vessel Debated

Now that evidence seems to conclusively point to a North Korean torpedo attack as the cause of the sinking of a South Korean warship in international waters, the US State Department is said to be debating the wording of a letter of protest to be drafted in response.

Advice on the prospective content of such a letter was offered by Victor Cha, a former Bush administration official who is now a professor at Georgetown University. “It’s like the three bears. It has to be strong enough to deter but not too strong to start a war,” said Cha. “We don’t want to go off half-cocked like FDR did with his ‘day of infamy’ speech after Pearl Harbor. A well-worded letter then could’ve avoided much of the unpleasantness between this country and Japan over the succeeding four years.”

The South Korean Government’s suggestion that it might refuse to broadcast the World Cup soccer matches into North Korea in retaliation sparked a harsh rebuke from the North Korean Government. North Korean Minister of Defense, Hee Ill-Hung, vowed that “failure to broadcast the World Cup will be regarded as a willful act of aggression that will call forth the most dire of consequences for those responsible.”

Lobbyist Defends Earmarks

The Ferguson Group, one of the largest earmark lobbying firms, is raising funds from other lobbyists for a media campaign to promote the benefits of earmarks.

“Let’s be honest,” said Bill Ferguson, CEO of the Ferguson Group. “Most of the money spent by government is going to be wasted. Does it really make much difference to the average schmo how this is accomplished?”

“After all, the alternative to an earmark is some idiotic formula set up by Congress and administered by the drones of the federal bureaucracy,” Ferguson pointed out. “Does anyone really believe this will produce an optimal outcome?”

“Earmarks, on the other hand, channel money to specific beneficiaries,” Ferguson continued. “These beneficiaries then return a portion of the allocation back to the congressman in the form of campaign donations or other favors that will help him retain his position in government. It’s a win-win proposition for both parties in the transaction.”

“If you’re smart you’ll figure out how to get on the ‘gravy train’ rather than try to derail it,” Ferguson advised.

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